Three Bean Salad - Lizards

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

A man called Gareth suggests that we discuss the topic of lizards. And so we cover crabs, octopuses, wolves, and of course, the royal family.Get in touch:[e-mail]@beansaladpod

Hello, and welcome to Three Beans Salad, the podcast with Henry Packermike Wozniak and Benjamin Partridge. Hello, Henry. Hello, Ben. Hello. Hi. I like that we've established... I mean, this is only the second episode, but we've established that you're the person

Mike who says hello. Yeah. And then I very much... I'm going to take the rest of the podcast off, I'm now exhausted. I think... But Mike has a quality about him, which is you look at him and you think anchor, don't you think? He's got an anchoring in him.

It's the outer shell of the charlatan, I think is what it is. It's a lifetime of caring myself as if I might possibly know what I'm doing, that I'm supposed to be where I am, that kind of thing. But it's a very thin veneer. You have a trustworthy face. Just the dimensions of your face are just trustworthy, and definitely out of the three of us, you're the only one who could anchor a news show, surely. Oh, that's true.

Possibly not in this decade, but yes. I think I could anchor a new show in like a small breakaway Soviet Republic or something. Yeah. But certainly not BBC One. Sort of like a revolutionary news show that was quite kind of low budget, done from under a staircase, and just with the sense that you're probably going to get killed within the next sort of few weeks. Yeah, you can hear artillery shells, one with spectacular footage of the moment that the

junta raids your recording studio that would be spread like wildfire. Yeah. So that's very much... I think that's... You'd be a hero of the revolution. That's the kind of news programme I would be suited to, but also would like to present. Yeah, it feels like it's not going to last, is it? This isn't going to go ahead and become like a news night or a big hitter, is it this show?

This is very much seat of your pants. We're all going down together. Because, of course, news night started when a small junta led by Gavin Essler and Kirsty Walk stormed BBC television centre and they're yet to leave. And they've just hung around. And they've been there ever since. If you want it, you just got to go and get it, that's what Kirsty says, isn't it? Yeah.

And the only clue as to that that remains is the strangely sort of sexy guitar riff at the beginning. They keep the lights pretty low as well, as I don't know if you've noticed, they keep the studio lights very, very low because they don't want you to be discovered at any point. Yeah. We've got a lot of American listeners. They won't even know what news night is. Oh.

Shall we tell them what news night is? Can you imagine that the most premium level news coverage, nightly, delivered with this kind of level of panache that is unwarranted, I think. It's a deep dive, isn't it? It's a deep dive. It's got a panache. It's got a level of kind of Bond-esque. The whole thing is basically just pure Bond, isn't it?

They're all kind of like Bond to a degree. They're well dressed. They're smart. They're whip-smart. Yeah, whip-smart. It's so classy. John Soaple? Is he one of them?

He's the American correspondent. Can I say something which UK journalists have, and John Soaple has it, they get so turned on by American news. It's almost like they're embarrassing to listen to. Yeah, they just absolutely freak out about it, like anything that's to do with the White House or the press briefing room. John Soaple, they're like, I've just come back from the press briefing room in the White House and the chairs were all laid out and they had little bits of paper printed out

with a special logo at the top. You want to be in the pool, apparently. It keeps coming up, I want to be in the pool. I mean, I was in the pool today. And Nancy Pelosi, I was in the lift with Nancy Pelosi. Like, they're just like fans of a band or something. But it's because American politics is so much cooler than, like the British politics version of that is going to a leisure center and seeing, you know, some bloke who used to be a head

teacher, become an MP and everyone sort of claps limply and it's just rubbish. Yeah. And you don't get American correspondence going, I'm in Finsbury leisure center. It's just not sexy. And like the president of the United States gets the presidential car, which apparently you can fire like a air to ground missile at and it'll be fine. Well, what's the nickname of that? It's called the hog or something.

The beast. The beast. Is this like super impenetrable car? The passenger doors are as thick as a normal car, I think. Well, you know, I think I'm lying when I say that it's got a thing where if someone approaches the car and tries to like bang on the window, it's got like flamethrowers the class. I think it would be a it's a series of settings.

So it starts with just a little squirt from a water pistol. That doesn't work. There's a little product shoots out. Then it's your bow and arrow. Well, it depends which extras you got. I think they went for all the extras, right? It's actually it's actually just a Hyundai I 10 with all the extras. Fully specked out with the casings of about three other Hyundai I 10s outside it.

Yeah. Here's another thing they love saying is the Caucasus. Yeah. John Sopol just go, oh, I've just been to the Caucasus. No one knows what he's talking about. They've got some nice glossary. Even even the Senate is a bit stronger than the houses. Yeah.

Yeah. Senator. A bit more Star Wars, isn't it? Senator. Emily Maitlis. She's the other one. I love Emily Maitlis. She's so badass.

Clearly. Yeah. Just just the best. She she's absolutely kick ass. She kind of has the vibe of a sort of classy movie assassin. Yes. You know, sort of quiet and intelligent and can go into a can go into a room with like 12 12 members of the Russian mafia and come out five minutes later and they just walk.

They're literally sort of paint that is wallpaper. She's using one of their shins as a toothpick. She's she's in any situation. Heavyweight. Yeah. Basically is what you're saying, right? Into intellectual news or organized crime group. Heavyweight, you know, whatever.

And she can I'd watch the movie. I would I would watch the the Maitlis assassin biopic. Although I can imagine what a team of male writers would do with that character. Because I am I'm married to an actress. I see I see a lot of scripts with I can imagine the character description. You know, it would be something like, you know, she's hot, but she knows she's hot. But do the people around her know she's hot? Yes, most of them do.

So they would pummel the pure essence of Maitlis into into a route one much. Absolutely. Essentially. The screenwriters would also throw in some Greshan type. She was top of a class valedictorian in Harvard Law. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She's the kind of woman that can make a man's heart fall out of his trousers.

Well, yeah, she's you can tell from her eyes that she's got you down. This woman, she can do an operation on a penguin and also make a sweet frittata. You never tasted a frittata so good. Hey, what's that? Yeah, she just wrote an op-ed piece for the Guardian. But don't approach her in a blind spot, because this kid did three tours of Vietnam and it's got a purple heart and a golden star or whatever that is. And that golden purple star goes pretty well with her eyes.

I mean, you could see her as part of as part of the Marvel franchise. I wouldn't be surprised if she's already being being prepared for the next generation. You don't you don't think it's kind of Oscar fodder. It's not like a sort of arthly shot biopic. I think it could have been, but then it would have been, yeah, it would have gone through the Hollywood writers room and been absolutely mashed into place. Yeah. The only way you could conceive of that film would have to be that she and Anthony Hopkins

have both played different poems. Yeah. And her part would be slowly whittled down until eventually she was just playing some white smoke and that was it. And then the make this fan community would be up in arms. So I'm imagining a kind of, I think it's probably a trilogy, the make list trilogy. Yeah. Kind of like a born thing.

MMM. Yeah. Triple M. Triple M. Triple M1. M. I'll be the first one. Break it down like that because that's what posters like now, isn't it?

It's all like abbreviations and punctuation and stuff. The only other way you could see into it would be something like the make list chronicles. Oh, yeah. And she'd be sort of intergalactic. Space Empress. Who's been ejected from the galactic, you know, sort of UN because of her interview with Prince Andrew. She really did take apart Prince Andrew. Like that was her crowning moment, I think.

Yeah. That would, I mean, they probably could make a movie about that, right? That feels like Oscar fodder, that kind of like. When a Frost Nixon took down the institution. I think Prince Andrew is so deluded about himself that he would imagine that film about the interview being a sort of rocky with him as the hero. And it would all be about him preparing. They'd have flown in an expert from New Zealand to prepare him for the different questions.

We'd have a lot of. And make list is a sort of steroid fuelled Russian cyborg. Exactly. Hot house dinner, Siberian training. Brought in to tear him apart, but his good old fashioned British sense of tailoring and flashbacks to the incident in the Falklands when he stopped, stopped being able to sweat and things like that. A rich theme in the movie. They'd be like a super close up on his brow.

And the first time he sweated again since 1983, as the little bead comes out and goes down his face. What, when make list asks him something quite penetrating. Oh, nice. And we see how reflected and kind of upside down in the bead of sweat. Absolutely. Zoom in. Make list. Yeah.

And then we cut the make list. We cut to the Russian scientist who's controlling make list remotely, which is Anthony Hopkins. But it's a modern film. So he's not trying to do an eggy Russian accent. He's doing it in a, in a regional British accent. They've gone to noble on it. That's right. And he's, he's, he's secretly in London.

He's commandeered one of the pods on the London Eye and he's in disguise as a family from the Midlands. But he's also the Pope. Not many people could pull that off. Well, that's why he's got two Oscars. Yeah. So this, this week, it's, um, Lizards, isn't it that we talked about? It is Lizards. Yes.

We recorded this a few weeks ago just to be fully, um, transparent about this. Obviously, the format of this show is to discuss topics that you send in, but we had stored some up. So this is another one suggested by our friend, Gareth. Full disclosure, this was recorded before the death of our Lord and Saviour, the Jeaque of Edinburgh. Although I've adjusted that. Well, we mentioned him and then Mike was, Mike is so deeply respectful of the Royal Family that he, um, he went in and re-recorded a line to put him in the past tense, which must have been hard for you, Mike. Oh, are we, are we going that far up the Wizard's Slave, are we? Nice.

Not so respectful as to remove the, the, the suggestion that Prince Philip was a lizard. Uh, the other thing I want to say is that we've done two episodes now, both of them have, have mentioned the Royal Family quite a lot. And I also know we've got a lot of American listeners. I think some of them will find it sort of quaint that we're talking about the Royal Family that we love so much. But I just want to impress on them that we, in general, I'd never think about them at all. It's just for some reason, whenever we record this, they sort of come to mind. Paul's erring though, isn't it? Trying to make that point because, um, we are discussing them right now, for example.

Do you know what I mean? I think in the, yeah. So what you're worried about is Americans think that all we think about is the Royal Family. And you're trying to, you're sort of trying to sort of quash that by A, referring to the Royal Family and B, referring to the fact that we've twice referred to the Royal Family and something else. I mean, yeah, that's the long and short of it. Yeah. It's, I think, to be honest, I think it's about showing, not telling with, with making points about one's interest in the Royal Family. So, or one's level of interest.

So I think the real value is going to be in us not bringing up the Royal Family as much. So you should, you should in future recordings, not wear that Prince Andrew fleece, for example. Is that for example? Okay. That's one of the little things we can do. Okay. Cause that might be what's making us think about it in the first place. It could be that.

So our theme for today is lizards here long before we arrived and no doubt here long after we're gone. You know, when people say, oh, lizards haven't changed for millions of years, yeah, or they'll say about sharks and stuff as well. They go, this creature hasn't changed for millions of years. How are you supposed to react to that? I never know what I'm supposed to feel in that. I think you're supposed to feel a degree of wonder. I think that's just that it hasn't changed.

Isn't it more amazing that things have changed? I mean, I mean, evolution is incredible, isn't it? Right. But so what they're saying is here's an example of evolution that when it didn't happen, but I'm supposed to celebrate that. They've already reached like, they're the optimum thing. They don't need to evolve anymore. Have you seen it? Have you seen a lizard?

You're saying that's the optimum thing. I think crawling around the ceiling on your holiday, eating insects. I read something on the internet the other day that said that there's a phenomenon in evolutionary science where over the millennium, whatever, various animals, different animals have evolved into a crap, but like completely independently, like different things have ended up as a crab or like a beaver and an alpaca. Yeah. Yeah. And whatever eventually they meet the shores of Brighton.

So that means there are multiple sort of lines of family that lead to crab that aren't related to each other at all. Yeah. It's like all roads lead to Rome, but all organisms eventually turn into a crab because the crab is like the ultimate. It's purely evolved in the correct way. So what you're suggesting is that the crab is the perfect organism. I'm not suggesting I'm asserting it strongly. When it comes to, there can be only one. It's going to be down to shark versus crab is what you're saying.

Yeah. Final dominance of the earth. This mankind thing is just a passing phase. So do you think we're on our way to being crabs? Well, science suggests we are. We're just taking the long scenic route to the final crab. I tell you what, you know, when you think about it, has there been an increase in sidelong? Yes, undoubtedly.

There has, hasn't there? Think about the crime stats. There's more sidelong than ever, right? People are sidelong up to each other. That's probably a sign, potentially. What do people love to do more than anything else when they go on holiday? Go for a paddle in the sea. Of course.

Go for a paddle in the sea. Of course, in America a pavement is called a sidewalk, isn't it? Oh my God, no, exactly what's happening. What's the one thing we would all do to improve our hands if we could? Turn them into claws. One larger than the other. Yeah. Why am I playing this concerto on the piano when I could be roughly bashing it out with pincers?

Yeah. It's all falling into place. We are, as we evolve as a society, we're also making better and better external protective clothing. Aren't we? Yes. Are you saying we like getting dressed? I'm saying we like getting dressed.

We all love to nestle between two thick slices of floury white bread. Well, it actually sounds quite nice. And we're getting better at making protective exoskeletons, I'd say. Compared to where we were a thousand years ago. Are you talking about Gortex? I'm just going to pause you there and literally ask you, what are you talking about with that one? I'm talking about we've got a natural lurch towards the shell.

Is what I'm saying. Are you talking about riot police? I'm talking about riot police. I'm talking about sensible cyclists. Okay, that's a good point. I'm talking about people in the skate park. So you think that maybe humanity is barreling towards becoming a kind of lycra crab? I'm saying in some aspect, on some level, we know where we're heading and we're helping

ourselves along our way. And if you look at that cycle helmet technology, it's quite, it is that organic technology, isn't it? Where it's lightweight, but it's durable, but it's curved to the shape of a middle-aged man's head. It's got that organic technology. Where's the crossover? Where does it technology end? And this really boring fucking dick called Brian starts.

Do you know what I mean? When you see a middle-aged cyclist, also, you know the way they walk, when they're walking and they've got the shoes on, the clackety-clackety shoes, the clacketing, the clacketing across the pavement in the clackety shoes. Yeah, and all of those guys like eating bacon. What they don't tell you is that they like it on a string. They're keeping crops. And also, I can guarantee you something.

If you get five or six of those guys and you stick them in them ginormous buckets, yeah, full of water, they will panic in the same way that crabs do. They'll try and scrabble up the sides in the same way that crabs do. And eventually, they'll lose energy and just sort of sit there looking a bit depressed. And then you can crack them right open. And you can crack them right open. Gorge on the flesh, the innards. Get some vinegar in there.

And it's a nice sea side treat with some vinegar, isn't it? Yeah. The sound of gulls and a special little fork to get up in the shin and get all that flesh out of the shins. The big argument has always been do crabs and lobsters feel pain when you boil them to death? And the... Yeah, because there's an intuitive answer, isn't it? Which constantly comes to mind. But I think the consensus is that they do feel pain, but they're too stupid to associate pain with

distress. So pain for them is just like a little light going on, going meh, like in your car when it kind of goes, oh, we run out of oil. But you don't feel sad because of it. You're just like, oh, here we are. Do you see what I mean? So they experience it, but they're just like, that's live. Well, that's ideal, isn't it?

Because pain is a warning system, right, isn't it? Yeah. So really, the fact that it hurts as well is quite annoying because ideally you'd just have a dashboard like lobsters do. Exactly. A kind of dashboard that just tells you your leg is in trouble rather than your leg's hurting. But people ignore a dashboard, don't they? People will ignore a dashboard warning like for weeks or even months.

That's a good point. Think about the amount of times I've run out of petrol. Yeah. Well, that's why every lobster goes in for an MOT every year. I mean, we've gone off topic here. I mean, we're mostly talking about lizards. That's a good point. Well, what is a lizard, really, but a crab without its shell?

Well, like everything, it's going to be a crab at some point. So it's just a question of when this podcast goes out. The thing that first comes to mind, lizard-wise, is the old tail comes off if you grab it. Yeah. Is that true? Well, the thing is that it comes off and re-grows, isn't it? That's the fact.

Although, I did have an acquaintance of mine who lives locally, to me, a seven-year-old who only a few days ago was trying to tell me that this also applied to the limbs of a lizard, which I took issue with. Okay, let's quickly back up on something you said, that you've got a seven-year-old acquaintance. Well, yeah, quite a few. Knock it about in the area. A lot of primary school age acquaintances.

So not a friend, then you wouldn't go? I wouldn't go as far as that, because we get on, absolutely. It's more of a friend than a friend, or a friend of a relative, really. For example, in COVID restriction times, we wouldn't go out as a pair for a walk. We wouldn't grab a cappuccino together. No. But if you cross paths in a pub toilet or something, you'd do a nod and a breathe. We'd say hello.

Yeah, we'd pass the time of day, absolutely. I'd ask after her family. She wouldn't ask after mine. Yeah, that's quite one way. But the point the seven-year-old was making, whether or not she was right about the fact that if you chop a lizard's leg off, it can grow back. There is some sort of regrowth in there, and she was talking about the potential applications. But she thinks it's the limb.

So, I mean, as in in mankind, as in like, you know... So, for example, if you lose a limb, so war veterans, for example, you could off to replace a lost limb with a small lizard's tail. Yeah, or if someone's cycling down a hill and there is fall off. They can have two lizard tails on the head. Exactly. Is that possible? And do we want that?

So, was she talking about the possibility of human limb regrowth? Human anything regrowth. Well, you're a man of science, Mike. I've often wondered this, and I wonder whether you can clear this up for me. There are certain parts of your body, right? The do replenish themselves to a degree. So, if you bite off a tiny bit of the inside of your cheek by mistake, I've done that in the past, and maybe a tiny, like, little milligram of human flesh disappears

or gets eaten, that will be replaced, right? Yeah, fingernails. Yeah, fingernails, your liver, famously. But, Mike, what is the threshold above which the body just doesn't bother anymore? So, a big gash in your arm will eventually heal up, but if I cut off my arm, it just gives in. Well, even a big gash in your arm depends on how deep you go, right? Because you might fit a little skinny thin gash.

It'll heal up, but if it's deep, you'll get a scar, won't you? It won't completely come back. Similarly, you're noggin, right? And if you nosh up a couple of brain cells, they ain't coming back. That's the one way straight, right there. This is that. Sorry, I remember hearing that fact. So, brain cells don't regenerate.

Is this in any way linked to that there are certain things which keep growing and certain things which don't, aren't there? Yes, Prince Charles' ears. Prince Charles' ears. Well, no, no, no, human, sorry, excuse me, that's not just him. Human male ears get longer. Longer? They don't grow, so you end up with longer and longer ears on men,

especially you'll notice that the ear doesn't tend to grow out so much down, so you get a long flesh ear. They keep growing, but I don't know if that, the other thing people like to say is that that carries on after death, like fingernails keep growing after death. But again, I think that's a bit of a fallacy. The fingernail thing, I think, is more that someone has, you're kind of birken-haired grave robbers rocked up, dug someone up, and they remember them having a lovely set of freshly manicured nails

just before they were taken down in a wagon accident. But when they dig them up to sell them, learn, behold, they've got great big fingernails. But I think that's on the whole really, because everything else around it is sort of withered and reduced, so it's relative. Well, I'm just picturing those photos you get. You know, you'll get a photo of the amazing lady who's never cut her fingernails. She alive or dead? Well, she'd be alive in the photo, but dead since,

because I'm picturing quite an old black and white photo. But they're always smiling and they've got these incredible nails that curl all over the room, like all over. They'd be brilliant for angling and things, or for litter picking and whisking. The rest of the most of the time, those are absolute nightmare, aren't they? I mean, just the basics of getting up in the morning and sort of... Oh yeah, your partner's going to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting at home, a lot of very basic tasks.

It's clear what she was up to. There's a long period in that career where your fingernails are just really annoyingly long for you and everyone you know, but you still can't actually monetise it yet. I'd say there's probably a good decade. You're just waiting for the sweet payoff when someone's going to document you in your CPA photograph. You end up in some freakbook compilations.

And you probably wonder if it was worth it at that stage. So anyway, that's a bit of a diversion. We were talking about lids. We were interested in regeneration of the... Have either of you seen the documentary on Netflix? It was something like My Octopus Friend. Oh my God, I have seen a bit of that. Basically, over lockdown, there's things happen where...

You know, there's fads, obviously, in TV and stuff. Everyone's talking about something. But the turnover of that is so fast now. But there was basically about... There was like a sort of day and a half where everyone was obsessed with My Octopus Friend. We jumped on that bandwagon and we got so far with it, but it was interrupted by Pam.

And we haven't returned to it, I think because the next must-see then came along before we had a chance to finish it. Right. Just to explain, Pam is your dog. That's right. But yeah, the octopus did a bit of regenerating, didn't she, I think? Exactly. It's actually called My Octopus Teacher. Which just sounds like the absolute kind of cynical

tripe, children's book idea that... Shit sounds every two weeks. Now, I suppose that just sounds like a celebrity sort of children's book, doesn't it? Yeah. Right, so what's not been done? I don't know. Kids have teachers.

I mean, a hurry. A teacher isn't normally what? A radiator. A teacher could be a... Could be a radiator. My radiator. My Victorian radiator or... No, no.

My teacher who's... Curtains, no. Curtains, teachers, two of them... Drawing is complicated. What about an animal or something? Squid, nice clothes, but it's not quite right. Been done. This is too many giant squids.

Kids say it doesn't go well with the under-nines at the moment. Giant squids, because it's seen as threatening. By the way, this meeting, we've really got to crack on here. We've got to crack on. I'm a celebrity. I'm trying to write a children's book. I haven't got all fucking day. I'm trying to write a much-loved million-selling children's book.

Do you know what I mean? Octopus, octopus, octopus, octopus. No one's there, octopus. Octopus, children's book. Right. Okay, bye. I'm off to present to children's radio too. But, no, so it's called My Octopus Teacher.

And it's your classic story of depressed man loses the world to live. And… Lives in an extraordinary iddle, which must help if you're having a crushing breakdown. He goes out snorkeling one day and he meets an octopus and they hit it off instantly. Who, for the sake of this episode,

we should – we should – we'll just say that the octopus is a sort of lizard, shall we, just to make things easier? It's a kind of aquatic lizard. What is he – what is he taught by the octopus? It's basically, it's sats. It's geography, economics, and not biology, which is part of the irony. At what stage does he have sex with the octopus?

Well, that's the thing, because the octopus is in a teaching, caring role, it's very, very controversial. There's a will – well, they weren't the element, of course, but we never get there in the end. It's just suggested that this forbidden love – it's like the end of Lost in Translation. In the last scene, he whispers gently into the octopus's ear, but we don't know what he says.

Well, there's a great scene when he's ready to do it, he's ready to sleep with the octopus, because he tells his wife he's leaving him, and he goes to sleep with the octopus, and he chases the octopus around the reefs for ages, then taps on his shoulder, the octopus turns around, and it's actually a squid. It's the wrong one.

So, the point I'm making is to do with lizards, is that the octopus loses an arm. Or a leg. And it's very, very sad, but then it grows back. How does it lose its arm? Shark. I think it's shark. It is shark, yeah.

Shark attack. A nasty little shark. But, Mike, and I don't think it's asking too much to ask you this. Do you think that the fact that octopuses can regrow tentacles and lizards can regrow tails means that, in theory, the science could be there for humans to do that with their whole bodies and basically become immortal? Well, I'm the guy to ask, right?

So, yeah, I do have biology A level. Let's not forget that. I think immortality is just around the corner. Absolutely. It was quite a horrible day when I learned that octopuses have got a beak. No one tells you that as a child. It's a disturbing idea, isn't it? To be pecked by an octopus.

Is it true? Is that true? Isn't it obvious, Henry? No. So, if you look underneath, under all the arms in the central bit, it's got a sort of, I think I'm right in saying, a sort of combi mouth anus that has a kind of beak on the end. I mean, when is something a beak?

I mean, how do you define it? Do you know what I mean? If it can build a nest in it, it can sing. It's a beak. No, I want to get to the truth of this. And it hasn't got, because it really got a combi mouth anus. Well, I think so. That's incredible.

And is the beak to do with the mouth bit of it and the anus bit of it is both, is it? I'm afraid we've reached the edge of my expertise when it comes to octopus beak anus mouths, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. And how does that relate to combi boiler technology? Is it similar? Because combi boiler means you don't have to have a water tank.

Yes. And does a combi mouth anus mean you don't have to have an intestine, therefore? You just go straight in and out. I thought the zoom had broken there, but that was a genuine, absolutely stupefied pause. You basically stumped us all. So lizards.

The other thing about lizards is the belief, the widespread belief that the British royal family are indeed lizards and not human beings. Of course. There's the whole conspiracy lizard. Are they indigenous to this planet? Those lizards or are they space lizards? Are they not?

I think they're space lizards. They're shape-shifting space lizards, yeah. Are you, would you have been on board with it? Have they been domestic? Is this a border issue for you? So lizards are kind of generally portrayed as nasty in a way, which maybe feels a bit harsh, doesn't it? Because he's obviously seized on that conspiracy theory.

What's his face? David Ike. What's he called again? David Ike. David Ike. Because lizards feel sinister. Because they're literally cold-blooded. Is that why?

So we assume that they're also metaphorically cold-blooded. Yes, I don't know what the grounds are for the lizard thing. Without the layer of the lizards, it's just a simple conspiracy thing. They're really powerful rich people, and guess what? They run some stuff. People add all sorts of atrocious and racist

and other details to those things. But you can understand how someone might construct a conspiracy theory like that. But what I don't get is where the lizard bit, where that came from. Because that's quite a bold detail to throw in. You're right, because up until then, it's actually quite convincing,

and maybe even have some truth to it. But it sounds like he's got on a roll, and it's like he's been chatting to some people, and they've been buying it. I mean, he used to be a sports commentator, so he was probably talking to Des Lyne. I see it was a chat with Des Lyne and Jim Rosenthal. They're in the Emirates Stadium after the match.

Amino Chinzano and Lemonade. Ike's holding court. Yeah, and he'd have started talking about how the royal family, maybe they control stuff, and maybe big business and bankers control things. And Lyne, obviously, would have been high as a fucking kite and just eating it up, wouldn't he? Yeah, Linnaker throws an industry industrial complex,

and that just spurs, I can't even further. Exactly, and then he probably gets on a roll, and then just, you know, sometimes when you're on a roll, feeling over-confident, you just chuck in, you just push it a bit too far, and he chucked in the lizard thing. And you had to stand by it. Maybe at that point.

But Lyne them lapped it up. Lyne them lapped it up. Hanson just would have played his cards very close to it, I can't imagine. So you're saying it's probably just a moment of sportscaster bravado. Yeah, it could have been, like, yeah, one of those great moment sports commentators have,

like, you know, he's going to win the title back at 38. Prince Charles is a lizard. It's a similar moment of just inspiration that hits. Also, what doesn't make sense about the conspiracy, even though, of course, there are lots of things that don't make sense about it, is how do they explain people marrying into the royal family? So Kate, you know, who's married to Prince William,

Prince William is a lizard, a shape-shifting lizard. At what point does he reveal to her that he's a shape-shifting lizard? Does she become a shape-shifting lizard? Is he lizard or is he half lizard? Do you know what I mean? Oh, because Diana's not lizard. Well, that's it.

Does that mean he's half shape-shifting as well? So his upper body stays as well, but his lower body can turn into, like, a yak. A yak in hate. So if you imagine the queen is 100% lizard, she marries Prince Philip, who's just a Greek man, but not a lizard. He must have been lizard as well.

Mustn't he? Was the greatest of respect? Oh, so he's lizard as well. Yeah, I think just a separate stream of, yeah, sort of distant cousin lizard. Yeah, so that makes Charles 100% lizard. Diana you're saying is not lizard. Not lizard.

Yeah, full mammal. Right. Of course she isn't. Did you see the way she talked to children in hospitals? Yeah, exactly. Ben, the idea that you're even suggesting that is quite offensive. No, you're not going to be able to give comfort

to landmine victims if you've come out of a leathery egg. It's not... Okay, so Diana's full mammal, that creates William and Harry who are both half shape-shifting lizard and half human. Yeah, one of whom is struggling with it, I would say. Yeah, which one? I think Harry's having a bit of a hard time. Well, Prince William's not having a great time either,

but sure, so Harry's... The reason that Harry's struggling is not because of the sustained racist media attacks on his wife. He doesn't give a shit about that. No, I think he's found a really good clinic in California. It's a fucking second. So the scaliness of his lower abdomen, once and for all.

I see. Is he trying to de-lizard himself? I think so. I don't think so. California is the kind of place that might happen. Either that or the cold-blooded element of him prefers that the warmer climbs of California. That's a good point.

It might be that being in the UK makes him feel all tired and gloopy. And it's probably better... California's probably a better place to breed the live termites he feeds on. So lovely hot rocks to sort of scamper about and skitter up. And Meghan's full human. Full human.

I think Meghan is full human. I'm just doing a good family tree here. Because I think that Kate, we look at how seamlessly she has, you know, been with the royal duties and stuff. She's got to have some lizard in her already, don't you think? So I think Kate is half lizard at minimum, which means Kate and Will's children will be three-quarters lizard. Well, unless we don't know how the genetics of it works.

I mean, it could be that, you know, perhaps if you had four kids, for example, you know, one of them would be 100% lizard. One of them would be 100% human. I mean, we don't... Oh, yes. You know, I mean, it's likely to be a mix, of course. And one of them would be a ginger tabby cat.

That's right. That could happen with the shape-shifting. Yeah. Yeah. Princess Eugenia, of course, is a tortoise. That's right. You sort of know you're on holiday when you've seen your first lizard. Yes, good, isn't it?

It's really good when you see a lizard on holiday, for me. Yeah, because you'll point it out. You'll go, Lizard, I saw a lizard. Look, there's a lizard. Yeah. Oh, it's good. Which would be like me saying to you, look, look, look, there's a pigeon.

I was thinking, it's like, it's not... It's an utterly unremarkable animal. But for British people, are we one of the... Just, okay, I'm just putting this out there. We're right. Just like, I've not thought this through. Are we like the only non-lizard nation, potentially? I mean, we do have lizards in Britain a bit, don't we?

I think in, like, Cornwall is lizards and the slightly warmer areas. Are you thinking of the Lizard Peninsula? I'm not. I'm not. I'm thinking of actual lizards. Domestic lizards? Yeah, we've got them. We've got them.

That's like saying we've got domestic snakes. We do. No, I know. It's like saying that, because people do say that as well. But it's true. That's like saying we've got domestic wildcats. We did it, right, yeah. Where would you draw the line on reintroduction?

Bearing in mind, at one point, the Earth was just one big sort of, you know, continent. And we had a bit of everything. I'm really into it. I'd love it. Do you like reintroduction? I'd be well up for it. Wolves.

Wolves is the one they want to do, isn't it? Do you know when the first mother has a child taken away by the wolves? Yes. They'll have to be a bit of soul searching at that point, when they're about the whole reintroducing wolves decision. Bring her to me. When the wolf attacks start, because obviously there will be wolf attacks, weren't there, because wolves, I mean, at that point,

how do you talk your way out of that one? I don't think people will talk about it much. I think probably the shepherds will get tooled up, and their conservationists will make some placards. And it'll just get fought out. In the hills and the valleys. Are they going to reintroduce wolves? It's happening.

They want to in Scotland, but I'm pretty sure they're not going to, because she's from the wolves. Yeah. Yeah. One of the advantages, this is quite boring, but one of the advantages is they keep down numbers of things like deer. And deer, if you have too many deer, because they currently roam unchecked, apart from people hunting them,

they strip the fauna too much, which means you end up with fewer butterflies. Which means less idyll. So it's all out of balance at the moment, because there's no predators in Britain. Yeah. And so that would obviously, that would be, what to focus on while you're being swallowed alive by a wolf would be that.

Yeah. You're bringing that nature into balance. Beautifully. Yeah. Yeah. You're part of the solution. Although not for that meal, obviously, because that meal should have been used on a mischievous doe,

but instead it's been used on you. And what haven't we talked about with Lizards? What have we missed? We didn't talk about the Lizard that I quite like, which is the one that lives on the hot sand of the Sahara, I think. And it's always got alternate legs up in the air all the time. You know, it's always doing this up. I really, because it's so up down.

It's so bloody hot. It's so bloody hot. It's like, oh, oh, oh, bloody hot. Oh, oh, oh, look at that. Forever. Like an Englishman in a midday Mediterranean beach who's forgotten his flip-flops. Exactly.

And I'm not aware of that. Have you not seen them? There's the chameleon, of course. The color changing. I mean, that's a neat trick. We haven't discussed that. That is a good one. Well, that's where you'd assume the idea of shape-shifting comes from.

A chameleon's halfway there. Of course. But it's more about sort of blending in with different kinds of wallpaper. Yeah. We didn't talk about crocodiles or alligators. Are they lizards? Are they lizards? No.

They're a lot like lizards. Are they? I mean, it's becoming quite clear. We don't know very much about lizards. No, that feels like the sort of question we should all be able to answer. Absolutely. Very easily. And with great certainty.

What, is whether a crocodile is a lizard? Yeah, but I just don't feel I can. I feel like I can say it's a reptile. But then as soon as I say that, I'm now full of crashing doubts. I'm going to put this into Google and see what comes up. If you write is a crocodile. If you, okay. If you write is a croc.

I'm going to say no. There you go. I'm going to put my neck on the line. I'm saying yes. You get, is a crocodile a lizard? No. Yes. Or did I say yes?

You said yes. No. But I feel it was arbitrary as to who chose what. Alligators, crocodiles, caimans and garrials are all, but I've got a brilliant word. Do you know what alligators and crocodiles are? Well, let's hear it. Crocodilians.

Oh, very good. We didn't mention dinosaurs, which are like the main, no. Of course. Oh, shit. Lizards. I guess that was when lizards. When lizards rule the earth. If you could go back and tell a T-Rex that in 2021,

there'll be no T-Rexes, but there will be Salamanders still around. The only T-Rex will be nothing more than a wind up plastic toy on a child's shelf. I did think you'd believe you. But just in the same way that if you told the average guy on the street today, listen, you know, a few million years from now, you're not going to be here, but I'll tell you who will be here in your terraced house is a crab.

They probably won't believe you either. And you say a few million years, Mike, I fully believe it's going to be a matter of decades. Right. And I think it's a brighter future for me, you and your children. And my wife went on holiday, right? This is before I knew her. She went on holiday to Jamaica once.

And staying in these like beach huts. And in the middle of the night, one night, there was a knocking on the door. And she went to the door in the middle of the night, quite freaked out, opened it. There was no one there, went back to sleep. And the knocking started again, went back up the door, there was no one there.

And eventually she realized that there was a crab knocking at the door. With a package to sign for. A package to sign for. And it was because it was before Yodel. And of course, that's what it was. Yeah, it's effectively nature's land-based drone, isn't it? A crab. A crab.

Which I think concludes our discussion of lizards very nicely. Delt with. Okay, so that was lizards. I think dealt with conclusively. Now, thank you to everyone who's gone in touch, either at our Twitter account, bean salad pod, or our email address, threebeansaladpod.gmail.com. I think the big issue that's come up this week,

mainly the theme of a lot of the correspondence, has been reacting to something I said in last week's podcast. And I'd just like to publicly apologize for that, which is that I said that the kind of bird that can tell your face off, the flightless bird, is a rea. Turns out it's not a rea at all. It's called a cassowary. And a rea is that kind of small emu, by all accounts, very sweet, very nice.

And I want to say sorry, because I know that a lot of people have listened, maybe who had pet reas, became scared of them, destroyed them. I know that there's a small safari park in the West Midlands that destroyed all of the reas. Well, if anyone was watching BBC News, they'd have seen the helicopter footage of the piles of reas being burned. The other side of that coin is that down the road from me in Painted Zoo, that there is a cassowary whose supervision has become so lacklustre in the last week as a result of our podcasts that the cassowary has decimated the zoo.

They immediately changed him to Code Beige security, didn't they? They lowered his security to Code Beige. Exactly. He's torn the place to shreds. He's had two with three gorillas. He's absolutely minced up the panini booth. And it's a mess. That's on us. That is on us. And also, there'll be people out there walking through the jungle. They'll see a cassowary, they'll think,

well, I don't know, just worry about them. That's not a rea. And then they'll have had their face pulled off. He buddy, buddy, he buddy, buddy, he buddy, buddy. They'll say, yeah, with a little handful of nuts as they coax it in, only to find that that entire hand is gone. May I read a section of the cassowary Wikipedia page? Yes, please. Cassowaries have three-toed feet.

The second toe, the inner one in the medial position, sports a dagger-like claw that may be five inches long. The claw is particularly fearsome, since cassowaries sometimes kick humans. That's like the cleaning lady in the Bond film, isn't it? Who's got the knife in her shoe. That's basically that. She's got the cassowary shoes. The cassowary shoes.

So, yeah, sorry about that. We've had a lot of tweets about that. I did a little bit of Googling as well. And I know that cassowaries do come under the subset genus species. I think we've already known our next topic of correspondences. No, it's to do with the flightless birds with sexy legs, because they are in that subset, aren't they? Here he goes, here he goes.

And I did a bit of Googling, and I suppose unsurprisingly, it makes sense, I suppose, is that it's an evolutionary thing, apparently, that's developed to compensate, because they can't fly away from foes. They can't fly. So, the sexy legs have developed as a... As a honey pot. Essentially, it's the honey trap.

It's nature's honey trap. So, if you're homo sapiens, if you're hunting or whatever, you go into a forest and there's a clearing in the forest. What will happen is... You'll see a pair of sexy legs in a bush. Exactly. The cassowary will make sure most of its body is concealed by the bush, but the legs will be sticking out.

So, just a sexy leg with a five-inch claw at the end. Yeah. The hunter puts his rifle down. Just a sexy leg with a three-toed foot, and the medial one being a hook-like claw. The hunter puts down his... He's not got a gun yet, mate. He's got a spear.

Okay. It's homo sapiens. Okay. Okay. Puts down his spear. Hang on. We are still homo sapiens. Correct. Early man. Early man. All right. Early man.

And the other thing that will happen is a sexy jazz saxophone will appear to start playing. And that is the cassowary's call. Gem is a sort of sensual jazz... It sounds like a sensual sax solo, which is combined with a sexy leg. So, are you saying that jazz prefigures all other world music? Exactly. Like everything. It's evolutionary. Right? Everything's evolved.

Just to be clear, was the cassowary playing? The survivor of the species. Right? Was it playing a saxophone or has the baritone sax been based on the shape and neck of a cassowary? The baritone sax has been based on the shape and neck of the cassowary. Sexy human legs, saxophone throat. Okay. It's an absolutely irresistible combination. Irresistible.

So then early man, Lois, his guard, you know, he chills out, he goes, nothing to fear here. In fact, oh, might go and say hi and maybe have a chat. Chat with the owner of those sexy legs. Walks over and then he's got a beak in his eye socket. Again, you know, within seconds of them entering the clearing. But not the claw. The claw is still amused at this stage. That's probably his last thought is bloody hell.

If this is what's happening is why I'm talking. I'm trying to think what's going to happen with that claw gig. She joins the party because your eye is right back at your rear cortex. It's been pecked through your skull. But the remaining eye, the remaining eye has ever been forced out a bit because of the pressure. And is it dangles to the floor against a perfect view of the claw? The other eye exactly is dangling a bit like CCTV at that point. It's down to the body, but it's swivelling.

You've still got some swivel control. So the brains in a joystick are still working at this stage. The footage now looks grainy because your optical nerve's been damaged. Actually, grainy CCTV style footage. But if you say in harnes, in harnes, it comes back. Exactly. Yeah, and then you rue the day and then die. Golly.

We had an email from someone called Kim Kensington on this topic. She says, I have seen both Chris Rear and a rear. Wow. And disappointingly, it was attacked by neither. I don't know why I'm reassured to hear that. I'm not disappointed. Well, we know why the rear didn't attack her because we've established, subsequently, they're a peaceful bird.

Yeah, but that's quite uncharacteristic for Chris Rear to be that. Very unusual. Placid. And thank goodness you didn't see the famous crooner Chris Cassowary. Otherwise, you'd have been in real trouble. He is absolutely vicious. He, in fact, the story goes, have you ever had Chris Rear? Tell the story of how he wrote, coming in, driving in.

Oh, God. But the full version of the story is Chris Cassowary was in the back, didn't make it into the actual song, and they stop off at every services on the way and beat the shit out of everyone they could see. So they'd go into the M&S concession and just chuckle past the stars on the floor and just slap people. And he'd be punching holes in the buckets that keep the flowers with his little bladed shoes that he'd got than me.

Exactly. Making a real massive upholstery of Chris Rear's car. Yeah, nasty piece of work. Beautiful singing voice, though. Fine. There's a correction there. So does that mean that everything else, presumably, in the last week's missive was all above board, for actually accurate?

Everything else was absolutely factually accurate, as far as I'm aware. We've also had a lot of emails from people suggesting topics. This is from someone called Spurbs. Good old Spurbs. Old Spurbsy. Hey, Mike, Henry, and other guy. I like that. Hey, Spurb Patron, I'm a big fan of Spurbs.

Yeah, Spurb is really, I think we should maybe give Spurb his own. Maybe we've got, yeah, we should be Mike, Henry and Spurbs. Oh, no. Because at least Spurbs, people would be able to remember that name, rather than... Newbie. Guys, we have a bean change over. It's a bean reshuffle. Play the theme.

Spurbs writes, it's been a dream of mine since childhood to become a middle-aged British comedian, despite not being interested in comedy or being British. Okay. You're regretting subbing in Spurbs now? Yeah, Spurbsy is... I'm enjoying Spurbs. He's someone who very much, he's a risk taker, isn't he, socially? I think with Spurbsy.

I think... I think I'm that man. I'm enjoying Spurbsy immensely. I'm enjoying his bold gambit. I want to hear more from Spurbs. Well, he's about to deliver a very backhanded compliment. So here you go. Oh, I'm not, you've already, bloody, he's negging us, isn't he?

You're falling for it, boys. You're absolutely falling for it. Now, I can live that dream vicariously with three indistinguishable voices. With meandering, mildly funny conversations. That is as backhanded as it gets, isn't it? Spurbsy, okay. Spurbsy has pulled off quite a trick here, which is... He separated Ben from the pack early doors.

He's a clever move of wheat. He's a clever move of the pack early doors. He's an absolute master. You realise I was the weakest of the hood? Certainly drew me in. I am now 100% dependent on Spurbsy for my any sense of self-worth or... I mean, that transference has happened 100% now. It's just psychologically that it would take years of work

to separate Spurbsy from my sense of self. To desperb. Desperbing at this point. It would almost take so long that it's safer, quicker, be easier for me and the people around me, the people who love me, if I just get married to Spurbs or just become part of his entourage. I think it's the only healthy way forward at this point.

It just feels easier. To Shay Spurbs. Henry, are you ready for the final line of the email, I think, is the coup de grace when it comes to... You're not even finished. Oh, no. It's not even finished. What, are Spurbs quite in store for us now?

Okay. He's sealing the negging deal here, I think. So, Spurbs then goes on to recommend something we might want to talk about. He says, Anyways, talk about mermaids or something. Who cares? Love Spurbs. Oh, the coup de Spurbs.

Right. So, the coup de Spurbs. Obviously, mermaids is the next topic we're going to be discussing. I don't think we need to... Oh, gosh. But we don't... That doesn't matter. At least we know it doesn't matter.

It's going to have to be mermaids. Oh, Spurbsy. I tell you what, I'm glad I don't work in a kind of office space with Spurbs. He's sitting opposite me. Do you know what I mean? Because every day he'd go into work just thinking, What is Spurbsy going to think? What's he going to say?

What's he going to make me do today? What's he going to make me do today? He's going to make me get into trouble. Because he's a powerful psychological manipulator. He's got a vice grip on me, certainly. So, it's been... I just want to say, guys, I've really enjoyed these two episodes we did together.

Yeah. I'll look back on it fondly. Yeah. I guess change the email address password and I won't be able to look it. Yeah, and it will be Spurbs... What shall we call it from now on? Spurbs is World? Spurbs Legend 1.

I reckon. Spurbs Legend 1. Yeah, probably. Ben, you need to... What if I was you? What I would do is pack everything you can into a rucksack and just do the long walk. So, it's five years.

You need to just keep walking around the country. And it's basically what you're doing is you put... If I understand Spurbsy and what makes him tick, which obviously I have no right to speculate, but the Spurbsy type, I think you need to go... You need to five-year walk in the wilderness and then prostrate yourself in front of Spurbsy,

show him the sores on your face, the sores on your arms and legs, and just hope that Spurbsy takes pity on you. It makes you a saint. And even then, there's only a 30% chance that he would acknowledge me from being there. Yeah, the most likely response is Spurbsy will not attend the meeting,

even if it's on Zoom. And you'll have wasted those five years in the wilderness. At that point, all you can do then is double up and do 10 years in the wilderness. Every stretch you do in the wilderness, the chances of Spurbsy then acknowledging it when you've finished it go down. But the length of time you have to spend in the wilderness goes up.

Yeah. You've got to lean into it even as Spurbsy slowly withdraws. So, you're an exponential Spurbsy... Yeah, it's Spurbsy wilderness. It's the Spurbs penance. And then that will go on until my dying day. And he will finally turn up at my funeral and ruin it. Yeah.

Yeah. With a kind of backhanded eulogy. He'll do a backhanded eulogy. And little things like at your funeral, I'm guessing he'll have loosened some of the laces on the pews, or he'll have people that will have loosened them for him. A lot of the pews will be just wonky enough that people can't really focus on your passing

and how much your life has meant to them and stuff. Because just all the pews will just be slightly off-kilter. I think he'll have loosened the lid on the coffin so that when it's being put down into the hole, the lid slips off to reveal me. I'm lying face down. And I'm clothed apart from... I mean, I've got a bare ass.

He's put me in traps. Yeah. He also will have at some point got off with every person in the congregation in their distant past. But they'll have only recognised him quite late on. And he'll play that. He'll then play that in on a screen. He'll have a little screen in the projector that he'll set up.

Well, him getting off with every member of the congregation over a 20-year period. And even before he says it, people will be thinking, we've been spurbed here. But even if they're not thinking it, he will then say... Just for the record. You've been spurbed big time. And then Techno Music plays.

There's lasers. Actually gets quite fun at that point. It wasn't a church at all. The walls fall away. You're actually in a water park. He releases a thousand castaways into the room. At that point, people are actually... They're on their feet, they're dancing.

You know what? This has been... This has actually been quite fun. This is a memorable day. There's energy. People are getting off with each other now. Ben, members of your family are getting off with each other. Yeah, if they're not being torn to shreds by a castaway.

Thanks for going there, Henry. It's spurbsy. It's the spurb effect. Spurbsy can free... But then the final thing, this is the real... This is the amazing bit. Music cuts down, right? Blackout, spotlight, the corner.

It's Ben. You're alive. Was I spurbsy all along? You were spurbsy. But you haven't even finished saying I was spurbsy all along before, a snooker cue down your throat. It was Wozniak. He was in the loo.

I missed all of this. He was in the loo. He missed all of this. Hang on, why is Wozniak put a snooker cue? I always bring a snooker cue with me to any sort of life event ceremony. He always brings a wave. Just in case there's trouble. Why are you attacking me with it?

I didn't know. And you know what? To this day, he can't actually answer that question. He doesn't know. It's just instincts. Even under questioning by Emily Mateless. And I would admit fully that I did it. Oh, yeah.

He knows that. There's 40 CCTVs from different people's eyes hanging off from Casper's attacks. It's completely indisputable. Yeah. Right. Well, I just want to say, thank you for your email, spurbs. It's personally quite exciting to read the email that is the beginning of that journey.

You know, we know that we've got that to come. Yeah. And it's just nice to be... It's nice to have something to look forward to with, I think. And we now know what's going to happen. How long is that going to take? 40 years? Yeah, I'd say, yeah.

Yeah. It's a 40-year cycle. Once Spurbs engages with you, once Spurbs is in your life, it's a 40-year cycle till you're free of Spurbs and dead. So, thank you very much, listeners, beanists. That's the topic for another day, perhaps. What's been a bit about that?

About what we are as a collective. Beanheads, is it? Okay. Beanheads. It's been some concern about that. Anyway, thanks for the correspondence. We do read it all. We haven't got time to read it all out today, obviously, but we'll...

I mean, perhaps there'll be less and less as the week goes on, and we will get through it all. Also, that was largely the fault of Spurbsy today. That was true. We have had some very, very excellent suggestions for future topics. So, keep them coming, please. And we will begin to get around to them very soon.

Yes, the email address is 3beansaladpod at gmail.com, and the Twitter is beansaladpod at beansaladpod. Terah for now. Terah. Terah and All Hail Spurbsy.