Three Bean Salad - My Hot Air Balloon Ride

Episode Date: July 3, 2024

This week, Bonjamin Partridge centralises power, unilaterally suppresses any viable opposition and brings all bean media under executive control. “Big deal!” we hear you cry. “He’s just tapping into the Zeitgeist!”. Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps such a man understands that the people need to hear a story about a hot air balloon ride even when they might not think they need to hear a story about a hot air balloon ride. Tune in again next week when Bonjamin turns his sights on the judiciary!Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes, a monthly bonus episode and more: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Benjamin, you were airborne, I believe, a few days ago. Yes, I've cut ties with terra firma. Things have changed for me. Aviator. I no longer am a man of the land. Emperor of the skies. I'm an emperor of the skies, no longer am a man of the land. Emperor of the skies. I'm an emperor of the skies, indeed. The partridge finally flies. I've noticed with Ben there's a new swagger.

Gravity holds no dominion. Since you stopped being what you call us, you call us crust crawlers. You've stopped being a crust crawler. And you've got this kind of buoyancy to you, which has affected your email style. I don't know, just everything about you is more bombastic. There's triple exclamation marks on everything now. And literally buoyant as well, making me wonder if the hot air balloonist filled you with

hot air. Oh yeah, I'm funneling hot propane up my arse at all times. I've modernised the beam machine so it now floats. That's why you've got a lot of sandbags tied to your waist this morning. And you've got some sort of blue flames which come out of your eyes whenever you speak now, which is a little bit disconcerting I'm going to say. The blue hot flame. I think we should explain to the listener that I've been on a hot air balloon ride and that's what we're talking about. Because we did a live show a few moons ago now in Bristol and the topic that came out

with the beam machine there was hot air balloons. At least half of the audience were experts in hot air balloons. Yeah, it's quite a weird show where we just knew Jack all about hot air balloons. At least half of the audience were experts in hot air balloons. Yeah, it's quite a weird show, you know, where we just knew Jack all about hot air balloons and really had no idea what to talk about. Because we're normally ahead of the audience, aren't we? That's one of the rules of comedy and stuff, isn't it? You're one step ahead. Well, we tend not to be there because all of our listeners are kind of PhD level educated people who seem to know a lot more about everything than we do.

That's true. Because I've always thought of us as a high status comedy troupe, but it could be actually they just see us as sort of, well, idiots. An idiot troupe. And our audience are highly intellectual, highly cultured, cultivated, almost sort of slightly effete power mongers. You know, the people at the very, very top of society and they see us as... The Cardinal Rishlu types. Exactly.

And what does that make us? Well, we're basically three shaved and greased ferrets in a bag. That's how they see us, isn't it? Is bringing the amusement ferrets of all the actual fools. We're not actually even the fools. No, because those guys are trained. Those guys are properly trained. They're actually trained.

The shaved ferrets, it's all guesswork, isn't it? Yeah, with shaved ferrets, you can't predict what a shaved ferret's going to do. It's Stanislavski's law of the shaved ferret, which is never know how good a play is. If a cat comes on, everyone will look at the cat. But a good way to get the cat off the stage is then to open a bag full of three shaved grease ferrets. You're going to see that cat for dust and the audience will get a standing

ovation and it's almost guaranteed. The audience, the crowd will love it. And thankfully the play ends at that point because everyone just goes right. There's no word, there's no point carrying on with Miss Julie, whatever we're doing. The three ferrets will then be celebrated in society when the next season, those ferrets will be- And then there's the backlash against the ferrets, of course. Yeah, that's right.

The ferrets get cancelled. One of the ferrets runs for Reform UK. The other one does GB News. Maybe the clergy? One of the ferrets runs for reform UK. The other one does GB news and said one, maybe the clergy. Probably could be clergy, could be primitual death. Could be disappears for ages. Everyone thinks they've gone away, but actually they've invented a new, really amazing biscuit. Garibaldi too.

They said it couldn't be done. No one saw it coming, but actually they, you know, like just occasionally you'll Garibaldi too. They said it couldn't be done. No one saw it coming, but actually, just occasionally you'll get a ferret that can be big, big twice in two completely different fields. This takes us a long way from the topic, but what do you think is the most recent new biscuit that's properly in the biscuit pantheon? Are we, are we including the sort of the dark chocolate wave of the, of the, of the noughties? Well, I'm saying wagon wheel. Wagon wheel. But I mean, that's back in the late eighties.

I'd say that's seventies or eighties. Yeah. That's the last innovation. Is this an egregious tangent? Well, I think what it is, it's a stumper. You've got three, you've got three shaved ferrets and you're trying to get them to do, do Hamlet or something. I mean, it's just like, this isn't our wheelhouse, Ben. It's a stump. You've got three, you've got three shaved ferrets. You're trying to get them to do, do Hamlet or something. I mean, it's just like, this isn't our wheelhouse, Ben. It's too, it's too targeted. It's too rational. We've accumulated no knowledge. We are greased shaved ferrets. We are greased shaved ferrets. Um, no, I think we've opened the, we've opened this packet of

biscuits. We've got to at least have a go at it. I mean, I'd say, um, the most recent biscuit that's come on my radar, and we're talking like about 10 years ago, is Oreos, which I feel were a new import. They never used to be able to get Oreos here. They feel very like 50s America to me. Right. Okay. So they're like a really... Mommy, will they be able to eat Oreos on the moon when they get there? I know what you mean, but they certainly weren't a feature of my childhood. Of British life. No, not my childhood. Of British life.

No, not my childhood. But they are now ubiquitous. But I think they're utterly rubbish. They're terrible. Don't you think? I think you're right. But is that because of your preset tastes? Has that biscuit come too late?

Is it too late because the biscuit centres of my brain are already completely encrusted? You cannot introduce a new biscuit at this point. It's actually quite dangerous. It's actually really, really, really dangerous. Well, I've got a similar thing, Henry, with, um, trucker Leibniz, which I assume have been going since, you know, the days, the days of the Napoleonic Wars, but they've only really been in British consciousness in the last 15 years. What do you say? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, new Persia. You can't afford a Persia, you invite them over, get them some chocolate Liebniz. Okay. Checkmate. Yeah, we're still in the game. Yeah. Okay. Well, Liebniz are the diplomatic biscuits, aren't they? They're power broker biscuits. Well, Liebniz, of course, was a battle. That's right. Yeah. The battle of Liebniz.

The battle of Liebniz. And it was decided when the Austrians dropped a giant milk chocolate rectangle onto the Ottomans. In a move none of them could have seen coming. None of them saw it coming. It's not in the Art of War, you won't find it in any of the manuals, any staff colleges across the world. It's so difficult to get chocolate airborne, Mike. That's why the chocolates you get on airplanes are so

tiny. It's one of the reasons. Because it doesn't maintain its integrity, does it? But high or low pressures. That's why it's almost entirely a sea level snack. But also because on the chocolate leadnets, the little bumps around the edge of the biscuit, each of those represents the head of an Ottoman general. And their biography. You can actually read those indentations. If you're looking at, you know, I didn't like about Oreos and Oreo to me looks like it's had all the colour, the white of the creamy bit is too white. And by the way, can we put creamy in heavy, heavy, heavy? I did actually do that. I did that visually. Yeah. It sort of looks creamy. I'll do the

sonic equivalent, which is the white of the creamy. Who thinks not? Bits. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Did that do it? Lovely and clear. Perfect. Available for voiceovers. The white of the cream bit is too white and the black of the kind of chocolatey bit is too black. It's got, it's been completely saturated. What it reminds me of is these scenes in June two that are shot in the kind of evil kingdom, the evil parts of green to the de saturated completely. There's no color. You can barely see the Oreos in those scenes.

Can you see the Oreos in those scenes? Actually, a lot of the spaceships are just a shot of an Oreo. That's how they get their sleek lines, quite strikingly simple designs. I've just looked at when the wagon wheel was invented. It's 1948. Is it really? Feels like a very luxurious snack for the post-war period. What were they doing with marshmallows in the post-war period?

And why did they market it with a kind of old west sort of... they've called it a wagon wheel. They didn't have to call it a wagon wheel, did they? Maybe. I think westerns were quite big news back then. Ah, yes. So maybe anything cowboy was cool. They originally called western wagon wheels and they were first invented in Australia. Anyway, I need an answer from you, Mike. Re-new biscuits. Yeah.

What is your go-to biscuit, Mike? Custard cream. What I'd like to see as a new biscuit would be like a sort of the club sandwich equivalent of the custard cream. I want a tomato and ham. Some crisps on the side. A dollop of Bransons. Eatin' poolside. I want another layer of custard cream. Oh yes. The kind of Big Mac of custard cream. Exactly, I want a sort of triple deck of custard cream. You see the custard cream, that is not in a desaturated world.

The cr- the cr- cream. I'm still using the voice but not as hard. The cream is has a bit of yellow and it's got a colour in it, isn't it? It's not got this weirdly black and white desaturated thing. So it's still vaguely you can look at custard cream, you can think of chickens, butter, milkmaids, a farmer being stampeded by a load of loads of hogs. Do you mean it's got it's got it feels human. It feels human.

It feels human. It's in the human realm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they, they definitely feel very like Victorian to me. Like I can imagine Queen Victoria having a custard cream. Yeah. It's an empire. It's a biscuit of empire.

Yeah. Isn't it? It's a biscuit of power. Yeah, as for new biscuits, I'm... I think Mike is an biscuit innovator. I mean, if you're a custard cream fan, you're not, you're backwards looking in your biscuit tastes. I'm genuinely stumped. You'll occasionally see someone breaking, cause they don't last, I think Mike is an innovator. I mean, if you're a custard cream fan, you're not, you're backwards looking in your biscuit tastes. I'm genuinely stumped. You'll occasionally see someone breaking because they don't last. I think I would normally you'll see someone breaking into the biscuit market with a like

some, some chocolate bar brand will try and make a version, a biscuit version of the thing. You know, like a Mars biscuit, like a Mars biscuit or a galaxy biscuit or something like that. They tend not to last. It's tend to be fleeting. You know, I bought the other day. Occasionally, I think most people do this occasionally is you're in a supermarket and you see a retro biscuit from your past and you go, maybe I can, you know, I'm going to go on a trip down memory lane, some nostalgia purchase.

So I bought a pack of blue rib and. Okay. Do you remember blue rib and it's a lunchbox staple. remember blue rib and? It's a lunchbox staple. Of course. Yeah. It's a lunchbox staple. Ooh, the Vickers coming around. Do get the blue rib and.

Yeah. And what does it mean? Does it mean like, is that a thing? It's a blue rib and event. Is that a thing? Yeah. Blue rib and means like top of the top of the pops. Blue rib and I was actually the lever of disappointment.

I was, I was actually angry. I finished the pack with the last three I ate was with real like anger. They were absolutely just, there was just nothing, there's just nothing to say about them. You've allowed yourself too many treats in, in adult life. That's the trouble. If you, if you, if you take an austerity measures against yourself, then that would still be exciting. You'd still be taking places by the blue ribbon, but you're self spoiled. So it means nothing to you. But UK bakers have progressed, chocolate technology has moved on.

We can now casually have conversations where we refer to a quadr cookie. Yeah, and it just trips off the tongue. And no, no, I'm bats night. It didn't need to be like they quadruple chalk. Cause you know, I think it was like late nineties. There was the talk of double chalk cookies. Yeah. You take a cookie, but twice as much chocolate. Yeah.

Triple chalk emerged at some point in the mid noughties, I think. And then I think we've got quadr chalk now where the, the cookie is, it's got chocolate. Telling how they say there's dark, there's, there's milk, there's white and the fourth is quadra quantum. What do you think of the phenomenon of triple chalk cookies? I mean, does it mean anything? No, it just means chocolate.

I think it's just, I think, I think that we have completed biscuits. It's a, as a good point we did so a long time ago, and I think there are people who try and say that we haven't completed them. There'll be Quadrochocs and there'll be, you know, your Galaxy biscuit and all the rest of it, but the reality is we have completed biscuits. We're just shifting around the same ingredients. Yeah. We're shifting the, we're rearranging the deck chairs on a delicious biscuit Titanic

Exactly that the history of of biscuits is written. Yeah, and it's sinking into it into a sea of what caramel? Yeah, or a nice hot cup of tea. I think for my even though Henry you had that experience. I think for Mike Top of the tree is the blue rib and the way that his eyes shone when you mentioned the blue rib and she likes blue rib and of course. Of course I do. It's a lunchbox staple, but not every day. It's like it's like a Friday, Friday lunch. It's not, you know, it's not like the start of the week. It's not a Monday. You're sounding like a politician who's just got this line he's trotting out. Just keep saying it's a lunchbox staple. It'll get clipped up, it'll end up on TikTok. Famous, social justice and lunchbox staples.

Get the message out. It's a lunchbox staple. That's what you're hearing on the doorstep. People want more lunchbox staples. What people are talking about, what people are asking about is lunchbox staples. But Mike, I have here the figures from the Office of Budget Responsibility that says that it is not a lunchbox staple. In fact, if anything, it's draining the national lunchbox.

It's a Friday feeling. Okay, listen, it's not an end of terma, it's not a birthday lunchbox Friday feeling. Okay. Listen, it's not okay. It's not an end of Turner. It's not a birthday. That's your wagon wheel. Absolutely. Right. Okay. Yeah. But on Friday, blue reband. Absolutely fine. No problem. I think because it's got such a kind of, it's got a pompous name and it's got the ritual of unwrapping it, it feels like what you're getting, it's almost less. It feels like it might be a sort of free biscuit somewhere. Do you mean it's got nothing, it just doesn't, it doesn't feel like you should be exchanging any money for it at all. There's so little to it. It's got no flavour, very

little texture. It's just a texture actually. It's just a crunch. And that's why when the revolution comes, you will be first against the wall, my friend. Do you remember there was a period, I don't know if it's still going, I feel like there was a phase where supermarkets were selling big, slightly soft cookies in a bag. Yeah, yeah. That you sense they'd sort of made on site, there was something about that, there was these were vaguely sort of fresh cookies or something. It's still a thing I think, yeah.

They were big and soft, the chocolate bled everywhere. Yeah. And they were in a bag that was so greasy you could basically see through it. Yeah. Yeah. Are they still going? I think see through it. Yeah. Yeah. Are they still going? I think so.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I associate them quite strongly with the late nineties. Same. Which is when, do you remember the success of a business called Ben's Cookies? Well, vaguely, yeah. They have incredibly small, they've got a kind of rental, square footage strategy for their business whereby they try and sell as many

cookies from the smallest possible units. From a kind of meter square unit. Yeah. They've always got like a meter square unit with a very, very hot person inside and a huge queue of tourists. Yeah. So they've got a tiny one at Covent Garden. Yes.

They've got a tiny one on Oxford Street. So they do still exist, but they're in tiny little units. Well, I saw one recently. I was in, um, Lille, which for the second time in my life, I went to Lille. It continues to be a strange place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was a second chance. Good for you. Anyway, I was walking around Lille and I was looking for, cause it was my last day on holiday. I was about to get the train to London and I thought I want to get some classic French pastry. Like I'm going to just eat pastry until I can't walk before I get, before I arrive back in Britain.

Right. So I was looking for a boulangerie, a patisserie, whatever. And the biggest queue outside any shop in the whole of Lille was a Ben's cookies. I didn't know how they do it. But it's like what you're surrounded by these lovely bakeries making lovely stuff. By the way, it's possible that they've just got, they've got a small square footage policy and also they could be, because they hardly employ any staff because there's not enough room for staff in their tiny little units they have.

It could be that they're doing, they're using Q-stuges psychology. So the Q-stuges, Q-stuges. Q-ges. Q-s-c-u Q Stooges Q Stooges. Q G's. They're all under the employ. Q G's of the elusive bend. They're all on the payroll.

It's a good theory. Because obviously that does that when you see a queue, you get in the queue, don't you? I mean, that's simple. That's basic. People get in queues. I've got a food store market near me. And so every lunch opens up with different food stalls near the ones that they have a giant walk. The only place really in life that you see a giant walk another sort of mega paella as well. There'll be various mega pile is in giant and yeah, giant stir fries and stuff. Yeah. And there's, there's a, there's

one that does for laugh. There's a couple that do for laugh falls. So I walked, I went down there once for lunch, and there was a, there was a flat for, there was two flappers, one flapper base had a huge queue. God, that looks good. Something about that for now for place really appeals to me is because I had a huge queue, walked along a bit further. And there was a flapper place which just had no one at it. And I was like, this falafel place disgusts me.

But also the second one, there was a big mega walk being stood by a dog, wasn't there? There was. And it was the fact that the dogs were front of house. That was what was bothering me about the business. I don't mind dogs are doing stuff in the back. They're very faithful animals. Man's best friend. They're trainable. You don't want to see it. They're cute.

They're lovely, but not front of house, not customer facing. Please. Very poor hand washing though, haven't they? Well, they haven't got hands. The only other ones I don't like to see working in kitchens is mice because they have zero cloacaal continents, which I think rules them out of being in any sort of catering situation, please for me. I've got strawberries growing outside my house, which I planted. Well done. And they're being eaten by mice. And they wait until they're

perfectly ripe. This is getting more and more cute by the second. And then eat it. These little mice, they're going out and testing it. Henry, they're not testing it. They're ruining my garden. Every day I go, oh, I wonder if any of the strawberries have ripened and then, oh yes, one has and then it's got these horrible little rodent bites. It's not sweet, Henry. That is quite sweet, a little mouse eating a strawberry. It seems so wholesome. I'm sorry to hear that. What if you imagine it's a rat? Because it might be a rat. Then it's horrific. Or a beaver. Then it's utterly horrific. Beaver

is alright. Or a neighbour. Or it could be a neighbour. Neighbour I don't mind. My partner thought it was a local child. On their knees gnawing away at your strawberries. It's a horror show. Then are you going to do one of these things that happens to men at a certain point in life? I don't think you're at that point, but which is you decide to make this a crusade, which will dominate the next 10 years of your life versus the mice. Leading to an appearance on BBC breakfast. In a reckless search for meaning and purpose. Yeah, you'll be interviewed on BBC breakfast about the razor wire, the mini CCTV cameras

that you've got. Well, I just had a sort of dwindling sense of relevance really. I did wonders for my libido. And eventually there's a restorative justice thing, isn't there, where you're introduced to the mice to actually have a sit down and have a conversation with them. Yeah, very moving documentary. And I then hit them with a mallet. You hit them with a mallet. And the producers like Ben, we set

this up, it costs quite a lot of money. We can't, we now have to put this out post watershed because it's so disturbing. So you basically completely severed your relationship with BBC Breakfast, Ben. You will never be working with them again. And they did see it as working with actually, not for, they saw it as you together. As we were saying. So anyway, no, no, no, I haven't finished quickly yet. This is Flaffelstahl.

Never mind a story about someone who's been on a hot air balloon for the first time in their life, let's hear about Flaffelstahl. You know, Well judged. Just wait till you hear how it ends, Mike. Remember this moment in the conversation, then wait till when you hear how it ends, then we'll reassess it, okay? Just you wait. Anyway, one thing led to another. I had this what happens to anyone most a lot of people in a food court situation or one of these things which is you can't choose and you get in a real muddle about what to do. Yeah. Quite tense isn't it? I mean, balloons

are fairly safe now. There's not that much tension in the balloon story. And it's not universally relatable. Everyone has been told by a survivor. I mean, exactly. Where's the where's the jeopardy? And so I couldn't decide where to eat. I went back to the first falafel stall. It was packing up. It was too late. So I went back to the falafel stall that had no queue. I saw I saw I'm in the mood for falafel now. I think the guys were saying it's also another place where they call out to go come on, come on, try to wave it. I went alright, fine.

I went to the went to the non Q falafel store. He gave me he made me my everything I was looking at in the cellar. I was judging because there hadn't been a queue. I was going that cabbage doesn't look there's something wrong about that cabbage. The way he sliced it. It's not it's not the right density. It's not the right thickness. Then he did a thing which is really unappising, which you went to some more falafels. I'll just chuck them in. Don't do that.

You're devaluing the concept. All right. Yes. It's a very delicate psychological game. This and you're really, really messing up. Do you mean you've got this? No subtlety here. The, these are for the bin sale.

Exactly. It's your face or the bin, sir. You choose. Oh, I'm hanging them over the bin. Oh, it's going to be too late. Do you consider your own body to be a bin? In which case you can have these falafels, but I'll also have to throw some of these polystyrene containers in there as well. But it's up to you. You will get free falafels.

And this grimy old yogurt pot, do I put it in recycling or in your mouth, sir? I always get mixed up. It's got yogurt on it. Anyway, and I thought I ate the meal resentfully. I thought, these aren't, this isn't a really, this isn't a really cool London falafel. The other stall had a queue. You know what I mean? This isn't like, a few weeks later, I went back to the same food place. The initial falafel stall that had had the queue had no one at it. And the one I ended up going to had a huge queue. What are you gonna do? There's no way. I don't know what to think now. What the hell? What is Q dynamic? All of it was Q psychology, Q dynamic. And actually over the course of a day, certain places will develop a queue, because other people are in it. And then they all get bigger because people are seeing it. And then, you know, half an hour later, that might change round again. It's a fascinating area.

Absolutely fascinating. I know this might seem awful. Can we boot the balloon story to next week? And you're right, that story about you getting a falafel was vital. But listen, okay. But okay. Here's the editorial decision in the script meeting ahead of the recording. We decided that actually, yeah, this is, this is top draw. This is number one.

If you're feeling a bit, um, disappointed by Pam sounds like she is. Um, the thing I would, I would encourage you to do is imagine the look on my face when I saw that that initial falafel didn't happen. And that's it. You've got to imagine my face at that point. Yeah, it's in, I'm imagining the face I'm imagining is sort of pretty much expressionless and inscrutable at the moment. You're walking on your own in the street, I'm assuming.

Yeah, well. Or did you go big? Did you? Imagine the look inside my face. Okay. Oh, yeah, there you go. And then I walk a little bit further and I see that the one I, that one that I did went to initially does have a huge

kick. I mean, suddenly, my face is we're going over the same thing again. Are we? This time you're imagining the look on the inside of my face. Right. Okay. I feel like an absolute merry fool. I am old but I am happy. I was once like you are now. I didn't understand fluff or cute dynamics before I died.

I have a story to tell you my friend, my child. About the time I went to a food market and there were two falafels. Believe me, but only one of them, only one of them had a queue. I was such a very fool. I thought that that one must be the better one, but the falafels, the falafels were ultimately

quite similar. Also in the end, aren't falafels just a little bit too dry in general? Why is nobody saying this? Why do people seem to like it so much? Maybe you wouldn't have to offer hummus with it if the falafel to start with wasn't a dry snack What the hell is going on now? He's putting on tahini And where do those purple pickles squared off pickle things actually come from? What are they? Turnips.

Are they turnips? They're turnips. Okay. Are they? Yeah. Goodness gracious me. Lovely turnips. I'm a big Falafel fan actually.

Right, come on, let's move on. Okay, let's turn on the beam machine. Yes please. This week's topic, as sent in by Benjamin from Cardiff, is my hot air balloon ride. Okay, literally what are the chances that that is? Who is this Benjamin? Tell us more about him. I don't know. What's come up? Well, that's incredible. Well done for gaming the system there, Ben. You're good. When you are the beat machine.

Yeah, it does come with certain privileges. Yeah, it's mainly downsides. Great move by the way. Great move. I'm delighted about this. Yeah, that's a real checkmate here. It's a bit like, isn't it though, it's a bit like a kind of constitutional move. Like the king could overrule parliament, but never does. It's being a brilliant political operator, Ben, which is what you've always been within the bean which is that.

It's not being legislated against, hasn't it? It's not in, when the bean constitution was written, no one assumed anything like this would ever happen. Well, nobody knew that that falafel, the sheer gravity of that falafel story. And Ben, you've, I can see now you've prorogued Mike, haven't you? That's why he's wearing that shirt. You've prorogued him, didn't you? Yes. Because you knew this could happen.

Black Rod is on his way, Mike. Black Rod is on his way. So the only thing I can do now, the only options I've got is... A coup. ...is a coup. So for that, I'd need the support the only options I've got is a coup. Is a coup. So for that I'd need the support of at least two of the other beans. You could involve the Lib Dems.

Well, I've already reached out to the Lib Dems on WhatsApp while we're having this conversation. They're interested. They're always game. Ed Davey is asking what the optics will be if he comes around right now with a canoe and pretends he's crashed into my kitchen. You could fully succeed of course from from declare yourself independent, an independent bean. That's right.

So I'd have to I'd have to start the mono bean. Henry's Henry's mono bean club, which I've got prepared as ready to launch. I've got the I've got prepared as ready to launch. I've got the, I've got the logo. Well, or of course you could try and institute some kind of owl fuckers takeover. The Troubles owl fuckers has now become so big. I know I generally don't mention it on the podcast, because I know it's, it's, it's not very cool for me to do that, but it's, it's almost like a state in itself, isn't it? It's so big now guys, I'm sorry.

I think the listeners can tell that normally when you're recording this podcast, you are backstage at the O2 or maybe when we're staging. That's why you'll occasionally hear me shouting something like, more crisps Eamonn, more crisps! No, so it's so big now that what's happened is I I now essentially, obviously, I co owned it with Gabby Roslin and Eamon Holmes. But what's happened now is we've been bought out Pauline quirk. Well, it's a, it's a, it's a cabal of three most powerful

people in Britain, Pauline quack, Gary Lineker and Dave Lineker. He's Gary Lineker's best friend. He's got a best friend called Dave Lineker. He's an incredible coincidence. Basically, I've sold my shares. I now work for Al Fakas rather than should I mean? Al Fakas PLC. Exactly. So you could be fired at any time.

So I can be fired at any time. I've got no real power there anymore, weirdly. But that's why you've been trying out these more expansive anecdotes. For example, the falafel anecdote on this podcast, because you're going to need to start earning your money over here. I'm going to need to start earning my keep. And I mean, there's an argument that I've still managed to say, I can try a bit that we haven't started talking about your balloon yet. I mean, the problem is this is, this is putting too much weight on what really isn't much of an anecdote to be honest, but, but the bar will think about where

the bar has been set. That's true. That's true. Tell us about, tell us, tell it, we'll mainly edit it with the falafel stuff. I could do some post falafel thoughts, give me a falafel Q&A, but have your moment. Yeah. Go on. Tell us about it. So you will remember we did a live show in Bristol. I think I said this already. The topic we talked about was hot air balloons. Everyone in the audience seemed to know everything

about hot air balloons because it seems that Bristol is balloon crazy. Turns out the man who put hot air balloons in the bean machine that fateful eve was a man called Paul and Paul got in contact and said, if any of us want to go out on a hot air balloon, he would happily take us. Yeah. And was decided that you were most likely to survive a fall from a great height. When he made that offer, I saw it as a bit of audience banter. I didn't, I didn't make much of it, but it was, it was a very real offer. Wasn't it Ben, which you very much took him up on.

I think I might've turned it into a real offer. Okay. By then harassing him with emails. Well, no, I didn't think about it. And then he sent a message to us about two weeks ago saying, I've looked at the weather forecast. There's the perfect evening coming up because it's all about the wind has to be basically exactly perfect. Yes. And of course there's nothing more dependable than weather forecasts, is there? Safe as houses. For a bit of emotional backdrop to this, as soon as Ben mentioned that this was

actually happening, I was completely convinced that Ben was going to perish. So basically I thought, oh yeah, that'll be fun. Yeah, go for it. I mentioned it to both of you too. And then both of you mentioned my death within like five seconds. I was shit scared when they got that. That was, I thought this is it. Death's come calling the dark crab that pince us all eventually has come. He's arrived a bit sooner than I hoped. Didn't realise Ben was going to shake hands with it so readily, but yeah. But actually looking back, yep, sort of fits in a way with Ben.

Yep. In fact, should have seen it coming. Yeah. And the marketing, our marketing team thought that the hard ever noon death would actually well on balance do us all a good. So it was green lit. Wasn't it from on high by corporate. It makes room in the beans for you to bring on someone with a bit more celebrity cachet. I assume you'd be lining people up thinking I was going to die.

We've got a good, Dave Grohl is interested. Dave Grohl's interested. David Soushey as well as one I want. Very different vibes of Dave. We're working through the days. But Letterman as well, isn't it? We've talked about Letterman. Yeah.

But the trouble with Letterman is he insists that we have a New York skyline and a potted plant behind us, don't we? And the Bean Machine soundtrack, the theme tune has to change to... And there has to be a full live band at all times. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We don't have any jazz sick offense. And the show has to then be one of those really terrible American chat shows.

Oh, Henry, you've waited in there. You're burning bridges. So, let's get back to, come on. Let's get back to it. So, Billy, how far have we, we're still only in the pre, in the sort of pre, pre story bit. Yeah. Yeah.

So I was, I was a bit worried actually myself, especially once you'd both mentioned my death. I hadn't really considered my own death at all in my 38 years until you mentioned it. Right. And the fact that it could potentially be quite a low impact event. What, for the culture? Yeah. Quite a high impact event for my body. Literally high impact, but figuratively low impact.

Yeah. Yeah, would I get on the Chortle front page? Probably not. Well, I think you would... It depends who would announce to tool that day, doesn't it? I think you'd be unfortunately pushed onto the off the front page by the new bean announced. It's Sue Barker. It's David Seaman. It's David Seaman and Sue Barker.

It's double, so it's, um, one of them talks and the other one does the hand gestures and then we swap it around halfway through. It's a kind of improv game. They've never met each other. So we think it's going to be brilliant. The two, the two ways of dying. I was thinking about, there were two angles, weren't there? One is it's all the way up or all the way down, isn't it?

Basically. Well, no, it was more's all the way up or all the way down, isn't it? Basically. Well, no, it's more like... Or all the way forwards into a cliff. There's laser waves. You know, this man... You could be shot by the balloon. Well, that's what I'm talking about. This guy is a stranger, right?

And before he says anything else, he turned out to be a lovely, lovely man. Very nice. Lovely to meet you, Paul. It was great. Had a great time. But, you know, he was a lovely, lovely man, very nice. Lovely to meet you, Paul. It was great. Had a great time. But, you know, he was a stranger, essentially. He may have taken me up and murdered me. Or murdered me before we even got on the balloon.

He may have taken you up and wooed you. And then murdered me. And then murdered you. And then eaten you. In a flurry of bab. So there was that element of it. But then there was also the death by him being quite bad at piloting a balloon. Yes, that was the one I was worried about.

Yeah. Being, being a thousand feet in the air, standing on some wicker. And also very close to an extremely hot fire. Yeah. Cause I, I, that's why I thought that was a bigger risk than murder. Cause alibi wise, it's quite difficult, which is that he's publicly offered to give you a balloon ride. He's taken you up on a balloon with witnesses.

This feels quite Jonathan Creek. You've apparently fallen to your death, but there is also a crossbow bolt through your thorax. Brilliant Jonathan Creek episode. It's a perfect locked basket mystery. He must have landed on a bullet on his way down. He might have claimed that I fell out of the basket and then he tried to shoot me with a crossbow to slow me down. I'm picturing there's someone on the bottom shooting up with a crossbow trying to slow you down and

someone else in the balloon shooting down trying to speed you up and you end up just in in stasis floating in the air but just getting pummeled with with stroo-bolts. You get mid-air kebabs. So Ben, when you turned up at this event, so, so did you at any point get what I would have got, which is a cold sweat over my body and a feeling of I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do this? Yeah. Yeah. Did you?

Well, I, first of all, I messaged him saying, Oh, I do want to come, but I'm a little bit worried. Yes. This is his message. Yeah. Ha ha. Respectful enough for me. I promise you'll be fine. Yeah. What does that mean? I promise. I mean, promises, promises, promises. Gone.

Comma. If it reassures you one, I've flown my kids since they were little. And I miss them every day. And I miss them every day. Two. I wouldn't risk hurting the person behind my two favourite podcasts. I like that. I responded to that. Oh, he's gone for you.

He's gone for your little Bungie ego. Yeah. Three. I've flown hundreds of times and no fatalities or injuries yet. Well, there was that one time, but I was cleared of all blaming court. Winky emoji. He's winning me over. It's quite, it's quite fun stuff.

Isn't it? You know what? All of this stuff is great, but essentially it doesn't really make up for like certificates, proof training, you know, insurance documents. Do you mean that's what I want? I don't want a bit of banter and a bit of WhatsApp and a bit of it. And it's all fine. When I got there, he revealed that he had I don't want a bit of banter and a bit of WhatsApp and a bit of all that. It's all fine.

When I got there, he revealed that he had a license to fly. There was no mention of insurance. What good is insurance when you're dead? Great argument. Did you sign any waivers? No, I did wonder whether he'd make me sign a waiver. It's weird isn't it? On the one hand a waiver probably means it's a more serious organisation, but at the same time it's not a nice moment signing the waiver is it? No, especially when they hand you the pen and hang on this isn't ink, this is blood. This pen is still attached to the severed hand of the previous person to sign this waiver.

And when you hold a severed hand it's pretty hard to actually sign this waiver. It's pretty hard to actually sign a name for it. You're going to have a death grip. Yeah, we had the same problem then. To do your best, honestly. The next guy has to sign and it's a death grip hand with a pen with a death grip hand around the wrist of the first dead hand. It's very difficult to operate the pen. What we say is after 50 death grip hands, we just chuck the whole lot away and start

again. Just buy a new pen. Just buy a new pen? At that point you've got a Deathgrip circle, which we actually glaze and we sell people in the shop. You can use them as a Deathgrip window. Decorative wreath. Hula hooping. window. Decorative wreath. Anyway, so what happens next is I get that it's all fine.

Whatever. I meet his friends are all very nice. His wife who's lovely. And I started feeling much better about it. They seemed they seemed like something new about the guy who was in charge of the Titanic. Yeah, nice guy. Nice guy, lovely wife. Lovely bunch of friends. Really nice person to meet in a great social support network. I'm not shy of a wink emoji. Absolutely. So then they start filling up the balloon with cold air to begin with to kind of fill it up. How do they fill it up? From what? With a fan. Okay. At which point I'm a horse turned up. I sent you a photo of the horse. You did. Yeah. Because I thought it might be the Grim Reaper would come. It was the final horse. You're thinking

maybe they've got me high as well. Or it's the final horse? You always thought it was going to be a crab on a blue rope, but it was a horse on a blue rope. Yeah, you always see a final horse don't you, in the moment. It was just a bloke with a horse. He would come to have a look, which is fair enough. By the way, that's never happened to me at Heathrow or any of the more regulated aviation sites? I've never been looking out the window of an aeroplane. What's that? It's a horse. Why is this guy with a horse? Don't worry, they've just come to have a look. Oh, fine.

I was right, it was the backup pilot. It was just grazing on the runway. Well, it was a bit weird because the guy was basically taking his horse for a walk. But I didn't think you needed to do that. See at this point I start to have worries about the crowd. Do you know the crowd I'm in, the crew. They're like, you know what I mean? No, not like the, the milieu.

It's like, um, if one of them would say, for example, was, was brought out a bong at that point, you wouldn't have liked it. So for me, the horse isn't as bad as someone bringing out a bong, but it's, it's on a spectrum. Yeah. Right. Or if someone's playing chess with a U, something like that in the corner of the field.

Yeah, exactly. It just makes me. But, and then the balloon people were saying to the horse man, the thing is when balloons, when you're using the burner on the balloon, horses in general tend to freak the fuck out. Okay. And we can't really have a kind of mad horse on the ground whilst we're doing this. We now know, but Mike, that's why we didn't see the Heathrow.

We now know. Fine. That's why they're screened. The screened at security. A bit more Heathrow, This, this, this section where they were sort of saying, you can't really have the horse here because it'll go bananas. Yeah. But the guy was just going like, ah, he's fine. And it's like, I've got Ben, honestly, Mike, I've got a cold sweat almost on your bath. I'm, if this is me in your situation, I'm got a cold, Ben, honestly, Mike, I've got a cold sweat almost on your bath. I'm, if this is me in your situation, I'm so getting the cold sweats here.

And what was he basing that on with the horse? What had the horse been through that was... Well, he had, he had put the horse on a plane once from New Zealand to Britain. That's not true. It is true. What, just using his daughter's passport? How's it ended? Did he say it was an emotional support horse?

Listen, if you can get it into a regular size suitcase and it's less than 20 kilograms, you can get it off. That's why they've got those metal horse shaped shapes at the airport. You have to put your bag in to prove that it isn't a horse or that it is a horse. You've got to get the metal shoes off first, otherwise it makes it beep when it goes through. No, he was just saying that he had his horse and he moved from New Zealand to Britain and he wanted to bring his horse to them and he said it cost him 13,000 pounds. Blimey.

Yeah. Wow. If I'm in your situation, I'd have stored that in, I don't know what to make of it, but I need to have my wits about me to just stop thinking about New Zealand and the horse, stop thinking about New Zealand and the horse, but then I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. I'm dwelling on how they catered to the horse during the course of the flight, how they entertained the horse. Was it sedated? Does it have a special life jacket?

Should I be sedated? Did it watch a movie? Was it allowed to visit the cockpit? I suppose if you could get the meal, chop it up and put it in the sick bag, the horse could actually have eaten out of the sick bag as a nose bag. This isn't helping me. Okay, go on. The other thing about the horse was, I don't really go near horses very much. No, we don't. No, I'm a city boy really. The horse really smelled terrible. Is that what horses smell like? If they've got the fear sweats, sure. If they're on the cusp of panic. If they're about to watch the 10th person died in an aviation accident this year. What kind of smell was it? What kind of bad smell was it?

Are you aware of piss? I don't think your horse is supposed to smell of piss. Mystery. Maybe it's that thing we talked about last time about how every beautiful thing has to have an equal and opposite. So there's, yeah, for every beautiful Lloydsbank advert horse, there's a smelly old pissy horse. Yeah. That has to be taken out not for a walk as it turns out, but for an airing. Yes.

Anyway, eventually he was persuaded to take the horse away. Okay. Which is good. And then two blokes turned up after that and one of them was oddly quadrupedal and seemed to have a very, very long face. That ill-fitting coat. And really smelled of horse piss. It turns out that basically to take off our air balloon, there basically needs to be no wind.

Oh really? Yeah, because basically... It's the opposite of a ship. Uh, opposite of a sail ship. Basically it needs to stand up and be relatively still for you to get in it. Because if there's a bit of wind, it starts moving around and, and so I can't remember how much wind there was, but it was like five knots or something, gusting to 11 and that was kind of, it seemed like that was kind of probably on the higher end of what's okay.

Okay. Can I say if it would be me, it would have been 10 knots. I'm not getting in, I'm not getting in, I'm not getting in 10 times. Is that any good? Lovely. Ben, I'm genuinely getting scared on your behalf now. Does the idea of that basket swaying around in the wind is really, really, I would have been really- How did you feel when he said the word gusting, Henry? I didn't like it. Because he appeared to wince.

I really didn't like it. Ben, were you genuinely, were you actually quite scared? In the same way that, it's not to say that you weren't trusting the guy, but in the same way that doing a parachute jump or a bungee presumably, you just get really scared? A little bit. So basically I was scared before I got there. When I met him, he seemed very competent. And that sort of put me at rest a bit. His job outside of being a balloonist is he's like a health and safety guy. Great to know it's not his main job. Brilliant. So how'd you get in the basket? They just go, get in, get in now, get in now.

You just do get in. You just clamber in and it get in now, get in now. And he's like, you just do get in. You just clumber in. And it was kind of listing a little bit. Do you climb over the edge? Is that, is that not hard? Is it not like a little staircase or a lantern or something? It's not very graceful. You sort of tumble in.

Yeah. Also he's not, he's not a Parisian countess. Pre-revolution. But also I think like, if you, if you get a commercial flight, I think the balloons are slightly bigger and it's probably like a slightly different experience. This was a bit more hands on. So there's a bit of like, go away, I need to grab that thing. Okay. You know, all this kind of stuff. Yeah. But inside, is it lined? Is it like a fur trim lining on it?

What do you mean? Like a diner booth? No, no, it's just wicker basically. So it's wicker on the outside, wicker on the inside? Yeah. Wicker through and through. Okay. Yeah. I think there's some metal inside the wicker, but it's's just wicker basically. So it says wicker on the outside, wicker on the inside? Yeah. Wicker through and through. Okay. I think there's some metal inside the wicker, but it's very much wicker. Just standing on wicker is not an experience I've ever done, for example.

The idea that wicker will hold me, because normally it holds mini pies. Perhaps some soiled trousers and yesterday's t-shirt. Yeah, but exactly. But for it to hold a human weight, does it kind of make a little scrunchy sound? It does. There's a bit of sign of giving it, which I didn't really like. Yeah. Yeah. So are you tethered? Sorry. Are you tethered and then someone does a detethering from the earth? No, there's no tethers. There's no tethers. Nothing's tethered to anything. Okay. Well,

the basket is tethered to the balloon. Yeah. So you get in just the two of you. Three of us. So there's me, the chap and his wife. Okay. She was kind of like, almost a navigator. Okay. She had a little iPad that showed us where we were in the world. Basically, once you're in the air, all you're doing then is trying to work out where you can land.

Because there's not that many places you can land, right? That's a bit like when you go to the theatre, all you're thinking about is when can we get out? Like you're on it, you've made a lot of effort to be here and that's just like, when do we get off please? Are there Maltesers? She's also looking out for fields with animals in. Okay.

So you don't spook them? That's right. So you try and not use the burner where there are animals around. Little fact I got, the worst animals in terms of spooking animals is pigs and sheep. Pigs, because they can't look up physically, have no idea what's going on and sort of freak out because they just hear noise, but they can't see. Can they not look up? Oh yeah, I remember that. I used to know that fact. Sheep are particularly bad, they said, because they will just start running and if one sheep

runs the rest run and they just run without too much thought and will sometimes like run into a quarry. A bit like Londoners at a falafel stall. Isn't it? They'll just follow the herd. Yeah. Finally all comes full circle. Great. End of the episode. Thank you. They'll run into a quarry. Yeah. Or a road. And they won't take up the tools and start trying to re-quarry it, will they? Not without a license, no. Try getting one of those if you're a sheep. So Ben, what you're saying is, which animals are scared of balloons? And you said sheep and...

Pigs. Pigs. What you're saying is two out of the three animals. Sorry? Two out of of the three animals. Sorry, two out of three UK farm animals. What else is there? Chickens. Okay, fine chickens as well. Two out of four half of UK farm animals are afraid of balloons. What you're saying? I think they're all slightly afraid of blue pigs, sheep,

because what else is there? There's a chickens and cows, right? That's it. We might have a llama and farm salmon. And have, and it's very hard to do a Vox pop of farm salmon, isn't it? So it's very hard to know how they feel about balloons. Anyway, yeah, great, great experience. Ben, I want to know more about once you get up, you've basically skirted over the journey, but was it just like pop your AirPods in, watch the Lego movie? What was it? So once you're up there, how high did you get?

Oh, good question. I think you can use horse power. Double decker buses. Was there any length? How do they measure things? Is it knots? Knots is speed. Height is feet? Yards?

Feet. I think we got to about, it wasn't that high, about 1500 feet. Decent. And he said that his balloon can get to 10,000 feet. So to help me out from a London perspective, how many Pret a Manger hoisin duck wraps would that be on top of each other? What is that in terms of how high is that in a building? What? 1500 feet? Well, that sounds quite high to me. I think that's about two and a half thousand hoisin duck wraps.

In one day? I don't have to eat all of them. Oh God, I was panicking. So the shard is about a thousand feet. So maybe a shard and a half maybe. So when you were up high, what was the feeling? Were you scared? Were you just enjoying it at that point? Was there any adrenaline left? No, once you got going, you just feel very relaxed. There's no wind you'd feel cause you're moving with the wind. So there's no buffeting. It's all very smooth. And then basically when we were up there, they hadn't mentioned this until we were up there really. He said, when we land, there's about a 50% chance that the basket tips over and we all sort of fall on each other. And just go with it. If you want to just, just, just whatever feels right in that moment. Slippery in the slide and champagnes all over the place.

Fresh cut strawberries. The guy with the piss smelling horse's back. Just go with it. You only live once, Ben. You only live once. Come on. They were just making me prepared for the fact that if the landing isn't smooth, we all end up in a pile. And they sort of told me how to hold on, which way to face, so that my arms and legs don't break and all that kind of stuff. This is the hot air balloon of race, race, race.

Exactly. But as it happened, he landed. I mean, he was an amazing pilot. His control of it was incredible. And we landed just like a perfect, just imagine just imagine just a, just complete, just kissing the ground stop. Like no, it was amazing. Wow.

I was really impressed. That does sound very good. It was a very good experience. I wish I'd gone on it now, but at the same time, I don't want to go on in the future because I think the next, the next bean, it must be that the next bean in a balloon is the, is the, is the. Yeah. He did offer.

He's the doomed one. He said to extend the offer to you too. Maybe. Mike, would you do it? I don't know. I love the idea of it. Yeah. I'm a bit more sold. Yeah. But now that Ben has mentioned it, I couldn't go that day. I do find it appealing. I can't guarantee the horse will be there the second time.

So in conclusion, I had a great time. Thank you, Paul. I had a great time. A great, Paul. Had a great time. A great time and a great topic. Really good topic. Thanks, Ben, from where was it? Cardiff. Okay, time to read your emails. Before I play the email jingle, I've had an email from Helen, Elliot and Bronte. So this email is from Helen she says my four and eight year old daughters now sing all the songs including the swears I thank you but this was too cute not to send I hope you like it and forever the email jingle will be a robot chewing a hort. Listen to this. Like a robot chewing a hort.

Very cute. Very lovely. Thank you for that. Very, very lovely. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email This represents progress My beautiful horse Okay, let's read your emails if you'd like to to email us, send them to 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. Ash in Australia, Hi beans, I couldn't help but write to you after your most recent episode

brackets feudalism as I work at a chef in a gourmet Japanese restaurant here in Australia. I was listening as I was preparing not only a bucket of eels, but also sea urchins. Ooh. Oh. blimey. Well, I'm not rushing to that restaurant, I've got to say. Is that one of those dishes where you're playing a game, you're rolling the dice with death himself? Oh, could be, yeah. It's a high status move. It's kind of like a... Like 80s businessman reel.

Yeah. Or sort of Bond villain. Well, he writes, as Henry mentioned, the classic Newtonian principle of all things having their equal and opposite parts, we serve uni, which is basically the inside of a sea urchin. And if I may say, it is delicious. And I even got to plate some up whilst listening to the pod. I asked my boss if we could offer a Pompidou discount and he told me to get fucked. That's how you run a tight restaurant though, in the kitchen. You don't have time for that kind of shit. I've got 50 covers here.

And you're asking me about Pompawhat? Get fucked. Joe writes, this is a bollocking for me. Had a few of these, not quite ubiquitous level, but a few accessing listener bollocking. The neighbours' viewers have been in touch. Um, because I mentioned Cody, is it? Cody and Cody. I mentioned the character Cody Willis last week.

At a duck protest. Hang on, I've got to sort about this. Okay. What's this? Is this a preemptive bollock? You're turning muscly on someone else's bollock. Was she shot but not during a duck hunt? Correct!

Thank you. I think she was shot in Ramsey Street itself during a classic police raid. Correct. Peeking out of the window. She was caught in the crossfire of a police shootout with local drug dealers. It was Kerry Bishop who was shot by a duck hunter. Best wishes, Joe. That has been haunting me since the last recording. I can't best wishes Joe.

That has been haunting me since the last last recording. So there was like a drugs cop. Did it all go a bit sort of top boy at a point? Neighbours. I don't remember that. I did watch that episode. And I remember being, having discovered on the floor by the sofa because a stray bullet had come through the window and killed her dead. I don't remember why there was a drugs

slash police shootout in the cul-de-sac in the first place. I have a feeling that might have been brushed over a little bit. Wasn't it Harold Bishop was bringing in a thousand kilograms of cocaine? That's right. And he got himself an AK. And then, and there was that really disturbing scene where he gets so addicted to it, he actually snorts it through a didgeridoo. That's how much he's putting away.

Which was very much for the British audiences. Yeah. And did receive some criticism. Oh, Harold's gurning again. By the way, then, then now follows a make your own three bean salad funny bit, where we just supply the main parts and the audience, because everyone's got editing software now, everyone's got iPhones, everyone's got, everyone can do this at home. So we just give you the constituent parts of what we would normally do in this situation.

So it's things like, oh, no, mate, what the heck? Prawns, prawns, prawns. Get out of it. Any other things fed in? Harold's alive. Not bad. Take that you pig motherfuckers. Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo

Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo Madge, Madge I need more ammo. Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo Maj! Maj! I need more ammo! Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo Tony, where are the grenades? Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo the set of neighbours as my green room when I'm filming separate films. Yeah. Like fucking deal with it. You don't like me being here? Deal with it. Yeah. I'm Russell fricking Crow. You also need to switch out some swears to be pre watershed. For example, they had the phrase, well the phrase obviously back off was felt to be too strong. So they changed it to rack off.

Rack off. Rack be too strong. So they changed it to rack off. Rack off, Charlene. Yeah. So you could also have, uh, rock off if you want to go stronger. Wriss off. You ranker. You, you mother wrecker. Yeah, I've been wrecking your wife. I've also been wrecking your sister. Yeah. Rack this. You're wrecked enough now.

For those who might be abroad who don't know what we're talking about, Neighbours is a soap opera set in Australia. I always remember in Neighbours, I always used to laugh because when they fancied someone, they'd be like, he's a tout or spank. Yeah. Yeah. Fully beans. I was listening, as I often do, with lukewarm delight to the game show's episode, when Henry

mentioned in passing that he did jury duty. No one questioned this. For the last 24 hours all I can think about is the judge looking over to the jury each day, wondering why one of the jurors was an hour late, yet arriving with a cracked coffee and pastries, doodling random pictures and asking the person next to them again and again what was going on. Imagine if you, Ben or Mike, was falsely accused of murder. The lawyer sitting next to you says you have a strong case, but as long as we can get the

jury to pay attention long enough you should be home free. Then you look over to the jury and see Henry. Can I say I literally didn't concentrate during that, what that line was. I didn't, I didn't, genuinely, I don't know what that meant. I was thinking about something else. I know you can't talk about the particulars of the case, but what was being on a jury like Henry from Ben, from King's cross? Well, it was pretty intense. One thing I will say about the cases about the jury experience is that I ended up pleading guilty. I had to because what the chances but I had actually done it. They had completely wrong. Another it was actually me that had done it which is very rare that happens.

So I did a full confession but basically the only thing I can tell you is guilty and not just and I can tell you if anyone here has a worry about the judicial system, and just it doesn't get done. I knew he was guilty before anyone even opened their mouth. So rest assured, rest easy. He just had that look about him. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad. If you want more three bean salad, why not go to patreon.com forward slash three bean salad where we put on our bonus episodes. Recently we put up an episode of Film Corner, our film review podcast about the film and the Paris. There was also a Henry anecdote special wasn't there?

There was called Henry Packer What I Did On My Holidays. Heads up about live gigs, that kind of stuff. Well you get the first option to get tickets for live gigs don't you? Patreon.com forward slash Three Bean Salad. There are various tiers to sign up at. If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike was last night. Uh oh. It was Bring Your Favourite Optician night, wasn't it? It was indeed, thank you Henry. And here's my report.

It's well known that this summer Marvel Studios will commit their newest creation to film. The Spectacle, as he is rumoured to be known, is a superhero with the power to dispense well-fitting contact lenses without the aid of a keratometer. What is not known publicly, but has been an open secret in the Sean Bean lounge, is that for the past five years, Daniel Day-Lewis hasn't been retired at all, but has been training for the role by working at Sean Bean's Folly Spec Savers on the Sean Bean Folly High Street of the Sean Bean Lounge. And unsurprisingly, he's bloody good at it. Perhaps with hindsight, declaring last night, Bring Your Favourite Optician Night wasn't going to be the safe low-key event Sean Bean had hoped for. Daniel Day-Lewis clocked off

from his Spec Savers shift to find a baying mob waiting for him outside, all demanding to have him as their plus one to the Bean Lounge shindig. Hayley Belenis was the first to physically lay hands on the treasured actor. This prompted a rush and soon Daniel Day-Lewis had disappeared under a pile of Rachel Clements, Jill Beaton, Max Colthurst and Dave Prosser. He was yanked free from under the pile by Hazel Rose, who strong-armed him back into the Specsavers and locked the door. This incensed the remaining rabble, who launched George Wardley at the plate glass shop window to break in. To their frustration, George reflexedly spread his limbs out like the toe pads of a tree frog, causing him to simply bounce off and he had to be thrown a

further 17 times before the glass finally weakened and smashed. Simon Moriarty, Charlotte Pritchard and Dan Katchpole looted the shop of its tinted prescription sunglasses while the rest of the horde swept in after the real prize of the night. Just when it looked as if things couldn't get any worse, Emily Bunting was seen gripping an ear between blood-stained teeth and Daniel Day-Lewis appeared to be missing an ear. A howl went up and some kind of hive-brain consensus seemed to have been inspired by this sight among the throng. Before Daniel Day-Lewis even had a chance to spend five years researching the life of a former Eastern Bloc intelligence officer for a hypothetical movie role, have a cyanide

tooth installed and bite into it, he was seized upon by a swarm of hands and torn to pieces. Phil Griffiths took his hair, Ben Golding took his dominant hand, Kelly Williams took his spleen and James Parker took his back, Barney Dufton the left kidney, Ross Gilby one gizzard and Duncan Rawlings the award-winning left foot. Dan Thistlethwaite took four toenails and Bradley Uthagesh took a dimple while Phil Askew and Edward Davies both made off with a handful of pubes. Charlie Roberts, Andrew C and Tom Knight Gamer teamed up as a mini mob and shared the lap. Father and son team William and Ben Jones claimed a buttock each and have already been signed up by the UK's premier showbiz agency to tour the nation's theatres with a two-man buttock escapology show to be directed by Trevor Nunn. Little Dennis Popcorn took a blemish, Dan Richards some miscellaneous offal, James Smith the liquid components of Daniel Day-Lewis, CS took an armpit and Scott Aitken a leg-bit.

Will Reimer came out of the melee with three knees and has referred himself to the Bean Lounge Standards Authority. Overall it was felt that the carnage had been extremely cathartic and what followed was a wonderfully pleasant and sedate evening with mocktails, nibbles and, at the suggestion of Mark, the Undertaker Burger, Season 9 of Vanderpump Rules. Thanks all. Okay, that's the show. We'll finish with a version of our theme tune, sent in by Maxwell from South New Brighton, Christchurch, New Zealand. Wow. Thank you, Maxwell. Maybe not far from Diamond Harbor itself. He says, I produce dance music, so I've written a thumping dubstep rendition of your theme in a minor key. You'll have to imagine this

being blasted out of a huge substack in a grimy nightclub. A place I'm sure the Beans visit on the regular. That's the Bean scene. That's the Bean scene. Alright, well we'll see you next time. Goodbye! Thank you very much. Thank you, bye. I'm gonna be be a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy

I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy Thanks for watching!