Three Bean Salad - Peter Pan

Episode Date: January 8, 2025

A bean sharp scalpel is applied to a literary classic this week as Robin from Weymouth suggests the topic of Peter Pan. Could we have had Darth Vader without Tinkerbell? Could we have had a robo-handed Luke Skywalker without Captain Hook? Where does Chewbacca fit into all this? Answers on a postcard please.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Good morning. Good morning. Happy New Year. Happy New Year's last week. Oh yeah, so we're of course because this is our first that we're recording in the new year. Happy New Year. For us it's a happy new year.

I've got that fiddly situation. How late is it when you have to stop saying happy new year. Happy New Year. For us it's Happy New Year. Fiddly situation. How late is it when you have to stop saying Happy New Year? I think the first thing I say is I want to see them for the first time in the new year. But what if I don't see them until March? Yeah. Oh, observational. These days a lot of people don't stop saying it until February, the next year. So it's Happy New Year's for 2020. I'm still getting some of that from people. That's how long we keep it going. And they've got the Christmas decorations out for 2034. Yeah, that's how long they've been

avoiding you. What? What? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good. They've got these triggers out already. some places as well. Playing all Easter hits. They're mainly Cliff Richard aren't they? Oh drives me round the bend. The Rabbit of Our Lord. All hail the golden rabbit of our lord. I was searching for a chocolate egg and I found you My chocolate egg, that's right. I'm singing to a literal chocolate egg

With whom I'm now engaged to be married my family doesn't like the fact that I'm gonna marry a chocolate egg And so they're gonna crucify you Nails through the egg nails through the egg on a caramel cross while the rabbits weep blood the rabbits weep blood. It's confusing to time isn't it Easter? It's a confusing time, it's good to get stuck into discussing it in mid-jan isn't it? You can get ahead of it. You can think about your shroving. Yeah. For example, early doors. You're striving.

You're asked about it. When are you going to shrive or shrove? You're striving or shroving. Yeah, you're retrieved. Yeah. The purging, the shaving. Yeah. Is anyone already starting to feel a little bit Christmassy, by the way? Can I say that? Actually, it's partly because it's quite a lot of Christmas decorations still around, most trees are still up. It's actually got me feeling a bit Christmassy. Oh, is that time of year when Christmas trees are being fly tipped left, right and centre?

They are, aren't they? I sometimes think, little economic little tip here, bag yourself a half dead one. Celebrate Christmas with your family a month late. Do you know what, that actually crossed my mind because we didn't put up our Christmas tree until Christmas Eve. Yeah, because you're chief Grinch. No, not really. Just because- You wait for them to knock down the prices and it's a Mexican standoff. Who's going to blink first? You wait, you wait, you wait. There's seconds from closing, Pl plants galore. And he goes.

Who are you going to sell this to? A time traveller? And a lot of the time you do it so late that you hang Easter eggs on the tree, because Easter eggs are already out. But you hang Easter eggs on the tree, they're basically an edible bauble. In a way it's better than a bauble. Yeah, go on. So our tree went up on Christmas Eve.

How did you get it to your home and where from? I got it to my home because it was already in my home because it lives in a box. I'm sorry I forgot. Sorry, I forgot. So it's just a de-mothballing, isn't it? A lot of people have the smell of Christmas tree leaves in the house. The pine. But with you it's...

It's bits of dust particles burning off plastic. Yeah. It's a, it's, it's dust particle on an led. Yeah. And maybe some dust mites that have died in there over the year. Or freshly died when you turn on the lights. Listen for those tiny screams. It's like a little mini apocalypse, isn't it?

I did actually, I tell a lie, I did actually buy, I bought a real tree in Asda on Christmas Eve because they were so heavily discounted and I got like a mini one. It just didn't make sense not to buy one. You didn't want to buy one, but it actually didn't make financial sense to not buy one. It's true. It was £1.50. That's almost cheaper than not having a tree. When you think about the admin costs of not having a tree, it's quite similar. It's within the margin of error, isn't it? So you might

as well gamble on it. But it had become so weak because it had been standing in Asda for over a month. When I put a bauble on it, the whole thing sort of just collapsed. It was a zero bauble tree. That's how they're measured by bauble strength. So, cause you know, so you know this drop and non-drop, the whole tree was drop. It was a drop, it was a drop tree. No, the, the, the, the, the needles didn't come off. It just kind of bent over.

Oh yeah, it wouldn't have had needles. It wouldn't have had needles by the time you bought it. It was the mighty trunk that bent. Yeah. As I put it. Okay. Yeah. I think you might have been sold a birch whip.

Oh, that's lovely stuff. Yeah. So decorations run up on Christmas Eve. And then my next door neighbor on boxing day at like 9am, their tree was out the front, done with, they'd taken all their decorations down Christmas was over oh that's a bit joyous which is a lot of people do this I think I find it a little bit upsetting actually when I see that happen it's a bit transactional isn't it yeah it's a bit like we've done

our you've woken up in bed next to a Christmas tree and you're not even getting it breakfast. Is it a bit like that? You like getting Uber, mate? On your app, not on mine. On your app. You're not going to affect my Uber rating. Because if you're dropping pine needles inside the taxi, I'm going to get marked down. I'm not having it. Yeah, I'm not having it.

That is transaction. So what did they do with it? Did they, they just sort of put it outside the front of their house? No, it must have been there for days. No one that is transaction. So what do they do with it today? They sort of put outside the front of the house. No, it must be never days. No one's picking up. Yeah, your Christmas tree pickup service that then then start. Well, that's true. Exactly. So it's I think it won't be picked up until this week. Yeah, they're just staring at the ghost of Christmas. It's gonna sit there. You know, it's gonna look like a symbol, a symbol of something. It can't not look like a symbol. Can it? Christmas tree lying down on

the ground and exposed to the elements. It's actually standing up. Are you sure it's not just a tree? Ah, yes. It's just a tree, isn't it? Yeah, okay. Some people replant them in their gardens, don't they? Well, that's my plan with my £1.50 little hero. Sure. Get some strength back into it. That's nice of you. Don't have any ground I can plant into because my backyard is entirely paved, Well that's my plan with my £1.50 little hero. Sure. Get some strength back into it. That's a nice idea. Don't have any ground I can plant into because my back yard is entirely paved. Sell it back to Aldi for a profit. And of course it's a tree so they can use bifurcation to replicate it infinitely can't

they? You can explain that to them. What I'm selling here is infinite wood. How much is that worth? Billions? You could build an armada. The Aldi Gallian reign. Or, we make it much simpler, you just give me controlling rights in ASDA. I want a place on the board, I want to be CEO and MDO at CFS.

And look, you look sceptical, but just imagine a forest where you can't see the ends of it. And I want a company car, by which I mean a heavy goods vehicle. With ASDA livery. People talk about not being able to see the wood for the trees, you wouldn't be able to of it. I don't want a company car, by which I mean a heavy goods vehicle. As delivery. People talk about not being able to see the wood for the trees, you wouldn't be able to see the forest for the more forest. That's the scale we're talking about. I'm talking about infinite beavers. Which brings me to my next pitch.

This may look like a guinea pig. Have you tried low calorie beaver yoghurt? And you can use bifurcation to reproduce this beaver infinitely. That's an infinite amount of yoghurt. And what's that? Yes, you're also selling an infinite amount of spoons from your own asda spoons range. No, not all cutlery, just spoons. Sorry, how are you offering them infinite spoons, Henry? You know what?

Oh, that's the brilliant insight of legal mind, Benjamin, picking out this little wait a second. And that's why, Benjamin, actually the reveal is this. The whole thing about beavers and wood was a lie. Actually, you're trying to sell yourself as does main lawyer. And you accidentally bought 10,000 spoons last month and you're trying to shift them. Exactly. So I put up my decorations on Christmas Eve. Next door's tree went on the street on Boxing Day. So I thought, well, I could just have it.

Oh my, that's what, yes, that's what you were thinking. That's Mike and I not that we don't have criminal brains. I didn't think of that. Wouldn't have occurred to me. Literally not in a million years. We don't have criminal brain. I would have stolen it. I would have gone around and said, look, we're still, we're still full of the joys of Christmas here. And it would be awful if anything was to happen to your wife or children, wouldn't it? Especially at this time of year. So do we have an agreement? I've got infinite beavers in the house, no need to worry. For the mere price of peace of mind. Which you can't put a price on. But if you did, a tree would probably be a big bargain,

frankly. But have I told you before about our Christmas tradition in this house? I think so. So basically we always ended up putting up the decorations much too late, just out of like, I'd like to say busyness, but it's kind of procrastination. Yeah, exactly. Just stuff, stuff happens and gets in the way. We just never get around to it.

Yeah. So it goes up really late. And so then we never feel like taking it down when he meant to take it down. Cause it's only been up for a bit. Yes. Yeah. And then we found out the other year, they medieval times, they didn't take anything down until Candlemas, which is when which is February the first, but is it are we are we about to have the conversation about 12 night?

Are we? Is that 12th night? No, no, no, no. It's way past it. That's way past 12th night. That's 12th night plus. Is it? That's what you consigned to with my scheme. 12th night plus Christmas deluxe. That's like 36th night or something. Yeah, yeah. Because it's the tw- what day did you say it was? So when is Candlemas? First of Feb. Oh my look, blimey. So basically in the medieval times Christmas began on Christmas Day. Okay. There was no Christmas gubbins before then. How wrong did they have it? Because that is the worst possible way to do Christmas is to not have the build up which is the only good bit. There's no preparation time. Yeah exactly but the build up the preparation getting in the vibe is nice. You're just starting

on the day the worst bit. Oh God! I've got to make a turkey! Oh Jesus Christ, all my relatives are here! Oh God, the Coventry gang will be here in ten minutes! The Coventry gang! I hate the Coventry gang! Slaughter the birds! Slaughter the birds!

Slaughter anything you can see! Kill the potatoes! Elf! Elf! Elf! We've got to watch Elf! Okay, so then they would just start it on the day and then they would do the buildup retrospectively. Kind of. Yeah. Then it was like a period of feasting and whatever. And that kind of went

on until early fab, but we've sort of put it backwards. So because that existed, there's historical precedent. We just leave our stuff up basically until fab because of historical presence. How often How often does historical precedent come into decision making? Well, if it can justify some very slatternly behaviour then... But you'll reach, you'll actually reach into medieval times. I will, yeah. So if for example I'm covered in boils, which happens occasionally, I'll say don't worry, this is a medieval tradition.

You'll make your partner wear a horsehair cassock If she's not already wearing one, yeah Interestingly, that was yeah boss. I guess a problem. You don't have you see one thing which which if you have a natural tree They start to sag. Oh, yeah, mine can stay up all year was yours can stay up for a thousand years Oh yeah, mine can stay up all year round. Well yours can stay up for a thousand years. Can't it? Yeah. Even if you bury it, it'll be in its plasticky simulation of festivity.

Completely odourless. Welcome. This is all that has survived of the civilisation of's your, what's your policy with this stuff? With trees and stuff. Is your one still hanging around now at this point? We, I mean, I'm, I'm similarly passive a bit like with the window cleaning at some point, a man. And it usually is a man will drop a small paper note through our letterbox

saying, I'm picking up Christmas trees for a fiver tomorrow. It's Mike getting conned yet again. Unbelievable. Like, are you all like... So I, I, I merely make sure that I put my pot of cash outside the front door the following day. Is it time for a Patsy jingle? I think it's time, unless it's 100% time.

For the biggest Patsy in the southwest. Oh, hello there. Welcome to the patsy zone. And if you could just close your eyes and sign here, here, here and here. Okay. No, it's not two old bits of toenail shoved into a potato. It's a Bitcoin. Oh, I see.

How do you know I'm actually from your bank? Well, if I wasn't, would I be asking for your bank details? Of course. Take me to the cleaners. So they come for the Christmas patsies and yeah, I lie upon my back with my belly in the air and they take what they want. But I see you've got to take down the baubles off it. You you don't have a Well, that's the thing. They'll do it the day before so this warning you see see I say, you know, you're coming So you think down did you say so who puts a fiber through whose door again? Can you just go back to I a man will put a slip of paper through my door paper through your door saying that He's coming, you know the next day

And if I if I leave if I leave him a fibre and the tree outside, then away it'll go. So you leave him a fibre and for £5 you're giving him infinite wood. Yeah, and there'll be other people who, Paul that, the non-patsy crowd, you know, maybe they'll go down to the recycling centre, put it in you know recycling chipper what have you here in Cardiff Mike the council pick them up for free do they really yeah there's a certain day they come around pick them all up i mean that may be the case here i have no idea it might be that the guy comes around to patsies the day before that so i think that's what's up we don't know you see mike what you don't realize mike is that there is a thing called um the council like, is that there is a thing called the council. There are governmental structures. And what happens is these things, they cradle us, citizens of the country, they cradle us, don't they? And they look after us in a lot of situations.

And we have become very babies. We have become suckling at their tater and fantalise. Suckling on the councils by's mini-state. But we have. Oh, where am I going to park my car? Oh, I don't know. Oh, look, there's a big council teat in the form of a multi-storey cow park. I'm going to suckle on that because I don't actually have my own brain. Are you launching your candidacy for reform? Is that what this is? 2025 only three beans salad is going to become? Are you going to be a sovereign parker?

That's quite a good nickname for me. No, I think the state is a good thing, right? But in between these structures and us, there are gaps and in between those gaps, con artists thrive like rats within the walls of a building. And what's happened is, Mike, you're insulated from the state by these people that have intervened and put little notes through your door and written things in the grime on the back of your car. Yeah. Yeah. I do get a lot of bills that way. And they do things that they say, Ram a wodge of twenties up your exhaust and it'll be gone by morning. It is. It is. And so will the the problem in your living room. But the problem is still there, isn't it?

It apparently takes years sometimes to sort that out. And you've got to keep the 20s coming. You've got to keep them in your... I think people are intervening so that guy's getting his note to you before you're able to recognise what Ben can see, which is the council has solutions to this. We're paying tax, Mike, but you're paying twice because you're paying the con artists. Yeah. I'm good for the economy. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, you're very much in the kind of brown envelopes kind of. I know a guy who'll sort out a thing, don't worry. You don't actually have to send your

children to school because I know a genuine wise man. And he'll sort them out. And for sports, I've got an anaconda and I put it in an Adidas sock. And he's going to be in charge of sports for a while. I'm just going to shove some 20s up the exhaust of your car. Yeah, I know your car has gone, but we've left an old exhaust. Remember, we're cleaning your car every day. All day. You can't put a price on peace of mind regarding car hygiene. Precious cargo, Mike, precious cargo.

Keep those 20s coming. Also 90% of domestic deaths happen in the car. So actually I'm saving your life in a way. Yeah. And that's why we're moving you and all of your family into this tent. Small cops just outside of town. The exhaust pipe. I say cops.

It's a, it's a roundabout. Actually, um, and I've talked about cops. That's one of my trigger words. Mike of course pays for his own sort of police force that come round five a day. Yeah, the militia they come round. Well, you say militia is Trisha, isn't it? It is Trisha. Big Trish. Big Trish. And her half a snooker queue. Trisha. Big Trish. Big Trish.

And her half a snooker queue. Yeah, she was ready to go. Unfortunately it's the left half, isn't it? Which means it's got very little strength to it, that queue. Well she tried to bifurcate it and sell it to ours, actually. Someone told her she could get the snooker keys. Let's turn on the beat machine. Yes, please. This week's topic are sent in by Robin from Weymouth. Hello Robin from Weymouth.

Thanks Robin. Is Weymouth near you Mike? I've got no idea where Weymouth is. No it's south coast. It's a fair bit east a fair bit East of here. Okay. Okay. So local rivalry.

It's not quite as too many. It's too many places in between really. Okay. Bigger fish to find places that you loathe in between. We unite against a common enemy. Yeah. And in a pincer movement. Well, what is it?

What is Exeter's kind of like number one? Plymouth. Plymouth. Plymouth. Those idiots. That's definitely like the football derby thing is, is Exeter and Plymouth. Plymouth is Argyle. And if, if you, like, if you're doing a standup gig or something like that, and you wanted to get the sort of, the sort of automaton responsive, you say Plymouth

and people go, and the same thing will happen in the other way around it, if you, if you go on stage and Plymouth and say I'm from Exeter, do you know what I mean? And you can normally pad that out for about 10 to 15 minutes, can't you? But don't get it the wrong way around. And go Plymouth. Where you only make once you only make a mistake you only make once. And you'll be able to think about it at your leisure because all you'll be is a head stapled

to the wall of a pub in Plymouth. If anyone listening, you know, maybe is interested in getting into stand up wants to pick up some tips. Yes. If you can't get laughter, a word is close. It can stand in. Yeah. Yes. Well, yeah, it's, it's, a whirr is close. It can stand in. Yes. Well, it's, it's, it's the same muscle groups.

It's the same essentially Mike, that's how you think about it. Isn't it? You think about it as stimulating facial muscle groups. Yes. It's all about base brain reflexes. It's about basically sort of Pilates, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

It's spinal. I'd have a sort of spinal approach to it. And it's using a succession of aural stimuli, which other people would refer to as them material. That's why no one can remember any of it after it's done. Exactly. Just a vague sensation that they might've wasted a tenner. Yeah.

And then a sort of fug, isn't it? There is a post-gig fug they'll be wasted a tenner. Yeah. And that's a bit of a... And then a sort of fug, isn't it? There's a post-gig fug they'll be in for a while. Probably you don't recommend eating solids, do you, for about 24 hours after Mike Torsby did. Yeah, there are people with information pamphlets on the way out. Exactly. For post-care. And the whole venue is surrounded almost by...

By latrines, yes. By latrines! Well, you dig a latrine trench, don't you? You insist the whole venue is surrounded almost by, by, by the trains. Yes. Well, you dig a latrine trench, don't you? Yeah. No, it's no, that's very true, Ben, isn't it? It's about going away and, um, little tips for start anyone starting stand up. Just work out the name of the town, the nearest town to say that word and go away. And you're off.

You're absolutely off. You're off to the races. Although the truth is, the irony is that local town that's next door to him is actually probably quite similar and actually price share quite a lot of same values. That's not something to bring up during your set. Unless you're doing alternative comedy, you're likely to not get rebooked. It's funny that isn't it though, why is it that humankind, you know, if you take a town or a place, it's always the place next door that they hate. It's the vanity of small differences.

Exactly. Oh, beautifully put. Other examples of that include? And let's keep some sort of jingle because I've never understood what that means. Do you know what that means? The vanity of small differences. It's a Freud thing, isn't it? Is it like if Mike sees someone with a moustache very, very slightly bigger than his, he'll lose his shit? It doesn't happen, doesn't happen, doesn't happen!

It can't happen, Henry! Or I was going to say even slightly more lustrous. Right, that's it. Is that what it's about? So if I was to meet a man even more perfectly bald than me and with a more apricot-like texture to the surface of his cranium. And look even more like a cross between Ben Fogel and Nosferatu. Even more perfectly found that overlap in the Venn diagram.

He's got the creepiness of Nosferatu, but the sense that he'd be really good at getting up a steep surface of Fogel. He's even more frightening than Nosferatu, but the sense that he'd be really good at getting up a steep surface of Fogel. He's even more frightening than Nosferatu. Nosfog-eratu? I think that's the best one so far, yeah. You know what? If that stayed in the actual final edition of this podcast, we've really struggled. Okay, so the topic was sent in by Robin from Weymouth and it is Peter Pan.

Okay. Is that you playing a sort of flute? Does Peter Pan play a flute? I'm not sure what that was. I can't remember much about Peter Pan though. I'm just, yeah, I'm having to sort of reacquaint myself with what is Peter Pan. So that is the kid. He never grows up. He never grows up. He lives with the, is it the lost boys? They're called on, uh, in this magical place.

Neverland. Is it called? Oh yes. So does he from a magical place where no one ever grows up. The boys, the, the, the, him and the lost boys, they never grow up. But why is it like a Pachyotra grand problem or like a hormonal thing? It's, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's up. But why? Is it like a pituitary grand problem or like a hormonal thing? It's multifactorial, isn't it? I think a lot of it's diet.

Neverland is where they did a lot of the early nuclear tests. It was just next to bikini atoll, wasn't it? Absolutely zapped all of their glands. Yeah. Okay. Good. Yeah. Interesting.

Basically the idea was if you could zap all of the pituitary glands of everyone in Russia, you would have a nation of children. Wouldn't you? Which would therefore be easier to control. Yeah. So let me, and there's a dog in it called Nana. I remember that. But the thing is, are you basing it on the Disneyfication, Ben? Because I always go back

to the original. Hubert Mavlans. Pietro de Pani. Based on the original Hungarian folktale, which he unearthed while exploring Hungarian lowlands. About a pan-faced boy, wasn't it? Mm. Yeah. A profoundly violent pan-faced boy. A profoundly violent pan-faced boy. It's one of the most horrifying phone tales of all time. Absolutely horrendous. Yeah.

And he- Murders adolescents on behalf of the ladleman. I've got a Peter Pan fact, I think. Okay. A sort of QI style Peter Pan fact that might be wrong. Yeah. I think J.M. Barrie, who wrote Peter Pan, might be wrong already. Yeah.

But I think I'm okay. I think you're okay. I think he made up the name Wendy. Oh, that's a nice fact. Oh, that's familiar. I've heard that before. I didn't know that. I think the world's first Wendy was in Peter Pan. I've heard that before. Yeah. Cause that we've discussed, I think the fact that Gary Cooper

was the first person to be called Gary. Yeah. Gary Cooper was also created by J.M. Barry. You think so? Yeah. Yeah. That's quite good fact. Why would you do that? I mean, why would you just go, right? So I've got a magical character, right? This magical character can fly. He never grows up. I'm going to call him Peter. He should have been called something crazy. Do you know what I mean? Why? Isn't there something else with the Wendy? Wasn't, was it like an affectionate nickname of someone in his life? So I've, I've looked at that Mike and you're right.

Okay. The name was inspired by a daughter of Barry's friend. Margaret reportedly used to call Barry my Fwendy with the common childhood difficulty of pronouncing ours. This came out as my Fwendy and my Fwendy Wendy. God that's lame. But apparently before that, Wendy was not the first Wendy because Wendy used to be a man's name. Yes.

In the 1600s, for example, during the English Civil War, there was a male Captain Wendy Oxford. Oh, nice. Crikey. Who was a spy. Wow. He sounds wonderful. The name's Oxford.

Wendy.'s Oxford. Wendy. You don't know how to react to that do you guys? I've got you right where I want you. Exactly. So in Peter Pan, right? Yeah. I'm just trying to remember the story still still Wendy is just a kid in a normal world Yes, well a normal as a sort of Chelsea Kensington type normal world Yeah, that's the other thing about a lot of children's a lot of things from this era They're from quite a nice corners of West London. Yeah, cuz like what's one about the nanny who can fly Mary Poppins Mary Poppins. I mean, yeah crazy I have a feeling the railway children were initially based somewhere posh in West London

before they had to flee to the countryside. Paddington lives in West London. There we go. There we go. Yeah, they're West London. Absolutely stinking rich. And it's financial money. It's money with blood on it. It's blood diamonds. It's natural money. It's money with blood on it's money. It's blood diamonds. It's blood diamonds. They're cleaning up cartel dosh by day.

Creaming it off the top. And have a lovely wholesome family time in the evening. Yeah. Oh, well we've met a little quirky bear that can talk. Yeah. You've got the blood of thousands on your hands this week. We've got to deal with a Peruvian gang. I was on the phone to Peru early on today. Yeah, Peruvian cartels.

I've just bought a guano mine. What's that? Yes, use your political influence to lower the age at which children can start working in the mines. Can you, can you, can you leave me alone? I'm trying to have a quirky conversation with a cute bear. Just lower the age. Just lower it. What do you mean they can't afford a roof over their head? They're working in a mine. It's almost all roof. Now, shall we get that little bear a new Mac? Because I think that's what keeps her in a new Mac. Oh, we've learnt stuff about ourselves as a family on the bones of thousands of families all around the world. But our little family

is having a cute time with a bear. And ironically, we have to shoot quite a lot of bears that get into the mine. Because they're wreaking havoc with the JCBs. Yeah. And luckily, we're a modern family, my wife works for BAE Systems and they've designed, haven't they, AI guns that can identify bears and shoot them and automatically strafe them with machine gun fire. Which was... You just drop them into South America.

You just drop them in. Sure, they don't kill bears initially, they kill anything that moves, but they learn, that's the point, the guns learn. That's right. And it means also we don't have to employ any of the locals to operate the guns anymore, which means our margins increase. Because of the redundant mercenaries. Yes, we have caused the mercenary redundancy crisis in South America. That's down to us. They can't feed themselves. I know. And there's lots of unemployed, heavily

armed men wandering South America. What's that Paddington? You want some new Wellingtons? Of course! Of course you can. Let's get ones with little stars on. What's that, they're having to eat their grandmothers? I thought you said they were hungry. Are they hungry or are they eating their grandmothers? Because it's one or the other. Anyway, I've got to go. Paddington's running a bath and it could get messy. It could get a bit messy here. Oh, Paddington! So, in Peter Pan, you've got Wendy, who lives in West London. Her parents were rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Yeah. And she has some brothers and sisters, I think, and a dog. Yes, I think so. There's at least a brother. How do they come into contact with magical Peter Pan who flies and lives in the middle? He flies through the window, doesn't he? Isn't it Tinkerbell, initially? What is she doing there? Asking for help?

Why is she asking a child? Maybe she thinks that they're trust fund children and therefore it's actually financial help they need. They need to buy arms, supplies, it's a logistics thing really. It's probably a logistics thing. It's probably an unexpected consequence of some sort of military prototype for a weapon that completely removes the skin. Because Tinkerbell is essentially just, she's a drone really isn't she?

She's a deep intel AI drone. She's a deep intel drone. She's a drone that can get through cracks in windows. And it's something they've been... Maybe they just think they can get some personal information off the children that will unlock very sort of passwords and sort of they can gain access to the accounts of the financier parents or something like that. It's probably that.

Wendy, think, think. Have you ever seen them on the Santander website? What were their hands doing? Can you remember that password? What is the name of your dog? So is it that they go to Neverland and then Neverland's in trouble because Captain Hook is kind of terrorising it somehow? I don't know if I remember the original story. That's the problem, right? The Pirates of the Problem?

Pirates are a problem, but I don't know if they're the fundamental problem. Okay, do you want a synopsis of the Disney version? Just so we can get across the plot. In Edwardian London 1904, George and Mary Darling's preparations to attend a party are disrupted by the antics of their boys, John and Michael, who were acting out a Peter Pan story told them by their elder sister Wendy. That's quite meta then. Later that night, Peter himself arrives in the nursery to find his lost shadow. Oh, that rings a bell.

God, that's quite... I like that. That's quite... Yeah. The shadow's quite naughty, isn't it? I seem to remember from the film. It sort of runs away and... Yeah.

...and wants to chase it. So he's been living in a kind of over-lit space, like a sort of flood-lit, an area where he's lit from all sides. He's got one of those ring lights. He's got one of those ring lights. He's got one of those ring lights. He persuades Wendy to come to Neverland where she will never have to grow up. And she and the boys fly there with the begrudging help of Pixie Tinkerbell. So it's quite, it's, it's, it's very Pixar, isn't it?

It's what Pixar is all about. Never growing up. Every, every Pixar film is about that. Pixar films are about that. It's good to not grow up, right? Or to stay in touch with your inner child. But again, when it comes to big business meetings, does that really work? You've got to leave your inner child at the door, haven't you?

You've got to leave because your inner child would cry their eyes out if they knew. How many bears your AI gun had killed down bears your AI gun taking down on a daily basis bears upon bears upon bears a building up a continental shelf of dead bears has been created or is it just too disruptive to the guano supply. It's too, it's too disruptive. By the way, what is guano? Guano is the shit of either bats or birds. Used for fertilizer and I believe possibly even explosives. Oh nice.

Cause it's got potassium in it I think. That's it, yeah. The reason it's on my mind is cause I went to a National Trust property over the Christmas period near Bristol called Tinsfield House. That doesn't narrow it down by that they're all called Tinsfield House. It was built by the richest commoner of the Victorian era. Really? Barry Stevens. Barry Stevens.

Barry Stevens, the guano oligarch. The guano king. It was a bloke who bought a guano mine in South America in Peru. And did he try to marry a rich heiress, but they still look down on him because the fact is, it doesn't matter how rich you are, he doesn't know how to hold a melon spoon. Of humiliation. And even he'd be thinking, oh damn my crude fingers. All I can do is mash this melon directly into my face. That's the only

way I can do it. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, he made his fortune in Guano. Wow. So they go to the Goat's Neverland and there are some pirates there. So the parental unit doesn't seem to particularly import their sideshow here. We're not worried about the fact that mum and dad might be making money out of big business. Big business is very, it's holding things up, isn't it? It's a non-issue.

They're on a Zoom with some militia leaders, aren't they? It's not an issue that their children are flying out of a window to a forgotten sort of magical hinterland. Yeah. And they're downstairs on the Zoom in the kitchen going, look, please, I don't know how fun I can say this. When I say no holds barred, I mean, no holds barred attitude to punishment. Do we need to add more machetes into the Sahel for you? Do you need to? We can do that like that. In fact, you know what? I'm going to order a machete drop right now. Get indoors. It's happening.

So Captain Hook is there. He wants revenge on Peter Pan because Peter Pan cut off his hand. Yes, I remember that. That's why he's hooky. But why did the child cut his hand off? I think they're sort of their endless enemies. They regularly they battle the pirates, but they've got backstory. Yeah. But also the crocodile has consumed the hand. Yes.

Right. And got a taste for hook. That's why the crocodile is always pursuing hooks ship because he liked the taste of hook. Has the crocodile also got a clock inside it? I remember that. Yes. What's that? Yeah, that really. Because all of this stuff has a psychoanalytical, you know. So we're into psychoanalytical metaphors. Over to you, Henry. Yeah. Over to Ben, Ben. I'm going to pass it on. It's a hot potato. It's going around. You are allowed one pass.

I'm allowed one pass. That's the way it works. Ben, let the symposium begin. And I will introduce Hungarian professor, Dr. Fyodor Govinovich. Sorry, I'm in tunnel. I'm in a tunnel, sorry. Oh no. Ben's blown his professorial voucher. So what happens then is that Hook fires upon Peter Pan and the kids with his cannon. And then Tinkerbell, who's jealous of Peter Pan's attention to Wendy, because she's no

longer the hot thing in town, it's a bit weird, convinces the Lost Boys that Pan has ordered them to shoot down Wendy. Shoot down Wendy? So she's trying to get Wendy killed? She's trying to get Wendy killed. I don't remember that. Tinkerbell's treachery is soon found out and Peter banishes her. Good Lord. Then John and Michael, who I think you remember are the brothers of Wendy, set off with the

Lost Boys to find the island's natives. Such boring names, John and Michael. Come on mate. He's literally made up Wendy. He's gone from Peter, John and Michael. Peter, John and Michael. Okay. Then they're captured by so-called natives. Can't imagine that's the most culturally sensitive rendering. We used to talk to the crocodile community because they are absolutely furious. What it just on some island, it's a generic tropical island.

Yeah, I think looking at them, they, it looks like they're kind of Native Americans. That's the vibe I think. Because they believe wrongly that they're responsible for taking the chief's daughter Tiger Lily. I don't remember any of this. No. Meanwhile, Peter takes Wendy to see the mermaids. What? Come on. We're getting a bit fever dream now. He's checking everything. You see, Pixar wouldn't have would not have allowed this stuff to happen. So it turns out that Peter Wendy then see hook Hook and realises that he has captured Tiger Lily. So Peter then frees Tiger Lily, returns her to the Chief and the tribe honours Peter.

Meanwhile Hook takes advantage of Tinkerbell's jealousy of Wendi, tricking the fairy into revealing Peter Pan's secret hideout. Oh Tinkerbell. So it's actually a kind of sordid love triangle. Well this is like, it feels like Tinkerbell is Darth Vader. Do you know what I mean? Star Wars is really the story of Darth Vader. This is really the story of Tinkerbell. It's Tinkerbell Darth Vader. It's not Peter Pan. Yeah. Yeah you're right. It's the origin story of a baddie isn't it? She's drawn into the dark side. Wendy and her brothers eventually grow homesick and plan to return to London. They invite Peter

and the Lost Boys to join them and be adopted by the Darlings. Can you do that? Can you like take kids to your parents and be like... I think in that era, if you were moneyed enough, you'd do what you bloody like, right? Be Angelina Jolie yourself. But if they come back to the normal world, they do grow old, right? That's the catch. Well, that's it. So Peter doesn't want to go to London because he doesn't want to grow up, which is fair play. Although to be fair, he's not having the greatest childhood, is he?

He's being chased around by a sort of psychopathic pirate. I mean, it's not like, it's not an idyllic childhood, is it? But it's interesting, isn't it? That thing of like, there is something quite, yeah, it's in a lot of Disney stuff. Maybe it's just in a lot of children's stuff in general is this idea, yeah, like growing up, it's quite, it's quite kind of, I remember a moment like this in the jungle book, the Disney version. Is it Mowgli? Yeah. Has his fun times with the animals who improvised two of the best songs ever written, I think. Jazz numbers. To the best jazz numbers ever written. I'm the king of the swingers and Ben

necessities. Yeah, absolutely brilliant songs. But the end there's that moment where he goes back to the village doesn't he? And he sees he gets a horn. He kicks in, he gets the major horn on. And it's that teenage moment of, sorry, I'm not into Lego anymore. I discovered porn mags. But his porn mags was the reflections of people in a pond. Yeah. Oh, lewd content warning.

lewd content. And they don't show it tell you that but in the future isn't it for him is that he can only have from can only be sexually aroused if he's having sex with a bottle. Every time he penetrates the puddle the image is lost. It's a tragedy. And, um, it's a long road back, isn't it? With psychosexual counseling for him. Particularly if that's being offered by a lemur. He's had his two to be fair as a brilliant jazz singer, though. Breaking into bebop tunes. Slow down sessions.

That moment I do remember as a child, that moment at the end of the jungle book is really quite affecting. He's going to leave the fun and singing animals and go into a world and it is adulthood because it's yeah, he's finding this girl, it's like a pretty girl and he's like, oh, and it's growing up, isn't it? And that is it really, it tugs at your heartstrings, isn't it? And Pixar understand that that means money, money, money, money, money, money. We can satisfy the shareholders by tugging on that heartstrings. More AI guns.

More AI guns. Mogul gets an internship with an outpost of a mining company based in the Congo. And the more subtly it's played off the better. Like sometimes they tug on a heart string in a way that's almost a bit obvious, like the one which is like inside the human mind. Inside out. There's the imaginary, is it the imaginary friend? Yes. I mean, that is so designed to get middle-class affluent parents in an emotional state where they're prepared to invest in merch. It tugs on the merch strings. And we let's not criticize people selling merch. It's almost manipulative at that point. It starts to feel, doesn't it? Somehow I feel it. Sometimes it's so obvious what they're doing, but it still works in terms of tugging.

I mean, Monsters Inc has the same thing with... Yeah, that's entirely about that. It's always about growing up. The other thing that Disney does is it cleans up the stories, makes them clearer, but also sanitises them and makes them much nicer. So in the actual, in the original, what's he called? Anderson? Someone? Hans Christian Anderson. In the original Hans Christian Anderson,, the little mermaid, she is, at the end she is filleted. Yes.

They harvest her roe, which makes absolutely brilliant, a brilliant skin cream. And like the original Pinocchio, it's like, that story is like, he just travels around like getting beaten up by farmers and like a really humiliating circus anyway can make money. Yeah. So you can punch my nose in. Yeah. Give us a couple of Florence. Yeah, I'm hungry. I know I'm wooden, but I'm hungry. And eventually he's just he's just sort of sort of sort of sort, he's just going to sort, sort of sort off as he's sort in half and then tend into into a series of sex toys. Eventually the, and the remainder of him is just tending to a sawdust on a butcher's floor, isn't it?

Sawdust on a butcher's floor. But it is sad growing up and stuff, but that's why in the psychoanalytical realm, specifically Jungian here we go again stuff. Yeah, he's into a thing called the the poor and the poor Ella. Do you know what that is? No, no, it's poor P UER means boy or child. And poor Ella means girl or young maiden. So he's got this theory about the poor and poor Ella, which is that it's a sort of psychological type, who doesn't grow up as a Peter Pan type, poor and Puella. One of the testers if you find it funny that I'm saying poor, like Mike is grinning that

suggests you are in fact in the poor phase. P U E R. I'm not talking about someone being a poor and poor coming out of their body, which you talking about someone being a puller and poop coming out of their body which you find funny. And the only cure for that condition Mike is to grow the fuck up. No the only actually weirdly the cure that's why it ties in again to the story the cure is actually for you to be chased around by a crocodile for a couple of weeks. That would actually make you grow up. We all know someone with Peter Pan syndrome, don't

we? And it's hard to grow up. It's sad because you do have to eventually take Bagheera and shoot him between the eyes. But that's what growing up is, you have to take your imaginary friend, you have to hog tie them and throw them into a lake. But don't do that to your actual friends. For actual friends, we suggest, hide assassin. It's clean. It's arm's length. So no, but is that something just something dies, something gets destroyed, isn't it? When you grow up? Yeah, but it's the right thing to do. Although the thing is with Peter Pan is a bit different, because he just literally doesn't physically grow up. Because what is bad, what is maybe unhealthy

or a shame for a human being is to grow old, but not to mentally sort of mature. Maybe it would be sad, but if your body actually stays the same and you can fly, he's not physically maturing. Yeah. What it's really a story is a 72 year old man who's lured three children to his private island. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. That's it. It has a slightly different ring to it. It's not quite so Disney ready. A few more rewrites. Anyway, I'll finish off the plot. They're going to go back to London, but the pirates capture them and then leave a time bomb to kill Peter. Oh, that's where the alarm clock comes in. Obviously time is a theme here. Time. By the way, I'm always good at spotting themes and things because often people watch a film and they'll come out and they'll go, that was

a good film and I'll go, but did you notice there was a theme? Where do we leave the card Henry? Do you remember where we left the card? Ah, the theme. Did you notice that the theme in that film was bank robbery? There was a sustained and repeated motif. I would say that the theme of The Lion King is lions. You might have spotted it. But it's like a stick of rock. That film had lion written through it. Like a stick of rock.

It has lion written through it. Like a stick of rock. And not brighten. Like a stick of rock. I'm just going to have to warn you, I've got stuck in my, in my stick of rock. Sometimes happens where I start saying something like a stick of rock. Like a stick of rock. Like a stick of rock. It's very hard for me to get out of it. I suggest you go and pick up the car. Get back. Normally if I run up against the wall a couple of times, sometimes it's sought me out. Like a stick of rock. Anyway. Tinkerbell saves the day, so she comes good by learning about the plot and snatches the bomb from Peter. Okay.

As it explodes. This is Darth Vader throwing the emperor down the recycling tube thing. Same thing. Yeah. Yeah. Peter and Takebaugh go and rescue the kids that have been captured by the pirates. Peter engages Hook in combat and defeats him. Can I say, it's actually starting to drag this and it's just a summary of the film. I'm basically ready for sort of... For me it's like it's had its fun and now it's just, this is just self-indulgent at this point. Hook falls into the sea and swims away, pursued by the crocodile. Peter Commandy is the deserted ship and assisted by Tinkerbell's pixie dust flies it to London. Yeah. Oh, I've got some plot things I haven't managed to work out. I can't get all the threads to stick together. I suppose I could spend a few hours really trying to work out how the story

worked for retrospectively fitting in some stuff. Well, I could just make it pixie dust solves everything. Pixie dust, yeah. Put pixie dust on it. Yeah, yeah, fine. Pixie dust, yeah, yeah. Whatever. George and Mary, darling, return home. For fuck's sake. Come on, mate. This is like listening to one of my anecdotes probably. So this all happened within the course of a single evening. Oh is it one of those? They went out and left the young children sleeping at home alone basically. Have they been out to the opera or something?

Seems like it. There'd have been a ship face nanny somewhere in the house. Reading racy novels. Wendy wakes up and excitedly tells her parents about their adventures. They look out the window and see what appears to be a pirate ship in the clouds. They think, God, I've had too many martinis. ship in the clouds. They think, God, I've had too many martinis. George, the dad, recognises the ship from his own childhood. Hinting that he himself went to Leatherland when he was a boy. And it's a reed, a passage of the super rich. Are they so rich they can actually hire

and create like a ship that flies and create this whole thing so as to indoctrinate their children to make sure that they do grow up. That they what? That they do grow up. They do grow up and they do get into the family arms business or whatever. Well there we go. That's your film. So did we say that it's one of those stories where at the end they come back and they've

gone through months of stuff but no time has passed? Yeah. It was all one night. Yeah. But in the story it's like, Well, it's unclear, was it one evening or were the darling parents out for a three month bender, assume their children will be okay or someone would pick them up and take them to their boarding schools at some point, if they're away

for long enough. Yeah. Because it's the staff, there's people in place, all that kind of stuff. Don't worry about it too much. I do like it in stories though when that happens, when they go in and no time, because that happens in Lionwood, which is the wardrobe, isn't it? They go for years, they become kings and queens and stuff, and they come back and it's like, literally, doesn't happen much the other way around, does no it come back in in 95 fuck I thought you left two

days I wanted to have a five minute conversation with the form and I'm in my nineties Time to read your emails, just please. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me? Just some old shit When you send an email This represents progress

Like a robot shoeing a horse Give me your house My beautiful horse. 3Beansaladpod.gmail.com is the email address. And last episode, or maybe a couple of episodes ago, Henry, you were talking about boiling water and boiling spuds. And when do you start counting the minutes? Yes. Yes. So can you give us a pricey of the problem again, Henry?

But the trouble with these recipes, what they'll say is boil potatoes for 10 minutes. Now the trouble is you basically what I would say is it's impossible to boil potatoes for 10 minutes. There is no such thing. What does that mean? How can you boil potatoes? You can't bought potatoes for 10 minutes because if you get a pot of boiling water on the hob, hmm. So if you get a pot of water, if you get a pot of water, yeah, the old tongue twister, yeah, if you get a pot of boiling a pan of boiling water on the hob, once you put the potatoes in, the

temperature of the water goes down so much that it stops boiling. And it stops boiling and it might take literally it will take 10 minutes to get it boiling. And then what is it 10 minutes from then that I start? When do I count the 10 minutes from? Okay, so this is the only solution I can think of, by the way, is that you pre boil the potatoes. So they're already hot when you put them in the potatoes are bubbling. You have to boil them in their own sort of potato, in their own starch. Well, we've had an email from Jess. Now Jess says, having previously worked as a chef, we've got a previous chef here.

Okay. But did she leave under a potato cloud? Rebecca, fine. I can tell you that spuds are not to be added to boiling water, but started in cold, slightly salted water and brought to the boil. You would then start timing the process from when the spud water starts to boil. Okay. I like that. Is that... but the way I see it though is... let's say it takes 10 minutes to get the cold water with the potatoes in it to go from cold

to boiling. Are you telling me that nowhere in that 10 minutes did anything happen that was even a little bit like boiling? She's not telling you that now. Oh, cool. She is giving you very, very clear instructions. If the recipe says boil it for 10 minutes, she's saying that the only true boiling starts after the water's boiling.

But I would say towards the end of that process of it getting towards boiling, something a bit similar to boiling is happening. A bit like how the late 80s are a bit like the early 90s. A bit like how the late 80s are like the early 90s, exactly. Yeah. I think Jess is taking that into account. Okay. Well, if that's the case, then she's saying, yes, sure, they might might look like they're in the 80s but this was filmed in the early 90s.

She then goes on to say testing the consistency of the spud is always more reliable than adhering to a time limit though. But I can't be bothered with that, that involves actually having an opinion and getting off my imaginative arse, whereas what I want is a series of mathematical equations to follow like an automaton. A rigorous, perfect protocol. Yeah. But she's also given us another bit of knowledge, which I really like. As a general rule for blanching vegetables, if it grows underground, it sounds like she's going to have made this

right. Yeah, I'm expecting right. Yeah, very much so. Maybe we can make it right. But she says, if it grows underground, start in cold water. If it grows above ground, start in boiling water. So pheasants. You boil a pheasant in hot water. Yeah. Oh, also make sure you have a high enough water to veg ratio to ensure the temp won't

drop too much when you add the veg. Too many concepts in one sentence. You can also put, here's another concept for you Henry, you can also put a lid on the pot after adding the veg and this normally brings the heat up again pretty quickly. Well I certainly suggest it's better than adding it before you add the veg. But I think we need to go back to this rhyme. If it grows underground, it needs to start in cold water, if it grows above ground, start in boiling water, can we make this rhyme? If it be buried in, if it live in the sod, here we go! Let the water be cold as it is

for the cod. That's very good, Mike. Why is it called for the cod? Because they live in North Sea. In its natural habitat? Hmm. Do you have to add in its natural habitat? the North Sea. In its natural habitat. Do you have to add brackets in its natural habitat? Bracket brackets in its natural habitat.

But the in its natural habitat is silent. So if it grows in the sod, may it go in the water as cold as the water experienced by the cod? As tis for the cod. As tis for the cod. Can I try and improve on that? You can try. I don't think you'll be able to. Yeah. If it grows in the soil, make it start cold

before the boil. Yeah, no, that's good. Okay, doesn't really. It's not as good as Mike. Okay, if it grows above ground. Shepherds delight. Shepherds delight. Okay, if it grows above ground, give it the give that water the vibe of the Mersey sound. Which is famously, what is the Mersey sound constantly boiling? Mersey sound like the Beatles. What is the Mersey sound? It Beatles? Actually I don't know what it is. What is the Mersey sound? It's an anthology of poems by Roger McGough.

Yeah, so just like that. If upon this veg you can stub your toe, the temperature of the water should not be low. That would be good if there wasn't a knot in there. Yeah, it's never good if there's a knot. That's right, it's true. If it grows in the air, may bubbles be there? Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely. There we go.

How about if it grows where the worms do... ...rithe? Let the temperature begin at 5 minus 5... ...by zero. It's really bad to come up with a good mnemonic for this one. It is. Let the temperature begin at five minus five zero It's really bad to come with a good mononoke for this one it is if upon this veg you may stub your toe The water should be hot as the volcano Yes, not bad. I like it. I like it Mike What obviously can't get as hot as a volcano because it can only get to a hundred degrees C before it starts boiling Where's my can get up to like a thousand degrees C, which

would ruin the potatoes. Um, so what you're saying is that the tube or veg potato carrot, parsnip or tuber to, um, so it's the sort of the root veg, they all start in cold because it's harder to, I don't do know why I wonder why I don't know why he's turnips all those things. And it's something like a tomato. When do you boiling a tomato when the hell's wrong with you? What would be something above yes, so peas, for example. Yeah, yeah, you'd ball those starting in boiling boiling. Well, yeah,

that's true. Say the rhyme. If it above the water level of earth it do grow. Don't stub your toe on a volcano. There we go. Okay, now it's the time in the show where we normally play the Patreon jingle, but somebody sent one in and they've done their own version. Ooh, this is from Ad. Thank you, Ad. Ad says, this is the Patreon jingle and the style is Sean Bean plus Black Sabbath. Oh, wow.

Which is very promising indeed. Um, he says I played all the instruments. So let's have a listen to that. ["The Ferryman"] It's time to pay the Ferryman. It's time to pay the ferriman! Patreon... Patreon...

Patreon.com forward slash Green Bean Salad You bastards! forward slash, three bean salad. You bastard. Terrific stuff. Yeah. That's excellent. Very good. Perfect. Thank you. No complaints. Thank you. And yeah, if you'd like to send in versions of any of our jingles, please do. Thanks for having me sign up on our Patreon. Thank you very much. patreon.com forward slash three bean salad is the place to go. There are various tiers you can sign up at. If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean lounge where Mike was just this weekend.

I was indeed. And it was interesting, wasn't it Mike? Because it was well, it's it was your gene is your annual genealogy event. That's right. Trace your family tree back to a wrong and that's correct. Thankace your family tree back to Orongan. That's correct. Thank you, Benjamin. And here's my report. It was Trace your family history back to Orongan last night at the Sean Bean Lounge with expert assistance from Sean Bean's crack genealogy squad made up of Jordan Fisher on ancestral

records and foundlings, Duncan Easton on genetics and paramours, Callum Hayden on hearsay, Kirsten Rennie on their say, and Frederick Hillinger on whether or not your second toe was longer than your big toe. Doug and Will weren't surprised to have their lineage traced back to Verity Worm, a pirate queen who wore the flaming beards of her enemies upon her battle brogues. Ellie Jenkinson, Sam Dennis and Joni Jackson were all found to be distantly related to Jacob Rood, the first ever baby to scream, a practice which spread like wildfire. Paul B, Andrew Woods, Tom Hepworth, and Ashley Megson's pedigree was no less troubling, descended as they were from postmaster Noor,

the hoof prince of whose steel horse smashed the world's first gnome-themed novelty front garden to smithereens. Mitochondrial DNA analysis revealed that Robin Yates, Lucy Clark, Donovan Friesen and Alia were all the distant progeny of Patrice Rex, the inventor of disappointing pastries. Graham Jackson discovered he was the son of his own evil twin. Stephanie Wilson, M. Todd, Patrick McSweeney and Matt Bowyer used declassified Yugoslavian State Security Service files to trace their origins back to Professor Gingersnap, who was notorious for arriving at dinner parties before the appointed time. Paul Fraser, Jasper, Olivia Stridham and James had the unwelcome revelation

that they were all descended from the first man to give an unsolicited explanation of Bitcoin, while Emily Bellinger, Stuart Whittingham, Sarah Coles and Isaac Baggily were all distantly related to the original dentist to make people feel guilty about inadequate floss use. The lineage of Pete O'Bee, Catherine Hart and Iris Rawlsthorne could be traced back to the first tribe to lionize heavy petting and municipal libraries. Chris Mitchell's great-great uncle was Spanish flu. Bareface Hayes had an ancestor who in 78 AD, while passing Mount Vesuvius, noticed a little sulfur guff from the summit but didn't tell anyone. And the friar, Dan Grey, Simone Atgullion and Milo Boyd, all found they were descended from a sprig of ragweed that gave Abraham Lincoln a rash on his arse. Thanks

all. Okay, that's the show. We'll finish off with the version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. And this week's is from Tim from Australia, Keinton Australia, and he says he's discovered an old recording from the 1960s that might be of interest. Thanks, that's him. And everyone else, see you next time. Thanks, Tim. Thanks, everybody. Cheerio! Thank you, bye.