Three Bean Salad - The Netherlands

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

Steven of Utrecht gets the beans wagging them tongues about the Netherlands to kick the new season off. And why the bloody hell not? After all the beans have all visited that great nation in the past and therefore it’s safe to assume each has taken a deep, deep, deep dive into its history, culture and miscellaneous to the point where an informative yet entertaining conversation will surely be second nature. ¡Feliz cumpleaños!Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Welcome back to a new series. Welcome back. Welcome. Here we go. Of Three Bean Salad, the show where three men talk about a topic. But first we have a short, although sometimes longer than the topic, chat about how we've been. Yeah.

And we've got some big news. Mike has got an opium habit. That is true actually. Yes. That is true. I've got it right here. Here's my little bottle of oral morphine. Oh wow. It's quite a big bottle. Let's have a look at that. There you go. Or a morph. I'll give you a little for the listener. Is that below the counter sort of? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Around these parts, yeah. I didn't see that as a mainstream medicine.

It feels more like the Silk Wars era. There's my syringe so I can put it wherever I like it. Oh wow. Why do you need a syringe? Well, it comes with a dosing spoon. Again, it's a different era. This is Victorian medicine, isn't it? Dosing spoons haven't been used for hundreds of years.

Now the dosing spoon is fine for your sticky, your cowpoles, your lactulose, for example, you know, your thick, gloopy stool softeners and so on. But for the more watery or a morph, that'll just go everywhere and half of your sweet stuff will be down your trousers before you know it. So if you want to measure out the dose for a non-lossy dragon chase, syringe every time. If you get also if you get that kind of stuff on your trousers, it's a liquid isn't it? But with many of the so many of the qualities of a solid it's almost because they're so thick and gloopy isn't it? It's like you're wet with solid. But Mike's saying it's not gloopy, he's saying that it's not gloopy enough to be on a spoon. Well often we talk across purposes.

That's part of the podcast. It's on brand. Mike, have you been saying non gloopy the whole time? The Oromorph is non gloopy. The dosing spoon is good for the gloopy, but that's why I went, I grabbed, I got syringe instead because I was, I was losing the pressure sweet stuff down in my chinos. Mike, what is... Yeah.

I don't want to waste a drop, you understand. So Mike, genuinely, what is an Oromorph? It's morphine. It just means oral morphine. It's just liquid morphine. And what is the difference between, I've never answered this, morphine and heroin? Heroin is illegal. This is the important bit to me. Heroin is illegal. Okay. Heroin is

illegal manufactured, they're brought along to the same family. Opiates, the opiates, opioids from the opiates from the, from the poppy, right? So it's the same drug, same process, but that's like heroin is a sort of highly refined and usually injected occasionally smoked form and usually injected occasionally smoked form of opiate that is illegal and not controlled. This is what it's known as on the street. You may also call it smack horse. Scaz. Mrs. Bitremin's fun cream. Andy Herbert's whoopsies. Exactly. We can go on and on. And Orimoff, so Mike, are you injecting? Because it's quite, I've never heard of anyone needing to inject a liquid into their own

mouth. Normally you just drink. You might do that for like a puppy or a kitten. Yes. Yeah, exactly. I've done it for Bluebell in fact. I have injected liquids into Blueboswell. Bluebell, Bluebell, soft and gentle and wise and kind.

Bluebell, Bluebell, soft and gentle and wise and kind. Bluebell, Bluebell, soft and gentle and wise and kind. Bluebell, Bluebell, soft and gentle and wise and kind. Bluebell, Bluebell, soft and gentle and wise and kind. Bluebell, Bluebell, soft and gentle and kind. Bluebell, Bluebell, soft and gentle and kind. Bluebell, Bluebell, soft and gentle and kind. I have injected liquids into Blue Bell. There she flies like a furry star Well there we go, I'm treating myself as well as you would treat Bluebell But that's because Bluebell in that situation is very hard to control She needs like three or four loving hands, you know, gently holding her down Yes, yes, yes, again, same thing is happening Same with you

And needs to be caressed from several sides There's a lot of stuff like shouting things like, oh no, we've got too much of it in the fur. That also happens or down the ears or on the floor. And yeah, maybe he'll lick some of the stuff up that's on the floor. And does that enough? Does that count? Do we need to go again? Yeah. All of that is happening.

And also while doing it, often there'll be a subset conversation going on about, you know, by the way, hopefully we'll get all this liquid in, on a separate topic, are they still shitting in the bath? And do you ever enter him for shows? Have you considered entering him for shows? So you inject it into your mouth, so has it got a thick nozzle? Can you show that again? Sorry, it's got a thick nozzle, has it? Well, the syringe? Yeah. It's just a syringe. Just it's just a common garden. It doesn't have a pin at the end. A needle? No, no, it's just a syringe. So you inject it into your mouth? Yeah, so it's a non-lossy process. I know exactly how much I'm giving myself. Okay. I'm in control, you understand. I'm in perfect control of

the situation. Mike, why have you started taking medicine grade smack? I've, I've smashed my ribs up. You are going to need to play the jingle because this is classic middle-aged provincial man situation. Here we go. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat! Who's hit my bloody walking boots? I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday, I'm just saying I asked for rum raisin.

Get your skates on kids, otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see Blood Brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course I've kept the warranty information darling. Was it in an argument with another man over whatever the benefits or not of those egg barbecue sets and just turn into a fistfight? It's funny that you mentioned egg specifically because the story sort of begins with egg. Egg is the tortoise who lives next door.

Egg has gone missing. What? So we're putting out, this is a bean announcement, isn't it? This is a bean public safety announcement we're putting out. If you see egg, do not approach. Just call the authorities. We don't know which authorities that would be. Just call any authority you can think of. Hopefully they'll refer you to...

Because the authorities, they know each other. They know what they do. Just keep going. Tortoises do tend to fall through the gaps in the emergency services, isn't it? It's not strictly a fire hazard. It's probably not the NHS or the fire brigade. Not lifeboats, unless it's incredibly lost. DGSE.

We don't really know exactly who it is necessarily. Is it actually the RAC? It could be. The RAC could or the fire brigade. Not lifeboats unless it's incredibly lost. DGSE. We don't really know exactly who it is necessarily. Essentially the RAC. It could be the RAC. It could be the Mounties. We're not quite sure. So is it that your next door neighbour came round and said, we've lost our tortoise egg. They looked at your face, saw your new tortoise shell,

horn rimmed reading glasses, put two and two together and started smashing your ribs. Yeah. I mean, that's one version of the story. Absolutely. Yeah. You're bang on. You shouldn't have opened the door, openly eating cereal out of your tortoiseshell. Of my prey's own bowl. Yeah. It was self-bowled. And mounting his little head on that little wooden plinth. Okay, I'm not against it as an idea, but you shouldn't have had it as your front door knocker.

It's just arrogant. I mean, you saw it as hiding in plain sight, I suppose. He won't suspect. I've got a tortoise head door knocker on the same day his tortoise has gone missing. It's too perfect. In a way that's how he'll know I'm innocent. He'll have to, he'll have to discount me from the beginning. Okay. Anyway, so got so so Matt, I said Mike, sorry. Yeah, Mike. That's okay. I mean, how many series are we in? Yeah, no, it's fine. Don't worry about it. It is a common name. They're both common names, aren't they? They're both big hitters in the M starting name as well.

Yeah. No, but also the great thing about listening to podcasts is it's just like listening in on three good old friends. Isn't it? That's one of the nice things about listening to a podcast. When you're that close, it doesn't matter if you know what someone's name is or not. Exactly. Yeah. Anyway, go on.

So Egg is missing. Egg's missing? Egg is missing. Egg has had his pre-hibernation ablutions. What does that mean? Does that mean he's gone to the toilet? He's had a big old shit, but he also gets sort of lathered. He gets sort of salon treatment.

He quite likes it apparently. But before the hibernation, so he's about to go down for his winter hibernation, is he? Yeah. Yeah. Well, for which he's got a special hutch all, all it's all done. It's all laid up. It's real nice. It's tricked out.

And he's had his like spa, he has a kind of spa session. Pre hibernation spa treatments, the works, and then he was left unattended briefly and he's recently learned to climb astonishingly. So he just, he's sort of clambered over the boundary walls. We assume so. That's extraordinary. I've never seen a tortoise climbing up a wall. If I'm ready to feel that someone's lying, if I'm collecting witness papers, the bit about the self-taught. This is account number one. This is account number literally never it's Rashomon all over again unless

he's a Dracula unless he's a um you think he can transform into a man that can transform as into a bat yeah unless he's like another option he might be a vampiric tortoise i don't know because i'm just remembering the bit in Dracula where he's the countess seen climbing up the wall of the castle it's quite it's quite an unnerving moment in the form of a tortoise. Mike, this is really reminding me of I'm currently massively into true crime podcasts. Oh yeah. Finger on the pulse. And apparently a lot of murders actually go unsolved. I guess it's really reminding me of I feel like I'm listening to it on my true crime pods.

Ah, well, I think yet I think you've bang on there because like them, there is no satisfactory ending to this anecdote. And it's not worth the time it's already taking. Well if it helps find egg. Well, this is the thing. So there's been a big egg hunt going on basically throughout like our little garden, their garden. There's a few gardens where we think he's gone, he's found somewhere to hibernate. What we're hoping is that he's found somewhere else to hibernate. And he'll reemerge next spring. For love and money, we cannot find him anywhere. Obviously, there are other fears, dread fears, but we don't know.

He's been non-human trafficked. Well, yeah, exactly. I don't know. He might be working as an enforcer in Bosnia or something. We don't know. Sorry to backtrack. Had he already had the spa treatment or was he about to have the spa? He had had, he was ready to go. So maybe he's in the tortoise world. Maybe he's really sexy at the moment.

Oh yeah. And he's just making the most of that. Yeah. But it's that when, if you can't imagine if that's when you feel horny is to the tortoise if you if you had pre hibernation feeding frenzy, even if you have just had your your back crack and sack down or whatever the tortoise equivalent of that is. It's mainly shell waxing, isn't it? I guess. Waxing and buffing. So also, they're quite animals are quite particular about times of year, aren't they, for reproductions? I imagine that's spring.

Because of the spring tortoises that you see gambling in the fields. Yeah. Every March. Wearing the little sexy little- Bonnets. The sexy little bonnets. And just very sort of wide squat high heels, the females will sometimes wear quite tight chinos. The men will wear quite tight chinos, but the males. Do you think that's the key, Henry, to be successful in making tight chinos?

Tight chinos. But often there's a lot of confusion as to whether it's a four trunk trouser or a two trunk trouser, isn't it? We don't get into that debate again. As to whether the front two legs are actually arms. In which case it's leather driving gloves that we're wearing. But for me, the big true crime mystery here really is how do we go from missing tortoise to smashed up ribs? So I was, the garden is quite sort of narrow is the thing. It's narrow and the bushes, bushes on either side and on my hands and knees trying to sort of find locations where egg was.

Mike, did you, did the thought go through your mind? Think like egg. Of course. If you're going to find egg, become egg. Yeah. So you put yourself in for a spa treatment. Why I made love to a female tortoise. And then I hid under a bowl. Yeah. But none of it worked.

Didn't work. But it was, I through neglect, I'm not a very good gardener and through the neglect of the various bushes and brambles that have overgrown a bit, I was making the search even harder. So I thought I've got to hack some of this back. So I began hacking some back and having begun hacking something back, I noticed that we got this sort of bay tree thing that again has been neglected. So it's going quite high and broad and it's taking up a lot of space. I thought I'm going to lop off the top of that. So I got my...

How's that going to help? There's no way that this climbing tortoise is... Well, you think walls aren't enough for him? Is that upper tree? I don't think he was nesting, but this is Mission Creep, Mike. Classic Mission Creep. Exactly. It is classic Mission Creep. And so I've got my sort of extend that bloody metal, slightly very phallic, let's face it. I've actually drawn balls on it. It's an overtly phallic machine that I get to use. Isn't it? Oh, Mike. Yes, exactly. So I've got the cocksaw.

I needed to get up a... I was on like a seven foot high platform ladder to try and get it. No one else was about. And so no one else was there to steady it. But I did think, it seems to be reasonable. I'll put it near a wall and then maybe if it falls that way. This is such a blundering approach. The delicate game of chess essentially, which is finding a lost tortoise. I mean, it's about empathy.

It's about psychology. And you are just the absolute, you're like the sort of the baddies in Avatar. You're like, just get more choppers in, take down the whole garden. But we'll have no babe. Our sources will not be. Doesn't matter. Take it down.

So I got up to the top of the island, was reaching up with my arms to try and- I know what happens next, Mike. What happens next? You're at the top of the seven foot ladder. You've to try and... I know what happens next, Mike. Yeah, what happens next? You're at the top of the seven foot ladder. You've got the long chainsaw on a stick. You're about to chop off the top of the tree. You look down.

Who's at the bottom of the ladder? It's egg. Pushing it over. Just giving it a little nudge. Well, I predictably then went completely A over T and just fell immediately and landed. I mean, the earth was quite soft, but I did land on a brick, but my first thought was, sweet mother of God, please let that be a brick and not the tortoise. Thank God. What a moment when you had to check, when you had to reach underneath yourself.

Yeah, and see what was dug into my flank. And you pulled it out. And was undoubtedly the, the dead eyes of a headed tortoise in your hand. And you're like, I'm going to have to tell quite the anecdote on the podcast to cover this up. God. Yeah. You fell onto a brick.

Yeah. And yeah, in the words of a mutual friend of ours, Ben, I, yeah, I smashed fucked myself. It was kind of fine. That was on the Saturday and it was sort of all right. So I was just hobbling about and it was sort of painful. I couldn't be bothered to deal with it because there was nothing can be done. But then two days later, I, I absolutely, I sort of twisted. It was on the left, really. I twisted to the right to pick something up off the floor. And it's a movement I shouldn't have done. And as I did so, there was a sort of sound from my rib cage on the left accompanied by the most extraordinary pain I've ever experienced in my life. Basically, I think the, my rib cage went, opened up like the jaws of a hungry,

hungry hippo. Couldn't move for a bit. Oh my god. So that pain, was that your rib digging into like your liver or something? Well, your spleen. Ben, I mean- Ben, what you're forgetting is how hard it is to digest an average sized male adolescent tortoise. And what it does to you in San Morgan. Especially if it's had to be eaten in a hurry, swallowed

whole for example. Of course this is all an elaborate story. It's an elaborate story. No go on. I wasn't sure what I'd done to myself. I mean I already thought from the original injury that I hadn't for example punctured my spleen because I hadn't died in the night on Saturday night. Yeah.

Right. Hang on, where is your spleen? I didn't know where my spleen is really. To me, I thought the spleen isn't't that one of those medieval organs which doesn't really exist? It was just made up. It was a medieval mistake. It was made up by Gerald of Monmouth. I think it's a Gerald of Monmouth thing. It's like, oh, his spleen must be hard. Bleed his eyes. That is true. But it is so pivotal to both literature and religious iconography that the truth can't come out.

Exactly, which has been too much rethinking. It's too big to collapse basically. It's like HSBC. I can picture lungs, I can picture brain, I can picture pancreas. Although when I picture I always quickly, I always quickly pictures some pancreas station and then I have to work back from there. But I can't really picture Spleen. What is it exactly? It's odd to hear that because out of the three of us, I mean admittedly I've studied, but

you're the only person who would have been paid to draw a Spleen. I've illustrated a book about the internal organs and I can't remember the Spleen. I literally can't remember the Spleen character. If anyone should have been able to visualize it. Or is it erased? Is it dumped? Once you've drawn something, have you expelled it from your mind? No, normally I would remember something.

Think Henry, is it Cedric the spleen? I think it was Cedric the spleen and he was portrayed as a medieval sort of ironmonger. That's how I portrayed him. There we go. Well, what does the spleen do? It sort of cleans up your blood basically. Cleans your blood? I thought that was the liver.

Liver does a bit of that kind of stuff. Liver also processes what you've eaten, like your blood will throw through what you've absorbed from your intestines and clean out any sort of toxins and all that kind of stuff. But yeah, spleenol, filthy blood, make white blood cells for infection. Pretty handy. But you can live without it, right? You can, but back in the day, if you'd had a splenectomy from like a bad injury, then

you'd have to have like, like, like lots of vaccines and lifelong antibiotics and stuff. It was real hassle. Oh, okay. I think that happens very often these days. Was yours being punctured? Did you say? No. No. No. And I worked out by not being dead. Okay. So yeah, so that's all it was on Monday that I then I then went in to get myself double checked to make sure I hadn't done myself a bonus mischief. And I hadn't done a bonus, but they, they, that's when they gave me some, some of the sweet stuff. They were amazing actually in any, they were awesome.

And they fixed me up in short order and give me some sweet, sweet painkillers. Any provincial middle-aged man story of this nature has to involve at least a 48 hour waiting to go to, to seek any kind of medical help. Yeah. Because there's other stuff you want to get done in the meantime. Yeah. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine, darling. I'll just hold on to my lower jaw and move it up and down when I need to speak. But then there's a lot of just denial, isn't there, about needing medical help in that situation? It's okay, darling. We've got two spleens,

haven't we? Not only one. Oh, okay. in that situation. It's okay darling, we've got two spleens haven't we? Not only one, oh okay. Puts a broiler of spleen off Gerald can't I? What would you mean? No and also we don't know anyone called Gerald. You're right, I thought that's true. So when you mentioned your spleen in A&E, did you explicitly mention balancing your

humours or black bile and any of that? Yeah, yeah, they covered all of my humours. I had an excess of orange phlegm, an excess of the bile of vice. But otherwise other things were balanced and they sort of bled me from the back. I was fine. And all you have to do is eat a Bishop's Tide every Thursday now, isn't it? Out of his mitre. But he can't know you're doing it. It's gonna take quite a lot of organizing every time. So um, I want to know, I want to know so many darned questions, Mike. Really? Okay. So one thing I

want to know is, how did you land on the brick? So which bit of your body hit the brick my back my sort of left side of my back. That's all left flank Okay, did you have time you know because when you're falling Hmm often it feels like time's standing still they say doesn't yeah Did you see any sort of highlights of your friendship with me, that kind of thing? You weren't in the slideshow, I'm sorry to say. No, fine. That's okay.

It's quite a short fall, isn't it? It's only a bedroom. It's a short fall. If it had been a nine footer, of course. If it had been a nine footer. But I mostly had time to reflect that if I was about to do myself a life-changing injury, this is an absolutely pathetic way of doing it. And just not anecdote worthy enough.

You were looking for a tortoise. And that's why you went up the tree to cut the top off. I'm sorry, Mike, me and I've talked to David Cameron. Prime Minister. I've caught the pre talk to the well, the ex Tory prime minister and foreign secretary. And neither of us are interested in investing in your uplifting film about how you've dealt with all your medical problems. Because of the fact that the key incident is you looking for a lost tortist by shaving the top off a bay tree. It means never going to be turned into an uplifting story. I'm sorry. So David Cameron doesn't want to invest, Liz Trust doesn't want to invest.

Too much to explain. It's too waffly. It's too woolly. It's too woolly. It doesn't make sense. I don't know why you're approaching ex prime ministers as well for investment. Kwatang is out. Kwatang actually is the only one who's actually quite interested, which is a very bad sign. Bring him in. I'm glad the mini-bunge it was. He wants a product placement angle. He's basically going to have to be carrying a copy of his book in every single scene,

as does every other character in the movie. So Egg remains missing? Egg remains missing. That's bad news, but hopefully as you say, he's just... There are lots of sweet spots in this. It's credible that he could have found a really good cosy spot. Because there's no actual predileces for tortoise, right? In Britain? There are lots of sweet spots and it's credible that he could have found a really good cosy spot. Because there's no actual predators for tortoise, right? In Britain?

Why didn't it be there? I wouldn't put it past a fox just in the name of chaos. Do you know what I mean? But couldn't they just retreat into their shell and then a fox has got nothing? What if it, well unless it sort of turns the shell over a bit, sort of pokes in one of the holes a bit. Or, Mike, or Ben, if it, well like obviously the London urban foxes are a different breed now. Well they have access to bangers, don't they?

They've access to bangers. See, like a couple of bangers, one in each limb, two in the back leg's hole, two in the front arm's hole, or front leg's holes, one down the head hole. That tortoise is coming out pretty fast. But these are, these are kind of Devon foxes. These are just, you know, charming country foxes. Luscious, charming, you know, Kenny. Aaron sweater wearing.

Very much so. Well, best of luck to egg. That's the main thing. Yeah, good luck egg. So tell me, I was thinking actually, I was thinking hibernation, that's over the winter, isn't it? Winter months. So they wake up in spring.

When is spring in your mind, roughly? When does it start Winter months, they wake up in spring. When is spring in your mind? Roughly? When does it start? March, I think. So spring, spring, let's go March, April, for the purposes of what I'm about to say. Easter. Yeah. Wham's Easter egg searches. Oh, mama found an egg. Lovely stuff. I found I found egg. Is it chocolate egg? egg I said let's find out by cutting it in half no wasn't a chocolate egg and it's tragedy all over again I've cut it in half with a spade mum as a child ordinarily would do in the back garden with a miniature chocolate egg. To check if it was really a chocolate egg.

You'd think, oh god, they're so realistic now these eggs. They've made one which looks like a tortoise and actually moves around. It's a tortoise that's been named egg. It's not realistic at all. And it actually goes stop, stop, don't as you wield the shovel. Oh dear. I am found a dog this week. I lost dog. Yeah. I went for a walk in the countryside. It's quite a long story. But basically, this guy

I'm already starting to feel you've stolen a dog Ben. Again, because there's another one where it's tricky to if you've seen a dog in the country, you've been put in the back of your convertible Saab. It came with a dog walker attached. It's really convenient. With a screaming dog walker. What happened? I was walking along and an old lady said, have you lost a dog? I said no.

You've got that look about you. Sorry, sir. She said, oh, okay. Well, I found a dog and I've given it to a farmer. Oh, that's a good move. He'll sausage it before you know sausage. It's his instincts. So I went for my walk. And on the way back to my car, I came across a man looking panicked and I thought he looks like a man who maybe has lost a dog. So I said, have you lost your dog? And he said, yes. But he's also lost his wife because she got looking for the dog, but then he couldn't find his wife and there was no reception.

And he's like, I can't lose both in one go. That's never happened. Not both. So I said, look, I'll go and try and find the farmer who's got your dog and you go and find your wife. Then I had to go to the village, knocks on doors. You took control of the situation, Ben. I'm quite impressed. I did feel quite good about myself. I knocked on some doors, spoke to some local people. Then a man said, oh, I'll take you to the farmer.

But then he couldn't walk me all the way to the farm because he realized that a woman was coming around to give some medicine to his hedgehogs. I can't say, all these anecdotes you're doing are completely reinforcing my views of non London life, of life beyond zone five. All it is is a series of mishaps involving tortoises, dogs, hedgehogs and wives. Oh, Egg, you think you carry your home on your shoulders, but you don't. That's not the truth. Your home is next door to Mike with Bob and Ruth Bosniak

Hello Mike. Hi I'm just editing the most recent beans episode and I've got a little question for you. OK, shoot. Your next door neighbours who own the tortoise egg. Ah yes. Are they called Bob and Ruth? No. I mean, even if they were, I don't think we want to be releasing their names on the pod. Okay, then it's a... Ah, okay. They're not called Bob and Ruth?

No, why... What about Ruth? Is it like another name and Ruth? No. This feels like a bit of a shot in the dark, Ben, unless there's something else telling me. What about, is one of their names like even a half rhyme with truth? Are they called Poppy and Duluth? No, not even, there's no rhyme, half rhyme, not even a sniff of assilance, I'm afraid, with the name Ruth. Sorry. What is this? What are you up to, Ben?

No, don't worry about that. Come on, spill the beans. What are you doing? You're up to something. I can sniff it. No, no, no. I'm just wondering. I was actually just wondering. It's just one of those things. I wonder if they're called Bob and Ruth. You don't idly wonder. Ben, if there's one thing anyone knows about you, you don't idly wonder. You have a scheme. What is it? No, there's nothing to worry about. Alright, thanks Mike. Bye.

Bye. Mike Tore opened his chest for you He cracked his ribs asunder Please tell us which push you're sleeping under Ladies and gentlemen on the electric guitar, Nigel Havers Oh, what's this? Hello? Ben, it's Mike. Oh, hi Mike. Hiya. This thing about my next door neighbors. Yeah, Bob and Ruth. Yeah, I can't concentrate, it's dwelling on me. What are you doing? You're doing something. I want you to cough it up now.

What do you mean? You're writing one of your little songs, aren't you? No. You are. Be truthful, because it's not appropriate for you to be writing jingles about my next door neighbours. No, I guess that is fair, yeah. What's happening? Have you made it already? Well, I'm in the process of.

Oh, Ben, how many times? I think you're I think you're stifling my creativity, Mike. I think that's what's happening. Which is what I'm here for. That is my job on the podcast. If you want to write a jingle, you have to run it up the flagpole at the top of the flagpole. There's me and I get it or I know it. I'm nailing it. Okay, do you understand? Yes. Right. Kibed. Thank you.

Good day, Benjamin. See ya. Bye. Bye. Nigel? Yeah, I don't think you needed, sorry. I'll see you at darts, though. Now, before we turn on the bean machine, an announcement about merchandise. If you go to three beans salad shop.com, this fresh new merch Henry's been busy in his little cabin. I've been hard at it in my little illustration cabin. There are new t-shirts, but more exciting than that. Not to do down the excitement of the new teachers. But for me, the most exciting

thing is there's a new jigsaw. There's a new jigsaw people. There's a new three beans salad jigsaw. Well, the last one caused quite a stir, didn't it? This one's quite different. I think the last one ended marriages. Yeah, it pushed a lot of people to the edge, didn't it? But actually, a lot of people came back from the edge stronger. Very much so. Yeah, absolutely. And with a steely determination to to um, to buy another jigsaw and or anonymously murder people in service stations. There was two ways of responding to it. It really was a mindcracker, but this one is, um, I think I like to, I

think it's gonna be challenging, but, but more within the normal scope of, you know, sort of, I'm not breaking the sort of human rights code. Yeah. I'm not breaking the human rights act as much as I was in the last one. Yeah. You're not going to get an Interpol red notice like you did last time for this. I'm out of the FBI's most wanted. I'm out of the top 10 now for the first time in a year.

A big, big shout out to El Chapo, who's gone back into the top 10 as Henry dropped out. That's right. He's back in my birth. He's taking my birth back off me. Chappell who's gone back into the top 10 as Henry dropped out. So that's right. He's back in my birth. He's taking my birth back off me. Yeah. Cause the previous jigsaw I designed it. It, I, I wasn't obeying the basic rules of jigsaws.

I didn't know them, which is don't have a huge expanse of just blue. I was fresh. I was young. I was like, I'm not going to love bloody horny when I was designing it. I was, we all remember our first jigsaw that we designed, don't we? And yeah, basically, I didn't know the rules. So I didn't even know if I was breaking them. This jigsaw is like a whodunit. It respects the rules of whodunit, which is it was the first witness that gets interviewed whodunit. Isn't it? That's what happens in a who done it.

Normally the most famous actor as well. If it's Neil Morrissey, you're like, Oh, it's him. Oh, it's James Nesbitt. That's probably him. It's not going to be the guy I'm having to look up on IMDB, Stuart Winchester. It's not going to be Stuart Winchester, is it? I've had to look him up on IMDB. So the previous jigsaw I did was a bit like watching a Who Done It where it was Stuart Winchester who done it. And they'd be absolutely furious. Whereas this one is challenging but within the rules of the game essentially. I think it's really good, genuinely.

I mean I'm not necessarily a huge aficionado but I think this one, yeah, I think you've done it. I think you've cracked it. It's a good jigsaw I think, yeah, it's not just endless sea. It's not endless desert. It's not just the inky depths of space and nothing else. Exactly. It's busy.

Put false. It's busy. Yeah. And it's only two pieces this time as well. It's two pieces. So it's basically, it's almost just like a mouse pad, isn't it? I mean, it's almost like a placemat. If it wasn't for the one...

It's like a make your own placemat. It's a make your own placemat. Although you know what I did consider, because there is a little bit of part of me which is a bit of a punk when it comes to these things, because you show me a rule book, where is it? I don't know, because I've already thrown it out the window before you showed it to me. I came in and I came to the meeting room early. I took the rule book that you were going to give me, I threw it out the window, replaced it with a book called There Are No Fucking Rules by Henry Pate.

And you didn't actually come to the meeting early, you came to the previous meeting that late. Exactly, because I didn't come to meetings early. I was that late with the previous meeting. I had to walk by to put in a meeting just so I could be late for it. Just with me actually. So that's not why I was technically using it as an office space, not as a meeting. But it doesn't mean, you know, Carol doesn't ask questions. But why did you order all the catering though Henry, it was just you. They brought in 20 pastries.

They've come from a different budget, Carol, don't they? And as we know, Carol, you can help with self-dough pastry. And more than that, if you want, depending on how your marriage is going, how's your marriage going? Are you seducing Carol? No, I think he's offering another pastry to Carol's spouse. I don't know. It gets so confusing with that. Sexual politics between me and Carol, I'm just going to write a book about it. Which is the other book, Underneath the rule book, which you've inadvertently just

give me a book deal on by signing up a piece of paper. Which Carol's now, Carol is now throwing out the window. Also, by the way, but then if any of you notice his meeting room doesn't have a window, so. Cause it's a cell because you're in police custody because you're that much of a rebel. Because of all the emails you've been sending, Carole, it's not okay anymore. For fuck's sake. Right. Anyway, that's what it's like doing the jigsaw.

Not only is the new stuff on the website, three beans salad shop.com. If you were to buy from the website between the sixth, which is the Friday coming up and the eighth of December. So that's Friday to Sunday 2024 postage is free. That's a sweet, sweet deal. And for the first time we've got a beefcake Jenny t-shirt. Oh, yeah. Perfect for any gym buddies that you might have or just anyone. And also don't reduce the market. And we don't narrow the market. Henry, don't reduce the market. Henry don't narrow the market. Henry don't narrow the market. Henry perfect for everyone. You might know if it fits on a V shaped chest or any shape chest, any shape chest. Perfect for a wedding christening.

It's for whatever. Um, also it must be a religious service. It has to be religious service. Or also there's a flightless bird zone t-shirt, which people have probably been clamouring for for ages maybe. Yeah, that's my favourite. Yeah, there's a Flightless Bird t-shirt as well. There's also a whole new range of Bluebell based merch.

That's right. And maybe a few little secret surprises. Are there? I don't think there are. Anyway, 3beansaladshop.com is the place to go. Okay, let's turn on the bean machine. Yes, please. OK, this week's topic, as sent in by Steven from Utrecht. Ooh, thank you, Steven. Thanks, Steven.

Is the Netherlands. Fair play. Fair play. You've got to give that a fair play, haven't you? Known also, I mean, I know they're not the same thing. Holland is a word that's thrown around. Yeah. I think Holland is to the Netherlands as England is to the United Kingdom.

Right. Okay. Oh, really? What in the Netherlands itself includes Wales, Northern Ireland, Scotland. When you say the Netherlands. Not only one of the Dutch equivalent of Wales and Scotland. Yes. Which is what? A bit of it. Smaller provinces. I think Holland is the biggest bit of the Netherlands. I might be

wrong. No, I think you're exactly right. I think you're bang on. But those little extra bits, we don't know what they are, do we? No, I'm going to name one. I'm going to name one. The bit of the Netherlands that I can remember the name of, I think is Friesland. Friesland. Frisjland. Which is where Frisjens are from. The pony! The dog! The jumper!

I don't know what it is. No, Britain's most populous cow. Oh, sorry. Frisjens cows. Yeah. Are they from Holland? Yeah. Is that the classic kid's cow, the black and white, that square body, black patches? Yeah. Lovely feminine eyes.

Massive adders that are a bit too big for them that have been, give them leg problems. Yeah. We've really bred them into a corner of those animals, but yeah, that's what you're talking about. I think the Netherlands is like an agricultural powerhouse isn't it? There's a lot of big... Covered conservatories sort of thing. Yeah, greenhouses. Is that tulips and veg? Well, I think it's also like veg.

Is it just very fertile land? Yeah, I guess it must be. But listen, if you want to know the history of the Netherlands and also the history of the economic structures of Europe, it's basically about irrigation. Over to you. Is it something to do with irrigation and flatness and banking? They suddenly like and tulips and veg and banking and irrigation, isn't it? Also I feel like, you know, like the history of Europe. So Britain and France have got this antagonistic relationship that sort of still exists in the columns of Clarkson. Right.

And there's a kind of like cultural memory of the fact that they've been our enemy and we had to fight Napoleon. It sort of hangs around the public consciousness, I think. Both in Britain and France. I think like in France, there's that thing of like any idiom that's like negative is all about Britain. So it's like, he has quite a British face. He's a very ugly man. You've Britain all over the sheets again. Yeah.

So there's this kind of cultural memory of that, but I don't feel like we have any of that with the Netherlands. I've got no idea. Were we at war with the low countries? Were they our valued ally? I've got no idea. That's interesting, isn't it? I think they would have been in and out of alliances, wouldn't they, in the sort of colonial era? Well, we've got a bit of royal blood stuff. It's the William of Orange that has all that line, isn't it?

Yeah, he was Dutch. He was Dutch. And he, did he have some descendants who sat on our throne or... And they're sort of Protestant, he writes, maybe that's part of it. See that bit is sort of Protestant, so if there were people getting involved in papist plots, this is me really, I mean, you know this, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm desperately trying to scrabble in the limited knowledge I have for something somewhere about something. Luckily, I've managed to create my persona around the idea of ignorant pig.

Yeah. So luckily, which makes it quite easy for me. Slightly charming ignorant pig. But if you wanted to get involved in a plot against some papists, you'd be more likely to sort of, you know, talk to your friends over, over in Holland, right? And some, some conspirator in France. Yeah, because Holland, it's non-chinsey, isn't it? It's austere. So it's like wood paneling, you know, like those Vermeer interiors is wood paneling.

Yeah, jugs. Jugs. Jugs. Plain jugs. Yeah. They'll be basically almost all the sensuality and sort of licentiousness has to be expressed through the medium of painting jugs. The most incredibly curvaceous, glossy, shiny jugs just in the background. In the foreground there'll be an austere looking guy with a skull next to him holding a holding a scroll and just looking really really grim faced. But you look at that jug top right that corner on that shelf in the corner that jug and it's basically essentially was the porn of its day wasn't it? Yeah. You'd

look at a picture of a jug. Find a jug under a bush. Yeah. Smugly at home. And of course that the 1980s porn industry essentially descended from that isn't it? That's why Top Shelf, Top Shelf magazines because often often that drugs on the top shelf in the back of a Dutch interior. Well, that's what was the printing press was invented to see if we can make drugs flat and therefore transport them more easily. That was the whole purpose initially. I don't think it was printing by exactly being a Dutch interior.

So it's the whereas yeah, obviously your paper interior has got a lot of velvet, a lot of oh yeah, loads of paintings of people getting shot by arrows, by a little baby with wings and all that kind of business. All that sort of business. So Amsterdam is a fantastic place. I'm not the first to say that, but I've been to Amsterdam quite a few times over the years and what happens is as you go through life, your experience in Amsterdam changes and essentially you move further away from the station.

Amsterdam changes. And essentially you move further away from the station. So when you first go to Amsterdam, it's on just like, holiday, sort of lads holidays and stuff. Anyway, I did. I went, I've been once and I went on holiday with my parents and I was probably 13. So that was my first Amsterdam. Okay. So that's, that was a probably, I'm picturing. A lot of weed smoke. It's weed, it's sex booths. It's your mother and father hiring a sex booth while you took photos of it from the street. And then the Van Gogh

museum. Well, they give you a cannabis infused wimpy burger. There's like a penis museum or something. Of course there is. So's the central bit around the station is basically the most, it's kind of hell on earth, but I loved it as a, as a, as when I went as a pro, like an 18 to 20 year old or that kind of, but it's basically around the station. There's like horrible multi-level pubs. There's like the sex museum. It's just like utterly grotty and seedy neon lit really depressing sort of sex worker areas, everyone's smoking doobie. And it's just like, absolutely hideous, I'd say, on almost any scale.

But that's also true of any area near a station in Europe. I might have mentioned this before, because I stayed in Frankfurt overnight, because I was getting a plane from Frankfurt, because it was cheaper if I stayed in Frankfurt overnight. So I was like, I go for it. I thought I'll find a hotel near the station. Cause that'll be easy for me to get to the airport and the area on the station was so seedy that I got back to my room after having gone for a little walk around and had to Google the words. Can you passively smoke crack?

Oh my God. Wow. Can you passively end up in a sex booth? Really grossy. But I get the sense that Amsterdam's like, that's still a fun bit, right? Or is it not at all fun? It's just more flagrant in Amsterdam though, right? And there's, there's, there is a very specific reason that a lot of people are there or two reasons why a lot of like, yeah, that's on tour. I think we've talked about this before, but that's because I think we have talked about this and we worked out it's because stations are the ports of the land. Yeah, I remember that phrase.

Yeah, that phrase changed my life. So yeah, I do remember. It's ended the vernacular. So it has stations are the ports of the land. And obviously it's just taken as read that port will have drugs and dockside bars, dockside bars, bordellos, yeah, bordellos, dodgy deals happening. But also you can change, you know, you can buy a new face, you can change your, you can start again. In a way there, there might be some interesting street poetry and stuff, but you know what I mean? Like it's also places where actually culture ferments, new life can grow.

If anyone's been to Euston for example. You'll have noticed there's a mezzanine Leon for example. A pretty decent sized WH Smith. Yeah, it's not bad that WH Smith. The other thing which Central Amsterdam has, which I remember thinking was the coolest thing ever on these early trips to Amsterdam was, again, we may have discussed this a quite long time ago on the pod, it's called Fibo. Do you know what that is? No, you've definitely mentioned feebo feebo remember

was this weird, slightly sort of analog prediction of what the future of food might look like that sort of from like the 80s, which is basically you walk into it's kind of felt very Blade Runner. It's basically a street side sort of set of shelving. And you put money in you select from a photo from a photo you select some sort of breadcrumb coated deep fried cheese ball and it could be like a ham cheese ball or a mustard cheese ball and you and you put the money in and then and then you wait for a second then a little a little cupboard flips

open and there's a just inside there's a little shelf and the, your, your hot cheese, your hot ham and cheese, bread crumb covered hot cheese bowl is sitting in it. And you take it out, bite into it and scream in agony. That feels like probably it was a progenitor of a Scrag. Exactly. It was very much a pre-Scrug. It was, it was a progenitor of Scrag. And yet there was more, more choice than Sc And yet there was more choice than Scrag.

There was more choice than Scrag. You're just getting Scrag. But what happened, it was kind of like, it basically, it kind of, it was marketing itself as like the future of food. Like, Neil's cybernetics, Neil open a drawer, Neil's shelf, Neil's food comes out, blabla, blabla, blabla, no people. But if you just looked through the back of the shelf, you could see through a gap, just be like a really bored looking guy, just like cooking deep frying balls of cheese. It's like it's not really the future. It's actually almost it's almost like this isn't the future. It's just like

a normal restaurant, but with loads of shelves in between me and the guy keeping the cheese balls, no windows for the guy, no windows for the guy because it's all taken up by a shelf where natural light would have been. It's just a series of shells. So that was, that was feebo because this is just reminding me of something I like about Holland and it's true of a lot of the mid countries. Mid? The mid countries. So we've got, talk about the low countries. But no one ever talks about really the high

countries or the, as you say, the mid countries. I don't really know what they are, but somewhere in the middle of Europe, there's a kind of flat mid-country zone. I think Germany's got a bit of this going on Holland, Flem, Flem, Flem, Mark. Belgium is in there. Yeah. Yeah. That zone.

One thing I like about that zone is it's, the palette, the taste is for food, essentially it's quite similar to British. Yeah. Like you'll get just, there's a lot of grey slash beige deep fried cheese with not a hint of a vegetable or any. Hot salty stuff. Hot salty stuff. Do you know what I'm talking about Ben?

Wash down with strong lager. Wash, exactly. There's a lager and salty, cheesy. Yeah, hot, salty stuff. Do you know what I'm talking about? Ben washed down with strong, low, exactly. There's a lager and salty. Yeah. Cheesy sausage in it. If it's a high days and holidays, sausage, ham and cheese are just on a rotation on a menu. So we can have a ham and cheese sausage ball.

We go for the cheesy sausage sausage sausage, sausage, sausage, ham, cheese, ham and sausage, cheese sausage. What's it gonna be? This is a completely outmoded stereotype. I think my my my my mind that my stereotypical picture of a holiday in middle Europe is I'm on an incredibly efficient, beautiful train. Yeah, in my mind, it's like everything works brilliantly. But on the tell brilliantly, but on the telly, their telly is just like a guy dressed as a badger shitting on a policeman's hat. While someone plays a banjo.

Which has been running for 40 years and is still the most popular show across all age groups. Yeah, exactly. Every year on Christmas Day, they watch it all day. Yeah, exactly. And everyone has to dress up as a different one, either the police's house or... They only pause it for 20 minutes where they play a section of an episode from Coronation Street. It's the same episode from 1987 that

they all watched. Which they're weirdly obsessed with. But that's not unfair. No, it's not unfair because it's totally true that television in Europe is terrible. I think certainly in the 80s, there was a sense of Britain is a pretty grim, depressing, shite I think certainly in the 80s, I think there was a sense of Britain is pretty grim depressing strike place, but like the pop muse, everyone's listening to that in Europe. They listened to Duran Duran. They're listening to the Spandau Ballet and they're listening to David Bowie. David Bowie and listening to Depeche Mode was a big one. It was big in Europe and not even big in Britain weirdly. It was like much bigger in Europe. Everyone was listening to Depeche Mode was a big one. It was big in Europe and not even big in Britain weirdly. It was much bigger in Europe. Everyone was listening to Depeche Mode.

When I was in holiday in the Netherlands when I was, I think it was 13, they were experiencing, you know that very occasionally in the pop charts, something will be number one for like 15 weeks. So the classics in Britain are, everything I do, I do it for you. I remember living through that. And the Wet Wet Wet one. Oh Jesus. Yeah. And the wet, wet, wet one. Oh Jesus. Yeah. Gorgeous boys though, to be fair. Gorgeous boys. Gorgeous boys.

Marty. Marty and the boys. Oh, lovely boys. In other terms, there you're having that and the song was life, oh life. Oh no. Oh life. Think I'll make a piece of toast. Life. You know what, weirdly I read the lyrics to that song like about a month ago for some reason. I Googled it, read the lyrics.

Desiree's life. Yeah. Oh life. Some of the worst lyrics ever in a pop song really. They were absolutely obsessed and literally every car that drove past, it was coming out with the speakers, every shop he went into, it was playing. Like it was uncanny, it was really weird, but they loved it. Life, life, oh life, I'm going to a park, especially when I'm in the dark, something, something, something, something. Think I'll have a piece of toast. Like, when there's not a lyric that's ever, you can never put that in, because everyone

while writing or creating anything has thought I'm going to have a piece of toast, but you don't put it in the thing. That's in the forefront of all three of our minds. All we're thinking about is we want a piece of course, we want a piece of toast. It's famously bad, isn't it? And yet the, yeah, the theme is, is I mean, literally life. Do you know what I mean? You could have gone anywhere with it.

Yeah. Now, generally. life. I mean, you could have gone anywhere with it. Yeah. Now, generally, I genuinely do want a piece of toast. So true that song actually. Okay, it's time to read your emails. Yes, please. Hooray! When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster.

Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot shooing a horse. My beautiful horse! If you'd like to email us, please do send it to 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. We've had an email from Henry. Another Henry. And this regards an old episode in which Henry talked about cycling over a rat in Finsbury Park.

Yes, that's now to tell. He has a similar story. The last time the boating lake in Finsbury Park froze, there was a dead swan and it was drawing quite a crowd. As children and parents alike leant forward towards this tragic sight, a rat burst from the chest cavity. You know what, up until that point I was about to say that'd be a lovely centrepiece at a wedding. Like a frozen swan. It's quite beautiful. A frozen dead swan. But the rat chest burst does ruin that bit.

Covered in blood and viscera. It looked like the happiest rat in the world. Everyone gasped. I laughed and then everyone looked at me. Lots of love, Henry. Oh, wow. Can I say that is the best metaphor I've ever heard for the anti-monarchist element in this country. Yeah. A nicely warm, well-fed rat, thriving rat.

Gosh, that's quite an image. You know what that reminds me of? That reminds me of once I went for a nice little walk. One of the most horrifying sights I've seen was I went for a nice walk by the Thames once and floating down the Thames I saw a dead rat but something had happened where its viscera was sort of exposed and a huge bubble made of like some sort of intestinal bubble really really quite big bigger than the rat, was keeping it kind of floating. So it's a dead rat floating along in its own kind of intestinal balloon. Absolutely

horrendous and sort of weird. Henry, I mean, think of the art and the literature that that rat would have inspired on its way down the Thames. All the creatives who would have seen it floating along. Exactly. And that's why you live in somewhere like London, isn't it? To see those kind of things. Exactly. Every two or three feet there's going to be another artist of some sort inspired. Palm Sequences plays will be inspired by episodes of EastEnders.

The episode of Phil Mitchell has a huge intestinal bubble coming out of his arse. That's probably inspired by that. Zone 5 Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia. Next stop, urban enlightenment. The glamorous London life of Henry Bac that. That was a wonderful story. It was a lovely story. I'm interested in other rat stories. What's the most horrifying rat situation you've ever seen?

Yeah, great. Can we beat a rat bursting out of the chest, alien-like, from a swan? Of a king-owned one of the noblest beasts. In terms of like, poor tents, it's a pretty bad one, isn't it? A rat bursting out of the chest of a frozen swan. Kind of like a grotesque advent calendar. We've had an email from Graham. Hello Graham. Thanks Graham. This refers to an old episode where we talked about door-to-door fish salesman. Oh yes. My sister got got by that

possibly even the same guy but really someone who matched your description precisely. She got she got fished. Really? The experience you described was just replicated entirely every last detail. Did you, and did she buy the fish? She did buy the fish, but she's a soft target for these type of people. Yeah. Yeah. You've got to have real nerves of steel to turn these people away. It's really hard not to.

Sure. Which we're, we're still, we're kind of exploring it, aren't we? And we're piecing together what it's about, but we've got evidence now from Mike that it's a thing and potentially from this emailer, door-to-door Geordie Fishmongers who they sort of lure you in with a sort of siren song, it's a Geordie siren. It's increasingly sounding like it's a credible thing, I mean it's still, there is still a count that thinks it's a kind of sort of mass hallucination. Which is also possible. Well let's see what Graham has to say, he says, back in my days as a hip young guy in the big city, I was off to work one morning when

my then-girlfriend asked what we should have for dinner. Some fish, maybe? I replied, expecting her to pick up a small bit of cod or maybe even sea bass from the supermarket by the time I got back home. Instead, when I got back, I was greeted with three freezer drawers full of the stuff. What the hell happened? I asked. Well, a nice man knocked on the door, offering to sell me some of the freshest fish she'd ever seen. By the time I realised what was happening, one of them had started unloading the crates from the van, while the charmer of the pair handed me the card machine. It

all happened so fast. She never did tell me exactly how much it cost, but safe to say, six months later, when we left that flat, most of the fish was still very much in that freezer. That's from Graham. Now married to said girlfriend, living our best provincial lives in Bristol. Lovely stuff. Well, I assume they've not had a visit because we've not had them this far west. Maybe Bristol is... Well, it's Coles to Newcastle, isn't it? Selling fresh fish in. Also, Rick Stein's got, I mean,

Rick Stein would quite literally kill you using five live crabs. That's what he quite literally does. Too close to Padstead. He's got the West country. He's got the West. So yeah. Yeah. It's the quantity that's, you know what it is?

They're using quantity. You end up buying just way more, because buying some fishes in the end of the world, I mean, I think they are fish. It's not like they've like taken cheap ham and shaped it into a fish, whereas actually now I can think of it as not a bad business idea. Do you want us to edit that out, Henry? So that we can actually... It's the patent before you have a chance to secure it.

And let's get some meetings in. Yeah. I'm thinking Theopithetis. Ridley Scott. Ridley Scott. I'm thinking... A bit of Matthews. Rebecca's.

Yeah. A bit of Matthews. I'm thinking, I'm thinking Ridley Scott, Ridley Scott, I'm thinking the Beckhams. Yeah, the Beckhams. I think we're going to want big celebrity tie-ins. So what we want is... Like, for instance, like next time Messi scores a goal for Miami. He pulls off his shirt and he's got a fish. It's got a ham fish, I don't know. It was actually a Messi that was made out of ham in the

shape of messy dresses a fish and the whole thing falls apart into delicious fishy flakes of ham. No, so it's the quantity that you buy because I think you're looking at it going, well, I can eat fish. This, you know, I'll buy, I can buy fish. It's the, then you won't, you realize you've got so much fucking fish. That it's just, what am I going to do with all this fish? Well, we've got several emails about people who've been Jordy fish. Really? Okay.

Brilliant. So we, so we had some more. Yeah, let's do this. So this is from Spanner. About 13 years ago, I was a new mum. I was fleeced by an unregulated Jordy daughter or fish salesman. This was in Sheffield. And I was quite new to the area. I simply could not understand what they were saying. It was something

about getting a freezer pack and splitting it. He kept saying something that sounded like 80 80 80. I had no concept of whether he meant 80. That's the Geordie maths. You see, you can't lose. Because what they do is they charm you with the sparking eyes and they've got that lovely lilting Geordie Siren song. It's a great deal love. We'll split it. E-A-T, E-A-T, E-A-T. Everyone gets E-A-T, E-A-T, E-A-T. And it's like, I know E-A-T, it doesn't sound like it makes sense mathematically, but 20, you take E-A-T from 100, you've got a spare 20, then you've got another E-A-T from another 100, you've got a spare 20, you get four E-A-Ts together, you've got a new little earty from another one, you've got a spare 20, you get four earty's together, you've got four spare 20's makes another earty. By that point you're just like, just stick 4,000 prawns in this bucket please. You know

what, you know what, I've got three sons, I'm not that big a fan of Harold. Harold, move out, your room is now a fish storage area. Just load as many fish as you can. You can get straight into Harold's window. So, Spanner says I had no concept of whether he meant £8.88 or £88.80. Or something else. That's the magic of the jolly voice, the siren song, you don't know. Is it £80 or pounds of flesh or pounds of money or pounds of prawns or pounds of fish or pounds of cheese or pounds of... No. In the end I spent over 80 pounds on a huge amount of fish which took years to eventually

eat. It does. Oh, we've got another email from Hannah. Yeah. Henry's story about daughter of Geordie Fishgelsman reminds me of something that happened to a friend of mine. Their house was visited by a fish salesperson who gave her husband the hard sell. Ten minutes later he triumphantly came back into the house,

carrying an industrial sized polythene box filled with all kinds of fish. It's so awful. I got such a good deal love. Oh I know that's exactly, this is a horrible moment. You think you've smashed it and then it gradually dawns on you. You're like, yeah because you're top of the world. You're like, I can't believe I'm literally holding like... It's 80 80 80. You don't understand. I've got 80 80 80 on cons. I've got so many eels, I could cover a tennis court in these eels. I've won life. I always felt,

you know what, I always felt there was something special about me and actually was going to come and it's happened, it's happened. So he says, I got such a good deal love, he exclaimed. Darling, she replies. Yes, he replies. We don't like fish. He had indeed looked deep into those Geordie eyes and fallen hook line and sinker. Wow. So I've got loads more emails about this happening to people.

There's a phenomenon. It's happening. Yeah. Rather than reading out the whole emails, I'll give you a sense of what's going on out there. Okay. So Jamie from Couldingham in Berwickshire, not far from the home of the Geordies. Yeah. 15 years ago, his wife's mother Maureen spent £250 on cod mackerel

and haddock. And she's going to be feeling as sick as a parent about that Maureen, but it's happened you're not alone Maureen. There needs to be support groups for these people because Maureen would have been heartbroken about it. Hello, my name's Henry and yesterday I bought four tonnes of sardines. Talking about it is the first step, isn't it? Graham from Buckinghamshire, he writes one day in between work calls, someone knocked on the door and managed to convince me to buy a box of fish steaks and a £60 bag of scallops.

I'm living proof that they don't just exclusively target mums. No, no, no. So, you know, this is. But again, he's like, he's distracted, he's in the middle of a working day. Like he's, do you know what I mean? He's like, there's stuff going on. He's got stuff to do. It's in that space that the Geordie travelling fishmonger is able to slip in.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who involved us about their Geordie fish experiences. I'm interested if anyone can beat the £250 in terms of how much people have spent on a door-to-door fish experiences. I'm interested if anyone can beat the £250 in terms of how much people have spent on a door-to-door fish transaction. If we can beat £250 I'd be pretty pleased. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon, Patreon. Patreon.com. For slash free bean salad. Thanks to everyone who signed up at our Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

Oh yes. What's there for you? There's our bonus episodes, which is extra chat on the topics from the month. So we'll have talked more about the Netherlands than you heard here, but it's only available on Patreon. Also, we do occasional film review podcasts. We've started doing a kind of quiz based thing called Bon Jo's House of Pain. There's lots there.

Just loads of good fun content. There are various tiers to sign up at. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. You certainly do. Where Mike spent the weekend. I did indeed. Yes. A wonderful time, thank you. Well, you certainly weren't hungry afterwards, were you Mike, because it was the Use Up All the Stuff at the Back of Your Cupboards Mystery Pie Competition.

It certainly was. Thank you, Benjamin. And here's my report. It was the Use Up All the Stuff at the Back of Your Cupboards Mystery Pie Competition last night at the Sean Bean Lounge. Alexander Penny and Becca Such had the honourable task of removing the cupboards from the homes of all available bean loungers and reinstalling them with the Sean Bean Lounge pie-based competitive sports gridiron. Kjorn Spillan and Ruth combined their backs of cupboard contents and rustled up a Savaloy and Seedwood Mothball pie. Emma Prindle went for a puff pastry number, ambitiously filled with obsolete dishwasher manual and eight-year-old panettone.

And Ben Cassarolle put a thumb in the eye of nominative determinism with a nus torta made from pickled walnuts and a sheaf of love letters left behind by a previous tenant. The Svelter bass, Canols123, Ross Christian Carter and Little Joey were all found to have smuggled victuals from the fronts of their cupboards in the backs of their trousers, and as such were sifted through a dusting wand and rubbed into cubes of room-temperature butter. Similarly, Mark Nicholas claimed to have discovered a perfect birthday cake with happy fortieth iced onto the top of it at the back of his cupboard and was about to pie it when Matt Bennett called foul, deputised Satchar Mett, and with him invoked a full back-of-cupboard

audit. It was discovered that Mark had paid Lucy Mulgrew to disguise herself as a buffet-style sideboard while Mark's real kitchen cupboard was whisked away on a Baltic cruise for two with Paul Wheeler. Grandad Phil Sellers supplied Lucy with a black market birthday cake and Lucy concealed this in the very papoose in which Chris Bull was being carried when he first said the words Sean Bean. This was slung over Lucy's front while her actual back was used to make a fake back for the cupboard. After the receipt of

a pre-arranged signal, specifically His Excellency Vincent Williams himself throwing Ed Alvin into a pie made by the almighty George out of sixteen half-full jars of Chinese five-spice, Lucy released the cake, just as tirelessly corrupt cupboard adjudicator Annette Gibbons-Warren, who was also on the payroll, inspected the forged cupboard and declared the cake at the back to be bona fide. At this point, Ben Harris was confused. He sought a recap and clarification from Zach Seldon, who also hadn't been paying attention but rather than admit that, instead related the plot of the second instalment from the Hunger Games movie franchise, Catching Fire, with improvised score provided by Chris E. That might have distracted some pie chefs, but not chefs but not David Cook who left the crowd slack-jawed with

a snazzy filo number filled with three tablespoons of pre-Brexit pomegranate molasses, what might have once been an apricot and the corpses of 17 fruit flies. Special commendations went to Tom Church and Joe Brett for their fresh goat leg in minted gravy pie with ingredients sustainably sourced from a backless Narnia cupboard. Also commended was healthy Arthur Lemieux Bay for his savoury flan made with suspiciously non-putrid, despite being decades out of date, sliced ham and garnished with an Iron Maiden belt buckle he thought he'd lost. But pie maker in chief went to Rosalind Loggerson's spa with her short crust sensation made with a cured sardinian sausage she had no memory of buying. Thanks

all. OK, that's the end of the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. And it's worth saying that we are very much open to your versions. And also if you've sent one in and we haven't played it, send it in again, because it may have fallen through cracks. Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And we do love them. So yeah, do send it again. Anyway, this one is from Ed. Thank you, Ed. He says, please find it again. Anyway, this one is from Ed.

Thank you, Ed. He says, please find attached my version of the main theme. No guitars were used in the making of this attempt. Keep on beaning. Yours, Beanly Ed. Well thank you, Ed. Thanks, Ed. And thank you all of you for listening. See you next week. Ta-ra! Bye! I'm going to be a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a Thanks for watching!