Threedom - Alf Hitchcock Presents

Episode Date: April 24, 2025

Lauren, Scott, and Paul discuss blue razz, being scared, and guinea pigs before playing Celebrity Dating Game.  Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, is this an okay time? It's your girl Dylan Mulvaney and I am inviting you to my weekly cocktail party and my brand new podcast, The Dylan Hour, brought to you by Lemonada Media. Life is stressful and there is so much darkness in the world, I think we could all use a little bit of trans joy. So join me every week as I interview some of my favorite A-list celebrity friends and gurus and of course the dolls while we sip and spill the scalding hot tea. So put your worries aside and join me at the

Dylan hour. You can listen on Apple, YouTube or wherever you I'm fine. Freedom! I only ask because- Just don't ask. You're falling over. Just don't ask. Freedom! Mo. Good morning. Good morning to everyone out there listening in the morning.

Good afternoon to anyone who might be listening in the afternoon and good evening to all of you night owls out there. May I say we routinely record at this time. We do. And yet it feels extremely early to me for some reason. Yes. I mean, I've been up since 630 today. What have you been doing?

It feels late, but also I'm tired, but it's early. What have I been doing? Just, you know, wanted to do some art. No, my kids woke up at 630. Oh no! And so usually they woke up at 6.30. Oh no! Dude, some art. So usually they get up at seven. So that did seem to make a very big difference

in the morning routine, everything. What's their story with this? What are they doing? What is going on with them? What's their major malfunction? And also I already had a very busy day because we had window washers at our home today. Someone's washing your computer for Windows 95?

I don't use Windows, I'm an Apple head. I had a Microsoft Word washers over. Although I kind of want one of those Microsoft, not Microsoft, those- Macro Heart? Those flip phones that they have, those Androids. Have fun. Why?

Because they're cool, and they harken back to the phone I used to have. To a shipper time. My windows could not be clean. I mean, the difference. Amazing. So you can recognize its day now. Yes.

I was wanting to do this for a while. Then the fires happened and then there was like ash and stuff that I've been meaning to deal with on the outside. I can't reach, blah, blah, blah. And then finally yesterday I just said, you know what, I've had it. And they were available today. And sparkling. Sparkling. The rest is history. blah blah blah. And then finally yesterday I just said, you know what? I've had it. And I high and they were available today and uh, sparkly sparkly.

The rest is history. Yes. Now history. Do you remember their story? Do you remember when we were younger and there would be yesterday? Not even an hour ago. Do you remember your president Nixon? Um, when like a common sort of joke was I don't do windows. Yeah. What does that mean? So that being like somebody would clean like a cleaner you would have in your house, but I don't do windows. That that was like a such a common cliche.

If you were to hire someone to come over to your house to clean it. Yeah. Housekeeper. They would say, well, I don't do windows. That it became like a joke that you would say. Like on a sitcom or something. Yeah. Or like just around the office or whatever. You'd see it in like. Someone would say, hey, take out the trash. Oh yeah. Well, I don't do windows.

You've seen in newspaper cartoons and shit like that. That's so interesting. Why wouldn't they do the windows? Well, I used to have to do the windows at the manna station, of course. One of my first jobs. Of course. My first job. the manna station, of course, one of my first jobs. Of course. Actually, my first job. The manna station?

Yes, the heavenly ice cream parlor. Yogurt, yogurt. Yogurt. Oh, yeah. Well, heavenly ice cream is yogurt. And I was so, I didn't know how to do them. And so I just kind of did my attempt at them. And I remember getting yelled at of like, dry,

just rubbing them with the cloth. Is this what you do? Yeah. I used to have to clean the the front door windows at Tower Tower Video. Oh, yeah. And one time I was doing it. Having sex. Yeah. And they said, hey, you got to clean the windows. Oh, yeah. We used to have sex in there all the time. And your boss that you they said, Hey, you gotta clean the windows.

Oh yeah. We used to have sex in there all the time. And your boss that you were fucking said you have to go clean the windows. My boss was watching. Thank you. He had one eye on us and one eye on the clock. Oh, he should have gotten that fixed. Put them both on the clock.

Yeah. We, he should have positioned us closer to the clock. So it was easier. So his eyes wouldn't hurt so bad as they split too. They hurt badly. He should have positioned us closer to the clock so it was easier. So his eyes wouldn't hurt so bad as they split too. Ow-ee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee. They hurt badly. I had, so I'm cleaning the front window and Amanda Plummer was in the store.

Amanda Hug and Kiss's sister? Yeah, it felt like that. Yeah, they're sisters. Amanda Plummer and Amanda Hug and Kiss. I'm looking for Amanda Plummer. I need Amanda Plummer, my toilets overflowing. I need a man to plumber my toilet. Could you plumber over here please?

I need to just plumber over here. What happened to Amanda? Plumber over here and plumber over there. So anyway, she walks in and you must be thrilled because this is around Fisher King times. I'm going to have to Google. It's just post Fisher King and she is, she's with somebody else and the person is browsing around. She takes the opportunity to go out and have a smoke.

So she's standing there smoking, watching me clean the windows. And then she said to me, do you clean your windows at home? Was she English? She sounded English in this moment. Huh, she's an American actress. Yeah, but she, I swear to God, that's how she said it.

Do you clean your windows at home? And I said, no, I don't. And she said, me neither. Maybe she was just pretending to be British to not be recognized. Throw you off the scent. Yeah. And then, oh, she was also wearing a hood.

Do you clean your windows at home? And then when I say a hood, what do you mean? Like a hoodie or? I think that's what it is. What do you think I mean? I don't know. Well, he so commonly refers to it. Like when you say a hood, like literally like a hood

without a cape or anything like that. A hood without a cape. It's just a hood. Just a hood. You know what I actually recently bought? With devil horns? I bought a, I bought a sweatshirt hood. Yeah.

That's just a hood. Okay, that's just a hood. Okay, that's weird. Yeah. Congrats to you. You're a weird lady. But you can't wear it. So if I were to live in a city with cold weather. Which you don't.

You can trick people into thinking you have a hoodie. But I would be able to layer, like it's like a dickie. It's like a dickie but for a hoodie. Oh, dickie for your head. When I was finished cleaning the window, she then said, spanking clean. She just stayed around until you were done?

She was having her cigarette. Okay. And it only took you seven and a half, isn't it seven and a half minutes to smoke a cigarette? I think. It's seven and a half ounces leave your body when you die, your soul. Seven and a half cigarettes leave your body.

I feel like that is stuck in my head for some reason of like when people take smoke breaks, it only takes seven and a half minutes leave your body. I feel like that is stuck in my head for some reason of like when people take smoke breaks, it only takes seven and a half minutes to smoke a cigarette. I think smokers. And so that's why they're only 10 minutes or something. That's like how do people who don't smoke. The original Ocean's 11 words, how long does it take to sing Old Lang Syne? And then somebody has like two minutes, 41 seconds. Exactly.

People who smoke cigarettes, especially back when that was more common, you would get to have your free moment to go smoke. But if I didn't smoke cigarettes, I don't get a break. Yeah, that's why so many people would like go out there and go, can I bum a cigarette? And they'll go, oh, I didn't know you smoked. Well, I just need a break. It's where the concessions we made around smoking cigarettes,

one of the stupidest things you can do. You know what? I ran into somebody the other day who mentioned that their friend, now I don't know how this came. You shook your head at that. I don't even know how this. I looked right at you,

like when are you gonna shake your head? I don't know how this information came out and they probably knew. Maybe like a ticker tape that came out of the person's mouth. No, maybe a leak. My friend back in the day, my friend. No, no.

They mentioned there was a store called Bats in the or Hats in the Belfry. Bats in the Hell free. Hats in the Belfry. And I said my friend. He saw our enemy store. And I said my friend used to work there. Work there. And then she said at the same time, Paul of Tompkins.

I don't know where, what the conversation was that led to that point. Who it was? What the conversation was about? She was a TV writer whose name I know half of and I can tell you later. Okay. I don't know, okay?

Jesus. I don't know him! But it was kind of fun when. I told her I love him. Do, do, do. It was just fun. That's so fun. Oh, you know what it was?

Here's what it was? Here's what it was. We were talking about Bar Mitzvah swag because... And naturally your name came up. Her child... I'm the king of Bar Mitzvah swag. ...had recently had a Bar Mitzvah and I was talking... We were talking about what he gave out to his friends, which was a monogram, you know,

whatever, sweatshirt with the info on it. And I was recalling when I was a kid and I went to a lot of Barma Mitzvahs in middle school and we would get- Barma Mitzvahs? Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Oh, I see. And we would get a lot of-

It sounded like Barma Mitzvah. Barma Mitzvahs. And we would get a little thing to take home every time. And we were talking about this and then she mentioned, oh, there was this hat at this store called Hats in the Belfry where it was like a Rasta hat and everyone would try it on and then you would think how many people have put this on and then I was saying my friend worked at hats in the Belfry. That's how we got

there you go. Good story the second time too. You know what I liked, I liked hearing the story and then hearing the lead up to it. It's almost like a topic sentence where you hear an encapsulated version first and then it flashes out. The theme of my story is friend also knows you. The details are... Or knows of you. Yeah. She's not my friend either.

I don't know. We may just met. Could you tell it a third time with even more detail? What happened was I was sitting at a restaurant. I was at Hugo's in Studio City. Hugo's! Studio City. I had a green something salad, the green goddess. I don't think it was goddess. Giant. I think it was green. Everything green salad or something. It was something like that. So every single

thing was green. Everything everywhere all green. How can you tell if you have even more than one ingredient if everything was green? That's really good. Camouflage. You're right. I don't know. I think I might've just been eating just spinach. And I was there with two friends.

Two friends? Arden Harnane. Oh, so Arden enters the picture. And Rob Cohen. Oh, okay. Wow. I didn't know you knew Rob Cohen. Which Rob Cohen? From back in the day?

Yes. Yeah. Okay. Not the director of Dragon Heart. He's also a director, but he's not that director. No. Yes. He's Rob Cohen one. Potentially Millhouse was based on him.

Yes, potentially. Yeah. Yes. We'll see if he lives up to that potential. Which is amazing. It is amazing. Do you have what it takes to be the best millhouse you can be?

And then this woman came up to us. Whoa. Oh, so I didn't know she wasn't with you. I thought this was like a lot. Okay, wow, this is good detail. Then we were chatting. And we were chatting about. Why did she come up to you?

Because she knows Rob. Okay. And she came to say hi. And I had already waved at her because she was waving at Rob. And I had already been waving at her because she was waving at Rob. And I had already been waving at her. You know that thing when you think someone's looking at you

and say, like, hi. And then I was like, I don't think she was talking to me. And I don't know what's going on. And then I thought I did know her though. And I think I had met her before. You're giving me such eye contact right now. He's on his phone. I'm looking up Laura.

Okay. Looking up Laura. We chatted for a bit and then the bar mitzvah conversation happened. What would you chat about before? Well, we said, how are you? She, Robert says, how are you? She was like, oh, my son just has bar mitzvah. I was working on that for so long. Then we talked about, oh, I said, what was his theme? She said neon, which I thought was really good. I thought that was a great theme. And inert gas. Yes. Psst.

My bar mitzvah theme was cadmium. I thought neon was a really good theme because visually very pleasing, very fun, very teen. And then they got a candy bar, which all the things were neon colored. They had blue ice cream. They had all sorts of fun. Blue ice cream.

And I just thought it was interesting. Was it blueberry flavored or was it like chocolate? I didn't ask what the flavor was. But there's a chance I could have, it was a good question. There's a chance you could have asked that. Mm-hmm. If you had a time machine. I just got a shiver.

Yeah. Would you go back in time and ask that question if you had a time machine? Yeah, because I'm curious now. As a second Lauren who arrives. I'm curious because I machine. Yeah, because I'm curious now. As a second Lauren, who arrives. I'm curious because I guess... Hey, hey, hey, hey.

My feeling is if it's vanilla versus Blue Razz, it's like people might not be as interested one way or the other. That's the thing is if you're eating something blue on the plate, you expect it to have some sort of berry flavor, I would think. Yeah. Blue on the plate, seller takes mate. Now, is Blue Razz something that the nineties just created or is, are there such a thing as blue raspberries?

I don't know about any of that. Blue raspberries? I didn't know. I'm not familiar with blue Razz. Okay, blue Razz like blow pops. I will tell you this. Blue raspberry is a manufactured flavoring and food coloring for candy snack food syrups

and soft drinks. You just know that? Yeah. And when was it invented? Why did you close your eyes when you said that? I'm gonna say 1991. It's like you went to a different place. Well, it debuted commercially

in the United States at least in 1958. Hey, open your eyes. That's a long time ago. Why would you look at us when you say these things? With gold medal snow cone syrup. I think that in the 90s they really lead into it. Gold medal snow cone syrup, when you want to win. Yeah, they really, it was.

They kind of went, we need more blue. Yeah. We need more blue. Blue is, because George Carlin is famous but there's no blue food. Yeah. Oh, he said that. I do think kids are attracted to blue food,

like light blue things, you know what I mean? Bluey. He said there's no blue food. Kids would love to eat bluey. Did he really say that? What? There's no blue things. You know what I mean? Bluey. Perfect example. I'd love to eat it. Kids would love to eat bluey. Did you really say that? What? There's no blue food.

He had some bit about there's no blue food. Why is there no blue food? I mean, that's pretty funny. That's just blueberries. I mean, they have blueberries. That's the immediate answer. That's the only thing. Is there ever cop to blueberries existing?

You know what? I don't remember if he acknowledged blueberries or if he said, they're not really blue, they're purple or something like that. And the insides are white. Ew. Sometimes they are. When you squish it, sometimes it's white.

Don't squish. Please don't squish your blueberries. Don't squish. I'm only eating blueberries. I gotta say, the Hugo's was a hotspot for Rob because he knew a lot of people there. Yes, of course. Well, the Valley in general for Rob is like, yeah, he's one of,

yeah, he's one of the kills. This old man came up to us and he was like, he was like a small guy who kind of vaguely resembled Don Rickles, but young, but not young, but- But alive. But not dead. And then when he walked, he was very nice and kind of like wearing a leather jacket, like old school kind of guy.

And then when he left, Rob was explaining that he used to be Frank Sinatra's driver. Oh. And then there were all these great stories about that. And he also drove Don Rickles. Wow. Who famously I worked with him on my first job. And then they did a face off?

Yeah. Wow. But his, Frank Sinatra would call- The driver and done Rickles when he drove him. Frank Sinatra looks like he would call the driver's mom on her birthday and sing happy birthday to her. Oh God, he must have done had to do that every day of his life. You know, same mom, different moms every day is like, who do I got to call? Jack?

Happy birthday. Jesus, I hate this song. He has big cue cards. Different moms every day is like, who do I gotta call Jack? Happy birthday. Jesus Christ, I hate this song. He has big cue cards. Did you ever have to sing happy birthday in any of your jobs? To customers? No, because I only did retail. I was only thinking about acting jobs.

It would be weird if we did it in retail. Have you ever had to sing happy birthday in an acting job? Probably, but I definitely had to sing it in my jobs because I was a babysitter. Yeah. And Happy Birthday would come up quite a lot. When you go to birthday parties and- Okay, I mean, it's come up recently around the house. Emmy just likes to sing it.

Yeah. And pretend it's one of our birthdays. That's a good song. What I like about it is the melody and the way that it goes. I like the collection of notes. It's one of my workout mix. Yeah. Do you like happy birthday being sent to you?

No. I don't think anyone does, right? Do you? I'm asking the questions here. Holly's third birthday, she didn't seem to like it. No, I don't think she does. And we went to a birthday recently and the dad was like, you know, he doesn't like his birthday,

happy birthday being sung, so we're not gonna say we're gonna say yay And so we all did that. I think it's an unusual amount of attention. You know, it's too long. I don't mind I don't mind it, but I don't like how long it goes cuz you're kind of going okay Everybody I don't know why everybody wants to sing it It could just easily be happy birthday to you. You know what I mean? Why don't we? Cause we're all trying to get everyone to start. Happy birthday.

And it's like, whoever starts it should just make it fast. Happy birthday to you. Like, let's go. I think that's right. What about the, there would be. I'm agreeing with you. By saying the same thing. There would be certain restaurants I worked in.

But like it's a new thought. You know. Look, I understand. It's not, look, it's nice for a man to have to hear that every once in a while. Thank you. You know what I mean? I get it, I get it, girlfriend.

It does happen to women quite a lot. I'm an ally. Especially in comedy. Especially. To do what? To them? To have people repeat what you said as if it was their idea. So they repeat things like it was their idea.

This is crazy. But you can't do it with so. You didn't do it right. You know what I heard? You didn't do it right. That's funny because I've experienced a lot of men repeating things that a woman said as if it's their idea. One thing that happens to me is that a lot of men

will repeat what I'm saying as if it's their idea. What I like to do is repeat things that women say like it's my idea. The last thing I'll ever do is repeat something that someone said as if it's my idea because it's something I've seen a lot. I have to say like one thing that I'll never ever do is repeat something that somebody said like it was my idea, because I think that's one of the most annoying things ever. I don't know what you said, but that's just just I'm thinking about but my thought was interesting. Yeah All right, we're gonna have to take a break At this point we have to we get to but when we come back we'll have an exciting update to snack gate

Oh, Mother's Day, huh? It's coming up. And you know what? The number one thing your mom wants is for you to call her. Yeah, I, you know, one thing my mom wants is to be alive again. That's not gonna happen, baby. You had your chance. This Mother's Day, try to bring your loved ones back to life. No, obviously that can't happen. But I will tell you, you can not only call your mother, but you can also give her an Aura digital picture frame. Oh, God. I gave my mother one. Mm-hmm. I gave my mother a law one. That's right. They're actually, Paul and I, we've discussed this before.

And we'll discuss it again. This is one of the greatest inventions since the wheel. Yeah. I honestly think it's the best gift I've ever given anyone. Yeah, people love it. I love it. I love it. My wife loves it.

We have them in our own house and we sometimes will watch it like it's the TV or something. 100%. And I think about 10 times a day, literally this morning, I was like, to our daughter, I was like, hey, remember this? And I pointed up at times a day, literally this morning I was like to our daughter, I was like, hey, remember this? And I pointed up at something and she went, that's me.

And it's basically what these are, are digital photo frames that you load pictures into and they every, you know, they cycle through these pictures. Now digital frames used to be terrible. Yes. I got a few for gifts on occasion and there was no way to figure out how to put pictures in it or anything. Or they would just stop working after a while.

Yeah, these are so easy. There's an app that you can put these pictures into. You can even send pictures to other people's frames. So you get a gift for somebody, you preload it with a bunch of pictures. And then as you take pictures, you just send them off to that person and they get these new pictures.

It's really incredible. It really is. We all love 3Dim, loves these frames, we all have them. They are great. Everyone I've given one to loves it. They're really a wonderful way to preserve memories, revisit memories, and a fun way. And don't take our word for it, we're just two dummies.

AuraFrames- I am stupid. AuraFrames was named the best digital photo frame by Wirecutter and featured in 495 gift guides last year. So I mean, that's something, right? So the next time- That's a lot of gift guides. It's too many gift guides. What I do is I take all four ninety-five and I do a cross section and see what's on all of them. And Aura Frames is on all of them.

And I give gifts based on the Bible. Yep, that's true. Anyway, so the next time you need to call your mom, you can also send her a new pic of you from that trip you're telling her all about right from your phone. Sweet. Yeah. Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. For a limited time, listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off plus free shipping on their best-selling Carver Mat Frame. That's a good deal. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Promo code FREEDOM! Support

the show by mentioning us at checkout terms and conditions apply Paul Paul come here. No, I'm right here. I'm so frightened. I'm right here. What's the matter? Have you ever shopped? Here have a glass of milk Finish it all the way Finish it. All the way. Okay. Good boy. Hey guys, guys, if you've ever shopped online,

you know that the real reason most people abandon their carts isn't because they don't want the items anymore, but because they don't want to get up and go get their card. Okay. Part of the reason why some businesses are so successful is because they allow customers to save their information, making checkouts fast and pain-free. I keep my wallet in a locked safe. And if I'm ever like shopping online and suddenly they go, oh, what's your credit card?

I'm like, I don't want to open that safe. Well, you might. It's a seven number combination. Scott, you might've seen a purple button at checkout with the word shop sticking out amongst all the other payment, you might have seen a purple button at checkout with the word shop sticking out amongst all the other payment options. I have seen this button. That's Shopify's shop pay.

And there's a reason so many businesses sell with it. Now, Shopify doesn't just make the buying experience better for customers. They're also the experts in helping small businesses grow big and complete sales, leading to more businesses going. There you have it. That sound is the sound of a cash register. Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all e-commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started.

Shopify helps business owners tackle all their important tasks in one place from inventory to payments to analytics and more. Let me tell you something that Shopify also does. Please. They make the marketing minefield easy with built-in tools for running social media and email campaigns so you can find new customers. And guess what?

You're probably like, oh yeah, or I'm gonna lose them. Right? No, you're gonna keep them. My grandpa got his leg blown off in the marketing minefield. I'm so sorry. How's he doing now? He's passed away. Oh, but this was a long time ago?

No, it was a couple days ago. So when you say he got his leg blown off, that was just like part of the story. He actually died from it. Or did he die of something else? You and I don't know. You really should be talking to someone about this. By the way, if you're looking to grow your business

internationally, Shopify has global selling tools in over 150 countries. If it is in person more your thing, well, Shopify's award-winning point of sale connects your online and offline sales in the same place with 99.99% uptime and the best converting checkout on the planet. Not the galaxy. You'll never miss a sale again only with Shopify.

Did I mention that iconic purple shop pay button that's used by millions of businesses around the world? It's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet. Your customers already love it. Stop seeing carts going abandoned and turn those sales into sound of a cash register. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash freedom.

Go to Shopify.com slash freedom, Shopify.com slash freedom. You're a daisy if you do. Hey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus here. If you listen to me on my Wiser Than Me podcast, you probably already know that I'm an investor and an evangelist for the Mill Food Recycler. There are a lot of reasons to love Mill, but for me, it's all about the impact. Keeping food out of the garbage is one of the most powerful things we can do to help the planet every single day.

We're talking banana peels, carrot tops, old takeout. When that stuff heads to the landfill, it becomes a huge driver of climate change. If you already compost, great. But of course, there's the smell, the flies, the running to the curb every day with a little leaking compost bag made of cornstarch. That's where mill comes in. It makes keeping food out of the trash as easy as dropping it in. It can handle nearly anything from a turkey carcass to like 20

avocado pits. It works automatically while you sleep. You can keep filling it for weeks and it never, ever smells. Mill makes dry, nutrient-rich grounds that you can use in your garden, add to your compost, feed to your chickens, or Mill can get them back to a small farm for you. But you kind of have to live with Mill to really get it, and that's why they offer a risk-free trial. Go to Mill.com slash wiser for an exclusive offer. And we're back and... Snackgate update, snackgate update, snackgate update, let's go! Alright so... Snackgate update to you!

Dump, bump, bump, jump, jump, jump! Snackgate update to you! Dump, dump, dump. Snack it up, dear Sally. What'd you say? Freedom. Okay. Have a snack it up day to you. Ugh, sounds like shit.

Yeah, it did. Um, so. Wait, who did you say? Scott said Sally. I said, Happy birthday dear Snackate. Okay, all right. Happy birthday. So Coolap came, came home from Costco the other day. No way.

Yeah, she's been sleeping there? Yeah. They sell beds now. I know, it must be hard. They sell coffins too. Yep. They sell coffins in Costco. Is it a coffin?

This is something that's been coming up, I would say, a few times. Is a coffin- It's a thing to sleep in at night. Because I think it's a casket when it's a person being buried in a coffin. What is the difference between a coffin and a casket? I think a vampire sleeps in a coffin. I think a coffin is like an old way to refer to

that kind of thing, like a tomb, a coffin goes in a tomb. Okay, well, while both coffins and caskets serve as burial containers, the key difference lies in their shape. Coffins are typically tapered wider at the shoulders and narrower at the feet. Yeah, that's a classic Dracula. Caskets are rectangular. Because Dracula has casket.

Or rectangular casket. He has really pointy shoulders. Yeah. And then with that cape. And then a really narrow hips. Oh, my God. He's snatched. He's snatched. He's like 38, 24. Oh, my, he's snatched. He's snatched. He's like 38, 24. Oh my God, yeah. 36.

Woo, woo, woo. You know Dracula. 36 is ass? No, he's 38, 24, 12. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm so jealous. It's so good. Yeah, it's so good.

It's so good. He looks fucking snatched. So. So Cool Up. Dracula looking like a snackula. Fucking snatched. So. So cool. Dracula looking like a snack. So cool up comes into here because he's got to put something in the refrigerator because our refrigerator space, we only have one upstairs. And here's the second one. I'm so sorry.

Oh, did you guys have a refrigerator in the in the garage? No, we did not have a garage. Where did you park your car? On the street, Harvard yard. But I think a garage fridge. Oh, so amazing. We had a giant freezer. When people had that, I was always very impressed.

You keep all the pops out there. Beers, cold beers. Cold beers. Um, so she, she comes in to, to put something in the refrigerator and she looks in the room. She goes, oh, do I need to buy you new snacks? Whoa, see? And I, you motherfucker. I said, no, I'm going to kill you.

I said, nah, not wanting to get into it. I just went, no. And then she goes, wait, where's that big tub of pretzels that I got you? You haven't told her about this? Did you? Did you throw it away? Does she remember when she did that? I don't know. Emmy was once or maybe six months.

That might as well be like your mom coming in. Yeah. Or she bought it recently and it was, didn't check the date. Well then she could have sued them. But I said, it's a whole thing. You have to listen to Freedom to understand what's going on. And she said, oh, okay.

This is unrelated, but it's fucking freezing in here. It is really cold. It's better than being super hot, right? It's gonna warm up. So you're saying there's no solution? Is there no middle ground? No. How about moderate?

No? Put that blanket around your fucking shoulders. You know what I would. I wanna do that. Too bad he stole the last blanket. Like the windows are now open. Stealing. I keep, I keep.

I have another one. There's one right under it. No, you can use it. Paul, there's one right under it. You can use it Paul. There's one right under it. There's two blankets here That one has my beloved Rockie on it Keep the the shades closed because I can Jackson son it can get hot in here And so I just open them up and it will warm up as we go along But I mean we're not going to be here all fucking day.

Kind of are. I mean no it feels that way of course. So did she guess anything? No I told her not to. That sucks why would you tell her that? This is your onus now. But I haven't had time. You're saying onus is on us?

Yes. How dare you. I haven't had time. The onus is on your an you. I haven't had time. Onus is on your anus. I haven't had time. Paul is bundled up now like. Lincoln? He just got out of like a burning building.

And he's on the ambulance. With a silver blanket over him. On the ambulance, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, it just all happened so fast. I'll take a picture. By the way, the number of political spam texts has grown so much in the past couple of weeks. Like there was a good period after the election where I didn't get any for months. I think I never stopped getting them. Really? I've never stopped getting here's one that I just got Trump is screaming

Our petition to impeach is going viral Trump is screaming like all it takes is a petition to impeach 100 more signatures needed What Supposed to sign things and then he goes away When you hear screaming you you're thinking, ah, or are you thinking like yelling? When I hear the word screaming, when you hear Trump is screaming,

when I hear Trump is screaming, I assume anger. Someone going, ah, yeah. I think if I'm going, ah. I think of his hair sticking straight up in the air and turning white. Yeah. Yeah, he's scared. Like the dye comes off up in the air and turning white. Yeah. Yeah. He's scared. Like the dye comes off of it.

His skin turns white. The dye comes off of it. It floats away. Like if your hair turned white from fright, but you dyed your hair. Yeah, no one would know. It's great. So that's the reason to dye your hair, everyone, in case a ghost comes into your house. And people would think he's never scared. When was the last time you were scared that not wasn't like serious? I don't want to talk about something scary that happened, but like, you know,

that you were like, like something eerie. Yeah. Yeah. I think a good question. Every once in a rare while, something will happen. Like I'll see something out of the corner of my eye and go like, is there someone in the house? And it's just like a thing. I kind of think that all the time. Like it happens a lot.

Where I'm going to watch. Well, like I'll be, that's a problem. Not all the time. I would say twice, twice a day. I think I see something, but it's because I always, I've always been like that. Like, I'm imagining you have that cardboard. No, it's not. I know. I'm imagining it. You have that cardboard cut out of the three men and a baby. No, it's not. I know I'm imagining it. Like, because I, you know, okay, when you were a kid,

like did you go in the basement and then get scared and like run up the stairs? Yeah, of course. Okay, so I still have that sometimes though. Where I'll be like, I'm perfectly not creeped out. And then I'm like, I'm creeped out. Like I'll kind of be thinking I'm not creeped out. And then I go, ooh.

And it's like, I'll just kind of run. I don't remember the last time I felt like unsettled in that way by something. I feel like it's been a while. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Even when you watched heretic. I loved it. I haven't seen that either.

Oh, we just talked for people who people who are scared of scary movies, it's very watchable for you. Yes. There's very few, if any, jump scares. And yeah, it's more of a thriller, but it's very good. Hugh Grant, great. It's more of a thriller.

It's like Fast and Furious. It's more of a thriller. Yeah, like Fast and Furious. Or Conclave. Heretic is just like like Fast and Furious. Or Conclave. Harington is just like either Fast and Furious or Conclave. Fast and Furious meets Conclave. Can you imagine those cars driving around in those underground halls?

I would love that. It's about family and preserving the Holy Roman Church. Did you see Conclave, Lauren? No. I kind of want to see it again. Again? Yeah. Have you seen it? I've seen it, yeah. No, to me that's an exact kind of want to see it again. Again? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen it?

I've seen it, yeah. No, to me that's like an exact kind of thing. Oh, thank you, cause I'm not available. It's kind of one of those things where that's the kind of movie where I go, there's pretty much no way I'll ever watch that one unless my dad has it on. Right.

It's like the circumstances have to be like. Would you, would he just turn on a movie around you or you walk into a room and it's like, couldn't go on for five minutes? I walk into a room, he's been watching, he just put on Conclave, I'd say. Oh, I was picturing, he walks into a room that you're in, and he holds up a DVD and says,

hey, kid, let's watch Conclave. Yeah, I mean... And he gets snuggled under the same blanket. Or if my dad was visiting, I might say, do you wanna watch Conclave? But you'd roll your eyes. No, but I would say I'll put that on because there's nothing, there's no sex in that way. Oh, you give him some screen time. So you can get things done. There's hardly even a mention of the scandals. The idea that people have penises. Yeah, the

scandals plaguing the church. They touch on it. Yeah, a cursory nod to it. Like acknowledging like, and we think it's bad, even though we're in charge of it. And we could eradicate it pretty easily. So scary. But that being said, I would say, oh, you probably would like that. I'm sure he's already seen it. It's like an adult movie that they used to make where it's just, but it, but those kinds of movies used to make a hundred million at the box office or whatever, because it was, it would be like, Oh,

Ray finds that guy from Schindler's list is in a movie and it's a thriller. You know what though, I will say Arden watched it and she thought it was really good. And I'm like, you know, both of us would probably say we'd never watch that. But she, she thought it was great. Really funny writer named JP Bremer who, um, posted on Blue Sky. Especially if you're Catholic, it's such a, the drama is so delicious.

Oh. Yeah, if you're not Catholic and you're kind of like seeing, it's great for the behind this, just watching the behind the scenes process of anything is interesting. Yeah, in a world that you're not familiar with. Yes, so like anything that sort of takes, you know, like you'll throw on a movie, a documentary or something about something you don't know anything about.

And if it's if it grips you, it's sort of like that. But there's a show called Seven Days Out. Do you know the show? It's a docu docu series, whatever, where it's about seven days before a big event. So it's like the what people are doing to prepare for like the dog show. And so you see seven days of before that or whatever the event is. Each episode is a different thing.

It's pretty good. I had a different thing in my mind. I thought it was like historical events. Like what happened seven days leading up to that. But if you like to see behind the scenes. And then you mentioned, I was thinking like 9-11 and you said dog show. No, no, it's literally like there's an event

and it's seven days before the event. I don't even know if dog shows, like a restaurant opening or like something. Yeah, okay. I will say I've been- You said you like to see how the fudge is made. Yeah, I get it. I've been reading the Lollapalooza oral history book that just came out. I would like to see how fudge is made.

Me too. You're reading the Lollapalooza history. There was a shop in Solvang, I think, that made... Oh, you can watch the process. I should go to Solvang. We should all go together. I don't think I've ever been there. Paul and I went once.

We should go together. You went together? It'll be a fun weekend trip. What did you do? We did the ultimate comedy bash up there. The ultimate comedy bash. In Solvang? And you know what?

They were right. It never happened again. It wasn't the penultimate. It was in Solvang. And then I've also been for a couple weddings in Solvang. Yeah, it's fun. It's a lot of fun. As a group, it would be fun to go. Because it's only a three hour tour, as they used to say, on my friend Gilligan's Island.

Oh my God. I forgot you're friends with Gilligan. How is he doing? He's great. Yeah. How old is he now? Things to do in Denver when you're old. And he's the only survivor that is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They all died. Yep. They all died. In real life. They all died. They all died of coconut poisoning.

Except for Gilligan. Too many coconuts. Wait, what was I talking about before this? What are they making coconut cream pies? Conclave, if you like to see behind the scenes. Oh yeah. So the Lollapalooza book, I will say, I will say like, I bought it because you think it's gonna be all this juicy dish about Perry Farrell and there is a fair amount of bands talking shit

about each other, like everyone talking shit about Billy Corgan and people talking about Perry Farrell. Like he came into the office one day with a huge, great idea of a communal burrito that everyone at Lollapalooza would eat. They would eat their fill and move on. Yes. That's so gross. That's one of the most disgusting things I've ever imagined. It's like a trough. Also, where's this office? I mean, you know, the office, well, it's probably, I mean, yeah, it became an incorporated business after this first year.

Well, sure, but it's funny to think of him going into an office. Yeah, so in any way, but what I wanted to say is, is like, probably half of it is behind the scenes of how they set it up every year and the challenges of like moving it from town to town and all that, and I found it very interesting. That's fun. Jojo Siwa right now is having a sort of VIP experience.

I think you can pay $900 and you can come before the show and set it up. It's based on the sort of the Gene Simmons thing where you... Wait, what? Yeah, like literally, if you want to help set up or you could just watch or you can help set up the stage. Yeah. I don't know. Gene Simmons was charging... Yeah, like literally, if you want to help set up or you could just watch or you can help set up the stage. Yeah. What?

I don't know. Jean Simmons was charging. What could you do besides place the waters? Well, she, I don't know if they're building some sort of set or something. I'm not going to help. What am I fucking Jimmy Carter? I'm not building a set for James Seyfried. You're not paying $900 to do that. One more crack at this sentence.

I sure am not. Jean Simmons was charging over $12,000 for this for this VIP roadie experience where you can come and set up the show beforehand. And then you take your clothes off and he takes a Polaroid. No. I don't think it's a great idea in general. But I believe so. He did that to a lot of people. He he Gene Simmons would take polaroids of all the women

that he slept with and then he put them all in a, like an album and was gonna sell it? That's disgusting. Yeah. Oh, you're shocked by that? I'll stop doing that. For how much? Well, I hope they all sign off on it.

It was probably when their bodies were rocking and he was so sure. He was doing due diligence, going to all of them and saying Are you okay? Will you send a release please? I think with kiss it maybe makes a little more sense because of the fan base that that could be something you could see as Cool $12,000 sounds insane, but yes, like that you might that was canceled it because he canceled his tour then but but then right after that Jojo see while I came out with this this was right after that. Yeah, it's like literally.

Oh, I thought his thing sounded like old school. How recent was this? Like three weeks ago. What? Gene Simmons. Yeah. The fuck? OK, let's just see that monster. I thought this was back when it was like cool or something. No. Yeah. It's not a kiss tour. Willing to see Gene Simmons, Gene Simmons solo tour, because he no longer famously is, is touring with Kiss Me.

Does he wear the makeup? No. And why did he cancel it? Non-demand, perhaps? I think, yeah, people didn't want to, yeah. I heard Lincoln Park's LA Dodger Stadium show got knocked down to a tiny place, and then they had to cut, cut ticket prices. That's tough.

It is tough. It is tough. I'm going to be facing that as I go on tour. Just ask people if they want to help set up. Yeah. Why don't you, yeah. I'm not asking for you to pay. What is there to set up by the way?

There's like a couple of mics. Well, there's a band. Sure. But they'll probably carry their own instruments. There's actually a great deal to set up by the way? There's like a couple of mics. Well, there's a band. Sure, but they probably carry their own instruments. There's actually a great deal to set up. Yeah, they do carry their own instruments. But it gets set up before the show starts. It does get set up before the show starts. And with an extra pair of hands,

mic it, set up faster. Yeah, that's true. How much do you think would be reasonable for you to charge for like a backstage meet and greet where you do work you would probably want to pay them $150 yeah that sounds good it's like an IRL cameo oh no I'm not anywhere around there what would you charge oh you're not there no what would you charge for someone to Alfred Hitchcock style walk across the stage in a cameo when you said?

It took so long Do you think that was Hitchcock that's funny team up. That's funny and current Yes, two things two current things mashed up Yes, two things, two current things mashed up together. We love someone from Mel Mac. Alf Hitchcock presents. Alf Hitchcock. Did anyone call him Alf?

You can call me Alf. What about Alfie? Alfie. Alfie. Get your fat ass over here. And walk across the screen. Who's saying that? Who's that?

First AD. His girlfriend. Get your fat ass over there. across the screen. Who's saying that? Who's that? I don't know. First AD? His girlfriend. Get your fat ass over there. He's the director, but there's still somebody who yells at him. Why has no director since Hitchcock done it to that extent? I mean, yes, there are the Tarantinos of the world.

A Shyamalan. You know, but you know what I mean? Where they're actually trying to act. But like, no one has ever done an Alfred Hitchcock style Tarantinos of the world a Shyamalan, you know, but you know what I mean where they're actually trying to act but like No one has ever done an Alfred Hitchcock style cameo Just literally like in the background walking across the screen Yeah, as like an Easter egg. Yeah Dressed as an Easter egg Did he walk in the background of all his movies?

He's I don't know whether every single one but no every single one he makes a cameo He made so many movies. I don't like literally for a second on screen But why would he not do it if he did it in all of them? I just I've he made so many English. I don't like literally for a second on screen. Why would he not do it if he did it in all of them? I just I've I've he made so many English movies before he came to. He's made hundreds of movies. I don't think he made hundreds of cameos. I think it's probably his American movies.

OK, his Hollywood movies. He did. Do you mind if I look this up? Famously in the movie Lifeboat, which takes place on a lifeboat. He played a seagull. He was in. There's a there's a newspaper and he is in, his picture's in the newspaper. Oh, I like that. Yeah.

I like that. So he figured out a way. That's pretty fun. He made cameos in 40 of his films, starting with The Lodger and continuing throughout his career. The Lodger's an early one. How many films did he make?

How many, okay. How many films? Yeah, Scott, many? Okay. How many films? It's me, James Coughlin. I'm pissed. How many movies did I for Hitchcock make? I'm pissed. So, first thing he says is you make more noise than a house cat. That'll take care of him.

He's credited with directing 53 films, but he was also involved in dozens of other films. Involved in dozens of others. What's so confusing about his filmography is like all of his early stuff is very confusing. Anyway. I'm not confused. I think I understand.

Here's the great thing. He's dead. So we can figure it out. Cause you won't keep adding stuff. You can do it, but do you need to? You can do it, but. There's a squirrel right out there. Whoa!

Oh my God, look at that guy. Hey, where's your little picnic table? I know, I've really. Let's get back into that. I've let the squirrels down. The squirrels are coming around your house going, what's up with this guy? Holly made a little bird feeder at school,

and it was really cute. How little? It was about the size of my school. It was really cute. How little? It was about the size of my hand. And so it was a disc. Basically, it's a cardboard or something flower with a hole in the middle that she painted. And then this little tin that sits in the middle of it. And then you hang it like flat like that.

And put bird seed in. And we did. And then I never saw anything come into the dish and then the wind tipped it over, I gotta fix it. It was very windy yesterday. There's a bird's nest right outside Emmy's window that she talks about all the time, like, where are the birds?

And I don't have the heart to tell her, I think they've moved on at this point. Well, you can explain it. But we're like, oh yeah, they're out flying. They did all they can do here. I don't want to tell you this, but they flew. How long do birds- They're like birds, they fly away.

How long do birds live? Yeah. We're talking about 18 years, I think. 18 years, 18 years. 18 years, every species of bird. It's gotta be pretty good. I don't think, you don't see a dead bird that often. I think if they were dying really fast.

What you think you do? You don't see a dead bird that often. So they must live a long time. Well, yeah. I mean, they must live like if they were dying every month, you would see more dead ones. What if it was the sixth sense, but he saw dead birds. Some small birds live only a few years.

Larger species like parrots and albatrosses can live for decades, even over 50 years in some cases. Nice, I know those African gray parrots can go on for a long time. So you gotta keep that in mind if you ever like. Generational pet. This is a fun gift to give someone, this parrot. It's always so sad when you see a dead bird on the ground.

My friend, my best friend in grade school. But you don't see it that often. One Easter, they gave him an albatross. Do you see it often? And they ended up fl don't. They gave him an albatross. And they ended up flushing it down the toilet. An albatross flushed on the toilet? Yeah. Isn't that a large bird?

Yeah. Isn't the idea an albatross around your neck? Yeah, they were rolling their toilet. Is there any chance that they took a giant shit and were so embarrassed by how clogged up their toilet was that they pretended they bought an albatross? What happened to the albatross then? Because I, we all saw it. Okay. And he didn't feed it. I was just reading about, because someone posted about this, that guinea pigs. So someone basically

posted that they wanted their kid wanted a guinea pig and people were replying about that. And I thought it was interesting because guinea pigs, apparently really tough pet, actually. You might think it's kind of like a hamster or something where it's like maybe minimal. Right. I mean, I think you have to give hamsters a lot of attention. But I read something about rabbits being like worse.

Rabbits need a lot and they chew everything. But guinea pigs poo a ton. So you have to change their, their like hay, like all the time. All the shavings. And the pee and the poo. And the pee and the poo. And then they need tons of attention or they get really depressed. And so if you get one, if you have a little kid, the adult has to be like on board to take it out and play with it a lot.

Oh, hell no. They get very sad. No. And bad things can happen. No hell no. They get very sad. Nope. And bad things can happen. No. So. They shouldn't be around anymore. And then sometimes they need a friend

and then you need to pay attention to both of them. Are they an animal that is completely domestic? Like there's no wild guinea pigs anywhere? I don't know. Are they, are they? It feels like a pet store invention. Doesn't it? Like it was engineered.

Like it was bred to be like a home pet. I'm sure they are something. Look it up. I'm sure there's something. I don't take orders. Oh, you only look at things when you're interested? Yes, and I'm not now. I feel like it's getting colder.

Our guinea pigs only get plastic. It's not, it's getting hotter. All right, we're gonna take a break. And Leon's getting larger. We're taking a break. Oh, wait, no, they are not. Shut up. They're gonna take a break. And Leon's getting larger. We're taking a break. Oh, wait, no, they are not. Shut up. They're front of the world.

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Bombas donates to someone facing homelessness? That's right. It feels good to buy Bombas because it feels like we're giving back in a way, you know, and you know that someone out there is going to be matching you with whatever socks you buy. Well, I have to say, you know, it's been made very clear to me that millennials with our ankle socks, we were out. Okay, we need to have crew socks. I have changed all my socks over to crew socks. I've upgraded my sock game.

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Let me spell it for everyone. Okay. It's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash freedom code freedom for 20% off your first purchase. Bumbuth.com slash freedom and use code freedom. Hey, today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Oh, awesome. No, no. I know what you're thinking.

Yeah, the little nuts that squirrels. Yes, because you love squirrels so much and you eat like them. No. What is Acorns? I'm going to tell you. I'm going to start with a question. OK. Was there a moment in your life when you didn't feel in control of your money? Yeah, of course. Have you ever felt too intimidated or like you didn't know enough about investing to get started? I still don't know anything. Oh, I got good news for you. Oh good. Take it Lauren. Well the good news is April is Financial Literacy Month.

That's right they made a whole month reminding you to finally take control of your money. Take control of your money. Good news is you don't need 30 days. Acorns makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future. Was that Bain? It was Bain yeah. Saying take control of your money? He used to say and investing for your future. Was that Bain? Yeah. Saying take control of your money?

He said take control of your city. Oh, okay. Acorns makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future in just five minutes. And you don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that matches you and your money goals. And you don't need to be rich either. Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now, even if all you've got is spare change.

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or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non-client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier one compensation provided. Investing involves risk. Acorns advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash threedom. Amen. We're back and Lauren has something she really wanted to say. Guinea pigs can be found from Venezuela to Patagonia.

However, they are not found in Western Chile or the Amazon River Basin. While some members of the guinea pig family are still found in the wild, they were originally domesticated as house pets. And we talked about how sometimes you can eat them. I've heard of that. And you can eat them. I've heard of that. In certain places eat them. I've heard of that. In certain places, don't eat them at home. No, take it to a restaurant. But do three of your children

that you will eat it if they don't spend enough time with it so it doesn't get depressed. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to eat this. At the count of three, I'm going to eat this. If you don't play with that guinea pig, I'm going to eat it. Peruvian guinea pig or kui see why it's often served whole either roasted fried or grilled pictures are kind of crazy bones bones and all baby you got to eat it in one go and it tastes like the combination of chicken rabbit and pork with a slightly gamey flavor I'm out oh great I'm out. Only slightly gamey? It tastes like a combo. Let me know when it's full game. A combo of chicken, rabbit. What does gamey taste like? Pork.

Like you know what I mean? Like you hear it described as like, oh, it tastes gamey. What does that taste like? You know it when it happens. Yeah. Yeah. I'm disturbed by a lot of the chicken that I get in like. Do they taste gamey?

Eww. Greg? Do you get grossed out by chicken? Like sometimes like a little bit. Yeah. I mean, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm disturbed by a lot of the chicken I get in like, do they taste gamy? Ew. Greg? Do you get grossed out by chicken? Like sometimes like when you get it in like a salad and like, it's like weird. No, I get more grossed out when you're eating chicken off the bone. And it's like, I'm a wild animal.

Yeah. You know? We should eat everything off the bone. Steaks. Sometimes I think about it that way, but not that that I want to eat everything off the bone. Steaks. Sometimes I think about it that way, but not that, that I want to eat everything off the bone. Anything else? Nope. Uh, yeah.

Sometimes when you're eating like a rotisserie chicken, it's very like, you just were a chicken. Yeah. Yeah. I have a question. Yeah. You said to the rotisserie chicken, you were just a chicken.

What's an outlook? Paul, what's a creature? A Bustero. chicken, you were just a chicken. What's a, Paul, what's a three-chair? A Bustero. We are going to play a game. What is that? What's a Bustero? You don't, everyone knows what a Bustero is. I don't think so.

I think we're both saying we don't know. We don't know, and if we don't know, we're pretty smart. It's a buster. I would think most people. But what's a buster? A game that we like to play, also known as a three-chair. Oh, okay, good.

All right, got it. We're gonna play a game now. And if you don't like it, I would turn off the podcast right now. Yeah, and throw your phone into the river? Yeah, and jump in after it, you piece of shit. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. And float all the way down to the Panama Canal. Yeah, where you'll take up residence. Forever. At the bottom of the briny depths. Yep. Just you, Davy Jones and John McCain. All right. We're going to play something called Celebrity Dating Game. This was submitted by Jacob Ross.

Thank you, Jacob. Thank you. All right. So we're gonna divide ourselves into two celebrities, one contestant. The contestant doesn't know who the two celebrities are and has to ask questions relevant to dating, relationships, dating game style questions. Oh.

You remember when I auditioned. I didn't realize they had to be relative to dating. In order to try and determine who the celebs they're courting are, and celebrities should be honest when answering questions but shouldn't give too much away. in order to try and determine who the celebs they're courting are. And celebrities should be honest when answering questions, but shouldn't give too much away. I agree with that across the board. No impressions. Yes. Honesty is the best policy as far as I'm concerned.

With celebrities. As far as celebrities go, yes. Be honest in all things. Yes, exactly. But don't give too much away. Don't give too much away. All right, Lauren, would you like to date us? What does that mean? Meaning, would you like to date us? What does that mean? Meaning, would you like to be the contestant in Paul and I will be the-

We're not us. You're both celebrities? Yes, we're both celebrities. Are you familiar with the dating game, Dear? Yeah, usually there's three, you fucking bitch. Yeah. Guess how many people are in this room? So what are we supposed to do?

We're modifying it. I'm saying, what if it was one person who's the dater and two people ask questions? That's also possible. That's not how they do the dating game. Well possible. That's not how they do the dating game. But this isn't how they do the dating game. You aren't how they do the dating game. You aren't how they do the dating game.

You're all not how they do the dating game. I would love to be the bachelorette talking to two bachelors or bachelorettes, whoever you may be. Okay. Do you have a person in mind? I do. Do you want to text each other who you are? Yes. I don't think we have to. Oh. Okay, do you have a person in mind? Do you want to text each other who you are?

No, I don't think we have to. Oh. I'd like to learn who you are as I'm listening to you. Fun, all right. Let me think of somebody that I know Lauren will know. Okay. Yeah, that would be helpful, Scott. I already know who I'm gonna pick

and it's someone you know very well. I know who I'm going to pick. And it's someone, I don't know if you've met this person. Bachelor, you're number one, you're number two. Okay, thank you. Great. Bachelor number one. That's me.

Are you, okay. Hi. Hi. You have what a great voice you have. Thanks, I'm in radio. What do you do in radio? I clean the floors. Oh, those floors have to be nice and clean in order for the sound to come out of the

tops of people's heads. That's true. Yeah. And the fronts. Yeah. Excuse me. Could you film my meter? Because I didn't think I was going to go on this one.

We just started. Bachelor number one, are you a man or a woman? Oh, honey, I'm a man. Okay, bachelor number two, same question. I'm a man. OK, bachelor number two, same question. I'm a man now. OK. But when I was younger and probably at the height of my fame, let's say. I was a boy. OK, so I'm sending out a whole path.

You put away childish things. Yeah. Oh, OK, good. Without love, I'm like a clanging gong. Bachelor number one. Have you ever been married? Great question. I do you mind if I look it up? I don't mind that but it does make me concerned about you. You ask me the same question. Yes. If I have. It's not a big deal. Nobody ever talks about it. Okay. I will tell you that I have not been married. Bachelor number two, if you were to star in a movie,

you don't have to name the movie, but what type of movie would you star in? I think it would be the kind of movie where a guy who... It doesn't have to do with a dating game. Isn't... don't they ask questions that are kind of hypothetical? That is kind of a question that they would ask on the dating game. Like are you an action star or romance? If you were to ever say... okay, got it. It's just weird because we're...

Well, that must be weird for you, but... We are legitimate stars. I'm not talking to you. We're weird. Well, that must be weird for you, but. We are legitimate stars. I'm, yeah. I'm not talking to you. All right, dear. I would say I'd be in kind of a funny movie where I'm the star, but I don't think it's funny.

I'm trying my best. Okay. And I'm doing some amazing things, honestly, but people are frustrated by me. Are you, can I ask who you are? Sure. Are you, are you key? What's his name?

Key? I don't know. Ki-Hye Kwon? Yeah. No. Great. Weird question. What are you?

She going to ask you the same thing? I don't know if she might. Are you Ki-Hye Kwon? That's your number one. Yeah. Uh, what are you? Is she going to ask you the same thing? I don't know if she might. Are you? Question number one. Yeah. What are you best known for? You know, my work probably. Is it in the field of movies or music?

Mainly, mainly I'm a legitimate movie star. Yeah. You've never been married? Never been married. No, no. But I would, you know what? If this date goes well, maybe it'll end in a marriage. Wow, okay.

Hey, moving pretty fast there. Well, it's easy to move fast when there's someone so wonderful on the other side of this wall. Okay, badger number one. Okay, but did I do that? No. Did you do what, honey? Did I move fast like you're moving? Yeah, maybe you're a pussy.

Batch are number one. Yes. Yes. Oh. Yes. Do you tend to date around a lot? In my early days, sure. I had a bit of a thing where I would date around some people.

Maybe you've seen my sex tape. But, you know, it's not so much anymore now that I'm nearing my 50s. Sex tape? Ray J? Who isn't it? I'm not Ray J. I thought of Ray J? Who isn't it? I'm not Ray J. I thought of Ray J as well. Okay. And then I was like, is Ray J close to his 50s? I don't know.

I'm not Ray J, honey. Okay. Does Ray J have this accent? I think you weren't doing an accent. Because they're not allowed in this game. Okay. So no, Ray J doesn't have that. But I do have an accent, obviously, that you're hearing.

Okay. Is Sex tape British? Please. Are you British? No, that's an insult. Are you South African? No. Are you Canadian? I know who you are.

I'm not Canadian. Are you French? No, geez, you hear my accent right now. Are you Australian? No. Are you New Zealander? No, stop asking. Like, this is a very obvious accent. Are you Australian? No. Are you New Zealander? No. Stop asking. Like this is a very obvious accent. Are you Spanish? No. From Spain? It's a very obvious accent. From Spain? Anyone

who was- Are you Southern? No. Anyone who's eaten a bowl of Lucky Charms can recognize this. You're Irish. Of course I am, dear. Sex tape Irish. Sex tape? Colin Farrell. Are you Googling something right now? Oh yes, yes, I am Colin Farrell, yes. He had a sex tape? Yeah. Godzooks.

All right. Okay. So do you want to date me or what? Yeah. As opposed to this former child star? I'm interested in Colin Farrell for sure. But Bachelor number two, former child star. But still famous now, but you're married, but no

one cares. I might be, but it's not, it's not a thing that people are interested in. Do you, do people really focus on what you did as a child? Yeah, they do. And I get it because I, it was very successful. It was a very successful endeavor. And, uh, you know, I became, I emerged as a, as a star. McCauley Culkin. No. Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle. Just spotted the other day. Which one is he?

Dewey, the youngest kid. Well, they're having a reboot. Yeah, but he's not it. He's famously taking himself out of show business, but he was spotted the other day. Okay. In the wild? Well, it's not who he is.

No. Okay. Okay. It was very successful. Yes. And sex tape, did I do that? No, I did not. Urkel, I almost said Urkel a while ago and you said, did I do that? Jale I did not. Urkel, I almost said Urkel a while ago

and you said, did I do that? Jaleel White. Yeah, yeah, Jaleel White. Who is wonderful. Yeah, by all accounts. I almost guessed that about 10 minutes ago and then I just thought you said it just casually. Have we been playing that long?

Five seconds ago. All right, now I'm gonna be the dater. Graeme. You guys be my wonderful perspective. I've got my person. I've got my person. Okay, you're bachelorette number one, you're bachelorette number two or bachelor. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'll take anything at this point. Yeah. So bachelor or bachelorette number two or bachelor? I don't know, it doesn't matter. I'll take anything at this point. Yeah. So bachelor or bachelorette number one.

You can call me bachelor number one. Hello bachelor number one. Hello. So wonderful to meet you. Thank you. If you were an ice cream cone, what ice cream cone would you be? And how often could I lick you?

Oh my gosh. I would be two scoops. You know what? I'm gonna say three scoops of chocolate ice cream. And you wouldn't want to lick me that often because girlfriend, I am dead. Oh, okay. Good to know, Bachelor.

You're a dead ice cream? Yeah. Are you a tiny lister? No, tiny lister. Junior. Oh, yeah, yeah, bachelor. You're a dead ice cream? Yeah. Are you a tiny lister? No. Tiny lister. Junior. Junior. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. Bachelorette number one, I guess. You're bachelorette number one. Yes. Plan a Friday night date for us. You just get off work. Tell me what you just got off doing and then plan our Friday night date for us. You just get off work. Tell me what you just got off doing and then plan our Friday night date.

Well, I just, you know, I, okay, sure. Let's say I just finished filming at four o'clock and good hours at four. I just had to do a quick thing today and you and I, um, it was just a bit for the Oscars. Oh, okay. And you and I would, I would have my car pick you up and take us to- Do you have a car that, meaning you have a driver or? I have a driver right now and I would have a car take us to, what's that steakhouse, Mastros or whatever.

In Beverly Hills, we'd go have some steaks. An early dinner, usually probably like a 5.30. I kind of like to eat a little early these days. So you're old as hell. And no, I like to have a lot of fun though. And so afterward, we'd get dessert and we'd go. What do we eat? Bachelorette number one for dessert.

We would eat, we'd share a chocolate cake and then- Chocolate cake for breakfast? For dessert. Oh, okay. You're not Bill Cosby. No, I'm certainly not. And then we would go out and meet some other friends for drinks at one of their homes. Like what friends?

Probably Steve Martin or someone like that. Okay. Are you Martin Short? No. Are you Billy Crystal? No. Bachelor number one. Yes, still dead. Still dead. How are you talking right now if you're dead? Through the magic of three chairs. Good answer. Good answer, bachelor number one. Can I ask you're dead? Through the magic of three chairs. Good, good answer. Yeah. Good answer, bachelor number one. Can I ask you another question? There was nothing in the rule book that said I couldn't be dead. Yep. Bachelor number one. Yeah. When did you die? I'm going to say a handful of years ago. A handful? It's probably more recently than you remember. Anything more than a handful as they say. Is a waste. Yes. Bachelorette number one.

more than a handful as they say. Yes. Bachelorette number one. Bachelorette number one are- So you remember that I'm a woman now. Yes. Are you Meryl Streep? Yes. Now, bachelor number one, you are three scoops of chocolate ice cream.

That's right, baby. You're dead. Yeah. What? Describe how you would incorporate me into your lifestyle. My pre-death lifestyle? Yes. Yeah. Don't confuse it with your death style, as Metallica once said.

Well, my lifestyle? I don't get it. It's a terrible lyric. First time I've heard it. I don't get it. It's a terrible lyric. First time I've heard it. I don't get it.

I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. It's a terrible lyric. It's some kind of monster. It's one of my favorite things. I would invite you to, I mean, I'd invite you to a set of something I was working on, but that might be kind of boring, but I'd certainly invite you to a premiere. That would be fun for a date. And so describe a movie premiere that you and I would go to and what would you do to make the night very special?

Well, I mean, we would dress up in our fineries, right? And I take you to the red carpet, kind of ironic, given the name of the movie in question, but we'd walk down that long, long red carpet, getting our picture taken and stuff like that. Is the movie the white carpet? No, I auditioned for that, but never heard back. Oh, OK. So did I. Which is strange because I'm offer only. I mean, I'm very well known.

But you still auditioned for it. Yeah, because I believed in the project. It's a great film. It never got made, isn't that funny? Yeah, it's so funny. Yeah. But it was hot grit. It was on the blacklist.

It was on the blacklist. Ironically. Ironically, it should have been on the white list. Yep, it should have been on the white carpet. And obviously it would be tough maybe fitting us both in frame. So we'd have to do some adjustments on the practice. Are you Webster?

To make sure. I think not. Are you, I'm trying to think of tall basketball players who also act that aren't Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Shaq! No, I'm not Shaq. Eel O'Neal. Who are tall actors? Who are tall actors? Who are tall actors?

But you know, seeing with you on my arm, a lot of people be green with envy for a country mile. So Michael Clark Duncan. Yes. Can I ask you a question? Please. I'd like to pick you. I only have one hour left on earth

before I go back to heaven. Can we on earth before I go back to heaven. Can we bone down before you go back to heaven? Absolutely, I'll tear you apart. All right, let's do this. Oh my God. Ah, great, great, Three-cher. Great Three-cher. You can play around for you if you want,

but we are out of time. No, we're good. We're good, all right. Thank you for the opportunity. Don't want to tire you out. I appreciate the opportunity. I don't want you to feel left out. time. No, we're good. We're good. All right. Thank you for the entire you out I appreciate the office. I don't want you to feel left out. No, I do have to take a nap between the boys They're gonna sit by the fire. Yeah, that's right That's it for this episode we really did it now some housekeeping gang listeners out there do windows first of all We love you. Thank you for listening

If you would like to hear ad free versions of the episodes and have access to our bonus content, including, well, not including, this is the only thing is our three Mium episodes that we do every other Wednesday. And that's where we listen to one of your voicemails and we respond. If you'd like to send us a three chart, you can do so by writing to us at threedomusa gmail.com. If you'd like to leave us one of those voicemails, I mean, I imagine you know by now you go to the very famous website. The world's most famous website. We finally, that's official by the way.

The world's most famous website, hagclaims8.com. You know it already. It's probably your homepage. It's so famous you know it. Yeah. It's so famous you know it. So that's where, and we're the ones who got it. So go to headclaims8.com, leave us a voicemail. You can also listen to ad free on Lemonada Premium. I don't believe so. You can listen to ad free episodes at CBB World.

Lemonada Premium is where you can hear the freemium episodes, but you can hear those at CBB World as well. Speaking- Speaking of hearing things. Yeah. On Tuesdays? On Tuesdays we re-release old episodes. It's called Three Visiting on the Two's. Sure is. And Paul, it's April 24th. You're out there on the road.

My tour just started last night. I was in Iowa City, Iowa. Thank you, Iowa City for a great time. And then tonight, well, there's no choice. I had to move along the road and head on down to... You wanted to just stay there in Iowa City. Of course, you know where you are. I did.

Now tonight, St. Paul, Minnesota. Wow, your namesake. The Fitzgerald Theater, that's right. You're gonna sign another brick. I'm gonna sign another brick, baby. Another brick in the wall, all in all. And please come out if that show's not sold out. It's a big place, so it's probably not.

But Fitzgerald Theater, fantastic place. Love performing there. It's gonna be good. And Lauren, anything to talk about? I'm doing a bunch of stuff. Pop music? You gotta keep eyes on the situation. If you see Lauren on the street,

follow her as long as you can, because she's gonna do something cool. But yeah. All right, and that's it for us. No plugs for you Scott? I'm still you know you can still read Astonishing Spider-Man which is on the Marvel app every week. There you go. Yep. Don't say you weren't told. Don't say I didn't warn you. Goodbye. Spider-Man. Although your Spidey senses took care of that. Goodbye. Thank you, Spider-Man, although your Spidey sense took care of that. Goodbye! Hey everybody!

That includes me! And me! Thanks for listening to this week's episode. If you want more of me, Paul and Lauren, and I know you do, you should join us over on Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. That's what it is. Where subscribers get exclusive access to our Thremium episodes in each Thursday, Friday, you should join us over on Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. That's what it is. Where subscribers get exclusive access to our Thremium episodes. In each Thremium episode, we take

your calls and listen to your voicemails and we answer them. You can send your emails to freedomusa at gmail.com, send your voicemail to hadclaims8.com and listen to your questions. Be answered by your pretzel gang on Lemonada Premium. Subscribe to Lemonada Premium today by clicking on our podcast logo on the Apple Podcast app and then clicking the subscribe button. Who's this guy? I don't know, but I like him.

Sir, sir, could you please? I think he's a little crab. Hey, Paul. Sorry about that. Who was that guy? Someone took your place for a minute. Yeah. That little crab. And we liked him better. Why did that crab do that? Does your office have an evil donut

bringer? Do you have a personal canary in a coal mine? Are you guilty of over apologizing? I'm Liz Kraft. And I'm Sarah Fain. We're television writers and showrunners and the hosts of Happier in Hollywood, a podcast where we share all the juicy details of our career in television and offer tips and strategies that will help you and us have an even more successful, satisfying, and fun career. Whether you're in Hollywood, Dollywood, or somewhere in between, check out Happier in Hollywood every Thursday from Lemonada Media.