Threedom - Baberaham Pizza

Episode Date: June 25, 2026

Paul, Scott, and Lauren discuss robots, the purge, and before answering a listener voicemail.  Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/shop Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You okay? I was doing a sound effect to be scary. It was really scary. Were you thrown by the fact that I said one, two, three, instead of three to one. One, two, three. Come on, baby, say you love me. Oh, five, six, seven times. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Three Don.

Oh, the caveman show. I'm Paul F. Tompkins. My name is Lauren Lapkis. And I am he who shall not be named. Oh, my God. I'm Voldemort. Voldemort. Yeah, you know.

You all know me. You all know me. Still the same old G. My name begins with a V. Wow. What a good rapper you are. You're really good at rapping.

I'm really good at rapping. That is, of course, a line from a Dau's racist song. Do you think I sound like a musical robot? I kind of do. Do you know what that's from? I don't. It's from that movie about spelling bees. Akila and the bee?

No. It was the documentary. Oh. My friend and I had an inside joke about that for like till now. Do tell. It's not even anything. It's just that this kid was like obsessed with like like be prepared or something like that like be ee or there was something like that so anytime we would

see a thing like that we would send it to each other and then forever it has stuck so now i just want to be clear on what you're sending back and forth things with bees in them or yeah because like spelling be i guess so i guess if it's any time of play on words like be aggressive be quiet you're sending each other be quiet as quiet as a bee like for example it comes up on like a thing you would put on your door oh okay so it's like be quiet or like a thing that like you know it's just this kind of random shit you find it like a weird little boutique

that's like if you just put aside of yours to be quiet it's like hey god damn you're the one you should be quiet in your own room yeah you're right I'm just in the hallway yeah like I haven't seen that doc since

2003 probably so 2000B well we're talking about a different is it a different one literally no what was the name of it though was it just called spelling I don't know, but it was really good at the time.

What was the point of it is that there's all these people who enter a spelling bee. Not people, kids. Kids are people too. Of course. Spellbound. Spellbound. Spellbound. Two thousand two.

Spellbound. Oh, you were so close. I was. Once again. Did I see that? It sounds so familiar to me. Spellbound primarily refers to the state of being completely captivated, fascinated, or mesmerized by something. Did you go right to the dictionary?

You need to have like a little bit of awareness that you probably... Set in the world of magic known as Lumbria, the story follows Princess Elion. No! No! Who must break the spell that has turned her parents into dragons, by bad? That's only part of it. Most of it is the spelling bees. Oh, okay.

It's fun to see a documentary that everyone goes and do thinking it's a documentary and then halfway through becomes like a fictional adventure movie and everyone's like, what is going on here? Do you know what? Speaking of which, I saw a movie called Nirvana the band The Show. Oh, I've been told I should see that. I really enjoyed it. I really wanted to see it. It was really fun. Don't tell me anything because I was told to just see it.

Yeah, I knew nothing about it, right? I've heard of Nirvana, the band, the show for a long time. But I never really, yeah, same guys. And I never really knew what it was. But I knew that people that I, who's Penny and I respected, really enjoyed it. Who, Abraham Lincoln? Okay, I didn't want to name drop it, yes. Who, Abraham Lincoln?

And the both of them. Did you hear what they got together? Good. Abraham Lincoln and Baberham Lincoln got together. Are they kind of siblings? That's part of the scandal. Okay. Yeah.

One is Abraham Lincoln. One is a hot version of Abraham Lincoln. Would you get together with a hot version of yourself? Sure I would. Right. Baberham Lincoln is... All the time gets with tits? Abraham Lincoln is a woman.

Yeah, I know. You can keep your mustache. That's what I consider a woman to be. I wish I was in like one of those. I sort of have a reverse a baron. Anti-gravity chairs right now where I was like just relaxing completely. I wish you were too. I wish you were upside down right now.

I wish I was keeping your head. I was in one of those papasan chairs that everyone loves. Yeah. I wish I was in a Papa John's right now eating pizza. I wish Papa John's would make chairs. Yep. Out of pizzas. Pizza Papa Zan.

Wouldn't that's all the Papa? Papa John. And you saw it at Pizza Papa John. Yes, of course you would. That's actually really good stuff. We are sharks, we come here to you today. By the way, speaking of, remember last week I gave you that a chip bag, tear open thing that I had never seen before. Yes.

and I don't know if this is true but apparently you can fold pizza boxes into a tri-corner thing to keep all of the leftovers flag of the deceased soldier I've never heard of that that's amazing no you can they all have perforations

where if you fold it in a certain way you can it's triangular because you know how hard it is to stick a full pizza box into your fridge It's so hard I'm always like jamming it jamming it jamming it I saw the video of I just give up and start I'll just pay the electric bills. We're all talking.

We're all talking. They took every slice of pizza and a full pizza and put it in the little. So it wasn't even left over. It was every slice. Yeah. It was crazy. Anyway, I've never, I haven't been able to try it. Um, it had tits.

Was it a baby ham pizza? Can I get one? Can I get one baby ham pizza? Can we get a large baby ham? Oh, guys, another robot that fucking... Yes, you sent us a video of a robot dancing to Michael Jackson yesterday. I didn't see that. I didn't click it. You want to watch it?

No, I'm just kidding. No, you got to watch it. It's great. I love robot fails. I saw a robot try to go on an airplane. Let me do it on this. They sent it on Southwest. This is insane.

Where's an airplane? Where's a robot flying to? They walked him through like a passenger. And it was annoying to me. And then the guy was like, people who don't like this don't have a sense of humor. I was like, I actually have a wonderful sense of humor and this isn't funny. Who said this? This is a waste of resources.

The guy who made the robot. The guy who made the robot, he thought it was funny. He thought it was so cute to see him go through the airport. And then he's like, and then they had to put him through the machine with the suitcases, which was so funny. I'm like, it's not funny. It's not funny. He's not funny. He's not funny.

I guess if you're making one of these dumb robots, you think that's funny. You fucking idiot. He probably is like in love with it at this point. I can't believe I'm putting my dear friend into this thing that I put my dick into. Okay. All right, here we go. This is a robot dancing to,

he's wearing a T-shirt. Oh, okay. So, you know, a little bit of a rough start. What a loser. Turn a back and does the moonwalk. And then. He tries to go upstairs.

Oh, fuck. What a loser. What a loser. We got to put that on Instagram. He's a real loser. No, wait. Did you film this? yourself? Yeah, I did.

Yeah. What was this? Did you film? It's yourself. Someone helps it up and has to drag it off stage. But the reason I thought that is because I had the time in the corner, like it was like your video. No, I had to screen record it because I saw them blue sky,

which you're not really on. So you wouldn't be able to view it. Not only am I not really on there. I'm not on there at all. Yeah. Okay. So how about that? Um, that was hysterical. Yeah, it's great. Thank you so much for that. You're welcome. I hate him, that little guy. I hate him.

I hate him. I'm happy to see him fail. I'm like, what are we doing? Why is there a fucking huge t-shirt and no pants? Why are we making robots? That's the other thing. I can't quite figure it out.

No, and that's what I'm kind of worried about because they keep going like we need. I can fall down. We need them. And then they keep going. They want to ingratiate them. They want to put them in society. I have them dance in public spaces. So we go like,

and then suddenly it's like eating your fucking face or something. No, but even if even if it wasn't dangerous, what is even the purpose of them? I don't understand. I think people ultimately think it's going to outsource jobs, like when you see them as like a waiter or something like that. But I'm like, who, literally who wants this?

People go into restaurants for service for like, you know, for a human being to come up and talk to them. It's not like you want a rope. I mean, yes, there are restaurants where you can order at the table from an iPad or whatever. But I mean, like, how would that be fun, like a robot coming up to you? I think it's very sad thinking about the ways. Have you dine with us before? We do think a little differently here.

Have you? I just don't understand. Which one's your favorite? Robot, what would you recommend out of these choices? I cannot eat food. Wires. Wires. Would you like to eat wires?

I recommend the electricity. But like, okay, so say you make that robot that can dance. What are the chances it's going to trip like that? It has to be 75%. Why are you then going to this thing? Why would you put it on a stage of the stairs? Why are you giving it this show? Yeah, you're making it perform for us and you know it can't handle stairs.

And you know it's going to do it. You know that's going to happen. And it can't do it. Unless that is the purpose. It can't do it. Yeah. Yeah. And you can't do it.

No, I mean, honestly, if they think they're being funny, then that is funny. If the purpose is to boost morale by saying, look, robots, they can't do it. That gives me joy. Yeah, that gives me joy. But, you know, it's just so, it's not interesting to me. I'm just not. There was one a couple, like, like, couple months ago where it was like this robot ran this race and finished faster than a human.

It's like, yeah, I could take my car and beat everyone. Exactly. What's your fucking point? That's not a thing we need. And now that's when that person lost because you made that? Yeah. I mean, it doesn't. It's not an achievement.

No. It's not helping humanity. It's probably in the way of the real runners. I would like a list of the actual things that they are practical that it could do that would be great. Like I'm not sure what those are. I'm sure they have to have some reasons. If there's a robot that would take out, put out the trash cans for me.

I'd be like, fine. But even that, I want to do it. Even that, wouldn't you prefer a trash can that was motorized that like much like the little things that deliver things? You know what I mean? Other than a full working humanoid robot

to go drag your trash can. No, I want a humanoid robot who's one function to take on the camp. And it is scary. And it is in the house all the time. If you have that. And his head does swivel around and follow you around the room. It then immediately, like, is a domino effect of nothing.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. People. So I just, I'm like, there is the joy of the simple joy of pulling your own trash can out. No, there's just, that sucks. I'm not saying it's good. I'm saying there's a moments of life that are like. Sure.

Yes. There are things that aren't as fun during your day. Then there's fun things. If you lose, if you lose sense of any of that, there's like no baseline for enjoyment. I do believe, look, if people have limited. mobility or whatever and they need an assistant or like you know it's what I was thinking if there's positive things that it can do that would help people in that sense. Honestly,

yes. There should be more people working on that shit anyway. Yeah. Yeah. But all I see it for is like a dance competitions and then be like I see people saying like oh soon like my robot will be able to make me dinner. Yeah. And it's like no.

No, the idea of my robot being in my kitchen. That is creepy. Can you play that video again? I don't know if they're AI, but I'm. I've seen a couple of robot in the kitchen videos where the robot just fucking... With Dinah? Goes haywire. Yeah, Dinah's always in them.

Oh, wow. What's he doing? Or... Anyway, robots... Wait again. Get out of here. We don't want you robots. We don't want your robots.

Yeah. And he's so confident. The fact that he's wearing a t-shirt makes it better. And he's really trying to get his balance to it. It looks embarrassing. It looks embarrassing. That is the most human thing. thing.

Yeah. The robot's trying to... When the feet start going crazy. It's like that video of Kelsey Grammar falling into the volume. Oh, yes. The real robot. And that's what... And as a boy, dreaming of being translator at the United Nations.

Is that what he was saying? Yeah. I haven't memorized his speech. It stuck in my mind just because it's like, no, you didn't. You weren't thinking about being the United Nations. Was it a character or he was saying? No, he's himself. Yeah.

His solo show. I think it was introducing some thing at Disneyland. A solo show. A solo show. My lost dreams by Kessigse Kram. What is the one chore, though, that you hate doing the most? Cleaning the toilet. Cleaning the bathroom in general is like...

Cleaning the tub. Yeah. I find that hard and I think there's probably nobody who finds it easy. So they make self-cleaning tubs? Maybe they do already. I'm going to look up self-cleaning oven. There's probably some sort of like room-ba situation that can go in there. but it's not that hard.

Like a pool, like a pool cleaning robot. It's just annoying. Yeah. They do make self-cleaning bathtubs that are equipped with automated sanitization and purging systems. Ew. But I don't know. It prevents the build up.

Once a year they can kill you and get away with it. Yeah. Oh, I'm not getting that. It'll suck you in. As long as you don't bathe on that one day a year. How hard does that keep track of, right? It'll really hurt how it does it too because it's just all these jets that start sucking from all different sides.

It's June 23rd. The day that you can't remember that June 23rd? Is that the day of the purge? Yeah, the day of the purge that It happens on a summer day. Did they say what the date of the purge is of the purge? Oh, let's look that up. Date of the purge.

I've never seen any purges. I've seen two of them. Oh, it's March 21st from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. It's only 12 hours. Some prequels and spinoffs have depicted variations occurring on or around July 4. Oh, sure. So I've never seen the purge, but so if I stayed inside, I'm good.

You haven't have the urge to purge? Oh, you can go in your house. Yeah, any crime is permissible. So a lot of people lock themselves in their houses and then sit there with guns. Yeah. Some people stand up on the roof and like try to shoot anyone approaching. And then some people go out in clown masks and go celebrate the wanton destruction of property and deaths of fellow human beings.

And I guess the masks are because, you know, you might want to do shit. to people you work with or something. Yeah, I think so. But you don't want them to know it's you. Yeah, exactly. Because that would be, like, if you knew that your coworker, like, murdered your wife in front of you. It's hard to go back to work. And then you go back to work.

And it's like, how could you not hold that against them? Do you think of your boss was like, hey, and you just stay late today? And it's purged day. Do you think you start thinking like, does this guy just want to murder me? I mean, I would. I think probably. It's tough. I would think that...

Or that I would think I have to murder him. It would depend on the... If like the boss is just like kind of a clueless guy, which all bosses are. Have you ever read Dilbert, by the way? So funny. Ask me, have I ever memorized Dilbert because the answer is yes. I used to love Dilbert as I've said before. Because the answer is yes.

I'm sorry. Dilbert I loved when I was in fifth grade. Sure, of course. Yeah. I thought it was like really great. His tie was funny. Yeah. Dogbert, are you kidding me?

Yeah, loved it. But so if if your boss was like, we're just in such a bind... He didn't. doesn't realize he like he's not thinking it's the perch right yeah and you're like would you bring it up like you know it is the perch it's like oh I know I know but we're so behind on our can we just talk about this could do you mind just staying like 45 minutes past seven and I would say okay in my mind I'm like is this a kill or be killed situation where I have to kill him first like the seven on the dot yeah just like shabang just be just do you get away with seven 59 or six fifty nine or six

just killing him. That's against the spirit of it. Yeah. That's against the spirit of the purge. The spirit of the purged. You have to wait a minute. Everyone who's been purged as ghosts. This is a good spinoff.

Oh, I like it. And what do they do? They come back and they say, we didn't like that? Well, they're the opposite of alive people. So they're like, we have the group. You know what they do? Gurchp.

Gurchp. So what they do is they make it, there's only one day a year where they won't try to kill you. Yes. And they also go around... So there's one day that's nice. They go around making other ghosts to be alive.

Hmm. How do they do that? Like mystical spells? I feel like that's its own movie. You know, I was thinking the other day about... That's what I'm saying. We have a franchise here. Dan Aykroyd wrote Ghostbusters, right?

Yeah. And I was thinking about that. That movie where there's a dream sequence where a ghost gives him a blogger. That's right. I was just thinking about that movie, a side problem. Which they had to include.

They're like, well, let's make it a dream. And that way we get away with it. Yeah, but I was thinking about that movie and how it's actually a very clever idea. And where, you know, as we were talking about things that, like, I'm just kind of like, we don't, there's, that's a fun, interesting. It's a very simple, it's a very simple premise. The idea that, that people who die are still around us is, yeah. So he came up with that whole thing.

Yeah. And then I got to bust them. Yeah. Yeah. But, and then the proton packs and the what have you. But I just think very clever creating of a world. It is. It is.

It is. It's fun. It must have been fun to come up with. Because I think, have we already spoken about this on an episode of God hasn't seen? Let me look at our dates here. Interesting. Yeah, but no, coming out tomorrow. But yeah, every ghost movie is all about, like, mysticism of like, how do we get rid of these ghosts?

Let's get a priest or whatever. And they were the first people to be like, oh, no, shoot it with a gun. Like an electric gun. Put it in this trash can. It is a novel thing It is, absolutely Yeah, anyway So wait, what's the

What other movie you're thinking of? Were you not allowed to say? Oh, well, it's coming out tomorrow, The Conjuring. We were talking about The Conjuring. Oh, the conjuring. I just saw that for the first time last year. It was good.

Yeah. Or I don't mean to give away what I thought of it. There's a lot of good stuff in it. I've never seen it. But I have not been compelled to watch any more conjuring movies. I wanted to, and then I ran out of time. Anyway, we'll be right back. Sorry.

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Back to the New York. I was home, as I mentioned last week. alone. And no, at my parents' house. It's funny, I still call it home. Yeah. But you caught the wet bandits. I did.

Yeah. With the big pink can on a string kind of situation. Yeah. A lot to explain. What was the final defeat of the wet bandits? He murdered them, I know, at the end. I thought they were apprehended by the police. No, in Home Alone, too, it ends with him.

Lost in New York? Yeah. Oh, he beheads them. Yeah. Wow. I showed my dad send help. Oh, what did you think of it? And we had a lot of fun watching that. He loved it. Oh, that's fun. I knew he would love it. Good, good, good. We laughed a lot. It was really fun. I like that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then my mom, my mom fell asleep, like right away. And then, like, left the room and then came back doing something like laundry or, you know, she's kind of like just not paying attention at all. I'm trying to think of it. So like later in the weekend, we were talking about, I can't remember the context. We were talking about somebody taking credit for somebody else's work. My mom's like, I just saw that with somebody where this girl had written, done all this paperwork.

And then they took her name off. I go, Mom, that was the movie we were watching that you weren't paying attention to. Great. It was great. But she got me back into 90 day fiancé, which I have taken a long break from. She got you back into it. Because she loves it. But I am back in.

It's too many days, I think. It's a lot of days. But there's so many. 80 day fiancé. There's like 50 spinoffs, so it's hard to know which one to hit your horse to kind of. Do you know what? I hit your cart. Whatever you want to hitch or whatever.

I don't really know what the concept of 90-day fiancé is. Do they get married? It's the idea to get married at the end of 90 days. Because you have 90 days for a K-1 visa. And so these people, the initial premise is that it's people who have been dating long distance. One is now going to come to America and they have 90 days to get married. And so it's a docu series following their relationship. Will they get married, won't they?

And so some people are doing it for the green card. Some people seem to really be in love. Doesn't that blow up their spot to have it on a TV show? But they just are pretending they're in. They're not, you don't know. No one ever says that. There's a really good episode where you're inferring that as you watch because you're going like, there's no way that guy loves her.

Like you're just like, that's crazy. It's not happening. They're not in love. There's a great episode where one of the person coming over to America is a prince in Africa and he's pretending to be like a worker at a McDonald's restaurant for a while and then his assistant starts pretending to be the prince. This is, and then this is, this is coming to America. What?

That is the original, that's the original source material. Oh, oh. Of 90 day. Now I feel. No, but then there's 90 day the other way. That's when an American goes to the other country. To another country. How often does that happen more, more than ever these days?

It's quite, that's actually always pretty fun because. it's sometimes the people are like, you know, not crazy, but sometimes they're crazy. And you're watching them. Sometimes the people are not crazy. Then you're watching. Occasionally, every once in a real while, they're not crazy. You're watching them go live in this like remote village and you're like, this is fascinating. What?

Yes. Yes. And then there's 90 day fiancé pillow talk, which is where previous members of the show watch episodes and their bed and talk about it over it, which is actually pretty entertaining. And then there's, there's more. There's now 90-day, like, single life or something. And it's people who were in a relationship on 90-day, but now they're single. And so we're seeing who they're dating next.

Yeah. There's just so many versions. Do you know what I miss is the people's couch? Yes. That was like that, pillow-top. That was the U.S. version of Gogglebox, which is it's different people watching TV and reacting to it. They did do something briefly like that on HGTV, I think with like, I think Natasha Lagerow and like, was I going to watch you both watching TV.

I think I didn't know I was watching. I'd be great at that. Honestly, I think you would be great at that too. I think so. Talking about the team. I mean, that would be really fun. Why don't we bring it back?

It's like the cheapest thing you can make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess maybe it didn't do that well, but they did it for a while, didn't they? It feels like now with podcasts being on Netflix and stuff, we all have time for something like that. Should we be on Netflix? Yeah.

We should be. But I don't know. But the man refuses to let us. Yeah, I think that. The Piss Pigs said they only want audio medium. Yeah. We do not want to see you. Those are the two things they voted on.

Yeah. We want to be called Piss Pigs and we never want to see your ugly faces and bodies. When I was backstage at the upfronts in New York to promote my new show. Your show that's coming out very soon. Upfronts are where advertisers see what all the new shows are going to be. I had never been to the upfrofts. I had never been myself. Yeah.

And backstage, the person who was helping me before I went out was a Piss Piss big. Love it. Wow. I was very excited. How do they make themselves known to you and when? He came up to me and said, I just have to tell you. And I thought he was going to say, like, your shirts tucked into your ass or, you know, something like that. I just have to tell you, your shirts tucked into your ass.

Your asshole, pardon me. Your shirt's in your rectum. You don't want to go out there yet. I don't know how you did this. I don't know how I'm seeing it. But you're not wearing pants in your shirt tail is hanging out of your asshole. I believe his name was Shane. He might be listening now.

And I hope I got his name. Hey, Shane. But he said, I just have to tell you, I am a, you know, piss pig. Wow. And then I had to explain to the people in the room with me what the piss pigs are and how they voted for it. You got us good. I had the reverse situation where I went to and I did. Remote village.

I did. My asshole was tucked into my shirt. but I went to do another day on a cartoon that I've done a few episodes of Big City Greens. I've done that as well. Paul, haven't you been on that one? I've been on it. They haven't asked me back. Well,

I haven't been back this year. I don't think I do a great job on it, but they keep asking me back. Well, they're obviously podcast fans. Yes, I believe the creator is a fan of ours. So anyway, I went back to do it. But the time I went last time, I walked in and the person who was helping me with my paperwork was like, I just have to say, I'm a piss pig. And so I walked in expecting it this time thinking,

someone's going to say they're a piss pig. Of course. No one ever said they were a piss pig to me. And I kind of felt a little disappointed. Strange. It's a little weird. Everybody should be saying it more. Well, we need everyone to get comfortable with that in your mouth.

Yeah. You know, maybe practice in the mirror so that when the time comes, you're ready to say it. You know, my favorite scene in any movie is somebody practicing a speech in the mirror. Yeah. Yeah. And stopping themselves like, no. They do it really bad. Yeah.

Usually in the mirror. Have you ever seen the opposite where they do it perfectly in the mirror? And then they get up there and go, Duh. Yeah, I guess the thing is, when they're in front of the mirror, they're always like,

pleasure to meet you today. Why, I would never say that. Don't say that. They always have that moment. I'm like, oh, you idiot.

I know. I also like going on walks. Oh, stupid. Stupid, stupid. Still, am I... Has anyone ever done that in their lives? Especially in the mirror.

Like, you can do... I can see you doing it, like, sitting on the couch or, like, driving to a thing, but in the mirror? Every once in a while, if you're lucky, you get where they're just,

like, pacing around doing it. How often are you talking into the mirror period? Never. I don't think I ever have. Since seventh grade. I think I may... I still summon bloody merry.

Well, of course. That's how... I mean, if you want to have sex that night. Lauren. He was just how you. about a serious subject. Do you have to come in with your filth? I'm so sorry. Yes, he was seriously speaking about bloody Mary. He talked about summoning her. My favorite piss-pick encounter, though, still is the one. I've talked about it on a preview show where I was at the Dodger game and

someone's selling, I forget exactly what they were selling, but like peanuts. We bought the peanuts, leaned over and said, by the way, I'm a piss-big. I was just like, love it. You know, they're all in the wild. It's crazy how they're out there because you feel it. You can feel, kind of anonymous doing your thing. Yeah. And then I would feel more comfortable if they were in one place. Well, I would like it if they just wore shirts that said it all the time because I feel like when it's revealed to me, I'm going, oh, suddenly you know everything about me.

You know, it's kind of personal. Like I'm kind of like I thought I was free to be whoever I am today. Yes. You know. I didn't realize I was being observed like a science experiment. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But we love our fans.

We love our fans. And we also love aliens for making human zoos. No. We do love them for that. and I hope to be in one someday, naked, along with a female of the species. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But in like a living room? Yeah, sure, but we're initially too embarrassed to have contact between us,

but then a few years in we go, what are we even waiting for? Let's just procreate. I do wonder how much crossover there is with us and one of my favorite podcasts, which I've mentioned before, nobody's listening right with Andy Rosen and Elizabeth Lane. Because they are very, it's in the same vein. I would like, I mean, I always want to push it because I think it's so funny. and they're married. It's very different in that way.

We should get married. Let's get married so we have that kind of dynamic. Their dynamic is lovely. Those guys are very enjoyable. They are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But we're not here to talk about other podcasts. We're not here to Barry Seizor either. Side note. I did listen to a little bit of Bob Mortimer's podcast. Oh, is it good? It was hilarious, huh? I said, is it good?

Why did you say it was hilarious when you didn't know what I said? Because I kind of guessed that's what you said, but I didn't, then I wasn't sure. It was hilarious. Huh? It was hilarious and he's just so funny And he read some of his writing on it And it was so funny That's the part that shouldn't be allowed

And laugh out loud Or what's it called? What? His songs? Where he gets to read off his computer No, but it's fine. Because that's like a spoiler. What's it?

Do you know what I'm talking about Paul? I do. It's a spoiler? It's just like, it's an unfair advantage. It's just he's so good at it It shouldn't be allowed. It should be like, Bob, keep your computer at home. But you know, they really do.

Ramesh dirty with that Jimmy Carr. I did not like that. I did not like that. That was, that was dirty. Because they never did it to anybody else. It was like they just wanted to kick him off. Well, they had to get stuff moving. Those guys in season two, they were all too good at it. Yeah. I don't think that was fair.

I don't think it was fair either. Yeah. Because they didn't use that with anybody else. Write a letter to a barrister. Well, and then when he had his moment on, in the confessional or whatever, and he said, he's an asshole or something. And I was like, was that real? Like, I was a little bit like, how much of that was, were you actually pissed? Because I

think I would be kind of pissed if I got out that way. I would have been pissed, yeah. Let me see how I can do with the- But also none of it matters and they don't. Well, of course it doesn't matter, but you still want to win. It matters because people are seeing it happen. Here's the part that I think I would be bad at. By the way, we're talking about a show that we watched where comedians are trapped in the house with each other. Last one laughing. They are not allowed, not trapped, I guess. But they do barricade the doors. It's a fire exit problem. And they- That's all English TV. Yes. they are not allowed to laugh.

And I think the problem is we're so used to laughing in a polite way at people, like to have to drop that must be very difficult. You know, the whole like, ah, ha, ha, you know, like. Yeah. Or even smiling at people in order to be polite. But you think, do you think English people don't do that? No, I'm just saying that would be the toughest part for me. Real?

I don't. I'm not saying English people are having easier. Can I say? Faster than you think that. I think I would do very well. Why? Because I'm snarling at you right now. Because, yeah, you never give me pity laughs.

No, you because you'd be like... Have you ever heard me laugh at you? You would just be immediately like you're shut down, you know? I had an audition once with a... It was a sitcom that was going to star somebody who was famous from another sitcom. They were getting... That show was done. They were getting their own show.

And I read with that person. And so before the audition, we're sitting there and we're talking. And I made some little joke. and this person, the star of the show, laughed at me like this. And I said, oh my God, if you're going to fake laugh, like, put a little something into it. Fucking stony silence, dithering.

Amazing. Amazing. And got the part. I like, see, I like when someone is more like on your side in that story. Oh, yeah. Well, of course, I don't want the. rude thing, but I'm saying, even just to me, if I were to do a bad fake laugh, then someone's like, well, give me a little more next time.

It's like, I appreciate someone just being honest in a moment like that. Yeah. Having been on the other side where, yes, you're, you're doing this all day with people, there's still no excuse not to like be fun and. Yeah. If you don't actually think it's funny, that's fine. Yeah. Here's what you give. You give one of those. You don't have to go, uh-huh. I see what you did there. I see what you do. Here's what I'm going to say. And you might disagree.

I think I would do very well on last one laughing. I think you would do very well. I think people like to think you wouldn't because you're a generous lapper. But when you shut it down... I can shut it down. You don't break much in like comedy bang, bang and stuff. I mean, you laugh at others.

I laugh at other people. But like you're not often laughing throughout, like, I break a lot. I don't know how I would do. I honestly mostly break at a thing. thing that I've said that caught me by surprise. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll do that a bit.

But other people, I don't know how well I would do it making other people break, but I do I think you would do great at it. That's the thing is what's important to that show is casting people who genuinely like each other and find each other funny. Yes. Is the important part because otherwise, it's very easy to sit there going like this fucking idiot. Yeah.

If I got to pick the people. Well, and I also, I guarantee you, yeah. I can guarantee you win. I also imagine what like when people, when it's somebody they. you admire, but you don't know. Yeah, you put yourself in other people, you all just go. Oh my God. I know for a fact.

These people do not bring me any joy. If they put me in a room with Martin Short or whatever. Right. It would just be like, oh my God. I'm going to lose immediately. Because also like that when you're meeting someone like that, the joy is laughing because you're like, I'm connecting with you and like whatever. And then to be like you have to not react at all.

It's like, oh, no, they think I'm like not fun. Like you know what I mean? Like it's, you'd want to show like in that same what you're saying with not just polite laughter, but it's like part of the social. Also, did you watch his documentary? Yeah. I haven't yet. It's so good.

It's so good. It's so good. A lot of people are afraid of it because I think it's going to be super sad. Oh, no. And obviously, I've read his book, which deals with a lot of the same. His,

it's so, it's actually so hopeful and so life affirming because the way he deals with grief, the way he talks about it is amazing and everyone should keep in mind. I agree. And then his like summer home, I was just like, the amount of fun they were having all the time in these home videos.

It was just so aspirational. Christmas parties. Like that's all I've ever wanted in life was to have parties like that. I know. Even the way that. Even the way that like. We don't have the room. We don't have a piano.

You know what I mean? Yeah. He would invite people to his house for a Christmas party and then they had to sing a song. And Andrea Martin was like talking about how it became this thing. I'm like, now I got to have singing lessons to go to the party. I had to come up with a good song. This is Casey Wilson's party sometimes where like, you know, I've told you I arrive. And she's like, oh, by the way, you're singing this song tonight.

And it's like, oh, God, okay. Like to the point where she asked me once and said, when we came out of COVID, she said, I really want you to sing the song Being Alive from Company at the party. And I said, I don't really know this one. I don't know. And I said, no. And then as the party approached, I went, I think she's just going to call me up and say I'm doing it. And so I practiced it going like, even though I told her no, I think she's just going to force

me to do it. And yes, that's exactly what she did. And yet I went up there. And weirdly, I didn't really sense the connection between like COVID ending, you know, and being alive. And everyone's like crying when they're listening to it. I'm just like, oh, shit, I'm killing here. No, it's just the song. I was invited to a party by a good friend.

And the thing was at this party. Paper ham pizza? We swore we'd never speak of that. She's hot. It's okay to say. It was, so the idea was it was going to be like a sort of. of a salon where everybody's going to do like a little party piece. But it was such a small group of people that it becomes very self-conscious.

Right. You want to do a really good job. Well, yeah, because it's like if this doesn't go well in front of six people, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like the Martin Short parties, there's a ton of people. Yes. And the vibe of it was so good. But also talking about how funny Martin Short is, there would be, I talked about this on my podcast with Janie.

there's all these clips, of course, of all his stuff over the years. And you would laugh. They would show like a two-second clip, and you would laugh. There was a thing where it was a show. I never saw this. I have no idea what it is. It must have been one of his variety shows or something. It's just a clip of him and Paul McCartney.

They're in like Christmas sweaters. Paul McCartney's holding a triangle. No, yeah. triangle. And so Martin Short sings like the refrain of some Christmas standard. And then Paul McCartney hits the triangle. And Martin Short turns him and goes, what are you doing?

And Janie and I fucking cracked up. I have no context for it, no idea. He's amazing. I must work with him someday. Oh, that would be a dream. My dream. Speaking of things that I saw that I laughed at, by the way, I saw a key and peel sketch the other day. that I had missed that made me laugh so hard. The Freddie Krueger one.

I don't think I've seen that. It's a, it's, it's, it's, uh, Kegan is a stand-up comedian and he's doing crowdwork and making fun of people. Uh, and he makes it some fun of someone for their weight. And then he skips over Jordan, who has a horribly scarred face. He's like, do me. He's like, he's like, do me, do me. He's like, oh, no, I don't think so.

He's like, I can take it. I can take it. And then he's like, oh, what are you? I just need to be Freddie Kruggan. over here he just starts crying he's like you said you can take it I thought I could I can't the tears burned

it was a big so many PMTL sketches are so good I couldn't Mike and I often rewatch the the one where they're just listing the NFL players Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah It's so funny yeah good show All right we need to take break

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Yeah. I have some bad news. Well, I think you might already know this. Oh, it's about my tiny penis. Yeah, no, I knew. No, the good news is there's a tinier one. Fantastic. And I'm looking at it.

Paul, thank you. You're welcome. Yep. It's tough to be here sometimes. Yeah. Oh, really? You? Oh, really?

You? When you guys are showing off your small penises to each other? And I don't have one to show. Oh, I feel that. I'm sorry. It's mine so big. Lauren, I don't know if you've heard about this, but normally at this part in the show, we would play a voicemail from one of our listeners. Okay.

Also from our website, which honestly... The famous website, hag claims8.com. Yeah. And the reason it's called head claims eight is because hags claim eight typically. Yes. Well, there are times when hags claim different numbers. There are certain mystical numbers which have meaning to certain hags. And eight is one of the most.

It's one of the most sacred numbers in the hag world. Well, they often say eight is enough. Yes. If you turn it outside, it's infinity. It's one of those mystical numbers that means a lot to certain hags who are always performing spells. Who shall remain nameless. Any hag that's claimed nine died shortly thereafter. Yeah, it's scary.

Flew too close to this time. It's a cursed number for hags. So you can claim. Claiming hags. You can claim any number prior to eight. Yeah. And people just assume like, well, eventually you're going to get a day. Hack claims one.

Hack claims two, hack claims two, hey. Well, and they add up. So you claim one, you claim two, you claim three. Once you claim eight, that's six. You got to stop. The ceremony, the dark ceremony they do when a hag has claimed their eighth is so scary but also beautiful in a way. It's so fun if you can ever actually go to one.

It's almost like the northern lights kind of how that comes out of the wit. Like if the northern lights were terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of comes out of their face. It's really great. Anyway, our website. That's where we leave.

leave, that's where you leave voicemails, but... Yeah, it's great. So your bad news is what? That the website is still going strong? I don't understand... It's bad news because it's the servers, overwhelmed servers down. It's...

Too many people are leaving voicemails? It's worse than that. What's up? What's up? What's up? I hate to say this, but... What's up? Little Richard Shirooby.

Oh, no. I'm trying to forget about it. Somehow he came back, and he's been fucking with Haglaims8.com. He's a ghost in the machine? He's in there. No. And when people leave voicemails, he's pushing them out.

I'm going to stab him. He's pushing them out? Where? Into the ocean? Back into the phone. Oh, no. So people, if you've left a voicemail for us, your voicemail might be in your phone right. Yeah.

And it's going to look like it's a voicemail for you, but it's actually a voicemail from you. Og. About us. Richard. Little Richard. I'm sorry. Come on, man. And he's, I don't, he's, I, I, we have communicated with him.

Why are you doing this? this, how long, what is it you need from us? He says, you'll see, you'll see, you'll see. Okay. We just have to give them that chance. So this week, we need to give them space. We do not have an actual voicemail, but I thought what we could do is we could pretend to have a voicemail. Yeah, that would be great.

And then talk about the topic that's in there. You know, people ask us questions. What are your desert island discs? Things like that. Sure. Okay, well, let's, I'm, I'm pretending to access them right now, and I'm pretending to press play on this one. All right, here we go. Hey, Threatom boys.

Hi. My name's Brenda. Hi, Brenda. I'm calling from, well, calling from a place I haven't been in a while. Okay. Strange. My job. And I work at Handels Ice Cream.

Okay. Handles. And typically if people want ice cream, we serve really large servings. A small is really, really big. Not a great voice. So I was wondering if there was anything in your life that, first of all, you avoid doing, like I don't really go to work. And secondly, that you should be small, but it's really, really big. I love you guys She's still going Sure And I just wanted to say Like Freedom

Sorry there's still three more minutes left On the time I'm seeing Yeah Freedom Affitiated my wedding We played an episode At the altar And

Full episode an hour long We did it on double speed So our families Didn't really get it at all It was too much A long ceremony But my husband husband and I have sexed three.

Oh, no. Oh, my gosh, there's still two and a half minutes left in this voice. And because of that, it's really messed up a part of my brain and I'm trying to get therapy that I'll kind of undo it. Moran, what do you think of this? Isn't it weird? But, like, I'm not talking. I'm actually respecting this. Oh, okay.

And I'm eating. I, like, have to get shock therapy. Anyway, I didn't really mean to bring that up. Yeah. But I'm on my break. It handles. It's a long break. Or at least a long portion of her break.

Yeah. It's taken up by this voice mode because there's still two minutes left. That's her. Oh, well, she's quiet. Maybe she thinks she hung up. Oh,

she fell asleep. Oh, gosh. I wonder if we could wake her through the. And so what is happening there is just. She doesn't seem to know she fell asleep. It's been painful. physically but also mentally but

I can only I can only enjoy have you been I can only enjoy have you been keeping track on sex with my husband if people are singing songs based on words that they hear other people say based on words that they hear other people say I just have like a

I made a compilation of your best song breakouts oh okay and that's kind of the soundtrack how does you know what we call them um anyway made the compilation for us? If you guys remember the question I asked, be sure to answer it, because I really need to know.

I do remember. Bye. Still a minute and a half left to go. Wow. I don't know how to hang up the phone. I'm just letting you know, I don't know how to hang it up. I think she's calling from the work sign?

I assume at some point it'll just stop. Yeah, I don't. Still a minute to go. Is there a waveform? Would you like I, school? Oh, she has a special voice that she does. A weird accent. We had her job.

And I don't know that if I were working at an ice cream shop I got a mint chocolate chip and also got a Rocky Road. The portion will be bigger than you expect. Can I get one quarter portion? Ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, if you're going to laugh, put something into it, you know? Click. Wow.

There's still 30 seconds left. She just said the word click. Oh, it's so strange. Wow. For sure, she hung up. That's idea. Yeah. She didn't even mention.

mention chips. She didn't even mention chips. The TV show? Yeah. Poncherello. Was that the theme song? So were the questions. Thank you.

What was her name? Brenda. Thank you, Brenda. The questions I think were, is there anything you avoid doing? Yes. Is there anything you have that should be small, but is big? Yeah.

Is there anything you avoid doing? I mean. dying. Well, writing. Yeah, and I think Same diff. Sometimes, yeah,

writing's hard to do. And then like, if there's like, I have like some, a couple of things I'm trying to get going, like just that requires some admin work. And that's really, really hard for me.

I just, I'll have a burst of energy where I'll like do a bunch of stuff related to that. And then I'm like, okay, I can't keep going. And then it's months.

I think that I've talked about this before. One of the things that is an impediment to me getting writing done is how bad I am at typing. Oh. Could you get better at that? Could you do voice diction? I could.

What? Voice to text? I was reading, or I was watching. I would lose my, you know what I mean? It's like. I was watching a certain. Sorry, I'm done. You said, you know what I mean?

And I did. I didn't know what you meant, actually. You could, you can acknowledge that. I don't know. I acknowledged it by interrupting you. I didn't know. My mistake. I apologize.

I was watching someone that we know, talking about writing and he said that he does it it's better than typing because when you're typing you're looking at it going oh god this sucks he just does it into a tape recorder and does all the dialogue in it and the dialogue makes

it's more fresh I'll try that but I would hate to listen back to myself going and then he goes and then she goes and then he goes I go I know that sounds kind of humiliating and then he goes hey I saw I'm going to run the back I feel like Jess and Len would do their show where they would just improv

the scenes. They would come up with the idea, right? And then they would improv the scenes and tape it and then just like right into the script from their improv. That works with a partner. Someone to hold the tape recorder, you mean? Yeah. Well, I do both characters. I saw Anna Ryan Conkel, who is the creator of Penn. One of the creators of Penn 15. She has a book that I'm excited to read. And she posted a video that was about like her writing process and stuff. And she was saying she got up at 4 a.m. every day before her kid, except to write for like a couple hours. And I was like, that's what that's a level that I aspire, like on some love, not 4 a.m. I don't necessarily want to do that, but like carving on that time and just committing to it is very impressive. And maybe at that hour, you're just like, what the fuck awesome I'm going to do? Sit here and do this.

Like, during COVID, I was sort of doing that with this thing I was writing on spec where it was just like, you know what? Cool app doesn't get up for like three hours after me sometimes, you know, like. I just wake up in the middle of the night and I'm like, oh, I can't get back to sleep. So why not spend this time just working on the thing instead of like, you know, fucking around for three hours and then I only have a few hours to write? So I did that and it was like your mind is clear. There's no.

That's what I was thinking. There's like no distractions. There's nothing interesting happening on the internet and all this kind of stuff. And so it actually is very good. It's kind of cool. I believe Brian Michael Bendis doesn't he like write all night? And then he gives his kids breakfast and that. And he falls asleep, I think.

Wow. Yeah. That sounds wild. That's wild. That sounds crazy, but also kind of great. I, sometimes I can get mad at myself for not emerging from quarantine having done something. You know what? Totally.

But it's like, look, I was fucking depressed. I mean, yeah. That's the truth of it. I was depressed and scared. No, that's the truth. And you know what? It was like very depressing. Like, it wasn't like that you're so motivated.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I came out with my pilot that I wrote on spec and no one bought it. Right. So, you know. There's that. Do you like it, though?

I like it. Yeah. And it did, I mean, it did get me just one job offer actually recently. There you go. That I declined. Good for you. Bad for you. But, uh, yeah.

I mean, and I had fun doing it. And I like it. And it was a stretch for me. That was one reason I wanted to do it. It's like I never have time to write a kind of drama. So let me write a drama while it was. That's cool. It is cool.

It is cool, but I totally understand like, I also go like, why didn't I do more? It's like Schindler. We all feel like Oscar Schindler. I feel exactly like. I've never seen that. The Oscar Schindler of COVID. Why didn't we do more? You've never seen Schindler's list.

The Oscar Schindler of COVID. Why didn't we do more? Why don't we do more shinlers? So what do we think should be big that is actually small? Thank you. No, not should be big, but something that should be small, but is big. Yeah. Oh.

Oh, I had a huge list for the other thing, but okay, go ahead. That's too bad. Well, I guess your list. What was my list? No, your list is huge, but it should be. No, vice versa. I'm still now more confused than ever. What are we talking about?

Things that are big that should be small? Yes, things that you think should be small, but actually are big. Okay, got it. Yeah, you're list. You weren't listening to her? I wasn't. You said before you were respecting her. Yeah, but I was.

You lied. I was a lie. You la la la la la la lied. What's that? I've never heard that. This must be me from last episode. Yeah. You guys. Yeah. And I think if we play the tapes in sync, it would line up perfectly.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. So what are some of the things that should be small? You know, sometimes packaging. Hold on a second. You think they're going to be small, but they're big.

You guys. Is that what it is? You think they're small, but then it arrives? They're going to be small. It arrives and it's like it's something that's... Oh my God. What, Lauren? What don't you get about this?

You think it's going to be small, but then it's big. Like it's something you've seen before but you're surprised each time you pick it up. I think it's open to interpretation. Well, then why are you saying I can't say it the way I said it before? Because I didn't like that. I think a horse should be small, but it's big. There, does that clear it up for you? What about miniature horses?

That's not the same as a horse. That's a miniature horse. Okay. You pass my test. Elephants, Emmy's favorite animal for a while. And then she, and now she says elephants and pigs. I don't quite understand it.

Wow. But elephants, would they be as popular with kids if they weren't as big? If they were like the size of a medium-sized dog. It's like a giraffe. If a giraffe had a normal neck, you'd be like, so what? Yeah.

So what? That deer needs. That deer needs to lay down. Yeah. Yeah. Look at your dumb nubs on the top of your head. But it's almost like giraffes should be considered weird because of their neck. We should be, but we've normalized it somehow.

We have. Normalized. You know, we should be looking at giraffes going like, that's fucking crazy. Is it's neck broken? You know, in the Santa Barbara Zoo, I believe, which we went to a few times, that the giraffe had a like crook in its neck and it had to have a sign in it saying, I would get my money back. Saying this is a natural thing.

This is not an injury. She feels no pain. She feels no pain. I would never believe that. You don't have to ask us about this. None of us did this. Why aren't you taking care of it? Certainly not, Jeff.

No one took a piano wire to it. All right. I'm trying to garot a giraffe. I personally feel like we answered that. Garat and giraffe are very similar words. They're so similar. I wonder if... And similar concepts.

I wonder if it comes from the actual root word because a garot goes around the neck and giraffe has a big long neck. Yeah, it has to. You seem so bored. No, Google it. I actually want to know that now. GA and GI.

I like when things are like that. Yeah. Okay. Garot and giraffe. Let's see what comes. They're sounding less similar now. Yeah, I feel like you should have. Let's just see what comes up from this.

Graph. Etymology. The name giraffe has a surprisingly global linguistic history. Surrogating. From the Arabic Zarafa. Oh, sure. And I don't think Garat shares that. Okay.

Yeah, I don't think so. But I'm going to... Pretty quick clearing that up. Garat comes from Spanish garat meaning cudgel or stick. Weird. Okay. Things are weird in this life. Man, that's the truth.

There's no explanation for them sometimes. Well, Brenda, I hope that that made sense to you and thank you for calling in. I would drop the voice you're using when you are talking to customers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems problematic. at best. Yeah, it was a little weird. But you know.

But look, if you would like to leave a voicemail for us, we're trusting that by the time you're hearing this, everything's going to be okay. Go to hagclaysday.com. And if you want to, in fact, if you want to, in your voicemail at the end, tag it with, fuck you, little Richard Sherooby.

Yeah. Because he deserves that. He deserves to hear it, although I'm worried if he hears that he's going to be now sending all of those voicemails back at double speed. But if, If things work out the way I think they're going to work out, he won't be able to do that anymore,

and he'll be trapped without having any effect on the voice. I think things are going to work out the way you think things are going to work out. It should be a Twilight Zone ending for Little Richard Cherubi. I hope that's true. It really should. And of course, his name is spelled L-I-T-L-E-E-T-L-E-E-R-I-C-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-R-R-R-D-R-E-R-R-E. And then you know how to spell Cheruby. No, people, people, they need to know this.

Okay, let's hear it. S-H-E-R-U-B-I-S-R-R-U-B-I-S-R-R-U-B-R-E. Shrubi. That's right. It's not to be confused with the Naxe, my, Shirona. No. Although, do we wander around singing, Little Richard Cheruby.

Yeah. Little, little, little, little, Woo! Little Richard, Cheruby. Woo! Okay, it is June 25th. Yeah. Paul and I are on the Comedy Bang Bang Tour and we're in Philadelphia.

tonight. My hometown. Your hometown. Come on out. It's your hometown. It's your hometown. My hometown. My hometown. Thank you.

Thank you. Mom. And then we're going to Fairfield, Connecticut, and then Portland, Maine over the next couple of days. And then in July, in the back half of July, we're going to London, Glasgow, Manchester leads Bristol in Dublin and that'll be Paul and I and our good friend Andy Daly will be on all of those shows.

It's a three-hander much like the play art. Yes, or betrayal. Oh, what's that? It's a Harold Pinter play that goes backwards in time. Oh, no! Mm-hmm. There's a time for me to eat my salad yet, Daddy. It's salad time.

It's salad time. Everyone out there eat your salads. And we'll see you next week. And we'll talk about the schedule next week. Okay, bye. Bye.