Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! 2016 Tour Best Of Pt. 1

Episode Date: August 27, 2026

Scott, Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkus look back at some of their favorite moments on the road and on stage during the Comedy Bang! Bang! 2016 Tour. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lemonada. Man, when you're a kid, summer freedom means sleeping in, no homework, and no one telling you what to do. Freedom looks a little bit different when you're an adult. Sometimes it's just finding easy ways to make life less expensive and less complicated, like finally ditching that overpriced phone bill. Well, that is why I was excited about Mint Mobile's summer sale. I switched to Mint Mobile because I realized I was paying way too much for a service. just needed to work. The switch, it's incredibly easy. I kept my phone, kept my number, immediately started saving money. Mintmobile gives you premium wireless with high-speed data,

unlimited talk and text, all on the T-Mobile 5G network. You can choose from three, six, or 12-month plans, and skip that traditional monthly bill. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's it. There's no catch. Up front payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months, plan required $15 per month equivalent, taxes and fees extra, initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy, includes up to 20 gigabytes hotspot, capable device required, availability, speed, and coverage varies. see mintmobile.com.

In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision, to make every drive extraordinary.

Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for Canada, calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Freedom! Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to Threatom, and I know what you're thinking. Why is it just Scott Ackerman?

Threatom is Paul, Lauren, and Scott. Well, there's this very simple explanation for this. We're on vacation. And we're not doing new episodes until September. In three weeks, I believe we return, with our exciting episode 300. which is a huge milestone for us. So until then, until we come back, we decided we would fill the void, as they say.

I don't know who says that, but with old episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from our 2016 tour. Now, if you've been listening over the past few weeks, you know we've played almost every single episode from that tour, the official tour. We then added some dates in England that Lauren was unable to go to, as well as Australia. Lauren and Paul were both there. We had a great time holding koalas.

But what are we going to hear today? We're going to hear something called 2016 Tour Best of Part 1. Now, over the next three weeks, we're going to be playing these Tour Best ofs. And these have a very special place in Freedom lore, because what these were were just episodes that we recorded in studio where we played clips from the tour for subscribers over at Earwolf. And you will hear us basically like we hadn't done episodes as ourselves in the studio together before this. And this is basically why we started doing freedom. is these episodes.

So because we liked the chemistry between us and we thought it was very, very fun. You'll hear us having fun. You'll hear us. It goes off the rails similarly to Threatom over the next three episodes. So you're going to hear these over the next three weeks, Best Up, Part 1, 2, and 3.

This is Paul Lauren and myself introducing clips from the tour and telling stories from the tour. And these are basically just episodes of freedom. So I think you're going to enjoy. them. If you don't know what comedy bang bang is, by the way, it's a different podcast that I host a fake talk show where I have comedians like Lauren and Paul on playing fake characters. That's all you need to know about it. So enjoy this. This, we're going to be back in three weeks with

episode 300, new episode. But until then, enjoy this episode of Freedom. Comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy bang. Comedy bang, bang, comedy bang, comedy, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, how, bang, comedy, bang, comedy, hi there. Also, ho there. Welcome to... Before bro there. Oh, there. Hey there, hi there.

Oh, there before pro there. It starts already. Oh, yes. Welcome, welcome, welcome to part one of the Comedy Bang Bang Tour, 2016 Best of here as a Howl exclusive. My name is Scott Ackerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang Proper. And...

Proper. Does that what they call Law and Order? Do they call it like Law and Order Proper or Law and Order Prime? Danielle Canning, very funny comedian, used to call regular Law & Order Law & Order Plain. And then Law & Order Sprinkles is the SVU. Or Peanut. Oh, Peanut. Peanut.

That sounds like penis. Because of Christopher Malone. He's his nickname. Christian Maloney. His name is Peanut? They call him Peanut. Hey, Peanut. Your scene is ready.

That would be very odd. Hey, Peanut. Can you just hit your mark right over here? Why did they call him that? Because his head shaped like one? Whoa, throwing shade immediately off the bat. When I think of his dome, I think of a peanut. Sheld.

Oh, a sheld peanut. Sheld, of course. Sheld, of course. No hair on it. Salty. Salty to the lick. I hate a hairy peanut. Let me get about to introducing these.

Let me get about to introduce it. Oh, do you have a mint, juelip? for me, let me get about introducing. We're going to hear sort of that voice from you a little later. I'm of course Scott Ackerman, and before I introduce everyone, let me tell you what you're about to hear.

We went on tour this year during the month of May. We went to several cities, I believe we went to 19 cities, did 28 shows, played to in front of 30,000 people, and we had a really fun time, and I'm here with some of

the people. I'm afraid people are going to think that we were playing to 30,000 people in every city. I think that's, I think you're deliberately letting people jump to that conclusion. You think that I'm deliberately doing it. Yeah, I think you're trying to exalt the tour. We played to exactly 30,000 people. I cut off ticket sales. Every show, I counted every single person that went in.

And at the last show in Vancouver, we were sold out, but I wouldn't let about 150. 50 people in because I was like, no, we're exactly 30,000 people. Some of the people who went with me are here. The ones who are on every show are here with me today. And we're going to be counting down. We're not even counting down. We're just playing. Yeah, there's no countdown.

Just talking about it. What if it was a countdown, but it was in chronological so that the number one was the very last show we did? It'd be cool. All right. The reviews are in. We're not counting down, but we are playing. clips from... We're just counting.

We're just numbering clips. We're counting parallel. We are playing clips from each of the shows. Now each of the shows are here on Howl and you can listen to them in full, but this is a handy little clip show if you want to hear the best of. And let me introduce the people that are joining me right now.

You have, of course, the Beast from the East from Philadelphia. He took on Rocky himself. right. Creed. That's right. They call me Creed. Paul Creed Tompkins.

Hi there. How are you, Creed? You know, first of all, don't call me that. I have my own identity separate from my father's Apollo Creed. You're Paul of Tompkins. But by the end of this best of you're going to be called Creed. I will accept the mantle of Creed. Okay.

Your dad's Apollo, A-P-A-U-L-O. That's exactly correct. What if Creed was like king or like president? It was a mantle that he accepted by the end instead of just a name. It seems like that's what they were going for. They were crowning him creed. Yeah. That movie was profoundly okay, I thought.

I will say it was the Widow Halap's maybe second favorite movie of the year. She related to it, though, in ways that I could not. I'll never see it. You think you'll go to your grave without seeing the movie Creed? I'll make sure of it. So even if it's on, like a plane or something, you just will not watch it. Like a snake or something? Speaking of never seeing it here, I'm about a second.

Let's not let like a snake or something go unnoticed. I heard it. Yeah, I heard it. That's all. I don't want you to get away with it. Okay. Get away with it. Like I'm sneaking jokes in.

Snake in jokes. Snaking. Snaking them in. Speaking of never seeing it, this performer is actually invisible. And if you came to see us on the tour, you would have found that out. We have never seen it. It. Yeah, we don't even know if it is a.

man or woman. We're assuming this thing is human. Yeah, that's true. We don't even know a human. You know, we're assuming the invisible man or woman, but, you know, it could be the invisible Martian for all we know. And as a matter of fact, John Johns, the Martian Manhunter, can turn invisible. That's true.

Lauren Lapkis is doing this. Hello. I'm a woman. Lauren, are you a fan of moldy old comic books that no one reads? No. So you don't know about John, what is it, John Jones? John Jones. I actually think it would be John Jones.

Of course, I didn't get that reference. He was a Martian and he was the last of his kind. He came to Earth and he became a detective and he could ship, shape, ship, shaped. Ship-shaped. He was in ship-shaped condition when he turned into another human being. This is the beginning. We're at the very beginning. We're at the very beginning.

We're doing three of these best ofves, by the way, and we're doing it sort of like what Paul and I do on the best of the end of the year for the comedy bang bang plane, where we're taping all of these in one sitting, and by the end we will be insane. Yay! Much like the tour. Exactly.

Exactly. So guys, you joined me, and I hope you don't mind me saying guys. Should I be more gender neutral with that? What would you say otherwise? Performers? Yes, please say that. Gene Rayburn. You performers joined me

Did you say Lauren's name? Yeah, he did Oh, okay. Lauren Lapcuss. I don't like that? You don't like any other pronunciation of your name other than the correct one. Say it right.

Lauren Lapcus. Lapcus. There we go. Do you like it Lapkiss or lapkoss? Do you like it Lapkiss? Yes, I do, maybe. Oh, perfect. What is the most common mispronunciation of your last name?

I actually get Lupkis a lot. Lupkis. I'm like, you're not reading. at that point. Do you think they're transposing letters? Maybe. Scott, what about you? What's the most common misproniation of your name?

Ackerman, of course. Of course. I was speaking... That was a gimmy. Come on. I was speaking with Mullen Ackerman, who is constantly called Ackerman. And meanwhile, I am called Ackerman, too.

Wait, is that right? I thought her name was Mullen Ackerman. Mullen Ackerman is her name. Malin Ackerman. Oh, geez, this story is really going off the rails. Both of her name. Both of her names are confusing, and she needs to change. She needs to change.

She needs to change. She needs to kankai. Every time she's on screen, there should be a pronunciation guide of her real name. That's right. Not her character's name. No one needs to know it while they're watching the show. You're watching Watchmen, and who watches the Watchman? I do.

Of course, that was the answer to that age-old question. Now, that's the movie I've pledged. It's the only movie I'll ever watch. Oh, great. Yeah. You will only watch the Watchman. I made a bad choice. I wish I'd picked a different movie.

I'm not enjoying it. Are you a fan of all along the watchtack? Sure I am. So you're getting your daily dose. Very clever. Do you watch it every day? Every damn day. E.D.

E.D. my friend. Every damn day. Every damn day. Erectile dysfunction disorder. So guys, you came on the tour. We went around the country. Let's describe it. We went to the East Coast.

We went to the South. We went to the Midwest, and then we went to the West Coast. Actually, we did do it. We went to Canada. Certainly the East Coast encompasses Canada. Went up north. In Vancouver. But we also did one mountain show in Denver.

Yeah. I remember that mountain show we did. Oh, yeah, I felt weird. Yeah. Did you guys, and we'll get to it when we get to Denver, but did you feel like you were running out of air the entire time? Excuse me. I just hiccpped. I remember feeling something weird that day, but I can't remember what I felt.

Maybe I was really tired. That's what it was. Well, we're going to go through the tour and see how we felt for every. every show. We're going to... Spoiler alert. Give him something to hang on for. Spoiler alert, we're going to get more and more tired as we go along.

Where were you going to say, Creed? I definitely felt it, and I, because I remembered... Well, you smelt it as well. He who felt it smelt it? And who shit it? Who shit it? Whoever quit it, shit it? Whoever said quit it, shit it?

Is that a new one? You must have to quit it. You deny, you let it fly. So if someone farts and you go, hey, quit it, they're the person who actually shit it? Yeah. Okay. It makes sense. They're trying to throw out suspicion.

I definitely felt it when, like, but it was like a thing where I didn't know why I felt so bad, like why I was having such a hard time breathing. And then I remember that we were a mile in the air. One full mile. And of course, we all had sex and joined the mile high club. That was cool. On a technicality. On stage. That was a weird show.

Funniest one yet. People loved it. I don't recall it. Here's something that the listener should know. We don't remember any of the shows. We were looking at the descriptions of some of the clips that you were about to hear, and we don't remember one damn thing that we said in any of these. Maybe the first one that we're going to hear from the Los Angeles show is maybe one of the ones I remember the most,

simply because it was the first. And so it's kind of ingrained in there of like, oh, this is an important one. who was a hometown show. We played at the Ace Hotel Theater here in L.A. And for about 1900 people, I believe, it was one of our bigger audiences sold out pretty amazing lineup. Let's talk about who was there. Let's talk about it. People have a right to know.

I thought you meant in the audience. Yeah, let's talk about the audience. Who was there? Some dude named Matt. Probably. Neil DeGrasse Tyson, I think. Well, we had Beth?

Yeah, Beth was there. Didn't see her? Didn't see her? Beth's there? Didn't see her? Oh, you didn't see her? Didn't see her? Didn't see her, didn't see her?

Can't finish? Can't finish? Can't finish? Can't finish? Can't finish? Can't finish? Nah, I got that. Not got that. I was going to do us and all the whole time. We had, on the show, we have, of course, Paula's here doing, you were doing Werner Herzog. Paula is here.

Paula is here. Paula is here. Hey y'all, I'm going to deep fry a stick of butter, and I'm going to say a word you're not going to like. New character. NCA, new character alert. We got to hook up the new character alert. It's not going off for some reason. What's going on here?

Engineer Ryan, come on. Paul was doing Werner Herzog, which big hit, and we'll hear a little bit of Werner in a second. And Lauren was doing Big Sue. Also a big hit. You had recently done on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show, but that had not aired yet. So I was pretty familiar with Big Sue and your rhythms because you had just done it. Ritoms. The rhythm.

Respect my neck. The rhythm. But you'd only done Big Sue once on Comedy Bang Bang Plain. Yeah. And so this was sort of reintroducing the audience to Big Sue, who became a favorite along the way. We also had Weird Al Yankovic Did a little bit on the show He came out

We're not going to be hearing from him And Jason Manzoukas was there Constantly shooting down everything I said And Nick Kroll was there as the Mailer Demon So just a wonderful star-studded show And I remember lying on the ground at one point Yeah, me and you and Jason We were lying on the ground

Looking up at the pretend stars And you were Werner Herzog and we were reenacting dazed and confused as I recall. That came into play at some point, yes. We were reenacting the scene where they look up at the sky and talk about what they want to do

with their life or something. And then I did the, as Warner, I did the quote from Matthew McConaugh about high school girls. Which someone was doing a story on Werner Herzog and so I was interviewed for this story and was asked to

confirm that that happened. Confirm that you did that? That that moment in the show happened. What? We're like, is this word incorrect? And I said, yes. Did you say I can neither confirm nor deny? And then hang out?

What an interesting thing that they would put that in there. I know. Has it come out yet? Can we read this story? I have no idea. Is this gotcha journalism, do you think? This was a story. I think, I don't know if it was the same person.

Somebody was trying to get me to do some interview about Warner Herzog and why everyone finds him so funny. And I was like, I don't want to talk about that. because I feel like... He's a man and he's worth our respect. Oh, I thought the article was about him and then they came to you also as a side note. That's exactly what it is. Oh.

Yes. It was an article about Werner-Rits up. And why people find him so funny comedically or whatever. And I was like, well, I guess a bunch of people do now. I sort of felt like... You were one of the first, yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, he was on Parks and Rec sort of like,

it kind of felt like runoff pussy, you know, to them from your impression. It probably did feel that way to them. I bet everyone was in talking. This feels like runoff pussy. Felt like that to the audience is what I do. It's a weird thing because I can't claim, like I can't claim credit for that.

You know what I mean? Well, if you were Dana Carvey and you were the first person to go, Nagada, you can claim credit for it. But that is not the situation. Now, did you say Nagada da? Is that true? Senator Carvey. Did you say Nagada?

in front of this panel. What happened? What did you? I was pretending to be a lawyer in covering the mic and whispering in Dana Carvey's ear. Now, that was for the people at home who can't see that.

Fuck you, howl of them listeners. Well, that's one of the biggest catchphrases of the tour. Not gonna see it. We'll talk about the cash phrases as we go along, but why don't we listen to this clip?

Can I read the description? Well, I don't know that we want to, why don't we read it afterwards because we don't want to spoil some things that people are going to listen. I don't know that these are spoilers because they did not spoil anything for me. That's true.

So what do we need to set up based on this description? Big Sue is a character, Lauren, describe her. She loves pizza. That's her passion. Eating it. Oh, absolutely. She loves to eat it. Like the Weird Al song.

Oh, man. Man, Lauren just got up and walked away from the table and disgust. And she has a store called Carpets Rugs down there, which sells carpets and rugs. And this is the first time that Werner and Big Sue were meeting. And I don't know whether that's spoiling anything, but they struck up an attraction was formed. See, I have a feeling that is not going to be. I have a feeling that tonight's going to be a good night. That tonight's going to be.

a good good night. Can you talk about milf money, by the way? I haven't watched it. You haven't watched it yet? Yet, I don't think I ever will. What is anyone talking about? Look at milk money. Kim Kardashian's got our tities out with some milk dripping down.

Fantastic. Dripp and milk. It's the perfect video for Jason Manzuka's podcast, of course. Yes. Well, here's the thing. Talk and Tang, drip and milk. I don't think that that will be included in the clip because here's the description that I don't think gives anything away.

Okay. It is bare minimum. Big Sue describes her love of pizza and her thriving company Carpets Rugs Down There. Warner directs an elaborate commercial for Big Sue's wet rug company. I feel like it's like a synopsis for a TV show on my God. It's just generic enough, just generic enough to go, okay, that's accurate, but. Like it'll remind you if you've seen that one. Right.

Yeah. Which we saw it, we don't even remember. But I guess, okay, carpets rugs down there. All of your carpets are. wet because of stopped up toilets and backed up toilets, overflowing toilets. But she describes that. That's going to be in there.

Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe not. You're doing spoilers. No, no, no. No. Sir, sir, I would direct you to the synopsis. It says he directs a commercial.

No, but no, the first sentence. She describes her love of pizza and her thriving company. I don't know. Anyway, we'll start this out. Listen to this. This is the very, very first show from the Ace Hotel. This is the Los Angeles show. with Werner Herzog, Big Sue,

Jason Manzukas, and the Mailer Demon. Do you guys like pizza? I love a round pizza pie. I start with a crust, a round crust. You start eating it with a crust? Wait, are you making a pizza? I like when I'm ordering a pizza, I want them to have a round bottom

and the tomato sauce base. I like a cheese on top of that. Maybe sausage, maybe pepperoni. You're talking about the most basic pizza. I love pizza. But Big Sue, can I ask you? What if you go into an establishment and they make like a Sicilian-style square pizza? A square pizza.

That is the type of pizza that this place specializes it. I like a round pie. I saw with a round base, a crust. Yeah. What a red sauce, tomato sauce, red. You typically, unless it's a pesto, not my favorite. But will you walk out of a restaurant that says we only have the capabilities to make a square pizza? If the sign says we only have the capability to make a square pizza, I won't even go in.

Oh, wow. So you expect the signage on a pizza restaurant to announce the shape of the pizza within. I assume it's round until proven otherwise. Sure. I have, Big Sue, if I may, I have some potentially terrible news for you. Oh, God. I recently heard that pizza may be linked to pancreatic cancer. So I just, I urge you to be.

I heard you to be. That, I believe, is still untested theory, though. Honestly, I'm willing to take the risk. You love pizza so much. I love pizza so much. It's worth getting pancreatic cancer. What if you saw a sign in a pizza parlor that said, our pizza is worth the risk of pancreatic cancer?

Is the sign in the parlor or on the outside? It's on the outside. I'll go in. And why don't you fix your toilet? I don't think we've ever talked about that. It's very personal, Scott. You're the one who brought it up. I just tell you why the carpets are wet.

Well, I don't fix it because everyone likes a wet rug. They're selling off the floors. Everyone likes a wet rug? You betcha, buddy. That doesn't sound great, Big Sue. Well, it sounds great to most. Also, you keep the carpets on the rug? I keep the carpets on the rug.

So they're stacked up? Stack, stack, stack. You flip through like a book. Find the one you like. So when you come in, the ceilings are what? 12 feet high. The ceilings are this big. Because the rugs are up to the...

The rugs are so high. We've got so many rugs. Oh, wow. If people... Yeah, you got to just lay down once you walk in. So all of their carpets are soaked through with toilet water. Use the toilet water. Yeah, a lot of doo-do and pee pee in there.

If just used toilet water full of pizza shit. Yep. We are good. We get it. Yeah. But like from pooping of the pizza. Yes. Here is my question.

If we could stop talking about used toilet water for one moment, if the carpets are stacked like a book and people have to flip through and they are soddened with this used toilet water, do you have people assisting customers who are trying to get to the bottom carpet to see that one? Because I imagine it would be very difficult to lift. Yeah, there's a man. Every four carpets down.

Helping you get to the next. Yeah. Inside. Inside. Scuba mask. Wow. I'm going to, like, controversially,

I feel like this is a business that I wouldn't mind Werner Herzog doing a commercial for. Oh, I'd love you to, I need a new ad. I would be honored to do it. How would it go? Do you have an idea?

I need a pitch. What's the name of the business? Carpets rugs down there. Carpets rugs down. there. Yeah. You realize what that sounds like too. Huh. Can I ask Sue, would you also star in the commercial with Verder? I'd love to be on television, sure. Am I invited as your wife? Of course. Yes, you may play. Now, would you be playing a completely different person than yourself? Are you Big Sue,

who is also married to the gentleman in the commercial? I think the viewer would have to decide for themselves. I like this very much. Yeah. Because that's what you want. in commercials. Real, like, vague, vague specifics. Ambiguity. You need to be able to read into it. Can I ask, Werner, are you yourself or are you Doug? I am repeasing my role as Doug.

Doug now, we joined Doug now at a different point in his life where his previous wife from the washing machine commercial has left. And Doug was briefly indicted for the murder of someone in the neighborhood but it was established he was trying to figure out his washing machine at 4 a.m. and could not have killed the woman two blocks away. Oh, what a convenient alibi.

It was this that ended his marriage. The wife testified on his behalf and then said, Doug, we are finished. So Doug now... And when did we meet? During jury selection. Oh, good. Our eyes locked

as you were being questioned, by the prosecuting attorney. I pretended to be racist so I could get out, but I slipped you my number. That's right. Yes. You pulled the fire alarm on the way out of the courtroom. And when we were all standing outside waiting to go back in,

you put your number into Doug's coat pocket. Yes. The character Doug's pocket. Yes. Fade in. Okay. Are we seated on stools in the commercial? Yes.

It's exactly as people see us. now. We are facing each other sitting on stools. Can I ask, are we extras in the commercial? No. It's fair. It was nice of him to answer our questions. Fade in a ticking

clock. It is one of those things where the battery is clearly running down and so the second hand just ticks in the same place over and over again. We do not know what time it is. A coyote wanders through the store.

with a dead skunk in its jaws. The camera pans over to Doug and Big Sue sitting in the middle of carpets and rugs down there. They are on stools facing each other. Good afternoon, honey. Is it I have ceased to be aware of what time it is at any point of the day?

I also don't really know because I hate you so much. Not as much as I hate myself. Oh, good. So come on down to carpets and rugs down there. If you buy two remnants, you'll get a free kite. Two remnants. Is that what you said?

You're in the carpet business. You have to know. Explain it to everyone else. Remnants of carpet so you can try a sample at home. Is that what you mean? Yeah, I would assume you're up to your eyeballs in soggy, remnants at this point. Well, did you like the commercial?

It did make me want to buy a rug, although it didn't have in it what I feel like is the true selling point is that all of the rugs are soaking wet. Oh yeah, we forgot to mention that. I forgot to include there would be close-ups of the dripping toilet water

coming off of each rug. That makes sense. Yeah, that's good. That's better. That's better, yeah. Yeah. Fantastic. This is great, too. Fantastic. Yeah. How much business have you done over the past. How many units have you shipped it? Oh, units, thousands and thousands of units I've shipped. Its business has been booming for 25 years.

25 years? Yeah. But the wet rugs are a recent addition. That's new, yeah. Will you keep it? Do you find that it's successful enough that you will now make that your kind of signature? Well, yeah, I kind of have to keep wetting the rugs because they keep drying up. So I found different ways to do that.

Did you ever fix that toilet? It's still leaking. I feel like you would like that, slowly running forever. There is something that is comforting about it. I feel like you guys have a real connection. Yeah. This is like... It's weird, but there is like electricity between. This is like The Bachelor when you guys have found a bench outside.

And I have said, can I steal you for a second? Well, I do need to tell you I have a kid. When Big Sue told me that she had a child, I thought this is awesome. She is clearly a great mom, and maybe this is the way I can have a family right away, and this will be my future. Thank you for sharing a testimonial with me.

You're going to be such a good dad. I may already be, I'm not sure. I need someone to remind me of my details. That's what I'm here for. Oh, what a clip. What a clip. W. AC. With Mark Marin.

Wack, whack, whack. The whack pack. That clip was certainly part of the whack pack. It can't be this fucking off the rails this soon. We got to pace ourselves. It's just going to be noises by the end. I know. Nagada.

Do you guys have? Do you have impressions of that show? What do you remember about the Los Angeles show? I remember it was really fun and it felt really exciting because it was the first show of the tour and there was a great audience. And a great venue I'd never been there before. And we got blankets,

which I talked about for the whole tour. The Ace Hotel gave us blankets. Lauren. The graphic novel. There was not based on the legend. About Michael Jackson's son. Real legend. Yeah.

There was not a day on the tour that Lauren did not say, guys remember when we got those blankets from the East Hotel. I think they set me up to think I might get a present everywhere I went. I didn't. No, the promoters of that show were big fans and gave us these beautiful, just Native American-looking. Pendleton blankets, which are expensive. Yeah, so that was very nice.

And then that was early on in the tour when, Lauren, you had requested your own dressing room. I didn't request that. They didn't ask them a girl. No, no, no. You had it in your writer. Oh, well, I didn't make that up. Well, I believe you're, I believe you're representative. Someone's looking out for you.

Well, for when I changed my tampon during the show. But I, I, like clockwork. The only reason I bring it up is because everyone was in our dressing room and then you had this separate room. And then you ended up just hanging out in our room. And then you never went into your own dressing room on any of it. I never knew I got my blanket. No, yeah. And I didn't get to go to my, I didn't go to my room on any show because it was no fun in there by myself.

Exactly. We were, we had more fun hanging out. Neil Campbell opened that show That was the first time that we had seen his opening set And he absolutely destroyed I would say that was the best His best tour stop was that very first one I was like slay queen

I was crying on the side It was so funny Fries on the side I was fries on the side Boys on the side Rape But Probably

And people were saying Hey why don't you release Neil's Probably People were saying This is the movie you have not seen I saw it when I was young I don't really remember But it's such a good chance

There was a rape in there Gilbert grape Gilbert grape What's eating him People were saying Why don't you release Neal's opening stand-up set And it's because

Well A it never changed I mean he changed it around Certainly per tour He would do little minor tweaks to it Or you know Change the order of it But also it's stand-ups So it's kind of like his property, his intellectual property to do with what he pleases.

Maybe, you know, down the road, he'll release an album or he'll, you know, we'll film it for a special or something like that. But at this point, that's why none of the opening sets ever made it to the recordings here on Howl because they are traditionally just more stand-up based. You had to be there. People were hounding you. It was like the Benghazi emails. Oh, my God. Remember all those emails about Benghazi? That was what it was, right?

Yeah. It was just her like slamming Benghazi. And they were like, we're going to catch you. We're going to catch you emailing. We're going to get you talking shit about Bengh Gauze. They had to be in the room when she did it though and watch her do it. That's right. And then they would have caught her. Look, if you've seen me, you know I've been meaning to do something about my smile for a while.

Okay. But the thought of adding another series of appointments to my calendar kept me from actually doing it. But Smile Set makes the process so much easier because you can do it from home. Now, I got some amazing products from SmileSense. I have a brand new sanitizing tray for my retainers. I can get a whole new retainer with a kit that I make from home, and I have a whitening kit now, whitening pen, which is amazing and so easy.

Now, what I love about SmileSet, it's so easy, it's so convenient. If you're interested in straighten your teeth, you can get doctor-prescribed clear aligners for under $1,800 with your personalized treatment plan reviewed and approved by dental professionals. You start with an at-home impression kit, which you can do if you just want a retainer as well like I did, and have your aligners delivered right to your door, and you're able to keep track of your progress through the SmileSet app.

Now, they also offer nighttime-only options with payment plans starting at $89 a month, which is so great. It's a professional-grade solution without the professional-grade markup, and it's already helped treat over 2 million smiles with this technology, and I love that I can pursue my smile goals without rearranging my life around appointments. Listeners of our show get additional 35% discount when they go to Smileset.com slash With this discount, you can get the smile of your dreams for under $1,200.200. Go to Smileset.com slash freedom to get started.

Smileset.com slash freedom. If you've been sitting on a business idea, maybe it's time to stop thinking about it and actually make it happen. Shopify gives you everything you need to start selling so you can spend less time figuring out the setup and more time building the thing you actually want to build. And honestly, imagine that moment when your first customer is ready to pay. Shopify checkout helps more customers actually finish their purchase. And when they come back, their details are already saved, so one tap and they're done.

And because Shopify handles the setup and checkout, you get more time back to focus on growing your business and doing the things that actually move it forward. Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide, from huge names like Mattel and Jim Shark to small businesses just getting started. With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash freedom. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash freedom. Man, when you're a kid, summer freedom means sleeping in, no homework, and no one telling you what to do. Freedom looks a little bit different when you're an adult.

Sometimes it's just finding easy ways to make life less expensive and less complicated, like finally ditching that overpriced phone bill. Well, that is why I was excited about Mint Mobile's summer sale. I switched to Mint Mobile because I realized I was paying way too much for a service. I just needed to work. The switch, it's incredibly easy. I kept my phone, kept my number, immediately started saving money. Mint Mobile gives you premium wireless with high-speed data, unlimited talk and text, all on the T-Mobile 5G network.

You can choose from three, six, or 12-month plans and skip that traditional monthly bill. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to Mintmobile. slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's it. There's no catch. Up front payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 months, plan required $15 per month equivalent, taxes and fees extra, initial plan term only. greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabytes hotspot capable device required availability speed and coverage varies cement mobile dot com um all right let's move on to number two now that was a hometown show we uh we finished it and we went to our own little beds great hs yes yeah we went home that was on a saturday night

and then come Tuesday we got on a plane and we went to New York City And would you believe it The building so tall I saw the big apple I went up to the statue

Several times The Statute statue The Liberty of course Oh yeah Thank you I got a slice of New York style pizza What was it like? It was thin and greasy

just like I like it. You have to admit there's something in the water there that goes into the joke. No, because it's like the bagels are better or the pizza's better. Yeah. So we spent Tuesday night

at a hotel in New York City and then the very next day we went up to lovely Terrytown and yes. People need to know that we went to New York for a minute. It was cool. Do you think they're on a need-to-no basis

with this program? Or we're just like bullshitting about it? Hey. Hey, we also had another guest that's not listed here. Yes, we did, but I don't know whether they're in the clip. Yeah. If you know what I mean.

But we can talk about it. I do. I'd like to. Bonnie Ray would. She wants to give you something to talk about. She's not going to talk about herself. Why didn't she ever do a follow-up song? Now we have something to talk about. We gave them something to talk about.

Did they are, like, obviously there was a plan to give them something to talk about? It's like going to watch Ocean's 11 and they talk about the plan to rip off the casinos and then it ends. Yeah. Come on, Bonnie Ray. It. I would like to hear. Give us the third act. The sequel song, we certainly gave them something to talk about.

We talked for a good 45 minutes. They're still talking about us. So we went up to Terrytown, New York, which is where, right by... After spending a night in New York, it's sleepy, right by Sleepy Hollow. That's right. Beautiful part of the country. And this was our first out-of-town date, and we were all excited, and it was the four of us. And what did we do?

We drove there. That was fun. Yeah, that was cool. All drove in a... Did we all drive together or was... We all drove at the same time. We had two cars. We had two cars with five steering wheels.

We all had brakes and accelerators. It was a mess. We each had our own steering wheel. Yeah. We all drove. I forgot. Fully onto the bit. I really just zoned up for a second.

I don't believe you. Missed it. Scott did all the driving. Yeah. I did. Other people offered to drive. Really forcefully. Well, I was the only person on the, you know, the rental agreements.

It was very responsible of you. And I felt safe. I also felt safe, but I felt a little guilty. Oh, please don't. I wanted to make sure that you guys, you know, I didn't want to die by your hands. I wanted to die by my own hands if I were to die. That makes sense. And kill us.

And I wanted to die by your hands. So it all worked out. I wish I were dead. So we drove to Terry Town and, you know, who lives locally. and acts globally is Brian Stack. That's right. The wonderful writer from Conan

who appeared now on Late Show with Stephen Colbert. And he's so nice. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met in the improv community. Very true. What about any communities?

He doesn't stack up in other communities? No. No. He's show business nice, but not like regular human nice. He's very fake. No, he's actually got a very good memory He always remembers the things you've shared and he will bring in the love.

He does have an amazing memory. That's true. Do you think that's essential in comedy and in writing comedy? Because if so, I am out of luck. I mean, I feel like it's probably helpful for someone like him. He's kind of cerebral and... A lot of people say good comedy is about listening or good improv is about listening and remembering things that have been said earlier in the show.

Yeah. What did I just say? It's helpful. You don't think you have a good memory? I think you do. You remember everything. from the billion episodes you've done. Sometimes I will get a comment like

someone said technicality during the show and you didn't say no down no boo over. It'll be like, I can't. I don't know, I was living my life. Sorry. While I was just recording a show. I have the thing on my show where, because Eben Schletter scores the whole thing

and so he'll do a lot of musical references as we're talking and performing. And a lot of times people like, Eben played this thing and nobody noticed. It's like, we're doing the thing. What are we supposed to do? Right. Yeah.

People in a scene... It's for you to notice. Yeah. Why do people do it, guys? Don't comment at me. Why do we do it? Why do we do it? I quit.

Well, speaking of Brian Stack, he was there with us. I don't believe we're going to hear him in this clip, but he played Michael Kane. And then he went into Sean Connery as well. There's a lot of good stuff with that later on in the show. but the clip we're about to hear. Now, we read the description of this clip that Engineer Ryan provided us with, but I believe Engineer Kevin actually wrote, we have no memory of any of these things happening.

No. Is that safe to say? No, yeah. I very vaguely remember Paul saying raccoons. So we're going to hear something about raccoons. We're going to hear about Wikipedia and we're going to, there's a reenactment of something that, None of us have any idea what this is about.

Not the slightest. I will say I remember the feeling on stage, and I think that's kind of true with every city when I look at it. I can remember what the theater looked like. I remember having fun and feeling what I was feeling. Yes. So even though I don't remember the specific moments, I still feel the vibe was very great. I remember it being a darker kind of room, and I remember the show being great and us leaving the stage going, wow, that went really, really well. And then especially like Brian, I think, had something really funny towards the end of the,

like it may have closed the show or something. I can't remember what it was. They had a really good connection. Yeah, we were just like, oh my God, that was so funny what you said. But I don't remember what it was, and I don't remember. I think he did have, like, the blow to the whole show, and I can't remember what it was. That was something that I was trying to get good at is the wrapping up the show part of it. That's difficult.

It's difficult. It's difficult. You do it in Askat, don't you? Yeah, but I still feel that's hard. I've only recently gotten used to, like, looking at a clock during a show. I usually leave it up to whoever else, but now with Ascad, I sometimes have to be in charge of it. You have to sort of look at the clock with one eye. Yeah.

And then your other eye has an eye patch over it, so it's like, it's difficult to do anything else. That to me has become a fun challenge, especially because my show... Do you do it for Spontaneity Nation? I have a timer. And what I really like about that responsibility is that you become very aware of all the potential moments. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I was, it's like, oh, that's almost it.

It's not, and you sort of feel that like, oh, we're getting there, we're getting there where, I don't know, it's even though the other people are not looking at the clock, they can't see it. I don't know. You know, it's funny. Is anytime I would go, that's our show, you would turn to me and chuckle and go, really? Like about half the time. I feel like I was always kind of surprised, but I think it was more based on, like, the timing. Yeah.

And sometimes it'd be like the line. You'd be like, the last thing I just said was so weird. Yeah. Well, sometimes, here's the thing. Sometimes there would be a perfect hour. and I would look down at the clock and we'd only been going 55 minutes and I'd go, we can't end now.

These people paid for an hour and a half show. And then sometimes there would be a perfect line and I would be just about to do it and someone would come in and say something and... You can say it was me. No, I mean... No, it was me. It usually...

It could have been anyone, but it would be like someone would have like a huge laugh and then I'd be just about to go, and then someone would like come in and tag it and I'd go, Oh, it was tagged. Oh, the air came out of the room now. No, it got a laugh, but it wasn't the huge laugh.

You know what I mean? So you can't do it then. And then sometimes you're like, God, damn it, there is nothing that we can end this show on. And that's sometimes why the shows would last a little longer because you'd be like, that's not it. But I feel like also like when you're thinking about someone kind of coming in after the big line, if you are one of us and you're not really thinking about the time or as aware of the time, you don't want to have like a big lull after a big great moment. So it's like your instinct is to want to keep it going. Yeah. So I feel like that could happen.

Yeah. That's easy to have happen. Yeah. Anyway, so that became something, if you listened to all of the shows and the ends of the shows, that became a challenge for us to figure out, especially with a couple of the shows. It just was like, we have nothing here. And you can hear us sort of struggling with it. Well, things would get so weird, you know.

It would just get so weird. You could hear a sort of struggle. Or me. Anyway, this show is not the case. I believe Brian had a great out for it. Oh, no. You can hear on the show. The ones you're talking about come much later.

Yeah. But let's listen to this show. This, I believe, only has Paul as Len Wiseman, who, Len Wiseman, if you're a regular listener of the show. He's from Cupertino, California. Hold on a second. He's from Fremont, California. He went to Cupertino, Ohio.

Okay, I was getting mixed up on. He's a good-looking young guy in his 40s. He directs movies. He directs me. He's director of the underworld franchise. That's right. And the producer of Sleepy Hollow on television. Which is why he was there.

That's right. He was scouting out Sleepy Hollow. So, Iron Clad. And then Regina Krimp is the singer and writer of the America's Funniest Home Videos theme song. And I can't remember what she was doing there at this point. She's pretty homeless at this point. And I don't know why she was in New York, but. But here it is.

Here we go. All right, let's listen to this clip. This is from Terrytown, New York. This is Len Wiseman, Regina Krimp, and myself. Anyway, I'm very excited to be here. And I'm not at all opposed to a sex party happening while I'm around. Oh, wow. This is a good-looking group of people.

I have a very active libido, and let me tell you something. I can see in the dark, and I'm looking around, I'm getting very hot and excited over here. Now, this is interesting. You say you can see in the dark. Is this what led you to the Underworld series of films? That's just a coincidence. Here's what led me...

I can only see one thing in the dark. Attractive people I want to have sex parties with. I can't see raccoons, even though they got the glowing on. they got the glowing eyes. I've run over 50 raccoons. I'm surprised every time.

Where are you driving that you come across? All over the place. I like to drive around in the woods. Sometimes I just go through a cornfield or whatever. Raccoons love corn. You know why? Because they got little hands, they can eat it right off the cob.

If you have a... Scott, shut up for a second. If you've ever seen a crowd of raccoons on the 4th of July having a little barbecue, I mean, they can't start. They don't have the gift of fire. That's like we do. The Jungle Book, it's a fun movie. No raccoons in Jungle Book. Well, it's in the jungle.

Oh, where all the bears are? All right, you got me. This guy. Indiana Jones over here knows all about a. what's animals are in the jungle. Is that what Indiana Jones is most known for? I don't know. I've never seen those films. I assumed because he's dressed like a safari guy.

No, no. He was all like, I'll tell you what animals are in the jungle and which aren't. That is not the main focus of the Indiana Jones series. I just assumed it was 90 minutes of him, because I heard he was a teacher. And it's like 90 minutes of him going, these animals are in the jungle, these animals aren't. He's an archaeologist, actually. Oh, so he digs up dead animals and he's like, this animal was never in the jungle.

We got a real mystery on our hands. Time to put on my thinking cap. I'm Indiana Jones. Maybe. I mean, I only saw him in the eight hours in those four films. Maybe he would do that in between the film. Eight hours in four films. So that's roughly two hours of film.

Very good. All right. Well, I'm a director. How many reels would that be? Oh, my God. 7,500. Really? Yep.

They used to make the film. It was so big in those days. Why did you ask that, sir? I just find you a curious person. Like, why would you yell that out? It's very strange to me. The gentleman thought he was on the match game, perhaps. That moldy old TV show from the 1970s?

Before my time, I'm afraid. Well, now, you are, of course, the director of Sleepy... Of course I am. I directed a couple episodes of Sleepy Island. I don't direct every single one. Sure, but you're here to do this one. What am I, Louie? He's very hands-on.

Did you get the Louie? I'm very hands-on after hours, you know what I'm saying? Sex parties. Am I invited? Of course you are. Your hair would be a hoot at the sex party. I want to have sex in your hair. You can.

It's filling up the whole place. It's like the blob. Did you ever see that movie? It's a horror movie. The original or the remake? I think if you know me, you know I'm a purest, and I only ever have seen the original film. I don't know you. There's no need. I heard they were going to do an all-female blob.

Why do we don't need to do it? Yeah, get that out of here. It's perfect like it is. Don't ruin my childhood. I am offended. Now look, honey, I don't mean to offend you, and I apologize if I've been, ungallant.

You are unattached currently. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. Here's the thing about marriage. It probably most often cannot withstand countless sex parties. How'd you lose your wife this time?

This time. How do you know how many times I've been married? I read every Wikipedia they ever was. You've read the entire time. of Wikipedia. Oh, yeah. How do you do it? Do you do it alphabetically, or do you click on every link that's in the first page you look at and then it leads you...

I go down a rabbit hole, yeah. Really? For eternity. Oh, did you read the Wikipedia about rabbits? Oh, yeah. They're not raccoons. That's all it said. The first thing it says?

Yeah, there's a lot of confusion. You know what? Can I brag for a second? I guess. I put that in there. How many Wikipedia pages have you edited over the years? 7,500. Your favorite number?

It's my lucky number. A lot of people's lucky numbers are like seven or ten or... A number that pops up more often. Well, then how lucky could they be? If they're so common. That's true. 7,500, that's nobody's lucky number except Len Wiseman. And that's been mighty good to you, huh?

It's got me through a lot. Let me tell you. Really? Let me tell you something. Let's say I'm going to catch a trade. Okay. And I say, oh, I'm running a little bit late.

Ooh, this could be funny. Yeah, are you videotaping it? Not normally, but I could be. Okay. Would you like me to reenact what it would be like if I'm late for a train? And then you could narrate it

and do the sound effects. Okay, great. So, coming out my door. I'm coming out my door. Oh, should I not talk? I need to know where it's going, so you should. That's, okay.

So I'm coming out my door. I'm coming out my door. I look at my watch. What time is it? Oh, would you believe it? It's 10 after 12, and my train is in five minutes. How will I get there? I've got to run a couple city blocks.

Impossible. Now, am I thinking it's impossible? Or is somebody actually saying it's impossible? You're talking, and then arm your thoughts. Okay, so I'm talking out loud saying, I need to catch this train, but I'm thinking it's impossible. Exactly. All right.

So, okay. So I say aloud, I know what to do. Count to my lucky number, $7,500. And then I make the train. What? Was that you or was that me thinking? That was your thought. That sounds about right.

So when you got on the train, you thought, what? Yeah. So you never should have been able. You can't count a 7,500 in five minutes. And you were going to stand in one place, count a 7500, and somehow you'd be, you'd make your train because it's your lucky number? Here's what I think it is. I think I go into a fugue state when I'm counting.

And then when I, when I awake and I have the moment of clarity, I find myself thinking, 7,500. And then I look around, I'm like, oh, I'm in a new place. It's fun sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. So you, uh, you're in town to do. Sleepy Hollow. Yeah, but also

scouting locations for a new picture that I'm going to do. And this is, you know, like I'm doing Underworld, doing Sleepy Hollow and I'm like, this is my thing. Lucifer. Lucifer, that's right. How many people are watching Lucifer? Four. Twice as many as I expected. Lucifer is a show about the devil, and he comes to Earth,

and then for some reason, he wants to help the police or does he? He does. I mean, it makes sense because Lucifer likes to punish criminals down there in hell. Yeah. So he wants to get to it here on Earth.

But you know what? I think his... We saw with the premise of Lucifer. He loves to torment the wicked in hell. But then he says, well, what about due process? So, I've been ignoring here for thousands and thousands of years.

So he goes back up to Earth and he's like, all right, book him, Dano. or one. Does he wear clothes? He wears all kinds of clothes. And he doesn't have a tail or little horns. I fought for that. You fought for him having them?

I fought for him having them. I'm like, he should be sexy. It's a sexy beast walking around with his little horns in his tail. It's like a devil ham guy. And he's like poking people with a pitchfork. Like, hey, you shouldn't have beat up that lady. Yeah.

Oh, what a clip. The whack pack. Waka, waka. Waka, waka! Oh, Kermit. That was fun. I recall meeting some nice people who promoted the show afterwards and taking some pictures. Yes.

And then we went back to the first in a series of Marriott Courtyards. The fifth character I like to call it. The Marriottes Courtyard became very comforting, though. Oh, absolutely. Some of them are really nice. Yes. Like certain cities I was like, this is a good room. Yeah, this is a good room.

Other cities I was like, ew. This is a bad role. You get it. You get the, like the existence of a traveling businessman who would go to the same hotel and how they cater to like, hey, look, you come here. Things are going to be pretty much in the same place everywhere you go. Yeah. All the bed will be here. The food is going to be exactly the same.

That is kind of nice. It is nice because as we found out, you can get some really bad hotels out there and be like, God, I just wish I had, I knew what the food was, I know what I like, I wish the bed were exactly what I like, you know. I wish this place I had a little snack shop like the courtyard by Marriott does. For my hoops, which come in Toronto. That's true. I love, spoilers.

Man, when you're a kid, summer freedom means sleeping in, no homework, and no one telling you what to do. Freedom looks a little bit different when you're an adult. Sometimes it's just finding easy ways to make life less expensive. and less complicated, like finally ditching that overpriced phone bill? Well, that is why I was excited about Mint Mobile's summer sale. I switched to Mint Mobile because I realized I was paying way too much for a service. I just needed to work. The switch, it's incredibly easy. I kept my phone, kept my number, immediately started saving money. Mint Mobile gives you premium wireless with high-speed

data, unlimited talk and text, all on the T-Mobile 5G network. You can choose from three, six, or 12-month plans and skip that traditional monthly bill. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's it. There's no catch.

Up front payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months, Plan required $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabytes hotspot, capable device required, availability, speed, and coverage vary. C mintmobile.com. I love a good home refresh, but I do not love spending of a trillion dollars to make my space feel new. Sometimes it's just one thing, a better storage solution, a cozy chair, or that piece of furniture that makes you go, wait.

Now, why didn't I do this sooner? Now, that's what I love about Wayfair. They make it so easy to find pieces that fit your style, your space, and your budget. I recently upgraded my coffee table. It completely changed my living room. It's wild how one little swap can make your home feel more like you. And when I'm shopping for furniture, I want something that looks good and actually holds up. That's where Wayfair verified comes in.

Their product specialists, hand vet pieces using a 10-point quality inspection, looking at everything from materials to functionality. I also love that you can see real customer photos and more than 20 million verified five-star reviews so you know what something actually looks like in a real home before you buy. Join Wayfair rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home.

Speaking of Toronto, though, we're there. We're there. Oh, we're there. I know. Welcome, Hoops. We're going to move on to Toronto. Now we did. Yeah, the highlight was the Frito's Hoops.

I just want to brag about that. Hoops is a brand of Frito that we do not have down here in the States. There are circles. They're barbecue flavor. They're more than circles. They are cylinders. Thank you. They're tubes.

They should be called tubes. Yeah. They fucked out. Yeah, why are they called Hoops? Hoops imply like a hoop earring, which are round and thin. But these are cylinders. These were like thick little outy belly buttons. Oh, gross.

What if someone had an outy belly button that was as long as a hoops? Do you call it a hoop or a hoops? A hoops. I loved those things. You really weren't taking with them. I genuinely missed them, and I searched around. I went, when we were in Vancouver, I searched and they couldn't find them. You got them both nights when we were in Toronto.

We came back to the courtyard, Mary-I. And one to go. And when to grow on. If people want to send Lauren Hoops, they can send him here to Earwell. Oh, my God. Yes. That would be amazing. You know, Pistol Shrooms Radio, the podcast, they, they, Matt Garlane and Mark McConville, when they started doing it, they would talk about how they, they would call the games at the, at the L.A. Municipal Basketball League, you know, that a lot of our friends are in.

And so they would go to these games, these women were playing basketball, and no one asked them to do this. People are playing basketball. Performers. Actors. And so those guys, like, as a goof, like, went and started doing play-by-play of the games and put it out as a podcast. And then for some reason, they would always, like, do it, but they would forget. It was around dinner time, and so they hadn't eaten dinner. And so it would always talk about how hungry they were. And people started sending them food.

Oh, I like that. So if you want, Lauren, the power of this medium is very strong. Our friends from the North, please. I need one person to send me 50 bags of hoops. Or 50 people to send you one? Sure. You'll take either. Yeah, but no in between.

We need 50 bags. Yeah, Lauren went hoops crazy. Going, going, going. So we... She died of hoops sickness. She had the hoops. I haven't seen this since. Pioneer Days.

So we woke up in Terrytown, took a plane to Toronto, Toronto, where we did the two nights in a row. And this is one of our more relaxing stretches, because we didn't have to do the two shows in one city on the same night. We did them over consecutive night. So we got to do one show, wake up in the town, not have to travel, just hang out in Toronto, and then do the next show the next night. That was very relaxing.

What did you guys do on the second day? Because I got to see a friend and have lunch. I went to shopping. I looked online to a cool area to go. I'm such a girl. And I walked around and I bought some makeup, some other shit like that. And it was really fun. Abortions.

It was some really, really in beautiful areas. I can't remember the name. What if you went to get an abortion and you said, by the way, I want to pay for the person who comes in next? Like, just sort of tree. Like when you got a jack in the box and, like, do it in the drive-in. That would be really nice, actually. It would be really nice. That would probably make their day a lot better.

But it was free. I thought you meant make their day. I thought you were going to end up. That would probably make their day. We can close. We can close. We just need to sell that one item. I think that would be really nice, actually, to go.

and pay for a few people's abortions. If anyone wants to go, they're local, I don't know what I'm getting on right now. This could be your charity. I actually do think that's really nice. This could be your thing where you just, you raise money and you go around paying for people's abortions. Yeah, all right.

Sorry, everyone. I got to go, I got to go do that. If you don't want to make it political, why don't you pay for people's hoops? I can't get my hands on the hoops. But you can forward the money to Canadian courtyard by Marriots. Hoops are sort of like an edible vaginal, now. Are they not?

Definitely. I put my tongue through them. To answer your question, Paul, Neil Campbell and I went to see Captain America Civil War, which is the most American thing we could do in Canada. That's right. And I asked Christian Brune whether starting movies 25 minutes late is the norm in Canada. And he said, no, it just sounds like that theater. Because we were sitting there going, no, well, yeah, it was supposed to start at noon. and at 1225 nothing had started

and Neil and I are looking around freaking out and everyone just seems so calm about it. I was like, is this a thing? They just kind of start whenever? I like that you assume. Well, here's what it is is because people are too polite. So that's why...

To go complain? Yes. So they just feel like this is what we deserve. People were very nice there. So nice. And yeah, I don't get that at all, though, that mentality of like being so polite.

Not that you should be rude, but... That was the place, though, where you had that weird comment. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. That was in Toronto. My thing being weird. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Someone was like, I watched your Netflix special. It was really weird. But also, I didn't mean to watch it. Oh, yeah. I didn't mean to. I was like, that's fine.

And then he was like, it was really weird. And I was like, great. You didn't have to share any of this information. I was like, bye. I think you actually said. Like, he, because it kept happening. Yeah. Like, he just kept saying worse things.

And then after a while, you're like, I don't know what to say. say to you. I'm like, I don't know how to respond. This is hurtful. Well, I think, I think you, you guys would agree that the, the meet and greets were very fun, very meaningful to us for a lot of reasons. You would get some just, you know, people in tears, people saying just very, very, very extremely nice things. And then just the general nice people. No one has to even be in tears. It's just general, like, nice people who are happy to meet you. But there would, every single night, we would each get one really strange thing said to us.

Like backhanded. Backhanded or outright mean. Yep. And it was so weird. It was like you waited an hour. Yeah. And then to say that to me? Just come up to me and say something hurtful.

Like just don't speak to. I'd rather you just don't even like shake my hand. Just skip me. But I think a lot of times they don't really, they didn't realize it was rude. Like they were just like thinking of what to say. I'm like, oh, I didn't like that thing. Well, I. Okay.

I believe that it's, because most of. our interactions now are through text and, you know, people sliding into my DMs. Like, I don't know what. Like a seal into the ocean. Thank you. Oh, okay. And it would be a gif of like a seal sliding into the ocean. Oh, I see.

Yeah, I understand. My current pin tweet is a sliding into my DM's joke. I'd like y'all to go check that out. I look it up right now. But I believe that people don't, you know, are used to saying like relatively rude things to people. and not seeing any response. So when they're talking face to face to someone, our faces would always, like, kind of be confused.

Like, why would you say that to me? And we'd get hurt feelings. And then they'd go, oh, I'm just joking. Or, you know, which is like... You know, it's an epidemic. People write things online. They have no responsibility, no consequences. I don't think it's fair.

I don't think it's right. I think of everybody... All lives matter. Oh, God. Everybody's avatar should be a photo of themselves, and their name on there should be their real name. And their address? I feel the same way.

And their pin tweet to be their social security number. That's right. Send us your social security numbers in your addresses and your mother's maiden's name. Just that it's the last four. What's our maiden's name? But to reiterate, though, the majority of people. The majority were so lovely. Oh, yeah.

Because that's what always made it so strange when somebody would say a weird thing. It was like, the vibe here is positive. Like, everyone's having a good. This is like a silly show. Everyone's just goofing around. We're goofing around. We're just being goofballs trying to entertain you. We got some great art from people.

Oh, absolutely. And some people, I cried on a couple occasions from things people said. They were very nice. So most, really it's just, but you always remember the mean stuff. Unfortunately, you remember the one, and it's one percent of the people who were there. After that night in Toronto, which was our second night of the tour, right? Yes. Well, third, third but second out on the road.

We had almost like same seats every time we did the meet and greets after the show. Yes. I was always next to Lauren. And so I wouldn't do it every time, but I would do it every other time when someone would say to her, I really liked your characters special. I would say, you didn't think it was weird? And then I had to be like, ha, ha, ha, because I'm not waiting for a response from them to what you say. Actually, yeah, it was weird.

Oh, great. Now I'm doing this all over again with everything. For me, the game was to try to say it so only Lauren would hear it. You didn't think it was weird? Yeah, anyway, thank you so much to all the people who came out and said hi to us is the main takeaway from that. But we're in Toronto. This is, oh, this is cool. Our friend Tim Baltz came up and happened to be visiting people in Toronto.

So he did both of these Toronto shows and was so much fun that we had him for the West Coast. He came out and did the West Coast with us. So this is, first of all, we were at UFT in this, like, kind of big classroom, like a circular classroom. Yeah, like one of those big halls where like there's rows of seats going up, like an amphitheater sort of vibe. What was interesting was there was not really a bad seat, and maybe someone who was there would contradict that. But from what I heard from the fans, it all seemed very close because of the structure of the room being circular in nature. it seemed very much like even though there were 1,600 people at each show, it seemed like a very kind of close quarters intimate vibe.

Yeah. And we had no sense of the room until after the show was over and the lights came up. Like we didn't know what the room looked like until after the show was over. And then it was like, oh, my God, this place is crazy. It was weird. It was great, though. I really liked that space a lot and I really liked those crowds. And there was also there was.

was a gigantic pipe organ on the stage that was covered over. And I didn't know what it was. And then after the show, you could see the pipes on the walls. Oh, wasn't there some guy holding a box? Oh, yeah. What was that? If you listen to the shows from Toronto, I, basically I would come out, because it's a podcast and it was being recorded, I wouldn't come out and do prepared material.

I wouldn't come out and do stand-up. Boy, that's the truth. Because, you know, it would be repeated each time. So instead I sort of challenged myself to not really ever think of anything and just come out and do stuff off the cuff. And each show in Toronto, there was a gentleman off to the right who was just standing there holding, it seemed like a box full of wires or with a button or something like that. Like he had been entrusted with the nuclear codes or something, the nuclear football. It seemed very official and ominous. And did we ever find out who he was?

He said his name a couple of times. Yeah. What was his purpose? No, we never found out what it was. He's the stage man. Shut up. God damn it, Ryan. It's more fun without knowing.

We're on a riff. All right. Great riff, guys. Good riff, y'all. So who are we with? Lauren, you're playing Ms. Chips. A substitute teacher. And she's always assuming people are hitting on her.

Or she's always accusing people of trying to molest her. And we have Paul. You're playing cake box. Cake Boss. And Cake Boss, I guess, earlier than this clip, Cake Boss's purpose for being in Canada was... Oh, Cake Boss was there to make a coffin cake for the departed mayor, Rob Ford. And I'm not like an edgy comedy guy. So to do that, to talk about that and hear that reaction...

To give them something to talk to talk about that. about. To give the ice, I remember being backstage and saying, I kind of give them something to talk about. Let's give them something to talk about. To have that reaction when I said that, it was like a crazy wave of like, well, it was like they, because Canada being Canada, they were kind of, and I think Christian Bruhn pointed out very well that it's like, even though people didn't like the guy, the fact that he was dead. meant that you should be respectful. Oh, well, yeah, don't talk. I mean, you know, he's dead now.

Don't talk about him like that. Also, I think some people did like the guy. In that crowd? Maybe not in that crowd. I would be very surprised. Doesn't I feel like if someone's dead, you could say whatever you want about them? Exactly.

But there's also don't speak ill of the dead. Don't speak. Ill of the dead. But it got such a great wave of like, no, he didn't laugh, but still an uproarious laugh. Oh, they loved it. It was very enjoyable.

It was very satisfying to me. And then we also have Tim Balts as playing Nathan Hershey, who is the heir to the Hershey Factory throne, the Hershey Chocolate Throne, the Hershey Chocolate Creed. If you will. Will you? I won't. So then judging from the description of what you're about to hear, we all have a conversation. So enjoy this. Oh, also keep that in mind for all the rest of the clips.

I wish that's all the thing, summary says. They have a conversation. It's very weird. So this is Toronto Night 1. Let's listen to it now. Anything else? Stinky you like covered in chocolate? I can think of one thing.

Do tell you. An unwashed dick. Yeah. This is like watching a red shoe diaries, but one written for the people. Yes. Have you ever gotten in trouble? trouble at school? Yes, for never washing my dick.

Perfect answer. You get an A. What does the A stand for? Asshole. A true chocolate fountain. Why are you looking at me when you say that? He needed approval for that one. He was like, that was good, right?

I did. Sure. I didn't think I'd be that vulgar when I came on. I had a way. He actually made yourself flush. That's one of the two places that chocolate. comes from. Wait, what's the other? Coco beans. Acceptable.

Yes. Sorry, that flirting went to my head and distracted me a bit. What were your questions, gentlemen? Oh, well, I wanted to know about the psychology of your... I think Cake Boss, though. Yeah. Cake Boss, yeah. Cake Boss here, Carlos Bakery, New Jersey. Mr. Hershey, a lot of people wondering,

How did all these children die in your factory? Ah, yes. Well, some of them get caught in the Hershey's chocolate pond. That's the first thing that they encounter. They drown in it because they're trying to drink from it. They get full and they fall asleep from all the sugar and then they drown. So the trouble is in asphyxiation. Yes.

They get full first. Yes. And then they get sleepy. They have a sugar crash. Sugar crash. And they pass out in this pond. of Hersey's Chocolate. Okay.

Where is any adult while this is happening? Um, well, the factory is also run by children. What's that? I'm leading the tour, uh, because I like to test out my original chocolate-themed songs on them. Oh. You have chocolate-themed songs. Yeah. Oh, of course.

Rich and sweet, dark or white, what would you like to eat, take a bite? Chocolate, it tastes so sweet. so sweet. Oh, right to me. You might. Sorry, I lost my train of thought. That's okay. Great song. Is that on iTunes? No, I couldn't possibly put myself out in the world like that

for criticism. These songs are just for children who I lure to my factory in order to give them a tour in the hopes that one day one will survive so that I can get rid of this family fortune. Have you thought about not making the factory a lethal death trap for children.

I've thought of that. You know, the first iteration of this was just samples of the candy. The children would come in. They would choose one that tasted good, and then they would leave, and they would get one of each. But that was boring.

I wanted the threat of death. So you installed the fountain? I have a lot of time on my hands. A lot of time. Now, you just want to get rid of all your riches? Is that what I heard? Yes. they're a great burden on my life.

Well, I can think of two ways you can get rid of it. One, give it to me in my PayPal account. And two, we could have a baby together and the baby could be the air? I like this. A long-term plan for me to impregnate you, for the two of us to raise a child, and then when the child comes of age,

I let it go on the tour, and if it survives, it takes over the faculty. Oh, my goodness. bringing back so many mems. The description, Ms. Chips and Nathan Hershey have a dirty conversation. Cake Boss and Scott

ask Nathan how children died in his factory. And that accurately summed it up. That is what we certainly listen to. For sure. I had not done Cake Boss in a long time at this point. And when I

I think I just I forgot some things. And so I had to go into a trance at one point. A cake trance, which I used to do all the time. And I hadn't done it in such a long time. I forgot the...

How would to do it. It's like Paul Russ with his new no-noes. He had to re-listen to his first appearance when he did the TV show recently to re-learn how to do new no-noes, even though he's done them several times recently. It is really easy to forget all this stuff. Absolutely. No, I mean, Paul has done it without knowing how to do it for the past three times. I know he's like it's wrong.

You've forgotten how to do it. Every time. Yeah, he's relearned how to do them, though. But it is a funny thing with characters that, especially because of something like this show, where you're repeating characters multiple times over the course of several years, that you forget weird little details or things that, like, when you first started doing, it was very much a part of that character, and then just like a thing that goes away because you can't do it a million times.

Yeah. Yeah. But it was... Do you find that with characters? Do you like them to evolve and sort of... If you find something really juicy, do you like going back to the well? Or do you like going back to the well? Or do you like going back to the well for a bit and then moving on?

That's sort of how I am. I like to exploit it for a while and then like not do it anymore. Which I've done with certain things like the, that's a good songs after, you know, we did that for a year where it got longer and longer and longer. And then people are disappointed when we're not doing that anymore. But for me, it's like, oh, we did that for a year. It was fun. Let's do new things. Yeah, that's a good long time to do a recurring bit.

Yeah. 365 days. In general, I like the idea of being able to. to branch off of something, but I do feel like with Big Sue, I kind of want her to only ever care about pizza. Like, I just, like, think that's fun. Like, she shouldn't have any new interests. Like, I don't want her to, like, something else.

Yeah, right. The simplicity of, like, the crazy simplicity of that. This is literally all she cares about. She's very two-dimensional. Like a pizza. Like a pizza. Like a good pizza. That's a great idea.

That's a great idea. That's a great idea. Sue is there. All right, let's move on to Toronto Night 2. Now, when you listen to this clip, imagine I've just seen Captain America Civil War. 25 minutes late. Lauren's gone shopping, and Paul saw a friend and had lunch with him. That's right.

We had some ramen. It was very good. Was it good? Is the ramen good up there? Oh, we had good ramen. Same place. Yeah. You guys went to the same place, unbeknownst to each other?

First day we were there. We had lunch together. Me meal and breakfast. And then the next day I went back to that place because it was so good. It was really good, really fast, delicious, cheap, everything you want. Do you want to name the place or do you not remember? Wish I could. Can't do it.

Nagada. Nagada. Nagada. Wouldn't be prudent. So we also... He wouldn't be prudent. This bears noting we also right before this show, Christian Brune from Orphan Black. The husband.

The husband. Not the husband. Not the mama. Not the mama. That was his thing that he gets at meet and greets. Oh, the husband. The husband? It's like incredulous.

Like, why would he show up to this? I don't know. Tatta Mazzanii plays every character except the husband. Yeah, exactly. So what do you want? So he goes to some event, like at a Comic-Con thing or whatever, like that kind of thing, and then meet some of the stars for the show. And then he's there.

And as he told the story. So these people go, oh, the husband? Like they can't believe. how is this even fair? And it's like, you like the show, but you can't even give it up for this guy? Like who's like one third of the cast? That's my whole point is like, who else do you want? I mean, yeah, her brother and the guy who plays the police guy, they're all cool.

I think it's easy to forget that she's all those characters. Yeah. Because you just assume like, well, Tatiana couldn't come. At least, you know, Sarah could come. Yeah, exactly. The one with the dreadlocks. I love that one. very nuanced.

Cosima. Casima. So Christian came by and we all had dinner at the haunted steak place. That's right, the keg. The keg mansion. Oh yeah, that was good. We didn't see no ghosts. We weren't afraid of them, certainly.

No, we didn't see them either. Ghostbusters in theaters in a couple of weeks. Yep. And it was a good meal. It was a good meal. I think it's time for men to take back Ghostbusters. Honestly, I've been pissed off ever since. the first announcement.

I have to say, I'm kidding. I can't even accept this as a joke. A couple things about that dinner. Tim Balth's lied, and said it was his birthday several times. We talked about this on Comedy Bang Bang Plain recently. He first did it so subtly and so exquisitely when the waitress came around and asked

if he'd like a drink and he was like, well, you know, it is my birthday. Maybe I should have a drink. Very subtle. Great. That's all that he... We thought it was his birthday. They're like, why didn't you say anything?

And then he was like, my friend says, if you say it's your birthday here, you get all this free shit. And then, so we were like, impression. Yeah, that sounds just like. We were like, okay, Tim, well, that's great. You did it so amazingly perfect. That's the perfect way to do it. And then she came back around and said, well, let's see, do I want birthday steak? Do I want birthday pork chops?

It was so. It was over the top. And she was, like, rolling her eyes. And then she came back eventually with that slice of cake that he believed he would get. And they sang. Yeah, but they were just doing it for just to please him. Just to appease him. Just to a squeeze him.

So imagine us we've just, I've eaten most of that cake actually or most of that ice cream cake. There's another thing. What happened? Lauren, we're at the steakhouse and Lauren's wearing a peanut t-shirt. Oh, yeah. I did think about it before we went and then I was like, I like what I'm doing. I know. Did anyone comment on it other than us?

No, I wanted to take a picture and then I thought like... It would last longer. Did I order steak? I can't remember. I think I had a chick. Did I order steak? Sure. Did I order steak?

Did I like steak? Did I rub it on my shirt? Yeah. Oh, and then we were going to take a picture in front of a group photo. It would last longer. Just to make it last longer. I will say I stood and stared at everyone. And then I realized the picture would last long.

So I said fine. Because memory is finite and we might get Alzheimer's, all of us. Then you could show me this picture on my Instagram to remind me of the day. We had a stake. If you can't remember your Instagram log in. I never can't. So we went to the sign. They have a big fancy sign.

We were trying to get a group photo. And so we were going to do a selfie and all kind of crowd in. And then somebody just passing by said, would you like me to take the picture? This young guy. Scott said first, can I take a selfie? And he begged us to take a selfie. No, I was doing that song. It was so pathetic.

From Frozen? Can I take a selfie? Can I take a selfie? Daddy, can you hear me? Oh, kids. Anyway, so this stranger took a picture. Stranger took a picture of us. It was really good.

It was one of the better pictures. Usually when you're giving your phone to a stranger, you assume they're going to just run off with it. Did you hear those stories? great photo. Like, it was actually a really good photo. This is why I brought it up. Look, I wanted to bring this up because the photo was really great. It was great.

Thank you for bringing it up, Lauren. You're welcome because I cared about it. Yeah, thank you, Lauren. I just want people to like me. Oh, that's what everyone wants. I don't know. Yeah. I'm not sure.

There's a contingent out there who want people to hate them. Some people are going about it the wrong way then. Yeah, no, but I think deep down that's what everyone wants, even if they're being bad. All right. What about, hold on, Scott. Okay. Wait, do you hear this? I'll accept this. What about Hitler?

Yeah, he wanted people to like him because he had followers. Shit, you're right. And he wanted, he believed what he was doing was right because he was a maniac. Maniac on the flow. There'd love a more Hitler. Is that a song about Hitler? I was just going to say. Michael Sembello.

That's right. Notorious anti-Semite. Well, but he wouldn't be saying Hitler was a maniac then. No, but Hitler singing. it. I'm a maniac, maniac. He's proud of being a maniac. Wait, but that's still doesn't. He's an animaniac.

He doesn't mean that. Michael Sabello, his pro-hilder's the one singing it. Follow the money, Paul. He's singing it from his perspective because he's a fan. Name one thing done and someone else's perspective where they're not a fan of that person. You can't. But wait. But then why would it be about it being a maniac?

Paul and Lauren are both squinty and crying almost. You mean because he would want it to praise him? A maniac's insulting? I think, yeah, I think. Maniac, I guess I don't think, is like... He's proud of it! Because that song originally... Mm-hmm.

Hey, when it comes to Hed Jube... I'm like a maniac about it. Hold on. The song is... a proud song to begin with. She's a... She's a maniac. She's a maniac.

What if he was calling Hitler she? And now the story is... She's a maniac. I forgot that it wasn't like that. The trivia behind the song is it was written about a serial killer. What? Yes.

And it was repurposed for that movie. No. What movie? Flash dance. That's untrue. That is true. That is true. Okay.

I won't accept this. I always think of, for some reason, the name of this Michael Jordan book that my brother had growing up and the name was called I can't accept not trying. I can't accept not trying. Isn't that just kind of complicated? It's like why isn't it just called try? Yeah. That's the name of the book. I can't accept not trying. It was a little like, you know, end table book. Small. Speaking of not trying, why don't we listen to this? Not up to the major leagues of the coffee table. Honestly, it's too small for the coffee table. It would look weird.

Have it on your end table. Why don't we listen to Night 2 of Charanto? No. Night 2! Night 2! We listened to a lot of Bob Segar in the car. Night 2. Yeah, I bought a Bob Seger Best of that I listened to probably a couple weeks before

wrapping up this season of Comedy Bang Bang. I would listen to it a lot. And so I brought it along, and a lot of Bob Seager, we gained a great appreciation for his music. And a lack of appreciation for some of those lame songs. Yeah, right. He had some that were weird. He had some that were no good that I ended up. I'm a maniac.

Sure. But the best ones are the best. All right. Now let's listen to this. First, the aforementioned Christian Brune is with us. He's playing himself. Lauren, you busted out one of your favorites. I busted a nut.

This is Todd, my nephew Todd. Mm-hmm. Middle school age. That's about right. Uh-huh. And we also, Paul, you're playing Gary Marshall, the director Gary Marshall. That's correct.

Bringing out all the hits. What was he doing? Yeah, this was a hit-filled show. Fan favorite characters for the show. I think so. I think so. And Tim was in this episode as well. I'm not sure what he was playing because he's not in this clip. Oh, he was a French guy.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Gee something. Guy, yeah. His name was Guy something. He was a director. He was a French film director. Right, and you guys talked about directing things.

Yes. But this clip. We had a conversation. Mm-hmm. This clip we're talking to Gary Marshall, and then we start talking about monsters because Gary Marshall is very interested in monsters. That's right. Okay. Let's listen to this.

This is Toronto Night 2. What do you think the movie is? You said this is the movie. What's the movie? You guys in a boat together. You're fantastic actors. Great chemistry. Mr. Marshall.

Undeniable. Please call me Gary. Thank you. Me and Todd. Todd and I, we're in mocap suits. Motion capture suits. What was that shortened from? MoCap is short for motion capture,

which is short for do some motion, we will capture it with the cameras. Short for, oh, hello, are you here to do the motion that we're going to capture for the movie? Please hang up your coat. We're going to put a bunch of plastic stickers on you. Uh-huh.

Do you have any plastic allergies that you're aware of? No. Also, we're serving some chicken that I think was made in the same place where some peanuts were. It's not going to be an issue at lunch. And they shortened it to mocap. Sure. Sure. Film history deserves applause.

So why should I hire you two to be the lake monster? Well, I mean, we've known each other a long time, so we've worked together. We have a lot of chemistry You don't seem to care for each other at all I hate him But this would allow me to be with him all day But far away from him the whole time Because monsters are never together

Because I'm the butt and I'm far away Oh you guys were one monster Yeah You didn't get that? I just thought there were two monsters That's why I was doing this He was head and she was the tail She was cool Wow get her you're doing it

You guys are terrible to this poor child. It's a way to emasculating. This is why I keep my dick out. I can't help, but he's very... Which was doing a better job as a tail than your hand because it was behind you the whole thing. I can't help, but he's a very nubile kid. I'm nubile.

So yeah, I think it would be a terrible idea to cast you. All right. I just wanted to put it out there. Reject it again. I'm going to get the British guy. He does them all. Cumberbatch. Yeah.

He mocaps a lot. Yeah, a lot of people don't know that about him. He's a big mochapper. That's his true passion. He mocapped this whole performance in the Sherlock show. Yeah. He doesn't look anything like that. No.

He's like a short, like two feet tall. That's very small. He's like one of those, what do you call him? Who are you asking? Todd. He doesn't seem to know. No way, Uncle Scott. He doesn't seem to know.

Well, good luck to you in your travels. Oh, thanks. Good luck to you. Did you have other monsters you wanted to talk about? Ogopogo. Favorite. Like the boogeyman? You know, he's another lake monster.

Oh. Also, champ! Two people know champ. Two people. It sounds like they like him. I know. It's not the most intimidating. name for a late monster.

A family pet. Yeah, it's like a golden doodle. Hey, champ. Hey, champ. Hey, champ. Hey, man, I'll get him. I'll just stand by the edge of the water and go, here, champ, here, champ.

I'll jingle my keys. Thinks it's time to go to the monster park. Maybe try having treats in your pocket. I always have treats in my pocket. What do you see monsters like? Would you like some treats? There you go.

Oh, thank you. Treats? Oh, you're acting like a dog. That's fun. That tastes like a dog treat. By the way, Monster Park. That's a movie, too. Is there a Monster Park day?

I found my niche. Don't you understand? I think in Quebec there's a Monster Park Day. Oh, I hope so. Is that true? Do we have any Quebecwa here in the audience? One lady. One.

Yeah. Salue. Steel Day. There's a movie right there. That's a movie right there. That's a movie. Of course it is. Night two.

Night two. Going to take you to night two. That was Toronto, a very funny clip, and I enjoyed that heartily. Well, you're not the only person that... But no one else said thank you. Okay. And I felt like... I'm not thankful.

Is it hard for you at Thanksgiving? That's your least favorite holiday, isn't it? I don't even show. You don't even show. What do you usually do for Thanksgiving then? I sit under the table and twiddle my thumbs. So you are there, but people don't know you're there? I don't show.

I'm there. Oh, because you're invisible, of course. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Mm-hmm. And you are a woman, you said. For sure. Um, oh boy, we got one more clip left. What?

That's right. So we woke up from, uh, in Toronto. Oh, may I say that where we did the thing with the, Lake Monster, Gary Marshall Lake Monster, and you and Lauren, Scott and Lauren, were pretending to be the monster? No, I think it was me and Christian. No, it was me. Oh, was it you? Or, no, or you were trying to get me or something. I was running around. I don't know why. Oh, no, we were trying to get Christian. You were being the head and the tail. Yeah. Yes. And that was a very visual bit that went on for a really long time. And is that where you coined

the catchphrase for the tour of, fuck you, Hal. Oh, no, that was the very first show. Okay. That was the very first show at the Ace Hotel. Speaking of shows, let's talk about the next one. We got on a plane. We went to Boston Beantown. And we did two shows, one of which, the first of which we were going to hear a clip from right here. And the second of which we'll hear in our next edition of these best ofs.

But Boston, we were in a theater across the street from the one that we played in the previous tour, sort of like we had graduated to a bigger theater. That was a big thrill for me. Boston, oh, Boston was really fun. I really liked the theater there. Me too. Yeah. I co-signed.

Mm-hmm. We did two shows there and two meet and greets. This was the first time that we had did a two-show night. Yeah, and that was a little hard doing a show and then doing a meet and greet, then doing another show, and then doing another meet and greet. It was a long night of talking and talking to people. people. This is when we realized it was a mistake, while we were locked into doing it several more times. Well, say, unlike Toronto, we didn't have any extra time in the schedule because Boston wanted to do another show. Here's what we found out. We picked these big theaters that we

thought, oh, these won't sell out. Really shooting for the stars. Gosh. No one is going to come to this show. Well, I actually said to my booking agent, I said, you know, the last tour we did, we did too many two show nights. So let's pick bigger theaters so that we don't have to do them. And so we picked these pretty big theaters. And in certain cities like Toronto sold out in an hour. Boston sold out immediately. And it felt like, oh, wow, there are fans here and they would let us know on the social

media platforms that, hey, I didn't get tickets. You have to add another show. Meanwhile, we're looking at the schedule. and with Toronto was the only one where we had a free day that we could add it on a different night. Every other place we were like, well, I guess we have to do two shows, which we hadn't planned on doing,

and they're a little harder to do, but we really wanted to make sure that the fans were able to see the show. And another part of that was we would see ticket sites like scalping the tickets for exorbitant prices. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I didn't really. I think I even tweeted one,

and then someone was like, this is fake or something. They were saying, don't tweet this link to buy these tickets. They're like, they're marked up by 400%. So we were trying to nip that in the butt a little bit. So anyway, this was the first of our two show nights, which were definitely some of the harder ones that we did.

But this early clip, this is the first show in Boston. I remember this particular show being like one of the funnier shows that we did. This is just the three of us. I can't remember what I did. Yeah. Do we know who Lauren was playing? You don't remember. They have it on our

Google Drive shared. That's true. That's also true. Lauren and I... What? Frank Dorriton. Why would you say it in the middle of someone talking? God.

Lauren and I kept a Google... Frank Dorito. We compared... Frank Dorado. Would you do that at home, Ryan? You would. would wait until someone finished a thought, wouldn't you? To say Frank Dorito?

The only thing you've ever said? That's the other thing about Ryan. He has only ever said Frank Dorito on the tour. And like thankfully it made sense right now. He's like Hodor, where we can divine what he means. The first time I thought he was saying, thanks Doritos. Yeah. Because he was eating Doritos when he said it.

And he was thanking them for giving him sauce. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so Lauren and I, Frank Trino, Lauren and I kept a Google Doc, and we would share with each other what character, we would talk about what characters we were going to play because we wanted to balance it out. If one of you were trying something new,

you wanted to make sure the other person was doing sort of a more old favorite so that none of the crowds felt like, oh, I got two new characters. And that may have happened once, actually, that you guys did two new characters, but it was so funny that no one could really complain. And I think it was also,

it just felt more about, to us, and for me personally, it helped me feel like, I felt like on more solid ground, like if you were doing a new thing, it was weirdly helpful to me to do something I had done before. Definitely. And the other way around. Like, if you were doing an established character, I'm like, okay, I feel more, I feel like people will not get mad at me if I do a new thing.

There's more freedom to, like, figure it out on the fly. If Scott's being himself and you're being a character that we're familiar with and you're comfortable with, so then you can feel free to kind of be a little crazy. It also kind of helped the whole show to have, if somebody was doing something new, to have people that were on solid ground themselves asking the questions of a new person that they had encountered before. Without themselves trying to figure out their own character. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So this, this I remember being, we got offstage and I went, oh, man, this was one that I was like, oh, that was one of our better shows, this night one of Boston. and I think it had a really good outline as well. I don't know what it is because we're not going to hear that. But we are going to hear before Frank Dorito got on stage. And Frank Dorito, we talked to Frank Dorito a lot about his wishes, right? He's the world record holder for most wishes granted. Right.

But before Frank Dorito came out. And did Neil do a character on the show? No, that's the next one. Yeah. So this is just fucking shit, Paul. He's holding Paul's mouth shut. This was just the... This was just the three of us.

Building castles in the sky. And so on these just the three of us shows, I would talk to you guys for a good half hour. Oh my God. Just alone. Just a half hour apiece. And if you were the first person out, it felt like forever.

Yeah, there were times to be like, oh, I guess I'll just go forever. I guess we're just going to talk forever. I didn't know. For me, it started to feel like there's no way people are still enjoying this. There's no way. I think they were funny. I don't know.

Whenever I was watching you do it, I was like, this is wonderful. Whenever I was doing, I was like, keep it going, keep it going. Amadeus, Amadeus. Frank Trito. All right, let's listen to this. Paul is playing Alan Thick. And you didn't want to do Alan Thick in Canada because he did it the last time we were in Toronto. You were always good about looking at your previous.

appearances in a city and saying, oh, I've already done this character there. Yeah. It's all in the Google Doc. It's all there on the dock. You're playing Alan Thick, and in this clip, Alan gives up some surprising information about himself or itself. Some S-I. Some Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Or Sullivan's Island.

Have you ever thought about S-I-S-I, Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue? C-C. C-C. Isis. Isis. Oh, my God. Backwards. The Sports Illustrated Swim suit issue is ISIS.

All right, let's listen. This is Boston early show, Alan Thick and myself. Are you familiar with the spirit of the Wendigo? Oh, some Wendigo fans out here. Refresh my memory. The Wendigo is a monster of the North... Well, some say he's a monster. Some say he's an evil spirit that can take over a human being's body.

and get that human being to do terrible things. Cannibalism, murder, greed. Wait, a Wendigo can take over a body and cause it to have greed. For real, greed is in there. And so, I've only ever been on your program one time. What's this now? And all the other times, it was this scary doppelganger who was some poor soul who was taken over by the Wendigo. So you have only been on one time.

Was it the first time? The very first time. To you. No wonder you talk so differently now. Yes. Proud of yourself? So... Did you notice any aberrant behaviors by this other Alan Thick?

I mean, he wasn't the most normal guest we've ever had. Like, did he eat human flesh in front of you? I mean, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it necessarily. But yeah, in between, you know, breaks. During the breaks? Yeah. He would chomp on a little, little hum. Is that some fun slang for human?

Yep. Why would that ever be necessary? So, yeah, I saw that, definitely, and I definitely felt greedy at one point. Oh, you felt greedy. Are you saying that you were consumed by the spirit of the Windigo? Maybe that was just my own greed

that I have all the time. Yeah, because, yeah, of the Wendigo is he doesn't make the people around him greedy or cannibals. He's doing that himself. Okay. I mean, I'm not as familiar with the Wendigo as you're doing. I feel as if you're listening to every third word I say. Now, is this always the way you host the show?

Because I only have the one experience with you. Boy, you've missed a lot. Have I really? Wow, yeah. I bet I'm good. So that's so straight. So why are you here now? You came to track us down?

Well, I heard that this monster was defeated, and so I wanted to come and show you this is the real me and you needn't be afraid of me. I'm certainly not going to eat your succulent flesh. Because to do that, I'd have to murder you, which I don't relish doing at all. It's not consuming my every thought. Just regular old Alan Thick.

Can I tell you something? I wish you would. I'm starting to think that the real Windigo is right here in front of me. Well, that's strange because I'm right here in front of you. You're thinking... What? Things got real for someone to the audience who got high.

Someone timed the trip just right. Yeah, that makes sense. 45 minutes in. You're thinking about murdering me right now, but you're not relishing it? I'm only thinking about it because you said it and because I have been. You saying it makes me feel like I've been thinking about it

from the moment I walked out onto the stage Getting concerned here, you tracked us from Toronto Where Wendigo's Abide That's right That's their home turf Toronto Can I ask how you got here from Toronto? Oh yeah, let's see

Uh, boo I was on my way to Pearson International Airport then I apparated here. So the usual way. You might just be a

Wendigo. Oh, I love this routine. Thinking about eating human flesh, you just might be a Wendigo. You do what? If you're causing the body you're inhabiting to elicit signs of greed, you just might be a Wendigo. Good stuff.

Good stuff. If all you're thinking about is murder the person you're looking at who's wearing a sweater, you just might be a Wendigo. Well, I think the real Alan Thick, personally, in my opinion... Which is me. There is... Let's just say there is an Alan Thick who's dead.

Right. Ooh. Oh, that's my ride. That's a fun joke. That's fun. People can steal that, too. But there's one right in front of. of me and one of them is a Wendigo.

Right. And as we have established, the one who's dead in the studio, that's clearly the Wendigo, because I'm here, a perfectly reasonable person, whose mouth is watering looking at your luscious cheekbones. Are cheekbones

really the most delicious part of... It's so sweet. Not a lot of meat, but what's there is very tasty. Okay. I'm concerned you're a Wendigo, but I feel as if we should continue... I'm concerned you're a Wendigo. I mean, we can all be concerned that any one of us are Wendigos.

But don't we have better things to do with our time? Do you, as Alan Thick, do you have any memory of writing any hit songs from 80 sitcoms at all? Of course I do. Such as... Such as... Pot and Kettle. And kettle? Yep, that's right.

No. It's a Canadian show. You wouldn't be familiar with it. Okay. If I were to say to you, diff rent strokes, what would that mean to you? You would mean you know how to pronounce the word different.

It's different strokes. Were I to try to instruct you upon the facts of life, would that ring any bells, my dear boy? It would remind me of my parents, presumably, trying to prepare me for life. Have you ever heard

any of these songs before, the different strokes theme song? Have you ever heard what that is? Conrad Bain? A man is born, he's a man of means. I know this one.

You sing it and I'll sing it along with you. I'll show you. Then along come to they've got nothing but their genes. I remember it like it was yesterday sitting there at my Underwood typewriter

Is that how you write songs? Yes, walking around I've got a piano, I've got my typewriter chain smoking cigarettes There's half-eaten containers of Chinese food all over the place Is it Christmas Day? Why do you have...

Always. Were you going to ask me Is it Christmas Day Why do you have Chinese food? Yes. What? Just have curiosity, why were you going to ask me that? I'm like a regular Sirlock Holmes.

Are there any other guests on the show tonight? So there's nothing you want to do to try to convince me that you're not a windigo, is that? I mean, what if I would have write a song for you right now? Oh, well, I mean, if you're the real Alan Thick, then that would be quite a treat. If you're a Wendigo, I might be a little first. All right. All right. Why don't you give me just an innocuous name of a situation comedy, and then I'll come up with the theme song for it. You just give me a brief thumbnail of what it's all about.

A boot. Oh, this is getting scary. How about them's the brakes? What's them's the brakes about? It's all about a family of car mechanics. The entire family. Yeah. They're all car mechanics. They're all car mechanics.

How many kids? There are 45 kids 45 kids Yeah And anytime a car Comes into the garage They point at the wheels And say them's the brakes

So amongst these 45 car mechanics That's just the children Oh that 47 car mechanics Presumably there's just the two parents Sure Well actually there's three Because there's the dad Figured out late in life that he was gay

and so he has a boyfriend. Right. And they all live together. They all live together. Yeah. Everyone's cool with it. In a one bedroom. In a one bedroom.

And it's called them's the brakes. Yes. Do they point to the brakes because there's always a problem with the brakes? They're trying to upsell. So breaks are the things that most commonly wear out the quickest. So they want to remind the customer that them's the brakes and you can replace them while you're here. All right.

So this is, them's the brakes should come about family of car mechanics, 45 children, parents divorced, but the husband has come out as gay, he lives with his boyfriend and his ex-wife with 45 children in a one-bedroom apartment.

Sure. Okay. And the boyfriend is not a car mechanic. I figured. All right. Here's the theme song. for them's the brakes When you get a taste for succulent human flesh

All that you can think about is murder What's the better? Okay What's the better? I thought it started off great They seem to agree They seem to agree They had real hit potential

I am pretty sure you're a Wendigo Oh my goodness So funny A Wendigo Alan tells Scott he is a Wendigo and has only been on CBB once. Scott accuses the Wendigo of being on stage. What does that even mean? Being on stage.

Acuse the Wendigo of being on stage? How can you accuse someone's on stage or they're not? Well, there you go. You accuse him of being a Wendigo in the moment? Yeah, no, I accused the person on stage of being a Wendigo. Yes. But this description says I accused the Wendigo of being on stage. Well, this was, it was written in English, then it was sent to

Japan and then it was translated in Japanese, translated back in English, and now we have it here. That was super fun, and this was the first time we did a show. And a lot of people were following us along, following along with us, listening to these shows the next day that they would do them. What? Lauren is zoned out reading a text, and we just decided to stare at her. She's not listening Wait, for the record By that point I had just been staring at a table I was no longer reading

I was like that's too long I was doing it And you were just staring at a table I didn't feel like Laura was being rude I just was just doing an extended bit I was just smiling at her The extent to which she is not listening to us Is astonishing

To everything You are wrapping up something I wasn't in She's listening But this was the first time that we were getting messages saying, are these shows... Are these shows canon? Oh, that's right. That's right.

And then, you know, that's a very hard question because it's hard to want to repeat the same thing or to assume that people know the information from the other shows they haven't yet heard. Right. Also, you know, I think back to what I believe Alan Moore, the comic book writer said about something he wrote, people would say, is this an imaginary story, which was a term that DC used to put out of like, this is not real, this is not canon. It's not part of the timeline of these characters

that have been in comic books for 50 fucking years. They would say, this is an imaginary story? And someone would say, is this an imaginary story? And he would say, well, they all are. Yeah. You know, so. Yeah, dumb, dumb. Yeah, none of this is real.

None of these people have real lives that we have to be true to. Slaveish about. Like, I get, from a fan perspective, I get how you get immersed in a world and you love the details and the trivia of it and everything. That said, somebody asking is this canon, it makes me want to say,

what if it is, then what? What do you do with that information? How does your life change once you know? Well, but how does it inform your listening of the... I think it's not about the previous shows. I think it's about the future shows. They want it referred to in the future shows, i.e., if Alan Thick is aware,

and has never been on the show before. The next time he's on, they wanted to be addressed. Right. Somehow. Right. Which is very hard to do because I barely remember the details of that. Yeah. It's somehow harder to remember all of these than like any other thing. I guess we were doing so many back to back.

But like, we were doing the shows back to back as well. That's the other part. We were literally, we had our backs to each other. And when it was the three of us, we were in sort of a triangle formation. Well, Scott said he can't go on stage unless his butt is touching someone else. It was his rider. Like, you got your own dress. room. And Scott got that, which we were forced to agree to.

Yep. All right. We're going to hear the next Boston show on our next episode, as Snoop Dogg once said. And... The next episode. Hold up. Hey. We'll do Boston in the next episode. We're going to wrap up this. Thank you, everyone, for listening to this one.

This was a lot of fun, reminiscing with these two jerks. And we'll have more stories from the road. Weird insult. And I mean that. And I really mean that. We're going to hear more stories from the road. Frank Dorito. I'm sure Ryan's going to blurt out more stuff.

I can't wait. We're going to leave you now with the three of us singing in an a cappella version of Happy Trails. Bomba-Dida, Bomba-Dida, Bomba-Dida, Bomba-Dida, Bomba-Dida. Bambudie to bombadie Until we meet again Happy trails to you

Keep smiling until then Thanks everyone! We'll see ya! Have you ever watched someone you love struggle with something really hard and had no idea how to help them? I'm Stephanie Whittleswax and I certainly have. My show last day started with a question I've been asking myself, ever since I lost my brother Harris to a heroin overdose.

What could I have done differently? That's what my new book is all about. It's called Last Day, How to Stop Losing Our Loved Ones to the Opioid Crisis. I'm going to read you a little preview. I hope you enjoy it. We hear about the opioid crisis so often that we've become desensitized to it. It's a headline, a political pawn, a collection of tally marks that stand where our loved ones should be. Overdose deaths in the United States can be broken into three phases.

Doctor prescribed Oxycontin, starting in the 1990s, heroin taking hold in 2010, and fentanyl, which surfaced in 2013 and spread like wildfire in 2016. The Sacklers, who owned the pharmaceutical company that developed, produced, and aggressively marketed OxyContin may have lit the match, but our broken system allowed it to burn. Since 1999, this preventable tragedy has claimed more than 800,000 lives. My little brother was one of them. Thanks for listening. Get your copy of Last Day at bit.ly slash last day book or wherever books or audio books are sold.