Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Atlanta, 2016

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from The Tabernacle, Atlanta featuring Scott Aukerman, Lauren Lapkus as HoHo The Naughty Elf, Paul F. Tompkins as The Contraptionaire and Drew Tarver as Legendary soul singer Donny Gary.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Paul, is there a right time for better health? I don't think so. That's what I thought, too. Okay. I'm glad we're on the same page with that. Yeah, there's just now, right? That's so true. Now is the time for better.

Bestie? Yeah, yes. Anyway, AG1 is the easiest and most impactful habit that you can implement this year. And you know what, Scott? Sustainable health is about consistency, not perfect. So you want to simplify your nutrition with AG1, multivitamin, pre-and-probiotic, superfoods, and antioxidants in one scoop. I hate oxidants. I'm going to do all that plus post-biotics.

I'm going to invent those. I'm just going to do biotics. Sure. Okay. AG1 is the opposite of complexity. 20 seconds, one scoop, eight ounces of water, you're done. Drink it first thing. Drink it last thing.

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Look, I've been drinking AG1 every single morning. I drink it every hour on the hour. What's your favorite flavor? White. Mine's berry. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good one. I love Barry, but honestly, I've enjoyed them all.

I'm already knocking out my 2026 nutrition goals in just one day because I've drank the whole year's supply in one day. Oh, I wouldn't do that. Listen, AG1 has over 50,000 verified five-star reviews and comes with a 90-day money-back guarantee. So go to drinkag1.com slash freedom to get their best offer. For a limited time only, get a free AG1 duffel bag and free AG1 welcome kit with your, do you think welcome. I'm going to put that inside the duffel bag. That's going to be awesome. Only while supplies last. That's drinkag1.com slash freedom. Drink ag1.com slash freedom. It's morning in New York.

Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin. And I'm Catherine Grotty. And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us. Many of you have asked for our advice. Tell me. me, what is wrong with you people? Don't listen to us. Our Take It or Leave It Advice show is out every Wednesday, premiering October 15th, a Lemonada Media Original. Hey, everyone, Scott Ackerman of Threatom here, and I know what you're thinking.

Why is it just you? Well, while we're taking a brief hiatus for a couple of months, we here at Threatham, aka the Threaton gang, aka the pretzel gang, aka Dem Freedom Boys. We decided to release a lot of our early memories together. What does that mean? Every week we're releasing another episode from the 2016 Comedy Bang Bang Tour, which of course famously or perhaps infamously was the tour where Lauren and Paul and I did every show together.

and that's where we got tight and became good friends, and that's what the impetus for the show, Threatom was. So this is the genesis, if you will, of the show that you love. And every week we're releasing episodes from that tour. And this week is no exception. So this week we are releasing an episode from May 11th of 2016. This is, it was recorded live at the Tabard. Nackle, great theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

And if you've never heard Comedy Bang Bang before, it's essentially a talk show where I am the host and I interview fake guests. So it's comedians playing fake guests. And on this episode, we have Lauren playing Ho-ho, the Noddy Elf, one of her classic characters. Paul F. is playing The Contraptionaire. And then we also have a special guest towards the end of the show. Drew Tarver, incredible comedian, Drew Tarver is playing soul singer Donnie Gary. You're going to want to stick around and hear that definitely because it's one of the most classic bits. So, yes, if you've never heard Comedy Bang Bang, it's a talk show.

Paul and Lauren will come out as these different characters. This was a great episode and a great town. I love playing Atlanta. Now, if you want to hear more episodes of Comedy Bang Bang or from this tour, or any tour we ever done, any tour we ever done. Become a subscriber at CBB World. That's where we have every episode of Comedy Bang, bang, bang, we've done all ad-free.

New episodes ad-free. Every Freedom episode is there, ad-free, and all the tours, everything is there. You're going to want to become a subscriber. And we're going to be back next week with another tour episode, but until then, enjoy this episode, live episode of Comedy Bang-bang. Atlanta Holy!

Oh, man, comedy bang, comedy bang, What a up, Wow, Wow, comedy bang,

comedy bang, comedy bang, comedy, Bambati Bambi Bain Bajie Banc Atlanta! Holy! Hey dude, standing up.

What's up? Wow, what a beautiful theater. Hold on one sec. Before I get too far. far. Yep. This is going to be a long night of, if you just keep shouting catchphrases. Oh no. We're going back to the beginning. Let's do them all in chronological order. Yeah, that's what I thought. It's my anus. So point your telescope someplace else. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Not bad. Thanks to Greasy Bob for that one. Greasy Bob, I hate your name.

but I love your catchphrases. The Tabernacle in Atlanta, my gosh. A beautiful theater. I've been here once before in October of 2000 where I saw the roots in Erica Badu and Talib Kuali, and I was right up there by that exit sign the entire night in the very back. So it's wonderful to be here.

Whoopsie. Hello, you. I'm sorry. sort of hometown boy made good. I of course was born in Savannah, Georgia. And weirdly, unlike Neil, my parents told me they did not fuck in Savannah. And the reason they wanted me to know that is because they told me they had fucked in every other city in the United States. And that was the one they would not do it in. We're...

Hi, Mom. Jesus! Jesus. Fallen soldiers. It's like a minefield up here. We have a great show for you tonight. We're here in the shadow of the Ferris wheel. That's the weirdest thing I've ever seen. It is like there is a Ferris wheel literally a foot and a half from the side of this building. I think it would be so interesting if it were to just come unmoored and go crashing through the theater like it was 1941. a strange way to die. Maybe one of the strangest. Jerry died? A Ferris wheel came crashing through the building, but that's not the weird part. He was watching a live podcast. We have a great group of people we've been traveling around the country with

and other countries. Well, one. Canada. We've been having a great time. It's the crowds here, not just here, I mean, you know, it would be weird if I knew that every crowd that ever went to a concert here was really good. But the crowds we've been in the cities in which we've been, okay, enough of all this. You don't care. We should just get on with it.

We do have a great show, and we have three great guests coming up here tonight. I'm very excited about it, and this dude's just finding a seat. Love it. Hey, man. Why are you holding your hands up like, don't shoot me? This is not a stick up. Now you're shrugging with him. That is a good conversion from don't shoot to shrug.

The easiest point A to B. All right, are you guys ready to start this show? What do you say? The ceremonial towels are upon the stools. Let's get to our first guest. He? I want to say he. although I don't really know

because it, I guess, is a mythical creature who lives up in the North Pole Please welcome Ho Ho! Ho! It's not Christmas, Ho! Ho! It's May. It's always Christmas in my heart. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, my heart's black as night. For the people listening to this

instead of the people who are obviously looking at you, describe yourself a little bit. I'm the size of a dollar. Your paper thin as well. Yeah. Thank you for noticing. Although, did you eat too many Christmas cookies this year? It looks like you're the width of $2 bills.

Oh, geez. Yeah, I did. And I have a Candy King dick. That's the main thing people are focusing on right now. Yeah. Because you're the size of a dollar bill, but you have a dick the size of like a giant novelty candy king. Like the kind you put Hershey Kisses in. Are there Hershey Kisses in there?

You want to find out? Sort of. No, Hershey kisses come out of my ass. I think more women and men would be into sucking dicks if there was the possibility that there were Hershey kisses in there. Well. Even the tiniest chance. You already know what's inside my dick.

It's snow. Oh, that's right. So, want to feel that? Does that make your dick freezing? I'm sorry, this is so, it's not that kind of show usually, but... Not like a lot of guys say when their dicks cold, it's small? Sure. That's not true for me.

What happens when it's warm, ho-ho? It melts. I hope it doesn't get warm then. Me too. Huh? Do you have to keep it in like a miniature refrigerator? You know how sometimes you'll get a box at home? You'll get a box delivered to you.

Maybe you've had this experience. We got a package of the North Pole recently, if that's what you mean. What was in the bag? It was a box of a size of a mini fridge. And you thought it was a mini fridge to put your freezing dick in? Yeah. But instead, it was a Lisa mattress? Yeah.

For them. Yeah. Don't be disappointed. It's not a fridge to put your freezing dick in. Yeah. It's a Lisa. It's a mattress for you to sleep on. Well, you wait for Santa to come.

You live in the North Pole. Why are you waiting for Santa to come? I'm waiting for Santa to come. All right, all right. You stroked your beard mischievously when you said that. Thanks for noticing that. Well, you did it right in my face. Well, cool. I'm glad you paid attention to me.

And glitter came out of it, and now my face is covered in glitter. Lucky. So, ho-ho, you... Ho-ho. Yes, of course. Ho-ho, you are... You are... Yeah.

Ho-ho. Eight. Don't try to trick me. You're a little... You're a little... from the North Pole who works for Santa? I work for Santa, but I kind of do my own thing. I deliver toys to the bad girls and boys.

I bring them guns and knives. Because bad little girls and boys from Santa, they get... Coal. Coal. That's a piece of shit, man. They still deserve something cool. Although, in this energy crisis... You're such a scientist. What a snooze.

So instead of a rock, in their stocking or whatever they get. You go around. Do you do it on the day after Christmas, or do you do it on? No, I do it on the night before Christmas, just like Santa. So does Santa come first? Yeah, he always has to. Very selfish.

Then you finish yourself off? Yeah, well, I go to Mrs. Claus. Wow, wow, wow, yum. So Santa goes through the homes of every... He creeps around your house, watches you sleep for a while. Does he turn on your TV and go through your TiVo? Yeah, he likes to see what you're watching. make sure you weren't being naughty and watching bad stuff.

Like, what's bad stuff? Homeland. So if you're watching Homeland, you're getting cold. You're getting cold. And this is something I've wondered. Does Santa, does he actually, if a home, let me just phrase it this way,

if a woman is barren. Mm-hmm. And childless. Got it. Not by choice, but by nature. Oh, okay. Just... Where is this going?

Does Santa go to their homes? No, he visits little kids. What do you think? Does Santa come to your house? Or you don't know. You're wondering because you're asleep. I have no idea, yeah. He likes to go visit little kids. He goes, okay, so there are certain houses Santa never goes to. Yeah, of course.

Okay, because he can't hit every house. Well, that would be impossible. Yeah. Yeah. So you then, he comes around, he does his business. I hide in his sack. So you're there with him. Yeah.

So you're hiding in his sack. just like a little toy. Yeah. Has he ever accidentally given you to a little boy or girl underneath the tree? Yeah, I lived with them for four years. And what were their names? Tim, Lisa. Was it tooltime Tim Taylor?

Yeah. So you then, while he's sort of going about his business, you know, hitching up the ranger, does he unhitch the ranger every single house? No, they can't be trusted. They'll run away. They'll run away. Really? Does he enslave them?

Yeah. They don't want to be doing what they're doing? No. What's all that malarkey we hear about Rudolph the Red Nose Rander wants to lead the sleigh and all that? He just wants something good to do with his life that's already gone to hell.

He's trapped on the North Pole. And are they eternally young? Are they... Yeah, they don't grow... No one on the North Pole ages. Really? At what age did you start off? Well, take a guess, based on my skin. My butt skin.

Oh, I see. I'm showing you. Well, the rings around your anus tell me that you're about... Looks to be about 5,000 years old. You got that right. As old as the Earth. Wow. Interesting.

I was the first thing. The Earth was formed and I... So you hide inside the sack. He goes about his business. And then I sneak around and I put weapons under kids' pillows. So they can hold them in their sleep. Right. Does that ever go wrong?

I read a news story today about something like that. Oh, I don't know what your news story is. Never mind. Probably better not to touch on them. Yep, let's move. So now, so you do all of this, like, are you literally a room behind him, or does he finish all of his business as he goes up to the sleigh and then you come down? I'm sneaking down.

I keep myself in the chimney until he's done, and then I sneak in and I go right behind. Doesn't he go up and down the chimney, though? Does he not notice you? Not over and over. Well, you said you... I just come right behind him and I hold myself up in the chimney. But doesn't he go back up it? Well, at the end, but I've already come in.

Okay. What are you, a detective? I know a couple of detectives. I'd like to get them on this case. I visited them before. You visited them? Yeah. Are they your best customers?

Yeah, I gave them stuff to kill their mommy. JJ and Murphy. Very bad. Yeah. The O'Malemans? Yeah. Yep. Blah.

Why are you barfing? Oh, I love them. That's another thing if you don't know, Ho-Ho. Are you a he or a she? Yep. Yep. Yeah. You barf when you like something.

Yeah. Blah. What did you just like? What you said. Because it was the truth? Yeah. I love the truth. Nothing but the truth.

So help you God? Yeah. I don't believe in him. Does Santa believe in God? Yeah. Santa's a religious man. Santa loves religion. Really?

Which religion does he ascribe to? Whatever people believe in who loves Santa. He's very people-pleasing, you know? So if you belong to a religion that does not believe in Santa... She doesn't believe in Santa. even your legend. Oh, okay. That adds up.

Yep. So then you give all these toys to the bad boys and girls, and that's what you do, and you serve a very great purpose because the bad boys and girls, there's no reason they should be sad. Yeah, they shouldn't get just coal. They need something fun like a nunchuck.

Did you say nut chuck? Yeah, nutchuck. Nunchukuk. Right. Brass knuckles. Brass knuckles. Throwing stars? You ever give away throwing?

For sure. Yeah, those ninja-throwing star with a dartboard with your parents' picture on it. Really? It's a good practice. But aren't you just kind of feeding into the fact that these children will remain being bad then? Yeah. Is there no recidivism? No.

Don't you love bad kids? They're just going to stop just because you don't give them something. Yeah. They're just going to keep being bad, though. They're never going to change. Yeah. Do you want them to change? Do you want every boy and girl to be bad on the face of the earth?

Yeah. I do. I love bad people. What kind of world would that be? Even one bad person you don't like. Nah. That's true. He's funny in those naked, probably the funniest part of those naked gun movies.

Oh, yeah, they're going to say his naked videos. He's really funny in those. Phil Specter? What about him? Cool hair. You really see the bright side, Ho-Ho. I'm very optimistic. Glass half full.

Yeah. When you see a glass, what is usually in the glass? Come. Disgusting, ho-ho. How-ho. What do you want for Christmas? Well, I, you know, I'm an adult. Uh-huh.

So Santa doesn't come to my house, apparently. I know, but what do you want? What do I want? For your wife. Would you? If she doesn't get me what I want, will you get it for me? Sure, yeah, fine, I'll put you on my list. Really?

Yeah, what do you want? Do you think I'm a bad little boy? Yeah, oh. I guess I would like, you know, more love and understanding. Oh, God. I want a glass of calm. Is that what you want to hear? Oh, good, yes.

Coming right up. How's it coming right up? Where do you keep it? Just wait a second. I thought your candy cane emitted snow. Yeah, but yeah, but it's the same thing. Oh, wait, snow? Snow is calm.

Who makes all of it? How do you? Do you think it's so beautiful? Go out and stick your tongue out. So you're just bucoccing everyone in the world? Yeah, bleh. You're welcome. All right, ho.

Do you have any plans while you're in Atlanta? What are you doing here? Yeah, I'm going to go visit the Coca-Cola factory. Yeah, I'm going to go see the new Christmas cans for next year. Oh, okay. For this year? Yeah. Oh, yeah, for this year.

2016. Uh-huh. And add some flavoring. Blah. What kind of flavoring? Chocolate. Oh, really? You're adding chocolate into Coke?

Yeah. Oh, that's really interesting. Yeah, it's really interesting. What do you hope to see on the cans, the design of the cans? My visage. But you're a mythical creature. You don't want people to know you exist, do you? Yeah, I do. I want some attention this year.

I need attention. What if you, you know, everyone, it's all the rage now to have a reality show, you know, you have a very interesting life. What if you were to have some sort of, you know, cameras following you were on? Cameras can't capture me. Really? Yeah. You're like a vampire?

I'm like Amish. I think you're mixing up your legends. The legend of the Amish? A camera couldn't capture them? Do you operate at such a different, vibrational frequency that cameras really yeah why is it that human eyes can see you then i don't know i don't understand technology do you you point something at well okay never mind yeah yeah well that's don't ask questions you can't answer wait how would i know what you're gonna

answer to any question i'm trying to find out about you ho ho yeah ho so did you go down to the coca cola plant yeah i did anyone in there yeah it was cool you didn't let anyone in there is No, I said I went in there. I just stuttered. You went in there. Yeah. I rode around in the bottles and stuck my head out. Levelde.

Like in Laverne and Shirley. I don't know that anyone was riding in bottles sticking their heads out. Yeah, but you know what I mean in general. The factory. There was a bottling. Shumil me a smoldly. Yes. They put a rubber glove on.

Yeah, I did that. I put one over my head and suffocated. It was fun. Do you, you like to. To suffocate yourself? Yeah, it feels great. Do you do anything weird to yourself? Clean living, that's all I do.

Oh, wow, good for you. What are you vegan? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. What do you eat? What do elves eat? Rangier. And something else.

I'm not going to ask. Okay. Mrs. Claus's tits. All right. Yum. Yum. Delish. Delish. All right.

Oh, hell. You agree. I'll send you your warmer guards. I know what you're talking about. I know you do. You love it. Yep. I don't care.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. All right, Ho-ho. Can you stick around here and be sort of my co-co-co-co-co-host? Co-ho-host.

Co-ho-host. Okay, great. All right, Ho-ho. Thank you so much. Totally. Ho-ho, the Noddy elf. Thank you. Will you please stop for one second so I can tell you this?

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That's Shopify.com slash freedom. roll this time. Here you're first this new year with Shopify by your side. Who's coming? I'm excited. Are you excited? Yeah. This is someone whom I have never met before. Oh wow.

Yeah, that's exciting. Neat-oh. He is a gentleman I don't even know his name. Cool. I just know a title actually. It's a gentleman by the name of the contraptionaire. Wow. A warm welcome for the contraptionaire. What a pleasure. it is to be here.

I haven't been to Atlanta in quite some time, my friends. I myself, I hail from the southeast, Savannah, Georgia. Savannah, Georgia. That's correct, sir. My place of birth.

Oh, is that so? It is. Sir, do you, do you purport to tell me that you are, in fact, a Georgia beach? Oh, wow. What's that, what's that little creature? It was a cute idea. Hi.

Hello. This is Ho-ho. Look at you. Are you real? You're not real? I don't know. I thought that was something that would have come up before. If you believe in me, I'm real.

Well, I believe that I'm looking at you. I thought at first glance that perhaps you were some sort of clockwork doll. I thought you might be the new Harriet Tubman. Dollar bill. That's your question, sir. Sure. Why would you have that delusion? Well, it's as tiny as.

is a dollar bill. It's the exact size of a dollar bill. But not the shape, sir. Not the shape. Pardon me. Pardon granted. Thank you very much for having me on your program. My pleasure. Now, we have never met before. No. We are meeting for the first time now, sir. Even now. We are studying each other's facial features and getting to know one another visually. So that perhaps, by chance, should we meet again, we shall recognize one another?

I sort of I like to do it visually but I also like to feel so would you mind if I just kind of like He's fake blind This is unorthodox But I will allow it As I am a gentleman

What does it feel like? Part above the lip was a little fuzzy Hmm Well as I say I am a gentleman's sir So I have a gentleman's mustache So you're from Savannah, Georgia

You live Savannah Georgia, yes Yes And that's the extent of what I know about you other than your title. Well, then allow me to elucidate, my friend. Hands of impending knowledge. It's, with great anticipation, we want to know more.

I hope that you are savoring these last few moments of ignorance as to my identity. I love it. Now begins your new life. Please cross the threshold with me as I tell you who the fuck I am. As you have said, sir, I am known as the contraption. I am a man who makes contraptions. Wow.

Should have guessed that. We could probably use you at the North Pole. What do you make? Well, I make all manner of contraptionary devices. So you invent things. Oh, sir. I have no truck with inventions. I do not make machines.

I make contraptions. I see. I contract things. Hmm. So you must. So you must own a lot of patents then? No, I do not. That is for inventors, sir.

The patent is the bane of the contraptionary arts. Do contraptions do anything? Oh, they do all manner of things, you tiny weirdo. Let's say you want something done. A common household task that you are tired of doing with your own two hands because haven't you got enough to worry about on this God's green earth that we call home? Well, what you need is a contraption to assist you. Oh.

Is there some sort of household task that I'm tired of doing, like refiling and alphabetizing my books? Oh, my heavens. Is there a more hateful task on this world than refiling and alphabetizing wants books? It is enough to give a grown man the vapors, I should say. Well, my friend, what you need is a contraption. Okay, I'm starting to get it. then see... I am so glad that you were joining me on the other side.

So you would you would not invent something? I would contrapped something, sir? You would contrapped something? Yes. What would it look like? Would it be made of... Oh, I don't know. I have not...

I've not contrapted this thing. Okay. I can tell you this, probably rubber bands would be involved. Let me paint a picture for you. The job of which you speak, although I have not been contracted to contract this particular contraption. Like that. I would say definitely rubber bands will be involved. Probably a tall glass of water

that would be kicked over by a shoe that is held in place by wooden slat on a hinge. I see, I see. May I ask you this, sir? Certainly. In order to speed up the contraptionary process. Do you have a tame squirrel in your home? Mean squirrel?

Yeah, a tame squirrel in his teens. Can't be a tween, Skirl. Skirl? That's what we call. Skirl, twirl, you're a tween now. Skir, you know it's true. Ooh, ooh, ooh. I love school.

I don't think I have an untamed squirrel in my home. I try to keep my home squirrel free. I do. I have lots of untamed animals in my home. Is that so? Would you describe your home? for me. It's the North Pole.

Okay. It's a red shack. It's a shack. All the elves live in a red shack outside of Santa's house. Really? Well, I guess to someone as tiny as you, a small shack would seem like a giant mansion. It's a mansion to me, yeah.

Yeah, it's endless. Endless. Yeah. I do cartwheels all over the place, and I never reach either side. Wow. So why do you call it a shack, then? Because that's what Santa calls it when he hits us. Now, you will forgive a gentleman's incredulity,

you tiny mythological thing. But do you mean to say that Santa Claus, Father Christmas himself, you mean to say he beats his elves? Uh, yeah, the naughty ones. For some reason, I find that very impossible to believe. Well, I'll send you a vine I took of it. And is that the telephone appliance that everyone is using? Vine's the old Snapchat.

You're familiar with that, aren't you? These are words that I have heard separately, but not in this particular order. So what type of animals do you have? Are we done with me, a person you've never met before? I find this interesting, and it is tangentially related. Sir, you seem to have reached the apex of your interest in me, a total and complete stranger. Don't get sad. It's okay. I am never sad, for I'm always thinking of new contraptions in my brain.

What are you thinking of right now? Well, right now? thinking of a contraption that would free young hooligans from the inside of abandoned refrigerators which they persist in playing inside of and a palm.

And not miniature refrigerators. And not many fridge boxes. No, these are full-sized refrigerators that maybe you could fold a Lisa mattress in half and cram it in there if you take out all the shelves and, of course, the produce that you have

stored within it. That's another good slogan. Lisa Mattress, don't crawl into our box and die. That's what she said. Well, you got me there. She did say it, and we had to address it. So you're thinking of a contraption to release these hooligans from these refrigerators. Yes, I am.

Hmm. And what would it, I mean, do you know the mechanism yet? I can almost see it very clearly. I know that marbles would be involved. I think a ringing alarm clock. And I am guessing some sort of waterfowl on a tether. Do you ever, like, go to the machine shop and make parts for any of your contraptions? The machine shop, he says.

I will forgive you your adorable naivete, my friend. But the machine shop is no friend to the contraption air. Because then it would turn into an invention. It would turn into a machine. Do you see? Machines and contraptions are two entirely different things. Are you worried somehow about machines rising up? Is that why you don't want something to be a machine? That will never happen, my friend.

Really? The machines will never rise up because the machines lack a thing that is essential for rising up against human beings, and that is a soul. A machine does not know that it is sad. It just knows that it has to perform certain tasks. So meanwhile, humans are sad.

We're sad all the time. time. We're a very sad race of creatures. What a strange applause. I'm very sad, yeah. My life is horrible. I believe it was Shakespeare himself who said,

what a piece of work is man. Maybe he was talking about a contraption. I think he was talking about a human being. Yes, but that human being being a piece of work. Do you see what I'm saying? No, he was talking about like a man. He was saying. people are contraptions.

Anyway, I don't want to spit hands with you. I just want to impress upon you that my passion is making contraptions. And if I could, what I would love to do is once again slip the surly bonds of earth

and travel to outer space in a contraption of my own making. You say once again? It happened once by accident. This is a lot. like Philadelphia all over again. Are you trying to say that you...

Have penetrated the inky blackness of outer space? Yes, sir, I am telling you that. In a contraption of your devising. In a contraption of my devising. I did not even intend for this contraption to go as far as it did. My soul desire, my goal, was to get high enough up into space that I could take a photograph of my beloved Savannah, Georgia.

It as our Lord does see it from on high in the celestial heavens. Aren't there like astronaut pictures that exist? Yeah, just Google it. Oh, may I ask you a question? Did I take those? I don't know. Why would you bother taking a picture at all if there's Google as you say? Because you're taking a picture of something that there isn't a picture of,

like your own birthday party. Right, I see. So everyone, if anyone's ever taken a picture of you, you should forbid anyone else forever taking a picture of you again it's been done hey if you go into the Grand Canyon one of the earth's most natural wonders

and all-inspiring spectacle throw your camera in the trash can this is a sound argument I am being sarcastic for the sake of those for the sake of those audience members who are a might slower of the uptake than we might be you're super condescending

am I sir not only to me but to all of them. Well, now, you will forgive me. I do not mean to condescend. I'm merely trying to elucidate my position vis-à-vis the photographic arts. It's making me feel bad.

So you were trying to launch yourself up into space? Yes. So you weren't trying to go to space. You were merely trying to launch yourself up into space. Sir, I beg you, I crave your indulgence. if it would not be too much trouble for you to shut up for two seconds that I may tell you my story I sought merely to rise above the earth's atmosphere

take a photograph of my own taking of my beloved Savannah, Georgia. But my contraption, it had an artificial intelligence that had other ideas. I had contrapted it too well, sir. it is possible to contract too well. Why did you need an artificial intelligence to launch yourself up into the atmosphere?

To monitor the various beeps, boops, and buzzes of the contraption, sir. Please, you are showing your ignorance to everyone here, including ladies. How'd you get back? There's a little more to the story before we get back to right now. Sorry, I'm just very curious.

Geez. Well, fill in the blanks. I will do so directly. There's artificial intelligence, which was merely supposed to monitor boops and beeps, as I said. It took me to other dimensions. Well, can you imagine such a thing? Other dimensions.

Yes, there are seven dimensions. Seven? Whoa. Only seven? I thought there were as many dimensions as there were choices in the human... Is this a choose-your-own-adventure book you're talking about?

Because those are severely limited. The reviews are in. Gotta get back to the gym. What are the seven dimensions? Well, the dimension in which we live, of course, is the peanut butter dimension. Of course. Because we're the only dimension

where peanut butter exists. Really? Wow, I'm so glad I live in this one. I don't know what I would do without peanut butter. Aren't you glad you live in the peanut butter dimension? Yeah. There's the kangaroo dimension. But wouldn't that be the kangaroo dimension

because it's the only dimension that has kangaroos? No, they got everything else except peanut butter. But kangaroos are very popular. I mean, kangaroos are popular here. Not as popular as they are in the kangaroo dimension. Like how... Oh, if a kangaroo from the peanut butter dimension, were to travel to the kangaroo dimension

while he would feel like he were a king on this earth, sir? Really? Yes. There's as popular as like the Kardashians or something like that? Not that popular, a little bit more popular. Oh, okay, a little less. Just more popular than kangaroos are here. So, like, as popular as Kathy Griffin?

I'm trying to figure out the scale here. If it pleases you and makes it easy if you to understand, sir, then yes. In the kangaroo dimension, kangaroos are as popular as Kathy Griffin. Wow. I don't know why you're condescending to me. you're the one who knows these things. I do not mean to condescence, sir. I believe it is merely my manner,

and I fear that I am being ungentlemanly when I do not intend to do so. So kangaroo dimension, peanut butter dimension. We have five dimensions left. Tipsy-topsie. Tipsy-topsie. The tipsy-topsie dimension. Is everything upside down there?

No, it's just more tipsy-topsie. Hey, the confetti from the other show. I've been saving that since New Year's. To all. Acquaintance been forgot to Respect my next I will Ease

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Tipsy Topsy. There's Eggtown. Ape town. Egg town. Oh. Egg town. Everybody looks like a humpty jumped it. Otherwise it's exactly the same.

Cute. It's pretty adorable. Are they cracked? Some are cracked as some human beings are cracked in the soul. Uh-huh. Any cheers for that? A lot of neelists out there. There's Little Eggtown.

Little Eggtown. What is that like? That everyone is shaped like eggs, but they're littler. Is that another dimension or just part of eggs? It's another dimension. Okay. There's another dimension. It's another dimension. Another dimension. Another dimension.

Another dimension. Another dimension. No doubt this is a reference to popular music, which I find abhorrent. Yeah, you only like all-leg zined. And the Star Wars canteen a theme. My two favorite songs. Hey, that's my hair. Is that yours? Okay, so we've got five.

That's right. Great, great, great. Melon bank. Melon bank. Melon bank. Mail and bank? Melon bank. Melon bank.

Like watermelon? Like the bank called melon bank. You don't need a reference. No one's ever heard of that. No one's there. How many people here have heard of melon bank? It appears that the two of you are in the wrong while I, have been vindicated.

Well, I have an excuse. I live at the North Pole. What about you? I'm stupid. Are you the type who saves all of his money in a mattress, sir? Well, I do have a very comfortable mattress. Layers of cooling gel

to keep your money in. Yep. At least the mattresses have cooling gel inside them. Certainly. And there's a money back guarantee. Do they have gel in them like one of my favorite childhood toys? The Stretch Armstrong?

Yep. Yeah, you could stretch it all the way out. They're like a jelly donut, actually. Oh, that kind of gel. Yeah. All right. Edible. Melonbag is a dimension that has been

corporatized and taken over by melon bank. Oh, that's sad. The logo's everywhere. And one more? That's right. That's correct, sir. The dimension with no math. The dimension with no math.

This is a world picturing. if you can, if you dare. This is a world that mirrors our own, and yet they have no mathematics to speak of. So school is one hour shorter? No, it's the same length, but they just sit around for an hour. And no one knows why.

No math, that must mean there's no clocks. No time. That's correct. Oh, I know someone would be very upset about that. Ahoo! Not important. If you say so. There'd be no

card. There'd be no inventions, practically. No birthdays. No Christmas. That's correct. All of these are. Oh, no. What do they do?

Is there a Santa Claus? There used to be. Wait, Sanctus. Please, Contraption Air, tell us the tale of what happened to Santa Claus. He's immortal in our dimension. It was snowing in the dimension with no math.

Mm-hmm. It feels good. What happened over? We've established that when it snows, it's ho-ho jerking off. Oh, is that so? Yeah. Yeah. Might have missed that.

I fear that I must have. I'm glad to be caught up to speed on stage in front of all of these people. Little children were waiting for Christmas presents that would never come. Oh, no. Because, of course, there was no such thing as Christmas, because there was no such thing as a calendar, because there was no such thing as math. But... the citizens of the dimension with no math, they carried on

all the traditions that we have here on earth, but they did not know what to do with them. And so, on Christmas Day, everyone's goddamn families would show up at their door, expecting some gigantic meal and a bunch of gifts. But the families that lived there were perplexed. Why, sir, why? Should I give you a bunch of gifts?

and would they all have arguments about what house they were going to go to? Every single time and no one knew why Santa Claus from his poach his pooch up in the northern pole he looked down

at the citizens of the mansion with no mouth and he said well I guess that's that and it blew his brains out he shot Skittles directly into a Go. Anything can kill you with enough velocity. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. Good idea. Evil's not a man as a suggestion little creature. I'm always looking for new toys for the kids. All right. Just saying. So.

I feel as if I do not wish to encourage your behavior because you seem to be perhaps an evil thing. I'm more naughty than evil. There's a difference, you know? Well, now, you're talking about providing firearms to children. That almost seems as if, and you'll pardon me for saying, as I am a gentleman, it seems as if that crosses a bit of a line. They're still legal, contraption air, as long as I have any breath in my body. Oh, I see.

Fight. What, dude? Do not hear the words of this malicious sprite. Man, I almost punched him. You're right. You did. What am I thinking? I'm sorry.

I would hate for you to strike me, sir, and then you would have to meet me on the field of honor at dawn. It's too early. Exactly. Why? Why must these tools occur first thing in the morning? You still got your eye boogers in. It's hard to get a straight shot.

There's any occasion for what you wish to sleep in. It's certainly... To die. Where you might be blowing someone's face off. Face... Off? That's great. That is what I said.

Oh, okay. I thought I misheard. So, which dimension did you travel to? I traveled to all of them, sir. All of them? I saw all of them from my contraption in the sky. And may I say, at the risk of sounding like a pandering peat. An expression we all know.

Everyone knows the expression of pandering peat. May I just say, and I do not know how people respond to this. The peanut butter dimension is the greatest of all. all seven dimensions. Yeah. Now can I ask, how'd you get back? Oh, I asked the artificial intelligence. Will you please take us back to him?

Oh, okay. Does the artificial intelligence still exist? I had to destroy it. Oh. I wonder if it knew you would do that. Well, now, sir, it never occurred to me that the artificial intelligence of my contraption may have been planning this

and had been ahead of me the whole time. Well, that would impart to this device, a sort of emotional intelligence that I had not intended for, eight two possesses. And if machines have emotions, contraptions. Begging your pardon. If contraptions have emotions, do they not have souls?

Sir, you have shaken me to my very core. And I'm now questioning every belief I once had about that which I hold most dear. which is to say contraptions. Can I ask, what was the artificial intelligence made out of? It was like,

let's see. There was like one of those fireplace bellows who was in there. I think eight ball from a pool table. A stack of flapjacks was just smothered in syrup. And if I'm not much mistaken,

a delightful and mischievous order. One of those tame animals that you're so fond of you. Indeed. I have referenced there before and I have done so again. So what are you doing in Atlanta? Oh, I'm here for a Coca-Cola because you really want to get as close to the source as possible. Oh, sure.

It's like Guinness and Ireland. Like the closer you get to the Coca-Cola Museum, the more delicious the Coca-Cola is. The effervescence is tantalizing. It's like cocaine. The more you cut it. What's that? Oh, you don't know what cocaine is. Oh.

Are we in the cocaine dimension as well? You tell me. We have cocaine here. You're missing out. Describe to me what it is and what its effects might be. It's a white powder, and it makes you feel like you're infinite. It sounds like an exciting powdered contraption.

It's not really a contraption. It's just dust. Sort of like snow in a way. Yeah, you could say it's similar to snow. Well, this is very interesting. Thank you. You're a very interesting person. Thank you very much for saying so.

It would be prideful if I were to think that of myself. But it's all right that others think of that. Well, who am I to tell you what you can and cannot say, sir? And of course, your thoughts remain your own. Either expressed or unexpressed. It matters not. Went to me. Is this your Twitter bio?

I enjoyed that. I also enjoyed that. Thank you. Well, can you stick around? We have another guest. I have literally no other place to go on Earth. But in other dimensions? I pray that I remain in the peanut butter dimension

till the rest of my days, sir. What's the worst of the dimensions if you had to go to it? Tipsy-topsie. Because that is a dimension where in the story of Christ, the same across all dimensions. Oh, good. What a relief.

Christ is killed with water balloons. Is that the only difference in the dimensions? It's a pretty big difference, sir. Seems better. It wasn't. It was a gruesome spectacle to behold. I would rather go that way. Me too. Kill me with water balloons if I could die. All right, I will make a note.

All right, well, we have to get to our next guest. That is fine. And I have to look up his name, unfortunately. But... So often when we have guests come to visit us, we do have to consult some sort of recording to make sure we know what their names are. Do either of you like the arts in general?

Yeah. I like them in general. Specifically music. Oh, yeah. As we know, I enjoy two songs. What is your favorite song, Ho-Ho? Um, bitches ain't shit, but hoes and tricks May I ask a question?

Yeah. Is it because half of your name is in it? Yeah. Thanks for noticing. It's fun. Yeah. It's fun when you hear your name in a song. Yeah.

I don't think I've ever heard my name in a song. The name... What is your name again? You don't know my name. You've been talking to me for a half hour. Well, the name that happened so early on. Okay. Also, you did not introduce yourself.

Oh, sorry. Scott Ackerman. Oh, hello. Is there a jingle for Scott? toilet paper? They're trying to make a song. This simple observation seems to have fomented some sort of riot in this theater. What an unexpected ton of events.

I noticed you have an interesting accent. Do I say? Every 300th word. Is that so? Notice that sometimes I lean in, particularly haul, to a certain void or two? Boyd, that was one. All right, well, our next guest is a singer. said music. Cool.

A legendary soul singer. This is exciting. Please welcome to the stage in Atlanta. You're going to know him. Please welcome Donnie Gary. Thank you for having me, Mr. Rockman. My goodness. That's love.

That's my song. That's love. That's your song and you're sticking to it. Yep, I'm sticking to it. Thank you very much for having me. My pleasure. Donnie Gary. Yes.

Such a legend. Such a legend. Yeah. I've been all around the world. Unfortunately, you guys may have seen a little bit about me in the news right now. I'm currently in trouble for tax evasion. Oh, no. It's terrible. Yeah, yeah. Five million dollars in debt. Five million dollars? Five million dollars in debt right now. Now that is quite a sum of money, sir. Yes. I mean, it's a low amount of millions. That is true. So that's on the bright side. There could be 999 million. That's the most millions.

So... Most millions, 99 million. No, you could have 1,000 millions. No, that's 1 billion. It switches over to 1 billion. Flip's the switch. Yep. It becomes 1 billion.

Lucky for me, I'm only 5 million. That is lucky. How'd you get to... Well, I was not aware you had to pay taxes. I did not know that the country needs money to run. Mr. Gary, you are saying that in the entirety of your life, you remain ignorant of the idea of federal income taxes. I thought that roads were made by Good Samaritans.

I see these gentlemen out there working, and I was like, That's mighty kind of them. We needed this road. But, Mr. Gary, when you... Oh, he's overcome with emotion. No. Oh, my goodness. He's crying.

Wipe the tears, please, please. Sorry. So sentimental. I cry thinking about all those people working at the post office for free. You've gone to an amusement park, certainly, in your life. Yes, yes. It's a good place to start.

Of course you have. There's a perfect place to stop. to illustrate the idea of taxes. You've paid to get into Disneyland, I would imagine. No, no, I sneak in inside of a stranger's stroller. But you know you're sneaking in, so you know the concept of that it costs money. Yes, but I knew that was a private enterprise. As opposed to...

Public. Which is paid for by... Nobody. So you hadn't thought this through? Yes. No, I now know. But at the time, I was living the high life. Sure.

In the 70s. You're an older gentleman. Yes, I'm 64 years old, yes. Wow. Your music's amazing. Thank you so much. Yeah, actually, I have a new album coming out. You do?

I do, yes. Yeah, yeah. Thank you very much. Fantastic. When does this drop? It's going to drop as soon as I can get it recorded and produced. What is your name? new album about. Well, you know, a lot of this recent misfortune has inspired a lot of beautiful

new music. Well, from tragedy sometimes grows a song. As the old expression does go. That's true. Yeah, I would love to maybe try out a couple of songs on you guys. Oh, wow. Would the audience like to hear something like that? Wow. Oh, wow. Quite an event. This is amazing. Private concert. Hit it, baby. McDonald's, they charge you $1.50 for a soda. What did you know that if you hold on to that cup and you bring it back with you every time you go to McDonald's, you can have all the free soda you can drink. I reuse McDonald's cups. Yeah.

I don't ever pay for soda. Refills some fountain soda. Yeah. Two sodas for the price of one. That's what happens. People respond when you just transcribe your real life into music with. No rhymes. That's a good idea.

Thank you, yeah. I haven't had any water to drink in six months. Because you have been drinking this free fountain soda. This free soda. Do you notice the button on these that has like sometimes a W? Or it just says water? Oh, is that what that W stands for? Indeed.

Yeah. Oh, shoot. I should have noticed that. Is that why your teeth are all brown? Yes. Did you, they look like they've been colored with a marker. I'm currently coloring my teeth. I'm trying to start a trend.

Everybody's trying to whiten their teeth lately. And I know eventually it's going to come around and people are going to want nasty brown teeth. So I'm a little head of the curve. You guys will have your brown teeth soon. Get ready. Wow. So how has this affected your life? I mean, you were one of the more rich entertainers in the world.

I was, yeah. One of the more rich. One of the more rich. Not the most rich. No, no. No one would say that. Not one of the richest or richer, but one of the more rich entertainers. When you stacked entertainers up next to each other.

Which I have done. Really? Are we on the verge of a saucy story soon? One time I stacked all of Sly and the Family Stone on end. When they were sleeping and they did not wake up. It was crazy in the late. Like a stack of pancakes or like on top, feet on top of heads. Feet on top of heads.

That would be hard not to be good. I had to get some scaffolding. It was one of my craziest pranks. They used to call me the George Clooney of the 70s. And would they say that teenager? On facts of life. Yeah. They would say, that guy's going to grow up to be an on-set prankster.

They would call me that. Cool. Yeah. Well, I'm currently... It's funny you brought up amusement parks. I am currently living inside of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. On the third left, you will see a gentleman drinking out of a bottle that has three Xs on it in a repetitive motion, and then cackling and pointing.

That's me. What's in the cup? Soda. Well, now. Now, are you saying that you refill your plastic flagging at the McDonald's? No. Then you transported to this triple X jug at Disneyland? I refill, I refill the cup and I take it back and forth inside a ladies strollers.

A ladies stroller. Yeah, it's interesting because you had mentioned you sneak in there. I sneak out in strollers as well. They just let anyone leave. Had you not noticed that? They would rather you leave. I was not aware. I thought if you snuck into a place, you also had to sneak out.

Every gentleman must have his code. Yes. My gosh. So what is it like living in the Pirates of the Caribbean? I mean, do you have to do that? It must be thousands of times a day. Yes, I do that constantly. Occasionally, I'll switch and I'll go be that man who's running around in circles.

chasing the lady. Do you just stand with your leg up like you're moving? Yeah. And then I put a stick up my butthole. And it holds me in place. A crude but simple contraption. One of the first in history. Wow.

That's one of the first contraption. When the first caveman saw a stick, he said, I wonder what if it went up here? I have to agree. I think that happened pretty early on. I would not be a bit surprised. So that must not be the only change in your life, though. I mean, you live at Disneyland,

which seems more trouble than it's worth. Because you have also said you sneak out. So do you act the pirate for the hours of operation of the park and then leave? Yeah. Sneak in. At the end of the day. Sleep there. No, I just stay there during business hours and then I get the hell out of there.

Sleep. Currently, I am sleeping inside of a cracker barrel general store as a rustic scarecrow. From your singing days. Occasionally some older women will be like, this scarecrow looks a little. lot like Donnie Gary and I'll go, no it doesn't and they'll run off. What are their songs about? Well, I'm happy you brought that up because I would love to play track three. Yeah.

Wow. It been. Chargers behind in their hotel room and the lobby collects them in a lost and found. Well, did you know there's no rules saying you can't lie about all those charges being yours? Only for Boost Mobile Fall. My gosh. A lot of fans, a loose cell phone charge.

in the room. That had a very distinctive melody that I've heard three times. Well, yeah, like I said, I don't have any producers yet, so I had to record that song on a computer inside of the Apple Store before they kicked me out on garage band. I had about four minutes because I had been pretending to be a genius bar member for the whole day. Wait, so they... Animatronically? I was dressed as a genius bar member

drinking out of a big jug with three X's on it with a stick up my butt hole. And they didn't kick you out then. But only until you went to the computer to get on garage band. Yeah, somehow, you know those stores, they're really crowded, people are in there, they want to get a Mofi case and they want to get out.

So they didn't even notice. The customers didn't notice. Yeah. Nor the employees. Nor the employees. Because I was helping. were you? What was your best advice that you gave people about computers?

Control out delete. Do you know what that means? Uh, yeah, uh, that restarts your computer, right? Hmm? Now correct me if I'm wrong. Yeah. But is it not a restart button on the computer? I am only familiar with PCs from the early 90s.

I still actually have one hour left. one hour left of free AOL. Ooh, boy. Yeah, out of my 1,000 hours. I'm hanging on to that last hour. Yeah, just thinking about what you're going to do with it? Yeah, I don't know. Do you hope to time it out like your last hour alive?

Yes. That would be great to spend my last hour alive just kind of going through Reddit. It's probably happened to a lot of people. Yeah, how many people in the world does that happen to? A lot of people have heart attacks on Reddit. That is... Looking up their symptoms. That is perhaps the most chilling thought

that I have ever had. People are looking up their heart attack symptoms on Reddit. Yeah, getting into long... Heart attack symptoms go viral. I'm not going to listen to those eggheads and WebMD. I'm going to go to the regular people of Reddit. My left arm is tingling reditors. What do you say?

AMA. Which also stands for the American Medical Association. Ione of Ionies. My gosh, ma'am. So that's, so, yeah. Rough, rough stuff. Indeed, indeed. Yeah, do you have a vehicle of some sort, or do you?

I do, yeah. If anybody wants to go on a date with me, I do not currently have a car, but I get from place to place by stuffing myself inside of a tractor tire and rolling it down hills. You can only get to places going downhills. I'm slowly making my way to sea level. But if your date wants to go uphill. I go, sorry, baby. We are only going to the Chili's downwind.

As the old expression girl. You ever gone down that crazy San Francisco street with... I did. A lady wanted to... She wanted to eat those bread bowls. All of them? What sort of glutton was this? Just a lady with a big appetite at one of my shows. Forgive me if I'm prying.

From state to state inside a large tractor time? Yes, that's how I'm currently making my way down the Appalachian Trail. I will end up in Miami when it really flattens out there, so I'll be stuck, and then I'll stow myself inside of a Delta airplane. I'll pretend to be the pilot. Let me just tell you. There are better things to pretend to be. Many minutes.

He doesn't show up in a tire. I'm pretty sure being a pilot is all just about confidence. You can just fake your way up into that seat. And then all you got to do is push that lever forward and pull back on this lever. And then go, boink. Autopilot. Yeah. And then that other fool next year will take over.

My co-pilot. Now, you don't think he might say, question your credentials being as he has never seen you before. And you're probably not. dressed as a pilot. You'll probably dress like half a pirate from Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean. You got an Apple Genius t-shirt on. That's true. That's true.

And maybe you've got like straw coming out of a bag on your head. That's exactly what I look like. We can see you. We didn't want to bring it up before because we didn't want to embarrass you. And if you'll look underneath, this is a best buy t-shirt. Oh. Just in case? Just in case I have to work there for the day.

How many times does that come up? Very rarely. Probably not even worth mentioning. One time I had to work at a Best Buy, and I suggested a gentleman should, I suggest, he was looking. You're getting emotional again. Compose yourself. Compose yourself. I'm sorry.

This is a hard story. He was a police officer, and I knew he was, he was a police officer, and I knew he wasn't getting paid, and he came in, and I felt sorry for him, so I gave him a top, top-bottom washer dryer for free. A stackable washer and dryer. Stackable. I had them stacked up really high,

because I was pranking that best buy. George Clooney's back again, baby. With all of this extracurricular activity, it seems like it must be hard to focus on the music. It is, it is. But luckily, I was able to write three songs. Yeah. Wow.

I would love to sing the final song I have written. Really? Yeah. I think people would love to hear it. All right. Hit it, baby. What a treat. Oh.

They charge too much for food and snacks. Well, did you know that if you buy a bunch of diapers and you stuff them with barbecue, you can sneak as much food into the park as you want by just pretending you're carrying a sack full of dirty diapers? I want to see it coming. It's called the hunted mansion after all we shouldn't know they were in here. Big trash bag filled with McDonnell soda. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts.

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