Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Austin 2016

Episode Date: February 12, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from the Paramount Theatre in Austin, TX - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as ‘Smooth Criminal’ Al A. Peterson, Lauren Lapkus as Traci Rearden (Twaci Weawden) and Mike Hanford as sound fx master Archie Butts.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Freedom! Freedom! Hey, everyone, Scott Arkerman here, and I know what you're thinking. Where are the other two? Where's Paul? Where's Lauren? Oh, don't worry, Threatom fans, they are still with us. If you haven't heard an episode of Freedom recently, basically we're on hiatus.

while we take care of some other things. And while we are in this hiatus, we've been re-releasing episodes from the Comedy Bang Bang Tour of 2016. Now, in 2016, Paul and Lauren and I went on a very long tour. It took about a month all across the U.S. and parts of Canada. And we even went to Australia together. And that took longer than a month now that I'm thinking about it. But we also went to the UK, which Lauren did not go to.

But we did most of those episodes together, and so we've been re-releasing some of the episodes. So you can hear how freedom began, because these are the – this was the tour where we said, you know what, maybe we should do a show together. So what are we going to hear today? We're going to hear 2016 tour Austin. This is in Austin, Texas. I remember this episode just recording and thinking it was fantastic. in the moment just going, it doesn't get better than this.

And who knows if you agree? But who do we have? If you haven't heard Comedy Bang Bang before, the format is a talk show. I'm the host of the talk show. I play myself and then comedians such as Paul and Lauren play fake characters. On this episode, we're going to hear Paul F. playing Al A. Peterson, aka the smooth criminal. I don't want to give too many of his details away in case you don't know who that is,

but very funny character. And then Lauren Lapkis has one of her classic characters, Tracy Reardon. This is maybe the first character she ever came on Comedy Bang Bang with. I'm not really sure. We also have a special guest at this point in the tour. Mike Hanford, comedian Mike Hanford, was opening up for us, and he would occasionally do characters with us. And so at the end of the episode, you're going to hear Archie Butts,

played by Mike Hanford. So this is a very fun episode. I remember thinking it was a classic while we did it. and I hope you enjoy it too. So we're going to be back in a few more weeks here with new episodes, but until then, enjoy this episode of Freedom. What's up? Turn off them flashes. Austin, Texas. Hold on, I have to do this.

I forgot recently. Your password must contain a capital letter and imaginary number, two emoji, a Sumerian curse, and a scent memory from your childhood. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Pretty good. Thanks to Marie Horse Lamp. Don't like it. How are we doing? This is a beautiful theater here in Austin.

I love this city. I love this theater. I've been here many, many times. I've seen several movies here. I saw bridesmaids here. You're laughing like that's a joke. I did. What if I just came out here and lied to you about movies that I've seen?

I saw 2001, a Space Odyssey, right here in 1969. For fans of the balcony recaps, looks like we have one? How we doing up there? Yeah? Couldn't buy tickets on time like normal people? Well, now you're being punished for it, aren't you? These nice people are up front.

Right? Right people up front? Yeah! Especially right down here, right in front. guys doing. Yeah, okay, ma'am, you're screaming at everything. Not everything deserves a scream. What do you, what? Yes it does. You're mentally insane. What are you drinking? You drink it at a Tito's, am I right? My heavens, we drove in from Dallas today and, uh, yeah, I tell you, if you listen to last night's show, we made fun of the theater a lot. What a shithole.

And the, I don't know if it was the promoter or the, the usher or the technician, said to engineer Cody Ryan over here, said, does he make fun of the theater every night? Ryan said, yeah, he does. But I wouldn't make fun of this place. This is beautiful. We stopped in Waco, Texas on the way here.

What a strange reaction Some people fucking stoked And other people almost booing And them thinking better of it I don't care Had a waiter there in Waco Who said Are you just traveling through Waco

And we're like, no shit, who the fuck stops here? And he goes I hope you're not going to Austin I may have made him sound 3,000% more scared than he actually was. Hey, it's in the telling. And we said, well, we are going to Austin,

and what do you mean? He said, the traffic there. Hey, you should go to big cities. They're kind of cool. Dealing with traffic is part of it, but the auxiliary benefits are nice. How's it going up there? Who are you guys?

Did you buy these seats? What? No. No, stop shouting at me, sir. You got an upgrade? Is that what you said? Oh, very nice. Where were you before? Were you up there? Did my people come around and find you?

They're supposed to find all the hot chicks and like, a total David Lee Roth move. Didn't he used to like, he'd be singing, he'd be like doing the splits. Those aren't splits. I don't know what that was. That was me. I don't know. That is my version of a split. And then he would like, he'd be singing, then he'd like, point. And that was the, that was the cue for the, the bouncers to come over and take the girls backstage to ostensibly deliver him in blow jobs. So I'm going to do that tonight. And I can't

even see you guys. I'm just going to randomly point. Guys, we're traveling. We! Yes. We're traveling around the country with a fantastic group of people. It's been a lot of fun. And then we meet random people along the way, and I think you guys are in for a great show. You guys are ready to have some fun tonight. All righty. Let's get to our first guest. Now, this is someone whom I have never met before, and this is someone that I just happened to meet on the street, and I thought that he was an interesting person. He's a businessman. Please welcome Al A. Peterson. Thank you very much, Austin, Texas. Thank you. What an ovation. Thank you so much. Well, that's Wonderful. That's wonderful to see. Thank you all. What a pleasure. I'm unaccustomed to appearing in

public places like this, so this is really wonderful. Thank you very much. My, what a throaty voice you have. Oh, thank you. You know, I've heard that before. It's admired by many people. People love to talk to me on the phone. Do they? People call you just for pleasure. They don't announce that's what they're doing, but who am I to judge? Now I have a rule whenever anyone calls me, I immediately ask, is this business a pleasure? Sound. Sound, and that is what we hear on the phone, or sounds. You're very good at word associations.

You have a promising career as a psychiatric patient. Now, may I call you Al? You can call me Al. You can call me Al A. Peterson. You can also call me, what a lot of people call me, the smooth criminal. The smooth criminal. That's a nickname. It's a nickname. A Sobrake, if you will.

Are you a... Let me tell you why people call me the smooth criminal. Okay, please do. Please, don't make me try to wheedle it out of you. Just get right to it. I wouldn't dream of it. You see, they call me the smooth criminal because I'm a wanted felon and I am completely hairless. Now, regarding the latter,

Sure. I didn't want to say anything because I can only see maybe 10% of your body. I can see your head and your hands. That's true. So I didn't want to hazard a guess as to whether the other 90% is completely hairless. Well, you saw a look at my face and skull,

and you probably noticed no hair there. I did, I did. I think my eyebrows are very obviously drawn on. They're not even either. I don't know. Do you have someone doing it? Or, I do it myself, but I'm always on the go. Yeah, it's hard to find enough time.

It's usually, by the time you go, oh, my eyebrows, it's time to go out the door. Do you end up doing him in the car? It's true. I wouldn't even bother at all. Only I enjoy that it invites comparisons to the villain of Titanic himself, Mr. Billy Zane. I think he was the villain?

That's an interesting perspective. What did you think he was in that movie? I thought he was... The guy who seized a stranger's child so that he could get in a lifeboat? Did you think he was the hero of the film? You're a curious fellow and I enjoy your company. So, Al, you're completely hairless.

That's everywhere. That's every single part of my body where there would normally be hair. There is none. So your hands? Yeah, you mean the number one spot for body hair? That's right. Naked as a mole rat.

So if you're thinking my story doesn't check out, it does. there's no hair on my hands. So, okay, okay. I'll take you out your word. I'm not going to force you to strip down or anything in front of just fine people. Thank you. If I were to ask you to do it, would you? I wouldn't be surprised if I did.

I'm an unconventional person. You are? Okay. Please don't elaborate on that. No need to. Now, regarding the former, the fact that you're a criminal. That's right.

What exactly does that mean? There's all types of crime these days. There's drug offenses, which so many people are locked up for. And, you know, I think that's ruining America here. Too many people locked up for drugs. Can we, really? Come on, yeah. Is that the kind of thing that you are a criminal for? No.

I mean, hey, I feel like live and let live. You want to do drugs to alter your reality? Go right ahead. My life is plenty exciting. I don't need to add things into it. What I am is, I'm a guy. Let me start from the beginning. Oh, sure. How far back are we going?

A few years. A few years, really? Just a few years. Okay, this is the beginning of... My childhood was unremarkable. My early adulthood, same. I was just a regular guy until I faked alopecia to get out of a long-term relationship.

This is why I'm hairless, you see. I shave my entire body on a daily basis, including hands before you ask. Okay, now this is interesting to me. You're faking it. Is it? It is. I mean, you've hit upon the one interesting part of your life, it seems.

That's your call, friend. What kind of relationship were you in? Romantic? You know, it was a romantic? Yes, it was a... When I say a long-term relationship, I didn't mean me and my broker. You and your bookie?

Yeah. The guy who fixes my car. Scott was a long-term committed romantic relationship. We were college sweethearts. And things were great. Where'd you go to school, by the way? A school dear Boston. In Cambridge, maybe?

Around there, yeah. Oh, okay. In that neighborhood. I think I know the one you're talking about. Sure. Maybe you do, who knows. Anyway, we were in love. And then as we got older, you know, you change.

You know, you don't stay the same person you were in college. So when I got older. That's one of the changes that occurs, yes. Age. Are you doing a Fonzie impression? Age. Exactamundo. In addition to aging, I think I also changed emotionally.

And we started to want different things. Like, she wanted to settle down and she wanted to have a bunch of kids. And I thought that was what I wanted for a long. time until somebody else said it out loud. And then I was like, no thank you at all. I do not want that whatsoever. She was the one to say it out loud? Did you think we were watching a TV show

and someone on TV said it? You said someone. I thought that was a strange way to put it. Can I ask you a question? Straight up. I'm an open book. I really am. Are you an alien impersonating a human being? Of course not. I'm seating, right? That's good enough for me.

Anyway, I suddenly felt trapped and stifled. And I knew the one thing that would make her leave me and be okay with the relationship ending is if I shaved off all of my beautiful luxurious hair and told her it was never coming back. Now, you have to understand, I am normally an extremely her suit gentleman. You're like a Robin Williams, rest in peace.

I'm almost a Sasquatch. Just a face peeking out of just a haystack of hair. Shambling around like a man. A cousin It type. Not that far. Come on. Okay. I beg your pardon. I think I set the parameters pretty well. What's the difference between Sasquatch and It?

Well, Sasquatch, you can still see the definition of his body. That's important to you? It's important to me. And it certainly was important to my ex-girlfriend. What's her name, by the way? Do you mind me asking? Her name was Carlyfer. Carlyfer?

Yes. Her father's name was Carl and her mother's name was Jennifer. That's beautiful. It's not. It was awkward and clunky, a terrible portmanteau. And I told her father that, and he admired me for it. Really?

Yes, he shook my hand. Do you say that he liked the cut of your jib? He didn't know those words because he's not a Navy man, but he did shake my hairy hand, and he cowered before me. That's the ultimate sign of respect. Well, anytime you as a boyfriend can make a girlfriend's father cower before you, it feels pretty good.

What was it sort of like? Can we try? Absolutely. You be, I tell you what. Okay. Let's reverse the rules. Okay. You be me, and I'll be the father. So you say to me, I'm sorry, but I think that name is terrible.

It's a clumsy portmanteau of your two names. And you can see the definition of my body, right? Oh, sure I can. What's that all about? Doing the splits. Why are you doing that? Call back from earlier. I thought we were telling my story.

At no time, let me assure the audience, at no time to, I do the splits during this exchange. Well, that seems like a missed opportunity. I'll tell you this. I have terrible hips. Your hips aren't lying, are they? Hips can't lie. Oh, okay.

I have dysplasia. It's a dog disease, but somehow I caught it. I think it's, when I was in college, a fun prank we would do is drink out of a dog bowl. Who's it a prank on? The dog. Aha, you wanted water. That's right.

We just drink beer. It's funny. That was classic joke structure. I felt like we were in vaudeville for a second. This beautiful theater was standing up like this. I hope the pies are standing by backstage. Do you remember who you are? I do.

I'm you. Do you remember who I am? You are... First, I'm Alley Peterson, the smooth criminal. As saying the role of Carl. Of my ex-girlfriend's father, Carl. That's correct. Now is Jennifer around?

She's in the kitchen. Okay. Secret drinker. Where's her stash? Oh, it's in the kitchen cupboards. She'd say, I gotta go check on that roast. We had spaghetti for dinner. She goes in there.

We get all the clinking and clanking. You're not fooling anyone, Jennifer. Also, you reek of vermouth. Was that her drink of choice? That was your drink of choice, Vermuth. Strange. It takes a lot to get a buzz from vermouth. That's why all the clinking and clanking.

Okay. All right. Ready? Al E. Peterson. Al A. Peterson. You can remember it because it kind of sounds like Al A. Pisha. Yes. Kind of. Did you change it?

It's just a weird coincidence. Okay. All right. So I'm Al A. Peterson. That's right. And I'm Carl, that sniveling worm of a husband. Oh, my wife doesn't respect me, but she's a fall-down drunk on Famuth. Kind of a life of my living. I'm a weakling.

I hate this. Hi. Oh. Hello, Al. I see you are my girlfriend. You're my daughter's boyfriend. Whoa, Dr. Freud. Hold on a second.

Now look. We have your first patient ready. Now hold on a second, guys. I'm not a professional actor, okay? I don't know how those guys do it are remembering the false names that they're supposed to be living under. It's amazing to me.

I'll watch like an episode of NBC's Blindspot. Everyone's calling her Jane Doe. I expect the actress on screen to say, Jane Doe, that's a fake name. Oh, that's me. Hats off to that lady, she's dynamite. I think the first five minutes of every TV show should be people figuring out what their names are.

Why do you think that should be the case? It sets me at ease as a viewer. I understand that. For me, I like to wear a thundershirt when I watch television. That puts me at ease. It's also a prank on my dog. Look what you don't get. It's fun.

It's fun to play pranks on a dog. Guess what? They'll fall for it every single time. All right. Now, we're going back to the scene. I'm Carl, yes. Back to one. Hello, Al.

You are my daughter's boyfriend. Yes, and you are my girlfriend's father. Correct. Say, what do you think of my daughter's name that we came up with? I hate it. It's a clumsy portmanteau. Put her there. Please don't hurt me.

That's pretty much exactly how it went. Okay. Nice. Nice. That reminds me. That word, Ryan, do we have the, do we have the Hollywood Fax theme? Well, it's Hollywood Facts,

and we're going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. Everybody know your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of cars. Get a drink, at a club, then go walk in front of the Chinese theater. Hollywood Facts, take out your dick. Check out the Facts, it's the Hollywood Fax, bro.

Yeah. How does everyone know that song? It took the country by storm. I just know it because it was one of our college jukebox favorites. It would be Sweet Caroline, American Pie, and the Hollywood Facts theme. So good, so good. Right.

You know what I'm talking about? I do. Anyway, Scott, if you don't mind. Sure. I am out here because I'd like to promote my business. I don't think that we ever finish the story of your girlfriend. Oh, so I faked alopecia. Right.

She was very under your hair. She loved it. She loved it. It turned her on, man. She couldn't get enough of it. She would run her fingers through my head hair, my chest hair, my hand hair, and sometimes my calf hair.

Calf hair. Oh, yeah. I had incredibly thick calf hair. What about your thigh hair? It was a little spotty on my thighs. I was always embarrassed, so I'd wear bored shorts to the beach. So, you faked alopecia, enough said. I told her, Carlifer, it's never coming back, baby. This is it from now on.

I have a totally bald body. Did it happen? And it all happened overnight. Like it all fell out? Was she at work and she came back and you were totally hairless? Did you miss the part where I said I shaved it all off? But not in front of her, obviously. No, of course not. Hey, you have all the makings of a criminal yourself.

I'm always figuring out the angles. That's right. It's like a sting in here. Not sting the singer. No. No. Not. Sting the singer. That's why I said the Sting.

It's not a title. We're not going to have a new sting after Sting dies. No, I would kind of like it. Like, we should have a new prince, right? I don't think so. I think that is an unpopular opinion. What a bold declaration you just made. I just think whoever's next in line,

like, you know, one of the guys in Boys to Man or something could just take over being Prince. Probably would be about the same, sure. Like nothing ever happened. So... She was, of course, very upset. And she said, maybe we can still stay together.

And I said, uh-oh. So I waited until she was asleep, and then I bolted out of there. So wait, it didn't even work. It sure didn't. I guess I misjudged her character. She turns out to be a pretty decent person. What city was that back in Cambridge?

By this point, we moved on to, let's just say, any town USA. I'm trying to protect Carlyfer's identity. I probably should have said her name. And her parents' names. And her parents' names. But how do you know that's not a lie? I am, after all, a smooth criminal. Oh, yes.

Well, getting to that, the smooth criminal, you have a business. Yes, I have a business. It's a criminal enterprise. We help people fake their own deaths. Okay. Hey, this is interesting. So people who are in situations that they feel are inescapable. They need a new life for whatever reason.

Maybe they got in trouble at work. They embezzled money from their employer. Maybe they're in a loveless marriage. Maybe someone said, I'm going to beat you up next time I see you. And they're like, I'm not taking any chances. I got to get a new life. Okay. Parking tickets.

I guess. So... Maybe somebody pulled too many pranks on a dog, and the dog's looking for revenge. Rise of the canines. That's a good movie. By canines, do you mean the teeth and the human head? Do you see what it's like? I guess so.

Okay, so you have this business. That's right. You're helping people fake their deaths. That's right. How do they find you, first of all? There's signals out there that you've got to know to look for. There's, you've heard of, like, the dark web. I have.

That's the internet that is hard to get on. That's right. You need a password. And it's like a, I don't think it's a WPA. I think it's like a WEP, whatever. It's a really hard one. Things like that. There are certain ads in the classified section. In the classifieds on the dark web?

No, I'm saying in addition to the... Oh, okay. Hey, man, you got to pay attention here. I know you're looking for pun opportunities, but... I'm not. I'm trying to follow your story. My story is very simple. I'm a regular boring guy

covered head to toe and hair I've faked alopecia to get out of a long-term relationship and now I run a business helping people fake their own deaths are you caught up now? I'm caught up, I'm caught up. So you have classified advertisement. Yes, sometimes we'll hire a skywriting plane

to write things in the sky like looking to fake your own and then like they'll draw a skull. That's cheaper I would imagine and then the whole word, death. It is, but the whole enterprise is very expensive, especially because we don't give any further information. What we're counting on is people just looking around

so that we can go, it's like, hey, over here. So people are at the beach. They look up in the sky, they see this. That's right. And you're there in board shorts. That's right. Pointing it yourself.

Not anymore. Now I can wear a speedo, because I'm all hairless. Oh, okay. So do you? Of course I do. I have a beautiful physique, and I love to show it off. It's my one vanity,

now that my hair's all gone. Why do you still keep your hair... Hairless? So that Carlifer can't find me. But she knows what you looked. She saw you... She hasn't seen me with the eyebrows. She might mistake me for the villain of Titanic,

depending on your point of view, Billy Zane. Okay. This makes sense. It does. So people contact you. That's right. They say they're in a tough spot. That's right.

They want to get out of it. Yes. What do you do? I say, we're going to shave your entire body. Then I give them a fake passport and they're on their way. Okay, and they're fine with this plan. Well, they don't know any better. I'm a criminal and they're not.

Right. Who shaves them? Do you do it? Oh, no. I make them shave themselves while I watch. It's a hard thing to do by yourself. Trust me, I know. So you're giving them moral support or you're...

I'm sort of acting as the mirror for the hard-to-get spots. And while the process is happening, I play I'll be a mirror by the Velvet Underground. Now you're doing it. It actually becomes... It actually becomes a very pleasant and soothing experience. Yeah. And afterwards, we have chamomile tea together.

I'm trying to think of the hard-to-reach spots. I can think of the back. Right. And the exit-only butthole. usually we don't go quite that far You're not going to the butthole? I thought you said that... Well, I did because I had to fake alopecia.

So your clients are shaving everything but the butthole? But their anus, yes. It's truly a butthole. Everything but... I'm not arguing. Oh, I see what you're saying. Fun. Hey, you got another one in there.

So... And is something... Is that something you go over? with them, like, hey, we're not going to go that far. Sometimes they ask. Sometimes they request. But my answer is always the same. Let's keep a little piece of you in there.

Something to remember you by. Exactly. Exactly. If you ever want to return to your old life, just you've already started. Casually stroke that and you'll be transported back home. Some magic. Mentally.

I see what you say. Fantastic. So they shave their whole bodies. You get them out of the country. They go to another country? Oh, well, that's up to them. Okay. I just have them shave themselves, and I give them a false passport.

So they're gone. I'm not a babysitter, you understand. Sure, sure. But they're gone. How do you fake the death part? I usually just go up to their loved one or employer or whatever to say, hey, that guy died. Did you say, you see?

See that? Oh, it was crazy. I act like it just happened. Good enough for them. Seems to be I don't stick around to find out. I'm on the lamb. You're on the lamb? Yeah, I'm a criminal. I don't think that we...

Being hunted as we speak. I shouldn't even be here. Did we ever talk about that? What is your crime? I'm running a criminal enterprise. That's my crime. But that's not why I'm being hunted. Yeah, why are you on the lamb?

It seems like if you're getting away with it, I'm not being hunted by the police. I'm being hunted by Carlyfer. She's hunting you. Yes. Because when I left, I took her favorite hoodie. I was cold.

All of a sudden, I didn't have any hair on my body. The first thing by the door, we've always been the same size, something we've prided ourselves on as a couple. She's the same size. But you have an impressive physique. She has the exact same. Yes, she does indeed.

She's an impressive. lady. You're built like a triangle. You just like, wow. Such broad shoulders. So is she, but like a feminine triangle. Like a triangle with like a wave in the middle? Like a boob wave? I think I'd hear what you say, brother. So what kind of hoodie is it? Oh, it's so good. It's like it's really soft and it's sort of a cobalt blue. It's a very flattering color for pretty much anyone. Why don't you just send her the hood?

back. It's a really good hoodie. Yeah. Why don't you buy another one and send her that one back? And maybe she'll think it's the same one. You don't know Carla for like I do. She can spot a counterfeit hoodie a mile away. Yeah, I see.

So that, I mean, I don't know that it's a crime to steal the hoodie from someone you're living with. Is it, is it a crime? If you stop living with them, I think that it is. that it is. It's certainly they're not going to call out the major crimes unit. You know what I'm talking about? Not going to put out an APB on the guy who stole the hoodie, but

once she finds out I'm faking the deaths of people, that's not going to look good for me, is it? And you think she's going to find this out? Interesting. If I know her, yes, you will. She's quite a remarkable woman. What was her profession? Or what is her profession?

She's a bounty hunter. Okay. Seems like someone you don't want to steal a hoodie from. I was cold. I think I was I got it. I got it. Well, that's fantastic. Is it? What a strange thing to say.

Even I wouldn't say my story is fantastic. It's very interesting, is maybe what I should say. I'll agree with that. Okay, it's very interesting, and good luck to you with your business. Thank you. What a generous person you are. You're really non-judgmental. Are you out here trying to drum up some business?

Maybe there's someone out here who wants to fake their death? I just want you people to know if anyone here is tired of the situation you're in now, you need to get out. I got four Gillette, mock five razors, and six cans of barbassol. One fake passport, so this offers really only for one person. Male or female? We'll figure it out. When you're hairless, anything goes.

Everyone, I use the same picture. for every single fake passport. All right, very good. Well, can you stick around? I have literally nowhere else to be. All right, fantastic. Fantastic. New Year's resolutions, right?

How's everyone doing on them? I made one to be less imposing and to not take control of a room with my magnetism so much, you know, to seed control to other people. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I'm doing okay with, But, you know, the one that I'm doing really well with is I made a New Year's resolution to get my finances under control this year. Well, thanks to Monarch, it's actually happening.

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Quit.com slash freedom. Your story is fantastic. In the most literal sense of the word. It certainly is. All right, well, we have to get to our next guest if that's all right. It's perfectly fine with me. And speaking of hair, she has really interesting hair. She has, I believe it's shaved on one side of her head.

She's a young girl. Please welcome Tracy Reardon. Hi, Player. Hi, Player. Hello, Player. Oh, whoa, baby, it's nice to be here. What up, Austin? Pandowing, pandering.

Yeah. Hi, Tracy, it's so good to see you. What a savvy young lady. Yeah. It's great to see you guys. How are you? Are you a couple? Is this your boyfriend?

Why would you assume that? Just because two guys sit on a stage together next to each other, doesn't mean we're a couple. Good enough for me. What do you do? What are you doing in Austin? The last I saw you, you were in Philadelphia. Is that right? Yeah, I was. Well, I'm here on a mission, actually.

I have a big thing going on in my life. Really? Oh, it's really crazy. Wow. It's really crazy. Hold on a second. You say you're in a bowl of hot water young lady? I'm like a chicken noodle soup from Panette.

Oh, baby. Oh, I need a help in hand. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of help do you need? Well, it's a big deal. Can you guys keep a secret? Of course.

Can you guys? It's part of my business. And anyone listening to this on Hal FM, of course. Yeah. If you're streaming this, please, promise to keep the secret. Yes. And if you can't keep a secret, just press the stop button. Yes.

It's that easy. Can we take one second for everyone who's listening to this on their phone to just stop, look at their phone, and say, I will keep your secret? Please, please, please, I need that. It's really bad. Do you need verbal assurance from all of these people here? Yes, one by one. One by one. Yes.

If we can help, baby. Let's start here in the front row, you, sir? I imagined it for the rest. Thank you. Very handy. That was really good. Okay, well, it's a really big deal. Okay.

I think I'm pregnant. What? What? Oh, my gosh. Well, Tracy. You're 17? Yeah. I can't be a teen mom unless I get on that TV show.

Okay. It's an hour long. I couldn't even watch it. Why is that? Because my butt piercings hurt too bad. Oh, I see. I can only watch things that are 30 minutes or less. If you have a baby, is it going to try to have to work around those piercings to get out?

My badge isn't pierced. But thanks for thinking of it. Horny! Man, he's so horny? Ooh. Not horny. Yeah, okay. Why is that stool so hard?

It's made of matter? There you go. Fair question. My, it's made of matter? Tracy, let me, by the way, I'm Al Peterson, the smooth criminal. Oh, nice to meet you. Let me ask you a question. You look like Dr. Evil.

What's that? You look like Dr. Evil. Because of my totally hairless skull and face. I get that a lot. One million dollars. That's what it costs to fake your own death. It does, really? I didn't ask you what you charge.

It's a million dollars? I charge a million dollars. I work with people, though. Do you look at their pay stubs, see what they can pay? Yeah, people are required to bring all their pay stubs. What's the lowest you've ever allowed someone to do it for? $100. What's the highest?

Oh, I think $200? Okay. Trace, let me ask you a question. Yeah. And I hope you won't take this as a rude question. I don't know you, but given your situation, I think it's a fair question. Do you know who the father is? Well, that's kind of what I'm trying to figure out.

I was with a couple guys at the same time. Whoa. I got Willie Lucky. I felt so happy at the time, but now, what a pain. Yeah. What are your symptoms? Why do you think you're pregnant? Well, I haven't pooped in a year.

In a year. And that's bad. Let me ask you this. Yeah. Six months in, were you concerned about, about anything at all? I just really wasn't thinking about it. I was just going about my life, you know?

Like, typically, it's not really something I worry about. So it just didn't really cost my mind. I mean, it's one of those things. If it doesn't happen, you don't exactly miss it, am I right? It's not like you're sitting there all day going, God, I really want to poop, but I can't poop yet. Yeah. Do you think you're just eating what you need to sustain yourself,

and that's why you have no waste? So your body is just absorbing it. Like, I eat a sandwich and then I won So I don't have to poo Is that how it works? Whatever, whatever Is not over what you need to sustain yourself? That's what poop is.

Oh, thanks, Dr. Sliance. That's why babies sometimes don't poop Because they're eating exactly what they need. Pretty cool. Sounds like it makes sense. Maybe you're just like portioning out your food Just so exactly. Or you're starving, I don't know.

No, I've been eating really good. Like, I've been having gum sandwiches. What's a gum sandwich? It's when you break a cup in half and put gum in it, and then eat the cup and the gum. A cup? Like a container? Like a paper cup from Baskin'Wobbins. Is it a waxed cup or just paper?

He does wax on it, but that's good for your teeth. Yeah, you got that just a filmy haze over your teeth right now, noticing. Yeah, you can see that's nice, nice clear. Yeah. Yeah. So what are your other symptoms? Well, I got bug bites all over my butt. And you think that's as a result of the pregnancy, or do you live...

What do you think, man? I've seen TV. I haven't pooped any year, and I got bug bites on my butt. I probably have triplets inside. What are we supposed to do? Can I ask, has your monthly friends come to visit you? Be more specific? Your Aunt Flo? Don't know her Gonna need more specifics

I think he's referring to your men'sies Oh my bloody stump Stump Do you think your vagina Had something coming out of it that was cut off What do you call it a stump My vagina is like a normal one I wish I didn't have to keep telling you about it tonight

You're the one who brought up You were so desperate to hear about my puss. You're freak, man. It does come off a little sweaty. Desperate, desperate. Anyways, no, my vagina is normal shape, but when I get my pewyed, it comes out like a lump.

So I call it my bloody stump. You're not women, you don't understand. It's true. Sorry. It's a miraculous process. Sometimes I'm a little envious. Yeah, well, anyways, that's been happening more than normal. You've been bleeding out of your vagina

Double time, baby. So two weeks a month or? Yeah, two weeks a month. Or is the process just happening faster? It's two weeks a month and it's so fast. The best drummer in the world couldn't keep time with it. And I'm talking about Wingo Star. So it's just coming out.

Just stop asking about it. I'm so embarrassed. Okay, I do. I hate talking about my period with men. I always want to know about it. Have you been to see a doctor? Yeah, I saw a doctor. Okay. I walked by him.

I said, what up? I think what Scott Men was, have you literally made an appointment to consult with the doctor about your issues? No, because I feel like then I only have to face the music, you know? Right, right. I kind of just want to see this out

and see what happens at the end of the two-year process. See, it's a little shorter than that. Oh, well. Tracy, where did you learn about pregnancy? I learned about it in a book

that I found that was written in Farsi. Oh, and you read Farsi? No, but the pictures were very obvious. What was depicted in these pictures? There was a picture of a woman in bed like, ooh!

And then she was like, ooh. Sensually hitting her butt? And then a husband was like, stinky. Is this a, this was a children's book, or? I think it was an educational tool. You do a few of me, what am I supposed to do? I mean, Willie, I can't. I would have an abortion.

It's too late. It's too late. I love him so much. You think it's a boy? Yeah, it's definitely a boy. Why would you, why would you come to Texas if you wanted an abortion? There's got to be an easier way. You know me.

I like to challenge myself. Yeah. If you can't be the best, why even do it? That's what I always say, right now. So who are these two gentlemen that you were with? Okay, well, they're both really famous. Whoa. Have you ever seen the show Dinosaurs? With the aforementioned catchphrase, not the mama?

Yeah. I missed that show. Coincidentally, but the older brother, who has spiky hair, he was bang, bang into my heart. number one. We boinked. Wait, the actor who played it? Yes, he's

green with spiky hair. Wearing a letterman's jacket? Letterman's jacket. That's how you know he's cool. He's so popular. He could just tell by his jacket. Everyone loves him. And who was the other scoundrel? And the other guy is also very famous. I'm going to give you sweet clues, and you have to guess who it is.

Oh, this is fun. Okay. Do we each get three clues? Together, you get together. after I give the three clues. Okay. That seems fair. Okay. He's very small. Very small. Can we confer before we continue? Okay, Al. You don't want to hear the other two clues first?

Do we get extra points if we can get it before you do two clues? There is no prize at all. I think you got too wrapped up in the game aspect. Yeah, maybe. I would say go ahead with the other two clues then. He's bald on the head. And he looks like someone I said you look like. Hmm, all right. Okay.

Hold on just one second. Let's go over here. Okay, here we go. All right, let's see. This is a tough one. This is tough. Okay. So...

Bald in the head. Bald on the head. On the head. I don't know if the word choice was significant or not. Right. But she definitely said bald on the head. Not bald in the head. Okay, okay.

Bald on the head. What was the first... What was the first... What was the first clue? He's very small. Very small. Do you need a fourth clue? No, hold on, is it?

Give us a chance. Okay. Very small. Very small. Balled on the head. She said earlier that I looked like him. Shaquille O'Neal? We couldn't even remember the first clue.

I mean, maybe she did say it looked like Shaquille O'Neal. I don't recall. Yeah. Let's guess Shaquille O'Neal. Okay. Tracy, I think we have a guess. Is it Shaquille O'Neal? Oh, you could hear us over there?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is it Shaquille O'Neal? Yeah, no, that's wrong. I guess give us that fourth clue. He has the same initials as Vermont. Okay. Now, here's the thing.

Vermont is a state. Right. And so its initial is V. It doesn't have a last name. So, I'm going to say, I'm going to say it's that V for Vendetta guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you mean the actor Hugo Weaving or do you mean the guy Fox? I mean the mask, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Is it a guy fox mask? No, it's not. Is there a fifth clue?

Yes. He wears a gray suit. Okay. In a movie. Oh, is that a bonus clue? Yeah. All right. Where's a gray suit in a movie,

probably a black and white movie, so this person is dead. Let's say... It was probably the farm parts of Wizard of Oz. Yes. Probably the guy who played Uncle Henry. Yes, Uncle Henry. Gotta be.

May I guess? Yes, go ahead. Is it the long dead actor who portrayed the role of Uncle Henry in the black and white parts of the Wizard of Oz? No, it's not. But I'm not 100% sure he's alive. You're not sure that the person you dated is alive?

Anymore. One of the potential fathers of your child. Yeah, I think he is, but right now I'm doubting it. Oh. Is it making you feel bad, kind of? Yeah, a little bit. I bet he's probably. Probably still alive.

Okay. Well, I'm stumped. I'm also stumped. I'm like her vagina. Nice. Nice. Oh, engineer Ryan. Nice.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood facts, and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody does your facts and know your stars. There's lits and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of the Chinese field.

Hollywood Facts Take out your dick Check out the facts It's the Hollywood Facts, bro I'm stressing Wow So I guess we Probably related to pregnancy

You just know every song Pregnancy brain they call it I got the pregnancy brain I'm really smart I know every song Tracy I guess we give up Who is this mysterious person Here does this help you

Imagine my pinky is very small Is your face very small as well Or? Smaller than mine Was it Colonel Tom Thumb, the famous circus freak? He did have very small pinkies. Yeah. Is it the penguin himself? Danny DeVito.

Yeah. Oh! Wow. So he was stepping out on Rio Pearlvin. Yeah, and he was in his penguin costume, and he bit me. On the butt? He's so hot in that penguin costume. Oh, yeah.

I never seen the movie, but that's attractive to me. I liked when he had that black stuff coming out of the butt. of his mouth. Yeah, me too. Yeah. What was that? It was like penguin juice. I thought it was PJ.

Little PJ. Penguin PJ? It's all black, baby. Well, now, do you feel that the penguin bite was what caused your pregnancy? It could be it. I don't know.

I mean, it's either that or the delicious sex I had with both guys. Now, was Danny DeVito as the penguin, and who was the other guy? I forgot. The dinosaur from the dinosaur. dinosaurs.

From dinosaurs. Right. So you have a type. Yeah. Animals. Animals and you, Mr. Alckerman. Boy, are you wing? Do you still have that pillow?

Yeah. For those who aren't familiar, I drew Scott's visage on a pillow when I hump it every night. But I haven't been humping so much because my tummy's so big. Oof. Your tummy doesn't look different at all to me.

Really? Yeah. Well, it feels bigger. Do you feel? as if there's life moving inside you? Yeah. You know how like when you have to poop really bad? And your stomach's like,

Blah, la, la, la. Feels like that, like, most of the time. Yeah. But now you say you haven't defecated in a year. No. Can I ask a question? Yes. You don't remember doing it,

but when you wake up in the morning, is there anything in bed with you? What? Is there any sort of like strange remnant from your sleeping in bed with. On my Lisa mattress? Well, I mean, that's a weird way to bring it up.

But thanks to our tour sponsors, Lisa Mattress, if you're going to poop in bed anywhere, poop on a Lisa mattress. Hey, you know what? It's your mattress. Do whatever you like with it. Once you buy it, it comes in a box of size of a mini fridge. You can do whatever the fuck you want with it.

You can take a shit in that box. Take a shit in that box. That's a good prank on the cat. One time I did a dick in the box, purity, but I did shit in the box, and I walked around showing all my neighbors. Did they think you were mentally insane? Yeah, they locked me up. You were putting in an asylum.

Yeah. How long were you locked away? I don't know. It felt like a day could have been a year. I hear you, sister. With them white walls. Lose track of time that way. Yeah, you do when you're alone. That's an incredible revelation akin to the one that we found out the other day about you not having opposable thumbs. Oh yeah, I forgot.

Are these shows canon? I can't tell. I would just say. Well, wow, that's, I mean, I just think that you may be, you know, have you tried going to the bathroom? Have you actually gone into the toilet and sat on one? Well, yeah, I sat on the toilet. I was trying to give both. You don't want a toilet, baby. My pants are around. I don't have anyone helping me. I need to make this happen on my own. Do you have any kind of legal guardian whatsoever?

My grandma. There you go. Why don't you get her to help you? She's dead. But she's still your legal guardian. Yeah, well, I keep around to sign the social security checks. Smart. Smart. Very smart.

Now, she didn't fake her on death, like... I don't think so. She still has all her hair. There we go. Natural causes. In fact, it's growing really long. It's taking over her bedroom like Ivy. Really? Sort of like that school in Cambridge that you went to.

Please. I just went to college like a lot of people do. Let's make a big fuss out of it. Did you go to Harvard? Oh, well, there it is. There is. Oh, I see. Yes, as a matter of fact, I could go to Harvard University.

Wow, you're smart. Well, I'm okay. You work really hard. Thank you. I'd like to think that I do. I just wanted to compliment you. Thank you. You're a delightful young lady. Thank you so much.

Well, Al, do you have any advice for her? I mean, I know that your primary thing that you like to give advice about is shaving. Sure. Look, I would say, looking at your hairstyle, you're halfway to creating a new life for yourself. So what should I do?

Just have my babies and leave? Let me say this. And I understand, I'm not a doctor of any kind. I think you might not be pregnant. It sounds like you just need to have a bowel movement. Also, I don't think you can get pregnant from Danny DeVito as the penguin biting you. And I don't think this guy from dinosaurs exists.

Yeah, so... You don't believe in dinosaurs? I believe in them. Are you a Christian? I believe cavemen and dinosaurs were side by side. That's right. In the Garden of Eden. Yeah, sure.

That's right. You don't think I'm pregnant? I don't think you are, honey. Aw. I just think you need to take a really... You seem to be disappointed. Yeah, wait. I got really into the idea, you know?

It was really scary at first, but then... I don't know, it kind of grew on me. Like, I thought maybe they could be my friend. Oh. Yeah, it's really sad. Well, listen, honey, you're a young girl. You have your whole life ahead of you. It's possible that you could grow up to be a mother

and have as many children as you like to have. You think so? When's your 18th birthday? Never. That might be a hitch in the problem. A hitch in the problem. Yep. Hey. I said it, and I stand by it.

Sure. I mean, maybe if you just took a trip to the restroom after the show here. Okay, I'll do that, and I'll put back on what happened. When? You want everyone to stay here? No, I'll call you. You'll call me. And you can tell them next time.

Okay, I'll tell you. Yeah. I would love to hear what happened. I'll keep you a breast. Stop winking at me. I bet you'd like that. I'm not into you, Tracy. What, you're right? Why you always texted me? Is this true, Scott?

Do you text, Tray? You always text to me like those pager codes. Three, Tracy, one for three. I'm like, okay. I googled it. I get it. You love me. I want you to be on the show.

Oh, yeah. And I'm texting you the address of the theater. The pager codes. I get it. I looked it up. Okay. Well, look, Tracy, do you think you can hold out long enough to be here when we get to our next guest? Yeah, I think so.

Is your stomach hurting you right now? Yeah, maybe it's contractions. Have you ever tried to, you know, fart or anything like that? Ew, no. Very personal question. Have you tried to fart? Sick weirdo. Tell us, have you?

Yes, I tried and I succeeded. You tried to fart? Yeah. You're gross. What did you do? Put your little butt in here? You little nasty. Why are you so into me if you think I'm so nasty?

I like a nasty boy. You do? All right, all right. All right. Group has someone who assists on doing things the hard way. I hope that's not me. That friend who's still paying for a subscription they forgot they had. Could be me.

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Over 50% gigabytes may slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed, and coverage varies. Additional items apply. See mintmobile.com. Hello, I'm James Corden, and on my new show, This Life of Mine, I sit down each week with some of the most fascinating people, on planet Earth. From Dr. Dre to Julianne Moore, to David Beckham, to Cynthia O'Revo, to Martin Scorsese, to Jeremy Renner, to Denzel Washington, to Kim Kardashian. We talk about the people,

places, possessions, music and memories that made them who they are. These are intimate conversations, full of stories that you've never heard before. This Life of Mine premieres October 21st, wherever you get your podcasts. Well, look, we have to get to our next guest. Is that all right? Can you guys stick around? Yeah, cool. Sure. Yeah. Yes.

Okay. Fantastic. Did you need to put it in writing? Do we have a notary public here? I was just looking up our next guest name. It's someone else whom I've never met before. And interestingly enough, we could have segued off of our last topic of conversation to his name, but he is a sound effects artist.

Please welcome Archie Butts. Oh, cool. Hello. Hello. Pleasure to meet you. Nice to meet you. I did it bad. Hello.

Please have a seat. How are you going, Scott? How are you? I'm good, Archie Butts. It's so nice to meet you. Archie Butts. Great guy. What were you going to say?

I was going to say, Sound effects master. Someone just gulfed into the door and a cat came in. Oh, no, no, no, that was Archie. He was doing that with his. mouth. What? I get that all the time. I'm a sound effects master, and I can do any sound effect you need for anything. I would, that's somewhat the reason I'm here. I would love to do sound effects

on your show. You would love to do some sound effects at my show. On your show, you could pay me, I could be on your staff. Oh, meaning the TV show. I thought you meant this show right here. Anything you want to do, any type of job I could get would be very welcome. It's always welcome to get money. Okay. Well, what is your background? Have you worked in? this field long? Well, not too long. I'm from Nashua, New Hampshire. Nassau, what'd you say?

Nassua? New Hampshire. Sorry, I have that New England accent. Not sure about that. Yeah, no, it's, I get, I get shit for it all the time. I'm from Nashua, and I, you know, I made a little bit of money inventing a bumper sticker. You may have seen it. It says, my other car is a golf cut.

I have seen that. You invented that? I came up with that phrase. Do you get paid from it, or? I wish I had copyrighted it. I wish upon wishes. But you did make some money from it, you said. I made some money selling it out of the back of my car.

You understand? You had a bumper sticker on the back of your car and you were trying to sell that one? Right. Right underneath that, it said, ask the driver for more. I had more in the trunk. I see. I'd have to do when it would open up. Should really oil that thing.

Oh, Scott, the trunk of your car just opened. Oh, no. No, no, rest of short, Tracy, it's just me. What? Doing sound effects. Live. That's funny of your face. That's crazy.

Of all your faces. I want to take a look up at the balcony. They're right up there. Yeah. A rowdy bunch. That wasn't me. That was the actual balcony. But I could do it.

Here, let me just do what you guys did. Hey, quiet town up there, guys. We're trying to do the show. Again, that was me. That's crazy. It's crazy, yeah. Crazy and amazing. Crazy and amazing.

Sure. Crazins. So I quit. You know, I made a little bit of money on my rubbish tickets. Very little bit of money. A little bit, yeah. But it got me enough to get down to New York City where I would stand on the street

and impersonate Elvis. Okay. Down in Times Square. So I would, you know, put on the white outfit and go, you know, and people would just give me money for stuff like that. What did you do? What would you do?

What would you do? Don't step up in the sweet shoes. Did Elvis just walk into this building? I've heard of Elvis leaving the building, but walking into a building? You haven't heard of that? I've never heard of that. I've never heard of that.

presumably he must have walked into the building if he's exiting at some point. That's true. Unless he teleports into each building. Do you think Elvis was a teleportational Superbeam? Yeah. I'm in a weddit thread about it.

Was there anything about the new Ghostbusters on that thread? Yeah. Down with women. That's what I always say. You do? Yeah, I always scream that when I wake up. Put down with women into Reddit and see what search results come up. Everything?

Might be there a long time. I would have loved it on sound effects for that movie. You know, those lasers come out. That's one of the lasers? Well, I'm working on something new with my sound effects, which is, you know, subliminally add a little bit of, you know, a dialogue in it. So the audience kind of goes, oh, somebody's got to get out of the way of that. So they can put themselves into that situation.

A little bit. It drives in a little bit. Yeah. Like if you saw, you know, a bird video. What? If you had a bird video and you wanted me to do the sound effects for it, I would do something like this. I'm hungry for a...

So the audience subliminally would say, hey, that bird, I'm sure he's hungry with something. Now, I keep a playlist of bird videos on YouTube because I can't figure out their motives. Right. Right. So I study it. Like, what does birds want?

What do you do? You click away because there's nothing fun going on. You don't have no idea what's happening on them. I get frustrated. Right. So I click away. Yeah, you click the away button that's very small at the bottom, but you scroll down. They don't want you to click that, usually.

No. But it takes you to just a random website. Just any website in the world? Just surprise me. Right. Surprise me. How often does it come up porn, I wonder? Well, for me, one.

Once. Once? Right. And I had a little fun with, I did a porno soundtrack to it. Just be around the house. Let's hear a little bit of that. Yeah.

It was, uh, it was a woman and a pig. I know, it was that random. Hey, get off of me. So it's non-consensual with the woman and pig. Which one wanted to get off the other? The pig, the pig didn't want the woman on top of it. That makes sense. That makes sense.

Yeah, why? An unwilling participant. Right. Pigs love women, please. They're the dolphins of the land. Dolphins love women? Dolphins love to have sex with human beings. This is well documented.

Very intelligent creatures. Maybe too intelligent. They're hairless too. It's no mistake. So you, you, uh, you know, I've been noticing that you, you have been doing all these sound effects with your mouth. normally in modern movies and videos.

And videos you say? And videos, yes. Modern movies, videos. Okay, sure. We'll include videos. Okay, go ahead. Okay, sure. Television shows as well.

Really, any sort of form of content. Sure. They use a thing called Foley artists. They use actual, you know, bags of sand and planks of wood and shoes. A nice wet shammie. Sure. They always keep a wet,

shammy around. Not a dry shammie. You think it would be, they would keep a dry shammie because it's easier to wet a shammie than it is to unwet one. True, but a dry shammy is useless for sound effects. It just makes no noise. A wet shammie makes a squeak noise.

It's for mice. For microphones? Mice. Mice. Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm having a little trouble understanding you. I know, it's this microphone.

But no, I understand what you're saying. There's usually a kit or a computer. Some people use computers. to keep it all in order. I had that. I had a kid. I had a suitcase with a couple of coconuts in it and a feather and a brick.

What sound effect would use all three of those things? You would never use all three of them. Really? No, that would be very dangerous. What's the danger, if I may? An ear explosion. An ear explosion. Right.

The outer ear. The outer ear. Right. The... The part of people see. Right. So nothing going wrong in the inside of the inner ear. The drum, the stir-off, anvil, ham, everything's intact.

A-OK. Yeah. But the outer part... Sorry, I don't mean to horn in on your axe. That was okay. Hey, that ear exploded. Yes. So now I'm seeing an ear explode and saying,

that's an ear exploding. Yeah. With its subliminal message you gave me. Yep. So the outer ear, so the ear wouldn't be able to collect sound. That's how an ear works. It catches it. That's what the lobe is for?

The lobe is for what? Now, you know, Tracy over here has a lot of experience with ears. Well, yeah, one of my ears doesn't have any cartilage. So I just did piercings to make it look like it. So would that really hurt me if I was in that situation or because I already have... I love to, when people are telling stories, I love to add sound effects to them. A lot of people like it. I like it.

You're one of the people. What was that sound? That was the ear piercing gun. Beow, beo, beo, beo. Oh. Tracy here works at Claire, so she would know. Yeah, it actually sounds like this. Got it.

Hey, I'm getting my ears pierced. Look, we did that together. That was me commenting on a map photo. I'm going to buy earrings next. Am I doing it? Yes, you're doing it. Excuse me, miss. Do you have a bathroom here?

Yes, we do, but you need to buy something. Okay, what's the cheapest thing you sell? Everything. Take that, Clare's. Not a sponsor. Yeah, that's not fair. That's not fair. We've got a little racket here.

If you want to sponsor us, then we won't talk shit about your business. All other brands, you're going on the warpath with them. So do you have a new project coming up, or you say you're looking for work? Right now, no, I'm just driving from city to city going to radio stations or stadiums to see if they need any... Stadiums. Yeah, you know, because I'll also go to, you know, a football stadium and say, hey, do you need somebody to jump on the mic? go, microphone and say, bam, bam, bam, bam,

be a bit, Biddy! How often does that pay off? How often? As a both of them. Because they don't, they say, no, we can do have a computer do it. Yeah.

No, I think people want to hear a human being cheer to them. They want the warmth of the human voice imitating of trumpet. It's like listening to vinyl. Exactly, exactly. Right. It's like we want to hear.

hear those clicks and pops and kisses. Yeah. Is someone playing a vinyl record? We're trying to do a showup. Yeah, Willie, it's so rude. It's very rude. It's me again. How rude.

That sounds good to me. Have mercy. Jesse and the whippers. Maybe you could audition for us here. What does that say? Well, you know, it would be great if a scene happened in front of me. If a scene was happening in front of me, I could do the sound effects. Oh, okay.

Maybe we could do a scene for you. To a scene, sure. Let me step away here. I need to get in a good spot. Should we talk? No, he should do all of the talking. I'll do everything. I'll do everything.

All right, I guess, do we need a location? What do we do? Yeah, he need a location. How about a stage? In a nice, nice theater. That could work. In Austin, Texas. Yeah.

Yes. Okay. The time, present day. Yeah. And you three are actish. All right. Well, that's going to be hard. Okay.

Being generous. Can I use my own name because I'll have a hard time remembering otherwise? That should be fine. Thank you. That should be fine. Well, we're not going to talk, right?

You're going to do all this stuff? That's right. But if you want to talk a little bit, that's fine. Okay, well... If we're talking too much, you'll let us know. Yeah, yeah, I'll say, I'm turning on a radio and then nobody can hear. What was that again?

I'm turning on a radio. I'm turning on the radio. Right. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. What exactly happened in that scene? Yeah, I had a hard time keeping track, and I was in it. What was happening was... Who was I? Two people walked into a room where eggs were being cooked. And they were wearing tap shoes.

You probably heard that. They had just come from taps practice. And then there was a punch. A punch. Punch. Oh, punch. And then two people shook hands and the rings clanked together. And a tooth flew away

A tooth flew away Right That was And I'm sure everyone here Saw it and heard it But didn't know they were Seeing it Like that a tooth

By its own accord Like it just wanted to leave No it was from the punts Oh She was knocked out of a human head Right Mm-hmm Mm-hmm

Yep so If anyone is in the audience Who works at the radio station I can come down And do that every day for you need it That same exact scene? Depending on the radio station.

Wait, it depends on the radio station if you're going to do that same scene. I don't know if there's a radio station who wants to play something like that. Or I could just do morning zoo type stuff. Oh, really? Not a traffic's terror out here. Hurry, get out of my way.

Shut up. That actually seems 1,000% more likely on the morning zoo station than that other scene where the eggs and the punch happened. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking with that egg in the... That wouldn't be on the... radio at all. I never would have known it. It seemed like you had perfect command of what was going on.

On the morning zoo, do they play traffic sounds for people driving to work? That's right. Well, when they're doing the traffic report. Oh. But only then. They like to make fun of the regular boring reporters. That's right. Who aren't part of the zoo crew. Yes. The zoo crew. If you're in with the zoo crew, you're going to have a hangover the next morning. Because they're potty animals. The reviews are in. I need another drink, and I'm a drunk. Sorry, I didn't, maybe you have a problem.

I don't know. That was a good disclaimer just in case. I shouldn't make fun of stuff like that. It's getting late. I'm sure, you know, people's sitters charge more after 10 p.m. Yeah, so. Yeah, he's getting late. Have you made any money at all as a...

Doing this? Yeah. The show? You're not going to make any money doing this show. Oh. Please. Was that the sound effect of a person begging? Yeah, that's...

You know, when you see someone down in their hands and knees, the got they're hands together like they're praying? Yeah. Please give me some money. Is that the sound of like Roger Rabbit after he cured his stutter? Yeah, yes. Good for him.

Yeah, he took a lot of speech therapy. He saw a specialist, yeah. He did all right. And how did he get into that office? Yeah, me. So you haven't made. any money doing this as a profession? Not yet.

Not yet. And have you made any money in any other profession? A little bit in that bumba sticker. Just very little bit, enough to get you down to New York City. That's right. Doing a terrible Elvis Presley impression. Well, doing an Elvis Presley impression. Okay.

Yeah, maybe that was me who said it was terrible. Yeah. Yeah. So you, and are the bills piling up and... Oh, yeah, they're the... A lot of debt, I can imagine. Oh yeah. Opening my wallet, it sounds a little bit like this.

Sound effects on the masters will go, and that one go, but I want everyone to know that a fly is coming out of my wallet. If I didn't know better, I could have assumed a B was coming out of your wallet. Right, right. Or an electric wire. It's happened before. And it will happen again. It will happen again.

So your life is pretty bad. It seems like. I seem to be pretty happy. You do? You seem to be? I seem to be. Don't you know? I know.

I know the answer. Are you? I don't want to admit to anything. I want to seem like a happy-go-lucky guy who's easy to work with. So what you mean is you're not happy. Yeah, well, you know, right now in front of all these people, I'm feeling great. Archie, let's say, sorry, Scott, let's say no one here is going to hire you

because that's the most likely scenario. There's a 99.9% chance of that. In this scenario, are they still... Maybe those two people that left. Maybe they were in a hurry to go call your service. But that's unlikely. I don't know, my phone is not buzzing. But you say you seem to be happy,

but you're hinting it maybe at darkness underneath. Maybe you'd like to talk about that now, since you're not going to contaminate any job prospects here. Yeah, okay There's still, you know, personally I liked people like me. Of course. Sure.

What was your childhood like? Can you tell us a story about, you know? I lived in a basement. That entered from the outside of the home. Not my family's home. We snuck into a stranger's home and lived in their basement. What did that sound like?

Well, of course, we'd have to open the outside doors. Walk down the stairs. Tuck your head. Tuck your head is what people are saying? No one said it. The sound effects said it. Oh, right. Then we'd have to light the lamps.

I get you off. Can I ask, did anyone ever find you and did anyone ever take advantage of you down there? Who found us one time a cop found us and threw us all in jail? What did that sound like? You're coming with me!

No, don't separate me from my twin brothers. Brothers? So you have brothers that are twins, but you're not a twin with them. No. You're not their triplet. Right. I see. I get it.

What taking it anyway? So get in the back of this car. Fobby? Yeah. Were you arrested by the Jetsons? Cop, I will admit this, to any prospect of employees. I don't. do police sirens well.

Let's just get that out in the open. So that one, we're going to have to download an app that plays those. You don't even try? I just did. So the one sound effect that literally anyone can do, you cannot do. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

Yep, that's better than loud. That's the sound of the police. So when you were in jail, did anything terrible happen? you? Yeah. You just stowed off and your eyes watered up. Yeah.

Something did bad happen, did happen to me in there. Something did bad happen. Something did bad happen to you in there? Yeah, when I think about it, the words get all scrambled up in my brain. Bad, something happened to me. What happened to you? We're going to shim that little boy. Yeah, we're going to shim.

Right inside. Now I'm bleeding so bad. That's blood all over. Yeah. But I don't want to... But the blood's dripping out. Blip, bleep. Leaving a stain.

You're staining the jail floor? Yeah. Oh, no. Well, this is terrible. I mean, it sounds like you've had a terrible life, and there's not much future for you in this business. But what if I told you that there may be a way out of this? I would listen to that.

How would you feel about shaving your entire body? All right, well, you know, I'd need three or four mock raises, at least. How many cans of barbersol are you thinking about? That's up to the person setting it up. Let me ask you this, Archie. Yeah. Are you a fan of the music at the Velvet Underground? Yes, I am.

This looks like the beginning of a beautiful but very brief friendship. All right, that's our show. Mike Anford, Lep Tompkins, Warren Lapto Austin. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad-free episodes

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