Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Boston, 2016

Episode Date: January 1, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from Boston, featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Alan Thicke and Lauren Lapkus as Frank Dorito, the world-record holder for most wishes granted. Recored May 7, 2016 at The Wilbur Theatre.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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aisle, plus zero added sugar. This helps you get the fuel you need to power through your day. Ration does the math, so you don't have to. Head to ratiofood.com to find a retailer near you. Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right? Yeah, and look at us now. Like, we're all grown up. We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye, but for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you. From Lemonada Media, alive with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube. Freedom Hey, Freedom! And you may be able to freedom, and you may be wondering, wait a minute, on our last episode, which was Christmas Day, of course. by the way, happy new year, happy 2026. Hope your 2026 is going great so far.

You may be wondering, what is this? On the last episode, Dem Threatom Boys said they were taking a break for a couple of months. Well, we are. That said, we did want to tide you over with some content. This is old content, but it may be new to you. As you may or may not know, if you're a regular Threaton listener, The show started because Paul and Lauren and I became good friends on the 2016 Comedy Bang Bang Tour, where it started in the summer here in the States, and then we went to Canada, we went to Australia, we went to England, although Lauren didn't go to England, she got sick, but it was Paul and Lauren and I for all of it, other than England. And then occasionally there would be someone in one of the cities and they would pop in for the show.

So we did this for the summer and then the last part of the year, I believe. And that's where we all grew really tight. And so we thought, hey, you know, while you're waiting for new episodes, what if we put out some of those old episodes from the tour that made us such good friends? and you can hear it happening live right there in your ear holes. You can hear our friendship coalescing and forming the bonds that would create this show freedom. So that is what we're going to do. So over the next few weeks, until we come back with new episodes, we're going to be putting

out some of these episodes for you to listen to. And this one that we're starting with is one of the rare episodes that is just the three of us. For most of the tour, we had at least one special guest in the body of the show, which we'll get to, I'm sure. But this is one of the only episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that has just the three of us on it. And this is called Live in Boston Part 1. Now, this is from May 7, 2016. And in this episode, first of all, if you've never heard Comedy Bang Bang, you're just a freedom listener.

This may be a little jarring to you because on freedom, we are just ourselves and we are not in character, but on Comedy Bang Bang, Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkis play different characters every episode.

And so they're playing different people, fake people, and so you'll hear them do this on this episode and all the further episodes that we do. On this one, Paul is playing Alan Thick, who was a, He's no longer with us, but he started on the television show Growing Pains,

and he also wrote theme songs for some of your favorite sitcoms. And Lauren Lapkis is playing Frank Dorito. Frank Dorito is, I believe, someone who holds the world record for most wishes granted by a genie, I think. This is a very fun episode. This is from Boston. This is the first of two shows that we did in Boston that night. and it's very, very fun, and I hope that you enjoy it. And we're going to be back, I believe, sometime in March with new episodes.

But until then, enjoy this episode of Comedy Bang Bang. We love you, Freedom fans. Comey-bye, Comey-bye. Comey-bye. Comey-bye. Comey-bye. Comey-bye.

Bye-bye. It's happening again. Hey, Boston! A little tables down front. front. That's so cute. That's adorable. Little tables down front.

Oh, holy shit. Hold on. I got to do this. Nine out of ten doctors agree that 10th doctor is an asshole, but damn if he isn't good with his hands. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thanks to Plumbus Maker. Hi, boss. What a beautiful theater. The Wilber Theater here in Boston, named after, of course, the pig who was about to be slaughtered in Charlotte's Webb.

There's pictures of him all backstage. Just to remind you, and there's a farmer right above him with a... What is the tool, a slaughtering iron? I want to say a slaughtering iron. Are there any farmers in the audience here in Boston? Really? Yes?

I don't believe you for a second. This is a beautiful... I've never been here before. I'm trying to get a lay of the room here. Yeah? A lot of people in it, it looks like. That's par for the course for a show. Is there a balcony up there?

Oh, nice! I can barely say, oh, thank you for waving your lit-up phone at me. I do appreciate that. It's like it's a real concert. We had a very tight travel day here, but it's so good to be here in Boston. This is one of the best comedy crowds in the world. Continental U.S.

And we have a really good-looking group of people. It is a good-looking group. Look at you guys. So many symmetrical faces. You're kind of a sour-puss right there. But everyone else... I'm sorry, I don't mean to point you out. You're still frowning, though.

Why are you pointing at him? Like, he's the one that's frowning? Oh, did he bring you as a little? Is that, no, oh, he brought you. Now you're pointing at each other. I don't know what to make of you to. This is a beautiful theater last year, or the last tour that we were here a couple of years ago.

We were across the street at the smaller place, and this year we've sold out two shows, not two nights, but two. Oh, fuck, am I having a stroke? Oh, God. I almost tripped and broke my foot again on the way out here. But yeah, a tough travel day.

Didn't have time to catch any lobsters while I was here. And what else is Boston known for? Sox? I'm sorry? What? No, no, red, red. Do they win the, like, a thing?

A trophy? Recently. I'm just actively wanting you to hate me right now. How many sports fans are there? I am interested in this. Where do we... By, yes, by raising your hand. Thank you.

One, two... Thank you. Three... Oh, no. Kind of took it down a little quick. Three fans of sporting events. For this show, that sounds about right. We have a great, great group of people

that were traveling worth. Oh, boy. First of all, how about Neil Campbell? Let's give him a round of applause. And, you know, we have some great people that happen to be in town here, and let's get to one of them. Are you guys ready to start the show? Our first guest is a, well, he's a jack-of-all-trades, songwriter? Someone said, oh, no.

And not as optimistically as I did. Well, maybe this will get you. Actor? Oh, yes, he says. Okay. And most importantly, probably to him, a father of a famous person. Please welcome Alan Thig. Hello, Scott, hello there.

Hello, Boston. What a pleasure. What a pleasure to be here. Jesus, what's going on with this? How are we doing? We're doing okay. Oh, what a pleasure to see all of you. This is wonderful, Scott.

Thank you for having me on your program. But of course, you're here in Bean Town. That's right. A famous thing that Boston is known for, beans. Do they grow them or they eat them? Both. First one, then the other. Probably the grow, then eat.

You've cracked it. Look at the lovely chandeliers in this building. It's beautiful. It puts me in mind of a rich person's home. Like the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Yes, hosted by... the wonderful Robin Leach. He wished it...

He wished everyone champagne wishes and caviar dreams. Can I ask him this is a serious question? I hope so. Is your son named after him? My son, Robin. Mm-hmm. Now, this isn't something I swore I'd ever reveal.

You are that right. This isn't something I swore I'd ever reveal. So you... So I'm fine. to reveal it. You just haven't at this point? I just haven't. I like to make a notation of everything I have

and have not sworn to reveal. Because swearing, you must take it, you must take it very seriously. It's an oath that you make to God. When you make an oath, do you make a blood oath? Do you just put your hand on some sort of holy book? I like a popery of oaths. I will do

I'll do a blood oath Of course that's messy And you don't always have A ceremonial Blade Blood? Blood? Blade.

Blade to draw the blood Oh, I said First one than the other. Sometimes I'll just do an old Shakespeare oath like Zoons. Short for God's wounds. Yes. Sometimes I'll take the pledge of allegiance

If I'm in America. When, you know, as an adult, you don't really get the chance to do the Pledge of Allegiance all that often. No, it's mostly naturalized citizens of the United States. They're the ones that get to do the Pledge of Allegiance. And children. And school children. We used to do it every single day, and then what? At age 18, it stops?

That's right. They don't do it in college. Yeah. I think we should be doing it every morning when we wake up. We should go over there to a flag and recite it ourselves. Who's with me? Not a lot of people as it turns out. Maybe one-16th of the crowd.

Well, you know, in Canada, where I'm from, we take the Pledge of Allegiance to Canada very seriously. What is the Pledge of Allegiance to Canada? It goes a little something like this. Dear Canada. How are you? I'm sorry to bother you. But I just thought you might like to know

that I pledge my allegiance to you forever and ever in case someone tries to attack us which who would because I think we're pretty nice but you never know I've taken up too much of your time I'll check back with you tomorrow and before the next baseball game

love then your name here fantastic wow yeah well that was deserving of applause and it got it that was all of the crowd So we were talking about the Pledge of Allegiance. Yes, that's correct.

And I'm trying to work my way backwards. Thanks for reviewing for me. Sure. I'm trying to work my way backwards as to why we were talking about it. Yes, the name of your son. Thank you very much. Which I never swore I'd ever reveal. Did you ever swear that you were going to reveal the Pledge of Allegiance to Canada?

I did swear I would never do that. so I'm in a bit of hot water back home with Justin Trudeau he's very dreamy dreamy as Prime Minister we've had quite some time yeah my gosh what a tall drink of water

he really is you know you were just in Toronto I was yes I'm so sorry you couldn't join us there well yeah I followed you I tried to get there and I found out about the show it was too late and so I said well I better track this tour and I turned on the cable television because you know they have the Santa Tracker

where you can track Santa Claus's progress. Can you do that year round, or is it just around the house? Well, it depends on what package you have. I pay the extra money for the premium package. It includes the year-round Santa Tracker. And is he pretty much normally just at the North Bowl? He's in the North Bowl. He's in the North Bowl.

Every once in a while he goes to California or for In-N-Out Burger? Sometimes they'll zoom in and you can see where he is in his house. Wow. Yeah, a lot of time in the living room. Which I guess is true of most of us. That's why they call it the living room. Because we live in there. But I try to be alive in every room of the house.

But why don't they call bedrooms sleeping rooms? I guess because the bed is really the star of the show. But they don't call living rooms, couch rooms. No, because you do more than just sit on the couch. You're watching television. You're talking to people. You're playing a Pinochle or what have you. You're doing all sorts of things.

eating a big bowl of popcorn. If you're anything like me, I'd love to have a big bowl of popcorn. Now, did you ever swear you would reveal that? I swore that I would allow it to happen organically. Speaking of bedrooms... Sure. When you're in there...

When you're in there on the bed, what kind of mattress do you sleep on? And this came up organically. You have to admit. Well, you know what's funny, do I have to admit that? I swore that I would. I have this terrible mattress

and only has two layers of foam. What is it? About six inches? It's six inches. You gotta get a ten inch. I mean, I'm a millionaire. Why don't I have a better mattress? And it's relatively...

I guess I figured there wasn't a better one out there. Well, it's probably because you're thinking it arrives at your house, you know, the size of a mattress. I thought it would come in a mattress box the size of a mattress. No, no, no. And it comes in a refrigerator box, but you know what type? No.

A miniature refrigerator box. What are you talking about? The Lisa mattress is what I'm saying. Well, one of our sponsors here. Thanks to them. Mission accomplished. If I were a guy at NASA, I would be like cheering at the screen right now. You miss that feeling when you finally get the gang together for a night of gaming, and it just

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premieres on September 23rd, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, here's not to change the subject, but... Sure. Did you think that I was dead? I did. You'd been lying on the floor in the Earwolf studio for a long, time. Well, here's a thing. That's not me. That's not you? That's not me. Who is that? Well, uh, boo, there's a... Are you familiar with, uh, cryptozoology at all?

I know, I have a friend Gary Marshall who follows... The director? The director, yeah. Follows monsters around, uh, from country to country. We just saw him in Canada, and he... Okay, now we're talking more about Gary Marshall and less about cryptozoology. Okay, well, he's really my only connection to it. Gotcha. So, I'll take that as a yes to my question. You never, by the way, to my question, told me about Robin, but you can get back to it if you like. True.

Should we talk about that rather than the fact that you thought I was dead and there's someone who looks exactly like me on the floor of your studio? I kind of want to hear about Robin. Okay, sure. Well, here's the thing. My son, Robin Thick. Oh, thank you. Yes, I'm very proud of him. Very proud of him. He sings about rape exclusively.

Yes. He's made himself quite a career in the trigger warning genre of music. Uh, bo. His name is Robin, and he was... A lot of people asked me, of course, was he named after Robin Leach? The host of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Sure. And there's a little bit of that in there.

He's named after three people, really. Robin Leach, host of Lifestyles of the Richard Famous. Certainly. Christopher Robin from the... From Winnie the Pooh. From Winnie the Pooh. The little boy who befriended Pooh and E.or and the rest of the gang. Yeah, that rabbit...

I think an owl was in there. Yeah. What was that rabbit's name? Frederick. What was it? Someone here said it was just rabbit. Just rabbit? Why did everyone else have a proper name?

Winnie the Pooh was granted a title we still don't understand. Don't have the politics of that world. I don't... Maybe it was Winnie the Pooh sort of like the mayor of that land or something? I should hope not. He seemed very incompetent to me.

I mean, it's... Sort of a Rob Ford type mayor. He got stuck in a wall trying to get it honey. They drew on his ass. That's very disrespectful. Respect the office, if not the man. So who is that third robin? I have to ask.

It was. And you'll forgive me. If you're getting a little bit... Oh, my gosh. You're choking up here. Trying to keep myself from weeping on stage. It happens to the best of us. Go ahead, let it out.

Does it really? I think your son Robin was weeping during some of his performances because of his estranged wife, Paula Patton. Yeah, and you know, he made that album to try to get her back. Do you ever listen to it? Unsuccessful.

I listened to it. I thought it should have worked. It should have worked. If any album was going to get someone who did not want to be with you anymore to be with you again, it would have been that album. But gave it a shot.

The third Robin, of course, is Robin Hood. Robin Hood. Sir Robin of Loxley. Was he given a knighthood? I don't know. I don't think so. He was a third.

thief, who stole from the person who would have been responsible for the knighting. Perhaps posthumously, like reparations? Well, you know he wasn't real. There's that. I don't know how many posthuous knighthoods are given to fake people. If that's the case, then Sherlock Holmes is long overdue. Sirlock. Well, Scott, I'm sure you have a pack program, so I'll just be on my way.

Please stick around, please. We named him after Robin Hood because he stole from our genetic material. Why are you getting weepy about that? Well, because I feel that all of my genetic material is precious. I don't like to part with any of it. When you say that meaning, meaning your semen, your actual... That's part of my genetic material. When you say you don't like to part with it, when it escapes your body, what do you do with it?

I catch it, of course. You catch it. I've run after it as quickly as I can. How far can it get? Look, I didn't come here to Bose. enough said I mean also he looks like a combination of my

one of my ex-wives and me yeah who are you married to again Joanna Kearns or was that on the show? No, that was just on the show that was on the show. That was just on pains. Pain's a little more popular than your son. Growing pains, yes.

that's about right well the show is still in syndication so and you had all those wonderful cast members on that show sure you had Kirk Cameron of course he's

he's turned over to the Lord now and he says that he says that wives should be obedient to their husbands in all things I guess if your husband's some kind of crackpot and he says

honey we're going to live in a hot air balloon from now on you're supposed to say you got it chief Let me try to get over my wicker allergy. Is that what the wicker man was about? It's exactly what it was about. The wicker man was about a guy who loved hot air ballooning so much.

He lived in a hot air balloon. In the basket, I would assume. No, inside the balloon. The basket was for guests. Sort of like the downstairs basement? Exactly like that. So, Robin Hood

and the other guys. Yes. I'm forgetting even who they were. But, uh... But you're very concerned with this. Can't remember the details of anything that I'm saying, but you seem... This seems the most fascinating topic to you.

All right, all right. What do you want? Do you want to talk about the fact that there's something dead on the floor of the Ural Studios? Yeah. Are you familiar with the spirit of the Wendigo?

Oh, some Wendigo fans out here. Refresh my memory. The Wendigo is a monster of the North... Well, some say he's a monster. Some say he's an evil spirit that can take over a human being's body and get that human being to do terrible things.

Cannibalism? murder, greed. Wait, a Wendigo can take over a body and cause it to have greed. For real, greed is in there. And so, I've only ever been on your program one time. What's this now? And all the other times,

it was this scary doppelganger who was some poor soul who was taken over by the Wendigo. So you have only been on one time Was it the first time? The very first time. To you. No wonder you talk so differently now. Yes.

Proud of yourself? So... Did you notice any aberrant behaviors by this other Alan Thick? I mean, he wasn't the most normal guest we've ever had. Like, did he eat human flesh in front of you? I mean, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it necessarily But yeah, in between, you know, breaks He would...

Yeah, he would chomp on a little, little hume. Is that some fun slang for human? Yep. Why would that ever be necessary? So, yeah, I saw that, definitely, and I definitely, I felt greedy at one point. Oh, you felt greedy. Are you saying that you were consumed by the spirit of the Wendigo? Maybe that was just my own greed that I have all the time.

Yeah, because the idea of the Wendigo is, he doesn't make the people around him greedy or cannibals. He's doing that himself. Okay. I mean, I'm not as familiar with the Wendigo as you're on. I feel as if you're listening to every third word I say. Now, is this always the way you host the show? Because I only have the one experience with you. Boy, you've missed a lot.

Have I really? Wow, yeah. I bet I'm good. So that's so straight. So why are you here now? You came to track us down? Well, I heard that this... This monster was defeated.

and so I wanted to come and show you this is the real me and you needn't be afraid of me. I'm certainly not going to eat your succulent flesh. Because to do that I'd have to murder you, which I don't relish doing at all. It's not consuming my every thought. Just regular old Alan Thick. Can I tell you something? I wish you would. I'm starting to think that the real Wendigo

is right here in front of me. That's strange because I'm right here in front of you. You're thinking... What? Things got real for someone of the audience who got high. Someone timed their trip, just right. Yeah, that makes sense.

45 minutes in. What? You're thinking about murdering me right now, but you're not relishing it? I'm only thinking about it because you said it and because I have been. You saying it makes me feel like I've been thinking about it. from the moment I walked out onto the stage.

I'm getting concerned here. You tracked us from Toronto where Wendigo's abide. That's right. That's their home turf. Toronto. Can I ask how you got here from Toronto? Oh, yeah.

Let's see. Uh, boo. I was on my way to Pearson International Airport. Then I apparated here. So the usual way. You might just be a Wendigo. Oh, I love this routine. If you're thinking about eating human flesh,

you just might. be a Wendigo. Now you do one. If you're causing the body you're inhabiting to elicit signs of greed, you just might be a Wendigo. Good stuff.

Good stuff. If all you're thinking about is murdering the person you're looking at who's wearing a sweater, you just might be a Wendigo. Well, I think the real Alan Thick, personally, in my opinion... Which is me. There is...

Let's just say there is an Alan Thick who's dead. Right. Ooh. That's my ride. That's a fun joke. That's fun. People can steal that, too. But there's one right in front of me, and one of them is a Wendigo.

Right. And as we have established, the one who's dead in the studio. that's clearly the Wendigo because I'm here a perfectly reasonable person whose mouth is watering looking at your luscious cheekbones are cheekbones

are cheekbones really the most delicious part of... So sweet not a lot of meat but what's there is very tasty okay I'm concerned you're a Wendigo but I feel as if we should continue I'm concerned you're a Wendigo I mean, we can all be concerned

that any one of us are Wendigo's. But don't we have better things to do with our time? Do you, as Alan Thick, do you have any memory of writing any hit songs from 80 sitcoms at all? Of course I do. Such as... Such as...

Such as? Pot, pot and kettle. Pot and kettle? Yep, that's right. No. It's a Canadian show. You wouldn't be familiar with it. Okay.

If I were to say to you, diff rent strokes, what would that mean to you? You would mean you don't know how to pronounce the word different. It's different strokes. Were I to try to instruct you upon the facts of life, would that ring any bells, my dear boy? It would remind me of my parents, presumably,

trying to prepare me for life. Have you ever heard any of these songs before, the different strokes theme song? Have you ever heard what that is? Conrad Bain? A man is born, he's a man of means. I know this one. Do you sing it

And I'll sing it along with you I'll show you Then along come to They've got nothing but their jeans Right I remember it like it was yesterday Sitting there at my Underwood typewriter

Is that how you write songs? Yes, walking around I've got a piano, I've got my typewriter. Chain smoking cigarettes. There's half-eaten containers of Chinese food all over the place. Is it Christmas Day? Why do you have... Always.

Were you going to ask me, is it Christmas Day, why do you have Chinese food? Yes. What? Just out of curiosity. Why were you going to ask me that? I'm like a regular Sirlock Holmes. Are there any other guests on the show tonight?

So there's nothing you want to do to try to convince me that you're not a Wendigo, is that... I mean... What if I would write a song for you right now? Oh! Well, I mean... If you're the real

Alan Thick, then that would be quite a treat. If you're a Wendigo, I might be a little frightened. All right. Why don't you give me just an innocuous name of a

situation comedy? And then I'll come up with the theme song for it. You just give me a brief thumbnail of what it's all about. Aboot. Oh. Oh, this is getting scary. Uh, how about them's the brakes? What's them's the brakes about?

It's all about a family of car mechanics. The entire family. Yeah. They're all car mechanics. They're all car mechanics. How many kids? There are 45 kids. 45 kids?

Yeah. And anytime a car comes into the garage, they point at the wheels and say them's the brakes. So amongst these 45 car mechanics... That's just the children. Oh, 47 car mechanics. Presumably, there's just the two parents.

Sure. Well, actually, there's three because there's the dad figured out late in life that he was gay, and so he has a boyfriend. Right. And they all live together. They all live together, yeah. Everyone's cool with it. In a one bedroom.

In a one bedroom. And it's called them's the brakes. Yes. Do they point to the brakes because there's always a problem with the brakes? They're trying to upsell. So, brakes are the things that most commonly wear out the quickest, so they want to remind the customer that them's the brakes and you can replace them while you're here. All right. So this is, them's the brakes should come about family of car mechanics, 45 children, parents divorced, but the husband has come out.

gay, he lives with his boyfriend and his ex-wife with 45 children in a one-bedroom apartment. Sure. Okay. And the boyfriend is not a car mechanic. I figured. All right. Here's the theme song for Them's the Brakes.

When you get a taste for succulent human flesh. All that you can think about is murder. What's the better? Okay. What's the matter? I thought it started off great. They seem to agree. They seem to agree.

I thought it had real hit potential. I am pretty sure you're a wind to go. But that said, we do need to get to our next guest. Uh, all right. Will you, yes. Will you promise not to murder him? I will not murder anyone here tonight. You sound like you have a disclaimer.

You said, fuh. Nope. I think I said very clearly, I will not murder anyone here tonight. You'll murder the people here on other nights? That's not what I said. You'll murder other people who aren't here tonight. I have sworn that I will not murder anyone here tonight.

That sounds good. It's good now. Maybe it's a T-shirt. I peep. Is it just me or are things actually really scary right now in the world of public health? Every day brings another confusing headline or yet again a far-fetched claim. Vaccines are somehow up for debate. And parents are scrolling TikTok for medical advice.

I'm Chelsea Clinton, an advocate author. investor, teacher, and mom navigating this insane time right alongside you. I hope you'll join me on my new podcast. That Can't Be True, a show that sorts fact from fiction, especially on issues impacting our health. From Lemonada Media and the Clinton Foundation, That Can't Be True, is out October 2nd. All right, we do need to get to our next guest. Just try to behave yourself. I haven't done anything at all. You've been licking your lips constantly, I... There's no law against that, is there?

I think that, you know, under maybe Trump's America, there could be a law against it. If Wendigo's come across our borders and start apparating... Maybe you should build a wall and make Canada pay for it. Would it have magic spells that cause an apparite... A sorcerer who's... I don't know, man, it's your wall. All right, we do need to get to our next guest.

He is a world record holder. Oh, this is exciting. In the, I would presume, the Guinness Book of World Records. I mean, that's the unapageable source of Guinness Book, World Record holders. That's the major source for these things. It really is. I wonder if there are other record books. that no one ever looks at or talks about.

Like the Schlitz book of world records. Let me look this up in Schlitzes. Dad, just get it, Guinness. Are these characters from Them's the Bricks? That's just a little taste. Ooh, little taste. That made me hungry. Uh-oh.

All right, we're going to try to not say any kind of word that has any sort of double meaning for eating. Good luck to you. I'm always listening. All right, he is a world record holder. He's here to tell us about this world record, amongst other things. Please welcome Frank Dorito.

Thank you, Frank, it's so nice to meet you. You and I have never met... I'm Frank Derido. I have never met you before. No, I have not. What's that? We never met before. We have never met before.

You and I, this is the first time we've ever met. We've never met before, yes. Nice to meet you, and I'm nice to meet you. What's that? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, Mr. Durrido. to? Yeah, well.

Gonna maybe ask you to speak up. I'll try. See what I can do. Yeah. So, yeah, as you said, I'm a world record holder. Oh, are we just getting into it? Yeah, I want to tell you about it. You want to chit-chat about the weather or something?

It's very cold out. Is it what I noticed. A little weather report. Yeah, it is very cold out. With a wind moving in from the east. You wanted a weather report. Over here we have the sun. Why are you pointing to the side?

That's the weather. That's the weather map and the background. It's coming in. The sun's coming in from the sky. He's standing in front of the green screen. As you can see, I'm the weather. man right now. And this is where the screen exists.

Are you a weather person? No. I do what I'm asked. You do what you're asked? Absolutely. I have no idea what that means when it comes to your occupation or? No, my job is, my job, I don't have a job. You don't have a job?

No, I don't need to have a job because of my record. Okay, so you're a world record holder. Yes. A lot of people who have a world record for, you know, most who hoops that they fit on their body or whatever. They don't... That's your example. How many can you fit on your body?

Look it up. I'm sure it's in there. Look it up in schlitzes. Ugh. Yeah. What's your better example? Tallest man. How about that freak with the fingernails that's always in there?

Yeah, I should have thought about him. You didn't mention my height, I will say. Yeah, you're very tall. How tall are you? I'm seven feet tall. Not tall enough to win a record for it, but I am tall. Yeah, you're seven feet tall. So how tall is the tallest man, and did you hope to get up there? He's 14 feet tall. There was no chance.

He's all eggs, baby. So you say baby I know a couple other people who do It's a common phrase So Frank Tell us about Is it one world record or is it several It's one

It's just one And yet you make a substantial living off of it Well, yeah, because you'll see what my world record is, is that I hold the world record for most wishes granted. So I don't need to have a job. Most wishes granted. So you're granting the wishes, or you have had them granted to you? I make a wish, it gets granted.

I get a point on my chart, and I keep my record. I'm a very lucky man. It sounds so. When you say these wishes, is it just like, oh, I wish mom would come home early today, or is it? Oh, well, I try to wish for things that are a little out of my control.

Okay. I wish I was a little bit taller. Wish I was a baller. That type. That type of thing. so yeah and they've all come true I am taller

and I'm a baller now so in every sense of the word both basketball and dollars how tall were you before you made these wishes I mean I was 2-1 I was 2-1 I wish to be

5 feet tall I wish to be a little taller over and over again until I got to be 7 feet tall then I lost both my legs in a very painful accident and I then wished for them to regenerate. Mr. Dorito, may I ask you a question?

Mm-hmm. Were you just trying out the various heights in little increments just to see which felt the most comfortable? Mm-hmm. Yes. Because you didn't want to wish too big. Yeah, you try to be realistic with a wish and something you're going on to stick with

because you could be unhappy with it and it might be irreversible. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. So, but every hume grows. Ooh, my stomach is growling. Grows at a slightly incremental pace. Are you sure you weren't just naturally growing?

I mean, at what age were you two-one? Forty-two. Okay. It seemed like it was done. When did you stop growing, Mr. Ackerman? I don't know. 17, something like that. Okay.

Whoa. Sorry, is that a secret? So you were 42. How old are you now? 48. 48. Yeah. You, was that the first wish you made was you wish you were a little bit taller?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. Why were you, why did you make this wish? Well, I found a lucky penny. And I said the lucky penny rhyme. What's the lucky penny rhyme? See a penny, pick it up all day long.

You'll have good luck. Make a wish, let it lay all day long. You get to play. So if you see a penny and you pick it up, all that day you'll have good luck. Yes, you bet. That is a fact. That's a fact. The rest is fiction?

The rest is fiction. No, no, no, it's all true. For me, at least, you know, all my wishes come true. And every form of wish I make, it all comes true. It all comes true. But this one, I wish I was a little bit taller, was on a penny. A lucky penny. You let it lay there and you made a wish.

And then I got to play all day. That's the part that I don't really understand. I don't write the rhymes. These are old fables. We all know so well. Mr. Dorito, if I may. Mr. Thick? That's correct.

As in the expression, unusually thick. When you made this penny wish, did it take, did it become effective immediately? Yes, I did grow about a few centimeters in the exact moment. So, centimeters. Yes, she wished, he wished to be a little bit taller. And my eye line just raised slightly. Were you wishing in the metric system? You know, this was my first wish, so I wasn't very specific.

I just said a little bit taller and there I grew. Okay. Mm-hmm. And it was just a media, just suddenly just boom. Mm-hmm. Wow, okay. And then did you realize that you had, that the penny had caused it? Yes.

Did you try to find another penny? I did, but, you know, you can't force a wish to have. happen. You have to have these things happen naturally. You know, you have to wait for your birthday and such. Oh, okay. So was, the next one was on your birthday? And the next day was my birthday, yes. How serendipitous? Yes, it was very serendipitous. I was brought a cake at dinner. It was a surprise. Very lovely from my wife, yes. Tell me about your wife. She is. Well, she's gorgeous. She's a supermodel, but that is a new addition. Oh, this is a new, a new wife. No, no, same wife got more beautiful with a wish.

Oh. Wow. I wished for her to go get plastic surgery. She did it. She's very obedient. Just like you mentioned. That's right. Kirk would be pleased.

I love an obedient wife. Do what I say. Not as I do. Not as you do. No, I'm very bad. You play around on your wife a lot? I play around my wife, yeah. You play around all day?

I'll lay her on the ground. I put a twister mat on top of her. Play, play, play. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. But let's move on from her. Okay. She gave you a surprise cake. Yeah, it was so lovely.

Yeah, we were having a nice dinner. I thought no one was going to acknowledge my birthday. and then the waitress came up singing happy birthday and in the restaurant style, as you may be familiar. Sure of, uh... Happy, happy birthday, it's your special day. Make a wish, you'll get it, whatever you won't, it's going to happen today.

So I got real excited because I knew I could make a wish now, and this was happening to me now, so... So you had never made a wish previously on your birthday? Oh, you know, I usually said them out loud, which I've learned as incorrect. Okay, so 41 years of saying them out loud. Yeah, begging for it to happen. You know, I'd just be sitting at my birthday table saying,

I wish my life was better. Nothing would change. So, but then the day before, you find this penny. A wish is granted. You realize that maybe some of the actual structures of these wishes need to be adhered to. Yes. So you decide to keep this silent. And what do you wish for?

In my head, I silently said, I wish I was a baller. We've covered my main wishes. Now, these were the first two. So, yeah, silently wished for that. My wallet got fatter. A basketball rolled into the restaurant. I dribbled it between my legs, around my wife's head, and through a waitress's skirt, that's nothing but net.

Mr. Dorito, I have two questions. So the wish to be a baller came true in every sense of the word baller. And also, was the waitress wearing the skirt at the time that you performed this swish? She was actually trying to get a world record. She had hula hoops all around. And they were on suspenders with fabric on the outside. No Wendy's, I'm my dad Lucky day for Mr. Dorito

And I dunked that Heard a swoosh over pussy And Please, Mr. Doritos No, no, no. Such Stop kicking me. Let me do what I want.

His gigantic long legs It almost knocked me over. I feared Mr. Dorito's gone mad with power. Oh, you almost fell. I wished for it in my mind. Mr. Dorito, I don't want to get off the subject of wishes entirely, but I am curious about your life as a two-foot-one person. Would that not have been a record in itself?

Hmm, no, no it's not. Really? There was someone shorter. There was a smaller man than me. He's nine inches tall. He's all dick. We didn't ask. But it's interesting, isn't it? You didn't know to ask.

So he may be a double record holder. Proportionally. I don't think proportionally, okay. He is. Yeah, yeah. He's 100% dick, so that is a better proportion than any of us can claim, I'm sure. I mean, most of us are, what, maybe 2%? Speak for yourself.

So at this point, how many wishes have been granted to you? I've gotten 2,697 wishes granted. Wow. Yes. So is anything about you like the original Frank Dorito? Oh, you know, my winning smile. That you kept the same. Yeah, but I did put two fangs in the back of my mouth.

In the back? Yeah. Why? To what purpose, if I may have? My wife loves Twilight, so she likes the idea of a vampire going down on her. But I want them to be a secret, you know. I see. Yep.

Your wife loves Twilight. Yeah. The books or the... The films. The films. She can't read. That was a wish I made a few years ago. Did you not want her to read the record book?

Oh, I didn't want her to read it all and have that power, you know. She couldn't get her way out of a paper bag. And she's tried. Did you wish for a paper bag? Yes, I wished for a paper bag so big it could get her inside. I stapled it shut, and I watched her struggle. So I would imagine with over 2,000 wishes, you run out of a few after a while. They're just kind of whimsical like that.

Yeah, you start to have a little fun with it, you know. I got all the money. I got a big house. I got a mention, you know, I got a hit song. Oh, what's your song? Let's hear you perform it right now. Great. Show me that smile.

Don't waste another minute on your crying. Whether we're near the only loo. The best is ready to begin. That's it. Wow. Yeah. That's a terrific number. Is that on the charts right now?

Yes, it's number one. Congratulations. I was going to say, you've only been making wishes for six years. that song is about 20-some-odd years old. I made a wish for it to be the hit song and a theme song of a show from the 80s and 90s, and it retroactively worked, and I'm getting all the money. Wow.

So you've made wishes that have affected all of humanity. Because that certainly did. Well, it's a shared experience that we all have, that we wouldn't have if you hadn't made that wish. I have a question about the money that you accrue, does it get taken from other people in the world, or is it new money, so our money is now kind of worthless because there's so much circulating out there? Hmm, I never really investigated, you know, it comes right into my room, into my pillow.

Into your pillow? It flies through the window, fits inside my pillow, and my sleep gets a little better. Is it gold coins, or is it paper money? It's gold coins. Painful, painful gold coins. But you're sleeping better. Because I love money. Don't you sleep well when you get a paycheck?

I've never seen the correlation before, but I guess so. Okay, have you ever been poor? Yes. So didn't you sleep worse when you were worrying about the money? Well, I was younger, so I think I slept more. Okay, you know what? Forget it. I was very poor until this point.

You were. You were a poor little two-foot-one? Yes. I mean, I was a mayor. You know, my wife, we were homeless, though. She'd push me around town a little baby stroller. But, I mean, you were rich in love. She was just a few plastic surgery sessions away from being a supermodel.

Yeah, that's true. I was rich in love, I guess. But, you know, that doesn't buy you much. Doesn't buy you happiness, huh? You were unhappy. I was unhappy. Before all of these wishes. I wanted an alligator car.

What is an alligator car? Okay. Funny. you should ask. It's an alligator carved out, stretched with wheels. They scoop out the inside of the alligator. They put a car parts inside the alligator's skin. So it'll go.

Good thinking. Do they put the engine in the rear or in the... They put the engine in... It goes in the rear in the anus of an alligator. Tight spot. How fast does it get? Two miles an hour? It's kind of like a Flintstone's car, really.

My feet do all the work. Really? Mm-hmm. Okay. So I just walk around with a big alligator head on. Why would you wish for that? I get to be in every parade. Do you, after a while, crocodile, do you, um, do you, uh, do you just start putting

random words together, like alligator car and just, what do you want to wish for? That sounds like you. What do you want to wish for? Do you have anything in your life you want? Well, I mean, I think we all, uh, wish for more human connection with our loved ones. Oh, that's sad. Don't you want, like, monkey shoes? Monkey shoes?

Yeah, shoes made a little monkeys that are grabbing onto you. Wait, so they're live monkeys? Yeah, they're squealing all the way. You get a lot of attention that way, lots of looks. You know I love to get looked at. So I made myself so tall. You do it for the looks?

I do it all for the looks. and the pure happiness I get. Now, I have a wish. I mean, have you started just kind of coming up with these wishes where now if you just make wishes, you can get them? Or just, do they have to be special circumstances? Yeah, you have to kind of find yourself in a place, like a wishing whale.

I will say, don't trust a genie. Really? Yeah. Nope, nope, nope. You found a bunch of genies in your life? Oh, yeah. Well, once I got the record, you know, genies came to me.

but you know they all just want to get out of their little entrapment they're stuck in a little enclosure and they want to get out and that's their thing they don't really care about helping you really so how many do they normally give is the three wishes that's a thing yeah and then they just get out and they run away and they don't want to talk to you again no matter how close you got during the process so sounds like you're just lonely and you so what i fell in love with a billion genies and they never called me back But aren't you in love with your supermodel wife who can't read?

She's fine. She's all right, yeah. I kind of miss when she could talk. Yeah. Why don't you wish for it? I don't know. You know, I don't want to go back and forth and trick her so much. You know, she's gotten used to being mute now.

Did you learn sign language or? No. Neither did she. You could wish for that. That could be cool to learn another language Or do something useful with it I don't know I kind of want a tail

Well where do you see yourself going from here I mean Up up up Is there someone chasing your tail Where they've made a lot of wishes as well And you Yeah there is a guy kind of kitchen up to me now Yeah he's getting very close

Really? Yes he has 2,000 wishes 2,000 and you have 2,600 Or whatever I said yeah so just 600 more wishes or so yeah and he could be right there with me and i'd be out of the book is that what you like being in is the book more so than having all the wish i personally would rather have the wishes because you could just wish for yourself to be in the book well i guess that's true i never really thought of it that way it seems like cheating though

yeah i want to earn it you know everyone in that book has earned it and i'd like to earn it too you're not earning anything. Well, now, Scott, Mr. Dorito has earned the title of the man with most wishes granted. Yes. I guess you're the physical going out there and finding the wishes

and having them granted to you takes a little bit of work. Yeah. But the stuff that you're actually wishing for, you're not earning in the slightest. Well, no, I guess you're right, but, you know, you're not earning a living here. Fuck you. I wish I could take it back. You're not going to sleep too well tonight without your paycheck.

Oh, no. I'll sleep pretty good, though, right? You're fine. So when you're in a situation like this, like, say you want a wish, and you're in a, just somewhere like this. Like, what would you do if you were looking at you? for a wish right now. We're in the Wilbur Theater. And you...

You know, I'd hope for a fairy to come in, a fairy godmother. I'd hope for that for a while. You'd hope for that. Does that help hoping? Putting a little bit of energy out. You know, prayers and hopes do you help you get a wish. How long do you hope for a fairy godmother to show up before you realize she's not coming? Is it sort of like Uber, where if it's like 25 minutes? Yeah, can you cancel it? Yeah, you can cancel it.

And then at that point, you're hoping to see a penny. Now, as I said, you can't really put too much pressure on it. But often there is a change on the ground, and different amounts of dimes and quarters and those different coins will lead to better wishes. So the higher the coin, the better the wish. Really? Mm-hmm.

I would have assumed it was a penny. There's the one rhyme for the penny, and the rhyme for the dime is right there. So when you see a dime, you say, rhyme for the dime. And then... And then you get to wish whatever you want. So take us through the nickel and the quarter. Dollar coin.

Go ahead. See a nickel. Grab it now. Don't look twice. There was a sow who walked behind a farm so near. And when she got close, she whispered, dear, make a wish it will come true. Get that, nickel. It's up to you.

You ever see a nickel on the ground and go, eh, it's not worth it. All the time, all the time, yeah. Time's way easier. Quarter. Quarter. Ooh, there's a quarter. I saw it there.

I wish that I could have it hair. So this only works in the South? In my pocket, up a tree, whatever it is, I want it to be. That's it. It felt like it could have been longer, but it's not. They're not always the same thing. No, no, no, no. 50 cent piece.

50 cents, now that is rare. Grab that dime. Oh, wait. And that's it. That's it. That's a tricky one. That's a tricky one. Not a lot of rhyming, I heard in it either. You get surprised by a seeming mistake.

And the dollar coin. Is it different for the Susan B? Yeah. Susan B, our friend and dear. We love her soon. I'll bring her near. I want a wish granted by a lady. Make it happen.

and don't be shady. Now, of course, up in Canada, we have the toony. Toonie, Toonie, what a game. It's like $2, it's just the same. But it's a coin, so have some fun. This wish is yours. You get two, not one. Wow.

Two wishes for a toony. Yes. No wonder they started that up there. Yes. Wow, that's incredible. You could use it when you go back home. To Canada, where I'm definitely from. Where am I else do you be from?

Earth. Now, I don't notice you kind of looking at me with a glimmer in your eye this whole time. You have exquisite cheekbones. I have to say, Alan, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Frank over here is a little bit taller than me, wished for, right there in the first wish. Probably would make more of a meal than...

Very lean, though, very lean because he's so tall. Yeah. I'll make a good meal, huh? His words, not mine. Can I talk to you, Frank, for one second? Sure, absolutely. Alan, do you mind just kind of wandering over to the other side of the stage? I'll just go over here and make some noises.

Beep. Okay, Frank, we're in a situation where we're on stage with a Wendigo. A Winda who? A Wend to go. Yeah. That's bad. That's bad. Now, I'm hoping that you, as someone who can kind of find wishes in all of these situations,

could maybe find a wish so that you could wish for the real Allen Thick. to come back to life and be here instead of this Wendigo. All right. I'll do it. Okay. Hmm. What do you need? What do you need? Wait, I found it.

There's a screw on the stage. A screw? I can't even see. Your eyes must be so finely tuned to finding things down on the ground. They are. I'm always looking. Now, screws are a special thing you can wish for when you've earned a hundred wishes. Really? You level up.

So I don't need just coins anymore. Okay, can you do something? Yeah. There's a screw. What do it do? I make a wish and it will come true. It's all mental, though. Say, Alan.

You seem to be texting someone? I was maybe Snapchating. Are you saying the signature for a lot? We're Snapchatting? No, that's not my catchphrase. That's someone else's. Well, I just made a mental wish. You made a mental wish?

Yes. You mean meaning a wish that you don't say out loud. You can't really say many of them out loud. It have to be in your head. They have to be in your head. And I just thought of one that's very important to Mr. Alcran. Okay, so let me ask you a question. Sure.

If I were to ask you to sing the theme song to diff rent strokes, could you? certainly I could Did we do it already? But now Frank has made this wish It would be different now It would be different, we're hoping The song would be different

Your performance of it would be different More confident More accurate Should I have been listening When you told me not to listen I mean, this is a real mixed message here. I'm afraid that if I tell you my wish it won't come true, but maybe it already has. No, that makes sense.

Let's, let's just be honest here. I'll just say it. I wish that you, you weren't a windigo. That you were the real Alan Thick. well that's where I'm from that's rude it's him

all right that's our show thank you very much Lauren Lapkis Paula Tompkins I'm Scott Ackerman thank you Boston we love you Come to my mind.

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