Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Boston, 2016 - Part 2

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from Boston featuring, Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Werner Herzog, Lauren Lakpus as Big Sue and special guest Neil Campbell as The Time Keeper! Recorded May 7, 2016 at The Wilbur Theatre.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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I hate oxidants. I'm going to do all that plus post-biotics. I'm going to invent those. I'm just going to do biotics. Sure. Okay. AG1 is the opposite of complexity. 20 seconds, one scoop, 8 ounces of water, you're done.

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Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good one. I love berry, but honestly, I've enjoyed them all. I'm already knocking out my 2026 nutrition goals in just one day because I've drank the whole year's supply in one day. Oh, I wouldn't do that. Listen, AG1 has over 50,000 verified five-star reviews and comes with a 90-day money-back guarantee. So go to drink AG1. dot com slash freedom to get their best offer for a limited time only get a free ag1 duffel bag and free

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Scott Ockerman here and welcome to another You're saying Is this Freedom? Is this comedy bang bang? Well, it's a little bit of both While we rejuvenate While we refresh ourselves

Paul Lauren and I And we take a few months off We wanted to still keep putting out some stuff for you to listen to. And we thought it was a good idea to play you some of the episodes from the tour back in 2016 when we went around and did every date together and became great friends. And that's the impetus for Threatom's beginnings. So we thought we would every week put out another one of these great tour episodes from 2016, the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. Now, if you've

never heard Comedy Bang Bang, its format is I am the host. of it, and then I have comedians on playing characters. On this particular tour, Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkis were on every episode, every day to the tour, and they played characters. So in this episode, this one is live from Boston part two. It came out on May 7th, 2016, and this is the second show we did that night. You can hear the first one last week. And Paul F. is playing in this when he's playing Werner Herzog, the acclaimed film director, and Lauren is playing Big Sue. Big Sue is a very interesting person. Well, you can hear exactly all of her details.

She's a very eccentric character. We also have a special guest on this episode. The opener for the tour on this part of the tour was Neil Campbell, who was the executive producer and headwriter of the comedy bang bang TV show. he would open up the show but then occasionally do characters he does a character on this one his most popular character in fact and this is the timekeeper and uh an interesting bit of trivia about this episode his parents were in the crowd on this episode and it so rarely happens when your parents come to see you perform that you ever do well usually you bomb and they're embarrassed for you and in this particular night neal crushed it so hard and his parents got to see that which is

really nice. So, um, let's hear this. This is, uh, live from Boston part two. And if, by the way, if you want to hear any of the live episodes, uh, the entire backlog is at CBB world along with every episode of three to Mad Free. Um, and, uh, so let's hear it. And then we'll be back next week with another live episode. But, uh, here we go. This is Comedy Bang Bang, Bang, Live from Boston part two. Boston, Massachusetts! Boston, Massachusetts! Oh, show number two, that's how we do.

Hold on, I have to do this. In my life I have loved and been loved, found peace and created my own, but nothing, my boy, has brought me more joy than an ice-cold can of Hawaiian punch. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to Jay Man the Great for that wonderful cashphrase.

There's balconies up in this bitch. I mean, these, yeah. What do you call it? They're like opera boxes? That's a lot. That's too much. One guy raised his both hands. Another guy said presidential.

Another guy said woo. And then some low chattering. You guys got to get together. Let me ask, over here a question. What is that box called? I thought a box. Sticking with these guys. You're my people over here.

I don't know. what I was thinking. Boston, we're so happy to be here. This is such a great comedy town. First of all, how about Neil Campbell, huh? Yes. I'm going to tell you a secret. His parents are here.

Aw. Where are they? Let's find them. Show yourselves, Campbell's. Back there? Ah. Do you understand anything that's happening? I mean in life.

No. Oh, look, I didn't see. Oh, okay. Thank you for coming. Your son is doing great job. I think we all can agree. It's been fun being on this tour with everyone. I think this is night four. It feels like 24. We're having a great time and I think you guys are going to have a great time here. We love being here in Boston and how many people were in the first show or

at the first show? All right. I would gauge that at a If you think that is 30%, sir, you are used to over-exaggerating. What are we on the south side of Boston, the theater district? No. Good. Did my research. I try to come in here with the bare minimum of facts. Now, who has tables?

I can't see really a lot of the audience, but down here on the floor, everyone I say, you guys have tables up there? It's a bummer, isn't it? These are rich people. You are poor people. But really, all it buys you is a table. You know?

You guys are packed in. I love this. What else would you be doing on a 10 p.m. on a Boston Saturday night? Most people said drinking. I will say one of our performers was walking outside. I hope she, ooh, that gives it away. Doesn't mind me telling this story. but saw, as she described them as fraternity boys,

going, oh, we got to get an eight ball. And the other guy going, shut the fuck up, don't say it so loud. Charming City. You're proud of it. I like it. Who cares? We're all gonna be dead.

Let's do eight balls. Well, speaking of eight, there is going to be eight divided by two people up on this stage. Woo! Good segue. I was a close one. Are you guys ready to get this show started? What do you say?

We're going to have fun tonight. And speaking of fun, let me introduce to you the master of fun. He is a director of films. Please welcome Werner Herzog. Thank you, Scott, what a pleasure it is to be here. Thank you for having me on your show here in Boston, Massachusetts. You're quite welcome, Werner. It's always a pleasure to see you.

I hope this is true. do you have doubts or I know that to some people my demeanor can often be very duer which is the way it's pronounced not dower Is that true That is true Welcome to your language

Why then would the company doers You know Who do you think is behind this mispronunciation. They're behind it? Follow the money. Good point. Werner, I saw you

one week ago. A mere seven days ago. We were in Los Angeles, California. Oh. Someone says. I do not understand this groan. No answers are forthcoming,

although I stared bleakly into the audience in the direction from which the groan came. Not willing to give it up. But my basilisk-like stare did not elicit a response. So I saw. all you in Los Angeles. Yep. And last time I saw you, we had a good time.

It was at the Ace Hotel. What are you doing in Boston now? That's just a good question. It really is. I mean, one would assume that it's researching a film or it's traveling. It's either business or pleasure. Let's narrow it down that way.

Business or pleasure. It is a bit of both. as it so often is I am taking over the direction of sheer madness explain to the certain amount of the audience well please you are the host I believe that it would be rude of me

to take those explanation duties away from you. And yet I, you know, I fully abdicate them towards you. You're very considerate. Shear madness is a play that has been running for longer than any play should have ever run.

How long do you think a play should run? One week. It is a comedy murder mystery show. Murder is funny to them. To the creators of the play? Yes. I think that their intention is sensible, the idea that we must laugh in the face of that

over which we have no control to feel as if we have some control however illusory Are those the themes you hope to mind when you direct this? I wish for people to come to sheer madness the campy ramp

that has been running for 100 decades and I wish for them to leave hoping to crawl into the nearest manhole and live the rest of their days in the fetid sewers of Boston. Hold on, there's more. Knowing that they are merely living

in an underground sewer for a change. I'm saying that life is a sewer. I thought you were saying the city is an above-ground sewer. No, Boston has no claim on living in a sewer that is the claim of planet Earth. When you think about it, we all poop. Where's it go?

When you think about what? Where's it go? I see no evidence of it. Where's it go? What are you talking about? Prove that we poop. And I'll believe you, but no one has. Have you ever had occasion to buy a product known as toilet paper?

I don't keep it, though, in the house. They used stuff, the used stuff. Anyway, we're getting wildly off topic. It's a late show. We're feeling silly. If you say so. That's what I love about you, Verner. You come out here, it's a late show. You bring a little energy to it.

Do you feel as if I'm being a real goofball right now? whack-a-doodle. Just get you a rubber room. Listen to you. So you, man, so you've taken on these duties. Yes, it is fun to get back into the theater.

I have not directed a theater production in many years. Really? What was the last one that you directed? Hamilton. And you directed many years ago? I directed a

a preview of Hamilton and then I was told my services were no longer required. Take me through. We all know Hamilton, Lynn Manuel Miranda's wonderful Tony nominee. I mean, 16 nominations did I read? I believe that I do not know what you have read.

But is it the truth? But I believe that it's correct. So I could have been reading a newspaper that got the facts wrong. You did not provide me with a bibliology I, forgive me, you have me at a disadvantage. I have not investigated what you have and have not read.

Fair enough, fair enough. But we all know Hamilton, of course, the, it's a hip-hop musical. Is that safe to say? That it is now, yes. There was one preview where it most certainly was not. Really? So when you directed it, there was. There was no hip-hop?

There was no hip-up. I was very, I was very liberal with my rewriting of the libretto. So there was hip-hop in it. You took the libretto. There was hip-up on the page that I went in another direction with. What direction did you go in if I mean? Gregorian chants. So take, take...

take me through when these would come up Alexander Hamilton he arrives on a boat to the new land every place where there is a song in Hamilton imagine there was a Gregorian chant that's the entire

show that's correct at what point don't you just say you know this is a show called Gregorian chanting I'm sorry is the title of the musical hip-hop?

I am being sarcastic. It is not. It's called Hamilton. But your Gregorian Chance, were they about Hamilton? After a fashion. They obliquely referenced Hamilton many, many

times. I thought the the creator would be satisfied by this but we had a disagreement and how did this come to a head I mean Lin-Manuel Miranda is a fiery guy he's passionate and

we had a discussion after he got out of the hospital he had to have his jaw reset because when he saw what I had done to the production his mouth hung open so vident that he damaged not only his jaw

but his Adam's apple. The force of his chin hitting his own neck. Really? Caused trauma. Like a carnival bell that you hit with a hammer? Like a carnival bell that you hit with a hammer. I am agreeing with you. It is the perfect example.

All right, all right, all right, Bert. Many times as a boy, my parents would take me to the carnival, and I would say, please, mother and father, let us go directly to the bell. My favorite carnival attraction. The straw-hatted man behind the bell counter would hand me the little hammer and say have at it little fellow but be quick about it

there's a huge line behind you as there always is at the carnival bell and then we would have Schnitzel and then we would have Schnitzel Are you, they no longer have the elephants at the circus. They just retired them last week, I believe.

Yes, it's a real shame because I thought the elephants brought, they really brought the sadness to the circus. Without them, it is merely seedy. But when you would see those gigantic creatures with their unbelievably somber eyes. Wandering around the sawdust ring. Doing things that are clearly beneath them. Now, that was a show.

Now. Well, fantastic. Werner. You always light up a room, I have to say. it is better to light up a room than Room up a light What am I you

Well it's really fun to have you Yes Well it's really fun to have you here Can you stick around for the entire show? Of course I can Yes Okay Good

I also believe I am contractually obligated to do so. Ouch! What happens, Scott? Well, now the holidays are over. The spending hangover is here. Oh, that's so true. I have a spending ice bag on my head. I don't know about you, but after all the gifts, the travel, the food,

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Free shipping and 365-day returns. That's all year. Quids.com slash freedom. Hey, Paul, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yeah, I know. I know you know. I just wanted to say it. Scott, I'm so sorry.

I'm defensive. I'm just feeling kind of glum lately. I know. Well, the start of a new year can make it feel like we're supposed to completely reinvent We've been ourselves and become the ultimate humans that we've all meant ourselves to be, right? Yeah. But maybe it's not about becoming someone new. Maybe it's about feeling like a lighter, less burdened version of ourselves.

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It's really short. Wow. And then they match you with someone who fits your needs. And if it's not quite right, you can switch therapists any time so you can focus on the work that matters to you. Oh, wow. Do you like to go to therapy, Paul? Yeah, I do. As a matter of fact.

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Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash freedom. That is BetterHELP.com slash freedom. We do have another guest, and I hope this isn't awkward at all for you. Why would it be awkward for me? Well, I know I didn't introduce any of my guests backstage to each other. No, you heard us in three separate little rooms, and they were soundproofed. Yes. They had phone walls and door, and we could not hear anything.

And I put the headphones on you that were just blaring loud music. That's right. They could have just been noise-cancelling headphones. They were both. They were blaring loud music, and he was canceling that noise. Why? I hope you save the receipt because some of the music came through. Well, we do have another guest, and it's someone that we saw last week as well.

She was on the show last week as well. You don't mean... She's the proprietor of the store of carpets and rugs down there. Please welcome Big Sue to the stage. It's good. Is this on? Is this thing on? Yours could be a little hotter, I feel.

Is it on? There we go, okay. This one's really hot. Hot, very hot mic. Wow. This one is just right. I feel like you need this one I'll take this one

maybe it's just my technique I don't know what do you think? I don't know I feel like I'm not Hello There we go This feels good Don't you talk

Hello Nothing He's dead We just have to do this for every conversational exchange Is it This is good. This is good, yeah, Big Sue.

Hey, how's it going? How is everyone? It's great to see you. It's great to see you. Wow, wow, Boston. Boston, where are you from originally? You sound like you're from... Not East Coast.

East Coast. I'm from East Coast, yeah. You know. You know. You are definitely not from Chicago. I'm not. Here's how I know. Tell me how.

You like a certain kind of pizza? I love a certain kind of pizza. Look at this. This guy, he really knows. I love pizza. You know what kind of pizza I like? I like a round pie. Start with a round base.

I put a lot of tomato sauce, a red sauce. Marinerer tomato sauce. Cheese, for sure. Melt it. And then maybe I put a meat. Maybe I put a sausage or a pepper. Maybe. If I'm in the mood for it, you know,

but I do like a round base, for sure. Absolutely, yes. Pizza is your favorite... Pizza. Your favorite food. I love pizza, yeah. You know what, though, I did have something... I had something interesting today.

You had some interesting pizza? No. I didn't have pizza today. I ended up having a hot dog. Yeah. A hot dog? I also love hot dogs. I never mentioned that to you before.

I love hot dogs. You don't know? I like a... I like a bun. I like a... I put it in a long bun. Kind of size of a $2 put together, maybe. Two dollar bills.

That's a long hot dog. Yeah, you bet. And I like to put a wiener in it. What are you doing with your hands? Put a wiener in it. I put a wiener in it. Yeah, a hot dog. Put a hot dog inside the bun.

ask a question, Big Sue. Yes. Of what is this hot dog made? It's a pig, it's horse, it's whatever. Wait, you don't care what is in the hot dog? Do you care what is in the hot dog? No, what is this is a hot dog? They're delicious.

No, you don't know what's in a hot dog. I didn't know if it was a pork hot dog or a beef hot dog. No. I don't know. I didn't ask. I didn't ask him where he came from. I just ate it. Put on top a little ketchup and mustard.

stirred, you know. Both. Relish. A little relish. All three of those condiments on one hot dog. Yeah. If I'm feeling happy, I'll maybe add a little more. A little, uh, little, what else you put on there?

Onions. What? Delicious. So this is a new wrinkle to you. Yeah, it's a new wrinkle to me. It's a new detail, as you would say. DTL? Detail.

Detail. Oh, I thought you were down to... I'm down to lick. It's a DTL. That's what I text to my guys when I'm on my app. You text that to guys? On my app, yeah. And you have an app?

I have an app for my store. It's a carpet app. So it's pictures of rugs, and then it's pictures of rugs, you know? And then you swipe, you know, accordingly. And then I write back DTL if I like what I see, you know. What are you seeing? Whatever they send me. What is it, dick pick, fucking, I pick.

I don't know. So you're making... I'm down to lick a lot of stuff. You're making prospective suitors. Yeah. Download your store app. Yeah. In order to get a hold of you.

Oh, to get a hold of me. And then there's other ladies in there. It's not just me. It's other people in your area. And other rugs in your area. There's a good rug. You want to go vacuum if that's your fetish. Big suit.

I use a little dustbuster. or whatever you like. Big Sur, so I have a question. This app, does it have anything to do with the sale of carpets? No, it's for pleasuring yourself with the carpet. It's just for pleasure with their carpet. Yeah. The store is where you buy the carpet, yeah.

Please come with the store. Yeah, we haven't talked about the store a lot, but you have... Yeah, it's going out of business. It's real bad, yeah. When do you think you'll be out of business? Ah, ooh, any time, anytime. rugs are not moving because they're so wet. Yeah. No one wants to buy a wet rug.

I'm finding. I thought they did, but not so much. Yeah, every time I've seen you, you've been stressing how great it is that your rugs are all wet. That was my tactic. Yeah. I was like, it's great.

Everyone loves it. And everyone's like, not really. So, yeah, they're not coming back. So it's a very sloppy piles of wet rugs. It's very bad. Yeah, it's very bad. It smells horrible in the store. Well, it's because your pizza dukies have all

You know, you're very rude. You're the one that told me about. Last time I brought it up. Now, you can't just bring up when someone shit and clogged a toilet. Let the lady bring that up. Go ahead. I shit and clogged a toilet. Spilled all over the rugs in the whole store.

And guess what? I had to go again and it happened again. What do you want? I'm human. Someone say I'm hum. Very few would get that. And this toilet overflowed for quite, a significant amount of time.

As far as I can tell, it never stopped. I was wondering why your rugs are still wet. Yeah, very sloppy, wet, ducky rugs, yeah. Very bad, very bad for business. Yeah. Very bad for business. I need De Niro. Woof, that's going to be bad.

Bad year. Yeah, I know. You're broke? Yeah, I'm going broke real fast. Yeah, I bet, yeah. Well, you know, the last time we saw you, we saw you a week ago in Los Angeles. Why are you in Boston?

We asked murder here. Yes. I was lucky enough to come up with an answer very quickly as one does in a normal conversation. Is that a rude question to ask? Should I not be asking that? No, it's a normal question that someone would ask someone, you would think that anyone who would not be prepared for that question

would be an insane person. So, of course, I was prepared because we were having a, normal conversation that people have. But I can retract it if that's too personal for you, Big Sue. It's not too personal. The reason I'm here was because I heard about a great hot dog that they had here.

You heard about the hot dog you just described? I saw a tweet. I saw a tweet about a hot dog. It described it just like this. Long bun, size of $2.00 take together. A weiner, inside it. Ketchup, mustard,

relish, and maybe onions. So I got on a plane I got right over here and guess what, I slurped it down. How long did it take you? I just swallowed it whole. Like you were a sword swallower or something? Yeah, just like that.

Wow. Yeah, just like a sword swallow it. Yeah, that's typically what I swallow whole. Can I, can I... Can I bring up something, Big Sue? Sure. I hate to sort of disagree with your story, or maybe say that you're not being completely candid. The officer?

I'm not an officer of the law, certainly, but I am an officer on stage here, and I require everyone to be telling the truth at all times. And the last time we saw you, you and Werner had agreed to go out on a date. I just find it very interesting that Werner shows up here to Boston to direct the place here madness. That's correct. And suddenly you come waltzing down the street having supposedly... You saw me. I waltzed all the way down.

No partner. Supposedly having eaten this hot dog. No, I ate it. I saw no evidence of a hot dog. I swallowed it. What do you want? Yeah, you swallowed it whole. I'm sorry, you leave hot thaw on your face after you eat it.

I swallowed it, I dabbed with a napkin with a... I just think it's interesting. I just think, you know, I mean... That is a very... I must say it is a very thin accusation to accuse someone of not eating something because you have not seen evidence of it.

Yeah, what you have... Tell me about your meals today, Scott. I've talked about everything I ate today. What did you eat today? I had, well, I had a club sandwich. What did it look like? Prove it. What I do is I start with just a piece of bread.

Square. I like a square cup club sandwich. I'm picturing it. Put turkey on it. Got it. Maybe a little mayo. Whoa. You put the turkey on the meat.

What? You put the turkey? I mean, you, I mean, you put the mayo on the meat. You put the mayo on the meat, not on the bread. I'm wondering. Hello. Do you put the mayo on the bread or on the meat? Is he dumb?

Hello. Hello. I put the mayo on the bread. Okay. He puts the mayo on the bread. He puts the mayo on the bread. Okay, so then what? Any lettuce?

Maybe a little lettuce, maybe some tomato. Accurate. Pop some bacon on top of that. And then? And then, how about another square piece of bread? That's what I was waiting for. But... That's a good sandwich.

I like a square sandwich, but ultimately, I like triangles, because then cut it right down the middle. Well, guess what? I like a round pizza, but ultimately, I also like triangles. Isn't it ironic? Isn't it? Don't you think? Why wasn't that in the song?

I like round pizza, but I also like triangles. Isn't it ironic? What if you could... That's just as ironic as anything else in that song. What if you could make pizza slices round? As round as the pizzas. Ooh, I'd be so happy. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but that's a bagel bite. Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time. Hold on, when pizza's on a bagel you can eat, pizza any time, thank you. But let me say you can also eat pizza any time. There are no rules. You're not a little kid anymore. Eat pizza whatever you want. Pizza for breakfast?

Yes. Pizza anytime. Don't you think if you had like a little thing cutting out circular slices of pizza on a pizza you would eventually have what happens with cookie dough where it's like just a big, almost like those things that dolphins get caught in. A soda six-pack holder.

Six-pack holder, yeah. And then you, but then... They're little beak stuck in there and they can't get out and have sex for pleasure anymore. Why are you fascinated with the fact that dolphins have sex for pleasure? That's all they do. They're just going around.

trying to hump somebody or something or each other. That's all we know about them. That's all we know about dolphins? That's all we know about dolphins. Little else is known about dolphins. We can't figure anything out, but what we do see is that they want to fuck each other and they both go, I love this.

With their little corkscrew dicks. I'm not sure that that's accurate. Have you seen a dolphins dick? I've never gone looking. He doesn't know what's. shape they are. So confident than out a corkscrew. Yeah.

Look, guys, tell me about your date. You guys went out on a day. Fine. It was pretty good. What did you think? I don't know. I mean, we never really dissected it afterwards. I mean, did you have fun with me?

It's true that as soon as the date was over, we agreed to turn our backs to one another. and walk in a straight line away from the spot where the date ended. And I never got back to my hotel.

Really? You were going in the opposite direction? It was the wrong way, but I had to go straight forever. I ended up on this stage. Wow! That is serendipity. I know. It was poor planning on my part. We went for a horse-drawn carriage ride.

Yes. Very romantic. Very romantic. We sat under a blanket. Was that an impression of the horse? Yep. Just to give you, he's clomping like it. Okay, good.

Really setting the mood here. This is fun. This is fun. Feels like you're there. Yeah, wow. The handsome cab took us to a park where I had laid out a picnic dinner. We were to dine under the stars. Yes, it was very cold and wet.

Like your rugstore. Exactly, just how I like it. I wanted her to feel at home. Yes. What kind of picnic dinner does a Werner Herzog lay out? I mean, it's... Ordinarily? Yes.

It would be a simple meal of... flat breads and tonic water but I knew that Big Sue had a very specific dietary requirement

and so we had pizza it was really good pizza It was round. The base. The base was round. The base of it. I started as a dough, I would say, but it became a crust.

Then there was a red sauce. It was a marinerara. Some cheese. With some cheese on it, melted. Some melted cheese. Then I thought of perhaps adding a meat, either a pepperoni or a sausage. Maybe.

But ultimately, he went with none. And it was great. We both picked up the pie, and we just bit until we kissed in the center. It was disgusting. Our mouth. Our faces were so full. We were covered in sauce.

It was burning our cheeks. It was a piping hot pizza. I got third degree burns. I think I'm permanently scarred. Only second for me. I was lucky. I didn't want to say you look like Freddy Kruger right now. Thank you, yes.

My tongue is like... Not in a good way. Oh, no, no. Fuck you then. I mean, I don't mean buy your shirt right there. You know, some people are sexually attracted to Freddy Krueger. Do you know that? That's very true.

Really? What is that symptom called? Freddy fuckers? Any Freddy fuckers out there? See? Very common. He fucks you in your dreams. It's amazing.

Anyhow. burned ourselves horribly. And then after that, we took a nice walk. We stood outside a movie theater, and Werner described what he believed each movie to be. And that was lovely, and very free, which was wonderful. What were the movies that were playing? This was this week, obviously, so...

Jungle Book. I described the animals tearing each other apart. Yeah, it made me cry. Yeah, really did. Captain America's Civil War. I described the futility of human beings with superhuman powers, not taking the responsibility to crush humanity under their boot heel as they probably should. And what was the third one?

The third one was, oh, Zootopia. Yes, pretty much the same. as to jungle book. But with extra cages. Yeah. Yeah, they're in the zoo. Yeah. Is that part of Zootopia?

I haven't seen it. Are they all in a giant zoo? I've never seen it either. But you know what? I think they just mean animal world. They should just call it animal world. Like it's Utopia, but it's Zootopia. It's a fun play on words.

I just got it, I think. Yeah, I think you did. Before I was like, what's a crazy made-up world? It works, though, because the idea of a utopia is so absurd that it makes sense that creatures who live in cages would consider themselves a perfect society. Well, so this is romantic. you, you know, third degree burns.

Yeah. You have movies described to you. Yeah, it's very nice. As her faces were still bubbling, just a little bit. Yeah, it was very painful. Very painful. But, but, Werner, you did not become a Freddie fucker that night.

I'm not fucking, I'm not Freddy myself. No one who fucks me is a Freddy fucker. Do you understand that? I really resent that. It is perhaps an unfair conflation that you are making. I understand I have hideous burns over my face. And you're wearing a plaid shirt? Okay, so sue me.

To be fair, as a film director, I must point out, Freddy did not wear a plaid shirt, he wore a striped sweater. Yeah, you know what? Close enough. I thought that as well. Would you like to direct a reboot of that? I would love to.

What would Werner Herzog's Port of Call your dreams be? It would be, of course, bad lieutenant, colon, port of call, Elm Street. And everybody would be a burnt-up monster trying to visit the dreams of one person

who is unable to fall asleep. Torturous You get it It's tough So you guys just parted ways after that Or are you Well no We walked into the buck

We talked about our lives a little bit You talked about your lives really Talked about childhood a little bit Childhood You get to know each other I don't really know anything about your childhood It was bleak as fuck Yeah

It was pretty bad yeah Yeah, wow. Yeah. But, you know, we're not on a date. Wait. I have to be on a date to find out how bleak your childhood was. Yeah, I share that with potential lovers. So I know how needy I'm going to be in bed.

God, I'm needy. And, Werner, did you share any details about your childhood? Just about the carnival bell? What happened if I just walked up. It would be an interesting experiment. You got somewhere to go? I don't, no, I want nothing more than to get to the bottom of this. I mean, what went wrong?

You, it sounds like an intimate experience, you know, you've suffered tragedy. No one said anything went wrong except for you. Wait, but you guys took off in opposite directions. It was a first date and I'd like to consider myself a gentleman. Yes. And I'm not a fucking slut. So there's that. So there's potential here. Oh, yeah, for sure.

We hit it off There's plans for a second date Well I haven't been asked yet Um Cue the music Big Sue Would you Would you do me

The honor of accompanying me On a second date When this song gets to the chorus, I'll give you my answer. I patiently await that moment. And a word all to you. Dook do you. I don't know. I can't understand it.

I think it's stuck between stations. It's almost tight. Yes, I'll go out with you. Yes, I'll go out with you. Thank you. It's good. Man, oh my gosh. It's very good.

I'm excited. I feel good. I'm excited. Where are we going to go? The sky's the limit. Cool. Is that like when you're watching The Bachelor and that's like the heading of the day card?

I got a letter from Werner. The sky's the limit. Love Werner, written by a PA, obviously. and beautiful feminine handwriting. I think we're going to go climb off the side of a skyscraper, like a typical date. We will probably go into that space program's storied vomit comment where we can experience a weightlessness.

I don't want to go in the vomit comment. You know, I have a really bad stomach. I for sure I'll be I'll explode all over you I'm really Is it because Exclusively eat pizza and hot dogs

Yes And hot dogs are a new addition So yeah It's changing up the game Have you ever thought about Slicing up a hot dog And making that the meat On your pizza

It's just salty protein Mmm salty protein Salty protein Oh, I thought he was gone. Yum, yum, yum. Hello, I'm James Gordon, and on my new show, This Life of Mine. I sit down each week with some of the

the most fascinating people on planet Earth. From Dr. Dre to Julianne Moore, to David Beckham, to Cynthia O'Revo, to Martin Scorsese, to Jeremy Renner, to Denzel Washington, to Kim Kardashian. We talk about the people, places, possessions, music and memories that made them who they are. These are intimate conversations, full of stories that you've never heard before. This Life of Mine premieres October 21st, wherever you get your podcasts. No, you know, I never thought of it. I actually was never interested in hot talks until today. Well, yesterday when I bought my ticket.

But, yes, so it's a new idea. I will do that. Thank you. Then it's a date. We will make pizza hot dog pizzas in the vomit comet. That sounds so disgusting. I can't wait. Yes, I got another date.

too. All right. Well, I look forward to tracking this as it goes. I look forward to tracking this romance. Yeah. As it goes along,

maybe I'll catch up with you guys on another night of the tour. Cool. That seems very unlikely. I mean, we're in this city now. Why would we be at another city?

I don't know. I'll ask you that. I'll think of an into now. Do your homework. All right. Well, we do have to get to our next guest, though. I hope that's all right.

You guys can stick. around here. Thank you. He is a, I guess, an entrepreneur of some sorts, or maybe he's just an employee. He works at a little town called Longo's Watch Repair. Please welcome the Timekeeper. Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock. Of course, of course.

Yes, hello to you too. TikTok, yes indeed. Tick-T-T-T-T-T-I, yes, the very timekeeper. Nice. A million greetings and salutations to you, and to me from you. Thank you. We didn't offer them. And I appreciate it most thusly.

I appreciate you taking me out of the greeting responsibility. Really, full service, 360 there. Yes, it's nice to be eliminated from the equation. Maxwell, Maxwell Keeper, of course. It's great to see you. Tis I, yes. And you, I told the people a little bit about you. You work in your brother-in-law's watch,

My brother-in-law, Desmond Longo, Longo Watch Repair in Tallahassee, Florida. Right. Just down the coast here. Tis indeed. You can just agree. You could nod. And I did so verily. Thank you for wearing your cloak here, your ceremonial cloak.

I shan't leave home without it. That's beautiful fabric. It's a velvety midnight blue with a starfield lining. That is gorgeous. Is that custom? Yes, custom. My sister stitched it for me. You're getting, uh, uh, you're, you have like dollar signs in your eyes or something like that.

Yes, I see a future for my company. I could use my wet carpets to make cool capes. There would still be like duty capes, though. Okay. It is. What is this? Shark tank? What is this?

Snark tank? Whoa! Very good. A cutting jive. Maxwell... Tis I. Yes, yes, yes. For those who don't know you,

and it seems like a lot of people out here are fans of yours, you're known as the timekeeper. Yes, I celebrate an observant. the passage of time. And yet when we first met, I thought that you were a mythical creature of some sort.

Oh, some would say I would. To a fruit fly, my life seems infinity. But to a man, they would know that I am 32 years old. And you're, you still have your V card. I've been,

known to keep it about me. You're a virgin, huh? Yes. You never met somebody that you're interested in? I've met millions I've been interested in, but none reciprocated. Oh, that's sad. That's sad.

What is your approach when you find someone in which you're attracted to? How do you approach? I say, what's your favorite time? That's a weird way to start. You know, maybe you want to, like, you'll get up to a girl or boy, whatever you like. and kind of just say, like, hey, nice to meet you.

I think you're very good looking. Well, I'm sorry. I'm trying to follow the golden rule. Which is? Treat to others as you'd wish to be treated. I wish someone would come up to me and ask my favorite time. And you've never thought about changing your approach even once? No, for when I find my love true, I shall know she or he is the one.

So you're just kind of keeping it Completely open Yes That's great Till my soul merges Twixt another I mean it's sweet You don't know the gender

Of someone that you may have A lot in common with like that It's true and wiser words Ne'er been spoken What about the other timies They were all interested in time I speak not of them anymore Okay

They turned on time, in a way I would never. All right, all right, all right. We don't have to talk. Oh, okay. Oh, all right. Tears, tears form within me and plummet forth. Your tears are falling within you? They form within me.

Oh, they form. I'm sorry. I can't quite keep up with your Shakespearean speak. Tis very normal, think, sigh. Maxwell, what kind of food? Would you like? I mostly have TV dinners. I like to just put them in the microwave and enter time.

That's nice. Do you like pizza? It's around like a clock. I've been known to cook a red baron or two. Gotta love a dollar pizza. Oh, yes. It reminds me of cardboard. Which I love.

Why? Because watches come in cardboard boxes. Yeah, you... Like, you thought they were all going to say it. I thought they would all say it. Yes, I was lit down greatly. I really want to ask you again why you like cardboard. Why do you like cardboard so much?

Oh, I'll tell you. Because watches come in cardboard boxes. That was satisfying. You convinced me. That felt good. So, and I hate to ask you this, but what are you doing in Boston? I'm visiting. I'm visiting

all the famous clock towers I went to the custom house clock tower today Oh up yes I wanted to see it up close so I went to the very top and looked at all the gears

and I reached in to feel them and I got sucked in and started going around and as I was moving about within the gears a school group on a field trip came up one of the children said

Look, tis akin to modern times That might be your soulmate That could be But he's underage So I don't play ball Well then And word spread And all different tour groups came

And elderly couples Arms around each other's shoulders Would say, oh remember when we saw that film On our first date and kiss while I was spinning all through the gears. Getting hurt. None would help me. They thought it too jolly.

I'm so sorry. That sounds like a nightmare. I'm so sorry. Twas it a nightmare or a very dream come true. Tis not for me to decide, but the designer above. Timekeeper, I have a question. Yes. You enjoyed being sucked into the gears of this massive clock?

It felt, have you seen Superman 3 where the woman merges with the computer? Computer, sure. In those moments, I felt as if I was merging with Clark. My essence was becoming that of time, and time was becoming that of me. So how'd you get out eventually? A dog bit my cuff and pulled me out. What is a dog doing up there? It was a watchdog.

Yes, yes, light's up. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Truths true to the last word. Dog? Yes. Well, that was Lucky. Oh, yes.

Did you say Lucky? Yes. That was his name. Oh, really? Wolf. Did he become your dog, your property? He ran off, but I get the feeling we'll meet Lucky the Watchdog on a future adventure. I think that's safe to say.

Yes. If I remember to write it down. I'm sure people will be tweeting it at you. That's true. Tis hall out. You can always listen to the recording for a reasonable fee by subscribing to howl.fm. Oh, that's the noise he made as he left. He said howled out of him.

Speaking of that, how'd you sleep by his night, Scott. I slept great. I was on my favorite mattress. It was not, I mean, there was like 10 inches of... How many layers of cooling comfort? Was it named after a lady? Oh, Lisa? Yeah.

Oh, like Lisa Simpson? Yeah. No, I have a... Or Lisa Porsche. Oh, that's right. Lisa Porsche. Would that I could meet. this dream vixen someday.

You're taking off. I wish that I could. What if your butt was a rocket? T'would be a jovial time indeed. Anyway, Lisa is a sponsor of the tour. We want to thank them. They're great. They're helping us out here.

So thanks to them. And what, okay, so we've determined what has brought you to Boston. The Clark Tower Tour. Right. You've talked about one clock. Well, that's the only one I've come to see in Boston. How long are you going to be here? Until the morn, at which part I shall depart.

Yep. Back to Tallahassee? Back to Tallahassee. Yes. Taking a greyhound. The boss. Okay. We know. I didn't want to think you were cheating on Lucky.

No, no. You rode a greyhound All the way back to Florida I thought it I thought it a possibility But t'was prohibitive In terms of cost And cruelty

Do you ever travel Outside of your time zone Or do you like to keep it in the same Oh My very dream is to visit Every time zone And on earth and beyond Oh

How many time zones are there I always get confused Because there's You know the four that we have here There's the four But beyond that is open for debate. Some say 24, some

26. I know a mouse who says nothing on it at all. Does the mouse say anything about anything? I've heard him squeak at this sight of cheese. I love cheese.

Oh, yes, that's good. But in a very specific way. Melted. On? On a round... With what in between? There we go. Red sauce.

Red sauce. What do you think about pizza? Well, I enjoy it. It's in the shape of a clock. Yes. I've oft called a pizza joint and said, can you put the pepperonies in the shape of a minute hand

and an hour hand? And they say, no. like okay then I'll just make a red baron at home really that's why don't you just adjust the pepperoni's when it comes to you they say many other mean things to me besides they'll call me back to keep the conversation going I say have you not better things to do

and they say nay nay we do not thusly have such better things They talk just like you? No, I'm paraphrasing. Of course. Sometimes I don't know whether to feel sad for you or to feel sadder for you. My life is wonderful. I live in a world where time exists, where you see it past moment by moment, second by second. by day. That's partially

why I came here tonight. I saw your love of time led you to putting two times on the poster for the show. You couldn't settle on just one. No, you misunderstand. We have two shows. Two totally different shows. Hmm, tis a lesson

for me to learn. For future time. What is your favorite time, by the way? Have I ever asked you that? I have many favorite times. Mm. 3 p.m.

Hmm. Why is that? School would let out and the beatings would cease. The time I went to Epcot Center with Desmond for the entire day. So it could be like a specific time or just like that time I did that? Precisely.

Cool. Have you ever heard of the mighty. morphing power rangers? Yes. Time possesses a similar morphing power. Neat. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. Yes? Don't tip over. I almost did. You want to explain the fact that time is morphing. Yes. And you brought up the mighty morphin.

Yes. They're not the mighty morphing. Yes, they are. They're the mighty morphin. Oh. Tis but an apostle. like the one at the beginning of the sentence I'm speaking now.

Did you have another favorite time? Me time. I have a question for the timekeeper. I shall answer it. How did you feel? about the television program saved by the bell which featured one of the characters

being able to manipulate time I thought the title was false advertising so I didn't like that part meaning that you don't think things are saved It was rarely a plot point that they got saved by the bell I expected every episode to culminate in such a moment

where school would end right at the club point of the show? Yes, or Quasimototype would be attacking them and a giant bell would knock him from his perch. So, you would have accepted any interpretation of the phrase saved by the bell. How will it be interpreted this very week?

But as for the time stuff, yes, I enjoyed it greatly, if only I could manipulate time. What would you do? I mean, if you had those powers, and I'm not saying you don't, because how would I know? I would relive every moment I've ever spent with Desmond. Your brother-in-law. I love him so.

He runs the water repair store. Yes, I know. You love Desmond more than your own sister? My sister is very capable in my eyes, and did stitch me this cloak. In exchange for me to stop bothering her. But Desmond shares my love of time, always fixing watches. Does he share your love of time, or is it just his job?

We speak not of it, but seems understood between us. So you would go back and relive every moment, and how much time do you think accumulated if you put it end-to-end? How much time would that be? Oh, well, probably, let's see. It's been about 14 years I've known him Okay

And how much time do you Like how often do you spend with him a day? As much as possible And how, what's possible? Up until they say Go to your own bedroom And then When I wake them up with breakfast in bed

Every day? Yes To thank them What do you make them For breakfast in bed? I mean like pancakes Pancakes? Pancakes, yes

decorated to look like clock With bacon as the hands, I would imagine. Bacon, yes. And eggs, because a rooster helped make an egg and roosters wake people up, they know the time. They're the alarm clock of nature. This is true. Lose connection to time, yes.

Do you feel like your sister and her husband get enough time alone without you around? They off say they do not. But I can't help myself. I love them so. Aw. Hmm, yes. Poor little guy.

Do you speak of the mouse who seeks cheese? Why do you have this mouse, by the way? He lives in my wall in a little hole that he cut out. That he cut out? Well, I believe so. It looks like the classic mouse hole. You don't think the contractor did that? to be funny? He was a funny contractor.

You should have him on this program. I'd love to. What was his name? I'd love to have him on at some point. Brutus Cassius. I'm going to have him on. Okay, you should. The funny contractor.

I'm sure he'll have a lot of puns about contracting. He might, or he might have spent them all. Earlier in the program? Yes, indeed. Well, fantastic. I mean, Werner, he's a fascinating fellow, isn't he? I mean, as a maker of documentaries, like Grizzlyman and... Grizzlyman.

I would very much like to make a documentary about the timekeeper. I wonder if it might, in the manner of capturing the freedmen, start as a documentary of one thing, but then become a documentary about the contractor who purposely builds holes for vermin in a house. I can guarantee he never made me play leapfrog.

Like in the movie. Yes, everyone understands. Everyone knows they're capturing the Friedman references. Yes. love to play leapfrog with a funny contractor. I would love nothing more. Really?

Yeah, leapfrog gets me off. Oh, yeah? Maybe Werner, I mean, that's something to kind of put up in the old spank bank, or... Or whatever you call it in Germany or wherever you're from. It's the same. It's the same. The Deutsch spank bank. Do you find, I mean, do you find, uh, uh, me funny?

Yes, I think you're a very charming little guy. Thank you. Always kicking your legs out. Yes. Maybe you have some friends that, uh, who am I talking to? You think I don't have any friends? No, but maybe you have some people that you'd like to set Maxwell up with. Oh, you're interested.

Uh, who likes time? I gotta think about that. Yeah. See how any friends who are interesting. Which of your friends have expressed interest in time? Well, actually, I have, you know, I'm an older woman, and I have a lot of friends who feel that time is running out for them. Is that someone who might interest you?

Yes, you know, those are the people I feel are most in need of saving who think time is limited. They don't realize it until he be here forevermore. Oh, yeah. They'll die, but time will continue on. Yes. Oh, yes, yes, they will perish, and sooner than they might expect. That's very cryptic.

He says taking a turn. Well, it's true of us all. I see. Do you find comfort in that? The fact that once you are gone, time and we'll just continue to go, I mean. It's the only thing that brings me comfort. Wow.

Maxwell, I, you know, He's so eager. What do you see out there for you? Like, if you could see the future, what is your ultimate future? You know, what's your five-year plan? Where would you like to be? I suppose I'd like to be working

in my brother-in-law's watch repair store. But you're already doing that. Exactly. My life is perfect. But you obviously want to find someone like, Lisa. Like a Lisa Porsche, yes. To share my life with and my love of time.

Together we can grow old together. And then when the universe stops expanding and starts retracting and we live all of this backwards, we'll grow young together. But now you... You are not an immortal? No. I'm 32 years old. All right, everyone.

That's our show. Paul F. Hopkins, Lauren Lapkis, Neil Campbell. I'm Scott Augerman. We love you, Boston. Thank you. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser

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