Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Chicago 2016 - Part 1

Episode Date: February 26, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from The Athenaeum Theatre - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Werner Herzog, Lauren Lapkus as Big Sue and Mike Hanford as John Lennon. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

If I may speak on behalf of Lauren and Scott. When we started this podcast, it seemed like we had to figure it out all on our own. Scripts. Every episode is scripted. Set up. Every episode is a setup. I don't expect it to happen. And then when I get there, you know, I get arrested.

Filming schedule? Oh, the filming. We have to get up early to put on all that prosthetic makeup. That works. It was super overwhelming. and every day seemed to introduce a new decision that needed an answer. Mostly every decision was, should we keep doing this?

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Availability speed and coverage varies. Additional items apply. See mintmobile.com. Freedom! Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to another episode of Freedom. Now we are still on hiatus. Me and myself, rather, and Lauren and Paul F. We're all currently enjoying our sun-drenched vacations away from each other. But what we're doing while we're on hiatus is we are re-releasing live comedy bang-bang episodes from 10 years ago.

This was the 2016 tour where we all became fast friends and we all hung out on every show together and traveled together. And it's the reason we started the show, Threatom. So we're re-releasing some of these classic episodes from 10 years ago. And today is no exception. We have a great one today. Now, this is 2016 Chicago Part 1. This was the 7 p.m. show in Chicago. This is at, yeah, in Chicago.

And this is the first of two shows that we did in Chicago that night, which seems crazy to do two shows in one night. But we did it. We were nuts back then. We were in our teens. We had so much energy. Who's going to be in this show? Now, if you've never heard comedy bang bang, I'll explain it. It is a talk show where I am the host as myself.

And then I have comedians on playing characters. And Paul and Lauren were on every tour. episode of this year other than Lauren was not in Australia. No, she was in Australia. She didn't go to the UK. That's right. But, boy, we're getting off track. Anyway, this is in Chicago, so who cares about the other dates, right?

So this episode, we have Paul F. Tompkins. He's playing Werner Herzog, legendary film director, Werner Herzog. We have Lauren is playing Big Sue. So these are two classics, budding heads up against each other. We also have Mike Hanford, who was opening for us. He comes on as John Lennon, John Lennon from the Beatles at the end of the show. So this is a classic. We always bring it to Chicago, and this one I think you're really going to enjoy.

Now, if you want to hear more Comedy Bang Bang Live episodes, become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com. We have all of the Comedy Bang Bang Archives ad-free, including every live episode we've ever done, everything from this tour and every tour we've ever done. And we're going to be back with new episodes of freedom sometime in the near future. We don't know exactly when, but it's coming. Until then, enjoy this episode of Freedom. Chicago! Yes! Beautiful.

Illinois. Is that a thing people say? Oh my God, look at this. Beautiful, beautiful theater. Hey, Flashy. Got to do this first. Hold on. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuck had to quickly dispose of any evidence linking him to the murder of a local lumberyard owner? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Not bad. Thanks to Papa's on the Papa's son. Is there a big hole right in front of the stage?

Did no one think to warn me about this? This is fucking terrifying. I don't know if any of you have ever been on stage before, but you can't see anything. It looks like I'm looking right at you, does it? It's like, hey, hey, hey, how's it going? I don't know who the fuck is out there at all. I just noticed this,

And I ran out on stage. Ooh. There are alligators and shit down there? Weird. Thanks for coming to the show. Chicago, we love it here. Truly, a great comedy town.

What? No, I'm not even going to encourage it. We love it here. We just came from, what do you call it, Minneapolis. Why would you be a fan of Minneapolis if you were here? Do you just like randomly yell out about any city? Lodi, California! We drove in, we got here right before the show,

and it took us longer than I expected, partly because we left the hotel in Minneapolis and I turned on my Google Maps. A little shout out to Google Maps. Sure. And we were driving through Minneapolis for about 45 minutes to almost an hour, and I was like, are there no highways in Minneapolis?

What is going on? I was just taking surface streets and like every three minutes stopping at a really long red light. I noticed I looked down at the Google Map app and I had it on pedestrian the entire time. And then I noticed it was supposed to take me

five days and 14 hours to get there. A lot quicker after that once I... But this is a wonderful, wonderful town. Fans of my balcony recaps, there looks to be one balcony, is that true? Very nice. Also, by the way, I don't know if you've ever driven from Minneapolis to Chicago, but you will see, at bare minimum, 45 dead deer along the highway. And some not even dead.

Some just, like, looking up as you drive by, just saying, Please kill me. It is a horror show out there on the roads. We have some, we're traveling around the country with some great people. We have some nice people in the audience out here. I believe one person whom we are traveling with her family is here in the audience, I believe. So, and they are not stoked to be here. Could have told me you're having issues.

Murphy. Murphy Group. Well, that's great. Try to have a good time. Plan on being very confused about what's going on up here. That goes for any of you, really. I'm sure there are a lot of significant others here who have been dragged here. This is my favorite thing.

Try to have fun. Try not to say something weird to us after the show. A lot of weird people. Not weird, like a lot of genuinely wonderful people that we've been speaking to, but then like a lot of strange backhanded compliments. The strangest one was the dude. I don't want to blow up the spot of the theater, but an usher at one of the theaters,

we finally did, you know, we met all the fans and we signed all the stuff, and it was late in the evening. I think it was like 12.30 at night or something. We were just walking back to the hotel, and one of the ushers joined us walking out and said, and for some reason he was sweet.

I don't know what it was. Oh, I almost said this in the city. Oh, boy, no. But this is in the South. It's strange to have a Swedish guy. And he joins us and he says, Nice show, guys. Started really slow, but got good by the end.

And then I hand to God, we went like this, and he took off like a shot and jumped into a convertible. sports car, started it up and drove off into the night. Like that was his job or something. It was so crazy. Anyway, try not to say anything like that to us. We're going to have a good time tonight. Are you guys ready to have a good time? Get this show going? We have a few guests, some people that we've had on the show before. We happen to meet them up in town and meet them up in town. It's starting already. Let us please welcome.

our first guest, he is, he works within the milieu of film. Please welcome the director, Werner Herzog. Very close stools tonight. Don Cachean. Scott, if I may be so, you are whipping me with the microphone cable in the manner of Indiana Jones. I, for some reason we have talked about Indiana Jones

during every tour stop this year. Is that so? I don't know why. I never tire of analyzing film and the tactics of its heroes and this Indiana Jones is a curious character because of course

he is the hero and yet he is a rampaging murderer. It's true. He could have that guy with the swords, he could have tried to apprehend him. He could have walked away. He was very far away from the fellow with the sword.

He could have just turned right around and said, I don't want to fight. Also, why did Indiana Jones not join the war effort? He was clearly an able-bodied man. Who loves killing Nazis. But we needed, I suppose, America needed its archaeology professors back home. Yeah, he hated snakes, I imagine like you. He hated nature.

More than Nazis, apparently. He could deal with there being Nazis in the world, but cannot abide a snake. So, Werner, it's so good to see you. It's good to see you. I feel like the last time I saw you was in Boston Mass. That sounds correct to me. Where did you park your car there? I'm always interested in, you know, people's parking situations in other states.

Well, before then, we had seen each other in Los Angeles, California, and I will. say that I did not park a car in Boston because I had my phones GPS set to the wrong instructions and so I was forced to walk from Los Angeles to Boston. You realize that's just a suggestion. It's not the app forcing you to do what it is. I feel as if it is up to us to obey the commands of these little computers because What adventure awaits us if we do so. Do you feel like the computers are going to soon be sentient and rise up and take over the earth? I pray that this is the case.

Why is that? You don't like humanity very much. I don't like nature. I like humanity. I like being a human being. But I do despise nature and I wish we could get rid of it. What is your perfect ideal setting when you walk outside? Like if you didn't have to look at a tree. Do you remember those commercials for the Macintosh computer where it would be two people standing in a white void? I wish those two people would get out of the way.

Obstructing the view. Precisely. Well, fantastic. How many were... would you say are in your vocabulary? 25? Great? I feel like I use great a lot.

Is there a word that you have that you use constantly? Someone vomited up in the balk. Probably despairing. Does it, when you're on your phone, does it auto-correct? Every single time. Sometimes I would like to say to someone, Hey, would you like to get some dessert and it autocorrects to would you like to get some despairing?

And does the person kind of know what you mean? By this point, yes. Who are you texting? Like, what is your life like? You know what I mean? It seems like every time I see you, we talk about work, we've talked about, of course, the Goodwill Hunting remake. Is that still happening?

It's still in the mix. But, you know, we never talk about your personal life. you know, of like, do you have friends? I've never seen you with him. I have many friends. Of course, one of my greatest friends is no longer with us. The madman Klaus Kinski,

who was my friend and nemesis for many years. I put him in many of my films, and on one occasion he tried to bribe the natives of a foreign country to murder me. But the joke was on him because the natives came to me,

offered to kill him for free. Is that how he died? Did you take them up on it? I should say no more about this. We'll move on, we'll move on. So, do you have a new project in the works? I mean, you're always up to such interesting things. You have, you know, several Port of Call movies that you've gone through. That's correct.

The Port of Call series keeps churning on. I'm very, I'm glad you asked because I'm very excited to announce that I have an online film school that is going to be available to the public? I read about this. I read something about this. I may have not clicked on the link, but I saw your name in a link.

Thank you for your candor on whether or not you clicked on the link. I will certainly take that under advisement as I continue to live my life. What I mean to say is I don't have any of the info that I would need in order to sort of nudge you along the way here with your story, Thank you for your nudge offer, but I already know my own story, so it is unnecessary. It's an online film school.

The ideas that you could go online to my film school and learn how to make films online. I don't know what else to say about it. That's the setup right there. It's an online film school. Do you teach classes? Do they watch videos of you? Yes, they will see me via... live streaming, teaching classes and archival videos.

And I feel that anyone who wants to make a film can make a film. And there is very little that you need to know. I, for instance, I say that storyboards are for cowards. If you are meticulously making little drawings to say, I think this should happen at this moment. You are not being brave enough to live in this world. And perhaps you should go. take a hot bath with

bricks in your bathroom. That's such an evocative phrase I've never heard before. It's the closest I could get from the German phrase. I see. You don't have a word for it here.

Which word did you substitute? The bricks, the bathrobe, the... Well, it's a concept. I see. It's like Shao... How do you say that? Schaude Shadenfreuden.

Yes, the joy in the despair of others. Right. Is that something that you take part in? From time to time, I am only human. I believe everyone does at some point or another. What matters is whether or not we stay in that place, whether we wallow in the despair of others, whether we can only get our glee from others' pain, whether or not we are putting a bucket filled with water over the door jam so that somebody opens the door. and then the bucket of water falls on them,

or if we are watching the Home Alone movies for the wrong reasons, because what you are supposed to be watching that film for is to see a beautiful reunion of a family, not this cruel, sadistic boy, who somehow his brain devises these insane tortures that he does to these grown men. What do you think,

what do you think Kevin McAllister is doing as a grown-up. Is he like torturing? I am certain that he is dead. You may ask me any character from cinema, I will tell you if they are alive or dead. Oh, this is good. Really?

Fantastic. Gotta go with Tron. Tron is alive. Tron's alive. Yes. Why do you think that? He's very good at Light Cycle. Keeps up some exercise with that light cycle. It's

You're thinking of the light cycle as an exercise bicycle? Yeah, well, it gets, yeah. It's the lights. Doesn't he take light cycle class? Have you seen the film Tron? I believe I have. The light cycle races are races to the death. They're not so much somebody playing sweet 80s jams while everyone sweats it out on their light cycles.

Maybe I'm forgetting. It could be. Let's see. Okay. How about Uncle Remus' Song of the South? That's a tricky one. He is sealed forever inside the Disney vault. It's true.

He is neither alive or dead. He is a Schrodinger's racist movie. How racist is it? You'll have to open it to find out, but you can't open it to find out because no one would let you see it. Hmm. As long as you can't see it,

It's not that racist. It didn't happen, in other words. It happened. What is your favorite film of all time? And you can't say one of your own. You can't say, what was that one you did, Bear Man? I feel, I think that you are referring obliquely once more to the one film you seem to have any cognizance of my having directed, which is to say the film Grizzly Man.

Grizzly Man, that's right, that's right. Yes, it is. I already knew that it was right. Grizzly man is about a man who... Why don't I stop you? I have to know, what do you think grizzly man is about? Here is my honest opinion, using context clues, of licks I have not clinked on, about grizzly man.

He is a tightrope walker at the circus. Okay, I'm right so far. I will render my judgment after you have finished. Oh, okay. And he's got a real slippery rope because someone waxed the rope in the morning, and they're supposed to wax it at night

so that it hardens overnight so that when he gets on it, it's like a real smooth but hard-taught rope. But they waxed it at night right before his performance. So he gets up there and he's like, And that's all backstory that we know about. That doesn't happen in the film.

Fade in. This guy, this modern day Goldilocks, he's got real long hair, long blonde hair, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful man. He is best friends with 85 bears. And in the end, he finds one that's just right for him, and they fall in love. And they get married.

What is so impressive about what you have just said is that not only have you completely misunderstood what my film might be about, it seems you don't have a firm grasp on the story of Goldilocks either. That's fair. She did not sample 85 bowls of porridge or try out 85 beds.

How many does she have? She had... Three. Of everything. She was in a... She broke. into the home of a family of three bears. Hence the name Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Did she...

Is her name meant to imply she's, like, good with locks? Like, that's how she broke into the house, or what? Do you remember when you said that this Goldilocks character in your film had a beautiful, long golden hair? Sure, like locks of hair, yeah. I think it's that. Oh!

Got it, got it. Shall I tell you what Grizzly Man is truly about? I would love to finally figure this out because I've heard a lot about it. It's a touching story of wish fulfillment. There is a young man who wants something more than anything else in the world, and in the end, he is able to make his wish come true. Sounds amazing. It's like a modern-day Pinocchio or something like that.

Certainly, it lacks a Jiminy Cricket character. Some might argue that was me. Do you sing in the film or? All of my singing scenes were cut for time. Also because it was a documentary, it seemed inappropriate. What were some of the songs that were cut out? I would love to hear some. Give us maybe a glimpse of the theme song.

Once there was a boy, a very special boy. He had a wish to see a bear from the inside. Those are some short credits. You asked for a taste, not the whole thing. That's how you get me. Every time. So, so you've obviously directed all these movies.

Obviously. I'm struggling here, Verder, because I don't know your work all that much, but I love hanging out with you. You seem profoundly incurious about it. After all the times that we have met, you have never decided to maybe check out a trailer or anything. And then when I am here, you say,

I don't know anything about your work, but you never actually ask me any of the films that I've directed. You sort of refer to Grizzly Man in a different oblique way every time. And you don't seem to retain the knowledge of what it is truly about. I know you did Port of Call. That's not the full title. Port. Nope.

Louisiana. was it? It starts with a person. Nicholas Cage. His name is not in the title. But the character is in the title. The character.

Henry Chafall. Let's say yes. Great. Henry Chafall. Port. Henry Chafall, Port. That's correct. So you're a master of film. from these films.

Grizzly Man, Henry Chafal, Port. So who better than you to teach online filmmaking? Exactly. What I like about it is it only involves the computer.

It does not involve a desk which is made of wood, which is made of nature. And anyone can do this. They do not need to plan anything. All they need to do is have a desire to make a film

and what I tell people is my students, I tell them, all you need to make a film is right in your life. You must have an insane best friend who tries to drive you mad and maybe you want him to be killed. If you're making a documentary, you must insert yourself into the proceedings as much as possible. And if someone is a mentally ill person with a death wish, make sure that you get them in the light.

So those are the three things. So that's, it's almost as if I've taken your course right now. You don't need to click on that link now. Woo. Thank gosh. How much is your course? It's a reasonable amount of money that I think everyone will have no problem with. Meaning, $10,000.

$10,000. Yes, you must have a pay. PayPal account. That's like Trump University money. That's... But what would you learn there? I guess how to be a cool dude and...

I never really figured out what that was about either. It depends what it is. You wish to learn. But I wish for people to learn how to make films and it's online. So I wish that computers will learn how to make films on their own. And I wish that computers would learn

how to simulate human beings and then to replace us. You look forward to that day. That's so interesting to me because, you know, I am just in abject terror of that happening. You know, like human beings to be obsolete? I mean, you know, what would we do? Well, obviously, we would be a slave to the computer masters and do their bidding. What do you think computers would want us humans to do? plug them in

install software updates actually click yes on would you like to install the software update because I'm not doing that well with that so far always try me again tomorrow you are like the wimpy of computer software updates wimpy from the Popeye verse

yes that's correct he would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today I remember I'm pleased I mean if we didn't plug them in then we wouldn't be slaves anymore you know

that's correct so we must keep plugging them in you want to be their slave I want to be a slave to computers do you think that they'll like sort of like in the movie X Machina is it have you seen that film I've heard about it what do you think it's about

I think it's about a man who is married to a machine then they get divorced and to distract himself he takes a course in Latin maybe Greek I'm not sure I'm not sure Greek I think maybe yeah I think it's Greek well it's about

it's about computers that look like human beings and they come out you can't tell if someone's a computer and then the one dude starts going oh my gosh am I a computer and he like tears his face off, and he's like, oh, I'm not a computer, and that's exciting. It's exciting when he turned out

not to be a computer? Because he tore his face off for no reason. It was like, oh, no, now I have chunks of face in the sink. Was it just a terrible fantasy as depicted in the movie Poltergeist, where a fellow sees a hunk of meat

crawling across a kitchen counter, and then he has to go into the restroom, and he pulls his own face off? Face Off? I don't know, I haven't seen that. You have not seen the film Polter Guys? I've not seen Polter Guys.

Is that one of your favorites? You've mentioned two Spielberg films. Is he someone you admire? It was until I discovered he uses all those storyboards. What do you think of Jaws? That's like the ultimate man versus nature movie. I like the ending. with where where what where Richard Dreyfus like turns to Roy Shider and a little bit before that

where they're like hey you got to shut down this town and a great deal after that that story that he tells about where he got his scars keep going I mean they blew a shark up at one point bingo I can see why you like that yeah it's pretty obvious right yeah it is what do you think of uh Spielberg's latest works. You got the terminal. The terminal is wonderful because of course it's computer errors that keep this fellow staying

in the terminal. The computers have granted him a home in this airport. All he wants to do is listen to jazz and it's almost like the computers don't like jazz. The most human of art forms, jazz. Yeah, you get it. Like if he wanted to go

to an EDM festival, they would probably be right this way. Well, good luck with your online course. Thank you. Sounds amazing. Good luck to you with your ignorance of film. Can you stick around? Is that?

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Quint.com slash freedom. Well, you are going to be very interested, I believe, in our next guest. Is that so? You have a little bit of history with her. On a couple of the tour stops, you met her in Los Angeles. I think I know who you mean. Who else did you meet in Los Angeles?

I'm being coy. I know exactly who you know. Okay. She is an entrepreneur. She has a business called Carpets and Rugs down there. Please welcome Big Sue. Big Sue, everyone. Oh, yeah. It's nice to be here. Thank you.

It's great to see you, Scott. Bernard. How are you? Hello, Big Sue. Wow, the tension is palpable here. Last you guys saw each other, you had gone on a date. That's the last you know about it. Yeah. Yeah, we went on a date.

Yeah, he texted me a lot after that. It's true. I love texting. Yeah. You don't do it while you drive, do you? Never. It can wait. Is that driving you crazy if you send a text and you don't get one back for like 25 minutes? It drives me crazy.

I just go nuts. I just walk around and circle. in my apartment going, is he even going to write back? I love that guy. Oh. You love... Well, I didn't mean it like that. How did you mean it? I like him a lot. I'm fond of him. I'm excited about where this is going. Yeah. Now, you guys struck up an unlikely romance. For those of you who don't know, Big Sue, tell us about your business just very briefly. Okay, well, I have a store called Carpets Rugs down there. It's a carpet store. It's a

rapidly going out of business due to the fact that my toilets are overflowing constantly and causing the rugs to be wet. And people don't like a wet rug. Apparently they don't want a wet rug. But they're covered in duty, so come and grab

these rugs, please. Serious problems. But it seems to me like you've abandoned the store and you're traveling around the country. Well, I'm in search of good meals, you know. I met you in Boston where I got a great hot dog. And here I am in Chicago, the home of my favorite food, pizza. That's right.

Now, they love their pizza here in Chicago. They're very, very proud of it. Yes, they are. You have certain parameters for your pizza. Here's what I like in a pizza. I like a round pie, a crust. And then I like a tomato sauce, usually a red sauce, something like that. Some cheese on top, melted.

Yeah, and maybe pepperoni, maybe some sausage. I don't know. That's what I want for me. But now here in Chicago, Uh, isn't the pizza square or is it just deep? What is it? It's deep, right? They got a deep dish.

They got a deep dish. It's a round dish. It's a round, okay. Yeah, they cook it in a round dish. Right, but now you usually like a thin, you like a thin crust, you say. I like it, I like a thin crust. And then guess what? I like this, I like the sauce to come on top of the crust.

Here they put the sauce on top of the cheese. What the fuck? I don't know how the fuck to swallow that shit. But I'm here to try. I mean, once it goes in your mouth, you know, then it's easy to swallow. That's what you always say. Come on, Big Sue. I'm sorry, you say.

You don't have that kind of relationship. You always say that about pizza, what? You're a freak. Have you tried any of the pizza out here? No, I haven't had a chance yet. Werner here told me he was going to take me out after the show to get a slice of pizza. After the performance this evening, we were going to go out and get a slice of pizza together. It's very romantic.

Were you going to Lady in the Tramp that shit? One of my least favorite films. Really? Why? It has sentient animals running around living human lives and the human beings around them not only don't seem to notice, but cater to them

the one foolish fat chef who serves them in spaghetti and meatballs. He might as well be a traitor to the human race for what he is doing. Can you imagine dogs being in charge of the world and how they would run it? Nothing would get done. It would be rough, I think. Saying it would be very difficult.

Yeah, it would be bark. So you guys are getting one slice? No, that's your idea. You said you're getting a slice. I'll get a slice. We'll grab a slice. It's how you say casually about pizza. I don't know if you eat pizza often, but we pizza eaters.

Say, let's grab a slice. But now, correct me if I'm going to grab a slice. But now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you usually eat a whole pizza. I usually do. But now when I'm looking to get some, okay? Because take me through the process of what happens when you eat the whole pizza. I immediately shit for days. For days.

And this is why your toilets are backing up. Yes, so are flowing. They're backing up. I use them again. And again, what do you want? What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? Help me.

I think she is genuinely asking, I really don't know. Where do you go? I go in my own toilet. Every person owns at least one toilet. Right, right, yes. Every person owns at least one toilet. Yes.

True. It's a nice idea. It is. Can we get there as a country? I don't know. A chicken in every pot. Chicken in a pot. And that pot is a toilet.

So, you guys have gone out on dates since I saw you last. Yes, we went on a date, yes Yeah? What did you guys do? This is incredible. I mean, I don't know that in the history of Comedy Bang Bang, I don't know that any guests

have ever fallen in love before on the show. Usually someone comes in, they're really strange, then another person comes in and is strange in a different way, and you guys really hit it off. It was fantastic to see. Has this truly never happened

on your program before? I don't think so. Wow. Well, we did go out on a date I took Big Su to one of my favorite places. It's a bereavement park. Okay. Now I've heard of an amusement park. It's like that only. It's an abandoned amusement park. And the attraction is, you point out all the people that have died on the various rides. It was a lot of fun. Sometimes they will put skeletons in the roller coaster for effect.

And after that, we took a walk around a sense. cemetery, and we laid down in some new graves. These were graves that had been freshly dug. Yeah, I guess it was a funeral the next day, but we tried them out, and we held hands. It was nice. Pretty good fit. How did you hold hands in two different graves? That checks out.

Yeah, it checks out. These were shallow graves that perhaps were in the halfway point in being dug. Or were they burying people in shallow graves as like an insult? or something. I don't know if that's a service you can get at the cemetery, but it certainly should be. It should be. It should be.

If you didn't get along with your dad and then he finally dies, say here's 500 extra dollars. Put him in a shallow grave. I want raccoons and opossums to get at him. So then, of course, we get to that point in the evening where you either part or... you stay together what happened

well he took me to my apartment and where is this apartment by the way what city is in Los Angeles so you guys traveled back from Boston to Los Angeles and now yes the commitment to it I love it thank you so much guys

and I locked my keys inside so he pushed me through an open window I had and he touched me during that and it was part of the push but that led me to want to invite him in so I opened my door and I asked him to come inside and we had some milk

some milk after a nice meal of pizza we split a gallon of milk we split it lady in the tramp style we poked two holes in the side of the gallon and slurped until it was empty it's a little easier to do it on top that way you can pause

now you tell me It was easier for us to gaze at one another over the top of the milk jug. So that's why we did that. And is the only physical contact you had when you had that cushion for the pushing? Or was that the only time you guys touched or was there more after that?

Man, you're a freak. You want all the details. These are very private questions that you're asking in front of an audience and into microphones. I'm sorry, but I mean, you know, this is the kind of thing that the audience is interested in. I'm certainly just the audience surrogate, right? Yeah. All right.

Well, do you want to say it at the same time? Of course I do. We had sex 12 times. We had sex 12 times. 12 times. Yes. It was once an hour. hour for 12 hours.

And he filmed the whole thing for his school as a lesson. That's what he told you? I'm going to put our sex tape online for my students. He told me I could get free tuition to his school. I'm very excited, actually. I would love to see a film that Big Zoo would make.

Yeah. What if Big Sue, if you could make a documentary about something, what would it be? Pizza. this sort of taking people through the steps of how to make a pizza. I would just love to do different, like, long shots of pizzas around the world. And maybe I talk over them about why I like them. You know, just, like, describe the pies.

Would they be different types of pizzas? Ideally, they'd all be round pies with, um, some red sauce or tomato sauce. Some cheese melted on it. I like that. Maybe some pepperoni, maybe some sausage. I don't know. If I want meat that day, I don't know.

But yeah, something like that. At one point when you're ordering a pizza, do you call the audible on whether you have pepperoni or sausage? It seems very late in the process. I pretty much just wait until it's going into my mouth, and if I want pepperoni, I ask him to throw some on really fast. And I do make someone put it into my mouth. You too?

Yeah. I don't want to touch the thing. Yuck. You're touching it with the inside of your body. That's fine. Big Sue told me all about this restaurant that's a type of place called a baby restaurant where they feed you the food into your mouth every step of the way. They cut your food up for you. And if you want, you can have them coax you into eating it.

And you sit in a big high chair so your legs dangle. It's great. And do you pay extra for, you know, to say, no, I don't want to eat it and they punish you and make you sit there until you do? Are you interested? You want to be punished? Why am I the freak? You're the one who introduce him to the restaurant.

I'm just asking questions about it. When did you start going there? I've been going there since I was a baby. It's primarily four babies, but we made a deal with them, so... They're very loyal to their customers. It's a restaurant four babies. This is a very simple. concept. Parents

sometimes they want a night off from being a parent and so they go out on a date, they drop their baby off at the baby restaurant where the babies can be with other babies which they enjoy. Do the babies dress up? Do they dress up for dinner? They're dressed as babies.

The waiters and waitresses are dressed as the parents of the babies. And so when you make a reservation, you are required to send a JPEG of yourself and your and your co-parent in a representative outfit

and then the waitstaff will go back into the vast closet of parental costumes and pick out a fitting simulacrum So this building is mainly like a warehouse for costumes

Yeah, mainly primarily Yeah and they do it for adults too They dress up as my parents and his parents And they did everything just like we asked so it was lovely. Really? So all four of your parents were there?

Yeah. Sort of, yeah. Represented, yes. Right. And are your parents still with us? No. I don't think so. And how was that to see them again?

That must have been quite a shock. It was, you know, it was a mixed bag of emotions because on the one hand, I was very much enjoying being a baby for a night and having everyone taking care of me. and moving my head away from the spoon at the very last second. Here comes the airplane. No, no, nine, nine.

And then, but of course it was emotionally devastating to see these young people in my parents' clothes trying to look up German phrases to say to me, to get me to eat my schnitzel. Right there, Snitsil, that's one. That's one. Were you tempted to have conversations with them that you always wanted to have? Like, you know, this is like seeing people from the past and, you know.

Well, I was put into the mindset of a baby, so basically I just would cry or gurgle. If that counts as a conversation, then yes. And Sue, were you crying and gurgling, too? You and that? Yes, I often do that, yes. At what point do they snap you out of it? Do they say, hey, you're not in the mindset of the baby anymore? They carry you out to your car,

and then once you're in the driver's seat, it's up to you. I'll tell you what, when I saw the check, I certainly snapped out of it. Thank you again. You're so generous for paying for dinner. It was... My blue. It was worth every penny. Well, this sounds like an amazing day, 12 times in 12 hours. Was it...

Was it on the chime of the clocks? It became that way, yes. After we realized, I think about the fifth hour, we realized we were not going to sleep anytime soon. We said, let's keep setting alarms. And see, we can time our orgasm to the stroke of the next hour. Is this too much for you? Is this more information than you wish to hear?

It's not that kind of a show, Werner. Sorry How is the sex? What do you like in bed? Geez. There's some nice people out there in the audience who want to hear this kind of thing. It was great.

Yeah, thank you so much. It was great. You know, the way he was, he's very tender. He kind of acts like a big gummy-bearing bed. Like a gummy grizzly. If you wish. A gummy man, yes. So he's tender and he's loving.

He's very loose and fluid, yeah. I'm squishy. Yeah, he's squishy. Fluffy. Yeah, he's fluffy. You wouldn't have known it, you know, he doesn't let it on. You know, you can't really tell what his body's like, but, yeah, very, very squishy. Yeah, it's wonderful.

I slept on like a little pillow, yeah. Uh-huh. You slept on top of Werner? I had him horizontally at the top of the bed, and I slept on his stomach. stomach vertically, like a letter T. And that was great. It was restful for both of us. And then

the alarm would go off and it was time to get back at it. Wow. This is amazing. Well, it sounds like a fantastic date. Yeah, it's fantastic. And if you'd like to go on another date, we'll pay for it. Wow. Who's we? The show. The show's going to pay?

Do you know what we could use after that marathon session of lovemaking a new bed. Yeah. That's a great point. Do you need a new bed or just the... Well, the bed frame is fine. The bed frame's fine, but you...

Here's a big problem. The door to my apartment is shaped like a pizza. Okay, it's round. A regular mattress is not going to fit in. It's a round door like you see in the Hobbit. Did you buy one of the houses from The Hobbit, the movie, just because the door was shaped like a pizza?

Yes, and if you recall, I'm almost seven feet tall, so... Oh, I'm looking at it right now. It's an issue. I just scoot in on my ass to get inside. If you are ever in need of a hairstylist, I think I know someone who could accommodate your height very well. Oh, good, oh, good. This Gregory James person we know, yeah.

Maybe one person knows who the fuck that is. I think literally one. But, well, you know, I have, look, There's a million different solutions of your problem, but I know of one. Oh, good. There's, let me ask you, this pizza-shaped door, could a square box the size of a mini-fridge be shoved through that? Yes. Yes.

I can vouch for that because she has a mini-fridge by her bed, so yes. Yes. You have a mini-fridge by the bed. What do you keep in it? Let me guess pizza. I said loo, but you talked over me. Well, thanks for clarifying. You have a mini fridge just stocked with lube.

Ice cold lube. It was very refreshing. After a hot, sweaty love-making sush, just put on some ice-cold lube. Yeah. Well, let's talk after the show, but... But what are you going to give me? What is this? Well, our friends at Lisa, the sponsor for the tour,

Lisa mattresses, can hook up. you up with something. Oh, good, yeah. I'd love that. We had to throw the bed out. So many bugs on it. Wait, as a result of what you guys did? I suppose the vibrations

that we caused in the mattress invited unwelcome guests in the form of a thousand swarming insects. You know her toilet is broken. Oh, yes, that's right. You live at the store? Yeah, I live in my store, yeah.

Do you live in your show? I guess so. Have you ever seen me outside of it? No. It all adds up. Well, great. Where would you like to go on your next date? Wow, that's a tough choice.

I want to go somewhere fancy this time. Somewhere really upscale, you know. And nowhere anyone's recently passed. Oh, that's a toughie for me. Nothing springs to mind right away. Do you have any suggestions? Maybe like a concert or something. Maybe like someone fun like a kona pop or something.

I love it. I don't care. What about a concert by? I think this would have both of your interests. There's a band you may like called Chucky Cheese. Oh, wow. Yes, I love that band. They're amazing artists.

I've heard of them. Forgive me. I don't mean to be. a wet blanket covered in insects, but aren't they comprised entirely of animals? Anthropomorphic animals. Anthropomorphic animals. Yes?

Animatronic. Audio animatronic. Sold. You just said the magic words. So animals that are machines... Robots mocking animals, I'm in heaven. Do you ever find yourself scrolling through headlines, especially health headlines, and just thinking, that can't be true? Well, I certainly do.

2025 brought us some ridiculous far-fetched health claims and some especially terrifying changes in public health. What's in store for us in 2026? I'm Chelsea Clinton, and we're back with season two of my podcast, That Can't. can't be true. Follow along and catch up on season one wherever you get your podcasts. Very good. Okay. You guys go on that date and tell us all about it. That sounds fun. All right, very good. We need to get to our next guest if that's okay. Can you guys? That's fine, yes. Big Sue, can you stay? I've absolutely nowhere else to go. Heard that before. Our next guest, he's, oh, wow, he's in the arts as well.

Oh, wow. He's a musician of note. Please welcome John Lennon. Okay, hello. How are you doing? John. Oh, I'm in a great mood. I am just flying high tonight. Really?

That's right. Tell us all about it. Now, for those of you who don't know, John Lennon, describe what people would know you from. Well, I've been on your podcast a few times. But before that, you were famous for it. Oh, well, you know, you might see me on the street. before that

I was married to a woman I was dead and right before that I was one of the guitarists of the European rock band called the Beatles we called ourselves the Beatles and everyone you know follows

so wait wait wait wait wait people were not calling you the Beatles and you said okay we'll stick with it right well we came up with the name you know to call ourselves the Beatles it's how most names catch on you say, I am this person, and then people address you as such. Right. It's simple.

Why did you call yourself the Beatles? I've never asked you that before. Well, you know, you know what the Beatles. Well, we kind of switch the spelling of it a little bit. From what to what? I mean, I know it's... From two E's to EA in the middle. Mm-hmm. You know why we did that, because we had a very special member in the band. Who kept track, you know, the beat for us? And we would play our songs to that.

That's really the simplest way to describe that, what he did for us. So you guys wouldn't write the songs first, and then he would figure out a beat. He always figured out the beat? Right, my friend Ringo would come in and say, Oh, you so, okay, I didn't know if anyone had heard of our band. Okay, you probably know what I'm talking about.

Well, he played the drums for us right in the back. drums, sure. Drums, oh my God, we loved him. I did, I know I do. He's your best friend, still. Still, yep, to the end. And then some more. Yeah, what is the end to you?

Nothing. You've already died and come back to life. Right, and if I die again, I'll do that again. When I want. How many times do you think you'll die and then come back to life? Oh, hopefully, no more times, because I don't like going into the ground. But as many times as I have to, you know.

These guys were in the ground the other night. They were holding hands. Yeah, it was really nice. I heard a little bit about it. We didn't find it so terrible. Well, then you might like to stay dead. Oh, we're not dead. We're not dead, John.

When you do die. When you do die. John didn't stay dead. He didn't like, that was the primary reason you came back to life. You didn't like the ground? I didn't like being. I love the ground. I like standing on it.

But being in it, I didn't like as much. Are you telling us, John Lennon, that when you die, you retain your consciousness the whole time, and so when you are put into the earth, you are aware of being in there? Yeah, right, I didn't like being in there. I was asking a question. In so many words, that's how, yes, that's how it is.

So there must have been a whole process where you are taken to the medical examiner's office and perhaps they fill you with embalming fluid and they sew your mouth shut and your eyelids and you say that you retain your consciousness through that whole process? Right. And thumbs down?

For me, yes. But some people enjoy it and they like to stay down there. Sleep for them. What? It's sleep. Death is sleep to some. Oh, the poetry. I know.

Do you suggest that people don't get cremated then? Because... Oh, you could do that too if you don't mind the heat, but if you want to come back from that, the ash particles find themselves and... What? Well, the ash particles find themselves and you're back alive.

If you want. Oh, meaning that the ashes all coalesce back into a human being... That's right. That's exactly what I mean. Oh, okay. Oh, that's interesting. Yep. Wow. Okay.

So now, obviously you're back to life. Right. You know, you're here. Wait, I have a question. Yes. What about fillings? For your teeth? Yes.

That's the one thing. If you are cremated. Right. You can't get your fillings back? You can. You'd have to go to a dentist. It takes a bit more time. That's why I didn't want to be cremated.

So you say you're in a... You say you're in a good mood. I'm in a great mood. That's what we started with. Is there a reason for that? Yeah, I'm going to in a great mood because summertime is just around the corner. And I, in summertime, I go crazy. I love it.

I have an absolute blast running around my neighborhood squirting everyone with my squirt gun. It's great. You know, you stay up all night. The sun never goes down, it seems. Your mouth is sticky all day long with popsicles. It's so great. All right, two things. One, you're excited because it's around the corner.

It's not here yet? No, it's coming up in a month. Lock your calendar. Okay. What I do on my calendar on my wall is I put a big sun on June 21st thereabouts. But number two, don't you think it's insensitive of you? A person who was killed by a weapon, a gun. Okay.

To be going around shooting a fake gun at people? No, because I have such a fun time doing it. And, you know, people enjoy here. You know, everyone gets involved. I'm not the only one, but I see where you're going with it. Who else gets involved? This sounds fun, though. Well, you know, Ringo, of course, is around.

Ringo's out there shooting squirt guns. Right. He and I, we're a little team. We terrorize our whole neighborhood. But everyone loves it. There's John and Ringo being, you know, scamps across the neighborhood. Who else gets involved?

JFK, as I told you, who lives in my building. He came back to life, obviously, yeah. Right, Elvis did not. Jim Morrison, do we talk about him? He did, but I don't know where he is. But I'd like to squirt him with us again. What about Andy Kaufman? Did he ever, I mean, people think he never even died.

Oh, yeah, no, I think he did. That's what I think. I do have it all written down somewhere. You know, anytime someone famous dies that you can go to a registry and you'll just look it up. You can look up who is actually dead and who was merely

dead for a time and then is no longer so. And it's always updated but it's always a hardcover book so they have to keep reprinting and reprinting it. I don't make the it's, yeah, it's antiquated for sure. What do you think of Ringo's new sketches commercials?

We saw these the other night and we were so fascinated by them. I've seen him. I was on set for that. You were. Did you direct it or? No, I was just there visiting. He said you can get anything in one of the craft service table, but just don't, don't, you know, embarrass me. I almost well, because I, during one of the rehearsals, I jumped out in front of the camera and said, hey, look at me, look at me, I'm alive again. And Ringo said to me, first of all, you're not, don't do that. It's very unprofessional. And don't you not want people to know you're alive? I said, very good point.

So I said, you know, trash that take. John Lennon. They rolled on rehearsal. Go ahead. Do you think that you could... Thanks for clarifying, by the way, that they rolled on rehearsal. Right. The one bit of logic that was outstanding with that story.

I didn't want to, you know, have someone come up to me after the show and said, you know, you said that they was a rehearsal. Sure, sure. No, good tying up the loose ends. Do you think you could get Ringo to reverse you? his ban on autographing items and returning them to people

that requested an autograph because I have something I very much would like him to autograph. Isn't that terrible what he did? It's terrible, although he was mitigated somewhat by him wishing us peace and love, but...

What item do you want him to sign? I'd like him to sign Big Suze mini fridge. Yes, please. The mini fridge filled with lube? Yeah, that one. Werner just really got attached to my mini-fridge when he was over. He loved it so much.

He just wanted me to talk about it, show him how it works, open it up, show him all the features. I had never seen a fridge that small before. It's like a regular refrigerator, but miniaturized. Sure. You found that it worked pretty much the exact same way that a normal-sized fridge did? Yes, it kept things cold. It comes in a box the size of a Lisa mattress.

It's good. Lisa? I think we got to Wookiee. Whoops. So this is... Well, this is exciting, John. Summer's right around the corner. My God.

The Summer of Love, you remember that one? Yeah, a little bit. I'm more interested now in the summer of, you know, doing a slip-and-slide. Do you hang out with a lot of children? Well, I don't seek them out, but when you put up a slip-inslide in Central Park, the children find you.

I'm clear with the parents. Everything's fine here. I'm an old guitar player for a band. Oh, yeah, I think I recognize you. How are you doing? No pictures. I'll write you a song later. I'm going to slip and slide.

And watch out. Squirt with a gun. How many songs have you written for these people? You keep promising to write songs. Well, a lot of time I'll say, hey, oh, you want the song? I'll do it for you a little later. And I never see them again.

But if they say, no, I demand it right now, then it's, I got to come up with something quick. Yeah. Well, you know, I've never demanded it, but I would love to hear a song that you've written for me. Okay, well, here's something I've been working on for the new Whistling Pete album. Whistle and Pete obviously is your alter ego. Right, it's my country western album. I'm going to finish.

I promise each and every one of you, it's going to get out there. Which one do I want to do? Okay. There's an old horse tied up in the barn. Do you know his name? No, we don't. Go ask him Give him some oats

And he might just tell you the same. What does he say? Nay, nay, I'm a talking horse. Second verse, if that horse does buck, you'll fall on the ground. I'm kidding, I don't have any more. Good joke, though. Yeah, it was good.

I mean, you know, as verses go, not bad. Not bad. And I do like the subject matter, but it's a little plotting. It's a little slow. Why don't you sing it faster? I could do that. Go ahead. Oh, sure.

Oh, now. Oh, yeah. You remember it, obviously, because you wrote it. Right. No, now I'm starting to think. Maybe I don't like the lyrics exactly, so I'll change him just a bit. Adjust, sure. Right, just a bit.

There's a whole sit in the bomb, do you know his name? Maybe it is Jake. I don't think so. Who is, by the way, who is saying I don't think so? Is that the horse saying that? No, that's the whistling Pete Band. The pricklers. So this is like a call and response kind of thing.

Right, but I'm just filling in for them now. You said they couldn't come on stage, so. Right. Keep going. Oh. Can we take them out to pasture to eat? You have reverted to the original time signature. This part of the song gets a little slower.

Because we wanted in the music video, you know, the sun to be setting. The song slows down as the sun sets. In real time? No, no. We still need to work that out. Do you know where a saddle is? We keep it in the barn. We keep it in the shed.

And if it's not in there, it's on my head. wear it as a hat, a cowboy hat. Whistling Pete, wears a saddle as a hat. Thank you. Thank you. Look for the album. It'll be out.

That's a pretty major change to the lyrics. Wasn't it? My God. Well, it was about a talking horse, and suddenly it's about a crazy man. Well, you know, it's about a man who wears a saddle on his head. Yeah, we got that. Yeah, anyway you slice it.

It's a little strange, the behavior of him. But the original version that you sang moments ago was about a talking horse. That's right. And that seemed to be the focus. And you said you would change the lyrics ever so slightly. Just a bit. Just a tiny bit.

But it seemed as if everything had changed about the song. Although the barn did make a reappearance in the second version. Yeah, the barn isn't going to be, it's going to be in most of Whistling Pete's songs. And he keeps the saddle in the barn and in the shed? Right. What we were going for there was,

you know, if it's not in the barn, it's in the shed, if it's not in the shed, it's on my head. If it's not there, check the shed again. We keep a very, you know, cluttered shed. It can only be in so many places, in other words. Right. Right. It's the last place.

I hate that. Yeah. Someone says that to you. I can't find my, you know, a little squirt gun. I was going to go raise a little hell. Oh, it's the last place you look. You're talking about Ringo.

Yeah, he's always saying that type of shit. And I hate it. But I love him. Hate what he says. Love the man. That's a message that I think we can all agree on, especially we're going into this, you know, election year.

Oh, are you voting? I believe I am, yeah. Are you vote? I mean, you're dead. I'll go, I'll go, but I won't vote. When you say you'll go, I'll go to the polls. So you're saying if you hate what the person says, but you love the person, vote for them? No, just, you know, we can disagree,

but we can all love each other, you know? Perhaps you're saying, respect the office, if not the person. Yes? No, I mean, let's get into it. Are you guys going to vote this year? Of course I'm going to vote for my number one, because I'm not an American citizen. No.

So Big Sue, you're the only one who can vote. What do you look for in a candidate? Orange skin. Is this because he looks like a pizza? Yeah, baby. He looks like the orange grease on top of a pizza. I want someone to feed him to me. And at the last second, you're going to call out.

Pepperoni. He is like a pizza if he were a man. He really is. Lovable doughy. Delish. What did you say? Delish. Delish.

Yeah. Oh. Got great opinions, just like a pizza. Do you like pizza, John? Is that something that you're into? Oh, yeah, I love it. Look, I'm struggling here. It's very apparent.

Hard-hitting interview. What do you guys want to talk about? Werner, go ahead. Let's switch places. Werner. Here we go, let's switch. See how easy this is. You get to talk to John Lennon.

You have to like pizza. Don't you want to know if John Lennon likes pizza? Of course, I want to know. But I'm special. John Lennon, if you could have your entire body made of robotics and steal your human head or have a robotic head and still your human body,

which would you choose? Oh, my. Now, wait a minute. A human head and a robot body? All of your body below the neck would be a robotic skeleton. I like that. It would have to be waterproof, but I like it. I would do that.

No questions asked. One question answered. Are you keeping a constant tally? Not really, but I will from now on. So that was... Two question... Two and two. You were very political in your life

prior to this. Are you inspired to write any more political songs based on their current election cycle? I was going to write a song about a cowboy marshal for the album, but it's going nowhere. I'm

having a tough time figuring out the beat. What have you... Just get really. Ringo in on this. He doesn't want to get involved. Maybe sing it to us and we can help you figure out. Okay.

Here's a question for Scott. Oh, great. What's going on? Well, it's funny you ask. I feel like I'm trapped in a never-ending cycle of talking to insane people for the last three weeks. And I go to sleep and I wake up and it's just. It's time to go to a different place and do it all over again. I think we're four for four right now.

Surely you have written a song about this. Coincidentally, that's how it starts. That's the sound of my alarm. Time to put Folgers in my cup. I have sponsors even in my songs. Time to get up and do it again. Go travel around with my best friends. They seem like lucky people

They make me laugh They make me smile Oh no, it's show time Oh God, what are we doing? Gulp The end It's good I liked it

That was good Well let's hear your song John That we were gonna hear Cowboy Martian Oh right Cowboy Martian or Marshall Oh I thought it was Cowboy Martian No cowboy Marshall like a sheriff

Could we hear a little bit of Cowboy Martian as well? Okay, I'll have to switch the lyrics slightly. Okay. Before you start, I don't know that anybody is interested in the exploits of a cowboy on Mars. I just thought it seemed that it needed saying by me. I'll take that because now I have to switch the lyrics just a little more. There's a coyote sitting on a doon. sleeping so soundly.

But he hears a sound of a laser and a spaceship lands right next to him and he meets the alien. Is it, but is it still a cow? Oh, okay, I'm sorry, you weren't done. Obviously, that's just the preamble. Right. As it had no discernible hook.

Right. It was purely informational. Right. Right. Of course. There's an abortion in town and he's got a star on his chest. He's gonna clean this town up from the very best. The best criminals. Thanks for the clarification.

He's got a sick shooter that shoots lasers. And he drinks whiskey that's green. He's my... It's hero. Oh my God. And his skin is also green. Okay. Thank you.

Thank you. He's your hero? Yeah, I live in the town in this one. Well, I think the only person that hasn't sung a song tonight is the one that we want to hear from. Big Sue. Okay. Stand up, Big Sue.

Take center stage. You love making me stand up. All right. Is there a theme you'd like me to sing about? I have one in mine. I just... Okay. I'm winning. I like it round with a little bit of sauce.

Jeez. Now, I have a friend who normally ends her songs once she laughs. But you're not like that. You... No, I'm not. Obviously, I'm going to keep going. Obviously, you're going to keep going. Maybe pepperoni, maybe sausage, if I feel...

up for it. I'm talking about pizza. I'm talking about pizza. Give me a slice. I feel like there needs to be a part at the end where you determine whether you're going to have pepperoni or sausage. That's a good point. Five minutes later after the song ends, you hear me all. Pepperoni!

You would like another song? No, I just, you're in charge here. Oh. I have a question for you if that helps. Of course speaks to anything for you. I'm wondering how one would know if one was robot? This is an excellent question and something that I struggle with on a daily basis. Of course, I have tried to determine if I am in fact a robot many times, but I always seem to not be one. In this movie, Scott has told me about this pulling the face off method, but I don't recommend it because if you're not a robot, you will still need your face.

Isn't there something like the touring question or... What is it? The touring test? Touring test. From the film Blade Runner. Oh, the touring test from life. From life. That's to determine if robots are trying to personate human beings.

I see. And that's why that led to the invention of the CAPTCHA. I'm fascinated by CAPTC. Do you notice now it's just you have to like point at something that says, I'm not a robot? It's so disappointing. I hate that it makes you admit your shame. But how did they, this is a serious question, how did they figure out capture now where we don't have to type the thing anymore?

I think they just got better at software. But couldn't it? Okay, anyway. Someone out there knows what I'm talking about. Like a robot could click the button that says, I'm not a robot. Yes! What robot's using the computer anyway? I don't understand. Yeah, a robot is a computer. He'd have to go.

You'd have to click himself. I think. And robots don't have arms, right? Do they? I don't know why a robot would be trying to purchase Wi-Fi access on a plane. All right, everyone, that's our show. By Canford. Paul F. Tompkins.

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