Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Chicago 2016 - Part 2

Episode Date: March 5, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from The Athenaeum Theatre - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Captain Chesley Burnett “Sully” Sullenberger, Lauren Lapkus as Whitney Peeps and Mike Hanford as Calvin Redding.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right? Yeah. And look at us now. Like, we're all grown up. We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff, and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye, but for the most part, it's about you.

I mean, it's always been about you. From Lemonada Media, alive with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Or you can watch every episode on YouTube. Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here of Threatom. And welcome to another episode or I guess hiatus episode. Paul Lauren and I are still on a break as Ross and Rachel still are. Or are, did that show end canonically with them getting together? I have no idea.

We're on a break and we're putting out some very special episodes from the past while we're on a break. And these are not freedom episodes per se, but they're episodes of Comedy Bang Bang live on stage, which from 2016, which was the tour that Lauren and Paul and I did together. We did all the United States shows and all the Australian shows together, just the three of us along with some special guests. and we're going to hear another one today. Now, last week we heard the first Chicago episode. This week, we're going to hear the second Chicago episode. This one was recorded at 10 p.m. If you can imagine, someone's staying out that late.

And this is the second show we did that night. And who do we have? Now, if you've never heard Comedy Bang Bang before, it's a fake talk show where I'm the host as myself and I have comedians like Paul and Lauren on as fake. characters and this night was no exception we have uh in addition to myself we have paulette tompkins as captain sullenberger one of his classic characters uh we'll get to hear that and then lauren lapkis is another classic character whitney peeps whitney peeps now we also have a special

guest mike hanford who was opening for us doing stand-up on the tour with us occasionally he would come out and do characters he's playing calvin redding calvin redding who i believe is the sales I'm not quite sure. Enjoy this episode. We're still going to be on a break for a few weeks, but then we're going to come back with new episodes soon. But until then, I hope you enjoy this episode of Freedom. Come a Cipat-bye. Come-a-bye. Oh, Chicago.

Come-a-bye-bye. Oh, my gosh, Chicago. Thank you so much for having us back. I have to do this. Hold on. O-up, O-D-up. When I was a boy, all I ever wanted to be was Robocop. But I guess this prosthetic testicle will have to do.

Welcome to Comedy Bang, Bang. Thank you to Shampoodler. Oh, catch-frid. Superstar. Is he here? Catchphrase Superstar. And I'm getting off topic right from the beginning, but I am trying so desperately hard to get Paul Lauren and Mike and me to do a video where we sing Podcast Superstars.

That makes me laugh so hard. Like if we actually meant it, podcast Superstars. God, I wanted to do. do it so bad. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the show. How many of you are at the first show? That's not allowed. Please make your way to the exits. We're having a great time. Chicago was such a wonderful, wonderful city. You guys know that. It's the, what do you call it? The third, what is it? I love it here. Big fan. We passed by some Chicago landmarks on the way in. Is that a thing?

It was beautiful. Such a lovely city. Can I be honest, we are driving each other insane. I'm hearing two laughs. It's true. We had, we finished the previous show. By the way, I never have anything to talk about up here. And I really blew my wad in the first show.

I covered every time. topic. You are getting the chaff. We had our first show. Went great. Met some fans afterwards. Had a half hour in between. And literally all we did was sit in the room, staring at each other, singing variations of Take Me to Church. Half hour straight.

Take me to church. I'm a guy who needs a ride to church. You're a person who needs a ride to church. You're a person who's. has a car, take me to church. Take me to church. Everybody needs one time to go to a church. You don't want to be on your death bed and not have gone to church. Over and over again. No conversation.

What? What? Still waiting. They want me to sing still waiting. We were at a theater the other night. I'm not going to say whether it was a good theater or a bad theater. And after the show, they played, there's this talking head song. Is it Cross-Eyton Painless?

It's the one where he invented rap in the middle of it. Facts are pretty, fax. But for some reason, they played it after the show ended, and then it was on a loop. So it's been in our heads for days now of just, God, why did we do this? We have five days left or something? I don't even know. We literally are waking up in cities going,

I don't know where we are. Someone asked me right before this show, do you know what city you're in? And I went, I don't know. But it's great to be here, Chicago. We're going to have fun. This is the late show, so it's going to go crazy. But I've said that about every show,

and it's never occurred. So we'll see. Boo. Boo. booing immediately. This has been a really fun tour, regardless of what I just said for the past five minutes. First of all, Mike Hanford, big hand for him. I love he did 10 minutes and said, stick around.

Count. Minutes. Well, I guess the show's over. Call the sitter. Coming home early. Take me to church. You're a guy who. owns a thing called a church.

I'm a person who's never been to a church. I'm the ideal demographic for you. We're going to start the show. Can you imagine an eight-hour car ride with that? All right, we're traveling around the country. You guys ready to start the show? This is going to be fun. We're traveling around the country with a great group of people,

and we meet new people everywhere we go, and tonight is no exception, certainly. And this is a person whom I have never met before, but, you know, the word hero gets bandied about quite often. You so rarely meet a real hero, an American hero, in the classic sense, someone who has saved lives. And I could not be more excited to introduce this gentleman. He has saved the lives of many people on a certain plane. Please welcome Captain Chesley Sully Sullenberger.

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da oh this has got to get turned on. Ooh, baby. Hello, this is the captain speaking. There we go. It needed to be warmed up. Sure. Scott, thank you very much for having me on your program. What a pleasure it is to meet you.

My pleasure. My goodness. Should I be doing what you're doing? I'm not used to land microphones. That's better. It's such a pleasure to meet you. I mean, I've been fascinated with, I mean, your story, which, you know... You're talking about, of course, the miracle on the Hudson.

That is what they nicknamed it, yes. The miracle on the Hudson. Describe, first of all, for those people who don't know exactly who you are, and I can't imagine there is such a person out there, but it defies credulity, but let's just see, you know, Perhaps there is one. Just fill them in. Exactly, what did you do?

I'd be happy to do that, Scott. It was January 2009, and it was a routine flight. We were leaving... When you say that, can I interrupt for one second? When you say routine flight, I hear that a lot. Routine flight. Are there out of the ordinary flights? There are.

Where a pilot says, oh boy, this one is weird. There are. Yeah. I'm about to tell you about it. Yes, but you just said it was a routine flight. It started out as a routine flight. I misspoke and I do apologize. It was a flight that began like any other.

On the ground. It's exactly right. We'd only been in the air for a very short time before we suffered what is known as a bird strike. That's not funny. That's what it's called. that's an actual that's the actual term I think the problem is they're imagining birds going on strike

and it's a funny image I tell you what I wish they would go on strike because if this is their work then I don't care for it and whatever they're getting paid to do it it's too much bird strike is of course there are many different birds strike types of bird strike this particular one was a goose

a filthy goose maliciously flew into one of our engines on some sort of kamikaze mission and we were forced to make a water landing on the Hudson River. Now that is unusual because planes normally they land on the ground. The earth. I didn't know we needed to cover the basics of

what's going on here. Hello. Are you a young man or a young lady? We can't see you. Here's a better question. Are you authorized to be recording this show with a camera? What's that? Yes. Oh, you are.

Oh, you are. Oh, good. Okay, great. And that's why you're scurrying away. This is typical employee behavior. Hey, we need you to shoot the show for the theater. Okay. But if anyone calls you on it, run away.

It's a surprise for the people on the show. We haven't told them we're filming the show. Surprise! We filmed you. Surprise. Watch the entire show you just did. We got Doritos. So, yes, that was what they called the miracle on the Hudson

because there was not a single fatality. Everyone got out of that okay. There was one person hospitalized overnight, but that was the worst of it. And what were they hospitalized for, for not death? Extreme vomiting. Extreme vomiting. They just, boy, oh, boy.

Went through eight bags during the whole procedure. That's kind of them to do it in the bag. I suppose it's kind. I mean, when I, I hear extreme vomiting, I just think like, baba, bha, bha, bha, bha, bha, bha, that is extreme in a way, certainly. But this is

much in the way that bird strike is a specific term. Extreme vomiting in airline circles is a very specific term. It describes someone who just won't stop vomiting. A real eight-bagger. It was eight bags before we even landed.

Then the sea sickness started once we were on the water. Wow. So, it must have been hard to land it on the water. I know things are meant to float, but... Not everything's meant to float, Scott. Rocks.

You got me there. Sometimes you'll see one sticking out of the water, but it's because it's... It's a really big rock. Getting late. So, but what I read about the... I keep wanting to call it a case. It's not a case. It was no mystery.

A disgusting goose Scuttled our flight Case closed What I read about it is that It's very hard to hit the water In such a manner that it doesn't Like flip over the plane It's very true

It's a very tricky landing But luckily I went to flight school So we were We were prepared I don't mean that sarcasticly I mean you know this is in flight school You're prepared for every single eventuality They train you for this eventuality

But then you never think that it will ever occur You hope that it won't. But if it does, you also hope that you have retained all the knowledge from flight school, that you're ready to land the passengers safely on the water. And how many flights have you undertaken in your entire career? And I don't mean to say undertaker like, you know, like the guy who, you know, has dead bodies. I know that's probably a curse for a pilot. Can I ask what you're talking about?

I don't know if that word gives you the willies or anything. It's like, I should just... No, I'm familiar with the English language. So I understand that words can mean different things at different times. Sure, okay. Words that sound the same. In context, it means something entirely different. Let me simplify it down for you.

How many flights you do? Okay. I've done hundreds, if not thousands of flights. I mean, it's my... It's what I love to do. I love to fly, and I'm lucky to have that as a career, and I'm looking to have some amazing training. Yeah, where did you train?

What kind of, where did you actually go to flight school? I went to flight school in my hometown. And... Sounds beautiful. It really was. It was, it was a short commute, terrific. I still lived at home. Hey, if you lived here, you'd be home by now.

Exactly, and I was. But flight school was... What did you train for? What was your... training? Well, we trained for everything. You know, there's all sorts of emergency landings that you have to make. There's all sorts of evasive maneuvers you might have to do in case you're going to be approaching a solid object or another craft. We had to spend a night in a haunted house. Spend it... You have to... Spend a night in a haunted house.

Yeah, that's a very common thing for first-year cadets. You spend a night in a haunted house. And a lot of guys, you know, they, and gals wouldn't make it through the night. Meaning they would run out. They would run out of the house. Yeah, because it was a genuinely haunted house. It was terrifying. Right, right. It was very scary.

And the idea, the idea being that if you can deal with the pressures of a haunted house, you can probably do a water landing. Wow. Where did they find a haunted house? Was that in your hometown, too? No, that was not. We had to fly to Budapest for that. It seems like there'd be something more local.

Well, not a real haunted house. This was a genuinely ancient haunted house. Almost a castle. And, you know, we got in there and we thought, well, this is beautiful. It's a wonderful place. Did you not know what was about to occur? Well, it was daytime. We had been told the house was haunted, but of course, none of us believed it because we're rational people.

And then the sun went down, and boy, that house was haunted. I remember seeing a wall turned into a screaming face. That's very typical haunted house behavior. I realize that now, certainly. There was a lot of dripping blood just everywhere. So many shrieks. Clanking chains. Black cats?

There were a few black cats, certainly spider webs. Right. I've heard that I've met a few ghosts in my day, and that's certainly ghost behavior. Hell, if you say so. It was the most profoundly terrifying thing I've ever experienced, and I remember when that filthy goose crashed into our plane on purpose. I remember I returned to my co-pilot trip, and I said, Trip, thank God we're not back in that haunted house, huh? That you're, you're an optimist. Yeah.

Well, I try to be. It's tough, though. There's repercussions because sometimes if we have the cockpit door open and they're serving the first-class people, they're hot towels. All I see is a tiny steaming ghost. I have to remind myself, no, that's not a ghost, it's just a towel. Right. We have a saying in pilot circles. Sometimes a ghost is just a towel.

That can, you know, that can mean something for non-pilots, too. I don't think so. Your problems seem so big, but they're not ghosts. They're just towels, you know? I mean, you can try to do that, but I don't think it'll work. Okay. Hey, Lauren, you know what I was telling myself the other day? That you want to get your finances together?

Were you listening? Yeah, you were talking really loudly. You said, I want to pay off my debt. I want to save for a big goal. I want to feel like a responsible adult for once. I was saying all that stuff. You just copied me. So you were doing copycat of what Paul was saying?

I thought that you were doing a Serino thing where you were telling me what to say. You know what? I was. And it worked. I'm in love with you both. Oh, great. But let's be real. Just tracking past spending only gets you so far.

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That's 50% off your first year at monarch.com with code freedom. Oh my God. Half off is 50% off. Whoa. That's one way to look at it. Hey, Scott. Yeah, Lauren, what's up? I'm very busy right now.

Okay, Paul? Yeah, I have all the time in the world. You know that feeling after you finally... My schedule just cleared up. Oh, never mind, Paul. Scott, you know that feeling after you finally finish a DIY project at home? You know what? Actually, Paul, I need you to handle this.

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Spell it. P-E-S-T-I-E dot com slash freedom for an extra 10% off. Hey, guys, gather around. Gather around, everyone in the town square. Is this one of your famous questions you're going to ask us? Yeah. Okay, I like them. Oh, great.

Oh, okay. And this one's famous. Have you ever started something and immediately wondered, what did I just get myself into? This ad? Paul, you're hilarious, but I need to get this across to you. No, you're right. That was me when I launched this podcast. I launched it.

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when you're trying to get the honey? Metaphorically, yes, but if you do that, if you, look, if you're so greedy for honey that you don't know what size your stomach is and you try to squeeze through a hole, they're not going to help you. Okay. Anyway, what the fuck was they saying?

Their award winning 24-7 support has your back. Their support is award-winning, which is quite interesting. And it has your back. Oh, and Paul, that purple shop pay button, millions of customers love it, and it's proven to boost con conversions and conversations probably with people who love it. I'm always talking about that button and I want to talk about it more. Yeah, less abandoned carts, more sales and to check out that is ridiculously simple.

It's time to turn those what ifs into... Hold on a second, into into into... With Shopify today, sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash freedom. Go to Shopify.com slash freedom. That's Shopify.com slash freedom. What else did you train? What were some of your other training regimens? Oh, let's see. We had to know how to properly dock for in-air refueling.

That's very tricky. That's where other planes will come up next to you and just sort of like sidle up and be like, here, it takes some fuel. It's somewhat like that. I mean, if that helps you to understand it, then yes. Things like that, we had to. Does that happen because you forgot to fill up before you left? That is the most likely scenario, yes, that someone just forgot to fill.

But the problem is a plane is very big and it's very long. And I don't know if you've ever seen the inside of a plane, but there's just a million gauges. So you might forget to look at the one that says how much fuel is in there. because there's so many gauges that you have to look at. Mm-hmm. So it's tough. It's always, you know, we try to remind each other. Like, hey, if I don't remember, you remember...

Exactly. To look at the fuel gauge. Like, we'll be at the bar, you know, and... Certainly the night before a flight, maybe. No, it'll be the right before the flight. Here's... We have a little gag that we do. We get the bartender.

The bartender's... will always give us non-alcoholic drinks, but it's a thrill for us to freak out the passengers. Right. So we'll put them in the regular glasses. Yeah, it's just an old pilot's trick. Yeah. And then we'll, you know, we'll play it up like, oh, boy, oh boy, I sure drank a lot of drinks.

Is that ever backfired on you where they forgot to make them virgin drinks? On a few occasions, yes. But in that instance, what we're required to do is, of course, drop the gag, and we have to make an elaborate show of spitting the drinks out. We yell at the bartender, and we tell him we're going to have him fired. Do you follow through with that? Is the bartender fired in that? No, he's just doing his job. Oh, okay. I mean, people make mistakes. Sure.

But we will make a big show of it for the people, and then we'll go around to the people in the airport bar and we'll say, did everyone see what just occurred? this bartender gave us real drinks, then I have to explain the whole practical joke. And that ruins it for future flights, I would imagine. Well, we ask people at the end, please don't tell anyone that we do this fun trick. Great.

So, you know, so... So there's a lot of... There's a lot of stuff in flight school, just basic stuff. We had to fly a nuclear payload into the sun one time. Into the sun. Yes. We had been told, and this is not,

they don't still do this in flight school, this was a special case, where we were told that the sun was going to die by the end of that week. And so they just got, the government secretly got just anyone who could fly a plane at all to be a part of this program.

to take nukes into the sun to reignite the dying star. And we were very close. We were very close to just flying right into the heart of the sun. And we were all going to do it. We were all going to do it. That was what we'd signed up for. To save the human race. To save the human race.

Sacrificing yourself. Yeah. And then we got a message from... Was it a text? No, it was a radio message from Mission Control. And they said, hey guys, super sorry. but someone's calculations were off and the sun is fine. And so I remember just pulling up on that throttle and...

Just narrowly missing the sun? Well, obviously not that close. I mean, you know, the thing is, you don't get to get that close to the sun before you burn up. And so, you know, we were just kind of... This whole thing came together very quickly. And so we probably wouldn't have made it and had the sun, been in fact dying. We probably wouldn't have ignited it, but we

had to take that chance. Sure. I bet you got quite a sun tan, getting that close to it. I'd say, second degree burns, is that what you mean? It's not as fun, I guess. It wasn't fun. It wasn't fun. Yeah. Wow.

To be fair, it did fade to a nice tan after a while. I thought so. Anything else or was... What more do you need to know about flight school? We've been talking about it for 15 minutes. Well, trying to give you...

I'd like to appreciate it. I try to give you breathing room. I appreciate it. You have such an interesting life. I could ask you so many questions about your past, but what I'm really interested in is your future. I mean, you're this hero pilot. You are a national celebrity at this point.

What do you do? Can you still fly planes, or what do you do? I still do fly planes, and it's my pleasure to do so. But I am taking fewer and fewer flights, because I'd like to start something new, which is I'm going to start writing. Writing? Fantastic. So, meaning a autobiography, I would imagine,

about your life and that miracle on the Hudson? I think I actually did that already. I'm not 100% on that, but I wouldn't be surprised. Sounds like something you would do. It sounds like something I would do, certainly. No, I'd like to write some fiction. I have an apartment here at O'Hare Airport and

Where's that? I'm trying to picture it. Where are the apartments? There's only one apartment and it's mine. And it's right around United Gate 31. Is that the one with that Sparrow's? Okay. Don't blow out my spot. So I'm going to start writing a series of

mystery novels. Mystery novels. Yes, you know, I was inspired by the... That witch cackle gave me a flashback to that haunted house. You're safe here. You're safe here. I hope so. See, I was... You know, one of my favorite authors is Dick Francis, who... He writes mystery novels that always center around racetracks and horses.

And, in fact, I'm not sure about this, but... He's very inspiring to me, because I think he might actually be a horse. I've, yeah. I've wondered that myself. Yeah, I mean, that's a theory. Because you always see a picture of a horse on his books. That's right.

And you're like, did that horse write this book? Is he Dick Francis? Is he Dick Francis? I mean, that's just a theory, but as far as theories go, that sounds good to me. That sounds good to you? Yes. Also, also, horse dick, you know?

I beg your pardon? Horse dick. Why are you saying that to me? I'm just, that's a clue. That's a clue. Horse dick. So you're saying he's sort of hiding in plain sight. Yeah, it's like, it's like he wants us to know.

Well, whether he's human or equine, I'm, I'm very inspired by him, and so I'd like to write my own set of novels that would be all centered around, murder mysteries that happen at the airport. Okay, so every person that dies would die at O'Hare? No, not, no. I think that would be very limiting. It would be, there's so many airports all over the world, so it'll always be a murder at an airport. Okay, so any airport around the world, how many murders actually occur in airports? I can't even think of one that I've heard of.

Zero. it's not a place where murders are happening all the time. I would imagine there's a few attempted murders here and there. More terrorism than just straight up, you know, Clue-style murders. Right. Which is why I think this is a perfect setting because it hasn't been done before.

Right. It must be hard to sneak a weapon in there, like, you know. That's part of the fun. How did he do it? Or she. True, true. Do you have a plot to one off the top of your head here? Well, plots are very difficult.

Because, you know, with a murder mystery, you got to kind of start with who the killer is. Sure, and then work backwards. How is he concealing this from everyone? Right, of course. And so I'm at that stage right now. Right. So you just, you know who done it, as they say.

Exactly, exactly. Right. The hero is a retort. retired airline pilot and they bring him in for these these murders and what is the retired airline pilot's name he's got a fun name it's very it's very heroic sounding but also with a hint of mystery to it his name is charlie stillman stillman burger charlie stillman stillman burger that's correct that sounds good to me. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much. So he sounds very dashing. He is. He's a man in his, I would say, probably his 60s. He's got gray hair, gray mustache. Still wears his pilot's uniform. Everyone loves him.

He's a real hero because he once performed an amazing water landing. They call it a water landing, but it was really, because there's no term for this, he landed on the top of some lava of a live volcano. Not a single fatality, unless you count the 130 geese that he was able to kill. Wow. He killed geese. Yes, he's very highly regarded for his geese-killing prowess. Right, right.

So this is the hero, obviously. That's right. Every protagonist. Charlie Stillman. Stilman. Every protagonist needs an antagonist. Who done it in this book you're thinking of? Well, in the initial novel, and this is a bit of a spoiler,

and much like in the airport bar gag scenario, I'll have to ask you, please don't tell people, because I am about to reveal the ending of my debut novel. It was a wealthy businessman, was murdered by a goose. A goose. That's right. Murdered inside the airport. That's right.

You know, sometimes you're at the airport and a bird will be in there. Once maybe I saw a bird. Right. Well, a goose is a bird. How did the goose murder this wealthy business man? Well, I can't give away everything, but I can't say this. I can say this. You can say this.

I can tell you this. It's not impossible for a goose to get a garret wrapped around its disgusting webbed feet with enough slack to get over a man's head and around his throat

and then if he just flies away in the other direction as quickly as possibly choke that man to death. Wow. This sounds gripping. I mean,

this is a real page turner. I hope that people find it so and if they enjoy that I really hope that they will be on board for more in the Charlie Stillman Stilman Burger series.

Because every single novel that I have planned the murderer will be a goose. Are the other suspects geese as well? No, there will be all sorts of people. People from all walks of life, you know, you'll have...

Sure, a French person. A French person, for example. A Roman Catholic priest. A pregnant. woman. A goose. And Charlie Stillman-Stillmanberger will go around interrogating all of the suspects. He will for

a show, but he knows it was that goose. And the end of every novel, Charlie's sitting down to Sunday dinner. Guess what he's eating? A goose. A fresh goose. Wow. This is fantastic. I can't wait to read these. I hope you enjoy them. I can't wait until every goose is

erased from the planet Earth. Isn't all of nature, though, like checks and balances? Nope. Okay, ask and answer. Look, Scott, I get what you're saying, and I think for the most part, that is true. But when it comes to geese, we have ducks. Why do we need them? I guess I haven't really thought about that.

I mean, it all depends on what they eat, right? You know, like, if they eat things that... They eat the same things that ducks eat. I mean, who cares? Right. Also, these geese, they just have this burning desire to take down planes. I don't know what kind of God would create such a monstrous creature, but geese have declared war on us, and I say enough.

It's time to wipe them off the face of the planet. I'll do what I have to do. At the very least, I'm not going to make it easy for them. And so I'm going to hunt down every goose I could find. This sounds like a side hobby. We haven't been talking about this at all. You're also a goose hunter? This, Scott, this is something I feel very passionate about.

I hate geese. I can't abide them. And I feel that they must be eradicated. So, I mean, I am going to work on these novels. In your spare time. But my main focus is to instill fear in the hearts of every goose on planet Earth. So you want to instill fear,

are you hoping they commit suicide? I thought you were trying to kill geese. I can't realistically kill every goose, but if I can scare enough of them, through, of course, murders, I'll murder geese, but also just shock and awe tactics, just to frighten them, hopefully the word will spread

in their stupid honking language. And the geese will tell other geese, hey, stop flying into planes because they're not taking it anymore. They have a champion. And his name is Chesley-Sulley-Sullenberger. Well, God bless you, sir. That is fantastic.

Thank you so much, sir. Thank you, Scott. For your service. Thank you. Can you stick around here? I have literally nowhere else to go. Great, great. Well, we have to get to our next guest.

That sounds great. And you know what? She may seem a little trivial after hearing your heroic story, but... I'm just a man who flew a plane. That's all I am. Well, she's just a woman. Someone's disappointed? It's a very strange reaction.

Oh, no. She's a woman, but she's a pop star, and that's very exciting. Please welcome Whitney Peeps. What up, Chicago? I miss Peeps, I'm sorry. I don't know why Scott isn't saying anything. I feel like it was his privilege as host of the show to speak first. I was just...

I couldn't take this anymore. I was mesmerized by it. It was... Thank you. How are you guys? Good, Whitney. It's so nice to see you again. It's great to see you.

Yeah, you... Your tour is following my tour. Yeah, it's so strange that we end up being in the same city so often. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, it's so nice. And you're touring with your music? Yeah, my music. I'm a singer, and I'm going around to the country singing, so...

Doing my songs. Yeah, and what are some of the songs that people would know you from? Love you all night long, suck a dick. The first title sounds so charming. The second is like the op, it's suck a dick, too. Suck the dick. Not even like a specific one. Yeah.

Would that make it better? Do you want it to be a specific one? Miss Peeps, may I ask a question? Sure. How are you traveling on this tour? Are you taking a big bus or are you flying by plane? I'm going on like an absurdly large bicycle. Height-wise or lengthwise?

Yes. It's so fun You're in pain My implant is leaking Your breast implant? Uh-uh Your Dereer implant?

No What else did you get implanted? Vigina Find it So you got a bigger vagina? Yeah And it's secreting some sort of Are you sure it's not just PJ?

It's not PJ. It's a blue. It's my implant. Well, yeah, you should see a doctor. I don't, we're, neither of us are doctors. I mean, I'm. Yeah, I know. You said that like it was an insult.

I looked at your wikis, hoping you were doctors. You looked at her what? Wikis. Wikipede. Well, good luck with that. Thanks. You don't seem in any hurry to get it taken care of. It's whatever.

It's a natural lubricant. I think that it's not because you specifically stated that it was blue. It's naturally lubricating me. Naturally. Natch. Original sound effects on rock lobster. Wow.

Yeah. Down. Down. Do you like any modern music? What about hosier? I love hosier. I'm a big fan. Have you ever spoken along to?

Of course I have. Sometimes I'll change the words. Just for fun. You don't say. I'm at that church. Will you come and pick me up? I'm at that church. I turn it around.

It's almost like it's a sequel song where the guy's been taking to church. And I was like, well, you were my ride. I don't know why you would drop me off at church and just expect that I was going to... Church is only so long. I like to think that the song comes an hour later. Why doesn't he go to church with you? Yeah, why does he just drop the guy off at church?

It's like, come inside. Or is he an Uber? It's an Uber. That's the first song directed to an Uber driver. That's right. How modern. Well, Whitney, so great to see you. It's great to see you. Thank you for having me.

Oh, my pleasure, my pleasure. What's been going on on the tour? It's been really good. I've been performing a ton of cities, and I'm meeting so many great people, and, like, getting fucked. Like, by, like, so many cool guys. Is that how you like to celebrate a show?

You like to... Yeah. Miss Peeps, do you have these sexual assignations on your absurdly large bicycle? I've been known to do it in the basket. Is that what you call your implant? Yeah. While I lay over the wheel.

Do it my basket. Yeah. I call my pussy the basket. I call my mouth the horn. And I call my ass the brakes. They're broken. They're broken? The brakes.

Oh. All systems are go. I'll do whatever. Yeah. How do you meet these guys during your concerts? Well, like, during the show, I pick a guy to serenade. Okay, well, let's, how would that work? Oh, cool.

Yeah. Hey, who wants to come up on stage? I'll suck your dick after. Okay. Oh. Okay. What's your name? Hi, I'm John from Oklahoma.

Cool. I forgot. Okay, so I'm going to sing you my hip. song. I'm sorry I was late. Is that it? Is that all part of the song? That's the song.

And then I stay on stage or I would... If you want. Do you want to stay on stage? I'm saying what would the gentleman do? He would... He'd have to go back in the audience. And then I would, before he goes, I would give him my phone and then tell him to tell an usher that he had my phone and he had to return it to me.

Mm-hmm. It works every time. Isn't it your concert? Couldn't you just say, hey, let this guy backstage? They don't let me pick who comes back. Why they don't trust you to do that? They make bad choices.

Are you in some sort of conservatorship? Sorry? Why are you looking at me? Help me out with this. What's that mean? You know what Britney Spears is under with her parents, where they arrange, you know, they make all decisions for her. Yeah.

Yeah, I am. With whom? These two bouncers I met. They fell in love and got married and adopted me. And they control everything, including my money. They control your money. Yeah, I get $10 a day to do whatever I want. And what do you want?

You know? No, I don't. I'm asking you. It's like really simple. Like, basically I use the $10. I pay a prostitute to go pick up a guy. And then when she brings back to the room, I'm in her place. So I chick him.

He wanted her, but he got me. Okay. How high can you go? That's it? Not bad. How many octaves can you sing? 20 million? You don't have the most expressive voice.

You know, it's kind of... Cool. That was a bit of very... a backhanded compliment, if not an outright insult. I mean, you both have very flat, like, even tones. It's very interesting. Well, I have to stay calm for my job. Me too.

They're so calm. Yeah. Yeah, or a freak out. Anything weird happened on stage? I had a seizure. You went into some sort of shock? Yeah, it was, um, my lights are so crazy that, um, they give me seizures. You have epilepsy?

I guess. but the show must go on. So I did a show and then I tell my audience fans to bring wooden spoons. And whoever puts the spoon to my mouth first gets a prize. I hate to ask this, what is the prize?

Well, great. Surprised you didn't come to the early show. I'm not. Well, it's so nice to have you here in the middle of your tour. Yeah, I mean. Thank you. Where are you going next? Let's say it together. One, two, three, Detroit. Oh, my God. Wow, you'll be in Detroit. See you there. Wow, okay. You should come to my show. I'd love to come to you. Both of you are invited. Oh, thank you very much. Yeah. Maybe you could fly us in your plane. You can put my bike on it.

I'll see if I can do that. I unfortunately don't own my own plane, but we are allowed to take the planes out sometimes. for special occasions. Is it like one weekend a month, one month during the summer or something? Like, what is it? What am I saying? I don't know what you're saying or why you're saying it. I said for special occasions, then you started giving me some very specific time frame.

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Cool. We have to get to. Fantastic. And this is really exciting to me. So exciting. You almost remembered it. This is not an easy job. So many of these names sound made up.

Hard to keep track of them. Not mine, though. No, and certainly not your name. Chesley. Sully Sullenberger is a real name. Yep. My name's real, too. Yep, yep.

Yep. Ever had Easter peeps? I have, yes. Those are named after me. I don't think so. They've been around... I think so. They've been around a long time.

Me too. Well, let's get to our next guest. He is an entrepreneur. That's very interesting. He, I believe, is a salesman, and I've already forgotten his name. Here it is. Please welcome Calvin Redding. It's not even on, yeah.

We're having a lot of mic issues. There we go. Oh, hello, everyone. Hi, Scott. Hi, Calvin. Oh. You all right? I'm fine.

No, this is normal for me. This is, what did you say? It's over for you? This is normal. Oh, this is normal. For me. Okay. Sorry, I'm just learning your speech patterns.

No, I know. Nobody gets it the first time. It's all a clogged nasal situation for me. You have a clogged nasal? That's right. I have, well, what doctors categorizes, the worst allergy problem. Paired with the worst job. I'm a hay salesman.

and my God, if it doesn't slow me down, this nose of mine. Sometimes I wish I could just take the whole thing off, start over at the nose. Take your nose off. I wish I could do that. Take your nose right off. Get a new one. Your nose right off. Well, you looked like you were putting it on me.

My nose off. Gone. And maybe a new nose is something. something with bigger holes in it, maybe. Do you think that's the problem? I don't know. The old thing's junked up. Have you tried enlarging your nostrils?

I haven't tried it personally, but I've talked to a doctor, and he said to me, well, we could do that, but I'm really looking into the beginning of this new nose for you. I don't know what the hell he's talking about. I think he just wants to get me out of the office a lot of the time. Because how many more, you know, pseudofed packs can he give me or a Synex, Musinex,

the... Afrid. Killing me. May I suggest something that I've picked up from years of working in airports? Sure. Have you heard of this thing,

emergency? It was invented by a school teacher. Oh, yeah. No, I know. A school teacher? You just mix it in water. Yep, you drop them in. And you drink them down.

You know, that doesn't seem to help at all. But thank you, I really appreciate you. I tried. Anything you can think of at the top of your head, that would be fine. I got so many sprays with me in the back. Those nasal sprays, of course.

So many, it's a suitcase to sprays, so I'll go out with a, to sell hay. It's a suitcase of, you know, folders and things regarding hay. Skimatics and, you know, breakdowns and things like that.

Pie Charts of Hawahey is the best hay. Storyboards. Yeah, storyboards. Rarely storyboards, but... Howahe is great food for animals. Animals can lay on it. They can do everything with it. You have to explain that to your customers?

They like to feel smarter than you know when you're selling something. So that's why. One suitcase. The next suitcase I got is all sprays for my nose. Do you pack clothes? There's no room. The clothes I wear on my body, I layer up. I go on road trips.

I love hay. I use it for all my wigs. We should talk. Now wait a bit. So you wear like eight layers of clothes on your body because you can't fit them in suitcases when you go on a plane? Pretty much. So there I am sweating and snotting all over the place. Oh, you want to sit next to me on a plane?

I have to buy two, three seats sometimes. Do you ever have issues at airport security? All the time. All the time. I would imagine. Because when you hear a rattling suitcase full of nose sprays, what is that? What is going on in there?

It's nose spray. You could tell the thing I wish it was gone. I want to take it off my head. I'm sorry. Are all these sprays? three ounces. Oh, yeah. No, I've had enough

problems over there. They're TSA compliant. Of course, of course. But my whole thing, Captain Sullenberger, is if you have... Please call me Sully. It's my nickname.

Sully. If you have 20 bottles with three ounces, isn't that like one 60 ounce bottle? No, because that would be one 60 ounce bottle. And these are

smaller bottles that are three ounces. But, I mean, isn't it akin to that? Because I mean, you know, it's like, what's the diff? You know, it's just like... Like you could mix it all up in a big bottle. Yeah. But you're not allowed to bring that big bottle, so... What if you buy a bottle

and empty it? After you go through security? Yeah. Well, after you go through security, you can keep a big bottle full of whatever you want. All the little things I brought in my bag and mix them together and make a bomb. Are you going to do that? I don't know how, Sully.

There we go. The system works. Do you see many people bringing in just big, empty bottles through the security? You'd be surprised. Do you work at security? I don't. Oh. You never get down there and get your hands dirty? Well, I have to go through security.

Right. Well, that's good. Myself, and I get to cut in front of everybody. They give you a little latency with the three ounces? I will confess that sometimes I brought five-ounce containers. Wow. He bad. Wow, of what? Pretend liquor, because sometimes we'll do the gag for the past years on the plane.

You've talked about the gag. We did that around the time the movie Flight came out. Right. We were all doing it. We stumbled out of the cockpit, pretended to drink Jack Daniels. Is it true that when you're on a plane, they don't let you watch a movie where there's a plane crash? No, that's absolutely not true. Cool.

That's one of those things I would believe if someone told me out of context. Well, I heard it's because it would spook the passengers too much like that, but we're in. Well, there is a certain logic to that. The airlines don't go out of their way to show films that have plane crashes depicted in them. But of course, if you bring your laptop onto the plane, you can watch whatever you please. Sure, sure. Yeah, obviously that. I don't watch anything in my house

that has something bad happening in a house. You must have hated the money pit. Yeah. I've never watched any movie set in Canada. What do you watch? Well, surely that's not all to your story. I really have a story going, per se, but yeah, If anyone's in the audience,

you need hay, you talk to me after the show. So let's break this down. What? Yeah, let's break it down. You sell hay for a living. You're allergic to hay.

That's right. Yep. So it's very difficult for me to do my job. There's got to be more to this. Just, and just in my experience, yeah, in my experience as the host of this show, I talk to a lot of unusual people.

Okay. And sometimes those people will come on. Yeah. And they'll have a profession. Hay salesman. It's great, great. And not a great hay salesman, I might add. But then we dig a little deeper,

and there's something more interesting about them. Yeah. Allergic to hay. Allergic to hay. I'm looking into buying a corvette. All right, I'll buy it. Let's go with it. I don't think I have enough money right now

to make such a purchase, but I'm looking into a financial lending situation. Alone. Yes. Great. Because, you know, you see a guy pull up to your company or your farm in a... You know, a nice sports car.

You buy anything from this guy. Do you have the hay in the car with you? I have a lot of pictures of the hay in my suitcase with me. Not the suitcase with the sprays. If you're on the plane, how is the car being transported? I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Close visits will be in the car.

Close sales visits. Right. Right. You know, my boss, my boss has been telling me that he's going to start thinking about firing me. He's going to start thinking about firing you. That's right. And he told you.

He said to me, he said, Redding? I said, what? He said, you're not doing great. You're not doing badly. If the numbers dip, I got to start thinking about clearing you eyes. out of here, because then, you know, we'll bring it somebody better. If I start going down at sales. What are the, what are the target sales figures for a hey salesman?

It bails or cash? And don't say, let's do both. Give me one, then the other. It bails, you want to do, oh, geez, a year you want to do roughly 250,000. bales. That's a lot of hay. That's a lot of hay. That's a lot of animals who eat that stuff that we eat.

The Circle of Life. May it forever continue. How much does one one bale of hay cost? About $100. Because they have to be bailed, you know. What's a bail? A bail is a big round

hay. if it it almost sounds as if you're describing a hay stack and not a hay bale no i don't deal i deal exclusively at bale stacks that's a whole different degree right right but what i'm saying is you seem to be describing a hay stack rather than a hay bale you're picturing a cube i'm picturing a sort of rectangle yes that has been bailed you're right well I'm picturing and selling big round bales. This may be part of your problem. You're selling haystacks.

I have pictures of my suitcase of big round groupings of hay. Rubigs. Yeah. Maybe I should be kissing the dreams of that sports car. Bye-bye. Was that it driving home? That's right Goodbye

Goodbye green sports car Hunter Green Hunter Green Bye bye forever Nah That's okay Wow you're over it really quickly I can't miss something I'd ever had

That's very wise That's very wise Yeah Sometimes what you think is a ghost Is merely a towel It worked Well done. Thank you.

Yeah. It's true. You guys have a seat, a ghost? The ghost? A ghost. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I have.

I've seen several ghosts. Well, Whitney, we haven't heard about your ghost experiences. Mm-hmm. Okay. One time I woke up in bed and the covers were like in the shape of a man. And then when I pulled the covers away, it was a ghost. I think Stan. with someone from the past.

Top of the morning to you. I'm following all of this, yes. What about you? I mean, you brought it up. Have you ever seen a ghost? Well, I was over at my neighbor's house once. And because I was sleeping and I heard they knocked out my door. They said, we got a couple pots and pans being. What's wrong with that? What? Let's take this story back.

Sure. I'm going to, okay. I feel as if the timeline is a bit jumbled. Oh, yeah. I'm struggling to understand where you are in space and time. Right. I will feel that a question. First, you're at home. That's right. And then your neighbor knocked on your door?

No, first he's at his neighbor's house. No, yeah, yeah. I said that, but when I met was I thought to myself, these guys want to know how I got there. And what time of night it was. So it was night, I heard knock at my door. They said, you got to come over there's pots and pans, you know, flying all around the house.

It doesn't seem normal to be Did they say it that calmly? No, they were freaking out But I didn't want to do that I go all right I put on a long overcoat Because it was cold outside Off I go, I follow into the house

It seems like a brief trip To put on a long overcoat It was freezing It was down to DeKalb, Illinois It gets very cold. That's where you live? That's right. You know, most of the time. If I'm not on the road.

I go over there. There's pots and pans whirling and swirling all around. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan. This to me is something very exciting. I take pictures, you know, stamping pictures, Instagramming it. As it's happening,

you're sending it to Instagram. Yeah, you know, I'm doing it kind of discreetly to live. by side, so it seems like I'm helping, but I'm also helping me. But then while you're doing this, are you literally just standing there? Observing a

positive. At this point, we're trying to figure it out. What's going on? But you being a huge Harry Potter fan, seeing things of pots and pans fly around the room to be is, I feel like I'm in the movie. So you were making it

look like you were helping them by saying stuff while you took pictures? You know, I did a lot of, yeah, I don't know. Hey, this is, this is weird. A lot of it. And you say it feels like you're in the movie. You're a fan of the movies? Right, I don't read the books.

You haven't read the books. No, not for me. It seems like you would be interested in the books. Especially if you're traveling a lot. I have a little pop-up DVD play that I could have with me either on the plate or a rental car. You were watching movies in the car? Yeah. Well, no, no, all right, I get where he's going with this.

Ask me how many accidents I've had while watching movies of the car. How many accidents have you had while watching movies in the car? Only four. No one got hurt. No one got killed. Oh, hey, that's not a bad record. How many, you guys probably got a car accident before? I've never had a car accident.

You've had... What's that? You've had a plane accident. I prevented a plane accident. I'm sorry. didn't get the goose's insurance information. So we're in the middle of this riveting story. So you're witnessing a supernatural event.

That is the first time this story has been called riveting. And I tell it a lot. So I go, yeah, the things are flying all around. Eventually they call up a priest, a close priest friend of all of us. He's called number two. You're number one. I'm number one because I'm so close. And he was a close priest friend.

of all of yours. Of all of, you know, the old name of him loves this guy. Right. Does he take you to church? Yeah, he takes me to, well, you know what he takes me, take me to the drugstore. Because I need a refill. Take me to the drug store.

I've got such a bad headache from this clogged up sinuses. Why don't you get a new job? That is the job that I have and I'm doing okay in it. Are you interviewing yourself? I've kind of doing both parts of the song. You're also lying in the song because you're not doing well at the job. No, no, if I do badly, I will get fired. But you were told specifically you're not doing so good.

I'm doing okay. Story changes. How many bales have you sold this year? We're halfway through the year, and you need to sell 250,000? Roughly, yeah. I have sold so far about 7,500. Not a small number. not the biggest number ever either

so yeah I'm getting a little nervous about my job what do I do if I leave I don't know maybe I'll go down to Florida to open a ski rental shop I don't know water ski water ski I feel as if we stop talking about the pots and pans oh right Father Dylan came over the what came over Father Dylan Father Dylan came over and he took off his over

he took off his over coat right well yeah he just had like a land Zed you know, park on. It wasn't an overcoat. And he got the situation down right away. He said, there's a spirit in here. He had some unfinished business. He wants maybe you to cook up something. He cooked up something real quick.

He cooked, made a soup. The father made a soup himself? Father made a quick, quick cable soup. I mean, this was barely lukewarm. It was cold still. Let me ask you this. Was the kitchen the only room in the home that was exhibiting any sort of supernatural

activity. That I could see, yes. All right. So did you investigate any of the other rooms? I took a peek, but yeah, I wasn't going to go around the whole house. Like, what about the bedroom? The bedroom I did not go into. The door was closed. So you couldn't see, like, what kind of mattress they had. No, but I've been told they had something. They got it mailed to them. How small was the box?

They didn't tell me, but I saw what it got. delivered it was roughly the size of a small refrigerator. I think I know that company. They actually sponsored this tours. Lisa mattresses, obviously. Oh, right. Thanks to them. Thanks to you for

being so inquisitive, Whitney. I'm a curious. Bye, curious. So, Father Dowling came, made a soup. Father Dowling? Was that a thing? Where did you get that? That's all right. I have mysteries on the brain. Yeah, I made a quick soup. and it got distributed to us by the ghost.

The aletal came down, got the soup out, put it into bowls. Were you Instagramming it? I was trying to. I did a few. I got a few videos on there. Check it out on Instagram. What's your handle? My handle is Haybail Redding at Instagram.

An email? How do you have an email account with Instagram? I was one of the first to sign up, and they said, if you're the first 10, you get an email account from us. Do you only receive pictures? Yeah, and some text, but mostly pictures. A very cool chicken, you know, soup comes floating down to me. Slub it up.

We all finish. Now the empties get stacked, and they've flown away into the sink. The pot is then empty to the rest of the soup into a Tupperware. That's put into the... That's put into a regular-sized fridge. A hat comes off the hat rack, dip slightly, door open, closed, no one goes to the house. Wow. I don't know.

I don't know. So maybe you believe in ghosts. I don't know. Why didn't you lead with that story? So I come out, here's an entrepreneur named Calvin Redding. Hey, I got a story about a ghost. Yes.

I wear a long coat. That doesn't make any sense. You don't have to talk about the long coat. That's the least important part of that story. It's a London fog coat. It's very nice. So did the, I mean, did, what's his name? Father?

Dylan. Dylan. Did he, in fact, take everyone? It had to be requested. In a certain matter. And what did it sound like? Take me to church. We want to wash the rest of the soup

off of our hands. We made a little bit of a mess. When you go to church, you know, you dip your fingers into the holy water. That's to get rid of remaining soup from an exorcism. the sink in the house wasn't working correctly

it was but the whole you know the whole thing had just been dealt with a ghost was in the room and we kind of it was great the ghost was gone but we got some good Instagrams

but we wanted to just get out of there for a little while to wash our hands and my house was a mess so I said we can't go over there rather than go to your house

next door to wash everyone's hands right you had the priest take you to church. Right. Right. Yeah.

And, you know, the option was, it's crossed by, by, I'll bring about to the side of the house and wash the heads of the hose, but that's not a very good host. And it was so cold out. Right.

Exactly. Overcoat weather. Overcoat weather for me. Parker for Father Dylan. Everyone has different body temperatures. Yeah, what was everyone else wearing? The owners of the home, Kathy, and Kirk.

I should say, They got divorced, but it was when Kathy Kirk was still married. He had on a long flannel, and she had a nightgown on, but with a stoddard jacket over it. The team? The now defunct, Charlotte Hornets.

They're back. Go team. That's our show. Mike Anford. Hall of Tompkins. Lauren Lapkis. I'm Scott Ogerman. Want to listen to your favorite

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