Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Denver 2016

Episode Date: March 19, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from the Paramount Theatre, Denver CO. May 22, 2016 - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Charles Dumpster, Lauren Lapkus as Frank Dorito, and Mike Hanford as John Lennon.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It's morning in New York. Oh, God. Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin. And I'm Catherine Grady. And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us. Many of you've asked for our advice.

Tell me, what is wrong with you people? Don't listen to us. Our Take It or Leave a Advice show every Wednesday, out now. A Lemonada Media Original. Hey, everyone. this is Scott Ackerman and welcome to Threatom, but a very, very, very, that's for very special episode of Freedom,

meaning it's not a new episode, it's something old that we're putting out. That's how special it is. I know that you're going to love it. We've been on hiatus for the past couple of months and we've been putting out these live episodes of the three of us on the Comedy Bang Bang tour from 2016, 10 years ago.

This is the tour that's sparked the idea to start the show Freedom. And it's been fun revisiting these episodes. So this week, what are we going to hear? We're going to hear 2016 tour Denver. This was taped on May 22 of 2016. And if you don't know what Comedy Bang Bang is, it's a talk show. I'm the host of the talk show. And then I have comedians on playing fake characters. And on this episode, we have Paul and Lauren, of course. Paul is playing someone named Charles Dumpster, I believe his only appearance on Comedy Bang Bang, I'm not sure. We also have Lauren as Frank Dorito, Frank Dorito, who has been on a few times. And then we have Mike Hanford, who was opening for us, doing stand-up opening for us. He

comes out as John Lennon, John Lennon. And this is a great episode, I think. I think you're really going to enjoy this one. So we're going to be back soon. I can't exactly say the precise date, because I don't know it, but I'm seeing everyone tomorrow and I hope I find out. So we'll see you soon with new episodes, but until then, enjoy this live episode of Comedy Bang Bang. tripped over all the mics. There we go. Denver, how we doing? My gosh. Hold up. I have to do this

first. I'm sorry, the gravy is lumpy. I'm doing my best since your mother passed. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ooh, kind of dark. This tour is taking a turn. Thanks to Japer's Plapers. Oh, boy.

Why do I even bother? How are you guys doing? My gosh. What a beautiful theater this is. Fans of my balcony recaps will be pleased to know that there seems to be two. The closest one is filled, and the furthest is almost empty. How are my people in the very back balcony? Is anyone back there?

Oh, boy. Thanks, guys. Couldn't buy tickets in a timely manner. These people, they have the right idea. Right? I'm so excited to be here. I've never done comedy in Denver, and I don't intend to start now. That's a joke.

Obviously, we're going to have a good time. We just got in this afternoon. We were coming from, this is very hard. We don't know what city we're in any day. Uh, Detroit. We just got in from Detroit today. This is the closest I've come. I always had a dream.

I heard that Tony Bennett. Bennett, when he would perform, he would arrive, he would literally walk off stage into a limo that just zoomed off. And this is the closest I've come to doing the reverse of that. Mine is the limo, but we just walked here from the hotel, and I practically just arrived and walked right out on stage. So this is a lot of fun. How did Mike Hanford do? Did he do well?

You guys like? It was a mighty short chord. Much better. I wonder if I could make it now. Oh, easy, easy, easy. Denver audiences, I hear, are great. Look, I am out of stuff to talk about. This is show 23, I think.

And I don't mean to imply that you guys are getting kind of the short end of the stick here, but we had so much energy at the beginning of the tour. Don't expect much. Lower those expectations. No, we're going to have a good time tonight. I don't think we're going to do any pot humor. You're sick of that, right?

I've never known a stoner to be sick of pot humor, but... Seems like all they want to talk about. Even the exit lights are green. Denver loves its pot so much. Am I trying to imply they're usually red? I think they are usually red, right? I am so fucking out of it. They are exit lights are red, right? Very mixed on this. Someone saying, look it up, Scotty. Okay. I put in the stupidest thing I've ever Googled. Are exit lights red? What have Google judged you

by how stupid your question was? But Google don't judge. Google's a benevolent benefactor. Google tells me in United States and Canada, exit signs can have either red or green lettering, but usually red. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. This is due to states or cities enacting building codes which specify this sign. Oh, that's boring. Who cares? Well, I'm glad we did that. Any significant others out here? What a confusing question. What I mean is anyone dragged here by their significant other who has no idea what's going on.

This is pretty much it. Now, we're going to have a good time tonight. We've been traveling around the country with a merry band of wonderful people, and I'm going to talk to a few of them here tonight. So are you guys ready to get the show going? What do you say? Sound guys love it when you do this. Let's get this show going.

Is anyone over here? Oh, yeah? Okay. I'm going to have to look this up. This is someone whom I've never spoken to before. That's exciting. Someone you've never heard from. He's an inventor.

Oh. I wonder if we'll hear what he invented. I would imagine so. An inventor, Please welcome Charles Dumpster. Charles Dumpster. Charles Dumpster. Oh, thank you.

Well, thank you very much, Scott. Thank you. What a delightful young man you are. Thank you for introducing me and welcoming me to this wonderful program. You know, when you introduce a Charles Dumpster, you don't know what his voice is going to sound like. Bowley spoken through e-mail. This is our first time speaking. It's true.

Are you surprised to see? I'm quite a good deal older than you, but I've got a merry twinkle in my eye. You do. That was the first thing I noticed was the twinkle. From far away you could see it. Sure. That's how very I am all the time. The eyes are the window to the merriment in one soul.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mr. Dumpster, what an unusual name, I have to say, first of all. Oh, well, it's an old family name. What is your, I want to say genealogy? Lidiot. There you go. Words are hard sometimes. We struggle with them all day.

Some of us do. I suppose we go way back to, I don't know, sort of the Germanic countries. I mean, we've been in America for quite a long time, my family. Germanic countries. Yes. Like Germany. That's...

Countries you think are like Germany, but maybe aren't. I would say out of the... Germanic countries, Germany would be number one with a bullet. Sure. It's probably the first country you think of what someone says Germanic countries. Because German is in it, you see.

Oh yeah, I guess I never put that together. We'll put it together now. It's fun. It's like Legos. It's like a word Lego. But if you step on a word, it doesn't hurt your foot. Parents understand what I'm talking about. Dumpster.

So now, Charles, may I call you Charles or should I call you Mr. Dumpster? You may call me, Charles. You may call me Mr. Dumpster. Whatever makes you comfortable. I don't know. It's, you know, I have difficulty calling someone by their first name when they're... Of advanced years. Yes.

You know. I do seem more like a Mr. Dumpster, don't I? Although that doesn't sound that great either. You know what I mean? Why is that? Mr. Dumpster, if that is indeed my name. Well, it's just that name. Yes, my name.

Dumpster. Right. It doesn't have the nicest connotation here in the United States. Are you saying it puts one in mind of the dumpster brand trash receptacles? You must have heard this before, obviously, yes. Scott, not only have I heard it, I coined it. I'm the inventor. Thank you. You're welcome, everyone. You're welcome. Whatever you have too much trash to throw away, we're always there for you.

Did you just buy a new flat screen TV? Want to get rid of that box? You invented the dumpster? Yes, I did, yes. Okay, so I see now, so it was named after your last name. Yes. Okay. Long time ago, I invented the dumpster. How long ago? I mean, I feel like they've been around as long as I've been alive. Well, I was, I'm a good deal older than you, don't forget. Don't touch me. You're just, you're just a boy. You're just a young man of the prime of your life.

That doesn't give you any reason to touch me like that. What are you talking about? You can't catch me. Oh, I can't catch you. I'm far too old and we're far too high of the sky in this goddamn city. That was unpleasant. Just moving around that much? Yes, just to foe chase you for a fractal.

of a second really took it out of me. So now, how did you invent the dumpster? Well, I'll tell you. I was even younger than you would I invented the dumpster. Even younger than I? Tell me more, sir. I will. I intend to.

And I'm going to follow through. Then I shall listen. What's happening right now? You're like a different person. Go on, Mr. Dumpster. I'm sorry. Thank you. I enjoy your playfulness. I think it's fun.

I have a twinkle in my own eye. You do indeed. Keep that twinkle, Scott. Keep that twinkle in your eye. For eventually the light goes out of all of our eyes. And we're dead in the cold, cold ground. Do you know, son, I think about death quite a bit. As I near the end of my life,

It's all I think about. I'm torn, you see, because there's so much joy and beauty in the world, and I want to grab it all and just touch it. But always I know, right over my shoulder, the Grim Reaper lurks. At a certain point, he's just going to take his... It's pronounced Sise. Sithe. Yeah.

Yes. Did you want to say Skype? But then I got confused with Skype. Right. What if Death Skyped you? one day. And that was how he took you. Why, that sounds like has all the makings of a wonderful horror film.

It really does. Like, don't answer your Skypes. When you hear that weird noise, just shut your computer. Goop, bloop bloop. Blu-blop. It's death. I'm looking over my shoulder. Is death actually here?

I'm trying to get our sound guys' attention because I feel the... Because all we can hear is a thundering echo of our own voices. I'm staring, I'm trying to stare intently at your lips. Yes. And also get our sound guys in attention. Yes. When you talk, I feel as if you're in a stadium blocks and blocks away from here.

Anything more in the monitors would be like anything. Oh, that's a little better. Oh, there we go. That's a little better. Yes, hello. Like as loud as they can go would be great for me. I wouldn't mind a little more of my own vocals in the wedges. So you think about death a lot. That's, I mean, how old are you?

Well, now, Scott, do you need me to tell you the exact age because I'm a matter of advanced years? As you could see, I have a great flowing white hair down to my shoulders. I say, I've inventor hair. My clothing is a bit old-fashioned from a bygone era. Did you stop buying clothes at a certain point?

Is that what happened? Well, I just felt that there was certain clothes that suited me, and I should stick with that. so on if it makes me look like I got out of a time machine. This is what I look like. I was going to say, yeah, not a lot of people are wearing exactly what you're wearing. No, a long frock coat and a wondrous... Are you...

Did you just die? No, I did not. I'm trying to think of... Trying to think of the most enjoyable words to describe my waistcoat. I mean, it's... I don't know that I've ever seen one like that. It's a wonderful crosshatch plaid. With brass button.

that are on the verge of bursting, I'm afraid. Well, we all gain weight as we get older in our... Not all of us. Some people get skinnier and skinnier. They become real thin, just like a skeleton with wrinkles. How do they do it? So you're... But needless to say, the dumpster has been around for a long time.

Yes, let's try. Let's put a pin in death for the moment. We can always talk about it later because it's all I think about. But it's a fun distraction for me to talk about my early... days as an inventor. The year was, I'm going to say it was four.

Go. Indeed and 27. Oh, I see what you're doing. It was freaking bootleg hooch dancing the Charleston. It was winding down, I don't know. It seemed to be on a loop. Bootleggers.

Yes, covered. Oh, you did? Yeah. I was singing my song. Right. Flappers. It's hard to hear. Other people talk when you're singing a song into a microphone. It's hard to hear me singing that song in these monitors. I bet it was.

I bet the concert performers, oh, they don't get to hear a lot of the conversations people are having in the stands of the show because they're busy singing into the microphone. And I bet they go home in their limousines and they say to their tour manager, I wonder what those people were talking about. I could see everyone's lips moving, but I couldn't hear a word. Very similar to what we're experiencing right now. Yes. I just keep getting louder and louder and it hopes that it will make a difference.

Now then. Yes. I was a young man. 1927. You're a young man. Young man, I was full of vim and vigor, and I wanted to do something good for the world. You see, I grew up very poor. We were not wealthy, my family, and I was part of a large family.

I was the baby of 13 children. Can you imagine that? I cannot imagine that. 13 children. A baker's does. That's right. My father was a baker. He was. Is that where it coined the phrase?

Well, that's not where the phrase came from. He had 13 kids. He was like, this is probably a dozen. It was because... Well, now, you'll forgive me if I defend my father's honor. He was very good at math. What were some of the math problems that he could do? I'm interested.

I tell you what? Give me an example of some of the math problems you can do, and that I'll tell you if he could do them as well. 12 times 12. Absolutely. He'd answer it before you even finish asking. So you would get to 12 times to... And he would answer it.

That's correct. Is that what you needed to hear? So he was a baker. He was a baker. He insisted on having 13 children to honor his profession. But he didn't realize what a strayed would put on all of us, my mother included. Because we were living in a very tiny place.

He was not a successful baker. What would he bake? You would bake bread, I would imagine. Well, you would try to. He never succeeded at baking bread. He never brought a loaf of bread to the point where it resembled what it was supposed to be. It would still be wet and gooey. He'd say, loaf of bread, of course, a nickel.

Somebody would say, what? That's outrageous a nickel. I could buy a new suit for that. So he's overcharging as well. He's terrible at what he did, and he was overcharging for him besides. I guess he figured, look, I'm not good at this. If I can get one sucker to buy one of these, I'm set. Sure.

If you can sell one thing for a million dollars... That's right. It doesn't matter how many people don't buy it. I suppose that's true. But then, all you think about is, what if I could get one more person to buy that million dollar item? So that's the problem with money. It creeps in. It gets into your soul, and it taints it from the inside out.

Really? So you do not like having a lot of money? No, I don't. I do have a lot of money, but it's not fun for me. It doesn't sound good to you. It's a good way to put it, certainly. You might say of money, I love it. I would respond, I don't care. The iconopopopopopop countermeasure.

Now then. Yes. Because my father was a terrible baker, he was an okay father. Yeah. Was he stern? Did he discipline you? He would give a stirred looks. Give me an example of this. Say, I'm you. All right. Oh, try to put yourself in the character of an exasperating person.

See if you could summon that up. Hi, Daddy. We called it Papa. Good note. Good note. Papa, Papa. Or is it a Thursday? It is a Thursday. On Thursdays, we had to call it.

chef papa. Is that because there were visitors or just that was when he would bake his terrible bread? Chef papa! How dare you disturb me while I'm baking my bread? I know you'll bake the bread this time. Oh, that is withering. That's all he could do. He couldn't lay a hand on us

because he loved us so much. Why do you question that with your eyes? You made a distinct face just now. The fact that he couldn't because he loved you. He wouldn't, maybe. Are we splitting hairs about words right now? I think what I said

was perfectly acceptable. It's fine. So... I defer to your expertise. So he's a stern man. He was a stern man. I think he was sad because he was so terrible

and his chosen profession. But he loved my mother. He loved all of us kids. And he gave us the best life he could with his terrible incompetence. But we lived in one room, the 13 of us. Well, the 15 of us with the parents.

Oh, and all those damn dogs. How many dogs did you have? Seven dogs. Why? He couldn't turn away astray, you see. And they were the only ones who would eat his disgusting yeasty bread. So he took it as a compliment. So I vowed when I became a young man and I moved out of the house, got on my own.

I said, I want to make a... affordable dwellings for people so that they'll never have to live like we lived. And that was the origin of the dumpster. They were intended to be no economic housing that was transportable anywhere you wanted to be. You could set up a home in any alley behind any restaurant or tavern, movie theater. What's another one? Bakery! Somewhere along the way, people started throwing trash.

shit them. Well, I can see the temptation. I mean, a lot of times you have trash, and you have trash cans before the dumpster. Yes. Were relatively small. You couldn't live in one of those. But also, if you had a large

amount of trash, there was nothing to do but buy, you know, several trash cans. Exactly. And then you have trash cans all over the house, and who needs that? Mostly it's more for businesses. I don't think that people in a home are buying several trash cans.

You don't think people in houses buy several trash cans? You're talking about large trash cans that you put out on the street. No, I'm talking about small trash cans. Waste paper baskets. Not trash cans. You'll forgive me. You'll forgive me if I use a term of art. Okay.

But this is a regional thing as my parents called it a trash can. Yeah, well, I would say this. We were simple country folk. Silence. Waste paper basket is a trash can. can, but not every trash can is a waste paper basket. So you see,

words do matter, son. Words do matter. Now, I'm a very genial person, and I think you've seen that, but you are not pushing me, you are pushing me to the limits. I came out here, I had a distinct twinkle in my eyes. Anyone can have a twinkle in their eye when

they meet someone. Oh, you're right, but then I got to know you. Booh. Playing with you. I'm just playing with you. I think you're delightful. I think you're a delightful young man. I just want to squeeze your rosy cheek. Feels good, right?

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go to Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash freedom for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash freedom. So, feel it every inch of that road. Woo! The year is 1927. Yes, and I invented the dumpster. I think we cover that. So people started throwing things away and were you saying,

hey, this is not, were you going around, all the dumpsters going, don't do, do it. Why? I was doing it from my, the dumpster. of my own dumpster. I was living in one myself. Quite comfortably, I might add. Sit in there

and have a little candle to read by and had my wireless radio listening to that. Then all of a sudden the lid would open. So we'd throw a bunch of fish skeletons in there. I'd say, hey! I wouldn't come to your house

and do that. Well, of course, they'd apologize. Well, the damage had been done. Well, that's terrible. I mean, are you disappointed with the dumpsters' common usage? Yes and no. I mean, we do need a place to put all that trash, and it's been quite lucrative for me, of course.

You see dumpsters all over the place in every country in the world. I'm quite proud of that. Each one bears my name, except for those off-brand ones. I'm not crazy about that. but I'm glad there's places we could put our trash. But I do wish that I could have seen a world where people were using dumpsters as dwellings. I myself still live in a dumpster.

I've created a dumpster mansion. A dumpster mansion. Yes, it has 30 lids. On a regular-sized dumpster? No, this is a... It's a giant dumpster. A gigantic dumpster that I call home.

What is it in back of? It's in back of someone else's mansion. Do you mind tell he is whose? I mean... Denzel Washington. I love him. He's a wonderful actor. He really is.

He's always good at everything he does. He picks and chooses the exact right roles. Well, I don't know about that. But I will say he's good at everything that he does. Maybe not. Not every movie is good, but... Exactly. Right.

But every movie can't be good. Or we never know what good is. All of stuff like this. Does Denzel come out and dump stuff into your dumpster ever? No, he knows it's my home, by this point. In the early days, was he, like, dumping old scripts? That first week was rough. But it was fun to read those movie scripts.

I never read one before. What was one that he threw away? The Bone Collector. Did you learn some of it? interesting phrases like fade in and smash cut too? I did! Interior Knight, the bone collector's house. That's really a stage direction. Yep. Wow. Well, this was an early draft, you understand. But it was good enough to get

Denzel on the hook, and he took the part. Wow. So is that all you do now? You just kind of collect all the money from... Well, I will confess. I'm a bit of a shrewd man, Scott. and I have a side business. Ooh, side biz. Yes. I never stopped inventing, you see. So I invented something called bulk trash. Bulk trash. That's right, bulk trash.

I'm having a hard time figuring out what that even might be. Well, it's a big pile of trash that's too big to go into a waste paper basket. So people have to put it in a dumpster. And so I sell people this bulk trash, that they're also using one of my dumpsters. It's a win-win. The Paul Giamatti special. If you will.

So it's slightly smaller than a dumpster? Yes, it's just big enough to fit inside a dumpster. Right. Why would people buy trash? I'm having a hard time figuring that out. Well, I had a hard time figuring that out, too, but then I realized there was a certain market for this smoke trash, and it's hoarders who are in a hurry.

let's say you're a hoarder you've got six pill bottles and some old magazines you're thinking I just want to be at that place where it's scary where people are telling me you've got to do something about this I'm saying I can't it all means something to be

sure you have a subscription to a newspaper that's right but that could take weeks months years to accumulate it was after I saw that TV show hoarders and I said I bet I bet there's somebody out there watching this show that's saying,

that's the life for me. Turns out I was right. But don't the hoarders not want to throw it into the dumpster? They want to keep it in their house. But eventually they're forced to. One way or another, the dumpster waits for all that trash. That's very philosophical. It's almost like the Grim Reaper in a way.

Oh, I never thought of myself as trash is Grim Reaper. But I suppose I am after a fashion. Do you put, like, what kind of trash do you use? Do you have magazines? Do you even put, like, you know, old animal skeletons in there? Absolutely. Everything under the sun. Remember that panty hose that came in a plastic egg?

Sure. All those plastic eggs have to go somewhere. Sometimes they'll switch it up. And for the people that are going to clean out the hoarder's home after the hoarder has died, we'll put gold coins in there. Oh, that's fun. Yes. It's like a Willie Woller's.

I get a fancy little treasure chest. Like one out of every thousand. Exactly. Makes it fun for the families. So do you have people helping you out with this? Or do you have employees? Of course I have employees. I love my employees.

I love them all. I love... You know, I never took a wife, and I've never had children. Why is that? I just felt it wasn't... It wasn't right to do. I felt it was unfair because I was... always inventing, always thinking of ideas,

and I live in a giant trash can. And they would have to take the name of dumpster. That's also true. That's also true. So you never got one on the hook. No, I've had many loves over the course of my life, but never asked anyone to settle down with me. Eventually, I'd always have to break it off and say,

I love you very much, but I live in a big trash can. that usually did it whether they believed me or not you're either a guy who lives in a trash can or a guy crazy enough to say you were in a trashmere. It's a relationship ender. What date would that be usually? Oh well sometimes it went on for quite a long time and you know it would go on to the point where it's getting serious

and obviously she's waiting for me to pop the question but instead of popping the question I would hit her with that statement and then she was in a cab and far away. It's a shame. Well, I've chosen my life, and I certainly do have the love, a defection of all those around me, and of course I'm very involved in my employee's lives, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love them all as if they were all my children, all my trash children.

I call them that, my trash children. Do they like that? You know, I can't tell. Because a lot of people humor the elderly, you see, so maybe they're just being polite, or maybe they do genuinely. enjoy this term of endearment that I have bestowed upon them my trash children. Do they have like upside down smiles on their faces when you say that? Do you mean frowns?

I'm just wondering if you are able to recognize frowns. Why wouldn't I be? Just out of curiosity. Some people don't have facial recognition software in their eyeballs. I do. I've never indicated that I don't. It's a very strange question. Just wanted to check. Hey, do you have that thing? where you can't smell stuff?

Anasmia? That's right. Did you say smell or spell? Let's say either applies. I don't have either. Can you spell? I can smell. Can you spell?

For the most part. How do you smell? I think I smell lovely. People think I'll smell terrible because I live in a dumpster. But I take care of myself and I have a little shower in there. Like a hobo shower?

Or? It's a proper shower, but of course, the ceiling's very low, so it's almost more like a bath of rain. I have to lie down and roll around to get all of me clean. Why not just take a bath? Bath are disgusting. They're for babies. You're a grown man.

That's right. I'm very old. So you love your employees. I love them so much. You're involved in their lives. I am involved in their lives. I'm asking them. Joni, what are you talking about over here?

Why do you not love this man? I would say, Frederick, why don't you ask her out on a date? I try to set up these little matchmaking endeavors with the employees. Sometimes it works to great effect. All of my employees are married to each other. But they didn't start out that way. So you hire an equal amount of people who would be attracted to each other. I don't want to say men and women.

Well, I don't know if they will be or not. I hope that they will be. I hope that I, because I love them so much. I hope they'll love each other. So when someone quit, does their loved one quit as well? Often that is the case, yes. So sometimes I have to rehire people

and hope that they'll hit it off. And they always do. Sometimes I've broken up marriages because I didn't realize that the people were married when they took the job. I inadvertently wrecked a home. Not my intent, of course.

Want them to be happy. I don't know if it's more surprising that two people cheer for that. Or more people didn't It's a very positive statement Yeah I want people to be happy Silence other than two people You caught that the same way I caught that

You see we're not so different We're not No I've got to come sweet shit Oh God no Oh he's fallen down to the ground You're giggling I'm having fun I like you I do like you

I like you too You're an obstinate old coot Oh I don't think that I am at all Do you have hobbies? Well, yes, I like a dumpster dive. What does that mean to you? Well, I will literally dive into a dumpster. That's my exercise.

I'll climb up on top of some old stacked up trash cans or milk crates or what have you. A chain link fence. And I will literally dive into a dumpster. And then I come out with all such treasures you wouldn't believe. Where's everyone keep going? It's very strange. Remember the days when you would go see a show and you'd sit in your seat and you would just watch it? Well, of course I do. I'm very old.

You weren't such a raging alcoholic you had to go get a drink every ten minutes. Like you started to feel that hot sweat. Oh, I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. What am I going to do? The clique. Cut on a hot tin roof. Rust it. Do you recall in the early days, of film when they would show movies

in the cinema. Like the train coming out you film? Well, yes, just after that. Where they started selling the concessions at the movie theater. Before there was popcorn, there were deviled eggs. Can you imagine such a thing? Deviled eggs. Oh, imagine the stench inside that theater. What an insane thing

to do. Imagine the sound of everyone's disgusting, lips smacking together as they're chewing deviled eggs. Oh. And this is in the days of silent films. It's even worse. but at the same time

everyone also used to shit in pots and then pour them out the window you're thinking of Dickensian times this is still when you were growing up as a kid back in the 20s I'll tell you when I was growing up in the 20s not a lot of people were doing as you say

and throwing it out the window they certainly were in major metropolitan areas I recently went to a museum that talked about that you're saying in major what museum was this The Lower East Side in... The Tenement Museum? Yes.

Yes, that was happening in tenements. Wasn't happening all over the place? Well, yeah, it wasn't happening on farms. That would be insane. Well, you're making it sound as if that was derogre for the world, which it wasn't. In places that had movie theaters, they were usually... We're getting sidetracked. You think?

My point was... They stopped having the devil's eggs in there because people were constantly getting up every ten minutes to go. go get more deviled eggs. It's a very addictive food. Well, Charles... Scott. It's great to meet you.

It's wonderful to meet you. You're a little bit of a rascal, but I like you. It's my pleasure to bring your story to the world. That's what we do with this show, is we find interesting people, and we bring their stories, and you certainly have told your story here tonight. And for that, I thank you. What a noble man you are to do such a thing.

to bring the stories of interesting people to the world. Are you regarded as a noble man by people? I am, I like to think. But you don't know for sure. I don't. I don't like to... No one's ever said you're noble except for me just now. That's true. I'll read between the lines on that one.

Piecing it together via context clues. But Charles or Mr. Dumpster. Whatever you like! Can you stick around and... I have literally nowhere else to go. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good.

Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. Would it be of interest to you, Mr. Dumpster? Hmm? To know that our next guest... I'm going to stop you right there. I'm interested. What a curious mind you have. Well, I love people, don't you see? You do? I do. Even before I've met them.

What about after you've met them? I love them even more. You're like Santa Claus in a way. Oh, no. No, I don't think so. I'm not going to just give people things for nothing. You've never given away a dumpster. Of course, I've given away dumpsters. But not to little children. They don't understand.

They think they're getting a punishment gift? Well, they don't know what to do with it. I'll certainly give a dumpster to a newly married couple in my employ. Are they employees of your side business or your main business? Both! It's important that they know both aspects of the business. All right, then, would it be of interest to you? And I already know the answer.

Go on. To know that our next guest is a world record holder. That's fascinating. It truly is. Yes. Long fingernails? I don't believe so. One of the fat twins on the motorcycles?

What world record was that, by the way? Fattest person! Wouldn't you know it's a tie you have to share with your brother? And it wasn't specific to the... Have you stopped shaking? But seriously, if you need help, there are meetings everywhere in this city. Poor man's just trying to have fun on a Sunday night. That's right.

Oh, are you a religious man? I just think... Hey, my first day of work tomorrow morning. Let me get fucked up. Your first day at work. Of the work week. Of the work week. Yeah.

Do you have a job, sir? You do it? What is your job? Where are you employed currently? I'm going to give you one more chance to think about it. Because I heard you the first two times. He's making a joke. No, I got it.

Yeah. Yes. We all get it. Where are you employed, sir? Oh, boy. Okay. We're shutting this down right now. Yes, we are.

Yeah. Just like his liver is about to shut down. His poor loved. ones. Let's not make assumptions. That he has loved ones? Your words, not my. I'm a very positive person. All right, we have to get to our next guest, certainly. He is a world record holder, and this is very exciting to talk to him. Please welcome Frank Dorito. Frank Dorito. I never sang before right now. You've never sung before. Never had your life. What was that?

My name is Frank Dorado. You've never been listening to the radio and said, oh, I would love to join in. No, I didn't know humans could do that. Scott, may I ask you a question? Certainly. Have you ever been listening to the radio and said, I would love to join in? Yes, and then I ask the radio if it's okay. Oh, you're very polite.

Not even happy birthday. You've never sung happy birthday. What's a birthday? No, I know about birthdays. It goes directly with my personality traits. what you know all about. Frank, you and I have spoken one time before.

Yes, we have. It was the best day of my life. I didn't realize that. How's very nice. I didn't tell you because I was embarrassed. Was it because of the conversation or did something happen previous to it? I got fucked. Had that never happened before or just

the way it happened? The way it happened. It was amazing. And then we talked. Yeah. And that was chill. That was chill. Yeah. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it.

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Hey, everyone, it's Leah Greenberg. And Ezra Levin. You might know us as two of the lead organizers of the No Kings protests. We're also the co-founders of Indivisible, the grassroots movement organizing against Trump's regime. And this is What's the Plan? Your weekly guide to the state of our democracy and how we fight back. This is not canned talking points. It's a real-life discussion space for the pro-democracy movement.

We wrestle with strategy together. We take your top-voted questions in real time. And we talk about the most impactful actions we can take right now. Democracy is a participatory sport. The fascist win when we sit on the sidelines. What's the plan is about how we get into the game? What's the plan available Friday, January 23rd, wherever you get your podcasts? Subscribe, recruit, discuss, organize, and win.

That's the plan. But you and I have spoken once before. and we have talked about your world records, but for those of you who have not heard this, I have it, for example. Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Dorito. I didn't need to startle you.

It's dangerous to startle the person who's so very tall. I am almost seven feet tall. You're almost seven feet tall, and six eleven is that? I'm six eleven and ninety hairs. I'm almost, I'm a hair away from seven feet tall. Wow. 91 hairs and a foot just so you know

You're a tall gentleman And you have the world record For something very interesting And this is not something that I knew Was in the Guinness World Record book But it's a very interesting world record Explain to the people Exactly what we're talking about

Yes, I am the world I hold the world record for the most wishes granted Yes What a wonderful distinction Yes, it's tight You use a lot of young person slang That's one of my recent wishes. To use more young person slang?

Yes, and it's working out quite A-F. I'm not sure you're using that one correctly, but you are using it. It wasn't part of the wish. You've got to be specific. You have to be careful with making a wish. Yes, you bay. Straight fire. So now you have had the most wishes granted.

Yes. And describe the first time that you made these wishes for the nice folks out here. Well, the first time I made a wish was on my birthday. So when I said I never sang happy birthday, that was a lie. Right. You immediately corrected yourself. Yes. I knew that couldn't be true about me.

But, yes, every wish I made on my birthday came true, at which point I decided to try to venture out of birthdays and make wishes on pennies and in Wales and whatnot. And guess what? They all came true, baby. Then I started keeping track, and then the Guinness book got a wind of it, and they came and followed me around for a few years while I wished on things, and they saw it all come true.

And were there like magic genie situations? I did meet a few genies, yes. Well, genies, you know, when they heard of me, all the genies kind of came flocking. My mailbox every day I'd open it, a new genie will pop out. trying to grant me a wish and get out of his his little mailbox home. Oh, he lived in the mailbox. They all did.

Never occurred to me that was a place you could live. Maybe people were... Maybe, maybe... Wish I'd heard this sooner. Well, now that I think of it, maybe people were mailing me genies. It used to be illegal. Mm-hmm. Yes, it was.

So what were some of these things that you wished for? The first one was... A million Cheetos. One, you were. remember that I don't. Well, I think your height has something to do with me. Oh, yeah. Well, I wish to be a little bit taller.

Then I wish to be a baller, of course. And I wish for a million Cheetos. But, you know, yeah, it all worked out. I'm a baller in every sense of the word. I play basketball, and I'm good with women. And you cry a lot as well. I cry a lot, yeah. Oh, so.

I cry like a bitch. Oh, it's a shame. Did you eat all the Cheetos? Oh, yeah, got a tummy ache. Then I wished for that to go away, and I got diarrhea. But you were okay with that? Yeah, I felt better after about 15 minutes of diarrhea. What an interesting story.

I agree. So now, how many wishes have you been granted? Well, at this point now, it's about 2,899 wishes. Wow. But I've got to tell you, I've been kind of stumbling. lately. My wishes aren't coming true as much as I want. They're not coming true anymore. No, no, they're not. You know, I keep wishing for things and it's not working out. So are you doing it going about it the exact same way? Like when you see a penny, what was the champion you would say?

It's exactly this for sure. See a penny, pick it up all day long. You'll have good luck. See a penny. Leave it lay. Every day you wish you say, I wish I picked that penny up because I would have Got a wish. And once you recited that, then you would wish, silently, you were telling me. Never say a wish out loud, come on. It's rookie behavior. Mm-mm. It won't come true.

Would it come true immediately, or would there be some sort of deferment period? Usually it'd be pretty quick. You know, I make a wish like I want a new car, and suddenly a car pull up, and I'm inside. You know, it's that fast. Wait, wait, wait. Are you in the car when it pulls up and you? see yourself in it? Yes.

Oh, that sounds very scary to be. That's eerie. The first time it was scary. Every other time after that, it was fun. Well, then, where does the other you go? I don't know. I never saw them again. So which one would disappear?

The one outside the car? Or the one inside the car? Somebody's gone. One thing I know for sure, there's only one Frank Dorito. Google says otherwise. Really? That was funny. We have to laugh at ourselves.

Hazard of the trade, hitting your own teeth with the microphone. Hit yourself in the teeth with the microphone. That used to happen to Rudy Valley. Really? Yes. Every time he's saying? Not every time, but a lot. How do you know that?

Would he talk about it? Well, I'd seen him perform for the radio. And he couldn't judge the distance between himself and the microphone. The microphone's back there. Huge. So he would think that... He would think it was farther away than it was. It was far away because it was so huge?

No. It would be the opposite, wouldn't it? The one back that had tiny eyes. Oh. Picture of Rudy Valley, you'll see it tiny, tiny to the lives. Mm-hmm. So you would wish these things, they would come true immediately. Mm-hmm.

And nowadays, you're making the wishes and they don't come true. Yeah, I don't know what happened, you know? I've been trying to make some wishes lately and I'm struggling. I, uh, I wished, I wish to have clean skin. Clean skin? Yeah, like freshly showered skin. Nothing changed. And then I wished for my hair to be an inch shorter.

And honestly, no difference. Help me, Scott. Was this my problem? Don't you help people on your talk show? Yes, I do. Yeah, what can I do to help? Can we... I don't know. Help me figure out how to make a wish again. Maybe I made a wish in every which way I could. Did you make a wish that you would no longer have the power to make wishes?

Be careful, because that may end everything right now. No. Good. That would have been a strange wish to make. I would never do that. For someone who enjoys making wishes. I love my life, just how it is. Except right now.

Do you think Mr. Dorito, if I may? Yeah. Is there anything to the idea that maybe you're wishing for such small things that's why they're not coming true? Because your other wishes were amazing. I always did wish for fantastical things. But lately I started trying to enjoy the smaller things in life, like clean teeth. Maybe they're imperceptible to you.

You're not noticing them. You know, I mean, if someone were to cut an inch off their hair, I don't know whether I would notice it, you know. You wouldn't? One inch. I mean, ten. Two inches, yeah. Oh, I'd notice right away.

I'm very invested in the lives of all those around me. Can I ask me? Oh, sorry. Sorry, no, you go ahead. Did I hear you live in a trash? Well, now, I live in a dumpster, but there's no trash in it. Oh, what do you sleep on? Well, I sleep on a mattress.

Very wonderful mattress. Is this a dirty mattress? Is this a garbage mattress? I know it's not at all. I sleep on a brand new mattress from a very, very nice mattress. reputable mattress company. Can I ask how many inches it is? Well, it's a 10-inch mattress.

It includes three layers of cooling comfort. Is there anything trademarked in those layers that keeps you as cool as the other side of the well? There's this, there's a substance called a VEDA that's trademarked. I know that for a fact. Interesting. And did it come in and how did you

discard of the box? Well, you know, My employees told me how to order it. I ordered it online on the computer. And then it arrived at my dumpster. It was, now you would think, a mattress box would be gigantic. It may not even fit in that dumpster. That's what I was afraid. Hold it up or something.

Every mattress I've seen is come in a box the size of a mattress. Of course. Slightly bigger, slightly bigger. Of course, to fit the mattress inside. It's logic. Well, wouldn't you know, it came comprehensive. in a box the sides of a miniature refrigerator. I don't believe you.

You must believe me. Please, Mr. Dorito, it's true. I don't want to believe you. I'm scared. Wish on it. Wish to believe him. Oh, wait. Almost ruined it by saying it out of love.

Believe you. Oh, your wish gave true. Hey, hey, again. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You almost said it out loud. Have you been saying all of your wishes out loud? Yes, I've been begging in the minute. What?

I could quite hear that. Every morning I've been waking up and begging in the mirror for things to change. Sort of like a snow white situation? Yes. Yeah. And it wasn't working. I forgot the simple rules of wishing. Keep it in your head and wish on every coin you see.

Wishing every body of water. Wish on a genie. But don't really get involved with them because they'll screw you over. That's right. Now, when you would beg into the mirror, like let's say you wanted your hair to be an inch shorter. Yes, please. What would you say into the mirror? say, dear God, I wish my hair wasn't shorter. If it was, I'd really...

And guess what? Jack Diddley Squat is what I wanted to say. Why didn't you? What were you starting to say instead? I said jig-didly squat. I would have accepted that. Is this a game show? Yeah, thank you, Alex Trebek. I'm just saying I'm a very accepting person. Now, could it be, Mr. Dorito, that you didn't phrase the wish, even though you were

said it out loud. You didn't phrase the wish in proper wish structure. That's right. A magic mirror, if you see in Snow White, you're supposed to rhyme your wishes. Oh, well, like what? Like, uh, I wish I may, I wish I might, not be fucked by seven dwarfs tonight.

Sounds like something you want to happen. If I know you at all. We barely know each other. That's what I mean. He seems to have a pretty good sense of you so far, though. You did accidentally text me that.

That was meant for someone else. That's a bit of a smoking gun. Well, Frank, I'm glad that we could solve your problem. What are you going to wish for now? A giraffe, the size of a dime. Flat and round like a dime? Uh-huh. Then it wouldn't be a giraffe anymore.

It wouldn't have a long neck. And I want it to be worth ten cents. Mr. Dorito. Uh-huh. Is it possible that all of these wishes you've made, somehow they've affected you, They've hurt your brain in some way.

You think my brain is hurt, dumpster? That giraffe wish. Okay, what's a normal wish then? Aren't you enlighten me? Well, if I wanted a giraffe of my own, I might say, please, oh, wish, come true to me. I entreat you, fiddledy-D, not by quarters, not by half,

I wish I wish to have a giraffe. Oh. Can I ask you something, Mr. Dumpster? Yes. Do you see yourself riding a giraffe right now? What do you mean? What's in the same way that he would see himself driving this car? Oh.

And then one of you would disappear. Let me have a look around. It doesn't work for him. I don't see me riding a giraffe anywhere. But where are you going to put this giraffe? Well, I'd make him an old dumpster. With a hole cut the lid for his long neck and head. Is that what yours is like?

It has a hole for your head to come out of? No, no. I crouched out in there. Okay. But the giraffe doesn't know. Doesn't know what? Doesn't know what? It doesn't know to crouch out in a dumpster.

If it knew, it would. If anybody knew, they would. Who knows that? Well, I do. I'm Charles dumpster. But that's not a thing. thing. What are you saying?

Crouching in dumpsters? Well, how else you're going to fit it there? You don't. They smell like Dookie. Not all of them. Are there toilets in your dumpsters? Of course there are. In the ones that are designed to be dwellings, yes. And do they let out into plumbing situations, or...

I hope so. It doesn't stay in the dumpster. I can tell you that much. That's good. That's good. It is good. I'm happy. for you. Thank you. I know some dumpsters have been used for that purpose

and I'm against it. One time I couldn't wait and I took a shit in my washing machine. Couldn't wait for what? To walk into your bathroom? Well, better that than the dryer. I couldn't wait to shit in a washing machine.

It's very tempting. I couldn't wait. I had to have it now. That's your generation all over. I'm old. Oh, really? I forgot that detail.

I don't remember how old, but not my generation, you know, being different than yours, really. I wouldn't be the younger generation, that's for sure. Well, you're certainly younger than me, of course. I don't care about age, you know. How old are you 100? Oh. I don't want to say because I think

it would make you fear for my life. Doing the math, I believe you to be over 100 years old. I'm not going to tell you, but I think you saw me running around this stage trying to pinch Scott's cheek and I'm still still kicking so don't worry about me yeah I wasn't worried I just wanted to know well if I told you you'd be worried is my point you'd be very scared for me you don't know me I don't care about other people mr. Dorino that's an excellent point I'll still let you keep your age of secrets thank you very

much you remind me as somebody who the wizard of Oz be with me with me many wishes I might add. Oh, is that so? Mm-hmm. You've gotten wishes from the Wizard of Oz? Yes. Have you had to travel to Oz to get there? How do you get there? In the movie. In sort of like a Purple Rose of Cairo situation? Whatever. In reverse. In reverse.

I don't know what that means. It's like a Pleasantville situation. See, that's the difference between our generations. Generational, yes. I only watch things people born in 1985 watch. That's a choice. I thought it'd be interesting to limit myself. When did the Purple Rose of Cairo came out

in 1987. Yeah. But it's not something someone born in 1985 would watch. Yeah. Important distinction, Scott. It checks out. Mr. Dorito, would you pinch his cheek for me?

Okay. Why are you taking such tiny steps? He got me. My trick worked. You distracted me. I took tiny step because I felt like you were like a little kid who wanted to be chased through.

I could get you in two seconds, but let's make it last. Well, you do have very, very long stride. You're seven feet tall. Long legs, baby. It's all in the legs, too. You're like, how long are your legs? My legs are five.

They're like six feet tall. My legs are five feet. My torso's one foot. The rest of me is 90 hairs. So, like, yeah, basically. Well, we have another guest to get to. Is it okay if we introduce him right now? I mean...

I would love that. Nothing. I would love nothing more. I can't even say it. This is an interesting show because we have three kind of older gentlemen. Whoa, this is exciting. How old are you, Frank? Probably 68. One more year.

And then I get to do it. Ooh, I can't wait. What a great age. It's kind of ironic that by the time you get there, you don't want to do it anymore. Oh, I want to do it. Oh, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't be so sure about that. I'm ready. I'm ready for that. You know, your sexual urges, that's the thing that never goes away and becomes just a curse to you after a while.

You wish it would stop, but it never does. So you're over a hundred and you want to have sex? All the time. But no one wants to because you're over a hundred. That's true. Well, next you're in your... 60s, you're in your hundreds, I believe, perhaps. Perhaps.

I believe our next guest is actually in his 70s. Oh. I think. That's something. So yeah, quite the gamut. He is a musician, and he was in a little band called The Beatles. Please welcome John Lennon. Mr. Scott.

Fantastic to be here. Mr. Lennon, it's so great to see you. It's wonderful. Oh, I'm having a great time. You're having a great time. one of my great moods. Oh, because, you know, it can go south for me any time. But I'm loving it now.

Aw. Well, as a person who's had your history where you were having a great time in front of your hotel one night. That's right. I was having a great time in that courtyard. Taking all the architecture in, because, you know, I live it in a place.

This is loud, isn't it? It's loud to you? It seems. It sounds good to me. We should all move over to where you are. Oh, you can't hear it over there? No. Is this interesting to you?

Because it's very interesting to me. So Mr. Lennon, you're here in Denver. This is exciting to see you. I'm on a little bit of a vacation, to be honest with you. It seems like your whole life is a vacation. Yeah, sure. You know, my life is split up between working hard on music. Not that hard, though, I have to say.

Well, you know, it's relative. and looking for work. I'm always looking for extra jobs. Like moonlighting? Yeah, if I can find something that'll help me, you know, pay for... All the subscriptions I have now on my Apple TV, I've got to pay for them somehow. What do you subscribe to?

Hulu, Netflix on Apple TV. Yeah, howl too. HBO now, the tennis network. Take your time with this, by the way. You know what I like is the Red Bull Channel, but that's free. What is on the Red Bull Channel? I've often looked at it and never clicked on it. If you ever wanted to see someone dressed up in hockey equipment but not have a stick and skate down a downhill track, watch the Red Bull Network. I forget what they call it, but it's fantastic. Short races.

So anyway, I'm in town on vacation. So your time is split up between working and looking at looking. looking for work. Right, but now it's, I'm on, I'm in vacation mode fully. Yeah. John Lennon, vacation mode, let's head straight to Denver. Straight to Denver. I brought, you know, I brought my friend Ringo with me.

Oh, is here? He's in, he's in the RV. The RV is parked right outside in the front. It is right out front, so people, when they leave the theater, they can go knock on the RV door. If we're still there, my plan is to get out before everyone and drive away. Yeah. So you probably won't see it. And I got here late, so you didn't see it when you got here. So Ringo, you're on vacation together. Your best friend is Ringo, obviously. And for those of you who don't know, John Lennon, of course, you died. You were dead for five years. You decided to come back to life. I was, well, I was dead for four. I'm sorry. That's okay. It just, every time I'm like, I don't need to bring it up, but I have to bring it up to you.

So 1984, you came back to life. Oh, that was right, because you were a big fan of the novel. Right. Right. Right. Right. which I haven't read yet. But I like the title of it very much. So right. Oh, if you don't know, I was in the rock band, the European rock band, the Beatles for a relatively small period of time. About eight years or so.

Was it that long? Yeah. And I played, I was one of the guitarists for the group. I sang too and wrote songs and pretty much ran the whole show. But I also... Wow, that's the most responsibility I've heard you take for the band. the entire time I've known you. I was talking to Ringo before,

and he said, he did quite a bit for, because I was going on about how he was such a great drummer and how he kept things going for us, and I knew exactly where he would be in a concert, it's right behind me. And he said, don't, you know, don't sell yourself, sure, you did quite a bit. I said, what did I do?

I don't know, I re-strung the guitars every now and then. And that was because they were out of tune and you needed to write amazing songs. Right. Exactly. And he said, no, but you were kind of the face of the group and you wore those cool glasses and everyone when you grew long hair and we all grew long hair. I said, oh, that's touching.

Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that I mean a lot to you. Ringo. Great guy, Ringo. Right. Can I ask you a question? You're barefoot here. Yeah, I'm doing that old Paul McCartney look.

I took from him. But I notice you have something on your right foot. No, your right foot. Yeah, you're, yeah. Oh, right. The one that has something on it. Right, well. Yeah, I guess I did take my toe ring off right before I came out here.

No, no, no, no, you have a bandage on your toe. Right, yeah, I've got my toe is bandaged up, as you can see. You can ask me what happened. I didn't know I had to. You know, I'm not one of these guests who comes out and says, this is my agenda. I'm going to start talking. You can go over there, you can go over there, and you'll shoot up here. Now it's my time to talk.

No, I want to be a guest. and answer questions. All right. Mr. Lennon, what happened to your toe? Thank you for asking. Well, you know, Ringo and I are out here on a fly fishing trip. We want to do some fly fishing.

In Denver? Right outside of Denver. In, what are we? Big Bear Creek, I think we were. Definitely not fish. What? He's saying that they couldn't be fished that are cheery because the fished shouldn't be excited.

Excited about the prospect of being fished. Do I read you correctly? Exactly right. Do you say that a lot? Definitely not fish, whenever you ascertain someone's not a fish. If I'm about to tell a story about fly fishing, generally, yes.

Am I a fish? Oh, let's go down the line. Who of us is a fish? We'll start with me then. Right. No. Would you know that if you were a fish? Sure, because I'd be a flopping around

on the ground and I couldn't breathe. Tell-tale side. Right. So, no, I'm not a fish. Are any of us fish? Not as far as I can tell. Okay. And the only way you would be able to tell is if I were on the ground.

There he goes. Okay. Yes, now I am starting to lean towards maybe a reverevian joking, too. Oh, if I had my rod and reel, I'd see if I could grab you. What's that? Give him the heimlich. Oh, he's true. The he needs the heimlich.

I'll do it with my foot. So many cords So many cords We're actually risking personal injury Maybe that's the end of those shenanigans Worth it Especially to the Hal FM listeners So we were fly fishing

And we were taking a break And I had probably the biggest hot dog I've ever seen in the Denver area In my hand Bundless So not Not the biggest you'd seen lifetime, but just the biggest you've seen in the Denver area.

Right, in the Denver area. Okay, good. The biggest, you know, the biggest are down in Tampa Bay. Is that so? Biggest I've ever seen. Why is that, do you think? You got to wonder. You really do.

That's what I was. My whole thing is maybe the Disney people down there say, we want to also, you know, we want to control Florida. In a way. We also want to be known for hot dogs down here. How big was the Denver hot dog? The Denver hot dog. Thank you.

Thank you for getting me back on track. Well, first, if I may. First, how big was the Tampa hot dog? Then how big was the Denver hot dog in comparison? Okay. The Tampa hot dog was about as big as a baseball bat. That's very big for a hot dog. Huge.

It was huge. Was it a novelty baseball bat like you would get on souvenir day at a baseball stadium? That was the Denver size. Oh I see Still big for a hot dog So someone with tiny eyeballs Would think that was very far away

That's right That is right So we're sitting down in the camping area Got a big hot dog with me And all of us You take the boat back in When you're on break You don't eat out there on the boat

You know when we fly fish It's mostly standing in the water Yeah yeah okay got it You know we wear the waiters up to here How do you How do you wear the boat? them up to there. They're these rubber pants waiters.

They come up to here and they just... They're not just... They don't just go up waist-tight. Not the ones we have, no. Okay, great. You can probably get lower ones, and some people do just wear boots. Right.

I was thoroughly covered. 60 seconds down. So I'm sitting there. And all of a sudden, you know, we're having a great time talking about the types of fish we want to catch. What were you about to say?

What? I wanted to know what he was gonna say, talk about the fish you want to catch. I was gonna say you did catch me. Gotcha. I was gonna say

fucking catch. Oh, okay. Fucking. Fuck and catch? No. Okay. I've never been known for that. That doesn't mean you don't do it. No, any rumor that you want to start, that's nasty if you do that. Oh, sorry.

Come on, Mr. Dorito. I don't want to be nasty. Fun is fun, but please don't start that rumor. I'm a nasty boy. Oh. You have a twinkle in your eye. Oh. I noticed that.

There's a couple twinkle eyes going out here. Dem nasty boys. Always got a twinkle. Oh, them. Oh, them boys. Dem boys. Oh, them boys. Wait, are we dem boys?

Uh, yeah. I would say. Are we making noise? Yeah. We are making noise. I believe we dem boys then. In this time and space, we dem boys. I never thought it would come to it

So You're taking a break with Riga You're discussing the fish that you Want to fucking catch And I look over And what do I see But a little lizard, you know

And I hate lizards You know that I hate lizards, but I love snakes Why do you hate the one and love the other? Well, you know, a lizard It looks to me Like With the arms, you know

a smaller, you know, a cat or something that's been spayed out and I certainly do not like that whereas a snake is its own thing without arms and legs and that I like what about it's my personal preference

so you don't like any animal that is not a cat that has arms and legs I wouldn't go that far I'm saying small ones oh I meant to say also a scaly dry skin. Where do you stand on worms? I love worms.

But they're smaller than snakes. There's nothing wrong with that. You're all over the map here, John. Hey, I know what I like. I like what I like. That's fair. Are you a dog person? I am, yes. I enjoy dogs.

What's wrong with cats? I mean, you know what I mean? I'm allergic to them. Well, I'm allergic to lizards. You should have led with that, perhaps. He's lying, I could tell. No, I'm not. Now ask any doctor.

Yes, you are. Ask any doctor I've ever been to. He'll tell you the same. So I see this lizard. I see a lizard who I hate. Dude, your allergies. Right. So I start, you know, chasing it around and kicking it.

And really, I want to, you know, really get him going. And he goes up into a tree. So now I'm kicking up as high as I can. And I hit my toe right to. into a beehive. Just the toe? The whole foot, but the whole, but the bees came out, about 30 or 40 of them stung me right into one toe.

I don't know what it is about that one. They got me. So, your other foot was in the beehive and the bees came out and stung that foot? Or your foot was in the beehive, the bees came out. You have a puzzle. You know, I thought I was, I hit the beehive. you said it got stuck in there

for a brief moment and I pulled it out that's not stuck you know I know I know that's not stuck implies I know I apologize in here I wish I was clear oh wait a minute See if your wish came true Yeah

Oh First of all you didn't rhyme and you said it out loud But hold on You are wearing clear pants with white on them That's true Thank you very much You're clearer That's right

I feel like 80% of this is just for us Let's make it 100 So that explains that Beestings Beestings got me Pretty bad on the toe A classic John Lennon story That's right

It starts with something Sort of mundane And goes to a place you wouldn't really expect doesn't happen to anyone somewhat cartoonish and there's some stopping along the way for explanation

what's the smallest hot dog that's out there that's what I wonder I've eaten it you have yes it was one of my childhood wishes to eat the smallest hot dog it was imperceptible to the human eye

oh no really I just gasped and I knew I had eaten it You breathed it in. Yes. Did you cease yourself eating it? What I saw was, now I have big eyes. So I saw a giant hot dog from far away.

And then suddenly, I had the flavor of a hot dog in my mouth. You explain it. Wizard man. Wizard? I'm not the wizard man. I'm not the wizard man. Is that your catchphrase? I'm not a wizard man. You know, my father, the baker,

he used to make pigs in a blanket, and what he would do was he would get a pig, and he'd just crack it over the skull, knock it unconscious. Then he'd coat a blanket with flour. Wrap it up. And he thought that was it.

That sounds good to me. Wouldn't people try to correct him ever? Everyone tried to correct. And he would say it's Thursday. You call me Chef Papa. Then he'd give you that look. Oh, I don't want to see that look again. Oh, boy.

Can I see it? Very stirred. Are you sure you're ready? Yeah, that would say the shiver dab on my spine. Here we go. You thought it was already the look? Oh, the real one got me. I was being polite about the first one.

I tried to warn you. Wait, now I want to see it. All right. Let's see. Oh, that's not even it. Oh. You're very polite, Mr. Dorito. Here it comes, Mr. Dorito.

Okay. I'm ready. Huh? Am I punished? No, no. Can I be? Mr. Dorito. You're a rascal.

I got to wait till I'm 69. When you turned away to, you know, set your face, you scared me again. Because you thought, what did you think? happened? I thought you were getting a little stirred. Right. And I kind of jumped back. Oh, you're jumping even now. I was just to show you what I did. Oh, I see. Sure. Now I'm fine. And I enjoy the smile. I'm glad. If you're ever out with friends or, you know, just people you don't know very well, and someone shares a smile with you, make sure you say to him, I appreciate that. There's not enough

smiling in the world. Yeah. Thank you. I'm surprised two people didn't woo at that. I'm surprised two people didn't woo. I don't know. It's your show. I assume there would be so much more to that story, John. Well, we're having a hell of a time fly fishing. I'll tell you that much. Have you caught any fish? No, we don't know what we're doing.

We bought a, you know, fly fishing for dummies, but right as we stopped the RV, we came in so fast. You know, because we were... I'm used to driving across the country so fast to try to get over that Grand Canyon, but I knew, thank you. I knew this time. Thank you. So you know that what you're saying is something that the crowd likes.

You have an awareness. I'm always a little like Claire. It's still if this is getting or not. So we came whipping in. The door flew open. The book went right into the stream and that's gone. So now we're sitting there scratching our heads. We've got...

You came so fast the door flew back. You know, when you come into a spot and you really wing in like this, The whole backside will come and the doors fly open. I need to get those fixed. They should make a book fly fishing for really big dummies and make it waterproof. Well, that's not a bad idea. And make it a little heavier too, so it's not flying around so easily.

But if it were so heavy, it would sink. Oh, that's true. Make a life jacket for it. Not make it into a life jacket. No, a life jacket will float away. Here's what you do. You make it a big head. heavy waterproof book that has its own life jacket.

That's what I said. Make it a life jacket. I'm agreeing with you, Mr. Drito. I'm explaining for him. I'm going to fight you. Oh, Mr. Dorito. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. Mr. Dorito.

I stabbed him with a really long pencil. You stabbed me with a really long pencil. Now I'm going to have a spot. Ooh. Now you don't. Thank you, Mr. Dorito. Would you make a wish that we could figure out how to end this? Yeah.

We're supposed to sing a song. Really? That's always a good end. That's always fun. Big finale? We would have to figure out a song that we all know. And you only know things that someone who's born in 1985 would know. Yeah, so something

recent. I have the tiger. I was singing that earlier. You were? Yeah. That actually is true. That's also true? That's very unnerving. I wish that hadn't happened. Can't say it out loud. Oh.

I know a few bars from a Wiz Khalifa song. Is it we dumb boys? That's right. Okay, let's try. Hold on. Hold on that one together. A song with four words. How about?

I don't know all the lyrics to Icona pop, but if you want an Icona pop, start us Icona off. What about this? Yeah. What if... Yes? No.

You go. What if we each sang a wish? And perhaps it'll come true. And so it's not a song we sing together, but we each sing a wish for the audience. Okay. That sounds good. Can it be to the tune of We Dem Boys?

Is there a tune to that? That's not helpful. I wish, I wish, I wish. How about that? For some toys. Yes. Okay. Who's going to start us off?

John, you're the musician of the group. All right. Take center stage. Yeah, stand up there and let everyone get a good look at you and your disgusting toe. I thought it was dressed pretty nicely. Oh, I didn't mean that one. Yeah, they all sort of go downhill from the big one, eh? The big one's the best.

I don't know about that. No, you got to be kidding me. And I've gotten it all backwards. And I'm an old man saying that. I wish, I wish, I wish. To get back down to Tampa Bay. I eat a couple more of those big hot dogs. I thought it was going to be a song.

John, you're known for your beautiful singing. My beautiful singing. Hey, can you make a wish of the style of whistling beat? Oh, that would be good. Wouldn't it? That would make more sense than me trying to talk about them boys. You don't know of them boys, after all? We've never met them.

I thought we were them. We are making noise. If I had a wish, what would it be? Just ask me, whistling Pete. I'd wish that I didn't fall down on a cactus. Did you fall down on a cactus? Whistling Pete does a lot. So you're singing like you are whistling Pete.

I'm kind of jumping back and forth from me to whistling Pete. Oh. If Whistling Pete had a wish, what would it be? Because you realize, you know, that's my alter ego. My country Western alter ego is whistling Pete. Unwish. Have you ever done that before? Did you have to say it out loud and then you can unwish it?

I wish I never wished for us to sing. It's working. We're not singing. That's a new thing for me to do. Something else you wish never happened. I guess, you know, the Holocaust? It's easier if it's something more, you know, relatable to yourself. I wish that, oh boy, everything I'm thinking of that has actually happened to me is very dark. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no. Not good show-ending wishes. I wish I never asked you that question Hey, what did you want to ask me? I don't know Nice cover-up, Dorito. Well, I do know a song that we all probably know.

Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. We didn't know. No, it's not Weidenberg. Mr. Lennett, I beg of you to stop referencing that song. All right. Usually we sing this when one piece of confetti falls from the sky.

But there is no such confetti tonight. but it is it does have an interesting message that we can impart all of these people these good people of Denver Denver has good people good salt of the earth people that's right who like to ski they like to fly fish they enjoy overlaug hot dogs they don't want to hear about weed they just want to live their lives work their jobs love each other all under the watchful eye of a giant blue demonic horse. But I think in troubled times like this

and I think we can all agree that these are troubled times you know, we don't know which way our country is going to go. Is it going to be this guy? Is it going to be that girl? Woman? Woman? Is Marlow Thomas

going to be the president? That's an old reference because I'm old. I do get that one. There's one song I think that can unite us and bring us all together. That's right, the Hollywood Facts song. Here we go. Nice. Facts and we're going downtown.

Going to Englandwood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glimper. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Hold up, hold up. We didn't, boys. No, I messed it up. Okay.

I messed it up. Let's try it again. Do it right. Here we go. Ready. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. Everybody do your backs and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars brought out the Chinese theater. I'm Scott on. The number one podcast for kids and families in the world. And the newest edition to the Lemonada Media Network. We take stories written by real kids and turn them into sketch comedy and songs,

featuring professional actors, famous guests, and original music. So get ready to light up your kids' imaginations with a show that you'll also enjoy. The Story Pirates podcast, new season coming November 6th.