Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Detroit 2016

Episode Date: March 12, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from Royal Oak Music Theatre, Detroit MI. May 21, 2016 - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Cake Boss, Lauren Lapkus as the world’s oldest child actor Dinky Little, and Mike Hanford as Olympic silver medalist Raymond Flopper.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's Hassam-Minhage here from the Hassam-Minhaj doesn't know podcast, among other things. And I hate the smell of rotting food almost as much as I hate wasting it in the first place. Thankfully, now I have Mill. Mill is a food recycler that is odorless, guiltless, and completely effortless. See, I've always wanted to reduce my food waste. It is one of the easiest ways for an individual to make a big impact on the environment. But I just cannot stand the mess of a compost bin in the kitchen. But with Mill, all you do is dropping your scraps and you let it.

go. It works quickly and quietly turning your food, even small bones, into nutrient-rich grounds. Now I take out the trash way less, yet my kitchen smells way better, and I don't have to feel guilty when my zucchini gets moldy. Plus, it looks cool. Yeah, this trash can alternative is so fly. People keep asking me, where I got the giant Alexa? It's chic and savvy, but you have to live with Mill to really get it. Good thing, you can try it risk-free for 90 days right now and get $75 off with code HMDK. Visit mill.com slash HMDK. That is mill.com slash HMDK.

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right? Yeah. And look at us now. Like, we're all grown up. We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown-up stuff,

and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye, but for the most part, it's about you. I mean, it's always been about you. from Lemonada Media, alive with Steve Burns is coming September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch every episode on YouTube. Hey, everyone, this is Scott Ackerman. Welcome to another episode of Freedom. Now, you're wondering, where's Paul and Lauren? Well, we're on a break, much like Ross and Rachel famously were. We're on a break, recording new episodes now, but they're not going to come out for just a tiny bit more. And while we are with, we are with. while we're on hiatus. We have been releasing some of these live comedy bang bang episodes from days past, 10 years past, actually. We have been releasing episodes from the

2016 Comedy Bang Bang Tour, which is a tour where Paul and Lauren and I went and did most of the dates together. Lauren had to bow out of the UK and England because, or the, no, just England. We didn't go anywhere else. because of medical issues. We don't need to talk about that. I believe we've talked about it on the show before. But we're releasing some of these episodes from that tour, which was a lot of fun, which is where we became great friends.

And tonight and today, and if it's early of the morning or late at night, wherever you happen to be, we're re-releasing the 2016 Tour Detroit episode. Now, this was taped on May 21st of 20, 2016. And if you've never heard Comedy Bang Bang before, if you're just a Freedom listener, and this is your first time hearing Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang is a podcast that I host. It's a fake talk show where I'm myself and comedians come on as fake characters. And in this particular episode, we have Paul and Lauren. Paul is playing one of his classic characters, Cake Boss. And Lauren is playing one of her less classic characters

Dinky Little. I, in fact, don't even remember who this is. So this will be a surprise to me as well. We also have Mike Hanford, who was opening for us on this tour. He's playing Raymond Flapper, another character I have no memory of. This will be new to you and new to me as well. And what do I remember about this one? I just remember, just looking at the description of it, I sort of remember this, and it was a very crazy episode. So, and then Paul and I, you know, did a lot of time up top. So if you're waiting for Lauren and only listen for Lauren, skip ahead to about the 50 minute mark. Now, if you enjoy this episode of Comedy Bang Bang, and you want to hear other live episodes or regular episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, bang, you can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com, Comedy Bang Bang World. We have every episode we've ever done. Ad free, every live episode we've ever done. There's thousands of episodes.

And I hope you enjoy this one. This one was super crazy. So we're going to be back very soon. I'm not quite sure exactly when, but we're going to be back soon. And until then, we hope that you enjoy this live episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Michigan of Michigan. What is I? Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I gotta do this first. Sorry. One sec. I've heard of eight Lyle's, but eight mile? Actually, I've only heard of one Lyle. Lyle love it. I'm sorry I lied to you.

Welcome to comedy, bang, bang. Thanks to son of ghost dad. for that one. Things have been tough in the ghost dad household lately. Nice to hear he's holding up. Can we get more in the monitors by any chance? Would love some more in the monitors.

How are you, Michigan? So great to see you. Royal Oak. Home to the Tooltime Taylor family? Is that true? Someone told me that. Is that true? Normally by applause is what I would.

I got a mixture of like, yeah, I think so. I don't know. What a beautiful, beautiful backdrop. I feel like we're about to do Starlight Express up here. And we just might. We just might. You don't know what's going to happen at a comedy bang bang show. How are my people in the back?

Yes. Now, occasionally we do this, and it's a fun little thing. What we like to do is take all the people sitting in the very back and swap them with all the people in the front. It takes about a half hour, but it's a lot of fun. No takers?

Very echoey up here. Anything in the monitors? Anything? Anything? Any possible thing in these monitors? We're having a great time traveling around. Anyone been following the tour on Howl or Snapchat? We're Snapchating.

We've been having a great time. Sidewinder. Drove here from Chicago this morning. One dude, what did you say? Uh-huh. I thought so. Awful brave when it's loud. Whoa. Man down.

Always like a tangle of cords right up here at the front. Hopefully you're going to see someone fall and trip tonight. It'll be that way. that order, falling and then tripping. Because we just took some shrooms. And we are peeking. Saw so many dead animals on the road. So many so that I started to think,

am I supposed to be trying to hit animals? I don't know what happens in Michigan. Please don't, please don't. What is this? Oh, Sarah Silverman threw a tampon over here. It's right there. And she signed it. She did that at the UCB Theater, too, in L.A.

And it was up for 10 years. Fantastic. What is it? Saturday? That's fun. I've really run out of things to talk about. This is our 22nd show. Yeah. How many belvederees?

There's only one, Mr. Belvedere, in my household. Trust me, we are not going to be here. able to understand anything you shout at the stage. So there's no point to it, really. Get through show number 22. No, we're very happy to be here. Saturday night. It's electric. I have a feeling this show is going to be extra fun tonight because it's Saturday. You know what happens on Saturdays.

We're just going to have a ball. We've been traveling around the country with a great group of people and tonight is no exception. Certainly. Hey, this is really good right here, right in front of it. Step one foot to the side, you can not hear a thing. But that's what happens in Detroit, am I right? I paid 80 cents to get on the toll road to get here. Can we round these up to a dollar? I literally laughed.

I said, how much is it? First of all, they couldn't even afford a sign that said 80 cents. I had to ask, how much is it? She said 80 cents, and I laughed. 80 cents to get into Michigan? I bet there are some who don't pay it. There's something over here. Put this on your royal oak.

Chris Hardwick. Okay. All right. Where are you off to? What's happening? You are scampering off like you are being chased. Whoa, okay. All right.

It's cool. It's cool, dude. Oh, God. please I don't want to get my ass kicked in Michigan I paid 80 cents to get here that was the largest human being I've ever seen that is disconcerting

front row standing yeah are you with him that's your husband yeah he's large and then you winked at me like you get it I understand man who's a

who's a fan of the podcast you or him? You, so he has no idea what's going on. Yeah. I get 120 seconds in. He just went off like a shot for the bar. Honey, I don't understand this whole thing that you're into. There's going to be a lot of that tonight.

Significant others, you are not going to get it tonight. Well, we're having a great time. Are you guys ready to start the show here? What do you say? My people in the back... Come on back. that's enough out of the front row. I don't want anyone else getting up.

All right, we have a great group of people here tonight, and here's someone here coming to the stage right now. What am I saying? Let me rephrase. Coming to the stage is a great friend of mine. He's been on the show since maybe the very beginning. He is an artisan craftsman who basically, uses the medium of desserts.

Please welcome Buddy Velastro, aka the cake boss. A little hard to understand, so it took me a second to process that. I was talking to them, not to you.

So are we supposed to just talk to them and not actually understand each other? We could give it a shot and see how it goes. Okay. How are you guys doing?

Scott's question, whatever it was. I have to talk to each other. This is going to be impossible. You know why, you're right. If we want our relationship to continue, you.

You're positioning yourself in front of the monitor for. Yeah, I'm going to move slightly in front of this. Anything like at 11 or 1 is just impossible to... This is great. Now it's like I have you yelling into my face. Buddy.

Oh. You for pronouncing my name correctly for the first time ever, I'm pretty sure. It's... Now you're doing... You'll be willfully obtuse. I would accuse you of that in a long time. Velastro. Is that what is. Velastro, that's right. You think it's going to be a magician, but it's not.

Velastro. That's right. Is that what the magician would say when he pops out of a box as well? No, he got magician words for that. Well, abracadabra, you know, that could have been someone's name. I suppose it could have been. Maybe Abercadabraberg originally. Shorten for show business. Oh, I thought maybe like an Ellis Island situation. It's nice to smile at each other. I know. Well, I was giving you some room because you were about to say something.

Was I? About Velastro. Valastro. I think that abracadabra is a magic word you used to make a thing happen. But then after the thing is happening, you go, voila.

Wala. Yeah, or if you want... They say presto-chango, but I think isn't that to then change something? Or is that like, once you've changed a rabbit, into a hat or whatever. Is that how tricks work?

That's not how tricks work. I think traditionally it is you pull a rabbit out of a hat because that's not where rabbits go. Those were the original magic tricks. Were they not just like putting a rabbit in a hat and going, look, this is a trick?

Can you imagine the first time you walked into someone's house and there was a bird in there? And they said, this is my pet. And you said, what's that word? Now hold on this. second. You're saying that the first animal domesticated was a bird?

I don't know. It was definitely the dog. You think so? Yeah. Dogs have always meant to be domesticated. Dogs have always meant to be domesticated. That's what I said. Yeah. I'm repeating it back.

So maybe you listen to it and realize it sounded crazy. You made it sound like it was the dog's idea to be domesticated. No, I've read that they like it. They like being domesticated. Yeah, you like it now, because they're dumb. We made them dumb.

They used to be cunning wolves. The days of my ancestors in Italy, the wolves would raise the people. What? Yeah. And then they were so good, they were such good parents. And then somehow it got switched around where I guess, you know...

Lines got blood. A Robin Thick situation here. Sorry, that's a trigger warning for anyone. What fun to remember that fun song. With an equally fun video. You with those guys, they were talking about making that video. Robert Thicker, who was the other guy? You got Farrell, certainly, and you have TI as well.

Sure. And then Robert Thick is like, yeah, you know, we're married guys. So it was like fun to objectify women. See how long that lasted. I get, I'm a married. Well, that's right, because Robert Thick, he got divorced. His wife was like, I don't want to be married to you no more. And then Robert Thick is like, this album will get you back.

As well as capture the fancy and imagination of the American public. That's right. Maybe he figured, hey, if my wife don't take me back, at least I can marry all of America once they swoon for this album. The album was Paula, is that right? Why are we talking about this? I don't know. It's my fault.

I brought it up. Hey, that one's on me. We're genuinely interested in this topic, unfortunately. I don't think anyone else is. I know that somebody in the front row is not interested in any of this at all. Did you get your beer, sir? What did you get? Hey, Singleto Mayo at the Royal Comusic.

I don't know. He's shouting, he thinks you're Alan Thick or something. I'm not. I'm a different guy. I know there was a lot of Robin Thick talk, and I got confusing. Who absolutely doesn't want to be here at all? What's that? Is it sold out?

Yes, it sold out. Oh, so what a shame for you, Scott Oxerman. Two empty seats in the front row. You must feel like a failure. Are they up for grabs? Can anyone sit in them? I'm not engaging you anymore. This is a guy who shouted pains at us, literally two seconds ago.

Yeah, shutting it down, shutting it down. Shutting it down. Nagado. Remember when Drew, Drew, Drew, Derry, you all said? Drew Carey, remember Drew Carey, told Dana Carvey, hey, you should do a George Bush impression? And the Dana Carver was like, good advice, Drew Carey, I will. Nagada. Nagada, he would do. That was fun. That was fun. Val Aströ.

That sounds like you're an alien. And you're coming to smuggle me into your spacecraft. Is that alien language that I'm saying, or I'm saying your name? No, you are trying to say my Earth's name. Valastro. That's right. That's the best you can do. Get in the trunk.

In the trunk of the spacecraft? Extra storage. What are you storing in the main compartment that you need the extra storage? in the trunk. So, buddy... Yeah. Obviously, it's been quite a bit since I've seen you, hasn't it?

Obviously, it's been quite a bit. We haven't seen each other. I saw you at another stop on the tour. Was it Terrytown? No. Was it any of the other cities we've been to that I can't remember? It was one of them.

It was a couple nights later. Toronto in Canada. Toronto, that's right. I saw you in Toronto. Oh my God, there's been a moment. Murder. Everyone remain in your seats. Lock the doors.

Everyone is a shushbect. Did you say shushbect? Hey, Jersey. I'm sorry. That is maybe the quintessential cake boss word. Cake boss? What? You mean?

What about shushbish? I tickled you with that one. I love that. Hey, before we get going. Yeah. I'd want to ask you, do you ever take any sort of exercise classes at the gym? I'll do like spin clash, aerobics. Step aerobics.

Better say it's specific thing. I know. I think we might have talked about. Have we? Do you ever, you know what John Kusack used to do and say anything? Kickboxing? Kickboxing. Kickbox.

That was worth it. Sure. Sure. We have fun. Sure. So, buddy. Yeah. Last time I saw you, you were in Toronto and you were making a cake coffin for the late

Mayor? Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto. It was his last wishes. I made him a coffee that was also an edible cake. He was not edible, though. I mean, in the same way that no human being is supposed to be edible? I think you can eat that you're not supposed to eat. And if you eat too much of any matter, you will die.

Was this Willy Wonka over here? Is that something Willy Wonka said? It sounded kind of like oopalumpa. you're teaching me a lesson. You don't like it, really? No, it takes, like, fun thing, like sweets, and it makes it into some sort of your bed because you like gum.

What? Sorry, you weirdo. Sorry, I like gum, so what? What a mortal sin for a child don't like TV. Get off your high horse, you phony. Do you consider Roll Dahl to be the phony, or do you consider Gene Wilder and everyone complicit? No, I like Gene Wilder, but Rodol, he had some problems, that guy.

An anti-Semite, from what we understand. Oh, not good. Supposed to be pro. Ask you a question. Why is everybody moving the fuck around all the time? Farm up here. Just Christ. Sit the fuck down.

Look, where's she coming from? She waves. There should be an ice. I'm sorry. I almost said, I sorry. There should be an I'm sorry. Should be, I sorry. I'm sorry. There should be an I'm sorry gesture.

There really isn't one. You know, like, this is, hi. There's one in the car. If you're in the car and you do a wrong thing and somebody hugs at you and you like, get your shoulders right up around your ears. And you're like, ugh, ugh. Put your hand up like, please don't strike me.

I did it wrong. I changed my mind at the last second for that turn. I thought you're going with the other gesture that you do in the car. What's that just your, Scott? Flipping the old bird. Do you ever do that? I don't do that.

I'm a very polite driver. I practice defensive driving. Defensive driving. Yeah. Are you really going to pretend you didn't know what I said at first? You like to make a lot of hay out of the way I talk, Scott Oxerman. I'm sorry. It's just you have, you say it's because you're from New Jersey.

I'm from New Jersey. So, buddy, you got done with your business in Toronto. Did the funeral went all right? Everything was good? I mean, it went all right. If you've ever seen a grieving family, eat a casket from under a corpse. By those standards, it went great. Was it something that they didn't think of beforehand?

Like, oh, once we eat it, what's he going to be residing upon? I don't think they intended to eat it in the first place. But look, once you see a cake, that pig, and it looked beautiful. It looked like a real casket, but you knew it was a cake. And it smelled so good, that buttercream frosting and all that fondant. So did he eventually fall to the floor? Yeah. And you didn't do anything to the body.

Like, he was not full of... That's somebody else's job. He wasn't full of icing or anything. No. What? Me like, like, ice is the weird thing. It's weird. You did the weird thing.

All I know, there's a funeral director that it bombs the body. All I did was make a fool's... scale coffin cake. It was to scale. Yeah, it was a size of a real coffin. It was one to one. One to one, baby. You know your pet is family, right? You do anything for them, right? I mean, we've

had our dogs for, I believe, almost 10 years at this point. Oh, yeah, nine years. Little over nine years and then seven for our other ones. And we would do anything for them. But you got to know, they're going to be constantly going to the vet, right?

Having two, that's double the vet bill. Those bills can add up fast, and that is where ASPCA pet health insurance comes in. It helps cover unexpected vet bills so you can focus on what matters most, giving your pet the care that they need when they need it. And here's a little bonus. There's a perk for enrolling. When you enroll in ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Plan, you can get a $25 Amazon gift card, just a little treat, you know, for when you're doing something good.

good for your pet. The plans are customizable for accidents and illnesses, so it's easy to get the coverage that your pet needs. To explore coverage, visit ASPCA petinsurance.com slash freedom. That's ASPCA pet insurance.com slash freedom. Eligibility restrictions apply. Visit ASPCA pet insurance.com slash Amazon terms for more info.

This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either independence, in American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. I've realized that a good wardrobe

isn't about having endless options. It's about having the pieces that actually work, comfortable, versatile, and built to last. That's exactly why Quince has become a staple in my closet. Quince makes everyday essentials with quality that last, their lightweight cashmere sweater, short sleeve Mongolian cashmere polos, linen shorts, and 100% pima cotton teas are all designed to mix and match afrilously. Everything is thoughtfully made, so your wardrobe actually works season after season without overcomplicating it.

Now, I recently got the neoprene travel bag. I love it so much. I just used it on a trip. I got the blue color. It's really pretty. It's sort of a cerulean. It's gorgeous. It had a lot of pockets. It's very easy to put on top of my suitcase with that strap in the back. And I love it. I also recently got from Quince a sort of wool trench that's very thin for the L.A. weather, but looks really chic. I just wore it to a family event, to many compliments. And you know what? I also love that Quince works directly with top factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're not paying for brand markup or fancy retail stores. So right now, go to quince.com slash freedom for free shipping and 365 days returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash freedom for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash freedom. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. Unfortunately, big wireless carriers seem to like keeping it too. After years of overpaying for my phone bill and dealing with hidden fees, I finally switched to Mint Mobile. And it's been such a relief. Mint Mobile plans started just 15 bucks a month and you can still get all the high speed data, unlimited talk and text, all on the

nation's largest 5G network, no long-term contracts, no complicated fees, just premium wireless that actually works, whether you bring your own phone or set up a new one in minutes with ESIM. Now, I switched to MittMobile myself last year. Honestly, it's just as reliable, if not more than my old provider, which shall not be named. Same coverage, same speed, way more savings than my old carrier. Switching was easy and I started saving immediately. If you like your money, MintMobile is for you. Shop plans at MintMobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Up front payment of $45 for three month five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra C,

MintMobile for details. Very good. So you got done. Very good. You got done. Yeah. Did you travel immediately here to the Detroit area? I was summoned here. Summoned? I was. By...

A government official. My goodness. Someone in the Michigan government? Yes. The head of the Michigan government. Governor Rick Schneider. U-ray! Everybody says.

for their governor. Chearing for him. So they draw out the who. Yeah, he wanted me to make a cake for him because he was going to Flint, Michigan, just to celebrate how great his life is. And he felt bad for the people in Flint, you know, because of the water situation.

So he's like, I got a great idea. I'll get the cake barge in here, make a big cake, I'll go to Flint, Michigan, and I'll let them eat cake. That's a good advice in a nice situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That sounds natural to me now. Yeah. Before, here's what you sound like, ugh. That's an impression of you. That's how my voice sounds? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good.

Not Transylvanian. Fantastic. You heard my feelings a little cake boss. Oh, my cake mom. My feelings a little bit of a cake ball. Cakeball. Wait, you can't do it to yourself. What are you talking about?

Evermore. So yeah, so I had to be. make him a cake. You made him a cake. What was the occasion? It was just to cheer them up. Just like it's great to be Governor Schneider. Did he have you write that in icing at all? Yep.

It was a direct quote. It had quotation mics and then attributed to him. Quotation mics. Did I say mics? You sure did. Well, it's not quotation mics. Well, I mean, it makes as much sense as Marx.

It's like, which guy and which guy created it, Mark or Mike, who cares? Sometimes I feel like your grasp of the English language is tenuous at best. Because look, I'm not like a Rhodes Scholar or whatever. I didn't go to a college somewhere near Cambridge, right? Oh, I know which one you're talking about.

Yeah, I didn't go there. You know, you don't have to be so elusive about it if you didn't go there. Oh, that's what everybody calls it, so I thought that was the proper thing. Three people know what we're talking about. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. I know that sometimes words sound the same,

but they can be different things in different contents. And that seems to be something that eludes you. Homo nymph. That's right. So anyway, this guy, you're Governor Rick Schneider. He's very exact thing about his cakes, right? He's like, listen, do me a favor. Or this cake to be great.

Whatever you do, don't use any of that flint water when you're making the cake. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I was like, all right, whatever you want, Mr. Governor, sure. Because I respect people in the High elected office. You respect the office, if not the man. Yeah, I respect the man, too.

I respect everybody. You love anyone. I love anyone. If they order a cake from you, they're okay by you, right? Hey, anybody who likes cake can't be all bad. What if they don't like cake? They're bad. What about the people who like, you know, other desserts like, like, you know,

other desserts like pie. Bull. It's ridiculous. Sloppy mesh. It's like pouring dog food into a bowl. They're putting bread on top of it. What about pot pies? That's different.

That's not a dessert. Wait, so, I mean, it's practically the same concept, pouring. Practically. Do you eat any other desserts other than cake? Nope. I'll tell you what. Here's what I will eat It's she's, you know

I show you think about it and let it go I love those Canberry cream eggs Do you The show full of sugar I take a bite of water And I'm chewing on it And then I feel like a hot sweat

Form just under my eyes But they're gone now right What? They're gone What do you mean they're gone? I mean Easter is over Oh. Scott Oxerman, I thought you meant the God from the planet.

That they'd stop making them. That the aliens came down and said Velasco. Here's a couple holding hands at our conversation. Feel free to make out if you like. Oh, yeah. Oh, there they go. Kish cam. This is a Kish Kemp fighting.

That Kish, that Kish, that kiss camp. So, here's the thing. He told me not to use the flit water. Right. Do you use water a lot in cakes? I think I use it probably 100% of the time? I don't know. What do you put it in? Like the cake mix or?

I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You've never used a cake mix. I do you the favor of pretending you didn't say the first time. Then you say it again? I apologize. I just said you've never done it. Yeah, but you said it like a question. You think I can't read inflection? What planet are you from?

Tell me the truth. I'm not from a planet. Oh, I don't like it. I'm seated like a human being. I'm not from a planet. Humans sit just like this. You're unnerving today. Let me say it again.

You've never used a cake mix. That's right. I've never used a cake mix. I don't, look, I don't blame people for using cake mix in their privacy at their own dope. If you got to do that, you're not an odd as shit. Like, I. I am. But if they step outside their home, you don't like it? Yeah, I don't like when people make cakes in an office building or whatever.

Or on the highway. Is that your line of questioning? Whatever people do behind closed doors, it's okay by you. Yeah, that's right. You don't like them flaunting it around out in public. Is that what you're trying to say? That's exactly right. Hey, do what you want.

Just stay away from me with that. Look how delighted you all with yourself. You, cake boss. Kick boss, what? I find that hard to believe. So now he said don't use... So he said don't use the water. Which obviously you didn't.

And great job. Well, here's the thing. I didn't have enough time to make the... No, cake boss. So I couldn't get special governor water. I just turned on the old tap. It made a fine cake.

The cake looked good. the big cake ceremony is going to be in a couple days. Just to be on the shave side, I sampled the cake. What? I do that with every cake to make sure it's good. First of all, how do you do that? Do you, like, take a chunk out of the cake and eat it? Does every cake you make have, like, a little bite taken out of it?

How do you sample a cake? Have you ever heard the word of batter? I've been to a baseball game once or twice. Why would I bother saying that? Why would I do that? That's on me. The crack of the bat. Yeah, I like the crack of bat right now.

I shampoo the cake before it is ready. Sometimes you'll make a little miniature version of the cake. Oh, that's interesting. I'm an interesting guy. Is that a certain scale? Is it like one to ten scale? I don't know. It's just like almost a cupcake-sized version of the cake.

Almost a cupcake. It doesn't have to be precise. It's just a little sample of the cake that I can. eat to make sure it's okay. Scott Oxygen, you aren't getting me very upset. I'm interested in your process. What I'm wondering is, is by the time you've baked it,

you have a little tiny cake, what if it's wrong? Like, what if you go, that's not, you know? You drool. Don't you understand? I make the little tiny cake first. Oh. Why would I make? I thought you made them side by side.

No. I don't like to make them shy by shy. I mean, do what you want, but if you want to make them by shine your own home, hey, that's fine, that's fine, that's fine, that's all of my business. First, I make the little version of the cake,

and I taste that to make sure it's okay, then I'm like, good, well, all systems go, let's make the big version of the cake. How often is the little version not to your liking? I'm going to say, Giro Pichet, because I'm the boss of cakes. Fantastic. So,

you sampled the time. We are being driven mad. So you made a tiny flint cake. I made a tiny flint cake. Did you have to do the icing, the exact same quote? I didn't have to. I got to do that. It's always a chance for me to practice my skills. So I have, you know, you get an icing bag, you squeeze that, you make the thing.

I have a little teeny icing bag for a little miniature cake. Do you squeeze it with your pinkies together? Yeah, and it's exactly right. And I got like, oh, and I got like, jewelers' goggles on with the big magnifying lenges. Writing and writing it. And sometimes it takes so long to write it with the little lettering. I forget that it's not a regular size cake

because I'm looking at it through the magnifying thing. Sure. Then I take them off and I'm surprised. Like, oh, what is this? Alice in Wonderland? Did I get big? But it's not. No, I just forgot that it was short.

You forgot. What a wonderful surprise, though, then you get to eat this cake. Yeah. But for purely scientific purposes. Sure. So you ate the Flint cake. I ate the Flint cake. And everything's fine?

Tasted fine? Tasted fine? That was about an hour ago. And I got to be honest with you. I feel a little weird. You feel strange. Some adverse effects. Yeah.

Yeah. I just, I just feel weird. Okay. Is there anything I can do for you? Can I give you the Heimlich? Is that something? No, I wish, here. No, I said no.

What are you? Why would you? Highlick, I feel it's like the number one most requested thing that you could do to someone, but like you would only do it if they asked you to do it, indicating I'm choking to death. Well, sometimes they can't ask because they're choking. That's why they indicate I'm choking to death. See, you think you're gonna catch me.

But I choose my words very carefully, Scott Oxerman. You have to around me. You have to around me. You got to admit, that's dead on. I don't think so. I'm like the new Danny Gage over here. Oh, Gantz. What'd you think I said?

For a minute, I thought you said Danny K. One Danny K fan is fucking loving it back there. They did it. I won $10,000. They said it. About the Inspector General. Wasn't that the movie? The Inspector General?

There was some movie that he did that was like on TV every Sunday afternoon for, I feel like, the first 80 decade of my life. The challenge or the palace, whatever. Well, that was... The court gesture? The court gesture, yeah. The flagging with the dragon holds the brood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Fun with words. I feel like we should be talking about how you feel because you're not looking all that great, I have to say. I feel strange. You got an accident. Yeah. Well, I remember one time you made a cake. One time, come on, I made a bunch of cakes.

No, but I'm remembering... You're diminishing me in front of company. I'm remembering a specific one time that you made a cake, a droid cake. Yeah. And you put too much cinnamon in it. R2D2. Deroge. Right.

The Androge cake that had too much cinnamon. came to life. Right. It achieved Shantirich and that I had to eat it to death. I'll never, I will forever be haunted by its shilling boops and beeps as it.

Was devoured by me in my cake kitchen. Thank God I cannot understand Android's language. I was bad, the horror of his final word. Which will probably please stop eating me.

I'm alive. Is it anything like that situation? Do you feel like that? Well, that time I just felt shad. Like it didn't affect me physically. Right. Well, I remember another time you were bitten by a cake bug. That's right.

That granted me the power of the shack and shite where I could see it to the future. When you go into your cake trance. Go into my cake trance. And then another time you were bitten by a cake scarab. That's right. A cake scarab bit me. and that enabled me to communicate with the dead, not just people from life who are dead,

but also people from the world of fiction for whom enough time has passed that we can presume that they would be dead by now, like Huckleberry Finn. And at one time Chubaka died in a Star Wars book. Although now it's non-cananical. It's non-cananical, as you say. Yeah, he's back.

He's back into Canaan? Canaan. The Last Padawan. Never mind. Canaan is a pretty good Star Wars name. That's not bad. I believe it's Canaan, the last pet. Anyway.

Never mind, I said. So is it anything like those situations? No, this is different. I feel like, I don't feel like myself. You know what I mean? Yeah. You look terrible.

Well, stop saying that for a start. Because I don't care what... Whatever's going on, it's not a welcome thing to hear. I think I need to get out of your line of You know, I'm in the splash zone here in case you In case I vomit Yeah

How far do you think you can vomit if you had to guess Oh that's a really good question I'm actually, I don't know I feel like 15 feet I'd like to believe that guy I just got caught up in our conversation It took me out of my word but I don't think that's what it is

I think he's bummed, we didn't say pains. I'm going to get behind you, is that all right? Get deep behind me, Scott Oxerman. Anything I can do for you? Can I get you a cold compress? Oh, how about this? Why don't you shut up for two seconds? That would be a blessing to me. Oh. Buddy.

Oh, I don't feel so good, Scott Ockhammed. Buddy, buddy. What's that way to me? What's your name, Beanpole? Hi, I'm Scott Ackerman. Scott Ackerman. Nice to meet you. How's it going? Buddy Velastro still?

No, sorry. He must have been mistaken for someone else. What's your name, sir? What's my name? My name is Audience Stoolman. That's right. My name's audience stoolman. I'm a real cool guy. Did you just say that because you were looking at both the audience and then the stool and then a man?

That's absurd. I'm a cool guy with a cool name, audience stoolman. I'm sorry, you have a lot of qualities that a friend of mine, buddy Velastro, share. Oh, is that so? Like, is he a cool guy? I mean, not really, but... Well, does he sound confident, self-assured, like I do? No, he stutters with his words. He has a speech impediment that's really annoying. And he has the audacity to make fun of my voice.

You sound like a good friend. You know how when you've known someone for a long time. Yeah, I get that, I get that. So what's going on here? What's this all about? It seems pretty cool. This is a, we're having a live podcast taping here. Oh, what?

I don't know. It's hard to explain to anyone. And so far we have three empty seats in the front. And there will be more as the night goes on. Podcast, that sounds familiar. Is that the entertainment that's not good enough to pay for? Exactly. Right.

Presupposed it to be free. So all these people got tricked into being here by some reason. Maybe there's a tornado outside, and they were told in here their shelter. Hey, look at this guy. Where are you coming from there, sport? What's that? Where are you coming from? The bathroom.

And they're selling beer in there now? That sounds great. News are selling beer in the bathroom. You want to save some time, just drink it in there, too. I'm a cool, fuck. Guy. Audience. Is that your first name? Hey, call me odd. Odd, what do you do for a living? What do I do for a living? Singing. I'm a cool singing guy. Pardon me for saying this, but it looked like you just look down at the

microphone. As I always do when I'm singing at my job, which is singing. What style of music do you? The kind people like. Popular music. Sure. Hits of the day. Songs from here, there, and everywhere that the whole office can agree on. Any flashback lunches? Absolutely plenty of flashback lunches. Well, not that I don't believe you,

but I just would love to hear an example of your singing. Sure, I'd love to sing for you. And perhaps for this audience? Well, they were dumb enough to come here in the first place. I'm sure I can entertain them. with a song I just made up. Please take Center State. I will, now that you've asked.

Any particular song you'd like to hear? Any particular type of song or subject, song, subject? I love songs that are about lines that have been blurred. That's my genre. I feel like that's been covered. Okay, what about, you know, one artist that I really love is the artist, Sia. That's really? Anything by Sia you could sing?

No. I'm not a human jukebox. Why are you asking me then? Do you want a subject matter? I didn't say, is there a particular artist that you would like me to sing their catalog? You were very evasive about what you wanted for me. That's cool, isn't it?

Do you want a subject matter? Another one bites the dust. Gonna go buy one of those bathroom beers. How about the subject matter of birthdays. Birthdays. Everybody's got them until they're six feet under.

Does anyone celebrating a birthday here this evening? That person pointed at another person. Tomorrow? You lied. Here's a song about lying about birthdays. Why do we do it every year?

It happens when the calendar turns another page. We lie about birthdays cause we hear someone's going to come and yell at us about our age, it's birthday time, it's time to lie, got a lie about your birthday,

get on the train. Wow. Parentheses, get on the train. Brackets, woo, woo, and brackets, close parentheses. That song also falls within the genre of songs with train noises.

It's a small subgenre, but it's one that I think is real cool. Um, I feel like we're in the middle of like a nutty cake fessor situation. You just make up a word? Because that's cool. I just, my friend Buddy, went missing about five minutes ago. Really? And then you came here.

Now what did Buddy look like? Well, he, uh, is wearing a cake smock. Right, cake smock. And I think a backwards hat? You think? Or what? it is hair. It could have been either.

How good are you at something different between hats and hair? I'm not good. That's one thing I've never been able to recognize. You could be wearing a hat as far as I know. I'm not. That's hair. It's hair. Fantastic.

So, how long do you think you're going to be sticking around? Wouldn't get used to me. I'm trying to remember the rules of the Professorverse. At what point. Have you ever seen these movies? The Nuddy Professor? I have no idea what you're talking.

talking about. Ooh, hold on a second. Remember to have urgent cool business offstage. Oh, okay. Do you need to run off stage? I do.

Do you mind leaving the microphone? I don't at all because I don't think it'll reach. Hey man, I'd like to say it's been a lot of fun talking to you. So I will. It's been a lot of fun talking to you. You thought I was going to be mean, but I'm not mean.

I'm cool. Well, thank you, audience. Let's do a cool handshake. Try to give each other the high audience happened to me Buddy you're back Oh, have I hallucinating two people sat in these chairs

They've been empty the entire show Buddy, I only have one thing to ask What's that? Is that your hair or is it a hat? It's a little difference between hair and a hat? I can't They're the same shape a lot of the time What are you talking about?

Skull-shaped Don't you even care? that I was ill. I care, yeah. What happened to you? Do you remember anything? I just felt terrible. And then I woke up backstage. Did you lovingly carry me off the stage and lay me down a cradle my head while I was sleeping? Not exactly.

You fell on the floor and do you really want to know what happened to you? No. Let's keep the mystery alive. Okay. Has anything like this ever happened to you before? Like what? Where I got shaken passed out? Sure.

Yeah. With the college, you know. Did you experiment in any other ways in college? Oh, casual ways. It's your time to find yourself. Yeah. We have sudden clarity in these. Have you noticed that?

What's that? In the monitors? Yeah. Like, I can finally understand what you're saying. Oh, good. I'm glad. All right, well, buddy, can you stick around here? I have literally nowhere else to be.

All right, fantastic. Buddy Velaster, the cake. Big boss. Hey boss. And there's two empty chairs over there. Did you guys just move from over there to here? Where were you before? With your actual sheets?

So this was like we were doing a commercial for two empty sheets up front. And you were like, it worked. I like their initiative, though. Right? These are plucky young ladies who are like post-Ali McBeal. They're like sisters are doing it for themselves.

That's your demarcation point Is Ali McBeal That's my generation You're of the Allie McBeal generation That's how I define myself, yeah Back home at Carlos In my cake kitchen We talk about Ali Beal all the time

It's a constant reference point Like somebody order a cake And they'll say how big is you supposed to be I'll say as big as the dancing baby was And everybody knows exactly what I mean We're all huge Peter McNickle fans I've never seen one episode. Oh, you're just cheating yourself.

I'm not sure, baby. Do you think I should go back and take a look? I think you definitely should immediately. And just see what Han Solo really fell in love with? Now, do you not know the name of the actor, or are you thinking that the character, Hans Solo fell in love with the character of Ali McBeal? Because of show, you're reading my slash fic,

and I'll thank you to buy Joel Bich. Is that why he was away from Leia for all that time? Yeah. All right, very good. So you can stick around. Very good. Shut up. Only 18 states require sex ed to be medically accurate.

And relationship classes? Let's fix that. I'm Shan, an A-Sex certified sex educator with a master's in psych. And on my podcast, Lovers by Shan, we make learning about love as mind-blowing as making it. Celebrities and fascinating people share an intimate story. Then we uncover the lesson for all of us. watch Lovers by Shen from Lemonada Media on YouTube or listen wherever you like your podcast. I forgot our next guest name already.

Oh, this is interesting. This is someone who is an artist. He is an actor. So that's exciting. Like Harrison Ford. Who? He's an actor. So please, I forgot the name again.

Please welcome. Please welcome to the stage, Dinky Little. Dinky Little. Dinky. It's nice to be here. Hello, America. That's where I am, right? You are in America, yes.

Detroit area specifically. Okay. Michigan. Got it. Am I the first to inform you of this? Yes, you are. My driver just takes me to my gigs. You drove here from where?

I drove here from Florida Keys. How long does that take? Five days. A lot of stops. Yes. I like to sleep over in every town we pass through. Every single town? Yes.

Just to get a feel for the beds at each Hampton Inn. What was your favorite? Kansas City. What was your least favorite? Kansas City. You do the math. What was wrong with the bed there? Not Lisa.

Enough. Thanks to our sponsor for the tour, Elisa mattresses. If you like mini-fridges and want to be disappointed when you open a box. Because it's not a mini-fridge. What an intriguing slogan. It's an interesting one, but they went with it. I don't know. Yes.

So, Dinky, and your last name, by the way, is spelled L-I-D-D-L-E. That it is. Even though I'm looking at you here and you are... I'm pretty small. How tall are you, Dinky? Take a guess. I mean, you look to be... Smaller.

Three, ten. Got it. I thought we were going to go Price's Right style. Were you going to go one? The closest wins a toaster. So, Dinky, you're an actor. That's so fascinating. Yes, I'm the world's oldest child actor.

Oldest child actor. You betcha. How old are you? Oh, guess again. One. No. Two. I think I'm closest without going over.

Still guess again, one time. 80. You got it. That's my age. You're an 80-year-old, three-foot-10. Child actor. Child actor.

Yes. Mr. Little, cake boss, Carlos Bakery. Why did you do that? You said it, I said it. Yeah, why did you say my name after I say my name? I thought that's, okay, no, I'm sorry. What a weird thing to do.

You say that you're the oldest child actor? Yes, I am. But you are a man. Uh-huh. So how are you a child actor still? Well, I, you know, every show you've ever seen with a kid? Yeah. That's me.

Every single show with a kid? Yep, every show with a kid starring or a kid as a series regular, that's me. So, full house? Yep. We're not going to guess more? Oh, sure, go ahead. You just wanted to explore full house.

Sure, yeah, but that's okay. We can move on. That had multiple kids, though. Yeah, I thought that was the Olson twins. Oh, no, I only play one kid on each show. I guess I should clarify. Okay, that makes Washington. Every show.

So did that make slightly more shit? Okay, what guesses do you have? Bishop Belvedere. Uh-huh. Let's sing the theme song. Streaks on the China. Never matter before. Who cares when you drop, kick your jacket.

As you shut to the door. Amazing. I feel like you practiced that or something backstage. I've never heard that song before. Yeah, we made sure that I would drop out. completely dropout. I thought that was the breakdown. As if I didn't know the word.

We practiced it ten days ago in an airport. I've never seen that show either. What the fuck. Please, please. I loved being on that show as the kid. You were the kid in that show. Yes, I was the brother. The brother to whom?

Mr. Belvedere? No. The brother to the girl. Belvedere was their butler. Okay. Well? He can't have a brother? No, I wouldn't be a child.

Why not? Because he was a grown man. Grown men have child brothers all the time. Ah, you got me there. Anyways, I love being a child actor. It's my passion. You know, it all started with my love of wearing children's clothing. That's how it started.

When did that start? Well, when I was a child. Sure. And then I just didn't stop. partly because I'm so tiny. Yeah, you didn't grow out of the clothes, I guess. But I never bought man-style clothes. I just, I liked the kid's style with cool suns

with sunglasses on them and stuff. Could you just, because people are listening to this, could you describe your outfit? Yes, I'm wearing a t-shirt with a sun with sunglasses on it. It's pretty cool. And then I have on some gym shorts that say umbro. and my sneakers are that of the new balance with light-up bottoms.

You kind of talk like my friend, the timekeeper. That of the new balance. It can't be explained. So you just love the clothing so much. Yes, and then I found out I could change my physicality so well. I booked all these roles. It just kept happening. What was the first role that you booked?

Raven Simone. On the Cosby show? Yes, I was Olivia. You used a pseudonym? Yes, I was playing the role of Raven Simone as Olivia. And this is well into your life at this point. Yes, I was at least 60 by then, probably. You're 50-ish, I would think.

Yes, probably more like that. So this is late in life. So you, from the ages 10 to 50, I was a painter. You were a painter. Yeah. I really fell into this passion, you know. I got up one day and I just went, ooh!

And I was cast on the Cosby Show. What kind of painting did you do? Abstract. Usually shapes. Things I'd seen in my nightmares. You see shapes in your nightmares. I see old paintings I've seen before. You see before.

So basically some say I'm a copy. cat. But there are things I've seen in my dreams. A forger, some would say. Sure. Some have said, I've been arrested for it, so. You've been arrested forgery. Uh-huh. A famous painting. Uh-huh. Were you convicted of forgery? Yes. Did you go to jail? Absolutely. What was it like in jail? What was it like? Yeah. Terrifying, but I decided I'll act like a kid and they won't touch me. Did that work? Yes, it did. Everyone there was very polite. Were they just like you would pass by it?

They'd go, oh, that must be the warden's kid. Yes. Leave them alone. Yes, and they'd give me free bread. Otherwise, the bread would cost money? Oh, yes. In jail, you have to do chores to get bread. When you're a kid. Uh-huh.

Adults get free bread. Right. Okay, so they get the bread for free. Yeah. Kids are charged for bread in prison. Yes. In the form of chores. Yes. But that you were a kid that they were so charmed by that they said,

have some free bread. Yes. But I still did my chores. I'm a good little boy. How do you know that you weren't getting the bread because you did the chores? Because a prisoner would sneak it to me out of his pants. I'm not really a kid, you see, so it's not as bad as you might be imagining. I understand.

It's hard because you look so childlike. I know, and that's my curse. And my biggest blackest. messing. How were you able to play all these different roles? It looks so different at every TV show. Well, I used a lot of cosmetics and prosthetics and anesthetics. Well, you would...

Calesthetics. And... Who would you anethystad? Hold on. Oh, you got more? He's got another one. No, I don't. False alarm. Dianetics?

Yep. I am a Scientologist. You are. Okay. This is making more sense. It makes all the sense. in the world, Scott. I'll live forever with my alien form.

Something you know a lot about, don't you? I see you sitting like a human, just like me. Yes, we are human beings. This is making the cakebox very uncomfortable? We do not know Zinu. Not yet. I believe I'll meet him. Do you think?

Yeah, probably. Will you sit at the right hand of Zinu? Yes, I'll be Zinu's right hand. Man, right-hand little boy, if I have my way. Mr. Little, are there any roles that you wanted to get but never got? Yes, Clarissa explains it all. Were you not smart enough? I was smart enough. Come on, I can explain it all.

Also, they write scripts for TV shows. It's not like... Any dumb ass can do it. I don't know if you have to improv to get the part, or... No, no, Melissa Joan Hart was just too good. I came in in the wrong outfit. I knew it from the start. What outfit did you come in? A stack of hula hoops.

Like someone doing a world record or something? Yes, exactly. I had them strapped to my body. And I came in wiggling. It wasn't well received. They wanted someone more relatable. What am I going to do? Yeah.

Were you at least able to keep the hula hoop suspended? Yes, of course. Of course. It's my one skill on top of all the others I've named. What's your most recent project? I'm working on a new show. It's on ABC Family. I'm playing a girl who's blind, deaf and doesn't want anyone to talk to her. The best role I've had to date. How does she act then? Give us a little taste of it, if you could. Okay.

Yeah. Do you want us to do a scene here or something? I'd love that. Okay. What can we do here? You both be my lesbian mothers. All right. Hey, hon. Talk to the hand

because the face don't want to listen. And it can't. What a sassy... I didn't write it. It's from ABC Family. What a sassy daughter we have. Maybe it's because what we're doing is sanctioned by the government

and it's a government intruding our people's lives. All right. All right. What? What? You're all right with it. If it's spine close.

Do it's behind closed doors? Hey, if it's behind closed doors, do whatever you want. Ooh, what do you do behind closed doors? Hey! That's a personal question, Mr. Little. Sorry, cake boss. What I do is... Why did you do that? What? Never mind. Do you do is I make cakes. That's what you do behind closed doors.

Yeah. Why do you close the doors? So I don't make people hungry. Oh, so cheeky. That's a naughty. I make a cake for nobody. I just make a cake and I throw it down a garment. Because I'm the boss of cakes. My wife for him, he should be up in the bedroom, and she's like, buddy, why are you stuffing another cake down the garbage disposal?

And then I scream, I am a golden god. Played a man in a show, a little boy? A little boy, yes, I have. Actually, from full house, I played both. What are you giggling, whatever that noise is. You're salivating, perverted. Monster. I played out of the twill. How dare you? How dare you? I just met you. I just met you. Oh, steal me. All right, I guess we're in a meet-off. Okay, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. I'm out. I can't believe you won. Make any noise you want from here on out. Okay. That's acceptable. I played the twin boys on Full House. The twin boy? Jesse's children. Oh, okay. They were like a later addition to the show, right? Yes, when things needed spicing up.

After Michelle grew up, they needed to get a little kid in there. Just like on Fresh Prince, I played the nephew who's born on that show later in the seasons when they needed someone little to be exciting. Were you ever on the Brady Bunch? Yes, I was Oliver

What is adorable Golden Bowl cut? That is John Lennon Glasses. Yes, and shockingly, I think I was only in two episodes, so it feels like I was there a lot. Family ties? Uh-huh. I'm Michael J. Fox. But then I aged out, and they hired a different boy

to play him as a man. That poor boy. He developed that terrible... Well, you know. Just be glad you didn't stay in the role. Well. It wasn't Alex P. Keaton who got pocketed. I was in the role of Michael J. Fox playing Alex P. Keaton.

Listen to her, buddy. I'm a man. That's not been clear. He's a man. Sorry, sorry. What are you doing? You're a man. Of course you're a man.

Of course you're a man. Listen to her. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, ma'am. Nice to meet you, sir. Nice to meet. That's correct. I'm not mad about it.

But again, you bested me. I also came back to Royal Oak, Michigan because of my favorite show that I was ever on took place here. Home improvement? Yes, yes. Yeah, which one of the children were you? Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Oh! The hot one. You were JTT? Yes, I was. I absolutely was. What if I happened to the other brother on that show? The older one? Zach.

Right? Zachary. I think? He drives a tractor. professionally or for fun? Both. He loves his job. We'd drive it 24 hours a day if he could. If he could, but his wife won't let him.

He's always writing me letters complaining about her. What a bitch. She's a bitch. She won't let him do what he wants. Hey, Mr. Little, did you ever see Wilson's face? Wilson? Oh, he didn't have a bottom of his face. Oh, that's why they did that. Yes, his role was creative.

for him around his huge issue that his bottom half of his face was missing. He talked out of his asshole. You wouldn't have known it. What was under the bridge of his nose? Just air. His back of his neck, I guess. The back of it?

Yeah. Because the front was gone. This section was completely gone. He had top teeth but no bottom teeth. He begged for death every day. Out of his asshole? Yes. Such control over the asshole's movements.

I learned a lot. He was my vocal coach for years. That's why my breath smells like shit. It's been nice talking to you. Yes. It has been, hasn't it? Yeah. Dingy. I love you.

Oh, I love you. Yay. Well, let's be best friends. Okay. Okay. Oh, what? Kik boss. Why did you just say Kik boss?

Wait, you're on a Kik boss off? Kikbox? What? Kikbox? Kik box? Kik box? Kik box? Kik boss?

Kik boss? Kik boss? Kik boss? Kik boss? Kik boss? Kik boss? Ket boss? Ket boss?

That was exciting. Thank you. It was a bunch of times in a row. And then everybody cheered. You didn't say anything? I don't think you're cognizant of cake boss. You're not, Kvast. Why?

Kick bosnisens. My gosh. Well. Yes. Yes. We do have another guest. Should we get to them? I'd love that. Yeah?

Yes. Well, let's introduce him. Okay, do am I supposed to? Yeah, go ahead. I don't know his name. Well, then I'll do it. It's weird of you to offer. Well, you were looking at me, like, go.

How did you end up hosting this thing? I inherited it. Oh, a legacy higher. I want to scoot back. Let's all push back. That seems too far back almost. You're in the darkness. I'm in the darkness now?

How's this stuff? This is good? It's better, I guess. It gives everyone a nice view of the wires. Just like Baltimore. You all right there? I feel like this stool is about to fall apart. Yeah, what do we got here?

It's not good, right? Here, I'll give it to this guy. All right, let's get to our next guest. He is an Olympic medalist. That's exciting. Please welcome Raymond Flapper. Thanks so much for having me. This is great. Raymond Flapper.

So nice to meet you. An actual Olympic medalist. This is exciting. Yep. Olympic silver medalist, I should say. Okay, well, that's a medal. Yeah. Congratulations.

Yeah, thanks. Thanks for the half whistle in the back. What did you meddle in? I meddle, well, to be honest with you, I hold the U.S. record for the most silver medals. I won 21 of them. 21 silver medals. That's incredible.

Only silver, never gold. Never bronze. Never bronze. Never nothing. Really, you placed every single time you competed. Right. You got a silver medal. Yeah, that's pretty much.

You competed 21 times. And how many Olympics? Let's see, I did Athens, Beijing, London, you know, Rio coming up. So you, was it, did you win seven medals each Olympics? Something like that. But it's just a one sport, right? Yeah, and swimming. Swimming.

But all types of, yeah, all types of, let's see. the freestyle I do backstroke, the medley, butterfly. Every type of stroke you can do that they offer, I'll do it and I'll win second place. It's not too shabby. No, it's not. It's quite an accomplishment.

You don't seem very excited by it. No, you know, my coaches get down on me all the time about I should be practicing harder and all this, but I try my best. You know, I practice with Michael Phelps. you know, you practice with Michael Phelps. He's a gold medalist. Oh, he's good. He's good.

He's the best. He's great, and he's a great guy. Such a great guy. He seems like it. He really does. I liked his shirtless picture holding his newborn baby that recently was online. I didn't see that. Did the baby have the shirt on? The baby

was clothed, the daddy was nude. And Mommy was in a fuzzy background looking on like I had nothing to do with this. You see that a lot, people doing nude photos with their kids, fully clothed. Don't you?

No. I haven't even seen this picture. See, more like an advertisement for his body than, hey, I'm proud of my kid or my wife. You got to get people out to see swimming one way or another. Hey, hey, that Michael Phelpsch, he likes to party, right?

Yeah, he likes to party not as much as me, but he likes to party quite a bit. Oh, do you party? You know, half the reason I miss my practices is because I'm hung over from partying or staying out playing video games up all night type of stuff. You miss your practices alone? I miss the majority of the time I miss over half my practice.

I feel like... Half the practice session. I feel like being hungover and swimming would be the most miserable thing possible. It is not fun. Swimming in general isn't that great. You don't like it? No, I don't like...

Well, I kind of like it. I have... There's a whole history behind why I don't like swimming, but... Why did you even start swimming? The money was good, and I'm good at it. You didn't start swimming until the money got good? I knew the money would be good, and I'm good at it. So, that's why I took it up.

There was a lot of pressure for my dad, too. You started swimming because you knew you would be good at it. Yeah. You see, well, let me break it down for you. I swim with Matt Phelps a lot. Michael Phelps. You know what that is? I grew up with a kid named Matt Phelps.

That's true. So anyway... So anyway, I'll swim and practice with Michael Phelps. I don't know if Matt Phelps swims anymore. I didn't swim when I knew him. Maybe he'll hear this. She don't get in touch with you. Maybe.

And update you. Let me know if you're swimming still, Matt. So, yeah, I'll swim with Michael Phelps all the time. I beat him all over. Almost every single practice all the time. Easy. Almost every single practice all the time. Right.

Then when we get into regular swimming events, that's when the problems come in because I will not wear the speedo. What? You don't wear the speedo. What do you wear? I wear a long swim trunk and a teal shirt. An old double-dair shirt I got.

A double-dare shirt? Yeah, because I'm not, you know, this is national. television. I'm not going to show off my body. You know, it's a little embarrassing. But doesn't the Double Dare shirt get clinky when you come out of the water?

Yep. Hence the silver medals. Did you ever compete on Double Dare? God. If I could do it all over again, I would be a professional Olympic Double Dare competitive.

So if I were to do it all over again, that means I would have to, you know, talk to the Olympic committee, make sure they get double-day events in the Olympics, I would then do them and win in them. For the United States. This is not just for me. It's not, the Olympics aren't individuals, okay? When you watch the real Olympics this summer, you're cheering for a nation. You're not cheering for an individual person. I think there's a lot of people lose sight of that. I think it's selfish. I think it's wrong. Anything else you want to add on this subject?

That's it, that's my passion. What would a Double Dare adventure? Oh, there was the one where it was a giant nose and you had to stick your hand up and get all the boogers out to find the prize. You find a ribbon with your team's color. Wait a minute, did you compete on Double Dare? I played the role of Mark Summers as a boy.

I don't really remember that. Was there a storyline on Double Day? Yes. He had flashbacks during every commercial break that weren't aired. Oh, just for the studio audience. Yes. Just to give the backstory to the host as to why he was there, why he would want to host this game show and so forth. I wish they would do that on the news.

Sometimes I watch the news and I see the guy and I'm like, what's he doing there? Where'd he come from? Yeah. I wish I could see a flashback, a morally safer. Right. Oh. There's a million news people you could have mentioned. That's the only one I could think of.

Art2D2 soon. Cool. Sorry to bring up someone. Scott oxygen. So you wear a shirt. Doesn't that slow you down? Yeah, it slows me down in the second place. That's what I'm saying.

You should show off your body. I'm uncomfortable with the whole thing. You don't want to see this. My body. What's wrong with it? I got a couple of very unpleasant birth marks that I'm not too proud of. Really? Where are they?

From right below my neck to my ankle and about shoulder width apart from each other. And the end. Is it in any kind of an interesting shape? Yeah, a bunch of... Well, this is a birthmark, remember? Sure. It's one big giant swathes.

And it's embarrassing the hell out of me. And, you know, it gives people the wrong impression. Sure, what impression do you want them to have? You know, a nice guy who works hard to swim and win the silver medals. Right. Is there any other problem when you compete? We're moving on from the swastika already? I guess.

I prefer we do that. Can I ask you? I prefer that. Can I ask you, did you ever try to have it lasered off of you? Yeah, well, I would. wedding once and you know I'm so uh I wasn't convinced it was gonna work I said show me the results and he said yeah come this way and I'll show you you know he had a thing in the back room I said okay you can't just do it right here for me right now

I don't want to trust this guy okay I'm glad I asked have you ever been with a woman or man and they've seen your swastika yeah I usually on a first date or a second date I have to explain all what it's about and they understand Like, what's the typical thing you say when it starts to get, like, romantical? I say, before we start, you know, flinging our clothes around the room. How romantic of you? I got something going on that's, I don't believe any of this stuff. I actually find it sickening.

It's what I was born with. I don't like it. That's end of story. Take a look. If you leave, I understand. Are there men or women who are, into that kind of thing? Do you have to sort of find...

No, everyone pretty much understands and says, yeah, that sucks. But I'm interested, you know, you've got me this far. Is that how it usually happens? You got me this far? You got me this far. I'm pretty revved up. So, yeah, let's do it.

I probably won't call you tomorrow. They say to me. Also, they're very upfront about it. Right, there are. I only date up front of people because I'm a person when I date. So maybe if I win a gold medal, maybe somebody will go out with me forever. Oh, so it's all about getting someone to go out with you?

Yeah, forever. I call marriage going out forever. That's a nice way to think of it. Yeah, that's cute. It's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Is there any other problem that is leading you not to win these gold medals?

Yeah, I'm terrified of Wadi, you know, to get into it. Getting into it. You're terrified of getting into it. Terrified to getting into it physically and getting into it conversationally. Oh, so even this scared you. A little bit. A little bit. I'm a little terrified.

What is it? Like, you're picturing the water when we're talking about it? Yeah, picturing water. I'm thinking about how tomorrow practice I'm going to have to, once I get there, go into the water, swim around in it. I've been talking to a therapist about the whole thing,

and we've pinpointed why I was scared of it. Really? Something in your childhood? Yep. I was at a... I was on vacation with my family, And also, I want to say this is a funny name. This is Lake Tiddy Caca down in the...

That's pretty funny. The Peruvian Bolivian border, I think. Well, thank you for preparing us for the fact that it was funny. I don't know. Use it on your show if you want. I like it because it sounds like tits and shit. Right. Two things that normally don't go together.

Two, you know, kind of cuss words that don't go together. Yeah. You think they would because they're cuss words. That's funny. So, usually cuss words, they all have to do with sex, don't they? Hmm. Most of them, except for the shit family. They all have to do with extricab-

The shit family. You got titties? No, I'm sorry, you got shit. Now, I'm confused. First in the shit factory is titties. Family, not factory. What is happening to us? It's like coming up in the shit factory.

Look who joined us, though. Look who joined us. We finally found this guy's number. We got shit, you got caca. Right? Pooh, pooh. Sure. Peepie.

Tuki. Those are all in the shit family. Every other curse word seems to have to do with sex. Give us some examples. I don't follow. I'm scared. Is there any other curse word that doesn't have to do with one of those two things? There's racial epithets.

They're just straight up about people being different. than you are. I think those are curse words as much as words that we frown upon. People don't like them. It's true. Oh, I guess there's the religious ones. There's gods. God damn.

Jesus Christ. Right. Zoons. God's wounds? Yeah. Is there an apostrophe in that? In zwoons? Probably there used to be in Shakespeare's days. Yeah. I think it starts with apostrophe.

That's not allowed. What about bitch? That's not shit. That's not God. That's not sex stuff. Could be sex stuff. So could shit. He's got you there.

I feel like we've covered this topic enough for one evening. Yeah? Yeah, for now. I'm done. So, you were at Lake Tidicaca. That's right. You're even laughing when you have. hear it. No, I just laughing. That's where

we ended before we got in the shit conversation. I'm swimming around, just kind of doing a little float on my back, on my stomach, that type of thing. And this is back when you liked swimming. Yeah, this is maybe I'm seven years old,

something like that. And you thought the money would be good, so you started doing it. Right, I said this is something I enjoy as long as I keep doing this. It's fine. I'll make some money. It's not exactly what I want to do. I want to be on double day, but whatever. So I'm swimming around, you know, getting a little water in the mouth, squirted it up in the air. Sure.

Seeing that nice arc. It's always great. And all of a sudden, I don't know, I don't see anyone around because I thought my dad was with me, you know. And it's a type of lake where you can't see your feet. With it. If your feet are in the water. Right. Okay.

It's kind of muddy and murky. Well, just a kind of lake that magically makes it so you can't see your feet. when you're near it that's what you said I'm trying to follow this story I'm still laughing about Lake Tiddie Caca Yeah Granted it's pretty funny

And all of a sudden I feel You know a pull on my foot I get dragged down and planted into some mud Down at the bottom And I can't get up You know I can't get to reach the top It was my dad who pulled me down He played a little prank on me

And it affected me negatively Wait, wait, wait, wait. What was the prank? Your dad pulled you under the water and then stuck your feet in the muddy bottom? Yeah, like, you know, now you're going to get scared because there's a swamp man down there. He knew I hated and feared swamp people. It sounds like your dad was trying to kill you. Well, prank or kill, it still affected me pretty deeply.

Did he play any other pranks on you throughout your life? Yeah, there was one. He used to take a sort of a blunted axe and chase me around a house with that. into a pool. My only refuge was a pool, so in a weird way, I knew the pool was going to save me, maybe, or in life,

I'm going to get saved by a pool or something. He wouldn't go into pool. No, he, because he always wears a nice pair of leather shoes, except for the time he was in Lake Tidicaca. And he would never want to get those wet. Thank you for clarifying. except for the time

the Lake Tidicaca. There are no holes in your story. The story, he checks out. It is airtight. But I drive in the car saying, hey man, what the fuck? He was in the Tiddy Caca Lake, though. I mean, I don't wear shoes in the lake, but maybe this guy did. Let's go back. No, they're probably

already gone. I'll write it in a post. So that made me fear water. And also, I always get sort of a late, to these swimming events, not the event itself, the race. Wait, you're not late to the event? I'm at the event.

The actual jumping into the water, I'm always a second behind because the buzzer, you know, that goes, sort of terrifies me. I never know. It's such a screeching noise, and I don't like that. Was there something in your past, maybe, that made you afraid of these buzzers? Yeah, there was this,

I went to a school was sort of a group of how would I describe these guys? Big guys who bullied me around. I'd say they were bullies. And every time I would hear that end of the end of the day buzzer, bell, whatever, it was time to go get the shit beat out of me outside.

So I feared that, I think, put that together with the buzzer I hear, with the water and my dad the whole thing's kind of fucked up so when the buzzer would go off you would think immediately I'm about to get the shit beat out of me and you would run the other way right at the swimming

events you know we're here to I'll use this cord as the line okay so if everyone can see this cord so you know you line up for a dive is that proper swimming for him that's how I do it and

I think my 21 silver medals might So yeah, that's probably the proper way to do it. All right. So I line up. Okay, so you're lined up. Sometimes if it's a backstroke, I'll do it like this. You look like a baby who wants his daddy to catch him. Yeah, that could be.

But your daddy would never be able to catch you because he was wearing those nice leather shoes. And also his hands are full of that blunted action. Yep. Oh, yeah. Ouch. Oof. So then what? I don't know.

My heart is sort of ripping it. and a half right now thinking about this. But so I'm there, the buzzer goes off. Jesus! That was really good. That was really good. That was a good buzzer. It scared me too.

Good job. And I was a bully. You were one of the bullies. Not one of your bullies, but I was a bit of a bully. But my schoolbell sounded like that. Brack. So you were a bully when you were growing up? A little bit. Who would you bully, cake boss?

Cake boss. I would bully. Kids that were smaller than me. Cake bully? Cake bully. So when you hear a buzzer, do you start, you know, licking your lips and punching your hands together? Sometimes, yeah. I'm looking around for somebody smaller or weaker than me.

To beat him up. Yeah. Pound them. Put them in any type of little closed area you can. That's right. But, you know, I'm not a bully no more. I feel like that's reprehensible behavior. I was a child. Thank you.

I'm a man, and I'm a nice guy. Hey, if you ever need someone to play the kid version of you in a movie about your life, I'm available. You know, I'll talk to a producer if I ever bump into one. Okay. I hope you bump into one.

Stranger things have happened. Does that go for Cake Boss as well? Would you like to play a small version of him? I'd like to play a small version of you making small cakes. Oh, that's nice. Like an Easy Bake Oven kind of scenario. Yes. Isn't that how you first got started?

Yeah. That's adorable. Your parents bought you an Easy Bake Coven? I begged them for it. They said, it's a toy for girls. I said, I'm going to be a famous part of cakes one day. Give me that light bulb of me. Do they think you were a weird little kid?

They thought I had my eccentricities. What? They thought I had my eccentricities. Accentricities, got it. You bought that very similar I've realized that I'm going here at my shelf Maybe when you get a little older

Ooh, maybe show Where were you going with that sentence? Where did you think I was going? That I would sound even more like you As I get older because you weren't old man Yes Get it Not really

Okay So was there anything else You're in the middle of a bottle of water here Do you want to finish that? Are you afraid of that? Hey, if you're afraid of water, you came to the right place. This is, this is... Okay.

Are you ingesting water there? I mean, this is, no, this is a flattened seven-up. We're not just drink regular seven-up. Yeah, that's a good point, but this is flat and seven-up. Are you scared of bubbles? No, I'm not scared of bubbles. The little tiny things are made an ad, no, I'm not scared of bubbles, thank you very much. I'm sorry.

You seem very defensive about bubble Why would I even know Why would I be scared of a fucking bubble That's ridiculous Oh right No no no no It's what I'd say what You know the only way you may be

If you were in France or something You see one of those big bubble blowers in the park And he chases you around a little bit And you know stuffs you at a tree trunk in the park Yeah well fucking that's ridiculous Steals your money You just got out of college maybe Your passport

Everything So you're not scared of bubble Bubbles. Those things, what I say, made of air that you can pop with your fucking finger. Okay. I don't think I'm too afraid of bubbles, all right? Let's move on to a new topic. Okay, very aggressive. Why is this chair flopping around anyway? I'm going to fall down. You just got unlucky and got the bad chair.

Yeah, well. It happens to people sometimes. Was there any other problem with why you don't win the gold medals? Let's see. Nope. Can I say this? Given all that you have told us and the way you conduct yourself

at the swim beach. Yeah. It's astonishing that you've won all those silverbells. I am probably the best swimmer that will ever live. You just don't apply yourself. I sleep late. I eat dessert at every meal.

Just dessert? No, no, I have the regular, you know, Michael Phelps meal, he and I share him. Same thing, it's, you know, steam rice, chicken cutlets, steam vegetable, whatever. But I never say no to dessert. You like... You like cake? Oh, this is a tricky question for you.

There's a right answer and a wrong answer. Do I like cake? Yeah, do you? And you're not scared of cakes, right? Cake. Those little triangles that they give to you have to eat a real... meal? No, I'm not too scanning those little triangles.

Have you ever sheet of cake? Like, before it's been cut? No, I'm the one receiving the meat of the dessert. Yeah, he's not back there in the kitchen cutting up cakes. He's the one who's getting it. Okay, hold on a second, E.T. No homo. None taken. Many forms of cakes. Not all of them

are round cakes that are cut into, as you say, Triangles. Right, some of them are square. I understand. Yeah. Oh, you do understand the fundamentals of cake slices. Yeah. You do think you get a triangle with a little bit of a round part on the back?

Or a square. Hey, I feel like you'll be very dismissive of cake slices. Nope. I would never come out here to dismiss cake. Did you have cake on your birthdays and such? Yeah, there were triangles and squares. Okay. Are you saying there are different ways to cut cakes?

You could cut a cake any which way you please. That's the beauty of cake. I don't know. I mean, I've never seen like a rhombus style cut cake, you know what I mean? Sometimes what I'll do for my kids, I'll make them circular pieces of cake. I'll like get one of those... No, no, I'm just trying to get my head around this. Yeah, I'm trying to explain it to you.

So you'll meet together. You'll get your ideas out, and I'll take that information. and give you a sign of my face. Well, work as a team, yeah. It's going to be like cricket watching over here. Yeah. This is a great conversation, then. You ever see those things that are used to core an apple?

It's like you just stick it in the middle of the apple, it takes out the core so you can just eat the apple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's very frustrating, and you can hardly ever get it to work on the first try. You get a lot of seeds still in that apple. It's like goes off center and it's impossible to control. Right. Because apple is a hard thing from nature.

you're just a dumb person. So I made a big one of those for a cake. So you could put it in there, cake is nice and soft. You get a perfect cylindrical piece of cake. I got to tell you something, man.

This show's not cool. What is this? It's not cool. You seem like a cool guy? What are you doing here? I'm a cool guy. I play a lot of video games and swim around a little bit. That's what I'm talking about. You always come in second. It's a pretty cool thing to do.

It's not bad. I get to, you know, get money and watch the Olympics. for free. That's right. And you get to spy on people in their bathing suits. That's not bad. That's true. That's a perk I never thought of. All right. Plus all the towels you could ever want. Wait a second. Unlimited towels? Yeah. That's the coolest thing I've ever heard. You want to get out of here? Yeah, I think I do. Yeah, let's go. What's this? Someone left a microphone on the ground. Huh? So where were we?

I was telling you about my collection of Anna. That's right. Now, you've collected one dog. Yes, and I've collected one cat as well. It's not much of a collection. As you know, my name is microphone speakerwoman. When you're just going about your busy day, and a voice asks you something like, Why do people have crushes? Or, do dogs know their dogs?

The Brains On podcast is here to help. Every episode answers tough questions with funny skits, cool facts, and more. It's a science show for kids of all ages, whether you grew up with JFK, MTV, TLC, or TMZ. Brains-On is for you. Listening may induce uncontrollable laughter and turn backseat squabbles into harmonious car trips. Find Brains-on wherever you get your podcasts.