Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Minneapolis 2016

Episode Date: February 19, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from The Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as J.W. Stillwater, Lauren Lapkus as Pamela from Big Bear, and Mike Hanford as special effects artist Ian Bean.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Additional items apply. See mintmobile.com. It's morning in New York. Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin. And I'm Catherine Grotty. And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us.

Many of you've asked for our advice. Tell me, what is wrong with you people? Don't listen to us. Our Take It or Leave a Advice show every Wednesday out now. A Lemonada Media Original. Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here of Threatom. And if you've been listening over the past couple of weeks, you know what we're doing.

We're in the middle of a hiatus. Paul and Lauren and I are taking a little bit of a break, but before we come back, we have been playing great episodes from the 2016 tour 10 years ago, if you can believe it. The tour from 10 years ago where Paul and Lauren and I did every show and we became fast friends, and it was the genesis of freedom. So what you're about to hear are, and is, in fact, a live comedy bang bang episode. If you've never heard Comedy Bang Bang, you're just a fan of Threatom. Comedy Bang Bang is a fake talk show where I am the host

and I bring on comedians playing characters. And this episode is no exception. We have Paul and Lauren are both here. Paul is playing a gentleman by the name of J.W. Stillwater, who is an amateur vigilante of sorts. And we also have Lauren Lapkis as Pamela from Big Bear, who is true to form for Lauren an insane person from Big Bear.

We also have a special guest, Mike Hanford, at this point on the tour. This is our 19th stop on the tour, I believe. At this point in the tour, he was opening doing stand-up for the show. And occasionally he would do the show with us. And he is on this episode, he's playing Ian Bean, who is a special effects artist. So he'll be at the end. That's all you pretty much have to know about this episode. It's a really fun one.

It's at the Pantages Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota, a great comedy town. We love playing there. And we're going to be back doing new Threatom episodes at some point soon. But until then, I hope you enjoy these live episodes. And so let us waste no more time. Here you go. This is our episode 2016 tour in Minneapolis of Freedom. Minneapolis, Bang, Twin

Bang, Bonobody Bang Baner Banffi Ban Man Minneapolis. So Minneapolis

Twin Cities Oh, Bime Oh Minneapolis So So Happy

Oh wait, I forgot to do this Hold on one second Hold up hold up. This is ground control to Lieutenant Tom. You've been demoted. The papers aren't going to need that shirt info anymore. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to Dead Armadillo's for that one. Guys, we need to work on our screen names. We really do. Dead Armadillos. a pantages theater this is fantastic I've never been in this venue before

for fans of the daily balcony recap looks to be one very good right next to First Avenue the legendary home of purple rain yes

two fans of that movie It's pretty good. You guys should check it out. Prince was in it. The titular song, Purple Rain, is very prominent. This is, of course, a city in mourning. It's going to be hard to do comedy here. If you're listening to this, everyone is wearing black.

It's like a funeral in here. But we're going to put the fun in this funeral. And... And... And we're gonna put the uriel. No one ever says, boy, that guy put the you in funeral. I guess it would have been better if you said, you're gonna put the you in funeral.

It's more of a threat that way. I'm gonna put the you in funeral. What are you talking about? Why are you at my wedding? City and morning. I went by First Avenue next door, it's right next door to here, walked by it, My wife, the widow Halap.

Shout out, yes. Shout out to everyone listening to the widow Halap right now. She had one request, which was take a picture. She said, and she said it like, I would know what this means. Take a picture of First Avenue. What? I replied. She said, you know, the print stuff. So I went by.

there was one dead bouquet of flowers. I refrained from the picture. But it is a city in mourning. Have we recovered? I mean, how long does it take? You know, at last night's show, I suggested that, you know, much like the queen or a king, prince should be a title that someone inherits.

Like DiAngelo or someone? Peter Westerberg? Paul Westerberg. What's his name? Peter Gallagher from the O.C. He should be the new prince. But it's a city in mourning. You know, I really have nothing to talk about the anti-Boney Raid.

That's pretty much what you should expect for tonight. Anyone in these weird side balconies or no, I can't tell? All right, well, we're going to have a good time tonight. We've been traveling around the country, having an excellent time with all these Are you guys ready to have a great time here? Front row. How are you? Front row center. I love it.

Did you guys buy these or did you? You sort of went like, like, I don't want to brag. All right, well, we're, let's, you know, we're going to have a good time tonight, and we've been traveling around the country, obviously, with a group of people, and we've been chancing upon people everywhere we meet, and tonight is no exception. We have certain people who

I'm introducing you Why don't we get to our first guest A man who I guess does need an introduction He is A sleuth Of sorts An amateur crime fighter Please welcome J.W. Stillwater

Is y'all safe? Hey hey! Hey y'all I don't need that applause because that's pride for them. Pride goeth before a fall, scripture. I just need you know, is y'all safe? Everyone here is safe? If you're not safe, please feel free to shout out.

Oh, I shouldn't encourage that. I saw that one dude who came up here on stage. Someone tried to come up on the stage. Someone succeeded. Oh, you can't have that. You said that like there was a second part. Hey, no, full stop. You can't have that.

Now, hey, Yes. I got a bone to pick with you, Mr. Ockerman. A bone to pick with me. Yeah, that's right. It's an expression. I know what a bone to pick with me means. It means I got something stuck in my crawl.

Another expression. That's right. All of them. Let's go through them. He's talking, just expressions, we're getting into idioms? What are we going to do here? It's an old-fashioned expression off. Oh, y'all.

Hold on y'all. this is very early in the program I know for something like that and to be honest I am having trouble thinking of one yeah no kidding

it's hard when they say hey come up with an expression or think of one like I can't even it's hard when they say that they leave us alone we're just trying to have a good time here yeah

hey if y'all's listening and I'm expressions now listen yes what's all song and dance about how you don't know. Do I introduce this guy? Do I not introduce this guy? It's a proper thing to do to introduce a guest. I just, normally in our interactions previously, I was in the middle of something and you

came out on stage and because you heard crimes going. Yeah, that's right. On all of those occasions, I don't hurt a crime go, and I came out to see if the people was safe. I'm doing my duty as a vigilante hero. Not beholden to the laws of man. The laws of man? Yeah. What about the laws of Cumberbatch County? That's what I mean.

The man made them laws. Yeah, but the laws of man sort of implies that, you know, you can murder people. Those are the laws of man, not do not murder, do not. Son, son, son. You remember how a little while ago I mentioned scripture? I do. You're very Bible-y lately. Coulouse man's... Lately, I am a devout Christian.

Always have been, always will be. You think you always will be? Why wouldn't I be? It's the best. Being a Christian is the best? Oh, I love it. I don't care. Oh.

Don't you iconopop me? You've been iconop popped by the best. Oh, I hate that expression. I like to wave at the people backstage. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, what's great about being a Christian? Like, don't you have to go to church every Sunday? Don't you get to go to church every Sunday?

Yes, you do. They don't let you go to church on Sundays if you're not Christian? No, you can't. I mean, you can go. I don't know. why you would, unless you is fixing to become a Christian, which y'all should do. Here's what's so great about being a Christian since you asked. Um, I think my, no, I know, I'm teeinged up sarcastic like.

Um, let's see, what's my favorite part? Oh, the fact that I will live eternally in heaven sitting on the right hand of God, that sounds pretty good. I feel like everyone is going to be sitting at the right hand of God heaven is going to be very lopsided. All things is possible with God. You think he only got one right hand? So hold on.

So God has two right hands? If he wants to, he's a lord. I guess he could jerk off better that way. Don't let that slide because you made your own bed. You're going to

hell. So why not have a good time on the way down? Being a blasphemer, good for you. Speaking of beds. And we were. And we definitely were. We absolutely. You have to agree on that score. I do agree. Got a mattress you sleep on. Early in the show, but you brought it up. That's debatable. I would say, I sleep on a mattress of my own devisement. Really? You've constructed... An amateur mattress? Yes.

I don't think of it that way. I think of it as artisanal. What is the primary source for this mattress of comfort? What? You won't take another run at that one? Okay. What's it made of? There you go.

It's a slip cover I inherited from my dear old grandma. Grandma Ma. What was her name? What was her name? What is her name? her name. Two questions. Well, now, if I divulge her name, I'm at the risk of revealing my secret identity,

which is Eddie Lee Capers. So, forget y'all heard that. Grandmama Capers. Do I get it right? Fine. Grandmama Capers. She left me this lip cover, and in this lip cover, I put a bunch of bowled-up shirts. Now, here's advantage

for a vigilantic crime fighter, myself. It allows me to drift off on the precipice of sleep, but I'm never fully in a rim state, so I'm always ready to fight crime and complain about how I slept. Well, I guess if you're not an amateur crime fighter, do you consider yourself to be an amateur by the law? No. I consider myself a vigilante crime fighter. You may say I'm amateur in the fullest sense of the word in that I do it for the love of fighting crime. I do not accept a paycheck from any of the people whose lives I have saved in one way or another.

If they were to tip you, would you accept it? I'm not allowed to accept tips. That's part of my fanboat mechanic business, which I do in my secret identity. No tips, and that carries over into my vigilante crime fighting. I see. Well, were you not a vigilante crime fight, I would suggest sleeping on a more comfortable mattress?

Like what? I'd love to hear about one if such a thing exists. I don't know how you're going to beat bald-up shirts inside an old slip cover. There's a mattress that's 10 inches of comfortable layers of foam. Why are you talking about it like that?

She's proud of this mattress. Okay, well, it's 10... Scripture says, don't hide your light under a bushel. But it also says pride cometh before a fall. Ooh, you pass my test. What test? All shall be revealed in the fullness of time, my friend. But I passed.

this early? The first test, yes. Oh. How many tests will there be? You shall see. Anyway, a Lisa mattress. It's one of our sponsors. Thanks for them.

Well, there we go. Also, if you're trying to get rid of a mini-fridge... Which I am. Hey, y'all, can I just do this? Sure. I say this with peace and love. Y'all got stopped sending me mini-fridges. I don't know how we got on this,

but a while ago, I was like, If you send me a minifridge, I'll sign and send it back to you. I say this with peace and I say it with love. Stop sending me in minifridges to sign and send back to you. You have a cutoff date of June 28th. After June 28th, I will no longer accept minute fridges to autograph and return to you. I wish peace on you and I also wish you love. Did that start?

It's such an odd thing for them. It's an offhand comment I made to somebody or another. Well, let, here's the thing. When you're running a fan boat garage, there's a lot of downtime. I can imagine not a lot of traffic going through there. I mean, how many people actually own fan boats? Oh, there's more than you think, son. I think...

Down in Florida, where I'm from? Is that its nickname, really? That's an informal nickname used by the denizens of said fanboat country. A lot of downtime. I recognize someone's laughing at the audience just now. Oh, really, a friend of yours? It brought me great joy. Even though what I was saying was not particularly funny, it was just a statement of fact.

So a lot of downtime when you're fixing those fan boats. That's right. Because you're trying to stretch it out as long as you can. No, it's like mostly you waiting on the fan to be ordered. To arrive. Yeah. Now, here's the thing. I've told you, nine times out of ten, somebody brings a fan boat in for a pair.

You got to replace that fan. Then fans, it's tricky. They're squirrelly. go around and around and Yeah, you have demonstrated knowledge of what a fan is. This is major progress for you. Can I ask you a question about fans? Because I am...

I'm happy to answer any of your fan questions you got. I'm a little naive about them. I don't really know. Do they all go clockwise? Or in Australia, do they go the other way? First of all, we don't call it that. Clock is a clock fan. It's a fan.

We call it fan-wise. So which way is fan-wise? Is it this way? It's the way the fan goes. Fan-wise. Which way is that? It goes forward. If you're looking at a fan...

Yeah, I am right now. I can see it in my mind. You can name any, make or model a fan, and I can picture it. A fanbo fan, desktop, window box, ceiling fan, I can see them all. I go into my fan palace in my mind. It's a beautiful place. Oh, man. Oh, it's just filled with fan.

and it's so cool in there. So you're picturing it, you're looking right at it, which way is the fan turning? To the left or to the right? Hold on a second, let me get there. Fan-wise as usual. Good job, fan. It's good to encourage the fans in my fan palace.

Do you talk to the fans when you get them in for repair? Do you try to encourage? No, that's crazy. I don't want to talk to the fans in my fan palace. Oh, okay, sorry. So what were we talking about? I knew you'd come around to that question. We was talking about how it came to be that I was signing mini-fridges for people.

Oh, that's right, yes. Well, look, here's the thing. In Comeback, Chaconna, where I'm from, in my day job, I'm kind of a local celebrity. Eddie Lee Capers is a celebrity. Yeah, please stop saying my secret name. I am a sort of eligible bachelor. Wealthy by Cumberbatch County standards. How much money do you make a year?

I haven't asked that question in a long time, but... Oh, it's rude. Is that why? Yeah, that's pretty much. Do you think maybe you stopped asking it because it's rude? Could be. But by Cumberbatch County, you open the door, and now I want to breeze right through.

Please don't use words like breeze, which are fan-related. I feel like you are sullery. them. I do okay. I do okay. So you're wealthy... There are a few who are envious, which is a sin, of my yearly income as a fanboat mechanic.

Okay, but you do quite well. I do quite well, thank you for asking. And the ladies are interested in you? There are a number of ladies who would love to have me squire them on my arm to various Cumberbatch County to-dos and so forth. But...

J.W. Aren't those events usually at night when you must remain vigilant? Here's the thing. I always make an excuse to get away. I'll say something like, I'm tired. It's not a very elegant excuse. Works every time. So you're known as an eligible tired bachelor. That's right. The sleepy bachelor they call me. Eddie Leakeers, the sleepy bachelor. Please, I beg of you. I'm sorry, I'm just...

So you're a celebutant. I think anything with utante at the end implies a lady and I'm very much a man. So sorry. I accept your apology. No matter how insincere it may be. So, I mean, this is sort of like a Bruce Wayne situation. Who?

Have you ever seen any of the Batman movies? They made movies? So you know Batman? I remember seeing that TV show. The... Power! That's how I learned to read. Because you would hear the

noise of the fist hitting someone's face, and then you would see the letters and go, oh, pow. That's exactly right. You have described the process of learning to read. Associating an image

with squiggle lines. So, mini-fridges. What would you like to know about them? did people send them to you? I feel like we've never gotten to this. We're hanging out in the shop, right? And it's the regulars are there. Oh, so this is sort of

like a... Well, listen, in Florida, the fan boat shop is where the community gathers, and that's where the real truths are told. It's like the barber shop. What? No, this is like a place where

people talk about politics, talk about current events, talk about entertainment, whatever, but people can speak their minds. and they can communicate with each other frugally. Are there Playboys? All over the place. I see you can barely walk in that place. That seems off-brand for you.

It's not for me. It's for the customers. Okay. Well, what am I to do? It is a time on our fan boat mechanics tradition. To have pornography in the workplace. So the gang is there. That's right. It's...

Oh, now we're going to listen. Yeah, that's right. Okay, who's there? You got Otis. Otis. You got Fran. Fran.

That's right. That's what I said. You got Davey. Otis Fran and Davy? He's in the Navy. He probably always will be. Willickers. Old man, Willikers.

Oh, he'd been, he'd a fixture in Comberbatch, Canada, for now and as long as I can remember. Is he wise? He was born a grandpa. That's what we like to say. That's how old he is. He was not literally born a grandfather.

Please get these stereotypes about the South out of your mind, ladies and gentlemen. It'd be funny if he came out with a big long white beard. Right. But it didn't happen. That did not happen, though. He came out regular like a baby. So the gang is there. You got Old Men Willikers, Davy, Fran, and Otis.

Yeah. The regular customers. That's right. Do they bring fanboats? They all have at one time or another, sometimes on more than one occasion. Because fanboats, it's tricky. And here's what fanboat loves to do, above all things. Break down.

They're sort of obsolescence? What's that? They're made to break down. They are not made to last. You're talking about planned obsolescence? Yes. Like all Apple products? You a PC fan?

I love my droid and I'll never give it up. It's a superior phone. Hey, how come that Hal app for the droid is so clunky? When y'all gonna fix that? I'm trying to hear some of my previous appearances on this program. It's like it's freezing all the time. Starts up, closes right away. I'm not

I'm not that Okay Take it easy Take it easy Take a knee sir I'm assuming it's a sir Yeah Oh it most assuredly is

Below the giggles tonight son I'm having a good time I enjoy talking to you Ew Why is that Well you're You're such a whimsical character Oh am I

That's funny Because that's not Well criminals in Cumberbatch Can I say Getting back to the mini fridge. Good God, son. You've never said. We's chewing the fat, right?

We're sitting around talking about this and that, the other thing. Like, who's going, who's going, who, Eddie Lee, who you, hey, fanbo mechanic. Unnamed. Who are you going to take to that cotillion tonight? All of them ladies want to go with you. So hard to choose, I would imagine. Exactly. Whoever's the sleepiest.

Whoever has the earliest bedtime. I need her to be wide awake so she will stay at the function and I can make my getaway. I see. I thought when you said, hey, I'm sleepy. You guys would park company and call it at night. Yeah, I leave and she stays there. Why should she have to go home? Very sexist.

Just because the man is going home, the woman can't stay at the party. I mean, it's 2016. It's 2016, my friend. I just think if you go somewhere with someone, it's kind of rude to not leave with that person. Is it not? Are there ever extenuating circumstances? Like if a person gets sleepy?

Hold on a second. Ain't it more rude of me, part of my persona so I can enable my crime-fighting career? Ain't it more rude of me to invite someone to something and then leave and not stay at the gathering to which I have invited her? I suppose you could say, hey, you don't have to leave, but... Yeah, that's what I do say.

We think I leave it up to chance? How would you leave it up to chance if she leaves? I wouldn't. You're the one saying I would. I mean, this guy, right? This is crazy. Here's what I worry about sometimes. Yeah.

Is that the more we talk, the more it settles into a very comfortable vaudeville sort of sort of rhythm. Almost as if I'm asking stupid questions on purpose. That's right. Then I'm getting exasperating. So we're very, we're very close to bringing little stick canes out here. We're a little derby hats upon our heads.

So tell me about this mini fridge. Oh my God. Don't be exasperated with me. You have still not gotten to it. So Otis says, Hey, and Lee. I bet you ain't never signed a mini fridge. I said, Otis, you bring me a minute fridge.

and I'll sign it and I'll return it to you free of charge. Well, don't you know that's exactly what he done did. He said, I bet you've never signed a mini-fridge. He got a gambling problem. He's always looking for stuff to gamble on. He must have been really disappointed when he brought it around. Oh, he was. You see, here's the thing.

Between you and me, I never signed a minifridge before, but I could not let Otis indulge in the sin of gambling. Scripture prescribes gambling, don't you know? So you took the bet on, though? Yes, I did. But I did not take his money. You didn't take his money? I suggested he gave it to a worthy charity.

What charity did you ask him to give it to? The Walk of Dimes. The March of Dimes? Nope, Walk of Dimes. It's a local Comberbatch County charity. They take it a little more easy. Yeah, it's just a stroll, really, if you think about it. The jaunt of dimes.

This is serious, son. We, we're trying to help kids. Sorry, sorry. It's all right. So, is your thirst for Midefrize knowledge quenched? You brought it up. Many things, but you have not seized on any of them with a vice-like grip so much as this Minifredge story.

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I would gladly talk about literally anything else. What are you doing here? Do we actually have time to get into this? Yes. Okay. Of course we do. Because I know the way the show works. You often have other people on the program.

Sure, but I want nothing more. We did spend an inordinate amount of time, telling the tale of Otis and the Minifridge. But I sense that you have some other reason why you're here. Well, I do, now that you asked, I understand that what we got here is a Twin Cities situation. Now, I just learned about this, because Cumberbatch County,

And the city I'm from there is about to become the sister city of a town in Europe. Really? Now, I don't think we've ever discussed what town are you actually from. I have not discussed that for reasons of safety. I did not want to bring harm to the fellow citizens of my town. I almost said it. That was very close. The fellow citizens of your town.

That I live in, yes. called by its name so people can find. Not something that you're going to trick me into telling you because I'm a wily man and you are not going to trip me up

quite that easily. Well, you're right. I couldn't trick you. They say the citizens of your town St. Benedict. Oh. Are smart people and I couldn't them. Now I'll be honest with you. I'm more mad at myself right now. I think that's about right.

St. Benedict? St. Benedict in Cumberbatch County. Yeah. I hear it's lovely there. You ain't never heard of it till I just mentioned it. Mainly from you. That's fair. I do have a lot of hometown pride. St. Benedict's is a town comprised of roughly 50 people. people. That's right. And we've named five of them. That's true. Six including me. Five including you.

You got Otis. You got Fran. You got Davy. You got Mr. Willikers. Old man Willikers. And you got me and you got a debutante whose name was never revealed. And what was her name?

Now, sir, I am a gentleman. And no matter how hard you try, you will not trick me to saying this Lettie's name. She sounds beautiful, though. She is. She's a beautiful lady. And were my life different?

Were there circumstances of my chosen career? More amenable to the domestic lifestyle? I should surely ask her to be my bride. Does she work for, like, the local paper? Yes, she does. She's a reporter. What's her byline? What's that?

What is her byline? What's that mean? Her name? That's right. You think I don't know. Reporting terms, I do. I'm in a newspaper all the time. J.D.W. Stillwater, he's a threat.

He's a menace. Masked menace, J.W. Stillwater? That's right. Sometimes I say that. Mm-hmm. And does she write these articles? No, she does not. She's a proponent of my vigilante style tactics. But I'll tell you what.

She had no interest in Eddie Lee Capers. the fanbo mechanic playboy. She has no interest in you? No, she goes with me to these cotillions and such in her capacity as a reporter, the Fifth Estate. Who writes the articles then?

Is it the publisher of the paper? No, she writes... She writes the articles. The publisher will always write a disclaimer at the end of the article saying, I'm mad that my reporter wrote this. I wish she hadn't ought to done it. signed the publisher.

Why does he keep her on the payroll? What's that? Why does he keep her on the payroll? Well, there's not that many people reporting the news in St. Benedict. It's a small town. And if he loses her, he has cut his workforce in half, as long as he's still there. Right.

Who draws the cartoons in the paper? The publisher does. That takes up most of his time. he's not very good at it there's oh man there's letters to the editor every week saying what's this drawing supposed to be

which one is the duck the balloon says one of them's a duck which one I thought it's two pigs talking to each other you know what though he's real good at hands isn't that weird

just like heavily detailed he can draw a beautiful human hand but he can't draw a shoe weird So You So what is St. Benedict? Is it St. Benedict or St. Benedict?

St. Benedict. St. Benedict? What city in Europe is the sister city of St. Benedict? Lisbon. In Portugal? Sure. They were just admitted to the European Union. That's, I mean, what an honor?

I suppose so. I mean, it's certainly an honor for them, I suppose. I mean, we're going to get, Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Are you all right? Hold on. Don't do it. Oh!

Why? I specifically asked you not to do it. Sorry, I was a feared for your life. My coughing ends upsided. Just in case. That's a just in case Heimlich. What were we talking about? Lisbon.

Good. So, Lisbon, going to be a sister city. of St. Benedict, that means we get all the benefits of a twin city, as it were. What are the benefits? I, you know, I have been here to Minneapolis and St. Paul, and I don't really know why they're called the Twin Cities necessarily.

Well, here's what I have gathered, just from context clues, is that a Twin City is like a city that's just like your city, like it's duplicates of all the people, and everything and it's like a backup city in case something happens to your city. So like identical twins of every single person? No fraternal twins. Obviously they ain't like you know family members separated from each other. Don't do it. Don't do it. You are terrible at giving the Heimlich maneuver. Hey is there any water in this building anywhere.

Like, even if you have to hold a match under the sprinklers, I'll just go turkey style. A young stagehand just handed this to me and said, it's used. It's a better term. Vintage. Vintage to you. Would you going to kick it around like a soccer ball?

Thought about it. As if you was a denizen of Lisbon, Portugal. This is right off the factory line. How can you tell? It looks to be unopened. little new. Thank y'all. Here's to you.

Good. Chug, chug, chug. Hold on, I've seen your cough. Seems a strange time to yell out. As many nicknames as you could think of? Yes. What would be the appropriate time to do such a thing? Before the...

Oh, boy. That was taken as encouragement. How unfortunate. So, Libson. Lisbon. Lipson is a podcast. service. They host podcasting files.

Oh yeah, so I don't know that that's what Twin Cities mean. Oh, you don't know that? Why don't you educate me in the ways of Twin Cities? Mr. Guru? I think it's just cities that are next to each other that have similar buildings. I honestly don't know. The cities that is next to each other that have similar buildings. Well, it sounds like

we're saying the same thing. So you think you have a twin out there now? I think they is in Lisbon. There is another J.W. Stillwater. Hopefully he is fighting crime on the streets of Lisbon. Roughly the same population, I would imagine. I would think it would be exact, wouldn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, if they're like 50 people and same better, Nick, got to be around 50 people in Lisbon. Do you think they have the same name as well? Yes, I do think that. It only makes sense. So what would the reporter's name be then in Lisbon? You almost got me. You can't blame a guy for trying.

You almost got me to say her name, which I did not do. No, you didn't say her name. No, I did not say her name. Of course not. I didn't hear her name. No, you didn't. Because I didn't say it. You didn't say her name. No, I did not.

Okay, good. I didn't hear it. No, because I never said mini-milts. Mini-Milks? M-I-L-T-S. No one's named Milks. That's ridiculous and absurd. Mini-Milts.

Mini-Milts is a final Commerbatch County name. Been around for a long, long time. I know a mini fridge. These are times when I must remember that murder is a sin. Well, good luck to you with this Twin City. Good luck to you. you. What a dismissive, rude gentleman you are, sir. I don't know. I don't know what you want for me. Well, good luck to you. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck doing whatever it is you do. Good luck doing

whatever it is you do. I'm being sincere though. Good luck. Yeah, I'm being sincere too. Good luck. We're just too sincere guys. I guess we are. But seriously, good luck. Good luck to you. Thank you. All right. Can you stick around? We have another guest. I have literally nowhere else. to go. I've been hearing that a lot these days. All right, thank you, J.W. Thank you. Well, we have to get to our next

guest, and sometimes these guests are people that I chants upon... Why are you telling me? Just tell those people. All right. Should I turn my back to you? Should I just stand right in front of me? Yeah, that's fine. All right. What are you looking at out up there? Ain't you got something to do? Okay, all right.

Well, occasionally, I chants upon people on the street. People on the street. And tonight was no exception. You already said this. I feel like you already said this tonight. No, I've said it on almost every stop on the tour, but tonight. Okay.

This is a person I met in a local bar here, and didn't catch the name. In case you ask. This is intriguing. I like to drink before a show, of course. You know, no. You don't know my damn name? I know your name. Pamela from Big Bear. Come on out here.

You know my motherfucking name. I know both y'all know my motherfucking name. Oh, my word. My name Pamela from motherfucking Big Bear, bitch. Suck my clit. We're starting at suck my clit? Oh, boy. I tricked your ass.

I tricked your ass. Trict? I tricked your ass. I got your ass to invite me on your damn show. And you know I'm a fucking hater. You're a hater? I fucking hate your show. I've been writing to you for how many damn years you've been on?

Seven. Seven damn years. I've been writing to your ass. You've been writing to me. Yeah, letters, long hand. I've been writing letters on some legal pads, bitch. From my motherfucking lawyer's office, bitch. suck in my dang clique.

How, I didn't realize that was your catchphrase. I didn't either. That's even worse. Sometimes you learn things on the fly. I was not aware of my damn self. So I must confess I haven't gotten your letters. I'm so sorry. Oh, you never got them.

Well, you don't read your fan mail. You're too big for your fan mail. It's not fan mail. This sounds like hate mail. Don't all go to the same address? No, it goes to a different address. She's got you there. What, your fan mail and your hate mail

go to different addresses? Yeah, yeah. How can you tell the difference before you open it? Because of the address that it gets sent to. Air-tied logic, you got me there. Well, I find your show very offensive. You find it offensive? I'm so offended by the language on your show.

Ooh, baby. Ooh, I'm about to beat your... I saw your dinner. It got beat with an ugly stick. Ooh, you got the ugly dick. Hey, so I now have an ugly dick. Oh, now you do. Because he was beaten with an ugly stick.

Yeah, you betcha bitch. You got your damn offensive show with your offensive guests. Coming out here saying whatever the fuck they want. Ooh, I don't like that. Pamela... I'm about to dunk your head in the toilet. Please don't. All right, because he said, please.

I like when a bitch. Big. Camilla, the show was relatively clean. I heard y'all call me a Lisbon. No fucking Lisbon. Who do you like it? Up down, the cross behind.

Any direction, any direction of the cross, baby. Hey, hey now. Hey. Sideways? Yeah, sideways. I'll show you sometime. If you get a dick makeover,

I'm so pissed at you. I'm so mad at you. Oh, your show make me so mad. Every week I listen, I just get so mad. Ooh, I just put it on and I scream. Why do you listen to it then if it's so offensive? I need fuel for my week. I got a bad job, you know? Where do you work? I run a daycare. Is this how you talk to the kids? I call fucking little piglets. I feed them on the ground, throw some Cheerios in a pile, make them all dig with their face. First one to start.

snored up a bunch of Cheerios gets a prize. I almost don't want to ask this, but what is the prize? They get to be the class vacuum. The class vacuum. Yeah, I put them in a wheelbarrow position and they just suck up all the dirt. Lucky little pigs. I'm wondering why it was so imperative

I mentioned you were from Big Bear. Because that's my name. Pamela from Big Bear is your name? That's my name. Pamela from Big Bear. motherfucker, Big Bear. You're Scott from O.C. Not really.

Oh, not really, huh? Well, because you got a last name, because he's so special? You don't have a last name. No, I have a last name. You do have a last name. No, I don't. You do. I said, no, I do not have a last name.

I was born in a box. The box was Pamela Oranges. So why isn't your last name Orange's? Because I was born in Big Bear. Damn. Man, you're an idiot. Let's get off that. Sounds like you don't want to talk about it.

I don't. Hey, how come, hey, let's get off of that. Sounds like you don't want to talk about it. Applies to her and not to me. I don't want to talk about any of the things you asked me about. Seemed like you really wanted to talk about that many friends. I did not want to talk about that many friends. I got a question for your ass.

Let me just ask you. is. If I have a mini fridge that needs a signature to be considered valid in my town, will you sign it? If you get it to me by June 28th, that is the cutoff day. And I say this with all peace and all love. Peace and love. It's got to be received by June 28. I cannot sign, y'all, I cannot sign any more mini-fridges from June 29th on. Okay. I'll get it there at time. I pray that you do. All right. Group has someone who insists on doing things the hard way. I hope that's not me.

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Over 50% gigabytes may slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed, and coverage varies. Additional items apply. See mintmobile.com. Do you ever find yourself scrolling through headlines, especially health headlines, and just thinking that can't be true? Well, I certainly do.

2025 brought us some ridiculous far-fetched health claims and some especially terrifying changes in public health. What's in store for us in 26? I'm Chelsea Clinton, and we're back with season two of my podcast. That Can't be True. Follow along and catch up on season one wherever you get your podcasts. So Pamela, you, uh... Yeah. I hate you. dirty witch ass.

God, I hate your ass. I don't know what I'm doing here. I want to slam your ass. I want to roll you up like a sushi. And then I want to throw you into a trash cat across the root. Ooh. Would you do that to sushi? Yeah, I don't like sushi.

But you take the time to roll it? I make it, but stinky fish. Ooh, yeah. Why are you making sushi then? the neighbors. They're Japanese. They just moved in. I'm trying to make a welcome, you know, make a local sushi. Where do you get the fish? Do wherever. Catch it with my paws. That's my feet. I got a real good attitude because I got, I got laser sharp focus, you know, when I do my meth. Oh, I see what's happening. You see what's happening? You got clarity, bitch?

Pamela, I usually like all of my guests. You don't like me? You're a little much. Oh, I'm a little much. That's what I thought about you, let I listen to your show. You're like, I'm the host. I got to ask all the questions.

Now's the time when the tables are turning. We're about to ask you some shit. You want to ask me questions? Yeah, we do. Yeah, you know what? I'm in on this. I'd like to ask you some questions. Sounds like an old-fashioned question off.

It is. It's old-fashioned as hell Where you get your shirt Starting a little slow Okay Someone gave it to me Oh, it was a gift from a friend A co-worker

Co-worker gave you a shirt What the hell Where you work, a shirt factory That would be stealing No Why your friend gave you a shirt You come to shirt You come to shirt with no shirt on.

Did I come to shirt? Did you go to a shirt with no shirt on? One day I showed up a shirt. And I had no shirt on. Okay. My friend gave me a shirt. Uh-huh. That's nice to him or her.

That was nice. I got a question for you. How many lies do you tell on a day? Oh, that's good. I mean, I try not to talk to anyone. You try not to talk to anyone. anyone. You ever have those days you just don't want to talk to anyone because you don't want to tell lies, you know? That's you every day? Every day you try not to talk so you don't lie.

So it's not because y'all is a misanthrope. It's because you just inveterate liar. Yeah, I don't want to slip up and I don't want to lie. Right. So let's say on those unfortunate days when you are forced to talk to a fellow human being on the planet. Oh. How many lies do you tell a day? Hundreds, probably. Hundreds. Every single word is a lie. I try to lie about things that they wouldn't think are lies either, not big stuff. Like where you got your shirt? A co-worker gave me my shirt. Who would ever believe that?

A co-worker gave me all my clothes. I came to work naked. And they shrouded me in an emergency blanket. I made it in a a shirt dress. Now Madewell selling that shit. I have time for two more. All right. My next question comes from a Twitter fan.

This is modern. They want to know how you want to get more followers by clicking this link. Well, I guess I just click on the link. Okay, good. That checks out. Great.

One more? Do you ever steal anything? Have I ever stolen anything? Have you ever stolen anything? Answer the damn question, son. I think you would be hard-pressed to find anyone in the world who's not stolen at least once in a day. Oh, let me look all around this globe.

Bo-Bobo-Boying, me. I ain't never stolen nothing. Call off the search. Where in the world is a person who never sold nothing, me. I love that show. It's a good show. That's a good show. It's a good show.

Carmen San Diego. She's always one step ahead of everybody. Even rockabella don't know where she is. I love that theme song. It's a good song. That's a good song. That's a good song. It is a good song.

That is a great song. That song's okay. It's a really good song. Is it even a song? Bro. Nice. Nice. All right.

We heard the word nice. Nice. Well, it's Hollywood. We're going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. Everybody do you, Facts and know your stars. There's bliss and glamour and lots of bars.

Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of the Chinese theater. Hollywood Facts. Check out your dicks. Check out the Facts. It's a Hollywood Facts, bro. Very nice. Yeah.

That's a good song. Just one second, y'all. Hey, anybody here at this show has no idea what just happened? Someone got dragged by their significant other. Very complex. Trust me. I love this thing. You're going to love it too.

This is the thing I'm into that I try to talk to you about and you will not hear me on. You know how you try to talk about your feelings and I have to take out my earbuds? We're going there tonight. Well, is this guy? doing.

Literally won't watch the show. He came here to protest, I think. So... Yeah. Yeah. I have stolen something. You do what? I have stolen something. Okay. What did you steal? I think I stole some comic books once

as a little boy. Well, you do stick them in your pants. Walk out the store like you didn't have nothing. How you do it? I didn't. I wasn't walking out like I didn't have nothing. I've seen how you walk. You've seen how I walk. Yeah, you walk like this.

You barely move forward. I've seen that. That's a pretty accurate physical impression. I've seen that. It's good. It's good? Yeah, I like that. You like your impression of me?

I like my impression, yeah, I like that. I'm going to do that in the mirror when I get home for 12 hours. till my last tooth falls out That's how I'm keeping time now So your last tooth falls out? I got one tooth left and then it's my birthday It checks out Well Pamela

It's so nice to see you It's so nice to see you You know, you should tell everyone What you was doing at that bar That bar you met me at I was just getting a drink before the show I like to you know loosens me up a little bit Yeah he was swiping right on Tinder

and you found my ass because you like my picture. It wasn't even a picture of you, by the way. It was a picture up my asshole. You like it. Now I came here to give you a message. You got to clean up your damn show. You're the reason that it's dirty tonight.

You gotta clean up your damn show. Some kids like listening to shit. They're getting filth. All right, well, before we get to our next guest, do you want to say your catchphrase? one last time. Yeah, suck my clit. All right. Pamela from Big Bear. Thank you. Thank you.

Take a bow. Go ahead. Take a bow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Do you have any talents, Pamela? Yeah, I can do car wheels. The floor is a little wet. I actually know I really can't. I never do it in my whole life. Why did you lie about that? Because I'm trying to be like you.

She got you there. You're my idol now. All right, well, let's get to our next guest. Okay. He's in show business. Okay. Unlike the two people up here on the stage. Yeah, no, I never even seen a TV.

You've never seen a TV? Nope. Maybe you have and you just didn't know what it was. What is one? It kind of looks like a box, the size of a mini-fridge. And then what? They had something, you know, they used to have little bunny years. Yeah.

Off the top. What happened in it? What happened in it? What happened in there. I mean, a lot of programs. I've seen that. You've seen that? Yeah, I've seen that.

I watch TV all the time. I didn't know what it was called. Bring out your friend. Not my friend, but... Bring out. We got your friend. We got your friend. Take out your friend.

It's Hollywood Fred, bro. All right. Our next guest, you need some. No, no. I am at the ready to give the Heimlich maneuver to anyone.

That was like Duck, Duck, Hymond. I mean, Hamelik. Heimann maneuver is very different. Yeah, I had that. I had the Hyman maneuver done to me.

I was 15. I wanted it. He was 15-2. It's all good. He was 52? 15-2, baby. Yeah, it's a double statutory rape. Damn, crazy.

Crime. Did you just hear a crime go? I heard a crime go. You call him when you hear him. In my past? You heard a crime go in my past? That's right. That's why I'm not getting too excited about it. It happened a long time ago.

Yeah, it was... Presumably, I don't know how old you are, Pamela from... I'm more than double that. You're over 30 years old. Yeah. Over 30. 31? Yep.

Checks out. He guessed it. And the rings around my mouth. All right, well, let's bring him out here. Okay. He is a special effects artist for the movies. Please welcome Ian Bean. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Hello. Oh, my God. Watch out for that. Hi. Oh. Scott, thank you for having me.

What a mess! What a mess you created. The little thing of water down there, I'm so sorry if that was a hazard to you. I'm just glad I didn't slip. Well, you noticed it right away. And I avoided it. I had to.

There was nothing else to do. If you hadn't avoided it, you would have slipped. Exactly. That's exactly right. Wait, I'm hazy on this. Can we go over it again? When I first approached center stage, I had noticed a wet spot. I first thought it was syrup.

You thought it was syrup. That's right. I thought it was what? Syrup. Like you put on flapjacks? Yeah. Flap Jax. I haven't actually been corrected.

Is that syrup? It's not syrup. It's not syrup. No. Also, did you say serp? Syrup. Syrup. Syrup.

Syrup. Are you saying it any which way? You can say it in any way you want. It depends where you're from. Now, we call it brown sauce. When you say we, I say we and big bear in my home.

We call it brown sauce. We say give it a brown sauce. On what occasion do you get to say that sentence? When I got to get titty-booked. You're sorry for this one. I accept it. All right. So I get a free one later?

because I got an apology accepted. All right, you get one free one later. Okay, thank you, Daddy. And you can use mine if you want, too. I'm not going to use my free one. Oh, do we all get a free one? Yeah, you all get a free one. That's good to know.

You're not giving yours away, though. You're keeping it reserved. I'm holding on to my... Ooh. Oh, I can't wait to see how you use that. All right, so Ian, you work as a special effects artist for the movies. That's right. And my claim to fame...

It... Claim to fame... Sure. is that I designed E.T. The little coffee-colored alien that everyone loves so much. Okay, E.T. the extraterrestrial. That's right. Do you feel that that is the number one way people would describe E.T?

That is, well, I'll tell you the story of how he came to be that color, if you want to hear it. Sure. Well, so the director of the movie, Steven Spielberg, we know. gave me my first job, so I owe him that. He could not decide on what color he wanted the E.T. Alien to be. The extraterrestrial alien. That's right, but we just called it the E.T. alien to keep it shorter. How about just E.T. even shorter?

Well, that's what that, yeah, then it became that short. Right. And then just, period, period. We took the letters out of it altogether. But how would you say that out loud? So the director of this movie, Stevens Spielberg, he didn't know what color he wanted to be. I want to be blue.

It was almost red. Could you believe that? Could you imagine it? I can imagine it. But you can't believe it. I couldn't believe it. But you could imagine it. I had to.

He made us imagine every color of the rainbow. For the ET aliens. So I'm sitting in my office and he comes walking in and says, I don't know what to be, and I said, oh, Stephen, just aside already. And he said, well, I don't know what to do. And he was holding the coffee in his hand. And the coffee went into the air and it came down. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

He's holding the coffee. He's holding a cup of coffee. What did I say? The coffee? A coffee. That's not the problem I had with it. The problem I had with is that this man all of a sudden suffers some sort of physical fit. and just spraying coffee all over the place.

Because he was so, I don't know what to do. You know, when you get upset, you know, you get so upset, you just throw your fists up like that. Yeah. Well, one of his fists was holding coffee. Coffee went into the air and went all down him. And he started marshal, oh, no, no. And he looked like the little ET, you know,

when the ET alien is having a fit. And I sat back and I said, Stephen, I'm biting my tongue. Not to laugh. I said, Stephen, I don't mean to laugh, but I think I found the color for our ET alien.

I think he's coffee-colored brown. And Stephen's, I will never forget this. He took off his glasses, whacked his eyes like this and said, okay, it was that simple. He just needed to have coffee

on top of them. Okay. I have all my best ideas when I have scalding liquids on my body. Some of the brown sauce? Holy. Yeah. Hot brown sauce, yeah. Ooh, I got a good idea when that happened.

Yeah. What's the best idea you've ever gotten when you've had? Driving to a treat. These are not good ideas. Try to get a nut from a squirrel. I knocked him out. Put him in my little pouch in my hoodie. Carried him home and nursed him back to health quite literally. Did you get the nut?

Oh, I got the nut. That's one. Oh, was that her one? Wait a minute. I still got mine. You still have yours, but she still got one. I still got one, baby. You have none.

I don't need it. Okay, because you seem like you're a nice, inoffensive guy. Right, I try to be. Yeah, you're sweet. Thank you. Was the E.T, was it clear at this point? It was just a lump of gray clay. And we all all.

knew he couldn't be gray. Why is that? Oh, you know, you could never put a gray anything in a movie. How about in close encounters of the third kind when a bunch of gray aliens came out of a spaceship directed by Steven Spielberg, the director of E.T.

The extraterrestrial. Well, when that came out and it was such a flop, he said, I'm never doing that again. Who did he say that to you? Me, yeah. You guys very close? That your best friend?

We were best friends on the movie. I haven't spoken to him much anymore. Wait, so on the movie, though, we were great friends. We would eat lunch together all the time. Was the rest of the crew there? Yeah. And we weren't at the same table,

but we were in the same tent. I don't know. How many of you have eaten in a tent with Steven Spielberg? Probably none of you. So you designed E.T. or you just put the coffee color. Oh, I designed them too. The whole thing was, well, the whole thing with that was,

I had, the deadline was coming up, and we had, this was before we got the color of them, the deadline was coming up, and oh my God, we didn't know what we were going to make this thing look like, what shape was it going to be? And I woke up in the morning from a night of drinking at a restaurant. At a restaurant?

Yeah, it was a restaurant. Take me through that. You sat at a table? Sure. I said, well, I went to a restaurant bar, you know, had it both. Sure. But the bar was being demolished. You know, they'd just demolished it with a...

Why? Why? Well, why? Let me get into why. Okay. It was faulty, and they needed to get it out. It was faulty. A faulty bar?

Yeah, the bar itself, where the drinks go. Right. Sure, we know what a bar. It's the actual bar. Are we all on board with what a bar is? You don't. mean the room. You're talking about the actual physical bar. The tabletop. Right. It was at such an incline that the bar, the drinks would slide off. And at first they said,

well, sit down there with your mouth and it'll go in there, but how long did that last? About a half an hour. So, wait, wait. So this bar was brand new in this restaurant. No, no, just that idea lasts at a half an hour. Okay. But it was being demolished. It was a brand new bar when you got there. because he had just been demolished. Right. No, the bar was gone. The bar was gone.

Yes, he had just been swept down. Where the bar go? Huh? Where did it go at? Mostly, most of it ended up in a dumpster. That's too bad. Where did the other part go? Oh, just kind of off on the street

and into the gutters and things. How about that sink? The sink they can... Well, I saw one of the construction men walk out with... What were you miming there? Like, you know, a big construction. Strong man. Strong.

Charlie Chatt. Yeah, I thought he was putting on a beautiful hard hat. Yeah, he's put on a hat. Gorgeous, floppy hard hat. Adjusted at a jaunty angle. Right. You are ready for a day at the construction side. A festival.

I saw him, he had it over his shoulder, and he said, I'm taking this home. The sink. Over his shoulder. He took it out, and he took it. And he said, I'm taking this home. I'm taking it home because my bad. as no sink. And I said, I don't need all of this

story from you. I'm a customer at this place. That's a rude response. The restaurant was still open while the bar was in the process of being demolished. Yeah, they put up a tarp. But it was clear so I could see you through it. Right. And you could have a conversation

with the construction form. I poked a little holes in it because I wanted to ask them, I need to ask what they were doing. You're the one who engaged in the conversation. Right, I started acting like the foreman. You can't take that. That's when he told me that, no, I need it because of...

And then you shut him down and said, I'm just a customer. I don't need all this information. Right. I thought I don't want to get involved in this because then... I don't know what. Yeah. So you're drinking. You're drinking at this restaurant.

Yeah, so I'm at those restaurant drinking at a table by myself. Not just because I felt like celebrating. What were you celebrating? I had got a new camera, and I'd take it in just a great... Finally got some photos developed, and the sunsets I took were fantastic. So I said, well, hey, tap myself on the back and give myself a few drinks. Tap yourself. Yeah.

Tap, tap, hello. Hello? Hey, do you want to go get a drink? Hey, you busy? It's your thing. I want to go. Sure I do. I did some good photography.

Yeah. You burned it. You burned every sip. So, there I was drinking. Earned it. Every step? Yep. For sip.

Sip. Sip. Sip. Sip. Sip. He earned every sip. He's drinking in a restaurant. They demolish the bar.

Damn, y'all hate each other. That's strong. I don't know how I feel sometimes. I'm fond of you. Why? I guess I feel like I deserve your treatment. Oh, that's probably true. It's also true.

So, you're drinking. Drinking at the bar. At the restaurant. At the restaurant. Showing off some of my pictures of people. You're showing them up. You brought them. I brought them, yeah, of course, because I want to keep looking at them. What were they pictures of?

The sunsets. Sunsets. You took some pictures of sunsets, had them developed. And yeah, and I just wasn't getting them right, and this was the first one that really hit. The first roll of film or the first picture? The first roll of film. I was wasting so many rolls of film. Were you taking it after the sun had set? Some of them were, and some of them were way before.

Some were at noon, so the sun was out of frame. Wait, hold on. So then it was just a hill. Hey. Hey. Yeah. So did you set out to take a picture of the sunset at high noon? I did. Well, no, I set out to take a sunset picture, but I said, I better get there a little early because I know this tripod is so hard to figure out. And then you ended up just, it unfolded and it was easy.

Immediately. Yeah. Yeah. Did you wait there in intervening hours for the sun to set after you taking these pictures at high noon? I went over to some of the, there was a hot dog stand. It was very close by so I could order a hot dog and keep one hand on my camera. You need to order a hot dog by pointing? I had to point at it and say just one, one, one, one. Because if you're ordering hot dogs, the temptation of the hot dog vendor is to give you 12.

Well, because they can never hear anything. They're always clanging around. I want, what are you doing? One, one for me. Sounds like a very serene, picturesque atmosphere. It was no, well, not when he was around. But he left, and I was able to get these shots. So I am celebrating.

We were talking about how E.T. got designed. I don't even remember why we're in the bar at this point. He was celebrating. He took some good pictures with his camera. No, I know why he went to the bar, but why are we talking about the bar? Because it's that... Because I had said I woke up from a hangover. Oh. And then, because you said, why?

And I said, I was drinking at a restaurant. Okay, but why did you wake up from a hangover? What? Yeah, why'd you wake up? I suppose it was because my alarm clock went off. But I don't remember exactly that morning why I woke up. But I think it was the alarm clock, because that's most mornings back then especially,

it was mostly alarm. Flash forward to the next day. There I am. Oh, I'm so hung over, and I walk out, and I get myself a cigarette. I was smoking at the time. I don't want to go to work. Stephen is so loud.

He's so in my ear all the time. And I walked in my garage to go out to get in my car to drive to work. Okay. Because you want to get paid. Exactly. So you can buy food and goods. Right.

And, you know, save a little bit and use a little bit for entertainment. Maybe take care of any health issues that come up along the way. God forbid. God forbid. Can I be doing it? doing that? What? Should I be doing what you said?

You don't have no savings? No. What do you spend your money on? Take a guess, baby? You didn't want to use your one, I could tell. Came very close. I hate my words. I use it all meth and crackers.

I like saltines. I like a dry mouth. I do the saltine test every day. What's the test? See if you could eat a sleeve of saltines in a one minute with no water or milk. Can you use any other, a Gatorade? You could use egg whites. It's the Facebook challenge.

It's the challenge with me and my face. I do it every damn day. I ain't never beat it. You don't get to the end? I almost died twice. How far through the sleeve do you get? Four. There's not many.

No, it ain't. You gotta keep practicing. Now, Miss Big Bear, I would be remiss if I doesn't inform you that methamphetamines, that's a crime. Oh, really? What's you going to do about it? You're going to cuff me? You're going to cuff me? Put me in your little boat.

Take me to your own fantasy island? I don't think that's how Mr. Rourke usually got... the people there, but... Okay, well, what are you going to do to me? Yeah, what are you going to do? I would, under normal circumstances, I would hit you on the head with a hammer. Sounds fun so far.

And I would drop you at the police station that's in the next county over because Combatch County to corrupt. Would you leave a little note? I leave a little note that says, A criminal got caught. Courtesy of your friendly neighborhood. J.W. Still water.

I draw a little drone of me. I'm going to fanboat off like a shot. But my hammer has been stole, so I cannot hit you on the head this day. Okay. I would encourage you, and I understand you probably will not take my advice. I encourage you to hit yourself on the hill with a hammer and go to the police station.

I'll try it. I'll try anything thrice. So, Ian. Bye. You you woke up He's all hung over You smoked at the time

Yeah Smoked a cigarette We're caught up And I opened the door Oh you know We get And I had a A fright

You don't have to act out I know I don't I know but I sometimes do So anyway I saw I had a frat Because you know what I saw It was a garbage bag and on top of it was an old jack-o-lantern that I had yet to throw to the street. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You've already taken the step of taking your garbage out. Oh, into the garage. Why were you throwing it in the street? Because I don't want it to rot away in my garage. Eventually, it all has to go out to the street on garbage day because if, you know, then you've got just garbage piling up in your house. And it's a... No, no, no.

Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Everybody clear on the idea of trash day, okay? Oh, good. All right. Here's what you may sound like, if I may. Sure. Like, you was just going to chuck old Jackalander out of the street.

Oh, I did not intend that. You're going to put in a proper receptacle. Of course. That would... Because it would be littering, which would be... Well, I don't know. With a pumpkin, is it littering? That's one of those questions I always wondered about.

It is. It is. It is. Yeah, so that's the answer to your question. All right. Well, that's off my list of questions. Let's go through your list. All right. Well, the Jack Lantern one is done. Is a football field actually 100 yards? What about the end zones? Well, I have to look into that. Are you going to launch an independent investigation? Yeah, I just needed to do two clicks on my mouse on my computer. I'll probably figure it out. It'll be such a short trip.

What would that look like? Let's see. This would have to be, well, I'll do, okay. The stool is a little too high for you? It's a little too high, and I have a back on my chair, but... Okay. Okay. And I keep my mouse a little higher than this. So I'll just do that then.

Why you keep it up there? Why you keep your mouth so high? Because that's just how I do it. It feels good on my shoulder. Why would that feel good? Oh, did I not mention my pitching accident? I thought when I first came out here, I said, I heard my shoulder pitching when I was in the game.

Oh, you did not. Oh, my God. You never brought that up. You must think I'm crazy then. With my mouse up like that. Oh, my God. Yeah, I used to play baseball in middle school, and I... Middle school.

Yeah. Yeah. You'll play baseball all the way up to? No, but it's... We expected that maybe you was a professional of some sort. No. That you buried the lead there, but no, you just played baseball when you was a kid. When I was a, yeah, a kid.

How many games did you play when you were a kid? A season? Sure or ever. A season was 14. And how many games did you actually play? Two seasons. I played half of the games each season. I played 14 games.

So, no follow-up. Continue. So where did I leave? Oh, yeah. I was so scared of this thing, but then I said, wait a minute, that kind of looks like an alien, a little trash bag with a Jacqueline on the head. So I picked it all up, and I threw it in the back of my car,

which was a bad idea because the trash opened up and went everywhere. Drove to work, and I said, Stephen, you got to come out to my car. Take a look at this. He put it all together mentally and said, that's what we're going to have our ET alien look like. What's the car going to be? And I said, here we go.

Again. Again. Yeah, because he was such a, you know, shit about the design of it. Sounds like he was very agreeable to this trash bag with the jackal ladder. Yeah, when I finally came up with that, but he, leading up to that, he said, you're not doing your job, you haven't designed anything. I need to still see your resume. Sounds like he kind of had a point.

Oh, he did. Hey, do you think it was your drinking problem that got in the way? sometimes? I think so, yeah, probably spent a lot of time doing photography instead of my design job on movies. But you was being paid to do design of an alien.

Right, but I was kind of in my head justifying it like, I'd rather be taking photos, so I'll pretend I'm getting paid for that, and the design is my hobby that I don't like very much. So when you would get your paycheck... My hobby that I don't like very much. Right.

You know that, y'all have that one hobby that you just hate to do. Yeah. Brush of my teeth. Yes. It's my passion, but I hate it. Now, ain't it got a lot easier in recent days? You would think, but the

toothbrush just clack around in my mouth now. There's no control. Now, one tooth be wiggling like a little piggy. Like one of your students. Yeah, one of my students crawled around my mouth. Ooh I can't wait for it to fall out

Then I get a present I get a present You get a present I thought you said then I go to prison No I hope not I get a present because it's my birthday I put the tooth under my pillow

And someone deliver me something It's been happening every year Really? Every year you put a tooth under your pillow What gets delivered to you Last year it was cat shit Do you own a cat? I wouldn't say own, you know, I like it to be free.

I don't believe in owning creatures of the land. What about of the sea? Yep. I got a dolphin dine in my bathroom right now. All right, that's our show. Thank you. Lauren Lapkis, Mike Hanford, Hall-Up, Tompkins.

Scott Overman. Thank you. Oh, thank you. We love you, man. We love you. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David DeCovny, the Sarah Silverman

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