Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In New York City 2016

Episode Date: July 9, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from the Gramercy Theatre, New York NY (9:30pm show). May 13, 2016 - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, Lauren Lapkus as pop singer Whitney Peeps, Neil Campbell as Wally Cobb and special guest Fran Gillespie as Tommy. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/shop Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lemonada. Hey everyone, Scott Ockerman here, and welcome to Threatom. Now I know what you're saying. If this is Threatom, where are our beloved Paul and Lauren? Well, we are on hiatus currently, and we're going to be back in September with new episodes. But until then, we thought we would treat you to more live episodes from 2016, 10 years ago. These were the shows that Paul and Lauren and I did together the entire tour, with the exception of the UK, for all of you sticklers out there. And they were where we developed the friendship and where we decided that we should start freedom.

And we spent probably a month together doing show after show after show and going crazy. And you will hear some of that progression as these weeks go by. Hi. So we're going to play these episodes for you every week. And if you don't know what Comedy Bang Bang is, it's a different podcast. And it's the show, it's sort of like a talk show where I'm the host and I have comedians on playing characters. And on this particular tour, Paul and Lauren were on every show playing different characters. So let's get to what this episode is. So we're going to. to have, again, an episode from 2016. This is May 13th, 2016, New York City Gramercy Theater, 9.30 p.m. show. That's a lot to take in. But essentially, we did six shows over three nights, I believe, at the Gramercy. And this was one of them.

Now, who's on this? We have Paul F. is playing Andrew Lloyd Weber. Lauren Lapkis is pop singer Whitney Peeps. And then we have Neil Campbell, who was still on the tour with us at the time. He was doing the opening set. He comes on towards the end as Wally Cobb. And special guest, we have Fran Gillespie as Tommy. This was the only episode that Fran Gillespie did on this tour.

And this is a very, very funny episode. I was listening to it earlier. So again, we're going to be on hiatus till September. but I hope you enjoy this and we'll be back next week with another live episode. Until then, enjoy Freedom. An empty seat next to you, sir, and you just shrugged as if, what can I say? People loathe me. Oh, wait, gotta do this.

Hold on. Start spreading the news. I'm leaving your dad. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to Steve Kind of for that wonderful catchphrase submission. And I don't mean kind of thanks to Steve. Thanks to Steve, that's his literal username. Um, Gramercy, how are we doing? Thank you so much for having us here. Ma'am, are you super tall in standing,

or I can't get a sense of you, or are you on a raised platform? Oh, thank you for adding tall after that. She says, no, I'm actually five foot. Pause, pause, pause, tall. Thank you. Okay, so you're on a platform. It just looked like you were a giantess of some sort, Especially with the way you, and were you signaling a touchdown? Was that what was happening?

Thank you. How many people were here at the first show? Yes. Twelve. Well, this is going to be entirely different. Every show is different. We're doing entirely different things. And, you know, every city is different.

And, you know, this one is no exception. What the fuck am I talking about? Got to get it back. Get it back. I had a real New York Only in New York City kind of day I Yeah

I Laid in bed all day Only in New York, am I right? Why see You guys like living in New York I feel like someone went It's customary for people to say Yeah or woo or yeah

But no one to my knowledge At a show has said That's more usual Wow! Were you trying to do an impression of what I was doing? Because you failed miserably. We have a great show for you here tonight. We've been traveling around the country, having a ball on this tour. And by the way, I love a venue where you can literally see the sidewalk

and see people passing by during the show. That's important to me. I like knowing who's out there. Usher back there, like, took a look for himself. He's like, people are fucking passing by? Cars, it's always great to see cars driving by in the middle of a show. There's two people right there. No, seriously, everyone turn around and look.

They're fucking doing it. Well, we have a great show. We have a great group of people traveling around with us, and tonight is no exception, some real humdingers, if you will. We're all getting blow jobs, I guess. Wait. Why am I using slang from the 40s? Okay.

Ah! Well, we have a great guest coming to this. stage here tonight and he has not joined us on the tour up till now and I'm so excited because I'm a big fan of this gentleman's work throughout the years. He is the composer of such musicals as Jesus Christ Superstar Evita. Please welcome Lord and... Yeah, bless my buttons, New York City. What a pleasure it is to be here so close to Broadway. Drinkier boy, hello to you. Oh, treating you look terrible.

In what manner? Well, you look at one... It's treating me fine. I mean, maybe I'm not cut out for it. I don't know. My constitution isn't... You certainly are not. But Lord Weber, it's so great to see you,

especially in a city that, where you have achieved such historic feats. Oh, have I? One here, in Manhattan? Who's familiar with the name, Andrew Lowe. Lloyd Weber. Most gratifying. Most gratifying.

And currently, you have a new show. Is that what you call it a show? I call it a show. Because that is what we're doing, Scotty. We are putting on a show for the people. The punters come in, and they sit their buns on the seats, and then their grease-painted players come out, and they fret and strut their hour upon the stage.

And then the people forget about their dismal lives of not being millionaires. and living in several castles all over the world. I can't imagine how you do it. Bless you all. Is that why you got into writing musicals to distract people from not being in castles?

Yes. Yes. When I thought of those people sitting out there in apartments. I hate to even see you say that word. I don't like to say. It's easier than saying flats. Oh, I said it. People with one bathroom.

The idea. They're sharing with a roommate. It, oh, please, Scorchic. I've, I have just eaten my autolone for the evening. You've eaten a what? Deep cut. Deep cut. It's a rich person's food.

Oh. I would think about them in a tear nearly escaped my ducts. But it's not. No. I don't cry for those people. Whom do you cry for, Argentina, perhaps? For whom do I cry? Yes.

Well, certainly, we're all advised in song, never to cry for Argentina. Or is Evita Peron not... We are not... Argentina is not to cry for Eva Peron. Right. We may cry for whoever we wish. But the country of Argentina, there's one specific person.

They are forbidden. Are there are the... any Argentinians here. If so, it is forbidden. Did the original draft of the song talk about the penalties if someone were to cry for? The original draft was very long

because first it outlined who may and may not cry for Eva Peron. Finally it got so complicated we said let's just reduce it to the entire country. But originally it was person by person. But there were so few people who were allowed to cry

for her. We said, let's just make it. across the board, anybody from Argentina. Or anyone currently standing on Argentinian soil. So if you were a tourist, a visitor to the country, and you had a notion to cry for ever prone, well, you'd better leave the country if you're going to do that. What about the diplomats and embassies? That's American soil.

They were free to cry. Was that an original part of the lyric? Yes, it was. It was a very long song. It was, we had to cut it down because it ended up being three times the length of the projected running time of the entire show. And we felt it sagged in the middle a bit. The earliest previews. We put out comment cards and many people said, why was that one song half a day long?

I missed my son's graduation. Now, to be fair, that sounds like poor planning to go see it. My wife left me because I insisted on stage. to the end. My grandfather has died. Was this all one person? Yes. But we graded on a curve and we said,

well if there's one person saying this, probably more who are afraid to come forward, had the exact same experience. Sure, sure. So, wow, and then what were the original lyrics? Then it did all of that. And then, what were we talking about? We have been talking about one.

talking about one thing for the entire time I have been on this stage. I space out sometimes, I get lost in the middle. It's so enrapturing to talk to you. I don't know that you got lost in the middle as you got lost just now. In the present. Right. So, now, you obviously have a new show that's... Obviously! That's on Broadway.

Obviously. And some would say that the 80s were your heyday, certainly. Certainly. Who would say such a thing? Fools? Yes, I suppose fools would say such a thing. Well, your biggest hits were in the 80s. You had Avita, and then you followed that up with cats,

and then you had, of course, the Phantom of the Opera. That's correct. Are you forgetting about... Starlight Express. Joseph of the Amazing Technicala Dreamcoat? Those, of course, were in the seven years. Starlight Express. Can you sing even one song from Starlight Express?

Starlight Express, answer me yes. Are you real? Yes or no. Is that really how it goes? Yes. What was that asking the musical question of? Is the train real? I am the starlight I can achieve.

How dare you question my credentials? Would you question a baker of cakes as to baking ingredients? That's the kind of thing I do on the regs on this show. On the regs. Now, but your new show is called School of Rock. It seemed as if you were going to have trouble saying the word, school.

As if you'd forgotten how it began that one syllable word. Well, it's a tough one because it's S, then C.H. You don't know whether you're supposed to say shul. I do because I speak the English language. But you can see how it would be confusing. No, I frankly cannot. You don't say Fred Skider.

No, I don't. Do you ever speak of him? Do I? I often speak of Fred Schneider. Of the B-52s. Oh, of course. Yes. Were you thinking of doing a juke-joking-box musical of the B-552?

I would love. To do a jukeing-box musical of the B-52's musics. Be very simple. Would, uh, yes. Join all those songs together with a flimsy story. With maybe a giant rock lobster attacking them. That would be the centerpiece of the entire program. And it would come down from the ceiling, much like your chandelier.

It would... The chandelier falls from the ceiling because that is where chandeliers dwell. So, lobsters... Not in this place. Lobsters dwell in the sea. Under the sea. Is that a song you wish you had written? What's that?

Never mind. I was merely telling you. where lobsters dwell. And so, what would happen is, the stage would have become slick with seafone. Sea foam? Seafone. What did you think that I said?

I think you said what you said. I just don't know what it means. What is seafone? How do I begin to explain this? Does the sea stand for something? Are you familiar with the ocean? My dear boy. Yes.

That's bang. of order. Okay, I'm sorry. Right off. Okay. Just wondering how you were going to collect it. Yes. Do you know, I am wearing a medal?

I'm sorry. How dare you? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Use such crasseries in front of me. That's good lyrics, Crasseries in front of me. Terrible tune, though. Stay in your lane, dear boy.

Now then, you know, the ocean? Yes. Do you know how it starts? buy one. Oh, well then this might make sense for you. Okay. Do you know how it starts out there, but then it cannot contain itself, and it comes in to greet you

on the shore? Certainly, yes, we call that the tide. That's right. Do you know what it leaves behind when it retreats back into the sea? Crabbs? There is, white, I don't know what other word to use, foam that is left

on the seashore. I see. Do you? Okay. I don't know that I've ever called it sea foam as if it's an accepted term that everyone uses. Let's take a quick poll of the audience. By a round of applause, that'll be a bit of fun. How many people have ever heard the term sea foam before? Sounds like about an eighth of the audience.

Who hasn't heard of the term sea foam? Sounds like eight people pretending. Who can tell me what color seafoam is? Everyone can. This must be an East Coast thing. I'm a West Coast boy through and through. What coast? Who to you?

May I ask what coast is London on? Because I knew what seafone was. The Atlantic. This is an Atlantic thing. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is. Thank you. Thank you for agreeing with me. Quite welcome. Will that end this conversation?

I think we can finally move on. Excellent. So, some of this seafone. as you call it. Yes! The stage becomes slick with seafoam, which we have established, is a thing that everyone knows. From out of the foamy slickness emerges. What is that?

Is it some sort of red rubber ball rising? Are we about to engage in a game of dodging ball? It grows larger and larger, no. That's no dodge ball, someone might say, in the manner of someone in the cockpit of the... the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon. It's a giant lobster made of rock. So in your musical,

the lobster is made of rock. It is not the type of lobster that is a rock lobster. Well, who would care about that? So it's a giant stone monster. Yes. In the shape of a lobster. Like something off of Greek myths, you see.

Ah, don't we always go back to those? I know I do. The Greeks, the tragedies, Euripides, et cetera. I can't name another one. You switched so quickly into Latin after coming up with two Greek names. So, but don't you think if the people in the audience, wouldn't they be coming to the show knowing

that it was going to be a giant lobster? Why would they have that conversation that you hypothesized? I will try to explain this you at very simple terms. I'm using in my presentation some hyperbole, some embellishments, to paint a picture for this audience here, this quote, theater, end quote, that they might feel it if they are there as this is occurring, do you see? I see, but if they were there, wouldn't it be like, hey, shut up, like I'm trying to watch the play? Yes, well, they're not, so it won't be like that. Oh. So, what were we talking about?

Oh, School of Rock? Yes. What would you like to know about it? Is it good? It would be, immodest of me to say that it is a smashing cracker of a musical, but there I've said it, because it is.

Now, has anyone out there seen School of Rock out? Uh, uh... Ooh. Uh-oh. Well, one moment, please. Scotrick, don't you see that this are not the ideal Broadway goes? Do you know what theater tickets are going for these days? I don't really look at prices of things anymore.

Exactly. Well, we understand each other. I see, okay. We understand each other. But these people, they're worried about a pint of milk and so forth. So they're certainly not going to shell out the money required to see a big-budget Broadway production. I see, I'm sorry.

I'm not on my noises. Okay. You may proceed. I beg your apologies and indulgence. Granted. Thank you, Lord Weber. I am removing the hand shield. As shall I.

That was fun to have a conversation that no one could hear. It was a Richmond's conversation that we had. Locks ourselves. So School of Rock is out there, obviously. It's a big hit with rich people. It is. But I know you have something new in the pipeline, don't you? Ah, something new or something old?

Are we getting married? What is happening right now? Something blue? I am not marrying you. I am already married, I think. As you know, one of my greatest successes of all time was the musical Cats. Thank you. On T.S. Eliot's Old Possum's book of practical cats. And you shortened it just to cats. You thought that was too wordy?

It was too wordy. First, T.S. Eliot's old possums? Terrible. It's like Rousse Chris Steakhouse. Very confusing. Yeah. Very confusing. What is it really about?

Is it about the practicality? No. It is about the cats. I, to be honest, though. Please. I crave your arms. Honesty in all things, Scotrick. I kind of wish the tire was in the title, too,

because that's a big part of the show. Like, cats plus tire. Equals, terrible? I mean, obviously you know what you're doing. It was a big hit. Obviously, I do. It was revealed to be, in fact, a spacing ship. Taking dear old Grisabella, the former Glamables,

fallen on hard cat times, up into cat heaven. To be reunited with all of her old hole fish pulling the entire skeletons intact out of their mouths. What was that? That was the xylophone noise it makes when they pull it out of their mouths. Makes me wonder what you think a xylophone is.

Well now, cats is coming back with a vengeance. Is that what it is? Is it cats with a vengeance? No. No, it is not cats with a vengeance. now you've made me sad because of course I had to abandon my attempts to make

die hard with a vengeance a big budget Broadway musical really so you were trying to do that what year was this this was the year that die hard with a vengeance came out 1995 I would have to check my journals

six maybe certainly if you wish as you like. Did you write any of the songs for it? I wrote all the songs for it. What was the big climactic number, if I may ask? Here at last I die so hard. With a vengeance.

With a vengeance. As the chorus all says that. Oh, of course. Here at last. I tried so. So hard The Vair With a

I'm John Him to be saying his name He says it in every song Really? For the Vendrons Whether or not sung by the character of John McLean Began with the words

I'm John McLean Sometimes followed by and I'm here to say Well in one Very specific song He's a I'm John McLean and I'm here to say it's fun to die in a vengeful way. So now Lord Weber,

cats is coming back, you say? Yes, it's going to... Listen, it is finally coming to the silver screen. Movies? Yes, that's what that means. It's going to be a motion picture. And so, all of those people dressed as cats with all their cat makeup on,

their stinue bodies covered with cat-themed leotard. They will be given a full-screen treatment to make it more acceptable for the silver screen, which is to say they will look like disturbing cat-human hybrids. Meaning like, life-like cat-heads with human bodies? The opposite. It will be life-like cat bodies with human heads.

It will be very challenging for the viewer to watch. We're going to film a bunch of actual cats just running around doing things and then put human heads on them later you'll get to see everything a cat does throwing up eating doing nothing

the end I mean it sounds great to me I mean congratulations on this here's a silence what I'm most excited about is there is an interactive element to it we have prepared for this eventual that the cats will be able to sense movement in the theater

out where the audience sits. And so, it's the first major motion picture to encourage the audience to bring laser pointers to the screening. They can have a field day pointing them all around and the cats on screen will react to them. They will become distracted and chase them for as long as you like.

Wow. Wow, and for as long as you like, meaning this show could last as long as your song from Avita would. Half a day? No, the movie will last as long as the movie lasts. Yeah, but you said as long as you like. What if I like to do it longer than the movie? What have you liked to live to be a thousand? You're not going to.

There are limits to everything. Is this some sort of all-you-can-eat-gotcha scenario? Have you ever been to one of these all-you-can-eat-buffets? I say, how dare you? I wear an ermine cape. Although, when you think about it, you undoubtedly have a chef who makes your food. Indeed.

Technically, that's all you can eat, right? Yes, it is. But I don't share it with other people unless I wish to do so. My famous friends. Who are your friends? I imagine your life. Sir Elton John.

Oh. Are you friends with a lot of knights? Of course I am. We must stick together. And before you ask, yes, I have a round table. in my home. You do, really?

Yes. How many does it seat? It seats ten. Ten. There are ten of us that gather at every meal. We eat all of our meals together. Every meal? Yes, every meal.

Snacks excluded. You're on your own. Well, let's count them down. We've heard two of them. Me. That's what you're the second. That's right. Sir Elton John. That's, of course, the first one.

So we're still hovering at two. Sir Michael's Jagger. Great. Sir Keithred Richards. Sir Sean Connery. Lord N. Taylor. Sneaking in there. Sir Racha Soss.

How dare they? How dare they? Eight. Somewhere in there. That's how many I have. Showing? I think, yeah, eight-ish. Eight-ish.

Not everybody shows that. At the same time. Let's see. What about our good buddy Sting? Is he ever in there? Oh, he's not knighted. Well, because he lies about his nickname. He claims he wore this black and yellow jersey

to these jazz clubs in Newcastle. The very idea. Newcastle is a depressed enough area without introducing jazz into it. He claims he wore this black and yellow jersey to these, yeah, black. I'm getting. I'm getting so worked up thinking about it.

I'm so sorry. Gordon Sumner, his name is, claims he wore this black and yellow jumper to these jazz clubs in Newcastle, and they called him Sting because he looked like a bumblebee. Well, don't you know, of course, they would have called him bumblebee. They wouldn't have called him Sting.

It's not how nicknames work. You don't look at someone and say, what's the coolest thing I could call you right now? Based on your bumblebee-like sweater. At best, like, hey, Bumblebee man. At best. Bumblebee man.

So he's not there. Count Chalkyla, Baron Vaughn. Baron Vaughn, the comedian? I'm a big fan. And we're absent one. It used to be Prince. Oh, no.

I'm so sorry. It's very sad. Oh, gosh. What the fuck? Oh, are you asking me? No, it's not. to mention someone's name, which is literally all I did.

Bring him too soon if we are forbidden to speak his name. Who's going to take Prince's place? Who could it be? Now. That gives me an idea. Are you suggesting? Colin Hay. Colin Hay.

But he's a very curious case, you see, because he's a Scotsman who has somehow ended up in Australia. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. And now lives in America. Yeah. It's like, come on. Too complex. Plus, if you were to ever get his attention, you'd be like, hey, and he would always turn.

I guess I did that backwards. What would have been the more enjoyable version? Hold on. If you were to ever say to someone else at the table, hey, and then he would turn around and go, I. What's that? It's what an Australian would say, I would imagine. Say it again.

Oi? Like the fellow, the battery commercials. Do you remember the adverts? No. I remember the Mr. microphone commercial. Yes. Oh, the Mr. microphone commercial. Do you remember these? Of course I do. Hey, good looking.

Wonderful. Hey, good looking. We shall be back to pick you up at a later time. Perhaps upon the morrow. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Creeps in this petty pace. Tomorrow, tomorrow. Tomorrow. You're the only one singing.

I wanted to see how you do it. A day. Let you know. Well, fantastic. I wish you luck with this catting musical. And, Lord Weber, you truly have had nine lives in the American theater. So thank you for that. Yes, well, I...

Thank you. Thank you. I certainly feel as if I have existed nine lifetimes on this stage. All right, well, can you stick around? We need to bring out our next guest. I have literally nowhere else to go. I've been hearing that a lot from people lately. The best summer pieces are the ones I end up wearing on repeat, and I still feel great in.

And that's why I love Quince. Quince makes elevated essentials using premium materials like European linen, organic cotton, and washable silk, washable silk, without the traditional retail markup. Now, I've been reaching for Quince's linen pants all summer so far. I have a pair of linen pants that I've basically turned into. my whole personality. It's kind of all I am now. I'm basically a walking pair of linen pants. I wear them when I want to look like I have my life together, but I want to still feel like I'm in my pajamas, which is kind of basically all the time. Their dresses and tops are also

very lightweight, easy to style, and they make getting dressed feel so much easier. So everything at quince is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they cut out the middlemen and work directly with ethical factories. So you're paying for quality, not markup. and it's not just apparel. Quince also has elevated home essentials from bedding and bath to kitchen essentials and furniture. Make your summer wardrobe feel easier. Go to quince.com slash freedom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too.

That's QINCE.com slash freedom for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash freedom. We've all been there. We're looking at our credit score just thinking, Is that it? How do I get this thing up? I've been paying my bills. I've been doing my best.

Somehow my credit score is still acting like we just met. Well, that is why. Super.com's credit building program caught my attention. Now, with a Superplus membership, you can access the super.com card, which includes a $5,000 credit utilization boost. Now, just to be clear, that's not money you can spend.

It's reported as available credit that you're not using, which may help lower your credit utilization ratio. Plus, there's no hard credit check to apply, 0% APR, and when you use the card responsibly, your activity is reported to all three major credit bureaus. Now, my favorite feature is absolutely the rent reporting. Okay, if you've been paying rent on time for years, super.com can help you get credit for it, including up to two, years of past rent payments. You can even track your credit score right there in the app so you can actually see your progress. Start building your credit the easy way. Go to super.com slash credit right now

to see how superplus can help you boost your credit score. That's supere.com slash credit. Credit building features are only available to super plus members. Impact on your credit score may vary. Super.com cannot control factors outside their services. that may impact your credit. Visit super.com for more details. When people hear that Mint Mobile plans are only $15 a month, a lot of people wonder, hey, what's the catch, sweetheart? Well, I can tell you, there isn't one.

There are no gimmicks, no gotchas, just unlimited talk, text, and data, fast, reliable coverage on the nation's largest 5G network and an award-winning care team to take care of you. Mint Mobile took what's wrong with wireless and made it right with premium wireless for $15 bucks a month. That's the kind of price that makes you double-checked the website, and ask, wait, wait, wait, per month? Yes, per month. Now, honestly, producer Brett uses Mitt

Mobile. His favorite part was that he could bring his phone and keep his number. The whole process was so easy. He was like, I kept waiting for the annoying part to start. It never did. And he also said he likes he can choose from three, six or 12 month plans and say goodbye to a monthly bill. It's nice to know that's taken care of, you know, he can spend his energy worrying about editing freedom. Ditch overpriced wireless with Mint Mobile. It's so easy. Sign up online and get three months of premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's it. There's no catch. $45 upfront payment required

equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only, speed, slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamint Mobile for details. All right, let's bring her out. She's, you know what, you're in, you write musicals and she's a musical person. Oh, is that so? Yes, she's a singer. This is very exciting. She's a pop star. Please welcome Whitney Peeps. Okay. This is weird. Hello, Miss Peeps. Why is it weird? What a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Nice to meet you. Are you from the past?

After a fashion, yes, I am. Cool. But I hope to be part of your future. Oh, God, are you hitting on me? I don't know. I honestly don't know if I... I thought you were maybe married. I might be, but I can't help be, Randy old goat. I love the ladies. I love to have my fun.

What do you drive? I drive. Well, what is driven for me, are you asking? You're rich? I'm very rich. Okay. Whitney, have you ever wanted to live in a castle? How about several? What?

How could I do that? If you feel tired of living in the one castle, you go to live in the other castle. Can you bring all my stuff with me? Of course. There will be all stuff that will be there in every castle. Multiple stuff, darling. Okay. So you're going to buy doubles of all of her stuff?

Triples if need be. Yeah, sounds like triple. Do you not know how it works, being wealthy? I mean, I'm on my way, I hope. Are you? Not like you, Lord Weber. How precious. What is your favorite thing in your stuff?

What do you collect, pre-tail? Measuring cups. What is it about measuring cups that so fascinate you? I like to see if my tits are growing. Do you have a lot of measuring cups, but they're all different sizes? Because you may have just bought one set. That's not a collection. Yeah, I have more than two of something.

It's a collection. Did you ever get a collection of eggs at the grocery store? Yeah, I collect 12 eggs. So you're a singer. You're a pop star. Are you on the charts right now? What is... Yeah.

What's one of your biggest songs? I confess to not knowing really a lot about modern music. My big song is, love me, baby. Love me, baby, all night long. Does that stand for something? I would hope that, you know, someone would love someone for their entire life. Does it stand for something?

Yeah. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. Do you mean, does it stand for some sort of principle, this song? Or is it a giant acronym? Is it a metaphor for something like, have sex with me all night long? How did you get as far as metaphor?

But you couldn't explain the idea more clearly sooner. What it's really about is that it's about being in love with someone but just for one night. One night stand? Yeah, I got. Relationship. You get as deep as you can

with that person in one night. Share everything. Heart and soul and body. Yeah, you fuck all night. Okay. This is an interview technique if you just stay silent for a long time. They eventually say... It's very good.

Yeah, my public has told me to stop talking but I never do. People's have turned. So, Wendy, you love me, baby, all night long? You want me to. Oh, saucy. And did you make a video for that song? Do people...

Yeah, well, I make music videos. You just put them online because, like, no one watches TV videos anymore. Mm-hmm. Yeah, everyone watches TV online. We follow the trends, the music industry. So, yeah, I made, like, my own thing. It's, like, lemonade, but it's not.

Beyonce's lemonade. Yeah, it's called grapefruit juice. What's it about? It's about, like, my life and, like, my relationships and, like, just, like, you know, being a pop star. It's just, like, really, and, like, mostly politics and stuff, too. Politics. Yeah.

Like, what's going on in America right now? Yeah, like, I have a lot of commentary about it. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, what? Like, mainly, like, I just feel like everything needs to change. Like, everything's so bad. Like, I just feel like everything's falling apart.

And, like, no one's even doing anything to step in. Like, all the presidential kids do it's really horrible. Like, who am I supposed to vote? But I do know who I'm voting for. Who are you voting for? Trump! Too soon! You and I?

Oh, I see, yeah. I love Brownser. It's my BFF. What do you think BFF stands for? Best fucking fucker. Correct me if I'm wrong. I love being corrected. You're wrong. Okay. Thank you.

How did you grow up? I'm fascinated with your life. Do you... What sort of... How does someone grow up to be you? Well, I was born in a trash can. I beg your pardon. Aluminum trash can. Aluminum?

Yeah, it was like old tiny. Just like you. What were the circumstances that led you to being birthed in an aluminum trash can? Well, my mom's Oscar the Grouch. Your mom is Oscar. I say.

You have buried the lead, dear girl. First of all, I didn't realize that Oscar the Grouch was some sort of... I guess he's trans? He's very popular now. He's genderless. Have you ever seen his genitalia? No. There you go.

I've tried. I've freeze-framed it. De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-de-de-de-de-de-la-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. Freeze-frame. Who was your father? Take a while, guess. Another denizen of Sesame Street? Yeah.

Is it Gordon? So Gordon fucked Oscar the Grouch. Please, Scobtrick! You're talking about her parents, well, now she's doing it, so... Oscar fucked Gordon all the way home. Home to the trash can? Wee, we all... Like the rhyme goes.

So you were... I mean, when you say you were born in a trash can, you just, you know, you were born at home. Yeah, yeah. It was a home burn. in a trash can to some sort of trash creature Big Bird was the doula Was they always talking about his friend Snuffel Upagus?

Yeah, we don't believe in him I have a friend, you're right Wow, so and then at what point did you grow up wanting to sing? I thought you like, what point did you grow up? I'm just gesticulating with my hands, I'm not... Very unfortunate. I'm not miming booing booing,

You're still doing it. Okay. I grew up wanting to sing just from the moment I was born because everyone in my whole street sang. What? Everyone on my whole street loves singing. Oh, it says to be street. Well, they love singing about their address.

Certainly. And I never forgot where I lived. The lack of directions to it. Yeah. Whenever I get last, they sing it, and someone tells me. You merely have to sing. the entire song and then someone will answer with the appropriate directions. Fantastic.

I say, I say, did you grow up singing that song about the numbers from one to 12? One, two, three, four, that one? Yes. How does it go? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Wonderful, big finish at the beginning. Thank you. Certainly.

Thank you. Yeah. No follow-up song. Nope, there wasn't like 13, 14, 14, 15, 16. 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24. What are you saying? She doesn't know. She doesn't know these numbers.

She doesn't know these numbers. She only knows the one-syllable numbers. What are you saying? Tracy, what's your name again? It's okay to call her a wrong name. She's fake. Whitney, darling. Yeah.

This may come as a shock to you. But there are numbers beyond the number 12. My body hurts. There's such a thing as 13. That's 12 plus 1. Those are two numbers you know. 12 plus 1? Yeah, well, say for instance you had those 12 eggs you were talking about earlier.

Yeah, and the eggs I collected. What if you were to add an egg to that? Have you ever bought anything in a larger quantity than a dozen? Nurse. There's no nurse here. I'm sorry. I'm going to die. Well, tough it out.

I hope you can make it through the rest of the show. Very ungallant. Tell a young lady to tough it out. I don't think she's really going to die, Lord Weber. I don't think she's alive. I bet I will. I mean, yes, you are going to die at some point. I just don't think it's going to be tonight.

Don't go bananas here. Well, do you have a new project or anything that you want to plug while you're out here? I'm on the grapefruit. tour, doing shows in alleys around New York City. Oh, I see. It's a novel approach. Yeah. You know that lady who does the great fruit blowjob video? I cannot say I've had the pleasure. Well, she's my opener.

Does she just show the video or does she actually... She does it. She mimes it. Well, she doesn't give a real blood job in the video. You should watch it. It's safe for work. I say, what a lot of you. What are we talking about? I'll show you on my phone.

Whitney, may I ask you a question? Do you want to be a stylish young lady? Thank you. How many pairs of shoes do you own? So you know that there's larger numbers than 12? Hold on. I knew I was walking into a trap. But... So your defense is you can't lie?

I'm like, carry and lie your liar. I have to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing about the tooth. And do you have to tell the truth? And do you have a son who made this wish for you? No. I can't lie. I don't have a son. You don't have a son.

I'm on BC, baby. You're what? I'm on BC, baby. What's BC? Birthing control. I've never heard anyone brag about it like that before. I got BC given to me by the state. It's not to procreate.

A very rare distinction. Not everyone can claim. Taking preemptive. steps. My gosh. Yeah. Fantastic. Well, Whitney, you're a wonderful person. Can you stick around? No one's ever so. Oh, my God. I'm going to... I would agree. That it was a surprising summation. I'm going to cry. Please don't cry. That's just a sneeze. Bless me. Bless you.

Thank you. Man, I love it when friends come over for the first time and they look around at my space. and they tell me it just feels like me, you know, because your space should feel like you. And you know who helps with that? Wayfair. Wayfair makes creating that space easy on your budget. Now, if you've been thinking about ways to make your space feel more like you, stop putting it off and head over to Wayfair. I remember I was looking everywhere for an accent rug, and when I pulled up Wayfair, I realized I'd been wasting my time. No, not at Wayfair. it everywhere else.

I immediately spotted a rug on Wayfair. It was exactly my style. I couldn't believe the price. And right now, I cannot imagine my space without the Grigo Geometric Indoor Rug. Ordering from Wayfair was such an easy process. I can't recommend it enough. And if you don't like putting furniture together,

they can take care of that. Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. So you just pick what you want. All of the sudden, it is right there in your home. home. Ready to upgrade your home for way less, head over to wayfair.com right now to shop all the things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Every bold journey starts with a decision to go. And if you're ready, the Defender is too. This is a vehicle built for more, whether you're heading off the grid

or just getting out of town for the weekend. Defender is a true icon reimagined for a new generation. Its rugged exterior is built from durable materials and tested in the toughest conditions. Inside, it's modern, functional, and refined, with smart storage and premium touches that keep you comfortable wherever the road leads. It's packed with tech, like 3D surround cameras, clear-site ground, and rear views, driver-assist features, and an intuitive infotainment system. With three models, the Defender 90, 110, and 130, there's a defender for every kind of adventure, from city streets to remote trails.

This is a vehicle that, like you, is capable of great things. Explore the full defender lineup at landrover USA.com. All right, well, we need to get to our next guest. Let me tell the story of, you know, we're on this comedy bang, bang, tour, and we tour around from city to city. And, of course, the first stop we make in every city is to the local children's hospitals in order to just give them a thrill and cheer them up. And they love podcasts.

They love dick jokes. And New York City was no exception. I went and I visited a young boy. Which hospital did you go to? St. Jude's. And found a young boy whose dream was to be a stand-up comedian. And he was to, he had one wish. He had one wish of he wanted to perform on the show,

but he was too sick to perform on the show. So he asked his uncle to perform on the show in its place. So, ladies and gentlemen, give a big warm welcome to this sick boy's uncle, Wally Cobb. Oh, thank you, Scott. You're quite welcome. Oh, geez, thanks so much. I just got to say, Scott,

I'm the least funny guy you'll ever meet. That's probably what the guy. gonna put on my tombstone. Wally Cobb, the least funny guy you ever met. They might put on there how much you sound like a dude from family guy. Either would be very inappropriate. I don't know. A man has died.

I don't watch the program. It sounds like it's a real laugh. I wish I was like it. All right. So you want to be funny. but you don't think you can be funny. I don't think so. My nephew was sick.

He's in the hospital with toxoplasmosis. Toxoplasmosis, what is that? He got it from staying at my apartment for the weekend. It's the disease that's related to cats. Oh, yeah. I rent a room at the pound. The dog pound? Yeah, the dog cats, they all there.

And I rent one of the rooms in the back. That's my apartment. I didn't realize they were renting rooms there. Do you mean you're like in a kennel of some sort? Well, yeah. I suppose you could say that. Well, I just did. You're the comedian, not me.

All right. Well, you want to do comedy. I want to learn to be funny. Just if I could put a smile onto my nephew's face. So you think it's his dream to do comedy. If you were to do comedy and be successful at it, that would put a smile upon your nephew's face. Yeah, I just want to make.

that little tyke laugh. Just see, he's been so six, so down-brotting. So six? Yeah, between five and seven, he was so six. That's funny. Is it? Well, I know he listens to you guys.

Oh, yeah. And he listens to the podcast, and he says, those guys make me laugh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well, then, do you want to do the comedy that? Sure, yeah. You just teach me.

Wait, we have to teach you how to do comedy? Yeah, let's still a comedy routine if you could teach me how to do it. Okay, this is... Okay, great. I think the first thing you would do is you would stand up. Okay. And take center stage. You're the expert.

Have confidence. Like, stand up and look at, like, you own the place. Okay. Wait, are you doing it? Yeah. You look like a question mark. One thing I know that's very central to stand-up comedy is asking the audience a lot of pointless rhetorical questions.

Like how are they doing? Or like, what's the deal with? Have you seen this motion picture? That sort of thing. Hey, can anyone just think of something funny? You could say anything. Say like any movie. Like, have you seen blank?

Like, you didn't give a movie. Hey, while you're sitting there, can you just start thinking of a funny movie? movie you saw. I'm sorry. I don't think the path to success is asking the audience to think of funny things. Oh, okay, this is a good tip.

Have you ever said a joke, you know, to your co-workers maybe, that you thought to yourself, oh, that's funny, I should repeat that later. No, no. It's all real serious in my work. Where do you work? Hospital.

Which hospital? The one for adults. Oh, so not the children's hospital St. Jude's Senior. That's just the name. I didn't mean to be funny. Well, but see, there you go. It got a laugh, so maybe, you know,

maybe you could mind that for some more comedy. Talk about the hospital. There must be funny things that happen at the hospital. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine? What if someone wrote the word goof on the wall? I mean, I don't know. You guys are the comedians.

That would be funny to you if someone were to write the word goof. I don't know. It seems like a start of some sort. Someone just said, if I write the word goof, someone will read it, and they'll recall a goofier time. Is that something you've done? Have you written goof on the wall? No. If anything, I'd have to clean it up. Oh, is that your job? You're in custodial services? Yeah, I'm the guy who goes around and closes the windows.

Is that the entirety? Yeah, sometimes patients will know my windows at the hospital to get some air. But you can't, they might catch the death of cold. So I go around and I close all the windows. Is that the entirety of your job at the hospital? Yeah, that's right. That's all I do, day and night. You're working there day and night?

Sometimes you've got to pull a double. Why don't they just put a sign on the windows that says don't open? And then you could get fired. Budget cuts. But they're paying you to close them. Yeah, I said you could pay me less than it would take to print up a sign. One sign? Yeah.

How much are they paying you? They pay me just whatever change is left in a hospital bed after someone checks out. I say. Their change fell out of their pockets. Yeah, they cut off the pants during the operation or something. Did it never occur to someone they could merely write a sign and using any available materials and just tape that to the wall? That's a question that's above my pay grade.

Everything is above your pay grade. That's true. How do you like take a girl out or to eat or whatever if you only have changed from your job? What do you do for a date? I just say, do you like animals? and then I introduce it to my roommates. Okay, Bachelor number two. What's happening?

What do you do on a date? Why don't we go on a date? No, what do you do on a date? What do I want to do on a date? I don't go on dates, dear. I hate to mansplain this, do you? Okay. I'm married, dear.

With your wife, dear. What do we do on... You want to take her on a date? On dating night. Dating Night will, you know, go out to Inspiration Point and have sex in the back seat. That's her number three? Yes.

I would take you in a hot air balloon, which would be a larger and more impressive hot air balloon than anything Richard Branson has ever seen. And I would fly you around the world in 79 days. You win. Lord Weber, I think you and Whitney are really hitting it off here. Well, perhaps we'll get married if I'm not already married. Yeah, find out and then come ask my dad.

Oh, very old-fashioned. So I would go to Gordon and I would say... Or Oscar. Oscar's my mom. Okay, sorry. I came out of it. I would say, Gordon. I have an old-fashioned chap and it would certainly...

mean a lot to me if I had your blessing to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage and what do you think he might say? He'd be like, cool, buy something from Mr. Hooper's store. Too soon. That was great. That was what now?

That was great. Well, you can do just get involved, you know? Okay. Hey. Yes? What if someone wrote the word silly on the floor? No.

So do it. Oh, but then my friend would have to clean it up. Who's your friend? He all worked with custodial services with me. Oh, who's this friend? What's his name? His or her name? Vinnie Logger? Vinnie Logger? Yeah.

Like the drink logger, L-A-G-E-R? Yeah, and Vinnie, V-I-N-I. Oh, like the Latin. Yes. Like I came? You'd have to ask him. All right. See, you're funny.

I was telling the truth. What, is there truth in comedy? Well, Wally, the truth of this is after I heard your nephew's story, which you told me, by the way, in the hallway of I was trying to get into your nephew's room. Get it. You intercepted me and you told me this story

about your nephew. He loves you. Right. You, I then pretended to go, and you actually did leave, and I doubled back and I went into your nephew's room. What's this now? And your nephew is here with us tonight here in the theater. Please welcome Tommy. Nephew Tommy. Oh, Tommy. It's great to see you. You're looking well. Well, I got to say I'm embarrassed as all hell.

Why like that? I was trying to get up here and be funny with these guys you like. And instead, in some of my last days, you made a fool of yourself and the family. I hate it. I'm going to die never having a funny uncle. Okay, Tommy, this story is very confusing to me. Because you, originally I had heard you wanted to be the funny one.

Well, that is my dream. as any dying boy's wish is to be on a podcast. You said it earlier yourself. Any young... Any young kid to get sick is a tragedy, but to never be on a podcast. That's the real tragedy. Okay, well, you are on a podcast right now.

I'm not sure why you wanted your uncle to be a funny uncle. Because I wanted him to have a chance. He is a sad life, and I see him, always trying to goof around, you know, writing goof on the wall. Wait, he is writing goof on the wall? He is doing it. Although his friend has to clean it out.

Yeah, Vinny got mad. Vinny got mad, which is why you weren't honest with us? Ah, I lied. I'm sorry. That's why I'm not funny. Because there's truth in comedy, and I was lying. I see my Uncle Wally trying his best and he's writing silly and goofy, but he's not getting the reaction he wants.

People aren't thinking of a goofy or silly memory. And it made me feel bad. And as much as I love the podcast, I guess I love my uncle more. Oh. How confusing. Yeah, sure, I'm the one dying. But doesn't my uncle get a chance to live? I think that was never in question, Tommy.

Okay, when it boils down to it, shouldn't my uncle get the chance to keep living? It's never boiled down to that When push comes to shove I just want my uncle to live No, he's going to He's going to Don't worry, that was not a... He was never in danger of not living

When salt goes to sand I hope uncle lives You're saying the same thing Yes, rephrasing it several times I don't know I guess I wanted someone else to be happy Sue me Wow, you're a murder.

So, but your uncle has had the chance to make people happy or to make himself happy by, you know, making people laugh, and he seems incapable of doing so. Yes, he's failed. Yeah. It's safe to say he biffed it. Not allowed people get a first chance, let alone a second. So I basically am going to die unhappy.

What's your ETA? for dying. And may I say, I'm so sorry, what a rude question that was. I just want to know what time frame we're in. For a grown man to ask a little boy,

when are you going to die? All right, let me couch it, you know, in a better way. It sucks that you're going to die, but at what point is this going down? Much better. The technical term is ETA, and it's...

I used it. Yes. Yes, my estimated time of arrival to death is... E-T-A-D. Yes, E-T-D. They said I had weeks, but it turned into days

as the weeks passed. So you were told a couple of weeks ago you had weeks to live, and it turned into days because... Time. Time. That's why I wanted to cheer up. Cheer him up.

Look, the stakes have been well established at this point. We know why you wanted to share your nephew. Why don't you, like, do stand up together? Who me? I guess I have a couple of loo jokes. Oh, but then that sounds great. They're specific to the people working at St. Jude's. Okay, well, I think people here would be.

Who wants to hear Tommy do some jokes? Go on step up. Here, Tommy. Let me help you down. Why are you clutching that hat? It was my grandfather's. That's my dad. When did he pass on?

Alive still. You just stole it from him? It's no longer his hat. He abdicated his hat. Actually, he's still alive and hasn't visited me. Go figure. You guys know Clarice from the St. Jude's Cafeteria. Why is she always looking at porn on her phone?

That was pretty good. Hey, and what if someone wrote the word silly on the wall in the cafeteria? We've heard that one. You're not helping. Going into old material. Go on, go on. Why do I always wake up where sheets? I'm scared to die.

Maybe someone left the window open and rain came in. I see, you're not grasping the basic tenets of comedy, which is, the questions don't need answers. I think that Tommy seems to have it covered. Oh. Then I don't know you as a comedy partner are adding much to it by chiming with alternate theories to answer his questions. You guys are the experts. How do you, how do you make a bed cake? How do you make?

I don't know why we sound like ghosts. How do you make a bed cake? I'm almost going to be one. Too soon, like literally too soon. With a bed pan. So shit? Is that what you're saying? I love bed cake.

That's what I eat in my birthday. That's something we do to pass the time. Put poops in a bedpan and make a bed cake. Hey, you know, speaking of beds and bed pans, you know what the most comfortable mattress to have a bedpan in is? Well, I know. I certainly know. I know.

Well, why don't you tell us, Whitney? Lisa. Thanks to our sponsor, Lisa, for sponsoring the tour. The most comfortable mattress to take out a bed can and make a bed cake. They would agree. They would definitely agree. Perhaps you could slip a bedpan in between one of the three cooling layers of comfort. I think that would only be wise. Yeah, what if someone took one of those mattresses and wrote the phrase,

A Thousand Laughs on it? I don't know that he's getting this. That one I actually enjoyed. I sort of enjoyed it, but... He knows the results he wants. He just doesn't know how to get there. Yeah, that's true of a lot of things in life. Like what else?

Finding love. Oh, you haven't found love? No. Well, I was married, but she was one of those black widow. You mean she... You were married to a bus? She was in the papers. Black widow released from jail and...

She'd slain her previous husband. And was she going to marry you presumably for money, which you have established you do not have? Right. She's not good at being a black widow, in other words. So, wait, she was a black widow, had killed a previous husband. Right. Was released from jail?

Yeah. How old was this woman? 39 and a half. She got out for good behavior. Oh, I see. It was my mom. sister, and that's why he's my uncle. This was your aunt.

Yeah. So you're on the Black Widow side of the family. Yeah, I love the kid. Yeah, we're not related by blood. Oh, really? But you're very fond of your uncle. We spent a lot of time together, yeah. Yeah, doing what? Well, we'll mainly play catch, but instead kick it. You kick a bowl back and forth.

We kick a softball back and forth, yeah. Do you know what I come from? They make a bowl specifically to be kicked back and forth. It's called football or soccer, as we call it, here in the States. You're the experts. No, we're not. Sometimes we do a crossword, but we put in other words instead. Okay, give me an example.

Say there was, how many letters? Like, sometimes it would be like a three-letter word that means happiness or is a Jennifer Lawrence character. So we would then write joy in there, but instead you would write a thousand laughs. You would fit a thousand laughs into the three,

but it doesn't fit. We just write it across the whole newsprint, yeah. That's funny. Is it? Yeah, it is. Maybe I'm on to something. Yeah, well, just write words in the crossword that don't fit. Yeah. Yes, we know.

That's my nephew, Tommy. No, we don't. We do. All of this has been... I work at St. Jude's Sr. Our last name is Kyle. I think he's okay with me now. I was never mad.

I know that it wasn't you that made me sick, but the cats and the quality of your life. Are you scared to die? Not sure. I think when it comes, I'll be happy, which is now in hours. And when he checked in, they said it wasn't a terminal disease. He has toxoplasmosis.

I wasn't aware it was terminal. But they called it a terminal case of toxoplasmosis. They changed their mind after a while. Wow. And what, I mean, how you say it's supposed to happen tonight? I mean... Yeah, I went in and it wasn't officially that serious, but then I had a drip, an IV drip that made me sicker.

Oh, no. Why did the IV drip make you sicker? I guess it was what was in the drip. What was in it? What was in it? If I knew I could find the antidote. What did it look like? Do you recall what it looked like?

Black. And I know my mom's sister hooked it up. And her name is Dote. You're trying to find your antidote? Yeah. That's right you have to find. Okay, this is making more sense now. What?

By the way. Tommy, do you happen to have a lot of money? Too much. So much I don't even know what to do with it. Really? Do you have several castles? Yes. So how did you get all this money, if I can ask, Tommy? Inherited it.

From whom? A neighbor that really was fond of me. Oh, no, not like that. He was my age. He died from bee stings. Some sort of my girl situation? Yeah. That was his dying.

lying words, this is a my girl situation. And Tommy, well, Tommy was a real schlomsky. To this friend. Yeah. Yeah. So this friend left you all this money. Did you ever think that maybe your, your antidote is trying to murder you after mistakenly marrying this dumb shit?

I never thought of it. that way. What do I do? I have an idea. I have an idea. Okay. What if you wrote the word mirth on the ceiling? All right, that's our show. Thanks very much. Thank you. Good night.