Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In New York City 2016, Part 1

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from the Gramercy Theatre, New York City - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Reverend Robert Parsimony, Lauren Lapkus as Natalie Scoppapoppalee and special guest Rogue Wave.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, could we please take it easy on small business owners? Small business owners have enough to do without losing hours to the post office or overpriced postage meters. And that's where Stamps.com comes in. You can mail and ship on your schedule or schedule right from your laptop or laptop or phone with no lines and no fuss. You can print postage on demand and get up to 90% off carrier rates with FedEx, UPS, and USPS. Schedule pickups right from your door and get carry. our compliant labels every time. No errors, no rejected mail, no wasted trips.

Send certified mail track documents and get analytics to know exactly what you've sent. And how much you've spent. I used to block out time every week just for post office runs. Ugh. Now I handle everything from my desk and a fraction of the time. Stamps.com has changed how I work. And I know it will help any business owner too. It saves me so much time and hassle and I can put my focus on other things.

For almost 30 years, millions of customers have relied upon Stamps.com to make mailing and shipping faster and simpler. Right now, you could try Stamps.com risk-free for 60 days. Imagine going 60 days without a risk. Go to Stamps.com and use Code Freedom to get 60 days risk-free. 60 days gives you plenty of time to see exactly how much time and money you're saving on every shipment. That is Stamps.com Code Freedom. That's Stamps.com, code freedom. Paul, is there a right time for better health?

I don't think so. That's what I thought, too. Okay, I'm glad we're on the same page with that. Yeah, there's just now, right? That's so true. Now is the time for better. Bestie? Yeah, yes.

Anyway, AG1 is the easiest and most impactful habit that you can implement this year. And do you know what, Scott? Sustainable health is about consistency, not perfection. So you want to simplify your nutrition with AG1, multivitamin, pre-and-probiotic, superfoods, and antioxidants in one scoop. I hate oxidants. I'm going to do all that plus post-biotics. I'm going to invent those. I'm just going to do biotics. Sure. Okay. Age 1 is the opposite of complexity. 20 seconds, one scoop, eight ounces of water, you're done. Drink it first thing. Drink it last thing. Drink it before coffee. Drink it after coffee.

it during coffee. I don't care. I don't care what you do. I don't care. I'd leave me out of all of your decisions. Oh, and the new next-gen formula? They've added more vitamins and minerals than ever clinically proven to fill common nutrient gaps. Look, I've been drinking

AG1 every single morning. I drink it every hour on the hour. What's your favorite flavor? White. Mine's berry. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good one. I love berry, but

honestly, I've enjoyed them all. I'm already knocking out my 2026 nutrition goals in just one day because I've drank the whole year's supply in one day. Oh, I wouldn't do that. Listen, AG1 has over 50,000 verified five-star reviews and comes with a 90-day money-back guarantee. So go to drinkag1.com slash freedom to get their best offer. For a limited time only, get a free AG1 duffel bag and free AG1 welcome kit with your, do you think the welcome kit is inside the duffel bag? I'm going to put that inside the duffel bag. That's going to be awesome.

Only while supplies last. That's drinkag1.com slash freedom. Drink ag1.com slash freedom. Freedom. Hey everyone. Scott Ackerman here and welcome back to Freedom. We are on hiatus for a little while. And while we are on hiatus, we are bringing you tour episodes. of Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang is a different podcast, but famously the podcast where Paul and

Lauren and I all went on tour in 2016 together. We did all the U.S. shows together, as well as Australia. And we became fast friends on this. And this is the, these are the seeds that were planted that became the freedom that you know and love. So what are you going to hear? This is an episode from 2016. This is called 2016 Tour, New York Part 1. This was taped on May 13th of 2016. This was the 7 p.m. show.

We posted up in New York and we did, I believe, six shows over three nights there. So two shows a night. This was the first one of the night on May 13th. and so it's hosted by myself. If you've never heard Comedy Bang Bang before, I hosted as myself, and then I have comedians on playing fake characters. And on this episode,

Paul F. Tompkins plays Reverend Robert Parsimony, and Lauren plays Natalie Scopopopoli. Natalie Scopapapoli, I do not remember anything about. So this is going to be new to me as well. We also have, as a very special treat, we have the band Rogue Wave, who was one of me and Lauren's favorite bands. They came and did the show and performed a couple of songs for the audience and for you. So that's, I think that makes this a really special show. So enjoy this.

We are going to be on hiatus for a little while longer, but we'll be back. next week with another tour episode. So until then, enjoy this episode of Freedom. Hello. Very strange. Having people my exact level. All right, we'll deal with that. Before I forget, TGIF, thank God it's fuck, what day is it? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Catchphrase by the Mouch Man. See here? I'm assuming he. man is in his very name thanks for coming out to the Grammarcy what an awesome venue all I can see are two bars and TVs with writing on them

that look like karaoke it looks like one sentence lit up in yellow on both of them they look like lyrics I wish I could read them I would sing them A bar menu, someone says. Well, that ruined all the fun. Had a good riff going.

It's over now. How's everyone doing? Thank you so much for coming out here to New York City. So many exits. They're all lit up. And the good seats are all really uncomfortable looking folding chairs. And all the bad seats look really comfortable. How's my comfy section?

My comfies. Y'all looking comfortable up there. We have a great show tonight. This is the first show in a six night, no, three night. I don't even, okay, forget it. I'm no longer interested in that fact. Gonna move on. This is a treat to have six sold-out shows here at the Gramercy.

I heard about this place. I heard that everyone in here, here loves to party? Is that? Did I get that fact correct? Whoever that was the last person. Almost as if you were resigned to a life of partying, but you knew it made you empty inside. Yeah, I party. It's really wreaked havoc on my personal life. Well, we're going to party tonight. We have a great group of people here that we've been traveling the country with, and I'm very excited to be doing a show with them. Ready to start comedy, bang, bang. Our first guest is a man of faith, a man of the cloth.

Please welcome to the stage, Reverend Parsimony. Hello, hello to everyone, here in this place. New York City, this is... Yes, oh, please don't say it. It's bad enough we're here. We have to remind ourselves. What a terrible burden it is to be walking around in the city of sin. You think the entire city is full of sin? there are houses of worship everywhere you look.

Son, are your eyes broken? What's that? Are your eyes broken? Are my eyes broken? Yes, look around you. This place is just a den of iniquity from stem to stern, everywhere you look. What is it that makes you feel that way? Is it the variety of different types of people, or is it the...

I don't like that for certain. I kind of figure that was the main complaint. I don't know why we need so many people to be running around. What's the point of it all? You know what I mean? But you can't possibly get to know that much about other cultures from being all crammed into this fish bowl. Is part of it how late everyone stays up?

I mean, all the businesses seem to stay up all hours of the night? Do you know that fun expression? Nothing good ever happens past midnight. You know that expression? I guess so. I say it's for people who have what's called FOMO. Are you familiar with FOMO? I'm familiar with FOMO.

I'm not sure how you are, but... I hear things, I hear things. You heard FOMO. I have to... I heard FOMO, do you doubt me? Do you call a man of the cloth a liar in front of all these hellbound people? I mean, I've heard of FOMO.

Where did you chance upon the expression? I hear young people talking, you know, we have... In my church, the Presby Lutheran Church, we have many outreach groups for the kids to keep them on the straight and narrow. It won't work, of course. They're all doomed to hell. There's nothing God hates more than a child.

Who's worse? Oh. Do you think that when children become adults, then they're actually worthwhile? A little bit better. I mean, they've got a chance to sort out and suppress their hideous desires. But children, they're all just these monsters

that want to need things, and they're expressing themselves, their feelings. That's what... Oh, God doesn't want you to do that, by the way. God doesn't want you to do that. You're supposed to pray silently at the foot of your bed, kneel down there. Just either hands clasped together, making a little church that you can look at. You get yourself in the mood looking at that little church hands.

Then you close your eyes and you just beg God, please don't kill me. Please don't kill me, God. I know you despise me because I was born with original sin and I'm certainly not doing anything to reverse it. and there's so many reasons for you to be mad at me, and you're justified in every single one, of course. I'm sorry that I exist. I would point out that it was your idea, not mine, but I know that'll just make you mad,

so forget I thought that. Then you just keep apologizing, apologizing until you get sleepy and you crawl into bed. You ever fall asleep in the middle of a prayer and just wake up the next morning on the ground? I have been... Many of the time I fall asleep in a string of apologies to God, and I wake up, and sometimes I wake up with a star,

like, I'm sorry, God, like that. Do you also apologize in your dreams? Are you praying in your dreams when that happens? Oh, I wish I could. In my dreams, in my dreams, I'm not so much apologizing, just running, just running, running, because I feel like God's after me. It's God the Father and his son, Jesus, and I don't know, there's like angels and stuff running around.

Everyone's trying to get me. They're just trying to get me. Serafim. Sarah Phim, cherubim. No, I'm talking about my friend Sarah Phim. I was wondering if you knew her. I wish God were here right now to destroy you, but probably in one of the many useless churches you have in this town.

Can I ask you a serious question? Let's see. You're doing the steeple with your hands. Oh, back to the prayer, sure. Yeah, back to the prayer. Do you have to do it if you're in a church with a steeple? If you're in a church with a steeple, you do the old double fist, where you interlace your fingers, and that's the ward off against

devil attacks. You think you're safe in a church, but that's where the devil likes to be the most of all. If you've ever seen any of those movies where they're always turning the cross upside down and stuff like that, oh, devil's love to do it. There's always someone like Arnold Schwarzenegger like going in there or Keanu Reeves, like shouting at God or something. shouting at the cross and shouting at God, like, why did you do this? Right.

When did Arnold Schwarzenegger do that? End of days, my good man. All right. How about, how about Keanu Reeves? When did he do it? The devil's advocate. Oh, okay. Well, if I'm not mistaken, weird applause for the devil's advocate.

Every movie is someone's favorite. That shouldn't be so. I think of a movie doesn't make. If it doesn't make a certain amount of the box office, no one is allowed to claim it as a favorite. I loved it. What is your favorite movie? Oh, my favorite movie. Let's see. I haven't been to the films in quite a long time.

Probably Herbie goes bananas. It's about a car possessed by a demon, and in the end, it's no good for the demon. He's just trapped inside that car, so he can't really do any bad work. He just wins a couple of races, I guess. goes bananas, certainly. You know what?

Actually, that title is a lie. He does in no way go bananas. Kept waiting. He reacts in every situation the way an anthropomorphic car would act. In the most logical manner. The most logical. If you put yourself in that position to say, well, if I were a sentient car, that's what I do too.

Kept expecting him to like, you know. He's the least. bananas behaving character in the entire film. Yeah. Dean Jones, now he went bananas. Yeah, and to hell. Recently, too. For appearing in films. Kept expecting, you know, the Herbie to drive off a cliff or something, you know, but

no. You kept expecting that? Yeah, well, if it's going to go bananas, it's like, you know, mentally insane. Well, I think if someone takes their own life, I don't think we qualify that as bananas. It's a very... Did you hear what happened to Jim? He went bananas.

He went bananas. I think that's so. That's underplaying it a little bit. Seems disrespectful. Of course, Sylvia Plath, the most famous case of bananas ever. Ernest Hemingway, bananas. That's a good title for a movie, though. Sylvia Plath went bananas.

Is it set after the time she went bananas? Because Herbie goes bananas implies, Oh, we're going to watch him as he currently goes bananas. Yes, and then, of course, that was a lie. All of the people connected that film are in hell. Really, just lying puts you in hell? Okay, I don't know if you know much about God. He's not a big fan of lies, big fan of sending people to hell.

Don't you understand? Here's what you have to understand, all of you. God hates us. Oh, he hates us so much. He's just setting all these traps for us all the time, looking for us to slip up, and then he wants to send us to hell so he can just stand up there laughing and saying,

I told you so, I told you so. That's God. Sinning is almost like, you know, if you were in the jungle and you, you know, you stepped on something and then suddenly, you know, it wraps around your leg and you're turning upside down, you know. Well, it's a sin to be in the jungle for a start. Really?

Shouldn't be there. What about natives? Well, they're going to hell. They don't know about Christ, so goodbye. What? Big mistake on your part, natives. But no one told them about it. Missionaries.

Oh, you got me there. I did. And if the missionaries can't get to these natives, well, then, you know, tough luck. Then the missionaries go to hell for not reaching out to those natives. Boy, when they meet up in hell, they are angry at one another. I should have listened to you. I should have found you. This is your fault.

No, this is your fault. Then a demon sticking them with a pitchfork. The blame game. The blame game. And then you know what happens? They're in for a hell surprise. I was talking with a friend of mine about hell surprises recently. Oh, is that so?

Yeah, yeah. That's astonishing. It's nice to hear you actually back up the fact that there are hell surprises. Very surprising to me. A hell surprise. No, that you have friends. Oh. You walked right into that one.

Hey, I've been had by the best. What percentage of people in the world go to hell? 100%. Why else would it be there? It's like an apartment. You've got to rent it out. How is it?

Have you gone bananas? If your property is just sitting there, you're paying for it, and yet it's remaining unoccupied. You're not collecting. You're saying if you have another property in which you live and then you have this investment property, you might as well rent it out. Sure.

That's sort of what hell is, is like God's investment property. Hell is also this conversation. I feel like we're there right now. So, Reverend, may I call, may I call you Reverend? Yes, you may, that's my title. What is your first name? Robert. Robert?

May I call you Robert? No. Okay. It's very familiar. And I earned this title. I went to a seminary school. Earned it. Yes, exactly.

Just by going to school. We all went to school. I went to a different school. Do you know there's different schools? Yes, but how come I... How do you think a nurse happens? Someone in your class just puts on a hat at graduation? But I feel bummed because I didn't get a title after graduating high school.

No, because you haven't done anything. Yeah, here's your... I say, here's your title. High school graduate. Would you address me by that? Oh, I'd be happy to. So, Reverend, what brings you to New York City? I'm frankly astonished that you're here.

Well, try not to go bananas, but I think that a good... Something that would go a long way towards keeping God from destroying this city immediately is if we just shut down Broadway once and for all. Shut down Broadway the street or Broadway the... The idea. The idea of Broadway. The very idea. It's getting out of hand, and I think God is just, oh boy, he's got his fist raised ready to smash it down.

You think Broadway is a den of iniquity of sorts. You mean all the plays that are put on? Every single one of them. First of all, people sing in, they're not singing hymns. That's strike number one. I can't believe that's been lasting so long, and God hasn't turned this place into a fireball. Do you think anyone's singing anything other than a hymn? God should turn it into a fireball?

It's not for me to say what God should do. I'm just telling you what God is going to do. Is that what happened with the Great White concert? I'm not familiar with that. Why don't you tell me all about it? Oh, another time. After the show, why don't we can't? You don't want to go into great detail about the Great White concert?

I'll fill you in later. All right. I look forward to it because I'll be gone. So you think, what steps are you taking while you're here? in New York City to shut down Broadway. Well, I made a sign. A sign? Yes.

Made a sign. On cardboard or? No, it's good stock. Good, like thick stock. Like a two by four or? Well, that's the handle. Okay. You know, it's a good solid wood.

Okay. And then the sign tacked to it. It's a thinner piece of wood. And I got it painted real nice, real nice. And it says, please stop. Nothing more? Just please stop. What more needs to be?

said I'm on Broadway. I got my sign. The lettering's very clear. I really took my time with it. Broadway theaters, you realize, are not on the street Broadway, mainly. It's more of a... What are you're talking about? Broadway theaters are all over the place. It refers to a certain size of theater in the general vicinity. Well, what's happening on the street that I'm marching around on? Not a lot, I have to say. Because of my sign? It seems to be working. Have you found yourself in front of a play like Hamilton or anything like that? Hamilton is actually, I think you might like it. It's based upon the founding of our country by Alexander Hamilton.

Oh, that sounds pretty good. Keep going. And it features people of color. What? Now look. I got no problem with people being different colors. That's fine. That wasn't my idea. That was gods.

But, if you're, first of all, if you're a person of one color, playing a person of another color, that's lying. But then all acting is lying. You didn't, that ain't real.

You didn't say that. Someone else wrote it, and then you're pretending that it's the truth. That's a lie. So every actor has gone to hell. Every single actor. Name an actor,

I'll tell you he's in hell. Tom Cruise. Hell. Wait, living, not, he's going to hell. Oh, so you mean dead actors? Yes, I didn't. Did I misspeak? Did I say that every actor, every extra actor?

You just said name an actor, I don't know. I thought the implication was there, name a dead actor, and I'll tell you if he's in hell or not. You can name living actors, I'll tell you if they're at hell. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Give you a mixed bag. Okay, the aforementioned Arnold Schwarzenegger. On his way.

Hattie McDaniel. Hell. Humphrey Bogart. Hell. He's also, he married several times. That's right out of order. Mm-hmm. George Clooney.

Hellbound. He also, he's going to hell for pranks. I agree. What are you doing, pulling pranks on people? Pranks aren't in the Bible. You can't do pranks. They're not in the Bible. I mean, Jesus coming back from the dead is kind of...

How dare... Have you gone bananas, son? It's not a prank. That's a surprise. That's a heaven surprise. Surprise, I'm alive. Then he hung around for like 45 days, then he just like, bloop, floated right on up.

He was assumed into heaven, by Almighty God, that's correct. Is he the only person who's in heaven? No, Mary, of course, his mother. Really? But what about Joseph? No. Well, you know, his wife had a child that wasn't his, so there rules are rules. Yeah.

Would baby Jesus, he's a child, Would he have gone to hell if he had died early? Now, I'm going to refresh your memory. I'm a man of the cloth. I'm wearing Reverend clothes. I have a great big shock of white hair on the top of my head and little spectacles perched on the end of my nose. I've talked to you all about God and heaven and hell

for the past, I don't know how long this has been, but too long in my opinion. I'm about ready to go bananas. Did you just ask me about infant mortality vis-a-vis? be our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm just saying if, you said that all children go to hell. You can't do what ifs?

That's against the Bible. The Bible's ought to choose your own adventure book, son. You can't, oh, what do you think King Herod should do? Turn to page 46 if you think you should not hunt the holy family down. In a way, it's to choose your own adventure book in the sense of, you know, like, anytime you go to church, it's like, hey, turn to this page, turn to that page. You know what I mean? Just read it front to back. But the outcome is always the same.

praise God, ask him not to destroy us. There's only two paths you could choose, heaven or hell, and guess what, you're going to hell. Do you think that there's a reckoning to come? Do you think, you know, what is described in the book of Revelations is going to happen here, a rapture? Are you kidding me? It's probably going to happen next week.

Next week, why? Yeah. Wait do you see the TOTI awards, and I don't know, you get Neil Patrick Harris out there doing a magic trick, and then all of a sudden he lifts up the curtain, and instead of, you know, Lynn Maywell Miranda doing a song and dance. It's a seven-headed beast wearing seven crowns.

That actually sounds pretty cool. Yeah, it's pretty cool until he starts gnashing you up in one of his many mouths. Yeah, but I'm watching it on TV, so I wouldn't be there. Oh, yeah, you're right. Probably this hell apocalypse beast will just confine himself to the Tony's Theater. You might not go, you know, south of Delancey. We don't know. We'll see, won't we?

I guess we will. Well, Reverend, I, you know, I can't say I wish you luck in your endeavor to shut down Broadway. I've enjoyed many shows on Broadway. Oh, name one. Fun Home, that's a great show. What's that about? Fun Home is about a person who runs a funeral home. Right.

I like it so far. Preparing people for the after. For the path to hell. Right. And then he's gay. Stop. I can't have any more of this in my ears. Some great songs, The Ring of Keys.

You probably have a ring of keys. Are there any songs like, I'm sorry, God? That sounds like a real toe-tapper. People leave the theater whistle, I'm sorry, God, I shouldn't have been gay. I chose it just like you said I would. That would be a surprising conclusion to that show. I'm assuming the way the show ends is a huge,

pit opens up on the stage and a horrible glowing light comes up and everyone just steps in one by one and says, so long, time to go to hell. Well, Reverend Parsiominy, I can't say that I really you know, hope that you

win in this war against Broadway. Sorry, it took so long to say that. Oh, that's all right. You were very preoccupied with whatever's happening behind my back, looking over my shoulder for the last 45 minutes. Sorry, but people are flashing signs of me.

Oh, sure. What are those signs? Be rude. What is someone telling you to steal second? What's going on? Okay, son. Okay.

We're going to have to sign you up for your equity card if you take one more step onto the stage. Hey, can I tell you something personal and promise you won't freak out? A little bit about me. When I'm hosting, I want drinks everyone can enjoy. Something fun and flavorful,

not just sparkling juice. That's why I turned to little, for the cocktail experience without the alcohol. Little Saints makes elevated non-alcoholic drinks and spirits for people who love the ritual of a great cocktail, but they want to skip the downsides of alcohol, like tossing and turning all night, or dealing with next day brain fog.

Don't lie. We've all experienced it, except for the people who've never, ever had a drink in their lives. Little Saints drinks are expertly crafted to taste just like your favorite top shelf cocktails just without the booze. Now listen, I recently hosted and I served the espresso

martini from Little Saints at a small party. You weren't invited because we were trying to keep it small. Don't complain. And it was such a hit. Everyone loved the full cocktail experience and no one was dealing with alcohol

or sugar cratches. It felt fancy, festive, and totally friggin' inclusive. I had to get another F in there. And I felt proud. Yes? Proud to offer something that everyone could enjoy. I want you to check out Little Saints and discover your magic hour.

Visit Little Saints.com to explore the cocktails. Use code Freedom to get 15% off your first order. That's code Freedom to get 15% off your first order. Maybe, just maybe. You've got an idea you can't shake. For me, it's that somebody's over there in the corner and their eyes are glowing red. for you it might be a craft everyone tells you to sell a story you've already designed in your head make 2026 the year you finally launch your business with shopify Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person millions of pardon my french entrepreneur's have already made this leap from household names to first time business owners just getting started shopify gives you all the tools to easily build your dream store choose from hundreds of beautiful templates

so you can customize to match your brand. If you saw the store that's in my dreams, you'd be like, I got to go there. It's in the clouds. Set up as fast as Shopify's built-in AI tools that write product descriptions and headlines and help you edit product photos. Marketing is built in, too.

I knew you were going to ask that. Create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever, wheresoever they may scroll. As you grow, Shopify grows with you. Scary. Handle more orders. Expand to new markets and do it all

from the same dashboard. Eventually, you and Shopify would be the same height. In 2026, stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash freedom. Go to Shopify.com slash freedom. That's Shopify.com slash freedom. No role this time.

Here you're first in this new year with Shopify by your side. A new year. Colder days. This is the moment your winter wardrobe really has to deliver. Oh, believe me. I've been talking to my clothes and telling them, this is crunch time, gang. Do they talk back ever? No.

I'm normal. Oh, okay. Great. I thought you were normal. And you've just reassured me. Well, if you're craving a winter reset, start with pieces truly made to last season after season after season after season. Quince brings together premium materials, thoughtful design, and enduring quality. So you stay warm, look sharp, as Joe Jackson told us to do.

That's right. And feel your best all season long. As Joe Jackson also admonished us. Remember his song, Feel Your Best All Season Long? Yes. Quintz has everything you need. Men's Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Wool coats.

Leather and suede outer weather that actually hold up to daily wear and still look good. Yum. Yum. Their outerwear, it's especially impressive. Think down jackets. Wool coats, Italian leather outerwear that keeps you warm when it's actually cold. I'm especially impressed. Each piece is made from premium materials.

by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. That's right. I happen to love my Mongolian cashmere crue neck sweater from Quince. I wear it constantly, even to bed. I haven't taken it off since I received it. And that was... Yeah, I meant to talk to you about that. Oh, okay.

Well, we'll have an off-mite conversation about that. Refresh your winter wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com slash freedom for free shipping on your order and 365-day return. Now available in Canada, too. Oh, Canada. Oh, Canada. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash freedom. Free shipping and 365-day returns.

That's all year. Quids.com slash freedom. All right, we do have to get to our next guest if that's all right. Okay. You share that with a lot of my guests recently. Is that so? We have to get to our next guest. She, of course, has a well-reviewed advice column.

Oh, that's good. Woo! Advice. I hope she answers every question. Go to church. Mm-hmm. Please welcome Natalie Scopapopoli. Hey, Scott.

Am I pronouncing your name right? Scott, Natalie Scopopopopoli? Yeah. Natalie Scopapapopoli. Hi, who are you? My name is the Reverend Robert Parsimini. I can't hear you. My name, I say my name is the Reverend Robert Pascivenny.

Oh, my God. It's as loud as I can get. What's that? You're a real-life earthquake. I don't know what that means. I could feel you shake it all the way from here. I'm a little quivery, it's true. Yeah.

It comes with age, though. Does it not? It does. It does. I'm an aging man. How long have you had that quivery, shaky voice? Oh, probably since my voice changed in high school. What did you sound like before that?

I used to sound like this. Oh, you could still do. Why don't you just put that on when everyone? It takes a great strain, and I have to keep on guard all times because God might get me. God might, like, fly down your throat. Oh, he's lurking around every corner. Has that ever happened to anyone? Just God, like, coming down someone's throat or...

Hey! That's what happens when you swallow bird shit. That's what that is. Is that what that is, really? Hey, I don't make the rules. So, Natalie... Hi! Hi, it's so nice to meet you.

We have never met before. It's nice to meet you. No, we haven't. That's our second shaking of hands. Whoa, look at it go. It's great. It's going so well. Oh, wow.

So Natalie, you're an advice columnist. Where are you published? Well, I kind of make my own publication. I'm a receptionist at a well-loved, beloved insurance company in town. Okay. Can I guess what it might be? Yes, you can. Is it?

Bump, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, da-da-dun-dun-d-d-don. Keep going. Is that from Fun Home? Don't do it. Don't do it. I am gay. Oh, boy. We are farmers.

Yes, you got it, yeah. You're a farmer. Farmers insurance. Farmers insurance. For farmers only, yeah. Farmers insurance covers only farmers? Only farmers. Same as farmers only dating site.

Yeah. We're all linked together. They never bring that up in the commercials. I might have tried to get you. That's how they get you. That's not how they get you because they're denying everyone else coverage. That's how they get you by not bringing that up. Yeah.

They tricked you. You've thought about it. Yeah, I certainly have thought about it. Thank God I never called and wasted ten minutes. Thank God. Thank God. No, I heard you. Do you think it's okay for a man who's not a religious man to thank God?

You're really walking on thin ice there, son? In what way? I mean, just because... God knows, God knows you're not religious. He knows. He knows it's sarcastic. It's sarcastic. I'm actually saying, like, thank God. Thank God.

Do you believe in God? No. Well, there you go. You don't believe in God? Well, I mean, you know, I believe that there is a unifying force that maybe links us all. Oh, boy, oh boy. Yeah. I'll see you literally in hell.

You're going to be there too, though. Of course I am. Are you trying to put it off as long as possible? As long as possible. I'd make a deal with the devil if I could, but I know that'll probably get me there faster. If we've learned anything from devil's advocate. Someone's favorite film. Great film.

What about the devil went down to Georgia? He was looking for us oldest to you. He was a little behind, right? Yeah, this is an interesting theological discussion that I feel will take away from our new guest. We have time, we have time. Well, here's the thing. How is the devil behind schedule?

Who is he answering to? He's in trouble, and he's got to make up for lost time, and he's willing to have some sort of fiddle contest with some country, bumpkin out the middle of nowhere. He sort of makes his own hours, doesn't he? You would think, what's the point of ruling hell if you can't do that?

Is that what the fiddle contest is about? He's late for something? He's in a bind, he's way behind, and he's looking to make a deal. So he sees this dumb, dumb, sitting on a haystack, and he says, hey, I'll challenge you to a fiddle playing contest. I'm the devil, I'll bring an electric

guitar because I'm, I cheat it stuff. Then somehow the devil, the master of tricks loses the contest. And there's no judge except him. He goes, well, you beat me and then he leaves. Let me tell you something. That is not

how the devil works. That's wishful thinking on Charlie Daniels' part. Maybe he's behind when it comes to his own personal standards. That's an interesting theory that you could share with him when you arrive in hell. I can't wait to go to hell.

Oh, don't say that. That's I can't. All my ex-husbands are there. I have five. You have five ex-husbands? And they're all deceased? Yep. They were all gay. That's not an explanation. You're missing a middle part. I have five husbands who are all deceased. They were all gay. All you did was repeated. What don't you understand? How did they all die? Okay. I'll tell you. The first one,

Was alive. He was a wonderful man. He was a lawyer. He was gay. He passed. Next one. He worked at McDonald's. I kind of like took a step down with that one. He loved him very much great personality. He did pass away. It was gay. The third similar story was his twin. Married at the same time. Also worked at McDonald's? Yes. And you were a bigamist?

Yeah, a big macamist. I can see that. Yeah, yum, yum. Oh, you say yum yum. Yeah, of course I do. Lots of people say yum, yum. It's a word in the dictionary. That's right, baby.

Yum yum is a word in the dictionary. I thought just yum was. Yeah, I read it twice. What are we doing here? She's got you there. When you say it, you're reading a dictionary? Yeah. When I say yum yum, I'm picturing myself

opening the dictionary to Y-U-M and moving my eyes over it two times. That's how I see every word I'm saying. right now. It's impossible to have a conversation. I feel very overwhelmed. You're imagining yourself flipping through the dictionary as we're talking. Every time I need a new word,

yes. Oh, so exhausting. If you were to say Ardvark, kind of easy, or Zydico. Sure. Zydico, yes. Every time I say that, I flip right to the back of the book. Yep. So then your fourth and fifth husband?

Oh, they're both gay. Yeah. What do they do for a living? Oh, okay. Number four was the President of the United States. Wait a second. One of the dead ones, so we're talking Ronald Reagan. Gerald Ford.

Elder, older, older. Nixon. Go way back. William Henry Harrison? Yes. What? No one ever talks about him. I love hearing his name.

Could you believe it, though? I married a gay ghost. Oh, he was a ghost? I'm such an idiot. Oh, okay. I'm not sure if that's legal. You know when you're in love, though, you don't see these things. I hate to ask, but who is the fifth guy? Oh, the fifth guy, I haven't met yet.

But you're already, he's already dead from being gay? It's related. Yeah. You just have plans in the future to marry a dead gay person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Were all your husband's dead before you married them? No, no.

I'm just asking a question, miss. You needn't to jump down my throat like some sort of devil. Like your God or something? Please stop saying that. No, it was unusual. It was really unusual. But, you know, he was a president. He was very charming.

All presidents are very charming, you know. How did he come to you at your house? Yeah, he came to me at my house. He knocked on the door three times. That's how you know it's a ghost. I opened it. wasn't even really taking it in, but God, he was so handsome in his wheelchair. As a ghost, he has a wheelchair?

Yes, he broke his legs on his way to hell. It's a long way down. Yeah. They have a ramp. They have a ramp. It was good. He knocked, we fell in love, whatever. I mean, really, you know, my relationships don't define me, though.

It really don't. Okay, I'm sorry. And I don't think anyone's relationships should define them at all, actually. No, but if you were married to the ghost of a president, I think people are going to want to talk about it? Did you ever date anyone interesting? Never. Oh, we have company. Hold on a second.

There's more signs happening. Are you a married man, Reverend Persimini? Yes, I have a lovely wife. Oh, what's her deal? She's a pious woman who is trying like me to save off hell for as long as possible, and she thinks that hiding in my shadow will keep her from internal damnation, but guess what it won't? That was in our vows. How romantic.

Guess what it won't was in your vows? I call them like I see him. Was that in your vows as well? There was. And then we shook hands and we were married. No kissing. You have a kisser? No, what are you kidding me?

That leads to other things. And then God is just waiting to get in there and tear you apart, limb from limb. But you already said 100% of people are going to hell. That's right. Why don't have fun while you're down here? Sorry, Ms. Talkerman. There's a...

You don't have to apologize. You just were so flabbergasted by what I said. I'm just so... surprised that you're saying in front of a man of the cloth here. Well, I'm saying he seems like he's really holding himself back. If you think it's fun to be rubbing parts together while you're thinking of brimstone

destroying your flesh, then go have fun, but not for me. No thank you. Have you ever had an erection? What? How dare you? Don't even mention it. But have you? What kind of a question is that to ask someone?

He couldn't believe what I said, and then he asked you that. So, Natalie, you're an advice columnist. Yes, I write an advice column. You self-publish, you were saying? Yes, I self-publish it on my computer. I print it out and hand it out and put it everyone's mailbox in the office.

So it's really beautiful. Trifold. Trifold. Yes, I learned how to do that on Word. So I can print in three columns and answer three separate questions each week. So it's trifold like Paul Revere's hat or something? Exactly. It's a perfect hat.

Try-O. corner. It's a tri-corner hat. He didn't fold his hat three times. I don't know what he did. Yeah, here's what he didn't do, that. Maybe when he was traveling. Yeah, what if he had to put it in the overhead compartment?

Oh, maybe it was, what are you talking about? You mix it history up, planes and Paul Revere. This is the devil's business. Sorry, Reverend. I don't like it. It's like the steampunk stuff where they take a superhero. They do a steampunk version of it. you doing?

Steampunk Stormtroopers and the like. God doesn't like that. Keep everything separate. But you like a regular stormtrooper? No, I don't like any of it. Don't you understand? But you take specific umbrage to that.

Yeah, I do. Special exception to Steampunks. All right, very good. So what is your advice column... What does your advice column deal with? What types of advice? Just any sort of interpersonal relationship problems, just life issues,

anything that you're really struggling with in your life. Like, if you guys have any questions about something you're going through, I'd be happy to answer for you. Oh, okay. Just the way I would in the style of my column. Let's see, all right, I'm in a long-term committed relationship of over 30 years. My wife, every once in a while,

makes romantic overtures towards me, and I recoil in horror, and then she starts to cry. What can I do to make her stop crying? Wow, congratulations on me. a relationship for so long. Thank you. You can't respond. Oh, that's right.

I'm reading now. I see. Congratulations on having a wife who's still interested in having sexual relationships with you at such a long point in your relationship. You've obviously been doing something right. My advice for you is this.

And then I make the far out really, really big to fill all the space. And then I say, stop giving such a fuck about it. calm the fuck down, let it go, live your life. Can I respond now? Yeah. Okay.

I have multiple problems with your response. Okay. Why is the font so big? Because I had to fill the space. It's like a long... Why don't you make the column shorter? I only do three questions a week. You want to fill the whole page?

I want to fill the page, yeah. You're the one publishing it. I know. Should I make it tiny? Like smaller paper? That's one way to solve this problem. There's literally millions of ways to solve this. Small paper, sure, that's a good idea.

What's another idea? You have a million. What about making all of the type size uniform and instead of suddenly raising it in the middle of your answer? How would it fill it? Well, you could make the font bigger and then you could shorten the answer

to just that crude thing you say at the end because I have a feeling that's your response to every question. Am I wrong about that? Wow! Yes, you are wrong about that. Yes, you're very wrong about that. Let's test your theory. Why don't you ask you a question? All right. Do you have a pen name that I write to, or what is it?

Penn 15. Okay. Oh, yeah, and you say, Dear Pen 15, and then you sign it with your name and age. Dear Penn 15. Are you part of the club or... Yeah, I'm the member. The chief member. CEO of the Penn 15 Club.

Yeah, CEO. Dear Penn 15, I'm lonely out here on the road. I've been gone from my family for many days, and I don't quite know how to handle it. Signed horny in New York. Age 28. Okay. For the record, I said sign your name.

So your name is horny in New York, apparently. Sure. I'm thinking of legally changing it. Oh, good. Testing it out. Testing it out. To heist a heist. I shorten it to heine.

Yes. I'm shorting it to H-O-R and then N-Y, capitalized. Oh, yeah. I like it. Okay, dear horny in New York. Wow, congrats on getting a job where you're going around the country.

You're really doing something great with your life. And congrats again on having a family that's so wonderful. Someone to miss. It's very important. Now I'll make the font. Very large. Uh-huh. And then,

reference, please. Yes. Then I would say, horny, you gotta listen up. This is huge. Meaning the font? That's what I write.

This is huge. With an arrow to the font? And then a prethesis, meaning the font. Okay. And also what I'm going to say is huge. That'll fill up a little space. Yes.

Calm the fuck down. Why don't you just, go to your room and rent a movie on TV and jerk off to it. Now, is that the same thing I said to you? It was slightly different. Yeah. No less disgusting. I did have to change it.

Can I ask, were you going to change it until he called you on it? No. I thought not. Typically, my advice works for everyone in the office. What happens, Scott? Well, now the holidays are over. The spending hangover is here. Oh, that's so true. I have a spending ice bag on my head.

I don't know about you, but after, all the gifts, the travel, the food. The last thing I want to do is spend more money. I want people to give me money. I don't want to give them money. That would be great. Luckily, Mint Mobile is here to help you save on wireless this January with 50% off unlimited premium wireless. Whoa, Mint Mobile's end of year sale is still going on, but only until the end of the month. Cut out big wireless's bloated plans and unnecessary monthly charges with 50% off three, six, or 12 months of unlimited. Wow. I have saved so much money since I switched over to MintMobil.

And now I call people and I scam them out of money and they pay me money, which is really great. I do that all on my cell phone. Anyway, switching to total no-brainer, the service is still great. The data is just as fast. This January, quit overspending on wireless with 50% off unlimited premium wireless. Plan started $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Limited time offer, upfront payment of $45 for three month, $90 for six month, or $180

for 12 month. Plan required equivalent to $15 a month. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy, capable device required. Availability speed and coverage varies. See minmobile.com. Oh, my God.

Do you ever find yourself scrolling through headlines? especially health headlines and just thinking, that can't be true? Well, I certainly do. 2025 brought us some ridiculous far-fetched health claims and some especially terrifying changes in public health. What's in store for us in 2026? I'm Chelsea Clinton, and we're back with season two of my podcast,

That Can't Be True. Follow along and catch up on season one wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, well, you know what, we have some other people coming out here. Oh, good. Maybe we could see if your advice works on them. I can't wait. Okay. These gentlemen were on the program, actually this very week on the regular show.

They are a band from the Northwest, and they're here in town doing a few shows over the next couple of nights, and they said they would drop by. Please welcome Rogue Wave. You guys not here yet? Oh, no, you are here. Hi, guys. Hi. Yeah, remember this? Shaking hands, as is custom.

Hi. Let's all make sure we all shake hands. Enjoy hell. Hello there. Enjoy it. Shall we sit over here? We shall. There's some stuff.

Here's something. Here's this, definitely. Amplify this. You may speak into that to amplify your voice. Hi there. Hi. This is Zach and Pat of Rogue Wave. Nice to see you guys.

Hey, everybody. What are you? you're here on your tour. Yeah. You're doing some shows. Where are you playing tonight? We're at the Bowery Ballroom tonight. At the Bowery Ballroom tonight.

Yeah. So people can leave from here. Yeah. Get in your cab. Yes. It's an SUV, so that's good. That'll work. Yeah, that'll work.

And are you treating everyone here to go see your show tonight? Is that the big surprise that you have? Yeah. That's fine. As long as you all buy. 12 drinks. You can all be on the list. Your shows are all 12 drink minimum shows? Yeah. It's very

cheap, but, you know, heavy on the head the next morning. And how's the tour been going? Good. We're kind of at the beginning. We did... It's so funny. We did Cleveland and Buffalo and Boston. We did Boston last night. It was great.

And, yeah. One dude. One person. Lapped. What's that? One person. Was it a dude or what? I'm sorry to reduce you down to a dude. Who was it? Yeah. It was a dude. Hey, I'm always really good about hearing clapping and going,

those are strong male hands. One clap, that's all it takes for me. That's all they need in Boston. Can I ask a question of these troubadours? What's your favorite church you visited on the road? We're saving all the churches until the end, so we have a lot to apologize for. Sure, sure.

A lot of bad things will happen, and I don't want to keep doing them. I want to get them all out of the way and then apologize. Good plan, I'm sure that'll trick God. Yes. Well, to be fair, I'm a Jew, so it's a different arrangement anyway. Do you have time for this? To reply to that?

I think we're going to take the rest of the night. What are you guys fucking mumbling about? Sorry. We're very tired. Are you really? It's been a long tour for you, huh? How long you've been out there? It sounds like you did three days.

Yeah. But we haven't slept yet. We haven't slept yet. We had to fly from the Bay Area to get out here. Oh, okay. Yeah, that takes a lot out of someone. Took like six hours. And your new record is called Delusions of Grand Fur,

which Wikipedia tells us is a play on the phrase, Delusions of Grandeur? We settled that. Yeah. You have a nice accent on that. A nice accent on what now? Grandeur. Grandeur.

Yes. Yes, I say it as the French would say. You sound educated. Thank you very much. Well, I wish you would address me as high school graduate, Scott. Guys, tell you what, why don't, uh, uh, we'll get the awkwardness out of the way. Why don't you guys play a song right now? What an introduction.

Well, you guys are sitting here with your instruments like you're about to play or, you know, why don't we do that first? Just. I said to bring one. Oh, instrument, yes. Okay, you can talk into that over there. Yeah, test it out. Does that work?

This is awkward. Getting it out of the way. All right. We've soundchecked this thoroughly. Hold on a second. And do you need backing vocals from us? Yeah. Just from Paul.

Who? Hey, you want to hear a song? I'll tell you all my thoughts. You caught me feeling naked. Give you all my trust. You proceed to break it. illuminated by my digital replacement You get so involved

But what is left to solve You're just my down far What is left to solve Mirror, mirror can you feel structural weakness Running circles round me faster than the preakness there are no Christmas thoughts or index

cards the window's facing in you get so involved but what is left to solve you'll just mud down far what he's left to solve what he's left to solve

is if your hands the guy what is love to so if everything's my fall what is left to solve you get so involved what is left to so you just mount down

what is left to so what is love to song what is left to so what is left to what is left to soul What he's left What is left to soul What he's left

What is left to solve What is left What he's left to soul What is love What is love to soul Beautiful We could Probably move this over here

That was beautiful guys Is that off the new record? Yeah Do you want to put your guitar down? Do you want someone to come come grab it? What if that dude... Oh, here we go.

It's still plugged it. Yeah, we'll have to take the plug out. Sure, there we go. Sorry, the guitar. I realized when I started playing the guitar was out of tune. Thanks for bearing with me. I couldn't tell.

You can tell something like that. Yeah. You didn't notice? You didn't notice? I did not notice. Oh, great. I thought the vocals were maybe... It's a suspect, yeah.

He sang them perfectly at a tune to be in tune with the guitar. The guitar is supposed to cover up for the vocal and adequacy. Right, right. Now, you guys are one of my friend Lauren's, one of her favorite bands, so it's a thrill to be... Where's she? She couldn't come tonight for some reason.

That's too bad. Did your nephew come? My nephew is not here. But this is Natalie over here. Hi, I'm a new fan. Oh, good, good. Yeah, that was great. Natalie runs an advice column.

I don't know if you were able to hear. I heard bits and pieces. It sounded like maybe we could get some help. Oh, my God. Do you have a problem? Yeah, some issues. You guys have a problem in your band? Yeah.

Something wrong? A song couldn't fix it. Not yet. So what Natalie needs is for you to audibly read aloud an imaginary letter that is addressed to her, Penn 15. My name is Penn 15. So just say, dear Penn 15, then tell me your problem, and then sign it with your name and your age. And then she will answer it back and help you. with your problem.

In typing. What do you specialize in? Just everything. Generic knowledge. Generic knowledge. We've been searching for generic knowledge for a long time. Yeah, it's really generic. So I'm just to read the letter aloud, and then my name and age.

Yes, please. Yes. Okay. Penn 15? Yeah, it's my name. 1015. Have you ever heard of that club? It's very exclusive.

Yeah. I'm so glad I'm here to fix this problem we've been having. Oh, I'm serious. on the spot, yeah. Now, may I ask, is it one collective problem that you're both having and that one of you is going to be the spokesman? Yeah, is it a problem with the band, perhaps?

Yeah. Well, then I think that they should do the question at the same time. Yeah. Yes, let's add a degree of difficulty to this. At the end, they should give their combined age. Yeah. That sounds fair.

Speak simultaneously and do math. Exactly. Wow. Can you repeat the questions? Yeah, we're telling them what the big problem is that we've been having. With our band? Our collective problem, since we share the same brain, and our collective name and our collective age.

No, combined age. Combined age. Our combined age. Easy. Wait a minute. Have you guys never talked about your ages with each other? What kind of a band doesn't already combine their ages? This is a very superficial.

relationship. Yeah. I don't like to reveal my age too often. You're 15. I just said I didn't want you to reveal my age. Did you say 15?

Wow. You look horrible. Jeez. What a precocious child. Well, I look horrible yet I'm not old enough to get into where we play. So it's a bad...

What a tough life. It's a very tough life. Is this the question? No. All right. So now I know that you guys had some issues in the past. We talked about them on the show this week, about the, yeah, about the name of the new record. Maybe that could be something that you are looking for advice about.

Yeah. Should we give it to them straight? Yeah. This time for straight. Do you want to start the letter off? Dear Pen 15. Dear Pen 15. Deer pen 15.

I really hate the name of the new rule. grave record. I can't figure out how to tell Zach that I'm not into it. Please help. And then your name in combined age. My name? Combined name. Yeah, sure. But my name is. Pazac. Pazac 40. Yeah, that's good. Thank you for the help. 40. Forty. Collectedly 40. Combined you're 40. So you're 25 years old. Okay. Wow. That's right. Can I say you look even shittier? And you're older.

I feel shittier, too. Oh, man. Just now. Hard life. All right, Natalie, what do you got for? All right, well, dear, what was your name? What was the combined? It was Pazak.

Pazak. Pazac. Dear Pazac. First of all, congrats on having a successful band. And congrats on having an album that you could name. That's a huge accomplishment in and of itself. Secondly, and then the font gets really big. I'm going to go really, like, really big.

Oh, I know. Okay. And so it's a huge font now. That's what I'm typing to you. Notice how big it is. And the last thing I want to say to you is literally stop giving a fucking celebrate. Which is weird because that's what I said.

Oh, wow. Problem solved. You should write an advice column. It's that fucking easy. Have you ever thought about doing an advice column in addition to putting out records? No, but there is a lot of downtime. Is there a lot of downtime in a band?

I mean, you work about 40 minutes putting out that record. Yeah, it takes you two minutes to write a song, two minutes to play it. So what are you doing the rest of your damn time? Well, it's just getting from place to place. You guys walk to all your gigs? Yes, so it takes a long time and it's very strenuous carrying all of that stuff. Wow. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Pat, you have such a hard go of it. carrying that heavy keyboard. Which, which I'm guessing that's how the one-man band thing originated. A guy was just tired of carrying it. He just played while he's carrying it.

Oh, I see. So a guy got tired of carrying his instruments, so he decided to wear them. Yes. That makes a lot of sense. That's how that was created. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I wish I invented it. Really? Because it has a lot of use. I don't think the person who invented one-man band contraptions is getting money off of it. No. I think that's just,

I think it's a marketing thing. It's poor marketing. Well, he's saving a lot on musicians, so don't have to pay a drummer. Is that a bonus contention between you guys, like paying each other? Do you guys write each other checks, or how does the band work? Exactly. It's pointless. It's like, good gig, Pat, here you go, here's your check, and then good gig, Zach, here's your check.

And we just shake hands simultaneously. Yeah. It's hard to do it at different times. Hand the check. The shaking hands part. Do you want to trade seats? Having a bad day. Do you have to pool your tips?

Yep. By the way, it's very weird that no one's thrown tips up here on the stage for you guys playing. I know what we're wearing the hats. Usually they could put it in. Oh, really? Is that why musicians wear hats is so they can put them upside down in front of themselves?

They do. That's the reason. Scott, I have a question. I was wondering if you could try to give me some advice on, actually. Oh, sure. Great, all right. Since I always had to give advice to everyone else, there's problems in my life that I actually haven't solved. Physician heal thyself, certainly.

All right, here we go. Do you have a pen name you'd like me to write to? I'm Penn 28. Oh, okay. That's my age. Okay. Dear Penn 28, I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. I sleep on a hard rock mattress.

That's very firm. I can't get a good night of tossing and turning. It was delivered in such a big box. I couldn't get it in my apartment. How the fuck do I fix this? Signed, sleepless in Seattle, 99. Do you live in Seattle, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for the sake of the story.

Where do you actually live? New Jersey. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, there's a million ways to fix this problem, but there's one that's tantam out upon my mind, and I thank you for your diligence. And this matter is I may have forgotten about it, but we have a sponsor who's sponsoring the entire tour,

Lisa mattresses, of course. We thank them. Oh, I see. How helpful. I could go on and on about that awkward mattress showroom experience, but I'm... Oh, I know all about it. Every morning I get up and go and lay on different mattresses. Every morning.

Yes, testing, testing, testing. Then why do you sleep on one that feels like rocks? I haven't found a good one to be delivered in a small box to my home. Oh. How small of the box do you need? Honestly, to fit through my door, it has to be the size of... of a mini fridge. Wait, hold on to see.

Is your door the size of a mini fridge? It is. I crawl in and out. Wait, is, are you saying it's a box the size of a box that would contain a mini fridge or the box itself is the size of a miniature refrigerator? An important distinction because there would be another layer. Exactly.

Because there's a mini fridge, then the box that encases a mini fridge would of course be larger than a mini fridge. It would have to be. It would be impossible to fit inside where it to be the same size. That's correct. What I need is for the box to be the size. of a box that holds a mini fridge and I need the mattresses to be rolled up to the size

of a mini fridge. Is that doable? I think it is, yes. Wow! You gave great advice. Do you guys want to give some advice to us? I mean, we're all giving advice up here. Well, first, I think you should move to a different house.

Oh, really? You think the house is the problem? I think it's too big. Really? You think a smaller door to get in? I just don't know why I need. all these extravagances. Yeah, I think you're kind of right. You know, I was doing the life-changing out of tidying, and I got

rid of my big door because it didn't spark joy. I made it a smaller door, and I think I need a smaller door than that. I think you're totally right. Is that the one thing that you changed? Yeah. Did you, so you didn't reduce the size of the doorway, just the door itself?

Yeah, yeah. So you have a little tiny door and a great big doorway. So a lot of open space there? Weather's coming in, intruders. Weather intruders? Yeah. It's like a swinging little gate.

Yeah, it's horrible. It's like half of a Dutch door. Yes, and I still crawl in. How many intruders have gone into your house? Eight. Eight. And they all wanted different things. I imagine one would be that ghost.

Yes. A welcome intruder. Why did you look at me when you said that? I sort of view you as a welcome intruder upon this show. She gave me a look like you know what I'm saying. You do. I feel like you do. Tell me you don't.

You're misreading this room, young lady. Oh, wow, sorry. Oof. So tell me about the other seven. One was a baker. One was a candlestick maker. Any butchers in there? Yes, exactly.

Bakers. One guy lived in a bathtub. I feel like that was part of that. Are you thinking of three men? Exactly. The other three lived in a tub together. Is that eight? I don't know.

Little boy with a plum on his thumb Yeah Yeah Mm-hmm The car herbie Going bananas Reverend I think that you should give some advice Because I mean

Oh I thought you never asked You do seem to be the wisest person Of the son of the same You're certainly the oldest Well I'd certainly like to think That my advanced age Comparatively has given me wisdom In the worldly affairs

So let me tell you Shall I go down the line? Stop sinning. You're going to hell. Stop sitting? Stop sinning, yes. Oh, okay, thank you. You're having these multiple marriages. It's not good in the eyes of God. It doesn't care for it. All right.

So you agree to these terms? I already thought I was going to hell. I've done a lot of horrible shit. But you sound like you look forward to it. Yeah, I do look forward to it. It's going to be amazing down there. What do you think hell is going to be like? Hell's going to be like the most amazing fucking birthday party where everyone's high and there's a big award to the entire time. Why would it be like that? Because everyone's sinners down there.

But they're not in charge of hell, don't you see? It's the devil and demons and so forth. I did not know that. You didn't know that? No. You just thought it was a place where bad people went and they were left to their own devices. How do I turn it around?

Well, it's never too late, except, of course, it is. You're going to hell. You got a smart mouth, you're very irreverent. I would say If I were you, I'd go bananas. You too. Maybe if you

be bound to determine to play this music, acoustic guitar, that's not so bad. It doesn't involve electricity, most ways. Wait, electricity is this in? It's not great. It's not great. But I would say,

try to make more references to sheaves in your songs. Just see if you can work sheaves in there. Sheaves. Yeah, like bringing in the sheaves, great him. What's a sheave? I don't know. That's for God to know.

That's God's secret? He wants us to bring him in. Maybe it's like old Jeeves. Like the Bible version of Asked Shives. Bring him in. We got a question. Wait, sheaves are old ask Jeeves? I thought he said sheaves was a person. No.

I missed something. You missed a lot of things. Wow. All right. Boy, these days I would say that... Bringing in the sheaves is a hymn. These days I would say that... When I said the word of him, did you think it was a pronoun?

What? Why did you lunge at me, son? It's kind of hard to hear each other up here. It is kind of hard to hear each other. It is a little bit. Are you guys having trouble hearing you? What's that? Nothing.

Let's tell you what. Why do we all talk at the same time? We'll get out whatever we want to say. Absolutely. Sounds that sound. Okay. Whatever you guys want to say, ready, on the count of three, two, one. Or tell you what, we'll do five, four, three, knows one.

Here we go. Ready? Here we go. Five, four, three, nose one. I think these days that it would be more like Askedews would be more like Ask She's. He doesn't care for you. You are definitely going to hell. Oops, you're already there in New York City.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Great. Some good stuff. I didn't know. Good stuff. I swear I heard a guitar during that. You what?

I heard music during that. Really? I really did. Does that happen to you a lot? Uh-huh. What music do you hear? I heard someone like fiddling a guitar. Fiddling?

A guitar. Is it the devil? Maybe. That's one of his cheat codes. Technically, the guitar is a get fiddle. It's right. It's right. Too many sheaves.

I think that's what happened. Do you guys know the old story of the devil went down to Georgia? Has that ever happened to you as a band? Looking for his soul to steal. We've been to the crossroads. He was running behind, as you know. Yes.

He was running behind by a couple. So he came down to get ours. Right. Have you guys sold your soul to the devil being a band? Yes. Well, we did go to the crossroads, and we decided, we talked about it. We decided not to sell our souls. Not to sell your souls.

Very good. Yeah. Do you think you would be better musicians if you had? Yes. Yes. I saw Steve I in the crossroads. Steve, I was there. I saw him in the movie Crossroads.

Really? The documentary. Isn't that who Ralph Machio battles? Does he? It is. I mean, I confess I haven't seen this film. Isn't Crossroads the Britney Spears movie? That's the story of how she became so famous.

Let me ask you a question of these musicians here. So Robert Johnson, he goes to the crossroads and he sells his soul to the devil so he can be a great guitar player. Is that correct? Yeah. Okay. Okay, then, so what do you think he would do if he saw like Eddie Van Halen? Would he be just thinking, oh, I really got jipped on that deal? He's doing crazy stuff.

I'm just playing these same three quotes over and over again. Like he puts some classical music in that one solo. I really should have waited. I think he'd be more dismayed to hear about the hell thing before that there's, he can't really decide. Well, now he sold his soul to the devil. Yeah. What did he think was going to have? A big party once he dies, you know.

But now, here's what I want to know. Is it that devil just didn't know about musical advances? Like, that was, at the time, Robert Johnson was like the Eddie Van Halen of his day. And other guitar players were like, I, how does he do it? And then they just didn't exist. So did Eddie Van Halen sell his soul to the devil? Maybe Robert Johnson started doing all the first. finger tapping and stuff like that.

And the whole crowd just sort of at the under the sea dance stopped. And he just kind of said, you're not ready for this, but your kids are going to love it. Actually, the truth is that Robert Johnson died the day Eddie Van Halen was born. What? That's not true. No. No, it's not.

It's not true. It's definitely not true. That's a very unknown fact. but a part of you believed me what dead musician do you think resides in you? Or an alive one and we'll go around the room

I know that no living musicians reside in me right now but dead ones I know John Bonham resides in you he tries to and Keith Moon they both reside in it really drummers yeah how interesting

I play drums yeah you play drums and you feel that they Drums, of course, is a catchphrase of someone who's on the show a lot. And we all have to point out catchphrases when they come off in conversation. We simply must. It's only polite. Let me just give you a sample of my...

What if musicians said the word drums and people didn't yell out drums? I'm just going to give you a sample of my drumming. For people just listening, Hal FM subscribers, Pat is wailing on a drum kid right now. Pointing a microphone, it looks like a box. of after eight mints. It's my HR Puff and Stuff flute. You know what I would like to hear, Pat? I don't know if you could play something on that,

but I would love to hear a hymn sung by Reverend Parsimony here. Oh, sure. Certainly. Or maybe if you wanted your guitar back or something, I don't know. I don't know if it's here or not, but maybe... I don't want to, you know...

They sold it to the devil. They sold the guitar? What? It is gone. It really is gone. Can you just play something on this? Would that... Oh, here it comes.

actually. Here we go. Just a backing track for a hymn. Just a backing track for a hymn. Yes, Reverend Persemini. Reverend, do you have a subject that you're thinking of for your hymn?

Oh, what could my subject be? Salvation versus damnation. You're going to throw sheaves in there? I'll throw a sheave or two in. What about ask Jeeves? I don't want to spoil the surprise. Looks to be in G. Looks like the key of the chord of G.

Mm-hmm. Does that mean anything to you? God. The key of G. There's no S key. That's good. Satan. That's good.

There is a C for Christ. It's too sensual. Chorus, how about a chorus? Sal is nigh. Self. And for I. Is that a sin? It's not a sin.

Natalie, join in in a big font. Not finished? No, I'm not. to know your I thought it was the result of being up at my email.com email.com? I think more songs should end with now I am done.

Salvation. Salvation. Salvation. God. Salvation. Salvation. Try to fit the devil's advocate in there. Salvation for kids. It's that person's favorite film.

Salvation. Dogs for cats. Salvation for other devil's ad foe cats. Broadwave. Yes. Rogue wave. Got a comedy. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads?

Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David DeCovny, the Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe. Make Life Suck Less, with fewer ads, with Lemonada Premium.