Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Oakland 2016

Episode Date: July 16, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from Oakland, May 23rd 2016 - featuring Scott Aukerman, Lauren Lapkus as Scott��s nephew Todd, Paul F. Tompkins as Len Wiseman and Tim Baltz as Skipp Dribbles. Get see Comedy Bang Bang live at cbbworld.com/tour Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lemonada. The Hulu original series Furious is coming to Disney Plus, starring Emmy Rossum. Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer. Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine, the line between right and wrong begins to blur. Don't miss the three-episode premiere of the Hulu original series Furious on July 26. Only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Whether life serves you an ace or an unexpected backhand,

the high-protein yogurt, Oikos Pro, is there to feed your strength and help you turn every challenge into a smash. Oikos Pro helps build strong muscles and support muscle recovery with high protein and contains no added sugar because true strength isn't about being able to take the hits. It's about being able to bounce back. Oikos Pro Feed your strength. Visit oikos.ca for more details. Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to another episode of Threatom. Now, Paul and Lauren are not here. And you may be wondering why. Well, we are on hiatus until September. But before then, we decided we would entertain you, perhaps, by releasing some episodes, live episodes, in fact, of Comedy Bang Bang from 2016. Now, 2016 was the tour that Lauren and.

Paul and myself did together. We spent a dizzying few months out on the road together going crazy, and you will hear that tonight. Or today, at whatever time you're listening to it could be at the strike of midnight. Ooh, that would be chilling. So if you don't know what Comedy Bang Bang is, you haven't listened to it. It's a different podcast. It's one that I host where it's a talk show and I'm the host of the talk show and I have comedians on playing characters.

And Paul and Lauren are playing characters on this. So who do we have on this? This was the part of the tour where, well, let me just tell you who Paul and Lauren are playing. Lauren is playing my nephew Todd, a character that she's done several times on the show. Paul F. Tompkins is doing Len Wiseman. And then this is the part of the show where we were all very tired. It was towards the end of the tour. This is the part of the tour where we brought on Tim Baltz,

Tim Baltz, who you may know from The Righteous Gemstones. He is playing Skip Dribbles. Okay, so this, I believe, is his first show with us. And this is May 23rd, 2016 in Oakland, Oakland, California at the Fox Theater. That's all the information you need to know. I think you're just going to enjoy it. All right, well, thanks for listening. here is comedy bang bang bang and three to

wow Oakland how we doing Is that a thing back man Come a chip back man Oh Come a chip back man Is that a thing? Ooh

The towels are back For our little butts Oh, thank you We made fun of them early on in the tour But they feel so good Oh wait, I have to do this, hold on Yep Welcome to Antiques Roadshow

And ma'am, right off the bat, I can tell you those are some really old tits. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to Shampoodler. Shampoodler. He spends his whole day doing this. Is Shampoodler here? You're not Shampoodler, man. The perfect crime.

I'm gonna get this motherfucker thinking I'm Shampoedler. Not falling for it. Not in Oakland. Balcony recap. cap. Two sections of one balcony. How are we doing up there? Yeah. Looking good. Oh, Jesus. That's our show. Good night. No, no, we're going to keep going. Did you buy an extra ticket for your purse, sir? And your drink? Are you guys sharing the seat for your possessions? Seems like a waste of money. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We have a great show for you tonight.

We're really excited to be here. We are so pleased to be back in the PST. Paul S. Tompkins. PFT and the PST. It feels good to be in your own time zone, doesn't it? Sounds like it's a start of a stand-up bit. It is not. What would that bid be?

Feels good to be in your own time zone, doesn't it? I mean, it's like occasionally you're in Eastern Time. It's like, whoa, where did my third be? three hours ago. I am interested. Australia, I was looking at it. It's like a half hour later. It's like, you know, 15 and a half hour. How can you be a half hour off? Well, that's the end of that comedy bit. Ooh, scratch that off the list. This is a beautiful theater. The Fox Theater. This is gorgeous. Gorgeous. Probably the nicest theater we've been in. Who are these dudes? It look like they're holding their testicles.

What are they doing? I'm always like vaguely uneasy around old architecture. Like it's racist somehow? I can't tell. We're traveling around the country. We're having a great time with this group of people. We've run out of things to say to each other. Now in the car.

We used to just like, oh, like we've taken these eight-hour car trips from city to city where we would sing a lot of songs. Now, weirdly enough, now we're just. listening to the Fun Home soundtrack. I don't know if you guys know what Fun Home is, but that's all we're listening to. And I found out that I do a really good impression of Michael's surveys.

Ryan, Engineer Cody Ryan is saying, oh my God. Okay, you guys don't know. Was that you or was that the person behind you? Oh, geez. Sorry, ma'am. Okay, if you don't know, Michael Surveis is. He's the lead in Fun Home. The end.

My best impression, I'm going to do it for you. Hey, kiddo. There was a boy. Norris Jones. All right, that's it. That's pretty much it. Look it up. That's the best impression you will hear in your life. Norris Jones. And that's really all we're doing here tonight. You may be wondering exactly what you got yourself into. With a crowd this large, this is probably the largest crowd we played in front of, by the way. Yeah, thank you so much for being here.

There have got to be some people who have no idea what's going on here tonight. Is that safe to say? Let me try to break it down. This is a live recording of a podcast? God, that's not even making sense to me! Scott, I'm the host, and thank you, and I'm going to be talking to some interesting people that come along on the road with me, and, you know, we're just going to talk to them and figure out everything about them, and that's kind of it. Seems stupid, doesn't it? But we're going to do it. Are you guys ready to get this show going? What do you say? We, uh, I'm going to sit upon this towel. That's nice. We've been traveling, I believe this is our third week. We are doing 28 shows in 21 days or so,

and this is our third week, and I've left a lot of stuff unattended at home. But one thing I did not leave at home is my responsibilities to my family. Please welcome my nephew, Todd. Hi, Todd. Hello to the nice people out here. Hi, guys.

Did you give me this towel for my anal seepage? I noticed you were swinging your lip, dick around. What? Come on. Never been hard. You said. I never said that. I've never said that in my life. No. It's easy. I felt sex before. No, you haven't. I felt sex before. No, you haven't. In your sleep, you cried out, what's it? No, I was talking about sex. Because you said sex, colon, what's it feel? No, I did not say colon sex. You said sex colon. Same thing. Todd is my sister's boy,

and my sister left you with me. She's never coming back, is she? I don't think so, Todd. She's left you under my care for years now, it seems like. It sucks, and it's not even care. You don't even care about me. She left me under my disinterest. Yeah.

For the first six months, I had to sleep under the sink. It was my legs under the sink and my head out. It's given you some strong. strange contours in your body, by the way. I know. I look like an entero bang. It's a question mark an exclamation point. Oh, really? Yeah. You learn something every day, don't you, uncle?

Can I call you daddy? No. Why do you want to call me daddy? Because I never... I know. Well, he left my sister so early. Yeah, the second you saw my ugly face. Who told you that? Who said that? I just know it. Every time I look in the mirror, I know it.

You, I mean, as far as I can recall, I haven't seen him in so long. Because how old are you again? Middle school? How many times do I got to tell you that? You look a lot like him. Oh, geez, thanks. I probably look like his mugshot, don't I? Was he a criminal?

Tell me anything about him. He used to be a tour guide at Universal Studios. Whoa, lucky. So he got to go on all the rides? No, he only got to go on the trip. tram. He drove the tram. But he got to see E.T. in a basket? He got to see E.T.

out of the basket as well. What? Yeah. They hung out? Yeah. What do they talk about? E.T. No homo all the time. Wait, was my dad gay hitting on E.T? It all makes sense. No, in what way does it make sense?

Because he used to walk around with that little finger puppet of E.T. on his finger. And he'd go, Mmm. And lick his finger. Yeah. Alien juice. AJ? Yeah.

No, he used to work at Universal Studios until he drove the tram right into the Back to the Future car. Do they go back in time? Yeah, he went back in time, and that's why he hasn't been around, I think. I think he's trapped back in time. We got to go back in time.

Why did you say it like that? I don't know. Let's go there. Let's find him. What year is it? I think the, the, what do you call it where you said it back in time? Not the odometer. I know there's, please don't yell it out.

Let me get it. Fuel. It's like a fake word? Or it's real? Rocket, quantum. Quantum leap? Whatever it was. I think it was set back for like a hundred years earlier.

So that's why he hasn't been around. That's a true story, Todd. It is? He loves you. He just got sent back in time. A hundred years ago. What year is it now? 2016.

How do you not know what year it is? Because I don't get to go to school and write the date on the paper. That's the only way that you can know. I think homeschooling is a better option for you. No homo schooling. E.T. No, I hate it.

You don't even teach me anything because you don't know anything about history. Well, test me on things. Okay. Who wants to? World War II. Uh-oh. Hitler?

I don't know, because no one ever taught me. Yeah. I can't even correct you. Well, what's the earliest thing you remember? Um, being born. You remember being born? Mm-hmm. I came out and the doctor spanked me and I said,

no! And then I saw you go, I'm going to do that. It looked really good to me. Yeah. It looks good to you. Who says that? It feels like a quote that we're saying of a friend of ours

or something. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Do you remember the day I was born? I do. When my mom pushed me out of her puss? Do you remember? I don't think she really had to push.

You were, like, fighting to get out. Thanks. You're scrappy. I'm scrappy, I know. You wanted to get out of there. Yeah, well, I didn't like it in there. Yeah. It was too warm, too safe.

Now I regret pushing myself out because I have to sleep on your cold bathroom floor every night. I miss my mother's womb. If you could, would you crawl back in there? I've tried. That may be why she left you with me. Huh? We're figuring it out.

We figured it out. The pajama game. What? Never mind. Can I get pajamas someday? No. Pajamas are for grown-ups. But I hate wearing your old underwear.

We have to save money somehow. That doesn't save money. God, you're so weird. I'm sorry about the skid marks and the holes in the bud. Yeah, stop farting so hard. You explode holes in your underwear. You freak. What are you eating?

Beans. They make you fart. That sounded like such a great setup. What are you eating? And then, beans. Come on, you ever heard the quote? No, what quote? Beans, beans.

They're good for your heart. The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel. So let's eat beans at every meal. Please give me beans in my butt. I want them now. Don't say what. Just put them in there, make it now.

I want it to happen. I won't say, ow. Was that Benjamin Franklin? Who said that? Yeah. I read it in your quote book that you write by hand. You write down quotes you admire. You're so weird.

Yeah, I love quotes. I mean, I just love them. You love to quote people and get them. inspired. Yeah, Gertrude Stein. There is no there there. Yeah. Right? The people of Oakland know that. Yeah. Or maybe not. Then you wrote... And you wrote, I want it now. I want it now. I want it now. Give it to me. The front page of your quote book says, I want it now. Give it to me, colon, sex now. colon, what is it? Sex, colon, two colons.

You were doing like an analogy, like sex is to me as coming is to now. And then you put dash Uncle Scott because you knew I would read it. You're a bad little boy. I know you're going to get into my personal effect. I love reading your stuff. Yeah.

What else did you read? All your scripts. What did you think? Really good. A lot of typos. Like what? Like you spelled every word wrong. Maybe they weren't the words that you wanted to see.

Yeah, every word was a different word than what I wanted. Other than that, it was great. What kind of movie did you want to read? I want to read a buddy comedy about two middle schoolers who are best friends, and they love each other. Do you have a friend, by the way? No. You're my best friend.

Isn't that pathetic? Who taught you that word? Your calendar? My inspirational calendar? I'm sorry, Todd. I know I need to let you out of the house more, but I worry about you. Why? What do you think I'm going to get into? Well, the last time that you went out of the house, you went to that wishing machine. So? So I had the best day of my life, and it might as well have been two years. I don't even know how long it was.

I got big. You had sex with Elizabeth Perkins. She loves it! How many of these big kids do you think she's fucked in her day? I don't know. You know when they say someone's young at heart? Yeah. They're a big kid.

Really? Yeah. So when Frank Sinatra was saying that? Yeah, he was singing about some girl he met who was actually a child who was pretending to be a woman because she made a wish on a machine. It goes that far back, huh? Mm-hmm. Those machines have been on forever. This goes all the way to the top.

Yeah. The top of the chain. Frank Sinatra. You're really good at piecing out clues. I know, it almost sounded like I was gonna solve a mystery. But I could never do that. You could never do that. I have a friend though that you should meet at some point.

Maybe I will. I wish I couldn't meet a friend. Ugh, I'm such a loser. I'm such a drip. What would you do if we could go out on one, like? Whoa, whoa, what would you do? This is why I don't take you out, young man. You suttered! So?

The polite thing is to sit there patiently while the person stops. All right, try again. Well, what would you do? I can't take it. It's so humiliating to watch you. Humiliating for you or for me? I'm so embarrassed for my uncle. Oh, come on.

Just kidding. I love you. Aw. Well, it... Geez, now I can't stop doing it. You're so nervous. Not nervous. Yeah, you told me before the show started,

I'm so nervous. and you made a ghost sound and then you flew around the room. The little tail was shaking. Your ghost tail, you know, the point. Is that what the ghosts call that? Yeah, their tail. Their tail? They call it their tail, you know, the point.

If we could do one thing together, like an outing. I don't want to say like a date, but, you know. Of course you wouldn't say a date, freak. I mean an outing, an excursion, an excursion. I know. What would you do? Camping. Camping.

Why camping? That's so interesting, because I'm not outdoorsy myself. Do you ever been camping? I have been camping once or twice, yeah. Cool. I want to go because I saw it in a movie. Which movie? The one with Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Chevy Chase.

Funny Farm? No. Guess again. Father, no, wait. Man of the house. Father of the home. Sounds like the Japanese title or something. Yeah, you gave me the Japanese version.

I watched Father of the Home. And wait, did you translate it yourself into English? Mm-hmm, just by watching their mouths. That's not translating. That's lip reading. Well, I did it. Proud of me? Do I get a sticker?

I guess I can give you a sticker. I don't know. You haven't gotten a sticker this whole year. I know. My whole, my board is. really sad. I'm supposed to get 50 gold stars and then I get a treat. I know, but you haven't gotten one.

Because you're so stingy, you old miser. God, what's wrong with you? What are you doing with those stickers? Stickers are for good little boys. Well, I want some. I haven't been bad. You just always ground me even though I'm good. Well, I have to preemptively punish you, Todd, because I know you're going to be bad.

No, I'm not. What's the worst bad thing I ever did? The worst bad thing that you ever did? Well, I mean, aside from reading all my personal journals. Whatever. You leave them out with a note on it saying, Please don't read. I don't write it sarcastically.

Yeah? That's why I read it. It was like a sarcastic note. I was like, I get it. I'll read it. I don't know. When you were a baby, you used to love to crawl every... You know, we would turn our backs and you would crawl out of the house

and you would be like, you know, like you were trying to escape or something. Yeah, I was trying to do that movie. Baby's Day Island. out. I never got to. Why is that bad anyway? I was a little baby. What did I know? You're supposed to teach me. Anything a little kid

does wrong is the fault of the parent. Until what age, though? Oh, no, forever? Yeah. I don't know. I want you to grow up. I really do, Todd. So do I. I want to be big so I can go out and have my own condo. Oh, condom, sorry.

Typo. Mouth typo. Not typo. Yeah, I want my own condom. Why do you want... Why do you want a condom? I want a jizz and a condom. And then I want to make art project with it.

Have you... Can I ask you something, Todd? Yeah, I guess. Have you... Are you old enough to have done that? I can only do ghost jiz. What does that mean? It's when a puff of air comes out.

and you cry. So it's the ghost of jizz to come? It's ghost sperms. They're like, ooh, we're never going... And they live in my sheets. Is that why ghosts have sheets over themselves? Yes. Duh.

Wow, we're making exciting discoveries. Ghosts with sheet, when you see a ghost with a sheet on it, it's because someone came in their sheets so much, and all the ghosts became one big ghost together and hardened and made a thing. You're welcome. So tonight, when you're jizzing in those sheets. Yeah, when all you freaks go home and jerking your sheets.

Just know you're making your own house haunted. Yeah. Don't get scared. Those are your friends. Your future children. Wait, ghosts are future children? Yeah. It works out, doesn't it? If ghosts, if ghosts sperm, is a ghost.

Sperm is a future kid if it meets an egg. Right? That's how you taught me about sex. You said, Jizz meets an egg and it makes a baby. But then I, you know, I went into the refrigerator and you would poke

holes in all the eggs with your giant big dong. Thanks for noticing. You've told me about it. And it's impossible to escape. I know. It's like,

living with another person in this in our condo. I know you're jealous. Our condo. Don't be jealous. I'm not, well, I am a little jealous. I mean, you know, I grew big myself, but I don't have what you have. Yeah, your dick stayed middle school. Opposites.

Sorry. Didn't mean to expose you like that uncle. Can I call you dad, please? If you let me call you dad, I won't say anything bad about you ever again. I don't think that's true. Do you want to try it on for size, though? Yeah, I do. All right, maybe we should act this out, though, somehow. Okay. So, I'm going to be washing the dishes in the sink. Daddy, behind you.

Yeah, there. Follow your finger. Hi. How are you today, sir? What did you just call me, you little brat? Sir or Daddy? Daddy. Oh, I just wanted to spank you. You made... You're a freak.

I didn't like it. Yeah, right. No, the spanking I liked. Okay. I didn't even do anything bad to you. I was just saying a nice thing. I was saying, Daddy, hello, sir. I was being nice, and I still got a spanking.

Like, I was calling you uncle. There's no rules in your world. Yes, I spank you when you call me uncle. I know, but I was calling you dad. I was trying to try something new, so I can tell you I'm a good boy. I hope you're a good boy. I can't watch you 24 hours. of the day.

I know you can't. I'd like to. I know you have your nanny cam and you look at it on the app on your phone. When you're out with your friends at your job, I don't believe you ever go to work. You know why?

Why? Because every day I watch you go into the garage, close the door, and get in the car, and not go anywhere. How do you know that you watch me go in the garage?

Yeah, and I poked a hole in the door. With your big dog? And I watch you through it and I see you just sit in your car. and just let tears fall down your face. And then sometimes you laugh really hard. Look, Todd, don't tell anyone. I already did.

Who'd you tell? Child Protective Services. No. Todd, they're going to take you away from me. That's what I want. No, you don't want that. You want to be with a stranger instead of family? You treat me like a stranger.

You hate me. I don't treat you like the stranger. At least. The stranger. You know. I know. I wanted you to explain it. Tell everyone what the stranger is.

They know what the stranger is, don't you folks? Who? From personal experience. Please, I know you must be kidding. I don't know. Don't call child protective services. I didn't call them yet, but I have them on SpeedDile on my cricket phone. Is SpeedDile still a thing?

Yeah, well, I only have three buttons on my phone because you gave me 911, your house, and my own whatever I wanted to put in on the third button. And you put in child protective services? I knew I shouldn't have given you a dealer's choice. I wish my phone could get texts, and I wish I could play computer someday. I'm so jealous. You want to play computer? Yeah.

You never let me play computer. All I want to do is go online and play a game. What game do you? We can play games together. We can play find that stick. I hate that game. There's never been a stick. I know it.

You'll find it eventually. No, I know there's no stick. And whenever I point out the window and say there, you're like, you're not allowed to go out there. You can't just point at trees. Trees are like adult sticks. Mature sticks. Milt sticks. Sticks I'd like to F.

It's been really cool, though, I have to say, being on this tour with you, because I've gotten to go see a lot of outsides. Yeah. Well, we have to go outside to go to the cars or to the planes. Yeah, but I am sick of riding in your suitcase. Also, I apologize for the hood that I put over your head once we leave the room. Yeah, you put a hood over my head, and then you put me in your suitcase with a head hole in it,

but then I still have the hood on. Yep. And sometimes I think your head is the handle. Yeah, you just grab my mouth to pull. It hurts real bad. My braces scrape my mouth. We got to take those off at some point. I know I've had them on for a million years.

My teeth are straighter than humanly possible now. Let me see those things. Wow. Yeah, those are the strangest things I've ever seen. You can actually use it as a ruler. I have. Have you? Mm-hmm. Wait a minute. What are you measuring? No, I'm not measuring anything. I'm trying to draw straight lines on papers to make blueprints of my dream home.

Tell me about your dream home. That's so interesting to me. It's a big slide. And the top is a bank with a million dollars. And the bottom's McDonald's. Where do you sleep? I go back and forth My parents live in the bank And the McDonald's

They're separated Oh Even my dreams Are still reality I'm sorry Todd It's okay I'm able to accept it Because I'm very grown up now

Are you well I see no evidence of that In any of our conversations I'm trying to convince you No I don't think so Todd I'm sorry that That you know Your life is such a disappointment

It's okay It's okay, you made it that way. Guess what, I forgive you. I've been watching Ayanna fix my life, and she says you have to forgive people, even if it takes a lot of strength. So I forgive you for everything. I forgive you for my little pony porn you put in my pillow.

I forgive you for putting all your baby teeth in my drawer. I forgive you for sticking Q-tips in both my ears and then pushing until I couldn't hear. I forgive you for putting a melon baller in where I usually keep my glasses, so I accidentally scooped my eyeball one day. I forgive you for taking my pet mouse and putting it in the trash

and then letting me find it and thinking it was a new mouse and then killing it and the other one, but they were both the same one. I forgive you for putting me in the trunk whenever you have someone coming over. I forgive you for sticking a wooden, spoon down my throat as an experiment for yourself that you never explained. I forgive you for pulling out my tongue with a hole puncher and threatening to push.

And then when I said, please don't, you still did. And then you took the dot that came out of my tongue and you cut it into a million smaller pieces and made little confetti. And then you threw a surprise party for me when I walked in the other room crying. Well, wow. I mean, when you list it all out, like that, seems like a lot. But you know what?

Thank you. Thank you for your forgiveness. You're gonna be a high five. Oh, cool. Whoa, not my back butt. Your back butt? Yeah. Yeah, my back butt.

The butt of your back? Just because my crack goes all the way up to my mid-back, doesn't mean the part you were hitting was my butt. But whatever, it's better that way. For everyone involved. Well, Todd, can you see? stick around here? Can you... Yeah, I have literally nowhere else to go.

That sounds good to me. Ha ha, no one gets it. No one understands because it's our friend. After a long day, I honestly just can't wait to get in bed. I'm going to say that for short days too. Maybe you're coming back from a long day of traveling

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Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. Seed Mint Mobile for details. All right. Why don't we get to our first guest? I'm not counting you as a guest. Is that okay? Fine. I'm used to it. I'm just a big nothing. No, you're like my co-host though. Whoa, really? Just don't. Try not to ask. too many questions. I'm already full of them. I don't even know who's coming out. I'm really excited.

Are you really? Yeah. Well, would it excite you? You've mentioned several movies. Uh-huh. Would it excite you to know that it's someone who works on movies? Yeah.

As a director. Yeah. He's a director of the Underworld franchise. Please welcome Len Wiseman. Len Wiseman. Wow. Hello. How exciting to be here.

It's thrilling to be here right now. Len, why? Have you ever been to Oakland? Many times. You know, I, you know, I grew up in California. I, yeah, you went to... I'm from Fremont, California. Right?

I went to Cupertino High. Where the phone is from. That's right, where the phone is from. Who's this young man? This is my nephew, Todd. Look at you. I apologize for you. him. I'm so, so sorry. Why do you say that?

He looks like a smart young man? Hello. Thank you. Nice to meet you, sir. It's nice to meet you, little guy. Pleasure for make your acquaintance. What, he's got lovely mannest. Yeah, around you. What was there? Were you having a hijink over there?

I don't blame you. I was a high-spirited young guy myself, let me tell you. Where are you? We haven't talked about yours. You're growing up years. Oh, are you kidding me? I was young and dumb and full of you, no, What? Todd. That's not for your ears.

Oh, it's not for your ears. It's for a pussy. See, Todd's acting out now. Ha, ha. Because we have company. We have company. He's very precocious. Watch this.

Okay. Oh, it's like a penis. He did the microphone like a penis. That's a good one. You remind me of me when I was your age, and also now. Have you always talk? like this when you were a young guy? What are you talking about?

I am a young guy. Well, sure. I'm a good-looking young guy in my 40s. Look at me. I should be... People think I'm an actor, but I'm not behind the camera. You're still above the line. That's right.

Movie talk. I don't get it. I feel left out. Why do you feel left out? What's the line? Well, there's a line in showbiz. When you're making a picture, right? and above the line is the actors, right?

They're the people that are in the movie that everyone wants to see on the screen and then there's below the line. Oh my God. That's the crew. We couldn't do anything without them, but I mean, come on. If a crew person got on screen by accident

and people would ask for that money back at the box office. Can you imagine that? I don't want to. And my business is imagining stuff. I'm just thinking of like the Independence Day sequel. They're fighting aliens. That's right. And then some dumb gaffer walks in.

Oh. And I mean, God love them. They're doing the grunt work, and I love them all, but I don't want to see them on the screen. Pretty people only, thank you very much. What if I was to do an underworld picture, and there's vampires and lichens, werewolves, fighting each other,

and then there was like a regular guy-looking werewolf. People were like, well, why would he be a werewolf? looks like my neighbor. That's true. Like vampires and lichens, werewolves, they all are good-looking people. That's right,

on purpose. Really? Yeah. Is it on purpose from you or on purpose of the vampires and the lichens? Well, both, really,

if you think about it, even though vampires and lichens, werewolves are made up. If you were one of them, are you going to stick your fangs into someone? Are you going to get an ugg-ho? If you're going to make someone into an immortal creature,

you're going to make sure they could be in perfect 10 magazine. Yeah, I love that magazine. Oh, do you? Yeah. You have a few hitting on your mattress? Yeah, I hide it under my mattress. My very cool mattress that I have. Tell me about this mattress.

Well, the coolest part about it, actually, it's not only my mattress, it's my uncles, but I do get to sleep in the box. Oh, my, is the box big enough to sleep in? Well, it's big enough for me to squish in. It's the size of a mini fridge. Oh. And there's like layers of cooling stuff.

How many? Oh, it's pop quiz. Three, I believe. So you always feel like at the cooler side of the pillow. Like the old expression goes, feel like the cooler side of the pillow. Yep. Yep.

Agree. We have a quorum. With three people. And FYI, it's a Lisa mattress. Oh, yeah. Thanks to Lisa, our two response. I wasn't even thinking of them, but gosh. Yeah, I was.

It came up so organically. Here we are. Ooh, what's that guy doing over there, the statue? Yeah. Oh, yeah, those are my gods. They hold their testes, like Uncle Scott said. So clinical. Why do you like Perfect Ten magazine?

Are you forgetting that you're? Perfect Ten. It's like a dick and a ball. The one zero? My nephew Todd is gay. Yeah, so? I'm just saying. Todd is gay.

So I can't look at a magazine with chicks in it? Norris Jones. Someday someone will listen to that and know what you mean. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Can you imagine a world? I will say it's the best impression you're capable of. No, I meant that as a positive. Like, it's your best impression.

Ugh. I'm sorry. Now I'm going to be punished again. It did sound like. like a backhanded compliment. I know, I didn't mean it like that. And now I'm going to have to go in the cage. Scott, you don't put your nephew in a cage, do you? It's not a cage per se. It's a dishwasher with a baby gate in front of it.

A dishwasher. It's not in the wall. It's like laying out in the backyard. It's his old one. He threw out. In the sun. Did I come out too early? Nope. Right on time, Len. Right on time. So, Len, it's so great to see you. It's great to see you. Scott, I haven't seen you since Terrytown, New York. Oh, Terrytown.

Next door neighbors to Sleepy Hollow. Of course, Sleepy Hollow television series, produced by you. That's right. I produced it. Was that picked up for another season? Probably. It's a big hit for the Fox Network. Congrats, sir.

Thank you, Todd. If you ever need someone to be on the show, I'd love it. What would you like to do? do in the world of film production. I love it. You've been iconop popped by the best. Don't Icona pop your nephew. Yeah, that hurts my feelings. Son, what would you like to do on the movie picture business?

Well, I'd like to be an actor. I talked to Haley Joel Osmond about it, and he said I could be really good at it. He has a scam where he tries to get child actors, because he was such a big child actor. He has a scam where he gets them to come over to his house. Yeah. And he, like, teaches them acting, suppose. Right, right. Right. Yeah.

But what he's really doing is he's getting their money, and he's buying marijuana. Yeah, exactly. Huge pot-head. He buys marijuana cigarettes. Yeah. Well, I still think I could be a good actor. I could play any role ever in the whole show. Let's see you act. What, I mean... Okay. Do you... Len, you must have some scenes coming up in Sleepy Hollow. Sure I do. Here we go. Okay. Get ready.

Everyone's in this. Really? Even me, sir? Well, I mean, I'm working with what I got. What about Michael Surveys? Who? Is this a server? Never mind. Who are you talking about?

The guy from Fun Home. Yeah, you be him. Good. All right, so. Who am I? You're gonna be the local constable in Sleepy Hollow. What's a constable? It's like a police person.

But it's old-timey times. Okay. Right? Yeah, I got it. So even though it's modern day, they're very tied to old timey times in Sleepy Hollow, because they're very famous. It's very famous because of the Headless Horseman attacks from the Washington Irving novel,

except in this reality, there was no Washington Irving, the Headless Horseman, he's a real guy. And Iqabod, Iqabod Crane, he came from the past out of like a witch's pool. And in this universe, did no one has ever read the novel Sleepy Hollow? It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist.

Now, I think we've talked about this before. I think we have. We've gone over a few books that do and do not exist in the Sleepy Hollow universe. Yeah, what other books don't exist? Well, I don't remember because it was a long time ago. Right, right. But if you throw a title at me, I can tell you if it's in there. How about the doors of perception?

No. Really? So there's no doors. There's no doors the band? There's no ban the doors. And now you're thinking, I want to live. Sleepy Hall universe. Oh, here we go.

Oh, the raw sexual bass line drives me crazy. Come on, come on, come on. Don't touch me, baby. Don't you know that I am not afraid? What was that promise that you made? Why don't you tell me what she said? What a gossipy song it is.

Yeah, really. It's a gossipy song. And how does he get from, hey, come on and touch me. to, he tell me what he said. Right, I know. He's bossy. Can we do the scene? Yeah.

So. By the way, I think server is. Is that his name? Michael Server. No one cares. Okay. You're the constable of Sleepy Hollow. I'm the constable.

All right? So you're a tough policeman. I got it. You are Michael Watts's name. Okay. And you're playing the headless horseman. So, zero dialogue. Okay.

You got a, whoop, whoop, Hold on a second. I don't even call action. Oh, sorry, I never been in a movie. You don't even know what this scene. Okay, so, the Headless Horseman's menacing you. Uh-huh. Give Jimmy Hendrix over here.

So, no, but don't do it up. Don't do it on purpose. You're ruining my life. No one likes it. You're ruining my life. And my life's already horrible. You're ruining everyone's life on stage. So you see, the Headless Horseman.

a mortal enemy, a supernatural demon from hell. All right. And so what you say is you put on some tough guy talk. And you say, hey, how'd you like to be the bodiless horseman after I shoot you with my constable shotgun? Okay. All right? And you throw some tough sauce on it.

So it's like, look out, this guy means business. And then all the ladies, and some of the gentlemen also are going like, oh boy, I want a piece of that action. All right, I got it. Is that okay for me to talk to him that way? He's, I mean, he's post-pupescent, right? I'm not sure. We've never figured that out.

How old are you, Todd? Middle school. Okay. All right, let's do the scene. All right. All right, ready? Get on your marks here. All right.

And. Okay. Line. What was it? Hey, headless horseman. Yeah. How'd she like to be a bodiless horseman? Got it.

Hold on it. I remember, though. I remember it now. I was like, because I'm going to shoot you with my comfortable shotgun. Okay. Back to one. Take two, and... Action! Hey.

Line. Fuck. Headless horsemen. Len, I can't. I just can't deal with this. Hold on. Hold on. I could do it.

I don't want to have a scene on set in front of the crew because it's a bad example. Can you talk to... I will. Okay. Talk to him. I will talk to him. All right? Okay.

It's just a waste of my time and it's a waste of your time. I need you to stay in it, okay? I need you to stay in it, okay? I'm in it. Oh, I'm in it. I know, but here's the thing, here's the thing. Because this whole thing,

if you're not in it, it all falls apart, okay? You're the headless horse. Hey, we're having a private conversation here. Sorry. Hey, I'm the headless horseman, so why don't you see you way out of it? What? Did you say I'm the headless horseman

so why don't you see your way out of it? I got mixed up because you were having an A&B conversation. So here's what you said. Hey, I'm the headless horseman. Hey, no, you're not the headless horseman. He's the headless horseman. No, I know. He said that.

He says that. Okay. No, he doesn't say anything. How am I supposed? I can't. What are you, we're having a private conversation? I'm sorry, Len. We're having a work session over here.

All right. Throw the lines out the window. Okay, no lines. I want you to do it from your gut, from a little lower than that. You know what I'm saying? I want you to really throw your heart into this. Okay.

And so imagine what you would do if a horrible supernatural creature from hell dressed in some revolutionary war costume and he's walking around he's got a chainsaw on his back or whatever. I think like he has in this he has a GPS for some reason.

Okay. So imagine that's coming at you. You're a rough, tough law man. You're protecting your town. Got it. Got it. You don't want this monster to get anybody in the town.

You probably love somebody. So. Yeah. Use all that, and then when he comes out, just react naturally how you would react in the character. Okay.

Is everybody ready on the marks? Oh, I'm ready. Back to one. Okay, Scott, honey, I really need you to... I'm Michael. What does he look like again? Michael server is. You want me to call you, Michael?

Hey, kiddo. No, don't, don't. Norris Jones. Len, Len, what does he look like this? It's a four-word impression. Hey kiddo, Norris Jones. What does he look like again? What's that?

What's he dressed like? He's wearing like, you know, a dumb red coat thing, breaches and stuff. And he's got like, you know, he's got like a sword. Okay, good. And he's got like, you know, old-fashioned pistols. It takes a half hour to load. And no head. No head.

Got it. Remember he's got no head. That's the most distinctive thing. No head. And it's like, if you saw that, here's what acting is. Pretent you saw that in real life. How would you feel? And then feel that way.

And then say it. All right, let's go. Ready, on your marks? Okay, this is take three. And action. Hey, are you the guy responding to my uncle's Craigslist, Dad? Okay, cut, cut. That's what I would say.

All right, but... Can I drop out of a character here for a second? Oh, sure. What? No, no! You're not supposed to tell people about that. Help me, Lynn. Now look, I don't like to get involved in family squabbles.

Help me. You're not going to be an actor, not if I have anything to say about it. You don't want me to pick my own money. No, that's right. Because you're just going to waste it. Yeah, because whenever I try to do chores to get allowance, you pay me in Cheerios. And kisses. Ugh.

There are kisses on the mirror to yourself. Well, I let you watch. How is that? That's the payment? And I have to go, thank you, thank you. I can almost feel it, uncle. Such a freak. You do sound like a bit of a freak.

So, Len, obviously we saw each other in Terrytown. We've just covered that. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, we just covered that 15 minutes ago. But what are you doing here in Oakland? I mean, it's the Bay Area in general. I'll tell you why. I'm in the Bay Area.

They're very proud of it. They really are. They love it here. They hear the name. Well, look, we should all be so proud of our names that if somebody said our name out loud, we go, woo! Let's try it. Okay.

Todd. Woo. Len. Woo. Daddy. A lot of people are responding to that, but not me. Daddy? Michael Severus.

Hey, kiddo. You can't even do woo in the voice. You can't even imagine what it would be like if the guy went woo? Let me try. Let me try. Let me try. No, oh, wait. What does his name?

It was a Norris Jones. Michael. Nora Jones. Nora Jones. Okay, you're Nora Jones. And someone just said, hi, Nora Jones. There we go. Perfect.

All right, did it. Okay, so here's why I'm in the Bay Area, because I heard they put a gigantic statue of Venus, the goddess of love, on top of that big new apartment space in San Francisco. So here's what I'm going to be. I want to do. Organize the biggest sex party

in the world. Holy moly. I want to get everybody from San Fran O-Town. Isn't that Orlando? No, don't you remember that boy band competition show?

That's where I remember it from. Ashley Angel. You have a poster of Ashley Angel on your wall. All right, all right. Oak, then Oak Town. Is it Oak Town? It's Oak Town. Okay, well, I'm sure I'm sorry. And of course, Mill Valley.

And we'll have the most gigantic sex party. It's going to go a citywide, multi-city sex party. Multi-sity. All under the watchful eye. Of a watoo? No, the watcher, no. He only intervenes. That's right.

No, if that guy, all he can do. Do you know who a Wattu, the watcher is? No. He's a big bald guy, lives on the moon. Like Michael Cerverer, server is. What? He's a big bald guy. Does he live on the moon?

No. Then why did you say that? Now, I never get exasperated with you. We've always gotten along. We love each other. But we love each other. We love each other. I've invited you to all my sex parties. I've never come.

You can come. That's right. We have fun. We have adult fun. We have adult fun. Adult words. Above 17. That's right.

17 and over fun. That's right. PG fun. But that's R-rated fun, I guess. PG Fun Home for you. PJ Fun Home. AJ Fun Home. I don't know what's going on. You gotta listen from the beginning.

I'll skip it. So, a watch to the watcher. He lives on the moon. He's forbidden to interfere. He just records the actions of people. Oh, what a sad life. It is a sad life. Now imagine he's watching a sad life.

sex party, he's like, oh boy, I'd like to get down there and participate in that sex party. I can't ever watcher. He's not allowed to intervene, like stop something from happening, but can he participate? I haven't figured that. No, because it can affect things. Imagine we're having the sex party,

and then all of a sudden a giant bald man from the moon walks in, and he's like, who's free? And it's like, hey, this sex party's been ground to a halt because you're a creature from another world. He's a creature? Well, he's not human.

He has odd proportions. Yeah. His head is probably like as big as this. So he looks like you? It's very saucy this one. Weird slam. All right, so... Yeah, but you hurt your feelings, right? Yeah, I did, so it worked.

So what, uh, you want to have this giant sex party? I want to have, what I'd like to organize is, thousands and thousands of people, all having a sex party at the same time. And I think, if we can do that, we could change the world. Because, thanks for the woo's, because if other people could see this

all across this country and all across the world, Todd. Don't be frightened, Todd. I never got this much icon now. I'm just leaning forever. I think, obviously, it would be televised. Like, there's no way the media can ignore. Hold on a second. You're tisking.

No, that is true. Like, they would have to cover it. They would have to. There's no way. You're telling me that the major television networks, cable outlets, grit America's family newspaper, there's no way that they're going to hear about this massive sex party going on without saying we got to go down there and cover it.

And then everyone's not talking about Donald Trump anymore. They're not talking about Bernie Bros and shrillery or whatever. Everyone's mad at each other. Jill Stein, I don't know. And then instead, everybody's saying, how about this sex party that's going on? Let's talk about that. Everyone will want to talk about it.

And then the more they talk about it, the more they're going to want to have a sex party of their own. And then before you know it, it spreads all over the place, world peace. That's right. Not bad. That's my humble plan. Let's have a gigantic sex party to cure the world. So it's sort of the sex party version of the end of Watchmen.

Yeah, instead of a gigantic octopus, wrecking some buildings, let's just all have some fun with it. It could work. So it's like the sex party version of the end of Aladdin? Refresh my mem because I don't... I don't know, they got married or something. It's a lot like that.

More like the honeymoon, post-credit sequence of Aladdin. If you know who to talk to, you can see that. Really? The animators drew that? They drew Aladdin and Jasmine having sex with their wedding night. They drew the word sex in the clouds. Oh, yeah. That was the beginning of it. Yeah.

That was so subliminally like, oh, boy, I want them to have sex with each other. But of course we all wanted that the second we saw the two characters. Yeah, and in the Lion King, too. Yeah, I wanted those lions to F. I wanted Teaman and Pumba to get it on. They did. Did they have sex with each other?

In the spinoff. They spun off fucking... Was the spinoff a porn? Do you mean the Lion King one and a half? That was just a straight-up porn? That was straight to video, yeah. It's interesting. They were an interesting company, Disney.

All those weird things that they did that we just talked about. Song of the South. Yeah. Weird. Strange. What, if you could reboot Song of the South, what would you do with it? Oh, well, I'd call it Sex of the South, first of all. Sure.

I'd put a bunch of vampires and mummies in there. Maybe a creature from the Black Lagoon, but a sexy one. Would you put a twist on the name of that like you did with Likens and Werewolves? Oh, for the Black Lagoon creature? Yeah. Yeah, I'd call them like, let's see, let's see, let's see. Amphibians. We've always been at war with the amphibians.

Is it spelled like amphibians, but you just have to know to pronounce it different? No. It's an O instead of an A at the end. Thank you. Amphibians. Thank you, sir. We'll say, we'll say, we'll say, thank you, sir. Thank you for explaining, sir.

What is this, it's all of a twist? What's going on? Thank you, sir. Thank you. We need pudding. Uda-putin. Uda-putin. Uda-putin.

The person who told me that story was supposed to be here tonight, but... Is that so? But she couldn't come at the last minute. That's interesting. Well, I'm glad we got to grind the show to a halt by referencing a private story. And even the one person who would have understood it isn't here.

It would have been cool if she was. She was supposed to be. Oh, let's go down the line and we'll say what would have been cool that would have happened but didn't. All right. She might have cheered or laughed at that when no one else made a peep.

Right. If there was a female version of the Goonies. What? Weren't there some females in the Goonies? Martha Plimpton was in there. Wasn't she a Gooney? They would be men. Oh, you're saying like a reboot or like the Ghostbusters?

Yeah, exactly. Wait, you're saying if she was here, how it would have changed things like the butterfly effect? Well, hold on a second. There's a misunderstanding. The buttercream effect. Scott, hold on a second, honey. Here's what the misunderstanding was.

I was saying, we'll just talk about a cool thing that didn't happen, not necessarily about the show. But you took it along the lines of what if that lady had been here. It was a lady, right? You said it was a lady, yeah. What if she had been here? She still is a lady. And then you nailed it right on the head

that she would have probably made a little noise, a hooterahala, say, I got it. All right, cool. Now here's what I think would be cool that didn't happen, but if it had happened, would have been cool. Oh, boy. if we all had a sex party. Everyone here tonight?

Yeah. I think, now here's the thing. If you've ever had to try, if you've ever tried having a mass sex party in theater seats, it's very difficult. And there's room, of course, because someone stays on the chair, the other one gets on top of them,

and now there's all these fun empty chairs. And so other people can come in and watch, which is a big part of the sex party. is just being a bystander. What percentage of people are bystanders? 10%. 10%. Beesstanders?

Hey. Can I tell you something? Yeah. It's both. All the bystanders are bisexual. I guess you'd have to be if you're watching that. But here's the thing. It's not even about their pleasure,

although let me tell you something they enjoy it. But what it's about is, it's about the people who are indulging in the sex party knowing, oh, I'm being one. watched by that one. I'm being watched by that one. And then you know that by, so it fits in with whatever your thing is. Sure. Unless you're a closed-minded bigot, in which case, you're not invited to my sex party. And no one here in the Bay Area is a close-minded bigot. This is the most open-minded community in the world. That's right. Just ask them. They'll tell it to you. They'll tell you. In fact,

don't even ask them. They'll still tell you. Yeah. And they'll tell you how much L.A. sucks. Oh, they love talking about that. Oh, there's nothing I hate worse than a city I've never been to. I hate the idea of some cities. Anyway, that's my thing. Very good. Very good. Len Wiseman. Yeah.

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That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Well, we have another guest. Should we get to him? Yeah. Can you stick around? I've literally nowhere else to be. He is a comedian.

This is exciting. This is exciting. Do you like comedians? I do. Do you like comedians like Louis C.K.? Sure. Oh, he's so edgy. Comedians like Chris.

Ross Rock. Oh, that guy, irreverent. Well, then you'll love this next comedian. Please welcome. Skip dribbles. Dribbles. Hey, how's it going, everybody? Hey, do you want, let's switch over here. Why don't you come over here? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me sit over there. Do you want some more sex party wipes? These are sex body wipes? Sex body wipes? Sex potty wipes? Is that what you said? Sex potty, sex body, sex party, sex party. I'm into it like a basketball. Into a hoop.

That's a weird thing to say. It's not if you're Skip dribbles, basketball comedian. Oh. Oh, I see. Basketball comedian. I love sports. What's your favorite sport, Todd? High lie.

An elegant choice. Thank you very much, kind sir. Skip, you're a basketball comedian? That's right. I used to be a regular comedian, and it wasn't really working for me, so I decided to pick one thing, kind of a theme, and just go at that theme really hard. Like Jim Gaffigan with food.

And Louis C.K. with hating his kids. That's right. You know how most comedians, they'll come out, you know, and they'll say, hey, thanks for coming to the stand-up show. I'm a terrible human being. I'm slowly dying, and I'm an alcoholic. Why aren't you laughing? Anyway, that wasn't working for me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. That was your act? Well, yeah, I was copying the people. that I was watching, you know, and it wasn't working for me. Okay. So I looked at my life and I said, what do I really like? Boy, do I love the pure sport of basketball. Five men against five women.

No, I'm sorry. Five men against five men or five women against five women. Or children running crazy. Anything in there. Anything in there. Whatever it is. But it's a simple game. You dribble it, you put it in the hoop.

So I started thinking, well, what if I came up with an act that was all, basketball jokes. Clean fun, you know? That does sound like clean fun, yeah. Maybe you could do a little bit of your act. Would maybe you guys like to see some of your... No. Really?

Yeah, I would love to hear this. You know, the other day, I was dribbling a basketball in front of my crush. And darn it if the ball didn't bounce off my foot and go away. I call that a technical foul. Anyway, I'm still an alcoholic. That's usually what I... That's my opener.

That's your opener. You say you're still an alcoholic as your opener? And also it just ends with I'm still an alcoholic? But was there more to it? It got a pop. You can't deny it. I can't. I loved it.

Hey, thanks. Todd has never seen comedy before. I've never allowed him to. No, except for your jokes, quote, unquote. He just stand up, he stands on the couch and screams about religion. What do you say? What do you scream about? Look, some dark times are coming.

Oh boy People gotta know This sounds like one of my motion pictures You do a lot of dystopian future stuff, right? Well, it's supernatural things Where that's monsters, sexy monsters Yeah I get into sex stuff every once in a while

When my set starts to get a little edgy Oh It goes a little something like this Okay You know when you're in bed with your crush And you can't get an erection I call that airballing a free throw Anyway, I'm an alcoholic

No, Skip. It seems like you restated that you were an alcoholic at the end of that routine. But it seemed like you said it as if it was the first time we were hearing that information. Yeah, is that joke usually go before the other one? Well, yeah, that's the funny thing about landing on that after every single joke, is that it also sets up the next joke. Well, whoa. It's a punchline and a setup.

It's a dual threat, you know? It's like someone who's good at offense or defense in basketball. Just so I'm clear So you do a joke about basketball And there's some fun wordplay about like You know, ooh la la stuff But it's also basketball terms And then you end with

Anyway, I'm an alcoholic And then presumably You go into a routine about being an alcoholic Or am I wrong? No, I mean I definitely get into some edgier stuff after that But I thought that was the edgy stuff That you just did now It gets edgier

It gets edgier Edgier than being in bed with your crum So the other day I was getting a tattoo from my crush, and he or she, I can't tell at this point, said, you can't tell? I can't tell. But you have a crush on this person. I got a huge crush.

But you don't know. I don't see genitalia. I just see holes I want to dive into, like a basketball through a hoop. So my crush says, what do you want, and where do you want it? Wink, wink, wink, you know what I'm saying? But he, she was talking about the tattoo. tattoo. And I said, I want a tramp stamp on my lower back that says, LeBron James ate here. Anyway, I'm an alcoholic.

Okay. See, it's getting edgier. It is getting edgier. That's true. And that was a good basketball slam. How'd you know about my uncle's tattoo? You still haven't really broached the subject of the alcoholism. Yeah. Are you actually an alcoholic? I mean... I mean, yeah, I am. But when I get into that, I usually don't get any laughs. know. But you do get a laugh mentioning that you're an alcoholic. I follow what the people give me, you know. They're the judge, jury, and the executioner of my jokes.

And when I say I'm an alcoholic, they tend to laugh. It's like magic. So I like to also, since I am still an alcoholic, I like to keep an element, because I'm a stand-up, so I'm still an alcoholic, I like to keep an element of truth and personality so that I'm not just a theme comedian, you know. I'm not a character up here, just telling people something based on a theme. Okay, so you've just said previous to this that you wanted to do all of your jokes as a theme. Right. And now you're saying that you don't want to be known for this theme. Okay, I'm on board. Let's continue. I've been caught in this trap before. You're not wrong. In fact, you're right. The opposite of wrong. Yes. It's weird, though, that he said it in a way that sounded like you were wrong.

but what he was saying directly was you are right I feel guilty now for some reason I don't know why I sort of do too I don't know why well you got me well I'm sorry I didn't mean to you got me good

Skip does it get edgier even still than that oh yeah absolutely well usually I'll try to pepper in something that's a little less edgy before I go to the really edgy stuff something a little bit like this so you and your crush are sitting on the couch and whoever that person is, because I go through a lot of them, says,

Hey, if an NBA player was a television show that we were watching on an on-demand streaming website that is being broadcast on your television that you access through an app that you can click through and choose things from, what would that NBA player's name be? And I say, Kevin Love on Netflix. Anyway, I'm an alcoholic. That's kind of a child pleaser, as I call it.

A child pleaser? Why are there so many children that you're performing to? That was my favorite joke so far. Results speak for themselves. Thanks, Todd. I appreciate that. I literally have no more jokes like that. That's okay. I liked all your jokes. You're really, really good.

You're the best comedian I've ever seen. Wow. I'm really flattered by that. You found your demographic. Todd has never watched basketball before. Mm-mm. Wait, you've never seen stand-up comedians before. Uh-uh. In your opinion, what is basketball?

Basketball is when two guys put a ball between their butts and push their butts until the ball goes outside of that, and then a man yells at them. Okay, well, that was my next joke, plus I'm an alcoholic. Can I ask a question? Yeah, sure. I'm a big fan, by the way. Thank you, Skip. Yeah.

You like the underworld series of films? Yeah, I loved Total Recall, Live Free or Die Hard. Thank you so much. What a wonderful thing to say. Have you ever been to a sex party? No, I've never been asked. Consider yourself asked to my next sex party, which happens immediately following the show. Can his crush come?

Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you about this crush business. Why do you keep saying that? My crush? Yeah. Well, I think it's relatable, you know? Everyone's always got a crush on someone. Either you're married to your crush, you're going out with your crush, you're secretly longing for your crush.

I don't think that people think of it that way, though. I think they think, when they hear the one, word crush, I think they think of it as someone that they are absolutely not with, that they long to be with, but aren't. Oh, okay. All right, well, I think it still works. But, like, if you're in bed with your crush,

they're not your crush anymore. What are they? My slam piece? Yeah. I got to rework all those jokes and put in slam piece. Try it again. Yeah, let's hear it. Let's see. I think of, what did I lead off with here?

When you're playing basketball in front of your crush. Oh, right, okay. So, when you're dribbling a basketball in front of your slam piece, who you've already fucked, and the ball dribbles off your foot, I call that, well, it doesn't really matter

because you've already fucked them. Anyway, I'm not... It does all the things. Well, you know what, that one, that one, Crush works, right? Yeah. Every subsequent joke, it seemed like Crush was not the,

not the most precise word you could be using. That's right. That's good. See, you've got to pay a... attention to details like that because you're a director. Exactly. Right? Now, I'm an alcoholic stand-up, so I don't pay attention to details quite

that specifically. I like to let it ride out there. You remember that song, let it ride? No. Could you sing it? Ride, ride, ride, ride. Let it ride. Yeah. Who did that one? Bachman Turner Overdrive? That sounds like BTO, sure. Yeah, right? Yeah. Taking care of business.

That's what Uncle Scott screams when he's going to the toilet. Taking care of business and working over time. Is that true? Look, I'm a fan. Of which. Of pooping.

That's what I thought. He likes rituals. He always sings that with any poops. Have you ever closed the deal with a crush, or do they always remain crushes? Well, crushes always remain crushes. Because once you close the deal, apparently they become slam pieces.

They transmogrify. Oh, it's almost like undergoing a like-and-like transformation. When your crush has that oh, they're wrestling with what's happening inside them. They become a slam piece. Maybe you could put some crushes and slam pieces

in the next underworld. I would love to. Here's what I like about it, because the werewolf analogy is sound, because they start off wearing clothes, and then by the end they're not wearing clothes anymore. Now, what happens when you transition from, okay, so you go from,

to slam piece. Right. And then at a certain point, you go from slam piece to, you know, life burden. I don't think that that's most people's experience. Well, at least 50% of the people it's not their experience.

It's a very strong term. Life burden? Yeah. Have you been married? Yeah, a couple times. And it didn't work out for you. No. No, obviously not.

It's not like I have several wives and they're all okay with it and they're like, hey, good job, add another one soon. Okay, okay. Why do you say it? You don't need to be sarcastic like that. Oh, was he being sarcastic or is he? I think it's being sarcastic.

No, I wasn't being sarcastic. Oh, you were literally explaining to us the concept of ex-wives. All right. I stand corrected. I apologize. Thank you? Wait, you're thanking me? For explaining it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. And Len, you know, no one has to explain that concept to you. That is true. I am divorced right now. You were married to the beautiful Kate Beckinsale. That's right. She used to be married to someone else, then she was. she was married to me now, no one's married.

Let me tell you, in the words of every basketball player, I got to ask, what happened? It was one of those things where, you know, a lot of times what can happen in a marriage as you become different people, and, you know, maybe at the beginning of the marriage, you feel like you have a lot in common, and then by the end,

one of you is way more into sex parties than the other one. I'm not going to say who's who, because that's private. She's not. She never was, it turns out. She was just being polite for a long time. Was she one of the bystanders? That was as far as she would go.

She said, look, I'll watch for three hours. And then I'm going to go in the bedroom watch TV. Now, in basketball, there are timeouts. There are substitutions. Is the same true in sex parties? Oh, yeah. You have to have timeouts. you have to look and this is a lesson

this is for everyone you gotta pace yourself you gotta know you want to make it last you don't want to be tantric about it because who has the time and it's like hey I gotta be on set in four hours get out of here I need to get like a little

bit of sleep I can't be walking over bodies trying to find my shoes or what have you how many times are the shoes underneath someone's butt every single time cool It's pretty cool Is the goal

in a sex party to do it to completion as many times as you can or hold it off for as long as you can? Can I tell you a secret? I wish you would. It's both.

So you want to hold off as long as you can but then do that multiple times? Yes, that's why these sex parties go on for such a long time. What is the longest sex party you've ever had? Oh.

36 hours? 36. That's right. I invited some of them here. Fans of a day and a half out there. That's right. A lot of people got, they lost their jobs over that. Really?

They called out six during sex. They were like, I'm not gonna make it. They put it on the sick voice and everything. I'm not gonna, oh, I'm not gonna make it into work. That's what the woman said? Yeah, continue blowing me. I knew you never had sex. I felt sex,

for. Continue. Wait, the woman, the woman said continue. I don't know. No, she said, Kant in you, blow in me. Now, in basketball. All right, that's our show.

Lauren Lapkins. Paul Lept. Hopkins.