Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Portland, OR 2016 (Early Show)

Episode Date: July 23, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance, May 24, 2016 from Revolution Hall in Portland, OR - featuring Scott Aukerman, Lauren Lapkus as kid detective Murphy O'Malaman, Paul F. Tompkins as children’s entertainer Big Chunky Bubbles and Tim Baltz as Don Darling. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Get a quote at bellair direct.com. Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here and welcome to another episode of Freedom. Now, if you're wondering where Paul and Lauren are, quite honestly, I don't know. I don't keep track of them all the time. I'm not sharing my location. with them, nor they with me. But what I do know is you're listening to me right now and me solo

because we're on hiatus until September. But until then, we thought that we would entertain you by releasing some of our earlier live episodes from 2016, 2016 tour of Comedy Bang Bang. Now, this was the tour where we all got to know each other very well and we spent a couple of months out on the road together going insane day by day.

and you're going to hear it on this episode. So what are we hearing today? We're hearing May 24th, 2016, Portland, Oregon Revolution Hall 7 p.m. Portland, Oregon, of course, is the place where we do two shows in one night. And this is the earlier of the shows. There's some interesting stuff that happens here in Portland. I think you'll hear more about it later, but this is the first episode. And who do we have?

If you haven't heard Comedy Bang Bang, it's a podcast, kind of like a fake talk show that I host, where I'm the host as myself, and then I have comedians on playing characters. And on this episode, we have Lauren as Kid Detective Murphy O. Malaman. We have Paul F. Tompkins. I believe this is his first appearance as Big Chunky Bubbles. I believe this was a thing, and I'm sure you'll hear about this in subsequent weeks, that he came up with at dinner that night because the phrase big chunky bubbles was on the menu, I believe describing a bowl of soup that one could order.

Anyway, we also, this is the part of the tour where we brought on Tim Baltz, whom you may know from The Righteous Gemstones. He is playing Don Darling. So enjoy this. We're going to be back in September with new episodes. By the way, if you're, if you like these live episodes, Paul F. Tompkins and I are out on tour. Currently, we have, I believe we're in the UK and Ireland this week.

And then we have the west coast of the United States and Canada as well as the Southwest coming up. So check out all the tickets and the links for those at CBBWorld.com slash tour. Okay. Enjoy this episode. of Threatom and Comedy Bang Bang. What an interesting little theater here. Hi, Portland. Did you say Bridget? Okay, shut the fuck up.

Right off the bat, shut the fuck up. That's how I'm treating you all tonight. Right off the bat shutting you down. Bridget, shut the fuck up. This is gonna make an awkward front row encounter with us. I'm sorry. Sorry. Let me do this first.

Hold on. I want a Billy on the street, but a freak in the bed. Okay. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. That, yeah, it's okay. Mr. Malacca submitted that catchphrase. Let me just say, let me punch this up for a second. The expression is I want a lady on the streets, but a freak in the sheets.

That would be funnier than a freak in the bed, wouldn't it? What is going on with this cord? Hello, young man. Yeah, you pulled it out two feet. Thanks. Can only go this far? That'll be all right. Mr. Malacca, here, let me punch this up.

I want a freak in the sheets, but a billy in the street. That's better joke structure, isn't it? Thank you, Mr. Malacca. Thank you for that. Someone, did you groan? Uh... Let me, first of all, fans of the best... It looks to be two.

Is that, is this, is this considered a balcony or are you just like a bunch of weird voyeurs? It's like literally just one row of spotty dudes. Some over here. You, you look like you're jerking it. You're like bathed in light for some reason. I don't know why. Like everyone watch me jerk it. Shouldn't the house lights be down?

What is happening? What is happening? I can see all of you. What is this place? There we go. I had to walk through a school to get on stage. I don't know what is happening. The mic court is as long as my dick.

What is how? I don't know whether that's a brag or a slam. I was implying it's short, but... Strange double-use on the ceiling? Washington. Washington. Fine. You don't need to yell it.

Are you so proud of Washington? Is that what it is? You... Hey, hey, hey, this is not the time to debate intermural rivalries. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I appreciate that you went to a school or whatever the fuck you think you did.

Is this in the middle of a school? Is it don't... I'm not even asking you any questions anymore. You're a very shouty crowd. What's up you guys? You got a little lamp on you. Is that a little reading lamp for you? Well, guys, Portland, Oregon, it's so nice of you.

I'm tired of the sentence. Let me start over. Thank you very much for having us. We're so pleased to be here. We're at the, yeah, Revolution Hall. We're in the tail end of, the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. We only have a couple more days left and it's been a lot of fun. I gotta say, it's been a super amount of fun and we've been traveling around the country

with a good group of people and I think we're gonna have some people that you enjoy tonight. So you guys ready to get started? What do you say? How far does this one go? A little longer, I like it. All right, let's get to our first guest. She is a... I don't know quite how else to say this, but she's a little girl. She is an amateur sleuth. Please welcome Murphy O'Malleyman.

Hello, Murphy. Hello, sir. See my big magnifying glass? Ooh. I do. I would imagine that it's to help you see. I don't need to see that you have it because I can see very well.

I don't know what I'm talking about right now. I may have come to the show drunk. I couldn't afford glasses, so I used two magnifying glasses. Do you always make that noise when you do the magnifying glasses? Yeah, because I can't. I'm seeing things in crazy movements. Just hold it still. Now I'm getting sick.

Maybe you don't need glasses. Have you ever thought about that? Do you see everything clearly? No, sir. Before I got my glasses, all the leaves and the trees were one big smush. And now they're so close, I'm going to barf. Maybe don't look at them. Yeah, I guess I just won't look at the leaves

and won't enjoy my life. Sorry, sir. Geez, sir, are you in a bad mood, sir? No, no. Murphy, I'm so sorry. Now, for those of you who don't know, Murphy is a little girl, how old are you? I'm nine.

Is that established? Yeah. Someone will let me know if I'm wrong. Murphy, you're a little girl who is, there's no other way to put it. You're a detective. You're a child. You bet I am.

I'm a kid detective. A kid detective. That's how you put it. Yeah. Me and my brother. I feel bad talking about him. Where is he? That's what I don't know.

I have a big mystery to solve. Oh, no. Yeah. What's happening? I can't find him anywhere. We were having a great time skipping through the forest. Okay, hold on. In what area of the country were you?

Portland, Oregon. Hunting for honey. Tapping trees. Seeing if any bees were inside and would open the door. Oh, sir. It was delightful, sir. Oh, yeah, it was. What was your brother's name again?

JJ. JJ. Yeah. J.J. O. Malamon. Yeah. And you were tapping trees. Knock, knock, knock. Any bees home? If there weren't any bees, no honey. If there were bees, honey. How many times did you find bees?

Never, sir. So, is that the express purpose of your visit to Portland? Yes, we were in search of honey to make a good breakfast for our dad. Yeah, your dad. How many of you have been following the story of Murphy here? Your dad, your mother passed away. Yes. And our dad, old prospector, from inside the TV.

Oh, yeah, I don't remember that part of it. He loves honey on his oats. I just need to just buy honey-note chiroos. Honey-node. He hates name brands. So we make our own Cheerios. He likes artisan Cheerios? Yes.

Yeah. So your mother has passed away. Yes, she was flayed. We found her skin, bones, and all. Well, the skin was on the ground. The muscles were on the bones. And she was in an all-force position. and we wrote her like a pony.

I miss mommy. What do you miss most about her? Riding her. That one day? Yes. Her behavior was so agreeable that day. Really? She was a cruel mistress before then?

Oh, she just liked to move a lot. Wait, moving. We could never catch her to get a ride. But once she was flayed, very easy to ride her. So your mother is dead, and it was a big mystery, and you decided to become kid detectives in order to investigate that mystery, yes? We decided to become detectives, and we are kids,

so that was part of the decision, I guess, but we can't control that, you know, sir? Can you control your age? I can't. So I guess it would be difficult for you to decide to become an adult detective when you are just a kid. Like you can't be a kid host.

That's true. Even though I've seen you try. You're acting like my nephew right now. So you never solved your... mother's murder. Not really. We got kind of close. It seemed like maybe my dad did it. But we didn't want to believe that, so we decided that wasn't the answer. Right. Did you check out any of the clues that you were talking about going to? We went to Alaska. We found twos all over the place. They weren't any help. What about did you ever go to the district of

Columbia? Yeah. Yes. We went to the White House for Washington Lane. Yes, we love the president. But they wouldn't let us in because we didn't have our badges. You have badges? We didn't have state badges because we're too little. Right. Driving badges, sir. Driving badges? Yes, we didn't have.

Drivers license? What are you talking about right now? We don't have our driving badges. Our driver's pins. I don't think you know what you're talking about. We haven't been pinned by the state. So, uh... Oh, sir.

I'm so overwhelmed. Yeah, I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm bringing up so much of this past... Yes, you're reminding me of my brother. I love him, I miss him. What happened to your brother? You were knocking on trees. We knocked on trees, and then suddenly he decided to climb a tree to see if he could chase a squirrel down and catch him alive.

Why did he want to catch a squirrel alive? To make a new hat. With a live squirrel? A squirrel tail hat, just like old... What's his name? Baby Crockett? Yeah. He got the coon skin, but not the squirrel tail.

Pass. certainly don't mean whatever you think I mean. Do you crack at War Raccoon Skater? Okay, all right. Stop saying it. Raccoon! Okay. Sorry.

Oh my gosh. So we ran up a tree. Yes. He scrambled up like something out of the ring. The movie Ringu? The remake of Ringu? Yes. The remake of Ringu.

He crawled backwards like a crab. Up the tree with his eyes spinning back at his head. He caught a squirrel in his mouth. And I bade didn't become down. and he wouldn't do it. And then he leapt to another tree and I never saw him again. Oh, no.

You begged him. Tree. Tree sounds like three. J.J. O'Malliman, three names. I don't know about that. No, it is. On Sesame Street? Yeah.

What's their address on Sesame Street? Are you asking me... One, two, three. Sesame Street. Are you asking me if I can tell you how to get... Yes. How to get to Sesame Street? Yes, sir.

I need directions. I have to find him. You know, that song never answers the question. We've got to figure it out ourselves. It certainly raises it, but it never then says, oh, well, how you get there is, well, you take the five. You do? They never go into it, is what I'm saying. You take the five. Take the five. Take the five. Three.

Wait, how did you get from take the five to three? Three words, take the five. Oh, okay, that makes sense. Yeah, it's all coming together. I need my notebook. Huh? You can't find your notebook either. Did he have it? Yes, he carries all of our stuff

because he's strong like a man. And what do you do on these hikes? Cry. I'm a girl. In case you didn't notice. Yeah, I noticed. I mean, I noticed. You noticed?

All right. Because my hair's long. I don't have any breasts yet. And I didn't show you my vagina. You're not, sir. Are you a detective? You told me your name. Murphy?

You're a good detective, sir. I need you at my team. Okay, well, if you and I were to team up to find your brother, JJ, what would we do? What is the first thing a detective does? The first thing we do is consult the bones. And what is that again? We shake my mother's bones in a jar.

Pour them out and read them, just the way we were taught by that old wizard. I don't think you ever told me this story. You went to a wizard? Oh, yeah. Well, we fell inside a wizard. ball. Wait, a wizard bowl?

You know those balls people have in their front yard, like a witch's ball or a wizard's ball? No, I don't. It's like a mirrored globe. Some people have them as decoration. Oh, okay. More popular in the 50s. Like a crystal ball kind of thing? A crystal ball, yes.

And we were looking at it and looking at our reflections, and suddenly we were tumbling down inside of it. And in the bottom, a wizard caught us in his big palms. He had large palms larger than his body, or he was a large person who had a large person who had larger palms than you or I would have. Does it really matter? Yeah, his palms were... Sorry.

You fell down a wizard's ball. And I'm asking for details. Sorry. Yes, his palms were... He was really big, but his palms were a little too big for his body. So he was like a giant, but they were still in proportion. A little too big. Yeah.

Where it was sort of distasteful. Kind of like, did he have a problem or something? We wondered as we were wriggling around inside them. And he caught you and then... And then he told us about our mother's bones, how to read them. So this is after your mother's death. Oh, yeah, we had her bones in our back sack. All of them?

The small ones. Jaw, ear. Mainly those, brow. There's so many bones in your head. Yeah, we kind of broke apart. heart the skull. To make it fit in our bag. Oh, okay.

What do you mean? Sorry. How do you carry your mother's skull around? So you let him know that you had your mother's bones. Well, he knew because they were rattling around saying, we damn bones. A parody of we dem boys? Mixed with like dem bones, dem bones, which I think is a thing. Yeah, I believe it is.

Yeah. That's a mashup. So, yeah, they were screaming that, and he knew that we had to read them. But we didn't know that, so he taught us how. Okay, and how does one read bones? I mean, you throw them on the ground. You throw them on the ground. You see how they're laying.

You ever played pick-up sticks? Not really. It's not like that at all. Okay, so anything that's not like pick-up sticks. Yeah. So you read them. It's kind of like tarot card reading or, like, you know, reading tea leaves. You interpret what they say.

Okay, great. So, you threw it. these bones. We threw him down. You threw him down with this wizard. Yeah, onto his valour floor. Why did he have a valuer floor? He said it felt good on his naked body.

Was he naked when he was doing all this? No, but then he showed us. Did you know that all wizards have magic wizard sticks for dicks? Do you mean wands? Yes, what I mean. I know you're a young kid and you don't know quite know how to how to process these emotions, but... Yeah.

Magicians use magic sticks, and wizards use wizard sticks. Anyways, it looks just like that. It's long, shaped like a star at the end. He can only fuck things that are tessellated. Is that a quote? He said that. I was trying to remember it.

You know the game where you push down and you have to get all the pieces before it pops up? You know that game where they're all matching the holes? there's different shapes and you put him in the holes. You know, it's a board game. Perfection? No.

Well, he has to find a woman with a pussy shaped like a star. Or else, no sex. I'd feel so bad if he never got any. Was he a virgin? Yes, he was. And when did this come up? Like, how soon into meeting him? Right away.

He was really disappointed we were children He's not a pervert Sorry So wait, he checked your genitals and buttholes, I assume No, he asked us our ages, sir And then he said he wanted to fuck someone over 18 Due to the laws and Wizard Land And those are the laws there

The laws there are all different Except that one's the same So really? like the safety belt law does not exist. No, you have to use a... Everyone sits in a bucket seat. And what about video piracy? Oh, they love it. Murder?

They download your show all the time, sir. Well, that's nice that some alternate dimension people are watching it. They love it. What about murder? Murder? Oh, that's something they truly love. Really? These wizards love murder. Mm-hmm.

You don't say. All of their favorite movies are about murders. and every morning they wake up and kill someone. We got out just in time. He grabbed us and he trapped us inside of a rat lab. A rat lab? Like a maze? And he tested us and tried to test different things on us.

Like makeup? Yeah, he tested makeup on us and made us break out in super bad hives. Interesting. But JJ liked it. Like the makeup or like the hives? Both. The hives made him feel.

alive, he could finally scratch his body and feel something. And the lipstick, he felt good in his own body with that. He felt right. He's not here to explain that, so I'll keep going about it. Yeah. He loved wearing lipstick. He loved it so much. He finally confessed that he used to just try on mommy's lipstick all the time.

And when she died, he kept the whole collection. Really? And he lines it up in alphabetical order and then color order. Alphabetical by maker of the lipstick? lipstick? By the name of the type of lipstick. Like the name of the lipstick. Oh, I see. Like sexy or Pepsi. Okay.

And then by color. Yeah, as a different exercise. As a different subset. Interesting. What an interesting fellow... I miss him so much. Yes, I know. I know you do. Wow, I really miss him. Oh, geez. You're surprised that you miss him? Oh, a little bit. You know, we've been together ever since we were born. You know, we're Irish twins. We have barely

had any time apart. Yeah. But I thought, you know, maybe it'd be good for me to get a break from him. But now, Now I really miss him, huh? Well, let's try to find him. What do we need to do here? I mean, do you have any tips here? We could go to the last place that he... Like the forest?

I guess we could go to the forest, but we have to do the show. Go the forest? Three words? The answer to Sesame Street. Why won't you believe me? I'm not seeing the link between three and Sesame Street. The address of Sesame Street is one, two, three. Oh, right.

Okay. Well, because they're always saying, one, one, one. One chocolate cookie. I need this information. I'm imitating. One chocolate cookie. Two what? Two chocolate cookies. Three chocolate cookies. Chocolate cookies.

It's a clue. The last thing he ate was chocolate cookies. It was. We have to find his shit that smells like cookies. Then we'll find him. Do you think JJ maybe, you know, wanted to ditch you for a little bit? I mean, you've been together.

for so long nine years at this point. Why would you want that? Because I'm an annoying kid's sister. Is that what it is? I don't mean to say that. Oh, geez. That's mean, sir. Look, I don't mean that. I just mean maybe, you know, every man needs some alone time. Does he have a man cave? Yeah, he does. He does. How'd you know that? Well, I mean, everyone needs a place to get away, you know. What is his man cave like? Um, under my sheets in, are your bedbed? He makes me get naked, and then he goes in the man cave.

All right. We love each other, sir. I know you do. That's been established, sir. I know. Well... Are you sorry, you asked? I might be.

I didn't even know. You didn't know? I've blocked out a lot of our relationship. I feel like you're the victim here, you know. Thank you. Or he is, I don't know. And nobody's a victim. We love each other so much.

I know you do. Yeah. So you don't think that he'd just left on his own? I don't think he would do that to me. I don't think you would at all. He already asked me to be his date to prom in five years. When you're 14? Yeah.

And he's 15. And he gets to go to junior prom because he's cool. That's what we imagined. Okay. So in your... Every detective has a theory. Yeah. You know, a hypothetical.

You know, I mean, whatever. is the most obvious must be so. I think I'm probably paraphrasing that a little bit. But what do you think? What is your theory of what happened to him? I think the most obvious thing was that he's out to avenge our mother's death and he's going to go kill our dad and take his one last tooth. Why does your dad only have one tooth again? He's an old prospector. Why would JJ want the tooth? Because it's worth a lot of money, sir. Where? It's a solid gold tooth that he found when he was panning for gold. Really? He stuck it in his gum

He had bare gums He found a solid gold tooth Yeah, sir Jabbed it in his gums Yeah And it's just stuck there Yeah and it's worth One million dollars

Just like in Austin Powers It's just It's tiny like a tooth Right or is it a giant No it's the size of Do you have bricks in your house? I relate to bricks Without you asking me

If they're in my house I know what they are You have bricks in your house Yes Your house has made a brick? No, I mean, it's, no, it's drywall. You have bricks inside for some reason? No.

So you said, yes, why did you lie? You're my prime suspect. Why would you lie to me? Look, I'm not lying. You know where he is. Look, I didn't kill him. I just, you know. You didn't kill him.

I didn't say you killed him. I don't think he's even dead. Who starts off saying I didn't kill him? What did you do to him? Look, yeah, I lied, but it's not... Yeah, I lied. Three words. Ucker Mimibles.

You're the killer. You're the killer. Three words, you are. I don't live on Sesame Street. Okay, yeah, right. Prove it. Show me your house. Look, here's my legs.

What? People who live on Sesame Street don't have legs. What about Gordon? And Big Bird. That's true. Okay. Are you Big Bird? It makes sense.

I am tall and people say I look like a beard. A beard. Oh, Freudian slip. Hey, Dr. Freud. How do you know what a Freudian slip is? I've been to school. When do they start teaching that? In my extreme therapy school that I go to.

It's very good for me. Yeah, I would imagine. I take all my classes while I'm inside of this sauna or just my head sticks out. I sweat out my bad memories. Doesn't seem like it's working for you. What's bad? You define that, don't you?

I love my memories. They're all good. I love my brother. Yeah, I know you do. Well, look, I wish there was some way I could help, but I didn't kill him. I don't believe you. You keep telling me you didn't kill him. I didn't kill him.

Is he alive? I was certainly not up that tree. You weren't up the tree? No. Sir, I know what you're saying. You were up there and you killed him. You killed my. brother. Of course I didn't. No. I, I'm not a B. So you are a B? Why do you keep thinking? I'm just

telling you things that I didn't do or am not. But I'm not asking you. So you're just offering information that makes me think you're guilty. So you're not a B who didn't kill my brother. Yes. Both of those things are true. Oh my God. This is just like my girl. Thomas J. J. J. J. J. Killed by B's. You're a B. You killed my brother. No, I think JJ may have had a my girl situation happen to him. He may be allergic to bees. And you think a bee killed him?

Or several bees. And you think you're a bee? No, I'm not a bee. You just told me you were, sir. No, sir, I did not. I'm not a man. You never know genders, do you? Look, I would go back to the woods if I were you

and look at the area surrounding the tree and see if he was stung by bees and whether, you know, he went into shock or something. I guess I'll go back and look. Okay. Can you stick around, though? We have more show here. Yeah, I'll make him wait. Yeah. Thank you so much, sir.

Not the killer. I'll remember that. Okay. Please come back and visit me again. But can you stick around while we get to our next guest? Absolutely. I have nowhere else to be. Okay, well, you sort of do. Nowhere to be. Three words including the word be?

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You love a show? Just shows in general? Yes, that's right. What does he entertain you with? Well, I don't know. We're going to talk to him about that. Oh, good. He's an entertainer of sorts.

I don't have all of that information on me, but we're going to talk to him. Will you be sort of my co-host here? Absolutely, sir. Wow, what an honor. I've been missing my other half. You'll be a good replacement. Oh, okay. Well, I don't know that I want to do that necessarily,

but you can certainly talk to our next guest with me, if you like. Okay. I believe he's a children's entertainer, so that's... Wow. So, yeah, we'll see what happens with that. But he's a children's entertainer, and his name is Big Chunky Bubbles. Big Chunky Bubbles. Yeah, hello.

It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. Is it? It is. I'm fascinated by new people. Are you really? Are you going to question every single statement I make? Do you think I am? I do. I'm not.

Oh, okay. This is Murphy, Murphy O'Malleman. Oh, hi. Murphy's a child of nine years old. Yeah. I'm around kids a lot. Not my favorite. You don't like children?

No, and they don't like me. But you're a children's entertainer Yeah, it's the best I could do Meaning you wanted to be a regular entertainer Sure But kids with their ill-formed brains Were the only ones who enjoyed you? That almost seemed like a rude question

But it wasn't, you have to admit I have to admit I think it's because my particular act Maybe didn't capture the hearts and minds of adults What is your act? I mean, you're... My name is big chunky bubbles. But I mean, you're dressed like a magician.

You have a suit on and a top hat and a cape. That's right. I create bubbles. You create bubbles. What does that mean? Yeah. What do I mean? What does that mean?

Bubbles have to go from somewhere. Like... Create them. bubbles before you ask that. I'm not assuming you're going to hear. I don't want to hear like, oh, I was in a pool and I saw some bubbles. Did you make those?

No, I didn't. You saw bubbles in the pool? Sometimes you see bubbles in the pool. It's not uncommon. Or in a stream. It's usually when a fellow swimmer farts in the pool is when you see the... How rude.

Of them, yes. Both you. with an hypothetical person. So you make big chunky bubbles? I make big chunky bubbles. Listen, listen, listen, it's not funny. Anyone can make bubbles out of soap. It makes me sick.

I make bubbles out of various soups and porridge. That's why they call me big chunky bubbles. Do the kids get to eat them? Get to. They end up eating them. So let me get your process right. All right. Let's see how you do.

You're hired for a children's party. Right. Because someone has seen my ad in the newspaper. Or they've gotten one of my leave behind postcards at a previous event. once a month when I hire my skywriter. They've seen that in the sky. You hire a skywriter once a month.

Once a month! Did I stutter? What day do you do it? Do you do it on payday? Do you have any idea how it works in my line of work? The skywriting or the chunky bubble line of work? I'm not a skywriter. I make big chunky bubbles.

I get it. She gets it. Why are you teaming up against me? I'm mad at you I don't know I don't get it well there's not a payday I don't go every Friday

to the office the chunky bubble office and get my check you misunderstand I mean on people's pay days so that they have disposable income they look up in the sky why would I make that leap

if I were skywriting if hold on a second am I right folks that's asking a lot Boo! They're all booing. How do you know when everyone gets paid, sir? Yes, sir.

On the 15th and the last day of the month. Yes, thank you, one guy. I'm right. What about people have direct deposit? Direct deposit people at. I'm just saying. Real answers like detectives. Or like chunky bubble artists.

Are there any of those out here tonight? All right, I'm not going to defend. this point anymore. Good, because you're losing. All I'm saying is that were I hiring a Skyrider? Right. I would hire him on the 15th

because I know a lot of people get paid then. They would hire me that day. They go, oh, I have a lot of money in my pocket. Right, good plans. When do you do it? I hire Skyriders around the times when children's birthdays are most to occur. When would that be?

Days of the week. Is it me or is it him? I would also hire a Sky Rider on November 14th. Yeah, because their parents fucked on Valentine's. She gets it.

Great. Maybe a week before so they could plan it. So, you get hired by these parties. Yeah. You step out on stage. Yeah, I go in their backyard, their living room, wherever they decide to shuttle me off to.

Shuttle you off, you're the main attraction. Why don't they have a proper stage? For an artist of my caliber. No one has a proper stage. This place barely has a proper stage. Uh-oh, someone's going to write a blog about you. You better be careful. Got the giggles.

So you come out, you come out on, you know, in a non-on-on- poorly introduced by one of the parents every single time. Do they mess up your name, or they... They mess up everything. They don't know how to be in show business. Can you show us how they introduce you? Yeah. They're like, everybody's settled out, settle down, settle down, settle down.

Jordan, put that down. Brinkley, no. Brinkley? Yeah. Stop that right now. And they make all the kids sit down. They're yelling at them to the point of crying. That's not helping me much.

Then they say, all right, here's the entertainment, everybody. Very special. He's going to make bubbles. They don't even say my name, big chunky bubbles. And they don't say that you're going to make it out of soup either. No. They should prepare the... All right.

So once you're introduced then, what does your act consist of? You have big terrains of soup? Terranes. Do you mean Tarenes? That's my accent coming through. Oh. Sorry. I didn't know you're one of the lads from Liverpool or whatever.

I do have big Toreen of soup. A couple crock pots of stew. So it's hot? Yeah, piping hot. How big are the bubbles that you're making? Well, they range in size. That's what makes. breaks in a show.

Okay, I'm not suggesting that every bubble is the exact same size. Give me a range. Don't be so exasperated with me. I'm interested in you. Well, thank you for that. Not a lot of people are. Oh.

Talking to me. Hey, watch your language. I'm a children's entertainer, and there's a child here. What are you gonna say? What did all that soup just fall to your mouth while you were talking? I keep deposits of soup in my

my cheeks just in case I get booked for a last minute gig. Well, I was gonna ask you, are you in a relationship, sir? Not anymore. Oh. It's very sad. Oh, no. Oh, no. Sorry, I asked.

You had a wife or a girlfriend? I had a wife. Well, first she was my girlfriend. Then she became my wife. So I've had both. What was she before she was your girlfriend? A lady I met And before that?

Someone's child There's a baby waiting to be born in heaven, I suppose So she went from being someone's child To them being a lady you met Yeah In the space of how long It takes it for a young lady to start out on her own And leave the nest

But so she was never just a lady who didn't know you? She only became a lady when you met her Did you meet her on her 18th birthday? Hey! You guys asked some weird questions, and I answered that they're the best of my ability. What does this meet the press with Chuck Todd? Okay, I'm sorry.

So what happened to her? She died. Yeah. It was a terrible bubble accident. What happened? One of my Toreen's was too hot, and I was showing her a new bubble trick where I was going to make a square,

out of some Campbell's chunky soup. Well, she was too close because she was always very supportive. And she wanted to be right up center stage watching the action. And it scalded her face so bad, it went right through to the brain. That was some hot soup. Always feel bad about it like William Burroughs. I'm so, so sorry. Thank you.

That sounds sincere. I was. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir. Gee, I'm sorry. That sounds sincere, thank you. What do you?

Okay. Look. I call them like I see you. Do you have any, did you have any kids with her or? Yeah, I got three kids. Three kids? Yeah.

One, two, three. One, two, three, Sesame Street. Your kids murdered my brother. No, I don't think that, no. No, no. Oh, okay. So you have three kids. That must be difficult to raise them without their mother.

It's the worst. I can't stand them. What are they like? No, they're very disrespectful. There's twins, and then there's the one extra one. Was the extra one born first or last? Last. Oh, yeah.

And it was sort of like, oh, one more of thee. And what are their names? The twins are named Bobby and Robbie. Why? That's very confusing. Why? What do you mean? Well, Robert, Robbie is...

Yeah, Robbie. They're both short for Robert. What? Since when? That's not... Their names are Robbie and Bobby. Neither one of them is named. Robert!

All right, all right, all right. Well, you're making me upset. You're asking some very tough questions. You're getting upset. I'm not making you upset. Fair enough, I guess. You've been to therapy. What's your other kid's name? Tag.

He's the worst. Eight years old. I can't stand him. And how old are your twins? They're 12. Yeah. And what's Tag's problem? And why would you call him Tag?

Because he was like extra. Like a skin tag? Yeah, that's how I think of him. That's so sad for him. No, is it? He has a pretty good life. Why is that? Well, I provide for him.

Does he have a race car bed? Yeah. What? Yeah, he does. Lucky? It's sponsored by Dale Unser. Really? Yeah.

Does it actually drive? No, it doesn't drive. What's unusual? It's a race car. to be sponsored by a driver that never happened. Usually the cars have corporate sponsorship. Not the sponsorship of a sole driver. I give this guy everything.

What kind of mattress is on his race car bed? I'm glad you asked because I spared no expense. Well, although, did you spend a lot of money on the mattress? Well, truth be told, it was very reasonable. But it's a top of the line mattress, three layers of cooling comfort. Three layers? Three layers.

Three layers of cooling comfort. One, two, three. My brother's dead inside a mattress. Well, that reminds me if you want to be dead inside a mattress, our tour sponsor, Lisa Mattresses, thanks to them very much. But let me ask you,

big chunky bubbles. By the way, do you have a regular name or is that your stage now? I do have a regular name. Of course, I wasn't born big chunky bubbles. Ew. What? I just pictured you coming out inside of a big chunky bubble.

Well, I did. But that's not my name. That's not my name. That's not my name. All right, dingtings. I do have a regular name. What's your regular name? People don't like it.

Hit me with it. Pity amy. Like idiomene? No, an association in people's mind. It's one word? No, it's not one. Don't you know how names work, you dumb kid? No, I don't. Teach me, sir.

Don't you have a first name by the last name? Yeah, so? So do I. I get it now. ...than I thought. You're smarter on the uptake than tag. Well, I mean, you must be a very very much. very successful children's entertainer.

No, I'm not. Why not? I mean, you sound like you have a very unique act. I do, but the parents all get upset because my act is so much messier than regular bubble performers. When it pops,

it just scalds all of the children. Yeah, it's a bunch of soup. Yeah. It makes a mess, even if kids aren't scalded. I always make sure the kids are far enough away. They won't get burned. by the piping hot soup bubbles. How far away do they have to be?

Well, like, a good 30, 40 feet. Can they even hear your show? No. I mean, they say they can, but I'm good at projecting my voice. Are you? Yeah. What are you down?

Also, you were saying, I'll say to the kids, all right, here we go. You ever seen a bubble inside a bubble? And then they start, like, I'm like, shut up, shut up! I wasn't finished. You ever seen a bubble inside a bubble?

Made of soup! Does every one of your questions end with made of soup? A lot of them do. Some end with made of stew. So is your whole show just asking if anyone's ever seen a bubble made of soup and then you make a bubble with soup? I feel like that's very reductive.

Well, I'm having a birthday student and I want to know what your show's all about. Well, I make the bubbles, of course. but I also have a lot of fun. Hey, why is everybody ducking under when they go back to their seat like there's a helicopter in here? It's very distracting.

There's not a helicopter in here, is there? It's like an episode of MASH. Well, Murphy, you have a birthday coming up. You're having a birthday party in the afternoon sometime on a Saturday afternoon, or when are you having it? Yeah, I'll probably have it on a Saturday afternoon. after payday. Looks like my skywriting worked.

Okay, let me walk you through the show. Okay. Here's what it is. I get the terrible introduction from the parents. Well, from her dad, probably. Well, yeah, he's in the TV, and he probably won't talk to you. Most people can't hear him except me and my brother.

Did you say he's in the TV? It's a whole thing. Have you ever seen the cartoon of the old prospector? I guess I. That's my daddy. You seem troubled. It's just like Robbie, who's always like,

I can feel another skeleton inside me. Other than his own? Well, they were supposed to be triplets. That's what the doctor told us, and then when they came out, they were just twins who were like, I guess he was wrong. But every once in a while,

Robbie says, oh, the base of my neck. the base of my neck. It's like someone's trying to scream. And I'm like, can't I read the paper piece? New York Times? The Daily News. You sing it?

Is that your favorite song? I love that song. New York State of Mind by Billy Joe. Oh, so good. The Daily News. Some folks like to get away. You have a beautiful voice. Thank you.

I sing at the end of my show. You do? Yeah. What do you sing? I give these kids a good show. What do you sing? I'll sing the song of my own composition. Would you sing a little bit for us?

I love to. Sure. I love to do my act for free again. I close my show. Here's the thing. I'll walk you through the show. I come out. Terrible introduction from the parents.

Okay, shut up. get out of here. I say the kids, move back, move back. I turn off the sterno, and I get my wand. And I say, all right, all right. Who here's seen bubbles before? And everybody's like, me, and I'm like, that's good, that's good.

It's a rhetorical question. They don't know what that means. Do you know what rhetorical means? You're not supposed to answer it. Oh, look at this. Go to the head of the class, child. Wait, was that a rhetorical? No.

Good. So you don't know what one is? I'm confused. I was genuinely asking if she knew what a rhetorical question was, then she answered it, so it wasn't a rhetorical question? Exactly, I get it. That was a good lesson. You guys are driving me crazy. So then I take my wand, I dip it in a tureen.

You use a bubble stick? Yeah, that's the wand. Okay. the end. What a strange question. I know a wizard who'd want to know. It's just round for bubbles. That would probably be better for him.

Anyway, go on. Thanks. So I divv it in some soup. What flavor is the soup, by the way? We haven't talked about that. Most of it's beef stock. Every once in a while it'll be an alphabet soup.

Very rarely it'll be a gazpacho. You should use gazpacho more. The bubbles aren't as good. I'll dip it in there. They start waving around. The bubbles start forming. I got smaller ones that I dip into a stew. And then I make smaller bubbles to go into the other bubbles.

Now sometimes I'll pull out a cigarette to blow smoke into the bubbles. That's when the parents go crazy. I'm like, it's herbal, relax. Then I do all the bubbles. These stupid kids are like, so what? I want to play video games. And then I close with my song.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. You forgot about my song. I was so into the show. Could you see it in your mind? Yeah, I love those stinky bubbles. Makes the kids hungry, then they eat all their cake. Wait, you're trying to get them to eat cake?

Like, that's a problem? It's a birthday party. Yeah, but I've never known a party of kids who didn't want to eat their cake. The results speak for themselves. Okay, I don't know that you're having any effects on this. After my show, those kids eat that cake. K's closed. So I close with my song.

Your life is just speaking. Eat my show. And I've seen you down below. Oh, boy. Oh. You are too. You are too. An important theological message there.

Well, I mean, I'm not particularly religious. It's more of a metaphorical thing. Really? Well, these kids are jerks. I don't like them. All right. Well, thank you, big chunky bubbles. Big chunky bubbles here.

What can you stick around? I literally. A lot of people have been saying that recently. You're the first person I believe it. Aren't hosts supposed to be not rude? Well, we have another guess, so I have to get to him. Is that all right? I don't care.

You don't care anymore? No. I love it. Hey, don't I kind of pop him. Don't I con to pop me? I'm sorry. Get on your knees and beg for forgiveness. What?

Why would I get on? You say, I'm sorry. Why am I getting on my knees to beg for forgiveness? Give me. Look, she's into some weird shit. Kids. This one in particular. When people hear that Mint Mobile plans are only 15 bucks a month, a lot of people wonder, hey, what's the catch, sweetheart?

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Quince.com slash freedom. All right, well, we have to get to our next guest. He's an entrepreneur. We've spoken to him once before on the show. I believe he owns a series of chain restaurants by the name of Culver's. A series of chain restaurants. A series of restaurants that belong to one chain. How is that?

Well, I like that. Okay. By the name of Culvers, please welcome Don Darling to the stage. Hi, Don. How you doing? How's it going? It's going well, how are you? Hey, great, all these Ws around here for Wisconsin, my home state.

That's where I'm from. Yeah, no, I get it. That's where I live and reside. Yeah, I know, yeah, no, I realize that. Yeah. Yeah, that's where your home address is. Yeah, that's right. And my empire of Culver's restaurants in Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Right, yes. Now, for those of you who haven't heard Don's episode, you have an army, not an army, you have a... A series? You try to talk this much and see how it comes out. I guess you're right. I'm sorry.

But you own a lot of restaurants. What's that? I was going to say, now, beg. Who, do you? You beg to him. For forgiveness. He said he's sorry. I'm not going to beg him.

Please. You just want to see people on that. their knees. Yeah. I hear that. I'm a sugar daddy. Yeah. Don is a sugar daddy. How many women are you sponsoring? Well, right now none.

The most recent, once again, left to pursue a nursing degree at one of the state colleges in Wisconsin. Which I was fine with because she's about to turn 24, which, as you know, is my cutoff. Right. Once women turn 24, you no longer want

to be their sugar daddy. Hashtag gross. Are you looking up a lot of things on Twitter with the hashtag of gross? Yep. Hashtag gross. Hashtag sunrise. Hashtag beef. Hashtag butter.

You ever do hashtag big chunky bubbles? I try to keep it to just one word after the hashtag. Big chunky bubbles is, that's quite a mouthful. Big chunky bubbles sounds like something that we, have as a special at one of my Culver's restaurants. Now, did you know that Culver's is the home of the Butterburger? The Butter Burger. The Butter Burger.

It's a regular beef paddy cooked in all butter. For you to tempt fate with. Is that how it's advertised as something that may or may not kill you when you have it? No, that's just me at my personal franchise, of which I own three. Right. You own three restaurants. I own three Culver's restaurants. Three Culver's restaurants.

Three. Three. One, two, three. One, two, three. Sesame Street. That's where you're from. You know where my brother is. What'd you do to my brother, you murderer?

I haven't killed anyone, but if he's dead, I'll use his flesh for butterburgers. That's, I don't... Well, that's a fair offer. This guy seems very reasonable. Okay. I'm not great at relating to children. I mainly stick to women ages 18 to 24. Yeah.

How do you find these women when they turn 18? Well, a lot of them contact me through my website, dandarling.weebley.com. Forward slash sugar daddy. You can't just go to the dot com and then click on a link of the sugar daddy at the top of the page. You have to go to the... That'll go to a page 404. Oh, okay.

You got to put in the forward slash to get to me. Right. Because it's a Weebly page. Right. What? What's Weebley? Weebley is a way to build a website. It's a Weebley.

That didn't clear anything up. Well, all right. My apologies. I don't know how to explain it another way. It's a Weebly page. It's a website building tool. We're Squarespace people here, so... Build it beautiful.

No, they don't have a slogan anymore. Just do it. Maybe you're born with it. Squarespace. Maybe you're born with a website? Yeah. What if everyone got a domain name when they were born? They probably do now.

Yeah. Probably. I had to go out and get my own in my hunt for the perfect sugar baby. Now, I tend to find a lot of co-dependent ladies that are pursuing a degree in nursing at some point in time. You date exclusively nurses? Well, that's, you know, every time the coin is flipped,

that's the side it lands on. Now, me personally, I always target women that remind me of my mother or sisters. I like it. Oh, thank you. It's not a perversion. It's just what I know, you know. It's what you're attracted to do.

Who knows what you're attracted to? Maybe you showered with your mother when you were three years old, and you were like, that's the feminine ideal. You know? Yeah, who didn't? Where'd you come up with that idea? Seems like a very specific example. Who knows why we think any of these things?

Seems like you have a specific reason why you think that. No one else here thought of that at all. I'm just saying, you know, the mind, human sexuality. It plays funny tricks on us. Absolutely, absolutely. That's why I finally became honest with myself about wanting to be a sugar daddy and provide for someone in a relationship

that had limited emotional attachment. Right. You don't like to get too close to these women. I really don't. Sorry, let me rephrase that. I really don't, period. You know, I'm 47 years old. I'm not looking to get married.

I'm certainly not looking to get kids. You think it's the end of the line for you? I do, I do. I've thought a lot of people come to me and they say, Don, what are you going to do if you pass away? Don't you want to have an air so that you can give these Culver's restaurants to somebody? And I say, no, the day I die, they burn to the ground. Is that in your will?

That's in my will. I've got a pacemaker in right now, and as soon as it stops, it sets off an ignition switch in all three restaurants. It's like a speed situation? Yeah. Will it alert the customers? Or the employees? There's a 10-second countdown.

Ten seconds! Yeah, and Closer to Free by the Bodine starts playing. And then it all goes up in flames, baby. You know the Bodine's? Is it ten seconds from the beginning of the Bodine song?

Yeah, closer to free, the iconic riff. Go ahead and sing a little bit of it. Beo do, do, do, do, do. Everybody one, everybody two, everybody three and then the fire starts by the time it hits three

because that's ten seconds of the song pretty much I was probably speeding up the song right yeah so so these women they're they're all nurses because that I mean it's an expensive school to go to I would imagine that's how it's played out I haven't targeted nurses and I'm not I'm not a

you know I'm not some aggressive guy out there I just put it out there If you want to get paid in Culver's gift cards in exchange for limited romantic contact, I'm your guy. When you say limited romantic contact, what do you make these women do? Well, you know, the first time that I was on the podcast,

I explained the baseball system, right? I did the baseball analogy. Go through it again here for the people. First base is a $10 Culver's gift card. I guess what I'm wondering is what does first base mean to you? Not what you pay them for, but... Is it the traditional first base that we're talking? Except I'd like to throw in a lot of eye contact while kissing.

Okay. I hate to close my eyes when I'm aroused. Why'd you look at me? Honestly, I was trying to look at big chunky bubbles. You just got in the way. Why were you looking at me? Hey, stranger. Do you know each other?

It feels like you only say that when you know someone. You don't say hey, stranger to an actual stranger. Hey, stranger. What if he went around saying that to every single person you didn't know? I mean, I know Scott, and I'm not going to call a child stranger. But I will call that gentleman down there, stranger. Why don't you call me Big Chunky Bubbles? That's my name. I don't feel like I know you well enough to call you Big Chunky Bubbles.

It's a strange name. Anyone can call me that. Why can we call you your real name, Pidiamine? Makes people sad when they remember Ediamine, the terrible dictator. As portrayed by Forrest Winnicer in the Oscar-winning film, The Last King of Scotland. In one of my Culver's locations, The Last King of Scotland is constantly playing on the television.

Why? It makes people hungry. Wait, is this another birth? cake situation just because they're eating doesn't mean that it's making them hungry. Oh, well, I haven't connected those dots. Oh, dots, that made me

hungry for that candy that comes on paper. Yeah, it's so filling. It's delicious. I like the paper part. I eat the paper, too. I roll it in a ball and eat the whole thing at once. Crunch, crunch, crunch. I eat it up

in the microwave till it's just a big mess. So, Don, why did you come here? Well, I came to put the word out that if anyone wants to move to Sheboygan, Wisconsin, and be my next sugar, baby, then it's, I'm open for business, you know? Whoa! How are you above the age of 25, ma'am? Oh, realize your mistake or right in the middle of it. I mean, the best way to check someone to see if they're lying is to just ask them again.

I guess. Well, sorry, miss, but 24 is the cutoff, all right? I'm not in the business of, I don't know, actually 24 is just arbitrary. Whatever. You would go above 25 then? If someone could convince me that the number 25

was the number 24, yeah, I would go there. But that's why I came on. I came out to throw it again. Once again, my sugar baby has left me for a nursing program in the greater Wisconsin area. And I'm on the... the prowl again, except I'm not really prowling. My back hurts, and I tore my hamstrings getting in and

out of my escalade. I tore the left one getting out. I tore the right one getting back in. But luckily, one of the culvers that I'm on is at the top of the hill and I live at the bottom. So I just put it in drive and rolled. And then I got down and I pressed the break with my hand. Then I reached up and I put it in park. And I crawled into my house. You've been there. It's the same thing as when you said, you know, that thing about being three years old and looking at your naked mom. No.

That was hypothetical. So that's what I'm looking at. And, you know, ideally you're under 24 years old. And if you want to look like my mom or sisters, that's great. You should have a bob, and in the back it should be spiky hair. They all have the same haircut? Mom in the front, Lincoln Park, limp biscuit in the back. That turns me on.

I don't want to leave Wisconsin. I came here as a favor. To whom? I guess my travel agent. Does he own a travel agency called travel agency? Yeah, travel agent, comma, see? I know that guy.

He wanted to get me more Marriott points. Yeah. And his parents go and they hurry you along? Yeah. Okay, yeah, anyway. What are you talking about? Never mind. So, what qualities do you want other than just physical in a woman?

Well, physical is definitely number one on the list. And there have been times in my life where there's only one thing on the list. But I'm an older man, so I like companionship. Sure. So number two is probably knowing the entire catalog of Violent Femmes. The Milwaukee Band Violent Femms. Iconic Wisconsin-Milwaukee Band. Number two is, you know, be able to eat.

two butter burgers in front of me without burping or flinching? Flinching? Like you're going to hit her? Like her, what do you do? Are you, like, holding your fist up the entire time? Jeez, you got a pretty negative opinion of me. Well, why would she flinch? It's like, what's making her flinch when she's eating a burger besides someone's slapping her?

Well, the butter coursing through her system, of course. Oh, I think I'd, you know. in it. Big chunky bubbles, have you ever thought of using hot butter in your act? I tried it briefly. But it was too

hot. So you have your standards. More trouble than it's worth. Also, have you seen the price of butter? I guess that's something I don't pay attention to. Oh, must be nice.

If you can accurately tell me the price of butter, Right now, I'll give you $10. Where I'm from? Yeah. But there's $8 a pound. I don't believe you. Well, you're welcome to come with me to where I live

and go to the grocery store, walk down the dairy aisle with me and see for yourself. Where do you live again? Well, I don't know. You know, Murphy here, maybe you aspire to be when you grow up. up. Maybe you aspire to be... A sugar baby? I don't know. How can

someone train themselves to be a sugar baby? Yeah, how do I train myself to be an aspiring nurse who wants you to pay for my school? Honey, just run out of luck. Well, I feel like I'm already well on my way there. No, no, no. Life takes lots of twists and turns, all right? I'm not advocating this arrangement for anybody in particular. I'm just saying at my point in life,

you know, I'm not looking for a spouse. I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I'm looking for someone to come over a couple times a week, watch Colombo with me, put me to bed fully clothed, and leave on her own volition. You wanted to put you to bed fully clothed? Is she dressing you and putting more clothes on you?

By the time I finish a full day's work at one of my culvers, I am next to naked. What? Wait. Why? You work at your culvers, first of all? I wake up at seven.

I open my first culvers on Washington Street. I go to the next one. Washington Street. Washington Street. Is that a clue? From a previous mystery. I don't think that you're dead brother. Your brother's dead?

We don't know that. That's the thing. I don't think he is. He thinks he's dead too, see? Wait, why does everyone think that? I'm just repeating what people are saying. I think he's dead, though. It sounds like he's dead. Why, just because he scaled a tree like he was in a Twilight movie?

He did? Yeah. He's definitely dead. Okay, now I don't know if there's enough evidence for this. If I did that, I'd be dead in a heartbeat. A butter-soaked heartbeat. Provided by your pacemaker? Yeah, my pacemaker.

Geez, every once in a while I got to take it out and wash the butter off it. That's a pacemaker joke. I can't take it out. Goes over well with the pacemaker crowd. I get one or two laughs before they have to calm themselves down. So then you open up your first one on Washington Street. That's at 7 a.m. Do you have staggered opening times for all of your restaurants?

Yeah, I don't trust anyone to manage the restaurants. So I stagger the opening time. 7 a.m. that gets a pretty good rush. My employees come in. 7.30 a.m. for store number 2. 8 a.m. for store number 3. And then I close them. 10 p.m. for store number 1.

10.30 p.m. for store number 2. 11 p.m. for store number three. And by that time, I am completely naked. This is what I'm not getting. What? Are you playing strip restaurateur? What is happening? I don't know how you guys closed doors,

but I always closed them with an item of clothing in it, and then walk away, and it rips off my body. Every time? Every time. Like a cartoon? Yeah, every single time. Usually it's pants first, and then I waddle over to store number two, pantsless.

Pants first. Then it's Blazer second. That rips off. Then at the third store, it's usually my shirt. And there I am in nothing but the jockstrap. Why are you wearing a jockstrap? Well, I like the front to be covered, but the back to be free-flowing. I don't know why. That's gross.

I think it was the phrase free-flowing. If you ate three Culver's meals a day, you'd understand that free-flowing is a great thing. Custard tends to stop the pipes, if you know what I mean. And I'm talking about when you pour the rest of the custard of the day into the toilets because it'll go bad overnight. Right. Yeah, no, I got what you meant. Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, thank God.

Well, I wish you well. I mean... Thanks. Do you want me to leave? No. Maybe there's someone out here who would like to be his new... I mean, we obviously not you, ma'am, but no, sorry. Oh, that's really nice. A guy pointing at his girlfriend. Cool.

They're not together. You're not together. Uh-oh, better put the kiss cam on them to be sure. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. That they're just knocking heads. They just sland their heads together. That looks like it hurts. I don't know if they're human.

They might be aliens. Well, you can go to my Weebly page and submit a request. There's just a little question there that you fill out for me to screen you to make sure that you're not six or seven guys waiting to beat me up in Sheboygan Park. What are these questions? Can you go through them here? Are you a woman? Are you less than 24 years old? Do you want to be my sugar baby? What's up? Which one tells you that they're not?

Not six or seven guys. Is it what's up? Yeah, because that's the essay question. And usually they reveal themselves to be? Usually six or seven guys can get through the first three questions, no problem. But then what's up? It's like, I'm a sugar baby. Wouldn't it be fun if I kicked your ass with my friends in a park?

And then I'm like, wait a minute. This isn't a woman named Abigail. This is six or seven guys. Hey. You also include a CAPTCHA to make sure there's no robots answering your questionnaire? That's right. Unfortunately, it's the same one. It's always one, two, three, four, five.

If you type that in, then it proves that you're not a bot. A bot. I learned that recently. A bot. I don't know what you're saying. Bat, B-O-T, bat. Okay. A bat.

An internet bat. A spam bot. What's that? A spam bot. A spam bot. Something subversive sent to us from one of the three Matrix movies. To ruin our society and ensure that we someday turn into the Matrix movies. You learned this the other day.

Yeah. Okay. It's in the director's commentary, The Matrix 2. A lot of people think that's the worst one of the trilogy. I agree. I don't know how we got into film criticism here. Well, I got a few things to say. All right, let's hear.

What do you got? How come in the Willy Wonka movies? Willie Walker got so mad at kids chewing gum. I have a question, too. Sure. Are you going to answer his? Oh, I didn't know. I thought it was rhetorical.

Do you know what that means? Yeah. Was I supposed to answer that? No, I wasn't either. It was rhetorical. Thank you. And look who's talking. Do you think, like, the parents of the kids who were in, Look Who's Talking, ever said,

look who's talking when they started talking? Like the parents of the child baby actors? When they finally learned to talk? When they finally learned to talk. Do you think everyone said, look who's talking? About the child actors in real life. Yeah. That's my movie.

It's my movie question. And then they would laugh at it, I assume. At it, yeah, the kid. I guess so, yeah, I assume that they must. So you are answering all the questions? Yeah, I'll take them all. I got another question then. All right, what do you have?

How come in Raiders of the Lost Ark? All the stuff that happened would have happened without Indiana Jones. Stuff just happens. He's just there. At the end of the movie, he's tied to a pole. the least climactic climax in movie history. Well, it's just God's wrath.

He's not doing anything. All he did was murder a bunch of people. I've got an Indiana Jones-related rhetorical question. Okay, go ahead. Do you think that when Adolf Hitler signs the Grail diary, it increases or decreases the value? All right, that's our show.

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