Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Portland, OR 2016 (Late Show)

Episode Date: July 30, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance, May 24, 2016 from Revolution Hall in Portland, OR - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, Lauren Lapkus as Pamela from Big Bear and Tim Baltz as Kyle Bennet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here. and welcome to another episode of Threatom. Now, I know what you're thinking. Is he going to say that Paul and Lauren aren't here again? I've been listening for the past four weeks.

Yes, I am, because this might be someone's first episode. Why is it just me and not Paul and not Lauren? That's because Threatom is on hiatus until September, and we're enjoying our relaxing vacation. We're all in a hot tub together currently. In fact, Paul and Lauren are next to me. right now. They're flanking me in this hot tub, but they don't want to say anything right now. Anyway, we're on vacation, and until we come back in September, we thought we would

release some of our live episodes from Comedy Bang Bang from 2016. This is the Comedy Bang Bang Tour 10 years ago, where Lauren and Paul and I got to know each other very well and spent a lot of time on the road together and was perhaps the impetus for starting the podcast freedom. In fact, I know it was. I don't need to say perhaps, because I was there. So what are we hearing tonight? This is May 24th, 2016, Portland, Oregon Revolution Hall 10 p.m. Now, in Portland, Oregon, when we do shows there at Revolution Hall, we, it's not big enough to do just one show. So we need to do two shows to fit everyone in who wants to go see them. And so we do an early show and a late show. This is the late show. And if you haven't,

heard Comedy Bang Bang before. It's basically a fake talk show. I'm the host as myself, and I have comedians on playing fake characters. So on this particular episode, we have Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber. We have Lauren Lapkis as Pamela from Big Bear. And we have Tim Baltz as Kyle Bennett, Tim Bultz from The Righteous Gemstones. You may know him. He was brought on on this part of the tour to give us a boost of energy. Now, there's a couple of things I need to explain. if you're going to listen to this. First of all, for some reason that I don't remember, but listening back to this, I remember it happening, the first five minutes of this show was not recorded. So here's what you're missing. You're missing my intro. You're not really missing much.

And me introducing Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber. And then basically we, I ask Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber how he starts his day and he says he always wakes up in the morning and does his vocal warmups saying Bill Bixby. And that's where the episode starts. So that's all you need to know about what happened before the recording machine started working. The other thing is Lauren had to go in the middle of the episode. So she does her thing and then takes off. Why? We'll talk about it later on a future episode. But that's all you need to know to enjoy this. So we're going to be, Again, be back in September with new episodes. And if you like these live episodes, Paul and I are out there on tour with Comedy Bang Bang right now.

We're going to be hitting the west coast of the United States and also Vancouver in about a week or so, I believe. And then we're going to be doing the southwest of the United States in September. And then Los Angeles, September 19th. So check out all of the dates and get tickets over at CBBWorld.com slash tour. Okay, enjoy this episode. We're going to be back in September with new ones. And this is Freedom, aka Comedy Bang Bang. Portland, Oregon, my goodness.

Bill Bixby. Bill Bixby. Bill Bixby. Almost as if you're seeing him after several years of being apart from him. Here's what it is. I put it in my mind that I thought I saw him

run past my doorway. And I think to myself, well, it couldn't have been Bill Bexby. Why would it be him of all the people to run past my bedroom door? And so I say to myself, I prop myself up on the pillows. My breakfast tray is already placed before me. My servants know to bring it the precise moment before I awaken. Before you wake? Yes.

So it's thou when I'm awake. How do they know the precise moment you're going to wake up? I'm asleep. and then they put it on me and then they shoot a pellet at the rooster. And I wake up, Booah! Bill Bexby?

Do you ever turn it into a rhyme like, is that Bill Bixby wrapping at my door? Tis Louferigno? Nothing more? No. Just checking? Well, that was Edgar Allan Poe.

He's an American author. Yes, he's an American poet. Yes. We have plenty of poets to choose from where I'm from, dear boy. Don't you understand what I'm so true? Do you, uh, lyrics are a form of poetry, are they not?

Yes, they are. Lyrics, when you look at them, just upon the page. If you didn't know any better, you'd think someone snuck in and stuck a lousy old poem in front of you. Are lyrics meant to be read? I kind of feel like it's cheating, you know? Like, like lyrics aren't meant to be read. they're meant to be heard, sung. Do you mean read aloud?

No, I mean even like red on the page. Well, that's how you learn the lyrics. You learn the lyrics by listening to the songs, my dear boy. That is bang out of order. I am not your dear boy.

You are all occasion, my dear boy. Why can't you be my dear boy because I am a lord. I have been knighted by a man. Majesty the Queen. Describe that ceremony. We've never talked about this.

I thought you never asked. Here's what it is. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I've been talking to you for seven years. Yes. Believe me. You've been waiting for this? Every second of it.

All right, tell me about this. What happens is you get word. The Queen should like tonight you. And then you say, oh, me, I am not worthy of your praise. You're by the Queen. please, please throw me into the Tower of London for the rest of my days rather than grant me this wonderful honor

you have to do this. Sure, you don't actually feel that way. Of course not, I deserve it. So you go to Buckingham Palace and then you knock on the door and they say, yes, may I help you? Do you have to get past those guards first, the ones you don't talk? You have to make them laugh.

Really? How did you do that? You see the tourists come to London town and they think, well, I'm not allowed to touch those guards with their ridiculous hats. So they just make funny faces at them? They make funny faces? Well, of course, I don't know a laugh at that. You're American. American funny faces are not the same as British

funny faces. What's the difference? Show us the difference here. Right. You pull a funny face for me right now. All right. Here we go. Ready? Let's see if I laugh. Ooh. So dreadfully American. Pulling the corners of your mouth apart

and seeing your tongue out, rolling your eyes about. What would the British do? Observe. Well, I mean, it was funny. Do you see? Do you see? And so, you tickle them under the arm, armpits.

They have to let you go. They've collapsed in laughter. And do they speak then? say you may pass. Their throats have been torn out. By corgis? Their voice boxes have been chewed away by corgis. That's why they were those high colors

of the uniforms, dear boy. What a terrible story. A chilling tale, to be sure. Are they giving the job to people who this has already happened to, or do you get the job and then they do it to you? It's a bit of both. I mean, if someone shows up saying,

I ain't got no voice box, go. they're certainly happy to give the corgis a rest. Now then, you get past the guards with the silly hats. Then they say, oh, you were here for the knighting? And you say, yes, thank you very much. You're placed into a room,

a little tiny room with the other aurores who are going to be knighted. And it's very small. It's like a little crate. You're in there like a bunch of veal and touching each other. It's one thing after you're knighted

to touch other knighted people. It's a pleasure. But before it happens, they're common people touching you. They're not peers of the realm. Business people, things like that. Who were you with? Oh, who was I with? That awful Richard Branson.

Okay, you don't like him, huh? I don't... Who travels about in a balloon? We've invented planes. He owns a bunch. In Scotland. This is exactly what I'm saying. Now, you don't see the head of the Chrysler Motor Cars Corporation

riding around in a car being pulled by some stupid horse. You would get fired if that happened. I should say so. Sat immediately. Anyway, you're in the little room. And then a fellow comes to the door. He's got a white wig on.

He's dressed like a ridiculous pop and jay. breeches a coat with a great number of buttons waistcoat going down to his ankles practically and he says the queen would like to stick a sword

next to your face words to that effect okay I was going to say you must be paraphrasing and so so they play the music some sort of queen thing and then like the band queen

no they're not We will rock you. Do you know, Scotrick, the moment the words came out of my mouth, I regretted them. Your cheek, your cheek in my game, I'm teaching your cheek. Stop touching me. I touch you alike, because I come from the theater. Now then.

Wow. That was some Indiana Jones shit. So then, you must process slowly and stately. to the throne room you walk forward everyone is there everyone who's anyone in the English society

all of the previous lords and ladies all of them even their ghosts the ones who are dead you can see them on this one day you can see all of them they're terrible faces looking at you from old-fashioned eyes Even Lance a lot? Yes, he's there.

The whole rounding table is there. King Arthur, Merlin. How did Merley get in here? Oh, he's the worst. He's not a lord? He's been granted many honors by all of the succeeding kings and queens from King Arthur onwards.

So he has an honorary lordship? Yes, he does. Almost like what Bill Cosby has. Bingo. So, process down the aisle. Here she is, there she is, at the end of the, at the end of the, there's the queen of England. Oh dear, what am I going to do? Will I say the wrong thing?

Will I say, oh, I voted for the other queen? You walk forwards, and then you are forced to kneel down. She looks at you. She looks down her nose at you, even though she's a tiny little old lady. Somehow she looks down her nose at anyone. Yet you know, oh, I must kneel before my sovereign, the queen of England. Down I go On one knee out of respect

For the crown Then she pulls out her bloody great sword And it makes a sound like in the films Sheing! Yes, I had it, thank you I wanted to say it though It's so fun to say it is fun to say Yeah

Sheing We've done it again She has a sword Yes the queen has it for just this express purpose but also I suppose to defend herself should anyone attack Buckingham Palace Also if she's the last one alive to commit suicide I would imagine

but just so she's not questioned Scotrick the very idea that her way to see the queen would commit suicide I will forgive you because of course you do not know the protocols that are in place

there are protocols in case of... Of course there are... Scotrick, were you born just this? Just a fortnight ago? Ten days? Two weeks. Two weeks. Scotrick, there must be protocols to protect the crowd rule.

What are the... I mean... Should, silence! Everyone here is forbidden to tell anyone about this. And anyone listening to this podcast, or a version, don't ever tell anyone that you heard this.

Do they need to make an oath or something? Yes, of course they do. Please raise your right hands. I do hereby swear. I do hereby swear. Under pain of death by Almighty God. Under pain of death by Almighty God. I shall not reveal the secrets I am about to hear.

I shall not reveal. the secrets I'm about to hear. Yeah, sorry, here. Should Buckingham Palace be breached by invaders? Should Buckingham Palace? No, stop it. It's over. The open zone.

You saw that I put my hand down. Sorry. Should Buckingham Palace be invaded? And the queen is the only one left to defend herself with her knighting sword. She does not kill herself. Instead, she emits a high-pitched whistle

that only her corgis can hear. And they know when they hear this particular note they are to devour her majesty the queen. Leaving only a stern skeleton to look at the invaders as if to say, you thought you were going

to kill the queen, did you? Well, some corgis beat you to it, mate. So then, you kneel before her mother of the queen. You look about her. that craggy face all that she has seen

World War II the present she raises her nighting sword it glints in the light reflected in it are the ghosts of all the lords and ladies from years past

I don't like it down comes the sword she takes care to draw a little bit of blood from your ear to let you know who's Queen. Then she goes over the other side. She enjoys watching you flinch because you think she's going to do it again. But she doesn't. Then she says, rise, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. And that is

how I came to be knighted. Wow. That is fantastic. It's fantastic. What a wonderful story I just told. Congratulations. and then... Oh, thank you. It was quite some time ago. And then what's the ceremony when you get a lordship? They send you a certificate

that you know you've been upgraded. Do you have to cash in points for that? No, you do have to get a new driver's license with your revised title. Right. Oh, so your title is on the driver's license? Of course it is. Oh, that's so interesting.

Could you imagine? A policeman pulling over a lord and not realizing he was a lord and how he talked to him. Of course he talked to him completely differently. Is it like a get out of jail free card? Of course it is. What's the worst crime you've ever committed

than the police... Scotryk. Everyone's taken the oath. I committed a very minor regicide. Regicide. Not one of ours. For another country? Yes.

Do you mind saying which country? Sweden. Was it under orders? Or was it for fun? It was... Well, you know, I was chatting with the queen not long after I became a lord. And you're entitled to chat with the queen after that.

That's one of the perks of being a lord. Is that fun? No. It's uncomfortable. It's sort of like, we're work friends, do you know? Searching for common ground. She'll say, have you talked to the Prime Minister today? And I'll say, no, I have not.

She'll say, oh, yes, I forget. That's the thing that I do. Sometimes I think she rubs it in, that she's the queen. Yeah. There was something she said about hating the King of Sweden. And I took her to mean that she wanted him dead. And so I hopped on a plane, went to Sweden,

pretended to put on a private showing of one of my musicals for the King of Sweden. Which musical? Which one do you think? Cats. No. Oh. Phantom? No.

Starlight Express. Of course it was Starlight Express. My greatest musical. Okay. Can you name one song from that? Again, we've been through this, darling. Yes, we have. Other than Starlight Express.

Of course I can. So, no, we... Don't help. So during the climactic closing number of Starlight Express, the climax, yes. Song, whose title I'm intimately acquainted with?

I crept behind the gig of Swir in his royal box. And, in the style of Hamlet, poured poison in his... Is that the most effective means to kill someone? It worked like a treat. It went, he immediately died.

And then, did you go back and tell the queen what you had done? Yes, I did. How did she take it? She said, Thank you. I didn't need you to do that. But I will admit now that it's done, I'm not sad. No jail.

Well, congratulations. again. Thank you again. Well, Lord Weber, it's so great to see you. It's so great to have you. You're my rock in this program. You know that. What? How is that so? I cling to you. Do you? This is the way you cling to me, is it?

Derailing my stories. Derailing? You willfully misunderstanding words. Come on. You know it's not like that. Don't like those ways you'll speak to me. Very familiar. Well, Lord Weber, we have other guests on the show. What I think would be fun is if you were to sort of be my co-host on the show. Oh, I say.

Yeah, my Ed McMahon. Well, luckily for you, I have literally nowhere else to go. Great. Well, why don't we get to our first guest then? I don't know why we don't. Is this what you had in mind? No, no, no, no. Let's work on your co-hosting a little bit.

Oh, I'm just trying to fit in the style of your performance. I'm very contemptuous of me, am I? Well, I'm very... Scotrick, you know I'm very fond of you. Because you enjoy the musical theater. I do. I'm one of your biggest fans.

Is that so? I was out there... Name two songs from Starlight Express. Now do you see why I didn't say the names? This was a test for you. You got me. Let's keep it moving. Starting a business is a big deal.

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I don't, I have no idea who you're going to introduce. You don't know who's coming out. Were you talking backstage? No. You don't talk to anyone backstage? I stand in a corner and look at the wall. Would you approach someone who was doing that? No.

Exactly. It works like a job. All right. Well, I'm forgetting her details of what job she has. Exactly. All I know is she's from Big Bear. Please welcome Pamela from Big Bear. Yeah.

Yeah. What up, motherfuckers? Oh, Pavlo from motherfucking Big Bear, bitch. Suck my clit, ooh. I forgot that that is your catchphrase. It's a lot to take right off the bat. Suck my clit about it, bitch. Wait, now it's suck my clit about it, bitch?

If you think it's too much, suck my clit about it, bitch. Your fucking shit rag. It's very bold. I can't believe I tracked it. your ass down and you let me come on the stage again. Last I saw you was North Carolina. Mm-hmm.

And I can't remember anything we talked about. Me neither, bitch. It don't matter. We got new stuff to talk about tonight. Yeah. Like, I hate your damn ass. Damn, I hate your ass so bad. I want to smack your ass.

I want to smack you in your damn head. Why did you track me down then? What business do we have? It sounds like she tracked you down to smack your damn head. She stated her, but she stated very clearly, this is what she wanted to do. Because your show's too dirty, bitch. I can't tell you, man, you gotta clean up your content, bitch.

My kids be listening to shit. Talk about PJ and shit They figured out what the fuck you talk about Pussy juice, bitch Yeah Yeah, we know We know what's up with that Damn, what's you talking about with your top hat on, bitch?

What's that? You're so proper and shit? Yes, I am. Who said that aloud in 2016? Who is what? Who said you could be so proper. This is just always the way of

B-U. Talk about singing everything you want to say and shit. This motherfucker, man, I'll put you, I'll body slam your ass in a kitty pool and make a big splash.

Water my damn garden, bitch. Get those dandelions wet, bitch. The kitty pool's in your backyard? Yeah, it's in my backyard. I share with all my neighbors. It's a community backyard. You betcha. Bingo, baby.

To quote, the great Bill Cosby. You're a fan? He's my favorite rapist. He's also a stand-up comedian. I never heard that shit. He talked too slow. I ain't got time for that. My show is only dirty because you're on it.

Oh yeah, fucking right, dick, look, it whore. I'm not dirty. I'm not dirty. You have said the only curse words. Name them. What if I said? Suck my clit. I can't believe he said that.

You should kick him out. That's fucked up right there. Is that an option? The only person I'm thinking of kicking out is you. Oh, really? What I got to do? You want to be kicked out? I'm going to do, oh, you know what I'm about to do up in here?

I'm going to start swinging around here like a monkey going around all these bars. You'd be amazed at what I could do. I'm very gymnastical. I mean, I'm not stopping you, but I don't know why you would. Just to piss on your audience. Give them that shower. Ooh, they want it. This truly is the late show.

What were y'all talking about before I came out? The queen I love that bitch You're a boss Have you done a lot of world traveling? Oh yeah, you bet your ass Yeah man I watch Anthony Bourdain every night

I love him He goes luck I suck his dick I suck his dick In any country In any country Yeah There's not a single country in which you would not do this

Name one Belgium I suck it Zaire. I suck it. What, man? You don't believe me? Guatemala.

Sure thing. What's about made-up countries? Okay, let me hear. Narnia. Yeah, put it in. You think his dick would look different in Narnia? It's my friend. Like you have a deer dick or something?

They never went into that in the books. Whether the kids suddenly had deer dicks. Yeah. He might be a different sort of character, like Mr. Tumnus, who was a fawn, had a sort of human-looking upper half of his body, but then below, he was like a goat. Yeah.

So you think Anthony Bourdain in Narnia, would his upper half or his bottom half, do you think? Oh, I hope it was the bottom half. I think it would be quite disturbing if he had the upper half of a goat and then the lower half of a human being. Of Anthony Bourdain, especially. Why?

What you know about his bottom half? But you'd prefer it be the other way. Oh, yeah, you bet. I like a dick with hair on it. I'm sorry. You're sorry? I feel really bad. Just getting stuck my client.

I don't feel bad. I got no remorse. Yeah, you seem... Do you have a family? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, my baby. He's on top of my car right now.

On top? You're not supposed to leave him in there alone. Yeah, she's good, though. She's good? How old is she? She's like, I don't know, six or seven months. My pussy still hurt if that tells you anything. Why?

At what point does it stop? Probably like a year. Yeah. When they grow back. Who's the father? That's a good question. Whoever it is, I miss him. Very much.

Were there several substances? Several substances, yes. Several at least, yes. And several men, yes. Different days, different dates, yeah. I'm not a whore. On different days. So never on the same day. Never do that on the same day. That's gross.

You ever fuck two people on the same day? Mr. Ackerman? This is not about me. It can be. There's no rules. I'd like to answer the question. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You ever do that? During the first run of cats, when everyone was in those sexy cat outfits, I couldn't help myself. And so it was one after the other. All day long, I fucked all of the cats. And I asked them to make the noises cats would make. D-N-A-N-N-A.

D-N-A. Noses. Yes. By humans? Scotrick, no. Like, ow! We were all pretending to be cats. A cat can't say ow.

Have you never heard a cat in the midst of coitus? I don't, I hope not. But I can't say for sure. You ever seen a cat, dick? it looks like a little rope I've never seen it really it looks like a gymnasium rope or something yeah like a little

rope yeah like a string a magician would use like cut and half yeah where it has a knot at the end yeah then why does the dogs look like lipstick I don't know I'll find out you're not curious as to why the cats looks like rope

I am I'm just like but you make it go together like if it look like rope then why does the dogs look like lipstick Why don't they both look like makeup? Does a cats look like eyeliner? You know what eyeliner looks like? Does it look like a rope?

Then the answer is no. A female cat though looks like eyeliner. Thin little slit. All right, all right, all right. We're really abusing the late show privileges here. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

It's a cat, who cares? So you don't know who the, The father is. No, I don't. Who were some of the guys you were dating at the time? Well, they all work at the local place I like to go. What place is that? It's a restaurant.

Yeah. They sell food. Right. To use a loose term. What restaurant is it? Taco Bell. They all worked at Taco Bell? Yep.

In the same Taco Bell? Yep. They all are managers and they're triplets. So it's hard to tell. who the baby looks like. I see all of them in her. And the twinkle in her gorgeous eyes. I love my baby.

The one on top of your car right now? Yep. In a car seat at least? She in a bungee cord. In one. It's looped around the roof. Oh, I see. Strapped like skis.

Yeah. Strap like skis. What is your favorite dish at Taco Bell? I like to just get it. a pile of meat and put a churro in it. I like sweet and salty. Yeah. That's what's up.

He knows. Is that like the in and out menu? Is it? Yeah, it's animal style secret. You gotta beg for it on your hands and knees. Park like a dog. They put on the floor in front of you, you don't gotta stand up or use utensils.

You have to eat it right in front of them? Get to, yeah. And do they punish you if you? if you ask for it. Are you interested? No, I just... You love being punished. Oh, you like a spanking.

Oh, he does. I think he does. I'm just imagining these triplets. What were their names? You're imagining them spanking you? Spanking her and treating her like a dog. Oh, thanks. Thanks.

All right. What were the triplets names? Mike Pikes. Sike. I'm not going to tell you, a dumb ass. If you know their names, you'll find them. These three triplets who work as managers of the Taco Bell in Big Bear. She can't give you that vital information?

Yeah, right now it's really vague. I love you. You love me? Why? What a turnabout. I felt like you needed that. I did. I feel very beat up on.

I'm sorry. I feel really bad. What could I do to make it up to you, buddy? Well, I mean, you could be a pleasant person during the show. Okay. Have you ever tried to act nicely? No. Should I?

Yeah, let's try it. Okay. All right. So, uh... My pussy itches. Did you say start? Okay, start now. Okay.

So what do you want to talk about? So what did you do today? Oh, damn. I gotta edit this. I licked a dick. What did you really do it? Let's take it. I slapped it a knob.

Okay. So this is you pussyfooting around on what? Yeah, I'm pussyfooting. Yeah. That's all you did? No, I did more. I went on the computer. Okay.

I bought some shit. You want to know what I bought? Sure. I bought one of them dildo machines that you sit on that Howard Stern had where he's like, you have to stay out until you come. I spent my whole savings on that shit. But I'm going to send him a video, try to get on the show.

You're trying to get on the Howard Stern show. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Is that an aspiration for you? Yeah, it's a big dream. Yeah. Yeah. Is it your aspiration to become one of the wicked patterns?

Yeah. I want to be part of the whack pack. You're sort of like the whack pack of this show in a way. Stuck my clit. I don't, you know, I just, I don't think that you're ever going to be nice, and I shouldn't ask you to change. Hey, that's a good attitude. You know, you can't really change a person if they don't want to change. Yeah. Let everybody be themselves. And you don't want to change, do you?

No, and I don't want you to change either. You're a sweetheart. Thank you. Yeah. You like my show now. Yeah, you're tight. Yeah, I love your show. You love it, okay. I love your dirty, dirty show.

Would you say you love it? I don't care. Oh, don't I kind of pop me. I got you. By the way, I got a question for you. Oh, gee. My mattress got bedbugs. Because I ordered some bedbugs online.

Why would you do that, Pamela? To have a bedbug farm for my kids. Kids, uh. There's others. Where's, where are they? They grew up. But anyhow, these bedbugs got right out of that trap, and they got over my mattress.

Now, I need a new one, but I don't know what kind to get. I don't, you know, I have no clue what kind of mattress you want. I mean, do you... I have a suggestion. What kind of mattress does anyone want? One that is comfortable. Yeah. And easy to buy.

Yeah. Why? Wouldn't you love to avoid the awkward battle? for the experience? Yeah, I'm not allowed in there. Can I ask you... That's very awkward. They banned me.

Can I ask you a question? How big is your door? Size of a mini fridge. Why is it only that big? Because it's one of those barn doors, but the bottom part got stuck. So I got to crawl under the bottom. I mean, the top got stuck.

You get what I mean. Now I do once you corrected yourself. The top got glued shut. Yeah. Who did such a thing? The triplets all jizzed at the same time. Were they inside or outside of the house at the time? Outside it was their revenge, trying to trap me.

You were inside at the time. Yeah. They sit on fire. Oh, dear. With their baby inside? No, she wasn't born yet. Inside you? We didn't know.

I deserved it. Don't worry. Oh, okay. So the triplets sealed the door shot with their own seam and set the building on fire. So Lisa mattresses, their 10-inch mattresses,

three layers of cooling comfort. And they're designed to keep you as cool as the other side of the pillow. That sounds perfect. That's a great ad for them. They're really going to appreciate that. Well, Pamela, It's always great catching up with you.

You think so? You had a burst of joie de vivre. I had a burst of what? Joie de vivre. Thank you. To the proceedings. Oh, thanks so much. Yeah, no problem.

It's a pleasure to see you. I still hate your ass, though. I thought you just said you loved me. I know, but that's because I felt bad for you. I felt like your eyes were showing wanting. I like you. Oh, why his boys get so high? He's lying.

I like you. Thanks. But I know you have to get back to Big Bear. I do, yeah. I know my baby's got to get back and get a new diaper. You haven't put a new diaper on your baby since Big Bear? Yeah, it's been a while. It's been a while.

You're trying to entrap me. Yeah, but thank you for having me back on your program. Yeah, we love having you here, Pamela. Thank you. Please come back and, you know, try to come back with a better reason other than you just hate the show. We'll see what I can do. I'll keep listening and I'll see if I think of anything else.

You're one of our most loyal listeners, I have to say. I love your damn show that I hate so much. Yeah. I take notes on why I hate it. I've got to listen every week. Yeah. What were the notes that you did for the last week? So fucking dirty.

I hate that shit. Too dirty, bitch. Too dirty. All right. Well, Pamela, it's great to see you. Great to see your eyes. I know you have to get going. I do.

Any last words for the thing? crowd out here. Zach McCle. Okay. Pamela from Big Bear. Thank you very much. Pamela from Big Bear. When friends come over for the first time and they look around at my space and they

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Wayfair, every style, every home. Now streaming on Disney Plus, the Hulu original series Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black, played by Emmy Rossum, on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer. Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine, the line between right and wrong begins to blur. New episodes week over week. Watch the Hulu original series Furious, now streaming only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Is this typical of what happens on this program? Guests come and go, is they please? You don't like it, Laura Weber?

Are they all going to be like that? You seem charmed by it. I was terrified for my life. You were? Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you say the safe word? I was trying. What's the safe word?

I forgot to tell you the safe word? Yes. It's Sweeney Todd. Why? Would you choose a Sondheimian safe word? Because I know if you say it, then something's really wrong. I think you choose it because you know that I will never wish to say it, even under the most dire circumstances.

So you'll just continue a pace? As you saw. All right, well, I apologize. Our next guest is going to be far more... Do I have a chance to accept your apology? Will you accept my apology? think about it. It's not a no.

How long are you going to think about it? We shall see. By the end of the show? As long as it takes. All right. I'm hoping you'll do it now. It's taking longer. All right.

All right. Well, Lord Weber, let's get to our next guest. Fine. All right, here we go. He's a concerned citizen. He said here we go. We're supposed to say it at the same time. All right, here we go.

I don't know who's going. He's a concerned citizen. Please welcome. Kyle Bennett. Thank you. Hi. Thanks. Thanks for having me, man. Kyle, it's so nice to meet you.

Yeah, it's nice to meet you too. Yeah. I wish I'd gotten here earlier for all the clit-sucking stuff. Sorry, I was waiting in the wings a little bit. I thought maybe you were going to say something, but I was kind of freaked out

because I lost my child a little bit ago. You lost your child. I lost my child, yeah. I had like a three or a four-year-old or something like that. I'm so sorry, when did this happen? I don't know. Sometime in the last like three or four hours, I don't know.

Today? Yes, today, yeah. Earlier today. Why are you here? You think I want to go home and tell my wife that I lost our child? I need something to take my mind off that, all right? She's going to have my ass and not in a good way because I do like to get pegged. Why are you looking at me?

So let me get your story straight. Yeah. You lost your child a few hours ago. To take your mind off of that, off of the fact that your wife is going to be bad, you came and appeared on this show? Yeah, I emailed you and I said, hey, I got to lay low for a little while I try to figure out

where my kid is. I know. And you said, you said, you stupid bitch. Then you said, sorry, that was my auto reply. Yeah, it's fine. And you requested to be introduced as a concerned citizen. Yeah, concern for where my kid is at. And how much my wife, Karen, is going to have my house.

Karen is going to have my ass. Not in the good way. It's been established. Karen is her name. Yeah, Karen. Yeah. She's lovely, except when she, you know, has a reason to be upset with me.

Where did you last see your child? Probably in the stroller that I had outside of my friend's house where I ducked in to watch the game. Oh, the big game. Yeah, the big game. I wasn't going to miss that one. But sometimes the kid cries

and that gets louder than the big game, you know. So I like to leave it in the stroller outside. Come back out. On the street. Oh, the sidewalk. Come on, man. But public property nonetheless. Yeah.

Unattended. What's that? Unattended. Yeah, yeah. In the parkway, the area between, you know, the grass area between the sidewalk and the curb and the street. So public property. Which is why I'm a concerned citizen, you know?

I left it in public property and all of a sudden it's gone. I shouldn't say it. He or she, whatever. You do you, what, what is your child's name? Maybe there's a clue. Toy? Toy. Yeah, toy.

Toy Bennett. Toy. Toy. Toy. Yeah, well, I want to bet with my wife that I got to name the kid. Wait, you were betting on whether you get to name the kid or not? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And you won? Oh, yeah. And let's just say Karen and I weren't getting along when I decided. on the name. And I said, fuck you, Karen, the name's toy. And she said, but it's a boy or girl, whatever she said, and I said, I don't care.

The name's toy. Karen and I are junior high sweethearts. We're always just at each other's throats. I love her so much, but I hate her sometimes, you know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to de-escalate the situation here. Oh, yeah,

don't worry. Karen's not here. We don't have to de-escalate anything. Where is Karen. What's that? Where is Karen? She's probably at home waiting for me to get back. I said it'd be home

a little while after the big game ended. So my phone's been going nuts. She's texting me. Because the big game ended earlier. The big game ended

a couple hours ago. Yeah. We all know that. Yeah. Did you have any stakes in the big game? No, I was just watching the big game for pleasure.

You, sir? I only like foreign games. Oh, I got to know more about that. Well, I'm a foreign person. Okay. And so I enjoy the games of my culture.

Oh, well, do tell. Anything to keep me away from Karen and delivering the news that I lost my child. Well, we also had a big game earlier today, but of course I was many hours ago. While it was nighttime here, it was daytime where I'm from. No kidding.

That's how the fucking world works. Mr. Bennett? Yeah. You're a very curious fellow. Yeah, I tell you, I'm taking my mind off of anything, all right? I go home and Karen's gonna have my ass.

Right. Not in the good way, yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I almost looked at you when I said that. No, yeah, keep it over there. I don't know your deal. I'm pretty sure I know this guy's doing. It's a close shave. In a good way, it's fine, it's all right.

Let me ask you this. Yeah. How is it that you are not certain as to the sex of your child? Have you ever changed a diaper? Nasty. Nasty. No.

That's Karen's duty. All right? I go to work. I come home, I crack open a cold beer, and I watch the big game. It's my daily ritual, except Saturdays and Sundays. I wake up, I crack open a cold beer, I say, thank God I'm not at work.

And then I turn on the big game. I'm a guy, a man's man. Who likes it sometimes handed to him in his, you know, rectum. Yeah. What's the matter of his gothic? Nothing's the matter.

This is this kind of show. I heard a lot of stuff about cats' dicks. I'll talk about that. Sure, go ahead. All right. Someone said that it looked like a rope. That was mystifying to me. I thought it was a little jagged thing.

Well, it is barbed, the cat's penis. Yeah, right? It's barbed, really? Yes, it is. Why do you think the female cats make all of that noise that you pretend to have never heard? I mean, you're the actually. expert on cats, certainly.

Indeed, I am. Why wasn't there a song about this topic in cats? Don't you think there was and we had to cut it after previews? I'm sorry, you're right. Many people were very upset. The song about the cats barbed penis.

It was a 15-minute song. Oh, no. Wow. I just want to know the hook. Yeah, right? Anything to keep me away from telling Karen that I lost my child. It was very catchy. It was very catchy.

It was sung by Ram Tam Taga. Wow. A second solo for him. That's right. That was another reason why we cut it. It seemed greedy. And so, RTT, he takes set a stage. RTT.

Wait, what are we doing? Are we in it? You're the two cats having sex with one another. Oh, all right. I'm okay, I'll sit this one out. Oh, all right. But I feel we must paint a picture for the audience. So, wait, is he kidding?

I gotta be the female cat in this. As you wish. Good casting. And so, Ram Tam Taga is peering over the fence, watching these two gelical cats having sex. And he sings, Pardon my bobs, it's just cat penis. Pardon my bobs.

Maybe you've seen a cat in around the garbage jump. Let's all get in a big UFO. We also cut it because it sort of tipped the ending of the play. And this was the very first song. This was the first song. It was the first song of the play. So lights down.

Yes. Lights up. Cats are fucking. That's right. Well, they're cats. That's what they do. I didn't invent cats. I'm sorry.

This is great. I've never seen this musical, but this has got about as much action as the big game. Hey, Scott. Yeah. Thanks for doing that to me. My pleasure. I'd say it was mine. You tossed me around like Karen after a couple beers. Karen's going to be really upset.

Not in a good way. Not in the way where she takes it out on me in a way that I like. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. God, when we met in junior high, the twinkle in her eyes. I said to myself, I'm going to marry that woman. We're going to have a love, hate relationship, and I'm going to lose her child someday. You said all of that.

Yeah. And my civics seizure said, sit down, you've got an erection. You were saying it to him in class. I was at his desk, pointing at her. But it was the most romantic gesture she'd ever seen, I bet. Yeah, well, she just saw me at the desk pointing back at her. She didn't hear what I said, let alone see my erection.

That was for another day. Oh, boy. Can't believe I lost my child. Yeah. Do you? Uh-huh. Do you love your child? Yeah.

Toy is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I wish I could give myself toy every year for my birthday. That's my joke about the name that I gave my child. Right. Yeah, I kind of love the kid. Yeah. Did you always want a family? I don't know.

I just wanted Karen so bad. I kind of said yes to whatever she wanted. She wanted kids, huh? She wanted kids. She wants more kids than just this one, too. Really? Yeah. How many more?

I don't know. A baseball's team worth. A baseball's team worth? A baseball team worth? A baseball's team worth. How does one pluralize? Is it like passers by, or is it like... Wopper's Jr.?

Wopper's Jr.? Yeah, you don't say Wopper Juniors, do you? No. Wopper's Jr.? Wopper's Jr. Yeah, she wants nine kids. She wants nine of them. That's a lot of children.

I know. And you may have lost one. That's true. Can you imagine a guy who's, you know, got what it takes to make ten kids and then tell the remaining nine that the first one was lost? I don't know if I've got the stones to do that. But I'm pretty Catholic, so I think we're going to try for at least seven or eight. Yeah.

Can you imagine a baseball team where they were all one year older than each other? That would be fun. Yeah. would be fun. Well, how old, if it's nine players, how old is the oldest player and how old is the youngest player? Well, nine years younger is the youngest.

So I think you start the team when the oldest is 10, and you put the one-year-old at third base. I would put them in right field, because not a lot of balls go out there. Oof, yeah, that's true. But third base, those are the toughest ones to stop.

So I think you put the one-year-old there and it gets by or it hits the kid, and you're like, well, you know, we weren't going to get those anyway. And that's an example of the big game. Boy, I'd watch that for sure. If I had 10 kids and nine of them were playing in that big game, I guarantee you I'd lose the 10th one. You make it sound as if you have done this on purpose.

No, are you insinuating that I would do this just to piss off Karen? It'd be good, though, right? I didn't drive her nuts. I don't think she'd be pleased. Yeah, when you say drive her nuts, I mean, I think it would drive a certain person insane. Oh, God. What am I thinking?

Yeah. I love Karen. I can't do this to Karen. You can't. She's going to be genuinely upset, not just upset in a way that passes and transforms into horniness 30 minutes later. Which has been the M.O. of our relationship the entire time. Well, at least since high school.

Junior High was a lot of heavy petting. Why do you say it in that way? I don't know. You wrote cats. There's got to be a lot in that. I haven't seen it, but I'm assuming if there's cats, there's got to be a big hand coming down from the ceiling petting a bunch of the cats, right? We did try that.

Like a paper mache hand? Not exactly papier-michet. What we did was. We had someone put there. You're getting emotional about this. I'm kidding. I wanted it to work so very badly. We had ushers behind the seats of every patron of the theater. And we tried to do it as a forced perspective

where we put the hand coming down in front of their eyes. So it looked like a gigantic hand petting the cats on stage. Well, no one fell for it. No. The fire marshal was. furious. That's twice as many people in the audience. Twice as many people! That's too many ushers.

Too many ushers. You want a ratio of like 50 to one when it comes to ushers, 50 audience to one usher. It's very conservative. You think you'd need more? I think ideally

I would have three ushers per 50 customers. Wow. So you're saying if you had 150 customers, you'd have nine ushers? You're saying if you had 200 customers, you'd have 12 ushers? You're saying if you had 250 customers, you'd have 15 ushers? I don't know, man. I just don't know.

That might be the thing that I lead with when I go home to tell Karen. And then I'll gently slip inside right after that. Hey, I lost the child. You don't think that's going to be the first thing that she notices when you come home, that toy isn't with you? you know what I like to do when I come home and I've done this many times so Karen might be a little perplex this time

is I like to come in with the stroller facing out, facing the door and I go, I lost the kid and she says what? And then I turn the stroller around and the kid's there. So this time is... So you do this every single time you come home.

Yeah, but this time it's real. That's the tagline for this movie. This time it's real. They're going to make a movie about this. I hope so. Was that your goal this entire time? You're hoping that this would eventually become a motion picture? Are you saying that I lost my child on purpose?

Just to get back at Karen and get a major motion picture made about my life? I mean, I'd take it. Well, what's the ending of this story? If you're already seeing it as a major motion picture. How does the movie end? This is how I think the movie ends. Have you seen Flight of the Navigator?

I can't. I didn't say that I have. Really? It was a hit in the 80s. Doesn't mean that I saw it. God, you're... I'm sorry, no, I didn't see it. I saw it in the 80s for sure.

All right, well, it's about this... Okay, it's about this family. Well, all right, this spaceship comes back to Earth. This kid gets off. He goes to see his family, right? The spaceship comes back to Earth? I think it's been there many times. I don't know.

That's not really a key plot point. Then the kid goes to see his family and all of a sudden like nine years have gone by and they think that this kid was gone the entire time, right? And they're spooked out and he has to convince them. But he hasn't gotten bigger. He's still the same size that he was when he disappeared nine years ago. So I think it'd be fun if something like that happened, period. You would like to age naturally.

Yes. And then nine years from now, little toy would, reappear yeah exactly the same as when you left her or him yeah and then I see the last line of the movie being Karen's shocked face me like you know

sticking my face out right next room and going Karen I fucking told you told her what that he would come back unaged I think probably early in the movie that I say don't worry he's been kidnapped by aliens he'll be back this is your cover story

he's been kidnapped by aliens or she I think for the simplicity of the movie we probably make it a I don't know. I don't know. Maybe we make it a musical. Maybe you take it over. Oh, there's an idea. That's one idea. I mean, if there's another one, I'll listen to that, too. How about this for an idea? All right.

What if you were to go look for your child to make sure that it is, in fact, still alive? Okay. How does that movie end? With you not going to prison? Pretty good. More likely with a dead kid. And... Scorstreet. Scorstruck.

I mean, it's been hours at this point. That's a good twist, so I don't go to prison, but the kid is dead? No one sees that coming. I'm sure the kid's just in the backyard of my friend's house or something like that or down the street. You didn't even look in the backyard of your friend's house? I looked at the stroller and I said, I got to distract myself. Or Karen's going to kill me. So, you know, the kids are resourceful.

know about you guys. I was resourceful when I was a kid. You know, I broke my arm once, so. You're saying you broke your arm and that proves you were resourceful? Yeah. That was one of your resources? Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I got my RES words mixed up. Resilient. Kids are resilient. Resilient. Yeah, yeah. I see. I was resilient. I broke my arm. You know, I came back from it. I'm sure this kid's going to get lost, you know? Spent a few hours alone wandering the neighborhood or getting into some people's cars, winding up a couple towns away, whatever, but it's going to figure it out, you know? It's a real home-alone situation here, except he's not at home.

And you left him alone. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. You're not actively trying to search for the child. That's another divergence from home alone. I don't remember the home-alone films in particular, but were they, they were out there pounding the pavement, looking for Kevin? Well, they realized...

He was home. At a certain point, he was home and he was alone. They had flown to another place. They had flown. And they realized too late that they had left their child behind. Right. Leaving him to face off against the wet bandits.

Then this sadistic child tortured these grown men. He's a sociopath. He's a little sociopath. See? So, you know, that's another positive spirit. that could be happening right now. My kid could be sociopathically

torturing some old men right now. How old is the child again? Three or four, I think. Seems unlikely. Does he own any paint cans? Oh, yeah. The kid loves paint cans. Can he rewind a video cassette recorder? Oh, better than I can.

How good are you? Not good. Oh, okay. Any other questions that parallel home alone? I personally have never seen it. Really? I've never seen Home Alone. Can you believe it? I've never seen, what was the flight of the navigator?

Yeah. Nor Home Alone. Wow. Yeah. Were you in a coma during the 80s? No? I wasn't. Was that a question for everyone?

Yeah, yeah. I was not in a coma during the 80s. He wrote some of his biggest hits in the 80s, Phantom of the Opera, Cats. It's true. Sterling's for us. Yes. Are you familiar with Starlight Express, Kyle?

Is that a candy? By rights it should have been. There should have been so much marketing for Starlight Express. Should have been a breakfast cereal? Mm. Eating little trains? Yes, Queen. Scorick.

Scottrick. Yes. There is only one queen in my life. And it is not me. You must not address me that way. It's disrespectful to Her Majesty. I'm so sorry. I forgot.

Slip my mind. Slip my mind. What were you just doing? Those little kids in the hall reference. You a big fan of the kids at all? Sliped my mind. I see them on YouTube. And they are subjects of Her Majesty of the Queen.

That's true. Kyle. Yeah. What will be talking about? Oh, Starlight Express. Starlight Express. Are you familiar with Starlight Express? Kyle, Kyle.

No, I'm not. Are you familiar with Starlight Express? Are you familiar with Starlight Express? Kyle, let me ask you a question. Have you seen Starlight Express? Kyle, I gotta know. No, I haven't seen Starlight Express. Have you heard of the musical Starlight Express?

I haven't, and not until now, I've heard the... Kyle? Have you heard of trains? Yeah, I know what a train is. Kyle, have you heard of roller skates? Yeah, I love roller skates. Kyle! Imagine a train on roller skates.

I won't, but I will for this. I won't, but I will for this. What if a train took the form of a man on a rolling skates? This is getting crazier by the second. But I want to know more. Well, that's what happened in the musical Starlight Express. A bunch of people put on very tight-fitting clothes and they roller-bladed around the stage.

So many people got hurt. So many people. I can't believe this is a Spider-Man turn off the dark and people are saying, oh, it's so dangerous. Oh, that got all the press about all the hurt people. I crippled people with Starlight Express. And not just the performers. No.

They would spin out into the crowd. All the punters would get mangled faces from a big, great big roller blade hitting them right at the face. It would collapse your cheek. Do you see? This sounds like a horrible tragedy. No. It was a smashing success.

People came from far and wide to see these roller skating trails. Wow. Do you think if I told some of these details and some of this story to Karen, she'd forget about me losing our child? I don't think so. Man. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. You guys fucking kick ass. You've really taken my mind off this whole thing. That's what we wanted to do. Yeah, that's what I came here for.

I really appreciate it. Now what are you gonna do? I'm gonna find that kid. You are? I am, I'm gonna find that kid. Good for you. Yeah. I think you can do it.

Vow from here forward to never try stunts like this again, just to get Karen angry at me and sexually excited half an hour later. It's a good vow. I vow. I vow to do that. I'm going to put that when we get remarried, because she's probably going to divorce me for this,

I'm going to put that in my vows. Thank you guys for helping me understand that tonight. Good for you. Good for you. Good for Kyle here. Good for Kyle. Thank you. Three Charles for Kyle.

Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hip. He's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly. Jizz. Paula Tomkins. Of course, Lauren Lass.