Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Seattle, WA 2016

Episode Date: August 6, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from Seattle May 25, 2016 - featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins as Gary Marshall, Lauren Lapkus as Carmela Pointe, Mike Hanford as owner of the Gummy Bright Candy Factory Peter Finn and Tim Baltz as EVP of Creativity at LinkedIn Tom Boreman. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lemonada. Man, when you're a kid, summer freedom means sleeping in, no homework, and no one telling you what to do. Freedom looks a little bit different when you're an adult. Sometimes it's just finding easy ways to make life less expensive and less complicated, like finally ditching that overpriced phone bill. Well, that is why I was excited about Mint Mobile's summer sale. I switched to Mint Mobile because I realized I was paying way too much for a service. just needed to work. The switch, it's incredibly easy. I kept my phone, kept my number, immediately started saving money. Mintmobile gives you premium wireless with high-speed data,

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capable device required, availability, speed, and coverage varies. see mintmobile.com. Freedom! Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to Threatom, and it's just me today. Poor little old me, lonely, lonely me. Where are Paul and Lauren? I have no idea. I hope they're having fun out there, enjoying their lives.

I assume they are while I toil away recording these intros. Why is it just me? Because Threatom is on hiatus until September. And, you know, we could have just said, you know what, we don't care about the fans and we don't care if their podcast listens dry up while we're gone. No, we decided we would put out and re-release some earlier tour episodes from Comedy Bang Bang that from 2016, when famously in Freedom lore, this is the tour where Lauren Paul and I did it together and we spent a few months out on the road, getting more and more insane as the days went by. And you will hear this

today because this is towards the end of the tour that we were on. So what are we hearing today? We're hearing an episode of Comedy Bang Bang from 2016, May 25, to be exact, from Seattle, Washington at the Moore Theater, the beautiful Moore Theater. And if you don't know what Comedy Bang Bang is, you haven't listened to it. It is a different podcast, fake talk show, where I play the host and I have comedians on playing fake guests. And this episode, who do we have? We have Paul as Gary Marshall. We have Lauren as Carmela Point.

And then we have Mike Hanford, who had been opening up for us on all these shows doing stand-up. He comes on as the owner of the Gummy Bright Candy Factory, Peter Finn. We also brought on Tim Baltz on these shows, Tim, Tim, from The Righteous Gemstones, you may know him. He plays the EVP of creativity at LinkedIn, Tom Borman. And this is a very fun show. And this, I believe, was the second to last show on this tour, the original dates. So anyway, this is towards the end of the tour. We are going more and more insane. You'll hear that. So enjoy this. We're going to be back in September with new episodes of Threatom. By the way, If you like this live episode of Comedy Bang Bang,

Paul F. Tompkins and I are out there on the road. And we are doing live episodes of Comedy Bang Bang right now. You can come see us. It is Paul. And we, in fact, are going to be on the west coast of the United States as well as Vancouver this coming week, this next week, in just a few days, as a matter of fact. So check out all of the dates at CBBWorld.com slash tour. All right, enjoy this.

We're going to be back in September with new episodes, but until then, enjoy this episode of Threatom, aka Comedy Bang Bang. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. There's a young man in the front row. How old of a young man are you, sir? You're 11, you say. And if his veracity is to be believed, then he's 11 years old, so I waved out him and he gave me one of these. And then I made fun of his wave, and then he did this.

Like a pageant winner. I enjoyed that. Nice to see you. Hey Seattle! We're doing it! We're doing it! Fucking doing it! You're gonna hear some words tonight, by the way, young man.

You're gonna enjoy the fuck out of them. I almost want to curse more now that you're here. Hold on, I have to do this. Shut the fuck up. I appreciate your enthusiasm. But shut the fuck. the fuck up. Not you, sir, not today.

If the bird is the word and turd is the next word, then the third word is Peggy. My name is Peggy and a bird shit on my face. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yes. Thank you to Captain Pukfish. Captain Pukfish.

Oh my God, what a gorgeous theater. First of all, fans of the balcony recaps, two balconies? Is that true? We can't even see up that high. Fantastic. So many people here. We're in beautiful, beautiful Seattle. We just rolled in right before the show. Our train got a little bit delayed. But we're here and we're doing it. Doing it, doing it, doing it well. Doing it. Doing it. Ryan. Ryan is laughing.

We were in Portland last night, which is... Ooh, people don't like Portland. And there are some snakes in the audience. Can we get an usher to get rid of those snakes up there? I'm very frightened of them. Portland people, they have a little bit of an attitude, don't they? Thoroughly covered in the TV show Portlandia, I'm sure. But I do want to tell one story.

We were leaving the theater, and there were some nice people who helped us out, the staff at the theater. And we were getting into our car as we left, and two of them were riding bikes on their way home. And they said, hey, thanks very much, great show. And we said, oh, thank you so much.

And they said, have a great evening. And we said, you too. And then one of them said, watch out for bikes. watch out from my fucking dick Portland all of Portland and you can quote me on that

but I bet the lame stream media doesn't how obnoxious is that to get a lecture right after I have a good night they tricked us they tricked us into that lecture anyway I hope you guys are going to be

a better audience. The audience was great. The audience was great, just those two people. Who has a flashlight? Am I about to be murdered by serial killer? Ah, some latecomers. And now making everyone stand up. Who keeps hissing? It? Please, now you're just doing it to be funny. I don't like it. Stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. All right, we're going to have a good time tonight. How many of you guys, first of all, Seattle is a wonderful town to do this show, and we've been coming here ever since Bumbershoot back like five years ago, I think it was the first time we did it. How many people were at Bumbershoot when we did it?

Yeah, so we love coming here. Seattle audiences and, you know, I don't even want to say this, but I think they're the best audiences in the world. Who was the first person to ever woo instead of applaud, I wonder? Who's the first person? I imagine everyone just applauded for a long time, and then one person went, Woo!

Can you imagine everyone looking at him? And now everyone does it. He was a pioneer. Thank you very much. I don't know why that deserved applause. Look, I'm just stalling up here. I have no prepared material. But I do want to say that we are having a great time

traveling around the country with these people, whom in two days the tour is going to be over, and I will never see them again. So this is almost like a funeral for a family member. But we're going to have a good time tonight. A lot of really interesting people coming by. Are you guys ready to start the show? Let's do it.

Let's get to your first guest. He is an executive producer of television shows, a director. Please welcome to the stage, Gary Marshall. Anal seepage. That's where you start. I've been on the stage for two seconds. You're already mentioning anal. How long do you like to wait before you mention anal?

Forever. It's great to see you, Gary. Please continue to call me, Gary. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I forgot. Usually I start with Mr. Marshall. I know.

It's a fun. We play, a cat and mouse. A bat anage, if you will. A Gary and Mr. Marshall. Yeah, like the old expression goes. Well, you know, cat and mouse, that caught on. Why can't Gary and Mr. Marshall catch on the same way? Nobody knows what you're talking about.

Mouses. They understand the relationship. They don't get along. I get it. I feel like it's pretty one-sided that relationship. You know? Keep talking. Well, cats, mice obviously don't like cats.

No, they don't. But cats love mice. They love to eat them. And here's what cats do. That's so vicious and horrible. They play around with the mouse before they eat it when it's just barely clinging to life. Why do you think that is?

They're insane. The animal kingdom is riddled with insanity. Everybody's talking about, oh, is there homosexuality in the animal kingdom? Is that nature or whatever? Let's talk about how animals are crazy. Who does that what a cat does? What's the biological imperative is what I'm saying? I guess cats are sort of like serial killers in a way.

Yeah, like, what's his name? Hannibal Lecter? Sure. Any serial killer? Jeffrey Dahmer. There's one right there. Richard Ramirez of the Nightstock. Okay, and he's got a title, too.

The Zodiac Killer. Serial killers, they usually like to have titles, don't they? Like, they know they've made it if they have a title. I don't know because I'm not a psychotic murderer. I know that the newspaper gives them a title, but I don't know if the serial killers themselves are saying, my, good news. I got a promotion at work today.

Directors, they usually don't get titles like that, do they? Like, you know, Hamlet, he got the Melancholy Dane. You know, but Gary Marshall, he doesn't get anything. Yeah, I'm not a made-up character. I'm a real person. But if you could get a title, what would it be? Mr. Marshall, which you will call me your Gary privileges have been revoked. No.

Yeah, you push my buttons. I'm sorry, Mr. Marshall. Please call me Gary. Oh, I'm back. I can't stay mad at you. You're a rascal. I want to pinch your cheeks. Why is everyone

want to pinch my cheeks? Because you're a rascal. All right, all right, Mr. Marshall. Oops, Gary. Please call me, Gary. Gary, it's so good to see you. It's good to see you. Hey, and it's good to be seen

because another day I'm alive on this earth. Do you ever wake up in the morning? you're just like, ooh, got him again. You mean God? Or the Grim Reaper. Fooled you? Oh, the Grim Reaper. What's the difference, really?

See, when you get to be my age, there's very little difference between the idea of anthropomorphic personification of death chasing you and God. What's the difference? Yeah. I wonder if God is a skeleton. This is a good what if.

Like, you get up there, That would freak you out, wouldn't it? Oh, it would be a nightmare. You'd think you went to the other place? Did you make a mistake? What? Then what does God say? Like, why is he a skeleton?

It's just like, I made you in my image, and then I put flesh on you? Because I saw how it looked, and I was like, ooh. I can't do anything about myself. That's what it looks like. No, thank you. Theological discussions aside. Sure. Let's put him aside.

Let's talk about regular guy stuff. Oh, boy. I've been waiting to do this with you. Have you really? Locker room talk with Gary Marshall. You started. Let's see where it goes. Did you see that new girl at school? Hold on. Hold on. We're at school together?

When I think of locker room talk, I think a guy's like, you know, sort of nudging each other. and pointing out a good-looking young woman. Who's also in the locker room? These days, who knows, right? And that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Gary. Oh, okay. Here we go. Now the real you comes out. No, obviously, you know, that is an issue that's going on right now.

Do you stand anywhere on that? Listen, everybody's worried about this bathroom stuff. Don't worry about it. Someone's doing something weird in the bathroom. It's obvious right away. You don't have to worry about like, oh, I gotta keep my eye on this one. You'll know it when it happens.

You'll know it before it happens. How about that? You might be thinking, I'm gonna go into the bathroom. You see somebody go in like, I'm gonna wait a little bit. Is there any place on earth, worse than the bathroom? Let's say even under perfect conditions, conditions. It's a chore to go in there.

It's, no one enjoys going in there. No one relishes it. Here's the thing. I'm not a fan of the human body. A lot of flaws. If it was up to me, it would be designed a lot different. How would you design it? I mean, obviously, our mouths are here, our buttholes are down here. Reverse it? What would you do? I feel like you got some unhealthy obsessions. Like, I wonder what happened to you as a child. How many times have you mentioned rectums in the five minutes I've been on stage with you?

I just think it would be interesting you would make going to the bathroom really hard if it were on the top of your head. If you're gonna redesign the human body, why would you still have that process be a part of it? So you're saying get rid of it totally. Get rid of it totally. What we should be is just float,

including brains. In space or in jars? I'll go in a jar, sure. Jaws seems very delicate to me, though. I would say, let's have a brain and you've got a force field around you. Like a Sioux Storm invisible bubble around it. I don't know what you're talking about.

Who is this some girl from school? But you got a crush on? Just a brain, but then how would we distinguish, you know, what we find attractive We wouldn't. We'd be free from that burden. Would we mate? You hang around with people, other brains? You know what I mean?

Would we be monogamous, I even wonder? Who cares? We're a bunch of brains. Don't you see? Like, this frees us from all the drudgeries and the things we've got to think about all the time and the problems, oh, how do I look in the mirror? I don't like my hair cut. I'm so mad. I told her to do this and she did the other thing. You know what I mean?

We're free from all of that. Seems like you're really upset about a haircut you got. It's an example that I'm using. You're saying this is what you wanted? Look, I'm an old man. Hair is at a premium right now. I work with what I got. You'll see.

I hope so. I hope so. Yeah, you think you're going to be George Pappard or whatever. And you get to be my age. That's an age-appropriate reference for me. Sure. Sure. People your age know who.

I know who that is. You know, hey, you know spring chicken anymore. He loved it when a plan came together. That's right. He was on the A team. Maybe you remember him from Breakfast at Tiffany's. Seemed like someone booed Breakfast at Tiffany's. That's a weird reaction.

That's a strange stance to take. Not Mickey Rooney, George Papad. The Mickey Rooney thing I get. How did that? I don't think that even held up by the end of the movie when it first came out. I think there were probably people walking out of that theater going, yeesh.

Do you ever think of having a character like that on happy days or anything? No. What about my reaction to Mickey Rooney in that movie made you think that's what I wanted to do? Well, you did have, what's his name from The Karate Kid in that?

Pat Marita, that's right. Yeah. He played Arnold. Or was he Al? No, he was Arnold. He was Arnold. Then he left the show, and then Al took over. Right.

I don't know where Pat Marita thought he was going to go. He's going to get a better gig than Happy Days hit show. Everyone loves his character. It's based on his stand-up. You know, he was a stand-up comedian. Really? Pat Marita was a stand-up comedian. And this is a true thing I'm about to tell you. So keep that in mind.

He called himself the hip nip. That is a for true thing that you are welcome to look up and do not blame Gary Marshall. It was a different time. It was a different time. It was a different time. I don't know if it was like a pangea effect where we were so fascinated by people of other races. We couldn't stop talking about it. I do remember those days growing up, like if anyone was not a white person, you would have to mention it.

What do you mean? Just in life? Just like any time you mention that person, you would have to bring it up. That's right. It's different now. It's different now. The melting pot. We've all melted together.

It's exactly right. You know? It's how it should be. That's how it should be. I did on Happy Days. We did a very special episode. Before that was a thing, we did a very special episode about racism in the 1950s. And there was a black character on the show.

His name was St. He played the drums. He was on for a good two episodes, one of which was all about his race. And it was everyone, the gang learned the lesson because there was a party, and they knew that Sticks was gonna be there. And so a lot of the people's parents,

they were bigots, and the parents said, you can't go to that party because there's gonna be a colored guy there. And then they had a meeting about it, and there was a character named Bag on the show. He was a recurrence. a recurring character, this dumpy guy, were a letterman's jacket that said,

Bag. This is all true. And Bag called a meeting. Everyone said they were going to go to the party, and then Bag called a meeting, and he's like, hey, whose parents told them not to come to the party? And everyone raised their hands,

and then Bagg said, this is a curious line reading. Bagg raised his own hand and said, mine also. But Bag had called the meeting. Bagan called to me. He was trying to see like, hey, we all had the same experience, right? We got our parents of bigots, telling us not to go to this party. But then in the end,

the gang came around. Of course, Fonzie, the coolest guy, too cool to be a bigot. Sure, yeah. I can't imagine Fonzie being a bigot. Because he wasn't. Exactly. What an evolution of a character. First, Fonzie starts out. He's a hood. He beats people up and stuff. He wears a windbreaker. He wears a windbreaker.

He wears a windbreaker. Well, he wears a windbreaker. when he's next to the motorcycle because the combination of leather jacket and motorcycle would have torn the country apart you got to understand this is watergate had just happened the nation is reeling what do we know up is down black is white if we had seen this middle-aged jewish guy pretending to be it's italian street tough standing next to a motorcycle wearing a leather jacket, there would be no America today. And I'm so glad there is one. Yeah, it's going all right.

Could be better. Could be better, couldn't it? Did you ever think about making a sitcom with Donald Trump? Back when he was popular in the 80s? I didn't see the angle. Where's the angle? You got to have his, what you got to have. You got to have nice-looking young people

that everyone enjoys spending a half hour with this Donald Trump, even when he was popular, he was too old, he's too sour and mean, all he cared about was money. The characters of my shows, they were nice people, you liked them. They were kids from the 50s, they were aliens from other planets, they were Mindy. You know what I'm saying? Still keep up with Mindy?

Sure, Pam? Pam. Absolutely. Yeah. She's like, you got to understand. Here's what, son, you got to understand. all these kids that I work with over the years, no matter how old they get, they're all like my kids.

They are. You have so many children. I do. You've done so many shows. You've done so many movies. I mean, Julia Roberts is one of your... She's one of my girls. Of course she is.

Of course. Ashton Coocher, the Couch. The Cooch, the Cooch. She's one of my kids. He tried to play a prank on me. I pretend I don't see it coming, and then I'm like, you got me again.

Who plays pranks on an old man? I know. There's a high degree of risk in that. It's like a real Anna Baleck of that kid. And then, of course, you just had a movie come out, Mother's Day. That's right. Big. Oh, zero applause.

How many movies did you all have come out recently? Are you making any more holiday movies? There's so many great- That's all I'm doing. Here's the thing. There's a plan for the rest of my life. I make these holiday movies. That is what I leave.

behind so there's every holiday covered so no one ever is stuck for a movie to watch on any given holiday how many times St. Patrick's Day rolls around you say what are we going to watch? Dobby O'Gill and the little people? Do you have anything

you have anything coming up? I mean we're good up here, thank you. Lady yells our flag day. Of course we're going to make flag day. We're going to make them all. What about Halloween? I was thinking about Halloween recently.

Didn't we talk about this in Toronto? Maybe. You want to talk about it again? Sure, why not? How many Howl FM subscribers do we have here today? It's maybe too many to talk about it again. What about the Eves? You know, you got Christmas Eve.

Sure, everyone... I did New Year's Eve. You did New Year's Eve. Remember that? Sure, yeah. Why not continue in that vein? Christmas Eve. All Hallows Eve.

And why not then do New Year's Day? That's not fun. New Year's Day? Everyone gets up and watches the rose parade and nurses their hangovers, stays indoors. Who wants to see that? A bunch of formerly attractive people with bedhead, caked on makeup, throwing up at a waste paper basket. That's not a movie.

What am I? Vincent Gallo? You said you were going to do them all, though. I'm going to do it, but that's not a... It is a holiday. It's a federal holiday. So no federal holidays. They're not, nobody celebrates anything.

Right. So no J. They're solemn. Like, you know, like, President's Day or Martin Luther King Day. It's like, it's a day that you just think about people who have died, Veterans Day, you know, Memorial Day. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, no death days. No death holidays. But I said we're going to do them all, so we're going to do them. Mixed message. I'm saying these movies are going to be less popular. Sure. Less popular than Mother's Day. Right. You mark my words.

That movie, you heard of office space? Mother's Day is going to be an office space on DVD. People are going to get the Blu-ray. Because here's why. It's something that I'll never go out of style. Being uncomfortable with your family on a made-up holiday. How can I get two hours of not talking going? How about we put in this movie? Everyone has to shut up.

And guess what? Everyone's relieved. You kids, you're like, oh, it's so awkward around my parents, you know, to be around the family. That's how your mother and father feel, too. They're like, I can't relate to this guy. Sure. Everyone hates each other. Everyone hates each other, and that is the message of my films.

I get that from them. I paint a world where everyone likes each other because it's a fantasy. But the movie is made for the average everyday person who knows families are a misery to be endured until you are dead. You hear that young man?

Oh, look at this guy. What are you doing here? Got some cool parents. Like, hey, we don't care what he is. He's got to learn about this stuff soon or later. we make the call. By the time he's in therapy, we'll be gone. Good look at out, mom and dad.

Oh, I'll never forget. We bought him his first trucker hat. Went to see his and had a family portrait done. You were four years old? No, it's his fourth trucker hat is what he's trying to say. He collects them. What's your favorite episode of Girls? I presume that's a typical Sunday night in this household.

How did you feel about Father John Misty splitting off from Fleet Foxes? Was that weird for you? Difficult. Robin Pecknold says he doesn't talk to him anymore. Oh, it's one thing when I do it. Well, Gary, oh, you all right there? What happened on that?

I don't know. Somebody get the Allen wrench. This Bjorn is about to fall apart. It's IKEA. It's an IKEA reference. I get it. All right. I don't know if you get...

Ikea because I care. Don't look at me. Turn around. Does it say no refunds on the tickets? Because it's still early. Oh, Gary. It's great to have you here. It really is.

Now, we've reset conversationally again. We have, haven't we? You run out of stuff to say. Hey, it's great to see you. It really is. It's like you're a goldfish. Oh, stick to show. Oh, look who's here.

I'm gonna murder you. Hey, I heard that. What? I got this one turned way up. What about the other one? I don't need both at the same time. Can you stick around with... I got literally nowhere else to go.

Fantastic. Gary Marshall, everyone. Of course, of course. He deserves that. he deserves that I feel like late summer is the perfect time to take a look at what's working in your closet that's right that's me going in your closet

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Oh, fun! Someone that I have never met before. Maybe you have met them before. Do you try to meet all new people? Yeah, I try to meet everyone in the world. Is that what you're asking me? I'm way behind, in case you're wondering. You're like the devil, and the devil went down to Georgia.

He was in a bind. He was way behind. He was looking to make a deal. Sure he was. I still can't believe he lost that fiddle contest even after he cheated and played an electric guitar. Do you think he played it with a bow?

He was playing it with a pick, I think. I don't know, I don't know. And he was the judge of the contest. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. And he admitted, hey, you beat me. Weird. He's nothing if not honest. Satan?

Yep. Good first draft, Charlie Daniels. Maybe put on a pot of coffee and take another whack at it. I think the devil made his quota that month? Oh, I hope so. Who's overseeing his business? Yeah.

Also, you know, it seems to be like just if people die, then they go to hell. You know, like, why does he have to go out there trying to win souls from alive people? That's always been very unclear. The whole idea of the devil tempting people and so forth and so on. They don't, I don't know. It's an easy way to explain your own actions away. Like, oh, I looked at this lady. it wasn't my wife, and I went cheated on my wife,

because I think the devil made me do it, even though he didn't physically appear in front of me. What other explanation could there be? Do you believe in Satan, son? Are you at, theologically speaking? Do you go to church, young man? No? Oh, let me guess.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I'll tell you later. Okay. All right, let's get to her next guest. Okay. This is interesting. She's a manners column name. Oh, maybe we'll learn something.

Maybe we will. I don't know. Maybe you will. You know everything there is to know about manners? I'm an old man. I'm very respectful of people. All right, Gary. All right.

Let's introduce her right now. Her name is Carmella Point. Carmella Point. Carmella Point. Hello. You only give the lady one anal seepage rag? Bad start. simply a poor start for you.

Well, all righty then. All right, you're English. I certainly am English, yes. I'm British. Is that rude of me to say immediately? And you're a tall white American male. Is that correct? It is, yes, you're looking at me, of course.

Well, you can look at someone and still be incorrect. Yes. Carmela. Yes. Point, point with an E. Yes. At the end. Is that is that rude to say the spelling of your name?

Yes, it is. Is this how this interview is going to go? You're just going to ask? I don't know. Moment by moment, am I being rude? I feel very self-conscious around her because I feel like everything I'm doing, I'm doing wrong. So far, yes, you are.

I came out and you both didn't bow down to the ground to greet me. I'm sorry, okay, we can do that. Kiss my fucking toes. Whoa! That seems, that, you forgive me, that almost seemed rude. Oh, does it? I suppose you've never greeted a lady. What are we supposed to do?

Bow down and kiss my fucking toes. Like it too much. Okay, your turn. I'm old. You get a pass. Thank you. Yes, much better. I feel much more welcome here.

Dirty mouth, clean it up. Did you coin that phrase? Oh, you bet I did. I say it. every morning when I wake up. And then I brush my teeth. Sort of a reminder for yourself. Dirty mouth?

Clean it up. And I chew gum all day long. All day! Uh-huh. Some people think chewing gum is actually rude. You know, the constant smacking of the lips. Who's the expert? You are, obviously.

It's actually very rude not to chew gum. Really? Mm-hmm. I like to know that everyone's jars can work all day. He's saying that's good manners. It's good manners to show that your jaws can work. Let me ask you this, if I may. How many pieces of gum do you go through in a day?

1,000. 1,000. There's only 24 hours in the day. Yes, good and bad. It seems to me like you're chewing 40 pieces of gum per hour. Yes, I chew 40 pieces of gum per hour. That was very good math. Is that, that's polite to do math in front of someone?

It's very polite, yes. I enjoy seeing how the math process works for you. Can I ask your question? Yes, you may. May I ask you question? Sure, sure. I feel like I'm back in school again. Come on, Gary, may, come on.

Don't, hey, don't show off a company. Very good little boy. Right, Pamela? Pell. No, what's your name? Carmel. Carmelah. Rude asshole.

He didn't leave. I forgot my name. I've been out here for moments. I just said my name. I get confused on the Ella names. Oh. You what? The Ella names, Carmela.

Pamela. He called me Pamela. You couldn't even come up with a second example. He showed you. He sure did. Let me ask you this. What are the things that people are doing today that are common rudenesses,

that they don't even realize that they're breaking the laws of etiquette. Okay, well, I'll give you a little test here, and you can tell me how you would handle yourself in the situation. You're walking into a building, and you see a pregnant woman coming with ten shopping bags behind you. What do you do with the door? She's entering the building as are we?

Are we together? You're a gay couple. All right. In the scenario, you just finished having the best sex of your life. Let me ask you this. Are we ourselves or we better looking people?

You're better looking. All right. I want to be Clive Owen. Who do you want to be just so I can imagine it? I want to be Louis Anderson. Do you have low self-esteem? No, I just know Clive Owen has a chubby fetish. You hear things.

Okay, so you're done having sex? You come, you're coming back to the hotel. You did it in the park. We did it in the park. Out in public. Yes, that's your thing. That's what made it good. Yes.

Did people see? Yes, you like that. But we didn't, nobody called the cops or anything. They all enjoyed it. Who wouldn't enjoy seeing Clive Owen and Louis Anderson going at it on the grass? Okay, so you're back at the hotel. You're getting ready to go up to your room and have room service. What do you want to order?

Eggs Benedict. Okay, great. Club. Oh, sorry. Is it morning or is it breakfast for dinner? It's breakfast for dinner, and I want eight orders of it. Okay. Interesting.

Oh, who's paying for this? You are Clive. You're the big movie star. You're going to have eight eggs Benedict? It's not great for your health. It's very rich, Louis. Stop criticizing me. Guys, get along.

Sorry. Get along for the hypothetical. Just one brief sidebar. Is this your Louis Anderson impression? Are we doing the voices? Yeah, why aren't you doing Clive Owen? I don't know we were doing the voices. Do Clive Owen.

Hello. Yes, very good, Mr. Marshall. Please, call me Gary. Ooh, you have Gary privileges. I simply can't. Too polite. Yes, I am. I'll have a club sandwich.

Okay, great. Well, I'm not the server, so, okay. No, I'm just... How long is this going to take? The order? To get the food. I would guess at a good hotel. Because we only have like 25 minutes.

Do you think you could put a rush on it? Why are you in such a hurry? Well, because we have to go have sex in the park again. You already did. I know. Oh, again, okay. It'll be ready in 20 minutes. Thank you.

So wait, we're gonna get... So 20 minutes from now, we're going to eat a sandwiches as quickly as possible. And eight eggs Benedict. We've got five minutes to eat a club sandwich and eight eggs Benedict. It's going to take longer enough for them to get the cart in the room. You got over order every time. Why do you always do this? Why do you always order eight entrees?

Because you know my body type. You love it. It's a known that I have a thing. Okay. How did you two meet? Well, I auditioned, of course. For what? The Nick. Of course. I wouldn't think you would still be auditioning. Louis was going to play Susan Bientri on the Nick.

That checks out. Okay, so you met during the audition That's right And you immediately fell for each other Of course, sweet then During a chemistry read Okay, so you're entering the hotel After fucking in the park

And a woman who's pregnant Is carrying ten bags, okay? Knowing everything you know about yourselves, your characters, who you are, what do you do with the door? Open it. Let your partner speak, he was... Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I would open the door for her and hold it until she comes through with the bags and I would say to my partner, hey, help her with some of the bag. She's got ten shopping bags. Oh, to be clear, this is Charlotte from Sex and the City.

Oh! In the Sex and the City film when she sees big on the street and she has a bunch of shopping bags on her shoulders. And she's pregnant. So the first one? Yes.

Okay. This is that particular day. That's that day before she went to the restaurant and saw Big. And it's before she eats all the yogurt and she has the explosive gastrointestinal issue and all the friends mock her forever.

It's after that. It's after that, all right. Dirty ass? Clean it up. Okay, so you... So how did we do? So he told me to do something, and I did it. I helped her with the bags.

It was all wrong. Oh. Shocker. I really thought we knocked it out of the park. Yeah. What should we have done differently come down? You should have met her the day before. as an undisclosed location,

invited her to watch your public sex act, taken her shopping and paid for all of her goods, and then had her enter the door first while you held it. So it was too little, too late. Exactly. There was no chance you could have really done it well. Let me ask you this. Yes.

Is it the actress who plays Charlotte from Sex and the City, or it's the character? It's the character of Charlotte. It's the character of Louis from his program. The character? The cartoon? Oh, I see. So he's not a real person.

He's a cartoon come to life. He's an animated, yes. He's an animated character. Well, you can eat as many eggs better as you want then, I guess. Sure. The animators can't change me. All the cells are still the same. That's right.

But whenever you have sex, you're the Louis from the diving reality show. Just flopping around Flopping around That could not have been the title He was flopping around in the show In the show that she's talking about What was it, divey? Diverie diver

Dive Star dive Star Divers, yes Sure Absolutely my favorite program That's everyone's favorite I love watching celebrities Try to dive well

Where do you Who do you do your manners for Who do you you do your manners for? Let me rephrase. You write a column, obviously. For what publication do you write?

I write for Women's Time. This is Time Magazine for females, focusing on female issues, female current events. But it's made by the people who make Time Magazine. It's made by all men, yes. What are female current events? I'm trying to even think of what that would be.

Which politician got her period when, who has female diarrhea. You know, all the gossip that females are interested in. Females are interested in that thing. Is that really what women talk about? We don't know, obviously. Oh, yes. All we talk about are those two topics. Does that please you? Do you want it to?

Yes. Then it does. Say this pleases me. This pleases me. Okay, great. Do you have any other tips for us? I mean, you're a wealth of knowledge. Yes, well, I'll give you another example.

Oh, good. Now, let's say somebody is sneezing in front of you. Sure. Now, who are we in this situation? Okay. Now, your father and son. Oh, all right. You're adopted, and you really resent the way he treats you

because he won't let you seek out your heritage. I want to know my biological person. parents were. Yes. Okay. And you have a big problem with this because you feel like I've been raising you. Just be with me. Yeah, I adopted you. Come on. Why do you want to look for your real dad? You can't blame me for wanting to know.

They gave me away. Yes, I can, son. I'm going to spank you. Hey, what's that? No, no, no. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. They're fun. It's fun, but this is like, this is now getting into your weird stuff. That's how I would act in this situation.

Okay, so you guys are both going to a local donut shop for breakfast, and the clerk sneezes right before he gets both of your donuts out of the machine. We're having donuts for breakfast. Out of the machine. It's a futuristic donut shop.

Oh! It's like dipping dots. Yes, a robot makes the donuts. What year is this scenario set? 2009. Wow, okay. We're on the precipice of another millennium. Not another millennium.

Nope. Century. You gotta admit that. That was not good math. It's an exciting time for you because you have big New Year's plans. You're going to do a family event and have a family reunion on New Year's Eve. And maybe we'll watch a movie? To help kill two hours?

With your family that you hate so much? That's right. Yes. I want to be with my real family. But how do you know they would be better? They gotta be better than this situation that I'm in now. What's the parental situation? Who is your dad married to?

Oh, he's like a child beater. He wants to spank me all the time. Spankings are not beating. He's got a weird thing about it. Is he married? He was, but he couldn't hold on to her because he's a terrible guy. Oh.

That changes things. He's addicted to diet pills. I need the energy. He's gobbling. them up like the candy. That's an issue. Now... Is he Gary Marshall in this situation, by the way?

Oh, wow, okay. And you're still Louis. Only you're his dad, and you're still dating Clive in this reality. Oh, okay. Okay, so you go to the donut shop and it's New Year's Eve. Sure.

And all of this is true. And the clerk is going to get the donuts out of the machine that has baked the donuts for you, especially... The robots. Yes, the robots have made it. based on your exact requests. Oh, so it's like you can dream up a crazy donut

and the robot has to make it? Yes, anything at all. Like, what would you get? Oh, jelly. The best. And you? Plain. Plain.

I have difficulty with sugar. Just like the cakey plain donut? You just want cake donut. Why don't you eat sand? Why don't you pound sand? Oh, don't try to use. Don't try to use. Try to use old-timey vernacular with me.

Why don't you pound sand? That's something they used to say back in my day. To Jesus? Probably. Jesus was a carpenter, and that's all they had back then. They didn't have wood. I think they famously had wood in Jesus' time. Point take.

Yeah, I bet he'd probably correct you on that one. Do you mean because of the inn? That's part of it, sure. Okay. Wonderful. Okay, so the donuts have been made to your liking plain donut, jelly donut. You could have had in any era

even though we're in the far distant future and you could have anything you want in the whole world. Like, do you want to know what I would have? Sure. Not really. Okay, never mind. So you... Cover your ears, I want to hear this. I would just like to order,

are you the machine right now? Sure, I'm the machine. Be-boop up. What donut do you desire? I would like four chocolate donuts stacked with hamburger meat in between each and sprinkles melted down the side like a candle and a birthday candle in the center

with the number 69. By your command. Be boop boop. Yummy, I've consumed it. You're done. Come here's for just a second. This guy's the worst. Right?

You don't. You don't have to tell me. I knew it the second he kissed my toes. He didn't know what the fuck was going on. I'm sorry you have to be on the show. It's a drudgery. I don't know why he does it, but here we are, so we gotta make the best. Is it safe?

Yes. Just in the nick of time. The nick? Like your friend loves. So, okay, you've gotten your donuts, you've paid. They cost 25 billion snids. What was the head currency? Snizz.

Snizz. Snizz. Snizz. With an end? Snizz. All right. Can you afford it? Sniz. Oh, I don't know. Why ask you me?

Ask my dad. Can we afford this? Or you can embarrass me in front of the whole donut shop, including the robot. Just this once, yes. It's the equivalent to two dimes in currency. So just this once, you can afford it. When did we get on the SNS standard? 2008. It's hard for everyone to adjust to.

Is that why it's so cheap for these donuts? Yes. The proprietor hasn't figured it out yet. Yes. He's confused. Losing snizz over fist. Okay, so he's got your donuts. You've paid your 25,000 snooze. And as he's getting the donuts, the clerk sneezes on the donuts. Right.

Not on them, but around them. He says to sneeze. Okay. I will say he covers his sneeze a little with his sleep. So that's still a thing that people do in the future. Yes. And that's the correct thing to do, right? The sneeze is the crook of you're up. It is correct, yes.

Are you sure that in the future we wouldn't be able to, like, know a sneeze is coming, then, like, press a button on our wrist, and then, like, a sneeze guard comes around our face? I'm not sure of that, but is that what you would really want? That's disgusting. But then it retracts after that and goes... And where does it go? Does it clean itself? He goes, boop, bo, bo, into your back?

Into your spine. No deal. No deal. It takes your mucus from your face and puts it directly onto your spine. So you're trapped in a mucus cylinder where you just sneeze right in front of this thing. And then it goes into your spine.

Sounds pretty cool to be. I thought you were going to say you pressed something on your wrist and the sneeze doesn't happen. That's absurd. This is 2099, not 30-502. Well, for me, that's not a deal I'm going to take today. Making the sneeze guard. Ooh, sneeze guard.

Snesgard, yeah. Keep your money close to your heart. Okay, so keep your money close to your heart. It makes more sense louder. Okay, so the clerk has sneezed. What do you say or do in this situation? Normally in life, I would say either bless you or gazuntite. Okay.

Could you get us some new donuts, bitch? This is why I want to meet my real parents. Very interesting. I want you to remember that this is your dad. It's 2009. Right. And you've just paid using a currency you've never heard of. Right.

So you still think you would say bless you or gazuntite? Why is... What should we say? I don't know future things. Yeah. What you're supposed to do is climb over the counter, walk up directly behind the person who sneezed, grab them around the waist, thrust three times,

wipe their nose with your hand, and say thank you very much. Okay. That's polite in the future? Yes. Wait, wait, wait. Why are we doing future? Manis. I'm not gonna live that long. What does this come into play? It's gotta be soon.

That specific thing will start in 2050. All right, so I'm gonna stick with Gersentite for now. I think you're gonna be out of the picture. Yeah, all right. It's one thing when I say it. Sorry. I don't need you wishing for my death. I'm not wishing for it. It's just simple mad. You're wishing for it. Oh, of course not. I never want you to die. Really? Really? Are you Clive and Louie now?

I'm fucking touch me. Well, I mean, you're the expert. That's all I have to say. Yes, I am. Good luck. What about when shaking hands? Because the current etiquette, as it has been for a long time, is a man stands up

to shake hands with people. A woman can stay seated. and doesn't have to shake hands. You only shake hands with a woman if she offers a hand first. So what's the proper thing to do? Is that changing or is that still the same? You want to know the future manners, even though you'll be long dead?

I guess you're going to tell me the future. I want to know if that was still in play. But I feel like you're going to go into the future with this. Yeah, in the future, are we going to have, like, detachable hands that, like, go, and, like, meet each other in the middle and go, poop, pooh, pooh, and, like, shake each other. other and then go, whoop-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-w.

Why would we have that? It's so fucking cool, Gary. Oh, my God. Watch your language. Is it rude to use language like that in front of a lady? He's got a dirty mouth. You need to clean it up. You've got to clean it up.

Do you want some gum? Do you have... Yes, I have gum in my gum purse. You have a purse devoted to gum? Yes, it's a lot. long vial I wear that goes down my neck and through my dress. It's a long tube full of gum. Does it open from the top or the bottom?

Suck my tube. Is it individual pieces of gum? Yes. It's not like a long uncut string of gum. It's not like family style. Like what? Family style. Yeah, like tapas.

Topis? I mean like, here's what I'm picturing. Like a trident gum. And I'm like, what a, instead of a bunch of little pieces. It was one long trident. And you just tore it off? Like a paper towel?

Exactly. That's a great idea. Oh, thank you. You should work on that. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll get out of movie directing altogether and work on new gum technologies. You should call it bubble tape.

Damn, she got you. What? How? That's a good suggestion. Never mind. Because it's bubble gum, but it's like scotch tape. That's good. Can I have that?

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of great things. Explore the full defender lineup at landrover USA.com. Are you tweeting? What are you doing? No, I'm looking up our next... You completely shut down. Because it's time to get to our next guest. Okay. Well, bring them out in a proper way.

In what way? This is a test. All right. Well, I mean, what reminded me of it is you guys are talking about gum, which is related to candy. Uh-huh. And our next guest works in the candy, uh, uh, uh, industry. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Your eyes turned into two curle cues that never stopped. It's like the snake from Jungle Book. He is the owner of the gummy... I heard a hiss. Is the snake here? That's who's been hissing at you this whole time. Maybe it's a big snake that looks like a person.

Hmm, I like that. All right. I know, yes. He is the owner. Oh, that's exciting. The owner. Oh, now you're excited. I understand.

You like status. The owner, so he's an owner, so, you know. Let's respect him. Are we in a time loop? Let's respect him. Of the Gummy Bright Candy Company. Please welcome Peter, Finn. Hi, Scott.

It's interesting. You always wonder how a person's going to talk when you first meet him. You always wonder that. And this is how you talk. You never know how someone's going to talk until they open their mouth. Hello, Peter. Mr. Finn.

Thank you. It's great to meet you. It's great to be here. You are the owner of the Gummy... Gummy Bright Candy Company. And I've got a lot of exciting new things in store for the summer. For the summer, all right? In terms of candy. Some seasonal candies?

Yeah. Where is your business located? Is it a small business or is it, I've never heard of it? We're down in Dallas. Everything all right? This is how I talk. It's just who I am. Good to know.

Good to know. So you have some exciting new seasonal cany. Yeah. For the summer, summer themed candies. Right. Would you like to hear... When it gets hot outside, they cool you down. Just, not exactly.

Some of them are just new products we're unveiling in the summer. Yeah, there's no candy that cools you down. You're thinking of a popsicle or ice cream. You've confused candy with popsicles. A lot of people do it. Do they? Some people do. Why would you challenge me on that?

One guy did. For me and who's against me? I can't tell. I'm for you. I'm for you. I'm for you. We all love you. Everyone loves you, honey.

Why does this feel like an intervention? No. This whole tour has felt like that. We just want what's best for you. We love you. We just have letters we have to read you. You have hurt me in the following ways. You're wonderful, Mr. Arkhamen.

Don't get down on yourself or feel bad. Everyone loves you very much. They're not so horrible. Come on, we love them. All right. He's... I don't need it from you. I was on your side.

Mr. What is your name again? Peter Finn. Peter Finn. You can't remember anyone's name. This is a lot of people to be remembering. Yes, three. And forgetting.

Peter Finn. Mr. Finn, tell us about these summer candies. Go. There's a bar with the cookie crunch. Topped with nuts and caramel. We call it chocolate lunch. Are you singing? Yes, yes.

I sometimes sing. Sometimes I'll speak quickly and stop. It's a large chocolate bar we're selling. Chocolate lunch? It's as big as a lunch. And it has a crunch, you're saying? Cookie crunch. A cookie crunch.

Yeah. It's in bar form. Right. That tune sounded familiar to me. That sounded familiar to you? That sounded good to me. Thank you. We hope more customers respond the way you do.

Sure. So we can move as many units as we can this summer. I'm sorry if I... I'm distracted. What's going on with you? I lost love of my life. I'm so sorry, what happened? There was a girl.

Love of my life. I loved her so much. I asked her to be my... Maggie Wells. Maggie... Maggie Wells? I haven't seen her. Hi, Peter, Peter.

I haven't seen her. in a long time. Peter, you seem to be going off in these sort of memory songs. I do that now when I'm thinking of Maggie Wells. I'm sorry about

Maggie Wells. How long has it been since you've seen her? It's been about 20 days. Did she pass? No, she left me. Oh, that's rough. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's hard how it all

happened. How did it happen? What happened? Fight. On a night like tonight. Like you were on stage? Both of us were sitting on a stage and we were cleaning it. We help out around the community theater and clean the stage when the people have gone home.

Why is the stage so dirty? And why does it need two people that that's their only job? Well, like when somebody does a real thing, somebody does a real show that's not just like stools and microphones, there's a lot of stuff that has to be moved around off the stage. It's a thing. Like a Gallagher situation. Right.

We had him in a month ago. Really? Yeah. And this is what you were arguing about with your wife? Is you your wife? I'm not following this at all. She's my wife. She is your wife.

Right. Not following. we got in an argument about our cell phone charges. She wanted to chop the data usage in half, and I needed it because I play video games on my phone. So what happened? Well, she went away to Fescent Hill. What?

To where? What? To Fessent Hill. Feson Hill, it's a hill. She went away to Fesson Hill where you live. Is that what you just saying? Yes, but there's... In the town I live.

Okay. There's a place called Fesson Hill, and teenagers would roll down in old tires. Teenagers. Teenagers who fit into tires. How big are these, like, tract the tires? Exactly. If you'd just reason it out.

There are big tires in the world I have to say I quite enjoyed your little movement when you showed us how quick you move sometimes Yeah, I enjoyed that too That was my favorite thing I've ever seen

I keep thinking you're gonna do it again And I get excited Me too I'm incredibly hopeful Yeah, yeah She went up to Fesson Hill and I would tell you

Tell her never to go. Don't go up there, you're going to get hurt, but she's... But anyway... And she got into a tire, and she rolled us right down the street. She didn't go far. Are you singing somewhere that's green now? Somewhere that's green. She rolled off away.

So she went up a hill where teenagers roll tires down. Fizzin Hill. Fizzant Hill, sorry. And then she got stuck in one of the tires and rolled away. That's how your wife pledged. Wait, she got stuck in the tire and she climbed in there voluntarily.

Yeah, she was mad at me and ran up there. Because I always would forbid her to go. I didn't want her to get hurt. So, the way she left you was by getting a tire and spinning down a hill? Rolling. I mean, did she say I'm leaving you? This is it?

She said, I hate you. Because it is... Because you wanted to play games on your phone? We never communicated very well. We would argue all the time. Finally, this was it. Tell me. Do you have any other candies you're releasing this summer?

Keep an eye out for sour snazzy-razies. Mmm. Sour snazzy-Razis. It's part of the snazzy-razy family of tropical and original flavor. What's happening? What's going on? I think there was a strange echo. A what?

An echo. A strange echo. Yeah. Okay. Why do you think you're going to see it? You ever been at the Grand Canyon going, hello! Who said that? Oh, I never did make it to the Grand Canyon.

You were on your way? No, I don't want to go. get into that. You brought it up. Your lady friend, you had a trip plan to the Grand Canyon? Maggie Wells. Why do you say your wife's whole name? It always comes off

my tongue that way. It's nothing gross about talking about your wife's name. Where did you meet you and Maggie Wells? It was a high school dance. We were chaperoning. You were both chaperones, right? You do a lot of activities. As a member of my community, I love to give back and help anyway.

I can, and she was the same way. So we would volunteer chaperones for those rolling teenagers. Did you ask her to dance? Not until after the dance. I thought it would be inappropriate in front of the... So we went to my house. I turned on the stereo and we disco danced all night

but she had two disco danced yes what did you turn on what was on the stereo any ever greatest hits yes you look like you're being rewound when you walk

not to be rude it's kind of like watching sped up crime scene footage Like they had a camera in the convenience store When a guy got robbed And it's like, no, not him. Keep it going. Wait, wait, wait. Enhance that. Enhance.

Well, it's great to have you on the show. Thank you. Can you stick around? Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times, yes. What? Don't. Don't.

All right, well, we have to get to our next guest. This is fun. He is the EVP of creativity and innovation at a major company. Please welcome Tom Borman. Hi, why don't we switch here? I took you by surprise. I came out from another direction.

You did. That was very surprising to me. I surprised you. Thank you. Is that polite to say? Yes, it is. Good job, pupil. Thank you, mommy. No, I'm your teacher.

You're my mommy teacher. No. Go in the corner. Really? Yes. Bye, mommy. Oh, what's your company? Oh, we picked it right up without you, apparently.

So, Tom, Borman. Yes. You're very interesting to me. Tom Borman is your name, obviously. Yes. And I remember that. Yes. Good.

Your pupil. And you're here next to Peter. Yes. And Carmela. Yes. And Gary. Yes. And I know everyone here.

Yes. And your name? Oh. No. Tom, you are the EVP of a major company. That's right. I'm executive vice president of creativity and innovation at LinkedIn. LinkedIn.

Big LinkedIn crowd. LinkedIn. com, the global professional networking website. Did you forget the last word of your slogan? I just get so excited when I'm talking about our company. A lot of exciting things are happening at LinkedIn right now. The inflection of your sentence went downward, which usually doesn't happen when you're excited about things.

I have to correct when I get so excited about LinkedIn. Otherwise, I'm liable to pass out. LinkedIn. We all know what LinkedIn is. It's the... I don't. I get invites for it a lot. I get invites to it. I'm very unclear as to what it is and how it helps me. Someone I know has a professional network and they invite me into it. Is that... That's right. It's like Facebook, but for business professionals. So you can do like little quizzes and stuff on there and have a fun time? Quizzes would actually be a great thing. If you don't...

mind, I will steal that and use it as my own idea. I am in charge of creativity and innovation. What's next for the exciting new world of LinkedIn? Quizzes. I've never been on LinkedIn, but I imagine it just to be like people, you know, sending messages to each other, like, hey, what are you working on? Is that what it is? Well, there are many things that you can do on LinkedIn to pass the time and enrich your

life and help grow your professional. career to the ends of the universe. For example, there's an inbox feature where you can receive emails just like regular email. But, pardon me for asking, don't we have regular email? I mean, why do we need to go to a third party?

Don't you want email with less functionality than regular email? Well, now you can have it at LinkedIn.com. Isn't this exciting to you? You can also connect with peers, friends, and professional colleagues in your field of work. Aren't you just talking about email again? What?

You can connect with them, how? By email? There's also a search bar to find people that you can connect to professionally. You can type in whatever you want, a true Boolean search. Someone I know is telling me about this the other day. Boolean is the hottest thing when it comes to searching. What are you saying? What is it? Boolean.

B-O-O-L-E-A-N. What's that mean? Boolean. Stop saying it. I think he's asking, what is it? Yeah. It's Boolean. How is it different from Google?

Well, it's not Google, it's Boolean. How would you define such a word? It defines itself, Boolean. You got us there? There we go. Ask that answer. It stands for something, too. It's an anagram?

Acronym. Acronym. I'm gonna ask you a question. The B stands for Boolean. Does the O stand for Olean? You guessed it, but not the second O. The second O'Lian. Keep going.

The L stands for Leanne. The E stands for E.N. The A stands for N. And the N stands for... Uh-oh. Nice. You like Boolean searches, too? Seven letters, Boolean. Okay.

Oh, my God. What other new surprising features would we be excited to learn about with LinkedIn? We've updated the privacy page. What updates or alterations have you made? There were a couple typos. We corrected them. You know, nobody reads that.

What? To me, it's the most exciting part of LinkedIn.com. Learn how you're protected through our corporate guidelines. Do you enjoy reading manuals? I love it. Did you know that... I don't care. You don't care?

You've been iconop popped by the best. Oh. Oh, no. I love it. What? What's that, Pete? I love it. I don't care

Now you would be able to connect to other candy professionals through LinkedIn.com We could share ideas about different gummy works and shapes or shapes

different ideas of shapes you could do a square just a cube that's the least interesting gummy shape you have to start somewhere and mold them into a crocodile if you want or a squid.

We do a lot of animals at the company. You make a lot of edible candy? Animals. Oh, animals. I thought you said edibles. No. Animals. Animals.

Edibles. Edible animals. A lot of... Nothing. What else do you have coming down the pike? Well, we have a handful of arlequin articles coming out in different news sources that are just trying to help people understand LinkedIn a little better.

Most people get overwhelmed by LinkedIn. Oh, this is just an online place for my resume to be stored. Not true. You can also connect to other business professionals. Now, you say people get overwhelmed, and then in the next breath, this is just, a place where I can stick my resume. No, people get overwhelmed thinking that it's only that, but it's much, much more.

They get overwhelmed with the idea that there's nothing to this website. Yes, it's like staring into the infinite abyss, which was actually LinkedIn.com's first tagline. Facebook for nihilists. Now, what would someone do if they were going to communicate with someone on LinkedIn? How would they start that communication?

I would suggest the Boolean search. But once that was fully in place, then... Well, okay. It's difficult because I really overuse the Boolean search. But once you're connected to certain people within your professional field or even second, third-degree connections of people outside your professional field, then you can start to give each other. recommendations based on your professional acumen.

For example, I recommend you for candy. Search I'm willing to do. I recommend you for manners. Oh, well, thank you very much. I recommend you for holidays. What does this mean? I recommend you for candy. Then what happens?

Here we are. You've steered me right back to the Boolean search. You know six degrees of Kevin Bacon? Yeah. At LinkedIn we have a funny joke, one degree of Boolean. Can you use it? LinkedIn to play games? Absolutely not.

Oh. Are you really still interested in games after your wife left you for this very reason? It's all I have to do anymore. Let me ask you a question. Probably the same thing on that woman's mind. Would you like to be a question? Would you like to be a question? married to your career?

I'd like to see Maggie Wells again. Then I can't help you. No. Unless she's on LinkedIn.com. I should check. And she hasn't hidden her profile. You know, you can hide your profile from people. Why would you do that?

I know. That's one of the things that I'd like to creatively get rid of. I don't understand why you would do that. Why wouldn't you want the world to see your profile? professional CV. So do you have a resume on LinkedIn? I do. What's on it?

Just LinkedIn.com. Who are you connected to via LinkedIn? I'm connected to everyone else that works at LinkedIn.com plus some of our competitors. Some of the competitors. Who are the competitors to LinkedIn? No, and we've crushed

them all. Oh, I walked into that one. He got me. He got me. I got you good. What do you see in the future for LinkedIn? I mean, obviously, Facebook is taking over the world.

Everyone has a Facebook page. What do you see? I always get these emails from LinkedIn and I just delete right away, you know? The first thing that I'm working on is the undelatable email. That's the first step. And then the 50-year plan is always...

What your plan is that? that one? What's that? What's that? The undelatable email. What year plan is that? That's now. That's happening now? We're trying to place that into effect now. Wow. Yes. But the 50-year plan is an email that you can never unsee, and it acts like a Snapchat filter for your entire life. So if you're reaching for the coffee and the filters in the way, all you see is LinkedIn.com. Oops, I spilled the coffee. I'll never forget LinkedIn.com. Because I have third-degree burns, much like the friends. I have in my professional network. It's hot coffee.

It's probably too hot. It's too hot. It's a very hot coffee. It's the 50-year plan, but there are many things in between. Sure, I would imagine the two-year plan, the three-year plan, the four-year plan. Yes, you've got it. Yep. Carmela, is it polite to delete an email like this?

I mean... An email like a LinkedIn request? Yeah. Well, it's... is it polite? I guess the person on the other end doesn't know if you've deleted it unless LinkedIn informs them if their email's been deleted Does your company do that? That's part of our two-year plan To tell someone your email has been deleted? That's right Someone has rejected your LinkedIn friendship request and deleted it and it will show how quickly they deleted it as well

You're gonna cause a lot of fights you're being a bully Yes LinkedIn promotes bullying Is that the search that you're talking about? Yes. Bullying? Bullying or... Our three-year plan is that Boolean will become bullying. All right, everyone.

That's our show.