Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Vancouver, BC 2016

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

A treat to tide you over while Threedom is on a break. Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from Vancouver, featuring Scott Aukerman, Lauren Lapkus as HoHo, special guest musician Dan Mangan, Mike Hanford as John Lennon, Paul F. Tompkins as Santa Claus and Tim Baltz as Randy Snutz. Get tickets to CBB on tour at cbbworld.com/tour Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Get your tickets now for the dog stars. It's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear. Go! A therapist. Kill or be killed. Jacob Allorty. There are people out there. They need our help.

Josh Bruland. Shoot first. Did inquire afterwards. Margaret Qualley. Ow. Okay, tough guy. And Guy Peers. Arm up!

The Dog Stars, directed by Ridley Scott. In theaters, August 28th. Get tickets now. Freedom! Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to Freedom. And it's just me today by my lonesome. And I am very, very lonesome. And nothing will cure that, I'm sure.

But why is it just me? Because we're on hiatus. Paul and Lauren and I are taking a break from doing new episodes until September. So until then, we decided we would re-release some old live episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that you could listen to. These are from 2016, and this is the famous, famous tour where Paul and Lauren and I all did every show together and crisscrossed the country in a haphazard fashion and all went and drove each other and drove ourselves insane as we went along. And so what are we hearing today? This is from May 26th, 2016, This is the last official stop of the tour. This is Vancouver.

And this is at the Vogue Theater, the beautiful Vogue Theater, where we just played again last week. And if you don't know what Comedy Bang Bang is, it's a different podcast. And it's a fake talk show where I'm the host and I have comedians on, such as Paul and Lauren, playing fake characters. So who's on this one? First up, we have Lauren Lapkis as Ho-Ho, the naughty elf, one of first. classic characters. We also have incredible musician Dan Mangon is on this show. If you don't know Dan's music, it's beautiful stuff. You're going to enjoy this. We then have Mike Hanford, who is opening up the shows doing stand-up. He comes on as John Lennon. We have Paul F. Tompkins

as Santa Claus. And then finally, we have Tim Baltz doing one of his classic characters, Randy Snuts. This was a fantastic episode, Bittersweet, because it was the end of the tour, and we had a lot of fun doing it, and I think you're going to enjoy it. Now, if you like this live episode, Paul and I are out there still doing comedy bang bang shows, even at this late date of 2026. We're going to be doing the Southwest coming up very soon in about three weeks time or so. We're doing L.A. September 19th, and that's going to be a huge show. If you like Randy Snuts, he's going to be opening for that. show on September 19th. We're also scheduling, and maybe it's already been announced, I don't know,

when our makeup Boston show is. So check out all the dates at CBBworld.com slash tour. And we're going to be back in September with new episodes of Freedom. But until then, enjoy this episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Bank. Bank, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Bang, Comedy, Back, Vancouver BCBA Yes Hello Oh

Oh Oh Oh Vancouver BC Hi guys How are you Hi Hi

I usually take the time to wave at all the front row people Hi everyone. Did I get everyone? Very good. Hello everyone. Hold on, I have to do this. A realtor, a hippie, and a dog walked into a bar. I must be in Vancouver. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bag. Pretty good. Thank you to Dale Cooper Black for that one. How we doing? BC. Oh my gosh, it's such a pleasure to be here.

Last night of the tour, there is going to be a death on stage. What is up with these little tiny stools? When a stool is this high, it's just a chair with no back. All right, we'll make do. Are they adjustable? Does someone say hit it?

Nothing. BC, I love BC. Do you guys like to be called BC? BC. Oh, what a wonderful place. I got engaged in this city. The last show I did here, I got stiffed. Just a wide swath of emotions.

We're having a really good time traveling around. Have you been listening to all the tour? It's been really fun. We're slowly losing our minds. Some would say not slowly. Check, check, check. Sounds like nothing's coming out of this, but everything's coming out of these.

It's been really fun. This has been a great three weeks and with a wonderful group of people. First of all, Mike Hanford. How about a hand for Mike Hanford? He's been on the second leg of the tour and what a great guy and been a pleasure to be with him. And I used to come to this theater when I would come up to Vancouver and I would see shows here. And I never thought that I would be able to play a place this. big and cool. So thank you so much Vancouver for letting us into your home. We're going to have a

really good time tonight, I think, and what is happening right now? Why? With no shame. No shame at all. Just you're strutting down the alley. Who doesn't at least like do the courtesy duck? All right, I don't want any more of that from you. All right? I understand it's raining out. Are you a latecomer or are you just drinking? Oh my God. No one gets up. Can we agree on that? No one gets up from their seats until the end of the show.

I'm serious. I'm serious. No, we're going to have a really good time. Of course, if there's a fire, get up to these exits over here. And we found out in Canada, exits are red. Exit signs are red, which means don't go into this in America. But you guys do things a little different. I like that.

All right, we're going to have a great time. It's the last night of the tour, so you know what that means. We're going to wrap it up early and get home as quick as we can. No, of course not. We're gonna have a great show, a mega blowout, some cool people, whoa, some cool people here tonight. Are you guys ready to get it started? Here we go. I feel like I'm sitting on the toilet. It's humiliating. It's the last night of the tour. Oh, balcony recap, by the way, too.

All right, very good. Hello, balcony people. And weather report, we haven't done it, but it's fucking raining out. All right, let's get to our first guest. He is, I guess there's no other way to describe him other than he's a mythical creature. Please welcome. He lives up in the North Pole. Please welcome Ho Ho! For me to shit on in front of people. Come on, Ho Ho.

Hello. Right off the bat? Yeah. What would I wait for? That's true. Ho-ho, it's so great to... Hello? So great to see you.

It's great to see you. Thank you so much. I'm lying. I hate you. You're an opposite person, though. Yeah, I love you. Now I feel like you hate me because you just said that. Ho-ho.

Got to remind myself to stop doing that. What are you doing here in Vancouver? I mean, it's closer to the North Pole, I assume. Oh, yeah. It is closer. I mean, I'm here to shoot a pilot. Which one? Some fucking bad guy.

Oh, so he's like a smuggler or something like. Yeah, I don't want to shoot a nice pilot. Yeah. Oh, good, I found a little step. I should be sitting on that. This feels good. It's like you got a stool. My stool sample. Those of you who don't know, ho-ho is the...

Sorry, I was swallowing. That's why it was delayed. What were you swallowing? My cum. I don't know why I asked. It's almost like I was complicit in that. Sorry. This creature next to me is a dwarf.

No, what do you call? Yes again, motherfucker. Sorry, an elf. What's the difference between an elf and a dwarf? An elf is a dwarf he'd like to fuck. Wouldn't that be dilf? Is elf an acronym for that? Is it like...

Yeah, it's elf I'd like to fuck. Oh, ho. You work for Santa Claus. Mm-hmm. That's my boss and my daddy. Wait, we haven't heard that before. He makes me call him that. You're what you call the naughty elf.

Mm-hmm. I deliver toys to the bad girls and boys, like guns and knives. Right, so... Death stars. Death stars? Yeah, death stars. Like death star toys or actual... Like ninja stars.

Oh, oh. That caused death. I don't think you call... like death guns and death knives. You can. More to the point. That's true. Maybe people would start understanding why everyone needs one. No, okay, let's not get political.

I know you're constantly talking about how you want to eradicate gun-free zones, but let's... I'm very political. Yeah, are you really? Uh-huh. Who are you supporting in the upcoming U.S. presidential election? Whoever's an asshole I can fit inside. So Ho-ho is... Hello.

Hello. Hello. You work for Santa. Now, not all children get gifts because Santa has his naughty list and his nice list. Yeah, and he gives coal and naughty kids. Yeah, which is, you know, in this economy. Worth a lot? What?

I don't know. But you decided that was wrong, and you decided to give gifts to all the bad little boys and girls. Yeah, they deserve something they can play with. They're not that bad, right? They are. They're little shit heads. I love them.

And why did you get interested in this? I mean... Well, because I felt sad for them. Every morning, I'd watch them open their little stockings and just get little shit coals. And I wanted them to have something fun to play with so they can torment their families. Yeah.

Every morning. Every morning. Do you have videotapes of all the previous Christmases? Yeah. Yeah, every morning I watch every kid for all a year. Yeah. My favorite show.

Do you get TV up in the North Pole? Mm-hmm. What do you get? Everybody loves Raymond. That's it? Yeah. Santa loves it or something? Yeah, he does.

Yeah, does he relate with Mrs. Claus? Always arguing? Oh, yeah, totally. And his voice is like Ray Romano. Santa's voice is like Ray. I know that's not true. I've spoken to Santa before. Yeah, and his wife is just like the wife on that show.

Oh yeah, Deborah? Fuckable. Deborah? That's her name. Okay. That's the only TV show you get and you don't know her name? I don't pay attention. I'm working. Do you make the guns and knives?

No, I buy them on the black market. From smugglers? Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. Yeah, it's very cool. It's very cool. Very cool.

What do you think? No L. Very coup. Yeah. Now you got it. And what brings you to Vancouver, though, I mean, other than shooting this pilot. No, I really am shooting a pilot, actually, a TV show. Really? What TV show?

It's like a reboot of a, it's a classic 80s sitcom. Oh, boy, which one? Punky Brewster. Really? Punky Brewster. And I'm punky. Because you're so short and adorable? Because I'm so spunky. Meaning.

Full of spunk. But yeah, I get adopted by an old man, played by Santa. How did they land you two? We both begged for it. Santa feels he's not represented properly on TV. Oh, okay. He doesn't like the Coca-Cola image of himself. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The idealized, nice old man image. Yeah. I've talked to Santa before. He's very profane himself. I would say so. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, that's so interesting that they were able to land such two big stars. This is the first TV show actually starring Santa. Mm-hmm. That's amazing. Yeah. And it proves that he's real. Once and for all.

For all the non-believers. Right. How many episodes do you hope to do? Five. Not a big order. Sucks. And I only get paid $2. For the whole thing?

Uh-huh. I don't use real money anyway, though. Oh, really? There's no sense of, like, barter or exchange up there in the North Pole? There is, yeah. It's all through physical contact. I almost hate to ask this, but what costs what? What do you want to buy?

Like, you know, some reindeer treats so I can feed Rudolph. You got to suck Rudolph's dick. That's a reindeer treat all by itself. Uh-huh. For you. Rudolph doesn't enjoy it. No, he hates blow jobs.

He likes regular sex. With people. What's the deal with that nose of his? It's a pimple. Really? Mm-hmm. And if he pops it, then he loses his job. No more Christmas.

Oh. Yeah. Poor Rudolph. We keep putting oil on it. Uh, so how long are you here in town? I'm here for like two months. Two months. Yeah, what should I do while I'm here?

I don't know. I mean, I'm not from here, but I've done, you know, my share of, you know, going out on the boats and riding around the park. Who'd you go with? I went with my ex-girlfriend. What is she now? She's my wife now. My wife.

Okay. I'm not asking for that. You begged. I didn't beg. You begged. You've led me right into it. For the HAL FM listeners, you were on your hands and knees. It's the new take my wife, please.

You're a fan of comedy history? Oh, yeah. I'm a big buff. I fucking love it. I love comedy. I don't care. I love it. I don't care.

I love it. I don't care. Okay. You don't know my favorite comedy? Yeah. The live O.J. Simpson trials. Now, ho-ho. Those weren't funny.

I mean, a real tragedy happened. Did you see him try to put the glove on? Yeah. It was way too small. Funny shirt. Funny shot. Funny shot? Funny shot. That's the only comedy part, though,

in the whole thing, him just kind of going. Yeah, it was really funny. He's a good actor. That was a long-running show, too. That was like eight months. Yeah, I loved it. Yeah, then it got canceled. I know. Then it got picked up again. That's true. Well, good luck with your show. I'm really looking forward to that.

Thank you. Yeah. I'm excited. What are your lines? Do you, I mean... You want to do, like, a scene from it? Yeah, I'd love to. Okay, you say whatever, and I'll say what my lines are. Okay. Wait, this isn't going to match, though.

It'll be fine. All right. And I'm Santa, and this is like Punky Brewster. Yeah, exactly. Let's see. Daddy. Hello, Punky. That's what she said.

Punky? Would you like to take a trip to the museum, Punky? I said no. Right, Punky, I'll go to the museum without you. You're cocky. I'm saying my lines, and you're saying whatever. Okay. I'm going to go.

start my car. Well, it worked. Well, this is going to be a good show. Yeah, I'm excited. Yeah. Trying to suss out the plot of this one. Yeah. You don't want to do homework, and his car doesn't start.

Yeah. Then this hot babysitter comes over, and she knows how to fix cars and do homework. And then my dad fucks her. See all the nudity. All of it? Yeah, including mine. I'm not even in the scene. I'm getting my diaper change in another room.

Why do you wear a diaper, ho-ho? Ho-ho. Because I shit my pants otherwise. You're a cognizant, and sentient human being. I'm playing a kid. Oh, you're only shitting your diaper in the show. In the show. He's changing and watched.

But Punky Brewster didn't shit herself. It's used to you. I guess I just don't get you kids. Yeah, exactly. Gee whiz. Well, good luck. I really... Thanks a bunch.

Good luck for you. I wish you. you success. I really do. I wish you success. Psych. Well, Ho-ho, can you stick... Oh, ho. Can you stick around and be my sort of my co-ho? Oh, co-hoos, yeah, for sure. Cool. Cool. Well, we let's, why don't we get to our next guest? What do you say? Totally tubular. Well, this is interesting. He's a musician. What? I love music. Yeah, and he's, he's, uh, he's, uh, he's, uh, from Vancouver here. He lives in Vancouver. Cool. Can you believe it? And he sells out, uh, you know, huge places just like this. All

He's not even wise lonesome. And he has a new record called Club Meds. I first met him when he was on the show quite a few years back. Please welcome Dan Mangon. Dan. It has really never been easier to be the biggest bummer of any show. You're usually the biggest bummer of your own show. Tell me about it.

I go backstage and I cry and cry. That's what Scott does. Fuck you, ho-ho. People go see your shows to have a good time, right? That's the funny thing. People ask me to sing at their wedding, and I say, that's supposed to be a happy day. It doesn't make any sense. Do they ask you to sing your own songs or songs that they...

Yeah, that's the dumb thing. Do you have a typical song that people go, oh, that's... I love that song, that's about love or something. Yeah, yeah. I have a song about robots from a long time ago that... I get sent quite often videos of kids in the bath singing that song. It's really repetitive and it's really easy to memorize. And I have all, like, people, I don't want to get rated by the NSA.

All these, like, videos of toddlers in baths naked. Because, like, I think parents, they send it to me thinking it's really cute, and it is very cute. Like, here's my kid singing your song. And then I'm like, well, I don't want this to be on my computer. Because... It's a very weird collection. Yeah. So instead you put it on a hard drive in a safe?

Yeah, it's like... Passcode, 6-9, 6-9, 6-9, go-go-gaga. Dan, it's so great to see you again. We had dinner before the show. I'm a big fan of your record. I didn't know your music, and then... I don't even remember how we got hooked up, but someone sent you... I think, yeah. ...sent me your record. It was a funny experience because I was in L.A. and I think I told you...

you about this after the fact, but I didn't know who you were. I didn't know about your podcast. And I got like, you know, an email saying, oh, you have some media to do today. You got to show up at this address. Some content. Yeah, yeah, I have to go and, and I was really tired. I was like, oh, I don't want to do this shit. And then I showed up, and then Sarah Silverman was there.

And I was like, who the fuck is God Occurman? This is happening. This is, Jesus. And, yeah, I was, I fell softly into your arms. Aw. Well, I love your stuff. I... Thank you.

Your last two records are very meaningful to me. They're great records. And, you know, I'm so honored that you would join us here. And I'm sorry that you have to share the stage with this piece of shit over here. Trust me, I'm used to sharing the stages with big pieces of shit. Exclusively. Yeah, we have a litmus test for the band. And if you can't suck a reindeer's dick, you don't...

You can't get in. Oh, good. Yeah. I like that test. So, Dan, you're going to play a song here for us right now, right? Yeah. I'm going to do a brand new song. Brand new.

Brand new song. Can I get some of that up here? That's fine. Yeah, it's a new song. It's going to go on the radio soon, hopefully, like in a couple of weeks. And this is how it goes. It's probably a bad call for a comedy show. It's called Raced.

the bottom. And so the artist screams into an empty cup. He says that you're a soulless bunch, but you could still wake up. And the capitalist says he's born to be free. He says you're poor, my friends, but you don't have to be. We don't know. And what? This is evidently to the bottom.

We don't. I don't know what to say And so the thumpers preach Both love and hate They say you're naughty filth But you could still be saved And the people wait Well to ring

They say we need a song Like every generation will repeat the last Put a halo on a figurehead of photograph Resist a little bit and then become the man Dreaming of a simpler time Time occurs to me that the past is hypothetical fantasy and nostalgia just ain't what it used to be. So here's what we don't know what evidently to say. I don't know what to say.

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Please have a seat. Join us here. Take off the guitar. Are you just going to put it on the ground? That's going to be filthy. Makes it like cooler, man. Ho-ho, have you ever made a race to the bottom? Yeah, you bet.

Bottom of an asshole. Too easy. That song made me hard. So sad. By the way, Dan, Ho-ho doesn't have a penis. He has, what do you have? Well, I'm also not a boy necessarily.

Well, that's a boy necessarily. That's true, but I get very confused with gender sometimes when I talk to people. I have a candy cane dick. You call it a Saint eunuch. Oh. Does that make sense? Yeah.

I love it. No balls. Do you have balls? Uh-uh. Really? I had snowballs, but they melted. This is the kind of thing you like after a song like that, right? It's good.

You know, it really wraps it all up, you know? It's good. Why write that song, if not you, who, and if not now, when? Well, the truth is that actually Prince wrote it for me. Oh, R-I-B. Before. We were just in Minneapolis, a city in mourning. Yeah, no kidding.

Rough go. Rough go this year, Bowie, Prince. Who, okay, so Bowie and Prince are both huge for me. Who would be your person that you wouldn't want to die? And you can't include your family. Rip Taylor, is he dead? Rip Taylor? I just couldn't handle that.

Oh, yeah. I met him once. Yeah? And I was like, that's Rip Taylor. I was at a convention. I was like, that's Rip Taylor. I held up my phone to take a picture. He's like, no pictures!

Like, he doesn't believe in them. Yeah. Yeah, he was saying just generally all over the world. You just happened to be there at the time. It's like his, like, Tourette's thing. He just goes around saying that. So do you have a new full-length long player coming out, or what's happening? We're about to surprise announce something.

Is this a exclusive? Yeah, sort of, yeah. But it's not like a full length. It's a bunch of stuff jammed together, a collaboration with another singer and a cover of a Robin song. Which one? Let me see. Dancing on my own, no.

That is a good song, though. Call your girlfriend. Right now? Oh, Jesus. No, it's a song called Hang With Me. Oh, wow. That's a good song. Very nice.

Don't tell anyone internet recording. Shit. When are you announcing it? In like two weeks. Oh, okay. Keep a lid on this. Uh-oh. It'll be like, oh, that guy we haven't heard of announced something I don't give a shit about.

That's what they'll think. Can you imagine the internet headlines? Who gives the shit? Finally, pitchfork will have something to write about. Yeah, I always thought that was funny. You'd hear some band who was releasing their first record and they're totally unknown. They're playing to their cousins and their cousins' friends

at a tiny little club. And they're like, yeah, you know, I just didn't want our album to leak. And I'm like, I mean, you too doesn't want their album to leak. but I think you want your album to leak as far and wide as possible just so somebody will come to your show. It's kind of how I feel still. It's great that people are talking about you. So if the word gets out, then there you go.

It's a leak to the bottom is what it is. A leaky bottom. Slurp, slurp. Essentially anal seepage. Okay. Okay. So when does, I mean, it comes out in a little bit. You're announcing in a couple weeks.

Comes out in a little bit. That's very exciting. And you say it's not a long player, but it's more like an EP or something like that. Yeah, exactly. I feel like I've been kind of confined to the album thing for a long time, and it's like you're writing

or you're putting together or you're spending X amount of dollars to make a thing, a record. How much money do you spend on a record? I usually download them for free. No. You know, you'd have to ask the Canadian government because they know.

Good old Canadian. Do they subsidize? Oh, totally. Yeah. It's amazing. You guys don't know what you're missing. It's the best up here. Oh.

Like if you fall and you get hurt, you just go get it checked out, man. And it's like it's good. They just do it for you. It's awesome. But now what they say, you know, the people who are against this in the States, what they say is, well, you gotta wait a long time.

Or the doctors are terrible. What do you say to that? Those people are idiots. Not to get too political here, too political here, but I... Get it, let's get political. Hello, join in on this. Trump, Trump, Trump!

Like, people talk about like, oh, it's like, it's less free up there because you don't get to choose your doctor, which is the opposite of the truth. That's incorrect because up here you can go to any doctor and it's all free. Whereas in the States, you can only

go to a doctor that's part of your care package, otherwise it doesn't count, which is actually less freedom. him. Mm. Just turn that shit outside down, you know? Mm-hmm.

Who's your doctor? Who's your daddy? It's the same person. Our visits are very good. He's like, didn't you just get a colonoscopy last week? I'm like, yeah, man. Again, again. It's good.

Again, slurp, slurp. Well, Dan, it's great having you on here. Real pleasure. You can stick around, talk to some of our other guests. I'm going to stick around, yeah. Fantastic. And you're going to sing another song a little later in the show as well.

All right. Fantastic. Dan Mangan, everyone. We should get to our next guest. And Dan, I think you're going to be very interested in this because he also was a musician. He was in a European rock band in the 60s. Please welcome John Lennon. John Lennon.

Sure, right there is great. Yes. Okay. All right. Hello. Hello. Hello, John. Well, I was going to say, welcome to be here.

Thanks for having me. Have a seat. Thank you very much. I forgot. That's right. You're like a sitting vampire? I'm vampiric when it comes to sitting. You have to be invited. Right.

But I won't bite your neck. Now, wait a minute. John, this is Ho-Ho. Hello. Hi, Ho-Ho. Did you ever give a toy? toys to John Lennon here? I wonder if he was a naughty kid. Oh yeah, well, do you remember what you got

for Christmas growing up? Yeah, I remember I got to deflated soccer ball. He was just a little bad. And this is Dan Mangan. He's another musician. Hello, Dan. Oh, a musician. That would explain the guitar. You know, I have a guitar of my own. It's fantastic. It's got to...

Do you ever use a whammy bar? I don't see one on there. You wouldn't don't on an acoustic, but that's a musician. talk. I bet half your audience has no idea what I'm talking about. They just tuned out right then. No whammies! Well, exactly. No whammies for me.

At the moment, my whammy bar connected to my guitar is at my friend's house. Are you more upset about the whammy bar? Normally people would say my guitar is at my friend's house. You're like, my whammy bar is at... My wami bar attached to an electric... A fender stratacaster.

Oh, good guitar. Good British. Great. Mm-hmm. It's at your friend, so. Who's your friend? My friend is my old drummer for my old band, and I haven't seen him. I've seen him recently,

but he won't give it back to me, you know, the guitar. The band is... The band is the European band The Beatles. Was, was, we don't tour anymore. We don't even see two of them. And the drummer's name is, of course... Too soon. Oh, the drummer's Ringo.

Ringo star. Sure. One of the best drummers in the world. In my opinion, in a lot of people's opinion. Well, there's smart people then, whoever you're talking about. I was looking for a place to put my foot. Yeah, there is no place to put feet here. You've got to go really high up.

I got the best one. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Thank you, Dan. I've always wanted John Lennon's foot on my stool. That was uncomfortable for me because I was, my hamstrings, so tight from jogging this afternoon.

You jog? This afternoon. You'd jog, too, if there was a guy with a gun. Hey. That's bringing back a lot of bad memories for John. No, this is a part of my life. I want to forget. It was very painful for me

physically and emotionally. When you died? When I died. Right. When I died. If we could move on, whoever's hosting this could really move this. Oh, it's me.

But I, just so. Dan knows what's going on. You were dead for four years. Right. And I came back alive in 1984 because I liked the title of that book. Did I have it? I'm going to read it. I have it. Now I've got the library card now, so I can go down and get...

When did you get the library card? Well, it's a little embarrassing. I got it back in October. Why don't you just buy the book? You know, sure I have a lot of money, but purchases like that when I can get it for free at the public library. It's just not being smart with your money.

Plus then you have a house with a book in it You know instead of a clean nice clean house Right you know those That's a good point You don't want too much clutter Because then you get a book and then the next thing You know you've got a T set right next to it And then you're oh there's two things here

Why don't I just throw my coat down And the next thing you're emailing your friends Check me out this week on hoarders So John what are you doing in Vancouver? I mean, I've seen you on several stops along the way here on the tour. Well, I'm taking a little bit of a vacation. Ringo and I split up for my fishing trip. He had to go back home.

That's right. You were fishing in Denver. Denver, Colorado. You have a fish shirt on that says Colorado. That's right. It's a picture of a fish. Right, and he's got a hat on and a pipe in his mouth. That's funny.

How's he going to smoke underwater? That's your target audience here. Yeah, no. You can make shirts with any animal with anything in their mouth. No, you can't. I couldn't, but I'm sure somebody could. So you and Ringo were in Denver, you were fly fishing. Right.

Right, and you hurt your toe. I hurt my toe. I got stung by a bunch of bees, 30 or 40. And we didn't, you know, we didn't catch a thing. I'm so sorry. Well, we had no idea what we're doing. I had the only bug we could catch, because you know you have to make a lure.

I caught a butterfly. You caught a butterfly? The degree of difficulty on that is very high. Well, it was tough, but I had a good net. Oh, okay. Now with the pole. With the net. Right.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I see what you is. I caught a butterfly with a net and then made a lure out. Okay, I see what you're saying. And you see what I'm saying. Yes. Yeah, we understand.

But do they see what she's saying? That's not how you do that joke. It's just, that's what she said. No, isn't it, you know, if someone says, you know, I've got, I've got something in my mouth. Oh, isn't that what she should have been saying? I don't know. Look, I've seen the British and American office.

I think I'd know. Really? Not a lot of people can claim that. So you split up with Ringo and then why did you come to Vancouver? I'd never been up here before. I knew it was a nice place to be. And I heard there was orca whales out in the water. Orca whales.

Right. And I said, well, you know, I've seen those only on logos for theme parks. You've never gone into the theme park? No, I've just driven by it. So, geez, if I only had a coupon, it would be worth it. Why are you so cheap? No, listen, I'm not cheap. I'm saving my money for a rainy day.

There's an orca library here. You can just borrow one every now and then if you want. Really? Now, as, you know, it's just a tourist, I don't know if you're lying to me. What would I do with it? I'd probably, you know, try to recreate some of those free willy scenes.

With you as the kid, kind of go like this? Yeah. And you're jumping over you? Right. And I'd try. I think that's the whole movie. That was just, that was the only scene in the movie. It was the first fully slow-mo movie.

If my cinema history serves me correctly, I tried to take a class of Columbia. You watch movies and there's always slow motion in it and everyone's fine with it. What if there was fast motion in every movie? It was just people walking. Hey. Hey, come here. Hey, well, why don't you get over here?

Oh, don't you want the blue pill or red pill? But somehow everyone's cool with slow motion. Did you say blue pill, red pill? Yeah, hey, hey, Neil. You a fan of the Matrix? I love them. I love the, I, they get better as they go. Mm-hmm.

But, you know, I haven't seen them in a little bit. So you came up here just because Orcas were up here. Right, and I just, and I'd never been, and I want to take some time out and have a little fun. I needed a vacation for my vacation with him. Sure, yeah. Plus, you know, as I told you, I'm trying to find a job, so I needed a little, I just want to decompress fully before I went on the job hunt. What job are you looking for again? Anything, really, but I need, you know, I need my weekends free.

That's not optional. Non-negotiable for you. Right. You got to only work Monday through first. Right. Exactly. Right. What can you do?

What are your special skills? Well, you know, I can play the guitar and I can sing songs. You can inspire Beetlemania. Ooh. That's true. We did that once back in the 60s. Everyone went nuts for our band. I remember.

Yeah. Because, you know, we were really rock and roll stuff, you know? People still like the Beatles. They still revere the Beatles. Right. You know that number one album, that album number one? Yeah, number one, yeah. It's selling like crazy.

And somebody told me, a friend of mine. What friend? Well, he was in the band, this friend of mine. You're talking about Ringo again. Ringo, right, it was Ringo. He said, hey, you know, I was down at the library, the New York City Library, and they've got a number one album there. So, you know, if we do it right, we can keep taking it out and switching it off.

own it almost. You must already have it. I have it downloaded, but I really love to have a physical disc. Why do you need a job, by the way? Just for something to do. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, you've been now alive for so long, and you're not going to be dead. Right.

Like, can you die again, or do you... Yeah, I think I can die again, but come alive if I want. Right. When you... Let me get into some details about this. If you were to get, like, smashed by a truck, would you come alive and you would be all mangled? Well, no, because, you know, I don't have that hole in my body anymore

where the bullet went through. So you're just, you're healed when you come back. You healed up, right. Yeah. Chill. But if, you know, you get flattened like a pancake, it takes a little longer. To inflate. Right.

What? How does one get flattened like a pancake? You know, if you're walking down a street, or if you're over at, if you're shooting, the free willie movie. And an orca falls on you? That's right. You'll fall flat.

Like a pancake. Hey, you know, waffles are flat too. No, they're not. I think you're thinking of crepes. Maybe I am thinking of crepe. What is a waffle? You put a spoon, you put milk in a spoon, right? Milk in a spoon.

Have you ever eaten anything before? Now, here's a fun fact about me. I've never had breakfast. Is it because how late you get up? I'm always so sleepy in the morning. Just, you know, unless I have my coffee, I'm a monster. Give me a cup of coffee and I'm out the door. I do everything in the last minute in the morning.

I never learn. Did you write that song that woke up, got out of bed? That's right. Yeah. Yes, put a comb upon my head. I found my way downstairs and had a cup. about what, yeah. Right, right.

I can't do breakfast. I'm already running late. What about a waffle? Notice there's no mention of eggs in the song. Right. But we had an egg song, we had a song about an egg man. Scramble eggs. Oh, and the Eggman.

Right. Yeah, that's right. Now, but Paul, did Paul write both of those? Or did you write the Eggman? Who ended up writing those? I think it may have been George Martin actually said. He was actually at the typewriter. But we were all sort of circling around him.

We would write our songs together, all of us. One word at a time. George R.R. Martin? No, George Martin. Ho-ho is confused. She's thinking of... Oh, I thought I said something wrong. Yeah, George Martin, R. A fifth beetle.

She thinks George R.R. Martin, the Game of Thrones author, is who you're talking about. Oh, wouldn't that be something? Got up. Said hi to John Snow. Got a cup of wine from... Tedarius. Keep going.

Well, I don't want to give any spoilers, but I know one. Talk about Hodor. Scott, that's what I didn't want to say. For those of you who haven't seen the latest Game of Thrones,

Hodor's fine. Haudor's fine. What happens in the everybody loves Raymond finale? I haven't caught up yet. Yeah, those two twins they have They end up going off to college At a young age

They were like eight at the time Right, but they were geniuses In the last season they got really smart That was the whole last season Was just about them like, you know, doing math problems Yeah, I don't think Peter Boyle or Ray Romano show up at all In the last season Or maybe I'm thinking of the sweet life with Zach and Cody

That's what you're thinking of I get those confused Yeah So now Dan here is a musician and you're a musician you know, what do a musician Oh, we'll duet on something Oh, great, all right

Do you know any Beatles songs, Dan? I do. Which ones do you know? I will. I will, that's a beautiful song. Yesterday? Yesterday. I've just seen a face.

Oh, that's a good one. Actually, when I was eight, I learned the entirety of Abbey Road on the piano. Wow. Really? That was like my thing, and I got so excited that I could play it all,

and I made my parents totally fucking insane, playing it over and over here. A whole album. What was it like growing up without friends? The TV show? Yeah. Because you don't get that up here in Canada, right? Could I?

It would be horrible. Any more annoying? Could you play a little bit of a Beatles song here for us? Do you do? I hate to bring it up, and I know this is a surprise for you, but this is exciting for me. I mean, it must be exciting for you, John, to hear someone else sing one of your songs?

Well, yes, it'll be interesting to hear. And it'll be... And I'll be watching every movement you make to make sure you don't mess anything up. It's hard for you not to join in, isn't it? I know, it's such a great song. Dan, I'll try not to join in, but I don't know how... Please do, please do. All right.

Who knows how long I've loved you. Sorry, I told you. It's hard to do, but you... I love you still. Lifetime. You want me too. I always went low on that. You can't hear it on the album.

They turned you down. Because it sounded horrible. They knew what they were doing, those other three. I threw it all on the wall, and whatever stuck. We kept, go ahead, Dan. Are we read it? Second verse. Amen's the first.

No, it's different. Yeah, it's slightly different. And if I ever saw you, I didn't catch your medicine matter. He's feels to get. Oh, he's talking. John Lennon invented rap. Oh, I wish I'd be a multimillionaire. You are!

It's not very polite to talk finances. Julian could have gone to college. All right, closing up strong, Dan. Here we go. That's fine. Your song will feel... That's singing. Okay, this should be easy to be near. This is meant for a tenor.

My gosh. I thought you'd be better, John. Well, never meet your idols. Yes, never. I know, I met Michael Jordan once. He dugged on me. I have to ask. Tell us this story.

I was in Chicago seeing, I was trying to go to the top of that building, the tallest one they have. Just see what it was like up that high. And a friend of mine was also in town there. And he said, hey, I got an idea. You know, we might be able to get into the team if we tell him we're from the Beatles.

I said, I don't know. What friend is telling you this? One of the Beatles I was with, who I'm usually with, all the time. Ringo. Ringo. Right. Ringo, right. And I said, they'll never care about us.

You know, we're not even a band anymore. He said, no, and people still like the band, trust me. I said, fine, I put, you know, shove my hands in my pockets, put my coat collar up. This is not going to work. I said. That's what you do when you're disappointed? Yeah, you know, I kick the ground, kick a rock if I see it.

They'll put on a sour face the whole way. This is stupid. I could have been on the Sears Tower, you know. And they said, we got to the door. They saw us before we even got there. They said, come in and meet the whole team. I said, I can't believe it. I don't have anything for them to sign.

So, you know, I had them sign my pants. And the coat. what, the coat was so nice. And well, and I went in, they were practicing, and I said, you know, I look, you know, almost a mile high at some of these guys. They're all so tall. And I said, Mr. Jordan, you know, you're the best I've ever seen.

Can I play one-on-one? He said, fine, but it's got to be a full game. And I said, what? Wait, all four quarters? All four quarters. So, you know, something like 15-minute quarters was a little bit. Oh, my God. And I'm not in any type of shape at that time.

That's why, you know, I'm jogging. now, but so... Just today. Today, but it's... I'm gonna continue. I know it. This one's gonna stick. And he's...

I'm playing him. We got a ref out there. Scotty Pippin is cheering for me just as a joke, you know. And it's tied, you know. It's tied? At zero, zero at the start of the game? Right at the beginning of the game. Right.

And it took maybe four seconds for him to dunk right on my head. My glasses shot... Dumped on your head. He dunked the ball through the hoop, hit my head, bong, and my legs shoot out to the side, shoot out to the side, and I sort of do a split. And I'm, my glasses are gone. They're gone for the rest of the game.

And God, he must have beaten me 500 to, I don't think I had any points. It was like a practice for him. But I didn't have my glasses, so I'd always, I'd always wanted to get back to play him. But I haven't been to Chicago since. And I've never been on top of that. C.S. Tower.

What a story. Wow. John Lennon. It's one I never tell. Oh, boy. Man, when you're a kid, summer freedom means sleeping in, no homework, and no one telling you what to do. Freedom looks a little bit different when you're an adult. Sometimes it's just finding easy ways to make life less expensive and less complicated, like finally ditching that over. overpriced phone bill? Well, that is why I was excited about MintMobil's summer sale. I switched to MittMobile because I realized I was paying way too much for a service. I just needed to

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Oh, man. Uh-oh. Ho-ho! What are you doing here? I don't know, Daddy. God damn it, Ho-ho, don't call me that. Santa Claus. Santa Claus.

and gentlemen. Yeah, hi. Save you, save your energy, everybody. Why are you so mad? Why did you leave the North Pole? This is a very busy time. I came down to shoot our show. Shoot our, what are you talking about?

What kind of shit has this guy been saying on you? Oh shit. Wait, you've been lying about your pilot? Of course I have. Does this surprise you, dipshit? Hey, wait, turn on me. Because you're dumb. Why didn't you let me know that, oh,

was down here. What am I supposed to text you whenever I see ho-ho? Ho-ho? That's right, you never will. Oh, I'm very angry with you. Okay, whatever. What are you gonna do? You didn't see that coming?

No, I didn't. Why did I say that? Because you're such an opposite guy. You think, oh, you said, grab me. Oh, you said, grab me. I want to ground. Oh, I do want to ground you. Fuck! Ho-ho.

Watch your language. Uh-uh. Watch this. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh! It made me so goddamn mad. Listen, we got a lot of work to do making toys for the kids. You need to fuck your wife.

Ho-ho. Ho-ho. My relationship with my wife is none of your affair. She's been needing it. You better stop talking about this. Her kids are full of milk. What are you talking about? You need your cookies and milk, baby.

You're such a weird freak. You don't even understand human anatomy. I understand it. Candy King goes in pussy. Ugh, the worst. Just the worst. Santa, why is May so busy for you? Now, you're asking that question

like I'm some kind of asshole who doesn't know my own schedule, but guess what I do? Because as a matter of fact, tomorrow is Canadian Christmas Eve. I shouldn't even fucking be here. That should be the goddamn North Pole hammered a bunch of wooden horses and shit.

Why do you still make those dumb toys? That's tradition, ho-ho. God damn it. Oh, ho. Why does Canada celebrate Christmas in May? I don't know what they do. They got all their weird holidays all switched around. Do you know where their Martin Luther King Jr. day is? December 25th.

It's October 31st when everyone else is having Halloween. Their Halloween's January 3rd. It's weird. I love you guys, I love you. You know I love you. Not an adult so much, the kids I love. You like the kids. I love those kids. You gotta look out for kids.

Yeah, they're innocent. Yeah. That's right, they are. They are. Some of them, some of them. There are some bad kids, that's right, they're naughty. You gotta admit it. So they don't get toys. Yeah, they don't get toys.

Oh, you creep me the fuck out. You little weirdo. Santa, why did you hire Ho-Ho in the first place? We've been over this. To remind me. To restore balance in the universe. Everyone gets presents on Christmas. Everyone.

So good little boys and girls, they get toys. And bad little boys and girls, they get weapons that Ho-Ho-O delivers. Right. It makes sense. Sure, sure. And by the way, Santa, this is Dan Mangon. Hi. Long time fan.

Yeah, thanks. You got that a lot? It happens. Do you get recognized? Do I fucking get recognized? Like, do people see a gigantic man in a red Santa suit? A white beard. Santa hat.

You're the only person. And do people say, I wonder if that's Santa. Are you one of the only people who has a hat named after your name? Me and Davy Crockett, motherfucker. That guy drives me crazy. Go find the rest of the polyphonic spree.

That was uncalled for. I'm sorry, dude. Good one, Santa. No, no. You like it. That means I did the wrong thing. Hey, who's that over there? This is John Lennon. Yeah.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead. Oh, I came back alive. It's not cool, dude. I'm not hurting. anyone. You're disrupting things. Also, I Will is a Paul song, motherfucker. I know that, but I enjoy it.

You like wrecking it is what you like doing. Well, I had a little fun doing it. Yeah, you're like this one. No, no, no, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. Yo-co. Hey, oh. I don't want to talk about her.

Please. She's not here, is she? I hope not. Because I'm not giving that. baray back. Terrible marriage. Marriage supposed to be built on trust. Oh yeah, that's what you're saying? Ho-ho. Ho-ho. What are you saying about my marriage, Mr. Claus? I've seen where you go at night.

You mean around the world delivering goddamn toys? Yeah, around the world delivering toys. Yeah. Well, where have I been then? I saw you went to a gay club. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. What are you talking about? Oh, I saw it. What club was this?

The butthole. How do they get away with that? They spell with one T. Okay. A city would say, you know, we can't have that on our street. They spell it B-U-T-W-H-O-E. Oh. Exactly.

Butthole. Is that why Whole Foods only sells donuts? What did you just fucking say? Is that why Whole Foods only sells donuts? Donuts. What the fuck is going on here? It's like living on the bottom of a Dixie Cup. That's a real thinker.

That is a real thinker because, you know, we were talking about W-H-O-L-E for that. Yeah, I remember. I'm thinking, you know, would have Whole Foods. It was two seconds ago, I remember. H-O-L-E. Yeah, we got it, dude. So what you've got, what else would they sell?

Maybe Cheerios. Frito's Ho-Hoop's. That's right. Thank you, Ho-H-Hoh. My favorite fact, Ho-H-O. Ho-ho loves for you. Hoops. I do. Can only get them up here.

Only in Canada. Don't sell them down the stage. I need more. It's weird. It's the only garbage food you can't get in the United States. It's like, why are they withholding? Why they drew the line there?

In the interest of national health, we can't allow hoops into the country. Tell that to the NBA. What the fuck is going on here? What is this laughing? I've been doing a lot of word puzzle games recently. They're finally paying off. Yeah, paying off.

So Santa... It's me Santa. You turn jolly there. Well, I'm a jolly guy by nature. Yeah, it's just, you know, elves like ho-ho. Elf like ho-ho. There are no other elves like ho-ho. Oh, my God, no, you're kidding me?

Most of the elves, what are elves? What are they like? Oh, God. You tell them. What? We have different opinions. You tell them. We have different opinions.

You go first. You go first. And then I'll go after. And I'll go second. Oh. Oh. I said after, but you said second, hoho. Yeah, ho-ho.

So who's going first? Fine. I hate all those little cunts. I suck my dick. They all just want to be good all the time and kiss Santa's big ass. That's why he likes him. Is there any, Upward mobility with elves, like, do they hope to someday get your position at all?

We can fly. What are you kidding me? No elf is hoping to replace me. I'm an immortal, supernatural creature. Yeah, there's no way we can all change roles. We never die. What about, like, there should be one day where you just, like, everyone does each other's jobs. That would be so fun, wouldn't it?

It would be fun for me. I could, like, hammer a horse and then complain all day. Yeah, right. You do during the day. How do you fill your hour? I just jerk off in the corner. Yeah. Switch places with you.

That sounds good. Yeah, it's all you do that too. Not in the corner. In the middle of the room, it's so weird. I do, now, ho-ho. Oh-ho. This is not true. Santa's Workshop has run

exactly how you think it has run. Where there's a bunch of elves singing songs and shit. They're hammering together to horses and they're making dollies. Xbox ones and all that kind of shit. And I walk around.

Hands by my back. Hmm, coming along. Very good, Twinkle. You know, like that kind of shit. I go home. Mrs. Claus has my dinner ready. Gigantic plate of cookies. A gallon of milk.

We watch a few lawn orders and then we go to bed. I thought you only got everybody who loves Raymond. Oh, yeah. Well, I guess his TV gets something else. Oh, dude. Ho-ho.

Raymond in the workshop. Guess what? What? It's only you that sees that. Oh, no. The rest of the day. They see whatever they want to see. It's a magic TV.

Did you hypnotize me or something? You hypnotized yourself. I hate that show. I know. That's why you're making yourself see it because you know you're evil. Oh, that sucks. It does for you.

I don't watch comedy bang, bang. When's the season premiere? It's in like a week. Cool. Not up here, not up here. Oh, I forgot. Sorry, guys. I'll watch it from my bed.

I have a really comfortable bed. Oh, really? When did you get this? Did you get a new bed, Ho-Ho? You must sleep on, like, marshmallows? I did for a while, but it hurt my back, so I ordered a new thing. Oh, really? Yeah.

It came in a box so big I could do cartwheels all over it. Well, it must be big to you, Ho-ho, but I would imagine it's a smaller box to other people. Yeah, it's the size of a mini-fridge for Santa. Yeah. Mini fridge is small to me. I'm big. And the fridge is mini. And I'm smaller than the fridge.

That's right, so it's big to you. Exactly. This is how shit works. Is it a comfortable mattress over? Oh, you bet. Tell us all about it. There's three layers that keep the bed as cool as the other side of the pillow.

That embarrassing thing of going to the mattress store. I hate that. God damn it. It's the worst. It's tough to go. Walk in there. Try to test out the mattress. People are like, well, how come you never gave me

that train set for Christmas? I'm like, hey, dude, I'm off the clock. Let me buy a mattress. This sounds like an excellent mattress. Yeah. Have you ever looked at the side of the mattress and does it have a name on it or anything? I can't read.

Oh, no. Why can't you read? I can only read names. Oh, wait. Oh, wait, that works. What's Lisa. Lisa? Yeah, I thought it was like wing things when I first looked at it, but in my memory, once I said that, I understood what it said.

Right, yeah. Well, Lisa Mattress is the sponsor of our tour. Thanks to them, go buy yourself a Lisa Mattress. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, do it. Santa, can I ask you a question about... Of course.

Now, you see so much Santa stuff, especially around the holidays. Yeah, tell me about it. Movies and TV shows and cartoons. Hey, can I just shut up? Let me tell you something. Here's something. That drives me crazy. They have some actor portraying Santa

buying a fucking car or whatever, or he's like, I don't know, he sees Eminem and he faints or whatever. A bunch of horse shit. Santa Claus, I'm not gonna faint if I see some cartoon Eminem's, God damn it. Also, shut up. That commercial really bothers me

because they're trying to equate Santa legendary supernatural figure with these fucking marketing devices and Santa sees him and says oh they do exist and he fades because you can't believe it

that the M&M's guys are real give me a goddamn break wasn't Santa invented by Coca-Cola? What? Oh no John. What did I say? No, I was just pointing out the fact.

You ever heard of St. Nicholas motherfucker? Yes? Yeah, you have. Yeah, no, I'm just going to put my hands in my pocket and flip my coat collar up and kick some rocks while you're at it. Kick the rocks here on the stage. I'm an idiot.

I shouldn't have a talk. Is there anyone like that that you would be impressed, like Tukan Sam or Count Chocula or something like that? They're on my bucket list, sure. I'd love to meet those guys. Ronald McDonald? Oh, if only. Kids love him.

Kids love Ronald McDonald. He's so friendly. They won't shut up about him. The way he looks is nice, and his hair is nice, too. He looks nice. He has a nice woman's hairstyle. Like a lady your mom works with.

He looks like Carol from my mom's work. After a night of crying and her makeup runs. And she's wearing that weird yellow jumpsuit. Why does Ronald McDonald have that hair? It's weird. It's like so quaffed. I fucking hate him. But I love fries.

Fries are great. Uh-huh. Remember when I said I'd introduce you to the hamburger? Yeah. But you were very naughty. I know. I didn't get to go. I was supposed to have my birthday party at McDonald's.

And you were going to meet the hamburger? Yeah, I was turning a million and two. And the hamburger is a naughty little boy Because he steals hamburgers Yeah, I thought we'd get along real great Yeah But dad said I couldn't meet him Yeah, oh, not your dad

I found out the reason Hoho wanted to meet the hamburger Oh Was because they revamped his image And made him sexy Yeah, uh, give me those tits He didn't have tits I think I see what I want to see all the time

I think you do, Ho-ho Santa, is there any film out there? The question I was going to ask, is there any film that actually is accurate? You know, the Santa Claus or, you know. Yeah, that Tim Allen movie is really accurate. Jack Frost is a 10 out of 10. What's that?

Jack Frost was a 10 out of 10. 10 would bang. Did they show Santa? Wait, Jack Frost, which Jack Frost? The horror movie or the one with Michael Keaton? The one of Michael Keaton? I have a friend in that one. Don't really?

What role does he play of the film? I don't remember. Yeah, that's right, you don't. Maybe it never happened. Is Martin Short in that one? No. No, he played... Hold on a second.

He did play Jack Frost in one of the Santa Claus Secret. Sound Claus 3. Oh, right. All right. Okay, Santa Claus Superfan. I was just tracing through my mind, wondering if actually there was Santa in that movie or not. I realized maybe there's no Santa in that movie.

I don't think Jack Frost had Santa in it. Wait. Hey, assholes. Which Jack Frost are we talking about? The Michael Keaton. Yeah. But there's a really good snowboarding scene. Yeah, probably the best snowboarding scene.

That movie's fucked up. Have you seen it? Did they get tasty air? I wouldn't know. Do they think to themselves? What a thrashable slope? Backscratchers, too? They might have the microphones fucking worked around here. Being fucking rules. Talking about snow.

That sounds good to me. That sounds good to me. That sounds good to me. Oh, we are them boys. I don't care. I love it. I love it. Great string of in jokes, guys.

Jokes. I'm proud of us. The band is fun. That sounds good to me. Oh, the audience, yes. Hello. What are you talking about? The most accurate Christmas movie depicting Santa Claus.

is, of course, reindeer games with Ben Affleck. Rainier Games. That was about a heist or something taking place during Christmas? Yeah, something like that. But Ben Affleck plays a guy named Rudy.

Wink, wink. Yeah. Like the football player. You are one exasperating motherfucker. Let me tell you. Like Rudolph. It's a thinly, story of Rudolph and his rise to power

within the reindeer hierarchy. Really? Is Rudolph like a Hitler of reindeer or something? Tell the truth. Tell the truth. Okay. All right. Reindeer Games is not about a Hitler-like figure's rise to power. It's about how a badass motherfucker had to get shit done. And that's what happened with Rudolph. Really, Rudolph is sort of your rock. He gets things done for you?

Yeah, my rock. The Rock. Like Dwayne, the Rock Johnson gets stuff done for HBO with ballers every Sunday night. I wish it were every Sunday night. It's not year-round. I guess I just see what I want to see on TV. I wish it were 52 episodes a year.

We get more TV episodes in the North Pole than you do here. Really? Yes. shows never end on in the North Pole So, like, Bonanza has still been going? Yep, Bonanza, cheers. Friends?

Emily's reasons why not? Deep cut. Yep, maybe too deep, some would say. Morley safer on 60 Minutes? No, he died. This is... I don't know the rules? Come on.

You're talking fantasy rules. It's a news show, it's a new show. You think it's too soon? Yeah, that would have. sending me. Ho-ho is a big Moorley-Safe fan. Oh, yeah. I love that bitch.

Oh, loved Morley Safer. You love that fat bitch. You said that, not me. Oh, my gosh. Well, Santa, it's so good to see you. I'm sorry that we... I bet it is. You know, I'm sorry we've been taking Ho-Ho away.

But it's always great to see you. I haven't seen you in so long. It's been a while, hasn't it? It's been a while. You've been been a while by the best. Listen You're That's your motherfucker

Yeah, okay Jesus Listen You gotta promise me Next time this creep gets out You gotta let me know Oh, it's very dangerous Dangerous

Really? Yes Kind of cute I'm not dangerous Oh Oh Oh You know you are

Stab He stabbed Die Did I hurt you? Oh he stabbed your phone out Yeah I guess I didn't Hit you I stabbed you

with a sharp, sharp object. Guess what it was. Was it your penis? Yeah. Detachable penis. I love that song. What's your favorite song? Detestable penis.

What's your favorite song, Santa? Probably. Santa Claus is coming to town. Narcissist. It's very informational. It helps keep me on track. If I remember what everyone's all about watching people when they sleep,

watching them when they're awake, knowing who is good and who is evil and being the judge of all. All right, Santa. Well, it's great to have you. Can you stick around? We have another guest. I don't give a fuck. All right, well, let's get to our next guest.

He is a busboy at a restaurant. I've spoken to him. What kind of fucking show is this? I don't know. I spoke to him once before. Please welcome Randy Snuts. Randy Snuts. First of all, I just want to say that I was in the wings

and I heard a lot of scandalous language and I think that's friggin awesome. Good to see you again, Randy. Yeah, great to see you. That's some kick-ass shit. I was just hanging out back there. I was walking around town trying to find a jack asterer's

and I ended up in buttholes. Not what I was expecting. What were you expecting and what was it? I wanted a burger and to watch some sports. you know, watch the big game on TV. And instead, I just, man, my ass got more attention than the time I tricked my girlfriend into giving me a butt massage.

How did you trick her? Huh? How'd you trick her? I just told her to touch my butt. Must be dumb as hell. Yeah, man, she was scandalous, too. She was scandalous? Yeah, she was scandalous.

She always brought the drama if you know what I'm saying, Scott. It was always one thing or another. I'd be throwing a party at my apartment, and she'd be like, what did Kristen talk to you about while you guys were over at the fridge? And I'd be like, Jesus Christ, here we go again. You know what I'm saying?

Hi, drama, you know? She'd be like, what was your mom calling you about? And I was like, God damn it, some family stuff. And she'd be like, I want to know about it. And I'd be like, this is getting too deep. And she'd be like, how deep can it get? And I was like, not with the rhetorical questions, bitch. And she'd be like, I'm out of here.

Is that when you tricked her to tell? touching your butt. It's an honor to meet you, sir. Thank you, Randy. You're very nice. I've always wanted to know if you were fucking immortal or not. I am.

Hell yeah. That kicks ass, dude. My ex-girlfriend once told me that her dad was immortal, but I knew it was a lie. Who's her dad? Some fucking guy. Randy, is he put out with everything asked to about you?

It's probably best that you're not with your ex-girlfriend name. Yeah, man. She was always bringing high drama, scandal. You know, it's not nice to call a woman a piece of shit, but she definitely was. Did you call her that to her face? Hell no. I didn't want to have my foot

chopped off. What? Why would you get your foot? I don't know. When I'm sleeping, it's the easiest thing to grab and cut. Do you have short sheets on the bed? Hey, wait. Sheets are going to keep her out? Hold on. Hold on. It's hard to cut off a foot.

Doesn't matter the length of the sheets. Now when you're as drunk as I am. Dude, I could sleep through a championship game and a fucking subsequent riot. Randy. Hey, Scott, what's going on? So, first of all, some context. I'm a busboy at Scott's favorite restaurant,

D'Dodomios. D'Omeos. I haven't seen you in in a while, man. Well, I've been on tour here. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. This is the last night of the tour. It's a little over three weeks.

You know we deliver, right? I don't think you deliver out of the city limits Dude, I would do that for you Is that why you're here? Yeah, man I got a side of rice and some steam vegetables That's all you brought Dude, I knew it would travel well

Did you eat the rest on the way here? Be honest Yeah, dude, I've been busted What kind of food do you guys serve? It's a bring your own meat establishment So you bring in your meat and you tell us, no, we tell you how we're going to cook it. You don't even get to choose how it's cooked? No, dude, $300 a plate. And it's hit or miss.

And Scott, this is your favorite restaurant. I love it. I don't care. What kind of meat do you bring? Damn it. I've been Icona pops. By the best of them. What kind of meat do you bring?

Like blood sausage? You don't like that? I just pictured him poking it and blood squirting out. And you don't like that? I'm opposite. It checks out. Randy, this is John Lennon, by the way. Wow.

Holy fucking shit. Thank you. Do you do chicken wings? Yeah, as long as you bring them yourself. I could do it. Yeah? Sure. Yeah, of course, man.

I'll give him to the chef and he'll whip something up. Yeah. Chicken wings. I'd want to sort of serve, you know, deep fried with some hot sauce on him. Dude, we don't take requests. That's the problem I'm running into. He doesn't care if you're from the European band The Beatles. Well, what if I sang? What are my songs here with Dan for him?

I mean, we could pretend the chef is here and you could do that. I don't want to. Anyway, things are going good at work. Oh, yeah. Man, you know, remember when Kobe, got in trouble in Colorado and he was like, at least I got basketball. Yeah.

Well, my situation is nothing like that. At least you have that woman? I don't exactly remember what happened with him. I'm more of a Michael Jordan fan. Going through Kobe's Colorado case, it's not really appropriate for, I don't know, 1,500 plus seat venue. That's what I thought.

It's fascinating, but, you know, it's nothing you can't find out. What I was trying to say is like, I enjoy working and it helps me get away from the scandal that is my life. You have a scandalous life. Yeah, man, all the time. Ladies are always coming at me saying, what's up? And that's high drama for you. Hell yeah.

Because I'm, here's the thing, I'm quick to commit. You are, really? Oh, yeah. At what point do you say, I love you? Man, before the end of the first date. See, here's my deal. I'll do anything to get pussy. So three little words will do it.

Man, I'll say it before the appetizers come. What's your success rate with that scheme? I actually have a spreadsheet at home on Google Docs, and it's 78% right now. It's pretty high. With women you said I love you two, or with just dates in general? I mean, just dates in general. Wow.

Yeah. That's incredible. Then the problem is, Is that like, since I'm always in like that mode, then I'll have a girlfriend like that, you know? Yeah. And then like, girls start talking to me or I start talking to some girls, and then my girlfriend gets upset.

And then it's just non-stop drama. And then, you know, shit goes down. Yeah. Well, maybe, you know, maybe you should just try to juggle women, you know, date around, you know. Oh. Not be exclusive. You can do that? Yeah.

You can, you know, I mean, I wouldn't know that much about it these days. But... Not that much. But you can, yeah, you can, you know, sort of play the field, as they say. Well, I wouldn't really know how to go about doing that. Like, would I just tell a girl like, hey, like, I just want to have sex?

Yeah, I mean, some girls would appreciate that, you know? I mean, Dan? I'd appreciate that. All right, but I'm not trying to fuck Dan. This is the problem I have everywhere I go. I mean, well, I'm not going to say no. I mean, maybe I'd fuck Dan. I don't know.

No, I'm not saying that you and Dan are going to have sex. I'm saying that sometimes, like, ladies out there, who would appreciate just, you know, a nice, honest, hey, I want to have sex with you. Oh. They thought you were asking. Ho-ho! You got ho-hoed. I mean, I'm in Canada. Like, maybe Dan and I hook up tonight.

I don't know. No, it's not in Canada. Anything goes up here, man. Anything goes? Yeah, dude. All right. Have you had experiences like that down in the States ever? Like with guys?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm as by as the day as long. Then why are you saying you'll try it? Because it's Canada. Oh, I've never been with a Canadian guy. Oh, okay. The Canada part was what was throwing you. Dude, I'm a firm believer in aliens.

Maybe Canadian people are, like, configured differently. I don't know. But, dude, like, for me, it's all about love. Like, I don't see, like, gender, you know, or genitalia. You don't see Janitalia? You're dating the wrong people. Yeah, that's what she would have said should that information been brought to her.

And also the thing that was said would also have to be slightly different to make it more euphemism, euphemistic. But, you know, we're just talking, so I've seen all the offices and maybe you've seen some of them too. But, you know, there's an easier way of saying that.

But you know what I'm getting at. Just keeping it light and a little nasty. I'm going to turn this way now. Sure. I'm surprised you hadn't yet. So Randy, what do you hope to do while you're up here in Canada? I mean, you're here to deliver me food, but now you're on a stage with Santa and Elf and John Lennon and Dan Mangan and, well, Me.

All right. I mean, don't get me wrong, like this kicks ass, so I'll probably bask in the glow of this for the rest of the night. I'll probably tell Santa what I want for Christmas. What do you want for Christmas? He's right here.

You might as well tell me. Dude, I wouldn't mind all of the offspring CDs. You know, a lot of libraries have those that you can take for free, and if you have a card. So you might not want to waste you. the gift on that because you can get it for free, but whatever you want to do. Dan, do you know any offspring songs?

Not since I was 16. Did you learn something? Oh, I knew them, yeah. They're gone, though. Which ones did you learn? Long gone. Why don't you get a job? Come out and play. You got to keep them separated. Hey, hey, I don't remember that one, sure.

If you're under 18, he won't be doing any time. Come out and suck me dick. He'd go, come on him. play. It's a great hook on that song. Baird-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dh. Right? Remember? That's good. All right, well, I guess I gotta tell some elves to make a bunch of fucking offspring CDs.

That'd be great, dude. I work out to that stuff. Good for you. So you already have it? Yeah, but I want it from Santa's... I want it from Santa's bag. I'll leave out some milk and cookies. Thank you. Yeah.

Hey. Yeah. It'd be fun to leave out like just a hot, savory dish for Santa sometime. Like a casserole? Yeah, like a casserole. I'm like a, I don't know, lukewarm glass of cranberry juice.

What? Hey. Santa's not trying to hear that shit. I don't want... Don't get any ideas, anyone. I don't want some weird casserole with your grandma's recipe or whatever. I need my...

I need the sugar for energy. What do you need the milk for? To wash out the goddamn cookies. I'm supposed to eat a million dry cookies? Use your head, Ackerman. What about like seven up or something? Whoa. A cookie and a seven up.

Come on. Grow up. He's going to be burping. Not four years old. Come on. I don't know. A lukewarm glass of cranberry juice really keeps your piss stream clear.

That's a moment. mortal problem, dude. It's not, that's not an issue for me. Oh yeah, I forgot Santa's a mortal. Yeah. That's got to come in handy when other people are dying. You know, you learn to live with it because at first, people that you love, they pass away, and then that gets to be so painful.

After a while, you don't let yourself get close to anyone. Who did you love, Santa? Who was the original? Many friends over the years. Yeah? Other saints. St. Augustine? I love that dude. He used to party. Then he got all cleaned up. Like, good for you. You had your fun.

So do you just try to meet other immortals? Is that why you married Mrs. Claus? Yeah, I made her immortal. Oh, you did? You can bestow immortality upon people? If I want to. I'd like to be immortal. You're not going to like the method.

Wait. Is it a hard handshake? You're closer. Really? Anyone you have Congress with? Congress. Look at this guy. Hello, would you like to have Congress with me? I'm being up front.

Will that work on girls? Anyone you have sex with? Is there a special method you have to use? Yeah, it's called insertion of the penis. Look what you're doing to me. Dragging me down in the mud with you. So is Mrs. Claus the only woman that you've ever been with? Uh-oh.

I... Oh, ho. Oh. Surprise you haven't blabbed her all over the place. No, I just still lies for the first 20 minutes. I have been with other women. There was a lady before Mrs. Claus. Really?

Yeah. Tell us about her. Is she still with us? No, she's long, long dead. Really? In the ground. Skeleton by now. What was her name?

Mary Todd Lincoln. We didn't even have sex. We just made out and it drove her insane. So very sorry, Santa. Thanks. What is Mrs. Claus' name? Did she have a first name? It's none of your goddamn business.

Of course she has a first name. Well, that's private. That's only for me and her to know. Yeah, she's not allowed to talk to anyone. She's not allowed to talk to people at the North Pole? She, by, I've advised Mrs. Claus, my wife, that it's a bad idea to talk to the elves. What?

Yeah, but he didn't say we can't fuck her. Hello. Hello. It's very rude. I know. No, I didn't say that. I'm not the kind of guy. Go to my Jake Lamata.

I'm going to go around. Hey, this is my wife. Don't fuck her. I take it for granted. I want that pill. I want that pill. That's what he wanted for Christmas. He wanted that pill.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Very good. Dude, I got one word for Santa and Mrs. Claus's situation. Yeah. Scandalous.

I bet. Hey, Dan, do you have another song that you... Hey, you guys want to get bummed out again, or what? Yeah. Yeah. Let's hear another song with Dan. Another new song? Whoa!

This is unprecedented. Live leak. John, are you going to sing along to this one? I think I'll make up some lyrics. No, Dan, I would never do that. How could I have known? The hollowness of bone Until I was shown

The way of being alone The edge of all that is Piercees slowly in Opens up the skin Take as well as give The whistleblowly sound For blindness Mare of the town

This is how the deal came came to be This is how the deal The decency of youth I am so fed up with all of you Present company decent and unawake Back to my senses

The whistleblowered Sounded out of all the willful blindness This is This is how Dan Mangut. That's beautiful. Wow. I started a new podcast called Bummer Bang Bang.

That's beautiful, though. Thank you. Do you know any Christmas songs? Not on the guitar. What do you know of? I know Santa Claus is coming to town, though. Everyone knows that song. It's the best.

You had me at Santa Claus is coming. I'm trying to think of somebody worse than you, and I'm drawing a blank. Yeah. You remember that time? I kicked the shit out of you. All right, all right. You kind of prison rules

taught me a lesson. Yeah, you were talking some shit over FaceTime. You forgot I was a supernatural being. I fucking came down from the North Pole and I fucking kicked your ass. You're so squishy, though. It was like being hit by pillows, soft pillows. Yeah, that knocked your fucking teeth out.

What do we have to expect this Christmas, guys? Is there anything coming up? Snow. That's it, just no? I mean, what do you mean? Like, toys, like, is there anything interesting coming out? Like, what are the new toys that we can expect for Christmas? Everyone wants video games, they want dolls, they want all the same shit they want every year.

Like, what do you want to hear? I don't know, like, sometimes there's like cabbage patch kids, you know, like the hot new trends. Are you asking me what do kids like? Are you just avoiding this question for some reason? You know what I'm talking about? I feel like you want me to, like, give you a secret. info on some toys that, like, we're responsible.

We have to give the kids what they ask for. So they want brats dolls, we're going to make them Bradstals. But you've been getting these letters all year, right? Yeah. You get them... Yeah. When do they start? The day after Christmas, I would imagine. Oh, my God. The day of. Yeah. Some kids, here, get a load of this shit.

Some of these kids, and I love the kids. I love them. Some of these kids leave me their list for next year on Christmas Eve. So I'm putting the presence out of the goddamn tree. And I'm like, oh, what's this? Someone wants to leave a note and says,

I love you, Santa, thanks for the gifts. Uh-uh. It's like next year, here's what I want. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I want, I want, I want. It's like when a teacher puts homework on the board, right, at the beginning of class. We already don't want to be there.

Don't remind us of the next thing. And my pencil is broken. It's exactly like that. It's exactly what it's like. Here's what kids are asking for. A lot of kids. for some reason. They're asking for some doll called doll so real. Dolls. Dolls so real. Doll so real. I've never heard of this. It's a curry dish. This guy,

Mark Russell over here. Was Mark Russell a nice little boy or a naughty little boy? Mark Russell was a nice little boy and that's why he wasn't funny. I said, I don't know, I'm talking, that was a roast For roast sake. Who cares? Humor is subjective. Good for you, good for you, Mark Russell, if you're still alive,

playing that piano with the stars on it. And I'm trying to make guns for babies. Really? They're trying to make guns... They're trying to make guns safer these days, you know, with like, you know,

safety locks and fingerprint technology. Yeah, I'm trying to stop that. Yeah. Ho-ho, we've had a big discussion about whether or not there's such a thing is a bad seed. And Ho-ho says some babies are born evil, and they should get guns.

Yeah, you can tell right away. But I've been trying to tell them, they can't even hold the goddamn things. But you're trying to figure out a way that a baby can hold a gun and shoot it. Yeah. So would it be like, you know, it would be like a mitts that you put over a baby?

Good idea. Why are you doing this? Why are you helping them out? That's going to really make you work. Thanks. Here's the one thing we got going for us is babies can't support their own heads so their aim will be for shit.

Doll's so real. I guess it's the most realistic doll. It can walk around and it can talk. It complains. It complains. It complains. Does it have genitalia? Oh.

The fuck is wrong with you. Man, you're nasty. Why are you asking about a child's toy if it has genitalia? You said it was the most realistic one. Well, then read between the lines, you creep. Yes, it has genitalia. Is that what you wanted to hear?

It has a functioning digestive system. It's a kid. It's a child. I'm not interested. I'm just, you know, asking... Yeah, okay. You're not interested. Just asking questions about it.

A lot of weird follow-ups about Dalgenitalia. Do it have a pussy? That's you. Can I please show me? I've never seen one. What's a pussy look like? They said it's a hole. I don't know.

They ripped that page out of the book in school. Do they sell them at Whole Foods? What are you doing now? This is his joke. That's something that I had said. But seriously, like, all joking aside, does it really have a pussy? Oh, come on now. Guys, it's a very lifelike doll

that is, for all intents and purposes, a human being. But it lacks a soul. And you can tell when you look into its eyes. Every elf that's worked on one of these dalsal reels has gone mad. What do you do with the crazy elves? We have a place. Is it like an insane asylum, like an Arkham asylum up there at the North Pole? From Batman?

It's a living grave. He just digs a hole and covers it. Hey! He's still alive and there forever. Oh. There's more to it than that. It's an underground facility. He puts chips in it.

They like chips. That's all it is wrong about that. It's the only difference of my. They love... Elves love chips. We do. I thought elves just ate candy. We just ate candy?

Not like previously you just ate candy. I mean you only ate candy. Oh, ho, ho, oh. I just ate candy. I birth it. What? You birth it? She just ate.

Oh, just ate. Rub your eyes. Baby needs a nap. I don't want to get off the stage. It's going to be over. Aw. Oh, so sad. So sad.

You like this tour, don't you? Well, I feel like you, going around traveling from city to city, giving people, you know... Gifts, which they'll all get. That you have backstage. Oh, like Oprah? Right.

Everyone check under your chairs. You all get free gum. ABC gum. Yeah, that's right. Cool. Well, guys, do you have any last final words We gotta wrap it up. I mean, we're getting to the...

Yeah, it's terrible. I don't want to leave, but do you have final words for the people out here? We have one last thing after this, but do you have any... Any words of wisdom? Can I start?

Sure. Santa, please. Listen up, assholes. I'm immortal, but I know that for you, life is short. You gotta be good to each other. Hold each other tight. Be nice.

Let go of those. dumb arguments you have, there's nothing that you can't apologize for, make it okay. Jesus Christ, God damn it. Just be kind and be good to kids for fuck's sake. Wise words. What I gotta say? Wise words. Ho-ho, what do you?

Oh, ho. Well, I just want to say, I want to echo Santa's sentiments and say, uh, that's my candy king, dick. Thank you. A popular sentiment. Moving over here to Dan, Dan, anything you want to say to the people? Thanks for coming to Vancouver, folks. Yeah, oh, of course.

Nice to have you. Yeah. John, do you... Yeah, if you wear glasses to see distances, invest in some rec specs of sports goggles because you never know when you're going to be in a situation where you're playing. What are your heroes?

And my God... I'm not kidding myself. I didn't think I was going to beat him, but I did want to see him. Sure, sure. Sure, yes, John Lennon. Thank you. Randy, what do you have for the people?

I mean, I'm just going to come right out and say it. Like, I think people need to be less scandalous to each other. And I think when it gets down to it late at night and it's you and somebody else, turn out the light and forget what janetalid is. Just go at it. Yeah. Well, guys, if there's been one sort of theme song for this tour

as we've been going along, It's been one song that we've sung in almost every episode And I wanted to kind of take the time here at the end Just to close it out and sing our Sort of the anthem of the tour if that's okay I don't care I love it Oh you do too, oh oh oh

And that's exactly what I'm talking about I'm of course talking about Icona Pop's iconic pop song It's I love it I don't care engineer Ryan do you have that for us I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone I let it burn

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