Threedom - Comedy Bang! Bang! Live In Washington DC, 2016

Episode Date: January 15, 2026

As Them Threedom Boys take a short hiatus, they give you a treat to tide you over: Live Comedy Bang! Bang! performance from the Lincoln Theatre in Washington DC, featuring Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkus as Chazmin & Sunny and Neil Campbell as angry teen Rick Faber.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Paul, is there a right time for better health? I don't think so. That's what I thought, too. Okay. I'm glad we're on the same page with that. Yeah. There's just now, right? That's so true.

Now is the time for better. Bestie? Yes. Anyway, AG1 is the easiest and most impactful habit that you can implement this year. And you know what, Scott? Sustainable health is about consistency, not perfect. So you want to simplify your nutrition with AG1, multivitamin, pre-and-probiotic, superfoods, and antioxidants in one scoop. I hate oxidants.

I'm going to do all that plus post-biotics. I'm going to invent those. I'm just going to do biotics. Sure. Okay. AG1 is the opposite of complexity. 20 seconds, one scoop, eight ounces of water, you're done. Drink it first thing.

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Only while supplies last. That's drinkag1.com slash freedom. Drink ag1.com slash freedom. It's morning in New York. Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin. And I'm Catherine Grotty. And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us. Many of you have asked for our advice. Tell me. me, what is wrong with you people? Don't listen to us. Our take it or leave it advice show is out every Wednesday, premiering October 15th, a Lemonada Media Original. Hey, everyone, Scott A Ackerman here. And it's just me. It's not Paul. It's not Lauren. And I know you may be wondering, why is that? He never goes anywhere without them. Well, I am here alone by myself today. And why is that? Well,

boys are taking a brief hiatus for a couple of months. And while we do it, um, on the days we would normally release a new episode of the show. We're releasing old episodes from the Comedy Bang Bang 2016 tour. Now, this was a tour where, uh, as the Threatom lore goes, this, uh, had Paul and Lauren doing every single tour date, uh, of Comedy Bang Bang. And this is where we got very tight and became great friends. And so, and these are classic, classic, classic, shows. It's been very funny and very fun for me to listen to these as we put them out. Now, this one is from May 9th, 2016, Washington, D.C. This is when we performed at the Lincoln Theater. And this is a, I got to say, it's an SEC. This is a stone cold classic. Now, if you've

never heard Comedy Bang Bang before, it's, the format is, it's a talk show. I'm the host of the talk show as myself. And I have comedians on playing guests and playing fake people. So Paul F. and Lauren are going to be playing characters in this. And in this one, they're playing two very classic characters. They're playing Chasman and Sunny. Chasman and Sunny morning drive time DJs. Very, very fun, very crazy.

This is pure freedom energy from the jump. So this is a really great one. We also have Neal Campbell, who you may have heard. last week, I believe, doing the Timekeeper. He's back as angry teen Rick Faber, which is a very funny. This one would make us really laugh when we were on tour together. Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear more from this tour or from any tour or even just Comedy Bang Bang episodes in general, Comedy Bang is a free podcast that you can get every Monday, but we also have every single episode we've ever done, about 950 of them,

as well as every live episode from this tour and every tour, they're all over at CBBWorld.com. And we also have every 3DM episode there, all ad-free. Everything is ad-free over there. Plus, we have other shows. If this is your first taste and you love it, then go investigate over there because there's a ton of stuff waiting for you. Okay, we're going to be back next week.

But until then, enjoy this live episode of Comedy Bang Bang. District of Columbia Columbia I can't say that without imagining Mick Jagger and David Bowie in the Dancing with the Street video District of Columbia I know they don't say that. Hold on. Oh, hold up. Can't forget this.

Our love was a lie. It was wet spaghetti the whole time. High five. Oh, I forgot you were just a dolphin. Man, this life raft smells like dead dolphin. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Captain Pukfish. Why?

That reminds me. We were in the car last night coming back from yesterday's Pennsylvania show, and there's a band called Front Bottom? You like them? You just went like this to your friend. Like, yes, he mentioned Front Bottom. What are the odds? Did you have a bet on that?

Those must be astronomical odds. Bennett! Welcome to the show, everyone. Thank you so much for coming out. DC, one of the best audiences that we have had on all the tours that we come to. So thank you so much for coming. A really interesting room here at the Lincoln Theater. We have balconies up here.

We have side balconies over there. Hello, balcony back there. Oh, I see you. And there's one side balcony over here. And there's one dude looking at me. What is going on? DC stuff? This is a well I shall not be returning to.

By people on this side, though. No, not you. I'm talking exclusively about them. Who's supposed to be behind you, ladies? You looked behind you. Are you surprised no one's there? You need to work on your sensory perception. How's it going, gentlemen?

All right. Great. Okay. It. God damn it. That dude who came up here is bad enough. Where's he? What's his name, Daniel? Right, it's all right.

For Neil Campbell, knocking it out of the... In baseball, you had to retrieve every ball before you could continue the game. I'd have to cajole it out of the people's hell, like, give it back. What if? Ah, Stanislavski's magic what if? What are you flashing there, buddy? A little green light on your camera? Any way to turn it off?

It's all right. Oh, no, you turned it back on. There it is. That's all right. It's all right. It's all right. Are you guys ready to have some fun tonight? We have a group of people here we've been traveling around the country with.

It's been my honor to, I'm tired of the sentence already. I grew so disinterested in that sentiment halfway through. But no, we do have some cool people. I've been wandering around the city looking for some interesting people to talk to to and I think we found quite a group tonight so are you guys ready to start the show? Let's get to our first guest.

This is, I think this is gonna be a really interesting one. I found some DC natives here. Yeah! That's exciting, people just like you. Oh, boy. We have two people coming to the stage. Their radio show, Good Night in the Morning. runs in China, Singapore, all of India, and in Washington, D.C. for the president only.

Please welcome Chasman and Sonny. Good night. In the morning. Chasmin, Sunny, it's such a pleasure to see you again. The last time I saw you was in Los Angeles, and here we are in your home market. Yeah. Well, kind of. I mean, unfortunately, all you residents of the District of Columbia, you can't hear our show.

It's only for the president here. He loves it. meet with the president every day, and he tells us how much you, enjoys the show. Do you meet with the president before or after your show? Oh, right in the middle. We just take a little walk while we're recording, over to his office.

That's right. We let it go to just dead air for a good couple hours. Yeah, he likes a long lunch. He gives you the encouragement to keep going, because your show is a very long show. It's from 5 a.m. until 601 p.m.? That's correct.

Absolutely. And the president does not encourage us to continue doing the show. Every meeting he said, I beg of you to stop doing the show. He gets on his knees and begs. It's humbling to see the leader of the free world kneeling before you saying, please, please, please, stop doing your radio show. So humbling. It's humbling.

I don't, I can't quite fathom. why he agrees to meet with you every day then. Do you... Well, because I'll tell you, Scott, it's the only radio station they could get in the White House and the radio's knob is broken. It's on all day, every day

while he does his presidential duties. His duty? Duties. Oh, okay. Worth going back for. So you said it's the only radio station they can get in the White House and the knob is broken. That's right.

He can't power it down. So he can't turn it off, you see. Oh, I see. It's on automatically, and he can't turn it off. Basis cover. Yes. On the same page. So, for those people who don't know Chasmund and Sonny,

they were on the show last year with Tatiana Maslani and Christian Brune, and it was the first time I was meeting you, and you are obviously a couple of radio personalities. Obviously. That's who we are. You have a partnership, but you're not married to each other. No. No.

We just... We merely work together and sleep together. When you say sleep together, you mean... Literally sleep. Yes. We share a bed. That's right. Yes.

Nothing else. So you're not awake in the same bed together either. No. Never. So... We fall asleep and our manager. puts us into bed. No, the path to the bed.

We've never, we've never gotten into bed and fallen asleep. We've always fallen asleep. Wherever we are, we fall asleep at the same time. I think it's just from working together for so long. And I'll tell you, I've never woken up in bed with him. No. We are carried out of bed and woken up elsewhere. We wake up someplace else.

Yeah. Away from each other. So the bed is in an undisclosed location somewhere? Yes. Yeah. I can't imagine. Imagine where it is. Do I sleep?

And this is early in the show, by the way, but can I ask, what type of bed is it, what type of mattress do you have on that bed? Funny, you should ask. Here's what we've been told. Yeah. It's got three levels of cooling comfort. Comes in a box the size of a mini fridge. And for every 10 mattresses this company sells, they donate one to a shelter. They're kind of like the Tom shoes or Warby Parker of mattresses.

I've also heard that if you see anyone from that company in person, they will just give you a mattress. Oh! They have, like, a car full of them of these little miniature fridge boxes in the back of their car. They're just giving out mattresses for free everywhere. And I've heard they're named after a beautiful woman named Lisa. Oh, she's gorgeous. You know her. Lisa, no last name given.

But now, I thought that you guys slept in coffins or something? We did. We did. We were in. We used to share a casket. We had a very complicated sleeping arrangement where we slept in caskets. We had someone put a sheet over us

so we would think it was nighttime, like we were birds. Also, the caskets were inside a vault. That's right. That gave us claustrophobia something awful. I would think the caskets would give you the claustrophobia, but the vault did? The caskets were open, Scott.

We've covered this on the show. Okay, I'm sorry. Just the details of your lives are so interesting to me. But eventually our producer Scarsdale said, you know, there's got to be a better way for you guys to sleep. And so he got us a Lisa mattress. And boy, has it been great ever since. It's been terrific. We fall asleep just at our desks or in the car.

And then Scarsdale carries us to this Lisa mattress. We go to a dark black place. Apparently sleeping really well, apparently. Then I'll awake. You've never gotten up in the middle of the night. No. Every single night. Whoops.

And the mattress and the bed is in an undisclosed location? Yes. We've never seen it. Yeah. He's taking pictures. Scarsdale's taking pictures of us sleeping. Oh, okay. And he posts them on the fridge and the break room.

He does that. Every morning he posts a new picture, so we know we did sleep. That's right. He really takes care of us. I think he feeds us too because a lot of times will wake up with breakfast food in our mouths. I always wake up with links of sausage just coming out. And do you Do you ever look at those photos

to try to ascertain where the bed is? Like, do you ever, like, give them to your computer expert and say, enhance that or anything like that? Yeah, we have gone to our computer expert, give it him the pictures, and it said, enhance that. And all he says is, have you tried turning it off

and turning it back on again. I've enhanced it very, very closely, and I've seen some very specific-looking spiders in there. So I have a good feeling about where it is. Where do you think it is, study? The back of a grocery store They look like grocery store spiders? They're wearing uniforms

Well, there you go Sunny may have just cracked the case So now, I mean the last time We saw you, there were so many interesting details About your life about how... What do you mean? Well, for instance, you know, the minute at 601 When you stop doing the show, you immediately run a marathon

That's right. Every night. We run a marathon, we wear ghost sheets with holes cut out. And then our producer Scarsdale dumps water on us. And since we're wet already, we have a wet sheet concept. And I always win. I've got the tips. So all of that is still true.

Everything still happening with you guys? No. We've, no. Wait, did Scarsdale just walk in? No. No. That is not Scarsdale. That was us impersonating him.

We're so good at it. Scarsdale is backstage. You might come out here at some time. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. But no, no, a lot's changed, actually. We've had to make some changes for our health.

It's true. Even though, as everyone knows, I'm super cut. Yes. You're ripped. I mean, I'm just looking at you. You came out here without a shirt, by the way. That's right. I love to be shirtless.

If you need a bottle open, just give it to him and it'll do a crunch on it. I'm proud of it. I'm one of those old dudes that has a weird six-pack. And saggy everywhere else? Yeah, it's unnerving. Has anyone ever tried to open a beer bottle on your stomach and then accidentally just stabbed you with a broken bottle? Oh, ask me how many times. How many times?

Three times. Because what will happen is they don't understand the strength of my abs. And so they think I can just control it and I can snip that cap off. But of course, I'll end up like you'll see the fancy chefs of Europe. They'll take a saber and cut a champagne bottle. That's kind of what my abs do. it just breaks off that bottle right of the neck, and then they don't know what they're doing,

so they're proceeding forward because they don't know how to open a beer bottle, and they'll stab me. Yeah. So those rock-hard abs, they eventually get pierced with a broken beer bottle. I mean, grazed. I'm in pretty good shape.

And you, though, I mean, Sunny, we've never talked about your shape. No, so describe it. You're like a sideways triangle. Thank you. It's really interesting. You're like huge on your left side. Uh-huh. And then your body is kind of pointy on your right side.

Uh-huh. How does one get that shape? I sleep in a container that's shaped exactly like that on top of my Lisa. Of course I get all the little bad loop. Oh, but it's like waist training. You know, I wanted this look and here I am. During the summer, what kind of a swimsuit do you wear? I go in the nude.

We always swim in the nude together. We always swim in the nude together. We are not married, nor are we in a sexual relationship. He will swim on his stomach, and I'll lay on his back, and we all swim around like that. Naked as jaybirds. It's fun, because people don't know I'm down there. They think she's just lying on her back in the water, and then they're in for a surprise. I'm like a sea serpent.

So you've made some changes, though, for your health you were saying. Yeah, one of them, swimming in the nude. Yeah. Oh, that's a recent addition. That's a recent addition, yeah. For your health? Uh-huh. Interesting.

What are the health benefits to swimming in the nude as opposed to a tiny swimsuit? No bacteria inside you? Oh, that's right. You know, the skin is the body's largest organ scott. So it needs to breathe even underwater. Right. Did you have a recent scare with bacteria or something? Yes.

Oh, it was not good. There was some milk that was left too long in the fridge. Uh-huh. And eventually... We both drank it. We both drank it. To see if it was good. Just to know.

Simultaneously or days apart? We put two straws into the side of the carton. That's right. And then we just slurped it out. Into the side of the carton. Yeah. You punctured the side of the carton. And we sucked the milk out.

It was difficult because it was pretty lumpy. Curtled. Curtled. And, ouch, did that hurt coming out? It sure did. Every conceivable orifice. Some came out of my ears. Your eyeballs as well?

Yes. My gosh. So how long did that lay you out for? Did you have to miss work? Yes. Several years. Several years. Wait, so the last time I saw you, were you in the middle of this?

Yes, we were. We didn't want to tell you lest you'd be scared of being an infection. We were just starting to feel better, and so we wanted to promote the radio show. Didn't seem like a good idea to say, hey, we're taking a couple years off due to milk sickness. Yeah. The president was very happy. So you're back on, though. You're back on the show.

We're back on the air. That's fantastic. And have you made any sort of changes to the radio program as well? Yes. Yes. We sure have. We play a lot of different music now. Oh, okay.

Usually we would play, first of all, we talk a lot. Most of the show is us just talking. It's a chat show. It's not supposed to be, but it turns out being that way. We just enjoy each other's company. professionally. We have a lot to say to each other, and to the audience, and to the president. And we would break up that almost incessant talking with national anthems. Right. From around the globe. Yeah.

What is your favorite national anthem? America's. Yeah, it's pretty good. A lot of peaks and valleys. It's got a big crescendo at the end. Anyone can sing it. Second favorite. Oh. Canada. Yeah.

So close. Sure. How about third favorite? probably France Oh yeah Yeah The Marcierge Yeah

It's a pretty good one The one that they put into All You Need is Love Yeah that's right Yeah That's how you'd know it But now we do a whole different thing That's right

Top 40 We're doing top 40 National anthems That's right All the national anthems That are on the charts today Yes So before you were playing

A lot of obscure anthems And now you just play The most popular 40 Yeah Yeah, before we were playing, like, countries you never heard of or made-up countries like Narnia or whatever. And who would write those anthems? Oh, we would.

Yeah, we wrote a lot of them. That was a great song. Could I, I mean, you guys are here. Could I hear the national anthem of Narnia? Sure. Now, of course, it's one of the only national anthems. That's a duet. So, traditionally, like a Diana Ross and Lionel Richie would sing this together.

Yes. Yeah, exactly. Or like if you went to a soccer game or something, it would be half the stadium would have to sing one part and the other half to have to sing the other part. Oh, is it in the round? No, it's not a round, it's a duet. You heard you say that, right?

There's never been a duet that's in the round. No. Just wondering. Do you think that row, row, row your boat is a duet? Sort of. What do you consider the people who are doing the other part of row, row, row. They're not doing the other part. They're not doing the other part.

They're singing the same. thing. That's what a round is. Wow. I feel like we're splitting hairs. Now we're good. Okay, well, agree to disagree. We can just agree to disagree at this point. Yeah. All right. Here it is the Narnia national anthem. Feel free to stand and take the stage. I would really love. Oh, thank you. Yep. Of course, if anyone hears from Narnia, you obviously will stand up, but I don't expect that's a lot of people because it's a made-up country. The witch. Starting right with a witch The first book doesn't even start with a witch

Now this is part of the song There's a big long pause After the first two words, that's right Turk is delight Whatever kind of mood You're in tonight So this national anthem Uses part of

Billy Joel The seat from an Italian restaurant Yes of course it does Okay Of course it does Scott it's hard to write songs It's hard to write songs, and there's already so many songs that exist. So why not just take part of those?

Every song is an homage to a song that's already been written. Exactly. Every song is just a variation on jingle bells. That's very true. That's what I always scream. Whether you have four legs or two. There's always got to be a place for you. It's a very brief six-second national anthem.

That incorporates a phrase from Billy Joel, scenes from an Italian restaurant. And has a four second pause. Ooh, 10 seconds. Hey, hey, you, you. Hey, yeah, you, listening. Yeah, you. Do you love the ritual of a good cocktail, but you hate the after effects? Yeah, I get it.

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That's all year. Quins.com slash freedom. Were I, Billy Joel, I would ask for all the publishing on that. Quite frankly. I mean, if the Rolling Stones are going to get the Verbs Bitter Sweet Symphony. Well, thank God you're not him. Really? Yeah. What do you know about Billy Joel? Have you guys ever met him?

Yes. Every day. Every day? We met him every day. He's always in the president's office. Really? Yes. Serenating him.

With Piano Man only. Billy Joel has serenated many presidents over the president. with a song, Piano Man. Does he do it every day for all the other presidents, or did he, or is it just for Obama? I said he serenaded many presidents. But every day. Yes, every day.

That's what I'm asking. Well, that's what I'm telling you. Well, that's what I'm telling you. Well, that's what I'm telling you. Guess you don't know the word. Serenade? Presidential serenade. The presidential serenade.

The presidential serenade. Oh, well, that was fantastic. So that's the only. change on your radio show? Are the hours still the same? I mean, I know you were doing it from 5 a.m. until 601 p.m. The hours have changed slightly. Just a little bit.

Yeah, we're doing it now from 5 a.m. until 4.59 the following morning. Yeah. Really? We sleep for one minute. That's right. Power nap. That's right. No wonder you guys are sleeping so soundly.

you're only sleeping for a minute a day. How does Scarsdale get you to the bed? In little papusas. He puts us in papusas. He makes a giant Mexican sandwich. Ladles is in there. It's fresh from the oven. With a big ladle.

Scarsdale's very large. So wait, is the Lisa mattress the bottom part of the papusa? No, no, no. The papusa is a transportation device. Oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ornata point B. A giant sandwich transports you to the bed.

We probably do the last 30 seconds of the show sound asleep. Yeah. And then that's when he envelopes us in the Pupusa and takes us to the bed where we sleep for one solid, glorious minute. Or really, we sleep for probably 45 seconds because he wakes us up and brings us right back so we can start the show right on time.

That's true. So how does he wake you up? I mean, it's not normal for a human being to only sleep for one minute. Is it very tough to get you up? No, he bangs a pot. That's what we wake up to every single morning, our producer Scarsdale banging a pot.

After he's removed us from the bed. Yes, and the baboosal, which serve as our covers. That is a punishing schedule. I mean, are you guys on any kind of a substance to, you know, keep it going? Cocaine. Yeah, just cocaine. Just cocaine. Oh, yeah.

I would imagine, yeah. I mean, cocaine is like base level, yeah. Yeah, a little dad will do you. diet pills. Wait, you guys are taking diet pills too? Uh-huh. The ones that Jesse Spano took. Those are very dangerous. Uh-huh. I get very excited and very scared every day. Every single day. So wow, I mean, that doesn't leave for a lot of free time. I mean, when are you doing? None. We do our hobbies while we're recording the show. Oh, really? So all of this naked swimming? Oh yeah, that's all we're recording. It's a big tank in the studio. We have a reading hour where we both read silently.

That's right. That's the least popular segment of the show, I think. But the president loves it. Are you going to be disappointed when President Obama? I mean, he's about to leave. Yeah, we're going to miss him. But a few months. I mean, he'll be gone before the year is out. He's been pretty great. We really like his begging style. Yeah.

There's a few times we almost considered stopping the show because he's a very eloquent speaker. We're excited to meet someone new, though. Yeah, yeah. Are you hoping? I mean, do you think the show will continue? Oh, the show has to continue. The show will continue. But, of course, it doesn't make any difference to us.

Sonny and I cannot vote as we are convicted felons. This is new information to me. Is it? Oh. I had no idea. What have you been convicted for? You really want to talk about it? I don't know.

Should we talk about it? Yeah. Maybe, you know what? Maybe we should let Scarsdale tell him. You're right. Let's get him out here. He's Sunny and Chasman's producer. He has scars all over his body.

Please welcome Scarsdale. Everybody in Washington, D. Scarsdale, aren't you always here? Yes. It's always a pleasure. Sonny, what were we about to ask Scarceale? About why we were convicted. Oh, yeah, convicted.

Yeah, what felonies we were convicted of? Not quite sure how I forgot that. But Scarsdale, what felonies, it must have been during your tenure with them, is that right? Oh, boy, oh boy. Sorry, Scarsdale, I didn't quite hear that. I said, boy. A little trick of the ears here with me.

I keep mishearing what you're seeing. Cleveland. Okay, sorry, sorry. Give me. Please don't upset him. Okay. Please, Scarsdale is very, we depend on him. We depend on him.

We really need him. Okay, well, Scarsdale, if you could, and leave no detail out. Okay. I really want to hear a long, long explanation of these felonings. So take your time, really paint a picture. Okay. Buckle yourself in. Here's what has.

Got. That's how a lot of crimes start. People usually do them for profit. Yeah, that really, please, I'm talking. Definition of crime. I mean, some crimes are done out of passion, you know, sometimes a murder. This is news to you? A passionate crime.

I think you was just excited by the idea. A passionate crime. Sonny, you're a passionate person. I mean, are you... You've noticed? You were married to Phil Collins at a certain point. Yes, I was, yes. Yeah, I left him.

You left him? Yeah. They finally split up. I mean, you know, Phil had this touring schedule. He was always gone. And I was always sleeping with him. I think Phil did not like. No.

Phil didn't quite get your relationship, huh? What a stick in the mud, oh. Plus, there was that whole 10-year aid scare that you had. Yeah, I thought I had AIDS. and that, I guess, was upsetting to him. All right, so back to Scarsdale, back to... Yeah, that's old news. Back to, there was an unusual way that Sonny wanted to make money.

Oh, I hate this part. Yeah. Well, Sonny said, why don't we... And Callsman said, I know... Look, let's not fight. I'm just suggesting. He loves to tell the story with both of our parts. He knows exactly what we said.

I mean, he was standing right there when it happened. He's always next to us. Scarsdale, why didn't you get in on this? Did you have anything to say to them? I told those guys. Look. He told us, you are bad. Yeah, he did.

Look at his eye. It was chilling. You are bad. It felt like a father just being disappointed in yours. It was tough. Wow, harsh words from Scarsdale. You are bad. Harsh words.

from Scarsdale. But Scarsdale, that doesn't seem like that's the end of the story because obviously it seems like there's more you want to get off your chest about this. There sure is. Right, Scarsdale? You, uh... Sorry, it's my accent coming out.

Tibet. Raised in Topanga. That's right. That's why he said that. He's got dual citizenship. Yeah. Topanga and Tibet? Yeah, that's right.

In both Tibetan elections and Topanga elections. city councils? That's right. That's right. So Scarsdale, what happened then? Then I left the room and I mean that seems to really stick in your crawl when people are bad. It does.

What did that make you feel to hear that from your most trusted advisor? Well, you know, we love Scarsdale. We feel like he's part of our family, even though we're not a family. He makes us a family in a way. He's the glue that brings us all together. If he's glue, what are you guys? Wood. Yeah, two broken pieces of wood.

So he's wood glue then. Yeah. He's definitely wood glue. To be more specific, sure. He's wood glue. So did you guys then continue to do it? Where did you get the printing press? Oh yeah, we did.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got an inkjet printer. And I typed into Google Dollar Bill. and I just printed out a billion of them. A billion of them. A billion dollar bills. Yes. The ink alone cost me a billion dollars. Where did you get the money for the...

Did you go into debt for it? Oh, yeah. We're way crazy in debt. Yeah. We lead a really nutty lifestyle. We do, I guess, when you think about it, when you lay it all out like that. Kind of.

We'll lay it out for us. I mean, what else, I mean... Well, you know, we're workaholics, but we do like to go online and spend our money all the time. That's true. I buy a car every day. You own 365 new cars every single year?

I'm a regular Jay Leno. She's got several hangers full of cars. They're stacked on top of each other. It's a mess. I'm a hoarder. Help. You're hoarding cars. Stacked on top of each other.

Are they skillfully put on each other? No. Really? You just drive it right? Yeah, I drive them right in. Wherever it lands. There's a car elevator that'll take her up to the top level, and then she'll just drive the car off of that level onto a waiting car below.

It's thrilling. It makes an exciting sound. Yeah, crunch. Crunch? Crunch. Oh, could have guessed that. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, and what do you do with your money? I have a crippling Amazon produce addiction. Produce from the end. Amazon jungle. That's right. Really? Yeah. How do you get it from there?

Weirdly enough through Zappos. I'm a VIP member. Uh-huh. That has a lot of perks. Uh-huh. Free shipping. And they are not a sponsor.

They are not a sponsor. So I will order produce from the Amazon rainforest. Carats. Uh-huh. Lime of beans Chopped ivy Chopped ivy Have you ever had chopped ivy on a salad?

I've never had the pleasure My gosh You're only cheating yourself It's delicious Uh huh It feels like you're eating The side of a university So

I mean obviously you've spent a lot of money That way How did you eventually get caught Or Scarsdale maybe you want to tell the story I couldn't stand by And watch this anymore so I turned them in. Wow.

Turn them in. You were just a ratfink. Hey. You're a narc, Scarsdale. Oh, don't be so rude to him. Why are you doing this, Scott? Did you bring him out here to shame him? This is not why we agreed to do your program again.

I'm so sorry. I mean, you guys didn't feel betrayed at all by Scarsdale? We were hurt, sure. But then we came to realize what he did was right. we were in the wrong because we were breaking the law. And how soon after you guys printed this billion dollars did he turn you in? Immediately. Very fast turnaround.

Yeah. And we went to jail for a while. We did. Still got to do the show. Yeah. From your jail cell? Yeah. Really?

It was in a co-ed jail cell. It was a co-ed jail cell. With other men and women. Co-educational. Yeah. It was co-educational. Who else was in that jail cell? Jail cell, any interesting people that you met?

OJ. Yeah. O.J. Simpson? Yeah. Oh, sure. No, I know. Ever heard of him? The former football player.

The star of that TV show. Which one? The Scuba one that he was training for? The Cuba one. It was not self-contained. It was just contained? The Cuba Gooding Jr. Oh.

Contained underwater breathing apparatus. Goodying Jr. But other people had to join in on that. It wasn't self-contained. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Wow. So OJ was there. Yeah, I liked him. OJ was fun. Charming. Always trying on my clothes and saying, these don't fit.

He knows his brand. Did he ever, I mean, the world everywhere wants to know, did he actually do those crimes? Did he ever tell you guys? Well, he never told us, but he did say a lot of times, ooh, I could really go for a throat cutting. Yeah. And he said, watch this. Here's my. one-man show and he would stand up and act out the entire murder. But he never, he never admitted that he did it. No, but he played every role beautifully.

He did. He's a pretty talented actor. Yeah. I mean, everyone, I mean, the Goldman's, I'm sure, would love to know, you know, the last words of their son. Did he ever, I mean, he must have acted these out. There's no way I would ever say that. Those are private words? Those are private, yeah.

Those are private words. I almost wish you hadn't brought it up. I'm very close to almost wishing you had not brought enough. Maybe that's where the mind takes you. Sure. We can all agree on that. Who else was in this prison? Robert Blake.

Now, he wasn't convicted. That was the weird thing. He was just going by? He spent his time in that co-ed jail cell with us. He just felt like he deserved to be there or something? I think he just liked. It was a nice jail sale. Really, describe it for us because...

Oh, let's see. Well, there were five caskets stacked on top of each other. Five? One for each person. So there's the two of you, O.J. That's right. Robert Blake. And who's the other person?

Phil Spector. I'm what made it co-ed. You're the only woman in this jail? Uh-huh. Lucky me. This doesn't sound like a co-ed. at jail. Did you maybe sneak in somehow? I did put on a fake mustache.

It's true. Sunny lived her life in captivity as a man named Sunny but spelled with an O. Uh-huh. I wasn't aware that you could change the spelling of your name to get into jail. Well, you have to fill out

a form before you get a minute to jail. And when you tag the wall, you just change it. That's right. Exactly. So you pretended to be a man. How long were you guys in jail? Three years? Yeah, three years I think it was. Yeah, a solid three.

You lose time. About a thousand days or so? Yeah, a thousand days. And does that change a person? Nope. Oh, well, you have different viewpoints on that. I felt like it didn't change me at all. And I feel very different.

How long ago was this? I'm not getting a sense of the time. That was 10 years ago. Yeah, 10 years ago. So Phil Specter, was there kind of on a trial basis. I remember the police were saying, we don't like to look to this guy.

We better put him in a practice jail for a bit. He was testing it out to see if he wanted to commit the crime or not. Yeah, that's right. And O.J. walked in on accident. On accident? How does one accidentally walk into a jail? Well, he thought he was checking out theater spaces for his one-man show. He said these bars would be perfect, and then they locked him in.

Wow, what a fascinating life you guys have lived. I mean, I say life because it seems almost as if you've lived the same life. I mean, have you ever done anything different? Hmm. Seems so hard to remember a time when we weren't working. I mean, we've been doing the radio show for 40 years. Right. We're so linked.

What were you like as children? Did you guys know each other as children? Uh-huh. Yeah, of course we did. Yeah. We were born in the exact same day in the same hospital at the same time. That's right. Out of the same pussy. Yeah.

Yeah, we're... Tell you that we're brother and sister? This is making way more sense than why you guys hang out so much together. I'm sure we must have mentioned it. No, never. We must have mentioned it. Not a wit. No, never.

Sorry. Your brother and sister, your siblings. Yeah. That's like usually the first thing we tell someone, I can't believe. This hasn't come up before. I mean, we have the same last name. What's your last name? Say it together, please.

Clangman. Clangman. Clangman. Yeah, Clangman. Chasman Chasman and Sunny Clangman. Wow, so you're exactly the same age. Yeah.

You're... Well... I'm a minute older. That's right. What did you say? I'm a minute older. You said you came out at the exact same time, though. Well...

You're just rounding off. I mean, you're not... Yeah, you can't give us a minute there, Scott? I mean, do you really... You think a woman's capable of that? Meeting you? Two heads coming out. at once?

What do you know, Scott, about the female anatomy? Tell us everything. I mean, I saw... We're very curious. Really paint a picture for us. Tell me, what's it look like? I saw a video on the internet where there were two things going in at once, so I... What were the things?

Projectiles. Rocket ships. So I just, you know, I don't know. Maybe it's possible if twins were to come out. I mean, also, you know, one could come out down there and one could be taken out, you know, of a C-section at the same time. Oh, well, that's really innovative. For someone who really wanted their twins to be exactly the same age.

Right. Yeah. But that's not the case with you. Not our mommy, no. No, she didn't want to carve up her body just to prove a point. She sounds like a beautiful woman. What's her... Oh, she's gorgeous.

Our mother. She's still with us? Yeah. Yeah, she is. I miss mom. I saw someone backstage. Is that possibly her? Of course it is.

That's our mother. She comes everywhere with us. Do you want to bring her out? I mean, I would love to meet her. I can't think of anything. I would love to do more. Yeah. Bring her out.

What's her name? Matilda. Matilda Clanger? Clangman. Uh-huh. Okay, let's get her out here. Matilda Clangman, come out. Oh, hello, my little child.

Oh, hello. She talks just like Mrs. Doubtfire. I'm very hello, hello. I'm sorry I can't make my voice any loud. You? A whispery old lady. You're going to, you can't talk any louder than this? That's it, Scott.

I'm very elderly. This is as loud as I can possibly get. She once was being attacked, and she tried to scream, and her vocal cord snapped. Really? What happened to, I mean, did the attacker go through with whatever they were trying to do? I was attacked.

He was, I was, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. It's okay, my mom. Mommy. He painted my face with house paint. He painted your face with house paint. Eggshell. She looked gorgeous. It took her back to her miming day.

She really did look good. She looked like a porcelain doll. Yeah. Beautiful, Mommy. Well, gosh, Matilda, it's so nice to meet you. I don't know that I'll be talking to you that much. It's so hard to hear you. I said. That worked out.

But please stick around. I may ask you a question every once in a while. Oh, I want to stick around. Okay. Mother, just sit over here and try not to exert yourself too much. You know, she's in her early hundreds. Yeah. Really? 103, yeah. 103? Yeah.

Wow, that's terrible for a temperature, but great for an age, I would imagine. I think it's pretty rough both ways. It is. 103 is also our station ID 1.03, coming to you live all day. Do you change it according to your mother's age? Yes. It's a very expensive process.

That's something else that put us in debt. And then we have to hire a man to go change the president's radio station to a new channel. That's right. He will not fix that knob. Nope. Well, gosh, it's, you know, such a pleasure to have four such interesting people out here on the stage. Yeah, four.

That's right. I almost hate to introduce a fifth, but we do have another guest. Oh, well, we love it. We don't care. It's like I'm talking to Icona pop here. We don't care. We love it. Hey, Paul, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Yeah, I know. I know you know. I just wanted to say it. Scott, I'm so sorry. I'm defensive. I'm just feeling kind of glum lately. I know. Well, the start of a new year can make it feel like we're supposed to completely reinvent ourselves

and become the ultimate human. that we've all meant ourselves to be, right? Yeah. But maybe it's not about becoming someone new. Maybe it's about feeling like a lighter, less burdened version of ourselves. That sounds good. Yeah, well, that's where therapy can help. BetterHelp makes it easy to get connected with a licensed therapist online.

You fill out a short questionnaire, and these things are short. They're like half a question. They're like, do you? And then it just cuts off in the middle. Oh, that is short. It's really short. Wow. And then they match you with someone who fits your needs.

And if it's not quite right, you can switch therapists any time so you can focus on the work that matters to you. Oh, wow. Do you like to go to therapy, Paul? Yeah, I do. As a matter of fact. Yeah, how many times a week? 12. Hey, no, one.

You need a little more. 12? That's a lot of therapy. I'm functional. You're functional, but you could be so much better. Yeah, you're right. Anyway, with over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms and has helped over. over 5 million people globally.

This globe? Yeah, this one. Yeah. They helped about eight people on Mars. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah, those are good odds, considering there's no life there. I wish we'd heard more about those people on Mars. Anyway, BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist.

Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash freedom. That is BetterHELP.com slash Freedom. Hey, everyone. It's Leah Greenberg. And Ezra Levin. You might know us as two of the lead organizers of the note. King's protests. We're also the co-founders of Indivisible, the grassroots movement organizing against Trump's regime. And this is What's the Plan? Your weekly guide to the state of our

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We do have another guest. Do you guys mind sticking around? I would love for you to meet him as well. I'd be happy to Zigg around. We took the day off. Scarsdale, what about you? Yes. Oh, very, that Tibetan stuff going.

Many layered voice. Yeah, interesting. All right, well, let's get to our next guest. He is a... He's a youth. Ooh. That sounds young. I saw him wandering around the streets of Washington, D.C. here.

I believe it was on K Street, perhaps. I believe you. That's a street in Washington. Sure. And we've talked to him on the show before. He's kind of a troubled teen. Is he from here? He just happened to be wandering around?

I don't think he's from here. But I found him wandering around. I wanted to, you know, I recognized him. I noticed him. asked him to come on the show. So please welcome Rick Faber. What's wrong? What do you think is wrong? I don't know. Who here knows who Rick Faber is? Who cares? He's got some fans. I don't care. Rick, you and I have met each other a few times. You're an angry surly teen. Is that fairer? Yeah, and rightfully so. I'm just so upset because me and my fellow teenagers exhibit

such immature and irresponsible behavior. That's right. You're upset at the way you act. Yeah, I'm just, I'm depressed. It's so lame that we act this way. And yet we persist. What are some of, you know, you've taken me through some of the things you've done before with your actions. Uh-huh. First of all, what are you doing here in Washington, D.C.?

Why did I see you walking the streets? School field trip. Oh, okay. Well, that's serendipitous. just to sort of coincide on our trip here. Yeah, I guess. Did you go to the White House? We were supposed to, but I played hooky. Oh, bad.

I don't even, like, respect the education I'm getting. That's such an opportunity to go to the White House. I know. You could have heard our radio show. But I said, I said, I just want to walk up and down K Street. How many times did you walk up and down it? Four. I was looking for you.

J Street and I couldn't find it. So what are some of the things that you do? You mentioned some of the actions that you and your fellow teens? Yeah, me and my fellow teens. Okay. We were in a car the other day, my buddy's Hyundai accent,

and we were driving along, and we saw this guy, and I guess he was like going on a date or something. And he was opening the door for his date. Like, what a gentleman should do. As we drove by, we rolled on the window, we all went, ooh.

I bet we made him totally self-conscious, even though he was just like doing what a guy should do. That sounds terrible, Rick. Yeah, why were we thinking? I was so immediately regretful of my behavior. If only there was some way to communicate that to the person that you did it to. Nope, it was just another random drive-by taunting. There's no way I could ever communicate to him.

The sorrow I feel. It sucks. Did he get red in the face? Was he embarrassed by this? Clearly. I mean, and he shouldn't have been because what he was doing was what a gentleman should do.

But he clearly got all embarrassed. I saw him like make a bigger deal out of it and then he should have been and he like clearly tried to make a joke out of it to his date and it didn't go over well. And then we turned the corner and I can only imagine the date ended poorly and went poorly.

It ended poorly and went poorly? That's how I can imagine, because we threw them off right at the beginning. You're saying that not only did the date ultimately end poorly, but as the day was happening, it was not going well. Yes, yeah. I sort of cut to the ending and then flashed back to... It's like a Tarantino film.

Yeah, exactly, which I like for the cussing. But you don't get the themes? Whoa, what are thieves? That sounds like something like my English. teacher said when I wasn't paying attention. You don't pay attention to your English teacher, huh? No, but I should. He's got some valuable

knowledge, I'm sure. I would bet, but here I am, just smacking the way on gum. That take up a lot of your attention? Yeah, chop, chop, chame, chop! That's all I'm doing in the corner of class. While they're discussing Hamlet or some

such. It sucks, man. What's wrong with me? I'm lame. Oh. Do you have other examples of... Yeah. Yeah. Of some of the things you've done to... Yeah, oh my God.

This one's so bad. I was in this parking lot. Practicing kickflips. Those are skateboard tricks. Duh. Hey, wait a minute. Now you're doing it to me. I know.

And I immediately felt bad. Sorry. Is what I should say, but I won't. Yeah, I was practicing kickflips. And I saw this guy coming out of a job. dry cleaner. And he had like his dry cleaning bag and he was like on the phone. And he was like, I got the cloak cleaned. It looks so great. And I don't even know where this came from. I went, your cloak's a joke. Oh, that's mean. It was mean. And he clearly like, it really, he didn't even

have a comeback. He kind of just stammered and then went off. What did the cloak look like? Midnight blue with a starfield lining. Like, obviously he must have that for like a really cool, good reason. And if it brings him joy, who am I to question that? But I didn't think of all that. Just in the moment, I was just like trying to cut him down and make him feel bad.

And did he feel bad? It looked like it, yeah. Yeah. He like just, he got all upset and he went off and he was like, I'll call you later, Mom, and then he hung up the phone. So he was informing his mother of how good the cloak looked? Yeah, like a cool guy would.

a person who cares about his relationships with his family. He maintains a good relationship with his mom. He has his cloak he cares for and he's getting it cleaned. I don't see what's wrong with any of that. And yet, here I am making a big deal out of it. Like an idiot. Matilda, what do you think about someone who acts like that? I don't like when...

Okay, all right. Disrespectful. It's rude. It's not a nice to be... Let her finish, Scott. Thank you, dear. Why can't he be a nice boy and not be disrespectful? I know, Mommy. Mom makes a good point, Scott. What do you think?

I have no idea what she's saying. Very disrespectful. To not be able to hear someone is disrespectful? It's a little disrespectful. Get closer, ask what she said. Beg her pardon, eh? Take an interest. What did this guy, Rick?

What did this guy look like that you... He looked like this guy I saw earlier today. Really? Yeah. Who did you see today? Okay, so I was like, K Street's boring. I'm going to take the orange line out to Fairfax. So I went out to Fairfax, and then I was trying to decide between Lee Highway and old Lee Highway, which one to hang out on.

And I said, well, I'll just walk back and forth between the two along Rebel Run. And so I was doing that, and I was, I guess, by Fairfax High School. And I saw this guy taking photos of it. And he looked, he looked like a nice cool guy. You know, he looked like five, eight, you know, black pants. Pretty much looks like Mike White. And that's a cool guy to you? You seem like a totally cool guy.

Like a normal guy. A normal, like, nice guy. Like maybe not a supermodel, but... No, not even close, but, you know. But who amongst us is? No, well, people who the two halves of their face look the same, but he didn't have that going for him. But he was a... you know, a cool enough looking guy.

And, like, I bet he has some friends, even. And so he was taking photos. He turned to me, and he said, oh, that's where I went to high school. And then I don't even, I should have just been like, that's cool that you're, like, coming back to take a photo of it. Reminiscing. Yeah.

And instead I went, I don't care a homo. And, like, that's so wrong in so many ways. Because, like, homo shouldn't even be an insult. And yet I used it that way. Oh, I wish I wasn't so lame. Wow. Why don't you change your behavior? As I always say, would that I could.

You always say that? Yeah. To my guidance counselor, my teachers, my mom, my grandma. Your grandma, really? Yeah. Yeah. She doesn't take a liking to this kind of behavior? No, no.

She says it's not how she would behave. Really? Can you imagine a grandma who just walked around calling things homo? She does do that. That actually is a big part of her thing. Oh, okay. The rest is

not, yeah, she doesn't kickflip or anything. She sounds like bad grandma or something. Ooh, good movie. I didn't even see it. I'm not sure what it is. Well, there's a movie called Bad Grandpa that exists,

and then there's the idea of Bad Grandma, which has yet to be made. I got you. I imagine that it's a good movie. Sunny's always had a very vivid imagination. I just watched the whole thing in seconds flat. I only watch things I can bit torrent. So the artists don't even get paid for their hard work.

Even though it would help their residuals and stuff. What's the last thing you bit torrented in? Zootopia. Those artists deserve pay. Now, don't you feel guilty? I wish that I did, but I don't. I'm living guilt-free. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

The mere fact you wish you felt guilty means you are guilty. Don't play your mind games with me, old man. Hey! Sorry. Not. Oh, see, I am, though. God! It's an unending cycle.

When do you think you'll grow out of this, Rick? Oh, I hope I'll eventually get older, and with age will come wisdom. It doesn't always work that way. It doesn't. That's what I'm worried about. I don't know how you adults talk, am I supposed to elaborate after I thought? Rick, can I say something to you?

Yeah. You're headed down a very dangerous path. Uh-oh, here he goes. Chasmin, is this something you always do? You like to lecture the children, you like to scare him straight? I love to lecture children. We do go to scared straight programs and scream.

That's right. Does Rick need to do anything like stand in a line that you like, you know, sort of yell at him. Yeah, that's exactly what he needs to do. Okay, here, stand up, Rick. Okay. Stand in a line, one person. I'll come over here.

Here's how typically goes. I'll go up to the guy and say, Good morning. Hey. You know what? It's not cool to do bad stuff. What if you can't help it? That's like me.

I couldn't help, but listen to my sister, what she suggested. We print $1 billion $1 bills. And we ended up in a weird prison. Now, is that the kind of life that you would like for yourself? Yeah.

Now, this is unprecedented. Usually, the kids will say, no, I don't want that kind of life. Now, what do you say to that? Boy, oh, boy. Do you have a backup plan? Really thrown me for a loop. Okay, well, I guess you're going to get that kind of life? Good.

I want to go to a co-ed prison. Wow, he's really got me here. He's boxed you in. What if I told you, it's not good to go to prison? I wouldn't even listen because I'm so ungrateful. Okay, let's remove the hypothetical. Okay. I'm telling you it's not good to go to prison.

Oh, really? Yeah, it's bad. Oh, my God. No one's ever tried to reach out to me like this before. Not even your grandmother? No, she just chases me around with a rolling pin. That's very severe. Well, ever since my dad left,

and her husband wasn't my dad. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I started at the ending, and I went back to the beginning again. He has a habit of doing that. Typically, you don't have to specify that your grandma's husband wasn't also your dad.

Yeah, maybe not where you come from. This is a night of firsts. Rick, I hope you will take these words of advice to heart. Don't keep being the way you're being. Okay, I'll try, but sometimes it can't help it. Doesn't that ever happen to you? Or there's something you know you shouldn't do when you do it? Oh, Chasmin, you have to admit.

There are things you don't want to do that you have to do. That is true. things that I wish I wasn't doing but I'm compelled to do. For example. You both agree on this. No, that's true. I drink cat blood.

Now. And I fly around like a bat on a ceiling fan with a string. It's true. I don't want to do it, but I have to. We had to reinforce that ceiling fan. I saw a guy when I was back in L.A.

and he was in front of an improv comedy theater and he saw one of his friends and clearly like he knew he was just being funny and he went greetings good sir and then like I was just like and I laughed at him and he could tell I wasn't laughing with him I was laughing at him in a derisive mocking fashion

yeah yeah it was like he was just trying to goof around with his buddy what did this guy look like blonde 58 pale as the moon asymmetrical features. Is that kind of balding on top?

Yeah, I'm in the back. Less than he'd probably like at this point in his life? I think he's, I would actually say, he's probably okay with where it's at at this point in his life. Who is saying I wish I were balding more? Besides me. Less fair. Besides Sunny.

I say it every day. I wish, I wish. Less hair than he would like. Okay. Oh, I see, I see. So you were insulting him. This hypothetical man, yes. I don't know.

Good point. We're not talking about an actual person. I bet he wished he could grow more of a beard, though. But never will. Well, listen. How do you feel about the idea that one day you'll be an adult and some kid might make fun of you on the street? I'd probably deserve it.

This guy sounds like he's got it all figured out. Wow. All right. Well. Did not need to scare him straight. You couldn't crack it. Had a response for everything I said. He did.

Followed through logically. He's perfect. Airtight. Yep. Did you develop the desire to do this when you were in prison yourself or? The desire to scare kids straight? Yes.

It's always been something I've wanted to do. Ever since I was a child, I've enjoyed scaring other children. Yeah. On Halloween? All year round. All year round. I used to scare Sunny around the house. Uh-huh.

Really? Yeah. So by hiding or by... Yeah, he would put himself in the freezer. The top part. The top part. So not the... Yeah, a top freezer.

Wait for me to get my 5 p.m. popsicle. And the second I opened it, he would just spring out and attack me. Ice cold. What time would you get in the freezer just to make sure you were there by five? Noon. And I would paint myself like a... devil Yeti so that it looked like a ice creature was trying to kill her. And every time I thought it was.

You would think that how many times would you do this? Every day. You'd think by the second time you would get used to it. Right. No, it never did. You'd also think that I'd be dead. But I developed an immunity to the cold and lack of oxygen. Did you go into some sort of like deep coma here, some sort of hypothermia coma?

I guess I must have. I mean, I remember feeling a sleepiness and a warmth, and then I remember feeling another spirit enter my body. What? Did this spirit have a name? Yeah, Devil Yeti. He's here today. Let's bring him out. Okay.

To the state, into your body, I guess. How do we bring out Chasmund? How do we bring out the Devil Yetty? He's already in front of you. Really? Yeah. Devil Yetty, are you here? Yes.

Greetings flesh creature. Do you see how his eyes are going bright green? No, I see it. Yeah, thank you. He's right here in front of me. My God. You called me a flesh creature? Yes, creature of flesh.

I will come from the freezer and destroy you. Are Yet he's not made of flesh? He's made entirely of blood and fur. That's right. Frozen blood and fur. That's why I have to say. stay in the freezer. Wait, why is Sunny still alive

if you attacked her many times? I kept him alive. I kept this one called Chasmid alive with my supernatural powers. I'm a supernatural guy. Oh, good. He meant me. Yeah, I met Sonny. I don't even listen. Do you not know who everyone is?

Do you need introductions? Okay, count down, asshole. I can't hear it so good, all right? I'm hearing through somebody else's ears. Sonia's so alive because once the freezer door opened I was powerless. Oh. Oh, you're that kind of spirit.

Yeah. Yeah, that kind of spirit. The kind who's only powerful inside the freezer. So I'd open the door and Chasman would leap out, the devil would leave his body and he would just slap me.

He would slap you. Yeah. I'd just slap her. Yeah. Free from the influence of the devil yet. Yeah. Why would you slap her then if you were free? from the influence of the devil Yeti. That's what kid's stuff, you know.

Just an ice cold slap? No big deal. Yeah, I said, ice, I would say, time for your 5PO bopsicle, pop, and then I slap her the face. Now I need one every day. This still happens to you. Yes, it's the requirement, yeah.

Well, you're in the middle of your show, too. Okay. Oh, yeah, I think you were saying, I misunderstood. And you're only halfway through your show at that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've got to get woken up. Yeah, that's the halfway point, isn't it?

Yeah. Sometimes we'll have Scarsdale just slap us to keep us awake. Really? Scarsdale, that's part of your job? Yes. You know, you know what? Sometimes it's my favorite part of the day. Scarsdale, you love these two, though, right? Yeah, I do.

I really love them. Bler. Bler? Who's your wife? Solantomy. What was her deal again? She's a snake who looks like a person. Seemed interested in that when it came up before.

Yeah. Let's delve into that just a little bit if you don't mind. Ascar Starr's engaged to. He was engaged. He's married now to a woman. Well, it's a big snake that looks like a person. Yeah. She's just secretly a snake

Secretly because you guys know about it Yeah she looks like a woman Oh but we know her and on the secret I mean we're very close with him and her Exactly And we go to dinner parties with them And she's a whole rat Just I mean for a giant snake though

That's not a that seems like an appetite It's an app, it's an app, it's an app She's watching her figure At Christmas time she'll eat a pig And why did Scarsdale fall in love with a snake I mean where would they even meet? I think they met at a bar He fell in love with their personality

Where does anyone meet? She's a stand-up comedian. Is she here tonight? Yeah. Salant to me? Yeah. Salon to me? Let's bring her out.

She goes everywhere with him. I'd love to hear her act. Salon to me, come on out here. Salon to me, it's so nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you. You have an interesting lisp. Oh, thank you. It's my tongue.

It's a snake's tongue. Oh, okay. Don't tell anyone. This does not seem like much of a secret if you tell someone immediately. Scott, she did request that you do not tell anyone. Okay, I won't. I hear you're a stand-up comedian. This is a comedy show.

This is one of the greatest comedy audiences in the world, the Washington, D.C. audience. Yes. Loves comedy. Okay. I'd love to hear a nice five, ten-minute chunk. Okay. Of your stand-up comedy.

When you go somewhere, do you like when someone asks you to be funny? Yes, love it. So go ahead. Thank you for sharing. Okay. Hey, everyone, what's up? Don't you hate it when you're stuck in your cage and your owner won't let you out?

How about when you're just so hungry because you digested the food you ate last month? This is pretty good. Ever been depicted in films in a way you didn't like? I recently saw the jungle book, and boy, was I pissed. I live in a little box. Salonza-based comedy. That was good.

That was terrific. I love Salata-based comedy. She reminds me of a young Rita Rudner. Yeah, she's so relatable. So, what did you think? I think, you know, for me, I didn't necessarily relate to any of the themes, but it's sometimes interesting to... What is this? Last Comic Standing? I'm sorry, did you ask me just so I could, you know, give you a compliment?

Yes. It was great. Thank you. Have you been on Last Comic Standing? Yes. I got to the final round, and then I won. It's usually not how people say that. They usually just say I won.

I like to build suspense. Interesting timelines to people's stories, I've noticed. It's a recurring theme in tonight's program. Tom Brady, he doesn't usually say, oh, I made it to the Super Bowl, and I won. Do you speak with him often? I talk to him every day. Oh, congrats. Does he say instead, I won the Super Bowl?

because I made it to the Super Bowl. Yeah, he sort of reverses it. Oh. Yeah, so how, so, uh, you love Scarsdale, obviously. Very much, yes. What do you love about him? I love his voice. I, I love how tenderly he cradles me in his papoosa.

Scarzdale, you have a papusa for Salantame? Of course I do. We're mad. Yes. Salonamie, are you jealous of Scarsdale's attention to Chasman and Sunny here? Sometimes. especially when he sleeps over at their house. I feel a little lonely.

Really, that happened a lot, Scarsdale? Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, he'll sometimes fall asleep while he's over at our house. He lives far away. It makes sense. Scarsdale does live very, very far away from us. Where does Scarsdale live? In Seattle.

Yes, we love Seattle. That's too far. How often do you make it back home, Scarsdale? Oh, not as often as I would like. Have you been back even one time? No. Solantamay, you must miss him. I do miss him, but I travel and I see him on the road

when I'm doing my gigs. You travel on the road? I mean, you must do gigs here in town. That's the only time you would be able to say. It seems like Scarsdale, you're here 24 hours a day, every single day. It feels like that sometimes, because that is the way it is. But you're very fulfilled. I mean, you know, snakes are cold-blooded creatures.

Is that... I have a very warm, warm blood. You have warm blood? Yes, I have warm blood. I look and feel like a real woman. It's true. Salonima is a giant, warm-blooded snake. Who looks like a woman?

Do you ever get worried that Chasman here? He drinks cat blood. Do you think he might graduate to snake blood? Chasman? You might graduate and want to drink my blood? Is that what Scott's implying? I guess I'm not sure of the high. hierarchy of animal bloods.

I guess I just mean like a serial killer. You start with animals. It goes bad. And then go to snakes? Yeah. It goes bat. Bat. Cat. Rat. Rat. Snake. Elephant. Hippo. Right. You started with bats. Yeah. I used to drink bat blood.

I wanted to be a vampire. And I thought this was the way to do it. If they could turn into bats, I'll cut out the middle man. Drink a bat's blood. he ripped the head off of one with his mouth It's true, I was a huge Ozzy Osbourne friend So what was first? The Ozzy Osbourne fan part of it Or wanting to be a vampire?

I assumed Ozzy Osbourne was a vampire And that made me a fan That was interesting Oh, by the way, I did not become a vampire Oh, okay, yeah, I guess That experiment was a failure Really? Did you become anything else though? I guess I should ask

There's such an interesting group of people Are you any other sort of supernatural creature? He got a blood disease. I do have a blood disease. Which one? I got that one where you think you're a cat. I haven't heard about this one. Yeah.

If you drink too much cat blood, because there's a limit to everything, at a certain point you might start to think you are a cat, and then you'll want to eat smaller creatures. And you think you're a cat right now? Not right now. I'm going in and out of it. How much is too much cat's blood? I guess however much it takes to think you're a cat.

What happens to you when you think you're a cat? I mean, do you crawl around on all fours? I sure do. Do you leave the house and just, you know, kind of go off on your own for a while? I wander around the neighborhood. I do that. I was wandering around K Street today. Really?

Yeah. Did you happen to see an adult who was acting like a cat? Scott, let me ask the question. Did you happen to see a big cat out there? I mean, I saw a guy on all fours asking in English for a saucer of milk. Now that I think about it, it could have been him. Did this person, were they an elderly man who was super ripped? wearing hardly any clothing at all.

Yeah, yeah, and he had a great six-pack. I think that was probably me. Yeah. Did you make fun of him at all? Yeah. What'd you say to this guy? So that cat, more like a bat. That's hurtful.

It's a terrible insult. I know, I could tell he wished he was a bat more than a cat. I thought it was a compliment. Do you have any pets, Rick? Yeah. A gecko. Oh, neat. Are you a big fan of, like, the Geico company?

Is that why you got it? No, I don't want to see. sell out. Why did you get the gecko? It was in seventh grade. We did an experiment in a science class. We had geckos and then you could take them home at the end.

What was the experiment? Can you keep a gecko alive for a month? Oh, like a baby. Yeah. And how many students took up that offer? I was the only one who wanted to bring a gecko home. Everyone else said gross, no, I'm done with this shit.

I don't know. I kind of like felt a connection to him. So it became a lifetime experiment for you? I suppose, yeah. Rick, did people make fun of you for wanting to take the gecko home? I mean, maybe, but who cares? Well, I'm saying if you've experienced people making fun of you, can't you understand how it feels when you make fun of other people?

He's sniffling here. Are you crying? No, you're crying. I'm not crying. You have tears falling out of your eyes, Rick. They're projectile tears. and they're going into the audience. Yeah, I practiced.

You practiced this? Yeah, but I thought if I was going to cry, I should at least be an active aggression. Take that. Ow! They're like sharp. They're very sharp. They're like diamonds.

Thanks. Thank you. Beautiful diamonds. So I drink a lot of mineral water. The bubbles help? It was just the minerals, the extra minerals, was accumulated my tear down. I see. I'm very dumb.

Yeah, it's basic biology. Oh, okay. Maybe you're dumb because I slapped your face every day at 5 o'clock for many years. I'll take that excuse. Rick, do you ever think that this is something, this is like the cycle of violence, you know?

You act out to people because, you know, you were bullied. I thought about that, but sort of right as I was about to make a breakthrough. I decided to start playing one of my violent video games. Oh, no. Yeah, and I didn't even have an emotional breakthrough like I could have had because I'm so short-sighted.

And I just wanted to play cod. You just wanted immediate gratification, huh? Yeah. God, I'm lame. Oh, he's crying. Oh, ow. That one made a noise. Do you guys play video games at all, Chasm and Sonny?

Sure, we do. Yeah, of course. We play all old Nintendo games. That's right. Uh-huh. Golden Eye. Super Mario Brothers. You call it Mario Brothers.

He says constantly his name is, it's a mean Mario. No. And then his brother Wario comes in. That's right, Wario. No, no. And Loua G. Louaja. Wait a minute.

Are you deaf? Are you just reading these names? Am I? Your mouth was covered. All right, that's our show. Neil Campbell! Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts.

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