Threedom - Doctor Said My Balls Have Some Sick

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

Scott, Paul, and Lauren discuss Full House, open Lauren's Christmas gifts, and reminisce about their group dinner before playing I've Got Some Bad Tunes. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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But here's the thing. I still wake up wondering, is this it? And if the best years are yet to come, when's that going to start? Join me on my so-called midlife, my new podcast with Lemonada Media, where we're building a playbook for navigating midlife, one episode at a time. Each week, I'll chat with extraordinary guests who've transformed their midlife crisis into opportunities for growth and newfound purpose.

At some point, we all ask ourselves, is there more to life? I'm here to discover how to thrive in my second act, right alongside you. My so-called midlife is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Thre-o! Thre-o!

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Thre-o! Thre-o! Thre-o! Thre-o! Thre-o! Thre-o! Thre-o! Thre-o! It's time to record freedom! It's freedom, freedom happening now, everybody get ready for freedom! Has everybody heard of freedom? It's time to record freedom! The whole podcast sounded like this, like old seven-age. I'm just asking questions. So, serial, this guy killed someone, right?

Why should trans women be allowed in sports? Hey, Joe Rogan. Why, my name's Joe Rogan, what are you saying? It's fun to podcast in an old school way. Who needs some blue chew? I need some blue chew! You're just asking. I was wondering. I have some.

It's a separate topic. I just have some. That's the dream woman just carrying around a pocket full of blue chew. Oh my God. Well, have I, have I told you the story? No. You have your own personal blue chew story? I have a blue chew story of when it went awry.

No, no, no, no. It went awry. You did the opposite. It's inside my body. Blue chew, I, so my grandma who has since passed, but we- Didn't expect grandma to be involved. A few years ago. I know, neither did I.

It's very funny. We were at a family gathering and I guess I was telling- Gotta have grandma. I was laughing with my brother about blue chew. Family gathering? That's where grandma, that's where grandma thrives. Graham Nott Tarkin. I was laughing with my brother

and maybe a couple other family members about blue chew because it was a sponsor of ours. And we just were, I don't know what we were talking about but then like my grandma was there and I went, oh, don't say that in front of grandma. And then she was like, oh, I know about that chew it and do it Because she listened to baseball games all the time And we all cannot stop laughing because I was like you not only do you know what it is you have a tagline

I haven't heard and you and we were all just crying laughing. So she had never used She'd never it was past her time probably when that might be something she's interested in doing Yeah, I mean how many 90 year old 90 might be a cutoff point also my grandpa had passed so I don't know But I would say probably 90s, I think you kind of- You think no one has sex after 90? I think a lot of women are winding it down around 90. 100% nobody has sex in their 90s. This is what you do. I'm saying women probably wind it down around 90.

Many people, not most, sorry, many people remain sexually active in their 90s and sex can be healthy and enjoyable at any age. Well, I guess I don't want to be ageist. Disagree. Although George Burns has a quote about this. Oh boy. Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. In its holder. Does he mean underpants? Yeah, that's what he means. Cause what are you talking about? His cigar, he would tuck his cigar in the waistband of his underpants. This predated the Monica Lewinsky thing, so.

Okay. And I don't think I understand that. So he's not talking about her. I don't believe so. Playing pool with a rope certainly sounds challenging. It certainly does. Here's more quotes on habits. I don't know why sex is considered to be a habit.

Well, it should be a habit, a good habit that you reinforce. If everyone sweeps before his own front door, then the street is clean. Thanks, Johan Wolfgang von Geth. Geurthe? Geurthe. Geurthe.

Geurthe? But I do think he is, I don't get that one, and I don't think that's a good quote. Might be a translation issue. I don't get it. I don't think it's a good quote. Oh, I thought you were saying George Burns said that one. No.

And then just tagged it with Geurthe? Thank you. By the way, thank you, Johan, okay. Thank you. I was like, I don't get it, dude. Nathaniel. I don't freaking get that. Nathaniel Emanz, Emanz maybe says, habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.

Let's stop doing this. I don't like it. Why? I think actually quotes about habit might be the worst quotes. This is like they're like not inspiring. They're not motivated. By the way, Forbes, do you want more quotes by George Burns? Sure. Yeah, sure. I do. Retirement at 65 is ridiculous.

When I was 65, I still had pimples. No, that's not true. And it's not true. Although you may have had that. Yeah. On his wrinkly, pimply ass. So he's saying. That's a bad combo.

I'm so old. I'm so old that I was a teenager at 65. I don't get that at all. It doesn't make sense. Yeah. I get what he's going for. No, I like it and I think off the cuff it works, but if we're really reading it and analyzing it,

it's confusing. If you just said it casually, that's funny. That's a joke that you can make if you are an ancient person. Yeah, you just rattle it off. And we're like, yeah, whatever, man. You're still alive. Yeah.

So am I. Okay, here's another one. I smoke cigars because at my age, if I don't have something to hang on to, I might fall down. That's not bad. That's good counterbalance for his body. Here's one on family.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. I was only processing the rest because you did something with your- I bit my tongue, the side of my tongue, yesterday at the most inopportune time. Oh, you bit it yesterday? I thought you just bit it. Oh, you bit it yesterday.

I thought you just bit it. During mass? No, I bit it last night. And then I woke up in the morning because I bit down hard on it in my sleep. Whoosh. Oh. And- Because it was inflamed.

Yeah. And so in the middle of that quote, I sort of had to, I hit the side of it and it kind of made me go, ow. But you brought your hand up as if you were doing a Rodney Dangerfield tie adjustment. That's what caught my eye. I, of course, I understand your pain.

I don't feel it, but I get it. Thanks, George. Thanks, George. W. Bush? Didn't you say I feel your pain? No, that was Clinton. Oh, he did that. I feel your pain.

I feel your pain. Speaking of Monica. No, stop bringing her up. She deserves freedom from she does This is not Freedom from all of this freedom, I won't get you down. I will not give you up Why the fuck did we get started about George Burns, I don't know when I gave you up. Why the fuck did we get started talking about George Burns? I don't know. Oh, sex in the 90s. Yeah, sex in your 90s.

No, in the 90s. Sex in the 90s, speaking of Monica Lewinsky. Okay. Full house. Full house, they didn't do that. Did it have sex? Where'd all those kids come from? You don't think Uncle Jesse was banging out Becky?

I hope so, sweetie, that they had those twins. I don't really know the show. They lived in the attic. They were dating and they lived together? So the house was so full because Danny Tanner's wife passed away leaving him to raise his three beautiful girls alone. Oh, this is so sad.

He had his best friend's, his wife's brother, Joey, and I mean, Jesse, and his best friend, Joey. Jesse was John Stamos. So he didn't know John Stamos really all that well. brother, Joey, and I mean Jesse, and his best friend, Joey. Jesse was John Stamos. So he didn't know John Stamos really all that well. It was his brother-in-law. They were probably pretty close. Are you close to your brother-in-law?

Not at all. So, but you know what I mean? I think in a- Was there an imbalance much like on- Maybe they're, well, you know, they're very different types. They're very different types. You know how on Friends- They're very different types. They're very different types. You know how on Friends, on Friends, Monica and Jen Aniston's relationship

predated everyone else's, so. Monica and Jen Aniston. So, she knew the character really well. Uncle Jesse and Danny Tanner are very different types. Jesse of course is a bad boy with a pompadour. He's a rock and roll dude, and he imitates Elvis and shit. I know, he loves it. And then Joey was his best friend, he's a comedian boy with a pompadour. He's a rock and roll dude, and he imitates Elvis and shit. I know, he loves it.

And then Joey was his best friend, he's a comedian, ventriloquist. What did Bob Saget do? Wait, is his job? Bob Saget was a morning talk show host. His job is comedian on the show? Wake up. His job on the show is comedian.

Wow, I did not know that. So would he travel as a comedian? And he had a wood chuck, he had this beaver- like puppet that he would do. OK, did somebody say wood? Are you fucking kidding me? And you'd always do Popeye impressions and stuff. He's got Scott working your side of the street.

Hey, get out of here. And he once dated a standup comedian and didn't end well. Who was it played by? It wasn't Maria Bamford, but it could have been. She looked just like her and she had a high voice. Hmm. Can we look this up? Yeah. And so they moved in.

What would I have to put in? Now, once Jesse started to have a relationship. Who is it? Joey girlfriend. Joey girlfriend. Stand up. Jesse had a relationship with Becky. Yes, that's right.

And the criminal, Felicia Michaels. He had been living in Michelle's old room, but then he got to be, you know, it was a little ridiculous. You can't be banging the tick away. So they moved into the attic. They renovated it. So it was like a Brady Bunch, Greg situation.

What does that mean? Oh yeah, he got the attic and he turned into a cool apartment with beads. Yeah. I don't remember that. Which in the renovation, when they bought the Brady Bunch house, they had to make sure there was an attic because of that one episode. So they had to build an attic into it or something. And then, yeah, I like that they did that with that house. But they still showed the outside of the house on the show with clearly no attic.

Yes. Right. Which was a big challenge in the rental. There's a couple things about that that aren't accurate. It wasn't like two stories, I think, or something like that. There's like a window that doesn't exist. Yeah. Like different. I remember there, the Brady Bunches amazing living room

and the, those, that staircase and everything. I know they had a great house. They really did. Yeah. Tiny kitchen. Tiny kitchen, tiny backyard. Just a little asphalt. They did have a little back yard. Astro turf. Astro turf. People didn't have big kitchens back then. That's true. Oh no. That's true. What happened? I'm sultry now. Oh! Oh la la! Well wait, what's the date?

Today? Yeah. January 2? Maybe? Do you want Christmas presents? Yes. Yeah. Now yours, Paul, I have to say yours hasn't arrived

and so I have a photograph of it. Same with you guys. Okay. Yes. Do you want a photograph of it? I don't, the photographs haven't arrived yet. Yeah. Okay, this is for Scott and then I'll show you yours when the time comes.

Oh boy, I got a wrapped gift. Snoopy wrapping paper. It is square in nature. So are you. Hey. It's light as a feather, stiff as a board. Oh my god, Sans. Oh my god, Sans, he's floating.

It floats! This is the Tansy's floating. Oh, it floats. This is the first time it's happened. We've recorded every one of these episodes, with Lauren and I with our fingertips under Scott's prone body, and it finally worked. Prone is a funny word, ignore the box, that's just what it was shipped in. Oh, okay. So now I have to open a box.

Yeah. Okay. You get to. Oh, an ornament, a Spider-Man ornament. And it says Scott. That says Scott. Oh, let ornament, a Spider-Man ornament. And it says Scott. Oh, let me see. It hangs upside down. There should be a string in there.

I meant to tie that on. There should be a string in there. And I thought it was gonna be so much bigger. So I- That's the perfect size for our tree. Okay, good. I was a little bit sad when it arrived because I was like, oh, I thought it was like way bigger.

They zoomed in a lot on me. Now, Spider-Man, because he's a hero, he fought ahead to have the name Scott printed upside down on his hat because he knows himself and he knows what the people want. They want to see him hang upside down. When it hangs upside down, you can still read Scott.

That's hysterical. I love that. I guess he's trying to throw people off the scent about what his actual name is. Yeah, they got an idea. They're getting too close to his secret identity. You can choose if you want rustic, gold, or red string. Oh, okay, so it's not all of them.

I would probably go with red or gold. I don't think rustic. Is rustic a string? I'm trying to control my Christmas gift. Rustic is string. Looks like a rope. Okay, nice. Thank Yeah, rustic-est string. Looks like rope. Okay, now- Thank you, darling. You're welcome.

Okay, now here's yours. Wait, where did my picture go? Okay, here it is. Close your eyes and then open them. It's just like unwrapping a gift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Paul's laughing at the very sight of whatever this is. It is a mug that depicts the famous drive-through order from, I think you should leave. Yes, is this sanctioned merch, I wonder? I don't think so. God, I hope not.

I don't think so. I think an independent person is making this. The total is $688. Yeah, read it out loud, please. Can you, because of my tongue. Oh, my tongue. That's true. 55 burgers, 55 fries, 55 tacos, 55 pies.

55 pies. 55 cokes, 100 tater tots, 100 pizzas, 100 chicken tenders, 100 meatballs, 100 coffees, 55 chicken wings. I like that it's 55 for most of it. It goes to 100. 55 shakes, 55 pancakes, 55 pastas, 55 meat sides, hot peppers, 155 big taters, total $688. That's not bad.

For all that food? Anyway, you should be receiving that soon. I'll drop it off at your house. Thank you. And then confetti will drop for our 1000th mug. Look, I know. I thought about that. I thought about that.

I thought about that. But then I thought, hey, it's funny. Mugs are a very hard thing to not buy. Yeah. I've found. Yeah. Cause they bring joy every time you drink. They do bring joy.

It's true. But we have such a deep shelf of mugs and we're just using the front two rows over and over. I like to rotate. I like to put some mugs into a different cabinet for a while and then bring just using the front two rows over and over. I like to rotate. I like to put some mugs into a different cabinet for a while and then bring them back and put the other ones in that. Yes, seasonal mugs. Yeah.

But even just- We have some seasonals, yeah. Even they're just jokes and I just go, ah, I want to see this one later. You know? I want to, I want to make a little- What's your favorite joke on a mug? Oh, my favorite joke on a mug is the reductress mug that says, ask me about my, I think it's ask me about my big ass.

Yeah, it's a good one. Janie and her girl group, they get together every- Gal pals. Her gal pals. Very active text thread, and of course they do a trip once a year. As we know. There was a year where they found a mug in a store

that of course is a gigantic mug that says, I'm down to one cup of coffee a day. Ah. That's good. Now. Tempting. A friend. But where does one get it?

No, exactly. But one of the- Yeah, what do you do with a joke gift like that? One of the gals gave Janie that mug in a different size, which is regular mug size. And that's very funny. Is that a joke? It's so funny to me. I'm down to one, yeah, okay.

Yeah, it's this one. It just makes sense. I use this one, yeah. Yeah, it's just logical. It's just a fact. I drink this one cup of coffee a day. I just want you to know I've stopped drinking more. That's funny.

I wanna shout out, talking about good mugs, the satanic- Good mugs! What was that supposed to be? Good mugs! Oh, okay. Good mugs! Do do do do do do, good mugs!

The satanic temple. Yeah, Mike has some satanic temple stuff. He likes a lot. What? The satanic temple? I don't know what this is. Oh, you don't? Who are you talking about?

Oh, Mike has a mug from there. Are you? Mike has a Satanic Temple mug. That's like very, it's a nice quality mug. They're really good mugs. They're really good. Well, I think this mug is gonna be really good. They sell mugs in the gift shop?

And I think it's gonna be your favorite mug. Absolutely, and it definitely will stay in my house forever. If you don't want it, I could find someone else. It'll be the last thing, if we ever move out of that house, it'll be the last thing to go. Cause you'll just leave it there for the next person? No, no, no. I'm gonna carry it with me personally

to make sure nothing happens to it. You know, you can always store something else in it, like your glasses. Can you imagine? Why won't they make something to store glasses in? I have to keep using mugs. What about all your pencils? You can put extra toilet paper in it, put it in the bathroom.

Yeah, just like wadded up. Yeah, absolutely. Hey, just in case. It's not wide enough for a roll. Just in case, we left this kitchen item in here. There's a bunch of wadded up toilet paper. These are great gifts. Thank you, Lolo.

Thank you, Lolo. Well, Paul's ungrateful, but it's fine. I am ungrateful and thank you. It's fine. I'm gonna keep the bubble wrap. Keep your puppy wrap. Keep that bubble wrap. As to make sure that it's protected

when I make the journey upstairs. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's wonderful. Well, actually, I was going to get you a Deadwood ornament but I could not find one. I found I googled it and I found you love Deadwood. Yeah, yeah. I googled it and I found a really funny one but it was sold in a in Deadwood. It was only sold in that town. Only in the brick and mortar. Yeah. And yeah, literally didn't travel there to get it. I couldn't get it. And they didn't have any. Was it related to the show or not? Here, I'll find out what it, yes, it was from the show

and I'll find out what it said. Cause it was funny. You had to come here to get this. I don't know what it meant, but I thought that would be really good. And then. It's a hate cock sucker. It has to have the word cock sucker.

Yeah, it was something fucked up on it for sure. Merry Christmas cock sucker. Yeah. It was something like that. And I, oh yeah, it says, tis the season cock suckers. There we go. And I thought that was really good, but it doesn't exist. It was something like that. Oh yeah, it says, tis the season, cocksuckers. There we go. And I thought that was really good, but it doesn't exist.

So just know that that's what the- It doesn't exist. That was the spirit of my gift, and then I went towards another inside joke. This is like absolutely, I could make this myself. So I guess I would you though. Everyone could do anything. Yeah, you wouldn't take the time.

I might just to fucking. Oh, on the top though, it does say Deadwood Dakota territory established 1875. That looks like it's there was an effort put into it. So I don't know. The rest of it you could. It's only available in person. Oh, that does look kind of good.

Yeah. It's a nice like engraved sort of. Wood, it's like etched. Yeah. Ugh. Ugh. Anyway, I thought that of good. Yeah. It's a nice like engraved sort of wood. It's like etched. Yeah. Anyway, I thought that was fun. Wonderful. Thank you for thinking of me.

You're welcome. I always like our three demortiments that you had made. Yeah. Paul, where are your gifts again? They're on their way. That's what I'm wondering. Where are they? And the photos too.

They've been on their way for three weeks at this point. I know. I know. Louis DeJoy! Okay, who's that? Post Office General. Post Office General, is what I said. Post Office General. He's the General of the Post Office.

He's our PM. Yeah. He's our PM. PM. Our PMG, did everyone have a great Christmas? We don't know yet, because it hasn't happened. But we just had a great Christmas dinner together. That's a good tease for our next segment.

Oh, fuck. We have to take a break. We'll be back with Tales from Dinner. You can save every day by shopping at Whole Foods Market. Seriously, don't just go for their big sales. Walk the store and see the savings for yourself. In the seafood department, look for the yellow low price sign on Whole Foods Market Responsibly Farmed Salmon. This fish is perfect for the grill.

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And we're back. Yeah. So if you were worried about us ever eating again, fear not because we had dinner the other night. So we've eaten at least one more time that you're aware of. Yeah. We had dinner. How many times have we done this? This has to be five.

I would say four. OK, five. Well, you haven't come to. Oh, I missed one or two. Yeah. I think you haven't come to two of them. Yikes. But this feels like five or six.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Years in a row. And fans of this show, AKA. There's an onion head. Onion head. It can't be years in a row because of the pandemic.

Oh, well. Not in a row. Yeah, that's true. It would have been 20. Did we take off 2020? We went on our trip in 20. When did we go on our trip? I think everybody did.

Our trip was 2016, 2017? I don't know. 2016. Wow. So that's eight years ago. So we must have taken out. They weren't open in 2020. I'm trying.

Yeah, I guess nothing was. I don't think we would have wanted to go eat at a restaurant. Yeah, because we, that's right. We were all scrambling for the vaccine. We were listening to that fraud Fauci. I know, wasting our time. We could have gone to the restaurant at a great time. I'm sure it would have been perfect.

I think the food has gotten better. Do you really? I had to go, well, you know, maybe I ordered something different. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna order something different. I ordered a filet mignon and I was happy. Yeah.

This is, and look, the reason, we've mentioned the name of the restaurant before, but if we're gonna talk about the food. If we're gonna talk about the quality of the food, yeah, we won't. Yeah, yeah. We'll the name of the restaurant. But I feel like, and we talked about this at the table, that they seem to have reduced their menu

and stopped varying it. Gordon Ramsay approves. I think you gotta keep it unique. Clean, simple food, expertly prepared. Pretty much. You don't wanna have a thousand options. No, not a thousand options, but it's nice that's- Oh, but you didn't like- They don't have specials. You thought there were too few. They don't want to have a thousand options. No, not a thousand options, but at least they don't have specials. They don't have, yeah, they just have the exact same things every time.

They have too few things now. Yeah. I remember it used to be like, oh my God, what am I going to get? There's so many things I'm interested in. Now it's like, oh, out of these two things, which which do I want? Menu used to be paper. Now it is plastic. That I like. It is not changing. Well,, which, which do I want? Yeah. Then you used to be paper. Now it is plastic. That I like.

And it is not changing. Well, it felt more substantial. It's more substantial. Yeah. Well, I think you're saying that because Mike got a curry or something like that, right? He got a cauliflower tikka masala. Is that how you say it?

He's a member of the vegetarian art. It was cauliflower. It was cauliflower. Why are you? It was a vegetarian. Cauliflower. Cauliflower. Cauliflower. Cauliflower. Cauliflower. Cauliflower is what I said. It should be. Lift your pinky up. It should be ca-ca-caw-la-flower. Ca-caw-la-flower. Cauliflower. How do you say it? Cauliflower. Cauliflower. I say caw-la-flower. Ca-la-flower. Say it. Ca-la-flower. What did I say? Ca-li-flower.

It just sounded like a little kid saying it. It sounded stupid. No, it didn't sound stupid. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no So you were visiting your friend's dad a lot. We went to his apartment in the city sometimes. Did everybody in the city pronounce it the correct way? I think it was understood that it's correct. Wow. Because we can't even say Los Feliz. If you were in the car, if you're in a cab, I bet you probably could say Goathe and get there.

Goatse? Goatse. Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you this and I still want to talk about our dinner, but I was, I took Holly to Disneyland last week and as a surprise and- What's Disneyland again? Surprise who?

It's this place with, it was me. I was like, what? What did I do? Where am I? When did I buy these tickets? And there were some kids playing Marco Polo, but instead of saying Marco Polo, they were saying Skibbity toilets. No. What? No.

Skibbity toilet, skibbity. No, I thought it was going to be like Mickey Mouse. No, skibbity toilet. What is this? Skibbity toilet again. I know we've talked about it. It's a guy's head in a toilet and it's the most disgusting. There's a race of creatures. Don't mansplain skibimity toilet to me. I can't, we've been over this. Can I say other than the food, like ignoring the food, best group dinner we've had?

Yeah. Really? Well, maybe I just had a great time with my section. What was with the seating arrangement? Because I tried to sit down in several places and you were all like... I didn't say anything. It was, John or somebody was saying, couples can't sit together.

Okay, that's fine. But then I tried to go on either side of Janie and people were like, no. I didn't do that. You're over there. I didn't do that. I didn't do that. No, it was the other two on your side.

Cool Up and I don't know why. They seem to have some sort of set seating arrangement in their head. It's funny that it was like couples can't sit together and then the three of us were seated right next to each other. Yeah. The person who was not there was Tall John's wife, Nora,

who is... She's a phantom. She's a phantom in the group chat. We text daily. She's a phantom in the group chat. We text daily. She never replies. Every once in a while, like I would say once a year, she replies and it's a big event.

Yeah. But she couldn't make it. One of the kids was not well. So she was not there. And then we made jokes about her not being there, which was fun. Yeah. Yeah, it was.

I thought, I just thought the vibes were on. The vibes were immaculate. I thought the vibes were immaculate. I thought my steak was really good. So I was really pleasantly surprised by that. I'm gonna switch my food order next year. You get prime rib. Cause I have not enjoyed it the last two years.

Yes, I've got prime rib. I got prime rib last time and I was, I'm not happy. Yeah. Yeah.. Yes, I've got a primary. I got primary last time and I was a little poppy. Yeah. Yeah. It seems to have declined a little bit. So I'm gonna switch over to maybe something else. Get a steak. I've decided.

I might get a steak next year because I haven't, cause I go multiple times. Yeah, so you got turkey or something this year. So you do switch it up every time you go. Gobble, gobble. I try to switch it up, yeah. But I did get the turkey dinner two times in a row. But that's also why you're more frustrated by the menu

because you're going there like a repeat customer. And I'm also remembering things that they used to have that they don't often. Michael, what is the thing you miss the most? One of the appetizers, Devil's on horseback. That's right. What is that? Bacon wrap dates.

Oh, I love those. Fucking so good. I could eat a thousand of those. They didn't have that since I've been there. No, it's been a while. They had deviled eggs they used to offer. A lot of devils. A lot of devils. They have so many good apps now.

A lot of devils. Devils for cake. They wanted to please the devil. Underwood deviled ham. You just get a little pot. Devils on horseback is what that's called. Yeah, that's what they call it. I've never heard that.

That's the only place I've ever heard of those. I used to eat those regularly. You know, I should make those around Christmas. Regularly, yeah. I will like for like once a year, like it'd be like a Thanksgiving or like it was a thing my friends and I would make as a thing to bring to a party or whatever. It's a good thing to bring to a party. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they go quickly.

So good. I love it. We know what we make for Christmas. What do we call it? Love. I don't think I'm allowed to say what we call it. Or is she in her nineties? But it's really, I mean, it's like,

I guess we call it Christmas bacon, but it's like, bacon with baked or, you know, in the oven with brown sugar. Oh, like a candied bacon. Yeah. Oh yeah. So, oh my God. That made my mouth water. And then we all go crazy for it except Mike.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Of course. And he's like, yuck. He's giving a thumbs down to everyone else. Do you know what they had one year and they've never had it that I saw before or since was goose. Oh.

It was so good. Wow, you have to order goose if you see it. Yeah, man. Really? At Christmas. Is it really good? At Christmas, you have to order goose if you see it. Yeah, man. Really? At Christmas. Is it really good? At Christmas, you tell the truth. It was delicious. I've never had it.

It was so good. It was the only time I've ever had it. I don't think, is it like duck? Okay, you know they're different birds, right? I said, is it like it? Yeah, it's like it. But it's better. Better in what way?

I've had duck. More fatty or? More flavorful. Flavorful. More flavorful. Sounds good. Let's find a restaurant that serves goose and go there for lunch today. I've had duck. Better in what way? More fatty or? More flavorful. Flavorful. More flavorful. Sounds good. Let's find a restaurant that serves goose

and go there for lunch today. That sounds great. That's a smart plan. Yeah, goose restaurants in LA. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

But that was really fun. I love- Running Goose, the Blue Goose Lounge. Okay, here's- Wait, is that a restaurant with a subtitle? No. Running Goose, colon the Blue Goose Lounge. Here's a Reddit thread of restaurants that serve goose.

And there are no replies. Reddit thread. Ah! Ah! The least successful Reddit thread in history. I don't think it's gonna be common at all in most of America. Chinatown.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Then you can have it today, you can go get it. Let's go get it. Let's go get it. Let's get Goose. I like having traditions and rituals and things like that.

I really enjoy that. It's very comforting to me. Like I feel like this year has been really busy and a lot of travel and stuff like that. It's very comforting to me. I feel like this year has been really busy and a lot of travel and stuff like that. And I was in a place after that dinner the next day, just feeling really good and happy and peaceful and reflecting on the year And like there's been a lot of challenging things, but overall it's like, what a great year. Like personally, of course. Yeah, yeah, not talking about the world. Like in terms of the things that are important in life,

I feel like I had a very good year in that way. And I feel very fortunate to be, you know, surrounded by the people in my life that are my friends and my community. Yeah, it was really nice. That's great. We do try to surround you. You were sitting in the center of the table. Always, at all times.

We have our arms around you. It's the only way you're willing to talk. That's right, now. Lift me up with your fingers. I also felt very happy after that. And well, I think the reason why I had so much fun was partly because we split up from couples so that conversation could go in unexpected ways. And so I was, I had a nice conversation with my section that I feel like would not have

happened if it was a group conversation. Yes, I never got to talk to you. Yeah, that was perfect. It was ideal. I felt the same talk to you. Yeah, that was perfect. It was ideal. I felt the same way. Yeah, yeah. I heard Scott and Mike talk about their kids. It was very sweet.

That's nice. I was talking about his kid and he was talking about Mike. You guys were just speculating what they're like and stuff. Yeah. I bet. So I bet Emmy loves Bluey. Who's the Bluey movie? I know it's coming. Bluey. They're making a Bluey movie. They bet Emmy loves Bluey. Who's the Bluey movie? I know it's coming.

Bluey. They're making a Bluey movie. They're making a Bluey? When's it come out? You know what, I don't know, but you know what I am happy about? That it's movie length. Because one of the things that is hard about watching Bluey

is that it starts over every seven minutes or so or less. And then Emmy goes, more. And it's like, you have to keep agreeing to more, which is like, I'm already letting you watch it. What if you went to see the Bluey movie though, and every seven minutes they're like, do you wanna stay? And then they're like, de de de de de de, you have to hear the whole theme song.

How long is Bluey? Seven minutes. Like seven minutes. Oh really? And then they have mini episodes that are like, that are like two. For like two minutes, and it's like. But then they have that one episode that's like an hour.

They did one long episode. It was a very special episode. It was almost the last one they ever made maybe. Or maybe they've made more since then. Some of them have some heavy sort of subtext or storylines. Even text. Yeah, text kids wouldn't understand.

Like, yeah, there's like stuff about pregnancy. There's stuff about like feeling left behind. Genocide. Genocide. Genocide. They go there. Yeah, that happened. Oh yeah, that happened.

You don't think the Israeli people have a right to exist? It's not bad. Not bad, Bluey. Hey, thank you. happened. You don't think the Israeli people have a right to exist? Not bad. Not bad, Louie. I'm terrible at Australian. It's hard. It's really hard. It's just Val Choices, right? But they're all weird. Who's Val Choices? Val Kilmer's ex. Oh. Yeah.

He marries people who have the same name as him, but then different last names. And her name was Val Choices. Yeah. Yes. Remember when Joanne Wally married him? She became Joanne Wally Kilmer. Oh, that was exciting. Then they got divorced.

She went back. It's cause she should have been Val Wally Kilmer. Yeah, I know. It's hard to go back from a name. It is. But a lot of people do it. It's hard, but it shouldn't stop you. Changing your name is such a pain in the ass.

And I couldn't believe that Janie did it when we got married. Did she do it immediately? Like a minute after I do? We stepped on the glass. She- You got married on a glass bottom boat, by the way. Yeah, and then the boat sank.

But you stepped on it. Yeah. Which you had to do. I stomped on the bottom of the glass bottom boat. Yeah. Put my foot right through it. Yeah. Started filling with water.

I said, I'm so sorry. Everyone said, we don't accept your apology. Yeah. A big whale came, looked at us, shook his head and kept on going. Real like in dismay or disdain. A bigger whale came. Oh no.

Ate that first whale. Oh, this must've been a big whale. It was really big. Then it looked at us and went, mm-hmm. Also you? Okay. Open his mouth. Where were you at this time?

Still with my foot stuck. Oh, okay. Boat sinking going down. Boat sinking going down. You're trying to get away, but you're stuck in the hole. Well, I feel like if I take my foot out, it'll be worse. The water will come faster. True.

Good point. I'm like the little Dutch boy. And I had a Dutch boy haircut. Oh, interesting. Yes. Is that like a bowl cut? Sort of, yeah. But you got your bangs, and then you have sort of a page.

It's like a page boy haircut. You would look really weird with that. Oh, I did. I did and almost prevented me from getting married. Oh, okay. She was like, why did you do that to your hair for this day? And then she put on sunglasses and said, that's a little better. At least it's not as bright. And it was, it was bright white. It was bright white. Yeah. Did she do her Stevie Wonder impression that she's known for when she puts on sunglasses? She did. And honestly, that distraction people for a little bit

She did she said this is my last okay, and I'm only doing it because this boat is sinking Okay, that's okay in a situation like that. She thought she was gonna die. Yes. Anyway, the big show We should wonder the last thing she did to be that well, she wanted to go out entertaining people. Yeah, that's a naughty way. Yeah, okay So the bigger whale opened his mouth. Then the littler whale opened. He like peeked out alien style. From the, but the one that was eaten. From the big whale.

Yeah. That's cool. And then he swallowed the boat. Wow. The little whale? The little whale, littler whale. So big. Sure, it's a whale. There's no such thing as a small whale. No, that's so true. Except.

In the context of other whales. Corduroy's. Corduroy's? You can have a small whale, you can have a fine whale, corduroy. That's what it's called? Yeah. I'm wearing corduroy's right now.

I guess I have a pretty thick whale. Actually, no. With two C's. This is a fine whale. It's a fine, it's not a wide whale. It's a fine whale. So. Corduroy the bear, fine whale. It's a fine, it's not a wide whale. It's a fine whale. So. Corduroy the bear, now is he named after a whale?

Yes. Probably. Yes he is. Especially the bear part. He's named after the bear of the show. Yes. Which is named after a whale. Yeah, so Corduroy describes his.

Parents. Exactly. Yeah. And the whale part is, well, it's also from The Whale. So it's, you know, the bear, the show is based on the movie The Whale, which is based on the play Push by Sapphire. He's down and that's right. Yeah.

Got like an underwear ad and. The Whale. Yeah. Yeah. The Whale got an underwear ad. Yeah. And everyone was like Thirst Trap. And he's playing Jabba the Hutt's grandfather.

This chap looks so good. This chap, Thirst Trap. He's playing Jabba the Hutt's grandfather in a voiceover recording that he can do on his phone in a closet with a coat over his head. That's correct. So anyway, we were inside two whales. Wow.

And I said, when is this ever gonna happen again? This is a two whale experience. And the boat stopped sinking. So what you said was, when is this ever gonna happen again? This is a two whale experience. And the boat stopped sinking. So what you said was, when is this ever gonna happen again? Yeah. You just were noticing it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. And you thought you were gonna live past this experience. But there was an actuarial guy who was like,

let's calculate the odds of this happening again. Oh, so you spent the time to do that while you were going underwater. And it's one in three. Really? Yeah. Or is it that you were you were one within three? Is it one in three? Yeah, I forgot to mention an even bigger whale came. Oh, yes. Is it one in three

because once it happens to you it's going to happen again like they say when you're three more times abducted by aliens. Yeah. Those people are usually the ones that they go back for. Yeah. How do you think they know? We've already probed this guy. Yeah. Do you think they have like sort of a- Now let's talk. Do you think there's like a sort of like dog whistle or like a radiation light that comes out of people once they've been probed by aliens that only aliens can see with their special nightlight?

Well, I think, I mean, we tag animals, so I think they tag us. Yeah. It's that simple. You just think it's how we do it. Yeah. They probably got it from us. Isn't that funny? Because're so advanced. They're like look at these humans tagging animals Well, they're so advanced, but why would they get it from us?

Because they didn't think of it. We also tax you just don't think of things Yeah, and they're like, oh my god, so tech people in Instagram photos so we can trouble you track the progress They probably follow you on Instagram and kind of just keep tabs on where you are Yes, me and p22 and now P22 of course has passed on. Did P22 get shot or was P22 natural causes? P22 was put down. He was riding a bus and he went below 55 miles per hour. With a shot.

And the bus exploded. He wanted to make the miles per hour match his name. So he went down to 22. Yeah. Boom. And he changed his name to MPH. Mm-hmm. MPH. Meal Patrick Harris. 22 MPH instead of P22.

Meal Patrick Harris. And that's why the new- Meal Patrick Harris, which is based off of- Push. The novel Push by South Fire, which is based off of Neil Patrick Harris's favorite meal, which is spaghetti. He loves spaghetti.

He loves spaghetti, but dry with no sauce. Dry spaghetti. He doesn't want it cooked. No. Wants to snap it off is spaghetti. He loves spaghetti. He loves spaghetti, but dry with no sauce. Dry spaghetti. He doesn't want it cooked. No. Wants to just snap it off. Al dente, it's a nice snack. Al dente. Is it al dente if that's how it comes in the box?

Yeah, that's al dente. Yeah. If you just eat it. That's the most al dente. Some people eat ramen. Al dente would be a good like drag king name. Sure. You should do it.

I can't disagree. I'd have a big spaghetti dick. With like maybe a dentist. A pound of spaghetti tied together with twine. Prince Albert would also be a good dragon name. In the can. Prince Albert in the can, better let him out. Of the closet.

So. Are you ever gonna tell us what happened? I'm telling you what happened. To hell with what happened where? You have to be patient. That's the story we're hearing, dear. We made the whale sneeze. Hold on, honey, thank you for telling me.

You're welcome. We made the whale sneeze. How? Everyone had pepper. Oh, good. Everyone had pepper. Always take pepper to a wedding. Which by the way, we don't have right now

and we need to get as we almost stole it from the restaurant. Mike was talking about pepper how he's like we can't find pepper anywhere. You were like Jean Valjean. We just needed it. And it wasn't like a just for the record it wasn't like a nice pepper shaker it was a what it comes from in the store. Yeah. That's what was on the table. Yeah. Because they want to represent Lowry's because Lowry's allows you to have your Lowry's steakhouse car Lowry to heaven and I just learned about this and you can get discounts and points That's right, and I'm fascinated by that. I'm gonna tell you about when I don't I don't have enough points systems Okay, I need help. Yeah, you need I want someone to be helping with this

you need to by the way on in your uber app link your by the way, in your Uber app, link your credit card. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. What? Anyway, I'll tell you later. Link your credit card. I need to. No, link your DeltaMiles. Holy shit.

I have to get on DeltaMiles. You don't understand. I've been wasting my time with a different airline and it's not paying off. Which one? I'm not gonna name them here. Spirit? No.

But forever I've had a card for a different airline and it doesn't have the same rewards and benefits. No. No. Yeah. Did I tell you, and we'll get back to your story in a second Paul. Sure. Did I tell you about when I was dating this woman?

I'm sure you did. Yeah, probably. Who we went out to dinner with her and her friend and the owner of the restaurant came up and accused them of stealing the flower off the table in the vase and the silverware or something like that. No, as we were leaving, he like stopped them and said, Hey, you stole this stuff off the table. And I asked her, I said, did you do this? And she was like, no. And so I got like in the guy's face saying like,

you need to back off, you know, like all this stuff. Like, you can't just come over and accuse people of doing this stuff that they haven't done. Like get out of our face. I've come to find out that they're both kleptomaniacs. Wow. That's fun. I didn't know that extended to just stealing

anything from anywhere. Did you just open a cupboard and all this crazy stuff fell out from all the places you had been together? I have to clap, I have to clap. I remember stealing silverware from restaurants in my young impoverished days. Because you needed more silverware or just for fun? I needed some silverware or just for fun? I needed some silverware. Yeah. I remember having like in my first apartment in Los Angeles, a fork and a knife.

Why do you need more? You clean it right after you, you know. Looks very sad in the drawer. Yeah. Especially when it's just for silverware. Yeah. Clank. You open it up.

You can get silverware from Goodwill and also the dollar store. I'm just saying that for anyone who needs to see silverware. I wish I knew that before. I wish I knew that before, but I didn't. Yeah. But anyway. I knew you could get silverware from the cat and fiddle pub.

We need to hear the end of the story. You made the whale sneeze. Oh yeah, that would happen. Now we're inside the middle whale. Okay. We made that whale cough. Okay, how? How did you do?

Give him cocaine? We started smoking. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, everyone had cigarettes. Okay. How, how did you do? We started smoking. Oh, okay. Great. Yeah. Everyone had cigarettes. So cigarettes and pepper. Then like, how do we get out of this big whale? We talked to the other two whales. We said, what would you do? He said, I would tickle his soft palate. So you asked them when you were still in them, what would you do? No, no, no. After we got Oh, they were just floating around nearby. Yeah, we're all trapped. We're all trapped in, yeah.

Because now we're all in the same situation. Yeah. The whale? We gotta work together. You're trapped in the third whale, yeah. Me, Jamie, the wedding guy. I thought you were, I thought you, I thought you sneezed off the big guy.

No, I wish! Okay, I was going backwards, okay. No, no, no. We have to get, we had to get out of two whales. Yeah. And then we asked the two whales we get out of, how do we get out of this one? And they said, tickle a soft palate. Yeah. Well, that works on everyone. Yeah. Isn't this, isn't that so funny? It'll make you go, oh, oh. And then we, we talked with the whales for a second about how funny it is that we're all so alike. Yeah.

And we shouldn't be swallowing each other. Yes. I'm glad you got to bond in that way. Yeah. And so we all, even the whales, tickled the soft palate of this gigantic, ginormous whale. And it didn't work in the way that we thought it was gonna work.

He had paralysis of his upper palate. Oh no. Soft palate. Oh my God, and that happens to whales. But he got from the sound what we were doing. So he just let you out. And he opened his mouth. He was like, ah ha ha, you guys are funny.

He's like, oh, if you want me to open, just say that. Just say, open your mouth. If you want me to open my mouth, just say that. Yeah, yeah, anyway, the new mountain lion is called P69. Oh, awesome. Nice. So that he won't ever drive below 55. And also it's cool. Yeah. That's so awesome.

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I'm choking both of them. Guess what? What? It's time for a three chair. I don't know what you're talking about. I had no idea it was time for that and I don't know what that is. Let me tell you, and I'm pleased to do so.

Okay. A Three-Ture is a game that we like to play, also known as a Buster. Oh yeah, I heard of a Buster. Yeah. Oh, that's what we're talking about. That's what a Three-Ture is? Oh, okay.

Everyone loves Busters. You should've just called it a Buster to start. Yeah. Well, I'm having my fun with you and your little brains. So my brain is big and manly. My biggest, my biggest brain. My biggest brain.

Too perfect. It's too perfect. Because you're an alpha male. Yeah. I'm a beta cuck. Are there any beta males who say that they're beta males? I wonder this all the time. I'm sure there are who like to be dominated.

They're like, I'm a beta male. But certainly the people that are calling other people beta males, they're not beta males. Can you imagine walking around like inflicting alpha energy in every interaction with people? I'm a delta male. I would hate to do that to people. I know, it would be too intimidating. Yeah, I don't to do that to people. I know, it would be too intimidating.

Yeah, I don't wanna do that to people. You don't wanna make them see it. A good alpha takes care of the people around him. A good alpha acts like a beta. That's so true and so deep. While knowing the subtext that they're creating an alpha environment for everyone. And a true beta speaks when spoken to.

Never. This is a three-chart called, I've Got Some Bad Tunes. This was- I've got some bad tunes. This was submitted by- A lot of bad tunes. Luc Besson, no, sorry, Luc Benson. One player chooses a scenario where someone has to deliver some bad news. Another player chooses a song slash tune.

So both are on the table. Okay. Songs and tune. What's the difference? Well, a song is like, it has a title, it has lyrics. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. A tune is like. A tune is just like, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do The third player, oh this is important. Another player chooses a song tune that the other players will know.

The third player has to deliver the bad news from the given scenario to the tune slash melody. Now melody's got in there. Oh my god. Of the chosen song. Okay. It's simple, it's fun, it's silly. I wasn't listening, but let's do it.

You know what it is. You know what it is, come on man. We choose the song, we choose the problem. You deliver the news. That's right. Great. Let's do it. Okay.

Who will be the first deliverer? Do we do it all in song or? I think we might have a little scene ramp up. I think when you're actually delivering the news, that must be in song. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. But you could do a bunch of bullshit before it. Hey, thanks.

Oh yeah, you can spout your regular crap. Hey. You do your usual time-wasting nonsense and everyone will love it. This, okay, so we say the song in advance, we say it out loud or we text to? Or we text, we text. I think we text, the problem should be a surprise.

Oh yeah, cause it's a- It wouldn't be a three-chair if we didn't try to figure it out on air. Yeah, one person will have, I don't think this is important, but it adds fun to the game. Yeah. That only one person,

the person who has to deliver the bad news in song, has both things. Both of the information. Yes, both of the information. Okay. Great. So I'm gonna text- All right, you're just texting somebody?

Yeah, I'm just deciding. I'm gonna text Scott, I want Scott to go first. I'm gonna text him. So you're just texting somebody? Yeah, I'm just deciding. I'm gonna text Scott. I want Scott to go first. I'm gonna text him. So you said we should do both? Or I should just do... You should do both. Yeah, yeah, you should because... One person picks the song, one person picks the other. Okay, you text the song, I'm gonna text what the news is. Okay.

Also, the last thing I wrote to you was, On average, there is a Friday the 13th, once every 212.35 days. The news is... There is a Friday the 13th, once every 212.35 days. The news is... The news is, I haven't received neither text nor sext from either of these people as of yet. I'm not gonna send you a sext. I'm gonna send you a sext.

Okay, yeah. Paul's sending me a sext, I'm going to send you a sext. Okay, yeah. Paul sending me a sext. I'm so excited. I got a sext from Paul. What if you had to act like you were on Love Island every time you got a text and you went to all your friends and you're like, I got a text. You know, I've never seen the show. You're never gonna believe this, but I just got a text. I got a text. Yeah. Okay. She thinks I'm cute. She thinks I'm never gonna believe this, but I just got a text. I got a text! Yeah.

Okay. She thinks I'm cute. She thinks I'm cute. What is that from? Rudolph, the Red Nose Reindeer. Oh, I gotta make Holly watch that. I thought it was from The Little Vampire. Make her do it.

Yeah. The littlest vampire. We started to watch it today and Emmy got bored. She got bored. What? I got bored! Last year she got bored and then last year she also hated The Grinch. So I'm going to try again, but we got- The original Grinch?

Yeah. We got a, we put up a projector screen for my family's visiting. We're trying to make it like a little more exciting. So like, so that we could put on like a Chris movie. Trick them into thinking they're in a movie season. Like while we're kind of doing stuff, but it happened in the living room.

Put a bunch of trash on the floor. And I thought that would be fun to put the old movies on there Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna come and go we're still playing whatever. Yeah, I'm curious about that new animated Grinch They did a couple years ago. Oh, right You're curious. I think she watched that. I sort of want to watch it I think she watched that and liked that we do a Scott hasn't seen about it. It's sort of like the Lorax style cart at like the Lorax style, like the newer Lorax style cartoon.

Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Like Minions style. Just say Minions. It's just like Minions style. That's shorthand for good. Minions is great.

Minions is good. Banana. I was not aware that Minions would be good. I didn't believe it would be good. And then when it came on, I thought, ha ha, I can't stop laughing. Oh, I'm sorry, am I in the middle, Lisa? Yeah.

I was just telling him about something. Sorry, we're- We were talking about Minions. Would you like a coffee? Yeah, or anything from the menu? I love a coffee. The tea? We were just talking about Minions.

Sorry, customer's always right. Would you like anything? Yeah. You know what, would you like a banana? If we're talking about Minions. I mean, I'd rather have an orange, but do you have, I guess we could split the diff? We don't have yet. An orange banana? Sorry. I can, I'd rather have an orange, but do you have, I guess we could split the diff. We don't have an orange banana.

An orange banana. Sorry. I can give you a yellow orange. Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah. Wait, this is just a lemon. Yeah. Yeah. It's a yellow orange. What do you think a yellow orange is?

Okay, I'm not gonna eat a lemon. Okay, well, good day. Okay, then put it back, please. On the tree. Did you want a coffee or a latte? Do you have tape? Or a frappuccino? Oh, tape's not gonna do it.

Tape's not gonna do it at all, buddy. All right, some string maybe? Why don't you take rustic? Take this rustic. Okay, thank you. Take this rustic. Tie this around. Yeah, if, could I have a-

Good as new. One and a half calf. I don't know what that means. Oh, caffeine. What is one and a half? It's one plus half of another one. Okay. Why don't you just order two and dump out half of it?

I brought my own mug. It says I've only cut down to one cup of coffee a day. Okay, why is that a mug? It's funny, see. But do we need to know that? It's just a regular size mug. Well, I mean, just But do we need to know that? Regular size mug. Well, I mean, just in case you wanted to give me two. I can't. I'm not allowed to fill a personal mug here.

It's kind of a Satan, a Satan, a sanitary, Satanic rule. It is against the rules. Also, you can't bring a lamb here. OK, I thought you might want to sacrifice it. Other rules we want to you need to put shoes on and you need to put a hat backwards. Okay, all right, here. I'm wearing flip-flops, aren't those?

That's just fashion crime. Okay. No shoes, no backwards hat. Thank you for your service. No, he needs to have shoes and he needs to have a backwards hat. I thought you wanted me to have the backwards hat. No, I'm saying if he doesn't have those.

Oh yeah, no shoes, no backwards hat, goodbye. Thank you for your service. All right, here you go. I put on shoes, I to have the backwards hat. No, I'm saying- Oh yeah, no shoes, no backwards hat, goodbye. Thank you for your service. All right, here we go. I put on shoes, I put on a backwards hat. You look cool. Yeah, it's like a beanie, but the writing is on the back. Sure, that counts. The writing is on the back.

You know how the writing on beanies is always in the front. Typically. It should be. Yeah. Anyway, I meant to tell you that, hello everybody, who owns that car. It's right outside and it is on fire. Oh, you're gonna get it on your knees. Knees.

Jesus. What am I gonna get on my knees, fire? Yeah. Okay. Ashes. I'll see you guys later. All right, thank you. Jesus. What am I going to get on my knees? Fire? Yeah. Okay. Ashes. I'll see you guys later.

All right. Thank you. You're going to get ashes on your knees? What just happened? Wait. Oh my God. That's my car. You forgot your mug.

And scene. That was a good one. I liked it. All right. I liked it a lot. I liked it a lot. Let's rotate to where I give the bad news to Paul and Lauren gives the song to Paul.

Okay. I'm interested in seeing what songs Lauren thinks I know. Knees, knees, knees. Mm-hmm. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da, swing, swing. Swing banner. From Trump.

Thank you, I love you. After my landslide victory, will you answer question number one? Not number two. Okay. Alrighty, we have both sexted Paul. I sent him a dick pic of somebody I found online. I sent him a dick pic of somebody I found online. Ah, hi everyone. Thank you for being here.

Oh yeah. It's our house, so thank you for coming over. It doesn't hurt to say thank you. I guess. Yeah, can I get you a little biscotti? Yes, I'd love a biscotti and I'd love a cup of tea. Do you want a yellow orange? Ooh, do you have a yellow orange?

Yeah, right here. Oh, that's a lemon. Well, it's in many cultures and cultures described as a yellow orange. Sorry, you're usually just kind of dropping off the mail and leaving. But this time I came inside. Yeah, I know. Do you have mail? You are a nice guy.

I just kind of know. Remember, you got mail. Yeah, I know. Do you have mail? You are a nice guy. I just kind of know. Remember you got mail. Yeah, I do remember that I have it. Remember that? Yeah. No, that's my job. So I remember it every day. Right.

Yeah, I've got mail. Yeah. So what was your name again? I know a lot of people don't know my name. Well, I mean, to be honest, you just drop off the mail. We never have had any interaction with you. That's right. I'm a human being.

Yeah. No, and thank you so much for all that you do. Why is our mail open, by the way? Just to help you out. Oh, so it comes like pre-opened? No, I do that. Have you looked at our mail or? I mean, like looked at, yes.

Like read. Oh, that's at. Yes. Like red. Oh, that's a different question. Illegal. What is? Reading our mail. Among other things. We're not going to list everything that's illegal. Oh, a lot of things are illegal.

Yeah. They keep making new laws. Give me two. Stealing. Give me two orange. Yellow oranges. Oh, sorry, yeah, here you go. Sorry, I thought you might give you two examples. Yeah, here you are. I can only think of one anyway.

Get a bite of these. Anyway, my name is Timothy. Timothy, that's like Shalime. Were you named after Timothy Shalime? I was named in spite of. In spite of? Yes, in spite of Timothy Shalime. And my last name, well, in spite of Timothy Chalamet.

And my last name, well, it's a bit of a prophecy. Chalamet. Mailman. Oh, Timothy Mailman. So was your father a mailman or mother? My father was a steam engine driver. My mother was a mailman. Oh, so that was her, but it was her maiden, it wasn't her, it was her married name, but she.

Her job was mailman. What was her last name? Was her married name It wasn't her it was her married name, but she her job was mailman But what was her last was her married name mailman or did she keep her old her old name was steam driver? Well, sorry you can go on your way we're catching up You haven't read it but because I'm waiting. Yeah, someone that's really personal. Well, I never admitted to reading it But let's just assume you know stuff about us. I do, I do. I've been waiting for actually some test results, so I'm kind of excited to read my mail.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna, I need some privacy. Funny you mentioned test results. Why? Well. Well. Oh, you better sit down. This news ain't no good. I went to the doctor like you know that you should. Doctor said my balls have some sick.

He looked at them close. He looked at them well. he looked at them well, he said, your balls have cancer, I tell you have testicular cancer. We're gonna take your balls off and put them in a jar. And everyone will come and see from near and also from far. Oh, you're gonna be fine. How many verses are in this? You're gonna be good.

Once your balls come off, everything's good. You have testicular cancer. That was a beautiful song. I got to clap for that, but the news is terrible. I never heard that virgin. I never heard that virgin. How did you know I was a virgin? Your balls are some sick.

And scene. That was good. Thank you. All right, now I text the song to Lauren. And I text the news. Dee dee dee dee. Dee dee dee dee dee. Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee dee dee. Dee dee dee, beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. . T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T- Okay. Okay. Let me. Okay. Hey, Paul. Yeah. Um, thanks for coming over. Nick, you can just call me Nick. Do I have to? It's what everyone calls me. I'd prefer to be called Nick. Can I call you Colas? Like Coca-Cola's? I'm just going to reach in here and just grab one of these books for sale. Yeah. Are you interested in reading books?

Yes, I am. How many books have you read so far in your lifetime? Oh, you're one of these places. You're so fucking pretentious. We're just curious. How many, honey? I've probably read 500 books. That's a lot. Seems reasonable.

In a year, I imagine. 500 a year since you've been born? 500 a year since I've been born. I did start with some easy ones. Sure, and finished with some easy ones, I would imagine. No, ever since then, it's been harder and harder. So I started with, you know, just a book of words. Do you mind if I quiz you?

Sure. Hop on pop. Do you mind if I quiz you? Sure. Hop on pop. Do they do it or not? Fuck. Yeah. That's the subtext of that book. I don't think so.

But I guess I didn't read it first. That used to be my pickup line. I would go into a bar and say, you wanna hop on pop? And then I would open up my jacket and there was a t-shirt. It said Pop. Well, your name's Jared, right? Jared Pop.

Yeah. I called you Paul earlier, I'm so sorry. Your name's Jared? But that's your legal name, right? Paul is a nickname for Jared, yes. Okay, then I found the right person. Yes. You can stay if you want.

Love to. I have some information I'm supposed to pass on to Jared. I work here, so I- I was actually pretending to buy books. I don some information I'm supposed to pass on. I work here so I was actually pretending to buy books. I don't even know how to read. Yeah. Let me. How do you pretend? I've never been able to do whatever I just did. That was fake. Oh, it is that simple. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Here, try reading this. Go ahead and... What happened? That's what it says. I can't under.

Yeah. Okay. You've been carrying that around for weeks. Just trying to find someone to read it to me. I can't under. I can't read. Okay. I wrote it though.

I just have something to tell you that's not gonna make you happy. Well, I mean, I'm a pretty happy guy. He's already happy. So. I can't imagine something that's gonna make me not that way. Yeah, I'm the one who's always sad. So if you have something to tell me. So which of us is telling the truth?

Yeah. Your mom went walking, ooh, and she forgot her phone. Your mom went walking. She was abducted by a drone. She was flying up so high in the sky. She was taken somewhere far and held by a very weird guy. She is living, woo, living in a little weird shack. And you're never, ever gonna get her back.

She is a virgin. Oh no, I'm so sorry. Wait, my mom's a virgin? You're adopted. This is how I find out? Oh. Or you're like Jesus pop That was a vaginal birth Don't talk about that enough

What? That Jesus was born vaginally that he came out of a vagina It wasn't a c-section is that a sin even though she was a virgin it was a it was a vaginal birth Yeah, I just had a memory to be that close to a vagina, it seems like a sin. I just had a flashback. Whoa, Vietnam? Fifth grade, I went to Six Flags Great America with my friend and her sister and her family. And they had a karaoke place where you could record a seat

or a tape or CD of yourself singing. I did this singing Careless Whispers and David to my grandma for Christmas. Of course you did. We sang Mbap, but her sister sang like a virgin. Oh. And was that a scandal? Her family didn't care, but in retrospect,

I think, wow, that's kind of crazy. And how old? She would have been like 12 when we were like 10. Oh my word. I was 13, yeah. Naughty. Yeah, it was crazy. And that's how you play I've Got Some Bad Tunes. I got some bad tunes. I want a good word. I was 13, yeah. 13. Yeah, it was crazy. And that's how you play, I've got some bad tunes.

I got some bad tunes. Bad tunes, I want a bad tune. Guys. That was fun. So fun. It was a fun one. It was fun, I had a good time. Anything to talk about here, it's January 2.

I'm gonna be at SketchFest at the end of the month, doing a bunch of shows. And this is the festival where you pose nude for people who sketch you? Yes that's correct and they come from all over the place. Wonderful. And then we have sex in an old timey car. Nice. So you have sex with everyone? Every single person. That's the if the sketch iskins guarantee. If the sketch is good enough. That was really funny how you said that thing. If you make me look ugly, I'm not going to fuck you in the old timey car. That's my promise.

Do you know your dates there? Um, yeah. Sure you do. Sure I do. Sure we all do. Yeah, we all know dates. Um, I'm going to say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama

say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama say mama and then showing them to us. And I did not like the picture of me. So I started singing, don't wanna see. That was making me laugh. Don't wanna be reminded what I look like in a photo. So the 24th of January through the 26th of January. Wow, that's a weekend.

I'm doing a bunch. I'm doing two shows a day for that weekend. Sounds like six shows. It does sound like that. Incredible. And then also where the annual St. Patrick's Day show, the Varietopia St. Patrick's Day special happening 16th of March, the day before St. Patrick's Day

at Lodge Room, live and live streamed. Tickets are available now. Go to paulofttomkins.com slash live. Wow. Wow. I wanna again plug my Spider-Man run. Yeah, man. The 11th issue just came out.

And this one Spider-Man just runs, right? Yeah. He doesn't do the webs. Never does the webs, he's just like, and he's out of breath. He has super strength, but he can't run, he doesn't have stamina. And he does the webs, he's just like, he's out of breath, he has super strength, but he can't run, he doesn't have stamina. And he refuses to take a cab.

Yeah. Out of principle. Uh-huh, because he's like, I'm a New Yorker! Hey, I'm walking here, is what he says, it's very funny. Anyway, the 11th issue just came out, and people can get that on the Marvel Unlimited app, where you can get not only that,

but almost every comic they've ever put out. That's really cool. That is cool. Oh, you're lying right now. No, I'm not. You think it's cool? Do you really think I'm cool? I think it's, I mean.

I don't have anything to promote. Nothing? Love that for you. I don't know if I do. People can still get your live stream, I bet. Yeah, I'm sure you can. If you go to dynastytabritter.com, go to the video vault.

All my stuff is there. I'm gonna go to that video vault. Yep, it's where Song of the South is, right? Yeah, and I don't know what else. You'll have to just follow me on Instagram to see what I'm up to. Great. All right, well, also, if you wanna send us an email

or a three-mail, send it to- Three-mail, I like that. FreedomUSA at gmail.com. That's right. If you'd like to leave us a voice message, which we use for our three meme episodes every other Wednesday, you go to hagclaims8.com and leave us a voice message there.

That's right. And if you want to hear those, us answer those voice messages. Listen, you subscribe either at CBB World or at Lemonada Premium. That's what you have to hear those, us answer those voice messages. Listen, you subscribe either at CBB World or at Lemonada Premium. That's what you have to do. And we answer those every other week. And oh, also Paul and I have been doing the best ofs

for Comedy Bang Bang for the past two weeks. We sure have. The final episode just came out today where you can hear the top three episodes and we've been having fun doing those. So why don't you just play that right after this? I wouldn't blame you if you did. Yeah.

I don't have anything else to say. Okay, goodbye. Love ya. Bye. Happy New Year. Zagatagatagatagat. Ah. Hi everyone, Gloria Riviera here and we are back

Hi, everyone. Gloria Riviera here, and we are back for another season of No One Is Coming to Save Us, a podcast about America's childcare crisis. This season, we're delving deep into five critical issues facing our country through the lens of childcare, poverty, mental health, housing, climate change, and the public school system. By exploring these connections, we aim to highlight that childcare is not an isolated issue but one that influences all facets of American life. Season four of No One is Coming to Save Us is out now wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi, I'm June Diane Raphael. And I'm Jessica St. Clair. And we would like to invite you on a hilarious and heartfelt journey each week on the Deep Dive. From navigating the chaos of motherhood and family to exploring the depths of grief and loss, we are just two best friends who process life together and with you guys. Discover our secrets to finding joy amidst the madness and get ready for unfiltered conversations about life, love, and everything in between. And nails, we talk a lot about nails.

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