Threedom - Don't Call Me Baby If You Can't Return My Text

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

Scott, Lauren, and Paul discuss the LA fires, Christmas, and Pop Up Video before playing Crazy Pet Return. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, I'm Reshma Sajjani, founder of Girls Who Code. Look, I'd consider myself a pretty successful adult woman. I've written books, founded two successful nonprofits, and I'm raising two incredible kids. But here's the thing. I still wake up wondering, is this it? And if the best years are yet to come, when's that going to start? Join me on my so-called midlife, my new podcast with Lemonada Media, where we're building

a playbook for navigating midlife, one episode at a time. Each week, I'll chat with extraordinary guests who've transformed their midlife crisis into opportunities for growth and newfound purpose. At some point, we all ask ourselves, is there more to life? I'm here to discover how to thrive in my second act, right alongside you. My so-called midlife is out now,

wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Coolop Eulisak. And I'm Soojin Park. And we're your aunties on Add to Cart, a podcast all about the things we buy, the things we buy into, and what that says about who we are. We're real life friends who love to talk about what we're adding to cart. Sometimes that means trying the latest snail serum to slather on our faces, or a sweater that screams one third ugly.

That's right, Soo. Each week we dive into honest, oftentimes TMI conversations about what's taking up space in our shopping carts and in our minds, be it products, trends, or something for our auntie book club. We also bring guests on the show and take a peek into their carts because the things a person buys or doesn't says a lot about them.

We like to think of ourselves as aunties to all, fun, slightly unhinged, and always ready to share some sage advice and a good product wreck. Add to Cart is out now wherever you get your podcasts. Freedom! Yeah, actually, why am I yelling? Feels weird. To be able to yell excitedly? Freedom! No, I think he was right. I went with what Paul did and it was right. You should try it. Try it.

Freedom! Okay. I love it. You did jumping jacks? I'm so excited. You did star jumps! You did star jumps, my dear boy! You did some press ups, some star jumps!

Are star jumps based on the movie Saw? Star jumps, my dear boy. Star jumps. Star jumps, my dear boy. You did some press ups, some star jumps. Are star jumps based on the movie Saw? Star jumps, my dear boy. Star jumps. Star jumps. And they're not based on the movie Star. You can't jump on a saw, it would hurt. If you'd like to jump on a saw. Ow! Go straight up in your butt, crack it up.

Ow! What was that last rhyme? It all. It all. Hi everyone, welcome back to Freedom, I'm Scott. I'm Lauren. I'm Paul, by process of elimination. Yeah.

Why are you looking around suspiciously? Your eyes are darting. No, I'm the same Paul, I'm not somebody who's inhabiting his body. Okay. Okay, yeah, I'll take your word. Yes, my best friends. Yeah.

Sure, we don't usually say that. It's just implicit, but it's nice to hear. I do like hearing it out of the mouth of babes. You are a babe, by the way. I love when a babe calls me her best friend. Paul, you're a total 10. Has anyone ever told you that? Thank you.

You're the whole package. What area of the country though? I was gonna say, LA. LA. LA. I'm an LA 10? Yeah. That's exciting.? LA. LA. LA. I'm an LA 10? Yeah. That's exciting.

With an Oakland booty. He's got those thick Oakland cheeks. What about Blake Lively? She got in trouble for posting, when she was pregnant, she posted a picture of herself when she had put on some pregnancy weight. There was a picture from behind and she posted on Instagram, LA Face, Oakland Booty.

And then people were like, that's not for you to say. This doesn't apply to you. Do you think Justin included that in his suit? Yeah, oh my gosh. I think some- You mean the actor who plays Ryle? I have to watch that. Should we all get together to watch that? Oh, absolutely. What a fun movie to watch that. Should we all get together to watch that?

Oh, absolutely. What a fun movie to watch together. Some people should have people controlling their Instagram and I actually learned about, I'm not going to reveal anything, but I learned about a person, obviously you do that. Which we appreciate. We don't say it enough. It's a full-time job. We really do.

It's a full-time job. And yeah, you've been slacking last few weeks actually. I haven't posted anything. I'm so sorry. Yeah, what's about, what's about? What's about, what's about? What's about, what's about? What's about that, that, that?

What's about that, that, that, that, that? I just learned recently that a 40 something gay man controls the Instagram of a TV actress who you would think doesn't even need Instagram. It was like an interesting, I was like, he's DMing people. So I just find this interesting you know it's not always... It kind of blew my mind even though I know that's obvious that people have social media. So you thought you were having an affair with this person? Yeah. Turns out it was some 40 year old gay guy.

Is it Florence Henderson? Yep. And you'd think she doesn't even need Instagram. However, she's very present. She's still with us, right, Florence Henderson? God, I hope so. Well done. Yeah, please look it up. Please look it up, Lauren. Look it up.

Look it up, Lauren. Look it up. It's Florence Henderson. She passed in 2016. Oh no. That's two, the statute of limitations has expired by now. Right after the- So she's alive again.

Yeah. Yeah. She was a very beautiful woman. For not knowing if she's dead or not. She was. She was a beautiful woman. Yeah. She was a very beautiful woman.

Not enough Florence's in the world. No. Not enough machines. Flow from progressive insurance, you gotta assume it's short for Florence. We got to run down the famous, famous Florence's. Yep. Okay.

You got Florence Henderson, you got flow from Progressive. But what if it's short for F-L-O-W like a flood because it's insurance. So it's just, they just knock off. So one letter. No, two letters, O-D. Flow is short for flow. Oh, fluid. Flood.

Flood insurance. Flood insurance. I thought you said F-L-O- Flo. Oh, Flood. Flood. Flood insurance. Flood insurance. I thought you said F L O W. I did say that. She knocks off insurance too, cause her real name is Flood Insurance. Hi, I'm Flood Insurance. Hi, my name is Flood Insurance.

You can call me Flo. Florence Pugh. Oh yeah. Florence and the Machine. Florence Nightingale. Flo. Florence Foster Jenkins. Did you already say that?

Florence Nightingale, no I did not. But now I've said it after you said it. Flo from TV, right? Flo from Alice, yeah. Yeah, Kiss My Grits, it's an entrance. Flo Rida. Flo Rida! Yes, Florence Rida.

Florence Rida. I almost said Florida Evans from Good Times, but she's of course a Floridan, not a Florence. That's a fun name. Yeah. Um, I just learned of a child named Supernova and I thought I actually sort of like it. Yeah, why not? What are we stodgy traditionalists?

I'm not somebody who minds a weird name across the board. I don't like that one though. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I think it's okay. I actually went, I sort of, sort of does something for, I sort of went, hey, that's kind of cool. That's kind of cool. She's got ribs.

My son, dwarf giant. Well, we were talking about pilot inspector because you do always remember that. And I was like, did they make a news bulletin about, why do we all know that? Why do we all know that? Who was pilot inspector again? It's, I guess, I think it's Jason Lee's child.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. The child named pilot inspector. He's probably 20 right now. I don't even know. Probably, he's probably dead. No! Come on. He's probably died of old age.

Old age? Yes! I wanna feel old pilot inspector is dead of old age. Well, we're back. We took a week off. Yeah, we did. Should we talk about this? I think we should. Let's talk about it all.

Yeah. Let's talk about everything that happened. We have a lot to catch up on. We have not recorded an episode since before Christmas. BC. In our time. Yes. We've been putting them out, but we pre-recorded a bunch before Christmas. Then we turned around and walked away without saying a word to each other.

Did we even see each other after the Tam dinner? Well, I actually saw Scott. I saw you at my show. And then you and I did. And I said, how was your Christmas? And you said, let's talk about it on the show. And I was like, so I can't even ask how was your Tristmas without hearing, we'll talk about it on my show.

Are you guys still doing Tristmas where you have Tris? Yes. I wrote this down. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. So I can't even ask how was your Tristmas without hearing, we'll talk about it on mic.

Are you guys still doing Tristmas where you have Trists? Yes, everyone puts their keys in a fistful. It's pretty exciting. I would say that there were two big news stories at Christmas. One I can talk about with you personally and I should have just talked with you about it. The number one story. No, I don't even get to know what it was. Meaning one I didn't want to talk about on mic.

Over Christmas, the number one story of course, Mary's boy child Jesus Christ was born. Mary's boy child. Mary's boy child Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day. Well, the other big news that happened was Santa came to everyone's house and delivered presents. Yeah, those are the two big stories. Those were things that happened.

But do I talk about Christmas before we talk about like our general? We should talk about what's going on now and then we should go back to Christmas. Let's do a memento style. Yeah. Yeah. Pulp fiction style. Was that from back to front or just out of order? It was just out of order. Memento was back to front. Memento's back to front as well as.

They shot back for front. Yes. Any time you see anyone's front. Anytime you see a pussy at the butt. It's actually someone's back. Lauren. That's what you just said. That's what you're bringing into this view here. That's what you just said.

That is not what I just said. You're twisting my words. Eh? Ha ha ha. Eh? What if that was your defense in court? Eh? Eh?

Eh? I'm like, I'm the- Case dismissed. Tum tum. The, what would you call that? The ambivalent lawyer? Oh my God. Eh? Eh? Eh? I'm like, I'm the- Case dismissed! Chonk, chonk! The, what would you call that? The ambivalent lawyer? Oh my God. Eh?

I wouldn't call it that. I wouldn't either. But I wanted to think of something. I just did a gavel sound when I was imitating the judge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it went chonk, chonk, and I thought, wait a minute, is that what law and order theme song is supposed to be a gavel going chonk, chonk?

I always assumed it was like prison bars closing. Chong chong. Hey, welcome to prison. Chong chong. Yeah, but they open and close a lot throughout the day. They do. Well, people are getting arrested all the time. No, because they get to have lunch.

Lunch chong chong. They let them out for lunch? Don't they? We're gonna get lunch outside today. If you're in jail. Are you allowed to eat your lunch? No, you go to your little cell and then you go into the eating hall. Are you allowed to eat lunch in your cell if you want to?

Like take it back to your cell. If you're just like, if you're introverted? Yeah. Oh man, an introvert in prison. I hate it when it's like this forced get to know you seating. And then I have to, yeah, it's like shared tables. Yeah. Nah. But you can, I think you can pick your own seats in prison.

Can you pick your friends' notes? I think so, unless you pick the wrong seat. That happens all the time. And then you suddenly are on the wrong side of the table. Honestly, anytime they depict in any sort of movie or TV show, guy's first day in prison and he goes into the chow hall and he's got his tray and he's looking for a place to sit. It's some of the most nerve wracking things.

Wouldn't you just sit by yourself and let them come to you? That's what I would do. I would play it cool. They'll definitely come to you. You might not like what happens next. I think you have to make a strong choice off the bat. I think if I were sent to prison and people tried to get me, why do you hope that? Well, for all your crimes. Why do you hope that? Well, I just feel your crimes. I thought you guys supported my crimes. It's gonna catch up to you.

And I won't be waiting around to see what happens next. I'll come visit you on the weekends. Jesus Christ. What a thing to say. We didn't do anything. Here's what, still now I know. Now I guess I won't commit those crimes. I already told you, if you were a really bad person I would never talk to you.

There's no part of me that would try to figure it out with you. You wouldn't defend me on Blue Sky? No. If I were in prison and they tried to do stuff with me, they tried to make me do things that I didn't want to do, I would say no thank you because I bet nobody ever says that. Oh yeah, because usually they're just like, I'll fucking kill you. I'll kill them with kindness. So the guards come up to you and say like, do this, do that.

What are you going to do if I don't put me in prison? Right. Yes, the guards I'm worried about. As a former CO. Yeah, that's right. Oh, that's right. You were recognized on tour in a subway. Don't call me baby if you can't return my text. My famous quotes that was mean.

I was choked, of course, as a CEO. I was choked by an inmate. I was choked, of course, as a CEO. Why were you not on that show in the later seasons? Were you choked to death? I wasn't choked to death. I was firedoked by an inmate. I was choked, of course, as you see. Why were you not on that show in the later seasons? Were you choked to death? I wasn't choked to death, I was fired by my boss. The worst person to fire you. Yes, and the only one who can.

You were fired on screen? Yes, and off screen I was let go. They said, we want to make this as close to art as possible. I would offer them another, uh, another option. If they said, uh, I'm going to, uh, you're going to be my sex bitch. Right. Right. Sex bitch. That's almost, I mean, that's my, it's almost hot. Yeah, it is. It's almost, it's almost like a baby girl kind of thing.

I watched that movie. You gotta watch that movie. It's almost hot. That's my term. Yeah, it is. It's almost like a baby girl kind of thing. I gotta watch that movie. You gotta watch that movie. It's dirty. It's a dirty movie. I would say, or I could be your best friend. Yeah. I could be your best friend.

And I will keep all your secrets. Yes, and you can tell me everything. I will be a sounding board if you're feeling blue. Yeah. This is a good plan. Thank you. By the way, what you should have done on Orange is the new black, by the way, is what you should have done, is done what Joey Pants did in Fugitive and just refused to be fired. And basically when they're filming the scene, when you get fired, you go,

No, actually, I'm staying here. You can't fire me. That would have been awesome. This really stuck in your brain. You've referenced this a lot. I love it. What is this from? Well, in The Fugitive Joy, Pantaleano. Oh right, I've heard of this. Pantaleano.

Probably from you. Decided that he wasn't gonna be killed because he wanted to be in a sequel, and everyone's like, there's never gonna be a sequel to this. Turns out there was, and he was right. And was he in it? He was in it, yep.

And Marshalls. And first of all, he gave himself a name when he didn't have one. Made every other character call him that on screen constantly. And then he also weaseled his way into every scene. Even if the blocking, his back was to camera, he would just kind of turn around.

And then Harrison Ford is supposed to throw a big, huge fire extinguisher at his face, which is supposed to kill him or something or someone is. No, the villain is. Right. And the one our man does. And he gets it thrown in his face and he falls on the ground and goes, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

And the director's like, hey, you're supposed to be dead. And he goes, no, no, no, I'm alive. I want to be in the sequel. So he just goes, ow, ow, ow, I'm alive. I want to be in the sequel. So he just goes, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Who directed this movie again? Ah, I can't remember. A bit of a pushover.

That just, yes, absolutely. Just letting Joey Pants run all over him. How did this like spineless worm direct this gigantic movie? Joey Pants? That's what people call him. That's his nickname. Is his character name?

His nickname is Joey Pants. And what's his real name? His real name is Joseph Pantelonis? Joseph Panteliano. Panteliano. That was close. From The Sopranos. You were so close. It's a Joseph Pantelonis.

So look, we got- He's Italian, not Spanish. We gotta get to it. And that's where I made a mistake. We gotta get to it. This can't be like when I announced that I had a baby on the show. 45 minutes in.

Why can't it? We have to just, we have to just get to the point where we're like, I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. This can't be like when I announced that I had a baby on the show. 45 minutes in. Why can't it?

We have to just put people's minds at ease. Yeah, we're all safe. The fires continue. What if they were still wandering by this point? Are they okay? We're not okay. Well, mentally we're not, but they knew that. Yeah, I mean, I had to evacuate due to smoke and it was very-

Not the good kind. No, and it was really concerning and scary, especially with two little kids and the sky was black. And then we drove for miles and finally it was blue. And then Holly was like, I like when the sky is blue. And we're like, yeah. She said, I like when the sky's blue. And we were like, yeah. Yeah. No, she said I like when the sky's blue.

Wow. It was really bad. Same girl. And then we went, so we spent the last 10 days kind of being nomadic and we went to Las Vegas to stay with a family friend and then we went to Palm Springs for, we got an Airbnb. Now you went to Vegas because if you were saying,

if we lose our house, we can just gamble. Yeah. And make money. Yeah, and I knew immediately that would be a good way to get money. Yeah. Well, before it burned up too, like you're on the phone, like, is it about to burn up?

Like you bet your house. Yeah. You know, and then if you lose, so what? It's burned up. Yeah. I feel so sad. If you win, you have two houses. I can't even joke, honestly, I feel so sad. If you win, you have two houses. I can't even joke.

Honestly, I feel so sad for everyone. And I could cry right now. And I've just been very sad. It's affected a lot of people we know personally. Yeah. And I just don't, I can't believe it's real. And that's my update. Yes.

That is a great way to put it, because the whole time it was happening, it did feel, especially for those of us who were, who were near the fires and just kind of waiting for it to like come get us. Yeah. It did have, it had a very, it had a scary, unreal quality to it of like, is this, is this truly going to happen? And like really no one can stop this.

So these people I know, they they just their house is just gone Yeah, and then getting the updates throughout the day of like oh so and so else your house. Yeah Yeah, so many people really upsetting. I mean, obviously it goes without saying but I mean my friend Rick's all of his houses are good And his shopping center and stuff, but um, who's that my friend Rick Russo? How can private firefighters? That can't be a thing. What the fuck? There's a whole article also.

I saw that. No, I mean, that's just terrible. It's awful. And then didn't his daughter's home come close or something happen? I don't know anything about his daughter. I just know my friend Rick. That like there was a family concern with a fire that then wasn't being helped by the private firefighters, but then they were saving the shot.

They're also in the way of the regular firefighter. That's what they talk about in the article is they say like, these people don't know what they're doing. Like they're used to- It's a task rabbit. Well, they're used to- It's a what? Oh, task rabbit.

They said cash, ask rabbit. Cash rabbit. Cash rabbit. But they're used to- That's why they called it that. They're used to fighting, they're used to cash grab it. Cash grab it. Cash grab it. That's why they called it that. They're used to fighting, they're used to fighting forest fires and instead this is a residential fire

and there's totally different techniques and stuff you have to do. And so they're just like in the way of everyone. But it's also private firefighters are using the same resource, water. Water. That the public firefighters are supposed to use. And guess what?

It ran out. Anyway, but. Anyway, that mall is safe. Yes, thank you. In the Palisades. There's no one who will ever be able to shop there, but. That's right. Oh, there was a Palisades mall that survived?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. In any case, Lauren had to take off for about 10 days. Is that right? Yeah. I took off for five or six. We, we and our family, it was not only us and our two dogs, which is the major issue,

but also Cool Up's sister and her dog, we were all together. That's three dogs. Yeah, and her boyfriend and so it was- That's one boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah, boyfriends bark a lot. It was a three dog, one boyfriend situation.

It takes them a long time to settle down. Yeah, new place, yeah. New place, they go crazy. So it was a... Scratching at the door. A huge... No, that's really hard. It's hard to call it a hassle

since so many people had it worse, but... Well, it affected everybody in some way or another. Yes. Well, and it's also, it's not even so much the inconvenience of being somewhere different. It is the tension and the fear and anxiety. No, because Tuesday when it was all going down at first, it was like, okay.

Yes. It was all first or DM saying there's a big fire. People just fire emojis. You'll know what this means very soon. And so then going to bed, I remember on Tuesday, like we were texting a lot and going to bed Tuesday. And then basically I woke up at 4 a.m. and like, I just wanted to be up in case anyone needed me. You know what I mean? So like.

It smelled like smoke so much at like 2 a.m. in my house. Yeah. And also just if anyone needed to come over to our place. Yeah. Oh yeah. You were my backup plan. Yes. Yeah. In life and with the fires. Wow. Yeah. I didn't know this guys.

This should be a movie. So just like I'm operating on very little sleep, just kind of going like, are we gonna have to, we had bags packed and everything, like are we gonna have to get out of here? And then, or are people gonna come over here? Cause also Brett, we were saying to Brett if you need to come over here? Because also, Brad, we were saying to Brad, if you need to come over here as well. So then you took off pretty early in the morning.

We went to my friend's house in Van Nuys where it was much better and there was no, I mean, smell a little smoke, but it was, the sky was clear and whatever. So we were there for one night and then went to Vegas the next day. But when we all kind of realized we should all leave. We were on Wednesday, all of Wednesday, Cool Up is saying to me, at what point does the air quality get so bad that we leave and go to Palm Springs? And I was kind of like, well, we have air purifiers in every room. We have a generator. Like, this is actually the best place for us if the fires aren't.

Because it's such a problem to get everything. And then I started to slowly realize she just wanted to go to Palm Springs. Yeah. Because all of her friends were in Palm Springs. And so then at 7 p.m. when the Runyon Canyon fire started, we look out our window and we see it, because we can see Runyon Canyon from our window we look out our window and we see it, cause we can see Runyon Canyon

from our window and it's just gigantic fires. And she goes, we're leaving. Our experience was bags packed by the door, every day wondering should we go? Janie was having a really hard time trying to, she was just fucking rattled. And like she would ping pong back and forth between wanting to leave and wanting to stay.

I really wanted to stay because it wasn't that close yet. And I felt like let's do that when we absolutely have to. And the air quality was not that bad where we were after the first couple of days. That first day, the first morning was so eerie and creepy and the air was just yellow and the sun was orange. And then gradually it cleared up and the winds were, we were really worried about the winds. And so we just kind of stayed, stayed, stayed. And then finally the wind stopped

and they were able to contain, you know, a significant amount of the fire. And we, and then eventually we were finally, the red flag was lifted from our area. And that sense of relief- You lifted it by the way, you took it out and yeah. Please don't tell Tania. We're still in a lot of danger. But there was a feeling

you know that whole week of like the entire city's gonna burn down. Well because it was so shocking that that happened on both sides of the city at the same time that you that there is no rhyme or reason to it and then when running Canyon happened then it's like now it's in the middle so it was just like it's anywhere and everywhere and it. And then when running Canyon happened, then it's like, now it's in the middle. So it was just like, it's anywhere and everywhere and it can jump and it can start and it can move and it's moving really fast. People don't have any time to get away. And like, it's so, so scary.

When you're confronted with nature in that way and you realize, oh, there's not, we can't fucking do anything. Yeah. And not only are we like evacuating as in like, okay, so we went to Palm Springs for five or six days. So you're packing for that, but you're also packing up all of your belongings,

like all of your like important belongings. I brought my grandmother's portrait. So we were driving around with that in the car, which was like- I brought my copy of your grandmother's portrait. Why do you have that? But like, I think that's another layer of it, like when you're unpacking at the next place

and then like you have like your passports and your birth certificates and you're like, this is crazy. It's like you have all of your important belongings there in a hotel room or Airbnb with you, like this is the stuff I need to save. Which is also, it makes you then think about your stuff differently and it's-

Oh my God. When we were packing bags, I was just like looking around, like we had documents and shit like that. Some of that stuff is already in storage, so it wasn't on the premises, which is good. But I was looking around like, what do I take from here? I was feeling simultaneously, I have too much shit,

and also none of this is important. Yeah. This is all nonsense. I think the thing that makes me really sad. I want to leave. What were you going to say? Well, I would say the one thing that I was really on the fence about was I have, like in the closet over there, a bunch of hard drives of like every show that we've. Wow. These are the these are the hard drives.

I don't know that. and this is like every episode of the Bang Bang TV show and every bonus thing that we ever put, you know, all the bonus material that I paid for and all that kind of stuff. And I don't know that anyone else, I don't know for sure that anyone else has copies. So I'm just like, but it's way too much to put into a car. So I was just like, you know what?

I'm just gonna leave it. Yeah. I know, I think about that with all the people who lost their homes, that like people who are artists or people who have work that they've spent years on. And also just of course your photos and any little thing you have, you start to look around and go like,

this is meaningful to me actually, because I bought this plate when I did this, when I moved to LA or whatever. You have like some meaning to attach to all the little things and it's very devastating to not have that. I feel so. But we only took stuff that was like,

this would feel just like an incredible devastating loss to not have this anymore. Everything else was just like, oh yeah, I would feel shitty that this was gone, but not. That's a good joke. What? Come on, make your joke. The women's panties you've ordered online.

Yeah, of course. Famous people. Famous people. Famous people. Who famous is giving away their panties? It's not real, you're duped, you're tricked. Oh, it's not real, Scott. So sorry, you can't actually do it.

It's a very layered joke. No, I mean, they're tricking you. It's people as guys on eBay who sell it. No, is this true? No, probably. I bet it is, right? I'm sure. Wow.

But I like the idea that Scott has a large collection. He's like, I'll be a gem of state, but my daddy's. It's on the dark web. All right, we have to take a break. Get Florence Henderson's underpants. But suffice it to say, we're all safe at least, and our places didn't burn down.

And we're back to recording. We're back on our bullshit. We're back on our bullshit. We have to take a break, but when we come back, let's talk about Christmas, because I have a story I want to save for this, obviously, Lauren. And do you guys have stuff that you want to talk about?

Gladly talk about Christmas. I would like to talk about this Polaroid I have. It's a picture of Joe Pantoliano and it says, this is Teddy, don't believe his lies. And you took that with you when you escaped? Yes. Yes. I took all my Polaroids with my cryptic notes. All right. We'll be right back. I hate to break it to you, but 2025 is here and it's all going great so far.

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Wow, that genuinely startled me. You being startled startled me. That welcome to me. This is a startle chain. This, Janey and I do this all the time, all fucking day long. Just startle each other and get startled by the startling. Yes. And then that startles and then anger.

Then it starts receiving resentment. The mice in our walls, they get angry at each other. All right. So we got to talk about the holidays. I know this. We simply have to. in our walls. They get angry at each other. All right. So we got to talk about the holidays. I know this simply have to. This is it's late January at this point, but we have not caught up about holidays. Lauren, what happened? What happened for me? I had a wonderful holiday. It was really great.

I hosted my family for the first time in LA at Christmas. And I was excited to host because now I feel like I'm, you know, taking on the roles of, my mom always did a great job making everything very magical and then I got to do that a bit myself. And that was really nice. And Santa came and brought us so many presents. Santa Claus.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. No, yeah, there's that other guy that we're close to. No, he's was it wasn't that Santa Gold. Santa Gold. Yeah, he didn't bring us anything. Santa Claus brought us a lot of presents and the kids were really excited. It was actually very it was like Holly's first year really getting excited about Santa and then really like, you first year really getting excited about Santa and then really like, you know, putting all the pieces together and loving it. And that was really fun.

And we did, we went to Disconso Garden, the Enchanted Light show, which was lovely. Because usually in Chicago, we do one of those things, but it's ice cold. So we're all frigid and complaining. And it's nice weather here. So we're all too. Yeah. and it's nice weather here so we're all too frigid yeah yeah sexual tight wound tightly wound yeah I got it okay what am I him are you me wait are you me and that way you know that's all who are you I'm Scott okay Okay, wow.

Everyone left before New Year's, then we had a little New Year's at home with the girls, and it was very sweet and cute and just a regular. Did they stay up? We just did it, we rang in the New Year at like, you know, seven or eight. Gigi doesn't know shit about what's going on. She doesn't know what day it is today.

She doesn't have any. Do you know what time is even? I remember when I was a kid, there were clocks everywhere, so you sort of were like. You have said this before, you have no clocks. I have clocks everywhere. I love clocks. Yeah.

I have a clock in every room. Hate them. I have a clock in almost every room. We don't have a clock in the kitchen. I don't have a clock. But we do have the microwave in the stove. Well, you do have a clock. I don't have a clock in the dining room.

Well, I actually do have a clock in the dining room that says, it's a piece of art that says now at every number place. It just says the word now, and then it has a second hand that ticks to every. That's scary. It keeps you in the moment. It's scary, I don't know. It's a head trip.

It's a head trip. I don't like. I love. Our dining room is almost our living room. So we don't count that as a room. But it has a table and is a separate. Yes, we have. It's a separate idea.

Yes, our designing room basically is the table that separates the kitchen from the living room. And I could get a clock in there, I bet. You could weasel one in there. You could put one into the table and the face of the table and have it face up under your plate. So if you're having a boring meal you're like, hmm.

But it's so obvious. Is it more obvious looking at your watch shoving a plate aside? Paul, what happened to you on Christmas? Did Santa come? Here's what happened. We, Janie and I went to South Carolina as we do, to spend Christmas with her mommy. And we had a very nice chill time. It was just the three of us because Janie's brother's wife, our sister-in-law, she fucking twisted her ankle on Christmas Eve.

They were gonna come the day after Christmas. And so, could not fly. And so, it was just the three of us. And it was very, for me, very restful, relaxing time. Obviously, Janie and her mom, our family, that's a different thing. Of course they get along, of course they love each other, but family's family, baby.

There's no way around it. But it's not like going on vacation with, you know. Friend. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I had a great, I slept so much. That's what I wish for in my future.

And I don't see it at all coming for me, but I want it. Well, you chose to have those two kids. Yeah, that's true. It's true, I'll sleep in five years. The luxury of not having to set an alarm is like that to me is the most luxurious thing. Well then you should have a kid. Yeah. Enjoy it.

I haven't had to set an alarm because I'm up at 545. What do you know? I forgot, there was something online I was complaining about whatever on blue sky or something like that. You complaining on blue sky? That's not like you. Are you okay? or is this the pod person cry for help? the two of you are fresh as paint

I haven't heard that one. You heard that no It's a good one and I like fresh paint bold as brass Have you ever that one? No, it's brass. Yes, it's brass bold. It should be you should shine it And if you tell me not going to you're being fresh as paint Have you ever heard that one? No. Bold as brass, yes. Is brass bold? It should be, you should shine it. Okay. And if you tell me you're not going to, you're being fresh as paint. I was something like that was inconvenient or whatever, and somebody said, try having kids and blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, no. Yeah, I've already made that decision. And it's going great. Yeah, but there were two things that were not related. I don't like when people do that. I don't, yeah. If you think that's bad, try this, try my situation, which I chose.

And it's unrelated. Yeah, and it's unrelated. It's like, well, you had to do this. Sure, other things are bad. You chose to do this thing that I didn't choose to because I wanted an easier life. Yeah. And you know what?

It's working out. Yeah. It must be nice, It's working out. Yeah. It must be nice. And I mean that very sincerely. I love having kids, but I think, you know, you get to do whatever you want all the time. I have to say that the, when our first dog, Rocky, of course, our beloved Rocky passed away,

there was two months where I was just like, I feel like I was like an insane asylum patient. Why did I have a dog? I've never heard you express it that way before. It just, I could do whatever I wanted. I never had to like be stressing about it. Gotta get back by 11.30 for the morning walk or whatever. And it was just glorious.

And then we got two more. And it was like, and now it's just like bringing them to Palm Springs was a fucking nightmare. Cause they are notoriously the odd couple. One is sloppy, one is neat. I had to put a tape down the middle of their crate. Okay, so here's, first of all, for Christmas for Santa, a little Santa update.

Oh, good. Emmy was really into the cookies and milk part of it. Did not really care for the idea of Santa leaving her a gift. Actually, Holly was nervous about him being in the house. Oh, that was fine. And I said, he'll never see him. He only continued sleeping. And I thought, well, that's actually weirder. That sounds scary. And then I said, he'll put them outside and we'll bring them inside. Oh, that was fine. And I said, he'll never see him. He only continues sleeping. And I thought, well, that's actually weirder.

That sounds scary. And then I said, he'll put them outside and we'll bring them inside. Oh, okay. But Emmy, we were like, look, look, Santa brought you a scooter and a helmet. And she was like, no, no, no, that's his. Oh.

That's his. And she's not been on it. She won't accept it. She now accepts that it's her scooter. I think she doesn't like the helmet aspect of it. We keep like pointing out people with helmets saying, oh, what a big girl, they're wearing a helmet. They're doing that to protect their head.

She doesn't wanna mess up her hair. Yeah, she has gorgeous hair. She has a great ponytail. You should show her a picture, like a scale picture of her next to Santa Claus and say, look, this would never fit him. Right. It. Obviously yours. No, it was so funny because I was videoing it on my phone and the reaction was so not what Cool Up

wanted that she waved the phone off at one point. It was just like, all right, turn it off. We don't want this on film. We don't want a record of this. She's like, okay, we're not getting it. So just. No, that's so funny to have though. Years from now to look at them, that's so fucking funny. She brings a date home and like, get a load of this video.

She didn't want a fucking scooter. Okay, so here's- This idiot thought that Santa left his own scooter at our house. It's for you, dear. Dear. So here's the major news headline from Christmas. So we have, on Christmas and Thanksgiving,

we have a collection of not only family, but friends come over. And it's usually the same group of people, but some people rotate in and out and it's nice. So it's about 15 to 20 people every time. So one of the friends, I'll even go as far as to say Cool Up's friends. We said to everyone, please no gifts.

We're gonna get you something, but we just don't wanna, and please don't bring Emmy more than one thing. I know it's very tempting, but you just can't mentally process a million gifts. That's right. You will always feel indebted to us. Yes.

This will be hanging over your head for the rest of your life. But if you really want, you know, to give us something, please keep it under $20. And so this, one of Cool Up's friends got everyone a fish, a live fish. Are you fucking kidding me? Unfortunately, it's not a good present in case they're listening. And, um, I, I feel like I had, I had mentally gone over what would ever happen

if anyone did this to me, meaning get me a live like a puppy or something like this. And so I was ready for it. I was almost like it was like you only have one shot and I was ready like mentally. So I raised my hand to say like, no, we're not going to accept that. And Coolop shot me down. And she didn't want you to be rude. I think it's a lout thing as well, you know,

of like refusing a gift. Oh. So then the entire, by the way, she got the fish two days earlier and hadn't thought to feed the fish or anything. Oh no. Just was like, it was a fun, quirky gift that she was gonna give people and hadn't thought,

didn't give us any fish food or anything. So this person was waiting in their home with a dozen starving fish. In bags? Yeah, in bags? Yeah. Like carnival style? No, no, in like almost plastic containers or whatever. How close to plastic? Like almost 99.9%. It was part cloth. So the entire, after everyone left, I said to Cool Up, we are not keeping that fish. I had a fish when I was young. It was a nightmare. I don't like it.

And so the entire- The fish was a nightmare. The entire next day became every- We had some fish when I was a kid. But I don't recall the cleaning the tank. All that stuff seemed really annoying. Yeah, but the entire next day became everyone who received a fish figuring out what to do with their fish

because no one wanted it. Naturally. I have a solution. Yeah. And this is great because you keep the fish, but also the fish may not be a problem anymore. You let the fish live in the toilet. Yes.

And sink or swim. Whatever happens, happens. Yes, you let the fish live in the toilet. Yes. And sink or swim. Whatever happens, happens. Yes, survival of the fittest. Maybe. Or maybe you just never use that toilet again and you bring fish food every day and you let that be the fish's bowl. There you go.

But I was saying, we need less living beings in this house. I'm willing to volunteer. Yeah. And. You offered yourself a tribute. Yes. But so, so the next day, basically our housekeeper came over who has fish and we were like, do you want this fish?

She's like, yay. And so that was us off the board. Well, that's good. And then we called Cool Up's sister and we're like, bring your fish over. And so she took that fish. Cause I guess if they're, maybe they all get along. You have to keep saying to the, to the housekeeper, you forgot to take the fish again. I could have sworn I did.

But so then other people like start calling pet stores and one person found a pet store who would take it. And then another person called a pet store and they said, no, we will not take this. And so he went to a different pet store with it in his jacket and then put it on the counter. Like leaving a baby at the fire station. Oh my God. And then walked to the pet store.

Put it on the counter. That's crazy. OK, now I have to put it on the shelf. The shelf, like with the other fish. I have to ask, I'm picturing a goldfish, of course, but what kind of fish were these? I can't remember. I don't remember. But it was not a goldfish. Was, but what kind of fish were these? I can't remember. But it was not a goldfish.

Was it a special looking fish? No, no, no. No, it was a cheap fish. I think it was based on an inside joke between everyone or something. Okay, great. And the person had just not given any thought to like the care that.

I'm gonna say to anything. Yeah, to anything. And so everyone thought. Bless the baby. Bless you. Everyone thought this person was anything. Yeah, to anything. And so everyone thought- Bless the baby. Bless you. Everyone thought this person was insane. Yeah, I do. And so I wanted to open that up.

So you guys think that's insane. I find it fascinating that someone just left it at the pet store like that. Like it's like a different kind of container and it's next to the fish tanks. And they're just like, eh. I want to, okay. So when we're off, Mike,

I would like to ask who did that. And then I would like to guess who left the fish at the pet store. Okay, so when we're off mic, I would like to ask who did that. And then I would like to guess who left the fish at the pet store. Okay, great. So I think I have a pretty good guess. I'm fascinated and I do think, one year my dad gave my mom a Dalmatian for Christmas. Oof.

And- Had she been wanting it? No. Okay. I need to, you know what? Next time I see them, I'm going to ask for the backstory on this. We've talked about it before, but I remember I can see the pictures in my mind from that day.

And he, our house was not that large and the Dalmatian is swinging the tail and whacking everything. Dalmatians are very jittery. They need a lot of walking. My dad had to take him for runs every day because he really had to get a workout. And he didn't stay with us very long. He did move to a farm.

And I remember I asked my parents as an adult did he really go to a farm and they were like, actually, yeah. Because their friend had a farm. That was of course my first question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when I grew up I was like, oh, that's what you say when you...

Oh. And no, but he really did. But it was a crazy gift and yeah. Now that you're even older though, now do you ask them again? Like, okay, now really, did they move to the farm? Now tell me.

I won't ask them again because I don't want to hear the truth. No, they didn't. But my dad has learned to give my mom a purse instead of that. Although I have learned never to give my mom a purse instead of that I I have learned never to buy cool up a purse because she the ones I bought she looked at was scorned No, it's it's really tough to pick out a purse

But if you either have a daughter who can tell you which purse to get yeah, I mean can eventually do for you I never bought Janie a purse. Yeah, never bought Janie a purse Come on. Come on. Not your best. Yeah. Not your best. Close your best. Mike bought me a purse for my birthday, but it was recommended by my friend

who has really great taste. Yes. And it was a very trendy purse. I would never use it and I did return it. And I felt bad, but I was like, I can't keep this because I know I'll never use it. And then it's gonna be the type of thing that I never. Exactly. It had a big open top, which I, you know, I have to,

it's that kind of person, I feel like everything is gonna fall out of it all the time. So. Yeah, well, you don't want that. No. I will get Janie jewelry, like a necklace or something like that. You'll get Janie jewelry.

Well, did you get her a gun? Well, she got one. I bought Janie a gun. I bought Jan her a gun? Well she got one. I bought Janie a gun. I bought Janie a gun. It answers the question. Janie's got a gun. Well who bought it for her? I bought Janie a gun. They don't do answer songs anymore.

They don't even ask questions. No one ever wondered. Who put the bomb in the box? I put the bomb in the box. Wait, like who put the bomb? Who gave you? I put the bop in the box. Who ever said who gave it to her? I let the dogs out. I let the dogs out. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Sorry. And the body was jumping. But I've had good luck with that. I bought her, I famously bought her a coat one year that was a huge, that is my greatest. Huge hit? Greatest gift that I've ever had. She still has it, it's this Navy blue,

it's like a nautical overcoat. I think I've seen this. Yes, you've seen it, it's gorgeous. Nice job, nice job. It looks great on her, that was my number one of all time. Still chasing that high. Yeah, I don't know that I've ever really hit that with like a clothing item as a gift.

I mean, I've given things people enjoy, but not like that. Yeah, she's mad because every year, because I'm very hard to shop for. And because I will just buy my own. Just buy you a Mercedes. You know, men though, it's like, why are all men's gift guides like the same four things? Oh yeah.

It's like whiskey ice. It's a little mustache cone. An engraved flash. Yeah, like whiskey, ice. It's a little mustache cone. An engraved flash. Yeah, like whiskey, ice maker, you know, like big balls. Ice maker. Whatever you call it, like ice tray. Absolutely, yes, yes, yes. But I'm like, do they think nobody's interesting?

Yeah, exactly. Like, can't you just put like something cool? Exactly. Just put something cool. I feel like I have to say from now on, you could, oh, her dad has a great rule. It's like, if I can't eat it or drink it, don't get it for me. You know what I do? I'm starting to think that is, that's my favorite kind of gift to give an older person, especially because it starts to feel like you can't have too many chachkis.

Yeah. Anything else is too specific. They might already have it. Like an edible or drinkable thing. Or like a bath bomb or like bath salts. Or like, yeah. Or a gift card to like get a massage or manicure or something. I beg your pardon? Edible, drinkable, shittable. Yeah, okay, that's right. I only give shittable gifts.

Shittable. If you won't be shitting this out later, I'm not giving it to you. It's something shittable. All right, we have to take a break. We've caught up on Christmas, great. Okay. Great. Okay, we did it to you. It's something shittable. All right, we have to take a break. We've caught up on Christmas, great. Okay. Great.

Okay, we're gonna take- We did it, fine. I hope you're happy. We'll be right back. I hope you're happy now. With a three-church. I hope you're happy. I really hope you get it.

And you don't have to regret it. I hope you're happy in the end. I'll be right back. I hope you're happy in the end. I'll be right back. This message is brought to you by Cologuard, a non-invasive colon cancer screening test. Currently colon cancer is the second leading cause of cancer related deaths in the US and it's on the rise in people under age 50. But when caught at early stages, colon cancer is survivable in 90% of people,

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for colonoscopy in high-risk patients. Cologuard test performance in adults ages 45 to 49 is estimated based on a large clinical study of patients 50 and older. False positives and false negatives can occur. Kullegard is available by prescription only. Are you ready to dive into the ultimate pop culture showdown? Join me for Pop Culture Debate Club. I'm your host, Ronald Young Jr. Each week, our panel of trendsetters, critics, and fan favorites clash over the latest in movies, music, TV, and more. Who's right and who's just plain wrong?

That's for me to decide. Check out Pop Culture Debate Club every Thursday, wherever you get your BBC podcasts produced by Luminata and the BBC. And we're back. Yeah. It's time for a three-ture. It is time for a three-ture It is time for a three-cher. No, I don't really know what you guys are talking about. We haven't recorded in so long. I don't know what a three-cher is. I don't either. Oh, you've forgotten, haven't you, my children? Yeah. Let me tell

you the story of a three-cher. A three-cher is a game that we like to play, also known as a Buster. Oh. And this particular Buster. Is it always talking about what it's got but just sits on its broke ass? That's correct. Now I understand. This Buster is called Crazy Pet Return. Keeping it on theme. Yeah.

Crazy Pet Return. It's perfect timing. Now is there a crazier pet return than putting a fish in a bag and then putting the bag on the counter? I don't think so. I don't think so either. I don't know how to top that. Originally submitted by Robert Troost. Troost. Troost. Don't bring me down. Troost. Um. Hope you appreciate that every single time Robert. Yep. And um. Is that really what they say? I think they say say? They say Bruce. They say Bruce.

Don't bring me down, Bruce. But then why do you mean every single time? Because every single time we do this and his name is mentioned, that's what I do. Thank you, and I, for the first time now, know what you're talking about. For the very first time. But I still don't, but is it ELO?

It is ELO, the electric light, oh. I really like ELO. They're great. Yeah. They're really great. So. I would go see that. Jeff Lin of ELO yellow. Oh, you know what if that was at the fucking sphere I would go to that because it was good at the ball, but it Like it should be even it just wasn't like a full sphere like it was like a bowl. It was a ball

But yeah, yeah, it was also like a salad bowl. I wanted to have a top on it. Yeah. Yeah It was also like a salad bowl. I wanted to have a top on it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Top of one. Jenny was trying to get me to see eagles at the sphere and I was like, not enough for me. She's into the eagles.

You came over to my house once and the eagles were playing and she was so excited. She was so excited. She's like, this is a good playlist. It's just eagles. Is that your impression of her? Y'all, I, y'all. Y'all.

Okay. This is a good playlist, y'all. This is a good playlist, y'all. This is a good her? Y'all. Y'all. Okay. This is a good playlist, y'all. This is a good playlist, y'all. This is a good playlist, y'all. Jeff Lin was actually singing Bruce as a joke in advance of an Australian tour, referring to how many Australian guys are called Bruce. It was a temp line, but it eventually had made it in.

There you go. I love to hear why. Coming in at number 11. Don't you miss pop-up video? Don't bring me down. I do. This pop-up video was fun. It you go. I love to hear what's coming in at number 11. Don't you miss pop-up video? Don't bring me down. I do. This pop-up video was fun. It was fun. That was fun. I think more things should pop up. I think we need more pop-ups because now we've kind of weeded them out with the internet and I want more pop-ups. If you're going to rerun a TV show, put pop-ups in there. Yeah. You know what I mean? Any TV show, by the way, could be from three months ago. Yes.

Grey's Anatomy has been in the air for 400 years. Yeah. If they just started it over there like, hey, we're not making any new ones. Let's start it from the beginning, just pop up video. Yeah. It would still be as popular. I would actually probably watch that because I like behind the scenes info. And then maybe Meredith's head coming in, is someone named Meredith.

Yes. Meredith Grey. Yeah, someone popping in and going like, this scene sucks. Oh, like in the- Where she's like, I actually hated doing this one. There was some show where Jim Belushi, not Jim Belushi, I'm so sorry.

Oh, so sorry. Tom Arnold. Oh, the Jim Belushi of Roseanne. It was some sort of clip show. Jim Belushi of Roseanne. There was some show, like a clip show, like a sort of world's funniest disasters or shit like that. You know what I mean? And it would, it featured Tom Arnold popping up in the corner of the screen to like make a little commentary. I can't remember what it

was called, but I remember we talked about it on best week ever. Okay. Wow. Another show that is tangentially related. Exactly. Sort of like Pop-Up Video. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Inception. You know what's not like Pop-Up Video is crazy pet returns.

Yes, this is where somebody is returning a pet and they don't know what the problem is. What the pet, nor the pet. Nor the pet, and they have to guess it through asking questions or et cetera. Yes. From the other two. And so why doesn't Lauren be the person nor the pet and they have to guess it through asking questions or et cetera, from the other two. And so why doesn't Lauren be the person returning the pet?

Why doesn't Lauren be that? Why doesn't I do that? You be the person saying what the pet is and I'll say what's wrong with it. So I'm saying, I'm texting you, I'm sexting you. You're not texting anybody anything. But I'm sexting both of you. No, you sext us, yes.

Okay. Alright, so you just enjoy your little break, honey. La la la la, I'm having a blast. I'm locked out of Instagram, I only get 30 minutes a day. How often do you do that and then not do it? So I'm locked out because, okay, so my New Year's resolution was to do 30 minutes a day. Then the fires, and so Mike set up a password for me and then the fires happened and I said, open up the floodgates, I gotta read about everything with the fires and see everything with the fires.

And then I've now, you know, 10 plus days after the fires have started, I've not continued to look at everything all day because it makes me feel emotionally depleted. Hi. Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry, I was talking to my friend. Oh yeah, are you, can I help you? I just wanna finish. So I get emotionally depleted

so I only am allowed to have 30 minutes of Instagram a day. Okay, all right, cool, I'll talk to you later. You know, they say the customer is always right. The customer is always right. You were wrong when you said that. Fuck you. Oh my God, she's right. Get the fuck out of my store.

She's right, she's the customer. It's not your store, this is my store. My grandpa started this store. Yeah, but then he sold it to my grandpa. He did? Me. Yeah. Oh, when did he do that?

I look good for my age, don't I? You do, how old are you? I'm 100 days away from being 75. That's right, and I'm 12, bitch. Ugh. You look really old. I'm 12, bitch. Ugh. You look very old. I'm very proud of you. Thanks, Gramps.

Well, what do you guys need? I guess it's, I know we need. What do we need? Get the fuck out of our store. Do you know how stores work, honey? Sorry, I got confused. But wait, you just told me you were the customer. I said you're the customer.

No, the customer's always right. What the fuck is wrong with you? I was about to say they say that about the customer being always right, but they're wrong. I thought you're the customer. The customer is always right. What the fuck is wrong with you? I was about to say they say that about the customer being always right but they're wrong. I thought you were defending your self. You know what honey, why don't you get out of here. Let that woman behind you come in. Fine, fuck this place. I thought I owned this place. Bye. Excuse me. Oh hi there, welcome. Please don't call me honey. I'm sorry sweetie. Please, thank you. Hi, I just need to- Welcome to Hotet's pets. I just need to return this pet. Oh, what seems to be the problem? Well, it's got some issues.

Okay, now how long ago did you buy this pet? I bought it three days ago. Three days ago. And already some issues. And I got home and pretty much immediately were starting with some issues. Well this should- Hey, you know another thing I just wanna say-

Okay lady, shut up! Shut out of here! I got a ticket and that's my parking spot. We're starting with some issues. Well, this should be you know another thing I just want to say Got a ticket and that's my parking spot Oh geez Sorry about hi. Yeah, you should really get her arrested or something. I know we don't like to have our customers treated that way Yes, and I am the cups to run. I'm always right. So what's the problem because the climate should be major malfunction Yeah, what is your major malfunction? I do think the climate might be an issue.

No, it's fine right now. The climate's not an issue. Oh, it shouldn't be. I think that the legs are an issue on this creature. Okay, I don't see anything wrong with them. The legs, I mean, I understand how the legs might not function that well. I've counted four legs.

That's strange. But they're actually none. You should have. You should count again. I count zero legs. Oh, that's bad. You need to start counting. I count two legs.

That's correct. Yes. Two legs. Sounds like a clue. It does. But the legs are fine. And it's actually, I recently got new glasses. That must be my double vision and coming into play.

So wait, the new glasses gave you double vision? Yes, they're not good. You should take those back. Maybe you didn't need them. I'm doing a lot of returns today. First the pet, then I'm going over to Warby Parker. Okay, so are you afraid that your pet is not cute enough because of this problem I do worry that he's a little bit scary. Hmm, and that is harsh. His teeth are a little bit not cute

That's very they They're not normally cute teeth. No, they're not known for their cuteness His rashes and scabies that he has That's a you problem. Yeah, it might be those glasses. Oh, you're right. Nothing there. Do you want to maybe go to the glasses store first?

No, I want to do this first. I definitely don't want to keep this little thing. I'm just wondering if you might figure out there's not a problem with. I'm not keeping it. Okay. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. It depends on what we decide.

That's right. Well, he's got a lot of problems emotionally. It depends on what we decide. That's right. Well, he's got a lot of problems emotionally. Well, that's to be expected. Sure. Because he was taken from his mother. No. His mother is fine. No, he knows his mother is dead because his mother died in front of him. Oh, well that's why he might have emotional problems.

Oh no, he watched it. So he does have emotional problems. Oh my God, like Batman. Yeah, exactly. There's a string of pearls that fell down in front of him. Okay, so he's got two legs and no emotional problems. His teeth are fine. Fine for what they are. His teeth are fine for what they are.

He's a monkey. What a weird thing to say. That might be, go to the glasses. Do you mean like he's mischievous? Yes. Hmm, okay. Is he? I mean, could be I suppose.

Could be. He's not known for it, but. Is he a parrot? No. Please, sweetie, go to the glasses store. Not all of these are parrots. Come back to us in an hour. I'll go to the glasses store right there.

Come back to us in an hour. I'm gonna come right back in here and I'm to tell you what's up. Hey, ladies! How did you get in here? I have nothing to do with this. Get the fuck out! Oh my god. Citizens arrest! Ow, ow, that hurt!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, it hurt me, but I'm fine. Available for a sequel, I guess. And that chinchilla is also fine. Thank god. Thank god, our stock of chinchillas. Yes. Anyway, I'm going to go over here. The chinchilla shelf is unt. Thank God. Thank God our stock of chinchillas. Yes. Anyway, I'm gonna go over here. The chinchilla shelf is untouched.

That bullet really hurt my head. Yeah, when you say go over here, outside of the store. Yeah, I'm gonna go over here. Ding ding. Okay, so it's not a chinchilla. No, our chinchillas are fine. I know, I know. It's not a bird.

That's rude. That's rude. What do you say about a bird? It's a a bird. That's rude. That's rude. What do you say about a bird? It's a sparrow. We don't sell sparrows at the pet store. Go find a sparrow on your own time. Cockatoo! Cockatoo! No dear. Honey, this bird doesn't fly.

Penguin! And it's got beautiful head shape. Yes it does. It has a great- I never thought about that before. But the penguin does have a beautiful head shape. It's got a great personality. True.

Love that. A lot of fun. And I love it very much and I want to keep it. Okay, goodbye. Bye. You don't need a diagnosis? I do. I am curious if its ears are a problem.

They're not. Doesn't appear to be. Yeah. The legs are probably not working. You were saying the ears are a problem. They're not. Doesn't appear to be. Yeah. The legs are probably not working. You were saying the legs are not working. That was my thought initially. Probably because of the main issue. Yeah.

Belly's too large. No. Legs aren't working because one broke. Penguins have large bellies. One broken. No. The legs aren't working because one, the legs are fine, it's just that one's broken, no. The legs aren't working because one, the legs are fine, it's just that one's broken.

No. The legs aren't working because one broken. No, the legs are in perfect condition, but you're right that the penguin can't walk because of the other issue. Yes. The other issue is... Don't fat-shave him again. That he stepped on a nail.

No, the legs are fine. There's nothing wrong with his legs or feet. The legs and feet. Back broken. Yes. Thank you. Was that so hard? Yes. Do you really want to return it?

Spine broken, need new penguin. Here, new penguin. Thank you. Bye. I'm gonna take the old one. Well, there you go. Wonderful, that's how we do it. That was fun.

That was fun. Can we get time for one more? We got time for another one? Well, there you go. Wonderful. That's how we do it. This one. We got time for one more. We got time for one more. OK. So I'll be. I will text. You're going to text Paul what the animal is and Paul is going to text Lauren what the issue is.

Wait, I got to pick the issue before. Oh, I did. Oh, you did. That's right, honey. I'm so sorry. Boop. Boop. So I'm just gonna sit here and chill.

And I just sent a pet over to you. This is exciting. Ba da da da da da da. No, oh no. What? Oh no. I texted it to our group. Oh, I won't look. I texted it to...

No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't. I'm sorry. No, you just sent it to me. You just sent it to me. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, a text came up on the group thread and then my phone went to that. Got it.

I accidentally tapped on it. Modern problems. Right? Starring Chevy Chase. Yes. Okay. All right. Okay. And then you have to enter all of the data into the machine. You can't just be, you can't just be not putting in all the sales. How many data's are there? Every single transaction,

please wait a moment. Every single transaction we make, you need to enter it into the computer and you enter into the database. Okay, you understand? Database. Oh my fucking god. Pardon me, ma'am. Yes. Oh wow.

Are you? Yes. Famous cowboy? The most famous cowboy. Wayne Newton? Wayne Newton himself. Oh my god. That's right.

I've just come back from Las Vegas. Wild West. Dabble relax. Your name's dabble sir. He's getting very excited. This is dibble. Dabble and dibble. He's getting very excited because he thinks that he's going to get to leave with you on your, on your little seat. That's why this place is called the D and D store. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I noticed there's a bunch of wizards lined up outside. Is this? Yeah, they're wrong. Why are you talking like me now? We keep them in a line to kind of make it seem like our world business is booming. Okay. But I think it's just adding confusion. People think this is like a Dungeon Dragon store. Adding confusion. What do you need? I need to return this pet. Why? No, it's not going to happen. Wait, so you're not familiar with our store, but you bought the pet here? No, my wife bought the pet. Honey.

Oh, he's married dabble. And I have the receipt. Yeah, I'm married. He's married dabble. It's not going to happen. Sorry, dibble. Congrats. Enough with this hitting on me kind of stuff.

Well, you're handsome. Stop touching his leg over the counter. Well, he shouldn't be putting his leg on the counter. I'm up on a horse, so it's a little easier. Anyway, I want to return this. I know what you're thinking. Is it my horse? No.

I wasn't thinking that. No, of course it wouldn't sell horses. No, I want to keep my horse. A horse is not a pet. A horse is a working animal. Horses are friends. Horses are slaves. Oh, a friend.

Horses of working animals. Horses of friends. Horses of slaves. Oh, a friend. Anyway, I want to return this green pet. No, it shouldn't be green. What'd you do to it? No. Did you paint it green? I painted it green. You shouldn't have done that. Well. That's a bad move. There's nothing in the rule book that says you can't paint your pets green. There might be a law against it. I think it's animal abuse. Pets are property.

Dabble's looking on the internet and he says it is animal abuse. Why are you making that noise while you are on the internet? That's how he talks to his computer to warm it up. Anyway, I have this pet that's green that was originally brown. Yes. In some places, yeah. Absolutely, some places. And has big-

More so than others. It has fur. It does. And long ears. Yeah, I mean, not relative, but to you. And- To you? Sure. Certainly not a fox.

No. Not like you. Dabble. Again, I'm married. Even though we're on the outs, she did give me a Christmas present and that's what I'm trying to return, sir. That's my only thing I'm doing. You're married, but you are on the outs and you are rejecting gifts.

That's right. So you're saying there's a chance for dabble. There is a chance, but that's not why I'm here. All right. I'm moving my hand up a little further on your leg. I'm merely here for one piece of business and then we can move on to new business after that, if that's alright. Fair enough.

Alright. In any case- We'll table this for the moment. Certainly, sir. I would prefer that. Alright. Alright. Now I-

Good to know your preferences. Now in any case, sir, and maam, I have this, I have this furry, my name's dibble dibble and dabble. Of course. DND DND DND. That's out on the side. I have this pet that is very furry and has some brown fur. It's very furry. It's threadbare, perhaps. It doesn't have mange.

I wasn't saying it had mange. It's threadbare. It does have another problem to it. Yeah, it does. It has scoliosis. That's not what we call it. Oh, what do you call it? The word that it is. We use the correct term. So you just have to say that and that's what you call it? The word that it is. We use the correct term.

So you just have to say that, and that's what we call it. Okay. It's tail. Yeah. Has an issue. Sure. Probably, I guess it would extend to the tail. Okay.

So it's butthole. Yeah. Yeah, probably that too. That too, that too. It might get in too. That too, that too, yeah. It might get in there. It might get in there, yes. So it's got cancer. Ooh.

No, it doesn't, got that. I'm saying it's a cancer, it was born in July. Oh, okay, that was a close one. Yeah. It has... Why don't you work on what the animal is? Well, obviously it's a bunch of... Bunch of.

Bunch of. No. A gerb ham. If you think that's a hamster, you're gonna need to, I mean... You better get some double vision glasses. Yeah. Okay. I'll be right back.

No, not now. Well, there he goes. Anyway, Dibble, how many data makes up a data? When you sell. I just popped by the double vision glasses. Why are you making those horse horses? I know. It's so weird.

I thought you were on a horse. Dabble? I mean, I aim into weird. I thought you were in there. You're on a horse. Dabble. I mean, I ain't into it. We never got to our new business. No, we didn't, but we have to. Old business first. Okay, old business first.

This is a, this obviously is a furry chameleon. No. No. That's strange. It's not obviously that at all. It is. This animal, obviously, has a very specific shape. I would hardly say it's chameleonic in any way.

It's so specific, you could see just a shadow of it and you would instantly know what it was. Yeah. It's a turtle. No. No. No. Turtle shadow could be anything.

I would never know what a turtle shadow was. Could be a football with legs. I would never know what a turtle shadow was. It could be a football with legs. I would never know what a turtle shadow was. I would never know what a turtle shadow was, a cat, a dog. I don't think turtles have shadows. They can't see them then, they'll disappear. I'm putting that on the computer.

Is it a poodle? No. No. Any kind of dog? Can you look at your animal? Any kind of cat. All the way up and all the way down? Whoa, wowee, wow.

As Borat once said. You sound like Borat. It's Borat Summer. It's Borat Summer. It's a giraffe, obviously. Very nice. I gave that one to you. And its neck is stuck up its butt.

Its neck is? Its tail is stuck up its butt. Nothing's stuck up its butt. Okay, I was trying to remember who gave the... You're the person who gave, okay, yeah. So I was thinking it was a dabble. Hey man, you're turning me off now. I don't care about your internal process.

What do I gotta do to get you back on board? Maybe you gotta shake my butt a little. Ooh, I don't mind that. Okay. He is just wearing assless chaps. Which they all are. Yeah, I have no ass. Well, he's no pants on.

Yeah, that's the headline. Yeah. So this giraffe, it's got a short neck. I mean, I would have to compare it to other giraffes. More like a short fuse is what it has going on. Oh, okay. That's well put, Dibble. Very upset at the fact that it has appendicitis.

Oh God, I hope not. Oh, I hope it is. With the first thing happening? We're not taking it back, by the way. It's on dialysis. Oh no. Is it something in the stomach? No. Something in the chest.

Sure. On. On the chest. It's got, on the chest, it's got a mole, a giant mole. Yeah, but that's not a problem. That's not a problem. That's what I'm just pointing to. That's just more of a birthmark.

Yeah. It's, it's, but it's on the exterior of this giraffe. Indeed. Yeah. And the problem is... Well, it lives inside you. It lives inside all of us. It's true. It's invited Jesus Christ into his heart.

And you consider that a problem? I don't consider that a problem. That's why I'm considering keeping him. Well, I'm a devout Christian, so I'm glad to hear that. How devout? Because it seems like you're into me and I'm into you. Our church allows for- Well, I'm a woman. Uh-oh.

I'm a gorgeous woman. Now that's news to me too. Why do you think I'm on every page of the calendar that our pet store puts out every year? You're being fooled by my voice. As a fire person? Here's you jumping out of an airplane? That's right, I'm an Easter bunny.

Wow. Okay, that giraffe's gotta be suffering by now with the situation. Well, it's got a parasite eating through its chest. Is it too early to say that your guess of a parasite doesn't work? Okay, it's a tattoo. Why don't we just tell you what's going on? Please, I don't know that I'm going to get it. Something that a roof has.

Something that a roof has. Is that a roof has. Is that a good hint? It is a good hint actually. Really something a roof has, a chimney? Yeah, it's got a chimney. Yeah, it's got a chimney. Weather protection. A roof is made up of?

Shingles? Oh, shingles. Shingles. Shingles all the way. Just on the chest. Shingles directed by Cameron Crowe. Well, we said it could be in the butthole. We said that a lot of ideas of where it could be.

Well, it's a type of herpes that is spread throughout its body. It's a herpes virus, it comes to you at night. So are you gonna take this pet back? Sure, we'll keep it. Okay, now on to you and me. Yeah. I didn't know you were a woman.

Is that better or worse? I think Wayne was into you before. I was just married to a woman. Oh, I see. All right. Well, what if I said I'm not a woman? Oh my God, you're taking off a mask. That's right.

Dabble, stop doing that. It's Florence. That's right. It's me, Florence. From a progressive commercial. That's right, hello, Flo. Would you like some insurance? I would, on my heart. Well, let me get my pals, Jamie,

and the other ones. Jamie seems to be the only one that's called by name. I think so, I don't think the other one said that. They may have said Natalie every once in a while. Do they or do she just? I don't know. In any case, I'll love you. She's the glum one.

I love you too. Can I own this pet store with you? For the rest of my life? That's right. Yes. Perfect. I've been trying to find a way out. I'm gonna go be on Broadway.

Dibble, you can do it. Break a leg. Sing a song for us, Dibble. I hope you're happy. One singular sensation, every little step she takes. One singular sensation, every step that she takes One singular sensation Every step that she takes One singular sensation Every step she takes One singular sensation Every single step she takes.

Da da da da da da da. One singular sensation, every step that she takes. One singular sensation, one singular sensation, every step that she takes. One! Thank you for listening. We'll be back next week. If you would like to listen to our three of them episodes

every other Wednesday, go to cbbworld.com. You heard some of those last week. That's what gives you a taste of them. But we do those. A little sweet pre. We just did one yesterday. They came out yesterday yesterday and we have those are every couple of weeks. Listen to them at Comedy Bang Bang World, CBB World or at Lemonada Premium. There you go. Tuesdays we re-release old episodes. That's three Visiting on the

Two's and follow us on social media. That's at Freedom USA. If you'd like to send us the three-chart, write to us at freedomusa.gmail.com. If you would like to leave us a voice message, go to the website, hagclaims8.com. An incredible website. Incredible, so much to do there. It's such a good website.

You know what, explore while you're there. Look around. Stay awhile. There's so much. As Common said on that commercial, look around. There's so much to see and do there. So much to see. We'll see you next week.

Bye. Bye. Hi, everyone. Gloria Riviera here, and we are back for another season of No One Is Coming to Save Us, a podcast about America's childcare crisis. This season, we're delving deep into five critical issues facing our country through the lens of childcare, poverty, mental health, housing, climate change, and the public school system.

By exploring these connections, we aim to highlight that childcare is not an isolated issue, but one that influences all facets of American life. Season four of No One Is Coming to Save Us is out now wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm June Diane Raphael. And I'm Jessica St. Clair. And we would like to invite you on a hilarious and heartfelt journey each week on The Deep Dive.

From navigating the chaos of motherhood and family to exploring the depths of grief and loss, we are just two best friends who process life together and with you guys. Discover our secrets to finding joy amidst the madness and get ready for unfiltered conversations about life, love, and everything in between. And nails.

We talk a lot about nails. Now, community is everything to us at the Deep Dive. We believe in the power of connection and the strength that comes from supporting one another and we would love to have you with us. So be sure to join us every Wednesday on the Deep Dive from Lemonade Media, wherever you get your podcasts.