Threedom - Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because You're Being Recorded

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

Lauren, Paul, and Scott discuss finishing dinner, security cameras, and Bigfoot before playing Switch It and Pitch It. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, I'm Reshma Sajjani, founder of Girls Who Code. Look, I'd consider myself a pretty successful adult woman. I've written books, founded two successful nonprofits, and I'm raising two incredible kids. But here's the thing. I still wake up wondering, is this it? And if the best years are yet to come, when's that going to start? Join me on my so-called midlife, my new podcast with Lemonada Media, where we're building

a playbook for navigating midlife, one episode at a time. Each week, I'll chat with extraordinary guests who've transformed their midlife crisis into opportunities for growth and newfound purpose. At some point, we all ask ourselves, is there more to life? I'm here to discover how to thrive in my second act, right alongside you. My so-called midlife is out now,

wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Ellie Kemper from The Office and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. And this is my fantastically funny friend, Scott Eckert. Hi, everyone. We host a podcast called Born to Love. It's a show where we talk to the people we love about the things they love. Each week we bring on a celebrity guest to discuss their secret passion.

Did you know that my friend Jenna Fisher loves Keanu Reeves movies? She does? She does. And how about Al Roker, Samantha Bee, Tony Hawk, Jane Lynch? What do they love, Ellie? You have to listen to the show to find out. So check out Born to Love, wherever you get your podcast,

from Lemonade Media. Freedom! Ah! Ah! Hoo, hoo! Boo, boo! Ah! Do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka!

Freedom! Ah! Do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do-ka-do A freedom episode, a freedom episode. Now it's time to do a freedom episode. Let's do it right now. Wow. I like how you went up at the end. No. Oh, wow. I like how you went up at the end. Do you remember Sam Harris from Star Search? No. Oh my God.

He would do Somewhere the Rainbow and he'd go, the last note was, what's the last? Why, why can't I? Yeah, why, why can't I? And people would go like, oh my God. He hit this incredible high note. People lost their fucking minds. They lost their mind to that song. And then he won.

Weeks and weeks in a row, right? Yeah, and he won the whole thing. He won the whole thing. Was he always singing that song? I think so. Maybe. Didn't it change the song week to week? Let me see if he, and then did he actually come out?

I know he came out with records, but I don't know whether any of them were ever Popular Records were popular. Do you know what I got the premier season the premier season season one? Yes When they had the acting competition? Oh I don't remember that. You don't remember that? They would do a, they would have two people do the same scene with another actor and then the judges would judge, well they did the scene.

It was such a strange, weird thing. That's so weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was on TV. And I think it was like just a made up scene for the show. And so they're like, mom, why isn't dad coming home? And like they're like, everyone's doing the same scene. Exactly.

Apparently he, not only did he have a top 40 hit, but I own it. Okay. So I'm gonna play a little bit of it. Oh. Do you have all of your music in your computer? In, I'm playing this on my phone. I have a selection of,

I have about a gig of music on my phone, but here's Sam Harris. With Sugar Don't Bite. Sugar Don't Bite. Do you think he does his big like, ah? I hope he does it. I need him to if I want to understand what you guys are talking about. What?

Is he a, is this him? This is him. Is your phone playing that at the right speed? He also, Over the Rainbow came out and it was released in Australia and peaked at number 65 in 1985. He has nine albums. He's got a good career. Good for him. Hey, good for you Sam Harris. And of course we're not talking about Sam Harris, the famous atheist. No, although...

The new Sam Harris. Sam Harris, the singer might be an atheist, but he's not famous for it. That's true. He is married to Danny Jacobson and has one child. Oh congrats. Congrats Sam Harris. Why is the name Danny Jacobson familiar to me? I went to a high school with some I went to a high school with somebody with that name. Which one? Mine. I'll tell you he's a director and presentation coach for numerous blue chip companies and also a film producer. Maybe he produced There Will Be Blood and you you met him on set. Yeah, that's probably it. I probably met him on set.

Goo movie? The goo movie. Shout out to Demi Lardner. Yes. And everyone, welcome to Freedom. Let's introduce ourselves for the uninitiated. My name is Lauren. My name is Paul F. Tumpkins.

My name is Scott Lapkus. What? My name is Lauren Lapkus. Ohkins. My name is Scott Lapkus. What? My name is Lauren Lapkus. Oh, I'm Scott Aukerman then. I would love to be part of your family though. We don't have room. Would you adopt me? No.

There's no room at the inn here. Guys, that would be a funny movie. That would be a funny movie. Adopt a friend. If you adopted an adult man. Yeah. Yeah. If there was some sort of legal thing that desicitated it. Yeah. The judge says you have to adopt this. You must adopt someone. I don't care who.

And he's got to act like a kid. You have 24 hours to adopt a man. Chunk, chunk. Chunk, chunk. Chunk, chunk. Chunk, chunk. Do you like chunky peanut butter? Not as much as smooth. You? Well, let's I I wanna go around that. I like the Skippy super chun, what is it? Super chunk, what do you call it?

Where it's just a whole peanut in there? Yeah. And you eat around it. Yeah. Now what is it? It's called, yeah, it's called super chunk, yeah. What, it's got extra? Extra crunchy super chunk.

Yeah, it's got extra chunks. Oh, that's too much. I like, by that. Extra chunks. Oh, it's too much. I like creme, I like creme and peanut butter. Well, then you don't even like chunks, so why are you saying it's too much. I like, I like. Extra chunks? Oh, it's too much? I like creme. I like creme peanut butter. Well, then you don't even like chunks, so why are you saying it's too much?

Because I could handle a regular chunky. You can't handle regular chunky. Hi, I prefer creamy peanut butter, and so I'm going to have an opinion about your chunky peanut butter. Get the fuck out of here. Hey, I feel like I'm entitled to an opinion about super chunk. You know what? Great fan.

If it's like a natural peanut butter that's like made locally, I wouldn't mind chunks. But sold globally. But if it's like- Because those are naturally occurring chunks. There's something about that that's- You know, the market down the street, I don't wanna say its name,

I don't wanna give away my assassination coordinates, but you make your peanut butter right there. That's cool. It's so fucking cool. Is it fun? No. I did that at a Whole Foods once. Do you push it out of a, like a Froyo machine?

It's sort of like that. You start it, you put a thing under a thing, and you press a thing, and then it goes to the thing. You crush them. You crush them. You're not really doing anything, honestly. a thing under a thing and you press a thing and then it goes to the thing. You crush them. You crush them. You're not really doing anything, honestly. You're pressing a button.

That's what I'm saying. You spread it. So at Whole Foods you press. But it is very fresh, but it's also very- I invented the machine. It's very, very peanutty and it's not, it's probably better for you, but it's not as good as the sugary peanut butter that I like. Yes.

Just pour some sugar in that bitch. Pour some sugar in that bitch. My favorite brand, and I'll treat myself to this every once in a while, Maranatha. No, actually I was just revisiting an episode. Maybe it was the three meme that we released the other day. And we talked about that peanut butter.

And you talked about Marineth. I'm gonna say it again, Marineth the peanut butter. Really like it. Okay. Let me Google this. And I Googled it at the time, and of course I don't remember what it looked like. Is there a picture of a sunflower on it?

Cause that's what's coming to mind. Sort of. And let me tell you something, is peanut butter part of my daily life? Not really. You don't have peanut butter every two hours, as doctors recommend. Oh, three out of five doctors. The other two are like, are you insane?

They really felt like, oh, we got the majority. We're gonna advertise this. Sunshine, not a sunflower. But when you said sunflower and the picture came up, I sort of said, oh, I see what you're talking about. But don't sunflowers remind you of the sunshine? Well, and for that is why they're named. And for that is why they're named. And for that is why they're named.

Where does one get Maranatha nut butters and will they sponsor this show and send us a bunch? It sounds like you have a lisp when you say that. Maranatha nut butters. I want my Maranatha nut butters. Part of the fine family of Maranatha nut butters. Hi folks. We would love for Maranatha to send us.

I'd like to have a nut butters all crunched up in for Maranatha to send us. I'd like to have a nut butter that's all crunched up in my Maranatha side. I'd love a year's supply and I don't want a bunch of tiny jars. I want one giant jar. Well, a year's supply. I want a year's supply. I wanna be able to walk into that thing at the end.

One peanut butter sandwich a year. Say hello. I want one squirt of peanut butter. It's a year's supply. I only eat one peanut butter sandwich a year. You only eat one squirt a year? One squirt a year's supply. I only eat one peanut butter sandwich a year. You only eat one squirt a year? One squirt a year. I'm trying to remember the last time

I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It's been a while and I could- Two days ago from me. It's been a while. They're good. They're good. They're good. Sometimes I'll go- Bread, peanut butter, bread.

It's been a while. I'll go to the kitchen during lunch and I'll be like, God, there's nothing. Great place to go. And I'll go, oh wait, I can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That's right. I've done that. I don't usually eat jelly on it because I don be like, God, there's nothing. Great place to go. And I'll go, oh wait, I can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That's right. I've done that.

I don't usually eat jelly on it because I don't like that. It was also a thing that my mother would tell us to make if we expressed that we didn't like what she was making for dinner. Oh, that's nice. You can always have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And would you do that? Never did it.

I never called that bluff. Yeah. It was interesting because I grew up under very strict, like you're gonna eat what we make you and you're gonna eat until we say you're done and you're gonna sit there in the dining room for hours if you don't eat enough of it and all this kind of stuff. But you were the second born child?

Yeah. They still had the patience for that. I was five out of six. Right. Where they were like, oh, you don't like this? Fuck you. Right. You're on your own, baby. But what I've heard is- Why don't you go to a restaurant, they're like, oh, you don't like this? Fuck you. Right.

You're on your own, baby. But what I've heard is- Why don't you go to a restaurant, child? Yeah. See how you like it when they ask you for the bill. Go make a reservation. What was that book about the, I think it was a little girl who always, she would walk by this restaurant.

Maybe he was a little boy. I don't know. But this child would walk by a restaurant every day in New York and it just looked so classy inside and everyone just seemed to be enjoying themselves. And he would look at the prices and it was, you know, like $5 for dinner or whatever. This is how long ago the book was written. And so he just did odd jobs or something

and saved up enough and then went there one day during school, I think he cut school or whatever. And then like went into this restaurant. This sounds familiar to me. And then everyone was treating him like, first like a child, like, what are you doing here? Then he's like, no, and shows the money or whatever. And they're like, oh, right this way.

And they just give him the whole service, but then his or her father shows up for a business lunch and sees him or her and is like, what are you doing here? And he spills the beans about how he saved up the money. And then the dad thinks it's very charming. And I don't know. What is this book listeners? The Bible?

The Bible. It's the Solomon. And that book is called the Bible. It's the Song of Solomon. That's right. The sexiest book. Oh, people always want to talk about how sexy that book is. Jesus Christ.

It's hot. Sex is okay. Just Christ. It's hot. Sex is okay. Just read the Song of Solomon. I'm unfamiliar, but I don't need more. Honestly, I don't know what the Song of Solomon is. I've heard it referenced many times. One of those books in the Bible where you're just like, okay, this is just bad poetry that

somehow got co-opted into the Bible. It's like sometimes in Lord of the Rings where there's those songs. Yeah. Just written out songs. Like, come on, man. Yeah, come on. Like have that be your hobby. You want to fill pages?

Great. Good for you. Do you think he had fun when he was writing the song parts? Oh, I bet he had a ball. He's like, and then this rhymes with that and that rhymes with this. By the way, this doesn't rhyme with that. This rhymes with this, that rhymes with that. P This rhymes with this, that rhymes with that.

Piss rhymes with this, fat rhymes with that. Okay, why don't you write the book then? And call it Piss Fat. Piss rhymes with this, fat rhymes with that. Everybody knows me as an aristocat. And that's the movie The Aristocats. Yes. Aristocats.

Aristocats. That's also a movie. And that's a movie, the Aristocats. Yes. Aristocats. Aristocats. That's also a movie. And that's a play on words. What a great double feature that would be, the Aristocrats and the Aristocats. Yes. Yeah.

Something for all ages. That movie makes me mad. Which one? I bothered to make that movie. Oh, the documentary about the joke. I never saw it. I saw it when it came out. But that was like, 20.

I was like, I wish I could make it my own version where everything's disgusting. That's a part of that kind of became your career as a, as a standup without the aristocrat as a standup, I still could tell that joke if I wanted to. Yeah. I don't like standup culture. You know what I mean? There's like the whole microphone, the part where you don't get to sit.

You guys understand. I know what you mean. You want to be sitting watching TV. When comedians want to stand talking to a microphone. These are two things. Comics want to bro out about comedy, not even about comedy itself, but about standup. Just, it's so tedious to me. It's not even something that you even do.

Any more of the going around at different clubs every night. But you did for many years. I did for many years, and I'm working on standup again, so eventually I'll be going on some kind of tour. That's great. But yeah, the whole, I mean, I do- Because it's so much of bar culture.

Yes, exactly. You know what I mean? Exactly, yeah. And it's not interesting to me anymore. That said, wanna drink? How about a martini? How we tape our second show of the day. We obviously should start doing that.

Should we do espresso martini second shows? Espresso martinis are really all over the fucking place. I don't like anything involved in that drink. I don't think I've ever had one. I could drink a martini, but I don't think I could drink a chocolate, a coffee martini. Someone I was with last night ordered one.

Who were you with? You're out and about. I got out with friends sometimes. You're out and about. Was it your friends friends Charlotte Miranda and Samantha You had your Manhattan a cosmopolitan and they of course ordered an espresso martini with the beans floating on top Can I have an espresso martini with the beans floating on top? Can they be floating slightly above the drink? About a foot high. I'll have an espresso martini with four beans floating just above the top.

Ike a magic beans please. Did we, I don't know if we talked about this recently, but the movie Zodiac, which of course is one of my favorite comfort movies. Yeah, I've talked about this recently. One of my comfort movies. You like when a serial killer goes after people. That's the part I like. You like that part where.

Every victim I'm like, he did it again. Yes. Oh, I'm so cozy. Where they go to the killer, who they think the killer is played by of course, Charles Slisher, the voice of Roger Rabbit. Right. Yeah, and he goes, don't arrest me, please.

There's a great scene that I forgot about because after we talked about it, I think a couple of days later, it was back streaming. Oh good, and so you watched it. And so I watched it and really enjoyed it. I hadn't seen it in a million years. It felt like a really long time, but there's a lot of people I forgot were in that movie. June Diane Rafeel, I forgot she was in it.

Oh, I didn't know that. Plays Mark Ruffalo's, Mark Ruffalo. Mark Ruffalo. Thank you to a link. Ruffalo. Ruffalo plays his wife. Ruffalo. And there's a scene where Jake Gyllenhaal is at this bar

and Robert Downey Jr. goes to meet him at the bar. This is, he's finally gonna take him seriously and talk to him about his theories or whatever. And Jake Gyllenhaal is drinking this very blue drink. And Robert Downey Jr.'s character is like a real boozer, just like a Scotch guy or whatever. Says, what are you drinking? He goes, it's called an aquavelva.

And he says, do you want to try it? And Robert Downey Jr like cautiously picks it up and takes a little sip of it. Then they cut to, they're sitting in a booth and there's eight of those empty glasses. In front of him. I do like that. Because what I thought it was gonna be is like

when a writer writes someone drinking something odd and a person coming and going, what are you doing drinking that? And I always want the character to go, the writer made me do it. Like it's not me. But I like that it was more of the other thing of like him suspicious and then like likes it. What was in an Aqua Velva? Let's look at that. I don't know, maybe Curaçao? Zodiac. Now is Jake Gyllen. Jalen Hall a nightcrawler? Yes, yes.

And isn't that a movie where he has a theory and is following something? No, he is a creepy photographer. He's a creepy photographer. Okay, here's an Aqua Velva. Phyllis Shaker- And he crawls at night. Okay, and that is creepy.

Phyllis Shaker with ice. Okay, done. Phyllis Shaker. Phyllis Shaker. Hi, I'm Phyllis Shaker with ice. Okay, done. Phyllis Shaker. Phyllis Shaker. Hi, I'm Phyllis Shaker. With ice. And here with ice. Ice tea.

With ice. I'm Phyllis Shaker with ice. I'd like to tell you all about my jacob. Phyllis Shaker with ice. Phyllis Shaker so nice. Phyllis Shaker with ice. Add two ounces of gin. Add two ounces of gin.

One ounce of vodka. With an ounce of vodka. With an ounce of vodka. And one ounce of blue. How do you say this word by the way, Paul? I've only read it. Curacao? Curacao! Curacao.

With an ounce of vodka, an ounce of curacao. Do do do do do. Okay, so you got two parts gin, one part vodka, one part curacao. Shake until it's frosty. Got to. Gotta shake it till it's frosty.

Pour into a chilled glass. You must. Top with lemon lime soda. Please do that. And then have a lemon twist. That does sound good actually. I have the whole gin of it all. First of all.

I like gin. I don't like gin. I think because- I'm not crazy about gin, but it does feel like the lemon lime soda, which let's face it, I'm gonna seven up. It sounds good. Do you have an alcohol that you threw up with

that you associate with throwing up, because that's gin to me. Oh yes. Red wine seven up. It sounds good. Do you have an alcohol that you threw up with that you associate with throwing up? Cause that's gin to me. Oh yes. Red wine, but I still like it. What? Red wine, but I still like it. When I was in college. How much red wine do you, does one have to drink to?

I think I had like a bottle. And I mean, it was a slight person. Long Island iced tea. Hmm. I mean, that's such, those are so crazy. They're packed with alcohol. Because everyone where I grew up, you'd go, you'd drive out to the beach and order them like at these clubs on the beach. And like they're just packed with so much alcohol and then everyone's driving

home. So insane. That's what life used to be like. Yeah. Everyone drank and everyone drove at the same time. Sometimes you'd split it up, but not often. I don't know. I want to try one of these, but it also doesn't sound, I don't know. You're like Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, cut to next episode.

There's eight glasses here. But they look very cool. They're blue. Yeah, they're very blue. They're blue is the ocean. Right? A cake by the ocean. Why do you keep saying cake by the ocean?

Just stop saying that. When are you gonna stop telling me what to say and not to say? I'm not telling you anything, I'm asking you something. You're pointing at me right now in such an impressive manner. I'm not pointing at you, I'm pointing over your shoulder. It's your perspective.

Oh, what's behind me? Nothing. Is cake by the ocean, by the sea, is it by the Sea and Cake? By the DNC? It's by the DNC. Remember when Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer put on the African Garb and bowed?

Oh my God. They also recorded Cake by the Ocean. Oh wow. But wait, the Sea and Cake, that just popped in my head, it's an old indie band from Chicago. No, DNCE Dance did Cake by the Ocean, which was Joe Jonas's band. What? Hold on a second. The song is Cake by the Ocean.

Yeah. And what's the band's name? D-N-C-E, pronounced Dance. Thumbs down. And you got upset about this and the three of you might listen to as well, because we were talking about apps without the vowel. Oh yeah. And you said upset about this and the three of you might listen to as well because we were talking about apps without the vowel. Oh yeah.

And you said this is ridiculous. And this is the same thing. Why are you listening to us all the time? Because I was missing you guys. Aww. We're all hugging right now. No we're not. And by the way I didn't miss you guys.

But dince is not a good one because you can't get rid of the E. Well, they only had one hit and so maybe you're right. Well, he should have stayed with his brothers. It should have been D-A-N-S. He went back to his brothers. Good. And then had a relatively successful record and then they put out another one and it didn't do well.

I was thinking about the Jonas Brothers today and wondering if I could identify them separate from each other. If you showed me a picture of a single Jonas. Here's the spanner in the works. Would you be able to recognize the one who is just a reality show host? We say wrench in the works here, dear. Okay, do you know who this? You're not in England. Do you know who this Jonas is? I'm going to say that's Joe?

Nope. You are so wrong. But I'm not going to correct you yet. I'm not going to correct you yet. I'm not going to correct you yet. Sorry, there's Joe, Nick, and who is the other one? We have Joe, Nick, and Kevin, but then- Kevin! But then you also have-

Do you know who this Jonas is? I have no fucking idea who that is. You also have Franklin Jonas. Well, he's the one who's just on the show. Who hosts the claim to fame with Kevin Claim to fame with Kevin Franklin and Kevin Jones share something. Jonas is this What just happened? I know you're on Instagram. It was. So you accidentally pressed your Instagram. No, it's my tab.

It was showing a picture of like a little tiny square with just two eyes. That's Nick Jonas. No. Fuck. Is that Franklin? This is Kevin. Kevin C.

The previous one was Joe. And the first one was Nick. First one was Nick. The first one was Nick. You didn't know any of them. So you said, I wonder if I'd be able to name all the shows I was supposed to. And you weren't able to name any of them. You took a swing at Joe, probably the most famous one.

But then you were afraid to say anything. Yeah. You believe the next one was Joe. I silenced myself, I self-censored. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. Joe, by the way, famously was on the Bang Bang television show as a couch guest and then had so much fun afterwards. He said,

can I come back as a character guest? Oh, how nice. And then, uh, a friend or who worked on that, who worked on the Bang Bang TV show just worked with him on a different show and said, uh, that I told him hello. And he was very excited. So I have a, a, a big fondness for him. And I believe Joe was also the Jonas who appeared on many episodes of Bojack Horseman. Oh, good.

But we did not work together. But I said his name many, many times. Oh, yeah. He was my character. Okay, because he played himself. Yes, he played himself. Wonderful. So shout out to the Jonas Brothers.

Absolutely. And especially Franklin Jonas, who only is just a TV show host. I think it's Frankie. Well, his given name. It should be Frankie though. Yeah. Well, shout out to Joseph Jonas, Nicholas Jonas,

Franklin Jonas, and Kevinathon Jonas. Kevinathon. What was it about Claim to Fame? Were they on that show? One of them was on that show? It's still on, yeah. The- Where you have to guess the least famous person.

Yes. I really enjoyed that show. I watched all of it. You have to, it's people who are related to a famous person. You have to figure out who they're related to. Who they're related to and what their relationship is. It's fun.

And why they like each other. And why they're on TV and why, anyway. And how much are on this earth. You don't have to guess what their relationship is. You just have to guess who it is. What if you had to guess like, is there a God and why are're on TV and why anyway. You don't have to guess what their relationship is. You just have to guess who it is. What if you had to guess like, is there a God and why are we on earth? That's a great game show.

I think I play that game every day. I like that. But why not win some money? Yes. You're right. If you get it right. Is this an offer? But why not win some money? My show, Is There a God and Why Are We Here? Premieres Monday on Game Show Network.

Wow, GSN. Yes. That's big. It is hosted by the late Chuck Woolery. Tons of episodes. Oh good. So it makes me think there is a God. And after he died.

You'll be surprised. Okay. Hosted by him after he died and found out. Yeah. He fucked around and found out. He fucked around and he found out. We have to, speaking of fucking around and finding out, we have to take a break.

Yeah, where we're gonna do just now. Bye. Yep, we'll be right back. Momentarily. Hey, if you wanna take the edge off after a long day, but you don't want the nasty hangovers, well, you need to try our next sponsor, Sol. Freedom is sponsored by Sol,

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slash 3DEM. That's MintMobile.com slash 3DEM. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40GB on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. And we're back. I know I am baby. We're bad as hell. We are bad as hell. Badder than ever. Do you think there's anyone cooler than us? I doubt it. Probably not. Cooler than us. I doubt it. Probably not Hey, do you guys want to do some blow Into horns, I hope you mean yes

Oh my god fucking trainers whenever Alan coming has his little horn He's leaning even harder yes So good he's looking in the camera more. It's fucking great. I do love when he rags on the contestants for how bad, poorly they're playing during a competition or something. He looks at the camera and he's like, talks to his dog. I don't know. But one of the great things about this season in the early episodes so far is hearing him during the round tables, somberly in tone, Bob the Drag Queen.

I wanted to bring up, you know the house with the escaping dogs that I've talked about. Is this an Edgar Allen Poe story? Oh yes, the house with the escaping dogs that I've talked about. Is this an Ed Grell and Bo story? Yeah, that's the dog. Oh yes, the house with the escaping dogs. With the escaping dogs. I found their dog.

Just a quick recap. I found their loose dog twice, captured it and brought it to their front door. They seemed annoyed at me. And then a third time I stopped the woman from backing up her truck onto her dog who had gotten out of the house and was like going, yep, yep, yep. Like trying to get into the car with her. Don't do that while you're driving. That's awful.

And then the dog killed it. What are you looking at? That would be fun. Okay. The dog thanked me by attacking my dogs. Yeah. Anyway, they sound made for each other, by the way. And she annoyed, was like, ugh, ever since I got this new dog, this dog is acting up. I was like, you shouldn't own one dog, let alone two. A house divided against itself cannot stand. Thank you.

I just wanted to say, I walked by it at night during the Christmas season. And in lieu of putting up Christmas lights, she put up a projector that projected like sort of disco lights or whatever, but they weren't even red and green. They were just like purple. Like a rave. Yeah, it looked like a rave while I was passing by. This is not good, right?

That's not Christmas. This is not good. I don't think the dog is gonna like that. I wanna say this about this woman. I think she sucks. Yeah, probably. I wanna say this about her. I wanna marry her and have a nice, long, nice together.

Opposites. Can I also, this is a segment called Community Notes. Oh, well we didn't sing the song. Play the jingle, yeah. Oh, okay, here we go. Community Notes. Notes. Notes. Oh, you were going to consider yourself.

Yeah. And what were you doing? I was just, I don't know what I was doing. I don't know what. You know what? I never do. Okay. So.

The secret key inside my car. What? So I. I like to take it out every once in a while. Just to remind yourself how fun it is. So there's another house I passed by when I walk my dogs and it has a camera on as many of us do, but this camera anytime you pass in front of it.

Did I tell this already? It sounds familiar it, I tell this, it says, hi, you are currently being recorded. This happens to another friend of mine in another part of town. It is so loud. That's so crazy. It is triggered by even if I'm across the street. Why would they have that? It is constantly going off. All I give it is a scowl as I pass by it. And the guys inside his bunker are like, hey, he scowled again.

If you were one of the neighbors and you constantly just hear, hi, you are currently, no, just hearing it in the next door neighbor's house. But I swear it's been now probably two years and I've been like. Oh, it's so obnoxious. Adjust the settings. This has gotta be changed at some point, right?

Someone has to be complaining about this. A change is gonna come. How about a sign that says, hi, you're being recorded? How about that? How about that? But would you believe that? You would think, oh, they put that up to make me think they're not a guard dog on duty Oh, yeah, but then you can do your little evil thing and they will have recorded you But I'm saying you're gonna be bold you're a thief and you're bold and you say I know they're not actually recording because they just

Have a sign if you have a voice that says it, you're like, Oh, they have somebody monitoring. There's a guy there. He talks in a weird stilted way. Shouldn't the range of it to not extend to the sidewalk. Like it should just be like, okay, if you, if you're, if you're on their property, then it's triggered or something, or it's not on during the day when everyone's just walking around constantly in front of your house. I don't know. Anyway, this is me complaining. It's annoying.

It's good. I thought this was community notes. It is community notes. But speaking of another house in my community, my house, I still live in a beep house. It's now been- It's not done? Three months and it's still beeping every single time.

And you tried everything. Wow. Everything other than tearing up the floorboards and trying to find this thing. Yeah, total heart style. Yeah. Everything's Edgar Allan Poe with you. It is, man.

Maybe it is. Everything can expect to Edgar Allan Poe. You know I'm a goth. You know I'm goth. You and your little EAP. Yeah, you know me. Eep. Do people call him Eep?

Eep. Hey, Eep. Get over here. That's what they say when they read a story. I bet that they had a lot of fun with him. The people that knew him probably had a ball. They teased him mercilessly. Yeah.

They were like, you look like a big bird. You look like a character big bird. Did he ever write a story about a big bird? The Raven. That's not big. I mean, if you're talking big as Big Bird, no, he didn't. That seems like a serious submission. Did he ever write a story about a six foot five bird?

Hey, Poe. How tall is Big Bird? Actually, he's probably seven feet. Big Bird is, yeah, he's gotta be like seven feet. He makes people look small. How? He makes people feel small. Yeah, he's really rude.

Because you know, Gordon was six foot seven. Gordon? No, he wasn't. No, he's really rude. Because you know, Gordon was six foot seven. Gordon? No, he wasn't. No, he was. Commissioner Gordon. I think Gordon must have been five, 10. Oh my God. What, what, what? Big Bird height. What do we got? Seven. You say seven? Yeah. I say, I'm going to say 12. 12 feet? Yep.

It's in the middle. Eight. He's eight foot two. Eight. Two. Bigfoot is eight Bigfoot. Bigfoot. Bigfoot. How tall is Bigfoot?

Look this up. How tall is Gordon? How? How big am I? If he's got these big feet, how big is Bigfoot's dong? Hey man. You think you're the first person to ask this? I don't think I'm the first, but let me be the last. Bigfoot is commonly described as being between 6 to 15 feet tall.

Okay, this is too wide of a risk. Most reports estimate his height to be around 7 to 10 feet. I'm sorry, I'm willing to believe in a lot of things. But big feet? No. But that guy is not real, okay? The idea that the thing you would remark upon is how big his feet are. Yeah.

When he's a giant hairy monster. Well, because the first person probably saw the tracks. Yeah, probably. On his arms, because he does a lot of hair work. Or they did that thing where they like, Bigfoot's looming over behind him, and was like, would you, hey, get out of my light, sir. He's right behind me, isn lot of heroin. Or they did that thing where they like, Bigfoot's looming over behind him and was like, would you, hey, get out of my light, sir. And then they keep talking and they go, look!

And then they turn around and start at the feet. And then, ooh. Ooh! Why can't I? Andy Kidler used to do that backstage at UCB, like that take where it's like. Oh, where he'd like, he'd like. Turn around and see you,

and then look up, and then have a big reaction. It's funny? Yeah, it's really funny. We have fun. We had a lot of fun when we were young, but now it's time to put away childhood things. We had a lot of fun back when things were good, yeah? Yes.

Yeah. Times are good. Now we're grownups, and it's different now. Times are not. Things just, here's the thing. Times are not good. Well, pretty much. Do you think there'll ever be a year again,

as good as before 2016? Or are we just gonna continue a downward slide? That's a great question, Scott. Then of course we cover that on my show, the premieres Monday. Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, it's not looking great for us Like is there really not so ever gonna be like one of these years where you're just like man that year like I remember

I was working I did a lot of fun things. There wasn't any drama I feel like even even some of the 2016 and 2020 years had some ability to ignore Even some of the 2016 and 2020 years had some ability to ignore what you didn't like kind of thing. If I'm- Post 2020, everything's just been bad, bad, bad, bad.

Then we get it back, we get it back, it's better, better, better, bad. But do you remember how happy we all were at that one moment? We did it, Joe. We did it, Joe. Yeah. That was the last great moment. That was the last great moment. we did it, Joe. We did it, Joe. Yeah. That was the last great moment. That was the last great moment. We did it. Yeah.

But I don't know. But hopefully, we should incorporate that into our lexicon. We did it, Joe. If we ever- Our personal lexicon of the three of us? Our show. Okay. If we ever get to the end- Three did it, Joe. Nah, dah, dah. By the way, 2025 has been ruined already. So it can't be 2025. That's true. So.

2025 is ruined. I threw out my 2025 glasses that I had on my dining room table. No! From New Year's Eve and I thought, well, Holly will still like to play with these. They're fun. And I went, you know what?

It's already a bad year. She doesn't get these. Going in the trash. No, it's bad year. She doesn't get these. Going in the trash hole. Bad luck. So 2020 started promisingly. You saw, you know, the invisible man. Man. Exciting. We finally saw him.

They shot that suit off of him. They poured paint. There he was. Actually, when the pandemic was first, right before it was first announced or whatever, the lockdown. Right before it was dropped. I went to a movie and I saw the invisible man or whatever it was. I was like, I'm going to go to the movie.

I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. I'm going to go to the movie. Actually when the pandemic was first, right before it was first announced or whatever, the lockdown, I went to a movie

and I saw the invisible man or whatever that knew her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Brett and Dana were the only other people in the theater and the movie was all about an invisible thing lurking around that was scary. And then COVID like a day later. Yeah. Yeah. And that was that.

But so, I guess, so 2025 is done at this point. Within a week. Yeah. I remember when the fires were happening, it's like, it's not even been a solid week of 2025. So it's a bad year already. Yeah. So what are the chances 2026 is any good?

Like what are the chances we get to the end of 2026 and we're like, oh, I didn't even notice while it was happening, but this year has been great. I'm gonna say chances are zero. Yeah. Can we make it great for ourselves somehow? That's what we're gonna do is we're gonna try as much as we can to find happiness in everything

that we can. And that's what everyone does with all of their individual struggles anyway. Yeah, and we also gotta help each other out. We gotta look out for each other. Yes, collective action. There's going to be a lot of that that needs to be done this year.

Yes, we all have to have community support. I would start by maybe that lady who has the camera that says, hi, you are currently being recorded. Take that down. That would be helpful to the community. That would be helpful. You know, it starts there.

With something as simple as that. And it can end there. And it can end there. If that's all that gets done, so be it. So be it. It's already a good year if that happens. It's better than nothing. Yes.

Because right now it's nothing. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because you're being recorded. Smile because you're being recorded. You're being recorded. You're being recorded. Well, when you're in a store or whatever and it has that sign smile on camera, I'm smiling. I always want to be on camera. Because I'm a ham.

That's why I moved to this town. Yeah. I do love that Tug Glass just would grab microphones from cashiers and just do stand up. I've never heard that. He just loves amplifying. He really does, more than anyone I know. Yeah.

So he'll just like pull the mic over and just be like, start doing a bit. Yeah, he does bits, yeah. Yeah, it's great. Not like his act, but he'll do. But he'll be like, oh, Spill on aisle four. Yeah, exactly. Guess we gotta stop playing with the honey jars

after all, kids. Yeah. I wish I was that whimsical in my daily life. And now I'm just trying to get by. Honey what's your opinion on it? Go. Come on honey. What's my opinion on it?

On honey. Or the book It. I'll take either. The book It is too thick. Honey is too thin. Thick with two C's. I like honey. I like to put it on a cheese plate as a little surprise.

Yes, I like it on a cheese plate. Like a surprise, meaning you don't know it's there. As a surprise because I don't think it's always expected on a cheese plate, but it's a fun dip. What do you think about like spicy honey now? I don't think that's good now. And what do you think about fun dip? I love that stuff. Yeah. That sugar't think that's good now. And what do you think about Fun Dip? I love that stuff.

Yeah. That sugar sugar on a sugar stick. That sugar sugar on a sugar stick. That's what I'm talking about. I wanna dye my tongue green. Dye my teeth green. Dye my tongue green. Dye my teeth green and dye my tongue green.

Paul, opinion on Honey Go. I like honey. I do find that the little bottle of honey that's shaped like a bar, that thing has the power to coat everything in your cupboard with honey. And it's really impressive. I gotta give it up. It's really impressive.

To the engineers. That thing, it's always got honey on it and everything around it has honey on it as well. Yes. I find it hard to incorporate honey into my daily life. I don't try to. How hard have you tried? I'd say on a scale of one to a hundred, I'm at a 38.

Scale of one to a hundred, that's not trying very hard. Yeah. You haven't even gotten halfway. Yeah. Have you tried buying some honey? No. Yeah, you should do that. I've never had it. Yeah, you should probably get some. Okay, that would be the first step. But I am at 38. But it's good we talked about this because you didn't know. But honey on a cheese plate is great. Yeah. It's really

nice. With some, with some Marcona almonds. Is that what they're called? Is that what they're called? Is that what they're called? Is that what they're called? Marcona? No, it's Marinatha. It's Marinassa. Almonds, please sponsor us. You are a conflict nut, you use too much water. That does sound familiar.

But they're really good with the honey and the cheese and you squish it all together. We started doing, Emi has started really liking like unflavored yogurt, but with honey because she just loves the honey. And then I'll just find her just eating the honey off the top of the yogurt. Like a little Winnie the Pooh.

Poo style, sticking her hand in the thing. Yeah. And then she's always like, more honey! When I was a kid, I remember thinking that looked good when you would see Winnie the Pooh sticking his hand into the honey pot and just like sucking it off of his hand. Yeah, now I would say that's disgusting. That's absolutely disgusting. But he's a bear. So? And he's not even a real bear. He's a cartoon. And it's cartoon honey as well. No, he's a stuffed animal. On top of it all. He's a stuffed animal that is cartoon. He's a stuffy. Do you know what you call a stuffed animal in Italian? Puppetto. Puppetto. A little puppet.

Is that right? That might not be right. Might be what you call a puppet. That might be a puppet. Let me look at it. Sounds like a puppet to me. It sounds like a puppet. It sounds like a puppet.

It sounds like a puppet to me. You sound like a puppet to me. All right, Lauren's on her phone. Paul's on his phone. I'm just. I'm present. I'm not on my phone. I was holding my phone

and I was looking at my phone. And you were swiping things. And I deleted emails from you. What's from me? Calendar invites. Calendar invites. We need to keep these calendar invites in this challenging time.

Pupazzo. Pupazzo. Pupazzo. Is that from one of your Duolingos? See. There were many exercises where I was told to give my stuff toys to someone else. How's your fluency at this point? I'm not fluid at all.

On a scale of one to a hundred. Oh, five. Really? I mean, I am, I am. This is a lifetime journey for you then? Yeah, it's going to take longer. It's not even been a year yet. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. What's a year in Italian? Ano, un anno. I'd say you're doing pretty good. Yeah, you knew the random word he just threw at you? How do you say my name is Paul? Mi chiamo Paolo. But couldn't you just be Paul? Like why do you have to change it to being an Italian name? See, I could be Paul. Yeah. I don't get in Italian. Me chiamo Paul. Scott.

Paaaaaaaal. Scott. Scott. Scott. Scott. Scott. Scott. All right.

We have to take a break. Lauren. Okay. Lauren. Lorraine. When we come back, we're going to play a three-cher. Yeah, I know. And the most exciting part of this is we're going to find out what a three-cher is.

I don't know and I'd love to hear. I have some information that might surprise you. Okay, we'll be right back. This message is brought to you by KolaGuard, a non-invasive colon cancer screening test. Did you know that colon cancer is considered the most preventable, yet least prevented cancer? When caught at early stages, colon cancer is survivable in 90% of people, so screening and early detection are key to reducing overall colon cancer deaths. That's why the American Cancer Society recommends that if you are at average risk, you begin screening for colon cancer at age 45. And a convenient way to do that is with the

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is estimated based on a large clinical study of patients 50 and older. False positives and false negatives can occur. Cologuard is available by prescription only. What's up everybody? I am very excited to tell you about something we've been cooking up over here. All right, it's called Legacy Talk with Lena Waite.

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We're back and I'm in a state of confusion. What's wrong, honey? My brain is addled. I'm bef a state of confusion. What's wrong, honey? I, my brain is addled. I'm befuddled. I don't know what a threacher is, but I know it's time for one. Here's the thing. I thought I had an answer.

I thought a threacher was a chuster. Yeah, so did I. For a hot minute, I thought it was a chuster. Paul slapped me and said, it's not a chuster. And I apologized for that a Chuster. Paul slapped me and said, it's not a Chuster. And I apologized for that. Barely. But I have to tell you guys, being the person who has to bear the weight

of the knowledge of what a Three-Ture is, is really starting to wear on me. How can we help shoulder this burden? Well, I'm gonna. I'll do this. OK, I'm going to tell you what a three true is. OK, OK. I need I need you to if you need to write it down, write it down. I have an I'd actic memory, so I don't need to write it down. Oh, I'd actic or whatever.

However you say that. You can almost remember what the word that you're trying to say. I remember when someone explained. I'm very close to words. How do you pronounce it? Eidetic? Eidetic, it's, you know, close enough for jazz. I actually don't know that one.

Close enough for jazz. I have a Mary Louise. Henderson. Henderson. Sister of Florence. Mary Louise Parker memory in that I know every episode of Weeds. Yeah, so is that gonna help?

Does that do something for you? Let's hope so. Okay. All right, so I don't need to write down, I'll just remember it, so go ahead. Okay, and you? I will know it if it was on Weeds. Okay, God, I hope it was on an episode of Weeds.

A Three-Ture is a game that we like to play, and maybe this will be helpful. It's also known as a buster. A Three-Ture is a game that we like to play, and maybe this will be helpful. It's also known as a buster. Oh wait, season three, episode four. Oh yeah, of Wedds? Wedds? You don't even know the title of the show.

Is that what you call it? Have you ever seen Wedds? Ha ha ha, she got you. All right, so we're gonna play A Three-Ture right now. Yeah, okay, so it's, I don't know what that means, but. You already forgot? What? God damn it. Were we talking about this?

You don't have a didactic metery at all. Use your didactic memory. You're a didactic metery. Well, we're gonna play, whatever a three-ture is, we're gonna play something called Switch It and Pitch It. So you know it involves playing. So you knew it was a game. So you knew it was a game. So you knew it was a game.

Now what this is is someone says a show title, a title of an existing show. An existing program, yes. And then someone else has to pitch the opposite of that title to the host. Now here's where we've aired in the past, because we have a different feature called Pitch a Sit Song where we pitch a show and then sing what the theme song would be.

Every time I think we play Switch It and Pitch It, one of us goes, oh, and then we sing the song at the end of it, and then we incorporate that. This is not that, we're just pitching. Stop doing that. No singing, no singing involved in this. If I hear one note, You get,

Banished it. You get skunked. Yeah. Oh, skunked Skunkum Skunks are so cute. Yeah, why do they have to have the stink? I know I see them on my because they're why can't they recognize us as not an enemy exactly I just want to pet you I see them on my camera all the time. They're so cute. Oh my god They're waddling around. They're so cute. Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga. Oh my God, they're waddling around. They're little thing-ass.

Oh, they're so funny. I love those fat asses. Who's pitching first? You. Hold on a second. Great. So this is just pitching what the show is. Pitching what the show is, yeah.

Okay. I do feel like the song made it. It feels like we need this song. Should we combine them then? Yes, we should. Yeah. Then we only have one creature. Because where did Pitch a Sit song, where do you get the song from? Well, let me...

Would it be from a phrase? Someone gives a name of a song and someone else pitches a sitcom based on the song, but then you have to come up with a new theme song. That's confusing. Yes, yes, yes. But it's fun. No, it's great. I'm saying we don't need a song in this one.

Being confused is fun. That's why people get high. Yeah. Let's play the game. No, it's great. I'm saying we don't need a song in this one. Being confused is fun. That's why people get high. Yeah. Let's play the game. Thank you. All right, so, Paul. No, we do need the song. Yeah, we do need the song.

Yeah. It's not that interesting about the song. Honestly, it's not. I know. Paul, you're gonna be the person to give Lauren a title of an existing show. Okay. Texted or just told?

Just told. Just told. Just told. Just in plain language, English hopefully, and preferably say it to Lauren. And then she will come up with the opposite of that title and she'll pitch it to us. Lauren, the name of the show is This Is Us.

Couldn't be simpler. Well, I'm feeling that maybe this has happened before. That title? I sort of think that. Then I'll do another one. I'll do another one. Yeah, why not? Because it would be, that was them.

Of course. Of course. Just the 10 of us. Okay. Hey. You think that one's it? We did that one before too. You think so?

That was one of our first ones. I thought so too, but I went with it. All right. I can't say that again. Here we go. Mash. Okay. Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.

That's right. Okay. Hello everyone. Hi. I'm sorry. We were in the middle of something. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll step back. Did someone say you could come in?

Just give us one second. No. Just give us one second. Just give us one second. And the police will never find out. Okay, great. What were you gonna say? Okay, come on in. I just have a seer to pitch. Oh, okay.

Oh, great, we love pitches. We're always on the lookout for new content. Great. Yeah, we have a big hole in the schedule. Yeah. Monday through Saturday, we have nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sunday's taken care of.

Okay, well I have a perfect show for you guys. I'm so excited to be able to tell you about it today. Oh, I love this. I love your enthusiasm. Yeah. Curbit. And I've got so much of it. That's a show that we produced.

Oh, yeah, I know, trust me, I love that show. We did produce Curbit, your enthusiasm, but we do have no other shows from Monday through Saturday. No ideas. Yeah, well, I mean, this idea, you know, sort of, it's something I'm dying to make. I feel it in my bones, and I'm really excited to tell you about it.

Great, bones. So this show is called. Is it called Bones? Cause we produced that show. No, but congrats, I do know about that as well. This show is called. One of the characters in the show was called Bones. Yeah.

Second time in TV history, The other one was Star Trek. We tried to get someone on Curb Your Enthusiasm to be called Curb Your Enthusiasm, but Larry wouldn't go for it. He's so funny. And he's just like his character, isn't he? We also couldn't get anybody named Bones on Curb Your Enthusiasm, which was disappointing.

Yeah. We're Bones guys, if you hadn't noticed. I don't know if you can tell. We're both wearing skeleton costumes. And what's Bones about? A la Phoebe Bridgers. That's right. Bones is about a lady who has bones under her skin.

So everyone calls her Bones because of that. Yes, and it's really funny because they also have bones under their skin. They're acting like they're different in some way. Like, oh, look at your bones. Oh, we all have bones. And she can smell bones that are hidden in a crime scene. OK, so this show is not like that at all.

Oh, great. This show is called Whole Potato. And is that an acronym? Yes. Can you walk us through that acronym? Yes, of course. I mean, it would become obvious once I started the pitch, but I'll just tell you what it is.

Okay. Great. When hunters overturn little elves, people or... Trees, I'm thinking? Or things? No, more things. And things overturn... People or things and things overturn. People are things and things overturn. The end. The end, the end.

Oh, I love it when a show has the end. When? When a show's title has the end. When? Because I automatically think they're gonna keep going. Like bones, the end. I would love it if people would just say the end. Bones.

The end. When hunters overturn. When hunters overturn little elves, people or things, and things overturn the end. The end. Okay, great. We'd love to hear the pitch. What's it about? We want to hear this pitch. So it's about, there's an elf community living under the trees and they're kind of

like an army of swords. Living under the trees. So this is the opposite of a Keebler situation. It's the it's the yeah they hate them. They hate the Keebler elves. So the Keebler elves are in this universe. These are the Keebler elves and they have a big big fight with the of grief? And so there are hunters that are always coming for them. It's very stressful and they kind of create a sort of army camp where they do their thing and they kind of protect each other. Right. They do their thing.

They do their thing. See, this is important to us. We want to produce shows where characters do their thing. Yeah, now is it important what their thing is? That could be anything. So what I'm excited about is for that part to be filled in with your notes and suggestions because I want you to feel incorporated into this process.

Can I tell you something? I love when somebody does this in a pitch. When they make it like we get to be part of it. Yeah, do you have any ideas of what their thing is? So sewing. Sewing. They love sewing and they do it all the time. I love it.

And they do a lot of embroidery. Yeah, and there's a lot of that. And so it's really, they're busy with sewing. They're mending, but they're also creating. And they're also making things just for fun. So they're not creating new things with their sewing. They're just mending things. They're mending, they're also creating and they're also making things just for fun. So they're not creating new things with their sewing. They're just creating. They're mending. They're also creating. That's what I just said.

So they're not doing that. And so the elves are getting people. So people are hunters and they're looking for the elves because they're worth millions. The sort of their pelts, they have a little diamond in their belly button as well. That's so much money. So they've all bought these diamonds and they've gotten pierced navels and they're putting them in there?

The elves? Yeah. It's a natural occurring diamond. So they're born with these diamonds in their navels. And so- Is it coal until they come out of the womb and then that process- No, it's their birthstone.

That's a great question. Interesting. They all share a birthstone. Yeah, a diamond. Are they all born in the same month. Interesting. They all share a birthstone. Yeah, definitely. Are they all born in the same month? Yeah, they all share a birthstone. It's diamond. They were born in April.

Okay. So all elves have sex when? In June, July, somewhere? July. July. Okay, got it. Great. And that's the only time they ever have sex?

They actually don't have sex. If you want to hear about, there are going to be love scenes in the show. So it's not sex like what you're picturing. You're picturing doggy style and you're picturing someone fucking with like an orgy. It's not like that. So it's missionary. Just pure mish. You can do a missionary and an orgy. But it's not what you're picturing.

You were picturing doggy style and you were picturing an orgy with a lot of crazy positions. Exactly. It's missionary. Okay, got it. It's Michelin grade. It's Michelin star. Wow, five stars.

And it's beautiful and it's very romantic. And there's a lot of silk scarves in the lens. Oh, I love this. Soft focus. Obscuring, yeah. Do they ever put a silk scarf on a lamp to make it nice in there? They do, but they've had a few fires that way

that they're trying to avoid. That's right, like my sister did. Yeah, always that true. TMI. That's TMI? I'm sorry, I apologize. I've never had anyone pitch you a same TMI. I apologize.

It's okay. I just didn't want to know that. So it's kind of throwing me off what I'm talking about. So they have sex scenes, romantic scenes, when it's appropriate. So when something positive- It's always appropriate as far as we're concerned. Well, as long as the characters' relationships are positive, they will have sex every episode. So these elves are sex positive.

If they're having a negative time in their relationship, they won't necessarily have sex in the episode, but they might if they- What about grudge fucking? They sometimes do that. Well, they call it fudge grucking. And they sometimes do that. That's cute. That's lovely.

It's kind of a Keebler Keebler thing. And those, so it's very intense what they go through because the hunters are trying to get them, but there's time for peace with the sewing and there's time for romance with the lovemaking. And there's- To everything, there is a season. Yes. And they also do performances. They'll put on a lot of shows. They do a lot of lip syncing. Like contests?

Yeah. To what, I mean, are we going to have to buy the rights to these songs? They are original R&B songs written by the Elf actors. And this is every episode? So we have to cast people who can write rhythm and blues songs? Yes, but don't worry. All elves naturally have that ability.

And by the way- Oh, so you're gonna catch real elves? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That hadn't occurred to me. I mean, it's all one of our problems. It really does.

You probably don't know about their community, but it's very thriving and they also really want to act and they want to be paid for it. They've done a lot of free acting. Is there one we can talk about that? They're about the size of this can of soda. What about this can of soda? Nope, that's too small.

This can of soda? That's comically large and that's not the size of an elf. So that's pretty much the show. It's Whole Potato. Well, there's gotta be a theme song. I was talking to someone before who insisted that we have theme songs. Yeah, that's a mandate.

It's a network mandate now. A network mandate. So is that all the shows have theme songs and they have to be included in the pitch? I have it. I'm ready to go. Well, we wanna hear it. I'll ready to go. Well, we want to hear it. I'll just press play on my CD. Okay.

When hunters overturn little elves, people overturn things and things. Overturn. Such a long pause. And that's how you get a whole potato. And that's how you get a whole potato. The little elves will work all day, but they also leave room for play play equals so Wow that was wow that was really something now will you pardon us? We're gonna put our pull our skeleton mass down while we can

No worries at all. OK, I think this is pretty good. You know what I think of that? I think of the order of this. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? You're 28% older. And I was thinking maybe a little more. 29. Well, I was thinking 30.

31. Well, if you got me got a fucking more. I was thinking more like 133. Okay, I was going to get there eventually. If you did one number per even second, it was going to take. I was going to go up to 10 once I hit 140. You had to start over. Okay, let's take the masks off. Okay.

Sold in the room. Oh my God. But here's the here's the here's the caveat. What you have to do 130 episodes. Have to I've already written 150. Oh you're gonna have to throw out 17 of them. Yeah. Okay.

17 were really bad. Oh, good. How very clever. How are the other 133? Really good. This is great. I'm glad we're in business together. Yeah, 17 were just some fluff.

Would you consider letting us adopt you? You know, I've been looking for some new parents. A judge told us that we have to adopt someone. I don't need more information. Within the next 24 hours. Oh, good. Because we participated in a kind of a protest at a very important government place. But does that make me a nepo baby? It was also a scavenger hunt, in a way.

Yeah, it instantly became a scavenger hunt. Could you find a computer from a certain official? Yeah, can you find a rostrum? Does this make me a nepo baby? Yes. Congratulations. Oh, a Neppo baby? Yes. Congratulations. Who are your parents? You, and you just let me, you just sold me,

you sold my TV show. Yes, congratulations. Okay, I guess that's fine. But tell everybody that you sold the show first and then we adopted you. You're right. Because they're gonna come for you. I know, I don't really love that,

but I want parents. Well, we really love you. Because you're good at what you do, and they always come for you. I immediately felt like you both were my two dads. If you're good at what you do, two things, you'll never work a day at what you do, they always come for you. I immediately felt like you both were my two dads. If you're good at what you do, two things, you'll never work a day in your life, and they'll come for you.

Yeah. I love that. So why even bother? Don't do anything. When can I start? We're not doing this show. What? We're not doing it?

For you! Yes, for your sake, honey, because we care about you, because we love you. Sold in the room, thrown out for life. Whoa, okay. Fine, that seems fair. And you're grounded.

What? We'll see you at home. But I have a date. With who? Who's this gentleman? His name's Roger. Roger, like the thing you say into a CB radio? Yeah, when I'm talking to him and I say,

Roger, Roger, Roger. His name is Roger, Roger, Roger? I say Roger, Roger, Roger. His name is Roger Roger Roger. I say Roger Roger Roger. His name is Roger Roger. I say Roger Roger, and his name is Roger. So I say Roger Roger Roger. This makes sense.

Yeah, I get it now. Too much sense. You're fired from our lives. What? But hired for the show. That's right, we don't care about you anymore. Can I do my show? Yeah, yes. Okay. But we'll never speak again. Okay, I don't care about you anymore. Can I do my show? Yeah.

Yes. Okay. But we'll never speak again. Okay. I don't want to talk to you again. See you at the Emmys. Great. I'm already gonna win.

Well, we're not gonna speak. Okay. But we will see you. I will see you too. And I won't say anything. Shooting daggers. I promise I won't say anything. Oh, that's how you do it.

That's how it's done. If you would like to send us a three-chirp, please write to us at threedomusa at gmail.com. And you know what? Every other week we do three-mium episodes. These are shorter episodes that we do every other Wednesday as part of the premium experience over there at cbbworld.com. Sign up for the Maximus tier. And let me not up.

And let me not up premium. Yeah. Also, I don't think you have to be on the Maximus here. Illuminata. Illuminata premium. Yeah. Also, I don't think you have to be on the Maximus here for Thremium. God, I hope not. Oh God. But you can be. Yes you can. There's a lot of great stuff over there.

They're honestly. All and I just watched the music man. And that's where we did a watch along of music. Although that came out for free on CBB. That's right. People needed a boost. Yes. People needed a boost and we needed a week where we could resettle our lives. That's right. But also follow us on social media. So the three memes, leave us a voicemail at

hagclaims8.com, the greatest website. The greatest website of all time. As far as I'm concerned. That's the only website I have bookmarked. What are the good websites over the years? MySpace. Dogpile, MySpace, Netscape. Two Girls, One Cup. Yeah..com. Great website. Such a good, really good design.

Really good design. They won an award, I think, for design. This is better than all of those put together. Bookmark it, homepage it, HagClaims8.com. We'll be back next week of course. And follow us on social media at FreedomUSA and I run the Instagram page tirelessly

working on this thing, trying to improve it according to your suggestions. And also we have older episodes coming out on Tuesdays, that's three visiting on the twos, so that's why those happen. And anything happening? I want to tell people that the Varietopia St. Patrick's Day special is going to be happening at Lodrum on Sunday, March 16th, and it will also be live streamed to the world.

And then Varietopia is going on tour again this year, starting in April. Go to paulettethomkins.com slash live for all the ticket links. I'm still writing Astonishing Spider-Man. It comes out every week on the Marvel app. Now they've asked you to stop. Yeah.

But you won't do it. They begged. I have a lifetime contract. They expected me to die like after issue one. Fools. Yep. But yeah, that's on the Marvel Unlimited app. And if you're a subscriber, you can read it for free.

It comes out every week. I don't even think I have anything to plug and I don't care. You shouldn't. Both, on both counts. Okay. And that's that. Yeah.

But we love you. Thanks for sticking with us. Bye. We'll see you. Wouldn't want to be you. See you. Unless you're hot. Then I do want to be you.

Bye. Bye. Hi, everyone. Gloria Riviera here and we are back for another season of No One is Coming to Save Us, a podcast about America's child care crisis. This season, we're delving deep into five critical issues facing our country through the lens of child care, poverty, mental health, housing, climate change, and the public school system. By exploring these connections, we aim to highlight that childcare is not an isolated issue, but one that influences all facets of American life.

Season four of No One is Coming to Save Us is out now wherever you get your podcasts. Are you in bed by 10? Can you feel your hormones raging more than ever? Do you wake up every day wondering, is this it? Guess what? You're not alone. Welcome to My Soul Called Midlife, a weekly podcast hosted by me, Reshma Sajjani. On this show, we're going to expose the con we've been sold about middle-age, figure out what the fuck we want from our lives, and how to get there.

We'll have help from guests like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Supreme Court Justice Katanji Brown Jackson, and Alana Glazer. You can listen to My So-Called Midlife ad-free on Amazon Music.