Threedom - Garbling Balls

Episode Date: September 18, 2025

Paul, Lauren, and Scott discuss the zoo, nightmares, and marble slab ice cream before answering listener voicemails. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Freedom Freedom Yeah, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror. I'm here, I'm here, a mirror, a mirror, a mirror, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. It's China Town. Jake Forget it, Jake It's Chinatown

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a lot of things lately I wish you just forget Chinatown I'm worried about Jake You forgot Chinatown I wanted to celebrate my birth at Chinatown I'm 90

I'm 90 I'm Jack Nicholson I turned 90 in my hand became a pot Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Freedom. I'm Scott. I'm Paul. I'm Lauren. And it's been a week since our last episode. Is there any update, Lauren, on your groomers, your dog groomers getting back to you? Nope. So it's been a week and they haven't gotten back to you? That's crazy. Okay, groomer. Okay, grumer. You know what?

Season two of a show I enjoy is out now. What's that? The show is called Platonic on Apple television, starring Roseburn and Seth Rogan. I also enjoy that show. I laugh a lot. I laugh a lot. I laugh a lot. The first season I loved, second season I just realized was out, and I got to watch three and a half episodes other night. Well, I also had two of my gummies from our company. Soul. Out of office?

Yeah. Yeah. And boy, I was loving it. And I was melting into the bed watching this show. And it was, it's so funny because it's so, it's so, like, specific little things about life. Yes. And just funny little realistic conversations. Yes.

And I just love that. I thought it was, I started watching it, and I was like, wait a minute, they, they start having sex immediately and they just have sex for like 20 minutes. I'm like, this show is called Platonic. Why are they having sex? And, like, I don't think I saw this one. I was like, oh, I'm not watching Platonic. You're watching porn and having a gin and tonic. I thought Plotonic was on Pornhub.

I thought, I typed in Plotonic. I thought porn was on Plotonic. Do you think if you go on a porn site and type in Platonic, There will be videos of people like... We're just friends. We're just friends. We're just friends. There has to be.

Yes, I agree. The episode where Beck Bennett is their old crazy fan... Yes, I was just watching that. When he and Seth Rogen are watching the movie... No, I don't know if I finished that up. Is that the fourth one? Okay, no spoilers. It might be the fourth one.

For this show or any other show. There's a physical gag in it that I rewound a couple times because it made me laugh so hard. Okay, I don't know if I saw that because I'm not... It's not immediately coming to me. me. This is a... But you know what it made me... Re-watch? Because, you know, I was actually thinking about this and I was going, I love this kind of show so much. Other examples of people are interested. Breeders. Fantastic show was starring Martin Freeman and Daisy Haggard. I love that show. It started... And maybe because

I'm not apparent. It started to get a little heavy in a way that was like, hey, what happened to the jokes? It does get heavy, but I love that show. I also love togetherness, which is in the same vein of platonic in terms of the style and acting and stuff, which is a Duplos show. Oh, yes. Melody Linsky. I love that show. I was like, I got to rewatch that. Amanda Pete. I'm going to rewatch that because I watched that when I came out,

but now I'm like, I might relate to it more now. Yeah, I really loved that show. Yeah, I loved that show. And I love shows like that. People know other shows like that. Tell me. There's a show like that. It's hard to do. Yeah. It's called Emergency Room. Well, ER. They shortened it. There's 15 seasons of it if you're interested.

That doesn't seem like it's exactly the same. This is more like, this is more like little nuanced moments. Little relationships between doctors and nurses. Both have hallways. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're not all in these they're not as different as you think. Well, and I will also use this moment to plug again the show that I think people need to watch, which is episodes, which I love that. I love. And it's. Jane, he's a huge. It's so good. It's so good. And it's more. How you do it. Situational. Episodes. How are you doing? How are you doing episodes? There's also, this is not a spoiler, but in one of the episodes of Platonic, there is, they go to an event at the Aquarium in L.A., which...

There's an aquarium in L.A. Where is the aquariums here? There's not. Where do they go? They're in San Diego, I think. Oh, Aquarium Town, USA. They're in another city for a lot of the episodes. Well, there's this movie where they watch this movie about fucking humpback whales, and it's

and 4D or whatever. Oh, meaning the whales are spitting on you and stuff? I think they do, like have spray and spray. Yeah. But it looked so fun. Like, I, first of all, I've never been to the San Diego Aquarium. Yeah. I've been to precious few aquariums.

And let's count the aquariums you've been to. One. Which one? Philly? Houston. Hugh. Why would you? Why in the hell would you go to the Houston Aquarium?

Because I was in Houston to do an extremely. frustrating and disappointing stand-up gig and it was a weekend so I had time. You should have done someone else's stand-up. Myself and Lisa DeLarios who was performing with me we went to the Houston Aquarium.

I went to an aquarium in Mexico City when I was shooting there and I was bored and I just went through it and I was like it was very much for little kids. Oh, God. But when does this come out? In September. Great. Oh, of course it won't come out tomorrow.

I'm going to San Diego this weekend. I don't feel like letting everyone know that. Will you go to the aquarium and report back? Please let me know. We're definitely going to go to the San Diego Zoo, which is a big. I've been there once before, but it was like 12 years ago. Is the safari thing still there? Where you can hunt the animals?

Yeah. Is it like a, where you ride a tram or something? No, I think you ride your own car around and animals are passing. Oh, I don't even know about that. Wild Country Safari? You know, I went to that with my. I got to look up what all the things to do are. I went to my son, Damien.

and it was a really terrible experience. Yeah, you never talk about him. Yeah, the monkeys were going crazy. Yeah. Did they take him? No, they're just screaming and they're pounding on the car and everything. And, you know, we've had, it's been a weird time.

Like, we had a big party at our house. You know, we were out in the lawn and everything was going great. And then Damien's nanny, you know, got everybody's attention. I was at this party. She was up on the, like, the second floor. Yeah, she was like, Damien, this is for you. And we looked up and like, what is she doing? And then she was, well, it was not good.

Yeah. It was, it was crazy. I mean, it kind of was a party foul. It was a major party foul. Here's what's weird. I want to know so badly what you're referencing. And yet I don't. The first Omen movie.

Oh, by the way, San Diego Zoo, Safari Park, and Escondido offers a similar experience with open range habitats for large animals like giraffes, rhinos, antelopes. Really? Where's that? I'm going to say it again, San Diego Zoo Safari Park in Escondido. But San Diego Zoo in Eskandito. That sounds like it's another city. Eskandito is probably an adjoining part of San Diego County.

It's not Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, okay? It's not hard to understand. San Diego's Eskandito. Well, I'll look that up. I have to make a list of some fun. I'm not going to look it up for you. I'll make a list of some fun things to do and I'll do them all. How about that?

I like it. Thank you. Legolas. We're staying at an Airbnb that is walkable to the zoo, which I think should make that. Wow. It's enjoyable. Nice. They let you, by the way, if they let you ride any animal back to your Airbnb.

Okay. Have you read the book? Good Night Guerrilla? I have. They love to go in the house. All those zoo animals going in the house. What? In the book, Good Night Guerrilla, which has very few words, but my kids love it.

I feel like we gave it away at this point, but it's, it was one of my favorites to read. Does it have more words than Good Night Gorilla? Not really. Good Night Lion, Good Night Giraff. But so the gorilla is walking behind the zookeeper. He steals his keys. And as the zookeeper says, goodnight to each animal, the gorilla unlocks their cage. And lets them out.

And they all walk in line back to the zookeeper's home and get in bed with his wife. And they rail the shit out of her. And he sits in a chair. He sits in a chair. And her eyes are just open. So you know what's happening. It's very funny I would always like try to juz it up a little bit

Like doing sound effects like Oh I don't do music As they were as they're following everyone I go like oh what's he doing Oh very very bad When she turns the lights on and the monkey sitting there The gorilla sitting there I go

Good sound effect It's pretty good It's pretty good I try to do when they all say good night in the dark I do Good night good night Good night. All the different voices.

Could you imagine if you're a child and your parent is not a performer, how much it would suck? It would be so boring as shit. We got a library card for Emmy the other day. I want to. So what? Oh, my God. So she said, I want to be like Paul. Oh, no, no.

I've actually been meaning to do this for four years. I haven't done it. Vote for president. You know, it was, in a way, I was like, we have so many books at home. No, but it's more fun. But it is more fun because one day we were looking for something to do. I said, you know, we could go to the library. It's a good activity, too, and it's free.

It's a good activity. It's very fun. And what is interesting about it is we let her pick, you know, out of the sections for kids' book, whatever books she wants. And then she becomes fascinated with these books for, like, that week where those are the books she wants to read. And she gets to know these books really well. And she, like, says, oh, no, you forgot this part if I skip over something intentionally to get fucking through this. Like the sex scenes. You know what I skipped?

Cover your eyes. I will skip like the golden books now have one for every movie that ever existed for kids. And she loves those, even though I have a huge collection of golden books for when I was a kid, which are all vintage and weird. She's not all that. Priceless. Yeah. She like isn't into all of those. Sometimes Holly likes them, but for the most part, no.

But she likes the ones where it's like Spidey and his amazing friends. And then I'm reading and it's like the amount of text. And so I'll just skim. I start saying like, oh, they're watching a movie. Oh, no. Here comes this bad guy. I'm like, I can't read paragraph after paragraph. Now Emmy will pick out a book and I'll have to flip through it and go.

And if it's too long, I just go, this is too long. Take it back. This one's too long. The Disney ones in particular, there's a section for Disney books. And in particular, it's some of those of like, oh, it's frozen. Well, because they sum up the whole movie. They make it not interesting, unfortunately. Yeah, exactly.

It's just like the bare bones, what happens. Is there any crossover? Like, does Spider-Man meet the pokey little puppy or any shit like that? No, they really. should do that. Yeah. They really should do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I actually have a whole box of kids' books. They shouldn't be. From what I said it. Okay. There's the Milky Way. There's Snickers. I have probably... Do you think there's a Snickers universe?

Galaxy. A hundred more books from my childhood that are in a box that I need to pull up and rotate out some of hers. Yeah, you got to rotate these in. I have one that I really loved that I'm curious if it holds up. And it was about this cat that steals a pack of markers from the store. Oh. And the guilt that it has. The guilt.

Oh, the guilt. Oh, my God. They should write a children's book about a cat that steals markers and then never feels guilt. It's a sociocat. Socio. Socio. I read that book, which I'm sure I mentioned here, a sociopath, which is about a, it's a, it's a memoir. Apollipa top of a female.

A female sociopath, because we don't hear enough about those. We don't hear enough about them with their. Tell me about it. We honestly think we just don't even really describe a lot of women as sociopaths, but we probably should do it more. There's a few that I could. Yeah. For sure. Yeah.

And then when you think. And there's a room. Lauren, by the way, was not giving it a patronizing laugh. She was realizing she was a social laugh with that. And that it's like, oh, I have to pretend. Oh, yeah. I don't feel anything for others. I never thought about that.

Isn't a while to think that we have met sociopath? Yeah. No, and I mean, I was trying to think about women that are sociopaths. You're trying to think about women? I couldn't think of one. I'm trying not to think about women for once. I can't, you know, it's hard. You mean, there are some public figures.

You definitely can go like, well, that person probably is. In your life, it's much easier to find men. But I think maybe women have different tells than men do. I think that's what it is. What are the tells that women have to? I don't know. I mean, this is just one woman's experience that I was reading. But I, and I don't know what her, she didn't say what she was, like, doing to trick people, you know, or whatever.

But I feel like. She had the self-awareness to write a book about the fact that, oh, now I know I'm a sociopath. Well, you know what's interesting is that she came on a podcast that I heard. Is that interesting? Yeah. If that was in the story, no. And she brought. It's sociopath week.

She brought specific gifts. Webster's Dictionary to find social. As she brought specific gifts for the host. If you've got a medical disorder, we like to have you on the show. She brought specific gifts for the host that were to their tastes and interests. And they were both so delighted. And I was like, that's part of it, babe. That's part of it.

She's being a sociopath. She's being manipulative in order to do it. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, that's interesting, actually, because they didn't see that. Maybe later they did. But they didn't say anything about it. And I just found that interesting because I was like, maybe that's,

that's more, maybe that's a treat for sociopaths we don't typically think of, where it's like they actually are, they know exactly how to play you. So if anyone gives you a gift, they're a sociopath? That's what I'm trying to say. Yeah, yeah. So think about all the birthday presents you got from your parents. Oh, no. Two sociopaths that found each other.

And made you. Not that far off. And they made you. I am reminded. Wait, what was that? I can't think of what it was. That was from a theme song or something. From the affair. Thank you. Oh, screaming.

I used to get up and do a whole performance to that for my parents. Of course you did. They loved that. Yeah, I don't know. We watched that together. Wasn't the final episode of the affair funny? I don't know why we were together. But my mom thought it was hilarious.

Trish. Yeah. Final episode where they're doing this. The dance. I don't remember that. Oh, my God. It's so funny. I love that show.

I watched the first two seasons and the thing with Janie. And the first season blows your mind. First season's great. Yeah. And then it goes off the rail so hard that when I can't, came back to seeing her watching it again. I was like, what is happening? She's like, it's the future.

Oh, right. The future, I forgot. Oh, I didn't like that. Yeah, and then we saw the ending together of him on the cliffside, the cemetery of the side, the cemetery close side, doing the dance. I don't remember the dance and I can't believe I don't remember this. He's an old man makeup. Flash mob, old man dance.

He's an old man makeup at a grave and that he starts. I'm positive I watched this and yet. Doing like a sort of tevibeye. You probably cried during. I probably did. You probably did. I'm reminded of one of two recurring nightmares that I had as a child. Yeah.

One was just your garden variety. I'm lost in a store and I can't find my mom. I can't get it. I'm lost in a store and can't get up. The other one, I am turning the corner into the whole. hallway that leads down to my bedroom, which is at the very end of the hallway, door facing out on the hallway. And stepping into the doorframe is a fucking gorilla. Good night, gorilla. And then it sees me and it stops. Does this guy see me? And he starts coming

towards me. And then I wake up. Thank God you wake up. Because if you didn't wake up in your dream, the gorilla would grab you. Yeah. And. have his way with you, let's be honest Hmm You don't think he's just going to whisper something in my ear Like Bill Murray at the end of Lost in Translation? No, I think he's... He's not going to be like, gorilla.

I remember I had a nightmare as a kid. I have two things. One was a nightmare that I made up. I remember telling my mom I had a nightmare about a witch and it wasn't true. Because he wanted sympathy? I wanted attention. Do you remember what it was?

I thought a witch was chasing me. I remember saying it. I remember where I was. You know what? Good one. Yeah. But then another one that I had that was. that was, I had a night terror

where apparently I was screaming bloody murder and saying they're in the walls. Oh. And my whole family came to my room because I was going insane in the middle of the night. But in my dream, I was laughing and thought it was, in my dreams, I was saying they're in the walls,

but it was funny. And so I was having like a funny dream in my head and I was going insane outside. That's wise. I don't understand that at all. It was really, I was in the eighth grade. Everyone ran the entire room because they were like... You're in the eighth grade.

What's going on? There's screaming bloody murder. Well, who's in the walls? Oh, come on. And who was in the walls that you found so funny? My friend's family. I remember it all. My friend's family!

That's not signs of being a sociopath. But you find it funny that your friend's family was trapped in the walls. I was having a funny dream and in real life it was scary. Wow. Isn't that life? Yes. Do you ever have nightmares? We're all just having a funny dream.

dream but actually it's scary yeah I had a nightmare the other night I mean he was lost and oh I was like oh shit how do I that's horrible yeah so not good it's horrible it sucks when you have like a cheating dream and then it's like you're you have all the logistics of that and you're like no and you're like I can oh now I'm in trouble it's like you have all these things and it's like I've had I've murdered someone dream and you go like well now I'm a murderer for the rest of my life, and I don't know how I can get through a single day without thinking about the fact that I've murdered this person. Yeah.

I don't know if I've had a dream where I've killed someone. What's the light train out of their eyes? Yeah, okay, so, so I don't think. I had that dream, but I didn't do it. Oh, I just happened to be there. You just hear a passive observing. I don't think I've, oh, light training. I don't think I've ever had a dream where I killed someone.

I've never had the dream where I've actually done it. I've just suddenly. You have the knowledge of having to know, the knowledge of, oh, I'm a murderer. I think I've had the dream where I have been where people thought I had done something like that Fugitive side And I had to like how can I tell people How can I make them understand?

And it was a one-armed man Yeah, I think I just saw the fugitive I think that's what it was. Oh, that's right. That wasn't a dream. I don't care. I don't care. Hey, guess what?

Asshole? I don't care. Would it have been better if he had said that? Or worse? Better like this? Or better like this? Here, I'm just giving you options. Should I?

watched that movie? Would that be enjoyable? I've watched it like twice and I and back when it came out and I thought it was like frustrating frustratingly bad in parts of it and then very watchable and good. Okay. In a lot of it. So probably like the firm which I recently saw.

The firm. Lauren is on her phone. I'm taking notes about the episode. We're going to take a break. We're going to take a break. But hopefully this dog grooming place has written her back. It's been a week. I would love for this to be resolved before the episode. I don't think they have. Okay. We're going to take a break and we're going to wait for

about three hours for them to respond. And for you, it'll just be a few minutes. You're going to hear an ad. Gorilla. The origins of this podcast were once just a dream. Remember that day? Yeah. I had a weird stream last night. What was it? I'll wake up you guys, take up you guys at a nightmare. Oh, no. That happened.

We started a podcast. Oh, no. Go back to sleep, honey. That'll never happen. That dream turned into the podcast and business you're listening to today. Taking your business to the next level is a dream, lots of us share, but too often it remains just a dream. We hold ourselves back thinking, what if I don't have the skills? What if I can't do it alone?

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Charlotte's Webb? No, it's Babe. Oh, oops. It's Babe. Well, every time I said I think it's Charlotte's Webb. that'll do pig babe oh i can watch that with holly and babe pig in the city remember is crazy isn't he just like a little talking pig babe i haven't seen it in so long

first babe very cute very cute but isn't he gonna be eaten yeah something about ham something about bacon some about bacon but there's also something about la la la yeah yeah that was classic yeah holly i don't think has ever even eaten bacon what yeah oh my god bacon is so good. Look. I love baking. Do you make her a big plate of it every morning?

Yeah. And I just go, well, as long as I wasted a pig. Nine out of ten of my t-shirts are devoted to bacon. Yeah. And two mugs. Have you seen that disgusting video where Ted Cruz wraps bacon around the nozzle of a rifle? Yeah.

And cooks it as he's shooting things. What? Yeah. It's like some kind of fucking machine gun. It's some kind of, uh, it's some kind of, uh, it's some kind of, uh, you know, semi-automatic. And it supposedly it cooks the bacon because the barrel is so hot.

He's just like, this is what a real man does. I think that is very sick. How? I think loving guns is a, is a mental illness. 1,000%. Yeah.

He is, Ted Cruz is such a fucking dork. I cannot believe. I thought he doesn't even like guns. He's just doing it because it's a photo op. Of course. Of course. That's disgusting.

He's such a fucking dork. I can't believe. that even if you are, you absolutely hate the people that he espouses hate for, that you are saying, I got to vote for this guy. I dare you to say this to his face, though. Honestly, I think that I could. Wouldn't it be great if we were all, if we were all allowed one minute to say whatever we wanted to any politician.

If you all dep to say you're a fucking dork, that's actually pretty solid. You're a fucking dork. It's a miracle that anyone votes for you. no one likes you. Even the people that vote for you don't like you. But it's a miracle that they're able to swallow their own vomit. It's getting harder to say to him. In order to cast a ballot for you, if voting weren't anonymous,

you absolutely would not hold public office. I do like the Al Franken quote about him. I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz. I'm sorry I feel bad that I make you self-conscious I hate to be conscious about myself I'd prefer to be Isn't that the truth?

You know what I mean? Yes, I'd rather be blissfully ignorant of myself Thinking about other people Yes, and judging And executing Wickedly, wickedly The Wickedly talented Adel-Dusy

If you were allowed to kill one person. Do you think you'd be able to? I don't think I'd be able to. I wouldn't kill you? Do you think if you were having a moment like John Travolta where you couldn't see

the teleprompter or you didn't know how to say the name you're going to say? First of all, I would clear it before I went on stage. Well, I definitely would try to do that too but he had a brain fart and he didn't know.

I think I might try to, I might go, oh, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, and I would just like run off like as if something else was going on. I'd be like, oh, I shit my pants. Yeah, I shit my gown. ship my gown, I would say. Run off.

I would be like, please welcome. The wickedly talented. And I would start mining like, my mic's not on. My mic's not on. Pointing at it and going like, they can't hear it. Like call somebody in from the wings. Like, what the fuck is her name? Lauren's mining, by the way.

I think you could hear that. The wickedly talented. A tippa-da-a-da-tip-da-da. He would have gotten away with that. I would say, here's what I would do. He would have got the perfect crime. So wickedly talented. You all know who she is.

Let's say it together. I think like, I think for her. I bet in the moment that felt bad because she's about to have her big moment. But then later it's just funny. Was she singing? It's just gold. They both have to think it's funny. It's funny.

I wonder if she thinks it's funny. I bet they're friends now. I think she had a hat that had it on it. Oh, that's great. Yeah. I think she's in it. I think she's down. Oh, I would...

Oh, she's DTF. I would love it for him. She's down to clown about that. If somebody garbled my name that badly, I would honestly love it forever. But people garble your name every day. And they're not that bad. When they're garbling balls. It's the same garbole.

Garbling balls. Barbling balls. Garbling balls. Work the chef, garble the balls. Work the chef. Garble the balls. What were we saying when we were doing So let's just Sloan for 10 minutes?

Do you remember we like? I didn't remember doing that. It's a long time ago. We were imitating it for like 10 minutes. Just saying various things. Garp to garb of the balls. That's not even a good. Wow.

I don't know who that was. I was trying to. I had somebody in my throat. That was more of Bill Paxton. Hey. We're, work the shaft play with the ball

now I'm doing buddy have you ever have you ever presented at an award show or anything like that I have I hosted

presented I don't remember how much I actually was I think I was hosting the Hair and Makeup Guild Awards one time with Timothy Amundsen goes to hair and makeup

and it was fun I know Timothy Amundsen I think he's very nice. He's very sweet. And have I done it? And you know what else? He's wickedly talented.

Yeah. He is. I think that's maybe the only time. Have you? I hosted the local, not the local news. Was it the local news Emmys? I can't remember. And I quickly found out that they were not interested in anything I had to say in any of my jokes and just wanted to know if they won awards.

Yeah. But a fun award show. You get one. You get one? You get one. Then I... If I read your name, come up and get one. I presented at the creative art semis with one of the Rosolian Isles people, and she was very cool.

They were from the Rosolian Isles? I grew up in the Rosolian Isles. No, it is Rosolian Isles. Oh, I grew up in that Richelian Isleon. And then I presented with Sarah Silverman at... Sarah Silverman Awards? No, what award show was at? It was at the Beverly Hills thing.

And I remember, I remember we had a really funny bit and got a lot of laughs. And then the person who won, we realized in the moment that he had fired us both from jobs. And we had to sit there, sit there smiling while listening to his speech. And then he corrected our joke. Wow. In his acceptance speech? In his acceptance speech. This was the guy who worked at who managed Coldstone Creamery.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. I could never quite figure out how to pound. that ice cream the right way. Honestly, the second I hear that is the name. Oh, you care, that was the song. Yeah. I think I got to have some right now.

Cold Zone? Yeah. Do they still have them around? Yeah, they do. Really? I think I've only ever been to one once. Oh, I love it. I get chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups mashed in.

So if you've never been to a Cold Stone creamery, what it is is you go to this place and they take. I don't know what this is. I don't know where it is. I've only, I live in Los Angeles. Well, but there's got to have been chains of this. If you've never been to 7-11. Like different, even different style. styles. You're equating cold stone

fucking creamery. There was seven and eleven. Always right next door to each other. Remember there was marble slab? That was another one. No. I've never heard of the trend. That's vaguely familiar. Coldstone, marble slab. These were different ones doing different things on the same.

There's no one who's never heard of Coldstone. I don't need to explain this. You don't remember freezing plank? Here, why don't you try to describe it if you think you'd. You would go into this place. You'd hopefully have money. American currency. And you'd order ice cream and they'd say, do you want some mix-ins?

And then they would scoop out the ice cream onto a big cold thing. Slab, marble slab. And then they would sit there with ice stone, kneading the mix-ins into the ice cream. They use a little flat sort of metal tool that's kind of like what you would scrape off the ice. So they can get all, they get it all clean off the marble slab and they mix it around and then they'd put it in a thing. And anytime I would go there, I'd be like, why don't I have to wait fucking five minutes for this ice cream? Here's what I want.

And there's a giant line out the door and it's because it takes so long. Why is it faster? What's faster? To just go to an ice cream store and they scoop it out without the... But the toppings on top where they all fall off your cup? No thanks. Tired of this. What if I didn't get toppings?

I want the toppings mixed in. And I want it today. I want it in the ice cream already mixed in. I want it now. I think I have to get my own marble sloth. This is only a solution. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if your whole house is made out of marbles? Or the black box. Okay. Okay. Have you ever been black box ice cream? You hear secrets? It's the safest ice cream. Mm-hmm.

It's protected. It protects your ice cream like nobody's business. Is a black box just recording? Yeah. It's all it is. It's recording. Yeah, yeah. And it survives anything.

Yeah. That's why pilots, a lot of pilots will do their, like, their song demos on there. Yeah. Why don't they do like, why don't they do like, why don't they do like, They build a whole plane out of the black box. Well, it looks like we are, we're no longer receiving instructions from the tower. I got to ask, is that a thought you just had for real? Yeah.

Is that a thought people say all the time? That is the. I'm sure I've heard it a hundred times. It's the platonic ideal of the hack comedy joke. Well, look, I came to it on my own, so what does that say? It itself has become a hack comedy joke. So it's almost like I came up with it by myself. It's almost like I made it up.

Yeah, sure. No, I'm sure I've heard it a hundred times And it's just in my head I don't think I came up Like Coldstone Creamery Sorry about that I wasn't to get all mad at me Like the time that I thought

I didn't really know about JFK's Conspiracy theories Did you not know about JFK You taught me about it Utah Or Watergate You didn't know what that was I only knew a little

I don't really care Yeah Just get over it I actually have a lot of intelligence In different areas not to have any impact on the future whatsoever. So why do you need to know about water? I don't.

Who gave a shit? Why do you know about this Civil War? I saw the movie Dick. It proved to not be a problem. Yep. Yeah. Dieck. This is the movie Dick.

Dieck. Starring Dan Hediah as Richard Nixon. Oh, I just saw him in Adventures of Buccaroo Bonsai. Oh, of course. I was like, everyone in that is a future star. Was he John Big Boutet? He's not Big Boaté. that's that's Christopher Lloyd but that's right and who is uh what is John Lithgow's character

Dr. Lizardo was he the dad and clueless yes yes he was is it fun to watch that movie again it's great I think I remembered it being fun it was like really silly I like and all the the production design is is is is it's cheaply made but the production design is so fun it's top notch yeah have you seen the video of Peter Weller talking about how his his family calls him Squidward no because of is that a sponge bob reference yeah because of his general demeanor they're like this is you it's really it's really funny to be dragged like that by one's own family yeah oh i don't know do you know the robo wants orio story no what's this robo wants oreos tell us tell us paul tell us paul we want to hear the robo It's Oreo story.

This is a guy who is like maybe a sound guy or something on Robocop. And he's like micing, you know, Peter Well is in the Robocop costume. Yeah. And so he's getting, he's getting miced. Why didn't they build the mic into the Robocop costume? That's a good question. That's a good question. Maybe they did.

Maybe they did. But can you imagine like trying to smooth down the Robocop costume so that you can't see the wires and the bumps? So he is You know, he's getting wired And he sees that the sound guy has like a stack of Oreos Next to him like on the card or whatever And he just says

Robo wants Oreos Yeah And the sound guy goes, no, I'm not going to give you any my Oreos What? And he's like, Robo wants Oreos He's like, I'm not going to do it I don't understand the sound guy's point of view He turns because I think they're fucking bad

Or whatever. Okay. So Peter Weller, like, turns to, he's like on some balcony or something and, like, turns to the entire set and just screams, Robo wants Oreos! He would not proceed until he was getting Oreo. I could really go for like a cookies and cream on a marble slab with Oreos mixed. I hate cookies and cream. I love cookies and cream. I wish I liked it. Eat, what? Dick. I have to say we got some gargle and good.

Gargle, garble, garble, my balls. I want you to gargle, go, Google. I want you to garble my balls. Gaggle, Google, guggle, Google, and gobble. What did you get? We got some vanilla ice cream because Emmy loves vanilla ice cream, but then she wants like three chocolate chips and some sprinkles on it. Yeah.

Okay, but then we had some Oreos, and I crushed some Oreos over the ice cream, and I have to say, if there was a Coldstone creamery kind of situation where I could have mixed it in better because it was all on the top. Yeah. This is what I'm talking about, but you know what I'm getting excited about, now buying cartons of ice cream and all kinds of mixins because normally what i buy i typically buy good pop brand um ice cream bars and sandwiches and popsicles they're all very good and they're low calorie and they're delicious mixins fixins treats and tricksans who will come and play with

me oh no we unlocked the doll regardless i could use a little crazy i found the clip I found the clip. Of what? Of the story. I found the clip of the story. When we were in Minnesota, Pennsylvania, shooting the steel mill. Peter's upstairs. We're up two or three floors.

You had to go upstairs to get to him. We had an explosion behind him. We'd make the explosion hot, ready to go. I went upstairs and I was carrying, I don't know, about eight Oreos. I don't know. I'd hand him his weapon. I'd say, Peter, safety's off. And he wouldn't take the pistol.

And he says, Robo wants an Oreo. No, the time we go, no. It's just you and I, Peter. Robo doesn't get an Oreo. Peter wants an Oreo. Peter can have an Oreo. He clipclops in the suit over to the edge of the railing, and Peter starts bellowing.

Robo, what's an Oreo? And when the steel mill just echoes, Randy has Oreos or Robo what's an Oreo? And Steve Lim, over the radio, goes, Randy, do you have Oreos? So I stuffed that whole stack in my mouth. and then crunched them and let them fall down

three stories on to everybody below me and not anymore and Robo got upset I haven't got a damn clue about Randy Moore in his fucking orio Randy Moore's a friend

but half the time I don't know what the hell he's talking about so he's got all these stories from Robocop I don't remember him Steve Lim's going can we get the shot And then Robo can have an Oreo.

And Peter said no. So they had to cut. They were rolling. They were ready to go. Now we're hot on the explosion. They send a PA up the stairs. They feed him an Oreo. And now he's got Oreo on his teeth.

So then the PA has to pick the Oreos out of his teeth. And then he says, okay, I'm ready. And then we shot it. Is this part of Robodoc? I don't fucking know, man. So I had a gentleman that worked with me. His official title I didn't realize it was still going on.

Peter feeder. Peter feeder. Because that's what the crew called him as the Peter feeder because for some reason weapons had to feed Peter Oreos. Randy. Love you badly.

Don't believe one fucking word out of your mouth. Okay, well, I love these guys. If he is making all of this up. I love it either way. Either way. And if he's not,

I love Peter Weller's rejoinder. Absolutely. None of it ever happened. And now we're going to hear the governor of Alabama burping during a live preface. Okay.

Getting to the state. We're getting us Oh my God. Jesus Christ. We'll be getting to the state. We're getting us the most violent burp. And she's a little old lady.

There was a woman. What? The number of doses that we'll be getting to the state. We're getting us from. Oh, wait a minute. No, wait a minute.

Was that dubbed in? It's like the mummy thing? Yeah, exactly. We got mummy. I'm going to check out the... We got mummy. We got mummy, Jerry. People aren't saying it's fake.

They mummied us. Someone said she's so real for that. It's like, that's not really... She's so real for that. Yeah. Like, she's on purpose. Like, what the hell? So I'm going to go out there and I'm going to belt.

As loud as I can. She's so real for that. She's so real for that. but we're real because we have to take a break. Yeah. Get ready to embark on an unforgettable journey where the worlds of fantasy, sci-fi, gaming, and more come to life like never before.

Okay, I'm ready. You said to get ready. I packed everything. Are you already? Yeah, I'm ready now. Okay. What are you talking about? Yeah, what are you talking about, though?

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This is incredible. That's a good deal. See you there. Ahoie. It's back to school season. School season, little boys and girls. But you know what's not on the syllabus this year? Tell me.

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Upfront payment of $45 required equivalent to $15 a month. Limited time, new customer offer for first three months only. Speeds may slow up 35GB on unlimited plan. Taxes infuse extra cement mobile for details. And Gbbyb stands for gigabytes. We are so back. Garble the balls.

Garble the balls. And we're going to do, this is, I coined this term. Oh. It's a feature that we play on Freedom, so I thought it would be funny to call it a three-ter. Okay. So we're going to play our first three-cher that we've ever done. Now you,

you feel like you've coined this term, do you? It's a new term I've just coined seconds ago. Is it also or could it also be known as a buster? Ha! That's interesting. Yeah, I can see that. Italian say a bustero

si, yes, si, so devero davero claro claro

that's Spanish but I'm allowed Spagnolo okay we're going to play press conference

now I hear you out there you're like what is cold stone creamery we've never

even been to one that's in the past let me tell you about press conference press conference is one person plays a unknown two of us

decide a celebrity and the third person is going to be playing that celebrity giving a press conference and the other two will be reporters asking questions and the person has to figure out what celebrity they are who they are to be more specific we're going to play paul you're going to be the celebrity Lauren you text me a celebrity's name immediately wait is it a celebrity and then what like they have a scandal we can do that yeah scandal so one person comes up the scandal yeah i'll text you the scandal you text me the celebrity how's that sound I'm texting...

Wait, what? You're texting me... The celebrity. The celebrity. And I'm texting you, the scandal. That's perfect. All right. I apologize for that moment of silence.

Respectful silence. But we did that to honor... Someone who passed away recently, Paul. Yeah. You know, this was a... Hold on. Wait. I haven't named this because now you just did something that I...

It's a picture I saw on Instagram. Jack Nicholson has passed away at the age of 120. No. Both his hands have turned into hot dogs. And that may be what killed him. I can't imagine that it was good. Oh, no. I used to love his stuff.

Okay. Thank you all for coming here today. Do your voice. I don't want, I, I, I'm not here to do that. I understand that. We love the, we love when you do it. I know, of course, and everybody does. my voice all the time it happens yeah it's so unique it's a famous thing yeah and probably uh you know

when you see SNL like there's somebody that does you have I mean you back in the day once definitely they used to but it still happens no no it's more like SNL 50 sure but you want me to do the voice now yeah well improvisers love it improvisers do love it and your voice is so different than when we when we're used to hearing it. Yes. And there's something, because it's so, you're used to it being higher pitched. Yeah, of course.

Right. And more feminine? No. More masculine? I wouldn't say that either. No, just, just is what it is. So I,

yeah, so my voice is usually definitely from a different part of the country as well. Right. I have an accent. I'm not going to lie about that. I actually don't know where you're from. I do. Okay.

So you wouldn't, you wouldn't, was from the south i would you i guess i would someone told me but it wouldn't have been what i was thinking right so i have a high pitch more high pitched voice would you say my voice is high pitch or just higher than this bless you i was a cough i would say it's well i'm glad you did it right in the microphone yeah thanks the next show will love that i did it into my hand and then wiped it on the microphone yeah and then spit on i'm sorry i need to talk to my colleague over here i stop coughing into my microphone no all right um that was a good one

I mean, high-pitched in a way, but like grading. No, that's, I wouldn't even say high-pitched. I would. Okay, fine. I would say nasal. Yeah. Sure, but not deep. Like, he's speaking right now.

Yeah, no, I don't like how you're speaking right now. Yeah, we don't like it. Stop speaking that way. This I normally. I guess high-pitched. I guess that's true. Because I'm not on stage right now like I normally am. Yes.

That's a good point. So this is my more, this is me at home, you know? Okay. I just wouldn't have expected it. But like when you're saying, and also when you see me in movies. No. I don't think you've ever been in a single movie. Oh, I'm thinking of home movies.

I'm sorry. Oh, the Brendan Smalls show. No, I've never been asked to do that show. I was a big fan. Yeah. And I'm still alive. Yeah. Of course you are.

Yeah. Like I said, you were just on SNL 50. Oh, yeah. You were on SNL 50. I was just an SNL 50 and I have a, I do have the sister show, not the actual. not the actual S&L 50. It was the music show. Yes.

Yeah, because I'm a musician. Yes. Of course. And, and, and I, my, and when I sing, it's sort of. Okay. You're singing, yeah. I mean, it's just, you have your, it's the best of your ability. You don't think I'm a singer?

You have a unique, you are a singer. I don't know the unique way of doing it. Carry a tune necessarily as much as you, you're definitely using your voice on songs. Yes. because my voice is my instrument. I am Fred Schneider. Of course. And what I'm doing, if you have to ask.

Yeah. What are you here to talk about? Because I'm singing. Well, I know you've heard some things about me, some thing in particular. You've heard recordings of it. Yeah. So you've heard that I have a sex tape. Yeah.

Yeah. And in the sex tape, I am having sex with a gorilla. No. No. Okay. You are. Admitting the things that we didn't know about. Wow. Okay.

Because just an audio. What'd you do to it? What'd you do to it? Because we heard what happened. We didn't know if it was a gorilla or a human being. Just admit it. We knew what was happening. I will admit that I told this gorilla, which is a revelation to you all, to play with the shaft and garble the balls.

Got it. Really well done. Thank you. Thank you. I feel lightheaded. I'm sorry I fought you on high-pitched. And then I know what you mean, though. It is because high pitch.

I'm like, he-he-he-he-he. Okay, my turn. Okay, your turn. And I'm going to text the celebrity to Paul. And Paul is going to text me the scandal. Ab-de-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, thanks for finally receipts. responding to my previous text with just you questioning it.

I ask just the question. A completely straightforward, straightforward question that I responded to with a question. Like, when am I going to do this? What could this mean? Yeah. I almost put in someone that I don't think Lauren is incredibly familiar with. Let me try to age down my references a little bit. Um, let's see.

Ava Gardner. No. Ava Gardner. Frank Sinatra was married to her. Um, all right. All right. I mean, I'm looking at this text window like, I'm waiting for my crush. You could always text me, you know.

I want to know who the celebrity is first. I see, honey. Go ahead. Respond to me now. If you dare. If you have the wherewithal, if you have the balls to garble To respond to a text Such as this one, I'm getting three dots

Which tells me, it informs me that Paul is responding And he's typing away With as fast as his little thumbs will take him But unfortunately those thumbs are not fast enough Because I'm forced to fill time while Paul Tex and Lauren is doing what now, I wonder? I'm dealing with something, but it doesn't matter. What are you dealing with?

I'd love to fill time, by it. I'm dealing with scheduling a fitting for my job. Okay. All right, we are ready. Hi, excuse me. Hi. We have questions for you. Yeah, yeah, yes, I know, I know.

I know why you're all here. Do you? I know why you're all here. Obviously, I called this press conference myself. because I wanted to just get into it As the woman that I am We know that That was one movie

Yeah And you're pretending And by the way, we know it's 3pm And you have some place to be I'm just kidding I don't get that Oh sure Yeah

Now I get it Yeah Okay We know every day you do this thing At 3pm We're kidding That's one of your famous We're fucking joking around

Yeah I'm When I start in The Danish woman what is that an unreleased film yes an unreleased film who do you think you are in a redmayne the Danish girl by the way I let's age her down a little bit to fit in in Hollywood I'm a man who's an actor correct yes I have done lots of dramatic films sure yeah and a couple comedic films sure yeah why wouldn't you have I even released a song I don't I don't I

Privately. Privately. Oh, okay. All right. Well, thank you for telling us. Friends and family or? Kind of just within my family. Family plan? My internet community. I'm a little anonymous on there. Interesting. What's your username?

But Snatch 22. Makes sense. There were 21 other butt snatches? Yeah, I kept going butt snatch one, butt snatch two, take it, butthage three, take it, bus snatch four, take it. I played a woman in one movie. Kind of. Kind of.

I mean, yeah, not, yeah, not, you didn't play a woman. You played a person pretending to be a woman. Right. Okay. The reason I called you here, obviously, and I... I'm glad, by the way, you're enunciating, not like that one film. Thank you for it. I do not think that's a good clue.

Well, the character's name. Yeah, I don't think it's a good clue. You knew what I was saying. Yeah. I'm the same age as you. I bet that this person has seen it. I mean, you acted in it. So, yeah, of course you've seen it.

Unless you're like SJP, you don't watch and just like that. My name is Eddie Murphy. What? Are you kidding? What are you trying to do? Wait, I haven't been done dramatic movies. Yes, you're a dream girl. I have done some dramatic movies, but more comedy.

I was saying I've done more dramatic and some comedic. Yes. That's what we said. By the way, you played Norbert if you were Eddie Murphy, and that's more than one woman. And that was an actual one. I'm not Eddie Murphy. I was just doing a joke. Okay.

It's funny. Hey, so I garbled the balls, obviously. That's why you're all here. Of course. But that's not why we're here. We know you did that. Yeah, that's separate. Okay.

I pushed someone down the stairs. No, my God. Did you? Holy shit. You fell down the stairs in that one movie. You fell down the stairs. It looked really bad in that one movie and it actually ended up killing you in that movie. It's another.

Clue, I don't know what's going to help you. I'm a white man. Sure you are. I thank God. Weird declaration, but yes. In this climate, I guess that's something to say. I'm 60 plus. Of course you are.

You absolutely are, yeah. And congratulations on hanging in there. Thank you. I'm 70 plus. Oh, yes. Yeah. I'm 80 plus. Well, or that was an AI image. No, that's not.

I know who you're talking about. You're not that person. No, but I just mean there was an AI image. of me being older. No, I will say you're exactly the age of that person you're talking about. I'm 88. Yeah. That's as many miles per hour as you had to go and back to the future in order to travel through time.

I'm Christopher. You were not in that movie, by the way. I apologize for my colleague. I'm Michael. I'm Michael Douglas. No, you're not. What is with you? No, we didn't say that you got cancer reading pussy.

I'm. You may have, but we didn't say that. What do you want to know about me? Why did you do what you did? Why did you do it? Because I wanted to. You took a nice thing and you made it so gross. I love this chain that everyone's heard about.

And you made a mockery of it. I made, I made, I fucked in a cold stone slab. You did that too? I garbled balls on a cold stone slab. You did that too? You know you were there, but. I sat on a cold stone slab. Yeah.

that could be how it happens if you sit down to do what i took a piss on it yes i mean in a way i came on it no no we're talking about piss look people go into cold stone cream i made a mix in with my piss yes a mixing with your piss in i had hot lemon ice cream is that what you called that's gross you have term for it. Oh, Jesus. And I'm sorry I did that. Well, no, no, no. Okay. But say, like, own it. And say who I? Fill your name.

I want your Oscar revoked for doing this. I Who am I? Very deep. Oh, the star of Congo doesn't know who they are. Oh, wait, no, it's not Congo. Outbreak. I still don't know who I am.

Sphere. I still don't know who I am. Keep naming movies I was in. Keep naming my movies, I say. Of course you played mumbles in Dick Tracy. Keep talking. My name is... You made Robert Evans so mad when you made fun of him in that movie.

Swag the dog. And of course you're... Harvey Keitel. Of course you're a man because it's even in your name. You're going to try to blame this on Harvey Keitel. We all know who you are. Man. Man.

is part of my last name. Look, so is a term for stuff you sweep away on the floor. Brush, man. Look, we know it's 3 p.m. And you have to go watch Judge Wapner. Crumbs, man. You're not listening to me. That guy.

We know you have to definitely watch Judge Wapner. Because I definitely would do that. My name, of course, is, hold on. Dustin. Hoffman. Yes. And what did you do? Host and Dustman.

You're not huffing on Dustman. My name is Dustin Hoffman, and I made a hot lemon mixing at Colston. Creamery. That's all we wanted to hear. Thank you so much. Sorry, I couldn't just say it. Great press conference. Yeah, I got to go.

Wow. Do you want to hang out? Yeah, sure. This was a waste of my time as a reporter. Well, guys, we're out of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anything you want to plug?

I would just like to say Varietopia going back out on the road next month. Yeah. We're going to be in Charleston, South Carolina, Louisville, Kentucky, overland Park, Kansas, St. Louis, Missouri, coming out and see us. I love this show. It's been so much fun doing this. What a fun year of touring, and we're closing it out with these shows. please come see us.

Varietopia.com slash tics. We're begging you. Why do we have to beg you to do this? I don't want to plug any. I'm begging them, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Appreciate that.

Yeah. We're co-begging. I'm not going to plug anything. Okay. You're a fool. I guess I don't want to plug anything either. Come on. All right.

There's comedy, bang, bang, action figures. There you go. The entreaty newer and Italiano Jones ones just came out. Yes, they are something else. Yeah. Get them. All right. We'll see you next week.

We love you. Bye! Our health care system is broken in so many ways. We have a health care system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table. So this season, we'll dive into the challenges head first. while also thinking about how we can find a better way, because we all deserve better. Uncared for Season 3 from Lemonada Media. Available August 6, wherever you get your podcasts.