Threedom - If You Don't Like This, There's The Door

Episode Date: September 4, 2025

Lauren, Paul, and Scott discuss concert tickets, slumber parties, and hats before doing The Cherry Challenge and answering a listener voicemail. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock the THREEMIUM archive on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Freedom! Is there anything worse at a concert? Leave me out of it. Leave me alone if you don't like what I'm doing. I'm just here to watch. Clean the shit out of your ears. If you can't hear what I'm doing, I'm screaming, bud.

I'm yelling at the top of my fucking lungs. I'm screaming, bud. I'm sorry the screaming wasn't quite as loud as you wanted it to be. Oh, you just reminded me there's concert tickets I want to get that went on sale today. What concert? Bell and Sebastian. Oh, yeah. My favorite fan from high school.

school, but I still love them. They went on sale today? I'm excited. Yes, pre-sales today. I have to get online. I only do the just full and total sale. Now, what is pre-sale versus regular sale? Who knows at this point?

I don't even know. The ticket master's always up to something, aren't they? God damn. You know that I had to work the ticket master machine. Oh, at Tower Video. Whoa, that's, oh, wow. That's crazy. Which was just a source of misery for everyone.

Did you have to undergo special training for that or I mean they kind of told you how it worked they told you how it worked but it was it was a very

difficult and weird system right and it was just people got mad all the time because it was

very hard to figure out how it all work there was one guy who knew it backwards and forwards and if he wasn't

there then you had to do it it was also we didn't get paid anything extra for this no no and also

the best part was so you go through this trying to find these seats, blah, blah, blah. It was like, the people are getting frustrated. You're getting frustrated. And then finally, when it's like, okay, we figured it out, here's the seats.

They would hand you a credit card and you would say, it's cash only. What? Why would you not say that before it starts? There was a sign. There was a sign. So you would think people knew, and then you'd go to the end and you go, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. Because you would also forget.

Right. Because it was stupid. Right. Why would it be bad? You put cash into the machine? If you tried to complain, no, we had a cash register. Oh. Yeah.

If you tried to... Put cash into the machine? I thought it was like a machine that you're picking them out on and doing a thing. No, that would have been great. Yeah. It is a computer. Like you'd be on the computer right at your next to the cash register, right? Here's the thing.

There was a computer for you to buy the tickets, but in order to look up the tickets and everything, because this was the mid-90s, there were binders that had seating maps of all... Of all the women you could imagine. Binders of women. Seating maps of every venue in Los Angeles.

Right, yes. That's fucking crazy. So bananas. Yeah. And if you said like, wait, do I get paid extra? Somebody with like the manager would say, well, if you don't like it, there's the door. Such a rude thing to say. It was crazy.

They've wondered why I stole from them If you don't like it, there's the door It's like, okay, okay, corny Part of this job is working another job That you don't get paid for If you don't like that, you can leave I guess I always knew I could leave I always knew quitting was an option

I used to stand in the line for tickets a lot And so you're a ticket boy I was a ticket boy But you would find certain places And you'd have a bad experience with it With employees like you who don't care About getting people's seats Oh my God

And so you... Shots fired. But it was always a... With rude employees like you who don't give a shit. I was trying my best. You were, but I mean, there were... You weren't good at it. Yes, so was it good at it?

There were certain stores that they got... They got great at it. But so there might be a really long line for your services. There would be a long line at any warehouse. Like if there was a big sale, a big concert, you'd be like... I honestly don't... I think if that happened, then they made sure that this guy was... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it would be a big... a Saturday morning, tickets would go on sale at 10 a.m. Yeah. And so you'd find, you'd have to find the right it was usually the where the warehouse. What's a warehouse? Warehouse was a record store. Okay. W-H-E-R-E-H-E-H-E-H-E-H.

That's clever in very 90s. And so you'd have to find... You'd have to find the right one. The two fun things you can do with the word warehouse. It's almost like... Men's warehouse being W-E-A-R. You're going to like the way you look. Almost doesn't even register to me as being wrong because I've seen it so much. Exactly. Wow. But you so you'd have to find

the right one. I remember the warehouse on sunset was great because what they would do is they would, you'd get there early. They would go down the line before tickets went on sale and they would say like, how many tickets are you buying? How many tickets are you buying? So they wouldn't wait for you to get up to the desk and go, how many do you want? And then two and then look up too. They would just have a list of everyone in line in the order and how many tickets they wanted. And then the minute they went on I'll just be like and printing them out, printing them out so that...

That's pretty good. Yeah, they were amazing at it. But then there was this guy at Universal Amphitheater when I would try to get tickets for the K-Rock shows who you'd get there early,

like two hours early, and he treated it like a performance venue where, because he was your gateway to these tickets and he had a captive audience. So he'd be like, all right, ladies and gentlemen, we're here for tickets,

aren't we? Come on, let me hear you. It's like a commercial casting. Wait, you like that better than what I was doing? Don't you feel like it's like... He was faster at least. Saying I'm sorry, I don't know how it works. I don't know what to do.

It made me think of commercial auditions. When you're like in a big group and then the person like holds court telling you what not to do and what to do. Oh, so it can be very condescending. I'm curious if at the time... Bikers. Because you know how it's how ticket master... What did you think? Ticketmaster.

Like a soft launch of you being vicarious. Remember by Curiosity killed the cat. He just keeps saying something like that. We're like, I think he's trying to tell us to it. There's like, you know, ticket master all these places. Like you're up. There are people scammers and people, not scammers. No, no, scammers, sorry.

The resellers. And how their beliefs. They're priced differently on different websites and all this different things. So was there a uniform, like a standard. price so if that person my point is it would depend on what section you'd get in if they're going to the line preparing themselves to get up print all these tickets out are they're going to say what's your max you'll spend no they would pretty much say okay we're just doing best available we're not like searching for sections and stuff like that if you're here it's for best available

and we're just going to be doing it as fast as we can printing out as many tickets as we can this is boring did you just did you just please excuse me find that your Do you find the door? I just tuned into our podcast. Because you can walk through it, buddy. If you don't like this podcast, there's the door. And yes, that one leads into more of Scott's house. Yeah, I want you to live with me.

That's where you don't like this. If you don't like this. If you don't like this. Janie's out of town. Spend more time with Coolup. Yeah, that would be great, actually. Why don't you stay over here when Janie's out of town? Maybe I should.

We could watch the Evalizer together. Why don't you have a slumber party? What's the last? I don't have any good reason. What's the oldest you were the last slumber party you had? I guess we've been dating. Slumber party? Yeah, with like buddies.

Oh, shit. I don't know. Like, eighth grade maybe? Probably, yeah. I even think seventh was probably too. Oh, I had one more recently than that. I would say I at least know that I had one when I was 30 that was with a cast of a show.

Okay. That's a slumber party. Yeah, that's a slumperperper. That's a bit. Kitchie fun. Yeah, but that's what that is? Yeah. So what's the other version? Like where you really genuinely was like, come over to my house. I want to like, we'll all sleep in the same room. It'll be fun. That's what we did.

I know, but you know what I mean? Like, you're doing it. There's a level of irony to you doing it. Yes, there was a level of irony, yes. You know. I think I only did that once. Really? Yeah. My friend Eric had a, had a sleepover and never had one of my house. and there was like five at your house at all because you had too many siblings

maybe there was too many people in the house yeah I feel like I had a friend who had there were five kids I don't think I ever slept there but she slept at my house it's like did everyone have their own room at your place or did you share rooms oh we shared rooms yeah yeah there were many like different configurations over the years as people got older and moved out and everything because all the slumber parties when I was a young kid like you'd go over and your friend would have their own room. And so you'd like, and an extra bed a lot of times. Yeah.

This, I'm trying to remember because it's the only one I can remember and I don't remember much about it. And I guess we all slept in the living room or some shit or in his bedroom, maybe. There's this, um, Instagram. Maybe you block this out because something terrible happened. Okay. Well, you know what? I don't know if this is where we're going to dive in.

Something terrible did not happen. But I do remember that, uh, my friend's mom was being not flirty with us. Okay. But sort of... Trying to be cool.

Yeah, but she was. Trying to hang out too much? No, she was not trying to hang out too much. She was just there very briefly. But I remember we were, because we looked at some... How old were you eighth grade? I think so.

I think so. Maybe a little bit younger, but that kind of feels like around the right time to me. maybe it was like six or seven A little bit younger now A little bit younger now And so we were looking at some album

That was like Like had a hot lady on the cover or something like that What album could this possibly be? And she was like I could look hotter than that And she But she I remember I remember her showing us They got a Lauren snort

She was like oh yeah she's really pretty right And we're like yeah she's really pretty And it's like what about this? just showed me this Melissa Manchester album She's hot too But she was She's trying to like

See what arouses you? Or she was trying to be like That's fine to think someone's pretty Look at this woman, she's also pretty Yeah Like in my memory It's not It wasn't creepy

It was sort of like Supportive Yeah It was sort of supportive You're into women You like tata's I'll show you another I'll show you another set.

Look at this album. You're some big Matties. When I think about it now, it's like, was that inappropriate? Was that creepy? I think kids or parents or adults in general trying to ever ask questions of like, do you have a girlfriend or do you have a boy? Like, I think that's terrible. That's like tedious. It's also kind of we're moving past that.

It's embarrassing. But I think I think in that scenario, I would say it's kind of inappropriate. I do have a girlfriend. But it's not like wrong. but it's just kind of weird and it's like you don't you just don't need to do it maybe with your own kid if you were just being like supportive of like that's okay to like

think that or something I don't know for me I'm not going to shame you no for me it's very much filed under it was a different time it definitely was you know Melissa Manchester because you're looking at records we're barely out of the 70s you understand we're barely out of the 70s can I just say I saw this Instagram post that was

I saw an Instagram post I wonder if it's the same Okay, I'll narrow it down. It was like 10 slides or more. And each one was a different like 90s bed sheet set. Like, and it said, which one of these are you pissing in? Because they all smelled like piss when you look at the picture. It was like Barney sheets, Ninja Turtles sheets. Like they each were like, oh my God, those are the most pissed in sheets you ever smell.

It was like that comforter that's just like it doesn't have an inside thing. It's just like, you know what I mean? Yeah, I do know what you mean. It would just gain piss over the course of time. It would never get fully washed. And I was sending it to a few friends when we were dying because I was like, I'm pissing at number 11. Like, everyone was like, I know I'm pissing at number four. Which one?

I could smell number two. That's so funny. It was crazy. It was so funny. I could smell it right now. It's horrible. Did you, so can you picture like a novelty sheet set that would make the same of that? Oh, for sure.

Like Star Wars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Original Star Wars sheets. Yeah. With X wings. It's like sweatpants kids. Like at school where you're like, We're sweatpants, kids.

Pissed. Yeah. He pissed. 10 million strong and pissing. You say going? And growing. I should have said pissing. Yeah.

Going would have been happy. I used to eat flintzones vitamins for fun. I ate a bottle of them one time. I used to have a overdose. And my I OD'd on flips those vitamins. Like over the course of a day, I just kept going back in the cabin getting more. They were so good. And my mom never bought them again.

No, I put them in my underwear drawer and I would eat them later. I would hide them. Like you're at a fucking mental insulin. Hiding your medication, pretending you took it. They were so good. But then when you had them... I put them under my tongue and then spit them out.

When you had them later, like when you're a little older, they're like not good. They don't even sweet. It's like very chalky. But as a kid, you're just desperate for him. Hey, sweet chalking from God shocks. Come down and get vitamins in the shape of me.

Chalky! Talking. I'm the mascot in the shape of chalk I see you at night And I don't like what I see God will judge you I wish I knew And I'll be the jury

And I can't kill you Me chalky Hey what's happening with Hegleams 8 It blew up Honestly So people to start talking about it on other podcasts There were some big big podcast

that started. They were like, hey, have you heard of this website? They weren't even doing ads. They just were wanting to share because they really answered. Yeah, they just heard about this incredible website. It was like free publicity for hackclam jade.com. Yeah, it was pretty cool. It was pretty good.

But then a saboteur decided to blow up the website. It was sabotage. And I'm not quite sure how they did it, but they. It was like a little sort of, do remember those guys from Mad? Yeah, the white and the five versus the sky. It was kind of like that, but it was, they didn't look like that, but they were kind of up to similar antics? Was spy or a spy ever funny?

I don't know that it was funny, but it was compelling. I don't know that it was that either, but I, but anytime I hear like, oh, they're making a spy versus spy movie. I'm like, they made a movie of it? Did they ever make the movie or was it just in development all the time? Were they ever even on mad TV? They were on mad TV, those videos. Okay.

All right. That makes sense. Because otherwise it was just a comic strip, right? Yes. There were video cartoons. It was a 1984 video game, I'll tell you that much. written by Michael Reedle. I'll tell you that much.

Readle me this. Well, here's what happened. Spy versus Spine. Hague claims eight was blown up in a controlled explosion. All you can do on it now is leave voicemails. All the other features,

unfortunately, have to be rebuilt. And it's going to take us a series of years to get the resources. It's going to be a series of years. Series of years. I think it's going to be a series of years Oh

He fell down a well If that was the percussion on that song On Rocket Man That's how they started He puts it a track of just claps And then he sings over it And then they go, we'll find the melody We'll figure out the piano part eventually

Then he tells Bernie You have to write some words for this Bernie, I need a poem No, no, no, no, no, Bernie Bernie, I need a poem that repeats Two Rooms two rooms diverged in a wood Two rooms diverged to the yellow wood

One I could not say If I were to enter that's one room Then who would have the hay? A horse would have the hay my dear A horse would have the hay He eats it all day long And then he goes nay, nay, nay, nay Could it convince me it was real until the end there

I wrote a parody of It was real, I heard it. Thank you Whose woods these are by Robert Frost? You wrote a parody? I had to do like a bunch of exercises in middle school where we wrote like different styles of poems, you know, and one of them was a parody of an old one. So I wrote, whose shoes these are, I do not know.

And it was all about how they stank. Did your teacher say this is very funny and clever? She loved it. One of my poems got brought out every year. I remember this. Yeah. Oh, yeah, people are still talking about it. When teaching the glass menagerie,

my teacher would pull out my old poem about the glass menagerie every year, which I just wrote, I guess, for fun. I remember that feeling of when you would get praised like that from a teacher for being clever. Yeah. That it really, it was so validating. I wrote a poem about, hey, I am. I know, it feels so nice. And so blessed teachers can be so amazing.

Yeah. I wrote a poem about leftovers that was like inspired by Shell Silverstein's style. And I remember my teacher saying like, oh, this is like, it could be in a book. A book of the worst poems ever written? Damn it! But I remember, and then she printed it out in like... Book of toilet paper. Oh, I like this one.

That was the terror. Yeah, and that was me farting on it. Oh, okay. After it was torn. Sure. Just making sure. That's how it works. Order of events.

That's how we all go to the bathroom, right? You tear off toilet paper and you farted it. Correct. Exactly. Well, you don't want to embarrass yourself by farting. into the water. I heard the fucking craziest story. Is it a big fart in the bathroom?

Yeah. Did I tell you this already? Oh my God, I got to tell. I'm trying to remember where I heard this. The bathroom. But which bathroom? That somebody thought

when you took a shit. No. That you had to shit into toilet water. and then put that into the... That's so nasty. I don't remember if this was a podcast or a TV show

that I saw. Whoever thought that is... Wow, they really are amazing for sharing that. I would never tell anyone that. You know what? I feel like it was on dough boys. Oh, you know it was.

I'm sure it was one of those sick freaks. They always thought you have to hold on to the poop in a pile of toilet paper and then lay it down. Yeah. Lay gently to rest. What if you have Dio Reyes? Like it's Osama bin Laden. What if you have Diorrea?

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Did I tell you we potty trained over the weekend? Wow. You got it all done in the weekend. Good for you. All done in the weekend. And there were months and months, Emmy had, like, done it about three times. Lifetime?

Over the past, in her lifetime, yeah. Wow. Over the past three months. Stick here to the doctor. No, peed in the potty. And we were like, great job. And we gave her all the praise and all that kind of stuff. And then for the past, like, three or four months,

we've been like, do you want to go in the potty now? And she's, she's been like, nope. Did he use bribery? I got into that. No bribery. I got into that. Our friend uses chocolate, like chocolate chips or something. One friend did M&Ms, and they would get like two MNMs every time.

I was given Hot Wheels cars. I was going, let's celebrate. You remember your potty training? No, with my... Oh, you were giving them? No, but I do remember when I was potty trained, I was given Barbie clothes from the dollar store. I remember I remember sitting on the toilet and receiving a set. Well, you've done it.

Here's your Barbie clothes from the dollar store. I couldn't be more proud. It was great. But then one day last week, Emmy just was, like, ready and was, like, promised that she would the next day. And then she did. And then we were like, you know what? We had plans this weekend.

But let's just stick around the toilet and see if she did. And she just stick around the toilet. We were going to go out and have fun. But, you know, let's just stick around the toilet. Hey, sorry, we can't meet you now. We're going to stick around the toilet. Which we did. And she did great all weekend.

Good for her. Only had one accident, but did everything. It was great. And I was saying, your mother didn't learn how to do this until two years ago because she peed in a parking lot two years ago. Oh, my God. Was that in front of Emmy? Yes. Oh, my God.

And, but yeah, she did great. I mean, she had been some setbacks here and there. But, yeah, we were dreading it. That's very exciting. Yeah. Well, it's dreadful. It's annoying. It's dreadful business.

Yeah. And it feels so overwhelming. A friend of mine was telling me that, uh, they were training their little boy and it went great. But then he decided he's okay now to just piss his pants. Yeah. Wherever he is. It doesn't bother him.

Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't give a shit. He's like that Instagram post. He's like, I'll be pissing on these sheets. I don't give a shit. I'll piss in my sweatpants. Oh, you'll wish I was pissing on the sheets.

Yeah, there is a little bit. of like, can I have a diaper sometimes, you know, instead, like... Oh, that'll keep happening. Yeah. Because I think there's something comforting where they go, I just want to do that. I go, well, I don't want you to. How about that?

What a strange thing. I know. To be like, oh, this feels so much better to be sitting around my own piss. Yeah. I love piss. I know. I love piss. There's definitely like phases with the potty training.

I mean, like, we thought we had nailed it, then we regressed, then we were back. Then we, yeah. So it's, we're now in a great spot, but it's very funny. I mean, obviously, I'm not a parent and I'm not going to lecture you guys, but I would do tub training where I would just have them do everything in the tub. She did it once in the tub, and it was so gross. And she was like cleaning, going back, like, oh, yeah, it's horrible. It's fucking disgusting. Yeah.

By the way, I just noticed the 47 on your hat. Is that your favorite president? I also didn't notice that. That is an unfortunate coincidence for that hat brand. Oh, that, oh, 47. Yes, yes, yeah. Oh, my gosh. So you're wearing a New York Yankees cap, and here's the thing.

It's weird for somebody, I think, to ask somebody who's wearing a Yankees or a Dodgers hat if they are a fan of that team. Because it says a city name. Because both of them, people wear them have, they have. I like how it says L.A. I like how it says N. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I like about it. I would never ask somebody in either of those hats, assume that they were a baseball fan.

And honestly, not to like stereotype, but I just don't think I'm giving up the. No, I mean, even just like, I just think across the board, I'm like, I'd be surprised if I was into it. I could see you. If I saw you someplace, I could, I could buy that you were a baseball fan. All right. Yeah. Thanks. Paul, as a baseball fan, yeah.

I just got a million dollar idea. Oh. Now, you know. Sell a baseball for a million dollars? Yes. Catch it like a home run ball. To whom? To Martin Schrelly?

That's exactly what I thought of. I find that always fascinating when someone catches one of those, you know, hugely important balls and then the pressure that the team in the stadium puts on them to like just give it back or just or they'll go like oh you'll have season tickets if you give us the ball back or whatever and then basically how they try to like get you away from your family so you can't be influenced like come over here yeah because basically you can sell these for millions of dollars oh if it like was like this is the home run that so-and-so hits yes oh wow so when someone catches one in the stadium

they usually try to like separate you from your family and like pressure you of like no no this is very important the player wants the ball back uh will give you free seats all this kind of stuff and then just reading about people going no of course why would you give it back because i think i naturally would because i'd be like confused and i go okay but a third of the people do because if you give a shit about it you know what a momentous thing this is yeah and you would not be thinking of yourself you'd be thinking of this is a like a huge milestone in the career of this player. Oh, so the thought is that the player wants to keep that because it's special to them.

Yeah. And so you're rude if you keep it. Yeah. But part of the whole farm of baseball is like catching a ball that someone... I thought you were kind of saying, though, like, you should keep it because... No. Okay. So that's not cool.

I think if you catch an important ball like that, you should give it back. And I think if you catch a home run or whatever, give it to a kid. You know what I mean? But I have always said that I think that people in the stand should not only be able to catch the balls in the stands, but they should be able to hop the fence and catch them in the field as well. And put on uniform. If the player doesn't catch it right away. Yes.

I think if the player does not catch the ball right away, it goes in between two of the fielders, whatever. Then it's fair game. Whoever gets out there first. Yes. If you are the first person, you can go after that ball. Everybody else has to climb back up. Once you touch the field, everyone else has to climb back up. Yes, yes, yes.

And they should absolutely take the time to do an instant replay and to see who got their first. Yeah. Absolutely. What's an example of a momentous occasion that's not like a home run. Like a home run doesn't matter. You're saying that you can keep that. Yeah, if it's just a run-of-the-mill run.

But if it's somebody's like 500th, you know, home run. So they're basically announcing Kershaw or someone. Five hundred. That's a very high number. in any case here's my idea yeah now paul you're wearing i don't want to necessarily tell tales out of school but you are wearing a fillies and your hat also says 47 that is correct just letting you know well i don't have a problem with i'm not the guy who was trying to make you feel bad okay then okay so you're so scared of him you're going to attack me i'll do whatever i can to stay on

Now, I like your hat. It has a nice corduroy texture. How many hats do you have? I have too many hats. 100? Like baseball caps? I don't know, just in general. Just in general?

Yeah. I think I have five. Five? Yeah. I think I have 20. 20. Just of all types? I probably have 100 hats of all types.

Yeah. And I got rid of a bunch recently. Do you sell your stuff or just donate it? I donate it. Yeah. I should. sell it, but it's pain in the ass. Yeah, like, even like Crossroads or something, you wouldn't even bother.

Oh my, those fucking assholes? Well, they're like, you get $5. There's this, there's this place called Crossroads in L.A. where you can go. It's a chain. Oh, is it nationwide? Oh, okay. Yeah. We, I think we talked about this before because I think I was surprised to discover that. But they are a snooty and they will, you know, look down on your shit.

And they don't explain. There's never like a receipt being like, we gave you this much for this thing. They just kind of, we'll take your bag and they'll go, we bought five items for $20. And you're like, so what were they? and then they just take either give you your bag back or they say they'll donate it for you which to me is like we're all going to dig through it and pick out

this time of course yeah of course yeah so let's have this million dollar idea so you're a fan of the Phillies yes I am but you're also a fan of the LA Dodgers they're my second team they're your second team but you're a fan of both and you'll watch them both right

yeah meh me why can't you have a hat that properly displays your dual fealty to both of these teams no Scott of course I've thought of this and what has been your solution my solution is you have to buy two hats and sew them together

that's what I'm saying they should sell hats that either diagonally or vertically split the teams I feel like I have seen something like this I know I did see one that was Yankees and Mets half and half which I forget who wore it like some politician or something

and people were like you fucking idiot you can't do that a politician can't do that you can't do that you can't but and i'm not talking about your frankenstining these hats you know you're saying i'm sorry mary shelley's frankensteining these hats who was the doctor by the way yes you're saying you are this is a ready-made item that you can buy yes that you go into lids or or any other hat store lids or caps or domes this should be a thing but then do they have every combination of of two different teams? And what if you like three teams? That's insane. They have every combination ever. But here's the thing, because I'm not fans of them equally. Do you know what I mean? Sure. So you could do

a two-thirds Phillies, one-third L.A. You should be able to order this in sections, by sections, by percentages. I'm trying to look up this hat. Look up this hat, please. In any case, I... You're saying in any case a lot lately. So just any old case, you're just happy to say in? Well, there's the door, Paul, if you don't like it. Why don't you see yourself through it? Hey, did I say I didn't like it? You love it, really?

Maybe I do. I'm just pointing it out because I love it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What is, oh, I thought you had like a sort of, like a protection whistle on your key chain there, but it's your key. But it's your key. Why don't you ever, so now we know we can sneak up behind him.

Yeah. And he doesn't have a whistle. He doesn't have a protection whistle. What? Who, me? Yeah. What? I don't have a protection whistle?

No. So we can just... What are you looking at? We can keep it. He's trying to look up this hat idea I have. It's really bad. It exists, right? I've heard of this.

It does exist. They do exist. It doesn't exist. You excited for Halloween? Uh, get it out of here. Look, this looks fucking terrible. That's just ugly. It's also this.

I'd make it look better than that. Who would wear this? It's insane. It's ugly. There's nobody in New York who's like, I'm a fan of both the Yankees and the Mets. How about one day you wear one And the next day you were the other Get over it

You know how should Get over it The two Chicago teams It depends on where you live Right Sox and Cubs Southside Northside But is that the case

With the Mets and the Yankees What was your question? Paul Why do people have allegiance Your phone and get into this I'm trying to help with the content Do people have allegiance to one or the other

Is it about location In New York Is it about location Or is it just about like You get to pick one I would guess It's about location well that was like what borough you grew up i don't want to guess i want someone to know i would guess

well one only paul can guess that what's your guess i they call it the subway series meaning you have to take the subway to get to the ballpark maybe it's proximity to the ballpark but it's not why it's called the subway series it's because you can it's because it's in the same place you're forced to yeah it's like the freeway series you can't you can't go to the game unless you take the subway to them. They won't let you. There are armed guards. You can't even walk up.

Like, no, go back, get on the subway. I don't know. All right. Who knows? We'll never know. We'll never know. And we're not able to look at it. I would think it's like the neighborhood you grew up in.

I would think it's like it's also what your family rooted for. Yeah. Yeah. See, I wonder if you're a native New Yorker. Why are you a fan of the Mets? Are the Mets a newer team? No, try AI mode. They're both equally old.

They're both equally old. The Dodgers used to be in Brooklyn. They moved to Los Angeles. So at one point, I guess they maybe had three teams. Yeah, it's crazy. The Dodgers used to be the Brooklyn Dodgers. Yeah. Why did they move to L.A.?

The 50s or something? The 50s, yeah. Do you think they'll ever tear down Dodger Stadium and redo it? make a different one or that would be wasteful and just keep Dodger Stadium there and throw trash in it they'll probably just destroy some other people's homes

to make a new stadium awful it is crazy how there's no good place for stadiums in L.A. And they keep building up where the forum and so-fi is even though it's a residential neighborhood that you have to drive through

to get to it. And there's so much just empty space here. Yeah. Right. I remember when I lived in Azusa, it was right next to Irwindale. I was an Azusa trooper. It was right next to Irwindale. And I think that there was a giant hole in the ground. And there were all of these new fast food restaurants that popped up.

And they were all new. They had all been built in the last year right next to this giant hole in the ground. And I think this is what I heard, and it may or may not be true, that the Raiders were moving there. And they were building like the Raiders Stadium there. and that's why all these businesses popped up and then the deal fell through and so there were just all these new businesses next to a giant hole in the...

But I mean, people probably came to see that hole, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, it's giant. I kind of want to see it. I want to live by the big hole. I want to live by the great big hole. I want to fall, want to fall in the hole. Is that from Little Mermaid? It is. I've never seen it.

What? Yeah, I've never seen it. I mean, it's too late. It's too late. Oh, you know I would. You should see the new mermaid. The live action. No, I don't like those.

No, I'll see the original. Well, you shouldn't see either of them. It's too late. It's too late. You're too old. If it's too late, you're too old. You wouldn't get it, old-timer. You just won't care.

Do you think? No, I won't care, for sure. I mean, I know the story. It's charming. Do you? Let me see what I know. You're always singing under the sea, too. I do love that song.

I wish I knew more the words than under the sea. Here's what I know about the Little Mermaid. Her name is Ariel She's friends with a crab Ding ding What's the crab's name? Sebastian Okay

There's also a fish Ding Named Fishing Almost The Incredible Mr. Limpit No Almost

It's like the Avengers of Fish Iron Man Ironfish I'm just thinking of a movie That had all the famous fish in it Absolutely It would have Dory, Nemo

The Incredible Mr. Limpit and flounder from the Little Mermaid. What about the flounder? That's who he is. And what about the... I just said it. No, I'm... I know you pointed to me, but for the listener,

it sounded like you were, like, thinking of it on your own. Oh, flounder. No, I never think of anything on my own. That's right. Yeah. You're a puppet. I always acknowledge the team. I'm your puppet.

You're a puppet. Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, what are the other? What about the turtle? Can he be part of it from Finding Nemo? Surf, crash. What's the Australian turtle? No, he's like a surfer dude. He's got a surfer dude voice.

I thought it was Australian, though, because that's where they go to. No, he's not, dude. He's like this. Sounds like that. Oh, okay. I think that was Alan Tudick, I think. They do go to Australia, don't they? I'm not crazy.

Who gives a shit? You're saying some clownfish swims all the way to Australia? So is this what you know about Little Mermaid or are you done with that part? I know. Let me get back to Little Mermaid. Finding Nemo Australia. I don't know Jack's shit about finding Nemo. Yeah.

Yeah, they go to Sydney Harbor, Australia. They go there. There's no way they can make that trip. The turtle lures them into these like fucking fast, like wave tunnels or something. And that's how they ride them all the way of fucking Australia. They would not survive. The whole movie is bullshit. Like a little tiny fish, finding another little tiny fish.

First of all, fish. El degenerous is likable? Fish don't even care about each other. Fish don't care about each other. They really don't. You can kill a friend right in front of that fish. It wouldn't give a shit. Watching March of the Penguins and hearing them like,

oh, they're so concerned with their kids. And then, like, once they're born, they never see them again. It's just such a bummer. It got done. All right, Little Mermaid, Ariel, lives under the sea. Her father is a big deal. Bess Heighton, something like that? King Triton.

King Trey. Ursula, Sea Witch, Octopus Lady. Ding. Yeah. Do you know any of the song she sings? I know she wants to be where the people are.

No. I meant Ursula, but. Oh, Ursula? Poor unfortunate soul. There you go. I knew you knew that one. You know a lot about this.

Yes. Then she wants to go on land. She falls in love. Ding. With this asshole. Mm-hmm. But she goes on land. And Ursula is like,

I can make it so that you have legs, but then you don't have a voice no more. Ding. Yeah. And she's like, fucking sign me up. Yeah. Would you make that trade? No.

Say you. If I were a fish person? I'm not saying you're a fish person. I'm saying your legs have been cut off in like a, some sort of accident with an SUV crashes into your car. Oh my God. And the jaws of life come out. And they're like, we can rip the car door off.

But his legs are attached to the car door. And they go, and you go, rip him off. And then they take your legs off. And then a C-Witch comes up to you and says, I'll give you your legs back. But you. We'll not be able to ever talk again. Meaning no podcasting. You can't even talk on Mike.

If I'm the type of person who's going to say, rip them off, I think they're going for good. Rip him off. Now, I don't know what happens after that. So she goes on land? Do you know that there's a song where... How does she get her voice back? How what's the deal?

Before that, there's a song. where she's on a date. Do you know that song? Is this like, what do you call them shoes or whatever? No, that's part of your world. That's part of your world. I want to go where the people are. But there's a song where all of her friends, Sebastian, flounder, the rest, are all singing because she's...

Wait, who are her other friends? I mean, I know those two. At that point, it's some local animals that are participating. They're not main characters, though. They're not friends, necessarily, but they're in on the song. They're work friends. Um, they, she's on a date with the prince. There's a seagull at some point as well.

Yeah. And they sing a song encouraging her, encouraging him actually, encouraging him to do something to her. Cut her legs off? Rip them off. Kiss the girl. Kiss the girl. Kiss the girl. Shalal la la la la.

Don't be shy. You got to find out of right. You got to kiss the girl. Is this how the song goes where two people are seeing different parts at the same time? Sometimes. There's something about her. Wait, okay. So, hold on, hold on.

Is she on land at this point? Yeah. And she can't talk. The only way she can get her voice back is if he, a prince, true love, she has true love's kiss. True love's kiss. Well, then fine. But how's she's going to get true love if she can't talk. That's how what Ursula thinks.

But guess what she's hot enough that he'll kiss her anyway. Yeah. She's attractive. Yeah. Um, Ursula's mean and I don't know why she does the things that she does. I know. That's the big plot hole in the movie. Anyway, then Ursula uses her voice and she makes herself into a hot babe who has

Where is this true? Yes. I did not know this. She has her voice inside of an amulet. Of course. And she convinces Prince Eric to marry her instead. And then there's disaster. And then she turns back into the sea witch and he understands everything for the first time.

And he's too scared. but then they survive and they end up together and she has legs. Oh, so she does abandon the sea. Yes. To live on land. But her family's supportive. Abandon the sea.

That's weird. I would, I would, I guess I would be, I would try to be happy for my child if they abandoned the species that they were. Like if, okay. To be a different creature. If Emmy grows up one day and says like, hey, I'm going to be a crab from now on.

I guess I would try to be happy for her. Yeah, you have to. You have to. You have to. You just have to. It could be the best crab you can be. Look, she's who she is. I'd be a little worried she'd end up on a plate someday, but, you know.

We all will. Honestly. When our alien overlords come. When we get made into sailing. I wish they would come. I wish they would come. God, please come. Please come aliens.

They don't want anything to do with us. I also watched, in addition to all my movies, I finished the Sandman series. Oh, I, because of the All the stuff going on with it, I decided Even though it's one of my favorite comics, I decide not to Well, here's the thing I felt that way too And then I like I wasn't interested in watching more of it

Because it kind of bummed me out And then I also thought it was It was I didn't realize how I think I didn't realize there was a second season Or how long the second season was And so I'm going through Netflix

And I saw Oh, I haven't seen these episodes and I decided to watch them and then it goes up to, you know, I didn't watch the very last one, which was the death, the high cost of living. But I watched, you know, through the funeral and everything

where he dies and all that. And it was very emotional because I really, that, those comics meant a lot to me. It was a great story, and I reread them, you know, many times. And the adaptation was very faithful to the source material.

and I'm glad I did because it was like it felt like an official goodbye to it you know yeah that's good you know yeah and I was I don't begrudge anyone watching it I just no I just couldn't wrap my mind around the icky feeling of how recently all of this happened yeah I think there was enough of remove of the adaptation right that it made it less like I couldn't go back and read those again

yeah I just couldn't do that I own like such good versions of them me too yeah We were just rereading them during COVID in our comic book club. It's such a bummer. I have an original run. I'm sorry. Yeah. It's a drive.

I'm sorry. We're crying right now. And you're over there. Crying as well. Crying as well. Okay, look, when we come back, we have something, you know what it is. We have another taste test that will not set up. Unless you have your fucking head up your fucking ass, you know what we're going to do next.

Yeah. I can't wait. I hope it's fun and good. All right. We'll be right back. I'm Hassan Minhaj, and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussein Minhaj doesn't know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask.

People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous. Parenting expert, Dr. Becky. How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath? It's a good question. Listen to Hassam Minhash doesn't know. from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

We're back. And once again, I've set up a taste test. This is featuring vintage and unique. Well, do you like it? We're just tasting them. A sampling. It's a tasting. We're doing a flight of soda.

A flight. Okay, sure. Well, we should have corrected that before. Something you should have heard of. I said it. I love that quote. What is that from? Adam Sandler.

She told me that yesterday. That's one of his most famous from wedding singer, I think. So. Take a word for it. Anywho. Let me see if I can find it. I went to Galcos.

I got, these are all black cherry flavors. So it's black cherry soda. Black cherry. Yeah. In the middle of the night. Black velvet. Oh, wait.

Okay. So we have an ad for. This is our good flight music. Just let it be flight music. Okay, now I can skip And we'll be happy here Is this information that would have been helpful yesterday

Now this is a one minute and 55 second clip Just to get to Skip ahead to the last five seconds Okay I guess I can wait Why do they do that? Kids will you're off every weekend Doing wedding gigs at a whopping 60 bucks a pop

Once again things that could have been brought to my attention yesterday I love that okay so here when this time we decided to tell you what they are as we as we drink them much like on Seinfeld why don't you just tell me the name of the movie we're gonna say why don't you just tell me the name of the black cherry soda you're drinking these are all since we don't know what the freak they are anyway and they are all very different colors which I think is worth photographing yeah one the first one we're about to drink is a very light this is called Captain Eli's black cherry pop. I thought was Captain Eo. I was going to get very excited.

The label features a little boy fisherman with a parrot on his arm. Can I see? God damn. I don't like that. Well, take a sip of it, you fucking bitch. I don't like it. Can I see? Can I see?

I don't like it. It looks like cherry seven up. Oh, it's really cherry-smelling. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. medicine. Don't like it.

I hate it. I don't like it. Okay. Okay. The next one we're drinking is... This is a little bit darker hue. A little bit darker hue. You can't set up your own song and then sing.

Americana, black cherry, delicious vintage, sorry. Handcrafted. From lightest to darkest. Okay. You want to switch the wrong order? You want to switch three and four? Well, why don't you switch the order too, dear?

Okay. This is getting really, really agro. Okay. We switched the order. Okay. All right. So, no, what is this one? This is called Americana.

The flavor is black cherry. So is this like... Delicious, vintage, handcrafted... In Glendale themed? Yeah. Huh. A little too sweet. Ugh.

It's like a melted popsicle. Awful. No, thank you to that. No, thanks. Now, this is the one I think you're going to be excited about, which is why I put it forth. But now Paul wants it third because it's lighter in color than the one.

No, it's darker in color, but... Oh, but it's lighter than what is now for. Yes, but it's darker than the previous one. And this is a little more akin to the black cherry color that I'm the custom to. This one is called Boylens. Yes. Whoa. Go crazy.

Since 1891, Boylan's. Scott's favorite flavor from the original Coke Pepsi challenge. No. No. It's very mild. It's too mild for my time. Do you want to, I don't know, what it is about the ratio of, cherry to cola or what?

Yeah, this is, something's weird. Something strange. This is the last one. Now, this one was being pitched as a Halloween beverage at Galco's because they were saying perfect for Halloween. I guess if I was going to a Halloween party, it'd be fun to take a sort of, this is called Spider Venom Cherry Cola. Spider venom, Cherry Cola.

Scary label. By Orca Beverage Inc. Smells good. I'll tell you that. It looks the most like Coke, cherry Coke. This is good. Oh, no. After taste.

Weird aftertaste I like to coming in but Very cough syrupy Yeah This really was my biggest failure None of these are good Here's what's funny

Is that I do not like the taste of black cherry You don't I thought it was a safe bet No I don't like cherry coke I realize That's not black cherry though I don't It's not cherry Coke

This one's called cherry cola I guess the other ones are black cherry I don't like the cherry flavor Do you like cherry pie? Do you like She's my cherry pie? No, of course that I love. But yeah, I don't like

They really don't like cherries. You know what? I feel sick from this. I sometimes would just have cherry pie with ice cream. It's so good. That sounds gross. What?

You sound gross. Do you listen to a voicemail? Do we have time? Yeah, let me find one. Yeah, we slammed through this challenge. Let me find one. It was not a challenge. It was the cherry challenge.

It was the cherry challenge. It was the cherry challenge. How much of this can you stand? Say which one was your favorite. Now, if I had to pick one, I guess I'd go with Boylands, but I don't want to drink it ever again. Boylan's cola is the best flavor that they have. Their ginger ale is okay. You know, you were a good sport considering the second you heard the name of the cherry challenge.

You thought, well, that's disgusting. You know what's disgusting? I could drink four sips of a. Cherry Soda? Thank you for... Thank you for... This is a good one. This is a good.

Cherry Challenge. All right, here we go. I don't feel very good. We're studying your certificate. Here's one of your voicemails. Hey, Threatom gang. This is Jason from Chicago. Hi, Jason.

My question is, do you think you three would have been friends as teenagers in some alternate dimension where you were all the same age? Thanks, love the show. I've listened to every episode multiple times. Thank you, Jason. Thank you, Jason.

Thank you. Very, uh, clean question. I know. In and out. Yeah. I like it. Almost like he had better things to do.

It's a great, what? Almost like he had better things to do than to be talking to us. He reluctantly realized it's in the middle of us. I think that we would be. This is an interesting question. What, here's, you know how you're often friends with people who are doing the same activity as you? Yes. Would we all have been in drama?

I would imagine, right? Yes. I think we probably would have been friends. I feel like we would have been in the same crew. Same clique. Same clique. Lauren, much like nowadays, you would look down on us. Yeah, well, I want to fart in your general direction.

Well, we would have been left back, uh, several years. No, he said we're all the same age. No, we're all the same age. We're all in the same high school. I think we probably would have been doing plays together and stuff. Yeah, for sure. And it would be and yeah, I think so. We probably would have gotten in trouble for like giggling and shit.

Yeah. We would have been spread out in the classroom because if it's by last name, I usually would be in the front like. Oh, that's true. I would be in the middle. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Towards the end. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. I mean, we wouldn't have been in the same homeroom together. Well, we don't know that. Maybe English. Did you guys take? I took English, of course. AP English or? We would not.

But I, I, here's what I remember about seating in school. Mm-hmm. Is that when in homeroom, we were seated in my school, we were seated by, we were seated alphabetically. Mm-hmm. So I went through four years of school with, uh, Nicole Timitimately. in front of me and Pat Toner in back of me The crew

But other classes Names just sound fake Like you're 12 I know It's amazing Pat at your six What? Pat was at your six

That's right And then Oh my God Nicole Timeney had a sister named Eunice Her younger sister Oh that's unfortunate Uyns

It would be kind of Probably Be cool or something I don't know if Eunice Has made a comeback yet It's like anything It can happen Yeah, that's why.

Ais, Eunice. Can you imagine Letterman getting out there going, Eunice, Anus, Eunice, Anus. Yeah, I can now. I can. Yeah, you've painted a vivid portrait. I can picture it. But I think that in other classes, you just grabbed your seat. Partner by the hand.

Alman left. Yeah, I think you just kind of take your seat. We just kind of, we understand you're getting the same seat every day. It wasn't necessarily assigned. I think we were all, other than something like newspaper class. or whatever, where it was a little more freewheeling. I think we were always in alphabetical order for every class I was in. I also worked on the paper.

It was, we took journalism class, but I was, I was. You were one of the people in spotlight on the paper who broke that whole story, right? I was, yes, I was. Yeah, it was the, what, the Chicago Tribune and then you? Yeah, just the Evanstonian. Boston Globe. Evanstonian. And then your high school paper, right?

Evanstonian. I made. Oh, no, that wasn't our name of our paper. That's the name of the town. No, I didn't know if it's a town's paper, if that's the school. paper i forget what ours was too for there was a while there where i made a uh parody newspaper in high school i did that once that's fun and i would make i would make copies by hand i remember this yeah we i we xerox mine i got in trouble for it i remember you got in trouble well you were

arrested yes i did time hard time but you know at least i learned how to pave a road working on a chain gang as an experience you bond with all of the other gentlemen learned how to pave a road Is that come in handy since? Oh, yeah, I paved every single road around this neighborhood. Our roads are bad right now. I know. But you know what? A big shout out to...

Here in Los Angeles. Here in Los Angeles. I'll be driving down Griffith Park Boulevard right now, or Los Felas. And there will be a pothole that I'll drive into like two days in a row. And then the third day, it's paved over. Wow. Really? Yeah.

And these are bad potholes. That's pretty good. that almost ruin your car. Griffith Park Boulevard is people drive like maniacs so I can see why that would be a priority. Yeah. Because the accidents would be so bad. And then it would stop so much traffic. That I had my car for three days and then ran into a pothole after the rains.

That's right. We heard about this. It was after freedom. Yeah. Yeah. You tried to get home and you couldn't. I ran into it on the way to freedom and it was raining. God, my car.

It was miserable all around. My car broke down. You had to come here. on the freeway. I had to record for three hours. After a wedding, there was a torrential rain. I'm 18 or 19 at this point. There's a torrential rain.

And my car just stops in the freeway. What? And I had to pull it over to the middle. Mix them all together. What do you got? That actually is not bad. Let's do a suicide. Yeah.

So I had to pull it over. And then they come out, you know, and it's hundreds of dollars for something to come out, which is such a bummer. And they come out and they go, oh, your car's too wet. Your engine got too wet. That doesn't seem possible. They're like, let it dry off and it'll start again. Take a sip of your mixed mixture.

All right. Yeah. Did you put your car in a bowl of rice? Thank you for listening. This is actually not bad. We'll be back next week. And until then, here's a cherry suicide. So here's what you have to do.

You have to buy all four of these brands and then mix them together. And then it's fine. And then it's fine. It is better. Yeah. Hey, Jason, thanks so much for your voice mail. If you have one, head over to hagclaims8.com. That's right.

And that's going to be it for us. And we hope that you, honestly, we hope you have a great week and nothing bad happens to you this week. Yeah, I'll go sign. Yeah. Awesome. And if something bad does happen to you. We were not the ones that made it happen. Remember that.

We were on your side. We wanted good things for you. We love you. All right. Papa just wants what's best for you. Papa just wants to see you through. Goodbye. Bye.

Our health care system is broken in so many ways. We have a health care system that's supposed to be taking care of people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table. So this season, we'll dive into the challenges head first. We'll also thinking about how. we can find a better way, because we all deserve better. Uncared for Season 3 from Lemonada Media. Available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Lena Waithe.

Legacy Talk is my love letter to black storytellers, artists who've changed the game and paved the way for so many of us. This season, I'm sitting down with icons like Felicia Rashad, Loretta Vine, Eva Du René, and more. We're talking about their journeys, their creatives, their creatives, creative process and the legacies they're building every single day. Come be a part of the conversation. Season two drops July 29th. Listen to Legacy Talk wherever you get your podcast or watch us on YouTube.