Threedom - If You Listen to This, It's Your Fault

Episode Date: September 17, 2026

IT'S EPISODE 300! Lauren, Paul, and Scott discuss fear, Wheel of Fortune, answer listener voicemails and do a taste test. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.com Follow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA. Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.com Grab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/shop Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lemonada. Hey everyone, I'm Dr. Michael Bruce the Sleep Doctor. I've spent decades studying sleep, counseling thousands of patients, and giving loads of lectures. But there's always more to learn in the world of sleep science, especially right now. That's why I started a podcast, Better In Bed, with the Sleep Doctor. In each episode, I leave you with the tools you need to improve your sleep, which in turn will change your entire life. Whether you're entering menopause, trying to get your kid down for a nap, or overwhelmed by

which sleep supplements are worth your money. My guests and I are here to help you sleep better. From Lemonada Media and Sleep Doctor, Better in Bed with the Sleep Doctor is out now. Subscribe on YouTube or follow wherever you get your podcast. I'm Zasha Mamet. You might know me from the show Girls. I've been a horsegirl since I was six. Not a phase, definitely not ironic. I will talk about horses until the people around me start to worry. So I made a show about that feeling. It's called OMG Obsessed. And every week, I sit down with one of my favorite people and ask what's your horse what's the thing you cannot shut up about so come be an obsessive with me omg obsessed is out now follow wherever you get your podcasts

three oh fuck it up you did do it do it na na nah nah nah nah nah nah nah hey i'm bucked up again wow how'd you do that okay we made an agreement that we would say three dumb three dumb three And then... And then you said, remember, we're going to say that. And Paul said, yeah, I remember. And then he didn't remember. Can I tell you what happened? One second later.

Can I tell you what happened? Yeah. Can I please defend myself? You already said yes. Please let me defend myself. Sure. Go ahead. Okay.

Will you guys let me explain? Paul. If you don't explain now. You sound like Emmy who constantly says, can I tell you something? Because she's trying to figure out something to tell us to stall. Can I tell you something? What was she trying to stall for? To figure out something to say.

Just to figure out something to say. It's like you on every podcast. Well, that's it. Euraboros. Hey, shut up. The presence of the video. Yeah.

Lauren did without. Oh, that we finish her video camera. It was somebody. But the presence of the video, I think, threw me off. You then became a performer. Yeah.

I'm really sorry about that. No, no, no, no. I want to take culpability on that one. I don't give you copability. I made you mess up. I don't take your culpability. Okay, thank you. It was on me.

I do think that's an interesting acting choice of, oh, cameras are going to be on me? Oh, okay. I'm going to forget anything that I thought of beforehand. I'm going to suddenly play to those. She likes to do plays. Did you consider this a performance? I consider the podcast.

The yelling of three to three to three thousand. I mean, it's not that much different than you being in a, and there will be blood or something like that. I guess that's true. Same amount of time. And you drink the milkshake in that, didn't you? And did it give you... I drink your milkshake area.

Would it have been funny in that movie if you just had a milkshake with a big, like, crazy straw in the background? Can I say something that's funny? Ooh! Is that while he was doing that scene, I was drinking his milkshake. What? Because that scene was coming up and he was like, I, that's making me water milkshake. And so they brought in, I bought a milkshake truck for... Milkshake truck.

So when someone's being method... We regret to reporting the milkshake truck is racist. When someone's being method... Yes. Can they be like, I'll have some funyuns. Can he say anything to Crafty? You got to be like, what are these? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I have the Frito. What are they twirls? What do you call those cones? Twists. Twis. Twis. Twis. Twis.

Twis. Twis. Twis. What do you call Frito twist? What's a Frito twist? I don't fucking know. They were like too silly and they were really hard. Yeah, yeah.

And they're honey and barbecue. Actually, give me that right now. You know what? I was against it. Now I'm for it. Bring it on down to Rappingville. That's something that I said. I think about that all the time.

Do you really? I want to sing it all the time. Anytime you want something, you say bring it on down to whatever. Yes, and I think, and I want to say Rappingville, and I feel like I want to do it and I always think no one's going to know I'm talking about. Wait, why do you say Rappingville? Because it was the sketch from S&L where bringing on down to Rappingville. Was it wrapping? It was several things.

They did it many times. Oh, okay. Oh, it was a Christmas edition. The only one I recall. There you go. I remember it was a breakfast one when I saw it on down. What was the breakfast one? Breakfastville? I don't fucking remember.

Oh, okay, it was Blankville, yeah, and they would change it. Rappinville. Rappinville. Rappinville. Bringing down to Rappinville. I think I must have heard the other one, like the Christmas ones. I wish I could know what the other one is. I wish I could know. Just blank is all we get.

Welcome to Freedom Episode 300. We did it. We did it. People said we couldn't. We're doing it. We're in the process of doing it. We haven't done it yet. It could still fall apart.

Everything could go wrong. But the mere facts, I mean, it could end right. now at four minutes and whatever. It can be whatever length we want. Yeah. Oh, that's true. That's what she said. Well, we'll see you next week.

It can be whatever length we want. And I want it big. That would be an interesting sex conversation. Hey, look. Your penis can be any length we want. Let's go for as big as it can be. Just once. Okay, okay.

Keep going, keep going. Stop. What is freedom? Freedom. I think you're caught up. Freedom is a podcast. I'm Scott. I don't we have that ability.

My name's Scott. My name's Lauren. My name is Paul. And we're three friends who do a podcast together. We are. All you need to know. And I was having a memory today

that I don't think I... Oh, no, I did too. Oh, God, it was crazy. Just going back in time to a time. It's like your brain is a time machine. Yeah. You went to the womb? It's like your brain is a time machine.

It's like your brain is Marty McFly. The brain gets to you anyway you want to go. Think about the moon. Think about the body as a magical vessel. And the brain is a time machine. Your brain is the, is Martin McFlying. Your head is the time machine. Your skull is the time machine.

Your brain is Marty McFly and your head is a time machine. Your skull is. We are them freedom boys. We are the pretzel gang. We are sometimes called the crocodile crew. A we, a wow. We'll. We have been doing this for how long?

2018. When did we start doing this shit? You know, it's crazy. You know, it's crazy. You know, it feels like we've been doing it nonstop, and yet other podcasts get to 300 in, like, way less time. Yeah. But they're doing two a week now.

People are throwing out all kinds. People are nuts these days. They're going crazy nowadays. Come on. But the story I was going to tell you, and I don't think I've told it on the show, it might have happened in the hiatus. It might not have. I have no sense of time, and I don't, I'm not a being in the universe in that way.

But I was driving down the street. across, it's a four-lane, you know, busy street right near a highway entrance, very busy. Yes. And I, this woman started crossing, like, jaywalking across the lanes. Uh-huh. And she was, she seemed, she seemed sane. She had long blonde hair. She was wearing all black.

She had a purse. And she just crossing the street. I thought you could say a percy tail. She had a percy tail. By the way, our first episode was... It's a ponytail purse. Our first episode was eight and a half years ago. Wow.

No way. Is he kidding me? It was March 30, 2018. That's insane. Wow, I still live in my parents' house. No, I'm really... So did I. I know the pandemic years

make everything so weird, but I'm like, that being that long ago is crazy. Yeah, yeah. I'm, yeah, I mean, if we were only doing... If we did 50 episodes a year, we should be on 400. So it's not that weird. We're close.

Closer now to 2028 than the first episode of Freedom was to the dinosaurs. Yeah. Wow. You know what it is? I think a smart list has like 800 episodes already, but they've been out last time than us. And so that confused me. Yeah. Okay.

Anyways, I was driving on the street. So you're driving. I'm driving. I'm normal. Toot, two, room, broom, broom. I'm brake. I'm gas. I'm...

Normal. Everything normal. Normal driving. Everything normal. You drive. I'm a brake. I'm gas. I imitate a snake.

If you live at the DMV. and you work there and you do everything there. Shout out to you guys. Shout out to you guys. But Lauren's doing nothing out of the ordinary. Everything I'm doing normal for the DMC. And this woman's walking across, Jay walking across too, a busy street. But it's fine.

It's just me going. There's nobody else really around. And I had this thought that she was going to do something weird, but I, my brain does that about everything. I have like intrusive thoughts, you know, where I'm like, oh. But I think like, I go like, someone's going to do something. You are intrusive thoughts if they were a person. I think so. But I always think something fucked up is about to just, it could happen right now.

Pardon my humor. Which is good for defensive driving. I love to see her on the mouth. And she literally, she's walking normally. She's walking normally. Everything's normal so far. It almost feels like a dream that this, this is real. It was just a dream.

If at the end of this, nothing happened. No. And it felt like a dream. It was so beautiful. She crossed the street. She like curtsy in the middle of the, she's walking. She didn't, she might have glanced to my car just like making sure there was enough space.

There was plenty of room. She then jumps back in the street. She goes, ha! Like sticks her arms out like, like a joker. No. And goes, like back towards your car?

Yes. And her hair goes crazy. She's like, ha. And I was like, and then she just like smiled and walked off. It was crazy. It like made everything that I think could happen feel like so real. Like I was like that that's the kind of thing I would think would happen and I did.

And it was so odd. And it was just. bizarre. It made me so scared. I was so unsettled for like a day. You should have known when you saw that she had a percy tail. Something's up with there. She's got her coins in there. Do you think she recognized you and it was like, let's give her a thrill? No, she's insane and I was too far away for anything to even be. So like a legitimately insane person, but because of the way she was dressed, you'd. I think had to be. I don't know who you can't be not having a problem if you're doing that. I mean, unless she's just trying to fuck with someone. That feeling of, especially if you're

walking and you see somebody coming towards you and you can tell from a distance, oh boy. Yeah. Yeah. What that? I cross something's going on. Oh, no. Yes. I now fully cross the street if that happens because they, what is that the whatever

of fear? What's that book? The gift of fear. It's like if I ever get the gift of fear, I go like, I act on it now. If I feel like, huh, I'm feeling like I'm in a weird situation. I will just take off running. That happened to me recently trying to walk back from a place too much. my house where suddenly I heard a footstep behind me on a street where there were no lights.

And just, yeah, just like, he just heard cluck. It was, it was just, it was a peg leg. Could you imagine? And I just, I was like, I don't care how this looks. I just am going to run. And I ran all the way up the hill to my place. That's how I'd always feel going into my basement growing up. Mm.

I just like, yeah, yeah, run out of there. I remember, was there someplace where it's like, the, the, the, the, the, the, was some basement. It wasn't our house. I can't remember where this was. But the light, but it was some place that I had to go to a lot, like either a friend's house

or relatives house or something. There was a light on the... Over the Francoside place. That's what... Yeah. Oh, Tim Curry. Shout out to you. Rest and peace.

We lost a lot of good ones. Yeah, we did. Right in a row. In one week. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's been. Yeah, it's been.

Um, but the the thing was like, you couldn't turn out the light from the top so you had to like turn out the light at the bottom of the stairs and then fucking run up there yeah because now it's scary could you leave the door open to get some sort of light in there yeah but still yeah you still had to run yeah yeah wow yeah I think you're right though because I think they're I used to kind of and sometimes I still have this a little bit where it's like the mentality of if I'm completely calm and I'm just aware of everything then I can walk through this uncomfortable situation or whatever

and I'll just be fine yeah or like I don't want to look weird or I don't want to look, I don't want to look, I don't want to look, judgmental about whatever this person's thing is or whatever. So I'm just going to, disgusting disease. Yeah, so I'm going to be cool or whatever. It's like, no, just, just cross the street, run away. Who cares? You know what's funny? I, there's this woman, uh, there's a, a food truck that I was at the other day and this woman, unhoused woman was trying to buy some food on her, like, card and then it was declined and then she was walking away, but then I, I bought her food bragging.

And the guy... The guy seemed... I mean, and I'm happy to do that. I don't even care if the circumstances weird. I don't care. And we're happy to listen to you talk about doing it. And that's nice. I'm not trying to be, you know, whatever.

I'm just saying. But then I just had this thought that like the guy in the truck seemed really not enthused about me doing that. Oh, because the guy in the truck seemed not enthused. But also she should do it every day. Well, it's similar to... Fuck, what I would do. I gave $100,000 to charity just yesterday.

Oh, yeah. No, see, I was not trying to do that. And I was like, I'm saying, huh, this charity is like. It's okay to say once in a while that you did a nice thing. It's okay. I don't tell you every nice thing I've ever done. I've donated both my kidneys in one of my eyes. Okay.

Just Leah Gomez. What? No, she, oh, I thought she gave a kidding. No, she got a game. No, she received one. There's, anyway, who cares? That's pop culture. We don't, we don't care about pop culture.

I'm not trying to be. Can you. I just acknowledge that I'm not a gross person for saying I bought someone a meal. Why are you looking at me? The guy collecting pens. I did not get you a single, hard time. Okay, great. Can I...

Can I... Can I... Can I... Can I... What are you doing? I'm looking for good pens. Testing and throwing out. Well, all of these so far have, like, worn down nubbins.

I love to throw out old pens. If they still work, though, keep them. If they still work, of course, I'm going to keep them. I don't care about the worn down nubbs. I know you don't. Look at this. It really is beautiful. I love to throw out, I love to test

markers and pens and throw out the bad ones and throw out broken crayons. The writing. I love it when I finish a product and I can throw out the bottle. Writing with a, with a Sharpie that's running out of dump. You know what?

I should live there. Did you ever find out what Oscar Grouts' fucking problem is? I don't know, man. He lives in a garbage can. It stinks. Everyone's rude. I never fucking.

He's not rude. Everyone is not rude. He's rude. He chooses to live in a garbage can. He has a worm named stinky. He likes it. He likes being that way. Okay, we don't know. That shows children that it's okay to be in a bad mood sometimes, Paul. He's in a bad mood all the time. Look at the mirror, Paul. You haven't said one happy thing this whole hour. Am I a grouch? Yes. You're Oscar the Grouch. Am I Oscar the Grouch? Who if Gruchkins? No. Hey, I have an update on something that we talked about in a previous episode.

I do too. This is a mini update. Okay, you have a miniature update? It happened earlier in the maximum update. Oh, okay. I said, when you said the gift of fear, I said under my breath written by Gavin McKinnis. I know that's not true. No, Gavin.

It's Gavin something. It's not Gavin. Gavin's from red dead retention. I said that as a joke. Nobody heard it. But I know people are listening to this who could hear it. Sometimes. So that's an update on something that just happened.

Well, that's like when me and Mike, like, he'll leave the room. I'll be like, fuck you. And then I'm like, I said, fuck you. You were supposed to hear it. You didn't hear it. It looks like I'm just being mean now, even if nobody heard it. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's why I say, I say fuck you under my breath.

It's like, it's like a joke. Like, we're doing a bit and then he's gone. And I'm like, you didn't hear me. I was just saying a bit. And I said, fuck you. My wife on our sweet tweet. Fuck you, Lord. I'm also really sweet to him too.

Fuck you, Lord. Fuck you suck. Go fuck. Go fuck yourself. Fuck yourself. Fuck yourself. Fuck yourself. What you just go fuck yourself.

I wish we would just go fuck yourself. Okay, so I waited our entire break to tell you this. No, actually, it just happened to me a few days ago. But on a previous episode, we discussed that my doctor was no longer putting his finger up my asshole. I'm so glad we got into that, by the way. I am too. Because I love to think about that. Mm-hmm.

And somebody stopped doing it, so I'm sad. And women only knew how hard it is from it. Well, we had a whole big discussion about he did, he did my yearly physical. Asshole check. And didn't do it in and you were sad. Well, I wasn't sad necessarily as we stuck your ass out like, hey. What is it stinky? What about you?

Forgetting something. You're underwurst down. You talk with your butt. Don't you want to put your finger in there? You guys are maybe forgetting, but we had a big discussion about, is that not something to be done anymore? Something to be done.

So I went for my yearly physical the other day. Wow, a year is past. A year has passed since then. And he put on the gloves. Oh, shit. And I went, okay. I went, okay, here, like, obviously he just, I guess he forgot last time or something.

But then he saw me, looking at the gloves and he said what you scared boy first time and he said oh my my friend who i did a physical for recently said hey why are you putting on the gloves if you don't do that test anymore and i said well you know i still put on the gloves to be sanitary yeah i'm a fucking doctor yeah and i said okay i have to ask you then so you're not doing the test i was talking about this on one of my shows and the listeners need an update. Well, because I heard it's a blood test now. I said, why are you not doing this anymore?

Yeah. And he said, okay, because in my 35 years of being a doctor, I've never once felt something good in there. No, I said, no, I've never once felt been able to feel cancer. Cancer. It's got to be like a big. Right. A big thing.

That's crazy. But that's insane that he never once felt that. He goes, I've never felt it. There is a, I think. think it's PCA or PSA test, which now screams for it more effectively. Please. Oh, boy. Hold on.

Pucker. Pucker. Hold on. Hold on. Please, pucker, Sue asshole. Um, and, and so, and he has, he himself has had prostate cancer. Ah. And, uh, see that coming.

And it did, like that. And it wasn't the way that he was. No, exactly. So, so, so he has. phased it out, although he says half of his patients still request it as a precautionary measure. And I nodded slowly and said precautionary measure. Well, I understand that because you're like, well, if you're not going to do it, how am I going to know? But I did read that it was a blood test possibly now.

Yes. So they screen for it in, yes. So they took a bunch of blood. Well, here's what makes sense to me. Yeah. Out of your asshole? I basically just wipe my ass and said, will this blood do? Oh, God.

So we take three months off. Has it been that long? And it feels like nothing, Jane. All right. All right. You put the pens back. What were you going to say? Are you happy now?

What makes sense to you, dear? Well, if there's a finger in there, then cancer can't get in there. Yeah, that's why you should keep a finger in all the time. So you're buying yourself some time. Yeah. So I used it on your thumb when you watch TV. Yeah. All right, look.

This is episode 300, but we have to take a break. No! If you listen to this, it's your fault. I love finding those pieces that become staples in my closet. The things I reach for constantly because they're comfortable, versatile, and just make getting dressed easier. That's what Quince does really well. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere,

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CementMobile.com Hey, everyone. I'm Dr. Michael Bruce, the Sleep Doctor. I've spent decades studying sleep, counseling thousands of patients and giving loads of lectures. But there's always more to learn in the world of sleep science, especially right now. That's why I started a podcast, Better in Bed, with the Sleep Doctor. In each episode, I leave you with the tools you need to improve your sleep, which in turn will change your entire life. Whether you're entering menopause, trying to get your kid down for a nap, or overwhelmed by which sleep supplements are worth your money.

My guests and I are here to help you sleep better. From Lemonada Media and Sleep Doctor, Better in Bed with the Sleep Doctor is out now. Subscribe on YouTube or follow wherever you get your podcast. And we're back, and Paul is just completing his... organization of all of my marking pens. Only I know where the good ones are. Where are they? Where are they?

Wouldn't you like to know? Yeah, where are they? They're right here. Oh, cool. It's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. I organized all my makeup this week. Wow.

It was a big to do. From pretty to clown? Yes. I have so many products. I love to buy products. Like what's something that you buy even though you already have enough of it? Like do you go? Oh my God.

Because like I'll buy like nothing. I need everything. I buy. Like I'll buy. I mean that's like, like I feel like okay, comic books, there, you're not buying the same one over and over. Like I'm buying different blushes, different eyeshadows. They're not the same.

But I am like, those serve different purposes. But then when I actually dump it all out and put it on the floor and go like, oh my God. I have eight of this particular thing. I'm like this is not even the same product, but just they're all the same idea. I don't need this many of everything. and I bought a storage system with drawers and it was really satisfying and it was just really fun.

I love to do that but I actually love to do it for other people more than myself and I'll let something get out of hand in my own home and then I'm like, all right. But if I go to my friend's houses and organize their stuff and I find it very satisfying. Cool. And I can get rid of other people's stuff really easily.

But going through my stuff that I have all these face tools that are like bullshit stuff that doesn't do anything but I'm like, but it was $100. You feel bad throwing stuff out. I know. You know. I just throw my money or a trash.

I feel, honestly, I feel like that sometimes. Wasn't there a commercial where, like, you, it's like people throwing groceries into the trash when there's, when there's just like dollars going into the trash? Mm. Because you. I wouldn't do either of those. When you throw out, like, old lettuce that you didn't eat in time. I never throw out an old grocery.

You just keep it in your refrigerator? They're all still in there. I bought them. I pay for that. I do that with vegetables a lot where I will miss the window. Mm-hmm. And then I have to throw it out. And I'm like, so I just literally threw five dollars in the time.

We've been pretty good about that. honestly me and Janie between the two of us like we get I feel like we get more out of our groceries than we don't do you want to get better at that I want to get better at that I can over buy bananas are a thing yeah it's like we did it again we bought too many bananas they're disgusting we well even it's not even too many but just like sometimes a bunch of bananas we'll just have it and not eat any of you should separate them keep it I have two theories oh you should put the same thing? You should put them together or separate.

Exactly. Well, because I remember hearing that if you separate them, they last longer. But then there's something about that plastic that's on the top of the thing. I think that keeps fruit flies away or something. It does? Oh, interesting. I didn't know that. I just thought it was like more unnecessary.

I thought it was decorative. Yeah. I thought it was a little condom. A little condom. Interesting. A little hat. I was with some like a couple eating out recently. Were you?

And they have a child. And we boxed up Emmy, like Emmy, you know, once. You box her in a box? We put her in a box. That's silly. What is this? Prophet? The TV show?

Sissiven N? Sissivan. But we, you know, she always has mac and cheese and we, and she only eats half. And so we boxed it up. That's good she eats it out in the restaurant. My kids, it's a torture. Trying to get them to eat. In a restaurant.

Yeah. But she has half, but she has half, but. But we're always like, oh, good. We don't have to make mac and cheese tomorrow or whatever. We have some pre-made mac and cheese. But we were with a couple and they were like, and we said, oh, do you need a box for years? And they're like, eh, we don't really do leftovers. They'll never eat it.

And it's just like a, yeah, they just don't like it'll sit there and their refrigerator. Because it's annoying to bring it back. But I feel like I try. I love to take home enough leftovers. But there's certain things that you bring home and you're like, well, this isn't good anymore. It's like it's not the same as when it was in the restaurant. It's like, you know it looks gross. Some things don't travel well.

Jane's favorite food is leftovers. Just categorically. Just whatever it is. Yes. We go out to dinner and the next day. Like, she'll have it for breakfast. She should make a restaurant called leftovers. I have suggested that to her.

And it's whatever yesterday, whatever was not eaten the day before. First day of business, nobody can come in. They're just cooking. And you're just cooking. And putting it in the fridge and kind of breaking it up into weird chunks. Yeah. And so, like the staff is maybe eating whatever they need. You go there for breakfast and it's like spaghetti.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. I love spaghetti for breakfast. Like a pasta for breakfast. I got into that when I was pregnant. I was like anything goes. I love that.

And then it became like, it's fine to eat that now. Amihas has requested some things for breakfast that I immediately sort of my, I guess, upbringing, I bristle at. And I go like, that's not a breakfast thing, you know. Yeah. And then I just go, why the fish? She wants to eat something. I know. That's great. Yeah. Let's just whatever you want to

I want to clarify. I'm not talking about eating a big bowl of like tomato pot like sauce. I'm not doing that. What do you mean then? I'm talking more of a, oh just Ross spaghetti. Crunching into it. I just want to clarify. Cricket in a fistful crunchy sticks. No, but there's like there's like types of pasta that I would put in this category and it's like carbonara or like katio pepe. That sounds good because that is egg. eggs and milk wait what do you buy

too much of in retrospect or you go like when you're organizing and you're like oh my God why do I have well I don't want to talk

about my other show but I am watching all my blu-rays on my other show and realizing that it would if I only watch two a week it would take me 20 years to get through

kind of makes me go like well things that make you go hmm but I but I'm well things that make you go well Well, but yeah.

And you just watched Harold and Mod for the first time. And you just watched Harold and Mod for the first time. Sean did, but I'd seen it before. But yes, anyway. How did that feel? Bad. Yeah. You don't have to pay attention to what I'm doing.

I just saw it as I was scrolling. Have I watched every episode of Stewart saves the universe? He fails. So that's the first thing you got wrong. Did he fail to do it? He fails to do it. Every time. Oh, shit.

Stewart did save his family. Right. Yes. Because you're good enough, smart enough, and dog. people like you. Does young Sheldon show up on that show? I think he's old Sheldon now. Isn't he?

He's like probably 20. I know. But they could do an episode. I mean, if you can go anywhere. A hundred percent. I would, I think that's a great idea.

Young Sheldon, because old Sheldon refused to do it. Like said point blank, no. He doesn't want to do that character anymore from what I've read. Yes. Yes.

You have no inside information. I'm not speaking to him directly about this. However, I think any universe, they're bringing in lots of other characters from different things. Lauren's on a show called Stewart loves his universe.

Oh, no. And it's on HBO Max and people should watch it. We got picked up for a second season. Congratulations. Thank you. I can't we see more of Stewart is the king of queen. Guys, come on. I have been enjoying the show and you are terrific on it.

Thank you. You're welcome. Is that so hard to say, Scott? It's a lot of fun. Scott said it was funny. Yeah. I took that. He didn't say I was good.

Well, I mean, that's implied. If the show is funny, you're such a big part of the show. Thanks. It implies that you contributed to the amount of humor. It's a lot of fun. Your contributions have been noted. Thank you so much. Can I talk about, and I've waited to talk about this.

Can I talk about a television show that I was on? Yes. Called Whel. Yes. Let's. I haven't done to watch your episode yet. I completely forgot to watch it. I've been binging celebrity millionaire.

I need to watch celebrity. Binging it. Watching it all every night. Watching them. That's binging, right? Where are they? Hulu? On Hulu?

Yeah. I mean, they were on ABC, so the season's over. I just noticed that it was out, and so I just started at the beginning. Wow. I had no idea. Look, I love to play a quiz game when I'm laying in bed. Well, we have talked to many times on the show about the fact that Paul and I are not really invited to do these shows all that much. Yeah, it was huge.

Or at all. I got the invite last minute. Uh-huh. Got to say yes. Two days before. I got it two days before. and I said, someone dropped out. I absolutely know someone dropped out.

And then I happened to go over to Casey Wilson's house that night and said, oh, I'm doing Wheel of Fortune on Friday. Someone must have dropped out. And she went, wait, when are you doing it? Friday? Oh, yeah, that was me. That's crazy. Well, who cares?

I'm happy for a last minute ass. Sure. I loved it. And so, and I was like, how the fuck did I get asked to do this? I couldn't quite figure it out. And then when I got there, it was the producer, from after midnight. Yes.

And I said, oh, this, now it suddenly made sense. And she was like, hey, great to see you again. And she goes, I just thought you would be really funny on this. And it was very nice. And so my experience was, first of all, Vanna comes to everyone's trailer to say hi and to meet you, which is very nice. And then they were like, any advice for Scott? And she was like, buy vowels.

And I said, yeah, I was, because I, the night before I'd watched three episodes, just because I used to watch Wheel of Fortune all the time. You have to get into the rhythm. But I had to get into the rhythm again. So I watched three episodes. I watched Darcy's, Darcy Cardys. I didn't. Well, I won, dear.

I watched it back. I know. We had very similar games, I think. Okay, tell me more. Game recognition. I'll accept spoilers now. Okay, so I met Vanna and then what a lot of people don't know is you go and do a practice game beforehand. With kids.

With what? Little kids. With little kids. Yes, they make it easier for you. The hosts are little kids. You're spinning little kids? Yeah, you're spinning. No, the wheel's kind of hard to spin, wouldn't you agree?

The wheel is sort of hard to spin and then just like knowing where the board is, where all the letters is, all that kind of stuff put together. like you should, you all should do a practice game. And in my mind, I was kind of like, it's sort of like when I used to do karaoke competitions, um, in bars where for money, right? Where there'd be like a hundred dollar cash prize or whatever. They would always say,

do you want a practice song, which would be a song that you would do for the crowd before the actual song. And I would always say no because it's like, you don't want to. You're blowing your wad. Yeah, exactly. So I was like, I don't know if I want to do a practice game because I don't want to show.

You don't want to show your skills. Yeah. But it was actually good where I was like, okay, I needed to figure out how to spin the wheel and how to look at the board and all that kind of stuff. So I was glad to do it. But it did teach the other players that I was with how to play the game. Who are you with? So I was with Jordan Sparks and Brett Gilman. Uh-huh.

And neither of them really. One of them in particular during the practice game would spin the wheel and go like, okay? A, like it would be there for, like just searching for any letter. Yeah. So I was just like, okay, God, this, I feel like I'm going to blot. But I then taught them like, okay, ask for a T, ask for an S. And then ask for vowels and all that kind of stuff, which was. You can still smoke, even if they know that.

Yeah. So anyway, this is what I was worried about. I went in there worried. You don't know how to read. I don't know how to read. But you're great at memorizing shapes quickly. Yes. So the shape of an A, I was able to memorize that and say, that's a.

an A. Chris, that's reading. What? Everyone else called that an A. File that information away. But I was worried that I was going to go in either from luck or from

embarrassment, like, not have a good game or not have a... I mean, when people mess up on Wheel of Fortune, those are the funniest videos. Like when someone totally misses the most obvious thing. There's one that I see on Instagram all the time, which is in the butt? No, the one that I just saw that was funny was... Right in the butt. It was T blank E, and then a bunch of letters were put in at the bottom, and it was basically supposed to be the Acropolis.

And the guy goes, Toe Acropolis? I did have one of those. And they're like, the Acropolis. Like, oh. I did have one of those where I was in a situation where I felt like I needed to solve and not cede the power to Brett. Well, because also you don't want to be smoking the whole time. got to let people have a win, you know?

Make it a show. No, although I do have to say that halfway through, uh, people were saying like, hey, let us win. And I said, or you guys already have 30 grand promise to your charity. Let me win. Yeah. Because you guys are only going to win 30 grand or so. Let me.

And Ryan Segris was like, smart. It was like, I see what you're saying. Yeah, that's actually a smart strategy. Yeah. Anyway, but, um, I did have one of those where I tried to solve a tongue twister that I'd never heard up before and I guessed it something and it didn't make sense. and I and that was the one kind of like embarrassing thing where I was like I hope I don't end up on a clip I hope I don't end up a clip but um uh Ryan Crest super nice and actually I was kind of like I wonder what his hosting style is because I've seen like when I went to see the tonight show a friend on the tonight show Jay Leno like they oh yeah they blasted music during the during the commercials and he just sat there staring into space and not talking to my friend on the couch you know and I was like and then other shows that I

that I've seen people on or I've been on like the host kind of never says hi to you or anything like that. Like Ryan Sechrest, super nice and like really wants to chat during the commercials and talk to people. He seems very nice. He was asking me a lot of questions about podcasting and like, so what's your day to day

life like and all this kind of stuff? I was just like, you could just go backstage and not talk to any of us. It was actually very nice. How many do they do in a day? I asked Vana how many days a year she worked and I believe she said 32 or something like that. That's great. That's wild.

Yeah. She told, when I was there, I was with Pat Sejack, which was cool to be on the tail end of that. Sure. But Vanna did, did she do this where she answered questions from the audience? Yes. And someone brought up her tattoo or her daughter's a tattoo artist and did a tattoo on Vana. I thought that was cool. I was just like, wow.

Okay, I'm catching up. Great. Hey, that's great. Hey, that's my memory. What was your tattoo? I don't remember. Pat Sajek's daughter, Maggie, does all the social media, and she was cool. She was very fun.

That was so cute. I loved that. Yeah. So anyway, so I was worried that I wasn't going to have the Wheel of Fortune experience that I wanted to have of like going to the bonus round or winning puzzles and stuff like that. And I'm here to say if you are not. Getting laid. Getting laid at the end of the episode.

In my trailer. I'm here to say that I had. No wheel bunnies. I had the quintessential experience. I made it to both bonus rounds. I got the million dollar wedge. I won that round that I had. had the million dollar wedge on,

which happened to you, right? Yes. I didn't win the million dollars, but it was... I think I did. Something, I got some big thing. You didn't win the million. But I didn't win a million dollars,

but I'm saying. You didn't win a million. I would remember that. But you know where you have the million dollar wedge and you spin and... What an amazing thing to forget. Did I win a million dollars? Did I win a million?

No. It was $106,000. I remember exactly. I ended up winning 187,000. Nice. That's great. For the Trevor Project. which was great. And they surprised me by blowing off the confetti can.

Oh, shit. Right at the end, like in my face. Did you scream? I was like. Yeah, man, you got to tell people. It was very startling. Yes. Those things are louder than you think they are.

Yeah. It's fucking, it's very scary. I got some good swag there. I assume they have the same things. Wheel of Fortune umbrella, the wheel. I did not get that. Oh, and a wheel blanket. Oh, I got that not bad.

Oh, that's a circular blanket that was like the wheel. The umbrella is really a good idea. I did get a, like a cup with a wheel straw or something like. Oh, a cup. Oh, you got a cup. Oh, that's cool. I mean, that's kind of like an umbrella. You hold it high enough.

You can put your favorite drink in there. You could drink that. Yeah. Totally. I love the blanket. It's a circle of the wheel and it's just a little fleece blanket. That's nice. I think I got that.

I don't know. I might have passed it on. But it was very fun and I'm very grateful that they asked me to do it. I love that you got to do it. I also have not yet watched it. I keep forgetting. Should we have a watch party? it right now. I have not watched it. Why haven't you watched it?

I just, I was kind of like, oh, we should watch this with Emmy and then it just never, we haven't done it. Should we watch it together and do a commentary track? Yeah. I'm not sure. So what are you thinking right here? The one. Toa Cropolis. The one, uh, my mom is very confused about how to watch it. Uh, what? A. B. I mean, of all shows. It's not on ABC anymore. It's only on Hulu or Disney Plus. They don't even put it on TV. I, I didn't fucking know that. So that's why. But Jeopardy's still on ABC.

I feel mad about that and yet I don't watch TV that way. But I do feel like I'm mad that it's going away in that way. Because nothing gold can stay. Yeah. Well, no, hold on a second. What happens before Jeopardy now? Oh, no, no, no. It's a flag waving, quote unquote, celebrity wheel of fortune is no longer.

I do beg your pardon. I do beg your pardon. Thank you for regular wheel is on TV. So regular wheel is still happening. And then they shunned it off celebrity. version you got to pay. Yes. So I understand that she was very confused about it.

So that took a long time walking her through how to have her watch the episode. And then- Did you just explain what Hulu was? I said Disney Plus, which it was on Disney Plus. So she was able to do that. And then, you know, I've talked many times about my parents' classic non-compliments. That's right. The feedback I received was, hey, why was your tie-like?

that are you did you gain weight and you can't fit in the shirt anymore and that's so extreme and I just said I thought I looked fine but thanks for watching insane that's insane so hey guys parents parents that's a that's a long dig it's a long dig so why was your time like that was it because you're too fat to wear it the other way shut up yeah not nice not nice not nice But I had a great experience. I would love to do more if anyone's out there casting. Yeah, any other at midnight producers, just remember how I did a thousand episodes of that show and I'm still alive. I love games.

All I care about is games. And yet I haven't played games in a while. I think we'll have fortunate my own by my last. You've done a fair amount of show shows. Unrelated story. I think my hypervigilance now towards scamming led me to believe I was being scammed, a little bit delayed. into a situation that then caused me to have a complete panic and go insane. And then it turned out it wasn't a scam. Was it a show that they were asking to be on? No, no. It was a it was like a

letter I got in the mail about an account. And then I was like, oh, I have to deal with this, which I actually thought it had happened before. And then I was like, I'm just going to deal with this right now. And then I called the number on the letter. And then I was doing all this stuff. And then I went in the middle of the call. Why did I call the number on the letter? I should have called the number on the website. This is a, I'm a rookie idiot. Like, oh my God, my God. And then I was like, I'm too far in.

Oh my God. And then I was like sweating bullets and like trying to like resolve this in all these different ways on like online. And then go talk. My parents talked to a banker was about an account that was not in my name and blah, blah, blah, all this crazy stuff. And then they were like, no, this is real. Okay.

And I was like so. They said it was real. The banker at the place. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Goes, I looked into all this. Everything that happened is. normal, that's all real, that's the right number, da-da-da-da-da-da. Because part of what also,

that part of what freaked me out was that, so when I'm in my panic mode, I googled the number that I called and wrote, is this a scam? And then, of course, it's like, it's a scam, blah, blah, blah. And then I googled it without putting, is this a scam? And it went to the website of the place that I was talking to. Yeah. So I was like, let's slow down. Yeah.

But I think we are in this time now where everyone's trying to scamming all the time. Yes. And it's like, if you don't pay attention, you will. get got and then you're like, okay, wait, I'm trying to do the right thing, but then it wasn't even a scam. Yeah. Did you ever see the movie The Sting? No.

It takes place in the 30s. You ever see B movie where they sting people? Yes. Okay. Does he sing people in B movie? I think he does. That's fucked up. Bees die right after they sting someone, right?

Not all of them. That's the ending of B movie. He stings someone and dies. And his fucking abdomen is torn out. Because it's connecting the stinger. When you think about the sting, 1930s, and it's about con artists, right? there were it was so much work to be a con artist back then there was so much stuff you had to do you had to have props and shit yeah you had to I mean the grifters or the gilded age you had part of what was you had to rent offices yeah you had you know now you just need a phone well because part of when I googled the number and said it's a scam because they can now use the number of the place so that number shows up on your phone but I had called the number I didn't receive the call yeah but it's like that could be a scam if it's coming from them yes so you don't even know if the number you don't even know if the number.

even if it's the correct number is actually the piece. I actually do find it helpful to anything that makes me go, what? I first put it in and say scam, question mark. And 100% of the time it comes back. Yes, this is a common scam that you don't need to be worried about. I know, but it was weird. It was weird because it was kind of leading me down that path when I was Googling, but then also leading me to threads where people were like, no, it's not a scam.

So the conversation was people saying it's not a scam, people suspecting it was and then saying, no, I did all this. and that was all correct and blah-da-da-da. I was very lucky that the first time I got that partyful scam email. Yes. That is still going around. No, the paperless post, right? Paperless post, yeah.

There's so many. I get them from all the time and I'm just like, no. I feel like we talked about it of like we both received one from a person who doesn't email us. And it's also somebody that would. Somebody that was like, this person would never throw a party. Yeah. And then also. And if they did, this is not how they would be expressing it.

I need you at my event. It would make all the difference in the world. Please come to my event. But then there are so many people doing political events. Yeah. You know, like I'm sponsoring. Where they might blast everyone or something. Yeah, yeah.

Like, we're doing one. Yeah, you're blasting everyone. Yeah, I'm blasting everyone. Blasting everyone. I'm flavor blasting everyone. No, but I think it's such an easy one to get to click because you're like a invitation. And if you are. Someone wants me.

If you are close with that person, you would just click it. Yeah. I think that my Wheel of Fortune episode might have been a scam. No. They rented studio space. They created a whole big wheel. wheel. Because I ended up paying for the charity. Wow, that is a scam. They said just loan us the money, the $187,000 you want. And you said, you said, no big deal. I love to give that all the time.

Can you cover it for right now? For right now? Just because we're, we're having banking troubles and we'll pay, we'll pay you back within hours. And we will also, we'll send you some, a nice gift. A nice umbrella, they said, they mentioned. So, um, we have to take a break. Okay. I've been wanting to make our living space feel a bit more finished, and one thing that was missing was a good end table. I found one on Wayfair that was exactly what I didn't even know I was looking for. It's functional, looks great in the space, and it gave me that little finishing touch I felt like the room was missing. That's what I love about Wayfair. I was able to find thousands of products across every style and budget, and the customer photos and reviews made it so much easier for me to narrow things down and find what actually worked for my home.

I also love that Wayfair verified products were hand-vetted by product specialists using a 10-point quality inspection. And with more than 20 million verified five-star reviews, I had so much feedback from other shoppers that helped me feel confident in the choices I made for my home. Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair rewards today and get 5% back on every purchase. Head to Wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair apt for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-I-R.com. Hi, I'm Zasha Mamet. You might know me from the show Girls. I've been a horse girl since I was six. Not a phase, definitely not ironic. I will talk about horses until the people around me start to worry. So I'm at a show about that feeling. It's called OMG Obsessed. And every week, I sit down with one of my favorite people and ask, what's your horse? What's the thing you cannot shut up about? So come be an obsessive with me. OMG Obsessed is out now. Follow wherever you get your podcasts. We're back, and it is our 300 episode.

It is, and we're so excited to be here. And, you know, since this is a special occasion, we are, we're going to listen to some voicemails. Yes. By the way, can I hype that in our next segment we're going to do, it's a very special episode. It is. We're going to do, we're doing an extra long episode for our 300th episode. We're going to do a taste test. People love our taste test.

They love to hear us chew into mics. Yes. Everyone does. We're going to. I'm going to chew under the table. Okay. That's my promise. And I'll just pop up and say what I thought.

We're going to do some candy. Candy competition. Candy competition. Towards the end. Anyway. It's a competition. We decided to do some voicemails, Paul. Yeah, we're going to listen to some voicemails, some well wishes from listeners.

And I mean, well, obviously, if you want to leave us a message, you go to the famous website, had claims a.com. It's so famous. This is one website you don't have to say, is this a scam? It's legit. It's 100% legit. One of the most legitimate. We are so happy to announce on this, our 300th episode, we have apprehended, captured, and put to death, little Richard Shurubi.

Somehow he came back. We got out of the website. We together made sure he was done. A team effort. Yes, we did. If you've seen Halloween with the new one where Jamie Lee Curtis is old, and then she and Judy Greer together, they're fucking 80 steps ahead of Michael Myers.

And they figure out how to get him. That's what we were like. That's what we were doing. And by the way, this started as just a party game we were playing. What's the spoiler? That they got him. Yeah. Big spoiler for Halloween that came out eight years ago.

Michael Myers, he's dead. But this started as a party game. party game. No more of those. I sent out a party full invitation to you guys and you guys came over. And it started as a party game where it was like capture, apprehend or put to death. Yeah. And I brought up little Richard Cherubi and we were like, we should do all three to him. Yeah. Yeah. And so I. Because we did say when we're playing the game, I would like to do all three. Yeah. So I ended up capturing him. What did you do? I, I, I, I, you apprehended him. And I fucked him. Because I thought it was. fuck Mary kill. Oh. So I got confused. Did none of us put him to death? No.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. No, no, no, no, no, no. You were supposed to put him to death, Lauren. Well, I fucked him to death. Whoa. Why didn't you just say so?

Wait, like in a like, oh, I fucked him really good. He had a heart attack. Oh. Wow. Is verified? He's definitely dead. Petrified? Is he verified a petrified?

First of I was afraid. I was. Are you taking it? He's verified on Instagram. Verified petrified. And he was petrified. Okay. He was petrified wood.

Was there a note from mortified? Mortified. He was humiliated that it had happened during six. Was there a coroner's note or anything like that? A coroner came in and sang one note. Hmm. Then just walked out? He didn't sing, he's really most sincerely dead?

How does that go? He's not only really dead. He's really most sincere. Nearly dead. You, did you ever get to play a Wizard of Oz? I never got to play a Wizard of Oz Wizard. I got to be the scarecrow when I was in high school. And then I was Uncle Henry.

Who's that? You know, Dorothy has, He's the one who's not Aunt Em. And E.M. Annie M. And you. And that guy. And I also played a.

And your consort. A very funny. Oz guard that was guarding the the door? The door to That's an important role. Yeah. It's very fun. Why didn't you say so? That's a horse of a different color. I love that. Very fun. I've never played a role in any Wizard of Oz. Yeah. You should

I love to see you in any of them. Dorothy, the witch. Wicked. You could play Wicked. You can play Wicked. I can play Wicked. You can play Wicked. And then Wicked says, and the Wicked goes And then Wicked's like And the Wicked's like And the Wicked's like Don't do that

Anyway we're going to take voicemails So HagclaimsA.com is now Little Richard Shrewby free You can feel free He's dead Supposed to go there Supposedly he's dead

He's mortified And certified Rotten Tomatoes He's gone no I'm I was kidding And we did kill him With a knife We did him with a knife

And we all did It was already an express style We did kind of like That Spider-Man thing where we were all three pointing at different things, but then he's in the middle, we just stabbed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all had knives.

We were pointing with knives. Yeah. You said, at two, three at him. We said, yeah. We said, that's a good reference. So he went out with a smile. Yeah, he was happy to get a compliment right before it was over. All right, but now we would like to play the first voicemail.

These are a lot of people called in to wish us well. So congratulations. And let's hear the first one. Hi, thank you. This is Michael Myers. Oh, hey, Michael Myers. Oh, wait. We were just talking about that.

You were? It's a voicemail. Sorry, I'm talking to my wife. You were? Oh, you're married. Oh, that's so interesting, honey. It's a waste of a voicemail. Anyway, I just had a question for you, Freedom.

It's just like, how do you guys, what's your routine when you get out of the shower in the morning? Do you guys, like, do you dry off first or do you put on your clothes and get them all wet? Okay. Thanks for her. I love you both. Kind of a weird message. Thank you, Michael. Well, for me, I dry off my top half. Put my shirt on. Dry off my bottom hat.

Drive my top hat. Put that on. You take, you give it a shampoo. I always shower with a top hat. Yeah. And I give it a nice shampoo. Yeah. The water must just splash all over in different directions when you do that. It does, which is fun.

Yeah. Because I always, I wanted one of those, those rain shower. you know, sort of the showerheads, but my wife wouldn't let me have one. So wearing the top hat, it creates that effect, although I can't feel it on my head.

Top hats were made. Oh, yeah, tell me about top hats. They were made because people were constantly emptying their bedpans on the street, right? Yeah, that's exactly why. Yeah.

And they wanted to catch it in the brim. Yeah, but the brim is very short. Yeah. So the duky splashes off the top is what happens. It like sort of hits and then ricochets. Now, I, So what I'll do is I'll dry my top half. I'll wet my top hat.

I'll wet my top hat shoes. Oh, you have top hat shoes. Then I'll never dry my bottom half. And you never have. I jump into jeans with my shoes on. Yeah, you're a jean. There's a lot of prep for making those easy to jump into you. So yeah, there is this contraption.

First you take prep. First I take prep. Then there's like a doc. Dr. Seuss sort of contraption that like hold my pants open. It's like two white-gloved, you know. When we say Dr. Seuss-type contraction, like the author would do this kind of thing. 100%. Like Cedar or Geisel.

Yeah. It's not like him. It's like something he would do. It's like something he would do in his personal. In his personal. It's something he would do his personal. Yeah. Something he would do this personal.

And I'll put that on the pants. And then I'll put two top hats on my tits and then. And then you're ready to go. And I draw top hats on my eyelids with my eyelid. Oh, and you're constantly blinking real slow. Show everyone. I get out of the shower and I only dry, I dry one part of my body at a time, whatever I'm going to put clothes on. So I dry one foot off and I put on a sock.

Dry off my pelvis area, put on underwear. So this is a slower method than I am slower. And then when do you do the other sock? It's more granular. The other sock is lost. Yeah. So it's like, May the first be last and may the last be first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then doesn't your pant cuff get wet because the foot is still wet? No, I may. I actually, that's why I wear such wide pants is so that I can just slip right in there. I thought you just liked Jinkos. No, yeah. I mean, I love him, obviously. Yeah.

I thought you were a youth pastor. You're a skater youth pastor. Yeah. I'd love to be. Who wouldn't? Me. A skater and youth pastor? You know where to a skater youth pastor?

You know where a skater youth pastor? Pastor Lord, are you out of your mind? I guess it's pretty chill. Yeah. It's a pretty chill lifestyle. It sounds pretty nice. I'm just looking at the most chill lifestyle. Anyway, I hope that answer your question.

Let's go to the calls. Here we go. Hey, I want to talk to candy cane. Someone wants to talk to candy cane? I've been following you for a while. I know what you did. Lauren, do you have an alias of candy cane? You better put candy cane on the phone.

It's going to be a problem. I don't I don't I want to talk to Katie Kish. Hang up, hang up. Hi, this is Kandakling. Oh, hey, Kittak, how you doing? Hi. What's going on? What's going on?

Oh, wait a minute, is this Chuck? Is Chuck. Chuck up in waiting for you to call you. Chuck in the truck. How did you get this number? From the CB. Oh, it's hackclaims8.com. What?

Yeah, that's where I'm at now. Okay, let's just do another one. This is so weird. He somehow got on the, voicemail from a CB radio? And then someone answered it? He wanted to talk to Candy Cade. He was already leaving a voicemail and the phone got answered.

That's really weird. I don't know. That's what happens. But anyway, Chuck, thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks for listening. Let's go to another call. Here we go.

Hey, guys. My name's Brenda. I live in Chicago. Why is this one so clear? I'm calling from the newest iPhone. Wow. And it's... The one that can take pictures of the moon?

I'm going to just wonder a question and I was wondering if you guys could have any birthday that's not your birthday what birthday would you pick for me I would be June

49th yeah I live it so much and you've saved my life bye what? God, thanks Brenda I hate that we saved her life yeah oh Scott

But the world would be better without her. Oh. So annoying. I think Brenda is... I mean, I love her. I love her. And I think that she is... She's doing her best.

I was thinking about my birthday the other day, actually, about this topic. I was thinking about the birthday, too. About how it's July 2nd. And I was like, I never got to have a birthday when school was in session. And I was like, I don't ever really remember making a huge deal out of my birthday. My mom would make a case. and what have you, but... Darth Vader.

And we would definitely have... Christmas Bell. Parties. I remember we did go to see Superman 2, I believe, on my birthday. Party. But I see Superman 2. But I was like, I wonder if that affected me at all of having an off-season birthday, you know? Mm-hmm.

Well, I am a September baby, and I was in school every year. Except if it was a Saturday. But my birthday sometimes was Labor Day. Yeah. September 6th. And... Would that be a bummer when it was Labor Day? It was more like the school year was just starting.

So like inviting people was more of a like, who am I inviting kind of thing. But I don't remember it being too big of a deal. One thing is that I love the fall. And I always think of my birthday as being in the fall, but it's always hot on my birthday anywhere. And I would like a birthday that was like October for the fall. An October birthday would be so nice. Yeah. So if I can have a birthday.

But September 6 is the best birthday. Why? Because Jay Leno loves it so much. And he does. Or did you love September 5th people? I think it was September 5th. But I was right there. I think a March birthday would be fun, wouldn't it?

I think a March birthday would be great. Let's rank the months. Okay. Let's rank the months of when birthdays would be good in them or just the months in general? No, best birthday months. So you think October? You guys think October? No, because not close to Halloween.

No, but you don't want to be by any holiday. But my daughter's birthday is very early in the month. That's good. And I think that's pretty good because then it gives quite a long period in between. Do you know what I think is nice? October 10th? Mm-hmm. Right?

I immediately thought of two people I know whose birthday is October. You're in October, but it's, well, how in the guts of October. So it's Halloween, it's spooky season. So you can enjoy all of that, but also your birthday is special. So we think number one is October. I do. I think number two might be March. Why?

Because there's nothing else. Make the case. There's nothing else going on, really. St. Patrick's Day? Heard of it? No one cares about that. I do. Spring break is usually in April, although sometimes it is in March.

But early March. Yeah, you love St. Patrick's Day. Early March. Yeah, early March. Early March. Okay. April, April, you got too much Easter stuff. March.

Yeah, too much Easter stuff. Then I'm going to say September. May. No, but then you have graduations. September is really good. We probably could have started from 10 and worked our way up to one. What about 12? Why are we not including

I think Two of them suck so bad December is December you're fucked You're fucked And February sucks Why did Just because of Valentine's day

No just because it's like cold A lot of places Barely cold a lot of places Fuck February and fuck you You know what Fuck you too You know what? Guys guys

Can you write you know that horse You're both pretty You're separating us Wait a second January is bleak January is the worst I know So people in my family have January birthdays.

But you need birthdays for that reason because it's bleak. You need something to look forward to. You need something happy to happen. But Christmas is over. But nobody, but your birthday is maybe happy for you. But other people, I feel like you need other people to be celebrating you. And I feel like January is so bleak that it's, it just feels bad. It's an annoyed, you're annoyed that somebody has a birthday in January.

What? Like, do you think, do you think January is bleak here? I think it's bleak everywhere. Mm-hmm. I think it's okay here. I don't know. Except maybe in Australia. I think that time is kind of one of my favorite time is here because I can wear coats.

Yeah. I agree. When the sun is just beating down on me, I'm so... When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars. Yeah. And peace will rule the planets and love will guide the stars. Mm-hmm. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

That's good news. Yeah. Yeah. Right. You speak so poetically. Yeah. Well, we're not even adding astrological signs to this of like, no, and we won't. I can't go down that path.

But I did see a clip of Rosebud Baker on Chloe Trost's podcast. And she was, Chloe was giving her charts. What do you call it? Astrological charts. And she was describing the houses and what it means. So this person, now look, I know all the names that you just said. Yeah. I know that they're real people.

Yeah. It sounded fake. It sounded fake. Rosebud Baker. on Chloe Trose podcast. Why are you lying to me? Get your story straight. Where did you really hear this?

She was describing the personality traits of the person with, she would look at the chart and say, this is in that house, so that means that they're a good business person, and then it was all celebrities. And she was like nailing them. And I thought that was interesting.

She was nailing them with information we already know? Like she didn't know whose chart it was. And she's like, this person when we get at broadcasting, this person has a lot of money. this person that says it was Oprah That kind of thing

This celebrity is good at broadcasting She doesn't know it's celebrities She didn't know who's charter was Could have been someone in the room Okay Which one of them was doing this? Rosebud Baker But is it real that podcast?

Yes, it wasn't a bit Oh, okay But Chloe Trost What is her involvement in this? She's the host Leave me out of this So why isn't her name Chloe host? She's trying to get a change

But it takes a long time Oh, that's true. You know what? Fair play. Fair play to you. Got it. Let's take another call. Yeah.

Hello? This sounds like Michael Myers again. Hi, he nailed it as Michael Myers. Whoa. He knew I was going to say that. Well, I figured that you would hear me say hello. He knew I was going to say that. No, I was speaking.

Anyway. So many of these are talking to us like they're in a conversation. I did. I did. I did really want to say. Is he crying? He's crying. Oh, God.

Oh, my life. Oh, my Jesus Christ. I did want to say one thing, this is Baba Booie. Oh, fuck! Okay. Oh, man. He did Baba Booie on a voicemail.

Wrong show, but fine. Michael Myers. I hope it doesn't call back. I hope he doesn't call back. Oh, God. Oh, my goddess. Oh, goddess. We have time for another call.

Let's take another one. Here we go. Help. my name is Madison I just want to say you guys have meant so much to me you got me through some hard times like when I was on trial for murder

what? I remember you know my lawyer kept saying hey man you got to stop being so proud about it and I said I'm not ashamed and the lawyer said I know but I'm trying to keep you out of jail and I said I did what I did and I did it good and my lawyer said you know what you convinced me

let's gonna, we're gonna go in there tomorrow or we're gonna say, I'm not guilty about everything. We don't have to listen to us. I'm being great. I don't want to hear how this ends up. So, okay, so check this out. So we go to the courtroom the next day and my lawyer says, we're gonna do it, right? And I said, oh, I'm getting cold feet. My lawyer said,

you're the one to talk me into it. And I said, I know, but look, look, I don't want to go to jail. And he goes, look, jail is not that big a deal. I've been there. I'll be there again. All you got to worry about is how cool, you look in a sketch.

You see that person over there? In a sketch? They've been drawing you this whole time. All you got to care about is when this is on the news that you are standing up and you were saying, not guilty by reason of, I'm good at what I do. Okay. Then you want that, you want to make sure you're pointing. What is this?

It's not a question. I don't quite understand how we inspired. You want to make sure that everybody knows you're the biggest badass of the courtroom. And the bailiff will probably cry. We do that on this show. So I just want to say you guys made that happen. You made it happen. You made me.

You made me kill those women. You may be proud to be who I am. So each and every one of you gives me the strength to not only murder, but to feel awesome about it. Okay. So thanks three. Hang up. I hope you doesn't say Baba Boo. Please don't eat on Mike.

Well, we are going to eat on Mike. Baba Booley. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Wow. Well, I don't have an answer for that. It wasn't really a question. I don't condone murder.

I don't condone it, but I understand it. The fact that we're inspiring, though, is nice to hear. It is cool to be inspiring. Yeah, I like to inspire people no matter what it is. Yeah. But don't we have time for one more call? We have time for one more call, yeah. Hey, um, guys, freedom, is this you?

I guess I won't get confirmation on that. This person trapped in them. I'm hiding in a closet right now. I'm hiding in a closet right now. because my boyfriend wants to propose to me and I just need to know right now if you think I should say yes

I'll give you a couple details about him okay let's hear some details about he's 7-2 he has a ponytail down to the ground wow to the ground he's a basketball player but never made the NBA he works at a at a piggly-wiggly as the person

who puts up the sign that says pigly wiggly so he goes around and just kind of puts up son doesn't you have to do that? I thought it was just up there. Maybe it's every day. I guess I haven't been there in the middle of the night. He sleeps in two twin beds stacked top to the bottom so that are really long.

Oh, I see. But then what about the headboard in the middle? And the mattresses are put together. He made, he custom made the bed. He's really good at woodworking. He's loving. He's tender. He cares about me.

He's the first person to really love me. Okay, okay. He respects me. He respects my job. He's sounding better. Which is putting dirt on to dead by. bodies to make it look like they were buried, but we don't actually bury them because my company can't afford to. What?

How can you not afford if you're paying the person to put the dirt on that? Just leave the dirt on there. And he fixes my car all the time. And he's always fixing my brakes. And he's, oh, that sounds ominous. And he's doing to the brakes.

And he pushes me on a swing set and it's really fun. Uh-oh. How old is this person? And he, uh, he's from Indiana, but he looks like he's from Florida. And he,

Oh, I get that. Yeah. I hope she says how old she is because the swings up thing. Yeah. I need to say really quickly, one thing about myself. Oh, please, please, please. Please be. Oh, you might be still.

You might have just heard me. What? What? Okay, so I'm, I'm 30 and he's 31. Oh, okay. Okay. I hope she doesn't say months. Our birthdays are really, really close.

Mine's June 29th and his is June 32. So they're right there. Okay. And, and, um, when I lost me to. tooth he was the tooth fairy I got to go what so should I marry him or what by the way I'm desperate to be married

wow okay that was uh I mean I look that was left months ago I don't know yeah you don't think she's still in that closet that was left months ago yeah you gotta be on top of these you guys during our break I know yeah that's should we can we call it yeah well we can do a reverse call

yeah okay here we go Operator, may I help you? I connect me to Hollywood 5379 please. Hollywood 5379 please. Coming a right up, dude. Hello. Hi, can we talk to, well, she was born in June, June 20. Well, you were talking to my wife?

Oh. Yeah, can we talk to your wife, please? So you're calling my wife's phone wanting to talk to my wife. And what is this? Two men? Sir, sir, sir, please. Is there any of a woman there? Yeah, I'm here.

No, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. There is a woman here. Oh, okay. Hi. That makes you feel a lot better. We're a podcast, sir.

We're a podcast. We're not too gentlemen. Okay. Oh, you're not gentlemen. We're podcasters. What do you like, try guys? No, no, no, we're not trying. We are like the try guys.

We're not a try guy, but they're kind of a try guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I'm in the middle of a pickup basketball game and I just heard you answer. You don't play for the NBA, right? No.

Why would you think that? Are the other players upset that you're taking a phone call? They're all on the phone, too. Oh. Hi, guys. All of our phones are linked to one phone. So, anybody, anytime one of us gets a call, we all get a call. That's weird.

Hi, guys. Hi, to everyone else. Hi, what's up? Basketball. Hey. I like basketball to play. Pass the ball to me, please. That guy's old.

Okay, so what do you want with my wife? Well, she called our podcast. What's her name, by the way? She never said. That's for me to know and you to find out. Oh, okay. This guy's good. He's good.

Well, she called us, sir. So we're just calling her back. She was hiding in your closet. I assume it's your closet now. Oh, yeah, they're all mine. You guys got married. At the time she called us, you two were not married. Oh, wow.

She thought you were about to propose and she didn't know what to do. Oh. Sounds like she went ahead and accepted your proposal. So congrats. I got what I wanted. And you are really seven two? Seven three. Wow.

And do you have a ponytail that reaches down to the ground? Well, it's a Percy tale now. Oh, congrats. I started storing stuff. Someone's doing well. Yeah. My job started paying really great because a lot of the Gs fell off. And we want at the pigly wiggly.

She told us you worked there. Could you explain to us? what it means that you put the sign up every day? I go around to all pigly-wiggly to make sure the signs are firmly fixed. All of them. Okay. And in my area.

Okay. Oh, what's your area? What's your area? Wow. Fuck. God damn it. We retract the question. Yeah.

Sorry. So the sign is not just permanently in place? It can be moved if given an opportunity. Okay. What would the opportunity to be? Does anyone take the opportunity to do this? Not the situation, but the opportunity. The opportunities that might arise are someone climbing on the roof and pushing it down.

And that's an opportunity. Someone climbing on top of shoulders of 10 other people and pushing it up. 10. Someone throwing a rock at it and knocking it down. Someone throwing a rock up at it and knocking it up. So they either go up or down apparently? Sometimes they go side to side, but it's rare because there's other letters there. And so you say work has been good lately because a lot of the Gs have been falling?

So there's four Gs and pigly wiggly. And whenever a G falls, I get paid a little extra and all four Gs have been fun. lately. I would think that because there's so many of the Gs, you would get paid less. You would think that and you would be wrong. Because you can lose a fair amount of Gs before you can't read Pigley-Wittal. So if I put a G-up...

If you're like, oh, God, not another G. They need to alleviate that sort of like... If I put a G up, I get a G. So $1,000? $1,000. Oh, a G-per-G? If I put a P up, I get a P. Which is? A penny? One pound.

Oh, a pound. Of? A British pound pig meat oh wow oh it's a literal like the weight of a pound of pig meat not pork but pig meat okay when you say like that it just sounds better you know what about an high when i get when i put up an eye when i put up an eye i lose an eye oh so i don't want that to happen okay so far so far you have both of your eyes yes i've never had to put up an eye nice what about a l if i put up an l i get to take the l so i get to take home an o and get a and get a new well. Oh, all right.

What about whys? And I say why not. Okay. But then the last question, obviously, is the W. Yeah. And if I get a W, then I get to celebrate with my team. You take the win. And I take the win.

You take the W. Okay. So it sounds like the Gs are where you want to be. G's where you want to be. So what is this about? Well, we just wanted to see because the call came in so long ago and we're just getting to now. We just wanted to do a follow-up call. Yeah, to see if she got married.

Yeah. Is she still alive? Yeah, she's a lot. Yeah. Why do you say it like that? Strange. She is. Oh.

Okay. Lumber Churchill. Lumber Churchill? Winston Churchill? Winston Churchill? Okay, okay. She's pushing out of my shirt. She wants to talk to you guys.

Oh, yeah. You know your shirt. Hey, I was inside his shirt. Why? Don't talk loudly. He'll know that I'm on the phone with you. Yeah, he should know. I think he does know.

He's already playing basketball again. What's going on? Oh, hi. It's freedom. What's your name? What? It's freedom, dear. Yes, dear.

answer us. What's your name? I don't. Because, okay, so here, I'll give you three guesses. It's like a Rumble Stiltskin. The fuck? Rumble Stiltskin only give three guesses? I thought it was just if you do guess. No, it was like you're never going to guess it. Well, that too. Never got to guess. Never got to guess it.

Never got to guess it. Never got to guess it. Just try. Try. Rumpel Stilskin. Yes. Nice. Wow. Okay. Rumble Stiltskin, thank you for calling us. Thanks for having me.

I don't know if you knew it, but this is our 300. episode. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. And so we were taking... How long have you guys been doing the podcast? Eight and a half years.

Oh my God. Like Fellini. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Remember his podcast? Philly podcast? Yeah.

So weird. It was all about pasta? A rewatch pasta? A rewatch pasta. Yeah. He would rewatch his pasta. I used to love that show. Yeah.

He would cook it and then he'd cook it again. Yeah. Anyway, we were just like reaching out to some of our favorite fans and we noticed you led us a voicemail wondering if you should get married and we wanted to to congratulate you on your wedding. Thanks. And we wanted to say you should not. you should not get married.

Yeah, don't get married. I know. It's really bad. Yeah. I got to go back in his shirt now so he can play. Okay. Okay. Oh, so he can't play.

What's he been doing this whole time? Oh, I see. You're like a good luck charm. Okay. Okay. And how tall are you? So it's my height can't really measured with a ruler. Oh.

So I'm sort of like really small. Okay. How did you dial the phone? A lot of hopping. Jumping on the numbers? Like big. Yeah. Oh, okay.

I did like that. Are you like a mythical creature? No. Your name is Rumpel Stiltskin. I know. Is that terrible? What's your life expectancy? Two.

Ooh. How old are you now? Million years. Oh. Oh. What's going to say? 30. 30?

30. You said? 30. That's years. So I'm 30 days, but it's two million years. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

I got to go. Hey, we have to go. No, you have to go. We're in the middle of a show. I have to go. No, I have to go. No, I have to go. No, I have to go.

Lauren, you sound so much like Frumpled Stealtke. I know, it's making me sick. People are going to think that I'm it. Yeah, that you're peduized the clown? I'm it the clown. Oh, no. I hate it the clown.

I hate it the clown! We'll be right back. All right, goodbye. And we're back. And look, we're going to do a taste test. Now, I know, I know people have issues. I know, I know people have issues. People have issues with eating on podcasts.

If you have such issues, look, we already gave you a full episode. You don't have to listen to this. I think the issues usually they're jealous that they're not eating on a podcast right then. Yeah, you guys are jealous, bitches. Yeah. And we have a podcast and we like to eat on it. Yeah, so don't hate the player, hate the game. I guess you could hate both.

So this is really exciting because there are some flavors here that I've wanted to try. Okay, on a classic episode, we did Eminem tasting. The definitive M&M taste test or so we thought. And what one? Peanut butter M&Ms were unanimously thought of as the favorite M&M out of all of them. Now we've noticed some new flavors had popped up since then. Yeah. And so we thought that we would try some of these.

So I want to say, I think we've tried. His mouth is already water. I know. I want to say. Pretzel, I think we did try before. But let's just have it for fun just to kind of get it going. Because it did well from what I remember. Yes.

They're fun. Yeah. So we'll start with pretzel. Mm-hmm. All right. All right. So we're starting with pretzel. Oh, you have it?

No, I'm trying to open that back. And I'm unsuccessful. All right, this is pretzel. We all have pretzel. I love this. It's good. Damn, it's good. I used to think of it as kind of a stale feeling.

I disagree with my old stuff. I feel like the last ones we ate were, did have that stale thing. But this does not. Maybe it was. It was during COVID because it was out in the backyard, as I recall. Was it not? The corona super virus known as COVID. Yes.

The novel, it was very novel. The novel coronavirus COVID 2019. I think it tastes, I think, I think pretzel tastes good when you first started. I'm not a fan of the. It's not what I would eat if I was going to sit down and just like be, just eating a whole bag. If I was making dinner for someone, I wouldn't serve pretzel lemonade. Yeah. I can't get this fucking bag open.

That's a weird. You have scissors, too. I cut it lower. Cut it twice. Measure once. Okay, these are fucking crazy. Okay. These are called Eminem's popped.

POP, apostrophe D. These are caramel M&M's popped. Caramel M&M's popped. It has freeze dried candy popping out of the Eminem. It looks almost like a, like a... Ew! It looks like dinosaur nuts. It doesn't look good.

Looks like dinosaur dukey. I'm going to eat it at all. It looks like it's fucked up. These, okay, so describe them. these these just look like a mistake. Yeah. Right. And they're like,

we might as well put these in a bag. We tried this. It didn't work. Put them in a bag and sell. Someone who was over here yesterday. I'll just say who it is. Carl Tart was saying this is the new thing of like freeze dried candy or something like that.

I don't know. Yeah. That sounds familiar. It's sweet. It's sweeter than the pretzels. It's really in my teeth though. Yeah, it's very sticky. It's too much.

Too much. All right. So the third one is almond. It's too far away from Eminem. You know what you mean? It is. It is. Okay, this is almonds.

These are big like peanuts, but they're almonds. We may have tried these last time. Hey, look, almonds are like big peanuts. I once met a girl who said almond, and she was from where they make almonds. Where's that? And she was calling them almonds. These are very similar to peanut Eminems, I feel like. But they're a little more elegant.

It's a more adult. Yeah. Yeah. I've always been afraid of these. Ammon is fucking crazy. Let's find out about that. Yeah. Okay.

I've always been afraid of almond M&Ms. Mm-hmm. But I like it, but I love almonds. I don't know what I'm afraid of. These are pretty good. Are they more expensive? We have tried the dark chocolate ones before. We have tried dark chocolate.

Are almond M&Ms more expensive than peanut M&Ms? I really don't know. That's a good question because almonds are a conflict nut. Didn't look at the prices. They require so much water. Mm-hmm. I was too busy giving a homeless person a million dollars. I'm really sorry that I helped someone and talked about it.

Because these are dark chocolate. They don't seem that much. different than regular chocolate. They really don't. They're a little less super sweet. It's like, what's the difference? No, I just told you. These are good.

Okay. These actually, this would be good to have around the house instead of, if you have a bag of, I like to buy a bag of candy. I would have avoided these. Dark chocolate Eminem's. They're good.

This is like kind of like a, it's kind of chic. They're having like 20 of them. You really like them. The regular M&M that's milk chocolate. In my memory tastes like the dark chocolate Eminems but then when I have them they're very, very

sweet. They're more, you could take, I feel like you taste the shell more with regular Eminems. Okay. Now this sugary taste and not as much chocolate and this tastes more chocolatey. This is a new flavor to us. These are honey roasted peanuts. We need to talk about the color. The whole bag is the color that bees would be or make. That bees would be or make.

They only have yellow, dark brown, and a different yellow shade of It's in the bee color palette. Honey roasted be nuts. These are honey roasted bees nuts. These are honey roasted bees nuts. These have caught my eye at the store. I find this disgusting. Hmm. I'm throwing up.

Don't like it. What do you guys think? I can't get a handle on it. No. No. No. No. Maybe. I love honey. Doing the meme. Totally. I love honey roasted peanuts, period. end of sentence. Wait a minute. Did we get the... I'm trying to chew away from the mic sometimes.

Yes. Did we get the one that we really want it together? Oh, here they are. Okay, great. We have peanut butter and jelly. This is... I'm okay on honey roast. I'm actually okay.

You have to eat more than one. I would not... They're not my top pick. You can't have one. You have to eat more than one. I think if you eat more than one of any of these, they're... Good. You're fine.

Okay, peanut butter and jelly. I'm a little afraid of because I don't really like peanut butter and jelly. In general? I'm going to say, I have already tried these. Oh. When we were on the road with Comedy Bang Bang Tour, we were at some big rest stop, and they had a huge candy aisle. Oh, man.

And so I saw they had all these variant, these Eminem variants, and I was like, oh, I'll buy some of these, take them back for a woman of record freedom. The bags were so, these were so old that the bags were falling apart. And I didn't realize until I got back to the hotel and was like laying them out. And I was like, well, I might as well try some now. And pretty much everyone that I tried was disgusting. Have you ever eaten bad chocolate that's actually old?

Although when it's like white? Yeah, I had that happen and I had like a stomachicator. I was being stabbed. Yeah. When you have chocolate it's graying at the temple. Sweet. Peanut butter was our number one pick last time. Peanut butter and jelly. Had the element of jelly.

It's like, it's a little fruit burst basically in the middle. And I don't really need that in my can. I usually like chocolate with no fruit personally. Yeah, I'm not that I can do it. No, we bought mega peanut butter Eminem's. These are giant. So that's to kind of be, so what's your favorite of these so far

could go against mega? I think maybe we last time we kept pretzel. I think or almond. Ammon's good. All right, hold on a second. Let me make sure. All right.

We have done. Pretzel. Almond. Honey. Honey roasted. Roasted. Yeah. dark chocolate.

Almond, you have to be kind of careful when you use. You don't credit it too. Caramel. Was it honey tire or donut? Okay. Dark chocola. Caramel Eminem's popped. Caramel.

Those are a whack attack. They're very sweet. Omen's not my favorite. I think I'm going, I'm going pretzel. You love the dark chocolate. Yeah, but it's so boring to pick that. But I do like it. But you liked it.

I did like it. Okay, these are bigger than the normal. Wait, where are they? Peanut butter? I didn't get one. I need a big one. So I would say that they're more, the ratio of peanut butter to candy coating. Raciowed.

Is bigger. And I would say maybe it's now too peanut buttery. Lawrence's intentionally doing that. I agree. I'm not getting enough shell. Yeah. Yeah. It tastes like a completely different thing.

Yeah. So out of these? I don't dislike it, though. That was a different flavor. I don't dislike it. I like the peanut. But it counts as a different flavor. Like the honey rose of peanut.

Out of these, I think, almond and pretzel. I'm going pretzel and dark chocolate. What's your vote? I'm going to say, I'm going to put dark chocolate first so far. Wow. But it tastes just like normal ammonemps.

No, it doesn't. It tastes like what I want normal amnums to taste. Okay. So I would say dark chocolate one. then almond two pretzel three I've had now

five more of the dark chocolate and I don't like it I'm gonna say honey roasted peanut next this we need to take a picture of this popped thing caramel popped I don't care for

how do I take a picture now here's the thing with PBMJ because is there also a little chocolate in there because what I find is that well it's candy coating yeah I know what you mean

because I don't think so though there Trader Joe's once had, you know, one of their weird candy bars at the counter that was a peanut butter and jelly and chocolate bar. And I was like, oh, this, this has got to be good. Right.

And it was disgusting. Because the chocolate and the jelly don't go together. They don't go together. Because the chocolate in the jelly. All right. Here's the last thing we're going to do. We have also procured Reese's Oreo. No, I'm, I'm personally kind of alarmed by this.

There's a lot going on. I'm going to say that Reese's does not have a good success rate with their variance. I love Reese's peanut butter cup, period, point-point-point. That is the best one. That's the best one. The prime cup. So this has like a white chocolate. Yeah, what's going on with this?

What are its qualities? It has white chocolate on the top, peanut butter, and then Oreo crumble inside, and then the Reese's chocolate on the bottom. I already don't like it. Just by me describing it. Uh-huh. Hmm. But it might not be white chocolate.

It might be cookies and cream. Oh, it just looks like white chocolate. Yeah, because white chocolate is... This is time. I think it's fine, but it's... Maybe it's just we've eaten too much candy, but it's all sweet. It's a science experiment that I just don't need to participate in. Yeah.

I actually can't handle what's happening. It's too much. Stop doing this. Yeah. Stop tricking us into doing this on podcast. I'm... That's too much. Actually, Holly wanted to buy one of those the other day, and I was like, no, that's too crazy.

I literally was like, this is so crazy. Don't get that. That's so crazy. Yeah. I mean, look, if they, if these were good, they would have invented them 60 years ago. That's a great point. You know what I mean? When they were first figuring out candy.

Yeah. You know? I love Oreo cookie crumbs on like ice cream. I love Oreos in general. I love Reese's peanut butter cups in general. I do not need them to mate. I never needed them to meet, much less be friends. No.

I will say that I did not dislike this as much as I thought I would. This experience or doing this podcast for 300 episodes? No comment. But I'm not an Oreo fan. Oh. I loved them when I was a kid. And now I find them kind of disgusted. Well, they're really, they're, it's a thick kind of in your teeth kind of cookie.

But I mean, they're good. They're always good. The texture of them is kind of off-putting to me now. and the sort of it did just chemically for me you know you can't go home again

yeah it's hard it's hard when you go back to a thing you loved as a kid like I always loved Entemines frosted chocolate frosted donuts oh my gosh sure that's like a waxy film on my roof

of my mouth here's the real test they're very false yeah here's the real test you're only allowed to bring one bag home with you Lauren

Which are you bringing? Pretzel. You're bringing pretzel with you. So that's your favorite. Paul, what do you bring? Mm. Maybe this is big fat peanut butter ones. You're bringing the big fatties.

Yeah, bring the big fatties home. So those are your favorites. What am I bringing home? I probably would have picked the peanut butter too, but I'm going to bring the almond home. Okay. Still peanut butter and M&Ms, they're a combination that we generally like. But I like that we all pick different things. I wish we had gotten the regular peanut butter.

peanut butter M&Ms to taste against the... Yeah. I thought that the mega would just be like that. When I saw that, I was like, oh, that's... Let's try the mega one more time. One more time. That's when Paul's taking home. Let's try...

Well, we want to deplete his reserves before he takes them home. No, I don't want to take any of these home. Let me take a picture of this. Okay. This is sort of like a pallet cleanser. All right. Because we know we like these flavors generally. The ratio is.

may be a little off. The ratios may be a little off. I think the ratio's off. I had one more and it's too off. Should we be happy that they keep trying these? Or should we say, what are you doing? Yeah. I think like Icarus, they flew too close to the sun.

I think it's fun. Like, it kind of gives me the feeling that people are standing around or sitting around a boardroom going like, okay, M&M's, what if they popped? You know, and I kind of like that they are doing that. I also think that it's like anything to make you go. like, oh, no, oh, M&Ms, I never think about those. Oh, they have a new flavor? Oh, that's wild. And then maybe you just buy the ones you know you like. Well, and I'm pretty surprised whenever I go to like CVS or whatever and I see like a variant like peanut butter and jelly there.

I'm going like, oh, so they're really pushing this. Yeah, because like. It's making it down to like my regular little store. It's not like I have to go on the website. Right. And go. Because I imagine like sometimes these really weird flavors you only see it like an M&M store or like a special place. Or in a foreign country.

And then they're like throwing them out. they're like, yeah, go for it, you know? They believe in the product. There's got to be foreign flavors that we have not tried. I'm sure there's a Dubai chocolate. We were in Europe recently and I didn't think to look for any, but. Nor did I. Nor did I, Scott.

And more's the pity. And who are we? Smoors the pity. Oh my God. Eminem's smores the city. That should be our restaurant right next to leftovers. I typed in craziest Eminem flavors. Why are we going to direct competition with my wife?

No, she doesn't serve dessert. Oh, that's true. That way you go to both places. Craziest Eminem flavors. Okay, what are they? Some of the weirdest and most unusual Eminem flavors ever released or tested include white chocolate candy corn, vomit, Mexican jalapeno peanut and pecan pie. I think we tried pecan pie.

I feel like we did. I feel like we didn't. Peanut burn jelly, caramel cold brew. Ugh. Cold McRue. Caramel cold brew. Cole McGrew. It's like some guy.

Cold. This is like. Cole McGrew. I am Cole McGrew. Every year, millions of kids are killed on Halloween. Oh, peanut is crazy. Don't you want to find out what I taste like, though? White chocolate carrot cake, wildly cherry M&Ms.

Whoa. This is all red velvet. There was like a cherry cheesecake that I tried that was horrible. Thai coconut peanut. What? What are we doing? What are we doing, guys? Toasty vanilla and white chocolate M&M's.

That's my two worst. options. That's just what, karate dirt? Corroded artery? Corroted battery, corroded deletre. Dulce. I'm sure that's good. Sounds great. It's old and I don't think it exists. Well, I wish that we were just over the moon about one of these flavors.

And honestly, we have to bring this up as well. We're not sponsored by Eminemps. They don't even know we exist. No. They don't even know we exist. I think that they would be upset if they knew of our existence. No one. No. No. They need to learn of us and they need to send us swag. Should we do a big romantic stunt to get the attention of M&Ms? Yeah.

I think we should stand outside holding up like... Romantic to the candy or romantic with each other? Romantic to the candy. Oh, okay. I was going to say... We should dress up as your peanut, you're red, and I'm green. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

And we just dress up like that. And stand on the street. And just dress up like that. And just dress up like that. Oh, we go outside. Yeah. Oh, you want to go viral. Yeah.

So many people forget to go viral. I know, because it's like, just do it. Do you think it'll just be the costumes that make it go viral or do you think we have to need to do anything? I think if we're dancing around on the street and kind of going like, we have a boom box that's playing in your eyes, we're holding it up. Yeah. We each have one. That's the romantic part. And we're dancing to your eyes.

We have to make sure. We're dancing that hot number in your eyes. And we have to make sure we press play at the same time. Because we each have our own boombox. Oh, yeah. What if you guys are holding fake ones and I'm holding a real one? And so we just have one. That's less romantic.

What if much like when you, in a firing squad, we don't know which one is the fake one. Oh, that's the real one. So nobody can feel bad. No one feels bad until the music's blasting in their ears and not the others. In their ears. The sound, the blast. Hears. Salmona mess.

Down my ass. Carmel's popped. Ears. in your ears roasted peanut ears oh I want to hear my ears

ears ears popping well guys damn damn damn damn daub damn damn daub well guys

we did it 300 episodes I I got to congratulate us can you believe us doing anything for that long I can't believe it

should we I'm sorry should we just play around to hit the post yeah Oh, boy. Just to celebrate, you know what I mean? One, one round.

Come on, Scotty Ox. One round. I do have tickets to a movie. What movie you see? Coyote versus Acme. I want to take it to the movie show day. It's supposed to be my baby. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

All right, Paul, you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. All right, here we go. here we go. It's Friday, it's 12 o'clock, you know what that means. Everyone is closing your eyes for 30 seconds. We're all going to do it,

and it's going to be very exciting and scary. Don't forget, when the signal to open your eyes comes, you can't cry. All right. I was a little thrown off by the guess. Yeah, because you don't know if that counts. Yes. But it doesn't.

But thankfully, it doesn't count. And just really quick, I want to... You want to what? Apologize finally? Hold on. I'm being Scott right now. I'm playing a YouTube ad.

What are you trying to play? The song that I was just singing because I just want to remind you. Oh, okay. Oh, he's got two ads on it. He's trying to really make some money. Who? What?

This guy. What are you talking about? Yeah. You boy banks and this track that I came to all the ladies out there. Let's go to the movies. You know, special you, girl.

Oh my God! I have not thought of him in quite some time. That was not an official hit the post thing. Paul was still trying to start through his sound effects. I think that I played that in the Earwolf offices on Three Dole. Yes, I believe that is the case. All right. So that's about to play a song and I accidentally hit one, but that's not the one I wanted to play.

Okay. Okay. And Lauren's going to hit the post. All right. Here we go. Lauren, are you ready? It's summer, baby, and you know what that means. We're jet skiing.

We're water skiing, and we are walking on water like Jesus Christ himself. What I want to see is pictures of you and your hot babes walking on water like Jesus Christ. Put on your red bikinis girls and send on over to our website. Of course, that website is Hag Claim 7, not to be confused with Hag Claims 8. one of our most popular websites that we have in this world. But Heckleam 7, very easy to get to. I'll see you there. Can't wait to see.

I went a little, I almost trust, I didn't trust myself enough. That was a real icarus. It was. It was a real icarus. All right, Lauren's going to play song for me. And, uh, oops, here we go. Whoops. Much better.

Huh? Oops, my clothes fell off. Oh. Oops, my clothes fell. Oops. If you were on a job site and your boss did that to you, you'd have to excuse it just for the sheer balls to say, oops, my clothes fell off.

Right. And doing it like a stinky. If you said it. Exactly like that? Yeah. You'd have to just go like. You ready? All right.

Hey there. If your name. is Roy G. Biv out there. I want to hear from you. That's right. We're talking red, orange, yellow, indigo, blue, indigo, green, violet, all of the above. I want to hear from you because you're a rainbow. If you ever see a rainbow and you follow it down to the end of it, you can then wrestle a leprechaun.

All right. I didn't know what it was going to be, but I put on a doll. part in Christmas. I almost played 9 to 5. Christmas on the square. Wow. I want to do but that we kind of know. We kind of know.

Hey, Dolly, this episode 300 was in honor of you. Yes. We love you. And episode 301 will be for Tim Curry. Mm-hmm. And episode 302 for someone else, hopefully. You know what it will be? J.P. Morgan from the gong show.

Died the same day as Tim Curry. Not as many people listen about it. Not related to the bank? Well, we want to thank you all for listening to us, for low these eight and a half years. Yeah, let me tell you something. Oh, Jane P. Oh, no, J.P. Morgan.

Okay. Uh-huh. Her real, his name was Morgan, but her first name was not J.P. Got it. I want to say thank you to the listeners. We really love our listeners. It has been so nice meeting, so many of you during the tour. Everybody is sweet.

Everybody is kind. Everybody is a nice person. We are lucky that we have attracted to a, grateful to have you guys listening and thank you so much and here's to 3,000 more. Uh-oh. Oh, no. That would be another 80 years? Can you fucking imagine?

That sounds good. That sounds good to you. That sounds good to you. It's scary to think about stuff like that because Andy Daley and I have pledged to release. To do every saw, watch along. And that's a lot of movies. And we're only doing one a year. Yeah.

And it's like, a lot can happen. They could make more. They could make more. That's the thing I'm most afraid of. I do want to say that we have a live comedy bang, bang, in Los Angeles on September 19th, and this is going to be a big show. Paul and I will be there. Who knows who else will be there? Who knew who else?

Someone, I don't know. Very close to us might be there on that show. Or might not be there. We just don't know what's got out. But that's in a couple of days, so come out to L.A. and see us. Oh, and I got to promote my show. And also we're then doing our last three shows of the year. We're doing Huntington, New York, October 6th.

Okay, Huntie. We're doing Boston Medford on October 7th. And then we're wrapping it up in Troy, New York on October 8th. That's right. Troy. Ben, we'll talk about Troy this year. Troy Aikman? Yep. Sure.

I would like to say that Mary Holland, who will never be on Threaton, will be on tour with me. And we are doing improv, just the two of us, gals. And we want to make you laugh. So come see us in Toronto will be a, Just for Laughs on October 3rd, 2026. Then we will be in Chicago performing on November 5th, 2026. And then we will be in New York City at the Bell House on November 14th.

So please come out to those shows. Tell your friends who live there. And let's have a fun time. Hey, when are people fucking hearing this? The 17th of September, my dear. Okay. I can't remember what to plug. But go to Paul F. Tompkins.com.

go to varietopia.com and see where I'm going to be. Yes. And remember no matter what, remember how we always sign off on this show. Love the person that's to your immediate right. And you will have a very good night. If you don't love them, look to your left. And then you will see that you are bereft. Because you're alone, and that's so sad. sad. But that's okay. Don't get mad. Because at the end of the day, there's one thing we know.

Everyone simply has to go. Fuck yourself. See it at the corn. It's a corn. It's a corn. It's a corn. Bye, everyone.