Threedom - I'm Bald as a Pool Cue

Episode Date: July 17, 2025

Paul, Scott, and Lauren discuss store credit cards, kids singing, and animal urine before playing Crazy Pet Return. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock the THREEMIUM archive on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Nata show feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe. Make life suck less with fewer ads with Lemon Nata premium. Okay, let's see. Freedom! Freedom! Okay, interesting. You heard what I said though. I did, I didn't hear what I said. Freedom. Freedom! Freedom! What did I say? What did I say? What did I say?

That's what I said. I'm she. For these purposes. She is I. I'm a character named she. And everything I say is fucking disgusting. If there can be a her, why can't there be a she? Honestly, that should be a comedy'm a character named She. And everything I say is fucking disgusting. If there can be a her, why can't there be a she? Honestly, that should be a comedy bang bang character, She.

And it's always, that's what she said. But it's like everything she said is crap. All right, you can do the next episode. Okay, okay, okay. Here I go. It's a great idea. Here I go. And who better?

Here I go. Who better to embody this disgusting woman? Put that in the hole. That's what she said. That's all it is, folks. Put that in the hole. That's what she said. That's all it is, folks. Put that in the hole. Hi everyone, welcome back to Three Dawgs. Thank you man, I appreciate it.

I'm Paul. I'm Lauren. I'm Scott. And we haven't, I know there was an episode last week, but we haven't recorded one in person for over a month. Is that so? I believe so.

Wow, crazy. You were out of town. I was out of town for a long trip. Yeah. And you were also touring a bit as well. I know I was working in a television program. Oh. Yes.

Wow. So we all have our thing. Must be nice. Yeah, 60 minutes. You were the, you're being the clock? They let me wind the clock. Okay. Yeah. So we all have our thing. Must be nice. Yeah, 60 minutes. You're being the clock? They let me wind the clock. Okay. Yeah.

It's big by the way. Oh, is it sort of like the hud soccer proxy? That giant hud. Yeah, I have to climb up on a step ladder and use both hands to turn the top of it. Okay, so when they film it, they're just right, cause it's very tight. Really, Leslie Stahl has to walk in front of it

just to give us perspective. The camera is so far away from it to get all of it in frame. It's like Mount Rushmore looks so small. And then when you actually get there. Have you been there? It's two times the size you think it is. Have you been there?

I've never been. I investigated it at one point and then I heard, it's kind of boring. Where is it? Yeah. North Dakota or some shit? How much better is it going to be than a picture? I don't know. He said Vermont is in North Dakota. Vermont! Where do you think a picture? I don't know. He said Vermont is in North Dakota.

Vermont? Where do you think it is? I don't know where it is. Isn't in Tennessee? No. I believe it is in one of the Dakotas, right? Is it in North Dakota? Oh, I bet it's South Dakota.

I think it's South Dakota. Where is Mount Rushmore located, Siri? You have to talk to her that way. South Dakota. Okay, I wasn't so crazy with that. It wasn't so crazy with that. Keystone, South Dakota. I really had my best.

Zip code 57751. Great. I wonder if it gets mail. Just send a letter to Mount Rushmore. Dear Abe Lincoln. Dear Abe. Hey guys. Hey Jumps.

I've been missing you guys. I've been missing you guys. It doesn't feel like we could ever create anything like Mount Rushmore ever again. Good, it sucks. I know it sucks. No, you know if we made it now, it would be made of such bad materials.

Plastic. Exactly. But it feels like, first of all, everything- I wouldn't use real rock. Everything is built already, like every bit of land. Every idea has been made. We have all the buildings you could ever have. We have all the like water features. They gone about as far as they can go.

There you go. Who would be on it now? Pam Bondi, Theo Von. Wow. Who would be on your podcast? Rushmore? Who would be on your road? Rushmore. Your podcast? Rushmore. It's a podcast version of the movie Rushmore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's the Obon. Your podcast Rushmore. Oh, if Rushmore was a podcast, would it be better? Yeah, because I think it was the visuals were distracting. Yeah, yeah. Because maybe I wanted to decide how the people looked. Me too, and I think the colors I would have picked

just totally different color palette. Yeah, like orange. Yeah. Purple. Orange, purple. Orange, purple, Halloween colors. Orange, purple, Orange, purple. Orange, purple, Halloween colors. Orange, purple, black, yeah. Yeah. Ooh, Halloween's coming.

Ooh. According to every store, it's right around the corner. I just bought a fall wreath for later. Of course you did. Of course. At World Market. I went to get a summer wreath because I had an Easter wreath. Summer wreath. I had an Easter wreath. Makes me feel fine.

And I was like, well, I can't have this egg wreath up anymore. I took it down. Then it's been a bear. What is this, it's been a bear door for weeks, weeks, weeks, months. And then I had to go, I was like, I gotta go to world market. I got to go to world market. Cause you know, a lot of places don't even have wreaths. I know. And then I got my perfect wreath.

And then I also saw a perfect fall wreath, which was a little fox with holding a bunch of acorns in the shape of a wreath with a bristly tail and it's going to be a hit. Almost like the Firefox logo. It's not quite like that. Do you think anyone's going to come to your house and go like oh wait a minute I thought is this the Firefox headquarters? Sorry I thought I was online. Am I at a browser?

Do you have a line of credit at world markets? I don't. I don't really believe in having credit cards at stores. Interesting. Of stores that sell credit cards. I believe in having them at stores of a bank's credit card. Because I want to pay for stuff. I think I had a store credit card, I think when I first was able to get a credit card,

I was like, is this the thing you're supposed to do? Yeah, actually 20 when I was 20, I went around and got like store credit cards for every department store in the mall. That's what they want you to do. It was 20. Scott. 25?

I was 50. It was the other day. No. What do you get? Like what stores are you thinking? Oh, there's like a G department store. It was like something like a Bloomingdale's. Gimbals.

Gimbals. It's I was in Miracle on 34th Street. Goal something. I don't know. Anyway, but I got. Goal. Goal. Goldman's. I don't. Goldman Sachs. I can't remember. This is in Santa Maria, California, and I got gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold Or do you want to owe us money? I was like, Oh, let me get this. Would you like a discount and some debt? Yeah.

So I went around to every store and got one and then defaulted on all of them. And it ruined my credit for years. Geez. You were really crazy with money back in the day when you were a kid. Yeah. Oh, I was too. I mean, that's a bold move to go get credit card. You were you're doing that too?

I was not, I didn't, I did not go to every store in the mall, but I did. I was so when I started making actual money for the first time, I did not know the fucking first thing about being an adult. Yeah. And it was just like I spent it as I made it. And you know, it was just stupid. I mean, I only made enough to live off of exactly but I had a little notebook where I would write in every dollar I spent including a bottle of water. I would be like bottle of water, one dollar. I'd be so mad. Well, I was, I, if I ran out of money, I'd have a worse problem than that. But yeah, I should have had credit cards. Then you cut off a detective's wife's hay, put it in a box. I, I was so shocked that

after paying my, I had a, my first place place was so cheap I had this little tiny apartment that was not far from the old area. Wolfster. Yeah, I just passed it yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Last night and I was like knock on the door and say can I just see this my friend you still live here. No, I got a I got a ticket going to your place once.

Oh yeah, because that bad stop sign we did. So I passed it. Yes, I went down that street and I was like, I thought it was bad for some reason. Oh, that's right. There, it doesn't go all the way through. Yeah. And so I had to, but I passed that stop sign.

I still think about that cop. Of course. Yeah. But I passed your apartment. I, it was like a little tiny place at a Murphy bed. Wow. So would you fold it up every day or would you kind of go, and the bed's the couch, the bed is. Most days I would fold it up. Yeah. Every time I went over there. It was up. Well, yeah

make love But you put your arms against the Murphy bed we had an arrangement But it was my rent was $250 Man my that's crazy. The idea that I had money left over from my paycheck after I paid my rent was like, well, what year was that? My rent was 265 I think. And then it went, I was there for a number of years, five years, I think. And it went all the way up to three 10 maybe. Wow.

This makes us sound a thousand. Well, no, cause this is like candy bar was a nickel. But my rent was cheaper compared to now. When I moved, it was I moved here at the beginning of 2010. And my apartment was a one bedroom and it was nine hundred dollars. And that actually was extremely cheap. And I was sharing the rent. And so it was like the moving from New York, where at that time

felt crazy compared to here. Oh sure. But still now that apartment that I lived in is now gotta be 2000 or more. Do you think it still has TBS? If I wanted to watch it on? That's something I added to the place. Why are they fucking doing this Harry Potter series? They're just gonna tell the same stories? Yeah but in more detail.

But the kid looks so... I know someone who would be really into it sitting on a couch. The kid looks so cute. I saw the first look at the new Harry. I think I saw the kids and I just glossed over it immediately. Well, I'm happy for that. I was like, I don't know who they are. Yeah, of course you don't, but you're going to know their names.

They're gonna be big stars. I don't want to. I don't want to know their names. I don't care who's playing Hagrid. My first apartment after I moved out of the one that I shared, my first solo apartment, it was $1,200 a month. And I just thought that was, that was just an enormous sum. That's a large jump from $300. From three three whatever.

But at the time I think I was working pretty consistently and I had a good amount of money. So I had to sign a year lease. I remember I was like, ah, 1200 a month. Is this possible? Yeah. Okay, I'll try it. But yeah, I was there for two years. It's really terrible here now.

And yeah, now you have to share an apartment I think and it's still two grand or something. It's really terrible here now. Yeah. And yeah, now you have to share an apartment, I think, and it's still too grand or something. Yeah. It's rough, man. We have a few friends that are looking for a place right now and it's really difficult. No, they need to bring the prices down. They do. I'm a mimby. Are you saying? Maybe in my backyard. Are you saying the rent is too damn high? I was about to say that. You must pay the rent. What's that? I think we've talked about it on this show. I think we have. No, but you know what I'm thinking of? No, I know what your thing is, but I don't know what your thing was. But I don't know what something about what you just said, but have you seen that video from musical? What? Have you

had a stroke? No, I'm fine. Blurp. That song. Why is the left side of your face? Okay, I am concerned. I've lost the thread. It's fine. No, what was it doing? No, that girl who's like a cave girl

and she's going, I don't wanna do the work today. I don't really wanna do the work today. Do you not know what I'm saying? A cave girl? It's from a musical. And she's- Which one? I don't know. Clan of the Cave Bear, the musical? What. Which one? I don't know. Clan of the Cave Bear?

The musical? What's it called? I don't want to... She gets big laughs, but people like to send that one around. I don't want to what? I don't want to do the work today. Do the work today. I don't know what I said when you got worried about me.

Do you think that you must pay the rent and all that kind of stuff? Were those the original memes? Things that everyone would talk about in the schoolyard and no one knew what they came from? Correct. The original memes. Firebringer is the is the music. It's a music about cave people? I don't know. I think it is.

Let's see what the the the synopsis is. Give me that synopsis. Oh, it follows characters in the prehistoric era where the invention of fire is studied. Oh, and it's- Studied. It's from Chicago, which is why you're talking about it. That's why, that's why I know about it.

Ah, yes, of course. But speaking of songs, one thing I wanted to bring up is, I saw this the other day and I'm hoping I can find it on the internet. Here it is. But you weren't going to play that girl singing that song? I kind of wanted to hear it. I thought that's where we were heading.

I thought we were heading towards that. Well I found the synopsis of what it is. Here's a StarKid fire bringer. We have to get back to the cave. I'm sorry. We got work to do. This is not time for singing and dancing right now. We got work to do. I don not time for singing and dancing right now. We got work to do.

I don't really wanna do the work today. I don't really wanna do the work today. I don't really wanna do the work today. I don't wanna do the work today. What? What's this? Uh oh. I don't really wanna do the work today.

What's this? And then you just post that one, you don't wanna work. I don't really wanna do the work today. Was this successful? I don't know what it is and I don't really want to do the work today. Was this successful? I don't know what it is. It could not have been. And I don't know how it happened. Star Kid Productions?

But I've seen- Stop saying Star Kid Productions. I know. It sounds like you're trying to sell us on it. Are you involved in Star Kid Productions? I think that's heard by Star Kid Productions. They're making a lot of noise at a Star Kid Productions. I'm seeing a lot of clips.

I saw this the other day. I want to play it because we've talked about Kidz Bop a lot of noise in StarKid productions. I'm seeing a lot of clips. I saw this the other day, I want to play it, because we've talked about Kidz Bop a lot. And this is a new Kidz Bop jam. Oh, new Kidz on the Bop? That they've had to do a lot of work rewriting the lyrics. Oh my God. I'm excited.

But first, here's a Target ad. Great, thank you. Mm-hmm. ["Target Bop"] I mean, this is a good song. If you didn't know what it was the target at, you would just be listening to Dallas Hall. I don't wanna do the work to... Oh no.

You didn't have to cut me off. What are they gonna say? They're just getting around to this one? Like, why did they do this? Well, because this has been used as a in some new song. You can't think of what it is. Oh, yes. Right. We're excited. Oh, they're doing anxiety. I thought they were doing the old time. I don't think kids should be singing.

I was just going to say, do kids need this? No. Listen to the rap. I think kids should be singing when they're ready. I was just gonna say, do kids need this? No. Listen to the rap. Jesus. Brrrrra! This is one of Emi's favorite songs though.

The kids bop version? No, the real version. Well yeah, it's great! Ow, ow, ow. My head hurts from anxiety. Okay, here's the rap. Solo, no mojo. I bounce back, no logo.

Unhappy, oh no no. New brand, no logo. Money on my no go go unhappy. Oh no. No new brand Money on my flow got rhymes like buster. I think I need a jacket cold like Russia Okay, do they name check kids bop in there yes No mojo like okay I the original song is great I mean the anxiety song but that's really funny But I also feel like oh they must have felt cool when they were singing it Yeah, cuz they're all sort of strutting around it's in a fish eye lens and they're all just sort of oh I forget

There's videos of these kids doing these fucking songs. That's cute. Yeah, they're on top of like it looks like the TMZ bus You don't think being on top of one of those buses is safe? Is it a double decker like one of those? Yeah, and they're standing and dancing? Yeah, they're not just on top of a bus roof. It's like an open air... Right. Right.

I mean, right. I mean, right. Right. Right. That'd be so scary if you were on top of one of those buses and it went through a tunnel. Nothing would be fun. I wanna be beheading. Nothing would be fine.

Nothing would be fun. Nothing would be fine. Fine and fine. That's great. You have to figure they've worked out the route beforehand, right? I would have to figure that out. That would have to behead anyone.

Because they're going over to so and so's house and this, that, the other. Hey, just in case somebody gets up there, let's figure out the route so nobody gets beheaded. And also let's get everyone to duck really low. Yeah. Don't make it so that they're not looking and then at the last second they look up and that's when the head comes off.

I saw somebody painted like a Looney Tunes style tunnel on a wall that was like hyper realistic. Do you think that could work? And people were upset. Because people kept trying to do it? I don't know, wait, is this real? That is real. I didn't click and I don't know what happened next, buddy.

So you read a post about a headline. I read a post about a picture. Yeah. Just hundreds of dead coyotes in front of it. People were upset. Yes. Running splat into it. Dead coyotes. To the wall. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the deer piss hit the wall. I think it's not even deer piss.

It's not deer piss. Because coyotes eat deer. They would. We sprinkled the piss. It's not deer piss. Because deers like coyotes eat deer. They would. No, we sprinkled the piss everywhere. What is the piss? We sprinkled the piss everywhere. What animal was on the box of piss that you had? God, I can't remember.

Wolf piss? Wolf piss? It might have been wolf piss. Or lion piss. Lions eat coyotes. That's probably cheap, right? Lion piss? They're just pissing it around all day.

It's just piss. How could you ever justify the price? It's just piss. OK. It're just pissing it around all day. It's just piss. How could you ever justify the price? It's just piss. Okay, it's just 20 bucks 20. Let's make it five. It's just piss Let me tell you putting a catheter in a lion's peen is not easy you should be paying me You don't think they just scoop it up off the grass scoop it up There's something standing a big bowl. I would just have up. They just have them stand in a big bowl. I would just have, you have them stand in like a kiddie pool. Yeah, that's what I would do.

Piss the day away. But then if it's inflatable, their claws could pop it. If it's inflatable, it's not inflatable, it's plastic. It's gotta be the old school plastic one. It's plastic, that's what it is. Cast iron maybe? A cast iron kiddie pool. Yeah, how about a big cauldron?

Blazing hot. A porcelain tub maybe. You put call blazing hot porcelain tub? Maybe you put a line in the porcelain tub and they're like, but it's not natural for me to pee here and you go just wait it out. Just you're going to pee eventually. I'm going to turn out a little trickle of water and you're going to start paying. I know I didn't close the drain. Oh, that was a gallon gone. Oh no, we forgot to go.

It's a gallon every time the water out of the porcelain tub, and then when it's all gone, he has to go pee pee. Then you just keep him in there. And you say, buddy, just let your body relax. Well, clean off your feet. I know it seems wrong. Let your body relax. Don't think about it.

I know you're not on a toilet, but don't think about it. When you think about the. It's not, I know you're not on a toilet, but don't think about it. The way that when you think about like the muscles in your body. Oh man, I think about them all the time. Check these out. Clonk. Clonk. Clonk. Yeah.

That you're able to, that you're not aware of using, like if you have to go to the bathroom really badly and then you are exercising something inside you that's cutting off that valve right yeah so it's like not yet yeah it's why it's so weird to me yeah the fact that you have control over it and then you can lose control over it yeah yeah yeah lose control make me lose control of my belt. Music make me lose control. What is that from? Missy Elliott? Music make me lose control.

Do you remember the last time you had to pee so bad and it was like close to peeing your pants? I don't. Me neither. But you know what? I'm sure it was recent. Let's hear Missy Elliott lose control. But first here's an ad from Soda Thoughts Diner. Why do you help the companies? What's funny is you can just go to your phone

and use whatever streaming service you subscribe to. There it is. OK. I haven't heard this in such a long time. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I love when little kids, I'm remembering that little kid. Yeah, the little kid. Who's grown up now. Alison Stoner.

Yeah, yeah. She was so great. And I just love, I love little, what? She did. I was so ready to believe it. No, I think she's actually really cool. I saw some posts from her where she's like doing cool stuff now. Like she's off the grid a little bit. Riding a log flune. That kind of thing.

But I love when little kids can dance so hard. That's so cute. I'm unnerved when little kids are too good at dancing. At anything really. Something well. Like you see the Tiger Woods when he's five years old like hitting like drives. That doesn't bother me. For some reason it's only dancing

because it looks too sophisticated. Yeah. If you know something. It's uncanny. Yeah. You know? But like if I see a kid shredding on a guitar, I'm like, that's wild.

Yeah. Well, I think a lot of times when I see a video of dancing now on Instagram, I think it's AI. Sure. And I don't know if I should believe it. Sure, sure, sure. How are we ever gonna believe anything anymore? I'm sure I've mentioned this,

because I feel like I have, but that musician, David Foster, who wrote on, He's married to Catherine McPhee. He is, and he has a child with her, who is, from my estimation, a drum prodigy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The drumming was absolutely amazing. Yes, yes, yeah, yeah. They were posted videos of the drumming was absolutely amazing.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. My friend who's a musician told me a story about, I think maybe they're a famous drummer now, I can't remember, but like when they were three years old, they had a toy drum set and just banging around according to the parents and then a like musician or music executive came over to the house and was like, oh no, this person's like a prodigy. Wow. And the parents had then a like musician or music executive came over to the house was like Oh, no, this person's like a prodigy. My parents had no idea because it's just like you're just sold the drums immediately

Yeah, like we didn't thank you for telling to pay for the hair Yeah, they all had hair after that all bought hair They got long wigs. Did you see that video of it's two women in a in a big. Yes, I did. Hold on, let him narrow it down. Okay, sorry. Good. Two women doing what now?

They're playing guitar in a big. Are they in clothes? This is the Robert Palmer video. Then I think it's a Scott hasn't seen. They're playing guitars in a big mariachi band. And while they're playing, they're clearly like gossiping. Like they're telling, one is telling a story about something.

Just while they're playing really proficiently. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. To be able to do that and talk at the same time. Yeah, like even singing and playing a guitar at the same time mystifies me. I think singing and drumming is the one that is like Phil Collins or the Jellyfish drummer. Don Henley. It actually is really amazing when you try it yourself, which I mean, I don't know how

to play an instrument well, so that's already step one. I'm a little bit screwed at that point. But I've tried it, you know, at times like learn a song on the ukulele and then like sing along with it. And it's like, I'm so focused on the notes and I'm like, I don't know. I'm like, it is actually amazing that people can do that with two parts of their brain at the same time. And then being Jimi Hendrix, being on fucking drugs. And then playing guitar while lighting it on fire at the same time. We found out that was an accident. That was an accident. Oh, he didn't mean to.

He did not mean to. What about when Michael Jackson sang while his hair was on fire? Now that was on purpose. Pepsi! All right, we have to take a break. to. What about when Michael Jackson sang while his hair was on fire? Now that was on purpose. All right, we have to take a break. Let me tell you something. When you're talking about small things, there's nothing small about starting your own business. What do I know about it? I'm just a dumb comedian. Well, guess what? I sell things to people who are dumb enough to like my comedy. And that means I got to do businessy stuff that I never thought I would have to do and that I was scared of, quite frankly. But because I care,

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Cha-ching. Guys, there's someone I want to introduce you to. Okay, who? J-Lab. Oh, is that you? You misspoken you're saying JLo, right? No no no. Really?

No, you're incorrect. Okay. And no, it's not my girlfriend. I'm happily married, thank you. Okay. It's JLab. You don't have a side piece? Will you shut up?

JLab. Okay, JLab. Tell me about JLab. What is JLab? They are headphones and speakers as vibrant as your summer. Beach days, workout sessions, or chill moments, you can find the perfect sound with JLab, as I previously mentioned. I got some of these.

Oh, so you know! Yeah! JLab's colorful collection has something for every summer adventure and every moment. Okay, here, Lauren, picture headphones and speakers in fresh summer colors with features you actually want for things like beach workouts. Have you ever chilled by a pool? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or like sunset jamming sessions? We all do those, right? Or sunset jamming sessions. You're telling me something I already know, because I recently got a pair of JLab's JBuds Lux over ear headphones in the color cloud which was honestly the perfect gray. It's everything, it's chic, it's cool.

Yeah, well they've been the perfect companion for my summer travel because let me tell you they're lighter than my other headphones that I had before. They fold up which my other ones didn't do. These are things that make it much easier to travel. I put them in the bag, they can go, they're super comfortable. They have active noise canceling which obviously you need on airplane. Yes, the best part they fold up. That's what I love I could not fold my other ones I love to fold they actually connect unlike remember when we were on tour last year Paul and I was watching aliens resurrection and

The headphones didn't connect and I just ended up blasting people shouting fuck you They were really bad at those aliens. Anyway, don't miss out on JLab's newest line, their Summer Speaker Series. From pocket-sized to party-sized, the JLab Party Speaker Series brings powerful sounds to any summer gathering. By the way, pocket and party are not mutually exclusive. They have vibrant colors like lime green, cyan, and hot pink, as well as classic black. Maybe start with the ultra portable pop party speaker for beach picnics,

then step up to a go party for backyard barbecues, then level up with JBud's party for all day beach sessions and go epic with the epic party speaker in classic black, delivering 100 Watts of massive 360 degree sound for unforgettable summer nights. By the way, personal experience, I learned the name of the color cyan from playing Halo multiplayer. Oh, good for you. I learned it from the New York times crossword. Or appears regularly. Look for the blue box at retailers everywhere or shopjlab.com and use code THREEDOM for 15% off your order today.

These are already low prices. You're gonna get 15% off. All you gotta do is look for that blue box at retailers everywhere or shopjlab.com. JLab, we love you. Yep, and use that code THREEDOM. Y'all know me, Scotty D. Yeah, I'm not into chasing trends, right?

The chen, the chens trace me. The trends chase me. I'm, but you know, I'm all about the stuff that fit right, feels good, actually lasts. Well, that, that is why I keep coming back to Quince. Quince yeah they're lightweight layers and high quality staples have become my everyday essentials. Quince has the kind of stuff that you will actually wear on repeat like stuff like you know breathable flow-knit polos, or crisp cotton shirts and comfortable lightweight

pants that somehow work for both weekend hangs and dressed up dinners. And you know the best part? Everything with Quince is half the cost of similar brands. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out those middlemen. We hate the middlemen, don't we folks? Quince gives you luxury pieces without the markups and Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. I got some of this Quince stuff the other day. I've been wearing it on the outside of my body.

I got one of their, quince's 100% European linen relaxed short sleeve shirts. And I mean, I'm kind of like, why didn't I get the long sleeve? This is so good. Breathable, perfect for the hottest of days. Look, at quince, you're gonna wanna stick to the staples that last with elevated essentials from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash freedom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash freedom. You're gonna get free shipping and 365 day returns. That's quince.com slash freedom. Paul, Paul, wake up, wake up. Well, sorry, was I snoring? I don't think so.

I have a new a new feature on the show. What? This week? A little segment. This is a new segment. Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to claim it was a feature. This is a segment I call Two Assholes.

Oh. I don't like the sound of that. I don't know where this is going. No, this is about two other assholes that I saw on the internet. Okay, good, good. Now I like it. I think I'm interested.

All right. There's two people that I ran into since the last episode that we just did. Shall we call them asshole number one and asshole number two? Asshole number one. Two people you ran into that you don't know. Don't know these people. Okay. But I'm here to call them out.

Good. Okay. Me and the family who was visiting during the summer we all went to Know this your first time meeting this family. Yes. No. Yeah, it was a random drawing You did do that yes, I finally did that so glad but Paul we have to ask what's up with your cameo people are saying It's not active. No, this is unfortunately I am very busy right now and so I cannot do it But I'm going to I will activate it because people want to buy it I know but then I can't do the cameos in a timely manner

Yeah, just say like I'll do these eventually know what this is what this is what happened to me before is like I Build up I got I got behind and then I let people down and I don't wanna do that again. You got behind. And I'd love to watch you move. I bought a cameo the other day as a bit that was extremely satisfying. If people are not buying them as bits, I don't know what's going on.

Yeah. They're only to be bought as bits. If you're a person on a reality show and someone's buying a cameo, it's not because they like you. Like, so my friends had received a cameo from this person years ago. And then we were talking about this person as a reality star. And we were texting about them again.

And then and then Mike and I were like, should we buy a cameo right now for them to be funny? And so then we like, okay, let's go do it. Your show gets ordered. Let's buy a cameo. Well, we looked it up and I was I was like, okay, let's go do it. Your show gets ordered. Let's buy a cameo. Well, we looked it up and I was like, you know, wondering how much was gonna be. So we bought it.

Did you write it on your little book? I did, I wrote my book. I should bring that back honestly, because things are out of control. I should write in my book, but I, so we bought it and there was an option to pay more for it to be delivered within 24 hours. I was like, you know what?

No, let's not do that. I got it well within 24 hours and it was like, you know what? No, let's not do that. I got it well within 24 hours and it was, it delivered. It was six minutes long. I sent it to them and then we got on FaceTime and we were talking and I was like, guess how much it costs. I was like, the price is pretty crazy. Guess how much it costs. They were like a hundred dollars. And I was like $5. It was $5. It should be more. It should definitely be more. For six minutes.

Canio takes money from you when they take a percentage. I'm like, I don't know if I'm supposed to tell this guy you got to charge more. And then they sent me one back from him. But it was $5. Two can play that game. Now we can do it all day long because it's five bucks. You can have a conversation with this guy. I'm also like, I don't think he's even talking that all the names are the same. But like, there's four of us being named each time and like, it's all like, but like the,

and he just tells about random stuff and it's, it's very, it's entertaining, but I couldn't believe the $5. I was like, that's, and it was $10 if you want it tomorrow, like 10 plus 10. And I was like, well, no, I'm not gonna pay 10 more. I'm gonna pay five Let's just see what happens and I got in 18 hours But it was just like the the devaluing of yourself for five dollars I'm like he's he's someone who definitely could use the money. I know that he's he's living in a crazy place I mean if you're gonna do it charge

20 25 maybe I thought he could honestly here 40 i thought he could Like if it's five is he doing them all day long and he just gets he just gets so many because it's that's what i think And maybe there's something that he's trying to do a volume Yeah, yeah, and so i mean they must know what cameo helps you price it. I would bet that after each one, this person goes cha-ching. Yeah. Out loud.

Well, he lives in a place where things cost basically nothing. So that's gotta be true. Okay, there's no running down who it is. Yeah. All right, back to my asshole. Oh, what? And the other one.

Oh yeah. And your additional asshole. So we're going to this restaurant, which is in a mall. It's Eataly. Why am I trying to obfuscate what the restaurant is? Doc some. Doc that restaurant. Yeah, I dox it.

Eataly's good. This is you and the family. Yes, so we all get out. We're in the parking lot. We're walking up to the restaurant. This particular restaurant, the opening of it, the entrance, as people say, is right there. The ingress. Yes, is right there.

The ingress. Yes, is right there off in the parking lot structure. Perfect. Right, because it's not like a mall structure. No, it's not like a mall where you go. But it's part of it. It's part of the mall, but the entrance to this, it has a big name, it says Eataly right there,

and it's right there next to Parking Space. It's own dedicated entrance. Yes. People are milling about after a nice meal right outside having conversations. A person who is parked right there next to the entrance in a huge douche canoe, aka Cybertruck, is backing up and he's backing up. Doesn't the car make some weird noise or the horn? I was the horn. So the horn is like a kind of like a rooga or something.

It's just it sounds like it's just it's not even a real horn. So I want to hear a sidebar check corn. Yeah, we're going to have to get that. I don't care what ad we have to listen to. I'll listen to an ad for anything. Anything. I don't care how long it is. All right here's one. I ordered 200 hand forged knives to my dorm room. This is an ad for Wix. I'm Noah Rosen founder and owner of forged digital knives. This next topic there's a brand new excitement truck horn noise. Sometimes the way people make

videos so long. I don't want to hear people talking about them. Just play the fucking noise. Seems like I stopped. Somebody picked up a... You don't want to hear people talking about them. Just play the fucking noise. Uh, alright, here... Well, here's the new sound. Whatever the new sound. New Cybertruck update. Just dropped, guys. We got a new horn sound.

Jesus Christ. So I'm gonna let you hear what it sounds like. Oh, so it updates like over a computer? Oh, thank you for letting us. This is the original horn. Okay, it's not that. We didn't use that. Now let's do the update.

Okay. 24 hours later. Did he fall asleep? He's like update successful. And just like that the update is done. It takes like a second. And just like that. Wow. It doesn't like your computer malfunctioned.

Yeah. Perfect. It sounds very computerish and it didn't get anyone's attention. And of course he's so excited. It sounds great. So it didn't get anyone's attention because it just sounds like a fake sound. It also sounds like it's far away.

Yeah, it's not. Yeah. It didn't sound real. First one sounded like a horn. It didn't sound real. So this guy's backing up and he's trying to get people's attention and everyone's having like fun conversations.

Wasn't the Cybertruck enough? And then... We try to not look at them. He does it enough and he like rolls his window down and he shouts, hey, hey, and so everyone Hey, Cybertruck! Hey, I'm trying to move my big metal box. Everyone backs up. By the way, his Cybertruck is too big to be parked this close to the entrance.

Sure. But he finally backs up, he rolls down the window and he goes, What, have you never been around a car driving before? Next time I should hit you. What? And this is asshole number one. This is number one. Well, he's worse than number two. And you're sitting there with children?

Oh, so he deserves. He deserves. That's disgusting. Yeah. What a loser. He's a filthy animal. I don't punch him in the nose So what'd you say no, I've never been in cut around a car that's driving I'm only ever on parked cars I'm scared I would have been like I would have been like I would have been like, uh, oh, that's a car I actually thought that was my grandmother's jewelry box. Okay, asshole number two, and this guy's not as bad.

Okay. This guy just bugged me. This guy's just like... Yeah, I went to the doctor the other day. And I'm... I thought for some reason, the two assholes would be in the same story. No, sorry. Yeah. So sorry. So did I. But it's been so long since we've been around each other.

I had to collect these assholes over multiple days. It's called hanging out, not just being around each other. Hanging out is to be fair. It's been around each other. Hanging out now implies no paycheck. No, it now implies like some sort of romantic thing. Like, oh, we're just hanging out. Oh, does it really?

Oh, it does? Yeah. Bring back going together. Going around as we used to say. Going, we just call it going. So I'm walking up the stairs to this office. We call it go. And I'm reading an article on my phone

as I go up the stairs. Oh, that's steak number one. To be, And I'm reading an article on my phone as I go up the stairs. That's steak number one. To be, and I'm not, I'm not defending myself improperly or trying to, you know. Is this a twist where you're asshole number two? Yeah, yeah. According to this guy, yeah. Because I'm hugging the right side of the staircase.

Because I know. You're looking down, someone someone come down their way. Yes. And and there's plenty of room to my left. Yeah, for for people to come down. But I'm if you're listening from another country in America, we have wide staircases. Yes, I'm very beautiful. I love gorgeous. I love a wide there because I can I can twirl on each step left to right right. So I maybe three steps from the top and there's, I hear beep beep. Oh, and I look up and there's a new Cybertruck horn.

It just sounds like a guy. Beep beep. No, it's a gentleman. It's an older gentleman, possibly 75 or so. Okay. That, that I think plays into him being annoyed that I'm on my phone or something. Yes. He goes beep beep.

And I look up plenty of room for him to get by. And he goes, ha ha ha ha. Is that funny though? Like we all do that, right? We're all on our phones and not looking where we're going these days. Ha ha ha ha. And I just, and I didn't move or anything. I didn't have to move.

I just like went, uh huh. And I went up the stairs and he tried calling after me, like, you know, still to continue the bid he was doing. And I just like- Maybe he felt rude for doing the beep beep. Maybe. He was trying to soften it. In his day, that was like slapping a glove

across someone's face. Yeah, beep beep. Yep. So this guy's annoyed that everyone's on their phone, but they're not in his way. Beep beep. So what's his issue, I wonder? His issue, you know, but as I'm saying beep beep, when was the last time I said that? It's like, that's something that was, it was definitely said to me as a kid. You know, your parents are like, beep beep, like move out of the way, but it's, it's condescending to another adult. Well, I've had people coming at me who are reading on their phone and they're just about

to bump into me. I like to let them do that. Yeah, I won't move. I tend to just kind of put my arms, keep walking. I tend to put my hand up and sort of wave. I like to reach my hand out like very tentatively to see if they're real. Yeah. Like they're hologram.

Yeah. They can be in the chest. They could be AI now. They could be AI now. They could be AI now. Here's what I think happened in that man's mind. He saw that he was maybe vaguely concerned. He was gonna get bumped into and knocked down the fucking stairs.

That's a Rizzo style. And he, he was kind of annoyed. He was like beep, beep. And then he realized, oh wait, I've done that too. Now I have to make it like, oh we all do that. Or he sees me not even move. And realizes like, oh shit, I didn't have to do that. I did not have to beep beep him.

And I think you're right though, the realization of, of course we've all done this. Made him nervously say all the rest of it and trying to get me to go like, it's okay. Please co-sign! He's like, I take it back, everything I said. I would not co-sign, I would not apologize. Okay.

I just went along my merry way. I have to say, and this is not to, this is not, I'm not, I'm on your side. Am I the asshole? No, no, no. You are my friend. A-I-T-A? A-I-T-A? A-I-T-A?

Um, I don't think he was, I would not qualify him as completely an asshole because I think his sort of sheepish over explanation. Yes. I also think he's from a generation who would prefer that I nod to him or say, Hey, good morning or something. Cause this is very early in the morning. Good afternoon. Oh, good morning.

Cause I had to fast, you know, in order to be there and all that kind of stuff so. We didn't know that part. So you were having a colonoscopy. You don't have to fast for oh maybe you do. Yeah you do. What do you have to fast for? You absolutely have to. Well you have to not only fast you have to clean out.

You have to drink the stuff. All of the dirty stuff in your body. The juice Shelby. You have to drink the juice Shelby. This was just to take blood. But yeah, it was pretty early in the morning. I think he was of the generation who wants people to be like nodding to each other as they pass,

like good morning, good morning. Good morning Mr. Mad Men. I got, why aren't you wearing a hat? I had blood drawn one time. I had a doctor's appointment and we were talking about stuff. The doctor said, yeah, maybe we should get a blood sample. Have you had breakfast today? And I said, yeah, I had like an egg

and a vegetarian sausage. I did not add that I also had a pastry that morning that a friend had brought over. And he's like, okay, yeah, just go get it. And then of course the results were insane. Right. Yeah. This guy's blood is made of sugar. And they're like, oh right.

They never admit it. The first few times I had my blood drawn, they never really told me why you had to fast for it. So I just didn't eat, but I had like stuff to drink and stuff and they're like, wait, you haven't eaten and your blood results are this crazy. I was like, oh no, I had like orange juice and stuff. Yeah. They're like, no, you can't have like any of the sugar in that.

That's liquid food, bud. Yeah. Well, all drinks are liquid food. Not water. Well, have you ever had ice? Have you ever heard of ice? Have you ever had a cooked, have you had a cooked Coke? Yeah. What? you ever had a- Ice? Have you ever heard of ice? Have you ever had a cooked- That's solid.

Have you had a cooked Coke? Yeah! What? Have you had a cooked Coke? I love a boiled Coke. Deep fried Coke? Where it's so thick. Yeah, and you can just cut it with a knife.

It's so good. Do you know what I love even more is deep fried Pepsi. It's actually better. Wow. Yeah. Wow, people will be shocked to hear. I was thinking of our Pepsi challenge the other day. Fun.

Ugh, man. One of my proudest moments, honestly. Absolutely. What was the cola that you brought that I thought was so good? I've never had it again. I didn't like that one. Was it the Boilins? Yeah, it was Boilins.

Boilins is great. Is that what it was? No, but there was another one that was No, it was called like another weird one that was something totally different. something so gross. The Boilins though was great. I gotta order some of that.

You gotta. Wow, he's great. Boilins has a great line. Scott made a note to self about that. You gotta. Boylens has a great line of sodas. Scott made a note to self about that. You know who has them in store, which is very rare, I've never seen it anywhere else, is Mendocino Farms. Mendocino! That's their fountain drink. If you want a special soda, you go to, oh yeah, that is their fountain drink, which is disappointing.

Why? Well, I mean, I think a lot of people just want a Coke. A lot of people do. to coke a lot of people do I don't drink coke Mendocino farms right now for a lot of people it's for special people Okay, who want to feel like they're ordering a sandwich from a cult. There's a store in Highland Parker Eagle Rock that is called galco's Galco, okay, and it's all soda pops.

It's all interesting. Oh, I've heard of this place. And they have also they also sell puzzles, which I. Interesting. So you said all soda pops and then you say they also sell puzzles. So how does that make sense? They sell all kinds of soda pops and puzzles. You meant they sell all soda pops, like every soda pop you can think of. Pretty much. It's a it's what it's and they sell old candy like vintage styles. So they sell a lot of stuff.

It's it's it's probably called something like Galco's soda pop or something. But then they also have a couple of other things. Hmm. So it's Galco's and a couple of other things. Galco's soda pop and maybe it's Gal and company and the company is all the other stuff. Regardless. Like it's the new york butter and company. We could do we could do a soda test using fun flavor Or just a taste test where we try things. Yeah, you know what? I would like like exotic sodas. Yeah, I would like I'll bring some in I would like like what's the most exotic soda you can think of? Yeah, well, yeah, well carbon. If it's not carbonated.

Carbonated wolf piss. Flat is not good. No, that is just wolf piss. But if it's carbonated with those bubbles. If it's carbonated with wolf piss, soda. Yeah. I'll see what they have that's interesting. Yeah, go see what they have.

I want to have another taste test. Lauren, because you're from the Midwest, did you grow up saying pop? I did. And I've adjusted to make everyone else comfortable. Thank you. I realize I don't say pop anymore because it sounds almost like I'm trying to say pop. Like it's a little effective. I say it sometimes, cause I like it.

I like it better than soda. I like to say a bottle of pop. But sometimes I'll say like, do you drink pop or something? And then I'm like, you know what? No one here says that. It does sound like I'm trying to be different. Yes, where I am from, we would say, pops would be used in terms of drinks. Like you would say, we'll have a couple

of Pops. Right. Oh, stop in here and have a couple of whiskey. Like a drink. It could be anything. Oh, yeah. Water. Orange juice. Coconut water. Well, like it would it be alcohol, alcohol, or you're saying any kind of beverage like let's just drink. Okay. Yeah, I like that. That's interesting. Cause also where is it? Couple of snorts. Couple of snorts, couple belts.

Is it Philadelphia or somewhere else where they say, like Sprite is sort of like a catchall. No, that's a Southern thing where they say Coke. Coke is a catchall and can include Sprite? Yes. Like, hey, would you like a Coke? I'll have a Coke, what kind of Coke do you want? Sprite. Yeah. And that's crazy. Right. It is crazy. I've never heard would you like a Coke? I'll have a Coke, what kind of Coke do you want? Sprite.

Yeah. And that's crazy. Right. Yeah. It is crazy. Yeah. I've never heard Sprite as a catch-all, but Coke as a catch-all. You're right.

I think I mixed it up. I think some people say Tonic. Is that true? Tonic. Yeah. Wow. Wow. No, your podcast didn't stop.

That really had shut us down. We didn't know what to do or where to go. I was trying to think of another tissue brand because I was like, hey, would you want a Kleenex? Sure, what brand? Scott. Scott Tissues. They're the two biggies, right?

Why has nobody done tissue brand tissue? Yeah. Then we're just tissue. If it's not a tissue, it's not a tissue. That's actually a good idea. It's pretty good. Let's go into business again. All right. Let's do it. Tissue brands. Tissue. That's what our business is going to be? Yeah. With our faces on it. They did what? They did a mobile company. Just broadly. All right. We have to take a break. Burnoo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-noo-no plans to do so many things. But you know what doesn't belong in your epic summer plans?

Getting burned by your old wireless bill. Can you imagine a Beach Boys song about that? Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- out of here with that. Anyway, while you're planning beach trips, barbecues and three day weekends, your wireless bill should be the last thing holding you back. And that is why I made the switch to mint mobile. All plans come with high speed deed, uh, high speed data. Does that make sense to you? It does to me because data is what I call data. And so when I say they all come with high spade,

high, you know what I'm talking about. When I say high spade data, it's high speed data, right? They all come with it. They come with unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network, ditch overpriced wireless and get three months of unlimited service from Mint Mobile for 15 bucks a month.

Look, I did the math. People were like, you do the math. So I was like, oh, yeah, okay, I'll do the math. Switching to Mint Mobile would have saved me hundreds of dollars a year on my wireless bill if I had just done it 80 years ago. A hundred dollars a year for 80 years? I'd be sitting pretty right now instead of doing this ad. Well, anyway, this year, skip breaking a sweat

and breaking the bank. Get this new customer offer and your three month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month at mint mobile.com slash freedom. That's mint mobile.com slash freedom upfront payment of $45 required equivalent to $15 per month, limited time, new customer offer for the first three months only speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile for details.

An Australian hiker travels to the American West to walk a wilderness trail. Wasn't afraid to be out on his own. But Eric Robinson vanished in the high Uinta Mountains. I remember thinking, Eric, what were you thinking, mate? I'm Dave Colley. Join me on my podcast, You went to Triangle, where I travel the world to answer the question, what happened to Eric Robinson? Follow You went to Triangle. That's U-I-N-T-A, Triangle on Apple podcasts

or wherever you listen. And we're back. Hey Paul. What? Fuck, what? Are you gonna fucking ask me what a three-trick is? I don't know what it is. Are you gonna fucking ask me what a three-trick is? I wasn't gonna ask you, I just don't know what it is. I'm afraid to ask him now, Lauren.

Fine, I'll do it. Okay, you do it. Hey, Paul. Before you... Wait, wait, no, no, no. Before you... Okay. There's... I want you to- There's this game we like to play, it's also known as Haposter, and I don't know what it's called.

Hmm, interesting. Okay. Different approach. Can you tell us what it's called, please? I tell you what, why don't we play a feature, and then if it goes well, I'll tell you what, why don't we play a three chair? And then if it goes well, I'll tell you afterwards. Okay. Yeah, it's a deal.

Look at those low slung balls. Okay, this is I'm going to trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, We ever said that. OK, this is a feature called Crazy Pet Return submitted by Robert Troost. Thank you, Troost. And this is where somebody returns a crazy pet. Yeah. One person is returning their pet at the pet store because something's wrong with it. They don't know what their pet is. They don't know what's wrong with it. The other two work at the pet store. We do know these things. So we're going to text each other.

Paul, you'll be the person trying to return. Absolutely. The pet. And then, uh, Lauren, you and I will text. Why don't I text you what the pet is? Okay. You'll text me what's wrong with it. Okay. That's great. Um, and, um, I just need your number, Lauren. Uh, I'm not going to say that. What if you never have a phone number? I'm like? I just don't feel comfortable giving it to you. Like just to email me. Just need your mother's maiden name.

Okay, I have sent the pet. I got it. And Lauren's going to send the affliction. Our last texts are all weird things that we said on the show. Yes, us texting each other for three terms. weird things that we said on the show. Yes. I was texting each other for three terms.

Detrimental. Baffo. Triple cow, sow, sow, sow cow. The number eight. OK. All right. Lauren has sent it. I have yet to wait. What am I sending?

You're sending the affliction. I'm sorry. I thought. OK. OK. So anyway, she says to me, no, she's all pardon me, sir. And this is like a really accurate. No, that sounds that sounds that sounds exactly like I watched on the cameras. Yeah. Oh, pardon me, but I have to,

how many fish do you have in this store? It must be exhausting to talk like that, honestly. It's like we have one fish and it's right there. And it's the biggest fish you've ever seen. Oh, excuse me. Oh my God. Do you remember me from before? Oh, hi.

Hi. Hey, man. Oh, hi. Thanks for coming back in. Absolutely, sorry I couldn't buy the fish and I had to settle for the other thing. I know, it. Hi. Hi. Thanks for coming back in. Absolutely. Sorry I couldn't buy the fish and I had to settle for the other thing. I know, it's large. The bell didn't ring when you opened the door.

No, I silenced it. Oh. You have a bell silencer? Yeah. Okay. I gotta buy one of those. Well, anyways. It's like silly string canister,

you just shoot it at the bell. Just fills it up. And it just a little way, fills it up. Fills it up. Fills it up. What can we help you with? Well, the pet I did buy. Yeah. Yeah. There's a problem. Well, naturally this fucking bitch is always complaining. Excuse me? You can't ever buy a pet without complaining. Excuse me? No, nothing. Do you have to get by us or something? Do you really want to fart but you can't?

We have a side business though that can help you with that. What's the side business? It's a little tube that you put in your butt and let the air come out Tube and it makes music It's a little tube that you put in your butt and let the air come out. Mm-hmm. A tube. And it makes music. What is that? It's called Toot Toot the Musical Fruit. Why is it called the Musical Fruit? Because that's what people will call you. That's what you are.

If it's a tube, why not call it a flute? All right, we'll call it the flute. Just get off our case, man! I hate to tell you how to do your job! Toot toot the musical flute, the more you eat the more you fruit! Anyway, does that solve your problem? No! What can we do for you, ma'am?

This pet is defective! You sold me a broke pet! Okay. No way. Why would we do something like that? What's wrong with it? You tell me Look at it. Well, I guess it's a little bit of a

Yeah, I mean I see what she's talking about That could be fixed look at this leg. Yeah. Yeah, you should go to the vet to have that looked at It's not our problem. That's a vet. You sold it to me this way. Are you sure? Because once it leaves the store... Because I went to the vet and the vet said, I've seen this a lot, it happens at pet stores. Hmm, because we breed them? I mean, can... You admit it?

Oh, I mean, yeah, I think everyone knew that. Oh my god, she admitted! We breed these things, but you're the one who wanted one of these, these aren't even things that people normally have as a pet. Yeah. Well, it looked... What, do you have a lot of wood at your house or something? Yes, I do.

Well, I used to. Well, sure. I mean, is that why you bought this pet to get rid of all the wood? I had too much wood in my house. That's why I bought a beaver. It's not that. I don't actually think wood is part of what it does. That's why I bought a woodpecker.

No. Wood might not actually have anything to do with it Would you buy some honey because they sometimes their name has that I Don't know if they like it, but they eat it but they might be it Did you want to buy a badger? Yeah, that's also a verb. Yes, I did. Do badgers like wood? This one does, but that's not the problem. What's going on with that leg? Well, you can see for yourself. It's not as it's supposed to be. Compare it to the other ones.

The other ones are normal badger legs that go from the badger to the ground. Yeah. Sure. But this one, oh yeah, yeah, it's, it's, badger to the ground. Yes. But this one, ay-ay-ay! It's a little bent, sure, but that is just a symptom of the affliction that you're... Is it broken? It's probably because... Yes, it's broken!

But what part is it? The leg? No. No. Ankle? No. Foot? No. No. Leg shoulder? No. No. Ankle. No. Foot. No. Leg shoulder. No.

Leg shoulder. Shin. No. By the way, there's no way to fix this. It's just, you just gotta let it heal. It rhymes with no. That's why we keep saying no. To get you to know that I'm rhyming.

It's too low. No. No. It's a low. No. No. It's a ho. No. Although it might be. It's just for show. Just try every letter of the alphabet.

A broken. Toe. Yes! And who gives a shit? What a crazy return I'm making. Whogivesashit.com. You're the crazy one. You're coming in here with a badger with a broken toe

and wanting us to do something about it I read that thing to live in your house and have no problem Sorry, you know your wood start the toes are broken the broken toe is part of it Yes, and you just have to put a little splint on it. You should put that on the little side Shelf the badger's shelf They all have different problems. I'll just broke by the way the way, badgers are omnivores. And they don't typically eat wood, but we sold you one that would eat wood! That's not the part I'm complaining about! If a badger would eat wood, would a badger would eat wood?

I don't want a broken toe! I said they don't know! Oh my god, we gotta star in a musical together! We just did! I don't want to do the work today! I don't really want to do the work today! I don't want to do the work today. I don't wanna do the work today. The curtain goes up.

I don't want a badger with a broken toe. Broken toe, I say no, no, no, he's gotta have. All the toes that are straight and they go and then he's really great. And the badger ain't one, he didn't have to, but he had to do what I say he has to. Make me whole again with money. Here you go, sir. Cha-ching!ching $40 that's my cybertruck I'm sorry that's my new horn you forgot I'm a woman and you're $40 for the for the badger and you can still keep the badger how about that it's like one of those Amazon things where we know there's a piece of shit

you keep it who cares isn't that crazy? Thank you. Bye, ma'am. I hope to never see you again. What happened to your bell muffler? I took it with me. Wonderful. Wow. Badger with a broken badger with a broken toe. Badger with a broken toe. All right. So now I would tell Mitt Romney.

Now Mitt Romney and his favorite meat of hot dog. Oh, I love hot dog. Ten thousand dollar bet. He said his favorite meat was hot dog. Yes. Meat is hot dog. That's so crazy. I was somewhere the other day.

He's being super American by saying that. I think it's because he's super weird. Yeah. I was somewhere the other day saying $10,000. Someone is fucking crazy. Cause we were, we had some sort of disagreement. I was like, he looks at me like, what? That's the response that always gets $10,000. I, by the way, I had a dream last night where you and I were having a silly argument about something you were saying that Zach Galifianakis had

sort of tricked you into thinking that there were two songs, there were only two songs that referenced baldness. I thought this was real for a second. I can't even think of one that does. I can't either. And I was like, does pit bull have one? I was like, no, there's one. I'm bald as a pool cue.

I'm bald as a pool cue. Oh, ho, ho, ho. This is an interesting trivia. Bald as a pool cue. I'm bald as a pool cue! I'm bald as a pool hall! And I was saying, no, no, no, there's only, everyone knows there's only one. I think I'm going bald by rush. And then I was trying to figure out, did you really believe that there were two and there's clearly only one?

Or were you fucking with me? So you were making fun of me. This, this sounds like you were having anxiety about doing this episode today. Anxiety! No mojo. No mojo. Like Flojo. Gotta take no pogo.

All right. So, so I'm going to text Paul the affliction. Paul's going to text me the animalliction. Paul's going to text me the animal. And Lauren, you're going to. Oh, and somehow John Lithgow was involved. He sang the the the actual existing bald song in some show. So we were looking at.

All right. What am I? I love cameoing in your dreams. That's your cami. There's a nice to see you. You're sendingoing, or you're sending me the animal. I'll send you the animal. Now the last text from Paul is a gif, no, not even a gif, an emoji of a, of a, of a,

well, it's got money in the mouth. It's the famous money mouth. The money mouth, yes. He used to just have the dollar signs in his eyes and his tongue singing out. Tongue. They put it on his tongue too. Oh, actually.

It's more effective. I have to look at that. It is more effective. I don't know that I've actually. This guy loves money. Focked that different. You know what? I'm gonna copy it and I'm gonna send have to look at that. It is more effective. I don't know that I've actually This guy loves honey. clocked that different. You know what? He sees it, he tastes it.

I'm gonna copy it and I'm gonna send it to you, Lauren. Well, I'm gonna find it right now in my emojis. You know what? I'm just gonna send it to you, so you have a nice big version of it. There you go, I just sent one to you as well. Well, that's nice. Thank you.

Oh, his tongue looks great. His tongue really does look great. His tongue looks great. Tongue looks great. Oh my God, look at him. I don't wanna do the work today. I don't really wanna do the work. Excuse me, ma'am.

You don't wanna, we're the ones working here. You don't have to do the work. Be respectful if you're gonna come at our store. Excuse me. Hey, thanks for hiring me, by the way. Hey, I love you. Oh, you're new. I love you too.

You're new here? My new hair. You're new here. Relatively, yes. I mean, like the last hour. Yeah, it just started. It's my first hour. To what? To a dinosaur?

Relative to anything. Your span of human history? Sure, relative to- Is that what you're here to talk about, ma'am? Cleopatra's reign? I actually, right here, I have a big problem. I'll say you do your food. As fuck!

Now you might remember me from being here last week, purchasing a new special pet that was going to change my life. We got so many customers, I can't remember them all. That would be crazy for my brain to remember all of them. Well does this ring a bell? Oh, I forgot to shoot at that. This animal here? Does this this ring a bell? Oh, I forgot to shoot at that animal here. The bell muffler back. Does this animal ring a bell? You're certain you bought it at this shop? Yes, because I came in it was my birthday. You both sang a song to me. Half a liter of birthday juice. Yeah, that's what she's saying.

And I never heard that one before. I thought that was all of our customers. You were just a customer, but you turned around and took your hat off and say absolutely. I put it over my heart. Yeah. Anyway, I'm new to the area. So that's why maybe I have. Where are you from originally?

San Marino. Oh, I love new to the area so that's why maybe I have a bird. Welcome! Oh, where are you from originally? San Marino! Oh, I love that area! Yeah. Why are you returning this gorgeous pet? Well, I think it's pretty obvious. First of all, this pet didn't fit through my door. How small is your door? What are we on, match game?

Well, this mouse... Huh? This mouse. Huh? This mouse. You got a mouse in your pocket? This mouse over here is, I want to let go because I want to feed it to one of your snakes. Please don't. Oh, well thank you.

Yeah, I appreciate that. By the way, our store is mainly snakes. So it's weird that you brought this animal in. This animal. That's why it's called Soda Pops Only. And is this, would you call it a rabbit? No. I would would you but I'm not. Oh, yeah, he's crazy. He would call a rabbit Hey, you're a rabbit. Its ears are very long, I

Think they're proportional for the animal. Yeah, I mean hair is gray Well, okay, that's fine. What's visible is gray gray. Well, okay, that's fine. What's visible is gray. Yeah, no, I think, yeah, well, I think the top is gray. Probably. It's allowed to be that color. It's such a common animal that you had to Google it

right now to look at what it looks like. I'm Googling other things. He's addicted to porn. You've heard that Robert Palmer song? Might as well face it, you're a gingerbread man! Open computer! Turn on Google! Search for all my porn right now!

What?! It's been nice knowing you ma'am. Thank you. Can't push me out the door! I'm a gingerbread man! What? Been nice knowing you ma'am. Thank you. Can't push me out the door. I'm a gingerbread man.

Your problem with the hair is the color? My problem with the hair is not the color. I'm just trying to narrow down the type of animal this is. You didn't even know what it was when you bought it? It's a cat. No. It's a dog. No.

It's a turtle. No. It's a tortoise. No. It's a kang cat. No. It's a dog. No. It's a turtle. No. It's a tortoise. No. It's a kangaroo. No. It's a wallaby. No.

It's a porcupine. You'll know what it is from what it eats. And by the trail of dead. It eats grass. You see all the dead things. Does it eat snakes? No. Does it eat grass?

No, it has a sweet tooth. It eats candy. No. Candy of the forest. Whatever that is. grass? No, it has a sweet tooth. It eats candy? No. Candy of the forest. Whatever that is. Fruit? No. No.

Is it a bird? No, it's not a bird. Are you? Eh. Wait, are you? Ah. Oh. I think we, let's cat, let's catch her.

We can sell her. Let's cat call her. Woo hoo. Hey, honey. So you should smile more. Check this out. Whistle. I whistled at you. Okay,. Check this out. I whistle at you. Okay. I don't know. I don't know what's going on, but it's-

You like candy of the forest, don't you? You have it occasionally. This thing won't sleep. In your Greek yogurt, perhaps? Or yogurt, depending on where you're from. Cherries. Cherries in Greek yogurt? That's nuts. Chobani.

Chobani to you. That wasn't Chobani to you, I went Chobani to you, sir. Chobani to us all this day. I have Nature's Candy in my, oh is it granola? That's right. No, it's Nature's Candy in granola. How disgusting would that be? Nature's Candy, I said to fruit and you said no.

I said your fruit. Two teeth of musical fruit. Pull that tube out of your ass by the way. It was a gift! What is this thing? Give me a hint. It's called what it eats. You're starting to do what it is. It's a grape.

It's not a grape. A grape isn't an animal. I'm starting to do what it is. Beg. What? Beg? Complain? Complain is closer. Wine? You won't let go, you won't let up on us. The candy of the forest of course is what all those little things that fly around make. Flies?

Not flies. Pollen? Bees? Honey. Honey badger. Yes! Why are you returning it? Because of its broken toe?

No! Its toes are fine, look! Honey. Oh! Honey badger. Yes! Yes! Why are you returning it? Because of its broken toe. No. Its toes are fine, look. Because of its broken ear. Here are its X-rays. Because it's, because it's-

Did you get a CT scan? Because its fur is covered in goo. No, it's not. Gum. I mean, to be honest, there isn't a lot of fur. Because you said what I could see of it. So it's been shaved. No, that's the- No, if only. I mean, that be honest, there isn't a lot of fur. Because you said what I could see of it. So it's been shaved. No, that's not.

I mean, that's the problem. Its hair is matted. No. It has a shell. What? I don't know what's coming out of my turnip for. It does not have a shell, honey. What is it?

I have to sneeze. Well, there isn't a lot of hair, unfortunately. It's so old. Bless you. Thank you. It's not big. It's bald. Yeah.

That's right. It's so bald. We thought you wanted it that way. As bald as a pool cue? Yeah. As bald as a pool hall. It's got the Larry David horseshoe. I'm as bald as a pool hall.

OK, I want to return it. OK, how much did you pay for it? Do you remember? I got two cameos from you. Excuse me. Thank you! Ma'am, I have to point to our sign. No returns unless you pay. Well, no, you're starting from the middle.

The top is, in this house. In this house, we say no to no returns and give them all day long. I put a double negative in there. Why did you do that? Oh no, now we have to give her a return! Thank you! Sploosh! Sploosh! Sploosh! So you paid with cameos. Here's your ten dollars back. Thanks. I'm gone. I did four cameos. She's standing right here. She just said she's gone.

I'm a ghost. I took her at her word. She's a ghost? Say whatever you want about me. I'm gone. Are you a ghost of a bird? I'm choked to the bone! That bird was really, really interesting. You know what? I'm inclined to agree! I would love to talk to that bird again. I wish the bird would come back. I wish that. I love the bird!

I love the bird! What's in the bird? What's in the bird? Where is the bird? Gah! The bird you're back! I flew off. Why did you return? I'm flying off now. But wait, don't you miss us? The bird keeps saying that she's leaving and she's clearly right here in front of us. Hunk. Hunk. I just got hit by a cyber truck. Have you never seen a car before? Not driving. Ooh. Wonderful.

The end. Wonderful. What two great little plays. Really? We should put them on their feet, get them up on a stage. Yeah. I'd love to recast.

If someone could transcribe that for us. You're gonna recast yourself or others. All of us. With big Hollywood stars. I do think we need bigger names. I think we need to get on that. us. You're gonna recast yourself for others. All of us. With big Hollywood stars. I do think we need bigger names. I think we need to get on that. Daniel Radcliffe. Yes.

Then the new kid. Radial Dancliffe. Everyone who's ever played Harry Potter. Yeah. Yep. Locally. On stage. Wait, who did that?

Somebody did that in a movie where I think it was a number of people ever played James Bond not James Bond I think Sherlock Holmes oh no no stop snapping it no I think it was no in strangers on a train that they had both played Robin Hood. Whoa, Errol Flynn and who? Not Errol Flynn. Kerry Elwes? Robert Walker and the other guy. Oh, Kevin Costner. I could be wrong.

Should I look that up? No, why not? And in any case, we had a good time. If you want to leave us a voicemail, we have been answering voicemails every episode, every other episode or so. You can go to that famous website that is also a phone company, HagClaims8.com. And you can leave us a voicemail and you can sign up for our special data plans there.

You need those. And if you're not using them, you're wasting your money every month. You're wasting your money because we should be getting your money. We need it. We need it. Okay. And let's see. And I didn't want to just say it.

I have a show August 31st with Mary, which I've already promoted a couple of times, but you can get your live stream tickets or come see it in person. It's gonna be fun. I have a show this Monday. Live Scott hasn't seen where we watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Whoa. It's Monday at Dynasty Typewriter at 7 p.m. I believe. And I think there's still a couple of tickets on sale. And so it's Sprague has not seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. We're going to watch the movie and talk about it, along with several other surprises.

And then if you're reading The Astonishing Spider-Man, you saw what came out on this week's issue and there's one more next week. That's exciting. And I just want to say, you know, I'm happy to be here. Yeah, I knew you were. I'm glad I'm alive. I'm also glad you're alive I'm I'm going to start on my cameo again. I'll post on socials when I have done that and we're gonna get

Again I won't get glaucoma. That'll be really good glaucoma. I'm getting glaucoma Who's that being? I don't know. Burt Lancaster. Oh, I don't know enough about Burt Lancaster to understand that. All right. I know about the Riddler's impersonation of him. Who played the Riddler again? Frank Gorsham. He did a Burt Lancaster impression that was really good. When he was the Riddler? Circa, no, not when he was in the costume and everything, but he used to go on like- When he would do the Riddler, he was strictly the Riddler.

But when he would do impressions on TV, yes. Strictly Dickly. Gorshin, by the way, is his name. Burt Lancaster, I'm gonna look it up and we're gonna hear a little bit of it as we go out. Let me demonstrate how Selectivision works. works now let's say there's something on television you want to watch later selectivision remote pause control you can record and stop eliminating segments from up to 20 feet away watch

Meh. Hm. This is James Cagney. You killed my rat, you dirty brother! Pretty good. I never said, hm, you dirty rat. Okay. I can't find it. Anyway.

HWAH! Thanks for, uh, listening. You killed my rat, you dirty brother? Is that what he said? Yes, because the, the, the typical hack line was, you dirty rat, you killed my brother. Oh. Yeah, you killed my rat, you dirty brother.

And then he's having fun. He's having a lot of fun. That's funny. Having fun. But then even James Cagney is like, fuck you. Yeah. Yep. You killed my rat, you dirty brother. And then he's having fun. He's having a lot of fun. It's funny. But then even James Cagney is like, fuck you. Yeah. Yep. Even James Cagney is like, fuck you. And he never said that.

All right, we'll see you next time, bye. Bye. Bye.