Threedom - I'm Not Insane, I'm Normal

Episode Date: May 29, 2025

Paul, Lauren, and Scott discuss cavemen humor, Hollywood gossip, and rude strangers before playing Pitch a Sitsong. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On August 9, 2014, a police officer shot and killed Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, setting off 400 days of uprising. Hands up! Don't shoot! Hands up! That's what the world saw. What they didn't see was the family, the grief, and the young man behind the headlines. Now, his mother, Leslie McSpadden, tells her story of love, loss, and the fight for justice.

I'm still Mike's mom. Once you're a mother, you never forget how to mother. From Lemonada Media and Campaign Zero, Still My Baby is coming out May 27th. Other People's Problems was the first podcast to take you inside real-life therapy sessions. I'm Dr. Hilary McBride, and again, we're doing something new. The ketamine really broke down a lot of my barriers. This work has this sort of immediate transformational effect. Therapy Using Psychedelics is the new frontier

in mental health. Come along for the trip. Other People's Problems, season five, available now. Freedom! Yeah. Freedom! Freedom! What's up, players?

What's up, Freedomland? I hope everyone's having the best day of their life. I hope you're crushing your goals. Do you think anyone listens to this while working out? I'm sure going on a run or whatever, but what about lifting weights? Yeah, man. Oh, I think for sure.

I think we get people pumped up. I think people have had to stop lifting weights because they were giggling. Yeah. Oh no, I'm dropping the. I think we get people have had to stop lifting weights because they were giggling. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm dropping the weights on my giggling muscles. Giggling and now my big, big muscular toe hurts. My abs are already sore from the sit ups I'm doing and now they're even more sore. Yeah. From the laughing I'm doing. Yeah. Laughter is a great way to get a six pack. It's kind of one of the main ways like nature's original way of getting a six pack.

Yeah, like the dog from Duck Hunt. He's ripped. Is that a video game? Yeah. He was always laughing like when you miss you laugh. That's the prime example of someone laughing. Absolutely. The dog from what do you think of most famous laugh in the world? A hyena, I guess.

Hyenas have a six pack. Yeah. OK. What do you think of? The most famous laugh in the world. A hyena, I guess. Hyenas have a six pack? Yeah. They're fucking ripped. They are hot as hell. What person is always laughing? Me? Who do you think of? Do you think you?

Like fake laughing? Isn't there someone who's like always going, who are we thinking of? The Joker? Yeah. I didn't want to bring him up like that. Do you think the Joker is fake laughing? I think he's sarcasticly laughing. It never occurred to me before.

I don't think he thinks the jokes are funny or anything, no. Fuck. I don't think the situation... He'd have to be truly think his jokes are funny. Or to think his situations he's in are funny, because usually they're not. They're quite dire. Because he laughs when things are going bad. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so say he poisons... You know what? There's a lesson there. He poisons the waters of life. Because he has a six pack? So. Yeah. He's so, okay, so say he poisons. There's a lesson there. He poisons the water supply. Because he has a six pack? So you're saying like. No, because we should, when you, when something bad is happening, why don't you laugh? Why don't you laugh a little?

Make everyone uncomfortable. Don't give it the power. So this is what I like to do. I turn on the news. Start punching you in the face, start laughing. Start laughing. I turn on the news and I'm just laughing my little ass off. What's funnier than the news?

So funny, everything going on in the world. The news is hilarious. Who was the first person to laugh? Did cavemen laugh? They went, huh! Well, I'm sure funny things happened, but maybe they weren't smart enough to... One, two, three!

Maybe they weren't smart enough to, like... We always... ...put together that something's funny. We always think about cavemen like, you don't think so. Like if they saw another came out fall down, they wouldn't be like, but we always think about cavemen like, like they're, they're struggling, right? They're, they're called for instance, they were struggling. You know, like they

only look, what was the, the, the, uh, uh, what, what they lived to their age that they would, like, you know, like their cave teams, not even, but like say, say cavemen live to their age that they would like to. Ten. Yeah, like they're cave teens. Not even. But like say cavemen live to be 20. You just think it's a life of misery the entire time. Like they're being attacked by saber-toothed tigers. You know they're probably like laying in a leaf hammock or like doing whatever the fuck.

You think that they, before the wheel even, they come up with leaf hammocks? They were laying in their cave. So they're laying in their cave, they're huddling together for warmth. They're laying on a skin. Right. But something funny had to happen. They knew they could kill animals. They knew they could rip the skin off.

Yeah. Something funny had to happen. As long as there have been human beings, there has to have been laughter. That's beautiful. You know what I mean? Yeah. Something's funny. That's so beautiful. Usually it's like a caveman tripping and falling into a bone that penetrates its skull.

And they go, haha, sucks to be. It's like America's funniest on video. Why do you only think they laugh at people hurting themselves? Yeah, well, I mean. What if they laughed at like a witticism? What, like Ugg? Like a dry ball mall. Who what do you think is the driest thing a cave man could say?

You have to. Here's what I bet they laugh at. Like they're playing caveman baseball, right? Where they have a big, a big bone from a. Club. They have a club. They have a club. Right. And someone throws like a rock, a rock at them around rock and the rock. They, they miss swinging out with a bone, but the rock hits them in the balls. And they're like, and then everyone goes, you think they'd laugh. They just say the one word they know instead of ha ha ha cause it would come out like that. Yeah. What do you think the first word was?

You can't. Until there's more words, you have to use that for every sound. What do you think the first word was that they all agreed, like, this is going to stick? Pussy. Ogogogog, pussy. Hey.

I would make them laugh. Me like. Ogog a couple right there. Me like, oh, I just said there's a couple right there. And that's how language evolves. And the words were flowing from that point because it got them talking. From pussy to me like to I just said a couple right there. You were talking about the Bible recently,

the Tower of Babel thing. You know the lesson of the Tower of Babel is that everyone spoke one language and one language only. And then because they built too tall of a building. They tried to build a tower to heaven. Yeah. And how high did they get up to? Hey, no, I'm up here for a reason. Don't don't try to poke me with your tower. If I wanted to be down there, I'd be down there. If I wanted you up here, you'd be up here. But how tall do you think they realistically got? So wait, they're building a tower of language.

No, no, no. A literal. They build a tower. The tower. And then the tower gets too tall. God says, I don't like it. Not only am I going to fuck up your tower, I'm going to make it so everybody speaks different language. And that's why that app is called Babel. Yes. And that's why bab app is called Babel. Yes.

And that's why babbling is called Babel. No, no, no. That's called... B-A-B-E-L. That app is called Babel because of the Babel fish from... Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which was a little fish you put in your ear, then you can understand every language.

But that was called Babel fish because of the Tower of Babel. Because of the Tower of Babel. Yeah. Right. So, but I mean, what a... I mean, obviously none of that is true. Also, why did we change the spelling of Babel from the Tower of Babel to the word Babel?

Like bubbles used to be B-U-B-E-L. Now it's Michael Buble. Buble. Buble. But you know what I mean, like none of that is true. How tall did they actually build it? That's one thing. They probably got like.

Sears Tower. 10 feet. You think they got all the way up to the Sears Tower? Yeah. In Bible days? Yes. Okay. I absolutely do. I think they built skyscrapers

and they just didn't have cameras to take pictures of them. That's the thing. But they had cave paintings. They had cave paintings? Yeah, they would all like build a huge tower and then go back to their caves. They wouldn't live in it. This is where the paintings are.

I just like the cave more. I'm just used to it. But, but, but okay. So it's not, obviously none of that happened. It's obviously it's made up. But, but why write that to explain why there are different languages everywhere? I think because it was, it was a primitive form of zoning laws. But couldn't, couldn't languages be explained like You can't build anything too high or God would curse us. simply with what really happened.

And I'm not saying anything against religion, but I'm saying wouldn't the story of people settled in different areas and learn to speak from each other and made different languages make more sense? That makes sense. Then everyone building a tower and falling down and then they were in different areas and they had to speak differently. Because it's also unrelated to the tower building.

But it also makes it a punishment. Like God says, I'm going to destroy your tower, but also I'm just getting an idea right now. I'm also going to make it so everybody can understand each other. But that's what I mean is it's kind of a, I don't want to say God was racist, but it's kind of a, it's kind of a racist story to make saying like, Oh, other, other languages are a punishment. Right. Here's what it is. God invented racism.

He invented everything. By making it so we can't understand each other. He invented racism. By making it so we can't understand each other? He invented racism. He did. Yeah. Because if we could understand each other, everything would be fine. Do you think God- Yeah, because everyone who speaks English gets along really well.

Did God invent driving on the opposite side of the street in English? Yes. Hey guys, I know it's a long tradition of driving on the opposite end of the street. Just change it. Also, if you're gonna write look left, look right, whatever on your on your It's easier for everyone to just drive on the other side.

Can you please put little eyeballs in the O's? Yeah, that's a good point. Right? I just saw looking the way you want people to look. I just saw look right written on the ground in America. What? Was it a place that a lot of tourists go to? Where was I?

I can't remember if it was in L.A. or if it was in Seattle. I think it was in L.A. Oh, that's why I'm glad I voted for Trump. He'll get that erased. Hey, I don't really want to talk about who you voted for anymore, because you always bring that up. I love talking about it. I know. I just don't want to keep talking about it. How many times by the way did you vote for it? Twice so far. Only twice?

Now I don't have to vote ever again. It's all set. I mean this is by the way we're recording this in advance hopefully there's still a world. Yeah we don't know. We might be. In a few weeks there might not be a world. Yeah. I guess it's possible. There might not be an internet. Who knows? We're recording this quite in advance. Oh, we should be so lucky. Now don't you think if they took away social media entirely, not the government, but just if it just was erased.

Right. Would I be better off? Yeah. Yeah. I do think so. I think the internet is good for like, here's the problem, there used to be crazy people everywhere in towns and you would just kind of go like, ah, that's the local weirdo.

None of us believe what he believes, but now all the local weirdos have found each other all over the world and they band together. That's correct. And now we have Bitcoin. And their beliefs are validated by other local weirdos that used to be outcasts. Now they're national weirdos.

Yes. So the internet is good for like, I think eBay could still be a thing. Oh, I would still want stuff like that. You still unable to buy and sell your wares. Oh, why do we do away with podcasts? They're no, they're not good for America. Wouldn't it be entertainment? They could only be entertainment. Yeah. They could, there couldn't be any talk about.

So nothing could pretend to be real that isn't real. Yes. You would just say like, oh, it's entertainment. I don't have to take it seriously. Yeah, nothing could be satirical. No parodies. None? No.

Weird Al? Why can't you have parodies? You're out of here. Why can't you have them? Because. Imagine there's no parodies. Because what is one parodying? The world. That's not nice. Why can't you have that? Imagine there's no parodies. Because what is one parodying? The world, that's not nice.

It isn't hard to feel. Oh, because it's not nice. It's not nice. Oh, I see. Hey, the world just wants to be left alone. Can we talk about when Gal Gadot did that Imagine video? Sure. That was.

Of course, Lauren and I have worked with her. Did I directly? She's our colleague. I think you were there that day. I think I was there. You were just off camera I think. Yeah. And we got some shots of you.

I only remember what I've done if I was on camera. Is this between two farms? Yeah. So okay, it's quarantine is happening. People are stuck at home. She thinks. By the way, she wasn't in charge of it, right? She just was the first person.

I think she did text people to do it. Yes. That was my understanding. She went through her contacts with all these famous people, and a couple people, I have no idea who they are. I have her contact, why didn't she reach out to me? Oh no, you could have been a part of it.

I should have emailed her right after, like, hey, I'm here. And so, the instructions were just sing this song. In hindsight, sure. But they didn't give a key. They didn't give a key. Yeah, the key is the problem. Send everyone an MP3.

Crucial. Yeah, crucial. If everyone was listening in their ear, it should have gone well. Exactly, it should have. When I did- Everyone was kind of on a different tune, different beat, different tempo, different melody.

Make a click track. The one that I did in quarantine was David Wayne had his, he was putting together all of those videos where people he knew were forming bands in their own homes and he would stitch it all together. And I'd played guitar on an REM song and I did it in my ear and I played along with it and it all worked out great.

Did you play along to the original track? Was that what everybody was using? I think everyone used the original track. Yeah, that's smart. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, that's what everyone could have done. I don't really remember those videos. They're great, they're fun.

We did an R&M. They're great, they're fun. I'll watch them all every day. I was saying that the other day because of what you said. So what, who cares? But Janie and I will at home if somebody says so what or who cares, we will both say so what? Okay. In the manner of Fred Armisen as Joy Behar. Believe we just talked about this two episodes ago.

Did we talk about on this show? Yeah. Oh, I thought we just talked about it off. No, it was microphone. Um, but that's a good one. Then you're all caught up. Everyone's caught up. Previous of freedom. Previous on freedom. If we tell the same story, think of it as a previously on. Yeah, it's like, you know, when you're watching The White Lotus, you don't skip. Wait, why are we doing the Tomahawk?

I was. No, that wasn't what was happening. Wait, in the last episode, it didn't have that, right? Why are we doing the tomahawk? Buh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- No, no, no, the musician who made the opening credits song. Yeah. I guess he didn't like that. This is entertainment news from two months ago, by the way. That Mike White gave him notes or didn't like something about it. So then he was basically like, screw that guy. He very publicly was like, he didn't like the version I did and everyone was making fun of this version. They don't like it, but I was trying to make it like the other one, but he said no.

And then Mike White was kind of like, I think he said, quote, that was a bitch move. Right. But are you saying they took off his music for the final episode? No, I'm saying that the theme for the third season was different. Oh, it's different. Okay. That's what you're talking about. But he want the musician was like, I was trying to make it more like that. But then he said no, but everyone made fun of it. And now look, but here's the thing, Scott, entertainment news is evergreen. People love to hear about it,

no matter, even if they've heard it before. You know how sometimes you'll, someone will remind you of a big entertainment news story from a year ago and you go, oh, I forgot about that. That's the service that we're providing. We're trying to give you that experience. Oh, I forgot about that. Oh, I forgot about that. I forgot about that whole thing.

Yeah. You know, there was a lot of a lot of like BTS fighting on Happy Days. BTS, the Korean hip hop band? People fighting on Happy Days? No, I don't know. I'm just making up fake entertainment. I like that for a long time. That's really old. yeah. Who, who? I guess the old, you know, Scott Baio is on Happy Days.

Sure. He's on Charles in Charge. Maybe he was the source of problems. No, there were no problems. I made that up. No, I'm saying if there were. If there were. Because everybody seemed to love each other on Happy Days.

Yeah. Did I tell you about when my father, before he passed away, he- Weird delivery. before he passed away. He delivered. He I think two times in his life, he pitched me shows that he wanted me to make. Oh, no, bro. Oh, no, bro. You don't get to do that. Well, you guys, if you're going to be pitching me shit,

you better be on board supportive of everything I do. Yeah. And you got to say you're proud of me. I don't get to pitch airline compartments that you get to manufacture. What was one of his ideas? So he pitched two things in his life to me, and one was a gardening show, and I just had to be, and by the way, he took me to lunch.

He was like, we can meet in the middle of where we both lived, and he took me to lunch and pitched me a gardening show, and by the way, he took me to lunch. He was like, we can meet in the middle of where we both lived. And he took me to lunch and pitched me a gardening show. And I was like, uh-huh. And I was like, well, I- Is that why he wanted to have lunch with you? Yeah. And what would happen?

God damn. People would garden and then he would be a producer on it? Or he was the creator or something. Or a helicopter would drop Agent Orange on everyone? That's, I have to say, the vet's department, the VA, after he passed away, said that Agent Orange was a contributing factor. Oh, yeah.

And it might have been. In any case, and then the other one that I remember was with the gardening one, I had to kind of gently say like, I don't really have any contacts in the places that would buy that kind of show. You know what I mean? Like I, nor would I want to have that. I do more comedy, not gardening. Yeah. Yeah. But the other one was he had a big idea for a Happy Days reunion movie. Well, and he goes, but Ron Howard is now a big dramatic director. So it's a drama. Honestly, I would love to see that.

And I had to call it dramatic days. But I was sort of like kind of serious days I was sort of going this is back in Let's say it's in the early 2000. So I was like, okay, it's been 30 years Let's call it 25 years since the show They were pushing the end of the 50s By the end of that show, they were into the 60s. They're into the 60s Yeah, so this takes place in 1985 and he was kind of like, oh, I didn't think about that. He didn't get too far with his idea. It would have been interesting to see those characters in the 80s.

They'll probably do it. There's a reunion for everything now. I don't think so. So this movie back to the future. I mean, if they did it now, they would do it. They would do it. They would do it friends reunion style probably where like the most they would do is sit around reminiscing. There's no way that would be nice.

Fuck that shit. Reminisce. Reminisce. Let's reminisce right now. Okay. Remember when you said fuck that shit? Yeah. That was so funny. It was fun. Yeah good times. Yeah. It was good. Happy days. Happy days. Sunday, Monday, happy days. Tuesday, Wednesday, sad days. Thursday, Friday, dramatic days. Thursday, Friday. Dramatic days. Dramatic days. Weekend comes. Sunday, Monday.

The cycle comes. Tuesday, Wednesday, sad days. You do the Meyer Key version. Yeah. Also, welcome to the Dollhouse. Also, I have to say, then I ended up working with Ron Howard. There's a lot of things you're saying that you have to say. I do have to say this.

Who's making you do this? He's legally required. Who's making you do this? to make to make to paint my father in a better light than perhaps this tiny snippet of our relationship conveys. I came to work with Ron Howard for a year. Very nice man. And in fact, with him for on for a year. I worked for Jason Menzougas and I worked for Imagine Films for a year.

And- It's easy if you try. It's easy if you try. Bringing it all back to Imagine, Gal Gadot. And I saw him at a party and I was thinking, he doesn't remember me. And he very nicely came up to me and then talked to me for 15 minutes.

Wow. He's very nice. Very nice man. Did he give you a baseball cap? He did. That's a dramatic day on it. Does he give baseball caps? No, he just wears them all the time.

He should. If you're going to wear, if it's a signature thing. Well, does that mean you're going to start giving out? You should start giving them out. Anything you wear. I don't wear them as often as he does. You wear pins though and you give them out. Yeah. Right.

Don't you? What? You give away the spontaneination pins? Well, if you do the show. Sure, sure. I'm not saying you give them out to everyone you meet on the street. That would be insane.

That would be insane. And I'm not insane. You're not. I'm normal. But I do want to say that my father knew that I was working for Ron Howard. He knew. And he never, he never brought it up while I was working for Ron Howard. Wow. That 1985 thing threw him so hard.

So it's not something where he was like, Hey, remember that thing I pitched you six years ago? Now you're working with Ron Howard. Maybe you could see what he thinks. You know, do you think he w but was he excited you were working with Ron Howard? I don't know. That is kind of where I thought it was going. That impressed him. Yeah. I don't know that anything impressed anyone. That's hard. That's hard. All right. We have to take a break. You know, yeah, I've been thinking for a while about starting a podcast before I actually did.

What happened to your voice? Well, every time I thought about it, it just seemed so daunting. Finally one day, I decided to stop putting it off and turn my dream into reality. Wow. Well, I mean, odds are a lot of you listening to Paul's Western voice right now have have felt that same way. Harmonica about starting your own business. Maybe you tossed and turned during sleepless nights, thinking, gaming it out in your mind. And you keep asking yourself, what if it doesn't work out?

What if someone else beats me to it? Well, take it from me. It is time to stop thinking about what if, and start doing what then. I don't know if that makes sense, but anyway, it's one of the easiest ways to do that, and I'll tell you this right now, I'm gonna say it very slowly, is to use Shopify.

Pardon my harmonica. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the US, from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. Now you might be saying, what if I don't have a big team? Shopify helps you handle anything from website design to managing inventory to customer service to global shipping and more all in one place. Well what if I'm looking to grow my business in person? Shopify award-winning point of sales connects your online and offline

sales in the same place. Okay Lauren, but what if I need to boost sales? With 99.99% uptime and the best converting checkout on the planet you'll never miss a sale again only with Shopify. Now turn those what-ifs into and keep giving those big dreams the best shot with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash freedom. Go to Shopify.com slash freedom. Sometimes you just need a little something, something, something, something in the middle of the afternoon to help you get through the rest of your inbox, something in the middle of the afternoon to help you get through the rest of your inbox or something at the end of the day to make

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founder of Girls Who Code and Moms First. I consider myself a pretty successful adult woman. So why is it that in midlife, as I'm about to turn 50, I feel so stuck? Join me as I try to find the answer on my so-called midlife from Lemonada Media. I talk to experts and extraordinary guests about divorce, exercise, menopause, sex, drugs, and more to understand what we're going through and how to make the most of it.

Listen wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We are back. It feels good to be back. I like being back. It feels so good to be back. I was scared in that liminal space that we were in. I was scared because we cease to exist when a commercial is happening. You hear us during the commercials, but we prerecorded that. We're not prerecording this right now.

No, this is happening now. Yeah. This is happening as you're listening to it. And we disappear. No, that's not true, is it? It is. It is're listening to it. And we disappear. No, that's not true, is it? It is. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yeah, because.

. When do I get time to myself? the time when we're not recording is time to yourself when you don't exist? That's when I don't exist. I love it. I love going away to the void. I love going away to the void. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I did not go to the void with that woman. If you died and found out that you, that ghosts were real and that you were a ghost, what would you want to do? Oh my god, haunt people. Do you want to haunt people that you don't like? Yeah. That's better.

Because then you're not hanging around like someone you love and watching them move on or watching them be sad all the time. Either one is bad. If you were a ghost, how would you feel about getting busted? If I were a ghost. Like getting sucked into a tank? It makes the buster feel good.

Well, what do you do in the little box? Yeah. I think a lot of screaming is kind of what it feels like. Cause once they get out, it kind of feels like, yeah. Anytime they pull the lever, whatever you hear a lot of like, ah, you put me in that fucking box. It's kind of like that mummy. If by the way, I wanted to say this last episode, Universal, I know you're trying to get the dark universe

back up and running. Are they really? Well, I mean, they have the, you know, the Invisible Man and Wolfman movies are kind of like, supposedly tied together. Didn't they already try to do a Wolfman movie with Benicio Del Toro? One just came out earlier this year.

What? Yeah. What was it called? Wolfman, I think. No! Yeah. Are you serious? I have never heard of this. I am more serious about this than anything What? Yeah. What was it called? Wolfman, I think. No! Yeah. Are you serious? I've never heard of this.

I am more serious about this than anything in my life. And who's in The Invisible Man? The Invisible Man was Elizabeth Moss. That was their... I saw that. It was good. Actually, it was so strange. I went to see that movie at a small theater.

That was right as quarantine happened. No, it was literally. It was the last movie I saw before. Same, at a small theater. That was right as quarantine happened. Yeah. It was literally the last movie I saw before. Same, and I was in the theater and it was only me. No, no, no. High five. In the theater was only me and Mike and coincidentally, Brett and Dana.

And they were like, we sat in the theater, like rose apart and watched Invisible Man. And then it became so ironic because it felt like COVID was an invisible man. Yes. And it's weird also to be like, hey, come see this invisible thing. I wouldn't go see it. You know what I mean? I think that movie was really creepy. It was very creepy. Yeah. With the technology.

She did a great job. Yeah. I thought it was the only invisible. It was a new twist on it where it wasn't like a guy who drinks a potion. Oh no, I'm invisible. It was a guy who invented this. He tried to make, he actively made an invention that made him invisible. And it was, and it was a, and used it for creep purposes. But the Wolfman I saw, the Wolfman, and it was, um,

top lined by, I can never remember her name. She's in Ozark. Laura Linney. No, the younger person who's attached to the Madonna bio. What is her name? She's great. She's great. Anyway, so there is attached. It's not Junotem. Who is it? I feel like I missed this movie entirely.

The other girl from Dirty John. I definitely didn't see it, but I don't remember hearing about it. Yeah. So I came out earlier in the year. And so it's them trying to, and it was, I feel like it has the same producer or like ties to- Julia Garner. Julia Garner.

Julia Garner. In any case, if they make a mummy movie, it's gotta include that sound. Even if it's like the Wilhelm scream where it's like a little in-joke. If there's somebody, like the mummy gets in a fight with somebody, gets punched in the gut, that would be fucking, it's like when they put the juggernaut bitch into the

movie. Yes, the juggernaut bitch. What's the juggernaut bitch? Was that a cartoon? What was that based on? That was a, you know, early meme days, a YouTube, I guess it was on YouTube, yeah, it was like excerpts from the X-Men cartoon of the character, the Juggernaut, and then somebody dubbing over it and having the Juggernaut say things like, I'm the Juggernaut bitch. And then they put it in the movie.

Yeah. In X-Men 3 or whatever that he was in. Yeah, yeah. And everyone laughed, because it was a reference. Everyone laughed. The world laughed. They got a big giggle.

Yeah. They had a big giggle. Everyone had a big giggle about it. They had to be. I almost started doing an accent that was problematic. I wasn't trying to do it. I'm just trying to be a weird guy. I wasn't trying to do it. I'm just trying to be a weird guy.

But if you could write and direct any monster movie, which one would you make? Monster movie. Yeah, what would be fun for you? Or be in if you're more into acting, but you know, I mean, we all have, I think it's more fun to think of like making it. I really like the way that

the Where the Wild Things Are movie looks. Man, I liked that too. It looked so good. I liked that movie while I watched it and then I've never really thought about it or revisited it for sure. It was like Arcade Fire. Yeah, I went with-

There was a lot of emotion with that movie. I went with Scandal Feeny, The Monster. I almost didn't even want to know what happened because I kind of don't remember. I went with Paul Rust and Cool Up to the Arclight in the Valley. This is your specific superpower that you can name exactly when and where you saw a film. Opening night and there were... I remember I saw Van Helsing at the cinema from a dome. There were two, like, 16 year old kids,

like talking really loud during the whole thing. And I was like, this is the Arclight. The Arclight was like a place where like that stuff is frowned upon. It's a movie church. Cause there's kind of someone who's able to say like, we're gonna watch this film now, be quiet. But this is where I learned the Arclight Valley edition is

vastly different from the Arclight LA edition. So I had to go. Jax is there. I had to go find some, you know, I was like, Hey, could you guys keep it down? And they were like, this is a kid's movie. Shut up. And that's a good comeback. We're 16, so this is for us. Yeah. You Shut up. And that's a good come back. We're 16. So this is for us. Yeah. You shut up.

And so I had to go get an usher and then they said, Hey, we're going to kick you out if you ever say anything else. And then stood there watching them for a while and they never do their credit. They never said anything else. The rest of the movie to the credit, but it worked out, but it made me on edge. Yeah, of course. In that way, like, I don't know whether I was more relaxed because they weren't talking throughout the whole thing and I solved the problem. Or if I just should have been like, who gives a shit?

This is a kid's movie. Shut up to myself. Right. It wasn't a kid's. No, I was looking forward to it. Absolutely not a kid's movie. Where the Wild Things are. Oh, there's no way that movie was for kids. No, it's too emotional. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had been looking forward to it.

I'd been to the panel at Comic-Con where they showed previews for it, and we were like, oh, good, and like tearing up. So I was like really, you know, really into seeing it, but it just, those interactions, I'm trying to have less of them. Like trying to, you know what I mean? Where you're yelling at strangers? Or just like getting irritated by strangers

in a public environment. I'm trying to like take a deep breath, just go, none of this matters, who cares? I have found that that kind of stuff bothers me a lot less these days. Like if I'm in a public place and somebody is acting up or making too much noise or something like that, it's become more, I would say overall,

it's become more like a funny thing to me. Like these people are fucking weird or whatever. Right. It depends, I guess, what I am trying to do or yeah. I feel like my problem that I've always had, and I've always had, I've gotten better at not getting involved, but when people are rude to employees. Yes, like around you?

Yes. Or people you know are rude to employees. Well, I don't really experience that very, I don't really have like a memory of someone I know being rude to an employee. So just like you're in line at a- Yeah, and then like, even just today. Dildo shop. Today I was at my dildo shop, and I was getting like a memory of someone I know being rude to an employee. So just like you're in line at a- Yeah, and then like, even just today- Dildo shop.

Today I was at my dildo shop and I was getting like 20 dildos and this guy came in. I was at UPS this morning. Cause they're one use, right? They are single use. This guy- It's so wasteful.

I know. The landfill. That's how they're made. They're paper thin. This guy was just being kind of like ornery to the guy at UPS. And on my way out, I just rolled my eyes really hard. An employee at the shop was being... No, like a customer who I think lost his wallet there with them. It sounded like I heard on the

speakerphone that they had found the wallet, but they were like, oh, the guy on the phone was like, does he have white hair? And then this guy with white hair came in and I'm a guy with white. This certainly isn't talcum powder. Other guy, I find my employee who was listening to this guy and speakerphone was like, yeah. And then that guy came in and he was like being kind of like, and then the employee was like, oh, yeah, I think he found it, but he didn't understand me.

So he has to look again. And then the guy's like, what? What do you mean? he didn't understand me so he has to look again and then the guy's like what? What do you mean? He didn't understand you. What what he's like just getting really kind of Weird about it. And anyways, I didn't get involved but as I was leaving I rolled my eyes really hard because I just like This fucking guy and then I was thinking oh, that's kind of fun. Like someone might have watched me on the security footage Enhance that when no one's this woman rolled her eyes. No one's looking at you but like there is like a camera filming you just think about

those weird times when you think you're just making a face to yourself and like someone maybe saw it. Absolutely. But anyway I just was thinking about that because this that person was kind of rude and I was like why do people get like that it's just so fucked it's like he's gonna it's people are more likely to help you if you're nice. Yeah. Not if you're getting like, why is it like this? You catch more flies with honey, honey. I went out to dinner. Jenny and I went out to dinner with her mom and friends of hers, her mom, and the husband

of this couple I had never met before. Were they sitting with you or? No, we were all sitting together. Okay. And this guy is an older gentleman, but he was the classic. Hello. He was the classic like giving specific instructions to our server, this young woman.

And he wanted a certain, you know, scotch or whatever. She was like, well, I don't know if we have that. Uh, I'll go check with the bar. And then she walks away and he's like, it's, she has to go check to see if they have that. Like she should know whatever. Oh yeah. It was all boomery all the way. And then, then she comes back and he starts talking to her like, you know, they should have this and they should have that. And should tell them they should get this blah, blah, blah. It's like, she doesn't fucking care.

That's exactly what it is. She doesn't have a steak in this restaurant. Leave her alone. Just don't come back here if they don't have your Oban or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that a certain, and hey, a lot of our listeners probably are Scotch drinkers

out there, not a lot. What percentage would you say are Scotch drinkers out there, not a lot. What percentage would you say are Scotch drinkers? Two percent. Two percent. But you're probably great people. Is Scotch really uncommon? No. No. Oh, then why two percent?

But I also think it is- I don't know. Oh, okay, it just seemed low. No, I'm making it up. But I also do think it is a certain mindset, AKA grindset, that is kind of falling out of fashion. I know young people are drinking less and less. So the statistics have shown that.

So I think the Scotch drinker is a certain type of person that I think 50 years ago, there are less and less people who are that type of person. But I just have, I have an impression of the Scotch drinker that that is what they're like. Like Scotch is the most important thing to them. And if, you know, if someone else doesn't have the exact knowledge they have,

then they don't know their jobs. I, I get that that's your impression, but the Scotch drinkers that I, I know people who are very into Scotch and are not like that at all, you know, would never talk to a server that way. And also this is like just a like just a some Italian restaurant, like a red bottle. Why?

You're your expectation of their their bar in terms of like the liquor that they stock. It's like, well, you're, you know, stop it. Yeah. Fucking shut up. Yeah, we're lucky that alcohol exists. Thank God. We really are. You know what I mean? And that people are putting the time to make it. It's brought nothing but good things. Nothing but good things to the world. What is one thing if you could get rid of in the world? Like it could be a plant,

it could be an animal, whatever you want. F***ing guns. Yes. Mosquitoes. Honestly, number one with a bullet. You pick mosquitoes want guns. Yes Mosquitoes honestly number one with a bullet mosquitoes over guns I would I would I would allow a hundred more mosquitoes in the world I bet mosquito get rid of all the guns. I bet mosquitoes cause more deaths than guns. I disagree disagree Don't you think no, I don't think with malaria. I don't think no Okay, I'm gonna look this up in in the United States Yeah, I'm going to look this up in the United States. Yeah, I'm going to say the world. But we're the why are you where you are amending it to?

We have no empathy for other countries. No, of course I do. I have nothing but empathy for other countries. Everyone knows this about me. It's all you have. That's all I have. Mosquitoes are estimated to cause over 700000 deaths annually worldwide. How many? 700,000 and guns in the United States, 46,000. I wonder how many worldwide.

Let's do worldwide. Probably 46,000 and two. I know. 250,000. So mosquitoes are more deadly than guns. I still want to get rid of the guns. Yeah, I still would get rid of the guns. Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. But they make that noise. You like that? I like hearing that noise.

Sometimes they also go. Do you remember when you realized that people use the same sound effects in TV shows? Oh, my God. You hear like the ricochet of it is so hard to even watch a movie pre 93 or whatever because when there are gunshots, it's like, boom, bang, you know that. My favorite was the, pow, pow. I loved that one.

I remember when I would watch Arthur, the cartoon show. And the little baby, I noticed that the baby cried the same. But Arthur in the cartoon was also drunk all the time. Every single episode that the baby cried the same. But Arthur in the cartoon was also drunk all the time. Every single episode the baby cried the same. I started going huh? And then I now know that that's a common cartoon cry and I heard it in other shows. It just has an exact, and then you just hear it again, it's like the Wilhelm scream. But it's the baby cry.

There used to be a baby gurgle that would be in a lot of commercials and things like that. And it was a baby going, but I can't do it. I can't get that high. Oh my God. I mean, last night for dessert, she wanted cheese and crackers, which I was kind of like, that's more of a savory, but she's pleased. So she is very sophisticated. I know it's very nice. But she got cheese and crackers, and then her last cracker, she had one tiny bit left. And I think she dropped it and went, huh, where's the cracker? And she's looking around and I said, is it in your bib? And she opens up her bib and goes, ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. She was very relapsed, very hard at it. Cute. Fun. Adorable. There was a, years ago, Evan Schlatter and I, Karen Kilgariff and Evan Schlatter and

I did this show called Voiceovers at the Top, which was about a husband and wife, voiceover artist team who solved crimes. And it was really, it was a really funny show, because it was a fake radio thing, we did it radio style. This was before Thrilling Adventure Hour. We like did it with script in hand. So you came up with Thrilling Adventure Hour.

Yeah, I don't like to brag. But there were a lot of sound effects in it. I love that. We did a fake 40s radio thing back in 89 and 90. And I loved the sound effects part of it of like showing the sound effects people like cranking a thing. We didn't do that. These are just like pre-recorded sound effects. But one of them was a door opening and it had a certain little creak in it. And it was just a stock sound effect and since then I have heard that exact door sound effect in so many things.

And does it always give you like you perk up the nostalgia of like I'm on. But doesn't it take you out of it when you like hear that and you're like can you made a new one? Yeah also why does every door need to creak? Like if the door opened and there wasn't a noise, I wouldn't be like, what? Right. It's so wild to me. And then he opened a door and you just hear.

It's like, that's what doors normally sound like. Just kind of like. You hear the turning of the hardware. Yeah. You know what I mean? But it's not like. Not every place is a haunted house. But also because we were doing that because there was not a, we didn't have an actual door.

If you're a TV show, we can see the door opening. We don't need to hear that noise. Just to give you a little pushback. Please. Have you ever seen any door opening on TV? Wait a minute What about on? Let's make a deal They call them doors, but they're really just partitions those doors don't make any noise at all. Yeah, it wasn't that interesting

Wasn't that special? Oh that special chopped broccoli also it made sense in Star Trek You would have that noise because you wouldn't want people sneaking up on you. They're like, they probably could have made those doors have no noise in the future. But it's like the electric... Well, you can't just walk into a room and people... It's like electric cars now. They don't have to have that hum.

But when you don't have it, they found that they were getting into way more accidents because people are just walking around. There's no car. It's still, I mean, it's still, you have to be careful of it. Yeah. Wait, hold on. Yeah. Sound effects, thing, door.

Sound effects, thing, door. Man, woman, camera. Man, woman, eat. It's gone. Drink, man, woman. Eat, pray, love. What were we talking about after the shit? I heard yours.

That's the deal. Man woman, eat. It's gone. Drink, man, woman. Eat, pray, love. What were we talking about after the... Shit, I heard about doors. Partition. Why were we talking about doors and stuff? Oh, I remember. Oh, here it is. Thank God. I may have talked about this before,

but the feedback from microphones, anytime you see a microphone on screen. If someone's doing poorly. On screen. Even if they're not doing poorly, it's just like if somebody steps you see a microphone on screen. If someone's doing poorly screen, even if they're not doing poorly, it's just like if somebody steps up to a microphone to introduce something, they always put feedback in there to tell the audience it's working or not, you know, for whatever. I don't know. This is a mic.

Yeah, it is like whatever someone like on an auditorium. But I yeah, I I got I was on Twitter and I said, hey, stop putting this in there. And I think I said like, hey, editor, stop putting this in there. And then like a few people wrote back to me. A few people wrote back to me and very adamantly explained to me,

the director always says to put it in. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. I think similarly on X.com, I said, hey, actors playing like leaders of military units, stop saying move, move, move after you give an order. And Colin Hanks said. It's impossible not to like the director kind of makes you do it to fill up time.

But it's like, all right, everyone, company, C company, move out. Move, move, move, move, move. While they're going. I guess we haven't noticed that that much. I guess I never would have thought that that's unusual. It never would have struck me as something that it doesn't really happen.

It happens so much in movies, it really bothered me. But the mic thing is, I feel that the mic thing is usually the director trying to communicate someone does bad. Someone's doing a, like makes a bad joke. No, or it's to get the, or like they're nervous and like it gets the attention of everyone in the room like, whee, and then you turn and go,

oh, that kid's on stage now. Like, you know when the feedback goes and then like the room's so quiet and there's feedback and then it's like. No, but they put it in later. Right, no, I know. I'm saying, but it's like. But I'm saying it's not like a, it's not.

It's not part of the script. It's not part of the script. It's not part of the, like people aren't reacting to it. Right. This is not how microphones work is what we want to say. Microphones barely ever feedback like that. It's so rare that a microphone feeds back. When someone like tells you something that bothers them

like a pet peeve, like for that, for instance, these two things, are you ever afraid? Like now I'm going to notice that and be annoyed by that. Cause like right now I'm afraid of move, move, move. It's gonna, I mean, I, I don't think you're gonna remember anything we talked about. I hope that I forget. Because. 10 minutes from now.

I don't wanna think about this every time this happens, but I feel like I'm going to. But when you notice certain tropes. No, I know, then you can't unnotice them. But then that also like raises your taste level, I think, of like, you're not then gonna put it in your own thing. Military dialogue is so cliched in everything you see. It's very rare that it's not.

There was one in the show, 24, that would bug me. 24, Jack Bauer, he big hit. He big hit. When it was pointed out to me, it would bug me, but when they would say, they would confuse brief and debrief all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, this is a majorly high budget show and you're

confusing brief and debrief? Just Google it. Yeah, just Google it. Or like just Google it Jeff. There would be one person. It's easy to figure out. Yeah, there'd be one person who goes, hey, hey, you actually, you know, transposed those. Yeah. And then you never make that mistake again. But I think the problem is, because I've seen similar things, is that either nobody knows or somebody who does know is not in a position where they feel like I can say to this person, hey, you got that wrong.

Because I've seen shit like that where it's like, how did this get by so many people? Well, if you're acting and then someone mispronounces something and then you're like, is anyone gonna say? Yeah. And then sometimes they do. But it's like, okay, I'm not gonna say it

because it's rude as the other actor to be like, that's actually pronounced like this. Yeah. Because it's not up to me to say that. David Spade was saying the wrong Missy. And he was actually saying the Roong Missoo. Roong Missoo. And I forever was just going,

E-T-E. I just had to let this be. Roong Missoo. Yeah. All right. And I forever was just going, E.T. I just had to let this be. Rung Miss Who. Yeah. All right, we have to take a break. Bye. I'm Hasan Minhaj and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian

so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous.

Parenting expert Dr. Becky. How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath? That's a good question. Listen to Hasan Minhaj doesn't know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts. What if Tarzan did the theme to the good, the bad, and the ugly? What if Tarzan meet Jane? What if Elphaba did the theme to the good, the bad, and the ugly? Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah God damn it. Or movies were like layered on top of each other. Like Jaws and ET at the same time.

Yeah. Like a shark eating ET. You know that they sync up perfectly. Do they really? Yeah. Like if you start one. Everything makes sense. And start the other at the same time,

they both are started. Yes, and they sync up perfectly with the minutes. Like the minutes line up perfectly. The minutes. So like one minute goes by in one? Yes. A minute goes by in the other one. Yeah, it's freaky.

Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, they end at different times. If you get stoned though, it's crazy. By the way, we are- What if they had the exact same running time? That would be wild. That would be wild. All right, we have our sponsor back, by the way,

who's sponsoring our gummies, so I'm- Oh, I know, I'm so happy. Very excited. So happy. Because I'm getting roasted and toasted., I'm so happy. Very excited. So happy. Cause I'm getting roasted and toasted. I had a gummy last night, it was so good. They're wonderful. Cause I was never really-

Soul is our sponsor by the way. I was never a big weed person. And then now that it's legal and you don't have to smoke it. Yeah. It's, I go through this every time. If I get high, there's a moment where I think this feels so pleasant.

I don't want to clean my room. Because I got high. Afro man. I feel like this is- You are our generation's Afro man. Well, thank you. I've always said that. We're going to play a three turn now.

Yay. This is Pitch a Sit Song. What this is is someone, I don't know who- This is a sit song, the end. Someone in this room. Someone gives a name a sit song. What this is is someone, I don't know who. Just a sit song, the end. Someone in this room. Someone gives a name of a song, and then someone else pitches a sitcom based on the song, based on the title of the song.

They make up what that would be. What that sitcom would be. If that was the title of the sitcom, what would that sitcom be? Yes. The person who pitched the song title has to come up with a theme song to the show. So I guess we're whoever that doesn't make sense No, cuz I think it's you pitch a title you give somebody the title of the song then they have to come up with Yes, what the but the thing would be so I think you sing a different song classic freedom. We're deciding the rules Yes, yes, you sing you make up a song. Yeah, that would be for that sitcom. Yeah, but it's got that title. It's got that title.

Alright, so basically, like, so this is how the three of us play everyone is pitching to two people. One person gives the gives the song title. One person has to come up with the synopsis for the show what the show would be. Then the final person has to pick the song. So two people are pitching to one person. Got it. Yes. So two people are pitching together.

Great. All right. We'll start with Lauren and myself pitching to Scott. Okay. Okay, and I'm gonna do the title. You give the song title. Okay. The Sweater Song.

Undone, parentheses, the Sweater Song. It's got song in the title, great. Okay. Hi, thank you for meeting with us. Oh my gosh. We're so grateful for this time and opportunity. I have to say it's my pleasure. I'm a huge fan of both of your work. Oh, thank you. Individually. And then when I heard that you were going to work together, I was like, this is like a super group.

Thank you. That's so nice. Well, that's kind of the- This is incredible. How did you both decide to work together? We looked at each other and we thought this would be a super group. Yeah. So it's funny, did you know each other beforehand or you just happened to look at each other one day?

No, we looked at each other's Instagrams. We looked at each other's Instagrams and we DM'd each other at the exact same time. And so this would be a super group. Yeah. And then we wrote back to each other, oh my God, I was just thinking that. And then we're like, oh my God, I was just thinking that. And then wrote back to each other, oh my God, I was just thinking that. And then we're like, oh my God, I was just thinking that.

And then wrote back to each other. This is where it branched off. I wrote LOL and she wrote LMAIO. Oh, LMAIO. LMAIO, laughing my ass in outer. Space. I wrote back space. Yeah, oh, this is an incredible story.

Well, what do you have for me? Because obviously we're not buying a ton, but we have a little discretionary money before the end of the year. You're mad money. Yeah, exactly. So what you know, I can buy something. So I am excited to hear it. Great.

Well, it's called the sweater song parentheses undone. And it's it's a great show it's a really great show I mean I'm gonna tell you all about it my partner here's gonna sing a theme song okay okay I'm really excited to get to do that are you a singer I am yeah professional I'm a pop star oh I thought I recognized yeah you recognized me from like the big stadiums and stuff. You're Charlie XCX. I'm Charlie XXX. Oh, oh, that's different.

It's like no, no, no. Oh, okay. Yeah. Got it. Okay. Well, what's the show about? I'm Bill Nye, the science guy. Which is why it's such a fun pairing.

Yeah. Wow. The show, the sweater song, parentheses, Undone, is about a lady who knits sweaters. Okay. So this is our POV, our main character. This is our main character. She can only, she gets cursed by a witch. Where's this witch from? She's from two towns over. But just so that's close enough where she could be a part of

the narrative if we wanted to bring her back. Yeah, of course. Okay. Like, like not a recurring, but every once in a while. Okay. So the, the woman recurring meant every once in a while. This is not even as much as that. It's few and far between. We call it a few and far between. Yeah, this is technically recurring. You learn something new in this business every day. This is incredible. Okay. I learned about how molecules work. So the witch. So this woman had knit her name is Marjorie. Marjorie had knit a sweater for this witch. The witch didn't like the sweater. Was this a high a paid job upon consignment? Yes, exactly. Yeah, it was a commission sweater. The witch didn't like the sweater. Was this a high, a paid job upon consignment? Yes, exactly. Yeah, it was a commission sweater.

The witch didn't like the sweater, didn't think it was flattering. Said, I curse you Marjorie, from now on you can only knit while singing a song. Okay. But Marjorie has no voice box. Oh no, what happened? Was she a smoker?

She was a smoker. She used a tople to smoke her two-polars. She was a midnight toker. And she goes to the local museum. Yes. The local. Oh good. So she doesn't travel out of town for this. No, she steals a mummy trachea. Yes. So she'll be able to sing and continue working, making sweaters. Was it, is it a, do we see the heist? Are there lasers that she can't trip? No, there are lasers that she can trip, she chooses not to. Oh, so it's one of those museums

where you're supposed to trip the lasers. And if anyone doesn't trip them, that's when the alarm sounds? Yes, exactly. I love this. So, and then the undone parentheses comes from, if she, if the, if when the person who tries on the sweater, if they're not singing themselves, this is a secret part of the curse

that Marjorie didn't know. Oh, usually when a witch curses, she lays out all the rules, but this is like a little hidden. Yeah, because we're like, why wouldn't the witch have secrets? Yeah, you can just curse someone and never tell them. If you're a witch and you're cursing people, you're willing to curse people. Why wouldn't you be willing to withhold some facts? I love this. Yes. If the person wearing the sweater is not singing when they wear the sweater, it unravels. Perfect. Now this is the way we can get tits in the show. I was gonna bring it up. I'm glad you did. And it's not just tits. We also will see pecs. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's all right.

And sometimes ass if there's like a, and full frontal nudity, if the sweater is a long enough sweater. It was like a sweater dress. I'm glad you brought this because this is a porn studio. So I'm glad that this is a, Oh, you're talking from the statue of the two people fucking. Can I jump into the song? I'd love to hear it.

Oh, you're talking from the statue of the two people fucking. Can I jump into the song? I'd love to hear it. She wants to knit her sweater, but she can't unless she sings. But she doesn't have a voice, so the doorbell always rings. The witch, the witch, the witch is at the door. The witch, the witch, the witch is at the door. The witch, the witch, the witch is at the door. She must sing, she must sing. Here she sings.

Hup, hup, hup. And that's the song she sings. Well, what do you say? Tears in my eyes. I can see that. And a boner in my pants. Wow. Because this is going to make a huge amount of money for us.

Oh my gosh. Thank you so much. Who do you anticipate is starring in this? Katy Perry? Yeah. I figure she's like about to do porn for her career's over. She's been in space. She has, yeah.

That's true. Is she one of the people who went on the moon? Yes, she's one of the 12 people. 12? Yes. She hasn't, yeah. That's true. Is she one of the people who went on the moon? Yes, she's one of the 12 people. 12? Yes. I still don't remember. I'm still wildly overshooting it.

And Gale King stayed inside. Mm-hmm. Pfft. All right. You have a deal. Yay! Yay, happy ending. Happy ending, ending.

Monday, Tuesday, happy ending. Happy ending, ending happy ending. Yay. Well, that's weak we could end it there I do I do have you do have a hard out Yeah, so I don't mean to be that I don't need to be facetious or didactic Yeah, but we do have to go we have to. We want to thank you for listening to the podcast If you would like to send us a feature right to us at freedom USA gmail.com follow us on the socials freedom USA This is Holly Hunter saying follow us on the socials

if you would like to Leave us a voicemail that we answer on our three main episodes that we put out every other week, then go to the famous website, HagClaims8.com. This is one of the most famous websites in the world. If not the. It's one of the most. It's incredible. Follow us on social media too, if you have a brain in your head.

I already told them to do that. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not listening. That's okay. I have no plugs at this time, so I'm just going to do that. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not listening. That's okay. I know you're in a club. I have no plugs at this time. So I'm just gonna get that off my chest right now. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I, on the other hand, did. Depends on what the definition of is is.

And listen, I'm still on tour. I'm getting ready to go to, what date is today? That's a great question. Thanks, man. It is, if I had to guess, I would say it is May 29. May 29, are you out of your mind? May 29, are you out of your mind? Well then listen, tomorrow night,

I'm in Fairfield, Connecticut. Oh man. Saturday, I'm in Westerly, Rhode Island. Then on to Homer, New York, Albany, New York, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Vancouver. This is our final run of the tour for now. For now. We'll be out there later in the year. We'll be going to a few places, but. But only on holidays. Come out for this. Halloween, Christmas.

Yeah, that's right. So if you want to see non-holiday performances, this is your last chance. Yes, please come out and see us. paulfthomkins.com slash varietopia for tickets. Is it varietopia? paulfthomkins.com slash varietopia. You said varietopia last episode.

Well, I shouldn't have, because it's varietopia. All right, but people can find this in for, if you just look up paulfthomkins. If you start typing that word, you're gonna get there. Yeah, come on, man. Yeah. Come on, man. Yeah. Come on, man. Come on, man. What?

Come on, man. What? Come on, man. What? All right. We are exactly at the time that Lauren has to leave. Goodbye. Hi, I'm Megan and I've got a new podcast I think you're going to love. It's called Confessions of a Female Founder, a show where I chat with female entrepreneurs and friends about the sleepless nights, the lessons learned, and the laser focus that got them to where they are today. And through it all, I'm building a business of my own and getting all sorts of practical advice along the way that I'm so excited to share with you.

Confessions of a Female Founder is out now. Hear new episodes each week ad-free on Amazon Music. You can also ask Alexa, Alexa, play Confessions of a Female Founder with Megan on Amazon Music. And she will.