Threedom - Stop Being Such an Osscheek

Episode Date: June 11, 2026

Paul, Scott, and Lauren discuss Carousel, Jerry Lewis, and driving rules before playing Audiobook. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/shop

Lemonado. Hi, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus here, and I can't wait for you to hear our new episode of Wiser Than Me with Cindy Lopper on Amazon Music. Cindy may be a girl who just wants to have fun, but for 40 years she has brought playfulness and a dash of punk to some serious activism. We talk about her lifelong LGBTQ-plus advocacy, her astonishing music career, and pick up a whole lot of wisdom. along the way. Listen now only on Amazon music included with Prime. Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me, the show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor, and their hard-earned wisdom. Every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired.

And yes, I'm still calling my 91-year-old mom, Judy, to get her take on. on it all. Wiser than me from Lemonade of Media is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. See you! Ha ha ha. June is busting out all over those and the hills. And the scuppin and the doop and then the deep and the deep and doop. What's the one it's like something and I'm junior and my aunt is even loonier? Oh no.

That's a rough rhyme. It's a rough, rough rhyme. That show us some bad songs. What show is it? It's got some good ones. Carousel. Scott, of course. I wonder what you think.

He'll think of me. I guess who call me the old man. I bet he'll think I can lick any other fellow's father. Well, I can. That's called soliloquy. That's gorgeous. That's like a 10-minute song where he assumes he's going to have a boy. He's been surprised with the news that his girlfriend is knocked up.

This is Billy Bigelow, of course. He's the carny roused about and domestic abuser. Yes. That is the hero of our tale. Yes. But he dies. Yeah, he dies. And finds, I'm not quite sure how, but he changes his heart by the end of it.

Yeah. Congrats. You're dead. But he's surprised to find he's going to be a father, assumes that it's going to be a boy and sings about, it's an eight-minute song, let's say. Yeah. Approximately six and a half of the minutes are about. what he's going to do with this boy. And what the boy is not going to fall victim to.

Yeah. And then suddenly he goes, wait a minute. Could it be? What if he is a she? And then he starts going, My little girl pink and white as peaches and cream is she. Now this said, I would sing that to Emmy when she was a baby. I would sing that.

Edel Weiss, like all these songs just trying, you know, bouncing her up and down, you know, trying to get her to sleep and stuff like that. And it's, and it is a gorgeous song. But, you know, it really is only the back part of. And this is where he decides to become a better person, by the way, when you realize it must, it could be a girl. So he better change his ways. So. Well, men who have daughters. Hold on a second.

He doesn't change his ways. No. He just gets killed right away. He tries to get money from a robbery. someone. Yeah. And gets killed. What are you going to say about us?

You only understand women's plight if you have a daughter yourself or a wife or a wife or a mother. Yeah. And you're willing to really look at that. Yeah. But you can't just know that. You can't just know that stuff's bad unless you have a daughter. Yeah. That's why I don't think stuff is bad.

Anyway, he goes up to heaven. I know that. And it's a big problem I have with you. Why? Stuff is great. Not all stuff is great. Point me to one thing in this world today that's not great. I don't want to say any of the words.

You're stumped. You're stumped. So Billy goes up to heaven. He meets the Starmaker, which is the role I played when I was 14. Wow. He's hanging up stars on a clothesline. He's God. Let's just say it.

But they call him the Starmaker. It's very, very like available. He's like a Simon Powell figure. Yeah, he's like pointing out the members of one direction saying you guys should work together. Yeah. Well, as I said before, I think Nicole Skir-Zingo said, Skir-Zingo. Scur-Zingo. Skir-Zing-Go?

Skir-Zing-Sor? Skir-Zing-Sher-Singer? Skerzinger? Ask A-I. Isn't it funny that she's got the name singer in her name. Kind of. Zinger, really? Zinger. I'm a zinger.

I'm a zinger in the club. I like to zing you the song. I like to sing a little song like this. Play as the song, you're the Pizano man. He's a Pizano man. So then he's up in heaven and he's like, hey, what happened to my girlfriend with all the baby and all that. And so Starmaker takes him down to Earth and his little girl is graduating high school.

He's like, oh, sorry, sometime has passed. Oh, but yeah, sorry. I'm just God. I can't like go backwards in time and show you everything else. But let me show you her graduation. The most boring day, by the way. Graduation. For any parent.

Yeah. I'm imagining. Yeah, it's not the most. You have to watch 500 other people walk on stage. Oh, Lord. And but that this is where. they have. At least, Ackerman, you could be out of there right away.

Oh, yeah. Later is what I'll say. Later, I'm out. Ran into a train. Oh, no. But this is where you have the gorgeous, gorgeous song. When you walk through a storm, keep your head up high.

And don't be afraid of the dog. At the end of the road, it's a golden sky and the sweet silver song of the lock. Walk on through the rain, walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed. and blown walk on with hope in your heart. And you'll ever walk alone

you're the one. Now what do you think about that? Isn't that the greatest musical? I don't know why. Because I've seen you guys do a lot of stuff. But for some reason, that may be more uncomfortable

than anything. Lauren put her face in her jacket. I didn't like that. And I didn't like it. It's beautiful. It was lovely. It was lovely.

Thank you. There was something about it that gave me absolute. Reverse chills. Yeah. Barf. Like indentations into your skin.

I think it's called the ick. Oh. Oh. We gave me the it after all this time. You won't date us anymore? That's the first time I got the egg. No, it's great. So this guy's redemption is...

He gets to see his little girl graduate and he kind of nods and goes, hey, shit works out. But while he was on Earth, he was a piece of shit. Yeah. It's a weird story. That's his legacy. And that's carousel? Yeah. And it has nothing to do with a carousel?

Well, he works on the carousel. Like, I guess that was a job back in the 20s or whatever was like, hey, let me put you on this horse. And the seasons they go round and round. He was a carnival barker, was this? Or no. I think he worked the car. literally worked the carousel, probably getting people to go on the carousel. That's what it was. Now, of course, I stayed the role of Jigger in our high school production. He was even worse.

He's the guy who gets Billy Bigelow into trouble. Absolutely. And gets away. Yeah. He gets away with it, although I can only imagine he comes to an unseemly end. Billy Bigg, probably. We don't, we never see it. I would love to see a show just about him. Oh, 1,000 percent. And what he does that for us. Yeah, just the adventures of Jigger. Yes, for sure. It opens with the line. Not a great name. It opens with the line. That was a close one.

Let me change my name real quick. And of course I got to say the line, you wobbly-hipped old slut. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Well, that's a really good one. A wobbly-hipped old slut like you. But we've talked about, of course, the song, This was a real nice clam bake. We're mighty glad we came.

Goes on for so long. The vittles we at. We're good, you bet The company was the same Our hearts are full Our bellies are full And we are feeling fond This was a real nice clam bake

And we all had a real nice time Was that worse? That was better It was better I'm just stressed Now are you familiar Why are you so stressed? What you guys are doing?

Have you ever listened to a podcast? I guess we're two men to tell the entire story of Carousel backwards. Singing every song. Now, are you familiar with the Jerry Lewis Telethon? Does that mean anything to you that phrase? Yeah, roughly. He did. On Labor Day every, or the Labor Day weekend.

Yes. My birthday, typically. Yeah. Was it three days? I think so. Oh, okay. I don't know. He would close it.

He would close it by singing, you'll never walk alone. That was how you knew it was definitely over. We hit our goal. We've raised so much money for muscular dystrophy. And now I'm going to sing this song. Oh, 21 and a half hours. So not 24. But it would be over three days.

No. Why not 24? Why not just push it to the last few hours? I know. It is a lot. Well, it would air from Sunday evening through late Monday afternoon. Yeah. Because of course there's a few hours where you have to show the American flag on TV.

Okay. And the news probably has to come on. Probably. Probably. Bam, bam, bam. Are you, do you remember that from being a kid? No, we've talked about this. Okay.

Oh, sorry. I am so sorry. Well, I only say that because normally I would say, what do you mean? But then I actually do know what you mean. We've talked about it. Because you do remember. Because I do remember you talking to me about this. But you don't remember.

No, we never, they never put the flag on with music on TV in my memory. Why would they do that? To indoctrinate you. Yeah. There's no other reason. Yeah. Well, it's the same. our broadcast day with the national anthem.

It's the same thing as like starting baseball games with it. There's no reason for it. I hate it so much. It's unifying. You were the first person in Neil during it, weren't you? Oh, I laid down. Actually, you were a little sleepy and you went to sleep. I laid down.

I put my, I folded my hands behind my head and I was like, and oh, he really doesn't care. I was, yeah. Your eyes were wide open, though. I put an extra hat on, my existing hat? Yeah. I tell you about the time when I was, we were going out somewhere and Emmy put a hat on me. And then we went out.

We got in the car and we're driving along and Kulev suddenly looks at me and goes, why do you have two hats on? And I didn't realize I was already wearing a hat and she put a hat on me. And now she constantly says, dad, you have two hats and laughs. Oh, my God. Whether you have two hats on her. Yeah, she just like to almost like remember when you had two hats on. It's so funny. When I was in Austin flying home, this man came through the TSA, you know, whatever, the security line.

And he had on a camo baseball cap. It's camouflage, by the way, for the listeners. Yeah, if you're not familiar. And two cowboy hats stacked on top of that. Presumably because he didn't have a bag that would fiddle them. But then he was wearing three hats in the airport. I see that a lot. Yeah.

Really? And yeah, especially with cowboy hats. Well, that's the thing. You acquire cowboy hats on the trip. Sure. Yes. What am I going to do? Just to wear them all.

It's honestly, I love hats. You're wearing eight right now. Please don't say that. It undermines the next point. I'm about it. Okay. You love hats, but. You're only wearing one.

Wink. I don't think I could make it a day at the airport wearing a bunch of hats at the same time. Are you kidding me? That would be the. worst thing that could ever happen to me. Because of the monkeys. That I have to walk through because all the monkeys would take them. Yeah. Because I have to walk through the airport with

two. I mean the surviving members of the monkeys would take your hats. If I'm walking through the airport wearing two cowboy hats, one on top of the other. You don't think once they get through the line, they just take it off. He put him back on after he got through the line. I watched. Guys, a lunatic. I watched and waited. Yeah, they leave them on. And I was really just, I was thinking if that were on,

I, you know. In a way, I admire it. The lack of self-consciousness. Well, it's the IDGAF of it all. Yes. Don't you put it on like you take your bag, extender, holder thing? You just put your hats on that, right?

It's not going to work like that. Because that's also the handle. Don't, you know, on the handle, don't you think they should make retractable side things? Of course, for your cowboy hats? Yeah. And you could, like, dry a shirt on it. No, no, no, they should, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you think they should have a tray where you can eat a meal off of it? My bag, honestly, it goes through TSI checkpoints. It's so clean. I eat an omelet off of it. It's disgusting. But don't you remember, do we already talk about this? They put batteries in a way luggage.

And then like that day the airport was like, you can't have a battery in your luggage. We've talked about this in like the last two weeks. But it is always so funny. I don't know if that was something that we talked about privately. No, no, no. It's hilarious. unless you're me and the first time the person goes,

you can't take that on the plane. You have to literally, no one has tools and all of your shits in it and you have to literally rip it out of the... It just pops out. No, it just pops out. No, this did not. They were like,

the whole thing has to come out. And they... Oh, like the mechanism that it sits in? Everything had to come out. And they were like, you, otherwise you can't take this. And we're at the airport and we don't have any other bags.

And I had to like find a way to pry it out of the thing. The swagger with which away said, We've solved it for you. Yeah. It would have been cool. You're welcome, by the way. I, you know, I'm always tempted to buy new luggage because there's so many beautiful designs being rolled out every day.

I would wear it if I would wear it. New colors. I just can't bring myself to do it. I just go, the bags work. I mean, I know that exactly. I'm like, I would love to have a beautiful, shiny color new bag, blah, blah, blah. And then I just go, or I just roll this one and throw it on the fucking thing. How often do I see it?

I mean, it just doesn't matter. Yeah. It doesn't matter. I do single-use luggage. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. To throw it away after every airport.

I mentioned Jerry Lewis again. There was a rumor that he never wore the same pair of socks twice. When I saw him speak, that is true, but he also would change socks like eight times a day and would just get a new package of socks, go through it every single day, every couple of hours because he loved the feeling of putting on new socks. And so every couple of hours he would. I mean, I do too, but it's a little much. All day long. All day long, just putting on new socks. That's crazy.

That's not well. I'm glad that guy's dead. For that reason only. Yeah. Because you're a huge fan. Otherwise. Not so much of his work. No.

Just his personality. Yeah. Did I tell you when I saw him speak? Oh, yeah. He basically the moderator is a huge fan of his and had read his book and said his book was the most important book that he'd ever read about filmmaking and asked him three questions and every question, Jerry Lewis. I think because he couldn't hear him, but he was just like, what? Well, that's a stupid question. Next question.

That's the worst kind of response to something. And then after three questions, he goes, you know what? I'm tired of listening to you. Let's just take questions from the audience. Because he couldn't hear? I don't know. It was, I also think that's just his temperament. You think he's an ass cheek?

He was an ass. Maybe he was an ass cheek. He was an ass cheek. Maybe he was a real ass cheek. Stop being such an ass cheek. We should start that. This is how slang is. is born. This is how it's done, baby. All right, call everyone who's being a jerk to you an

ass cheek. No, acheek. You're an ostcheek. You have to pronounce it that way. You can't use it on us. And then if you Google how to pronounce os cheek. Oscheek. Ascheek. It says, Auscheek and pronounce ass cheek. All right, we have to take it right. Summer's here and I'm already thinking about getting out of town. Booking something fun, maybe a little beach trip. But I don't want to do that. want that familiar anxiety of wondering, can I actually afford this? So I've been trying to get my

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See MintMobile for details. And we're back with more Carousel talk. Can you believe it? Because I don't even know what this is. Can you believe it? Do you know who Rogers and Hammerstein are? Yes. I mean, I've heard of the show.

show what, Blue Man Group? Blue Moon Group. That's three Little Ethan Hawks. He's super tiny. Oh, blue. They're all talking. Oh, that's what that movie's about. It's about Richard Rogers' former partner that he wrote a million musicals with.

Oh, I'm very excited to see that. I keep forgetting about it. Did you ever watch? I love Ethan Hawke. The lowdown, by the way. Obviously, I say because I watch, because I love him so much. But no, I never watched that. I keep forgetting.

You have to. It's so good. It's really enjoyable. I need to watch the lowdown. The fact is I'm like full up. of Ethan Hunt content that I just haven't, I have to watch. Yeah. And this is like my dream and yet I'm doing nothing.

Have I been on the down low? Have I been on the down low? That's a private question. That's an open question for ever. Do you remember weekends on the D.L? Weekends at the D.L. I don't know. D.L.

I was going to say is it D.L. Hughley had a show. And when people start saying on the D.L. He must have been so excited like, I can use that. I don't know if you would want to use that. It was interesting that this black comedian would have a show. Yes, I know Based on his initials, but also

A phrase in the black community That meant secretly gay But he embraced it I love that about him And he would do it on the weekends Yeah That's the great thing about the weekends All bets are off

All bets are off The weekend The weekends Of course in England they call him The weeknd Yeah The week ins Man when his movie came out

What's you're doing this week N'd When his movie came out There was a big like Pop-up installation thing on the corner on Hollywood and Cool Up and I walked by it and they were begging people to come in and no one would. What was his movie?

He did a movie with Jenna Ortega that is more of his like HBO. You can't beg people to go see a movie right now. No, it wasn't see a movie. It was just go like even wander around this thing. Wander around this thing and no one would. Maybe take a picture for Instagram, please. Oh, sad. I don't, wow, I don't.

I don't, I don't, that does not ring a bell at all. Yeah. But, um, you know what? We don't feel sorry for anyone at Joe business, because we have it worse. That's right. And if you have it worse than us? Hurry up tomorrow was the movie. Hurry up tomorrow.

No. Pass. A psychological thriller. Oh, back in. Hurry up tomorrow. I'm scared of the dark. Is that what it is? Like, let's get, please, Mr. Sunshine.

It's Mr. Sun. Son. Mr. Golden Sun Please shine down on me What the fuck? It's from Miss Rachel Oh, I'm sorry We love Miss Rachel

Unless you side with the people against her I love Miss Rachel Not to be whatever But Miss Rachel didn't make that song up I know that song since I was little I know but she does a lot of public domain songs Miss Rachel is for littles so Well she's she's singing it for my former self

But you said you were little so Okay Okay You're making a fool of yourself right now. I'll back down. I'll back down. Oh, the anti-Tompetty. Yeah.

I'm kind of the anti-Tom Petty. See? I mean, I say, I say, I'm anti-Tee-P because I don't like toilet paper. I'm opposite of Tom Petty. What do you use instead of toilet paper? I can't remember. You can't remember. Yeah.

I can't remember either. I remember it was yarn or something? It was yarn. A ball of yarn. That was a moment in time. it's really hard to flush and caused a lot of problems. You tried to unrive.

It was worth it. I end up going organic and I use lettuce. That makes sense. Plus it's so cool in your skin. It's cooling. It soothes any redness in your asshole.

And it's so absorbent. Yeah. By the way, speaking of yarn, a great children's book out there is called Extra Yarn. I don't know if you've read. Well, I can't wait to check that out.

You fucking. Fuck you. I actually will Most benign Suggestion Oh, sounds good Idiot I actually will check that

I enjoy that one But it's probably Well no We finally join the library Oh good Go get it from the library Right You fucking idiot

How many times I've been talking About wanting to do that And Mike mentioned it to another mom And she was like It takes two seconds And he was like Yeah We've been talking about doing it

For so long I waited at the counter longer than it took to do it. Oh, yeah. I got my library card again recently. It's great. It's great because we have a library in our neighborhood and I walked up there and I could not believe how much it took me back. Like libraries just smelled the same. I know.

Yeah. Old books, baby. Oh, my God. It was wild. That's great. It just feels good. Yeah, it does. It really does.

Heartbreak feels good in a place like this. And Emmy feels great about checking out books and she's always in a place like that. In a place like that. She's always excited. did that night of like, what do you want to read? And she's like, one of my new library books. Yeah. Love it.

Very exciting stuff. You do know Nicole Kidman did that ad for free to encourage people to go back to the movies. Wow. I mean, how did they swing that? Was it her idea? It might have been. Honestly, it has made her more popular. You can get people to do charity shit for free.

I think she's killing it with everything she's doing. I got no problem with Nicole Kidman. Yeah. Anyway, isn't that great? Yeah, it is great. Good shit. Hot break. scoot in a place like this.

And it became iconic. Because they are. It's iconic. Yeah. I want to go to the movies. They are. She hits that R at the end of it, even though where she's from, because she does everything else in the Australian accent.

And she goes, and why? Because they are. Yeah. Because if she were to go, they are. I may have told you, it's too sinister that. I may have told you about my friend Dan Cutforth. God, I pray that you have. England, Dan.

He is from England. And along with John Cooley? John Cooley. Isn't that his name? John Ford Cooley. Yeah. Okay. I'm thinking of Cooley High.

Always. No matter what. His wife, my former manager, Julie, would say that she was sometimes hearing him on the phone. Like he was making reservation or something. And he would have to spell his name. And then he would get to the R. And she'd hear him go, ah. Ah.

R. That's hard. They are. It's hard to know if you just go into it and just say R, even though they're against your instincts. C-U-T-F-O-R-T-H. Do you guys think, okay, we all recognize that we are relatively privileged people. Yes, I grew up the son of poor farming folk. But we are relatively privileged.

people. Do you think if you were born in... We are all relatively privileged people. We're so much to give. Do you think that if you were born in pirate times, you would have been a pirate or you would have been someone who... Had been plundered by pirates? I would have been plundered. Is that because of your personality or the situation?

Yeah, because of my personality anything. I think... I think based on... So yeah, it's kind of like a vibe. Yeah, like a vibe shift. That's hard to guess. I guess probably were, you know, for the generations back, might have been more pirity, whereas, you know, it gets cushier for generations as it lives on. So, yeah.

So maybe they'd be plundered. So I think it's kind of a mixed bag, probably for all families. I don't know if I would want to do that for a job because it's, there's so much involved with it. Pirating means, yeah. The drama mean that you have to buy to be on that shit. Well, I don't have motion sickness. Oh, you don't? Really?

Why do you not have motion sickness? I don't know. But I don't have problems in the car and have problems on boats. You can read in the car or what? You could eat them anywhere. Read this. Eat shit. You don't have a...

You didn't even wait until I got on the car. I don't... I've been getting nauseous. It's making me almost sick to say it as the plane lands. A little bit of takeoff and landing. So that's the bumpiest part of the flight. But I used to not even...

Like I'm like, now I'm starting to have a problem. Are you still able to curl up in your seat and just go to sleep and on any plane? Yes, I was envied that about you. I'm not. Not as lithe as I was at that time where I could just get completely. Yeah. I'm not comfortable like that.

Because you used to, you're what they based in Ocean's 11, the person who rolls himself up and contorts himself into the little. Actually, I was based. The one in the 11 was based on me. Oh, yeah, right. But, um. But not the other one in the 11. I wasn't two ones. But I am finding, I will fall asleep easily.

I can do that, whatever. But I'm finding that there's. there's this moment where I start to be like, I have to just focus on breathing or I'm going to fucking throw up. No. Yeah. It's terrible. This happened the last few times I've flown. I really don't want it to become a regular thing because it's really unpleasant.

And then I can't wait to get off the plane at the end. It's like that's, then that is torturous at the end when you're like. Do you think it's because you've had children and they've destroyed your insights? Probably. Yeah. Yeah. I think everything's pushed around in places it's not supposed to be and stuff. Yeah.

I was, of course, scared little boy and everything scared me. And so my first plane trip, I was just really aching with desire fear. I had blue balls during the entire time. No, I was really. Aking with desire is a nicer way to say that. I was in the lead up to it, my first plane ride, I was just, you know, wondering if I was going to throw up the entire time. And I think I did have plane sickness. I mean, my dad would take me up in helicopters a lot and I would always get plane sick.

and those and stuff and what your dad would. No, your dad would take me up in helicopters a lot. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. I didn't know it was your dad until recently. What would he do with you up in these helicopters? You just watch me get sick.

So the first page of my memoir is about how Paul, this guy, Paul would be flown by this guy, Scott's dad in helicopters. And he was called Scott's dad in it? Oh, my God. It's your memoir. Yeah. It's just the first page is kind of my memory of hearing about that. I'm going to start out with something that happened to some other people. But I think it was always a big fear with me up until like, you know, I started flying regularly.

And then it was like, it's got to be pretty bumpy for me to. Although, man, some of those two years ago, some of those flights, we took the one back from England. I remember being just terrible. That was a miserable flag. It was so, I would, I don't know what was something. We were like crammed in there. Crammed in there. It was terrible.

I remember I got a video of, so Jess McKenna was across the aisle for me. And then in front of her with somebody like shoes. and socks off. Barf, foot like up on the seat in front of it? That is just disgusting. Who could possibly think that's not disgusting? I don't understand what you're doing.

Yeah. What are you doing? Yeah. In what context does this? Would you also do that? That would be fine. Like, are you at a doctor's office? You take your shoe up and put your foot up on a...

I mean, a pediatrist's office, yes. Okay. Good catch. But there's like no... I can't think of any other place that that would be acceptable, and it's also not acceptable on the plane. It is very weird to me,

because I don't have I taken my shoes off on a plane yeah okay shoes off if you want keep socks on yes put shoes back on and go to the bathroom yes the shoes technically shoes are more disgusting than being in socks but bare foot bare foot is disgusting that's for the park that's for when you're one of those people who was a no shoe person I feel like town with no shoes I there are certain things there are certain things I have no problem with the idea of the the social contract like we don't do that because other people are a consideration. And when people can't do that, it's really wild to me. Like it's like, no, the world just exists.

This is my world. I always, I have the desire to kind of go, do you, like, does, do you just not think that's gross? Do you just, like, do you think that's fine? I'm just wondering. Yeah. I want to hear the pathology. If you did it, I wouldn't care. Yeah.

That's what they would say. Yeah. I know. It's an annoying kind of person. They're going to have an annoying response. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I do explain rules, Sammy, today. Just the age.

Oh, no. Well, because someone was, you know how occasionally when there's like a lot of traffic and there's the, do they call it the chicken lane or whatever? But, you know, where there's the middle lane that can fit one car inside. And people are going through it in order to go into a left-hand turn lane. Do you know what I'm saying? What do you mean can fit one car inside? You know how sometimes there's just a yellow line? and it's thin.

All lanes can fit just one car. But you know, you're not supposed to drive in it. It's not a full lane for a car. Oh, between traffic is going one way and the other way. And then there's a big, like double yellow that fits one car size. And you, I go, I just was in the chicken lane this morning. Yes. Because I was trying to make a left and it's taking too long with all the cars coming from that.

So I just go over into that. Wait my turn. Paul wants to do it. No, Paul wants to do it. No, Paul wants to apologize to me. I want to keep making sure he understands what I'm talking about. I do. Thank you.

And Scott, to you, I do beg your pardon. I accept your apology, but I never forget. But you sounded. I forgive, but I never forget. But you sounded stupid at first because all cars fit one. Because all cars fit one. You sound stupid. Okay.

I accept that. I sound stupid occasionally. Never heard chicken lane before. I've never heard that, but now I know it. Bok-Buck. And I can share that with my friends. I heard it because it's a lane you can pull into making a left. chicken.

Making a left-hand turn if you're clear on the left but then you have to wait for cars to pass. Anyway, so a guy was sometimes people go into the chicken lane in order to get to the left-hand

turn lane, but the chicken lane is not connected to that because they want to go around a whole bunch of cars. Well, and then they're going to cross a double line that you're actually not supposed to cross. Right. Meanwhile, I'm trying to make a left at the street that I'm at and I'm basically going to run into this guy

who's barreling full, full barrel, I mean. And I said like something probably inappropriate to say in front of my daughter, but she said, why did you say that? And then I had to explain the concept of rules and how we should follow rules because it's unsafe not to follow rules. And I think she got it. Good stuff. Well, you know, you know how there's, you know how there's a double yellow line and then it dips out a little bit to accommodate for the left turn lane.

Yeah. I do know someone who got a ticket for crossing. You basically don't want to go. You can't dip over that until you get your turn to dip in. You can't cross the yellow even just to go straight into the left. People do it all the time and I've done it too. But that she got a ticket doing that. Yes.

So that's what this gentleman was doing. So just got to make sure there's no cops around. Yeah. That's what he was. He was like, there's no cops around. Let me ram into this idiot. Yeah. We were driving in Iceland where they have.

Cars made of ice. Yeah, everything's made of ice. Yeah. It's a land of ice. And the road is ice? The people are made of ice. Now I always heard that Iceland's green and Greenland's ice. That is largely a myth.

You're going to punch me? Yeah, I'm taking my rings off. Take my earrings out. Greenland is a barren land, a land that bears no green. Okay. So why do you want it so bad? A land that bears no green. think that that's from a that's from a old sea shanty that's nice thank you from greenland whale fisheries

well anyways they have these roads that are just single roads but you can pass people but you have to like know what you're doing because cars are coming from me so it's just two lanes uh going opposite ways and so if it's absolutely clear and you can see like dead ahead like oh for a long long time it's clear you can pass somebody but people get in accidents because they don't I think they don't realize this we saw like a car fucking flipped over like off a bridge oh because it apparently it happens it happens fairly often take your time and do it properly please do it properly please we also picked up a hitchhiker in iceland we'd never done that before oh really did he murder you she sexist did not murder us well I'm more

She nearly embezzled from us. She's female. White-collar crime. She did a white-collar crime on us in the car. Well, this has been driving tips with the Threatom Boys, Dem Threatham Boys. I hope you're ready to get out there on the road and not be afraid. If you're listening to us while you're driving, we hope you've been following all the rules. Also, you're not going to like the next segment because we are including a lot of sirens and hornhongs.

Yep. We do need to take a break, though, when we come back with something exciting. fighting's going to happen. So you don't want to skip this. Okay, bye. Here's a little trivia about summer. Summer always changes the way I want to dress. Now, that sounds like it's trivia about me, but it's not. The second it gets warm out, I want to stop wearing anything complicated or uncomfortable. I just want pieces that are light, easy, and somehow make it look like I have my life together. And that's why I've been loving quince lately. They have really beautiful elevated basics. linen, organic cotton, washable silk,

all those fabrics that immediately feel nicer the second you put them on. Now, Quince has been a friend to me. They've been a sponsor. I've gone there. I've gotten things that are great. Right now, they've got some linen stuff that I'm excited to be taking with me

on tour this summer because I want to be comfortable, but I also want to look sharp. So I got a, it's a sort of linen suit. Uh, more casual, though, less structured. It's a navy blue. It's so comfortable and breathable. And it looks great. I'm so excited to be wearing it around.

They've got 100% European linen pants, dresses and tops, starting at just $32. Their denim is also incredibly soft, like me. And their organic cotton sweaters are perfect for those weird summer nights, where it suddenly drops 20 degrees for no reason. Also like me. And the thing that's wild is that everything at Quince is priced 50. to 80% less than summer luxury brands because they work directly with ethical factories, and they cut out my arch enemy, the middleman.

They also now have home goods, kitchen items, betting all these elevated everyday essentials that make your life feel slightly more put together, as I referenced earlier. Thesis statement proven. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash freedom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. now available on Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E-D-com slash freedom for free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com slash freedom. I'm Dr. Susan Swick, a child psychiatrist and the host of Talkaboutable. This season, I'm talking with parents and experts about how we tackle the everyday challenges of raising kids. We'll get real about those pebble-in-the-shoe issues we all face as parents, and how to build resilience and community through our own experiences. Talk Aboutable Season 2 from Lemonata Media in partnership with Montage Health and their Ohana Center for Child and Family Mental Health is out now. And we're back. Guess what time it is?

Paul, you're the ultimate pick me girl. Tell us. That's the truth. Oh, my God. No one's picked me yet either. I know. That's part of the problem. It's time for a goddamn three-time.

Yeah, God has damned these. And so we're afraid to do them usually. Because they're cursed by God himself. Like that fig tree. That's right. He was hangary. He does a lot of stuff in the New Testament. I'm talking about old J.C.

That, yeah, he's never sinned, but he was kind of an asshole. Yeah, that's why he's only just all right with me. Yeah. Jesus is just all right with me. Oh, no. I'm putting my. head inside my shirt because I hate this. Oh yeah.

Jesus is just all right with me. Jesus is just all right. Oh yeah. Who sang that song? It's from a musical. It's from a musical? Isn't it? I don't think it is.

I think it's a 70s song. Maybe it's the, oh, it's the doobies, yeah. The dubies, which doby you be. Which dooby you be? We are going to play a game called Audio Book. This was submitted by Cartoons underscore plural. Thank you, Cartoon's Plural.

Originally existed when we took these. And I guess we played it before because it's in our Threatom Games used file. Oh, there we go. That's the proof. You don't want to end up there. Now, Scott, how do we play this goddamn game? Okay, well, this says,

Ask Computer for a genre and topic. Now, I don't know what the fuck that means. How am I supposed to ask my computer for genre? And topic. I just typed in... Genre and a topic. I just typed in, can I get a genre and topic for a book? And it just lists like four types of genres that books are...

All right. So let's just do a genre. Okay. So... I don't think we need a topic. Yeah, sci-fi. We'll say sci-fi. Okay.

Like you said, I'm reading a sci-fi book. Nobody would say, what's the topic? What's the topic covering? Yeah, it's going to be... You know, it's going to be about lasers or whatever. Anyway, so then... It's going to be the... One person is the narrator of the audiobook.

The other two voice all of the... characters or not the other two voice characters. We have played this. I remember this. Oh, good. Okay. This is similar to that movie trailer game, which we've also done. We all, yeah. Anyway, we're going to do this. Who's the narrator? First, what?

Why don't you pick a genre? Oh, we picked it already. Sci-Fi. Yeah. Why don't you pick a title? Okay. Because that may determine the topic. And then you'll be the narrator. I'll be the narrator. Okay. Great. All right. The title of the book is The very curious person who is hiding in my spaceship.

Great title. Oh, they're curious. And we begin on chapter two. Good. Don't need chapter one. I'll just jump right into the action. Sure, yeah. Chapter one is just all about the training set up.

Oh, yeah. Getting measured for the spacesuit. Got it. Yeah. I press the blast off button. I heard the noise again. It should not be the first person. No, first person is great.

It's not like Bright Lights Big City, which is in third person. But no, do it. It's the second person, isn't it? Oh, is that in second person? Yeah. No, it's good. I'd like to. First person is good because you can have, we can hear your inner thoughts reacting to what we talk about.

But then I'm a character. It's okay. I think it should be third person. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's do third person. She pressed the blast off button.

She heard the noise again. Gets us right in there. Coming from the cabinet. It sounded different this time. More guttural. Can someone stop with that noise? She walked to the cabinet and pressed her ear to the door. Who to fuck making that noise?

Hey, who's in there? From inside, she heard. Hey, who's in there? We'll say it again. What do you mean who's in there? You're the one who's in somewhere. She opened the cabinet door only to find a creature. Ugh.

Kick. Ouch! Why would you do something like that to me? She shook her head, sadly, at the creature. I'm going to have to kill your ass. It's always... Sunny in Philadelphia? It's always a shame when a creature doesn't know how to take a kick.

She grabbed the creature by the collar. Get over here. Ouch, my collar! So you wear collars? too, wherever you're from. I guess we're not so different after all. Yeah, but you're just wearing a color and the rest of you is goo. They took a moment to smile.

My name is Mike Wikowsky. I'm from Monstersink. Wait a second. I'm my biggest fan. You've seen my movie? About a hundred times. I got kids, you know. Suddenly.

A meteor struck the hull. Ouch, my hole. Is that what you call your back? Yeah. How does meteor get in our spaceship? The captain rushed the controls. And said, Why would you say that?

The ship lurched forward and then into hyperspace. Oh, no, I get hyperspace sickness. Don't throw up on me or I'll have to kick you again. I'm going to Ralph. He said. Yuck! What kind of intergalactic goo is this? The vomit looked weird.

It was green, but also glowy. This isn't vomit at all. This is going to make me sick. This is a space parasite that's attached itself to me. Thank God you were here. Just then, everyone's dad walked in.

Hey, dad? What are you doing here? We have the same dad? Oh, my God, we're brother and sister. This is weird because I started to get attracted to you. You're a Wikowski. Oh, dad. The father looked back and forth

between his two diverse children. Kids, I love yous. The captain blanched. I don't know what that means, but I'm doing it. You're the captain? I'm the captain now. No, I'm blanching. The alien shook his head sadly.

Oh, boy. I wish I had one of our magic doors with us. so we could get out of here and into someone's nightmares. Suddenly a door opened. Oh, I do have one of my doors. Solly? Did Soley Solenberger? The airlock had been breached.

They began to be sucked into the inky blackness of outer space. Oh my gosh. This blackness is so inky. Their fingers were clawing onto the floor. I hate being sucked into this. It's not my time yet. No, not like this. The carpet began to peel away.

Okay, fine. I just laid this down. I'm giving it. I'm giving into it. Oh my gosh. Dad threw himself in front of the breach. Oh, get in front of this breach. Why did I say whoosh?

I don't know. But that was the sound that I heard, so I said it. I actually just went through the wrong door. Another person just entered. My name was Sully. But I'm gone now. Why can I still hear you? because I'm omniscient.

Have we found God on this space exploration? Just like Star Trek 5? They stared at each other in silence for what felt like 10 full minutes. Then finally, the captain spoke. I'm the captain now. The original captain answered from outside the spacecraft. That's why I'm the captain now, because our original captain's outside. Anyway, we hope you're having a great trip here on the spaceship, and we need you to put your shoes and socks back on if you've taken them off.

And we're going to be touching down on the planet Quintar 46 very soon. Chapter 3. The spaceport at Quintar 36 was full. Sorry, I meant Quintar 36, not 46. So, I mean, I'm going to be honest. I meant to go to 46. We're here at 36. We're 10 planets over.

That's a shame on me. But we hope you can find safe passage over to Quintar 46. And we'll see you next time you fly. We know we have several choices when it comes to space exploration. And we appreciate you choosing us. In the control tower, they answered. Okay. I'm sorry.

Was I talking to you and not to our passengers? I didn't know you were talking to us, but we didn't. you were talking to us, but we did hear you. We did register what you said. I pressed the wrong button then. To be fully honest, it sounds like the people on your spaceship don't really care what you talk about. I mean, they're on the wrong planet, so they're pretty pissed. I got to admit.

Their voices faded to static as the ship dropped out of the atmosphere and plunged to its destruction. The end. That's right. It was a three-chapter book. Wow. I don't know that we got our money's worth on that book. You don't think so? Yeah. I expected to do the whole thing.

The end. That was great. That was great. That was perfect. It was great. I think everyone learned something too. It was perfect. And you can do it.

It was word. Anyone can do it. We did it perfectly. And that's just what it is. Are we on time? Did we do an episode? Should we do some more stuff? We could probably shoot the shit for another five minutes.

What do we got? What do we got, guys? It's, look, this is, I think I got the date wrong on our last episode. I apologize for that, but you know what? This is June 11th. Okay. Wow, that's wild. It's wild to think.

Well, if I have something coming up, I will post about it on my Instagram. I may or may not, you know, TBD. Yeah, you never know. Yeah. But Paul and I, we're going back out on the road this Tuesday. Yeah, man. We're going to be in Atlanta. Atlanta, Georgia.

And then we're going to be in Nashville, a week from tonight. Nashville, Tennessee. Nashville, Tennessee. And then we're continuing on to South Carolina, North Carolina, Washington, D.C., statehood now. New York, New York, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Boston, or Medford, rather, Massachusetts. By the way, only a 10-minute drive. So no one of you can complain. If you're in Boston, why don't you take a 10-minute drive to Medford?

Yeah. Fairfield, Connecticut, and then Portland, Maine. We're going to all that. And then we're going to the UK and Ireland. Then we're going to Vancouver and Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Denver, Dallas, San Antonio, Austin. So many great places. We're going to every Carolina and every Portland that we're aware of. That's great.

And I would like to tell my story about my first encounter with the city of Portland, Maine, which was when I was a telemarketer doing movie surveys for a company called NRG. NRG. That's almost like the word energy, but not enough to make it. It's different national research group. I felt good that I was contributing in something for the nation. And I remember calling a number in Portland, Maine. And this gentleman sounded like an older gentleman was very upset that I was calling it. Why are you calling here?

I'm reading my Stephen King novel. Just like that. It's like Fred Gwynn from Beth Cemetery. And when I said, he was very upset. Like, why are you calling here? How did you get this number? what are you doing? And I said, we're doing movie surveys.

And he said, oh, movie surveys, huh? And I said, yes. And he said, I like those Wallace Beery pictures. The wrestling guy? And then I started to say something. I went, and he went, fuck California. Wow. Great.

You just reminded me that I did some focus groups at one point to make some extra cash. Oh, really? I remember doing focus groups for extra cash. Yeah. I don't really remember. I remember watching a trailer for a movie. I don't remember what it was. I remember trying to.

The Mandalorian and Grogu? It was that recent, yes. Just for some extra cash. And definitely some products I tried. But a lot of fun. I do one for random people in a room. For a cigarette brand. It's a quick easy, what, $40?

How much was I getting? I don't know. I can't remember. I remember it seemed like all the money in the world. Well, great. Yeah, that's easy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And I, of course, portrayed a hospital patient for $10 when I was in theater school. $10. $10. I played two things. I played a hospital patient who's falling out of his wheelchair. And then a – because these are problems. You must have told me the story. I think on an early episode, this is a problem in nursing school that one has to overcome

and figure out how to do it. And the one thing that they were like, we grade them on whether they lock the wheels of the wheelchair. And my person did not. And then the other, my friends, my, and then did you act like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And they put a little banana peel next to it. Anyway, it was crazy.

But then my other friend who I did it with, who got an additional $10, they were going to change his bedpan. Right. And the one thing that they grade you on is whether you pull the curtain for privacy and the person forgot to do it. And then I got to watch my friend,

embarrassedly pretend to take us. Wow. And they don't stop you. And they don't stop you. Afterwards, like, guess what? You fucked up. Yeah, exactly. And so my friend then had to pretend to shit in front of me in a bedpan. I was just laughing all the time while I'm in a wheelchair. That's really funny. Wait, wait. Like, because you're not allowed to tell them you're supposed to close the curtain. Yeah. No, I know. But, but this was to see the changing of the bedpan. Do we have to start with him shitting in the bedpan? Well, you got to be like, you got to be like, he needs a bedpan. And so you got to like, oh, it starts from there like,

Nurse, nurse. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm going to soil my liens. And the person had to sit there and like, take it and then clean out the bed hand. Take it. Take it. Anyway, a very enjoyable 10.

How was he at acting out the process? You know, it was spot on. Like, how far did he go? How far did he go? You just kind of was like, I'm miming right now. I'm just kind of like, loo.

And looking at me, making full eye contact going, like, shaking his head. like they didn't pull the fucking curtain. I've got to do this while I'm looking right at you. Because if they do pull the curtain, everyone else is on the outside. Yeah. You could make out.

That's true. A lot of nurses do that from what I hear. That's why the curtains originally were there. Well, when I'm in the hospital, I will always say, I need a bed pad pad over here. And then they pull the curtain.

I'm like, forget about that bedpan. Let's just make the fuck out. Here, as quickly as you can't erase the idea that I was about to shit in this bed. Now let's make out. Anyway, those are stories from our lives that we undoubtedly told before. And we undoubtedly will tell again. Yep, we love them.

We are going to see you next week. We still have a few episodes before we take another break. Just to prepare you all. We're taking a break during the summer. And we are working towards 10,000 episodes, like we said. Yes. We'll get there. So we'll finally be good at this.

Um, hangclaimday.com to leave us a voicemail. FreedomUSA.gmail.com to send us a three-cher. Everything else, go see the burser in the bursor's office. Bye. Bye.