Threedom - There Must Be 22 Positions in a One Night Stand

Episode Date: June 12, 2025

Scott, Lauren, and Paul discuss a tough set, making dictionaries, and old hags before playing Bad Rap. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Yeah, Junior's busting out all over, all over the meadows and the hills And the scoop-a-tata-tee-cha-choo-ka-choo-ta-dee-pah-dee-pah I remember Junior and Lunier rhyming in that song. Boo. My uncle Junior and he's acting even Lunier. Oh, Lunier. Jesus Christ. That's a stretch.

Yeah, come on, Rogers or Hammerstein. You remember of course the famous Leslie Uggum's video. Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum course, the famous Leslie Uggum's video. I perhaps don't. Uggum, Uggum, Uggum, Uggum. I don't Uggum. I love them. Uggum, Uggum, Uggum. She is tasked with singing this song, maybe at the Tonys. And was this a live challenge on the Tonys? She brought names out of her hat. I'm going to Google her because I don't know who that is. She was a singer and actor. And so she's supposed to come through the audience singing June is Busting Out All

Over. Okay. And then she clearly does not know the words that June is Busting Out All Over. And she is just making noises in time to the music. I mean that's even better. It's like the Patti LaBelle. Oh! She just kept kind of going oh! Yeah. It's Christmas! It's Christmas! And then you remember Mariah Carey's some New Year's Eve thing where she had a technical thing. Fracus. That she just walked away. Oh, I don't think I've seen that one. I mean, that's the Ashley Simpson on SNL.

She just did a little dance. Did a little dance. Honestly, that would be really hard. Like, she was really young. Yeah. That would fuck you up. If you were 60, you could handle that. Well, it'd be...

Or the five-year-old kid who dances to Michael Jackson. But if you were 60, you would have proven that your career already and like would have been like, oh yeah, I guess he had an audio track for that. His voice was messed up. Like he's performed live a million times. Like, you know, if you're 20 or whatever she was, it's like, that's her trying to prove herself.

And then that's so hard. I did the other night. And especially when you get the sense that she was sort of forced into having a music career because her sister was successful. It's like, no, we're going to make money off all you kids. Yeah. I did.

Ron Funches had a show last night that I did. Was it called Bunches of Funches? No, it was not called Bunches of Funches. It was called Funchadelic, which is pretty good. And it's a variety show. So he said, would you like to come and do some comedy and maybe good. Okay. And it's Friday show. So he said, would you like to come and do some comedy and maybe do a song? And I said, sure.

Ooh, you did a song. So I did a little standup set. Do a little standup. Sing a little song. And I sang a song. Now. Get down at Funchorama. I didn't know how much of a standup set

he wanted me to do. And so I had, it was Easter. And so I thought I'll do some Easter appropriate material. Yes, about Doubting Thomas, one of my favorite stories and how stupid he was. He was like, this ain't Jesus. Doubting Thomas essentially was the original picture. It didn't happen.

Yeah. Pixar, it didn't happen. Yeah. And Pixar, it didn't happen. Yeah, I didn't hear Pixar. I didn't hear Pixar didn't happen. Pixar, it didn't happen. He was right, it had to happen at that point. Pixar didn't happen. Until the 90s, I think.

But then I overheard Ron say to one of the other performers on the show that he wanted us to do like 15 minutes. Uh-oh. And I was like, I do not have 15 minutes prepared. And so I kind of, I limped through a set that I, I just was not, it felt bad. Oh, at the show you had to do, you kind of were like, now let's make it 15.

Yeah. I would have been like, I got five. I know, I should have said something, but I felt like- I got five. I felt sort of honor bound to fill that time. I don't think, I think Ron would have been okay if I said, hey, I don't really have anything prepared because I'm still kind of getting back into doing standup

and doing it on other people's shows is much different than doing it on my own show. Where I feel a certain level of freedom and yes. People, people, yeah, exactly. They know you're gonna be there. They know what to expect. On someone else's show, you walk out and people go like, no, no. People, yeah, exactly. They know you're gonna be there. They know what to expect. On someone else's show, you walk out and people go like, no, no, no, no, no.

Where's Ron? Where's Ron? Yeah, yeah, even though they just saw that he introduced me. Yeah. They're like, why is he leaving? People start crying. What was the song you sang?

Well, here's the thing. Okay. I picked a song that I had done before and a song called... Oh, I love that song. It's a bad title. It's hard. Well, it's hard to say. Yeah. So I don't say the title.

I just go into the song. Song called 10 Things by Paul Barabou. One. Which is a really great song. To pick up the phone, you know, this is a drunk and alone. Two. To pick up the phone, you know, this is drunk and alone.

Three. Pick up the phone For pick up the phone because you know that he's drunk alone. Eight, pick up the phone because you know that he's calling, he's drunk alone. Nine, pick up the phone because you know that he's calling, he's drunk alone. Ten, pick up the phone because you know that he's calling, he's drunk alone. So last off, I listened to the song. It was a half hour drive from my place to the venue. I listened to the song, it was a half hour drive from my place to the venue. I listened to the song over and over again to reacquaint myself with it. Maybe let's say six times. Oh, more than six. It's not a long song.

Oh, is it not long? Not a long song. And so by the time I got there, I was good. I was like, okay, this is good. There's a couple of tricky moments in it. It's a very fast song. And so ran through it with the band beforehand, got there early to run it with the band. Tapa doodle doo. Yeah, it was the crack of dawn. And I was like, great, this is gonna be fine. And so it was time for me to go up.

I go up. Paul, it's 6.02. That's what the person said to you. Showtime. It says right there on the ticket, 6.02 PM. Showtime. The standup is not going that well. Sure.

Because it's all new stuff. And I know like I'm forgetting key bits. And this happens sometimes where I start to go into a thing where I'm like, I don't have anything for this. Why did I start saying that? It's such a weird feeling of like remembering, it's like remembering a thing that is part of a remembering, it's like remembering a thing that is part of a story, but not really,

it's not funny and it's like, no, don't put that in there. Three of them. But I'm alone. But you have a doing standup for so long. Do you feel, in that moment, do you feel nervous or do you just feel like, ugh, I can predict that's not funny because I just messed that up. And do you care anymore if you, I mean, I know you, I know you care, not lack of caring, but can you get off like, will it rattle you?

Or are you just in the moment kind of going like, oh, this isn't going good. And it doesn't affect your performance. You know what I mean? It trying out new stuff still feels bad. That still feels bad when it's not there yet. It's still feels bad. That still feels bad. When it's not there yet, it's still a bad feeling. Like I can go out there with material that I know very well and bomb and I can laugh about it.

Like, well, I know I tried my best. And this material works on, and it's just, I'm a victim of circumstance at this point where whatever happened with this audience didn't connect with it. Exactly. And with this, I always have the feeling of, I'm not victim of circumstance at this point where whatever happened with this audience didn't connect with it. Exactly. And with this, I always have the feeling of I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not doing a good job and I'm letting somebody else down because it's somebody else's show. And even though it's not-

And Ron might've gotten famous from the show, but you didn't do a good stand up. Ron already is. Ron's doing fine. And so then I was going to get off and then I forgot. Twenty two positions in a one night stand. And then I forgot I forgot like almost Simon. Yeah, Paul Simon. There must be 22 positions in a one night stand. Just to do 69.

Jine Jine Jine. Try to think of any. Do missionary Larry. Is there one? Do doggy style. Jack. And so then I almost got off to forgetting the song and I was like, oh my God, that's right.

The song. So I started the song. You have to cue it. You're something's going crazy. Sorry, the vibration. Something's going crazy. It, the vibration. Something's going crazy. It sounded like an amber alert or something. It's my telephone has a vibrato.

Vibrato, see? Maybe put it on a chair. Maybe get over it. It makes me feel like something's happening. Well, nothing's happening, girl. Except you being a chicken little. OK. So I go in this, I start the song

and now I'm so rattled by the set. I go into the second verse and I screw up the words. No. And I say, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh God, you're Huey Lewis. People are laughing. Huey Lewis did that?

Or who did that on SNL? Oh, Elvis Costello. Thank you. Yeah, but he did it because he wanted to fuck over. Honestly, it was a common mistake. Huey Lewis's band Clover played on the first Elvis Costello album. That's why I said that.

I understand why you confused him. That's why I said that. So I had to get out my phone. Joan. Give her the bone, Joan. Make her go blow out her back, Jack. To look at the lyrics. And I was mortified.

It felt so bad. Like you- What was the song? Oh, your song. I am not going to tell you. You already told me. Come on, please. You already told me. You You're in. Please.

You're a tell me, please. This is one of those stories that it sucks. No, no, no, no, no. Please. Interrupted. It's such a bummer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jokes. They were like, look, I get it. I'm sorry. I get it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, and I, I, I, you already told me the song and I just simply don't know that song

and that's why I forgot. So go ahead. And it felt bad. It just felt bad. It's the worst. I left there feeling like I did a bad job and then Ron was like, hey, did you get paid? If not, what's your Venmo?

And I just drove back and I'm like. Just don't hit it. Just, yeah. I don't get money for that set. And did he write back, oh, it wasn't that it. Just yeah, I don't. I don't get money for that set. And did he write back? Oh, it wasn't that bad. I thought you were funny. Or did he say, I get it?

No, he wrote back and said, understood. No, I watched it, so I understand. What did he say? He has not written back yet. OK, fine. This just happened. He's probably before I came here. He's probably also going like, well, do I really listen to that and not give him the money?

Come on now. Come on. No, I imagine he will insist or whatever, but I, you know, it's fine. But it was, I really liked that he is doing a variety show and he said he was inspired by my show, by being on my show. Well, that's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I really, I like seeing more of that. I think there should be more of that. There should be so many variety shows that it's easy to get a variety show on the air because at this point, no one wants to buy a variety show because they're not popular anymore. But remember back in the seventies,

it was like, it seemed like every night there'd be some variety show. They're not popular anymore because there aren't any. I don't know why they wouldn't put one on TV. Every once in a while they try, they get like a famous person who kind of really doesn't want to do it. It's not an easy job.

And then they just do SNL, you know what I mean? But it's not a variety show. Live from New York, it's Saturday night. Anyway. That's something they would say on that. That's something they would say on that. That's like an example of what you would hear on SNL. But it is, it is like,

it feels weird to have, weird, I don't know, it's just odd to have been doing this for as long as I've been doing this. Oh, that it can still happen? And that it can still, not that it can still happen, but that it's still, that I'm still like feeling the same feeling. You gotta get right back up and you gotta to do a standup show this afternoon. No, it's true though. It's, it's still ways, I mean, it's interesting to hear it from you because I definitely still have that. And I'm like, well, I'm probably always going to have that. Cause I think my also, my brain kind of just works that way. I'll like to fixate on the,

you know, why did I say that? Why did I do that? I did my first real improv show the other night. A real one? Oh, I saw you were doing that. I was intrigued. So you and Manzoukas. Manzoukas. Oh, you did the two as a magic number. So Sean Dixon asked Jason and I to do his show.

I didn't know what it was, but I just said sure. Whoa. Going in blind. Then- You gotta be fucking kidding me. Couple days before, I said, hey, so what's the format of your show? And he said, well, you and Jason start off

by doing 20 minutes of just dual improv. And I went, yeah. Anyway, so- Tell me the real problem. No, it was literally that. I was like, I thought he was joking. You thought that was so insane. Yes, I did. Because who asks me to do that? So I said, no, but what is it? And he goes, no, that's what it actually is. Like you would, I said,

that's how the show starts. Oh, that's a good point too. You have to, you have to start it out with the, you have to bring the laughs, bring the noise and the fun. You don't put us on laughs after everybody gets high. And everyone's like tired and wants to leave. But it was, it was great. Good. It's a very fun show. Yeah. We just did a mono scene. We just did, and it was over before I even... There you go. 20 minutes goes by fast. Waxing your butt. Cause when I, when I, I was thinking of 20 minutes in standup terms.

Oh yeah. that's death. Which is way too long. No, it's so different for improv. Oh my God. 20 minutes in standup feels like 50 minutes. Yeah. Oh God. But then 20 minutes of-

And 50 minutes feels like no time at all. Oh, cause you're killing. Yeah, it was very fun. We did a seated improv the whole time. Are you, you chose- That sounds about right. We told everyone we were going to be seated. Were you working in an office? We said no matter what the suggestion is we were going to be seated during this. The suggestion was none, nuns. Confession. And so I just walked into a room and

he was the head of whatever you call like an abbey or whatever. The mother's superior? the head of whatever you call like an Abbey or whatever and I was a male whatever you call it. Male Nun? Priest? A Mon. It was a monastery. That's what it was. And then we just had a seated conversation about how I was doing at the monastery. But it was fun. That's a very fun show. It's Sean Distin and Devin Field and they do do two person improv. They're very, very funny together. And then they always get people. They want duos. They want duos, yeah. And sometimes it's people that have done stuff together

a lot before. Sometimes it's people that have not. Like I did it, I've done it twice now. I did it with Lily Sullivan, which was a lot of fun. We had never done that together before. And then one time I did it with Andy Daly. He and I had never done that together before. And then one time I did with Andy Daly. He and I had never done that together before and we really had a ball. Oh, they did tell me that now they have to, that now the,

the tech person blacks out the, the improv because you guys did 50 minutes. Yeah, we went for a really long time. And not, not realizing it was 50 minutes. We had no idea. We went for a really long time. And not realizing it was 50 minutes. No, we had no idea. We went for a really long time. That's awesome. And because I'm in the scene and I'm never looking at the clock,

I was like, so when 20 minutes went by, I was like, oh, that was it? Yeah, they should definitely black it out for the guests too. So you don't want to have to have that pressure on you. They also, they did not tell us that we did 15 minutes. You figured it out later? We knew that we went long. I don't think we knew that we did almost an hour.

It's so funny. But see, I feel like from doing Herald's for so long, which are like 25, 22 minutes, I feel like I have a very clear sense. And from podcasts, I kind of know when it's been 25. Just in life, not even about improv. Oh, I'm like it's oh that's podcast length But I guess Harold like I do think it's I do think podcasts At the bank about a Harold I

Think because I've watched so many episodes of step-by-step. I have a good sense of when 25 minutes my mom Will cuz I explained curb, but when we used to watch curb as a family, I'm like, it's a Herald. And so, you know, for those who are curb your enthusiasm and a Herald is a long form improv form. But so there's this ABC scenes that you revisit. A, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, one. Pick up the phone.

And so I explained to my mom then everything connects at the end. All the different stuff connects at the end that has been introduced. Okay, so she goes, and then whenever something is like, that happens again in life, she's like, that's a Harold. Ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, At least she's not saying it's like a callback. Is that totally wrong? Which too many people know what callbacks are now. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like no one knew what a callback was until it feels like then suddenly. Oh, that's so weird. That's Harold. How did it get popularized? A Harold just happened. Everyone knows what a callback is now. Yeah, I think, I do think, yeah, people refer. Like technical comedy terms.

Why does everyone know what a callback is? Oh, that's a callback. Is it from podcasts? I don't like all our terms. Why did everyone know what a callback? Oh, that's a callback. Is it from podcasts? I don't like all our terms of art being out there. Thank you. And the internet, I guess, because people just like, because the internet, because people will explain everything that way.

Like where it's like, people understand what a pilot is, a pilot episode of a show where it's like, don't say that on the phone. I didn't know what that was. Oh my God. I started watching the rehearsal last night speaking of pilots. Oh, it's very enjoyable. Anyway, I won't get into that. That was

a, was that not a, uh, Tommy Pescatelli? Yes, of course. I just thought a pilot. Don't say that over the phone. All right. We have to take a break. If you've shopped online, chances are you've bought from a business powered by Shopify. You know that purple shop pay button you see at checkout? You remember that thing? The one that makes buying so incredibly easy? Well, that's Shopify. And there's a reason so many businesses sell with it, because Shopify doesn't just make amazing buying experiences for customers, they're also the experts in helping small

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Everyone knows that we are so cool. Hey guys, I want to go back to school. Why? I want to learn everything that I didn't learn the first time. School was the worst. I want to relearn everything I didn't learn the first time. I, I, when I'm doing the crossword every day, I just have such a gap in knowledge about geography. Oh, I suck at geography. You can, you know what, there's a, you know what, there's a great app.

Okay. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure you'll find it in two seconds. She's got a great app. I told you I'm bad at geography. How can I find this? To just do the states and do the countries. Do the states, do the countries. It'll test you on them and then you can study them and then you can test again and you study them

and you test and you study them. But in the crossword, it's always like, Oh, we need to know more. The capital of this place. Oh, we can do capitals. You can do capitals. What's the F? I don't know.

It's what we used during the pandemic when we were doing that. I don't know. I think I told you I was trying to memorize all the presidents in order. And there's only fucking 46 in my opinion. I feel like we talked about this before because I can go back to... I was going backwards all the way up to like 1896 or whatever, but now I can't remember anymore. I think I can go back to Wilson.

Wilson! Okay, let's see. How to learn every country in the world. I think I can go back to Wilson. I go back to 19. Wilson! OK, let's see. How to learn every country in the world. What am I doing? Wilma? But I was doing the Dennis the Menace, I thought. I thought it was the volleyball from the cast away. That's right. Yeah. Because Mr. Wilson wouldn't yell at you. Yeah, he'd go Dennis. Here. Here's how to memorize.

He died, by the way, Dennis the Menace. Jay North. No. Yes. Who's name is way Dennis I'm in this Jay North. No. Yeah, James. You went south Jay North Jane or what's out? I have memorized all 197 countries in the world and I'll tell you how you can too. Wait, didn't we just name of the app? Didn't we just do a person on you had to guess how many countries there were in the world? Yes, this is but I'm saying oh, this is a person. Oh, this is a person Oh, I thought you were saying this first starters. For starters I recommend to go one country at a time. I started

with Memorize and the countries. Oh yeah I can do that. The United States of America. I think they mean continent. Memorize the countries of Europe but I recommend going west to east, north to south, North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Africa, Asia, Oceania. This is the order most people take when they name the countries. Memorize the countries of the continent at your own pace and direction, however you feel more comfortable with. This is written terribly. So just do it however you want. I don't know what's happening. I don't either. I just want to know the name of the ad. I swiped up by mistake and then saw this. This ad that I keep getting. I keep getting that too. Oh my God. It's someone doing like a hair

growth ad, but it's every other after every other post. It's, it's like, did you see this? It feels like you just, it's the top of a head of a woman who has very thinning hair, which is not a big, you know, it's fine, but she takes this medication and apparently has this thick head of hair that we see next. But it's just the most jarring image. You're just seeing the top of someone's head with and without hair. It looks too medical. It looks too medical.

It's just like, what? Like suddenly, yes. So we don't know the name of that app. Well, I don't, yeah. Well, I got, I went down to Wormwood. There's, you know, there's here, country's app. How about that? But you think Mike will remember?

Yeah. Could you go to like adult college and take geography? Go through that beaded curtain. I'll ask Mike what we were using. Like, it seems like all the all the like local city college classes are more for like stuff that people need to know because they're switching careers or whatever to be something like that, right? Yeah, because I'd like history.

I'd like to know more about history. You often talk about wanting to go back to school. I know. Well, I was the BMOC, big man on campus. So you think that's going to happen again? You think that's going to happen again? The bowel movement out of country? Who's that 50-year-old?

I was trying to find a different. It would be like Rodney Dangerfield. Yes. And back to Shul. My son could join me. But you, like, I think you should take an online course. I've looked, oh, that's a good idea. Because you're interested.

Although I hate Zooms. You don't have to do it. It doesn't have to be Zoom. Oh really? Sometimes things are at your own pace. Slow. Yeah, you could do it over the course of the next however many years. Fifty years.

Yeah, exactly. I don't know, is it worth it though to know more the next, how many years? Yeah, exactly. Um, I don't know. Is it worth it though? To know more. Cause I'll forget, I'll forget other things. Here it is. Matt Mike sent me this. You say he's going to get pushed out like other knowledge.

Well, okay. So I did, I did a show. Oh, maps of the world. Maps of the world. Or our maps. Sorry. Maps of our world, the geography quiz. It has 20,000 ratings and you know what?

Do they want it for other worlds? Cause I would get that too. Yeah, I'd love to figure out the names of. If we like all study this a little bit and then in a future episode, we did the test. Let's say two months. Okay. Perfect.

We'll get, it's like Taskmaster. You have two months. You have two months to study. So if you don't study that's up to you. Yeah. Okay. Okay, I'll do it. Did you start watching the show? Yes. Oh my god, I want to watch that. I always forget I want to watch that. Yeah, yeah, it's great. Where do you watch that? They have a YouTube channel. Yeah, it's all there. I'm gonna get into that. Really fun show. It's great, I can tell you good seasons. Is it addictive? I would say so. Yeah. In the sense of- You start wanting to binge it or watch one every night? Yeah, I was-

Absolutely, yeah. Cool, I've been watching sometimes like two a night. That's such a fun thing when you discover a show that's been on for a while and then you pass all this to- 19 seasons that you can catch up on. It's really fun. Yeah. The best. No, but I did a show catch up on. It's really fun. Yeah. It's the best.

No, but I did a show the other night. It was a quiz show type show over at UCB. And- You're out there doing all this shows. Shows? We did two that week. That's crazy. For you, that's a lot.

That's more than you've done in a while. From a deli owner. That's a rave. That's a rave. But so I'm up against Andy, Tian Tran and I were one team And then it's very funny. Yes, and never met her before Andy Richter I saw on that post so Andy Richter is on the other team and it just and he was a last-minute fill-in and

He won celebrity Jeopardy he did there's no and he knows so much Jeopardy. He did. And he knows so much about like every subject. Wow. I'm never gonna beat this guy. And so he won? Yeah, of course. Not with that attitude. Did you feel that you did a good job?

I did pretty good. There was one music category that I got every question. So is it like Jeopardy? It was a fun show. It was not like Jeopardy. It was a fun show. It was not like Jeopardy. It was more interesting than that. Oh, shots fired. Sorry.

Shade towards you, Jack. Ken Jennings. Take that, Jen Kennings. Whoa. Well, shout out the show. What's it called? Who hosted? If I could remember, I would.

Pfft. It's called Like Minds. It's hosted by Greg Hess. Or no, it's hosted by Joey Bland. Greg Hess books it. Greg produces it, yeah. So it was Like Minds. It's hosted by Greg Hess or no, it's hosted by Joey Bland. Yeah, Greg has books. Greg Greg produces it. Yeah. So it was like mine. I have heard of the show. Yes.

It was fun to do. To be honest, here's what happened. So it's Saturday. It was a Saturday show. Yeah. Walk me through this. OK, what's Saturday like? So Saturday. No work often. Not for everyone. Pretend I just beamed down here from outer space. what's Saturday like? So Saturday... No work often, not for everyone. Pretend I just beamed down here from outer space.

What's Saturday? Hmm, well, our calendar is made up of... Well, what's a calendar? Oh, shit. No, so Saturday, I got Emmy up, put her in ballet costume, uniform, what do you call it? Outfit. Outfit, sure.

And then Cool Up... Togs. It was Cool Up. Togs. It was Cool Up's turn to take her. Took her. No one was there. Cool Up was bound, pounding on the door. Ah! Shouting, shouting up, Hey, we're down here! And then ended up just leaving after 10 minutes.

It was spring break and apparently it was on the calendar that there was no class. But. I just. They should send a reminder. They should. But. I just, they should send a reminder. They should send a reminder. They should send a reminder. So then, anyway, what I'm gonna say is a million different things. Swim lessons, like, you know, the day was packed.

At 5 p.m., I went like, oh my God, thank God. At 5 p.m., yeah, I was just like, all right, let me have a drink. We haven't put Emmy to bed yet, but let me just have a drink. I ended up having like three glasses of wine. Yeah! And at six.

Let's get this party started. At 6.15, I say, oh fuck, I have a show. Oh, that's. And I have to be there at 6.30. That's awful. I had three glasses of wine before 6.15. Yes. Jesus. Between five and 6.30. That's awful. I'll be at Three Glasses Wine before 6.15. Yes. Jesus.

Between 5 and 6.15, I was just like, God damn it. I finally have a night to myself. Let me relax. I don't have to put Emmy to bed. It's Cool Up's term. So I feel kind of sloshed, and I have to do a quiz show. That's insane. But so I ended up not driving there, of course, taking an Uber all the way over there.

And anyway, by the time I got there, I had sobered up. But it was like, yeah, but in any case, I did OK for for being half in the bag and not knowing there was a show. That's impressive. Good job. Drunky. We kept it close. Well, that's impressive. Good job. Drunkie.

Well, that's cool. It was really cool. It was really cool, man. To be frantic and... No, it's so terrible. Remembering you have to be somewhere is like the worst feeling. It's bad. When you're just chilling and you're like, ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah! It's bad when you're just chillin That's happened to me so many times where it is It's like a not a big thing. It's clearly not a thing of my own that I'm supposed to do but Even remembering it in time like in the afternoon Yeah, where you have because you have a whole other vision set out for your evening.

Yeah. And you can't wait. Yeah. It's gonna be so good. I was gonna watch a movie. That's the best and then the worst to have that ripped away from you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, you and Sean showed up for a show and I swore it was at 2 p.m. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I never looked at my calendar and then suddenly you guys were like, I'm outside. It was 10 a.m. I'm like I just felt bad because I had like had a vision for the next four hours of what I was going to accomplish. I went through like a period where I was doing that a lot where I would be like

that thing is at two and I just wouldn't ever check. I would just like I've just be going yep I know that and then I miss it. So many times. So many times. It's so weird when that gets cemented in your brain for some reason. They're like, I definitely know that that's when it starts for sure. And so you don't bother checking. It's like, I don't need to. Yes, I know it's it's in story. Even like I put it in the calendar wrong, and didn't double check the email and just yeah, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Don't pick up the phone because he's only in your calendar because he's drunk and alone. I had a show out of town and that was the day I was coming back and I was like, oh shit, I have to do that show. I was like, well, I'll still make it. Then came the notification that, oh yeah, the show is at this time.

It's like, that's not the time I had in my earlier. So I did change my falcon flight. And then I had to go right from the airport to the show. No, because it's why feel gross. You have to. Yeah, I kind of did. Okay, I kind of did. It was a little too close. So it's one of those things where you couldn't have bailed on the thing. No, I cannot have built on the family. And you know, I feel like I were renewing your vows, right? He calls that a show. Can we cut the corner? Our wedding was quite a show. I feel like I used to bail on things

a lot. Maybe not a lot, but enough where it's like, you start to get that rep of like, you're unreliable. I don't think I ever got the rep, but I where it's like, you start to get that rep of like, you're unreliable. I don't think I ever got the rep, but I think I started to realize you can't do that. It started to feel bad. No, it was funny. It would be social plans or shows or whatever. It sucks way more to fail

than it is to just say no from the start. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd much rather reply immediately and just say no, because I do think there's that, and maybe this is an Amy Poehler thing that I heard, she was the one I heard this from, where like you, if you don't want to do it on Tuesday or tomorrow or whatever it is, like then don't do it.

Like if you don't want to do it when somebody asks you to do it. Right. If you don't want to do it tomorrow, like if they're like in a month, do you want to do this show? And you're like, sure, a month later, me thinks that's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, but no, it's tomorrow. And then you're like, well then no.

Yeah, exactly. It's funny. I did Seth Meyers podcast, Seth and his brother Josh Meyers podcast. And let's say it was 10 AM. Like I was on the Zoom at 10. And it was 10 AM. I was on the Zoom at 10 AM and Seth was there

and he goes, ha ha ha, another podcaster, knowing how time is important. I love this. Yes. Because I guess just everyone. Oh yeah. Another podcaster knowing how time is important. I love this. Because I guess just everyone. Oh yeah. I'm sure people just don't. Or blows it off. Yeah.

Right. I've really made a concerted effort to not just, you know, not bail on things, which I don't bail on things anymore, but to actually show up with a good attitude. You know what I mean? Cause it's like, I agreed to do this and also realizing I have the ability to turn this around for myself. I can make this fun, you know, because somebody's asking me to do a fun thing.

Even though it's like, I maybe I don't feel like it's too far away or it's whatever reason, but it's like, I can actually make this enjoyable. It doesn't have to be, I don't have to stay in the same mindset of, I can't wait till this is over or whatever. But also I'm making a real effort to be on time for shit because I was late for things so much and it really started to feel bad. It really started to feel bad.

Yeah, yeah. Being late frustrates me and others. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hate being late. But I do feel like since having kids, I'm like consistently, not five minutes late to everything, but like maybe the first thing.

It's like. The first thing in the day. Yeah, yeah. It's a little tricky. I mean, it's tough on the weekend, 9 a.m. ballet classes on a Saturday morning. That's tough. They're tough.

Fuck off! But I will say, I think I need to get some of that stuff pop in because the weekends are long and it'd be nice to have like, oh, we go into this activity now. That's the thing is it feels like like yesterday for we had so many things we had to do and I was just exhausted by the end of the day. But there wasn't any of this like, what are we doing now? And just like the frustration of a young kid who's like bored.

And you know what I mean? Yeah, Holly was begging me to take her to the park yesterday with Gigi, cause Mike was out and I was like, you know what? Cause you know, sometimes you just want to go, let's just fucking hang out. Can we chill? Can we Netflix and chill?

Yeah, cause we're always doing something. Can we watch Conclave? It's not, I mean, we're always doing something. So it feels like, oh, when I'm alone, I'm like, I don't really want to have to go wrangle them both and go do this whole thing and carry a thousand things and whatever. But I did it. And she had a lot of fun. She's so outgoing at the park. It's like, it's so different from how I was as a kid. I would never want to talk to other kids. Have I told you the story about when I was in Arizona at my grandparents house and they said, Hey, go next door and talk to there's a kid your age. Go talk to them.

That's horrible. And so I didn't want to do it. I would have hated that. And I let everyone know I didn't want to do it. Yeah. And I was I wouldn't want to do it, I had to have been, I'd say six or seven. And so I, they said, okay, go have fun. And I left the house and I went into the side yard and I played by myself for an hour. And then I went back into the house and they said, how was it? Was it fun? I went, yeah, it was great. And it never came up again. Like they must've either, two things had to have happened. Either they just assumed it was great and never brought it up to the next door neighbor.

Or they went to the next door neighbor and said, so how was the play date? And they said, no one ever showed up. What are you talking about? And then they- That would be really funny to find out. Mercifully demented old fool. Yeah.

Now did you hear your grandparents having a lot of sex? When you were gone? Go over to Planet of the Star! Go talk to that kid! Oh yeah! Bow! Bow! Bow!

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Wow. Wow. And we're back. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Were there three famous wows? There's Owen Wilson, Christopher Walken. And was there a third? I don't know if there's a third wow. I still have my dream, of course, of making a speak and spell with celebrities faces on it. Yeah. That's not you should do that. But they say animal sounds. Okay.

Well, it's getting convoluted. Moo. Oh, that would sell. That would sell. It absolutely would sell. It absolutely. I'm doing Robert G. Yeah, I got it.

The physicality helps. No, it looked right. Yeah. That's a good idea. What do we do with this? Where's the... Bok Bok! I'm doing Robert G. The physicality helps. It looked right. That's a good idea. What do we do with this? Where does it get sold? Who is that?

Bora doing chicken. Oh. And then here, I want to try doing. Meow. Who is that? Holly Hunter. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.

Meow. This should be sold at Hot Topic or Spencer's or something. Yeah. Do they still have Spencer's? I think that is still in some places. Yeah. Man. Yeah, I had to get a new shirt that said I farted it off my other shirt. I farted off my other shirt? Excuse me, madam. what does your shirt mean?

I farted off my other shirt. I normally wear another shirt, but I farted it off. Thank you for your detailed response, madam. Somebody's wedding is coming up after I one of those boxes of pins you stick your face into. Oh my God, I used to love those. It's so germy though. Oh, I never thought about that, of course.

Yeah. Until much later. It's like, yeah, really. I guess everything in the world is germy. And you would like let it fill your whole mouth. Like as a kid. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, so it would like do your tongue. I never did that.

And then you're like, I can still feel the needles in my tongue. I can feel the needles in my tongue. Why did people have the balls that go click, click, click, click? Cause they're old. It should be executives. Is it soothing or what? What is the point? Did you get my joke?

I, cause we're old. Um, we have one of those. A Newton's cradle. Yes. I think it is supposed to be contemplative or meditative, but I was, when I was a kid, I was fascinated by that. I thought it was the coolest thing. Do they keep going, is it a perpetual motion machine

where they keep going forever? No. I don't think so. I don't think so. It stops. It eventually stops. It gives up. It gets less energy as it gets closer and closer. That is a sign of madness is if you're trying to invent a perpetual motion machine.

Because doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of madness. That's what it says in the dictionary. Yes. What is madness? Also your face is there. Huh?

Sorry, I'm sorry. Under madness? I'm so sorry to tell you. Or is it under smunks? Oh, so. We should sell a dictionary that has like celebrities' faces underneath definitions of things.

Crazy. And it's like Steve Martin. I think it should be one celebrity. Like you pick one person that is under every word. No. Or just one word or say 10 words. Say 10 words. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

He did it. What's a word here like, I couldn't believe it. I cannot believe it. What's one celebrity you want in there? We can figure out the word for them. It's like if it was shitty and then there's like a picture of Mel Gibson. Yeah, we'll tell you what,

would you buy a like, only about novelty dictionary that you would bring over to someone's house? Sold. You'd bring over and play it in someone's house. Like say this would kill. Say, say it's for Lauren, right? Oh, you're going to hide. You buy from me and you plant it in Lauren's house. And it's a normal dictionary other than the word dumb

shit has her picture in it. That's honestly extremely funny. And then like when I go to look up the word dumb shit to prove a point. Or no, you're in it. How do I spell that again? Here we go. Oh, it's me? Who did this?

Or just you're having a conversation and you're capping on her and you're like, hey, look up the word dumb shit, your picture is under there. And then you go, I'll prove it. And you grab the dictionary. This is a great practical thing. I would go like, haha. And then you're like, no, no, really look it up. I go, it's not, they don't have dumb shit in the dictionary.

I'm going, no, really? I'll do it. It'd have to be that huge dictionary. The kind that you put on a podium. Yeah. I like this joke. Oh, see. The kind that you put on a podium. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'd like this joke. Oh, shit. When you look up Domsha in the dictionary, your picture's under it. Should we look up how much dictionaries cost to make and we can do this?

Yeah, look up how much do dictionaries cost to make. I'm sure there's an answer. I'd like to make my own dictionary. I don't like the fonts available. How about how much does it cost to make. I'm sure there's an answer. I'd like to make my own dictionary. I don't like the fonts available. How about how much does it cost to print a book? I would give somebody a dictionary, and it would not have the word gullible in it. Oh, yeah.

That's a great second practical guess. Your face is under gullible in the dictionary, and then they'd go, yeah, let me prove you wrong. And then they'd be no gullible. No. You never heard this joke? Did you know the word gullible is not in the dictionary? No, did you know that the word gullible-

Did you want to know or did you want to talk over me? You say to somebody, did you know the word gullible is not in the dictionary? I got it. And then they go look and of course it is there. Well, we always said gullible is on the ceiling. That's not good. Gullible is on the ceiling? Then you look up and you get punched. What the fuck? Because you're looking for gullible because you're so stupid and gullible. No, you're looking up because you said something was on the ceiling. You're gullible. This is the Chicago version of this. This is the Chicago version of this.

This is the Chicago way. He tells you to look at the dictionary, you tell him to look at the ceiling. I think a good like novelty dictionary with like a good 10 dictionary. A good novelty dictionary. I don't, you know, people don't even look at a dictionary at all. I know, but I know that's kind of the flaw. It's got to be novelty websites now. It does have to be a novelty website that you pay to get at the top of Google.

Tell you what, you pay. Let's make hagclaims8.com. Part of it is a novelty dictionary lookup site. That's a good idea. And how it works is you leave a voicemail where you want to look up a word and then we send back a message that tells you what the definition is of the word. So we're agreed. Part of Hag Claims 8 will be a novelty dictionary lookup site. Yeah.

This is going to be a huge moneymaker. And of course, we need someone out there to build it for free. One of our best ideas was calling it Hag Claims 8. Yeah. Honestly? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Could have been anything, but it's what made that website so famous. That's how people just end up over there all the time because they're always like they type in hag claims eight.com thinking it's going to be about something else. And then they go to it and it's that.

We're getting a lot of traffic. I've been reading from hag eight claims. Hag eight claims dot. Yeah. The eighth Hag finally got dot. And she claims. I am Hag 8. Hag. Hag is a funny word.

Hag is funny. You Hag. Not that we're being called Hag these days. No. It's pretty mean. Old crone is one of my favorites. Crone is good, yeah. Yeah. You old hag.

You old hag. Did you ever like shout that at an old woman? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Well, when I'm trying to get their attention. Hey you old hag. Hey you old hag, you dropped your wallet. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Can I help you with something, you old hag? Like if someone, if I'm in an airplane, she's trying to put her bag in the overhead. Remember those old hags? Oh, here old hag, let me help you. What city were we in? I feel like it was abroad.

We had a couple of old hags who were like, couldn't put their suitcases up in the overhead compartment. Yes. And they were like bumping into everyone and then one. I think that was I think that was when we were in the UK. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it was Ireland or something. It was not Ryanair because that was a problem for everybody. Yeah. No bags were there because they made everybody check. Yes. I hate when I'm forced to check. No. No. I hate when I'm forced to check. But if you did drop your wallet and then like a young 10 year old kid was like,

Hey, you old hag, you dropped your wallet. Would you feel grateful or would you wish that? Would you prefer death upon that child? Would you have preferred that you dropped your wallet and never found it? Or would you prefer this is good? The little kid? I'll take old hag from a little kid, but I am going to say something back. Like what? You're a fucking bitch. In the old days, you

could just slap him across the face. Yeah. Cause you're an adult. Would you call me a fucking bitch? What constitutes old hag? He slaps you in the backyard. You slap him in the oscars. I think you have to be 80 and look really mean. And be wearing like a hat with flowers coming out of it. I picture an old hag as there's definitely a cloak involved. And I guess I'm picturing that witch from, uh, fucking, uh, was it Snow White? Yeah.

Classic, classic witch. Classic hag, word on the end of her nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like two teeth sticking up from the end of her nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like two teeth sticking up from the lower jaw. Yeah. Yeah. But man, she was hot when she...

Dude, when she became hot... When she became hot, I was like... It's like, badonkadonk! I'm like, so they... Yeah, I remember, she had a huge ass. They must have liked drawing her when she was hot. What if you watched Snow White and they like Spielberg, changed DT, does not have guns,

and they were all walkie talkies, just you watched it and suddenly the old woman had a huge ass. What if? Yeah, I just did watch. I guess I'd be like, huh? It was Sleeping Beauty. What does she look like in Snow White?

I'd have to look that up again. Uh. Yeah, call it up, baby. We gotta see the switch. We just watched Sleeping Beauty though, which is, I watched have to look that up. Uh, yeah, call it up, baby. We gotta see this witch. We just watched Sleeping Beauty though, which is a, I watched a lot as a kid. The original one? The old one? Yeah. I used to watch that a lot and Holly really likes it. And the, um, the fairies are just so great.

Someday my witch will come. Oh, but that's what, look up, look up, um, Maleficent, which looks a lot like that. Um, I've never seen Maleficent. From Sleeping Beauty. Malefalo. I've never seen Maleficent. From Sleeping Beauty. Malefalo. I've never seen Malefalo. Which one is Maleficent from?

Maleficent. Sleeping Beauty. From Sleeping Beauty. The fairies are fairies. You mean Angelina Jolie. That's what I'm looking for. No, yeah. Oh, she doesn't look like her, nevermind.

I did see the correction. I mean, I could have just looked up pictures of Angelina Jolie. You're right. Did we find the witch from Snow White or not? It's, yes, you already showed me that. I showed it to Lauren and she said no, don't show me that. She has like a sort of a black... No, don't show me that. She has like a black... I mean, that's a good witch.

...fabric and then like a crown. Whereas Maleficent has like horns and like blue skin and like... She also has gray rings around her entire eye. Hmm. Let me see that. I love videos... When she's evil. When she's evil. Yeah. Okay. Let's see her hot. Or when she's not hot. I love videos when she's evil. When she's evil. Yeah. Okay. Let's see her when she's not hot. You're looking at her hot in the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's her. She's got a and I love when little kids at Disneyland like her. I love when I love

encountering the mean characters at Disneyland. They're very love them. And they're fun. Yeah. They're having a good. And they're fun. Yeah, they're having a good time. Halloween costume version. Now that's a good costume. Except you do a, That's a good costume. You do a crouched over.

Yeah. Uh, yeah. Not it. Yeah. Here's another Halloween costume of the hot. I guess it's a hot version, but still the old lady costume. It's not like,

It's a sexy version of the old hag. Just that she's got like- Cause I guess it's a hot woman. Okay, you guess or you think that she's hot? I'm guessing, I'm just guessing at this right now. I'm guessing she's hot. I guess she's hot. I'm looking at a picture of her and I guess she's hot.

If I had to guess. She honestly, with that expression, she kind of looks like Jess Jarden. Let me see. Oh yeah, she does. Like Jess having a ball, being a witch. Yeah. Honestly, if I saw Jess dressed like this, I wouldn't be surprised.

Carrying a basket of apples. That'd be a good costume for her. She loves fruit. She does love fruit. I sent her two fruit things yesterday that I thought she was gonna like. I don't think she was responding. Were they fruits? Oh shit.

One of them was a kit you can buy. This is a friend of ours who loves fruit and loves to dress up like the old witch from Snow White. She loves it. And she gives fruit themed gifts. All the baby gifts I've gotten from her have been fruit themed. Oh really? Yes, very sweet.

But she, there was a company that does a thing where you can paint like ceramic fruit as like a kit. It looks really cute. And then there were these cherry slippers from Target that I was like, she's gotta have these. These are gonna look good with one of those big fruit dresses she has. I'm like, this is a good look.

Yeah, those have to go immediately over to her. You need that. She's fun. She's a fun lady. She's really fun. She dyes her hair crazy colors. She's a blast. She's just here to have a good time, man.

I agree. I love Jess. Love Jess. She's like, you're listening, I don't know why. Jess, if you're listening, this must be the first time. Jess, if you're listening, turn this off. She's like one of those- It's not gonna get better for you than this.

Eccentric old ladies from like town, like the purple lady from where I used to go to school. Yes, but she's like a hot young woman. But she's hot and young. She's like an old crone or a hag, but she's young and hot. Yeah, she's killing it. She's like an old crone or a hag, but she's young and hot. Yeah, she's killing it. She's killing it. It is funny when you see,

you can sort of see into people's futures and see what they will be like as old people. Coogee. I, you know, Vanessa Ragland's little girl, Francie, who is such a fucking character. But when she was a little fat baby and they put those turbans on her, and I just saw her as like she would be an older lady that lived on your street. She would look like that. And then, you know, she would always want

to talk to you and she would tell you like a wild story and it would like make you late for something, but you wouldn't mind Yeah, you know you would love running into her. Yeah, she has an adorable family. She really does. Yeah, they're striking family Yeah, must be nice Her husband makes these videos. Oh my god Every year on their kids birthday home video like their year Yeah, which is like just a compilation of all the moments in the year. And it's moving, it's heartbreaking.

It's everything. You see tears, you see joy, you see jumping off a pier. The Pleasure Clydesdales. Kneeling. And the twins. Just everything. And it was a tweet once. Oh, thank God.

This guy said the baddest my uncle ever got, so like, the baddest my uncle ever got was when they had that commercial of the Clydesdales kneeling. And I said, they're praying to Mecca. All right. And he got so mad, he had to go out in the yard. That's insane.

By the way, this plush toy of the witch is bad, right? We don't need the toy of that. It doesn't even look like her. But you know, you just... Don't make her nice. She's not a toy. She sucks. Who wants to snuggle with that?

By the way, she's got too many teeth. She poisons people. Snow White, which has famously one snagged tooth. Snow White, which has one tooth? She's got too many teeth. She's smiling. She's five, she has one tooth. Snow White, which has one tooth. She's got too many teeth. She's smiling. She's holding an apple, sure.

I'll give her that. Holding an apple more like taking an apple, you old crone. Old hag. You old fucking hag. You old hag. Let's get back in. Why don't you go claim eight, you old hag. If someone said that to you on the street. Then I would say you're a piss pig.

But piss pig, please don't call me an old hag. It's a good covert insult. Why don't you go claim eight? And then you go, what? What did they just say? Why did they say that? You heard me. Oh, yeah.

You'll figure it out. Why don't you Google why a hag claims eight? Go ahead and claim eight. You'll figure it out. Find out who claims eight. And you'll why a hag claims eight? Go ahead claims eight. You'll figure it out. Find out who claims eight and you'll see a picture there. And it comes back to being a dictionary lookup site. That's right. Novelty dictionary lookup site.

All right. Tell you what, let's take a break. I can't tell you what. I'm Hasan Minhaj and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous. Parenting expert Dr. Becky, how do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath? That's a good question. Listen to Hussam Minhaj Doesn't Know from Lemonada Media,

wherever you get your podcasts. Personal finance isn't just about spreadsheets and investing. It's emotional. Talking to your partner about money, negotiating a raise, even the smallest decisions, like splitting a bill, can bring up feelings of shame or anxiety. I'm Rima Chavez, host of This Is Uncomfortable, a podcast from Marketplace about life and how money messes with it. In this season, we get into topics like workplace drama, tough financial trade-offs, and the quiet tension that builds when love and finances collide. Listen to This Is Uncomfortable wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey Paul, what's a game? It's a three-tr and here we go. You get right to the point these days, yeah, I mean Why are we pretending we all know what it is? No, we're all adults here three chairs a game you like to play My games are they look at my list of games This is a game submitted by Emma Bradshaw one of the rare three treasurer submitters. We have been in person Oh, where did we meet Emma after a comedy bang bang show? When the tour I can't remember what city and what did how how would the meeting go?

The meeting went like this You're doing part of it wrong And we had a video where we did it the right way. Oh, okay. Enough with the covert leanings. Huh? Bad rap is the name of the game. Thank you.

Bad rap. Bad rap. Bad rap. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. To play. You all clap on a beat and chant, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. To play. You all clap on a beat and chant bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Now, to be fair. Oh, the rhythm was wrong.

That's right. She told us what the rhythm was. Yes, yes, yes. But all she gave us to go on was a beat. So we did the best we could, Emma. We did the best we could. And honestly, what we did sucked. And someone says a line. What was the rhythm was wrong?

Yeah. And then she demonstrated the rhythm and for the life of me I cannot remember. This is how I think goes bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. And what do you think it sounds hard? Well, I think I think that put it out of my mind. Bad rap, bad rap. Everybody's talking about bad rap. Everybody. It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. Let's do a rep. It truly doesn't matter.

So Emma, despite your best efforts, we're gonna do it our own way. What you have to do- But you're a nice person and it was a pleasure to meet you. Come by to our house every day and the house we share, of course. Yeah, we live in one big house.

Three front doors. We always open them whenever one gets a knock, we open all three and go, hello. Hello. Ding dong. Hello. Hello. Mrs. Downfire style, we've put our faces in pies.

Run by fruiting. Run by fruiting. Oh, I always get it wrong. Oh, it should be drive by. Of course it should be. Of course it should be. It's probably something- That's why we all make that correction in our heads.

It's probably something he riffed on the day and everyone was like, that's genius. And they just were like, it's good enough. And now it's part of cinema history. And I bet even he wished he could change it to drive by free. I think he probably wished that a lot. Probably one of his dying thoughts.

I wish I could go back. We have to go back. And I think I texted you guys, I believe I texted you guys that I was watching a movie. I can't remember. Oh, Holland is the name of the movie. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And Nicole Kidman film, and in it, she watches a little bit of Mrs. Doubtfire, and it's the most Mrs. Doubtfire I've ever seen. That's right. That was, by the way, one of the movies that made me think of Scott Hasn't Seen, because I watched it right before we started that show. And I was like, just to watch it during COVID, I think.

And I was like, man, isn't it weird? I haven't seen this. And- Mrs. Doubtfire? Yeah. It's one of the movies that made him want to get into cinema. Yeah. In 20-

I was like, what are these moving images? How do they move? How many are there per second? Do you think that Martin Scorsese considers that cinema? I bet he does. Why isn't it? Well, because he thinks the Marvel movies are not cinema. So is Mrs. Dalfrines animal?

What crosses over into soul plane? Is that cinema? Yes. I wonder. I'm not asking you. I'm asking Martin Scorsese. I'm being him. Oh, good impression. He's famously taciturn. Yep. Yes.

Bad rap submitted by Emma Bradshaw. To play you all clap on a beat and chant bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Then someone says a line. Then you chant bad rap, bad rap, bad rap again. And then the next person says another line. It seems like it's going to rhyme with the last line, but doesn't at the last minute. Right.

For example. Each line generally takes up two claps. Here's a basic example to hopefully make it make more sense. All bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Lauren, my favorite shirt is blue and red. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Me, a great movie is Bill and Steve. rap bad rap bad rap me a great movie is Bill and Steve

Bad rap bad rap bad rap. I got that pumpkin pie is a tasty treat bad rap bad rap bad rap Lauren I am sitting in a chair Yeah, yeah, we all get a good in seat. I mean you are sitting in a chair so that I didn't really say that No, you're taking to literally But it's not something I do you guys want to go see Bill and Steve tonight? Well, it's Adam and Steve, not Adam and Ted. Bad rap. How do you want to do it?

Bad rap. I can't remember. I think it's bad rap. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Bad rap. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Then I went to the pet store and bought a dog. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I like to eat at a big table. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. My favorite book is Aesop Stories. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

I'm gonna go see that great movie Adam and Steve. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. It'll be so good I can't even credit it. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. It'll be so good, I can't even credit it. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I wanna go on a ride in my car. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I think I'm gonna travel pretty close to my house. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

I forgot about your style of rapping. I think it's a fun style. It is a fun I think it's a fun style. It is a fun style. It is a fun style. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Every day I take the train. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. When I hurt my leg, I'm in agony.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. It's pretty hot. I'm gonna jump in the pool. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I'll do a cannonball and look like a pool. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I'll do a cannonball and look like a jerk. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. When I'm hungry I chew some gum. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

You know what, it turns out it's pretty enjoyable. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Every window is made of glass. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. When I take a big shit it comes out of my butt. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. When I take a big shit, it comes out of my butt. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. That's right, she said she takes a big shit. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

And then she gets punched in the nose. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I want to fix my carburetor. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. This is fun and, oh, Jesus. Oh. I was trying to do greater but then I was like what ran or what's the synonym for greater? I was thinking later. Oh later would have been good. That was good. That was good. Don't feel bad about it. That was pretty good. Fun to do and listen to. I like to bad rap. It was good. Okay. Yeah. Do we do another one? Yeah. Let's go the other way.

Oh, the other way. Counterclockwise. Switch it up. All right, since I messed up, I'll start. Thank you. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Hey, everybody, there's a knock on the door. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

I count one, two, three, and five. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Put count one, two, three, and five. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Put your hands up, I'm pointing a gun. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I've said it before, but it's pretty enjoyable. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I like to play music on my flute. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

And give me that money, that's what I call cash. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. And give me that money, that's what I call cash. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Hey, Santa's coming down the chimney. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I fell and I sprained my little toe. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Everybody likes to have some fun. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

Hey, you mugger, I'm gonna pull out a knife. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Look over there, it's a bright blue ball. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. When I go shopping, I go to the center. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I'm gonna buy a present for my little boy. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.

I think I want something that'll bring him happiness. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Look over there, it's Superman. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. No, it's just Andy Warhol who painted a picture of Marilyn Monroe. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Suit Ken. Yeah, I got it.

Paints with all the colors. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Suit can. Yeah, I got it. I paint with all the colors. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I had all my teeth taken out. Not my back ones. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. When I go to the dentist, he looks at my teeth. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. And I take out my knife right out of its holder.

Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I can be as tall as a kite. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I can be as tall as a kite. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. I have a lot of strength and I have a lot of stamina. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Watch me run, I go so fast. Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap. Things have, things have, things have, things have, things have, things have, things have,

things have, things have, things have, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, things up, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, bing-tap, b If you were like thinking you're finally fluent in a language, let's play that game because that's a game where you have to like rhyme and synonyms. That'd be really hard. Yeah. Well, we want to thank Emma for that game. Thank you, Emma.

Thank you. Thank you. Okay, I'll say it too. Thank you. I think that brings us to the end of this. Yeah, it does. It sure does. If you'd like to hear ad free versions of the show, why don't you go to

Lemonada Premium or comedybangbang.com? If you'd like to write to us, write to us at freedomusa gmail.com. If you'd like to follow us on socials, freedomusa everywhere we are. And of course, if you want to call us, go to that famous, uh, novelty dictionary lookup site. Hagclains8.com. It's the only place where you can say like, hey look up dumb shit in the dictionary, online dictionary, and it'll take you right there.

We should set it up so that whoever looks it up, it's their picture. I don't know how to do that, but there's gotta be. Well, you'll have to let it have access to your computer camera. I will let it do that. It's a mirror that pops up, but really it's your camera that opens and it's you.

And it'll say, do you wanna give Had Claims 8 access to your phone and your camera? Do you wanna look up the definition for stupidity and then it just opens your camera and then it's you. Yeah, and your credit card gets charged. Yeah, obviously. For a thousand. Yeah, for a thousand, Yeah, for a thousand. That's cheap.

What day is it? For a joke like this? June... 12th, I believe. Whoa. Really? Yeah. Okay. To pick up the phone. Well, then let me tell you, I'm done with my tour.

You're done. You're back. There's a couple of coming up though that are... Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sly dates? More on that as the situation develops. More on what? Look it up.

Oh, we gotta put more on it, guys. We gotta put more on it. Yeah, it's June and I don't know, you can still read Astonishing Spider-Man on the Marvel Unlimited app I mean, yeah, okay, you can read all past issues and all future issues. You can still read fucking Moby Dick if you want. Yeah, it's still out there. Call me Ahab. Why don't you? Is that the first time? Call me Ahab. Call me Ishmael. Oh right. He tells the story of Ahab. So why- it's a Van Morrison song. Let's do a Twilight style book where it's from Ahab's point, he called me Ishmael. Oh, right. He tells the story of Ahab. So why-

It's a Van Morrison song. Let's do a Twilight-style book where it's from Ahab's point of view, and he goes, hey, call me Ahab. Love it. Love it. Yes. Yes.

What if it's- Without a doubt, yes. Call him Ishmael. Okay, call him Ishmael. It's the same exact- Me? He just tells him the same- Abba-ha. He just tells him the same way. The same story.

All right, that's it. Goodbye. Bye. Parents, we know the childcare crisis is not just another headline. It's a daily struggle playing out in millions of homes across this country. I'm Gloria Riviera, and this is No One Is Coming to Save Us.

This season, we're demanding a childcare system that actually works for kids, parents, and educators. We mean, pre-birth to five, full day, nearby, easy to apply. No One Is Coming to Save Us, season five from Lemonado Media, out now.