Threedom - Threevisiting: Bubble Disease

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

Threevisiting on the Tues: Lauren, Paul and Scott discuss hand injuries, making friends on the internet, and play a new Threeture: Quip It Good. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It's morning in New York. Oh, God. Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin. And I'm Catherine Grady. And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us. Many of you've asked for our advice. Tell me, what is wrong with you people?

Don't listen to us. Our Take It or Leave It Advice show is out every Wednesday, premiering October 15th, a Lemonada Media Original. Three-up! Freedom! Oh, oh, ma-a-ma-ma-ma-ma-m-mo. Wow, it's the show. Lawrence is bopping her head because presumably you don't know the time.

You know the words to Papa U-Mau-M-M-M-A-M-M-M-A? I actually do know the words. I was letting you guys have that one. Because you seem so excited to sing together. It's been so long. We never sung that song together before. Oh, my God. This is a first.

That's not possible. That's un-possible. It's not possible. I'm not fucking dull. The non-possible burger. You are really defensive right now. I was just adding to what you said. Now, why do you have these records all flip the other way?

Now, why? We are, by the way, you're welcome to freedom. I'm Scott. I'm Lauren. I'm Scott and Lauren. And we're in Scott. home office and he has the Earwolf table here. Do you want to talk about that?

Yes, this is the first time anyone knows, but we moved all of the recording equipment. This is the first time anyone knows. I didn't even know it. But they know it is now. The people listening were the first to know out of any of them. Yeah, well, yeah.

It's amazing. They told me. But we moved the stuff into here and B-B-B-D-B-B-B-B. And it's so amazing. So we have the table with all the writing. And Paul immediately has headphone problems.

That all these people sign the table. I like to use my own headphones, but it doesn't seem to work out ever. Ever. I don't know why that is. I think you have to let it go and you have to never do that again. Let it go. I guess I do, but I don't, I liked having my own headphones. Are they too quiet?

Yeah, they're too quiet. Now, this is fine. This is all right, weird. This is fine. Dog sitting in a burning house. These are, these are coasters that someone made me. So yeah, they say with a little mini records. Basically like CD or record.

backings. But you had them upside down. The cork was on top. And I was wondering why you were hiding that you love you too. Don't you want the cork on the top as to put your, and by the way, neither of you are using them. My bottle has rubber and this is a piece of shit. Your bottle has glue.

But we all know this table can take whatever I want to put on it. You know what I'm saying? It can take a beating. Why start putting coasters on this table now? Why are we respecting the table? I'm sorry. Why are we doing that? And why isn't this part connected to this part?

I know this is interesting for all the listening. Shut the fuck out. Hear the word of the Lord. But I, and this is, this is, you know, the territory of why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box. But why don't they make any table or dresser or whatever out of a coaster? Yeah. I mean, this is like, I think something that has been said in, you know, premium blends for years. Like the TV show?

Yeah. Premium blend. Premium's blend. Wow. I remember I did premium blend. Tell me about your premium blend. It was a, the set was like a post-apocalyptic sort of thing.

I remember there was a big tire. That's always funny. Yeah, there was like neon signs that were askew. Oh, comedy. I love it. And what do you remember your material? Will you do it right now? I think I did.

Please do 10 minutes right now. I think I did the daylight savings time bit. I think I did that for sure. Yeah, what was that again? Oh, my hand injury, which I will tell you about, slapped into the table and it hurts so fucking. Okay, tell us about the hand injury because I want to hear about this day like saving sped by, I'd rather.

Let's get the hand injury out of the way. Because you just slapped your... That hurts so bad. I don't even know what just happened. Do you need me to pee on it? Yeah. I was going to ask you that before I heard it. But what happened was, and I do want to hear about Paul's Premium blood,

And, of course, we'll circle back. I think I told you everything. Of course we'll circle back. You need to know. I want to know more. I have questions. But, okay, so the other night on Wednesday, I was washing a very fancy knife that we recently acquired. We got a whole new knife sets.

I'll never wash your knives. I know. We got a new knife set like a month ago. Not washing their knives anymore. And there are these like nice Japanese knives. Or their children's knives. The whole thing has been wash it right after you use it because. You can't put them in the dishwasher.

Blah, blah, blah. And we, and I did have a knife. set of knives that started making their way into the dishwasher and so that's why we're here okay that's why we have the oh so what exactly what so as someone who because i've never been allowed to put the knives in the dishwasher yeah and i never allowed mike to do it but then they started getting in there so then so then so then i want to know the consequences they started to get a little rusted and less smooth i mean less you know sharp yeah um which of course is good to know fixed but whatever so we got these new knives well the knife man comes yeah knives knives too gruff

There was a guy like that in my town. Yeah, what is this from again? Oliver. Oh, right. Ripe, strawberries, ripe. It can't believe now. So it's either knives or strawberries. I can't believe how much that was there.

This wonderful morning. So what happened was I was washing. Okay, Fat Holly dinner. She's in her high chair. We're just sitting in the kitchen talking and I'm washing my knife. Mike's in the room. Mike's in the room. Okay, this is good intel.

I wash you my knife and then it, I don't know what happened. I think it flipped onto my hand. It was so sudden, and it didn't even hurt. It was just blood everywhere. I was like, blood, blood, blood. Oh my God. And then like he got up and like was he, he, I will say he was extremely fast at helping me. He got a first aid kit.

He first had me grab a paper towel. We do want to have one in the kitchen. He, but I wasn't thinking of it. I put a paper towel on it. Then he, he got the first aid kit and basically took my hand. I almost passed out. I sat down. And he's pushing it together, wrapping it, all this stuff.

Holly's looking at us, like, kind of scared because I'm like, I'm, like, in shock. Not helping. Yeah. Yeah. And then we called two people who couldn't come help and that they didn't answer their phone. And we called Mary and my friend Laura to watch Holly so we could leave. Right, right. And then we all just got in the car and went to urgent care, which I'm really glad we did because we got.

Holly loved it. She actually was a, she had a great time. I could hear her laughing from the room that I was in. I was having a lot of fun. But we got there and... And did they say if you had been 60 seconds later, you would have lost your hand? Well, can I say?

Actually, it sounds a little extreme, but my finger was blue. And then they were like, it's tied too tight, which we, of course, they always say, do it so tight. I mean, it didn't strike me as,

but then they were concerned. She literally was like, if you left it, I mean, I don't know how long it would have to be, but she was like, if you left it like this, you could have lost your finger.

Oh. And like, maybe if I wasn't smart enough to go to the urgent care, I would have gone to sleep or so. You know, know. But I was really terrified of that. So that's a good tip for anyone out there. Don't go too tight. But I thought he was doing the right. I mean, we both felt very confident that like it was the proper. It's supposed to cut off the circulation. Yeah. Yeah. And it was bleeding so much and it was so

it was so crazy. So it made sense. But anyway, it was too tight. Which finger? My index finger is right here. If it had been your thumb, you have a major artery in your thumb. Is that true? No. Anyway, so I didn't ever look at it. And the woman, doctor came in and doctor was a woman. What? It was the most shocking part of this story. So she could operate on you because you're not related. Exactly.

And she stitched it up. I got three stitches. And I could feel it at a certain point that lytocaine was wearing off in one part of my hand. And I was like, ow. And she was like, oh, you feel that? And I was like, yeah. And then she tried giving me another shot. And then I still felt it.

But I will say, having your whole vagina sewn up does put things in respect. An abrupt subject change. And you had that. as to not have any more children. I want it. Mike wanted to get tighter. And he gets what he wants. The daddy's,

oh my God. Now what's your other injury on your other finger? No, this is that. Wait, I saw the stitches, though. No, you saw them on this hand. I just was holding it like this. It's under here. I just put this band-aid on.

Oh, you just put a band-aid on. Well, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. I hurt so fucking bad. Do you need something? No, I'm fine. But I have hit it against things, And I'm like, I'm going to count.

It's such a specific thing. It's so crazy. When you hit a cut. Yes. Well, especially when like it's one of your extremities and you realize what a gangly weirdo you are. Exactly. I don't have no sense of my body.

But no, I mean, I feel that's the way. I feel like with my, you know, it's just like constantly hitting. I know. You don't realize. How often you would be doing that. I hit my hands a lot. I always have cuts and scrapes on my hands. And I don't know where they come from.

I'm sure you don't. I have bruises everywhere. I don't know where they come from. But anyhow, How, I'm getting the stitches removed. Because I want to win ferret. That you're a murderer. So I'm getting the stitches removed on Thursday.

And then Mike was like, I'll be careful after you get the stitches removed because it can reopen if you like make a fist too tight or do something. Because he had a cut in his hand that reopened and he had to get stitches again. So he's saying don't make a fist and try to punch me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm like, I can't let this. I don't want it to pop open. No, of course not. Oh my God.

He said it was really deep and crazy and he could see a lot of stuff in there. He could see stuff in there. He could see stuff in there. Could you see stuff? Did you look? I never looked. I can't look. And I was like really wanting to look when they were doing the stitches.

I just, I didn't look. He saw fat? You have the fattest hands. I know. There's, they're really. But now your hand is so skinny. So that's how you do it? I just cut it open.

I lost it blood. Yeah. Your hands are too skinny. I'm worried about you. Yeah, I know. I'm trying to think of the deepest cut I ever had. The first thing it comes to mind is when I was a bachelor and I was trying to assemble some ikea furniture and uh i had to put the wooden those little wooden dowels with the wooden

dowel in the basket or else i got the hose again and what does he want with the dowels as i always had to do i had to start all over again at some point yes of course because you got one thing back yes exactly so um i was trying to get this dowel out of the little hole a little peg out of the hole and uh what's the best what's the best tool for that pliers probably swiss army knife so i am I am taking it out with the Swiss Army knife. And I don't know, I can't remember how this happened, but the Swiss Army knife closed on my finger. And so I saw it in my finger.

Oh, no. And I just stared at it for like a full beat like, mm. That's not good. Pulled it out, tons of blood. I didn't have anything to deal with this. I think I just put paper towels around. And you didn't go to the hospital? or anything like that?

No. Oh. Paper towels and scotch tape. Do you have a scar? I did for the longest time. I was just looking now. It finally went away. Wow.

It finally went away. I was looking for my, here's, this is mine. I don't know if you can see it. On my finger, on my pointer finger, this is. Why don't you have any fingerprints? You're a weird man.

Well, I filed them off. But I was, I think I was, this is when I was in theater school. I was at, like, one of the tech guys' houses, playing poker, as I recall. and he had these homemade metal stools that he had made homemade yeah he had made them he was like yeah i made i made these sounds jagged and that's what he sounded like i no thank you uh i made these that's a direct quote he had long hair this is 1990 i think so he had like sort of long hair i know exactly

who you're talking about i know that guy so i i was like on perched on the stool and i had my my fingers wrapped underneath them like this yeah because you're trying to like last off. You were holding on because you were scared of falling off. He was like, here I go. Oh, no. I was just balancing myself. And then I started to fall.

No. And I, I jerked my hand up and it totally opened my finger. Oh my God. And so that was. Did he say, I tried to warn you. I made these. That's horrible. Yeah.

That was a bad one. Oh, so bad. Why your sweatshirt says 24 It says A20 I don't know what I have to do with the production company Because I know A24 is a production company Because I know A24 is a production company It says company they make like movies and stuff

It's Jack Bauer He 24 big hit It should say 24 big hit We should oh we should do parodies of these Yeah because everyone will get that Yep yes And then When A24 gives them out for Christmas

We also give them to A24 To the same people Yes Let's spend all of our own money doing that. Absolutely. I'm in. I think the trickiest part is getting 824 to share their contact list with us. But how hard could it be?

Well, I also would love for them to send us the design before they send it out so that we can have our starting to go. Listen, we're doing parody shirts of your shirts. So please let us know in advance so we can release them at the same time. I am now realizing this is two years old and I was not on the list this year. Oh. I wonder. Do you remember that list? I don't know if you guys were on this where we talked about this.

Shindlers? Yeah. It was life. Yeah. It was life. If only he had sold his gold watch. I've actually never seen that film, but I don't know what it's about, JK. But I haven't ever seen it.

Okay, wait, there was a list from, what's that company, Josh? Mm-hmm. A couple years ago. The email. The email list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a mass email, but they didn't be. And it was about, like, the holiday gift or something.

I kind of remember this. And then everyone was, like, doing bits for four years. For four years. And then certain people. People got really upset saying, I cannot be on this list anymore. This is it. Like, imagine actually getting really mad about it. Yeah.

There's so many, it's so, that happened to Janie, too. I remember when that happened. And then that happened to Janie too where somebody did it. Oh, we've talked about it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then there were two. Oh, oh, we've talked about this.

I'm going to spake myself. The first time that realization has happened at the show. Oh, my God. One time we talked about the same thing twice. I swear we might have talked about the injuries, do our fingers too. Well, I never talked about this one because I just got it. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. And we got to chime in with ours. Any new story is a gateway into old story. It's true. How else we're going to keep the conversation going? Right. Plus, we didn't remember each other's stories. Join the conversation.

We'd like to hear from you. We're doing a talk back after the podcast where we talk about the episode and you guys can view that on YouTube.com. Oh, speaking of the internet. Oh, wow. What a still off Twitter and really? Oh, my gosh. I'm not on it at all.

I don't miss it at all. And I'm so thrilled. It feels great. It feels good. Feels great. You're never going to win that way. I don't need to win that. I knew I was going to win.

Yeah. Remember when you could win the internet? Yeah. Well, someone wins it every day. Someone's crowned king and queen. Are you going to read Harry's book? Potter? Prince.

Prince? Harry Prince? Harry Prince. It's so funny that his name is Harry and he's losing his hair. But barely. Is it so funny? It's so funny to me. Anytime he says, hi, I'm Harry, I look at the back of his head and I'm like, ah, I'm so funny.

I used to be crazy. He's releasing lots of details on the internet one by one. A lot of backlash against him. I don't care anymore. I don't care about him. I don't care about caring about it. I don't care in a way that's good in that I'll read the book now and I won't really care. I know Jane will read it.

she likes biographies. You know, you know what? I also enjoy. Chelsea DeVantas has a podcast called Celebrity Book Club. That is all celebrity memoirs. It's kind of great because I like celebrity memoirs, but I don't always want to read them. And it's like you just get it distilled and it's really fun. I like John Housman's.

And I like Charles Grotens. Who's John Housman? I didn't know. John Housman had an autobiography. He has three, I believe. And the first one is the one that I really love where he just goes into detail about all of his Orson Well stuff. Yeah.

It's just like all about that. But John Housman was, he was. He was, he created Juilliard, or not created, but I think he was one of the first teachers there, possibly. And then he worked with Orson Wells in the theater. And then he laid in life, he was an actor on a show called The Paper Chase. And he also had a very famous. Based on the movie. Based on the movie and a very serious, not serious, but a very famous bit of commercials where he was like, they earn it.

Smith Barney. Yeah. Is that what it was? They make money the old fashion way. They earn it. I think you should explain who Charles Grodden is because I know who that is, but I felt like I made you do a whole explanation on that other guy, and then other people might have been, oh, but who's Charles Grodden?

Charles Grodden is an actor. People would know him from Midnight Run. In the Beethoven films, Clifford is, which I just saw the other night. Classic. The Heartbreak Kid, the original. You had never seen Clifford? No, it's one of my favorites. I saw it opening weekend.

But Martin Short was there. and did it talk about what it was like a this week there was a thing like that it was like two weeks ago today it was right before christmas you woke up at 8 a.m. and went to that it's happened an hour ago wait you just saw martin short wait you're there right now behind the door I wish he's in the fireplace I wish you would roll out of it like jimmy glick

wait jimny glick rolled out of it no but it'd be funny if you did yeah yeah yeah I wish you would do this like this that Marcher, nice to meet you. What if Jiminy Gleck went down a slide? That would be fucking good. It would be great. He should. He should go play at a park with a kid.

There was, I've told you about this guy before. There was a local TV host named Captain Noah in Philadelphia. And his, Captain Owen and his magical art. Captain Noah. I mean, that seems like it's already said. Like, we know he's the captain. It's like none of the zebras are looking him saying, I'm the captain. He wasn't that Noah.

Oh. He wasn't that Noah. And you know what? No one called that Noah captain, which is a real slap in the face. That's what I mean. Because they're like, oh, you're the guy that built the boat. He's like, no, I'm also the captain. He didn't train, okay.

No, but a parrot looked at him and said, look at me, I'm the captain now. I just made that joke. So, what? I just made that joke. What joke? Never mind. I'm the captain now? Yeah, I know.

But it was funnier when he said it. We can all make the same joke over and over again. Okay, but you said it with it. And then you satisfiedly smiled. Did you say the parrot part? Yeah. No, I said a zebra did it. Like literally 60 seconds before you said.

I heard zebra. I wasn't listening. Okay. Wait. Wait, so you were on the boat and you were having this fight. That's my tune out. Any time I say zebra? You guys were battling back and forth and then a horse came over and said, I'm the captain now.

What if there was a word? And if he said it would cause you to, somebody said it would cause you to sit. It just caught you powered out. Zebra, boom. No, like, I'm sure that there's a hypnotist. Trigger word. Oh, you are. Have you ever seen an actual hypnotist?

I tried to get hypnotized once. To do what? well on in a show shut the fuck and it didn't take no in a you know I used to go for Halloween haunt at Knott's Berry Farm they had a hypnotist show and they would take volunteers and it was this guy who would

get people to do like act like a chicken run around the theater and all that kind of stuff would he actually do act like a chicken yeah he would do act like you know because it's a classic and you got to do it it was like every I know what you people want Jenny Jones situation but why were they was doing that

so then so then And I went on stage and I was like, he's like, you're, you know, he puts you in a trant. You're just closing your eyes. And then. But you were in a trance. I don't know. I just was acting like it because I was like, let me go along with this. And then he's like, your arms are as light as balloons.

And, you know, you just sort of raise your arms or whatever. And then he goes around and taps people on the shoulder who are going to participate in the show. And I didn't get tapped. So he must have known that I wasn't. Or they're all plants and he was tapping out the. people more yeah yeah i don't know i saw one once at a comedy club and it was you know it's the the thing is you're always thinking is this real or not yeah it's not entertaining because it's just like is this just fucking well also also if if you've been pretending like i was to be hypnotized

just hoping to get picked or hoping it stuck or whatever and they say act like a chicken don't you just like go along with it because you're embarrassed you know at that point but some people would be like so embarrassed to do that that they wouldn't do it. No, thank you. You will never catch me acting like a chicken. I actually don't do that because I eat Gray Poupon. You earn it. All right, we have to take a break.

We'll be right back to. Bye. Yep. Seam quick. Pop quiz, Hot Shot. You know how some things are just better together? Peanut butter and chocolate. Beyonce and Jay-Z.

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I want to get back to Premium Blend. So these are music themed. And we will get back to Premium Bank. Don't you work? I don't know. I apologize. I can't remember who sent them to me years and years ago. Yeah.

But if they're listening, thank you. Some fool. Thank you for them. There's a rattling and hum one. This is Billy Joel's the Strangler. Do you think that anyone made coasters featuring the coasters? I don't think so. that would be so disrespectful to them.

I think someone should do it now. By the way, we're, okay, so here's a question. And also, yeah, why are they called the coasters? That's what I mean. Are they the roller coasters or are they the coasters you put a glass on? It's less cool if they're the coasters you put a glass. Are they just people that live on a coast? I think they're people who coasts through life.

That's less cool to me too. No, I think it makes more sense than being roller coasters or drink coasters. I think that I think they must be the coasters like the like the, the, the, the, the Let's look them up. What do you say? Sure. I have nothing else to fucking do. Yeah, I don't care.

I don't care at all. Because it's got to say. I don't care. I may have done premium blend twice. You know what? I bet you did and I bet I saw it. I'm not sure. I used to watch it all the free time.

Okay. I did to remember the A list? Oh, wait. What's that? That was where like before they were doing those comedy half hours. That was like long, it was still a bunch of comedians, but it would be longer sets, I think. Uh-huh. It would be like three comedians instead of six or something like that.

Like imagine a tiny penis and then imagine a big penis. I can't. And they're friends. Yeah. I can't even. By the way, it's none of the ones that we're not so different. It's none of the above. Is it the ones that help you move heavy furniture?

Okay, wait, then let me guess. Yeah. It's. It's. Oh, no, you can't do it. It's got nothing. You got nothing. Yeah.

They were dubbed the coast. because they went from the West Coast to the East Coast. Didn't you say? I did say something about the coast. Did you say zebra and I tuned down? Yeah. What did you say? Zuzzi.

Zzzi. Zezu Zee. He does Zuzzi Zezza Zee. Sibbidabab. Skibbibabab. What's the Kim Ketro? Oh, my God. Skiba-dubidabab.

I like to play Bhabababababababit. I like to play a Bhabitabababodati. And when you scuba-di-D and you scooby-paw, nobody knows scuba-de-wow. Why didn't you do that for your characters? I should have done that. Oh, I would have filmed the whole thing. That would be so funny. All right, Paul, why are you on your phone?

I'm looking to see how many times I did premium blend. And I think I only did it once. No. I found a database of my stand-up performances. How did you get asked to do it and how much pay did you receive? $500? Like, was it like that kind of thing? like it was just like some yeah it's like kind of good hope to get some exposure maybe you'll

get out on a late night i don't remember the answer to either of those questions was it did it feel do you remember if it felt special like you were like oh my god yes yeah it did to be doing on tv absolutely yeah yes yeah i mean at that point i'd already i'd been doing mr show uh-huh um i think i was i was i had left the show by that point um and i'd done like conan and stuff So, but it was like any, I, I was excited to do any stand-up on TV. Yeah. What was the, for example, late Friday. I did a bunch of episodes of that.

What was, what? What was the, what was the show Janine hosted? Oh, shit, what was the name of that? It was. God. It was like. It's not even in this list. Out of bound.

I don't know. Out of bounds. It couldn't have been that. But that was the one that I was really bummed. that I didn't get to do. Because I got to, I started doing comedy six months too late. Let me see what the name of that show was.

I forgot about that show. So sorry. Yeah. I think everything would have been different. It was literally every single other person in the alternative comedy scene got to do. Were you, did you do it?

You must have. I remember being there, but I don't remember performing. Really? Isn't that funny? Isn't that funny? Isn't that funny? Isn't that funny?

It is. Fuck. Anyway. What? Lauren? Tell us. What's going on? How was everyone's holiday?

My holiday was good. Wow. I know it feels like a long time ago, but I'm, oh, did I tap it as something really personal. Yeah. This is really personal. I told you not to ask. Comedy personal questions. Comedy product.

Products. That's exactly what it was. It was good. Emerald. Bam! You said it. We just met her, and it was epic. Well, I'd met her before.

Epic fail. I just met her. Yeah. you really honoured her considering you've met her before you could see we had a report yeah I could she smiled big for both of you she did she was super cutie pie just really amazing yeah she's kind of in the thing where like at two months okay she smiles and now she really wants to stand up like standing up is her favorite thing where it's like it's she I mean I love standing up too assisted obviously but she stands up and then and then like looks at

you like ha look at what I'm doing and it's so cute the first time and then like a month in that's all she wants to do it's like get some new fucking material come on like do something new please once she can do it unassisted that's a whole different name but that's a while off what if she refuses to do it on assistant she's like

get over here all through school hey I want to stay and go to the bathroom get over that was when I was carrying you and I still am you fucking jerk I would carry her all throughout did she have a good first Christmas I would dress really cool too

and the students would like me. And they would think you were at high school? You know what? When I first heard about this, I was like, that sounds stupid. But then when I saw him, he's pretty cool. I wish my dad would dress cool and carry me around. Look those cool sneakers.

What were you saying? Sorry. Was her first Christmas? It goes her sharkies. Yeah, she doesn't, I mean, she wouldn't remember. She was religious? There were, yes, she worshiped. Was it, did you come back?

No, he was born that day. Oh my God. Wow. I think we've gone over that, too. We've talked about the rules of Christmas. What happens on Christmas? Stays on Christmas. Yep.

No, it was fine. There were too many people over here. I'll say. And they were really loud in our, and she just was like kind of silent the whole day, eyes wide, and then did not sleep well that night. Oh, too much information. Did you know I was there? No.

There were so many people you didn't even see. I didn't even see you? Oh, that's so great. You should have come up and say hi. Did you guys see me in the windows? I saw you once. Okay. I didn't think it was you, though.

I thought you saw me. Well, I had my whole mask on. Lauren, Lauren did my show of Riotopia. I did, which was a lot of fun. What did you do? I was ho-ho. And it was really fun. You could not find your ho-ho costume.

Okay, this pissed me off so much. And I actually still haven't found it. And I'm like, what? Where the fuck did I go? Maybe Holly threw it in the trash. Probably. She's embarrassed. Well, because you had me take a photo as ho-ho for the book.

Yes. And Corinne brought me a elf costume. And then she was like, you want this? And I was like, no. And then she was like, do you? No, no. Actually, I guess I might as well keep it because you never know when I'll need to wear this costume. And then you at.

And then you at. Nearly like a week later, you have to wear it. I mean, yeah, a couple months. And then you asked me to do the show. And I was like, oh, great, I have the off costume. I didn't even think about looking for it. So I was like, I kind of know where it is in my mind. You could see it shoved somewhere.

And then it wasn't there. And I've been organizing and cleaning obsessively the last week or so. And I still haven't found it. So I'm really. I had a thing like that that disappeared. There's one place that just, and this was years ago. Yeah. And it just occurred to me.

It might be in this tiny little crawl space in a closet. Yeah. Creepy. Maybe, but I don't think so because I don't want to put it up there. It's so weird. Not yet because I keep forgetting about it. Oh, I hate that. The promises you'll do it first thing and report back.

But I want to see your show was so good. It's so fun. If people have a chance to go, they should definitely go or watch it on live stream. Yes. All the existing shows are up on Vimeo right now. now. It was such a fun night and I love the style of the show. Thank you. And you had this amazing band and then there was a musical act that was so good. And everything was just so fun. And then you did an amazing performance with Nicole Parker that I was freaking out over. And I was

filming it the entire time and then you were like, we have a camera girl. I was like, oh, so you don't want the version of the side of your head that you can't even see yourself. But it was so good. I'm so glad that you did the show. Do you want to share what that was? or no, because, I mean, I don't know if people if you other... People can find it. They can see... Go find it because it was really fucking good.

If you go to Paula... I've heard that it's great. I'm Lauren. I've tried to search for stuff on Vimeo and I could not find things that I knew were there. So I don't know if that will work. But if you go to my website, then you can find it on my live page.

Good investment, that website. Right? I remember you were one of the first people back in the 90s. No. Yeah. You were like, 1993. You're like, I think the internet's going to be big. The fuck are you to...

Scott? Hmm? This is not true. Okay. I'm lying. I wanted to seem cool to you. Okay. But Paul,

the other day you did save me, you think the internet's going to be big. So it does sound like something you would have said. You were, were you on like AIM and all that? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, hardcore.

I remember AIM. Did you meet any, like, friends that you had never met in person? Well, I met friends. I have made many friends on the internet over the years where I, now that's much more common, but I met Lauren. Ashley Smith on Tumblr. Really?

I didn't know that. In 2008. Oh. I searched on, I was very into Tumblr and I searched for story pirates when I joined the theater company and then found that she had a blog and I didn't know her. And I just started following her blog. And then we met in an event and we had been following each other on there. And then we had a huge.

But what a story. I know. It was so fascinating how I told it. Um, but I, you know, I thought you knew her from as like a child. No, no. Oh. No, they were both adults when they were. We were, we met.

Have you met anyone, um, as a child? No, I was kind of in a bubble. Do you remember that? I didn't meet anyone. Oh, because you had that disease. Bubble disease. Bubble disease. Bubbles in your blood. Yeah.

When you cut open your hand, you were able to get rid of all the bubbles. Yeah, the carbonation just spilled out and I kind of floated to the ceiling. You can't touch you. me because one of the bubbles might go up to my brain. What a terrifying thing. That's so terrifying. How was your Christmas? My Christmas was good. All I could think about was having an injection and then there would be

an air bubble in there and it would kill me. Right. Oh, that's really scary. All Christmas? All Christmas. All Christmas. I thought of my fear. Injections in my rear, making me up, we go up here. Making me go up here.

I was ready to make me float to the ceiling. What if in Willy Wonka, instead of drinking the carbonated thing, it was like, you need an injection up your butt. Up your butt. That's probably what he was doing behind the scenes. Is that still an injection? If it goes in the bottle? Jesus Christ.

I don't know if it's an injection at that point. Yeah, if it's entering your rectum, I don't know if that's an injection. It's like a hot beef injection. They call that an injection. Jesus Christ. So it had a nice Christmas in South Carolina Very colder, I never had to wear a coat there before At Christmas, yeah

I would have thought it'd be chilly More in February, it gets that cold And then I went to the day after Christmas Went to New York to do shows with Amy Mann and Ted Leo Wow But Ted Leo, the night before the first show Not COVID So

That sucks That sucks And so there was a lot of rejiggering of what the show was going to be. Because he was going to do like at least one song, right? He was going to do one song. And he insisted on it being the alphabet song. Well, it's public domain. And he didn't even know the alphabet.

No. That's why he pretended he got COVID. He mumbled through so much of it. You guys do this part. Now you. The microphone out. So there was some like frantic restructuring of the, So were there guests who took his place or did the people already books do more stuff?

I'd like to answer your question. Well, I wasn't through with it and you tried to answer it in the middle. Because I knew where you were at it. It's the most obvious question you could add. Girls, girls. So we did figure it out there were people that, the idea was there was a through line through the show, like a sort of sketched through line through the show. Oh, which by the way. Yeah.

So funny. that song you sent me oh my god it is so funny i at the end of the show i sing a song in character as keith reneery from the next to you have you post you post the costume that's why i bothered you for the song yeah yeah yeah the costume looked amazing i was very proud of that that that was so what did you can you show him i do i would don't know i've never seen that guy oh boy i'm not gonna bother don't know you definitely don't need to show him yeah zebra you should um you should You should watch all of that tonight. I'm just kidding.

I'm too busy watching half of Avatar and turning it off. I started watching Branson and found it pretty interesting. I'm only two episodes in. There was a TikTok by Hal Rudnick where he's in an Avatar costume. And he's talking about how Avatar people, how the Navi have sex with their hair tendrils and everything. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah.

And it is join him together. The way he's doing it, it's like this purpose. It perfectly encapsulates why I don't like that world, why I think it's dumb. Right. They tie their hair to a bunch of stuff and it, like, gives them bonds. He's just like spelling it out. I didn't know that. It's like, yep, this is dumb.

I don't like it. Yeah. Okay, wait. So, Ted. Cut that part out. I desperately want to work with James Cameron. Oh, my God. I want to be in the new ones, but I turn this, I turn this new one halfway through.

So wait, Ted. I would be in the third one in 50 years. Did it mess up your whole plot line for the show that he couldn't know? No, we got so we got Griffin Newman. to play the part of Ted Leo. Did he pick up on first ring? Why? He's game.

He's very game to do stuff. He's very game to do stuff. Other than getting back to me about he literally just yesterday emailed about something from three months ago. Oh, that sounds like me. That sounds like me. But it was about his payment for this, for not the show, but the. Well, then that makes sense.

He waited three months and gave you time. You waited until the new year. Jesus. Oh, that fucks up your taxes. Yeah, fucks up my taxes, Griffin.

I'm so sorry. I paid him $50,000. Oh. Jesus. For what? To be on Scott hasn't seen. What? Hold on a second.

Okay, that definitely didn't come into my bank account. Did you do the show? Actually, yes, I did. Yes. Which movie was it?

Adam's family. But she's going to do before sunrise. Oh, did we talk about it? Yes, we did. All right. But I was sorry I covered a couple of Ted songs

That he sang with Amy normally Which ones? The both songs or? No, they were Christmas songs. Fairytale of New York. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what are you doing New Year's Eve? Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And have you always sang? Yes, my family is a very singing family. Yeah. Only my little brother cannot sing. And my mother would insist that he could And he would say, no, I can't. Wow.

Yeah, she would say all my children can sing. Oh, yeah. My brother would say to me, your voice is horrible. Anytime I would try to sing. And so I grew up saying, oh, I have a terrible, terrible voice. My brother said that to me

because I was in the choir, the church choir. Right, right. And we knew the choir master, and he once said, the only reason you're in the choir is because he's mom's friend. And I believed it for a while.

I believed it for so long. Until I was in a musical, I got cast in a musical, and they were like, well, you have a solo. And I was like, and the angry inch. Yeah, it was the entire show.

No, but they were like, you have a solo. I said, well, can I do it like comedy? Can I like, I'll do like a fake opera kind of thing? And they were like, yeah, sure, try it. And I just kind of sang what I thought was fake opera. And they're like, that just sounds like you singing. And it sounds good. And I was like, oh, la la, figaro.

Figaro. Wait, oh, speaking of the Adams family. Yeah. This was New Year's Eve. Does your family make the Adams family seem like the Manson family? Do you have an uncle who's a hand? I don't think he was a relative, right? But do you have an uncle who's a hand?

I'm just asking it's just asking a question. No, I do. Okay. Yes, I do have an uncle who's a hand, but I'm saying that thing was not a relative. I know that, sweetie. She means it in the Game of Thrones sense. That's right. The hand of the game.

Yes. New Year's Eve, here's what I did, because we had the night off. We did shows the... And Janie wasn't with you at this point. Janie wasn't with me at this point. Now you're doing it. We did, yeah, you wore me down. We did shows at City Winery the 28th, 29th, 30th, and January 1st.

So we had New Year's Eve off. Uh-huh. Fun. Here's what I did for New Year's Eve. Not a goddamn thing. I love it. I sat in the hotel. I went out.

I got myself a little, I went to like a nice little grocery store, got myself some food, little snackies, a bottle of wine. And I went back to that. the hotel room, and I just fucking sat there, and I had a great time. That's so nice. And I watched Wednesday on Netflix. Yeah, we've been watching that. It's fun. Which, people were very divided on it, and I was like, am I going to hate this?

And I'm like, no, this is fun. Yeah. The stuff that's fun in it is really fun. Okay. Yeah. And I watched the new Matilda musical. Oh, yeah. I've heard it's great.

We saw it in London. We saw it in London. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and it's, I really like that music. You're so really London. It's crazy me when you watch Matilda both on stage. and now in the movie and I'm like,

how do they get so many kids who can dance this well? That's what we are wondering. We were like, where did they come from? They're all in sync. They're moving so fast.

And it's even crazier when you see it live because it's like, okay, well, they age out of it after a year and it's been playing for years.

Like how do you, and they must have understudies and like, you have to replenish the stock of children. They keep having to fuck all the time. I bet that they are just stunting

their growth. Yeah, that's probably true. Just feed them cigarettes. They have to eat A bowl of cigarettes. Sounds kind of good. But it's really good. I'm so hungry for cigarettes right now.

Oh, my God. I'm starving. I want some cigarettes. Did you ever try a cigarette? Hold on. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever try cigarettes? I tried a cigarette one time when I was 10.

And it was disgusting. Yeah. You? I, over the years, like, for show or whatever, I think I've tried on, but I did not inhale. I think it's time to take a break. Yep. Bye. Well, hi, everybody. It's Julia Louis Dreyfus from the Wiser than Me podcast. And I'm not going to talk about food waste this time. I'm going to talk about food resources. All that uneaten food rotting in the landfill, it could be enriching our soil or feeding our chickens because it's still food. And the easiest and frankly, way coolest way to put all its nutrients,

to work is with the mill food recycler. It looks like an art house garbage can. You can just toss your scraps in it like a garbage can, but it is definitely not a garbage can. I mean, it's true. I'm pretty obsessed with this thing. I even invested in this thing. But I'm not alone. Any mill owner just might corner you at a party and rhapsodize about how it's completely odorless and it's fully automated and how you can keep filling it forward. weeks. But the clincher is that you can depend on it for years. Mill is a serious machine. Think about a dishwasher, not a toaster. It's built by hand in North America, and it's engineered by the guy who did your iPhone. But you have to kind of live with Mill to understand all the love. That's why they

offer a risk-free trial. Go to mill.com slash wiser for an exclusive offer. Looking for your next obsession. Escape into the epic world of Red Rising by Pierce Brown, the best-selling dystopian science fiction saga that's had readers hooked for over a decade. With unforgettable characters, fast-pacing, and unparalleled world-building, Red Rising is the series you won't be able to put down. Readers have called it savage, a blend of science fiction and dystopia with reference to history's greatest conquerors and Greek mythology. Now experience the first book like never before with the brand new red rising deluxe slipcase edition, a true collector's treasure. It features an illustrated slipcase with foil, designed, sprayed edges, full wraparound cover art,

fold out poster, and full color illustrated end papers. Whether you're new to the series or revisiting Darrow's journey, this deluxe edition makes the perfect edition to your shelf or the perfect gift for any fan. The Red Rising Deluxe Slipcase edition is available now wherever books are sold. Hi, everybody. I'm Paul, and we're back. We're back, and it's time for a three-cher. It sure is, Scott. And I was explaining this. I was explaining during the break that I think Lauren was not listening.

I heard just enough to know that I don't know what it is. It's something about that song. Okay. I was having a phone emergency. It wasn't nothing. An urgency. It was an emergency you were taking care of on your phone or was an emergency having to do with your phone?

I was taking care of it on my phone. My phone needed to go to the hospital. It needed a bandaid. Have you ever been to that American girl store at the Grove? No, why would I? My doll was sent to the doll hospital when I was little. I had, I had. And she never had the growth, but in Chicago.

No, that didn't exist yet, Sweetie. We just had the catalogs. And then they opened the store in Chicago, which was extremely exciting. But before that, I just got it from the catalogs. When I was in first grade, I had Samantha, and then I got Kirsten. I called her Kirsten. Some people say Kirsten, but I called her Kirsten. But I got pen on my doll, and my mom sent it to the doll hospital.

I think it was more for the, experience of when they come back they're wearing a gown they have a balloon they have get well soon do you pay for that or yes do you send them in nude but it's really cute um you strip them naked you yeah what happens they're clothes i don't think you send them nude they burn the clothes because they're diseased yeah yeah but it was really adorable and i'm very excited my so this is a sweet thing my grandma had bought holly a biddy baby which is an american girl baby doll they have like this other section um last Christmas.

And my grandma passed away this year, but I saved the doll for this Christmas. Oh, Holly loves it. So cute. That's really sweet. Does she hug it? Yeah. Did she know what it was? Or was this?

Well, I saved it till now because she can play with dolls now. She's like, she likes to point out its features. I guess what I mean is, did she know what the brand was? She did say, like, is this authentic, bitty baby? Like, is there like a. She loves brand. She said, where's the certificate of authenticity? Yeah.

She kind of checked it a few times. And we had a held it up to the light. And I, please keep it in the box. In the box, just sort of won't lose its value. Yeah. Adorable. Yeah. Wow.

Very sweet. Well, this is called quip it good submitted by Pete Shell. Peach Hell? Peach Hell. That's scary. Pete Shell. With shoes on? With shoes on.

And this is based on. Pete Shell? Pete Shell. Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, Marcel de Shell. Because I was thinking of these Pete the Cat books that I have, which are a child's book, but I didn't know why you would be talking about it. I would be talking about Fritz the cat, the dirty cartoon.

Oh, my God. So funny. So funny and so sexy. I love to laugh while having a boner. I don't know about it. Have you ever seen it? I've never seen it. Probably.

It was like a legendary thing when we were kids that was like, this cartoon was like rated X. It was a rated X movie. That's so 90s. Yeah. That's so 90s. Although this was the 80s, sweetie. But people don't say anything as rated X now. You just go, it just is.

No. Yeah. Do you remember finding out that triple X is meaningless? Like there's no... Yeah, there's no degrees of X. Well, there should be double X. This is so filthy.

Because there are no movies that are double X. So that's a real like hole in the market that I think is an opportunity. Do you think there were? And then somebody else was like, well, put another X on there. I'm not going to let this guy beat me. Two competing porno theaters.

Like Gimbles and Macy's. All right. So Miracle on 30. 34 Street rated X. Ew. I watch that on Christmas. There's no sex, but you do see Santa's penis. That's fine.

He's getting changed. Ew, it's just flaccid. Okay, so quip it good. This is based on the cold open of a CSI-type show before the opening credits. Well, it's based on that show. Yeah. It's based on that show. It's CSI.

Like Quincy. Yeah, where two of us will play police officers and the third player plays the lead detective. There's a dead body lying in front of them and the the lead detective gets there later after the two police officers have, I guess, secured the crime scene. Then the two police officers describe how the murder was committed and what the clues are. And once enough exposition has been given, the lead detective then tries to cap off the scene with a one line quip, which sums up the crime that we just described. And I'll play a Who song when that happens. Okay. Okay. Okay. So. So I'm no good at these, so why don't, why doesn't Paul be the lead detective? Great. And then, so there's a, there's a detective. Yeah, and we're the two police officers. So I'm arriving at the scene.

You're filling me in to what happened. And then I will use this information to craft the perfect quip. I love that. It's a lot of pressure on you and I'm glad you just decided to jump right in. Dave Caruso did it like 170 times. Yeah, well, he didn't write a single one of them, did he? No, those are the only things that he wrote. Okay.

That's just still happening? no oh i mean oh not not miami oh no i think there's like a hundred branches of that no the regular one they did for paramount plus so he's just done david cruzo davicruzzo he must be rich as hell but i mean i'm not saying he's broke yeah he's not like he's done acting probably i don't think he never seemed to like it that much in the first place nobody he made everyone hate him like people despise him i don't know anything about him except for the taking his glasses off and saying something Well, he was really good on NYPD Blue. He'd just been bumming around doing bit parts, and then he got the lead in NYPD Blue, and was really imposing and, like, really good in it.

And he did one season was like, I'm going to be a movie star. Goodbye. I quit, and everyone's like, you can't quit. And there was a standoff. Then he quit, and he did two movies, and neither of them were hits, and he was done. Yeah. But then he did a thousand seasons of TV where he's not done. Apparently, when he shot his last scene,

he, NYPD Blue, when he was done, he walked out of the building, did not say goodbye to anyone. That's so crazy. That's the dream. I want to do that for this show. Do you know how insane?

I'm going to do it today, but do you know how insane that would feel after that many years? Well, he only did one year of that show. I think that also, oh, what's even ruder, actually. There were a weird way. Maybe Patinkin was on criminal minds

in the first season or two, and then he left. There's like two seasons. Yeah, and it was like the day of the table read of the, the next season and he was driving across the country in the opposite direction. They were like, Mandy, where are you?

I'm driving to New York. He didn't tell any of it. He didn't tell any of his quick. Yeah, I love it. But he was going through some problems at the time. We want our actors to be crazy, don't we? We want it. We love it.

No. I mean, not if I'm working with them. All right. Funding our stories. Terrible to do it. The experience, yes. Uh-huh. All right.

What do we got here? Oh, sir. We didn't know you were coming. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm star-struck. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What are you talking about? Wait, can I take a selfie with you? Maybe later, but I... Wait, wait, I'll take the picture of you too, and then you take the picture of me and him. Let's do, let's do pictures after. Okay. But first... But you promise?

You should be... Don't forget. And don't let me get away from here without asking him again. You should be so surprised. You remember last time when we met that guy, weird Al? Yeah. I remember when Weird Al. investigated one of these crimes

and I never should have let that happen I know because it got so weird Someone was murdered with a rubber chicken It was just we were like It was too funny No I get it He solved it Okay wait but

That was the worst part But yeah I'm just so excited What happened here? First of all you were much taller than I thought You look so small on Instagram I know well I what I do is I put the camera really far away

Okay so it's a camera trick Because I am 7 one optical illusion Yes So the camera's far and then everything in your house is really big? No, they're just close to the camera. Got it. Okay, because I thought your cabinets.

And how do you have the light? Do you have a ringlight or what is that? I have ring lights all over the place. Not even just in your house, like in public? Oh, I have them stashed all over the city. That's good. So when you're buying groceries, you look hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, we have a pretty rough scene here. Pretty rough scene. This is 50 people were murdered. This was a birthday party where a mermaid performer was, crawling out from the ocean this is kind of standard obviously we're on the beach right now yeah obviously she crawled out from the ocean she crawled up from the ocean she was it was supposed to be like she was supposed to take her legs off her her fish tail off and say look I have legs I the curse is broken and she couldn't get her legs off yeah and um her fin she couldn't get it off

so she was thrashing around that's all we have we've see this whole scene of 50 people dead and and we have this eyewitness account of the mermaid the mermaid's still with us she's here she's still alive and she told us up to that and we said hold on just stop right there we just stop right there we need to bring in we i'm already i said i'm lost yeah i said obviously every every person who's dead you can see the obvious clues here there's the each person is holding a a cracker for the crabs to yeah and to crack open crabs they also all have their phones on video and so I think they all They were all recording something, yeah

So they were, well, this was a party to celebrate the turtles being hatched. Do you know how that happens on the beach? Of course they do. Okay, so the mermaid was going to come out, bring the turtles into, or, you know, I'll escort them into the water. And then all these people were filming that and then mayhem ensued. Yeah, as far as we know. Yeah. Is it now the time to ask about pictures or?

No. Because I'd love a selfie. In one second. Oh, okay. Looks like what we got here is. a wave. Hold on a second. You need another take?

We can leave and come back. I don't, no, no. Stay right there. Stay right there. Okay. I wonder if they played any music at this party by the Pixies, because it looks like what we got here is a wave of mutilation. It's supposed to see the yeah. I can't find the yeah.

Where does the yeah happen? How far into the... This is already 30 seconds into the song. Well, maybe it's at the beginning. Is that the beginning? No, because all it is is like this... Hold on, wait. Well, don't skip, because you're going to skip the...

We have to listen to eight minutes on. This is the whole thing. It must happen at the end. At the very end. Yeah, we did it. We did it. Yeah! Okay, let's just do it ourselves.

It's maybe after... After a couple firsts, it's probably after the big instrumental section. Look up where does the yeah happen? There also has to be. There it is. Wasn't that it? I thought I heard it. Look up where does the yeah happen? Yeah, just Google that.

That'll make sense. Who won't get fooled again? Well, you need to do it CSI. I won't get fooled again. Where does the yeah happen? How do I not get fooled again by this? I'm sure there's there's gotta be isolated

on YouTube as well Yeah Well there's a lyric video I guess I can scan that Let's just do another one And you just play whatever part of the song you have Yeah exactly

I think it'll be fun All right Who's the cop this Who's the I want to be the detective You're the detective Okay All right

All right So I said to her If you don't like it Why don't you kick me out And she did She did Gentlemen, I'm here Oh hello

Hello sir Thank you for ma'am No, you had to write the first time. Sir? Sir, ma'am. Your Majesty, thank you for being here. Yes. What do we got going on, boys?

What do we got? Well, Your Majesty, it's pretty grisly, as you can see. Yeah, there's obviously there's two dead bodies here, two Vicks, as we call them. Two Vicks. I call them that too. We put the chalk outline around there, and then I added, like, the thought bubble saying, oh, no. Yeah, and sort of a comic strip box around it, I'm going to add to this. There's four panels, yeah.

Yeah, we wanted to make a story. So if you walk over here. Oh, funny. That's actually very funny. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I don't know.

We're just trying to get into the paper. I think that's good. But what do we think happened? Well, I mean, obviously they're both dead. Yeah. They're holding hands. You bumbling. Huh?

Huh? When I say, what do you think happened? You both say how high. You both. Okay. Try us again. tries to get a, please. What do you think happened?

How I? All right. They're holding hands. They're holding in middle school, girls. I see that, obviously. But in their other hands, they have notes that say, I don't like you. Yeah. And they're dressed, obviously, as garbage men.

So, and there's garbage strewn all around them. We don't know if they're garbage men or whether it, is it Halloween today? And they have a name. tag that says just garbage. Yeah. So, and then one of them has a name tag that this is garbage. The other one has a name tag that says man. Okay.

And we found their feet in this trash can. Yeah. Someone has cut off the Vicks feet, thrown them away in the trash can. So they don't have feet anymore. But the perpetrator, the perp, I guess we call them sometimes. I'm trying to get traitor going. The traitor. Yeah.

Like Trader Vicks. Oh. Or Trader Joe. It's not catching on. Trader and Vic. Or Benedict Arnold. Perpetrator victim. But the perpick, there we go.

I would have thought the perp would. That's why you are the detective. Hey, that wasn't even my big out. Yeah. Never said it was. But they didn't take the feet with them. They threw them in the trash. Right over there.

Right over there. Huh. Sounds like some. Hold on. Oh, shit. Was the hold on the cue. Hold on. Sounds like somebody's stinkies on the rotten

Oh Oh, God. You just kind of went, hey. Hi! I'm still here. I know it's been an instrumental for a while. Don't forget about me. Oh, God, I don't make no sense.

All right. I'll try one. All right, your turn. Okay, so we're the cops. Paul. Hi. Do you, we work together, right?

Yeah. I know I'm new. I'm new. My name's Lisa. Yes, Lisa. Yeah, yeah. So we're working together. I was assigned this, this.

I'm Timothy. Hi. Oh my God. Hello, sir. Sorry, we didn't see you standing over there. You're so coquettish. I'm shy. You look like Michael Jackson.

Do you ever get that? Do you see my socks? Do you? Do people say you have a celebrity You don't constantly tell you like Michael Jackson? Because you do. And I can't tell it's because you've done so much of plastic surgery that you kind of deleted your face or... Just this is the COVID mask.

Oh. Here, let me take this off. Sir. Ah! You look like Liza Minnelli. Okay. Hey, what happened? Okay.

Well, yeah, it's a big question. It's not good. There was a murder, I think. A murder? So while he's going to, I don't like to hear about. I don't like to throw you under the bus, but you've been on your phone. You weren't really paying attention to what happened here and you walked up and asked we were working together. So I kind of think you haven't really assessed the scene.

I was looking up what constitutes a murder. Okay. Well, I think dead people laying in the street. That's what I found. What's the difference between manslaughter and murder? Manslaughter is if somebody was laughing while they did it because it's man's laughter. Yeah.

Yeah. So as you can see, you know how we have in our quaint little town, these little Hyper's Grove. Near the parking spots, there are these little horse, you know, Where in the past, you would have tied a horse to one of these things. You know what I'm talking about? What are they called? We've never been able to find out in this town.

Jerome? This is the exact same conversation we have every day in this town. I think they're called Jerome's, aren't they? They're called Jerome's. Yeah. So yeah, we have these jeromes, and these four have been ripped out, and they're attached to ropes that are attached to horses that are laying. Sir, you got to, it's not going to get any better.

They're laying dead over there. You got it tough enough. And this man here seemed to have been riding the horse, but he got clotheslined by a bar that we believe somebody put there. That there's someone who was using his bar as a clothesline. Yeah. Because there's still some shirts on it. A clothesline will put a pin in him because he's done. That was perfect.

I think we nailed the whole game. I found it. Wow. You found it. Yeah. Well, next, send it to us for next time. Yeah. Where was it?

It's a live version. Oh. I just, it's not that good. It's not as good as the other one. That's good. We'll find it. We'll find it. I think we nailed it with whatever we had.

We did the best with, you know, what we were giving. I think we did great. Yeah. I feel great about it. I think I did great. I love us. Don't worry about us. My wife loves us.

I love my curvy life. What's that guy up to you? What if he was like, guys, I've changed everything. I am skinny. I feel like he probably has made millions from being that somehow. And, like, it just feels like people parlay shit into shit. If he made millions that would really bother me. I don't think he did.

Well, guys, we got to go. Remember, if you want to submit your own three tours, write to us, is that how they do it? Yeah. Freedom USA at gmail. Right to me. Stick, Stickley, P.O. Box 9, 63 in New York City, New York State, 101, 108. Now, Stickstickley was a newscaster? He was.

Yeah. He delivers them for it. In the Chicago land area? No, it was a Nickelodeon thing. He was a... He did the news for Nickelodeon. He was a popsicle stick. And he didn't necessarily deliver news.

He talked to people on the street. Was he a human that was cursed to be a popsicle stick? I think ultimately that did come out in the tell-all. But he did come on TV when the Pope got shot. Yeah. And tell the kids. I'm the only one up at this late hour. His sticks don't sleep.

Oh, hell, though, they don't. And that can get really annoying when you're dating one. Lauren, it sounds like you're speaking from experience. I fuck sticks to free. If you want to call us, it's ha ha-ha-la-in-poo. Yeah, of course. And I think we also figured out that wasn't even right. Yeah, I think so.

I don't know. And then we didn't do anything further about it. I think if you can find the number, you can call us, and that's how we keep it elite. Yeah. Follow us at Freedom USA on Instagram. And if you want to hear ad-free episodes, you can do it at Stitcher Premium or on CBB World. It's so true, Bestie. I wouldn't lie to you.

So thank you for listening. We love you. And we'll be back next week with more freedom. Bye. Bye, piss pigs. Oh, we love you, piss pigs. Oh, my little piss pigs. Oinkie.

We're going around in the piles of urine. Bye. In a pool of your own urine. Urine. Every caregiving journey is unique, but the isolation, guilt, and exhaustion we all feel, that's universal. It's reality, it's life, you know. I wish it could all be happy and joyous, but sometimes it's full of rage, and that is what it is. That's why this show exists, to be a safe place for caregivers to land.

Listen to Squeezed, wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.