Threedom - Threevisiting: Could Happen To You

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss gum, the Snyder Cut and Reality Recap before playing Crazy Pet Return. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail at HAGCLAIMS8.com. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you ever get hit with a cringy memory of your 13 year old self out of nowhere and suddenly you're panic sweating and laughing at the same time? Don't worry, don't worry, we all get that. It's because being an adolescent is one of the most visceral shared experiences we have as people and we want to talk about it. Join me, Penn Badgley and my two friends, Nava and Sophie on Podcrushed as we interview celebrity guests about the joys and horrors of being a teenager and how those moments made them who they are today.

New episodes of Podcrush are out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to the dough where Cash is queen and we hardly know her, but we're still here figuring her out together because y'all, season two is here. Hosted every week by me, X Maya. Remember me?

I'm gonna be talking to all types of people about their relationship to money. I'm talking to reality stars, entrepreneurs, financial experts, and even some of my own friends. Basically anyone who will get real with me about their dollars, how they make money, how they spend it, and how they save it. Because I'm trying to retire early people.

Season two of The Dough is out now wherever you get your podcasts. Hachoo! Freedom! I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. Build on that. Welcome to freedom. I'm dying.

I'm dying. Let's introduce ourselves. Why don't you start? Knives, knives to grind. It's me, Paul F. Tompkins. It's me, Lauren Lapkus. And it's me, sometimes, Scott Aukerman. What does that mean, sometimes?

Sometimes I'm me, sometimes I'm you. Sometimes do you feel like a nut? Sometimes I feel like a nut, and sometimes I don't. My mic stand is fucking up already. I feel that, in my mind, the Almond Joy commercial And sometimes I don't. My mic stand is fucking up already. I feel that in my mind, the Almond Joy commercial and the Chicken Tonight commercial are very, very different. I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Almond Joy's got nuts. Mounds don't. This is a podcast where we sing jingles. Tornado jingles. Why not, right? Orange was got nuts, mounds don't because Closer with big red So kiss a little longer Basically telling you gum makes your breath smell good And that you should kiss while you're chewing gum. Gum make your breath smell good

You never understand why people smell good. It's like you never understood why people chew gum. It's like gum make your breath smell good. So kiss while you chew gum. I chew gum, for that reason I chew gum because it tastes good. I chew gum because I like to chew something. Let me smell those breaths. Eww. You smell your breath-sis-sis.

You know what? I'm not a fan of gum anymore. Breath-sis-sis. Yeah you know what? I'm not a fan of gum anymore. Breath sissies. Breath sissies. Yeah, me either. I'm not a fan of gum anymore. I feel like the- Masks have really taken down the gum.

The gum interplay. Oh, I wonder if the gum, you think it would make it better. My gum drawer is so stocked right now because past year I- I beg your pardon. I barely been chewing gum. Your what?

My gum drawer. What is your gum drawer? Having a gum drawer is the sun. Are we talking like a dresser or are we talking like a desk? It is a dress, it's a treasure chest. No, it's a small- Chest, chest, chest.

It's a small kitchen drawer, just a small one. A small kitchen drawer. If there are some odds, and then- It's a curious small kitchen drawer. Sure, I've got 20 packs of gum in there. That's, wow. Because typically I'm chewing gum all the- Are you giving gum? No, I buy it in bulk.

And I often chew gum when I'm traveling. Why don't you keep it in bulk in the garage and then bring it out like, you know, a packet at a time. It's not big. Bring it out a packet at a time. They're tiny. Attention everyone, I'm bringing out a pack of a time. It's not big. Bring it out a pack at a time. They're tiny. Attention everyone, I'm bringing out a pack of gum. No, but I'm just a whole drawer.

What else could you put in that drawer? They're smaller than a stack of $10, $20 bills. Do you not have... Oh my... What? How do you know that? $10, $20 bills. When have you ever had $10, $20 bills?

I believe in carrying cash. And can I have one? Don't you think... Okay, I was just hearing somebody talk about this on something. Great start to my story. But that. Attribute your sources Lauren. Caring cash is something that men are encouraged to do. Now I feel that I kind of I agree that men should carry cash but I think everyone

should carry cash. Why men? I mean, I guess they're saying it in the sense of, from what I was listening to, it was like sort of an outdated thing of like, when you're on a date, you gotta have cash, because what if there's a valet or there's a thing they don't take a card

or there's this or that, you gotta be prepared. Yeah. And, oh, I know what it was, it was on I Said No Gifts, and the guy was talking about, the guest was talking about how his mom always made him carry cash. And so when he went on the show, he gave Bridger, the premise of the show is that you're not supposed

to bring gifts, but you are supposed to bring gifts. He gave him cash, which I think is funny. But the whole thing is, were you ever encouraged growing up, like you better have some cash, you should always have a 20, you know? Well, I try to- I'm not talking about lots of money. No, yeah, stuff like that does come up.

So I try to have at least $2,000 on me at all times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if come up. So I try to have at least $2,000 on me at all times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you ever see me on the street. I'm gonna buy some art. I'm a big fan of having a hundred dollars in your wallet if you are. But that also comes from many years of having no money

and then being like, I would be very aware of every dollar. And then so once I was able to have $100, I felt like that makes me feel like I'm prepared. And we talked about the ATM in Santa Maria that gave out $10 instead of... You told me about that, yeah. Oh, it was the greatest. We found one ATM,

because sometimes you would just have $12 in your account, and you'd be like, fuck, I can't access it because I can't put another $8 in my account because I don't have $8. But I have $10 just sitting there and I can't eat. So like, we found one ATM that would give you $10. I think it was still like a $2 charge on the ATM. That sucks. That would piss me off. Yeah. But still it was good because you could get that last $10 before you got paid again. And it was the greatest. Yeah

It's thrill. It's a thrill. Anyway, I encourage everyone to carry at least five dollars Five five for what though? Like what would five dollars get you out of just? Comforting if you're gonna carry cash you need 20 20. Yeah, but if you don't have 20 you should have five you need 20. You need 20. Yeah. But if you don't have 20, you should have five. I can't argue with that. I had a friend who loved-

You just don't know what's gonna come up. I had a friend who loved five dollar bills. He- Sure. I love them. He felt like- He had a beard, no mustache. He wore this really tall hat.

He felt like that was the most adaptable form of currency. It does a lot of stuff, you know, it's a great tip. So he hated when he would get change with 20s. He would always ask for fives instead. And if he ever got- Jesus. If he ever got fives instead of a 20, if like someone were to give him fives,

he would always brag about it. He would come and go, guess what happened to me at the bank today? And he would brag about it. And then he would open up his wallet- Oh, I thought it was gonna be like, then he would give the about it. He would come and go, guess what happened to me at the bank today? And he would brag about it. And then he would open up his wallet. Oh, I thought it was gonna be like, then he would give the person $5. No, no.

He just loved having $5. What other problems did he have? And then he would- What was his eventual diagnosis? And then he would open up his wallet and show it to me sometimes. And there would be like 10 fives in there and he'd go, I'm packing. Wow. Did you even fill a wallet? Do we know who this person is? You've met him. Okay will you tell me off? Yeah I will.

Yeah yeah yeah. Have I met him? No. How do you know who I've met? I just know but uh. Good question. But uh. I just know you never met him. But he also he he laid into the humorous aspect of it. It wasn't like- No, no, that's funny. Well, as a cover. Sure, yeah. But at night he was like, fives. He's rolling around on a bed of fives. Fives, fives, fives. He's like a Batman villain where it's just like, his home is covered with fives.

An indecent proposal. But also during COVID, I will say, I feel, and by the way, someone pointed out that we say, I will say, and I thought, I don't say that. I've said it so many times. I think I probably say it the most. No, I say it all the time. I had no clue until I... I never noticed it. I've never listened to any of these back, so I have no idea.

But I just feel like I do. I do from time to time. I had to recently for a different reason. Grumble, grumble. But anyway, I was going to say that COVID, I find that a lot of places are not taking cash because they don't want to touch the cash. Oh yeah. Yes. But that is bad for society

when everything becomes cashless. Well, because then everyone said, well, there was a whole coin shortage during COVID. That's right, I forgot about that. And they were like, we need the coins. And it was like, this is weird. Give us your nickel Coins back in

Did did you guys? Can I tell you just got there? I thought I heard it first But that how do you like it you just shut me? I say can we say fucking love that coin star. Coin star's a bad- I love it. It's so dissatisfying. Do they take a percentage?

They do take a small percentage. They gotta dip their beak. You know what I mean? I wanna say, you know what? I'll find out. Oh, and by the way, this brings me to another thing I wanted to tell you guys. They take 70%? No, you never get to talk. Okay. Oh and by the way this brings me to another thing. I want to tell you guys I Recently tweeted a joke about Venmo about how because what I don't understand is that people will Have their Venmo things public and you can see what they're doing. Yeah. Yeah, so I just I hate that aspect It's so why would anyone want that?

Remember when iTunes was like suddenly- It's like 11.9% at Coinstar. 11.9, Jesus, that's not small. You gotta have a lot of coins to make that make your world. Remember when iTunes was trying to get into social media and they were like trying to turn, like people would post stuff on iTunes about music. They're like, it's gonna be music-based social media.

But then I found out anything you buy suddenly gets posted to your profile that's disgusting oh my god and so I bought this like shitty pop song once and it was the first thing that came up on my profile and everyone's like yeah that's rude well I just want to say that Venmo reached out to me and they wanted to use my tweet in their what you know bullshit and I said is their compensation I DM'd them And I said, is there compensation? I DM'd them and I said, is there compensation? Cause I thought nothing could be easier than them Venmo-ing $20 to use my tweet.

Then they wrote back, we'll send you a fun surprise if we use your tweet. I was like, so it's not money, but what the fuck are you gonna send me? And now I- What could Venmo put, a hat? I kinda wanna know, like I'm like, if it's a Venmo t-shirt, I don't want that. If it's- Venmo put a hat? I kind of want to know like I'm like if it's a Venmo t-shirt I don't want that if it's fingerless gloves if it's like just something cool like I might want like a speaker I want it. I doubt sending speakers to people for tweets speakers for tweets

I just want to know what it is, but I don't want to do though I don't want to give them my tweet. Yeah, you're a public person. You don't need to be advertising for Venmo I don't want to do that. I want, you're a public person. You don't need to be advertising for Venmo. I don't wanna do that. I want them to pay me. Venmo more like fuck no. Am I right? Well, it's Venmo not. Venmo, fuck you, pay me.

Venmo more like Ven-less. That's my Samantha. It doesn't mean anything sexually. What about Bevmo? Bevmo? What about more like what? Bevmo more like Bevme. Bevless.

It's right there. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that.

I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already did that.

I already did that. I already did that. I already did that. I already fun thing. It's not fun. It makes me sad. The reason I do this podcast is because one day I want you guys to brawl and fall into the pool. Like on Dynasty. I don't think we were talking about Dynasty. No we weren't. Lauren said she got checks from Dynasty and Scott for a second thought that she was on the nighttime soap opera dynasty.

I was like, is Lauren on dynasty? And I never realized this. Who shot JR? Who shot JR? You're like J-less. Well, it's not J-more. J-more? Who, by the way? Who shot J-more? Where has he been?

Good run, guys. Okay, so this is what I wanted to ask. When the pandemic was first announced... Were we supposed to stay home? I remember I was against it when they said there's going to be a pandemic. I was like, let's vote no. I don't think we should. I voted no too. But there was a Saturday, I remember it, where the rumor got around that banks were going

to stop giving out cash, that banks were gonna run out of money. And so, and they were like go to several different banks and just take out you know as much as the ATM can give you. That's such a weird... like why does the pandemic mean the computers are gonna go down? And you'll never be able to use your credit card. I think they were saying there was a run there it was like in It's a Wonderful Life where there's a run on the bank where everyone's gonna wanna withdraw all of the money from the bank.

Oh, that part was so stressful. And so they're not, oh, it's a wonderful life. It doesn't. I thought the part where he committed suicide was a little more stressful for him. He didn't die. He tried. Yeah, well. Spoiler alert, of course.

Oh, it's the first 20 minutes. Actually, it's probably an hour in. That movie's a long movie. It's a long movie cool up and I went around To like every ATM we could find and meanwhile we aren't wearing gloves and we're trying not to Touch our hands to our faces just like drawing money out. And of course nothing ever happened with it Well, yeah, if you think about here's what, here's what I don't get about it is, okay, so the panic part is the banks are going to stop issuing cash.

They're not going to give you cash anymore. So get all the cash that you can. But then if they're not issuing, if they're not giving cash because... Because they only have so much in the bank. Right. So then where are you going to be using cash? Because they were saying that things were going to get so bad with the pandemic that no one would accept credit cards or checks or whatever.

Cash was going to be the only currency that you used to use. So the banks are saying we're not going to issue cash because it's a touch thing? Because it's a thing that you touch? No, no, no. The banks, the rumor was because they don't have everyone's. The rumor was you won't be able to use a credit card anymore. You'll have to use cash everywhere. The bank goes, we don't really have that much cash.

And everyone's like, better get all nine before everyone else can get screwed by the bank. Yeah, she gets it. OK, so it starts with the stores going. We think down the line you're going to need to have cash because the economics of America are going to collapse. Right. Right. So at a certain point the pandemic is going to get that bad.

But you better get cash now because the banks are all going to run out of cash. I get it now. It sounded, I guess I was confused because it sounded like it started with the banks are going to stop giving cash. Right, right, right. But also like we were practically cashless now. Like why would it, I don't understand how that would, the pandemic would affect. Well, it was, I mean, when it first started, we went to the, the, the, the Mayfair or whatever it's called, Gelson's. Gelson's. And nothing was. the the the the Mayfair or whatever. It's called galsens and

Nothing was called Mayfair. It was called Mayfair for a long time the one by UCB You've only known it is galsen I want to get where your brain just went to in the past that you just called it Mayfair It was I called that one that that specific one I called Mayfair for the longest time it it was Mayfair for so long that it's just hard for me to call There's a Dominic's Dominic's is the Chicago version of Gelson's right and it's not like it's also the Christmas donkey They change from the main to Mariano's and I don't know what Mariano's. What did he do?

He was just there. That's it? He gets a name? He has a whole song. Was it a passerby? He's an Italian, he's an Italian name. He's Italian? Chris Mistonky.

Yes. Wait, he came over from Italy? Da da da da. Yeah, he's Italian. Okay. He speaks it. I think he guided, he guided Santa's sleigh over the Alps or something like that.

I will say. Okay, so he did do it. And I just said I will say. He did do a thing. Santa's like, I the Alps or something like that? I will say. Okay, so he did do a thing. And I just said I will say. He did do a thing. Santa's like, I can't get over these mountains. And then Dominic's like, this is my thing. Check this out. I know a shortcut.

Can I just say Little Drummer Boy is an emotional Christmas song? Yeah, I can see that. All right. Do you know what else? Do you hear what I hear? That one makes me cry what month is I have no clue when do we get to do anything Disneyland opens April 30th now are you gonna go no no

no no but I would love to go is no land I like to go with Diz no land. I would love to go when it feels right. But see it's not Diz yes land. I like to go with my whole family. Yeah. But you're not gonna do that right? No fucking way. I mean there's a, I would not feel like I was having a good time. I need to be, it needs to be very safe. I have to say they've had a year off.

If I ever go to Disneyland in the next five years and they've shut down a ride for construction, do that when the pandemic's happening, idiots. That's a good fucking point, man. Their ship better be tight. They can't. That's like when we went to the Christmas light thing at a Willna.

Which is opening up again. And it was so like considering how long everything had been closed. Lauren, you weren't there. You can't call it pathetic. I saw a couple of videos. Only Paul and I can call it pathetic. I could not believe how just sad it was.

Yeah. There were a couple like kind of ones that they put real effort into, but most of it was just like this subcene part. Hey, man, you had since March to figure out what you're going to do for Christmas. I don't know if you really thought you'd be open by then, but you should have had a game plan. It seemed like an act of desperation on their part. We need $5 for our $5 collection.

Like July, they should have been thinking, this is what we're gonna do. Because it is a big park, but they had you on a very specific path. Like you were going all over the park. Here's how I felt about it. They figured out the route. I want your feelings about that.

And you're in a car, just to be clear. And you're in a car. I felt like they figured out a route that would work for cars first. And it was the only route that would work. They couldn't shorten it. And then they were like, fuck, this is too big. We can't decorate.

We can't fill it. Well, we'll do what we can. And so it was patchy. Certain parts of it were kind of impressive, but as a whole, it's like, if you're traveling that whole route, you want shit the whole time. We need it. Let me tell you what.

Let me tell you. If that's what happened, they should put, we did what we could on the ticket. Yeah. Magic Mountain. We did what we could. I saw a handful of those things on people's Instagram.

There was one of people driving through a sort of Jurassic Park dinosaur thing at one of those places. And so they had these animatronic dinosaurs, but it just looked really not exciting, especially because it was open during the day as well as the night. So the person I saw was going through it during the day.

But you have to understand, this is 2020. There's like a dinosaur going like, this is 2020. We had nothing to do back then. We were happy for it. Oh my God, that's like Chris Harrison being like, it was 2018, don't you think things have changed?

What happened to him? Is he not on the Bachelor anymore? He's gone. He's gone. All right. What went wrong? I can tell you. So he, what happened was-

This is our reality recap. Yeah. Sorry it took so long to get to it. Okay. Reality recap. We usually do it in Paul's really bored. Josh insert the jingle. Reality recap. Yeah. All right take that and remix it everyone. So what happened was there was a bachelor recently, Matt James, who is a black man. He was dating many women as they do on the bachelor and narrowed it down. As they do on the bachelor.

Narrowed it down to two women. Now, as we know from understanding the timeline, cause this came out before we knew who was going to make it to the final two, there was a woman, Rachel, who was, pictures of her came out that she attended an antebellum party. Antebellum themed party dressed as sort of a... In the period...

Southern belle. Southern belle, but like slave owner kind of fashion. Yes. Yes. And I never heard of this party. I don't know what this is. I never heard of this party. But it's kind of an important point, I think, to me, that I've never even heard of this party. I don't know what this is. I never heard of this party. But it's kind of an important point, I think, to me, that I've never even heard of this. So then what happens is, we don't know who's gonna get to the bottom two,

but I think the fans start to assume, Rachel's going towards the end, because it's becoming a huge deal that this happened. And Rachel Lindsay, who is an ex-bachelorette, or contestant, who, what? She was the bachel, she was the, she was the bachelorette. Yeah, she was the bachelorette. Yeah. She has a, she has a show, a podcast about the bachelor, which is like bachelor branded. And so she was interviewing Chris Harrison about it and Chris Harrison got very defensive as- And she's a black woman, by the way. So it's kind of weird for him

to be even arguing against anything. And he's like, I don't subscribe to this whole woke cancel culture thing. He said woke police like 40 times in his interview. And then he also said, Rachel, this other Rachel. This was 2018. This was 2018. Things were different then. Wow. He said he had 50 million people

attended an antebellum party that year. What are you talking about? 50 million people did that? I've never even heard of this. How many of millions of people are in the. 50 million seems high. But there are. And where are you getting this number?

It is, I, I, there's no way, that number is insane, but it is like still a popular thing in the South and it bums me out. Yeah. You know, because I- Well, how come it stopped? I feel like this brought a lot of light to it, because I didn't really know about that. It's interesting because I think growing up, like it's insane to me that the Dukes of Hazard had the Confederate flag on their

car and I think as a kid like okay so I basically didn't even really I'd heard of slaves until I was and so I knew that slavery was a thing and it was bad but I didn't really know until I was what until I was 12 and my history teacher showed us roots and then it was like oh fuck did that really happen? Well, that's a lot for a little kid. But suddenly I'm seeing that, but it's like the Confederate flag growing up, it just meant the South to me. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. It didn't have any connotation to me other than that because I didn't understand the Civil War. Yeah. You know, so and I think things like the Antebellum Party

and the Confederate flag have just been programmed in us to be fine ever since we were kids not understanding it. So it's like a blind spot for people. Yeah, and people let it go for so long. And it was just like a cool design. Just for the record, Rachel did release a statement, which was like a pretty good apology, I thought. But then on the after the final rose, she had to sit with Matt

and they'd broken up. She had she won. She was chosen at the end. Wow. She was the chosen one. He didn't propose because he got cold feet about proposing. By the way, and this is still in reality. We're at reality recap. Don't pick someone to be the bachelor who says they've never been in love before

or had a serious relationship. Do not cast people who are 24 to get married. Yes, beyond that's ridiculous. Give me 30 and above for the show, period. I need there to be some, you have some experience and you know what you're looking for and you are ready to settle down. Give me a hot MILF. Please, we've had that maybe once. Yes, I need there to be some you have some experience and you know what you're looking for and you are ready to settle down

a hot milk Please we've had that maybe once yeah, maybe once we've had a dilf I think but yeah couple dilfs, but it's just so fucked up And then she had to so she said this down there after the final rose and and talked to him And it was very painful for everyone involved. What is Alf alien. I'd like to fuck We're all from the Muppets painful for everyone involved. What is Alf, alien I'd like to fuck? Yeah. Ralph from Muppets. Rude guy, rude.

What was right? He was a dog. He's a dog. Oh, he's a Dilf. Yeah, he's a Dilf. Yeah, you got to be careful. He's not Ralph, he's Dilf. Be careful what you wish for. The monkey paw, the finger curls. They set up the next two Bachelorettes. Lord really wants to talk about this.

They set up the next two, but we haven't gotten to talk about it. They set up the next two Bachelorettes. Oh yeah. They cast them. They don't usually do that. They cast two in advance from this season. By the way, I feel like they cast the white girl and then they were like, oh shit, all this went down.

That's exactly what I thought. It seemed like- But by the way, I like the all this went down and they were like. That's exactly what I thought. It seemed like. But by the way, I like the other one. Oh, Michelle's fantastic. She's so. He should have picked her. Oh, she's great. I think, I sort of, like I feel like,

yes, the system is fucked up that it's six weeks or, you know, however long and then they have to get engaged, but you know that's what it is going in. So everyone should be ready for that. Plus everyone should be primed as a fucking pump to get engaged. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like everyone should be at the end of their fucking room. She was ready and that's what kind of killed me because she

She was a perfect Yeah, she's ready person for the show. She was like Tiffany Haddish sweet teacher Nice normal seemed ready for marriage. Yeah, and then Rachel was the younger Dumb shit who's like obviously gonna date around and have 20 more boyfriends before she's over. And he picked her and it's like so annoying. Was she the reals?

Race aside like the fuck? Yeah. I just couldn't. But anyways, they cast these two girls to be the next two bachelorettes, but then there's gonna be a bachelor between them. So it was like, that's why it seemed like it was... This is ridiculous now. That's why it seemed...

That's my fantasy. Two bachelorettes and a bachelor between them? But that's why it seemed like it was a sort is ridiculous. That's why it seemed. That's my fantasy. Two Bachelorettes and a bachelor between them. That's why it seemed like it was a sort of like trying to fix something because they don't usually announce them multiple seasons in advance. How about this? This is my. Are we still in reality recap? We're still in reality recap.

Reality recap. I want to pitch that the bachelor should not be about getting married, but it should be about having sex. Yes. And so- At the end of the day- Try out these sexes. That's what happens,

because then you're not putting pressure on somebody to get engaged, but it's like, now we're going to have sex. Yes, finally I pick one person to have sex with. The sex that's going down. One time. I wanna know more about the fantasy suites Also, I love the show Meredith First Sight. Wait you got to know because someone told you or you do. I would like to know

But also the I watched Meredith First Sight, which is a fantastic program. You're so firmly within reality recap. Have I talked to you about this? If I say yes, can we not? You've talked more about 90 Day Fee. I would like to just say one thing about it. Okay. It's a great show. One sentence. Oh wow. It's couples that have never, they get, they meet at the altar. They've never met. They are paired up by matchmakers and psychologists.

And they walked on the aisle on their wedding day to meet the person that they are married to. And they have eight weeks where they are married. And then at the end, they decide if they want to get divorced or stay together. Can it be an annulment? It's probably technically an annulment cause it's only eight weeks to get divorced or stay together. Can it be an annulment? It's probably technically an annulment because it's only eight weeks. Okay, I'd rather it be an annulment. I want it for them to be an annulment too because sometimes it goes so fucking awry that it's like

that sucks if that's like considered your first marriage. I'm not a huge... well I think it depends on where you are in your life but I think some people can be like I knew within the first couple of weeks and we got married three months. And I think that's okay sometimes, especially if like both of the people are in at the time of their life where they're just like, I really am done with dating.

At the time of their lives where they're absolutely through with dating. They knew that it sucked. They were tired of carrying 20s all around. I despise that song, by the way. I've come around. I hated it when it came out. I've come around on liking it now.

I don't like the sound of it. And I owe it all to you. You. Do-do-do-do-do. I don't like their voices together. I don't like the arrangement. That is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that't like the arrangement. I like a righteous brother. I like a righteous brother, like finally coming out of the shadow of his own brother and being

with someone else. The Property Brothers should do that. Yep. The Property Brothers and the Righteous Brothers should team up one brother apiece. Righteous Property Brothers. Yes. The Righteous Property Brothers. And one of them gets to do a reality show and the other have to do pop music

The property brothers have four thousand programs. I'm now learning We've taken a hard left turn back into reality Almost out of it into music criticism discovery plus Talk about it again. They are not paying me or setting me a surprise. Yes Ever and there's like a thousand I mean it's great good for them Who would you like to send you a fun surprise and then we'll go around the room, okay? Wow, I mean pretty much anything that's worth something I guess like Gucci

Let me rephrase it Whom would you not expect to send you a fun surprise that you would like to get a fun surprise from? Not Venmo, but a company that's not known for sending fun surprises Crocs Crocs Crocs Crocs Why are you not? Sponsoring us Crocs Crocs Crocs. I swear to your own notice Crocs. Crocs? Crocs, I swear to God. You're on notice, Crocs. I swear to Crocs. We've done everything we could. I swear to Crocs!

The amount of people who've said they bought Crocs because of what we've said on this program. Incredible. Not to mention, can we drop our news? I don't know if we can drop that yet. Well, can I drop it and then Josh can cut it if we... Yes, okay. So if you hear a big long beep right now,

Josh cut this, and blame him. He didn't cut it, he just bleep okay. So if you hear a big long beep right now, Josh cut this and blame him. You didn't cut it, he just bleeped it. And it's him saying bleep for as long as we talk. Oh, it has to be that. We have, coming soon, croc, three of them, gibbets. Gibbets, baby, that you can put on your own croc. And they're really good. You have the gibbets.

They're really good. They're our dumb faces. You have a pretzel that says the pretzel gang. You have a helicopter that says, he's looking for someone. He's looking for someone. You have Ignore. We have ignored.

We haven't said this since we did it. Scott could have used it today. He didn't choose to use it. And that's the thing about ignored. You can choose to use it or not. You can choose to use it or choose to lose it. And what else? That's really it. Okay. Take a breath, Josh, if you like to say. There was another one.

The crocodile crew. Crocodile crew. You know, every once in a while I'll work for a, like an award show or something like that. Yeah, same. But they always want to give you a gift, back on this topic. They're desperate.

They're desperate. They always want to give you a gift after, and they always They're desperate. They're desperate. They always want to give you a gift after and they always call up your manager and say like, what is, what do they want? Whoa. And it's... Ah, I didn't know they did that. I got a purse once from somebody.

I actually never knew who figured this out. I feel like it would be easier for me if, if like men or I were a person that had purses or... Yeah, like Netflix. Like I think I got company I worked for sent me a purse right yeah but it's always like can we send you in an iPad and it's always like well I have I already have an iPad or I never know what God so they're like does does he like expensive champagne I don't want I

don't want expensive relatable chat I'm sorry but it's he doesn't want expensive champagne. This is relatable chat. I'm sorry. But it's- Oh, he doesn't want the iPad. How about expensive champagne? But that's why I'm bringing it up because it's got to a point where I'm like, I don't know what you can send me. Would you like a cartoon bag of money with a dollar sign on it?

No, money would be great. Send me money, just pay me. That's my point, just pay me. What do you want, a new belt? Fuck you, pay me. A new belt. I feel like. But I should start keeping track of like, if I had to,

because every once in a while I'll be like, fuck, I don't have any shoes. Yeah. I don't have any shoes. Like I think you should buy some. I don't have any dress shirts anymore. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's like, I should be keeping track of stuff like that. I don't really like champagne, but the times that I've had expensive champagne, which is not that often, but every once in a while, you know, you get somebody giving you a fancy bottle or something, it's so much better. I went, yeah, I felt the same way. How do I explain I drink champagne?

This is relatable, Chad. Well, no, I don't buy it. I'm not like, I'm not out there buying a bottle of Dom Perignon, but I have sipped it. I've never bought a bottle of champagne, but we have like 25 in the house sent to us from places. And Cool Up did that thing where she scans them. There's an app that can scan

and tell you if it's expensive or not. And like, 10 of them are extremely expensive. What do you do with that? Give us a ride. We never drink it because they're too expensive. We just save it. Do you know, we had a bottle.

We had a bottle of fancy champagne that sat in our fridge for ages for that reason. We were like, we have to wait for a special occasion. And it's like, we moved house with it. Like we've had it for so long. Yeah, I've done that. And I think we finally opened it like after the election. Yeah.

Oh yeah, this is a good excuse. We did one of our expensive ones on the day that it was finally called, the landscaping day. Yeah. Cool Up finally was like, we're busting out the good stuff. And we just like. You might as well. I never liked champagne.

And I went to a fancy dinner party one time where the hostess was a champagne person and served Dom Perignon. And I was like, oh, I get this. I get why this is magical. I didn't get a headache. I had a fun drunk. But that's not.

So champagne companies, why aren't you sponsoring us? Champagne companies. Look how great we talk about you. Moet. I want free things. Little champagne Moet. I want free things. Little champagne, Moet. By the way, I appreciate when people send me free things. I'm not saying that there's nothing that I would accept.

It's just like hard when the onus becomes on you. Like if people were to send me an iPad engraved with the show or whatever on the back, like I've seen some people have, I would be like, fucking awesome, thank you. But I just, like when it's the onus is on me to be like, yeah, if you're giving me a gift, give me a true gift. I don't want to choose my gift.

Reddit's going to blow up on this. I want a ring, put a ring on it. Give me a ring. I've been waiting. Honestly, if someone were to give me like a gold bracelet, I've never worn a gold bracelet, I would be- Gold bracelet! I've never worn a gold bracelet in my life. That would be so weird if you started wearing a gold bracelet.

Well, I have to say- I want jewelry. Not I will say, but I have to say- From companies! I want jewelry from companies! Hey companies, hey Venmo, give me a ring! Cool Ops' friend, sister started selling gold chains and all of her friends have started wearing gold chains,

like necklaces, but like, and so it became like a trend for her, for her and her friends. It reminds me of when I was 19 and I wore suits and ties every day. And then everyone, everyone in my social circle, like it expanded to where like everyone was. Oh, that's never happened to me.

No, it suddenly became everyone in our drama. That's insane. Everyone in our drama program, like every guy started wearing suits and ties and long trench coats. That was, it was long trench coats. And like dress, you know, dress trench coats. Oh yes I do.

Well it was the winter as well. But it reminds me of that where like suddenly every single one of Cool Up's friends is wearing like this kind of like, to me it looks like New Jersey gold chain, you know? Guys, girls, she asked me if I wanted one. I don't know. I don't know.

Oh, are they unisex? Yeah, they're unisex. Yeah, fun. You should not wear one. Thank you. That's what I say. I second that. Fun! You should not wear one. Thank you! That's what I say. I second that. I gotta draw the line for you.

Sorry you've been outvoted. But I feel like it's all because this sister is selling them and people want to support her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what it is. It's more than a feeling. Well, and gold chains are in. I mean, in terms of layering jewelry. Let's sell three Gold Chains.

Okay. How much is a gold chain? I have no idea. What are those name necklaces? Like Carrie Bradshaw? Oh yeah. Freedom and cursive. They say Freedom? Let's sell those. How much are they?

We'll sell them for 50, would it be $50? Let's make them super expensive. Okay. Because there'll be one person who wants one. Let's make it person who wants one yeah, I'll Simone we're looking at you Martin Schrelli. He'll buy one I want Someone else we know on Twitter who listens to the show. Well, Gail is the only person I know who Seems to not know what the show Can you remind me what happened because then did she say she listened to it on the tweet? Yes, she's a big fan.

Gail, hello, Gail Simone. Hello, Gail. The comic book writer extraordinaire. You got a lot of comic book writers and illustrators. Yes. That's nice. They have nothing to do, but while they sit there, grinded it out.

But, um. Ink stained wretches? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'll remind you off air. Anyway, we need to take a break. Okay. Aura frames.

Oh, let's talk about them. What are they? First of all, what are, if you've been living in the center of the earth with all the magma and you know, and the underground mole people. Maybe you don't know what an Aura frame is, but look, what are they? They're beautiful, Wi-Fi connected,

digital picture frames that allow you from afar to share and display unlimited photos. You just through the app, you send the aura frame, any photo you want, and it comes up on the rotation. I love them. This is, we've talked about them on the show. This is the greatest invention. Maybe GPS is up there with great inventions

in the modern era, but the aura frame is the greatest invention. The quality of the pictures, unreal. I love the algorithm that puts two photos together that sort of match. It's always funny to go like, oh, that one went with that one. I love how simple it is to set up.

It's such a nice way to rotate through really beautiful memories. It's super easy to upload and share photos via the Aura app. And if you're giving Aura as a gift, you can even personalize the frame with preloaded photos and memories from grandmothers to new mothers, aunts,

even the friends in your life. Every mom will love being gifted an Aura frame this Mother's Day. Named the best digital photo frame by Wirecutter and selected as one of Oprah's favorite things, trademarked. Aura frames are guaranteed to bring joy to moms of all ages. What ages could a mom possibly be? You know, 130?

Yeah, she'll love it. Right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $30 off plus free shipping on their best-selling frame. That is A-U-R-A frames, AuraFrames.com. Use code THREEDOM at checkout to save. Terms and conditions apply.

Ah, Lauren, spring has sprung. Spring has truly sprung. Wow, what does that mean to you? Well, I mean, for me, I like to get out there and I like to enjoy the weather. I like to sort of, you know, I like to be active. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Get out in the sunshine, what, going for a run? Sometimes I like to run, but man, I'd love to... Oh my gosh, who's that? Oh my gosh. Oh no. Oh, it's me, hey guys. Oh, hi. I was reading? Oh my gosh. Oh, no. Oh, it's me. Hey, guys. Oh, hi. Yeah. I was reading a funny comic strip. Oh, that's Henry. Yeah, I remember Henry. He's bald. He doesn't have a mouth. Yeah, sure. Anyway, we were talking about it being spring and the things we like to do to

enjoy the weather. Oh, for me, what I love to do is I love to get on my electric e-bike and just to zip around the town. Really? You know, I've heard they have an amazing variety of models built for riders of all abilities. And the fact that it's never been easier to fall in love with riding again. Scott, everything you're saying is true. And what I'd like to do is tell you and you, Lauren, and I guess everyone listening, since we are we are recording this sure go to electric bikes dot-com I'm trick e-bikes. We forgot. Yeah, the thing is is you have to go to electric e-bikes dot-com

Can I tell you what happened what happened in my mind? Yeah, I was thinking electric and I was thinking okay I have to remind people that there's no e at the front and so you that caused me to completely skip all E It's a common mistake, but here's what the address is electric e-bikes.com and you'll discover e-bikes that started just $799 with the XP light. And look, can I be honest with you? Yes, please. I want to share some feelings. Okay.

This isn't weird. It's a safe space. I love my electric e-bike. Just owning it has made me so much more motivated to get out there and get some fresh air. I use it all the time. Well they're a great way to get around offering up to 150 miles on one charge through electric's unbeatable long range options. Go full throttle into spring with electric e-bikes, the number one selling e-bikes in

the nation. Get your adventure started at electric e-bikes.com and one selling e-bikes in the nation. Get your adventure started at electricebikes.com. And please mention the freedom sent you in the post checkout survey. That's L-E-C-T-R-I-C ebikes.com. And we're back. Yeah, we are. Lauren, can I ask you a,

I guess it's a showbiz related question. Okay. And you can say, I don't want to talk about it. And then Josh will have to do a long, long beep. Okay. What are the Oscars? Please help me get there. You were nominated for something.

Oh yeah. This last week and I didn't, when I saw it, oh boy, here we go. He's looking for someone, he's looking for we go he's looking for someone he's looking for someone he's looking for someone helicopter you were nominated for two razies yeah and I I when I saw I think I saw before two one is with David David Spade from the wrongness because they invented Yeah. So I, when I saw it, I think I saw it first because it just popped up on Twitter when I was on it

and like right when they announced it. And I was like, oh, should I text the group about this? And then I was like, how did, maybe she doesn't feel good about this. I didn't feel good about it. I thought it was really mean. Yeah. Here's my problem.

Like it was like, it's just, the problem is, I'm in a category with like A-list people, and then it's me and I'm like, you're just being a dick. Like I just got to do a movie. The Razzie's were about taking down the powerful. I just got my babysitting job. Yeah, I mean, it's like, but basically, like it's just like both.

Cool-op, cool-op. Cool-op's out here. Cool-op, cool-op, over here. Cool-op, who are you wearing? Cool-op, cool up cool up over here cool up. Who are you wearing cool up? She did dress up This is her dressed up by the way, what's in that big bottle? water H2o everyone's doing the big bottle cool up. I love you It's a big bottle by the way

That's like you fill this up at the beginning of the day and you're supposed to drink it all by the end I have one of those but I but I like hers more than the one I have. That's why I have one of those. Okay, we'll give it to you as a gift. Okay, great. It's a fun surprise. Venmo. But the Razzie's used to be about,

okay, there are these huge movie stars, and they would make a mistake like Halle Berry in Catwoman, and- But that's not even bad. And they would have a sense of humor about it, hopefully, where Halle Berry showed up to accept it the day before she got an Oscar or whatever. And Glenn Close, in my category, or my year or whatever, Glenn Close is nominated for an Oscar

for the same role she's nominated for a Razzie and so is Anna Hathaway or somebody else. Right, but when it's just a, when it's someone who's on, who's like trying to make a name for themselves and is arguably the best part of the thing that they are. I said arguably. And I'm the one who's going to argue. It seems weird to call that out. And it seems like the Razzie's have taken a turn over the last few years into just being like mean asshole things like they're meaningless now.

It's like it doesn't have an identity. It's just it's just a negative thing. What I thought was odd. It's like they're internet trolls now. It doesn't have an identity. It's just a negative thing. What I thought was odd is that- It could have been fun, you know? It's reported on by like actual like deadlines. I don't, yes, why? Not even, even regardless of myself being included, I was like, I don't understand why you would post this.

This has nothing to do with like actual anything. It's really just mean. And it's mean even if you are Anne Hathaway. I'm like I think that's mean. I don't yeah I don't so for me I was like it made me feel bad but then I was like who cares whatever and then part of me was like well I'm on a list of all these fucking famous people. Yeah I mean in a way it's like they they deem your work serious enough to put up there. Yeah I mean there's that but like I also thought they nominated a child from the movie music and I was like

It's just that's not her fault that that movie is not appropriate Like I just thought the whole thing and I looked up like where it started and it was like some publicist Started in his living room and I was like, okay So some publicist wanted to be a dick making fun of celebrities in his living room And now we have the internet where like you have to read about this. Yeah, I'm like share it like it's Humoring it well, I I also think like what is the all of these places to give out awards are Are basically just the like the Golden Globes and all this they're there The award show is an advertisement for their place where they all get salaries Yeah Right and they get big big The award show is an advertisement for their place where they all get salaries.

Yeah. Right. And they get big, big salaries in order to do this. And even though the Golden Globes is like a thing of like, oh, well, we work with charity. When I was watching it the other day, it's like, they're talking about like, we gave $1 million to Feeding America. And they are constantly bragging about it.

It's like, you guys are making millions and millions and millions off this. I don't know. The best is they, and the Golden Globes, I feel like it's news to people this year because of the I will destroy you conversation that the Golden Globes have always been just a scam and they've always been extremely buyable. I mean, back in the eighties, we all knew that

that it was a scam, the Pia Zadora stuff and all that. It was just like, yeah, everyone knew the Golden Globes. Sharon Stone would buy a nomination every year for a movie you've never heard of. For what? She would just like, she- Probably for the Golden Globes? Yeah, for the Golden Globes, yeah.

Sharon Stone would perennially get a nomination for best actress at the Golden Globes from a movie that nobody saw, you know, because she would wine and dine them. That's how you used to get nominated for this. Well, that's like with Emily in Paris, they flew all of the people. I love that, and they didn't She, that's how you used to get nominated for this. Well that's like with Emily in Paris, they flew all of the people. I love that and they didn't win, right?

No. No, but they were, they flew all of the voters to Paris. Yes. But people would want the nomination because it's just another advertisement. It makes, it makes Entertainment Tonight keep saying Emily in Paris and over and over again because of the Golden Globes. But that's the thing. It's like why I worked for that movie survey company.

What? I worked one of my day jobs when I moved here was I worked for a company that did movie surveys. I thought you were making a joke that I couldn't quite understand. No no no. This is real. It was a place called NRG, the National Research Group. High energy. Get it? And we had to we had to do these movie surveys and the surveys we had to We do these movie surveys and the surveys we had to do word-for-word and they involved saying the names of the movies over and over and over again, oh Okay, and it was to advertise these movies. It was like like covert advertising like just planting a seed Yeah, yeah trying to get people to like awareness raise awareness for a movie interesting to get people to like awareness raise awareness for a movie. Interesting.

Well, I don't know. Another on another positive. Oh, well, I do want you to say something. I just want to say I got good reviews for that shit. So fuck off. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm going to hold on to that. So I'm trying to just not let myself be brought down by that. Laura is is terrific in this movie. And it's like whatever whatever problems you may have with that type of film put out by those guys, you can't say. Yeah, because they know Adam Sandler a lot.

Yeah, you can't say that Lauren is not funny in this movie. But also the thing about The Razzies to me is that I can't believe it's still a thing. It feels like a very specific kind of like old timey snark that people aren't doing anymore. People now, but also has become so terrible on the internet that it's not fun anymore. You know, like back when it first was around, there was stuff like the Golden Globes that people were paying to get nominations for, and it was like, hey, let's bring Hollywood

down a little bit. Yeah, and I think there's something funny to that when there's not the internet. But nowadays it's like, look, we're just faced with it all day long, and people saying you suck, you suck, you suck. So I think they've outgrown their usefulness. Well, I did see a lot of people tweeting like, what this, like, okay, it's a pandemic and you still did the razzies. It just feels like, really?

Like, what? There's enough going on. I like a razz gimmick. Like, just leave everyone alone. They should have nominated the novel coronavirus for every category. They honestly should have. We can stop there.

Well, I also, when you were nominated, I was like, I wouldn't have even expected this. Like in the same way though, that when Between Two Ferns came out, when the Razzie nominations were coming out, I did not have awareness of it because I did not expect it would be nominated for any- Did that get nominated? No, it didn't. It didn't. But that's what I mean is I was like, look, you know, say what you will about it.

People enjoyed it for the most part, you know, and a lot of people watched it and it was like, okay, great. So I never even thought like it was a possibility. I wasn't sitting there like, you know, the night before the Razzie announcements going like, oh, I hope we don't get one. So that's why I was so- I was, I mean, I was, as a cast member of the film,

I remember being very invested and saying, God, I hope the Razzie's leave us alone. But I, you know, I feel like to to not let myself go to a bad place about it. It's like, well, I I got to be in a movie that was one of the most watched movies of the year. Modesto had 60 million views in the first month or whatever. Exactly. When they try to tear you down, that's what you know. You're on the right track. It had 60 million views in the first month or whatever. Exactly. When they try to tear you down, that's when you know you're on the right track.

And when something is popular, it's good. Well, I feel like it's just like, I think people don't associate anything with like real people when they do something like that. Where it's like, I have to talk myself out of a hole because of that. Like with like facts and figures. I like to tuck myself into a hole. Oh, like that's disgusting. The bachelor, Matt.

Anyway. He's Christian. I don't even know if he, back to reality recap, I don't know if he even bedded any of these women. Bedded? Well, because he's- Oh, bedded. He's Christian, right? Yeah, I mean, I assume,

some of them seem pretty happy the next day. Right? Something went down. If anyone smiles. I think you must assume some of them seem pretty happy the next day. Right? Some went down. If anyone smiles. I think you must assume that they are having sex and that we are meant to infer that they're having sex. Well, no, The Bachelor did a left turn from, we're not even going to intimate.

This is in the early seasons. We're not even going to intimate that anything intimate happened on that show to now, like, pretty much, there was one who in the, after the final rose said, well, if you didn't feel that way about me, why did you make love to me that night? Make love. And that was, that opened the flood gates

for the bachelor franchise to then like just admit that the bachelor was out there having sex with every single contestant who gets that far. Yeah. Anyway, man, I'd love to be the bachelor. What a left turn. He just wanted to get away from the crazies. If you could be the bachelor, would you? Huh?

If you could be the bachelor, would you, Paul? Yeah. Like I'm saying in a different circumstance in your life where you- You're single. You're single, you would never met Janie, I guess. Janie doesn't exist, how about that? Ooh. Her parents didn't exist. How about that?

Her parents didn't have sex on that fateful night. Sliding doors. No, I would not. I couldn't take it. If it was the elder bachelor, like the elder statesman bachelor that we're talking about of like, hey, everyone's, you know, or the guy is 50 and the women are 30. Would you? That's sick. That's sick, man. I know what you mean. No, it's like, I find all those people like, there's not anybody on those shows that I would want to have a conversation with. Well, what if they were like, hey,

we're going to get people you actually liked? Then I guess? I don't know. With the filming it'd be... Does it have to be a show? Well, that's my... Can't it just be like a nice party? This is the question I'm getting to. Will you kiss someone on camera? Yeah, I will. Today.

One of us. No, Scott. I've had very few on-camera kisses. Yeah. I've had way too many. Oh, wait. Okay, you've had David Spade. I can, there's 50.

50 kisses? No, I mean, but there's probably 20. And I'm surprised by it. But yeah. Okay. I've had two. Okay, I've had Christine Woods. No, three.

My friend Christine Woods, and that was awkward. Your tap dance teacher? My friend Natasha Ligero, and that was awkward. That's weird. That's really hell. And you wrote all of these, right? Yeah, but then. And you begged them to.

But no, when you're a writer on one of these things. You refuse to cast anyone else. When you're a writer on one of these things, you're thinking conceptually about it, and then it comes to the day where you're supposed to do it, and you to cast anyone else. When you're a writer on one of these things, you're thinking conceptually about it, and then it comes to the day where you're supposed to do it, and you're like, fuck. Fuck, I guess I better be the actor in this. We should fire that guy.

I don't want my friend to have to kiss a stranger. It's my own talk show. What am I, like, how am I gonna suddenly cast someone else? And then, what's her name? Abigail Spenter from, we did the hot dog kiss, which was disgusting, where we each ate one end of a hot dog and then met in the middle and kissed. It was so fucking gross.

But I was actually proud when we did the Ferns movie that we didn't put a romantic subplot in the movie for you because I was like, why does this have to be, first of all, Even Giovanni and Ryan have to make out, I was going, I'm so glad I don't have to fucking make out. Oh my God. And we cut that subplot.

I know they had to make out for no reason. Yeah, but you know what I mean? That's even worse. You're so mean that's funny. No, I was thrilled. I hate having to do that. I mean, everyone does. It's like, well, I also think like,

it's weird. You and Zach had a mentor relationship and why put, No, it would have been hate having to do that. I mean, everyone does. It's like, well, I also think like, it's weird you and Zach had a mentor relationship and why? No, it would have been weird to make it that. So I thought it was much sweeter how it was. Yeah, exactly. Like he just was your friend. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's normal. Yes, that's normal. Can I say that not only does that not have to be a subplot in most things, like in action movies and whatever, you don't you don't need it. You don't need sexual tension.

It doesn't add anything. And it's also it's usually done so poorly that it just comes out of nowhere. Like at the end, these people hook up and it's like, why? Well, I also think there shouldn't be romance in anything in any medium. Well, because life or otherwise. No, but here's how I feel. The stakes in movies like I watched the Snyder Cut of Justice League last night. No, that's on you.

I just learned about this. The stakes are so high of the entire world is going to... Do you want to explain what the Snyder Cut is? Because I didn't know and everyone was talking about it on Twitter. Everyone knows what the Snyder Cut is. I don't need to explain it. I bet you there's five people listening who don't know. Okay, there's a movie that was always going to be dumb.

It was made even dumber by the guy who directed it. No, it was better. It's better. It's better? Yeah, it's way better. It's like night and day better. So they released a special cut that he made. He made his, basically what happened was

at the end of the movie, he made his cut and the- And what's the movie? Justice League is the movie. And he sent it to the studio and they didn't like it. And so they hired Joss Whedon to come in and rewrite it and reshoot the entire thing. So it's like a very different movie. And the...

Okay, I didn't even understand that part. The Joss Whedon, and the sad part of it is, is he, his daughter committed suicide. So he... In real life? In real life. So he said, you know what? What am I even doing? That's horrible.

I'm gonna just walk away. You guys do whatever you want to it because my family needs me. So he put together the Snyder Cut and a lot of the profits from it go to suicide prevention. Oh my God. So. That's horrible.

But the stakes in that are so high of like the entire world is gonna die. And then a romantic comedy is like, will two people kiss? Like it's not the same thing. Yeah, I mean, a romantic comedy is like, will two people kiss? Like, it's not the same thing. Yeah, I mean, a romantic comedy, though, is... I'm saying take romance out of movies. He thinks it should just be comedies or dramas or actions. And there should be no romance.

No romance, because the stakes are not high. People kiss all the time. Who cares? The stakes can be high. And I like a rom-com you kiss Janie right we're killing we're killing the planet that's happening every day slowly I'm saying there's a fast killing of the planet so fast forward so people when they kiss should kiss really super fast yeah everything fast forward the

Snyder cut should all be in fast motion, by the way, instead of slow motion. Because it's like four hours long, right? Here's the other thing that needs to be taken out. Taken out of specifically police dramas is the. Sirens? The wife who's worried about her husband. No, not worried about.

Worried about would be great. But mad that he's spending so much time away. It's the family that doesn't understand. The concept of police. It's fucking, we just watched this, it's either Swedish or Danish, the investigation on HBO Max. And it's great. It's like a real slow procedural thing

that's based on a true story. True story! Okay, they're trying to- Is that a song? That's from Real World. Is that a gibbet? No, is that a gibbet? That's John from Real World, guys.

What? We're back to reality recap. No, we can't be. We're done with that. We're going to Real World times? You know how in this episode- We're into drama dings now. In the episode of Real World, they always start by,

this is the story. And then someone says true story, but he sings it in one episode. True story. In his season he goes, true story. And if you like reality TV, you should listen to my friend Mariah Smith's podcast called Spectacle, each episode is all about

the genesis of reality TV, it's very good. So back to cops. So the investigation, this guy is investigating the death of this young journalist, female journalist, who has been decapitated and dismembered at sea. Her body parts are dropped into the ocean. They have to recover. In order to have a case. Did they decapitate and dismember at sea, or they did are dropped into the ocean, they have to recover in order to have a case.

Do they decapitate and dismember at sea or they did it on the land and then? It all happened at sea. Everything happened at sea? Yes. Wow, okay. So in order to have a murder case against this suspect, they have to recover every single body part so that they can rule out all these other, like it's a-

And this is a- They have to rule out like murderers it's a scripted show based on a real true story they and it's murderers like they're ruling out murderers who keep toes or something so if they find the toes they're like okay it's not that one there's only one guy it happened on a submarine there's there's one guy you're burying the lead here it happened on a submarine one guy bearing the lead here is the suspect submarine.

We all murdered on this particular submarine. So they have to rule out all these because this guy says, oh, yeah, she hit her head and she died. That's how she died. So I hit her head on the water. Please. That could kill you. So they have to rule out everything in order. Are you going to jump in the pool? Yeah, I can't wait till one of you gets mad enough to be. You throw me in the pool. I throw you in the pool. I throw you in the pool. Someone needs to. You throw me in the pool. I throw you in the pool.

Great ass. One of you better be underwater by the end of the season. This episode's underwater, you know what I'm saying? Oh, well. So she hit her head. And so they have to find out. you better be underwater by the end of the season. This episode's underwater, you know what I'm saying? So she hit her head, and so they have to find out. It's not about that. He's saying she hit her head, and they have to find out. He keeps changing his story every time

they get a new detail, because I guess in Danish law, you're allowed to do this. And you have to just believe this guy's story until you can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt. But it's like, I guess it favors the accused so much that they're saying we can't even bring the case because he's saying this. We have to disprove we have to find the body in order to disprove this story. We have to just prove that she killed herself.

We have to disprove blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like to the point where he's saying, like I cut her up and threw her in the ocean because I was thinking of the family she killed herself and the family would have been upset you know like that's how wild it is. So they have to do they it's like an impossible task where they have to find every single part of this woman's body in order to say. Isn't it all like kind of by I know that stuff moves around order to say... Isn't it all like kind of by... I know that stuff moves around in the ocean, but wouldn't it all be in the general area

of where like the head is? Or did he, yeah, did he, as the submarine was moving, was he like throwing out one every 10 minutes? I don't, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna... Don't spoil the thing. Spoil the thing or recite it. Can you recite it from start to finish? Yes, and here goes.

Here I am. That's the submarine. Can you recite it from start to finish? Yes, and here goes. So while this is going on, this investigation, which is just beyond horrific, the lead detective has a daughter who is pregnant. She announces that she's going to have a baby. And because this guy, this guy takes a phone call at the dinner and walks outside to discuss it. They have an argument. She, she leaves the daughter, the daughter and her, and her fiance leave. And then he, she's like, he's trying to make contact with her.

She won't talk to him. Come on guys. Is he with work? Yes! Yeah, he's getting calls about this submarine that decapitated someone. Sorry, don't you understand? Sometimes jobs are important. I don't know if that was part of it in real life,

but it's such a trope of detective shit that it's like, it doesn't need to be in there. It doesn't, what purpose does it serve? I don't get what purpose, it just makes me annoyed. I mean, it probably is a thing with cop spouses. I'm sure that it is. I remember in the very. I have no doubt about that.

Back to reality recap, every, the very first episode of Cops, when they didn't know what the show was, that it was just going to be the arrests, they followed the cop back to his house and showed that their spouse was really upset about it. So I think it's a thing about about the police about the about like the person constantly being gone and the hours. But you don't see it in doctor dramas all that much because it's like the

automatic assumption is, well, doctors are rich and so their spouses don't have any reason to complain. Right. You know what I mean? Like, or do you see it in doctor stuff? I don't feel like I do. That docu-series about the L.A. Night Stalker person or the Night Stalker. Richard Ramirez?

It's a scary series. What do you have to do? You nailed it. The detective, they interviewed his wife and she was like, it was very hard to be together during that whole time. Like she went and stayed somewhere else cause they were also afraid. You know, it actually, the trope was good in mind hunter.

I think because that he had specific challenges with, with his kid. The older co- Yeah. Yeah. And, and the the the just how depressing that case was. I thought I thought it was well done in that. Absolutely. But for the most part it just seems like a lazy thing that doesn't especially in a movie where it's just one scene in order to elicit a response from you of like wow this our main

character has problems. I feel for him. But it's like, you're already on board. You're already on board with this character. Like, it's hard to solve a murder. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's not fair to be taking that out on him. Would you like to solve murders, Paul? I have. Which ones?

My wife and I get along great. I think it sounds kind of fun to be a detective. I think it would be fun. Because like, do you ever read the book, Commicide? Life on the Streets? Yeah. But also I will, I think that it's very trendy right now to solve murders.

Well, we should turn this into a murder podcast. It's very all coral. It's like everyone's like wanting to watch things about murder and listen to things about murder and talk about murder. Murder is having a moment. It is, and I don't know about that. What do you think about that?

We've always been fascinated by that. And you can look at old sensationalized crime. It's always been a thing that people are drawn to. We've never been able to- I remember when Cain made a podcast about Abel. Ugh. You mean my character from Lucifer? Oh, that's right.

Ha ha ha ha. I don't think we've ever had as much access and ways to distribute stories about it as we do now. And once people, also once people, it became like, it came out of a guilty pleasure kind of thing and into just being like mainstream Entertainment, you know, well also the CBS shows Yeah, you know that sure I bring up my minds or whatever I bring up homicide life on the street again because young Sheldon. It's a fast

No, he was killing he was on a killing spree. Yeah. That's why he's so weird in Big Bang Theory. Then he just became a nerd. But Homicide, it's a really fascinating book, and they talk about how long it takes to solve murders. And because basically it's David Simon starts on January 1st of one year, and then he ends on December 31st of another year.

And there is a murder that plagues them the entire year that they never solve, right? And it tracks that. And, but that, then you watch these cop shows and it's a different murder or multiple murder every single week in one town. And it's like, if life were really like that, I would move away from wherever they're at.

It's like, there's not that much murder. I know there are murders in the world, but there's not that much. Do you know that, um, that guy Billy Jensen, who... He was in the Pat and Oswald documentary? I didn't see him. Oh, you haven't watched that? I'm sorry. No, I'm just...

Scott! I find that interesting. I'm sorry. You've seen Star Trek The Next Generation, good and bad episodes? I have and not... I can't remember what it's called right now. I Will Follow You? Yeah, I'll follow you.

I'll Be Gone in the Dark. I'll Be Gone in the Dark. Not the Death Cab. Not the Death Cab for Cutie song. I'll follow you into the dark. You know what I always think about him, just decided about Death Cab, that when he got divorced from Zoe Deschanel,

I don't know if he had a hand in it, but they released all of her bank statements, all of her spending habits. Not her bank statements, but her monthly spending. Because it's part of the divorce things where he wanted money or whatever. Maybe that seems like a TMZ thing where they get it. Well, it was something not cool. Yeah, who knows? I'll look it up But this guy Billy Jensen who I met doing his podcast which was all about murder when I think they were doing like a Sort of month of talking to people who have nothing to do with us

And so I was like this why I'm here like it was some of the bachelor with him It was like random as fuck and I'm sure the listeners were like why is this happening? But I really liked him and he followed him on Instagram and he is always seeming to be solving some really hard murder that has been mysterious forever. Like he goes on in-depth things to try to get these unsolved cases solved from what I can tell. And he was involved a lot with, he knew Michelle.

Oh. They were friends. Okay. But so, very interesting. And I thought that documentary series was terrifying, in fact. I'll Be Gone in the Dark. Yes. Like what...

What she was studying. Just pure horror. Yeah. Yeah. Right. A true monster. Yeah. That guy...

Oh my god. I'm sorry. I love when people get caught. It's fun. And that concludes drama dings. Drama dings. All right. We need to take a break. We'll be right back with the three. Sure. This show is brought to you by Shopify. Shopify POS is your command center for your retail store. From accepting payments to managing inventory, Shopify has everything you need to sell in person. With Shopify,

you get a powerhouse selling partner that effortlessly unites your in-person and online sales into one source of truth. Track every sale across your business in one place and know exactly what's on stock. track every sale across your business in one place and know exactly what's on stock. Shopify acts as a bridge connecting with customers in line and online. They also help drive store traffic with plug and play tools built for marketing campaigns from TikTok to Instagram and beyond. Shopify offers hardware that fits your business, letting you take payments by smartphone, transform your tablet into a point of sale system, or use Shopify's POS Go Mobile device for a battle-tested solution. Plus, Shopify's award-winning help is there to support your success every step of the way. They help you do retail right. Sign up

for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash freedom. All lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash freedom to take your retail business to the next level today. Shopify.com slash freedom. Hi there, it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus. You may know me from my podcast called Wiser Than Me, where I talk to older women and get their wisdom from the front lines of life. After season one aired, I was amazed by how many people told me our show made them look

forward to getting older, which is why I'm here to talk about season two of the show. Sally Field, Billie Jean King, Beverly Johnson, Ina Garten, Bonnie Rae, just to name a few. And of course, my 90-year-old mom, Judy. All hail old women. Wiser Than Me Season Two is out now from Lemonade Media. ["Three-Dom"] Welcome back. Welcome back.

Three-dom. Hi. Three-dom, it's Three-cher time. Oh man, this is the moment, this is what people really want. Yeah. Is they it's Three-Chur time. Oh man, this is the moment, this is what people really want. Yeah. They want these Three-Churs. Now Three-Chur is a portmanteau of freedom and feature. And freedom is a portmanteau of three and freedom.

The three of us and freedom. And portmanteau is a portmanteau of portman. Natalie Portman and her wiki feet. You knew who's knocking me a, he's my wiki feet. That's right. 10 out of 10. 5 out of 5. We are crushing it.

This feature is entitled, do do do do do do do crazy pet return. This is submitted by Robert Troust. One person is trying to return their pet at the pet store because something is wrong with it But they don't know what their pet is or what's wrong with it. The other two people don't know what it is They don't even know they don't know what it is And they don't know what's wrong with it And the other two people work at the pet store and do know these things

The first person has to figure out their pet and their issue It's crazy pet return because the pets can be whatever you want, like mythical creatures or whatever. You figure it out. You figured it out. You do. You figured it out. Beep beep with the pencil and a pad. I figured it out. All right. Who shall be the pet person and who shall be the employees?

I want to be the pet person first. All right. So Paul and I will text I wanna be the pet person first. All right. So Paul and I will text each other what the pet is. You text me what the pet is and I'll text you what the problem is. Hell yeah. Teamwork makes the dream work. We're already having fun.

I'm supposed to do the pet. Okay, got it. You're supposed to. All right. I got it. And I've sent it to you. And I got it. And I've sent it. And I got it. And now I'm coming up with a problem and sending it to you.

Okay. Okay. So now you're not even you're cutting me out. Scott pitched a problem just cuz it came to me It turns out that's what I was going to say. Oh, yeah, we're on the same page. Let's do it All right, really? So we wait we own a pet store together. Yes, are we partnered like nobody said we were owners romantic we work at the pet store What need a little back? Why don't you see what happens?

pet store. Why don't you see what happens? OK, here we go. Little little back door. Little little. Little little back door. Little little. Little little. Then is a needle. Look at me. I'm as thin as a needle. Well, that's kind of just like her. I don't know what it is. Britney Spears. Oh, it was chilling.

Thank you. Because I didn't even know it was going to come out so good. Whoa. OK. Incredible. One of the most distinctive voices. I'm as skinny as a needle I'm a skinny. I was she bragging about that at some point She was saying that the paparazzi show pictures of her where she looks like she's overweight But right now I'm skinny as a needle and these pictures were taken one day apart Was I just got a text from Paula Tompkins. Fuck you

It's nice I'm just joshing around. I don't mean it. I'm not going to fuck you. Just kidding. Okay. Hello. Ding dong. Hi, Ding dong. Welcome back.

What's up, Lance? I hope everything's working out with your pet. It's unfortunately not. Oh no. Oh no. I'm really devastated. I spent some time in Australia. Forgive me.

It comes out sometimes. Well, for one thing, I should have listened to my friends. When were you in Australia forgive me it comes out sometimes well for one thing I should have listened to my friend you in Australia three years ago oh Right I said you were going down under I didn't know what you meant fuck it. I'll just leave okay You're going ding-dong ding-dong come back I? Have a complaint, and I'm just I feel awful because you know all my friends told me adopt don't shop and yes here I am I bought a pet from you two lovers and I

Love your lovers. Oh, we're lovers. Thank you. It's called lovers pet store. That's right I I'm really devastated because there's something I thought was gonna be called love your pet store And he thought it was lovers pet store. Yeah, not understand when his dick was in your mouth And he thought it was lovers pet store. Yeah, and I won. Did you not understand him when his dick was in your mouth? Or vice versa? It's tough to understand in that situation. We don't have a lot of time, so we have to have these

conversations whenever we can. And I'm a power bottom, thank you. Just like Ebeneezer's group. That notorious power bottom. Power bottom! That's my cry every time we have sex! I feel bad. Are you... I think I need to return her.

Well, did you bring the... Did you bring her? I don't see a trailer hitch on the back of your car. Well, it's not every day you can get a unicorn to come with you. A unicorn? I'm just saying random stuff. Oh, okay. Ding, are you okay?

What's up, Flyers? Did you see a unicorn-themed movie recently? No, I don't even know why I said that. I saw one. Yes, my pet is gigantic. There is a trailer hitch to the back of my car out there. Oh, I'm sorry. Is she out there now?

Yeah. Okay. She's really not doing well. And when did you notice? Cause I thought you, yeah, what do you, I thought you would have noticed the one issue I'm thinking of right when you were shopping here. I mean, we, you know, it'd be hard to miss.

Well, her coloring was off. Yeah. Yeah. Her hair was falling out. No. Oh, not when we sold her to you. Yeah, definitely. That's a new thing to us. Her, she looked, she looked limp and lifeless. I don't know why you're continuing to say problems

when you've already said what the problem is. Oh, so her coloring was off and that's it. So I mean, yeah, you could get more specific about it. So I tried to buy a green dragon, but she was white. No, why would you buy a green dragon on the same day that you bought our pet I? Look I took an edible before I came here and We sell dragons I can't believe you'd go somewhere else no no no no I don't have a dragon

Oh, you're just high as hell. You know that my creature has four legs. Yeah, of course we do it has a tail Yes, of course has two eyes It's real Of course we do. It has a tail. Yes, of course. It has two eyes. Yes. It's real. Yes, of course it's real. We only sell real. It's not mythical. We only sell real animals here aside from the dragons.

And green dragons, yes. And it's a horse. No, well, I mean. That's a common misconception. It's a pony. No. It's a donkey. No, again.

Donkey. Oh, Shrek's back. Donkey party. Shrek's back and better than ever. No, I mean a lot of people. Yes, of course. With no stripes. Yes.

Okay, we'll return him. We should not have sold that to you. It's actually just a white horse. Yay. We lied to you. Okay, I get it now. Now I will be the person. Oh, good. Okay, Lauren, what do you want to? Okay, I get it now. Now I will be the person. Oh good.

Okay Lauren, what do you want to? Okay, let's see. I'm gonna name the animal, or you did the animal last time? I did the animal, yeah I'll do the problem. I did both. I'll do the animal. Do the animal and I'll text you back the problem.

And meanwhile, Paul, what are you gonna do? I'm the person, I don't do anything. I know, but what are you gonna do with your time? Looking for a game for the next episode. Oh, hold up. How do you like that? Hey. Okay. And we have it.

Okay. Okay, so I need you to put all of those fish sticks back on the shelf. Why are we selling fish sticks? It's weird because we sell fish. It's what fish eat. It's not, it's a cute quirky brand. It's weird.

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry, I was yelling at my employee in front of you. Well, I didn't get ready. Employee and husband. Get ready because I'm gonna yell at the- Not for long. I'm gonna yell at the both of you. I'm very upset with at the both of you.

I'm very upset with the pet I bought from your store. Oh no, I knew this was going to happen. The minute we opened a store, I knew we'd have one. I knew it was going to happen the minute we sold that store. Just look, you can't tell me this is right. Well, no, of course not. I mean, I can't from looking, you're right. You can't from looking? No, I can, I wouldn't be able, you're right. You can't from looking?

No, I can't. I wouldn't be able to tell if it's right or wrong. There's nothing happening right now. You can't see how it has affected the mood of the creature. Well, maybe a slight downturn in the smile, but I mean... The smile, exactly. Well, I wouldn't say he always has a smile. It's an animal who can smile. My husband likes to see smiles where there are none, like on my face.

So this you're telling me this animal can't smile. It's just an optical illusion. Well, I wouldn't say smiles. I mean, yeah, it's it's kind of a neutral, but. But you choose to interpret it as a smile. That's what I'm into. Well, that's very positive. That's how I'm an optimist. Together as long as we have. But let me just tell you, that's why we argue. Well, that's very positive. That's how we stay together as long as we have.

But let me just tell you, it's not as world-wide as that. Let me ask you, so to you, this looks normal? Who gets to keep the business? Me! Have you read The Outside? I know. Yeah, it looks- Do you like the name of my store?

What is it again? Well, that's what I'm asking, did you like it? I didn't really pay much attention. It's called Did You Like It? Oh, no, I didn't pay attention to that. I just saw that it's, he's what I'm asking. Did you like it? I didn't really pay much attention. It's called, did you like it? Oh, no, I didn't pay attention to that. I just saw that it's these old pets and I came in here and bought this pet. Every time a satisfied customer leaves the store, we say to them, did you like it? And they never answer because they're already gone.

And they also just got the pet. So why would that sound an appropriate question? I know. It doesn't make any sense. She wanted to name it that. Well, my hope is that there'd be return customers and they'd come back and I'd say, did you like it? You want some more? I am a return customer and then I'd like to return this pet, which is defective.

What do you think is wrong with it? I really can't tell. What do I think is wrong with it? Are you telling me this is the way it's supposed to look? That's the way it's supposed to look. Yeah, that's supposed to look. So then it is an internal problem. Yes, it is.

Sort of. Cause you know what the problem is. I know it's not external. But we wouldn't be able to tell by looking at it. I can't, I'm not sure. We would need some other clue. How am I supposed to give you? One of our other senses.

We would have to use one of our other senses in order. Now is this- Will you shut up? Is this the way that the pen- She's practicing for American Idol. I don't care. I keep telling her, she's too old. I literally don't care. Is this the way that she's too old?

Is this the way? I don't care about any of it. I don't care about your lives. Susan Boyle wasn't too old for AGT and look what happened. God, I would love for you to get famous. I wanna be Susan Boyle. She was on Britain's Got Talent.

Eat shit, customer. What's wrong with that thing and what is that thing? We would have to use one of our other senses other than our eyes, our sight. I mean, is it supposed to smell this way? Yes, of course it is. Okay, is it supposed to sound like the sound it's making? No.

I admit it's not. Okay, so then the sound that it makes usually is familiar inaudible. It's familiar to anyone. Yeah. So it's inaudible. It is familiar. The absence of sound is it is not inaudible. You can hear it. So normally it doesn't make a lot of noise. Oh, it's a silent. It's a silent pet. It's a silent pet. Yes. Okay. Then something is wrong because this thing is making a noise as you can hear. Yes, of course. Okay. Yes. And I find this noise is indescribable. How would you describe it? I mean, I

Well, you're the experts. Obviously I would describe it as something that could happen to anyone from From human to animal. Yeah. It's definitely it's it doesn't sound good, I'll tell you that much. No, it doesn't sound good. Yeah. And so normally this would not be making noise, is that correct? Correct. Okay, because it was not making noise when I bought it. It shouldn't make a noise ever. Yeah. All right. And should it be this big? This is sure appropriate size. It's an appropriate size. It's within all small accurate parameters So it's it's typically it's small like it is. Yeah. Okay. All right small He has that coloring all the time so this is not an anomaly depending depending

Okay so All the time. So this is not an anomaly? Depending, depending. Hmm, okay. So, there are times when he would, it would change colors. Sure. Okay. And this is to blend in with its surroundings, presumably. Oh well, yeah, as a defense mechanism, probably. Okay. So it's, would you, how do you pronounce it?

Do you say shemillion? Shemillion-er. Yes! It's shemillion. Okay. And the noise. Yeah. It sounds like burping to me. Is that correct? That's not. I shouldn't describe it as that. It should unless you're burping. I don't know what your burping. I don't know. Yeah.

Could you burp for us, please? And I can't do it on command, but if you have any soda pop, I'll drink it. And then within minutes, I can burp for you. OK. So it's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, that burping scene. What is that? Grandpa went off. I'm burping or the burping scene. Either I'm not familiar.

Those words you said to me make no sense. You don't know what Charlie means? You did the vehicle? No, no, no, of course not. Look, I want to talk about my my pet, Camille. Sure. Now, I know it shouldn't be making that noise. The noise, it's very high pitched. No, it's not.

It's not? I don't know music. OK, it's more of a... It turned it upside down. It's pitchless. It's pitchless? I don't know how to interpret that at all. It's low pitched.

Yeah, probably. But I mean, the quality of it, I can hear what's wrong with it in the quality of what I'm hearing. It can't sing very well. Well, no, I mean, it shouldn't be singing at all. I wouldn't ask it to. Yeah. I know it shouldn't be. So that's not- No, I'm talking about my wife. You wouldn't quantify the noise the chameleon is making as singing. No, of course not. No. Okay. This is more of a medical issue. I don't know why you're bringing it into us. Also, is it gastrointestinal? No, not really, but-

Are you sure with you two? More common. Wait, how do you know about us? I've read some Yelp reviews. Okay, God. But it's what, it's more common? Yeah, it's more of a common thing. It's a symptom that could mean something really bad

or could mean nothing at all. Yeah. Like it's happening in regular intervals. Yeah. So it's got hiccups. Would you say no not the hiccups? I mean Hiccups would be Something that would just go away on its own. I mean, this seems like it's something that would need persistent Yeah, it's persistent. It's making a persistent noise that will not go away. Yes It's I mean it certainly hasn't ever since it's been in here. And it could happen to you.

What? She's talking about her favorite movie. I love that movie where he wins a lotto. Bridget Fonda, Nicolas Cage. Remember the theme song to that movie? It could happen to you. That I mean, there wasn't a theme song. She just was singing that as the movie started.

The audience members were pleading with her to be quiet. So there wasn't a theme song but you asked her if she remembered it. The one she sang that got us kicked out of the movie theater. I like to be carried out of places. If she has to walk out of a place she will do anything in her power to make sure that she is carried out. Again I don't care. So the persistent noise is something

that I could I could also be making I hope that you don't catch it yeah what are some noises you might make that are medical conditions sure things that the body does okay so I thought I ruled something out. You probably did gastrointestinal. Yeah. Sure, but there's other places sounds can come out. I'll tell you what, there's not that many. Okay, wait, he doesn't have COVID.

Well, pick one. He doesn't have COVID. But, you know, it's alarming. But it, but it could, it, it, it's, it, I hope he doesn't have COVID. A persistent vocal noise, not related to gastrointestinal issues. And it could happen to me.

It could be COVID, but I don't want to rule it out. I gave him a COVID. I give all the emails a COVID test. Oh, okay, so it's not COVID, but it is a symptom of COVID. So coughing. Yes, but a certain type of cough. A dry cough. Yes, all right, we'll take it back.

Here's your two dollars. You thought the worst of us, Paul. And it was just a dry cough. You guys, you tricked me. The one time you didn't do what you absolutely would do. Wait, what did you think? He kept thinking he was diarrhea or something like that. I can't believe we didn't do that.

Alright, I'll be the person. Alright. I can't believe we didn't do that. All right, I'll be the person. All right. I'm never good at this part. The symptom. And I'll text the animal. But not the symptom. What? Rocky Horror previously mentioned on freedom. They're laughing at the. I'm laughing at Twitter.

Oh, you're on Twitter right now? I'm just kidding. I'm trying to lie. Oh. I'm trying to lie, you see. I'm trying to lie. Hmm. But one of you tells the truth. Got it. One of us is trying to lie and one of us is trying to tell the truth. Okay, we're ready.

But you're not successful at either. Hi guys. I am sick of being conjoined to you. I love it. Hi, hi. Yes. Oh, what? Hey, I bought a, you know.

What? I bought a, you know. A lottery ticket, like in It Could Happen to You. You seen lottery ticket liking it could happen to you you see that movie We were enjoying it and then somebody got thrown out of the movie oh, and you've been singing that ever since I think Weird I bought a I bought a pet from from you guys I bought a pet from you guys. Dadoi, that's what we do. Are you one person or are you two people? We are two people.

Two people. How dare you? I hate this and he likes it. That's two different people. I bought a pet from you guys and I think it's, I don't know, there's something weird with it. Well, we pride ourselves in selling top quality pets. Not weird ones. Pets, not weird ones.

Okay, well it's in the palm of my hand right now. I'm holding it. I mean, that's very precarious. You really shouldn't. Oh, okay. Well. I think it wants to be put down my hand right now. I'm holding it. Yeah, I mean that's very precarious. You really shouldn't. Oh, okay. Well, uh... I think it wants to be put down. Alright, let me put it down. Is it safe to put down here?

Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, it should be okay. Should it be restrained at all? I mean, I might put something over it. Put something over it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so is it... So it doesn't escape.

Right, right, over it. So is it in a, like, should I put it in this cage? Is that what you're? The cage feels, I mean, a cage could work. Yeah, it would have to be a decent sized cage though. Oh, okay, okay. Well, anyway, it's... You guys all right? It's good to see you.

Oh, we're fine. No, I'm not leaving. You're the one who stopped in the middle of the questions. You kind of spaced out. You like went away. I keep hoping that you guys will fill the space a little bit. Why would we? I'm just uncomfortable. Are you noticing something wrong with this guy? I have severe social anxiety and I need to be drawn out a little more. Are you noticing something wrong with this purchase? Yes, I am. It's this, and it just doesn't look right. And what do you think it should look like? I mean, I guess I just want to know, you know, what's an issue that you're seeing?

Well, the invisibility is just a huge aspect to this. What? I don't think that's true. Oh, I'm thinking of my other pet that's right outside here. I'd like to hear about that at some point, though. Because this creature is very real and cannot do anything like that.

I mean, it looks okay to me, but maybe a little, I don't know. Out with it. You're not really supposed to admit. No, I know, but. Well, come on. He's, look, I'm a loyal customer. I buy a pet a day from you guys.

I mean, outwardly, outwardly his appearance seems fine. Yeah, you shouldn't be. He looks a little upset. I mean, I buy so many day from you guys. I mean, outwardly, outwardly, his appearance seems fine. Yeah, you shouldn't be. He looks a little upset. I mean, I buy so many pets from you. If one isn't right, I would expect you to be honest about it. So I thank you. I appreciate your camera. He looks a little uncomfortable.

Yeah. Yeah, well, is it a problem? I mean, you know, what I call legs, do you call them legs? Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with those. There's nothing wrong with the legs, obviously. Legs seem fine. The legs. And there's four of them, obviously. No.

No, that would be a problem. Oh. That would be a problem. So, but the hands, I call them hands. You shouldn't. You should not. Okay, should I call them paws? This is a pet store.

Who do I call them? Paws? They're not hands, they're not paws. I'm trying to think of an animal that only has two legs. Well, it's a bird. Well, it's a... what about the wings? Yes. The wings seem fine. The wings are good. They're clipped. That's why I wasn't too worried about it flying off. Right, right, right, right. So it is a bird. Yes, of course it is. Is it a specific type of bird? I never asked. No, it's a general bird. It's just a general... I never asked. It is a specific type. Absolutely. Every bird is a specific type of bird. You can see it's pretty big. We course it's a specific type. Absolutely. Every bird is a specific type of bird. Well you can see it's pretty big.

We put it in that big crate. Well yeah, but I mean, you know, I think it's a toucan. I've been looking up. Oh no, you're way off. No. I hope we didn't mislead you somehow when we sold it to you. Oh no, no.

I mean, part of the word is right. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's only two syllables. Wait, two? Two? Two syllables? Two? Is that right? No. What's wrong with you?

Can. Can. Can. Or just one of the letters. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da dance with my music. Oh, make me want to scream. Michael Jackson. Um, can Canada, the Canadian birds, right? No, no, come on. Um, can or ca ca ca ca ca. Maybe don't focus on that so much. So, OK, anyway, so this bird, this bird, which I'll figure out the specific. I mean, you never told me what it was, but I'll figure it out.

We assumed you knew. I mean, you know, well, I don't know. I can't read it. It's a very, it's a very recognizable bird. It is. I mean, you know, look, I know your zoo isn't by the water. I think this bird would appreciate it if it was. Yeah, right.

Well, it's a seagull. No, no, it's not. I'm saying I'm talking about my friend Jason. Oh, yeah, it is a seagull. No. No, it's not. I'm saying I'm talking about my friend Jason. Oh, yeah, it is a seagull. He told me in between shooting movies, he's a big movie star. I don't like to brag about my friends, but I'm friends with a huge movie star. And TV star, he did How I Met Your Mother.

Yeah, anyway, but he it's obviously a bird that likes to be by the sea. Obviously. Exactly what I said. And it's a pelican. Yes. And it's but it's not it's not right. Right. No, it's certainly not. I mean, look, look, I think it's pretty clear. But but but I can't look at that. I can't tell just. Oh, I mean, look, I think it's pretty clear. But I can't tell. Ooh, look at that.

I can't tell just, oh, I mean, I should look at that. Obviously I can tell when I see it now. Oh, boy. It won't stop shitting either. Yeah. Yeah, because it has. It has diarrhea. That's right.

Yeah. Sorry, we will take this back. Here's the key. Can I keep the diarrhea? Yeah, sure. As our gift to you. A fun surprise. Oh my god. We did it. Another three Dom in the books. That was a long one guys. I enjoyed it. Was it really? Yeah. I had fun. I had fun. Thanks. Be on the lookout for those things we mentioned

earlier in the episode. Unless they've been bleeped out. Yeah. And, uh, anything else we should say? Nope. All right. We'll see you next time. Bye. Hi, I'm Feminaz Dearing-Gibson. And I'm Homosexual Brian Safi. And we're the co-host the attitudes podcast, where we talk about LGBT plus

issues, gender issues and pop culture, probably with much less respect than they deserve. Look, it's a wild world and we want to help you laugh at it. Plus, we discuss everything going on in our lives. Like what do you do when your husband accidentally starts a fire in a dumpster and the best armpit slapping techniques to get rid of the bags under your eyes. Thanks for the advice, mom. And of course, how to spin a wig around to achieve a brand new look.

Stunning. So if you're a fan of high heeled shoe chairs or have a crippling fear of hot air balloons but also believe in social justice, then this show's for you. Listen to Attitudes anywhere you get your podcasts. Think about a moment in your life that changed you, where one day you were yourself, and then the next day, poof, you weren't. I'm Stephanie Whittles-Wax, host of the show Last Day,

and each week I sit down with a new guest to explore happy, sad stories of transformation. Some last days are hopeful, some are tragic, but on the other side of every last day is a fresh start. Come laugh cry with us. Listen to Last Day wherever you get your podcasts.