Threedom - Threevisiting: et tu (E.T. 2)

Episode Date: July 1, 2025

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul and Lauren discuss dirty eyelids and being switched at birth before answering a listener question.  Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Make life suck less with fewer ads with Lemonada Premium. Freedom! Freedom! That's perilously close to the Tomahawk Chop. No it's not. Here's what it is. Okay, what is it? It's the famous foot football chant. Oh. Oh-eh, oh-eh, oh-eh, oh-eh, but the Tomahawk Chop is it. Don't do it.

Oh, God, I don't want to. But I got I want to I want to show you how close it is. I wish the melody. It's like that. No, I like where he's saying, yeah, well, there's like, boom, down and name and a name. There's like, oh, they're not. They're not as close as you think.

I know them. Believe me, I know the melody of the Tomahawk Chop. Why don't the Tomahawk Chop people just switch over to what you're doing? Yeah, or why don't they go to hell? Could be. Yo, what? God, I hope there's a hell. I don't hope there's a heaven, but I hope there's a hell. I'd be fine with that.

I'd be fine with like, if you're a decent person, you die, nothing happens. If you're bad, you go to hell. And you're tortured forever. And who decides? Who decides, sir? And who, sir? Who benefits? What's the Latin?

Q-E-bodo. Yeah, queen. Q-E. Q-E. What if Bono changed his name to that? Q-E? Hi, I'm Q-E. I am Q.

Oh no. What if Bono was Q? Q-anon took this letter from the alphabet alphabet and I am going to steal it back. I'd respect that a lot. That's what it would take for you to respect Bono. I would respect his actions, but I wouldn't respect the man. Respect the actions if not the man.

Separate the art from the artist. That's right. You respect the office of Bono if not the man, right? Absolutely. Yeah. Is there anybody who you respect as an artist, but don't respect their art? That seems impossible.

You can't respect them as an artist. You can respect them as a person. Yeah, like there's people that you think are nice people. Yeah. Probably, like people, not somebody you know. Yeah, yeah, and I go like, that could also be true. You know what, I'm not too fond of whatever they did,

but like they seem great. I hope they're happy. What I like is when you absolutely cannot respect them either way. I love that because it's so good to try. You're free and clear. Yeah, you never have to think about them ever again. Yeah.

And you never will. Hi, welcome to Three Dumb, I'm Paul. Speaking of not respecting anyone from both sides, I'm Scott. I don't know how to take that. That's about me. My name is Lauren Oh no, I'll take that. And I. That's about me. Who?

My name is Lauren. Oh, I see, I see. No, it doesn't matter. I don't care who I am. Yeah, who are you, dear? My name is Lauren. And you're here to say? I love to rap in a whole new way.

A whole new way? Which way? A non-rhyming way? It's a talking way. That's exciting. But just naturally, I will say my raps as they're flowing through me. This is Threedome.

And if you've listened to the show for the past couple of weeks, there's been a plot point that we need to resolve. And I think we need to do it on Lauren's topics. Well, this is well, because I'm not sure what it is. Yeah, me neither. Should we do it on Lauren's topics? Yeah, sure.

I guess I'm afraid to just put my topics up for whatever this topic is. Oh really you want to protect Lauren's topics? Well, because the topics are pretty important. I think that's fair. I don't know what the topic is. You need to curate the topics before it's over. Well, it's not my topics. But we've announced so many things on Lauren's topics. But there are things that pertain to I, me, myself.

And Lauren has been the one announcing them. No, I'm sorry. do you wanna speak off- I don't wanna do Scott's topics. What it's regarding? No one wants you to do Scott's topics. Is it regarding you? Yeah. Is it regarding your ankle?

Yeah. Okay, well it's not Lauren's topics- This is your topic. This is Scott's moment. No, I wanna do it in Lauren's topics. No, you can't. It was so popular. It's the same, we called it Scott Badbody.

I have other topics to bring to Lauren's topics. This segment is full. Come on, it's- No, Scott. We have to bring to Lauren's topics this time the second I fall come on It's no Scott Scott's moment reach down. Give a hand up to a star Voted you're outvoted Scott's mom. I'm always gonna be outvoted It's coming in as quickly as it leaves. I think it's gonna be Scott. I gotta be quick about it Scott bad You think it should be that because you thought of it you think? You gotta be quick about it. Scott Badbody. Yeah, it's a slip of the body.

You think it should be that because you thought of it. Scott Badbody, man. You think it should be that because you thought of it. Yeah. Well, cause this isn't a moment. This is going on forever. You're right. I haven't even started.

Scott's Hour, let's hear it. Scott's Hour. The Scott Hour. What happened to your ankle? All right, well. And now everyone relax. The last time. Sit next to your phone and light a fire.

Beat your dog with a newspaper because it's time for the Scott hour. Okay, last time on the show, I talked about how I twisted my ankle and then I hit it a couple of times during the show and said, ow! You did, honestly, when you hit it during the show, you were really in pain, yeah.

And it was a little scary. Yeah. Because I was kind of like, whoa, I didn't realize it was a little scary. Yeah, that's kind of like whoa I don't realize it was so bad. I wasn't scared. I was really scared and I hid under the table inside of a closet instead of a closet And you put sweaters in front of you and then I made a fort and then I played I saw your I saw your shoes And then I hid in a bunch of stuffed animals. Yeah, and then when you looked at me, I made the face Yeah, the ET face

At Bailey. Oh, the ET face. Who? Et, they look. Oh yeah, the extra dress. Et 2 ET? Et 2 ET? Has anyone done that? ET 2? That's funny. Oh, ET 2 should be, ET 2 should be Et 2.

Who's that, some old comedian? Yeah, he's the guy that does the songs. He's got the piano with the stars on it. I don't even see it on the PBS. Someone please Photoshop the ET2 poster as Et2. And I recently learned it was Et2, not Et. Is that right? It depends on how you pronounce it.

Et2? What if I pronounce it correctly? Et2. Not Et, E. Et2? It's like Et2. E-H. Et.

Eh? Eh! Et2, Brute? Eh? I'll find out in any case at two like I at two I know that in in Italiano and is a it to lose the letter E I mean if you wanted to. We are looking at how to pronounce this. Oh my God. Famously pronounced by emperor Julius Caesar when he realized his son Brutus. His son? Betrayed him. Son?

Or did he, I thought he said song. His song Brutus. E2 Brutus. E2. Also did he say Julius? Why are we? Et tu Brute. Et tu Brute. Et tu Brute? So who told me this? And then I'm looking down here and it says in French, it's eh.

So I think somebody thought that was a French phrase. Dumb. But it's probably Latin. That person's stupid. It is Latin, of course. It's from Latin times. But so I've got to figure out who told me that. It sounded like they were on vacation in Paris.

It just happened like a month ago. I saw it by the way. Oh, it was actually this. This whole time I've been saying et. I saw Mike's tweet about you. His tweet has 100,000 likes right now. It has taken off. When he woke up and went, holy shit.

We got to start tweeting about each other all the time. I got to get that number up. I guess that counts as- But describe what the tweet was basically that- The tweet, I'm out of social media time today. I've already used it up. Okay, but let me paraphrase. Yeah.

It's that you came to him and said, by the way, I read- I read the other day. I read something. Or I read something the other day. I read something the other day and it was da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da. And he goes, I told you that.

And I was like, okay? So I guess you read that. But yeah, and so he tweeted about it and the people are loving it. People love it because it's a little slice of like interpersonal dynamics. It happens all the time. Yeah, it's great.

Anyway, I didn't realize it was so universal. I feel like it's the kind of thing that will get stolen. Right. Somebody will claim it as their own. It'll end up being on a sitcom soon and he won't be cast in it. He'll have to audition and it'll be like, and he'll be like, I actually, the tweet,

this line that I'm supposed, the character is supposed to say is based on my tweet. And they'll go, honey, you're just not right for the part. That's not how the biz works, babe. 118,000 likes. Yeah, he's taking off. And I just retweeted it as well. And so we did a dance this morning screaming,

we're famous, we're famous, oh, we're famous. Holly starts crying. Money started raining down from the ceiling. Yeah, the money did come out of the ceiling. Every house has money in the ceiling. Well, if you get a tweet that goes viral. Yeah, you can't, it's look, you can't jigger the lock. You cannot, absolutely not.

You can't unlock it for the money to rain down just by yourself. In any case, I broke my ankle. Okay, so Scott's moment. Because you thought it was a sprain of some kind. Thought it was a sprain. You kind of just, you diagnosed yourself. I was walking around for six days.

The next morning after the show, I was like, I'm gonna go into the doctor. Went in, it's a tiny- Six days with that, I would say, is pretty intense. It was okay. It doesn't hurt all that much. It wouldn't be a big deal to me. Oh yeah, I guess if I broke a bone and just let it hang,

I'd be fine. Yeah. Also, it's a tiny bone. It's like sticking out of my arm. Which is what I said to Cool Up. It's a tiny bone. Also, it's a tiny bone. And that's what she said.

That's what she said to Cool Up. That's what she said to you when she saw it. That's what I said to her. So I'm in a boot for a couple of weeks. Look, by the time this comes out, we'll be on tour. Hopefully I'm out of the boot by the time I was- Oh my God, what a curse you have on your ankle that you had a- I know.

That you have a boot. I did a whole tour in a boot. Yeah. That's psychotic. And in a walking boot. Yeah, I remember it was gross. It was gross. It's embarrassing. And then when I got back, my foot doctor said, what the fuck are you doing?

You could have permanently damaged your foot, because I just was in the boot that they gave me in Chicago. And then I just completed the job. Did the doctor actually say the F word? Yeah, I would be thrilled if my doctor cursed like that. Yeah, it would be good. Yeah. Look, it's fucking like, can I tell you what? You have fucking cancer. This is all fucked up. Yeah. Look, it's fucking like. Can I tell you what doctors do? You have fucking cancer.

Hey, this is all fucked up. Yeah, yeah. Your bones are fucked up, dude. I went to my ophthalmologist the other day. Yeah. Because I have a thing where the pigment in my eye. Your eyes bulge out whenever you see a pretty lady. Ophthalmologist.

Yeah, my tongue is also an issue. Ophthalmologist is a doctor who. Eyes, dear. But not optometrist. No, optometrist. That's more vision. Ophthalmologist is more the inner working of the set eye. Exactly, and they take a picture of your eye,

looks like a foreign paneled planet. But they do that at my optometrist, just so you know. Yeah, that mine too. Okay. So do they cover both sides of the street maybe? Because that's the same for me. But when they do that, when your optometrist just so you know yeah that mine too okay so do they cover both sides maybe but when they do that when your optometrist does it they say you got to go to an ophthalmologist all we can do is look at it and say it's fucked up got it so your optometrist went I can't even help you dear you must go see an

ophthalmologist and then the ophthalmologist does the same test or they just look at the actual because those cost money you know they do oh yes I do they always ask when You must go see an ophthalmologist. And then the ophthalmologist does the same test or they just look at the actual, because those cost money, you know. They do, oh yes I do. They always ask when I'm in there, they're like, do you wanna pay the extra 150 for this test that you really should have? They literally make me, they hold me down

and they say, we're gonna put it in your eye. My ophthalmologist grabs me by the ankles, turns me upside down and shakes the money out of my pockets. I always have to get dilated. And moths fly out usually first. It's so intense. Moths fly out. Graphing by the ankles turns me upside down and shakes the money out of my Well, I was I had to get dilated recently when I went I do want to hear your story I'm just your vagina. Hold on really really dilate you were dilated Pupils and Had to drive and go somewhere and go do a bunch of things. They tell you you can't drive I thought. They said I could but I had to wear these little plastic glasses.

I love those. It makes me laugh so much. And then I was trying to look at my phone and I couldn't even see. While you were driving? Well no. At a gas station. Because I was out of gas. And with the prices of gas these days I was like I can't even pay for the doctor. But I couldn't even see. It was interesting though because I never tried to look at a gas station, because I was out of gas. And with the prices of gas these days, it's like I can't even pay for the doctor. But I couldn't even see. It was interesting though, because I never tried to look at a phone while my eyes were dilated.

And it was like I couldn't even see what was on the screen. You couldn't even recognize it as a phone. And then you're like, oh, wait, this is my cat. I was. Yeah. I was. That seems scary to me. I could see everything driving wise.

There was no issue with that. It was more like the hand screens. The highway, cars, brake lights, everything. But I was careful and they told me it was fine. I had to drive home from the foot doctor, by the way, and they put me in this boot. Which foot is it? It's the right foot.

Your gas pedal one. Your gas breaks foot. Yeah, the one that you, yeah. How do you get the boot in there and then you gotta move your foot around? Well, that's the thing. So they're putting the boot on me and I'm like, I think this figures into the story.

I'll find out. I was like, can I drive? And the first person who was lower, by the way, I saw probably 10 layers of types of doctors from the very top, the person who I came to see. What? And then someone under, then there was obviously a hierarchy of like 10 people.

So the lowest of the low person is putting on the boot. You have some VIP foot that I am not aware of? No, I'm just saying like- The lowest of the low person is putting the boot on. I hope they don't listen. I'm just saying when you go in- It's like a blacksmith.

When you go in, you're used to like- Like shooing a horse. Talking to someone who's lower than the doctor and then the doctor comes in. And then you say, let me see your manager. I don't see them as being lower. There were obviously like, there were people shadowing people. There were-

Why are you saying they were, oh, I hate that. There were the people who were like, obviously only in charge of doing the menial task. But I said, there were so many people who came in. Some people just came in, looked in on my room and went, huh. And then like popped their head back out. I was like- Or they were probably just doing a tour of the hospital.

Or maybe they were told there was a really weird man in there. Yeah. I hate when you're like, the doctor brings a guy in, he's like, look at this freak. Yeah, and then they just go, just go in and look and pretend you're looking for something else. So I'm at the op zone.

Wait, what about the conclusion of my story? Well, no, we don't. There's more? No, so to answer the question of how did I drive, so she's putting the boot on me and I go, so how do I, can I drive with this? She goes, yeah, anytime you drive, you have to take it off, it's a pain.

And I said, oh, okay. And then the next guy who's a higher up than her comes in to like make sure it's all done correctly. And I go, so she said I could drive with this and he goes, no. Yeah. He goes, this is like a cast, keep it on, don't drive. So, but I had to drive home from it.

And it was in Santa Monica, so I just was very worried. Do you know why I was done with that story? It's because you told me it the other day. Oh, right. But Lauren hadn't heard. Hang on. What's your hanging question? This is a Lauren hadn't heard.

I was done and yet didn't know what it was at all or where it was going. I'm done with this, goodbye. Oh, God, I did a mess of the desk. But so you just put your shoes back on and pretended you hadn't been to the doctor then you got home. Well, I did a barefoot, but yeah.

Wow. I took the boot off. That's the worst thing to do. Like an old hillbilly. Wait, you're not supposed to drive a barefoot? No, I know, like, Fanny Smith said I could dance that way. Sometimes if I have to...

Hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it. How I'm gonna to... Hibbit, hibbit, hibbit, hibbit, hibbit. How I'm gonna hoot, how I'm gonna hee-haw. Both peetering out at the same time. That was lovely. It was beautiful. Whenever I've had to like move my car from the street into the driveway and I'm just like, I don't know if she's gonna

just go out and do it. What's that? Just keep it in the driveway. I can't because sometimes I have to let my wife out of there. No, don't let her out. She lives in the garage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I keep it blocked. And. I can't because sometimes I have to let my wife out of there. No, don't let her out. She lives in the garage. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I keep it blocked. And then sometimes like, oh, she's going to blow. And I got to let her out. But I'll get out. I'll go walk out of the house with my bare feet and get in the car. And it feels so weird. It doesn't feel right at all.

It's not right. When you put your feet on the gas and brake, it doesn't feel good. I wonder if the first Caymen put their feet in the fire and were like, oh, ouch, ouch. And then they were like, let's spread the word through images on the walls. The feet do not belong in fire. They invented the circle with a line through it.

Yeah. So I'm at the optho and my regular optho is not there. Oh no. And so it's a young woman. Dr. Romas. Someone beneath. Well no, an associate. Okay fine.

I don't know. Associate is parallel maybe. His name is on the door. So Scott would say this is the lowest of the low. But she's a doctor. No she's probably second tier. She outranked me, so I can work when I stay. She's an associate but her name's not on the door.

She's second tier. She's like in charge while you're regular doctor. Exactly. He I can work when I stay. She's an associate, but her name's not on the door. She's second tier. She's like in charge while you're regular doctor. He, I'm sure, is a way. Of course. Yes. But this doctor was a woman. Whoa. The old Riddle.

And so she is, first she tells me, like she does all the tests and everything. Oh, so the problem that I have is the pigment in my eye like breaks off and rubs against part of my eye and it causes pressure and that could lead to glaucoma. But what does that mean, the pigment of your eye? It literally means like the part that makes the color.

Whoa. Which is not what I see when I look at you it's something within the eye. Would you trade all that pigment like- You're not seeing like little pieces of brown break off. That's what I was worried about. Yeah. I'm worried about it too. Would you say get rid of the pigment?

I'll have clear eyes. Clear eyes. Remember Ben Stein? Of course. Oh no, why did he say clear eyes? He was in the commercial. Because the clear eyes was the drops. He had, you know, a booming career at a later age.

Yeah. And now he's done. Where is he? Is that part of Lauren Sopics? Yeah, that is one of the things I can't get in on. Ben Stein's career. It's trivia from Lawrence topics. I wanted to go in depth on his career, but I'll do it in Lawrence topics.

Okay. When Ben Stein's money, of course, clear as commercial cover. Oh, he was one of the writers in Soap Dish. She's in the soap opera writing room. You'll find him in all sorts of films back then, doing all sorts of interesting roles. It's true. But he made a living out of being low key, you know?

And he was the first to say low key, high key. And then, who else made a living out of low key? Tom Hilton. Tom Hilton. My dear friend, Loki. Congratulations to him and his fiancee on their new baby. Oh yeah, who's he?

Who? I saw them on Broadway. I can't remember her name, but she was, it was her and Daredevil and him. And they were on Broadway in betrayal. Were they all playing, he was playing Loki, there was Daredevil and then her. Daredevil from the Netflix show?

Yeah, yeah, Charlie Cox. Charlie Cox. Yeah. Okay. So from the Netflix show? Yeah, yeah, Charlie Cox. Charlie Cox. Yeah. Okay. So. Then what happened? My pressure's good, but she said, you need, your eyes are dry,

so I'm gonna give you some artificial tears. And I'm like, what am I, Jennifer Aniston? Yeah, really? And then she told me that I have to clean my eyelids. Oh. With what? With wipes, there's special wipes for cleaning your eyelids. The outside of my eyelids. Oh With wipes there's special wipes Outside of your eyelids. Yes

Yes Why do you need to clean that's the outside of your I don't understand how that's affecting anything She said because nobody cleans their eyelids. Oh, this is just a separate topic Wipes she's like completely flabbergasted. And then she said, I'll show you how to do it. I wash my face. And she, I wash my face too. And I use eye makeup remover. So she says, I guess I never thought about, am I really getting in there with my eyelids?

Well yeah, I think men might have less of it, or people who don't wear makeup. Yeah. So she's like, let me show you how to do this. This freak just wants to touch people's eyelids. Well, I didn't mind it because she did want, she's like, you do it like this. And she, it was like a little tiny spa treatment where she took this. It sounds super relaxing. Gently wiped both of my eyelids. To each other during the show.

But are they called those man wipes? For men. They did have a picture of a ball on them. And they smelled like Axe body spray. A testicle. There was no smell. That's nice. And that is what I meant. Just a picture of one ball. But then there was, so that was very nice.

Hitler had one ball? Oh yeah. Famously. There's a song about it. Yeah. Hitler had one ball. Very close. Hitler, he only had one ball.

Goering, he had none at all. This is what they would do during World War II to keep spirits up. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. So they were negging. I don't know if it's true that Guring had no balls, but. But it's the kind of thing you'd sing to have a little fun while these assholes were causing it.

Yeah, exactly. They sing it in the movie, a separate piece. You'd be like, you're trying to commit a genocide? We'll show you, here's a song. You only have one ball. He's like, who cares? He's gonna do whatever he wants. And he's only got half the stash.

I do, I do, what up? Right, what? Hitler was the original girl boss. Yeah. Maybe only having one ball led him to, like, doing whatever he wanted. Hey, as long as I got one ball, I'm gonna live my life till I die.

We should all cut off one of our balls. But here's the other thing that the op that is. She had to, she was taking different pictures of my eyes than had been done previously, and she said, okay, look up, and then she took her index finger, and she pulled down, you know, on my eye, the way you do when you're a little kid, to make a scary face.

Side note, I think that people who work with eyes have the cleanest hands in the biz. You think? I just picture them washing all day long. But her hands were very, she was a slight woman, right? Very small, soft hands. And it felt so nice. I don't know why, but it really surprised me.

Well, because not every day, Jeannie pulls your eyes down. Not every day, just on my birthday. But I agree, I think there's a certain kind of touch that makes you go, oh my, I don't know, there's something about it. touch that makes you go. Oh my I don't know There's something about it and then she did she and then she pushed my eyebrow up when I had to look down Uh-huh, and then the other eye she did the eyebrow, but she didn't do under the eye and I was a little disappointed

Well, why did she give up halfway? I know I was looking forward to it after she did the first time. It's like, oh, yeah Yeah, my I went to get my eyes checked and my eye doctor, so I kind of always go to a different person within there. I never have actually been to the guy whose name is on the thing. Oh, you gotta see that. It's the best. It's so great.

When you stroll in there. I want this for you. I want this for you. I don't even want it, honestly. It's like, I don't even know him. No, you deserve it. Okay, maybe I do. But I liked the people who helped me out.

And there was a nice gentleman who came in and did my preliminary sort of paperwork, discussing, asking questions, that kind of thing. Oh, that's seventh tier. One thing he said that I thought was interesting, and I'll just throw it out there for the listener, and you can take it or leave it. Please, take it or leave it.

And if you disagree, I don't wanna hear it. But I thought it was kind of interesting. He asked me if I had any surgeries, and while I haven't had any surgeries, I did mention having a baby, because I was like, I don't know, is that something? And then he was like, actually, I'm really glad you said that because-

God's original surgery. Yeah. Because I want to know how babies are. Because God is the knife. Will you show me? Will you show me down there? He has to look at my third eye. It's blinking.

He said, I can't, he said that babies, they have new technology. Basically I have horrible vision. What technology do babies have before? What have babies have that we don't have? Let me tell you, let me tell you. So when I was in, my vision started going bad when I was in second grade and I needed glasses. And ever since it's gotten progressively worse my entire life, I have horrible vision.

But he said, there's a new thing. And I don't, of course I don't remember the name, but I could figure it out. Glasses. But there's new treatments for little kids that help them so that if they get glasses as a baby, it can prevent all the stuff from happening later. I can just make their eyes stay better longer.

And so he said babies should actually be checked at the one year mark. And then you have to come back until they're three. But a lot of times they'll say your doctor... So he said... Yeah. He said your doctor might say that they're checking and that's enough. He's like actually he's like I'm you can go anywhere you want. I'm not trying to upsell you. So your doctor is checking your nuts enough? I don't know what I said but they check it and they say that's enough. But he said I don't care if you go here, go somewhere else. I don't know what I said, but they check it and they say that's enough. But, but he said, I don't care if you go here, go somewhere else. I'm not trying to upcharge you. I don't give a shit. He's trying to like play.

I'm just telling you, you should go to hell or you just die. You'll find out if any glasses and little babies and glasses. Wow. Little babies and glasses is so cute. I know. I thought that was very good information. They should do that with Viagra. Like I want to say you don't have to have Viagra as an older man. You take it when you're younger. It's sort of like competitive. Glasses instead.

Um, so the, uh, there was a doctor came in. She was a woman. She was fantastic. Awesome. Before that happened, that man was having an issue with the computer and he brought in a younger fellow who was probably about my age. He was another doctor. Oh, computers for sure. But he knew he was, he was tier. He was another doctor. Oh computers for sure.

But he knew he was a son of the main doctor. Oh this is no sorry this is ninth tier. Sorry the doctor is a woman? No the main doctor is a man who I don't know. He has a son who has the same last name who works at the office. Right because the woman doctor her son has been in an accident. Um yes. She's operating.

And that doctor came in and fixed the computer and then he kind of made a joke about how he's like the Resident we do like slap the side of it. Yeah blue in it And he was very nice and then I found out that my doctor is his wife and I was like Wife husband and dad if so, he made the joke that he's the everyone asked him to yeah Cuz he's like the guy who understands and he understands all the computer programs. I always think it's interesting when someone gets into the same field as their parents.

Like it makes sense when like, okay, my parents or my, you know, they've owned this factory and they're giving me a job. And even though I hate plastics, I get to be just the boss and not have to worry, you know, like that kind of stuff. But when someone's like, oh, I want to study the exact same thing, maybe you're getting helped by your parents

in that respect. Well, my dentist's daughter is also a dentist at his practice. And I think that's great. There's something really nice about it to me. Let me ask you this question. Are there any children of actors who don't go into acting? I know. Oh, a million. There's so many probably. who don't go into acting?

I know. A million. There's so many probably. Who don't? Yeah, there's so many, but we just hear about the ones who do. There's a trillion. First person who came to mind, Diane Keaton. How many children does she have?

She has two, I think. Michael Keaton. But you know, he works with Michael. That's not his last name. He took his name from Diane Keaton. Which is such a bold move. It is. To name yourself after took his name from Diane Keaton. Which is such a bold move. It is. To name yourself after another celebrity

and then become a celebrity. If your name is already a celebrity name and you're like, well, I can't, he's already got my name. Like I'm just like, I'll be Lauren Cruz. I almost changed mine to Scott J. Fox. Yeah, that would have been really weird. I'm sure I've told this story before, but we had- Tell it again, Lauren.

I love it. We had a piano teacher when I was, does this ring a bell? Do re mi fa so la ti do? Yeah. Piano? Yeah. We had a piano teacher who had come to our house, and I think he was probably a college student, but he seemed really old to me, because I was five.

I don't remember this, but keep going, I wanna hear it. He always, he had like kind of greasy, like long hair in the front. Like he was a greaser, or his hair was naturally greasy? He was just that. And then he would go like, and like, he would like sniff and like move his hair out of the. Like he was a greaser or his hair was naturally greasy? He was just that. And then he would go like, and like he would like sniff and like move his hair out of the way while he was playing.

I remember, that's all I remember. And I barely did piano, but he changed his name to my brother's name. Oh, you did, Delos. Yeah. I don't remember this. He just was, I think he was like, I just always liked that name and that's my name.

And it was like, you cannot tell us that. Like you have to speak, whoever you were before, you still are that, cause you're teaching piano to children in their home. We stopped soon after. It's a very weird thing to do. Also, if you're changing your name, just go like, lie about the reason you're changing it.

Not just like, oh, I'm teaching your son piano and I really like that name. So I'm gonna change my name to your son's name. Just say like, oh, this is my grandfather's name. And then people go, oh, what a coincidence. Where's my middle name? You just cannot do it. I would say just keep calling yourself

whatever the fuck you were until you're done. Do you remember what his name used to be? No. So you think every person should just keep their own name that they're given by their parents? I do not think that at all. Weird, Lauren. That's absolutely true.

Wow. One million percent not what I'm saying, but for the man who walked into my home and changed his name to my brother's name, I would say you are odd. That is very weird. Yeah. All right, let's take a break.

Yeah. That is very weird. Yeah. All right, let's take a break. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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You don't know me, but you know a version of my story. Because by now, we've all felt the impact of senseless gun violence. I think a stray bullet flew past me because I hear the whew. It was that horrible feeling of dread. Something's wrong. Four years ago, my dad was killed in a mass shooting.

My podcast, Senseless, is about moving forward after the unthinkable. Senseless from Lemonada Media premiering June 17th. And we're back. I know I am. I think Lauren's back. Now she's started typing, even though she said, OK, let's go. It's about Paul.

My mom texted me just now. Wait, I'm Paul. And said, I was in the car listening to Paul talk about asking Janie to marry him. It was a fun story. Why did you send that voice note to her? No, I was in the car with her. Was it on, was it a?

So should I go for rides? What? We go for rides a lot. I mean, was it on Serious X M in one of your stand up things? How did she complete that sentence though? She said it was- Oh, she said, I read it.

I read it, but you didn't hear. Yeah, I heard it. It was a fun story. Fun story. It was a fun story. Oh, good. It definitely was in my stand up and I don't know where she was hearing it.

Serious X on Wifey, she listens to that. That's pretty likely. If you recorded it on an album, then it's on the comedian. Maybe she did hear it on Freedom, but I highly doubt that she'd cute it out. I can't wait to get that money. Good luck. No, but she loves Serious and she listens to a lot of stand-up on there. It's so wild that you have to, like as an artist...

They should call it funny. You have to. Instead of serious. Yeah, but spelled in a similar way. I wouldn't say everything on there is funny. Well, for the comedy channels. You know how Netflix changed it to Netflix is a joke. Yeah.

When they put out all those Dave Chappelle's stand up specials. Yeah. The series should do that with, and say funny. They should say serious. I have a story that with and say funny. They should say serious. I have a story for you. Seriously funny. Serious is a joke because that would be kind of just interesting.

Serious is a joke. Serious like Netflix is a joke. Serious as a funny heart attack. Yeah. We have some notes by the way, Kevin. But that you have to, like there's this system in place where you have to chase down your own money and then they have to act like and then they just get to act like oh yeah here you go that's nuts no yeah we were every time you have a stand-up like bit that airs on Sirius how are you supposed to know exactly

yeah exactly you have to constantly you have to pay someone to constantly listen and that turns into a lot of money. Yeah. So you're paying my mom now, I guess. Yes. She's one of my, she's one of my agents. And then I have a lot of people, people listen in shifts. That has happened though, like when you're in commercials. But in different time zones. You're supposed to get paid every time

they air the commercial. And I have a lot of friends who, you know, like, I've said to them, hey, I just saw your commercial. They're like, oh, I'm not getting paid for that again. Let me know exactly where you saw it. There is a website. There's a website called iSpot.tv that tells you when and where your ad play is.

This is a commercial by the way for iSpot TV. Dang. So pay us. At least there used to be that. I don't know. I haven't looked in many years, but I- Now it's probably a chip in your brain. I'm sure it is.

Boy. Boy. Boy. They're all controlling us. I'd like to be controlled. Would you really? You wanna be a robot? Go find yourself, how's that? You're halfway to robot, here's what you need to do.

You need to have another boot on your foot. And it just tells me where to go. Yeah. Like I don't even know where I'm going, I just suddenly get up and start walking some days. It would be cute if you had another boot on your foot. If you had two boots. Beep bop, beep bop, boop-a-dee-dee.

Scottie, two boots, the robot? And he tried to walk upstairs. We kept falling down flat. Oh my God. No, it should keep you up. Okay. When you were a kid, did you have stairs? Were they carpeted and did you try to slide down them?

One million, a bajillion percent. Of course I did. And we'd even, in my aunt's house, we'd throw all the stuffed animals down, make a big pad at the bottom. At the bottom of the, oh. The crash pad. Yeah.

And then get in the sleeping bags. But the stairs hurt themselves. Oh, it hurts, it hurts. Get in sleeping bags. Oh yeah, it hurts. And push down and it hurts and it's not great. Or write a blanket. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Neither of those are good. I want to carpet some stairs in my home that I want to be. I like the world stairs. Let me bid on this. All right. I'll underbid them. All right. I just want to hang out with you guys. Oh, during the lunch break. We had we had carpeted stairs and then at one point, the carpet was ripped up and we put just like little remnants on each step. So it wasn't like the full-

Right, like a tread. Yes, exactly. Exactly, so you could not slide down that. It hurt like hell. I go, because my office is downstairs, I'm the one using those stairs most of the time and I've become very- Oh, because you put that no girls allowed sign.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Smart, smart. Except every once in a while. But every time I walk down those stairs, because they are slippery, I become... And there's nothing that can be done about that? I become just very, well, they say pour vinegar on it

or something, but... What? Slide down with your head hitting every step? No, I just have become... Put an elastis on there, it'll get nice and sticky. I'm not cavalier ever. I've made a decision to never be cavalier about walking down the stairs.

Pardon me. Just like, you know, da ba da ba da. Every single time I walk down now, I'm very just cognizant about holding very tightly to the handrail. Yeah, it's a tragedy. Holding my other hand against the- Calls peeing.

I'm just pouring some water. He's peeing. Why are you peeing while I tell this story? It comes out in such thick. I call it furry water. Thick, thick ropes. Your thick ropey pee. My arcing ropes of urine.

Yorin. But I just know like how your life can end just like that or like your life can be suddenly changed. So so I'm sure I've said this before. I think often about when is the next time I'm going to fall? Like have a bad fall. Oh, stop. Like trip over something and just like fucking wipe out.

I'm knocking on wood. No, well, I mean, just having this boot on, it's like your life can just be fucked. I mean, it's sapped me of the will to live. No! Wow, you are on a thin thread already. This is all it took. Breaking a tidy bone in my ankle.

And now I'm like, I'm out. Yeah. How tiny is the bone? I don't know. What's tiny to you? A penny. It's round and flat, like a penny. It has Abraham Lincoln on it.

How many round flat bones do you think we have in the human body? I would say none. The knuckles are all round and flat. Yep. Checks out. Ten of those. They're not round and flat.

Well, let me see your knuckles. They're not flat. Oh my God. Those are big knuckles. Those are oblong. Holy shit. Paul and I have flat ones. Look.

Oh, when you hold it like that, I see. This is good podcasting. We're all staring at our heads. I'm not high, but hands are wild. Hands are great. And feet, when you're holding it like that, you're like, oh, I'm going to be able to do this. I'm going to be able to do this. I'm going to be able to do this. I'm going to be able to do this. I'm. We're all staring at our. I'm not high, but hands are wild.

Yeah, great. And feet when like it's so. Feet are normal. It's so crazy. Sick when you think about it. Oh, you maniac. He's spilling the water everywhere. Because I forgot my. This is what happens when you.

I know. And I thought I forgot my bottle, but I didn't. And so I guess I am better than you. Laura and I for one brief second, we were the same. Oh, can I do a reality recap? Yeah. I got a couple important orders of business. Important. This is a month after by the, or something.

Oh, fuck it. No, no, it's just like, it's four weeks from now. Or three weeks. Whatever, all I wanna say, maybe four weeks is a good time to start tuning into The Bachelorette because they'll have weeded out a bunch of the guys. We got two Bachelorettes this season, which I will say has rejuvenated the entire series. It is totally fresh There's gonna be totally new drama as they get down to fewer guys and there's like more

Competition or less competition. It's just we call it. Yeah, you were competition. It's getting very interesting already I was way more engaged. There's only been one episode I was way more engaged. There's only been one episode. I know. But I'm saying the first episode is usually the worst. But I thought it was better than normal. And by the way, I looked at my phone the entire time, but I'm saying it was still pretty good. Then what happened next would shock anyone.

A new show came on and I stayed to watch it live. Oh, did Joe Jonas or not Joe Jonas? Nick. No, no. Kevin. Go, go. Kevin Jonas and unknown Jonas. It's called Claim to Fame. Say a prayer for him. Kevin Jones and the unknown Jonas.

It's called Claim to Fame. Say a prayer for him. It's all on. It's all on Hulu or it's going to be on Hulu. But you have four episodes now, I guess. Really fun show. I thought it was going to be not interesting. It's the premise is that family members of famous people,

so like a cousin, a grandson, a sister, whatever, are the people who live in the house. Of like Zendaya and other people. Nobody knows who they're related to, but they have to try to guess who your celebrity relative is with clues and all these different things that happen. The race of the people. And it's really fun.

I thought it would be really silly, but. I hate to admit it, but that is part of the guessing. The first episode had a great ending. I'm totally on board. Don't spoil it, because episode had a great ending. I'm totally on board. Don't spoil it because I taped it. No, I'm totally on board. It's on Hulu too. Spoiler for me though.

I'm never going to watch this. You would think Frankie Grande would be one of the hosts of this. Frankie goes to Grande? Frankie Jonas. Frankie orders Grande at Starbucks? He's the lesser known Jonas, so he's the perfect co-host. No, I get it, but Frankie Grande made a whole career out of being Ariana Grande's brother on Big Brother. He was Grande's brother on Big Brother.

Right. He was the little brother on Big Brother. Anyway, nevermind. Anyway, it's really fun. They tell you who some of the relatives are as the viewer, but some you don't know, so you get to still try to keep guessing. And so there was one in the first episode

that they all thought this one guy was related to, and it was very fun. And I was like, that's probably right. And then it's a fun thing like that. Okay, all right. Is this an ad? I wish it was. If they wanna pay me, I'll talk about it gladly.

Please, ABC, come to us. We'll talk about whatever you wanna talk about. We'll talk about the fucking rookie. I love ABC. I'm a big fan of the million little things as well. By the way, speaking of the rookie, I saw some article that said, it was Nathan Fielder is the king of cringe comedy and

I thought it said Nathan Fillion. I was looking at it going like trying to figure out I was like when is he gonna comedy? The rookie is not it what are we talking about? Dr. Horrible sing-along blog? There's a lot of there's a lot of cringe comedy in the rookie though. I and I love Nathan Fillion but I was just really trying to parse this and go like, why are they making this wild claim? And then it turns out you're dumb. Yeah. Well, the phone was far away from my eyes.

But I will, you know what? I recently read a headline that also shocked me. Nathan Hale? This was a headline about- Alan Hale? About a woman- The skipper? A woman who's an interior decorator.

And then it said like, her home is a fever dream of patterns. And then I went and looked at the walls She had three shades of white on her walls So she said I used three different shades of white and then I was like she makes pet things that are gingham and they're cute But it was like it wasn't crazy. No, right a fever dream. It's not like the Madonna inn or anything Yeah, there's so many ways you could have a billion patterns in a room I was like this is not that and she didn't claim to be that the author

I when phrases like that get so overused, it really, it's so, it's wearying. Yeah, I'm just like, oh wow, I'm gonna look at something crazy right now. The hyperbole is like, the hyperbole. It made you click on it though. Well, it certainly did. Oh, fuck. And I almost bought something from a website.

That doesn't mean it's a fever dream pattern. How close did you get to buying something? Really close, but it was a little overpriced and I was like, do I really need this? Were you hovering over the- I hovered over the clicker and it was a tissue box cover, which I haven't looked, but I've been looking for one.

Scary. You've been looking for a tissue box cover. Why do you not like the actual tissue? Because they make the tissue boxes themselves in these nice patterns. No, they suck. I like tissue box covers. We're a tissue box cover house.

I want it to look great in my room look- We're a tissue box cover house. I want it to look great in my room. I would buy a tissue box cover if it were plain. And I just haven't found one that I love. If it were like taupe or something like that. What about peanut? This one is, this one is, she makes all gingham patterns and they're really cute.

Nice. But what would happen is it would be a fever dream of pattern if I put it in my bathroom, which I would like. Right. Because I have wallpaper. You want that fever dream. I like that. Your bathrooms are crazy. can barely shit in them but I try.

When did you sneak in? Because that is creepy. I shit in every bathroom in your house I don't know if you know that. I don't know that it's actually weird because you've never been inside. Oh no you have. I think I went inside once. You have been inside. Does Holly miss me? Yeah she talks about it every day. I would love that so much. Oh my god. Wait, how do they test baby's vision? Look, I don't know, but he said they do.

That seems like they're just guessing. That might be a lie. Hey, hey, over here. Well, I think there's probably a way. Hey, he looked at a noise, where a noise came from. It's like, ah, she could see. You know what? I'll find out, because I'm going to do it.

You're going to do it yourself? I'm going to do it tonight. I'm going to look online how to do it. Now, I'm going to take her in. I'll take her in. I'll find out because I'm going to do it. You're going to do it yourself? I'm going to do it tonight. I'm going to look online how to do it. Now I'm going to take her in. I'll take her in. I'll see what happens. Are you doing the water safety stuff? Well, I know she swam for the first time in the pool.

She likes the pools. She likes your pool. She's done a few pools. All you retweeted that thing the other day, the video of the guy throwing his bacon pool. That was crazy. It's wild, isn't it? I understand why that's beneficial.

There was a bit, the comments in that thread, there's like just a debate going on. Yeah, it's a pretty intense toss. It's a water safety video. Did you post it or you just sent it? I just retweeted it. That's all I did. Don't shoot the messenger.

Don't shoot the re-messenger. I've heard it's. I hope people can see it on your page. I've heard it's good to do, but the other video underneath it is of the younger, the eight month old. Oh no. But I've heard it's good of like,

No it is good. They teach them to like get on their back. Teaching them to just roll on their back. Yeah. No, it's great. I think it's great. I haven't done it yet, but we've taken her, now she's been in like three or four pools.

She went to Lance Bass's pool, not to brag, but she also went- Why? What? How's his pool? Because I'm friends with him and I went to his house on Memorial Day. How's his pool? It's great. It has a great view. Why? What? How's his pool? Because I'm friends with him and I went to his house on Memorial Day. How's his pool? It's great.

It has a great view. Really? Of what? I can't say. I'm very dear friends with Joey Fat One. We're best friends. I see him all the time. Chris Kirkpatrick and I are acquaintances.

Well, that being said, she also went in the pool at Disneyland. I'm friends with the mummy. You can't say we would give away his location if you said what the view was. What is it of a... It's just a city. Of like, which city?

Paris, France. I've pulled out a hula hoop. No, I wouldn't dare to describe what I saw. It's like a eyes wide shut in there. So she likes pools. She loves it. She's very peace fed. Does she like baths?

She loves baths. She goes to bath every day. Does she like baths? She loves baths. She gets bath every day. Is she an Aquarius? She's not, but she loves the bath. She got the wrong baby at the hospital. And I think, yeah, so yeah, maybe she's an Aquarius. Did you read that, that, I don't know what it was a post on,

but I saw it on Twitter where it was a woman asking for advice on Reddit or something, saying, I don't understand what's going on, but we did a DNA test on our, my husband and I did a DNA test on our baby and it's not my husbands and I've never cheated on him and he's, he's very upset with me. That makes no sense. This is wrong. He's very, he's very upset with me. He, uh,

he almost wouldn't let me into the house, but he did let me into the house. Now he's letting me into the house and come and said, he'd apologize, but he's still upset. And I keep trying to say, I've never cheated. I never cheated. And then there's a, you know, there's advice, advice. And then there's a follow-up where she goes, and now I've take, now we've checked my DNA and it's not my DNA either.

What? The hospital gave the wrong baby. No! And then there's a bunch of people underneath saying like, I don't know what to do about this. This is why we either never let the baby out of our sight when we gave birth. We always like followed them wherever they took the baby or they have some sort of bracelet thing

that like makes a musical tone. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Hello. No, but I mean, they have, they put the bracelet on them that's identifying them. Right, I don't know exactly what it, but several people were like, yeah, this is why this happens.

This is why this happens. What? That is nuts. That's helpful. How often does it happen? I don't know. And I mean, why did they do the DNA test? There must've been a question at some point. Cause I don't know what it was about, but yeah.

Wow. Nightmare. And then they're like, Was it a dog? So they found out it was half terrier and her husband was pissed. Well, also this woman, she's like had the baby for, I don't know, say five years or whatever. Five years.

She's like, now I'm afraid someone's going to take. Right, cause that's your baby. Her away, but I also want my real baby as well. Yeah, it's just a fucked up situation. That's insane. That's so insane. Wow. But then the other family should know too,

because that's so. Yeah. But God, what are you supposed to do? What do you do in that situation? And then I think you have to live next door. If you're the president of the United States of America, what do you do? But then you'd have jealousy. If you're Biden.

Hey, jealousy. Do you remember, there was a Warner Brothers cartoon. You know, those one-off, they would do like one-off cartoons every once in a while that were not the main characters. Oh, where Bugs Bunny took the DNA test. He was not the son. And Porky Pig said, you are not the father.

And then he did a big dance. I wasn't gonna do it. You weren't gonna do the stutter? No. Have we canceled Porky Pig? Is stutter a stammer? Oh, that's a good question. What's the diff?

Well, Bob knew a stammer is more like this. Yeah. Bob Newhart. Bob fucking Newhart. Be fucking in. That is what I was doing. Oh, okay, great. So. Be fucking in.

So there was a cartoon where. Bob Newhart, famously Paul Britton's uncle. Oh yeah, that's right. What? Oh, I can see it. I can see the resemblance actually. And they have a very dry sense of you. And dry eyes, so they need artificial tears. Isn't that cool?

They need Dr. Rojas. Oh, Dr. Rojas. Oh, Dr. Rojas. They miss you. Is it Zunkle or is it Great Uncle? Zunkle. Okay. I don't know, because you're the one that's all. Yeah, you're the one who said it.

I just wanted to say Zunkle. I would say Zunkle. Zunkle. Is that your uncle? Is that your uncle, Paul? So this cartoon, a baby gets switched at the hospital with an alien baby. And the parents are like, well, I guess.

That seems like you might know right away. The baby is green and everything. Yeah. And the parents are just like, well, I guess this is our baby. And they had. This doesn't seem realistic. There were two babies, the alien baby and the human baby.

And they had little bracelets on and one said, boy, and the other said, yob. And all I remember, I remember dimly, the father being sort of perplexed by what the baby was doing, and then at the end, the baby is reclaimed by the alien parents or something, and I remember the cartoon ends with the father falling out of a building.

The human father? The human father screaming, Yab, Yab, give me back my Yab. What? And then he wakes up, it was a dream. That's so weird to me. Or was it because then the human baby does a weird thing? Wow.

Yeah. Falling out of the building. Yeah. That's cool. Like a skyscraper, he's falling through his death. This is a nightmare. Yab, Yab, give me back my Y building. Yeah. That's cool. Like a skyscraper. He's falling through his death. This is a nightmare. It was wild. Yab, yab, give me back my yab. Give me back my yab.

Yeah. Scary. Should we make three of them T-shirts? Yab, yab, give me back my yab. Yeah, sure. Well, it's already become our catchphrase. Is it in public domain now? I haven't said it yet, but I feel like I will say it a lot.

It's already our catch. Yab, yab, give me back my yab. Yab, yab, give me back my yab. Give me back my son. Oh, ransom. Give me back my yab. Yab, yab, give me back my yab. Give me back my son. Oh, ransom. Give me back my yab. My show. When we saw ransom at the-

Give me back my show. Get back here with my show. And we saw ransom at the Cinerama Dome. Were you there, Paul? I think you were, John Mata was there or something. I honestly don't remember if I've seen that movie. After the movie, we all were in the lobby and I think John said, give me back my money. It sounds about right.

I just remember that any time I think of that movie, which is not often enough. No, no. Yeah. I do remember when we went to see Con Air and we all wore orange jumpsuits. We all wear it because we were convicts. We all bought orange jumpsuits.

And we arrived together. Yes. And people were delighted, the people that we knew. No, the people in the theater were. Strangers were delighted? Yeah, yeah. People were not delighted when we saw Batman and Robin and we just laughed at how bad it was the entire time.

And there was a woman in a Batman t-shirt who yelled at us afterwards. She was like, you ruined that movie. His parents were murdered. Oh my God. All right, let's take a break. Okay. Hey, I'm Reshma Sajjani, founder of Girls Who Code and Moms First. I consider myself a pretty successful adult woman.

So why is it that in midlife, as I'm about to turn 50, I feel so stuck? Join me as I try to find the answer on My So-Called Midlife from Lemonada Media. I talk to experts and extraordinary guests about divorce, exercise, menopause, sex, drugs, and more to understand what we're going through and how to make the most of it. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. An Australian hiker travels to the American West to walk a wilderness trail. Wasn't afraid to be out on his own. But Eric Robinson vanished in the high Uinta Mountains.

I remember thinking, Eric, what were you thinking, mate? I'm Dave Colley. Join me on my podcast, Uinta Triangle, where I travel the world to answer the question, what happened to Eric Robinson? Follow you into Triangle. That's U-I-N-T-A Triangle on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen. Hey, you, wait! Where's my baby? Yob, Yob! Where's my Yob? Bring back my Yob! Yob, Yob, where's my yob? Bring back my yob. Yob, yob, where's my yob? Bring back my yob.

It's a long shirt at this point. Well, it's more of a night shirt. Well, you gotta- It's like an Ebenezer Scrooge. Oh, I love that. Let's bring that back. Yeah, and a big long nightcap too. Yeah.

It goes all the way down to the crack of your ass. Why don't we just do that, but have it say, freedom? That seems impractical. Can we make a really long nightcap and a nightcap and it says, freedom? That's funny. I think it would be cute. No That seems impractical. Can we make a really long night out and a night cabins is freedom? That's funny. I think it would be cute. No other podcast is doing that. No, I know it's an untapped market.

I don't think anyone is making custom night caps for sure. They go down to the crack of your ass. They can't go down, that's impractical for sleeping. That's impractical for sleeping. You just tuck it into the, you can strangle yourself. Your pajama waistband. It's going to get pulled off. Strangle yourself.

Oh God, that would be horrible if we made those and someone strangled themselves. Jesus. Oh, I remember when I was a kid, there was... This is before this shit got outlawed. This is before you were an adult. But there was... Yeah, before that got outlawed. There was a...

Do you remember the Micronauts? Yeah. They were toys. Were they little, tiny, tiny, teeny, tiny, hold on. Astronauts. The toys themselves were not as small as you would think. No, they were relatively- Not micro machines. Yeah.

No. With a commercial famously narrated by John Machida Jr. I loved how small those were. They were micro? Yeah. I mean, you didn't need a microscope to see them. No, but they were pretty small. But they were fit in the palm of a child's hand.

Interestingly enough, I think I had some, but the main reason I knew them is because they were Marvel comics. And they were integrated into the actual Marvel universe. And they were licensed property where now you can't reprint any of them. Because they would interact with the X-Men, stuff like that. They can't be reprinted anymore

because the Micronauts, other than the ones they created for the comic book, are not able to be reprinted. So it's like, and those are lost forever. That news ruins my day. They were cool toys. I'm so sorry. Should I call Mike?

Yeah, I do right home. That news ruins my day. They were very cool toys though. And they each had their own thing They had a lot of articulation points But I remember Baron Karza was the bad guy. Oh, he was like a this black and red dude He was very sinister looking but he had fists that you could shoot Oh, I love that you would like press it there was like a little trigger in his, oh, absolutely lose. On day one. But of course the danger was swallow.

And that's why they outlawed that. It was, I read that it was a Battlestar Galactica toy. Oh yeah. That caused that, there they are. You can get a whole set for $218. I mean, it sucks. Me and my brothers, we loved them. It sucks that you can't make cool stuff,

but it's even one child dying It's just not worth it But here's the thing someone pointed out that I saw this post online somebody pointed out that in this happened in like 1978 or something this kid choked on a projectile from a And lived but and so now that kind of thing is outlawed became a Nirvana, but we still have guns And so now that kind of thing is outlawed. But we still have guns. It makes no sense. Tons and tons of guns and guns.

Yeah, because politicians don't make money from little toys. Don't get political on the podcast. I know. I'm more like I'm in between. I like I want you. You're not a Democrat. You're not a Republican. I wish that we had in this country 100 guns and everyone had to share them. Yes, that would be great if you had it was like a library. And so I think you had to check it out at the to share them. Yes. That would be great if you had, it was like a library. And so I think that's-

And you had to check it out at the library. Yeah. And it was, they were in libraries. And if you keep it out too long, you have to pay for it. You have to have a good record of returning it on time. That's right. I remember when they started having CDs that you could check out of the library.

And I was shocked because I was like, those aren't books. And then video and movies sometimes. You got your ass kicked after you said that. But it was just shocking to me the idea that you could because libraries had always been for books. Yeah. No but they had records in the library. Well I mean maybe. No! Maybe! Alright. I think it's time for something called a threach. There's also maps and stuff in the library. Maps? Yeah. You could borrow a map and a legend and key?

Really? Maps. So you could check or were those things that are like, don't just check it out, just like figure out where you wanna go. I think they were just for reference. Figure out where you wanna go. What if you were driving? And let us know. Take a picture.

It'll last longer. So you could go to the, with an old Take a picture. The last one. So you could go to the library, look up how to drive to wherever you want to go. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because they didn't sell maps. No. God, do you remember the Thomas Guide? I was going to ask if you remembered it because I've heard so much about it. I had a Thomas Guide before I learned to drive because I was like, well, one day I'm going to learn to drive. Right. And by the time I learned to drive. And by the time I learned to drive. You sat there collecting dust. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

Wow. Yeah. I used to have to use it to go to auditions and it was so frustrating. Yeah. Like trying to figure out how to navigate LA with just- Who am I? Magellan? Hey!

All right, hit us. Three shirt time. Oh wait, do we have a voicemail, Kev? Kevin nods. We do have a voicemail. I love it as always our Our number is haha line poo So easy. Hey Scott Paul

Loin I'll crew pretzel gang This guy's a fan Had an interesting question Michael Caller I I'm sorry, my name is Michael, I'm from Kentucky, long time listener, and I'm a phone caller. I was wondering what the most embarrassing thing that you have seen someone do while walking on the sidewalk is, or maybe something embarrassing that you've done. I mean, we've all walked into a pole or-

What? I've not walked into a pole. But is there anything that comes to mind? I'm sure I have, by walked into a pole. But is there anything you'd come to mind? I'm sure I have, by the way. Okay. Huh. Interesting.

Hmm, embarrassing things I've seen him do. I mean, I definitely- Masturbate, take a shit. It's humiliating. I definitely, in Austin, when I was there for South by Southwest, stayed in this cool hotel, I remember, that had just huge, huge glass as doors and everything as the front of the hotel and I definitely like walked full speed right into one of

the windows and and you know of course my nose hit the glass two seconds before the rest of my body and just really really painful and this is in front of a lot of cool hipster people. And that was embarrassing for me. The sound it makes when somebody walks into a glass door is it's quite. It also like laughs at you. It's like, that would've been a hard one for me to witness

because I would have wanted to laugh at you, but I would have felt bad. I think I would have been trying not to laugh. But you're a terrible person. But it's hard because I would have just, I would have wanted to enjoy my day laughing at you But you're a terrible person who is just like. But see, it's hard because I would have just. Stifling. I would have wanted to enjoy my day laughing at you. Enjoy my day.

Because you know me you would have wanted to laugh or would you have been concerned if you had. I would have wanted to laugh pretty much whoever it is. But I think knowing you would make it funnier. And then I would be telling myself it's mean to laugh so I'd have to stop. Right. But I would have gone,

I just missed out on some really good laughs. Do you? I'll have to laugh at something I don't find funny later. I feel like if I didn't know the person, I wouldn't laugh. But if I did know the person, I would laugh. I think that's probably the difference. It's sort of funny if it's someone you don't know, because they walked full steam into a glass wall.

There's no reason for them to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you know them. I believe I've told my story about the great Sam Neill not being able to find his way out of tower video when I worked there. I can't remember. So the doors were two glass doors

on either side of those were glass panels. Right. And so he was leaving the store and he was pushing on one of the glass panels and was so confused why it was not, but he was like, how did I get in here? Not angry, right? Because I can't ever see him getting angry. No, he was not. He was very angry at somebody pretending to be him online. Oh really? Oh,

that's bad. Sam Neal. Sam Neal from Jurassic Park. You should, he's in the Jurassic Park family. Yeah, no, no, I know who that is. I thought you were talking about some old theater performer. Yeah, he's your co-star from this latest Jurassic Park. You should, he's in the Jurassic Park family. Yeah, no, no, I know who that is. I thought you were talking about some old theater performer. Yeah, he's your co-star from this latest Jurassic Park movie. Yeah, yeah, my big role. But we have. I literally was looking for you,

and I didn't even see you. I haven't seen it. I don't, but a lot of people have, Scott. I know. A lot of people have. I'm not denying it. She must be doing something right. I'm just saying it's.

But I haven't seen it myself, and I'm curious to see it. I'm curious. In my home, we have, I'm curious to see it. I'm bi-curious. In my home, we have, I'm bi-curious to see that. In my home we have, and don't be scared, phantom screens. Ah! These are screen doors that slide in and out of the wall. Oh.

So that you don't have to. I love that. They're like, what do you call that when a door, a pocket. Pocket, they're like pocket screens. Yeah, they're like a pocket door. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's more fun to say phantom screen. But they called that when a door, a pocket. They're like pocket screens. Yeah, they're like a pocket door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's for fun to say that. But they called them phantoms instead of pocket.

Interesting. Because you think they're there, but they're not, but they are. Yes, and sometimes you forget or don't know that somebody else has done that, and you walk through them, and it's alarming as shit. But they're designed with that in mind. To be invisible.

That people do that. So you can put, well, no, no, no, that people are gonna fucking walk through them. So you can very easily put them back into place. Oh, okay. But we- What happened with Samuel? He got out. Well, we eventually said, oh no, the door's there.

And he got out, yeah. He was able to escape. Yes. I just wondered if he was- He was in Livit Tower Records. I just wondered if he was still there and if we could go see him. Oh, I would love to.

I would love to. He's got his hands pressed up against the glass. I was thrilled when he came we could go see him. Oh, I would love to. I would love to. His hands pressed against the glass. I was thrilled when he came in. I love that. I was so excited. That was one of my favorite. What is there instead of tower? Is it still just tower video there? You know how the records is still there. It was a bank. The last I checked a bank. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Don't make a bank out of anything. Tell me about it.

You know what I mean? It's so sad that it's a bank now. Do you know how? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Where I used to live after I moved out of there, Cool Up and I were so surprised we went back to it. Were you lived in the tower video? I didn't follow it all. No, our old place. I don't want to give away the location, but. It was in tower video. We went back and we ate.

Suffice to say there were plenty of video tapes there. Yeah. We ate at a place we used to like. We went back there like three years later. And they had made two Wells Fargo banks across the street from each other. Sometimes they gotta do it because it's hard to cross. So you have to have one on each side.

Just the banking industry. No, they'll have a Starbucks side, they'll have a Chase Bank, a Wells Fargo, who's a what's it? Johnny Rockets. It's really. Olive Garden. They would never put two Olive Gardens facing each other. That would be wild. They would throw breadsticks at each other from across the street.

Can you fucking imagine? They have a softball tournament every year. Using breadsticks as a map. I do have $50 to Olive Garden from the game show we played. Oh, that's right. I have to go use it. Yeah, go use it. You have to what use it. Yeah, go use it. You have to what? Why don't you go use it?

I won $50 to Olive Garden at the- Oh, take us, take us. Yeah, well- I used to work there, you know. Wait, did each individual team member get that? Oh, okay. Not just you. And you were supposed to distribute it.

No, no, no, no. Everyone got 50 each. With food costs, that's probably, it's probably just for you and Mike at this point. At this point it is, but maybe the plan was to go with my team and all have our own. But then you guys had a massive falling out right after the game. You know what, I'll see if anyone wants to do it.

Maybe we'll make a lunch date. Maybe me and my team will show up there the same night. We'll treat you to some unlimited breadsticks. Those are free. It doesn't mean it's not a treat. Could you send some breadsticks over to that table? Yeah, we already did. We'd give them to everyone.

No, those aren't free. Oh yeah, they are. Well, there's unlimited soup and salad. If you order something, they're free. I believe that was. I don't think you just get them at the table unlimited. Who's ordering seconds of soup or salad? I know, that's the thing is like.

They give you a big bowl and then you can have multiple. Well, see most of the people, but look I have experience here. Defending it. Family style. Most people only order, they don't get refills.

It would be rare where someone. No you don't need a whole refill of that fucking salad. It would be, well the salad, if you're, if you're, because you only put one bowl on the table. If there are four people. One bowl on the table.

But then you can refill it and take it to the bowl. Add one soup. So we would do refills of then you can refill it and take it to go. So we would do refills of the salad bowl more than we would do soups. It would always be weird when someone would go like, I'll have another bowl of soup. I'm like, can anyone eat two bowls of soup?

Before another meal, especially. Well, it's like, what are you, Shrek? Most people. He seems like he would eat most bowls of soup. Most people going for lunch just would do the soup and salad stuff. Scott, I'm telling you from my experience, I'm not doing that.

And I'm not most people. You can't lock me in with all your other customers who do days of all the product. I hate to disagree with you. You're so much like those other customers. No, I'm not. You are everyday people. You make me feel.

Look, we don't have time to do a three-hitch. We don't have time to do a three-hitch? No, we gotta wrap it up. We gotta go. All right. Hey everybody fuck off Hey, that's the first and that's our t-shirt Voicemail counts as a three. Oh listen, I recently appeared on the Hollywood handbook podcast. Oh great my tramp weird drag And we they showed me some cameos. Can you get me on this and did I mention that I'm on cameo, but I am Yeah, how's that going?

It's still happening. It's wild. It's really wild. I want to hear more about that. I said that sarcastically. But they showed a cameo from Brian Cox of Succession fame. And he literally, if you have not heard the episode, he's literally just reading the list of things that was sent to him about the person

It's the most like the least amount of effort you can put into it And then at the end he says and if anyone gets in your face, you're telling the fuck off He knows what the people want. I think it's like six hundred dollars seven If you're Brian Cox, why are you bothering? $700. I gotta look at this. If you're Brian Cox, why are you bothering? Um, I don't know. It's for $500 a second. I think a lot of people would do it. I guess, but I'm like, maybe it's gambling debts.

Yeah. I was watching a commercial the other day and it was at O'Neill narrating the commercial for, for, you know, my Lanta or whatever. And I'm just like, he's gotta be one of the most wealthy people. Who are you talking about? At O'Neill. From Modern Family. Yeah, right. He does a lot of voiceover. Al Bundy.

And I was just like, Bundy Beach. Al Bundy Beach. Al Bundy Beach. Is this moving? But he's got, I'm sure he has like grandchildren and stuff. I'm sure his stuff is like- What, he give him a gold rattle? Well, while you can make all that money,

make it because you never know when you're gonna die and the spigots turned Off and you may when the sun shines, you know, it's like I get it I think it's you know, I think I understand that but I think it's also getting in the way of younger people Yeah, do these jobs who need the money and just voiceover artists who are talented and not celebrities one time I went to the Fox lot and I was entering a building behind at O'Neill and a bunch of other people and he did not hold the door open for me. He saw me and didn't do it. I think he makes a lot of sense. I partied with him once.

You partied with him? What did you think? Was it on set at Mary and the Children? We saw him in Hawaii, remember? Yeah, I with him once. You partied with him? What did you think? Was it on set at Married with Children? We saw him in Hawaii, remember? I saw him again there. It was after that. No, I saw a play that he did. And you stood up and were drinking in the audience going, Woo, what a great party!

Are you saying it was a taping of Married with Children? That's not a play. It's a great play. I think he was on Married with Children at the time. His wife, Peg. No, I saw him do Lifeboat, the David Mamet show, Lifeboat, with George Wendt and him and who else was in? Oh, a bunch of those Mamet, like, repertory people. Joe Mantegna?

Joe Mantegna was not in it, but a bunch of like the secondary people who will always show up is like all the cops in homicide and stuff like that. Oh, sure. And then I don't know how, but we talked to them afterwards and then they invited us to go to this bar to go drinking with everyone.

To watch George Wynn get free beer. I'm like 22 years old or whatever and we go to this bar and hang out with Ed O'Neill and the cast. And they were so nice to us as like 21 year olds. It was great. And then George went literally walked in a bar. He'd never been in. They shouted norm.

Of course he sat down. They, they slid a beer over to him. He was like, he just tipped his hat. It was great. And I got to work with George went who is Jason Sudeikis's uncle. That's right. That's right. And I got to work with him onendt, who is Jason Sudeikis' uncle, I think. That's right, that's right. And I got to work with him on the comedy

bang bang TV show and told him that story. He's like, yeah, it was the greatest thing. Yeah. Any bar. Yeah, and I also worked with him famously on Clipped for 10 episodes. Oh yeah. You famously did.

Yeah, that'd be the first full season 10 episode. He's a great guy, I thought. He's a fantastic man. He did the thrilling adventure hour one time. He's a great guy. And then- Mike had a fun bar experience with him at once, too. I'll let him tell that story. Yeah, he should everybody. Mike had a fun bar experience with him at once. Oh, really?

I'll let him tell that story. Yeah, he should tell that on the- He should tweet and go viral. On the spouse edition of Freedom. Yeah. What are we, we gotta do it. I know, this sounds like a next episode situation. I think we should go.

Could be, all right. Goodbye. Fuck off. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. ["Spring Day in the Life of a Child"] Parents, we know the childcare crisis is not just another headline. It's a daily struggle playing out in millions of homes across this country.

I'm Gloria Riviera, and this is No One is Coming to Save Us. This season, we're demanding a childcare system that actually works for kids, parents, and educators. We mean, pre-birth to five, full day, nearby, easy to apply. No one is coming to save us. Season 5 from Lemonado Media, out now.