Threedom - Threevisiting: Eye Bad Laser Good

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Threevisiting on the Tues: Lauren, Paul and Scott discuss their New Year's resolutions, getting blood drawn, play Word Alley Oop and listen to a voicemail. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It's morning in New York. Oh, God. Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin. And I'm Catherine Grady. And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us. Many of you've asked for our advice. Tell me, what is wrong with you people?

Don't listen to us. Our Take It or Leave It Advice show is out every Wednesday, premiering October 15th, a Lemonada Media Original. Freedom! I'm whispering. Paul, speak up. I can't hear you, Paul. It's fun.

Try it. We should all whisper? Yeah. Okay. Freedom! Somebody was scream whispering, which I think is different. Yeah. Lauren, you were scream whispering.

Yeah. Did you even realize it? Lauren, wake up. Hello? How! How? Hello. Hello.

That would be the greatest. Somebody waked up out of a dead sleep. Hello. Hello. I'm here. Yep. Right here. What's popping in the neighborhood?

We're back once again. Yeah, Lauren Lapkus is over there. I am. Paul L. Tompkins is over here. And that's what's happening. And Scott's over there. He was waiting for me to tell him. That wasn't happening until Scott was over there.

And then I rushed over here to sit down. Yeah, yeah. It's not all. Well, we're having fun already. We're the pretzel gang. We're them Threatom boys. Yeah, and you're our little Piss Pigs. Yo, we love you Piss Pigs.

Now, what did happen here? Our listeners said, we want to be called the Threatom Piss Pigs. We need a name for the fandom of Threatom, and they decided. They decided amongst themselves. Yes. And then brought it to us. And we, they were like, yay or nay. And we say, yay, if it makes you happy.

If it makes you happy. We'll call you piss pigs And so the piss pigs were born Yeah And they love it It's so weird It seems so insulting But they love it so much

We called that Yeah yeah Anyway so hello to our little piss pigs Out there If this is your first episode You're a newly minted piss pig You dirty little rat Oh Lauren we have been waiting

for you to finish this email You are composing It's a Venmo transaction Who are you sending money to None of your damn business. Well, it's going to be on Venmo. And I didn't finish it.

And I keep my business private on Venmo. I don't like that I can see other people's transaction. I don't understand my animal would want you to. I don't have anyone able to see mine. And that Venmo is like, put an emoji in there. Like, take it easy, Venmo. I prefer not to use it. And I, as I always say, I love cash.

But, you know, sometimes you need Venmo. Love Cash. Cash is king. Cash is king. When everything goes down, when we're off the grid, we're going to need. money we're going to need money cash dollar bills y'all i believe i still have all that cash that we took out of the bank when the when the pandemic started right casey wilson told us to she does send you a panic over and over again yes exactly stop listening to her got to stop listening

there has been no time she's been correct no offense casey but it's it from all the stories she will not apologize for either of those things great no well there's going to apologize for getting cash but you can put it back in the bank if you want no yeah now like where it is now, which is right by my door. You guys need to buy Dura Flame logs. They're going to go out of business. Get as many as you can.

Yeah. I did hear the formula shortage is coming up. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no. Something about the tariffs. Are you, but see, okay, are you stocked? I know you might have a subscription because I think Kulap mentioned one on the Yeah, so. And those were in business. Like Bobby, the subscription service was in business

during the during the shortage. though, that was one that people kept saying was available. I had to drive around to various Walmarts. We had a recall, so we had to throw three canisters away. You should have dumped them into Boston Harbor as a protest. Yes. Yeah, that's really disappointing.

And then all the babies who drank out of Boston Harbor suddenly gets sick. Oh, no. Oh, no. Not those guys. No, we had a recall, so we're going back to the old formula, which I got to say is wreaking havoc on that little tum-tum. Oh, no. He wants tum-tums. Yes, yes.

He wants tum-tubs. Oh, yeah. Well, I won't even tell you. Yeah. I worked with that person recently on a set, and they walked past me in the scene. Uh-huh. And smelled so good. Well, we could say who it is.

Okay. No, but we can't connect these two things. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, that's great. I'll just tell them that use of that. I told them. Oh, great, good.

And they said it was a leave-in conditioner. and I say it's springtime fresh. Would you tell her that I think she smells good even though I haven't seen her for probably three years? I think it's weird. Okay. It is funny though. That can, like a smell can take you out of something.

Like you don't think about that when you're on a set. Yeah. But it's like to find yourself thinking, that smells so nice. I'm not this character anymore. I feel too good. I like smells. I tell you that the, you know, the Delta lounges in the airports?

I've heard of them. They pump this frame. out at the entrance, and it was, it's the perfume of my ex-girlfriend. What? And I hadn't. I had, yes. Isn't that strange? I have no connection to it.

It's a fun name, though. No, but I hadn't smelled it in. What a choice, though, perfume. 30 years or whatever. And I was like, oh, my God, that's what she smelled like every single day. It was very distinct. Did you get hard? I was like, boi-oy, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Did you? I had to buy an extra seat on the plane for my boner. Like, put. I don't want to see. I'll turn away from the aisle. I once smelled, like, this was a few years ago, I smelled my first girlfriend's perfume. It was wild. Like, it just rockets you back to the past. Yeah. It was so wild. But I remember she used to, like, when we were, like, write notes to each other,

she used to spray a little perfume on the note. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a real dangerous liens out. Take out the garbage, asshole. This is high school. So why would my high school girlfriend be told me to take out the garbage? She's too much garbage.

She's on your mom's side. Go shovel the driveway. I definitely have perfumes that I've worn. Like, I'll go through a phase with them. And then I smell it. I'm like, oh, wow, this is 2018. I're like, oh, yeah, this is that time. I had one horrible person in my life from a very long time.

Lucky. Oh. Who wore the Abercrombie scent. And so when you walk back, In Abercrombie, it's very triggering. Yeah. Because they pump that shit out of there. Yeah.

Yeah, they do. Smells should be illegal. With Abercrombie, I get it. It's sort of like, hey, if you can stand this, you deserve to be in here. And if you can't, you're lucky. Why are they so dark? Like, why? You know what I mean?

Hollister is the darkest door on the planet. Hollister? Hollister is like an version of Abercrombie, basically. But I remember I went in there once, I'm sure I've told the story. I went in there when I was in Hawaii once and I had to get some shorts because I didn't have appropriate clothes with me for some reason and I like went in there and like

I couldn't see myself in the dressing room mirror it was so dark I could only see my shorts it was like they didn't want me to see the whole package like they're fine get them you couldn't see your package buy them I couldn't see my dick um Abercrombie I loved so much when I was in middle school

and I was allowed to purchase a few things from there which were very special to me I've never been in one oh wow it was it was I would say like 2000 that was like peak Abercrombie. Yeah. Amazing time. But, oh, there's that documentary about it where they take it down.

I don't really know all about that. I'm sure it's a horrible company. It's sad when a, when a store is no longer in vogue. That was so popular. But now it's, like, will they ever get it back? It's kind of, I looked at, I did buy a couple of things from Abercrombie randomly a few years ago where I was like, let me just see what they've got.

And like, I kind of had some fun going on the website, but it was a lot cheaper now. I only shop at Riverside Tarcasters. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I think even the. price was lower, but it was like the whole situation was like, yeah. Newly shopwear? Riverside Target.

What's that thing? Yeah, no, you have all of your Marvel sweatshirts. I believe this one right now I'm wearing. Oh, that's a nice one. You wouldn't. Longsleeve t. Do you have all your Marvel shirts hanging in a closet like in the line? All my, I wore one once.

Yeah, but how many do you have? You were the one that made it seem like you bought a ton of Marvel sweatshirt. No, I just bought a bunch of clothes. I bought that one. He did. I know. He did. I know.

He definitely, he let us believe that. He let us believe that. Fuck you go. Is that shirt. a raglan sleeve or a full long sleeve tea? Wow. Full long sleeve. Yeah, but I push it up like I'm in Little League.

I like it. Classic Little League. I like that cut. I'm a shirt. I do too. I like that the baseball tea. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I think that's nice. It is. It's a flattering cut. Should we play sports this year? No. Why? Why? What do you mean?

We should start a team. Are you interested in pickleball? No. Not anymore. That says you broke his fucking foot off. What if we started a bowling league? The three of a football. of us the three of us. A league. Yeah, you can join leagues and then compete. You said,

what if we started with? I don't think bowling for me is that fun, but is there something more fun that we could do? Polo? Yeah, water polo. Let's start polo. No, land polo. It's just horse polo. Horse polo. Oh, I have horse polo. I thought they had shots for that now. Do you have New Year's? Do you, are you doing that? Because this is our first episode after the new year. Are you thinking about this? Definitely. I have to get back into exercising. I put all the weight back on that I lost. And I've realized I have to accept

that I'm like an up and down guy. I was thinking that the other, yeah, I don't know. It's so hard because I like. Yeah, it's like, I, because you don't want to, I was talking about this with Ryan Rosenberg, um, that, Chosenberg, that, um, it's, you get to a point where you feel, uh, mentally healthy.

You're saying, you know what? I'm not going to beat myself up about this, whatever. But then you get past that point. You're like, I should have. myself up a little bit. But it is, it's that the idea of like loving yourself at any size or whatever.

Well, first of all, the idea of just hated yourself equally across all. Now we're talking. Welcome to my world. It's so much easier to attain. But I, like the idea of when, the idea of loving yourself at all is such a weird thing to me that I still

grapple with because it's not like a concept that I was brought up with. And it's, you know, it's like such a straint. But it's also like, Well, what does that feel like? You know what I mean? If you love yourself. And I guess it's just like giving yourself a break.

What? You need more BDE.E. Big Dick energy. That's what self-love is. That's what Whitney Houston was talking about. Yeah. The greatest love of all. This big dick energy.

BD. Yeah. At the end, she kind of goes, BD. But it is like. She kind of goes. She kind of. Nobody can say for sure. Did you say BDE?

I don't know. I think she kind of went. I think she kind of went, BD, but yeah. But yeah, it's like I want to, I just want to be like in a healthier place mentally and physically. Like, I don't think my health is bad right now. But I know that I feel better when I'm exercising regularly. So do you have like a goal? Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.

I do interrupt all the time, but I didn't mean to you. You didn't mean to that time. That's the one time I didn't mean to end it. Do you have a good goal? Like, I'm going to do this, this. this. You don't have to say if you don't want to, but... Well, no, there's good habits that I have had that I just want to get back into.

Taking a walk every morning. Are you still doing the walks in the morning? No, I've fallen off with that. But I, but I, I like going to the gym. Like I, when I get it, when I get into it and I'm doing it, and I get into a rhythm with it, I love it. I really, I look forward to it, you know? Yeah. But it's so easy to get knocked off.

When you're knocked off for a couple days, but I also, I just have to figure out, I want to get better at scheduling things. You know what I mean? I want to, be more mindful about shit like that so that I can have more control over my own day. Right.

And then hopefully not be late all the time and, you know, not get knocked off course with things that I want to do, you know? It's when you can get into a groove where you look forward to. I mean, when I've gone on vacation and worked out like every day, you know what I mean? Where it's like, I saw you on tour once,

maybe not a comedy camping tour, but I saw you in a hotel once at like Sketchfest going down to the gym in the hotel. I'm like, damn, Paul's really in the groove, you know? And it's like, yeah, I mean, for me, breaking my ankle and then going on tour and having the baby has just really wreaked havoc on me. And so now it's like going upstairs is fucking really hard with my knees right now. God, damn.

And carrying the baby, and I'm just like, I got to in the new year get back into it and just lose weight so I can just even carry the baby up and down, you know, it's just like. She's only going to get bigger. No, really? Yeah. Oh, shit, that's right. What? They go is growing.

She promised to get smaller. She's going to gain weight. Yeah. She did get smaller after. But her New Year's resolution was to gain weight. She did get smaller after birth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's not true.

Okay, but from now on, though, it's going up. From now on, really. They do, they lose weight. They tend to lose weight. Yeah. That's weird. And then you have to, like, get them back up to their birth. That's what I told her.

This is weird. You're weird. You told her that? Yeah. Scott, it's going to be her first memory. Yep. I remember my dad telling me I was weird when I was one hour old. What if you could remember every single thing from back then?

God, damn it. What a curse that would be. Do you think Mary Lou Hennard does? Like, oh, it was a Thursday. I sucked on a nipple. Ew. I remember I was hungry. I started crying.

She always just remembers the lunch. I was wearing a diaper. Oh, I remember which diaper that was That was the one I should eat Yeah, it was a white one I remember I was out in public But I was like, I'm gonna fall asleep anyway What about you?

Yeah, what about you? One of mine is to read more And so I made the goal of 24 books So it's to a month Which I feel like is reasonable I'd like to go more than that But I don't know To Jack Power amount

Yeah, I don't know if that's I don't want to overwhelm myself And then not do it at all So I'm gonna say 24 Okay And where When are you gonna read these? At how?

At least at night. And why? And where? And I guess I could be in bed or on the couch. Are you going to then go to bed earlier? Because here's my issue with reading books. It's getting the phone away from me. Here's my issue with reading books is no matter what time, be it 8 p.m., 9 p.m.

I go, you know what, that's enough TV or whatever. I'm going to go upstairs and read a book. I'm asleep within 10 minutes. Yeah. But that's also good. So I think I'll try to be more, you know, bring. And that's part of, like, bringing the book in my bag, if I have a few minutes as opposed to scrolling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We did a no screens in the bedroom rule. I did that for a while. And I think maybe I have to go back to that. We don't have TV. We don't have a TV either. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the screens.

Janie every once in a while wants that. Like, if we go to a hotel. Well, sometimes it sounds great. She's like, wouldn't it be like at home if we had a TV? If what if we had, yeah, could watch MSNBC at 1130 at night. I think it's, we could watch an episode of suits. It's maybe the ultimate indult. to have a TV at the foot of your bed.

I used to have a TV in my bedroom and I remember falling asleep to the TV and I just, I like it so much better without. Yeah, I don't watch that much TV since having a baby, but I did use to watch so much. And I feel like it's kind of better for me not to have it available everywhere I turn. Mm-hmm. But I love TV. Oh, you too. Yeah.

I love the box itself. Yeah. You just like to look at it. I like that there's so much lighter than my other thing is also more exercising and keeping my I've been trying to do more and eating better and all that stuff so just keep going how many push-ups can you do you know I don't know but I do have really like real arm muscles now really I'm like actually really shocked by it's just from half let's do those guns let's see those guns I'm scared I'm scared this is my um my I got blood drawn and they couldn't find out okay so you're not a drug addicts

Hold on. It's like, you're not going to be able to... You're hiding it behind the microphone. It's right there. It's right there. Okay. Okay. I mean, it's not Popeye level, but it's certainly not olive oil.

It's there. For having nothing before. It's honestly really good. Yeah. Yeah. He squeezed my arm. It did go down when he squeezed it. He couldn't maintain it.

And it didn't come back up. But it did. Yeah. But it was good. The indentation of my fingers is still there. Yeah, it was good. I don't tend to walk around flexing. Well, I'm going to do a cracker.

Yeah, you suddenly start eating, so now Paul and I have to talk. I remember a comic that we know years ago was on a fitness kick. Wait, was it Hagar the Horrible? Yeah. Do you remember what he looked so ripped? He was ripped. Twitch, I forgot this, by the way? So horrible.

We can in a second tier. So horrible. When, oh, both arms? Jesus. When this comic we knew, this is years ago, got into a fitness kick. He was going to the gym every day. It's not Caratop. And I remember, no, I don't know him.

Maybe someday. I met him. But I remember, like, seeing him at Largo and I think, like, he was in front of me and I was trying to get past him and I touched his arm. And it was fucking solid as a rock. Really? I was like, wow. I don't know who this is. I'll tell you later.

The answer, me, surprising. Really? Yes. Yeah. Because guess what? Not now. I do think the. arm, my arms getting stronger is solely from picking her up and putting it on all day.

Yeah. I don't think that's, that's, I, my, my, I do a lot of Pilates these days, but it's not, I don't feel like my arms are, like, getting really strong for that. And you put rocks in her pockets. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's smart. But she's, like, 22 pounds now, maybe a little more. She's 22 years old.

I thought you were going to say. I'm like, what? When did that happen? 22 pounds, that's my goal weight. Oh, my God. Can I just talk about my, my needle scars? Yes, please. I had, my physical, I got my blood drawn and blood drawn and blood drawn.

I tend to have an easier time on one arm than the other, so I, like, sent them to that arm first. And it was not coming out. Oh, did you drink enough water? I don't know. Probably not. I went to the doctor once for a physical, and they were like, just, they're like, you are so dehydrated.

We cannot get any blood out of you. They were like, go. We can't get any blood out of you. They eventually switched arms and got it. Yeah, they're like, go in the, go drink some water. Like now, we can't find the vein. We can't get any blood out of you. They just couldn't get any.

Yeah, they're like, you need to. I've never heard of them. They drink a little more water. It was coming and then it stopped. And then she's like, oh, it stopped again. And then I felt her pulled. It's bad. Do you watch them put the needle in?

No, no, no, no. I never do. I don't watch them put the needle in because I'm afraid I'm going to flinch. But once they put it in, then you look down. I never, I love it. It's fascinating to me. I don't look at all. It's so wild to me to watch my blood fill that thing up.

It's like, wow. Isn't that weird? Yeah. And it looks, you know what? I love that. It looks like a rich, beautiful red. Wow. I love the texture of it.

Yes, the sanguine blood of the innocence. Yes. Yeah. I love it. I love watching. I don't have an issue with... I also love if they say I have good veins. Yeah.

If they look at my arm and they say, oh, great. That's very... Your body's terrible, but your veins. I'm just kidding. Your body's terrible. You imagine getting your blood drawn in the nurse says, your body is terrible. I'm not here for that. Isn't it just insane that you just get one?

I'm a nurse. I can say whatever I want. I'm in the medical. It is. We should get more than one. I know. Unfair. It is.

I also think if you lose weight, it should never come back on. But what if you need it to? For what? If you lost weight because you were sick and then you needed the weight to come back on. Oh, right, right. No, I think it should be if it's intentional. Okay. It just sucks.

If you work out and get toned, it should stay that way. Yes. It just sucks that like a year was it. Yeah, a year ago, I was like working out all the time, gain a lot of muscle, super skinny, and now it's all gone. Yeah. It's not fair. It should not be like that. How can we get a whole second set of teeth, but nothing else regenerates?

I was thinking about that the other day. Your eyes should come in. Yeah. When you lose. Push the old ones out. When you lose it, one of your adult teeth, another one just should just grow right back. If I talked about my floater in my eye? No.

I have a floater. Floater of what? I have a floater. Debris. What? It's debris. I don't know. It's just a little, it's part of the gel of your eye can kind of come detached and be floating in your eye.

But I was having it where I couldn't see past it. And I was feeling kind of like, this might be bad. So then I, it was lasting for like a week. And then I went into the doctor and they took the pictures of my eye and you could see it, which I thought that was very validating. Because there's that part of the things are crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More than a floater is like in a doctor. You're calling me crazy, trying to gaslight me.

Yes, because it's like a semi-invisible thing. It's like it's not. It's actually a thing floating in the eye. They could see it. And then there is a surgery you could do, but it wasn't that dramatic. But they were like, the other option is you just wait and eventually your eyes will see around it. And I still see it sometimes.

It's really annoying. Yeah. I used to get floaters. I haven't gotten them in a while. Oh, my vision is so bad. Eye stuff is very scary. I know. You know, I have that.

I believe I've told you this. to have that like a sort of crumbly pigment in my eye that causes pressure and it could lead to glaucoma. So every once in a while I have to go to an ophthalmologist and get it checked out. And sometimes they will, if it's bad, they will zap lasers into my eyes. Wow. Just like, do you. Star Wars lasers? Star Wars lasers.

What does it do? And they make the sound. It breaks up the, um, the, uh, the pigment that's like collecting in a certain place where it's not supposed to be. So it levels, it's like so complicated. Like, they show me. the thing like we wouldn't understand it is that what you're trying to say yeah i mean i don't know how to explain i don't know how to dumb it down for you guys it's okay you don't have to just i bad laser laser good laser made good i bad laser made good all right we have to take a break

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And we're back. We're back. Let me tell you something. If you thought we weren't back, you were wrong. A little peek behind the curtain. Yeah. We don't just look at our phones during the breaks. No, sure, we look at our phones.

But we also, we also chat with each other. We're real friends in real life guys. We tell stories that you can't hear. Yeah. Yes. Oh, I should have told you who the comedian was. Well, I'll tell you after the next break. Damn it.

Um, how that, uh, do you remember Carol and Marilyn, real friends? No. Carol and Marilyn or Carolyn Marilyn? Carol and Marilyn. No, I don't know them. There was a talk show, it was a syndicated talk show and their hook was, let me look at this up. They weren't just the host of the show.

They were friends in real. I might know what you're talking about. Carol and Marilyn, real friends. Unlike every other hosts and co-host of any other show who hate each other. They despise each other, only talk on camera. But they, what was funny was as you watch the show, Their friendship disintegrated. You could see their friendship disintegrated.

Like, it's not working. You could see one. Oh, this comedian. One was clearly better at it than the other one and was like, I'm so mad that I have to do this with you. Oh, wow. That's so sad. It was on ABC from June 10, 1996 to May 30th, 1997. And it was an hour-long daytime talk of a ready show.

I watched it for a while, and I don't know. I couldn't tell you why. I couldn't tell you why. Interesting. They gained fame as the comedy. Fame as the comedy duo known as the Mommies. The mom that's right. Oh, that's right. The Mommies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is like pre-social

media. Yeah, yeah. They would have been huge on social media. Or would they not have? Yeah, maybe. Or would they be the, what were they the sugar babies? Who are the people who? Babies. Gamey's. Gamey's. No, who are the people, the tri-guise and the whatever babies? Oh, the tri-guise. They would be like the tri-guise now. Wait, there was like, was there like a woman's auxiliary of the tri-gies called the something

babies? Yeah, because the. The wife, I feel bad talking about other podcasters. But the wife that was cheated on was a something baby. Adultery baby? Sorry, dry guys. You've been roasted. Buy to read them. Gotcha.

Months later? We're waiting in. Yeah, we finally decided. We dipped a toe. We googled you generally. Do you think the mommies today would have been as big as the woman who draws the comics who hates her husband clearly? Wait, who's that?

There is this woman who draws comics, puts him on Instagram, and it's like me getting ready for a trip with the family and she has to do all this shit. Husband getting ready. Okay, I've got my playlist or whatever, yeah, yeah, yeah. But every, it was like every day, it was like, maybe your husband's a bad person.

Yeah. This isn't funny. Food babies, our producer Matt says. Food babies. Thank you all, producer. The only reason I'm, I know this is because of the very funny SNL, Brendan Gleason sketch. Brendan Gleeson?

Yes, from Banshees of... Yes. And from Lake Placid. Yes. And where he's trying to explain this on CNN. You see she's a food baby. It's very funny. Don't know.

This just didn't. Father of Donal. That's right. Your crush. My crush. That's right. What did you see him in? Was it Star Wars or?

No. He's not hot in Star Wars. What about in his Black Mirror? Well, Black Mirror is where I first was introduced to him. It's my crush is in that, too. Or maybe I was introduced in About Time. Oh, yeah. What's her name? Haley Atwell, yeah.

Yeah, About Time is one of my favorite movies. Well, to be fair, I have more of a crush on Peggy Carter than I do. Yeah. Oh, yeah. With the Shield and the... Well, when she became Captain Britain? Oh, my. Sure.

Yeah. Totally. I've seen... You've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it. No one can argue that you've seen these things.

Even if I don't weigh in, it's like, I still know what you're talking about. Yeah. I remember watching... And your life is better for it. In some ways, it is. I remember watching Angie Carter and seeing some comedians turn up on that? And I'm like, what the fuck?

All this shit I have to put up with for the way I dress. And I don't even get to be in any of these periods things. You really should be. Right? I'm ready to go. What are we talking about? I'll get you in there. I got a mustache.

I got a ton of hats. I saw something the other day. I'm like, why isn't Lauren in this? Honestly, I was. Really? What was it? The Lauren Lapka story? I'll tell you off, Mike.

But I was like, you know what? I have that question all the time. Yeah. I'd love to know more. But yeah. Don't know. Great guy. Don't know.

Great guy. Do you think he knows you exist? No. Did you watch? Is that good or is that bad? He might know I exist. It's okay. I don't need him to know I exist.

I don't mean in the general sense of like, yes, he knows there are seven billion people on planet. Oh, no. I mean, like maybe he's watched something that I was in. Oh, and weren't you in the wrong, missy. It's her salary. To wrong, Missy. Well, I did love him on that podcast that you sent me in this, which I have talked about on this before.

They were like talking about sandwiches or something. I'm not sandwiches, like food. Off menu? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're very funny boys. Not sandwiches, but food.

Yeah, it's a more general topic of food. Not restricted just to sandwiches. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, did you watch the patient? I haven't finished it. I haven't finished it. I actually am a little scared of that show, but I've watched like four episodes, I think. He's great in it. Yeah, he's great.

He's so good. And his accent is so good. It's so good. He's doing an American accent. Oh. Isn't he in Ex Machina, too? I've never seen him. He's doing an American accent in that, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I saw him in that before I kind of really knew who he was. Yeah, he's great, man. I love that movie, man. That was a wild movie, man. So it's fucking wild, bro. That guy makes wild movies. That guy's wild.

Should I watch it? Exmachina? Yeah, you definitely should. It's weird. They're both great in it. Oscar Isaac is great. He's like jacked in boxing during it. If I had known, don't know.

He does a little dance. I watched it a million years ago. Yeah. Yeah, I like Oscar Isaac. He's one of those people that I have a fondness. Do your moon night impression. Did you watch? Is me, mine, nine, any.

Marriage. I went to, I took a nap and woke up. I was a main night. Scenes from a marriage. I did not watch scenes from marriage because it seemed like a drag. Oh my God. I watched that. That was intense.

Janie watched it. And then when I saw them like walking off the set and stuff, or walking through the set, I was like, why is this happening? That part. really bothered me and I actually should like read something about it because I remember being like, wait, what? Your New Year's resolution is to read.

That's true. I'll check that out. I feel like it's like, what am I supposed to get from it? So they're actors doing it? Yeah. Why? Let me say this too. I actually don't understand.

A Jessica Chastain. Yeah. A person I think is clearly a good actor. Yeah. But I don't, she doesn't do anything for me as an actor. You know what I mean? I don't think she's bad. Yeah.

But she doesn't, it doesn't move me ever, you know? Like, I'm watching the Georgian Tammy thing now. If you watched that, you might have, you might feel, I felt that she was great than that. Did she do that? Tammy Faye. Oh, Tammy Faye, yeah. I thought she's good. That seems so fun to get to play a big character like that.

Yeah. And being like. Blah! Yeah. You know, something like that. That was good. Yeah. Oh, do you think I can play her?

Yes. We should all do it and see who's best. Okay. You do it. Okay. No, I mean, we should all make a movie. Oh, okay. We should each make a.

Emmy fame movie. Yes. And Michael Schoelwalter would direct all three. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Simultaneously. Yes. When he says action, we're on three different sets and we all have to do action.

When he says cut, we all have to cut no matter what's happening. Sounds like it might be a good idea. Yeah. It sounds like it might be a good idea. If you were in a biopic playing someone famous, who would you be? Who would I be? Is there someone either physically? Who are the ugly people throughout history I've been compared to online?

Honestly, what I was thinking. DJ Qualls. Yeah. No, but I mean, either. He's not ugly, by the way. Someone, right. I guess what I mean is, like, someone where you've said, like, oh, my God, her life or his life is so interesting. And I could probably pull it off if I would put it.

Yeah, I don't know if I have one off top of my head. Oh, okay. My mom would always say that I should be in the biopic about Gabby Gifford. I was like, why would I be the person who would do that? You look at a job. Why would that be me? Of all people. I would constantly be like, what are you talking about?

You look like someone who gets shot in the head. Your own mother. I could see you playing someone who got a bullet in their fucking head. Mom, why are you saying? Hey, take it easy. I literally was just like, I actually, I don't know how it would, it would not be comedic. Like, I'm like the part of it. I can see you being married to an astronaut.

Okay. That part. That part That part What about you, Paul? Paul, who do you want to be? Do it. God damn.

It's a really hard question Because it's like It could be anything I was thinking Also like the big main actors Like a Christian bail or whatever Will like pluck their hair Out of their bald head and stuff

Like totally changed their hair You know when he played Dick Cheney? I think what it is You don't have to look anything like the person Okay, yeah Yes Like it's just who you would want to do their life story. Right. You know what? I mean, this is not somebody that I admire, but

the story of H.H. Holmes, who was a famous serial killer in Chicago, around the time of the World's Fair, he had what was referred to as a murder castle. And he, like, built this crazy house and he lured people there, because people would come from out of town, and he would lure women there and killed them and all these various ways. It's like a very, very dark story. That's crazy. Is this what that book is about? The Devil in the White City.

Yeah, yeah. Wait, that's about that. It's about that and the World's Fair at the same time. It's a great book. But they just, didn't it just fall apart? Like Keanu just dropped out of it or whatever. Oh, it's been, they've been trying to make it for years. Because Tom Cruise was going to do it for it.

And I think Keanu was getting made and he just dropped out of it. So it's available. You should do it. Sure. If those guys, I mean, I guess they're done looking for famous people. Yeah. They saw all. They got rid of two.

Well, should I just tell them I'm open? Yeah. Like, just volunteer. Send them an avail check. A lot of its luck. If you can't get anybody, I'll do it. Yeah. But those two, we were talking about this recently.

They're very contemporary actors and I don't think it would have worked with them in that time period. Now I sort of feel like Keanu could pull anything off. I can take Keanu. But not Tom Cruise. No. You don't think Tom Cruise can pull anything off? Well, we were talking about this on another show. It's true.

What we could say now. Yeah, oh, it's out. Interview with a vampire. He's just ridiculous. We played the vampire. Let's start. They had to put like a horse accord behind him any time he was on screen. So people would think.

So they would think what? That he was like more of a Renaissance. Renaissance. Renaissance. Canada? Yeah. I would play. I'd like to watch that actually, now that you're saying.

You interview with the vampire? Yeah, have fun. It's, man, it's not good. It's not good. I feel like that was such a big movie at the time. It was. I think it was such a big movie. No, I said, I feel like it.

It was, it was a huge deal because these books were, these books were like a huge thing. And so the, the first movie adaptation, there was a big controversy about Tom Cruise being cast and all that shit. Oh, so that was a problem then. Yes. But when you watch it now, it's terrible. Okay. Yeah, I would play. People that said that was a bad idea.

Yeah. They were right on the money. Yeah. I would play Jesus of Nazareth. Wow. Oh, he's a great guy. He's going, I played Judas. Oh, I forgot.

I played Mary. That's who I'd be. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We should do the movie together. Oh, okay. I mean, they knew each other. I don't know if I'm going to do a full biopic on Mary if I'm also watching a full

one second. Well, we would do. This is like, do it Marvel style. Yeah. So you're introduced at the end of the Jesus movie. It's like, Mom, what are you doing here? And then the next movie is your movie. Yeah, I love that.

And then who shows up at the end. Honey, we're out of figs. It's Joseph. And that's my movie. Yeah. That's really good. So it's going backwards. So from Jesus to Mary.

Yeah, they can. Sure. Some of them do. Yeah. Okay. I like it. Iron Man came out before Captain America. That's a great point.

Thank you. I hope I'm right, by the way. No, you are. Because Iron Man was the first one. The first Avenger. Yeah. Oh, no. Captain America was the first Avenger.

It was the first movie where they were like, oh, these people want to see this. And then they were like, let's go to the 40s, kid. Hey, kid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The part where Chris Evans is small. It's so funny.

It's so funny. He's a little teeny scrawny guy. Yeah. And then he gets the muscles and he's a big normal guy. Yeah. Lauren, would you, if you were cast in like the wasp, you know, like a wasp type role, would you get jacked for it? Yeah. Yeah.

How would you do it? Whatever they told me to do. So they would have to tell you. They'd set me up with a trainer and a diet and I would eat and do everything they said. You would do it? And I wouldn't mind if they do that right now. What if I do it for you? You're going to do it?

Set me up. All right. If I have a cook, here's where it is. The idea of it being your job to work out where that's your day where it's like, you don't have to do anything else, just work out, somebody's going to cook for you. This is all taken care of. The cooking is where I really get stuck because I'm like, if somebody just made me all my meals. Here's what we should do.

Hire each other's chefs. Yeah. Like, I don't want to pay for a chef for myself. As a gift. But as a gift, I'll hire one for you. As a gift, I hire a full-time chef for you. Pirates a one for me. That sounds great.

I went over to someone's house who had a private chef just like, that's weird to me. Just hanging out and then making, like, occasionally they come by and go, I made all these snacks and you're like, oh, okay. And then, oh, it just seemed so great. I mean, it sounds fun for when you have people over. It's just. But then they're listening to everything you say.

It feels like a part of the family at that point. If they are. I'll tell you who it was later. I'd love to know. We'll swap. I know someone who has that as well. I don't know them. I know someone who went to someone's house where that was there.

Yeah. And it made sense. But it's wild. But wouldn't it take care of so many of the issues you have of like at 6 o'clock going like, I'm hungry, but we don't have anything in the house? Let's order three pizzas. Yeah. You know?

No, because then they go, no, no, no, I made you salmon. No, no, I made you this nice. Let's order three pizzas. You have a problem. They're small. There's nothing in the house. Let's order three pizzas. Well, you don't.

Well, you have some for a little. Emerald's eating a pizza. No, here's my. This guy. Hey, here is my point of view when you order from a... But set it up like TikTok. Okay. P-O-V.

POV. No, when you order from a restaurant and they... POV is used so wrong. People get it wrong all the fucking time. People on video. When you order from a place like Uber Eats or whatever, I always try to order, because you're paying a service charge and the tip and everything, I always try to order like three meals worth.

Yeah. So that you can then don't have to do it again the next day or whatever. You know what I mean? You just have left others for one. Like last night I got, you got salad delivered and I also got one for the next day. Yeah, exactly. Jersey Mikes? Yeah.

Hell, I'll get three sandwiches. And you know what? I'll get them Mike's way. Wow. But that might get squishy. Are we doing ads right now? Mike loves things to be squishy. Well, are we doing ads and not getting paid for them right now?

Yeah, it might get squishy. Wait, wait. Speaking of which, we got to take a break. I lost my train of thought. We got to take a break. We'll be right back. Looking for your next obsession? Escape into the epic world of Red Rising by Pierce Brown,

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And the easiest and frankly, way coolest way to put all its nutrients to work is with the mill food recycler. It looks like an art house garbage can. You can just toss your scraps in it like a garbage can, but it is definitely not a garbage can. I mean, it's true. I'm pretty obsessed with this thing. I even invested in this thing. But I'm not alone. Any mill owner just might corner you at a party and rhapsodize about how it's completely.

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We revealed all our secrets during the break. Yep. Did we all enjoy it? I did. Yeah, I did. I enjoyed the secrets. I enjoyed hearing yours. It's not revealing mine.

Oh, that's right. You didn't reveal anything. You were a little pained. No, I did reveal one to him, but I didn't enjoy revealing it. You just didn't hear me. Oh, okay. Yeah. Interesting.

Yeah. All right. So it's still a secret from you. Isn't that funny? I guess so. I didn't hear it. It's time to play a three-cher. Lauren, set us up.

This is the game wherein. No, I'll do it because I know who sent it and what it's called. I know who sent it and what it's called. This is Word Allie Oop submitted by Tim Ward. We've played it before and basically we just text each other a word. It's just a simple. And we have to use the word in a scene and then. at the end of the scene, we guess what word it was.

Yes. And so we're going to each try to make it. You think I couldn't have explained that as well? No, but you didn't know the title of it. You didn't know Tim Ward's name. That's true. Although I guess I could have just swooped in there at the end. By the way, this was submitted by Tim Ward.

You could have. Oh, I'm torn on this now. You know what? One of my New Year's resolutions was to apologize to Lauren Moore, so I'm sorry. Wow. Wait, from last year? Yeah. Or no, is your resolution this year.

Yeah. He's getting it under the wire. All right, this is good. I'd love to hear. More of those apologies as time goes on. Yeah. All right, let's play the game. So what happened?

No, that's okay. Actually, I don't think I like this. I don't like this kind of focus attention. And by the way, we all, I'm going to text Lauren. Lauren's going to text Paul. Paul's going to text me. Yeah. But we try to say the word as like under the radar as possible so that we, the, no one guesses

what they are. Do you think that it should be, that it has to be said more than once or no? No, just once. No, once. Okay. Yeah, just once. But we're trying to text each other words that maybe the other person wouldn't use normally so that they stand out. And you have to sort of like fly under the radar with it as much as possible.

Does everyone have their word? Yes. Yes. Yes. Hunt. Hunt. Hey, guys, it's me. Lou Reed.

Do you want to take a walk on the wild side? Not really, Lou. I know you ask us. You don't want to go to the Apollo? You don't want to go, go, go? I really, please don't talk about the color girls either. I really don't. You know what they say.

Doo-da-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do do-do. Hey, actually, I was just trying to pass by here. Excuse me so much. Oh, sorry. Hey, sorry. Are we in your way? This is my friend Lou. Maybe you know Lou.

I've heard of your songs. Hey, can I give you some advice? Sure. Don't lose your head. Even what you give it head. I apologize for him. I actually don't do that. I only bite penises.

Oh. Sounds like Valium. Would I help that bash? Is your jaw wired shot? It is. From biting a penis? It is. This is a punishment.

Do you bite like soft penises, hard penis? Like if my penis was... Penises would come on rocks? Let's not make it about yours. Oh, sorry. If my penis were softer, if it was elongated, would it be like something that would... I'm not talking to you. Why? I'm cooler than him.

What? Hey, where are you from? Miami, FLA? No one's cooler than Lou Reed. Thank you. I'm actually, I'm actually, I'm opening this store right behind you. I'm just, let me just pull up this big guy. Oh, you work here? Are you on the store? Yeah. Did you just say, do, do, do, do, do do, do, do, do, do, do what?

I heard what I heard. This is my shop. I'm selling flowers and just all sorts of things and, you know, surreptitiously throwing in a few little asides like gummies and weeds and things. Ooh. Do you have anything for somebody who thought they were a James Dean for a day? Do do, do, do, do, do do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. God, Lou, why am I hanging out with you? You are so.

I'm cool. I guess, I guess. Oh, well, yes, I do have something for that. Oh, yeah. You try these green ones. Ooh, let me try them. Good. $40.

Wait, I thought these were free samples because he said, let me try one. No, I said these are good and you should have the green one. Well, he said, let me try one like that. It's heavily implied that it's a free sample. You don't like him. And then I said, hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side. Do do, do, do, do do do do do do.

Okay, have we done it? Yeah. We've done it. All right. So, no, you have to guess my. It's impossible. Paul has to, no, no, sorry. Lauren has to guess mine.

I think yours, I just have no. no idea. I'm like, uh, no. I mean, I guess I would guess sample, but I don't think that's right. Mine was elongated. Okay. Okay. Now, Paul, you have to guess Lauren's. Loren's. Is that right? Yeah. Was your word gummy? No. What was it? Surreptitiously. I didn't even hear yeah. Yeah. I threw it in. Yeah. And you, I feel like you chose Lou Reed because of the word. Yeah. Which was? But now, but I was not paying attention because I was so thrown by your choice to be in the beginning. I guess wild is the only thing I can say, but.

Valium. Valium. Yeah. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. I like it. Got to admit flawless Lou Reed impression.

Hey, guys. It's me, Lou Reed. It was really good. And I didn't even get it right away, why you chose it, even though I gave you the word. All right. So now do we want to go the other way? I'll give Paul. The other way.

The other way. The other way. All right. So I give a word to Lowren. All right. I have texted Paul. Paul is texting Lauren. Lauren, meanwhile, is texting me. This is the exciting part of the game, as far as I'm concerned, where we're all silently looking down at our phones, texting one word to each other. One word, texted to each other. Okay. Okay. All right.

Gentlemen, there's an issue with the funds. The funds. There's an issue with the... There's an issue with the funds. I was doing our banking. What's going on with your outfit? My outfit is a... Well, it's the drawing of a suit on just a very long t-shirt.

Is that what you're having a problem? Well, I just... Like, it's really accentuated your body. Is that what you're bumping up against? It's just like all... I'm having a bit of... I don't really care about... All of your body is sticking out.

Please don't talk about my body at all. Please do not say a word. I don't say... Your foo... You're fired. Please tell me. Please tell me there's enough money left over to fund my Gregorian chant. Hello.

The money has been allocated and misallocated all over the place. It is a mess in here. Oh, no. I see piles of... Okay. Piles of money were they're not supposed to be. Okay. All right. So much is going wrong. And you are.

You know what? You're both fired and you both owe me 50,000. 50,000? That should settle it. Why? I have to chat. Am I fired for chanting? Does my intonation bother you?

All right. And I guess, Paul. Sure. It's either Gregorian or chant. It was intonation. I got it just under the wire. All right. Yours was misallocated or allocated.

Yeah, it was misallocated. I thought you gave it to me. So I was like, why are you telling you? Okay, Paul, you got to guess mine. I wasn't paying attention to you. Good. So I don't know. I was having too much fun singing.

Would it surprise you to know it was Fupa? Which is why I brought it up. Which is why I brought it up. You got to admit, I slid it under. You did a good job. You really did. You really did. I think that drawing a suit on a T-shirt was the perfect kid.

I noticed you tried to steer me away. I said, stop talking about my body. Stop talking about my body. I didn't want you to get to say it. I did not want that. Okay. I enjoyed that. Hey, you know what?

We have a phone number. It's ha-ha-la-im-poo. Yeah. And I understand we have a voicemail. Okay. Our producer, Matt-O-Producer, is going to find it for us. Matt-O-producer. And look, if you want to call us, you know, ask us for advice or something to prompt a discussion or whatever, we're happy to hear that.

Yeah. Don't just get on there and ramble. Like, try to keep it under 30 seconds. Keep it to three seconds. All right Anywhere from three to five seconds I don't know that he had one ready to go by the way He acted like he did

Okay good good good all right here we go Let's listen to it This is a voicemail Hello Paul Scott Lauren I got a little problem that you guys might be able to help out with I just moved into a new home And a small dog

Small black dog I don't know he is being harassed by the crows Oh, the local crows. Okay, these are an out-of-town crows? But I thought you guys might have some solutions to help me maybe get some peace offerings to the crows or, you know, something to protect my dog. I don't know if they're going to go after him at that. Well, this is tough because you can't just... I thought you guys might ask my advice.

Hey, shut the fuck up. Crows are incredibly intelligent and humans can befriend them. Yes. I know someone who was trying to make this happen. You should go online and figure out how to please the crows. because you can leave them things. Leave the sacrificial offering. Because I know that.

No, I think he's asking us for ideas to appease the crows. Rather than asking us to tell him to go online. Well, I don't have ideas. I have ideas, honey. Well, then good, I'm glad I talked first. I'm glad you jumped in there. Well, I know that you can befriend them. You can befriend them.

A good thing to, here's what I've heard is, if you are consistent with, with it like they like cashews right so you put cashews in a certain place but you want to do it at the same time every day so they always to be cashies they pick up on well whatever it is so they pick up on the idea that this is a regular thing yeah they get they get they get they you're their cashew connect yes they get the knowledge that oh this guy fucking does this every day great well he's coming here and then they will like you because they do have long memories and they can also they can befriend you but they can also remember you as somebody who they do not like Yeah, somebody memorize, they remember faces.

If you can find something called a crow box, which is a way that you can also make money from these crows. What? A crow box is essentially like a vending machine for you could put nuts, seeds, whatever in there that crows like to eat. And you can get kits online. And then they pay for the... What you do is you put some coins around there. Yeah. They put the coins in and they get their food out.

Actually? Yes. So then what they will do is, they'll go. they'll go fucking get coins from other places and bring them. Coins, coins everywhere. Yes. Wow.

And then you make like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what do you use the coins for? To buy more food for the crows. I mean, it's a vicious cycle. You put it in your bank account and let it grow. Yeah, you take a bunch of quarters to the bank and say, I have this many monies. Yeah.

And then you get a lollipop. Wow. I love that advice. You know a surprising amount about crows. I think they're fascinating. like the person to ask about this. Yeah, that was a perfect question. But also go on line.

I had something, which was Ask Paul. Yeah, and go on mine. All right, that's going to do it for us. Thank you for that question, whoever you were. Yes, please do not tell us your names. Don't ever tell us. We don't want to know the names. If you want to follow us on social media at Freedom USA, if you want to call us, Paul already said the name.

I said the name of the phone number. Yep. And if you want to email us a three-cher, FreedomUSA at gmail.com. Yes. And if you want to listen to old episodes we're releasing, we're, of course, three visiting on the twos. That's right.

And if you want to hear ad-free episodes, go to Stitcher Premium or CBBWorld.com. And Paul has already put his headphones away. Yeah, it's my phone charger. That's your phone charger. I'm just charging my phone up. That's all. I'm just packing my bag.

Okay, you guys are mentally out of here. Yep. Yep. Soon to be fun. am I physically. Thank you so much for listening. We love you. Bye.

And happy New Year, everybody. Every caregiving journey is unique. But the isolation, guilt, and exhaustion we all feel, that's universal. It's reality. It's life. You know, I wish it could. could all be happy and joyous, but sometimes it's full of rage, and that is what it is. That's why this show exists, to be a safe place for caregivers to land.

Listen to Squeezed, wherever you get your podcasts.