Threedom - Threevisiting: He Talks About Homies

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: The Pretzel Gang discusses rebooting Night Court and how their habits have changed in lockdown before playing Job Interview. Follow us on social media @threedomusa. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail at HAGCLAIMS8.com.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, All right. All righty then, says Jim Kerrith. The former president-elect Biden. You think Jim Kerr is going to join the cast of this now? No, he just said today he's not going to. Really? Oh, that he won't be.

Really? Really then. Why won't he do Really? Really, then? Why won't he do it? Smoking. Welcome to Threedom. We are, of course, the Pretzel Gang. We are the Pretzel Gang.

We're them Threedom boys. The Crocodile Crew. I'm Scott. I'm Paul. I'm Lauren. And speaking of the Crocs, Kulop, who has hated my Crocs, by the way.

Wow. And I've been wearing them... That's. Wow. And I've been wearing them. That's a hater. I've been wearing them around the house. Hey, haters, I welcome you. I love my haters. Haters are talking about me. Hey, I wished a new year to my haters, including her.

I want to wish a happy new year to all the haters, not to the losers. Sorry, you lost again. Wow. Yeah. But she, I've been wearing them around the house because it's been really cold and the floor in my office is super cold.

And they're so warm. They are warm. Well, these ones have like fur in them. Oh, that's right. Remember how I said they're. Yes. Yes. I kind of want new ones.

I returned mine. But she. I know. We're waiting for you to get your proper Crocs so we can take a group photo. I know, but I really have to like go through the website a lot. So she hates them and she makes fun of me anytime I'm wearing them, but she's now taken to buying charms for them and surreptitiously puts them on. That's very funny. So I have now on one, I have an avocado

dip with tortilla chips. That's fucking hilarious. And then I have a piece of sushi. She does this overnight. Like the Cobbler's Elves. I'm sorry, that's great. That's not a hater, that's a true fan. What are some of her burns on your Crocs? You know,

they're ugly. I'm ugly. My parents are ugly. That's unrelated to the Crocs, dude. Just sets her off. So how do you feel when you look down and see those charms? Well, they're stupid, but. But you like it.

I will say our friend JJ took an Instagram picture of her Crocs, and she has a lot of charms on them. And Cool Up was like, maybe I like Crocs now, because I think she's very influenced by friends who she thinks are cool. Sure. This is JJ Abrams we're talking about. Yes.

There was like a lens flare. We call him the Croc Master. Jessica's Crocs look really cool. And I don't, like, here's the thing. I don't know. I don't know if I have the proper ankle foot ratio. I have like. How much ankle do you need per foot? Like, I look at her foot.

That's a ratio I've never thought about before. Me neither. But Crocs are a weird shape. And I look at her foot and I'm like, they look so cute on her with those charms. Are yours too skinny or hers too fat? No, like, hers are, like, proportionate, like, in a good way. And I'm like, I have big feet, you know, like I, which is fine. And I accept that.

And I don't care if people want to hate on it. I think they're ugly no matter who puts them on. Oh my God. Well, they're going to say my feet. My WikiFeed score is fantastic. Really? Is that because you're tall? I have a feeling anyone who has long bones gets a better-

Am I on WikiVideos, by the way, or is it just women? No, no, they have men on there. But see, I don't know if you've shown your feet. I have to have shown my feet in some episode of Comedy Bang Bang, right? Maybe not. Maybe. Okay, well, I got Kulop popped up. Oh, great.

Are you curious? What's her score? Yeah. She's got nice feet. Hmm. Four out of five stars. Four out of five. That's not bad.

What do you need to get five? 55 total votes. Okay, well. 55 weirdos commenting on her feet. Of nationwide foot finishes? Can I just say when I heard. Only 55? I searched WikiFeet Scott Aukerman and it showed Kulops.

So that's interesting how they know. So one in every state. And the projectorates. And then four others in Texas. Now see, I have five stars, beautiful feet. I've got- Five stars! How many votes?

737 total votes. What? Dang! What have you shown your feet in? A lot of things. And on red carpet and stuff with like, you know, a sandal type shoe. Okay. what have you shown your feet in a lot of things and on red carpet and stuff with like you know sandal type shoe

they find them anywhere they find them wherever you put them and my wedding photo is here you know like that's personal but then my feet look good so you're proud so everyone go to wikifeed and give Lauren some extra votes throw some votes to cool up while you're proud so everyone go to wiki feed and give lauren some extra votes

throw some votes to cool up while you're at it give cool up votes and definitely don't try to fucking skew it negatively you know yeah don't try to rotten tomatoes ghostbusters yes exactly don't vote for the worst don't don't uh don't american idols should we see if pa Paul's on there and then Jane's going to come out? No, we shall not. Nor should we. No, you're not. I thought we weren't going to do it. I can't stop.

When one of the pretzel gang says no to something, don't we have to immediately stop? That is, we have to write down our bylaws. Yes. Who's the treasurer? But I typed in WikiFeet Paul Tompkins, and then Google showed me a tweet that you made. What? And the tweet. How dare you? Oh, I know this tweet.

It says, please put me on WikiFeet. I don't get how this is connected. What about WikiTweet? WikiTweet? It just has all your tweets. And they're beautiful tweets. Nice tweets. Wait, that's just Twitter.

Four out of five. These are beautiful tweets. It's some behind the scenes footage of me doing a cool voice now why is that connected to wiki feed what

it's from Threedom behind the scenes be cool again and I'll oh sure do you remember this I do remember this yeah

you're tweeting our voices Paul without our permission or consent they can sue you good luck I'll see you in court okay see you at court.

Okay, see you there. What time do you want to get there? Do you want to get there a little early at breakfast? Can we do it later? I guess we can. Is there afternoon court? I know there's night court. Yeah, they never talk about afternoon court.

Night court reboot coming soon. Night court sequel. Well, it's still a reboot, isn't it? Well, it's not a reboot because he's playing the same character, John LaRocca. Yeah, it's not a reboot isn't it it's a well it's not a reboot because he's playing the same character john larroquette yeah it's not a reboot it's uh i guess yeah it's not a reboot it's a comeback what do you call a sequel for something that don't call it a reboot not been on the air for 30 years i guess a two jakes it's a forget it two jakes it's two chinatowns here's my question and I'm not I'm not mad about reboots and sequels but I'm wondering if we

now I got that reboots sequels I'm not mad about reboots and sequels I'm not mad about it but

I ran contra sequel you know is this is this what happens when time continues and whoa

you're blowing my fucking mind and there are so many TV channels and blah blah blah that we have no new ideas so we have to go back to the files I gotta get involved in something that is a hit so it can be rebooted so I can get some money down the line do you know here's my

I don't know how I made this connection but when I read that news a connection is made we gotta say that anytime a connection how I made this connection. But when I read that news... A connection is made. We got to say that anytime a connection is made on this show. Every time? Yeah. Anytime a connection is made?

So we have to just infer that a connection was made. Not just anytime somebody says it, but anytime someone connects two things. Someone makes a connection between two things. Okay. A connection is made. Go ahead.

I forget what... Anyway. So I read the Boo. Go ahead. I forget what. Anyway. So I read the news. The news. The news boy comes to my door. Actually, a news happened. What is it, boy? Let me have that.

John Larroquette to make a Night Court sequel. I went to, I think because I was thinking of like, who's still alive? And so they're all still alive except for Harry Anderson of course comedy bang bang star the most best known for comedy and can I say star of night court like a central player

the lead I know but I'm saying like so it's interesting to go we're going to do a sequel now without this key person yes let's go let's make it let's sit around the character right the least amount of depth. Well, I will say John Larroquette won all the Emmys for it, right? He did win all the Emmys for it for playing a disgusting man. Yes.

Really? Was he perverted? I don't remember. That was his whole thing. He was a perv. I was a kid. You know, I didn't get it. He was like Merv the Perv over here.

I think I'm more of an Irv the Perv. Oh, that's true. What does this banner say? It says bright. Happy birthday, maybe. I'm more of as an Irv the Perf. Oh, that's true. What does this banner say? It says bright. Happy birthday, maybe. I'm not sure. We had a birthday socially distanced celebration for a friend. It says bright.

The other night. I'm sorry. It says bright. And who? There were only three people. The birthday guy, one other friend, and us. Do you want to tell us who it was? Bruce Springsteen.

No, I don't. All right. Okay. Happy birthday, Mr. President. springsteen uh no i don't all right okay happy birthday mr president so i thought what and to be fair they did give john larrakhead's character a little shading as the series went on sure you have to but still he was a perf um i thought what about a sequel bless your silly lauren lapkus thank you thank you for not sneezing on the equipment what is that sequel bless your silly ass lauren lapkus thank you thank you for not sneezing on the equipment what is that from bless your silly ass i don't know i feel like that's a thing that we said i i've said it when people sneeze for a while okay i don't know i would like to see

a sequel to et with grown-up and E.T. being reunited. And it should be called E2. E2 E2. And Elliot, it's like, it's like Cobra Kai where Elliot's like a piece of shit now.

Now see, Cobra Kai, I was like, I am, I can't, I'm so confused. Everyone's watching this. Like Mike was like

really wanting to watch it. I'm so confused. A television show and people watching? Hold on. I just was like, this seems like it's not for adults like i was confused by my brother was really into it and mike was really into it and then i watched it and i really liked it yeah i thought it was really well done yeah but i was really surprised by that like so i was

an example of one of the sequels that i thought did a good job yeah but i i think there are a couple in the spielberg, like Close Encounters. Yeah, what happened? Then that guy comes back to Earth? But then aren't all of the questions answered, you know? And the whole point of that movie is like, oh, holy shit, there's probably life out there in outer space and we all want to know,

but then it ends right before it gives you the answers, you know? Yeah, I'd like those answers. I've waited long enough. But I would love to see E.T. and Elliot reunited. What about E.T. and the Close Encounters aliens fighting? That I want to see too. I don't know if I want to see E.T. and Elliot.

They release all three movies at the same time. What do you think the plot is? And Drew Barrymore's in it? Yes. Drew Barrymore's in it. Everybody's in it. I guess, is Dee Wallace in it? Well, no, but here's what happens then.

It's going to have to be about their kids. Peter Coyote's in it? Like, Drew Barrymore and Elliot live next door to each other. Earth 2, Peter Coyote. And they have kids of their own families. And then they have... What are you... What I was doing with my thumb?

Was that a pro? No, what you said. Oh, okay. It took me a second to process. I think that's a Neil Campbell thing we would always talk about on the TV show. Oh my God. Remember when Neil said that thing

that was so funny and then I feel like I can never tell the story right. I know. It's about being on the balcony. The story doesn't. It was windy and scary. And I went back in after 60 seconds. That was when we were on tour, of course, and talking about how nice our balconies were.

I was like, did you guys go on your balconies? And we were like, oh no, I don't know. Did you? And he's like. Yeah. But it was windy and scary i think he just said yeah and then we had to ask him how was it scary and i came back in after six seconds

um so yes go go on lauren you don't want to see that and why is no no here's what i'm pitching what it should be so that i could want to see it. Okay. So it's going to be. This is how pitches work. Yeah. It's going to be Elliot. What's Drew Barrymore's character's name? Gertie. Gertie. They live next door to each other.

It's Halloween again. It's Halloween. She's calling everyone penis breath. That's her catchphrase. She's a single parent now, much like her mom was. Sure. Then Elliot's got a wife. Because she's been trying to no one will like you know, be as good as E.T.

ever was. When E.T. and her had sex. So then, that's so gross. And then. Some of the kids sort of look like E.T. They live next door. They live next door to each other. To whom? But she'll never, to Peter Coyote? Elliot and his wife and kids live next door to Gertie and her kids.

And there is a backyard that connects. Oh. And the kids play at all hours because there's this sort of safety net of this connecting backyard. How's it connect? That's how I grew up. Is it like a tunnel or? Oh. With my cousins.

There's a gate that they've connected. They've opened it. A connection for a gate. A connection for a gate. For a gate. Yeah. So the kids play it all hours of the night. Okay.

Okay. And what happens is one night E.T.'s baby comes to visit. E.T.'s baby? What about his baby mama? Is E.T.'s baby comes to visit. E.T.'s baby? What about his baby mama? Is E.T. still alive? It's like Baby Yoda, but it's E.T. Yeah, he's alive, but he's not visiting. Why did they visit in the first place? Do you remember?

It was exploration, right? Like a science crew or something? What if one of the samples... Hold on. What if one of the samples that they got, they realize when they're all out in space back at E.T.'s planet, is necessary to save E.T.'s baby's life and they need to come back to get more of it? I like that. We need more earth grass. Yeah, pot.

I was just thinking. We need medicinal marijuana. We need sativa. What if it's like E.T. A full body high. E.T. and his child have been separated and E.T.'s baby, baby E.T. is like trying to find details about the dad. Where dad was. And so he tracks him to his last known location. Earth.

And E.T. never took off. E.T. just wanted to ghost Elliot. It was like, goodbye. You'll always be in my heart. And they just like went into a cave. He's just drinking beer. Oh boy, that guy. E.T. just wanted to ghost Elliot and was like, goodbye, you'll always be in my heart. And then he just went into a cave. He's just drinking beer and eating racist pieces all the time. I only knew him for a

week. Talk about clingy. Well, if he stayed, you know, he probably would have affected how Elliot acted the rest of his life with all of his behaviors. What do you mean? Because you know how they were connected by their soul. Oh, yeah. So if he ever, like, you know ever got drunk again, Elliot would be drunk. Yeah.

Who got drunk? E.T. or? Yeah, it was E.T. He did get drunk. I haven't seen the movie in such a long time. He's home alone and he. Oh, Kevin. And he gets drunk and eats Reese's.

I like the part where the FBI agents point their walkie-talkies at the flying bike. I hated that they did that. That was my favorite part. I love that. It made me want to have a walkie-talkie. Man, I loved walkie-talkies when I was a kid. We were supposed to get some walkie-talkies the other day. Who? Why?

First, you were supposed to be in on this, but you ended up not going. So we all were going to Magic Mountain to see the Christmas lights display. I will say it really worked out that I ended up missing the ticket sales because I wouldn't have been able to go. Really? Why? Because I had a show and it was the timing of when you guys actually left. We left at 730. Also, it sucked. Yeah.

I was wondering if it sucked, you know, because I think. I mean, it was something to do. Oh, I love that. It was something to do and it was fun to go through it. It was fun if it sucked, you know, because I think- I mean, it was something to do. Oh, I love that. It was something to do and it was fun to go through it- It was fun to see you all. As kind of a group and goof on it and everything. I wouldn't have been mad if I was there, but I was curious. I was thinking about it this morning of like, yeah, as bad as it was, I will probably reminisce

about it and have fondness for it. I'm so glad we did it, but money-wise, yeah, it's a ripoff. It's ridiculous. It really seemed like a save our park, give us-wise, yeah, it's a rip-off. Oh, it's ridiculous. It really seemed like a save-our-park, give us $60 apiece for nothing. They did a little bit less than an average neighborhood would do. Like a neighborhood that's known for having a lot of lights. That's so weird. Watching the Great Christmas Light Fights thing, I'm like, why couldn't Magic Mountain have done that?

Yeah, that's a house. But they obviously didn't have the budget for it. But in any case, what were we talking about why were we saying this no no but why oh we were supposed to have the walkie talkies yeah yeah we were like john first was like we should get walkie talkies and uh be able to communicate with each other when we're all driving because we're all in separate cars but what what about like group FaceTime? Cool Up said it. Don't get ahead of it. She's the queen of this.

So then Cool Up was like, hey, we should get walkie talkies. I said, that was John's idea. He already texted it. So I bet he's going to do it. And then Janie talked about getting walkie talkies. Janie talked about getting an app. Is there an app that's like a walkie talkie app? None of us did anything. And then we were there. So then we FaceTimed.

We group FaceTimed. I'm sorry to skip to the end of the story. Here's what was great is that John started it and then did not have his image on there. So it was just a big square with his initials. It was just J-H. That took up most of the screen. Most of the screen. Not J-H.

But why wasn't his face there? J-H. Here I am, J-H, the ghost in the machine. That's fromH. But why wasn't his face there? J.S. Here I am, J.H., the ghost in the machine. That's from Brazil. His Christmas card was funny. Oh, I guess I didn't get one. I guess I didn't get one either.

I'm sure you did. Oh, no, it was me. Why would I get one? I thought it was just cute. But they put the adult's ages as well as the child's age. I tell you, there's a video. This is our friend Tall John.

He put up a video of his daughter singing Tonight You Belong to Me from The Jerk, which is so cute. She's singing for like two minutes, every part of it. She's pretending to play a little guitar. And going in by the light of the silvery moon, like segues and does a medley with that. That was very cute. What was really funny to me was then she takes the guitar and she puts it in the arms of a toy. Yeah, like you play this now.

Yeah, and it's like, what if you saw that in a concert? Like here. I just took the guitar off. Well, I'll tell you, Billy Joe did that at the Green Day concert. Got someone on stage and taught him how to play one of the songs. It was fucking great. If I go to a concert, I don't want to see anybody like me up there. Yeah.

I came to see. I came to a concert I don't want to see Anybody like me up there Yeah I came to see I came to see The fucking professional There's one video That I recently watched That was really good It was Michael Buble Having He was doing a concert

And then this woman Like screams out That it's her son's Birthday or something And he's there And he's a singer And he brings him up on stage And he's legitimately good

Plant Well I don't care If it was a plant. Was it the plant from Little Shop of Horrors? Yeah, was it Audrey Taylor? It was a plant. He's got a great voice. I'm just a mean green mother from outer space and I'm mad.

I once was a part of this live reading of that. Really? Of the Michael Bublé story? That story you just told us? That's weird. And we were listening to it? It was just now. I was reading that.

No, of Little Shop. Who were you, Audrey? I think I was. This was like a couple years ago. I can't remember. But like David Arquette was in it. How do you not know? I don't remember. Did you sing it? Well, it was a disaster years ago. I can't remember, but like David Arquette was in it. How do you not know? I don't remember.

Did you sing it? Well, it was a disaster. Oh. So that's why, no, I didn't sing. So maybe you weren't Audrey. No, but no one did. No one sang.

No one sang? Did you read the lyrics? I honestly can't think of how, well, it was a disaster because they, it was, As big of a disaster as when Audrey 2 ate the earth?

It was just this, this, this little performance that was supposed to happen. And it was everything went wrong that could go wrong. And the electricity went out right before it started. Yeah, yeah. It was truly a mess. The electricity went out right before it started. And then we had like wait. And it was this.

Well, I hesitate to throw it under the bus, but it was at a puppet theater in L.A. Oh, one of those many puppet theaters in L.A. Couldn't figure out exactly which one it was. And so then some puppetry was happening to kind of the weird lighting was right there. The electricity was out. And then we started. We eventually started. But then, like, the music was messed up because of the electricity problem.

So it was like a sort of everyone pulling themselves up by their bootstraps to like make this happen. But like it was just not. And then it was so long. Like sometimes these things, I'm like, why are we doing this? I was in a show like that where they served the, were you in this in the day the clown cried in Santa Monica where they served the cease and desist to Pat? Yes. Yeah.

We talked about this. We talked about it, but yeah, it's such a, such a sinking feeling in your stomach when like everything is going wrong on stage. Never felt, never felt it,

but just from what people describe to me. Yeah. Usually you're just so unaware of how much you suck. It's as close as i would ever imagine feeling to not doing well on stage i had a friend of mine once uh who was on a stand up but who was who would do characters and stuff like that and mr bean i yes it was mr bean who did characters these characters would not shut up. He did characters that were very adroit, and they talked a lot.

This is like Teller. Can't talk on stage, so when you meet him. Yeah. I bought a character so I could still be Teller. Is he chatty? I went to see Penn and Teller in Vegas a few years ago. And Teller, who talks? Penn.

Gillette. He lost his voice, so he was like, was crazy the show must go on though honestly it was wild okay what were you gonna say so my friend said i was telling some story about bombing doing a stand-up set and my friend said i've never bombed i don't know what that's like. That's insane. It is insane. And then I had this person on a variety show that I was doing at Largo years ago, and she did a character, and she fucking bombed. Did you say, hey, there's a first

for everything? Never brought it up. Never ever mentioned it. Wow. But in my mind, I was like, that's what it feels like. Well, maybe she's done that before, and she just doesn't know. She doesn't realize that's bombing? Maybe she's like, I mean, I've been in front of stupid audiences who don't get what's good, but I've never bombed.

Wow. Speaking of bombs. You gonna fart? I have nothing. I have nothing. Hey, isn't it crazy when bombs go off? Are you about to drop it? What? Hey, isn't it crazy when bombs go off? Are you serious? Or do you have a bomb you're going to drop?

I have nothing. You don't have a big bombshell you're about to drop? I don't have a big bombshell. I'm sorry. I have nothing. Are we done? Yeah, let's shut it down. Did we finally? We officially ran out?

We ran out of stuff to say. I'm sorry. I wanted to do a say. I'm sorry. I wanted to do a segue. I thought something would come up. We just had what I would consider a string of a bunch of new stories. And then you killed it for some reason. You segued to nothing.

Sorry, but I thought it would be there and just kind of ended up. Did you think you were going to come up with something? You thought someone else would fill the void? Well, I thought you guys would interrupt me like you normally do and I wouldn't have to say anything. No, no. But I just wanted to fill the... We only interrupt Lauren.

No. Oh, right, yes. Someone commented. According to one of our fans. So it's like, it's very kind, but very inaccurate because I definitely interrupt everyone. I've done it every five seconds of this entire podcast. Well, wait, Lauren, did you finish? What did you want to see

happen with E.T.? Okay. So what happens is... They live next door to each other. Shared backyard. So E.T. comes to Earth because he's trying... Baby E.T. And it's really cute. Baby E.T. Baby E.T. Baby E.T., he's really cute and he's wearing a small hoodie.

Aww. Did him living color ever do a parody and just call it BET? Call what? Oh, ET. Their parody of ET is BET. And he's like, talks about homies. He talks about homies. Is that the title?

He talks about homies? He talks about homies. I never even wonder what the title will He talks about homies? He talks about homies. I never even wonder what the title will be. I'm BET and I'm here to say it. But when I hear the title, I think, yeah, that was a moment. What? I said I never think about it while we're doing the podcast what the title of the episode will be. Oh, yeah.

I never really think about it either. It's all I think about. You're just always trying to say something catchy i'm afraid i'm going to for some reason i feel like i was making a newspaper when i was 10 or 11 because you absolutely did that i have this image in my mind of cutting out the weird cutting out cutting out the the ad for et out of the paper and putting it in my own paper? You stole the ad? That's such a fucking bad newspaper you made. And you're losing money.

They're not paying you. Well, now with everyone pivoting to video. Wait, wait, wait. Paul. I would tape a video of E.T. and put it on. You posted this week that you've done 40 episodes of your podcast with Janie. Yes. Isn't that shocking?

It's wild. Did you start like a week into the pandemic? How early into the pandemic did you start? That's a good question that I don't readily have the answer to, but if you guys talk, I can look it up. Now, don't you think that's crazy? When I saw that, I thought you probably never thought it would go on that long. That's for sure. that's almost a year what are you guys going to do for your

COVIDversary probably cough into a cup while Mike pees into it cough into a cup go to show Mike's going to pee in a cup while I cough into it I had to put my mouth really close

and whatever happens happens March 19th is your first episode that was like 9 days I think I started the 16th you started what quarantining

March 16th so you started it. You started what? Quarantining. March 16th. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So you started it right away. Right away. So 40 weeks. 40 weeks.

And that's as of this recording. 40. We're going to keep doing it. Odd grunts. When people hear this. It'll be 40. 40 odd foot of grunts. I'm sorry.

My friend actually just had a baby. And I think that means she was pregnant from day one of the pandemic. Wow. So they fucked immediately. They're like, get in here, baby. They were like, we're bored. What is there to do? I don't know. Fuck.

I don't know. I have friends that I've never discussed like having kids with. You might do it. You want to have kids with one of your friends? Yeah, but we never talked about it. I've never heard them express they want to have children.

And then they just had a baby. Oh. It was such a surprise to me. Yeah. Like a topic that we never discussed. Maybe briefly. Are they older than you were? No one knew they were pregnant?

They're a little bit younger than me. But. Are they older than you were? No one knew they were pregnant? They're a little bit younger than me. But like, so you're thinking, oh, if it's never come up, they probably aren't interested. And they never brought it up as she was pregnant? No, because they live on the East Coast. And so I didn't, I had no idea this was happening. Oh, wow. And then it was just like, hey, I just want to let you know we had a baby and sent pictures and it was so precious, but it was such a surprise.

That is a surprise when you didn't know the person was even pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a friend who had he and his girlfriend were chilling one night. Oh boy. Like sex? Was Netflix involved? They were just hanging out. This is back in the 90s.

Oh, so that, yeah, they were literally just chilling. Yeah. And going, I wish someone would invent Netflix. All we have are these videotapes. And then she's like, ah, my stomach hurts. And they go to the hospital and she has a baby. Neither of them knew. I'm sorry.

I was thinking about that the other day and how, because there's a whole show. I didn't know I was thinking about that the other day and how, because there's a whole show. I didn't know I was pregnant. Yes, right. You'd have to be so out of touch with your body to have no, yeah, denial. Just denial about what was happening. Maybe if I had to speculate. Bargaining. Bargaining acceptance.

Depression. To get through the point where you are giving birth. I could imagine. I remember. I mean, i know people who didn't know for like the first few months but to get to the point where you were in labor and you had no idea i'm like well first of all what the fuck are you like they sort of talk about it like uh my friend was like well we both had gained weight we you So then your period stopped for nine months. I don't know.

I don't claim to know everything about the female body, but you do miss multiple periods, right? Yeah. And you'd probably, if that happened to me, I'd go to the doctor. I'd be like, oh, I haven't got my period for eight months. It's a little concerning. Who knows? I mean, maybe they don't. Usually after the first, right? You're like, uh-oh, I'm late.

What's going on? There are a lot of people who don't go to the doctor when they think something's wrong because they don't want bad news. You know what I mean, maybe they don't. Usually after the first, right? You're like, uh-oh, I'm late. What's going on? But there are a lot of people who don't go to the doctor when they think something's wrong because they don't want bad news. You know what I mean? True, but that's a baby. I know, but like maybe they thought it would be bad news. You know, like maybe she thought like, oh. She had a tumor or something. Yeah, who knows?

But in any case, it turned into a wonderful situation for them both and that kid is 20 that kid is probably yeah it's probably malia obama holy shit well no it wasn't the was it yeah the kid's probably probably 20 at this point yeah it's also just a sign of like how much your body protects you like if a person could just go like, oh, and then they're just doing whatever for the whole time. And it's like, yeah, turned out OK. Like going on roller coasters. Yeah. I mean, who knows?

Yeah. Holding her belly up on the roller coaster. Listeria deli meat. I know. Well, that's the thing. You think like, how are any of us here? Because during the caveman times, how are any of us here because during the caveman times how did any of the babies survive but yeah it just I really hate to think about

cavemen fucking oh I love it come on you ever see clan of the cave bear isn't it gross thing about a cave woman do this or something like that and then the women have to bend over and I was just talking about clan of the cave Bear. What were you talking about? What is that? Well, it was a book and then a movie. My first girlfriend in high school, she loaned me that book and told me how...

I told this story on... This is what I like. ...Stay of Homekins. She said... This is how I like to be treated. This book is very special and important to me. It's beautiful.

I've never cried reading a book before. And so I started reading this... Not even the Bible? I cried out of boredom. Oh enough job we all got it bad job arguably the most interesting book probably it's the one with a plot other than revelations which is the fuck she made it out like this book was like this big important book i have to say i just stopped interrupting you i just was on um dan klein and robert padnick's pad padnick's podcast excuse me where they read the bible in robert's podcast robert pat robert pattinson wasn't it

robert padnick klein i don't know i't know. He's like a TV writer. Okay. They have a podcast where they just read the Bible from start to finish. And I was on an episode recently. How many verses did you have to cover? Two. I think they call them chapters. Oh, two. Yeah. That's what the Bible calls them too.

I'll tell you, it was really boring. Chapters and verses. Yeah. Sure. But then they apologized because my section was like really boring. Yeah. I mean, there's whole just parts of it that are just boring as hell. It's like fucking Silmarillion. Edit! Silmarillion, however you say it.

So this woman said this book was really special to her. This young lady said this book was really special. So I'm reading this book like it's an important book. And then I finally, and it was like a torture. And then I finally realized, oh, this is just a garbage book. And then I breezed through the rest of it. Oh. And then I had to act like, yes, this was beautiful.

Was it like a book report where you had to mention the parts that you thought? Yeah, she really quizzed me. Yeah. Who's Old Yeller? The farmhand? Farmhand? That was from a different show, Lauren, that you weren't a part of. But it kind of sounds like...

You were on your phone, so who cares? No, no, I'm listening. Just shut up. It actually sounds like what you said was like, Old Yeller's actually the farm hand's name. Like, Frankenstein's actually the dog's name. Actually, Old Yeller's named after the farm hand. They love the farm hand so much, they said, let's name the dog after it.

I always forget that that's a book. I've never read the book and I've never seen the movie. I don't want anything to do with that movie. And the whole point of it is just that the dog dies. What is the story of Old Yeller? Well, isn't it like Marley and Me where it's all about the love of a boy and a dog? And then the sad ending is that Marley gets shot where like it's all about the love of a boy and a dog and then the the sad ending is that Marley gets shot I don't know I read I'm more of a sounder man myself I remember that

that's what I read classic yes did Lassie make everyone think that your dog should have special powers to like because dogs I mean yeah there are dogs who bark a lot when you know there's a fire like my dog has some special powers mostly being being an idiot, but I feel like there's a sense of she knows what's going on. Yeah, I just would hate it if... Like politically in the world? Like she's protective, of course. And I feel like if I'm sad, she's aware. Right, right.

I would just hate it if there was a fire and my dog didn't alert me. Would I blame the dog? Why aren't you more like these hero dogs that barked a lot? Do your dogs sleep in your bed? No, no. We put them in the crate. Although now they like to sleep in the crate together, which is very cute. That's very cute.

That makes it better. Yeah. I think for warmth purposes, but also Molly just likes the house freezing. Well, to be honest, up there at night. Cold costs money. Unless Santa gives it to you. Do you keep it cold? I like to keep it cold because, yeah, I sleep better.

We have an issue with our house where the bedroom gets the most heat in the house. Why is that, do you think? I don't know. Because you're having the sex in there. Because we're having the sex in there. It comes from us, the heat. Kulab got me a heavy blanket that has holes in it that makes you feel like- Like a weighted blanket?

A weighted blanket, but it's for cooling purposes. It's knit, so there's holes so you can just put a sheet over it and feel like you're on vacation. I've got Mike a weighted blanket and he really likes it, but it's not like that. It's solid. But I sort of think that might be good.

The one for cooling, though, has the holes in it. Well, here's the thing. If Janie wakes thing is that if Janie wakes up before me, Janie wakes up before me. She'll want to turn the heat up because she's out in the house where it's colder. And then I feel it before I wake up so that when I wake up, I'm groggy. Like it really affects me.

It's wild that I wake up and then it's just in this horrible situation. It's like you've been in suspended animation in Alien or something like that. That's exactly right, Scott. That's exactly right. I'm like, go, go. I'm always surprised when you say you sleep in. I didn't used to. I used to wake up before her all the time.

It feels like you would be a rise and shine. I used to be. I used to be. Do It feels like you would be a rise and shine. I used to be. I used to be. Do you get that reference? No. It's Kylie. Kylie Minogue? Kylie Jenner.

Oh. There's this video where she walks in. Well, we've covered all the Kylie's. She walks into her baby's room and she goes, rise and shine. And she sings it. It's like really weird. But then everyone made fun of her. And then she copyrighted rise and shine. Oh, sings it and it's like really weird, but then everyone made fun of her and then she copyrighted

Rise and Shine. These people. Hey! Is that why she's a billionaire? This is not a helicopter by the way. This is a plane. It's a plane. We don't have a song for planes? Planes don't deserve songs. Sorry! Sorry! But so you now sleep late? Now I sleep late, yeah.

What's the change? Pandemic. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, so it was not even before the pandemic you were doing this. No, before the pandemic, I would always get up before she did. Always, always, always. And now I just, well, I'm also staying up later than I used to. Oh, on your phone, on the computer?

What's going on? I play my video games after she goes to sleep. Oh, that's right. That's right. What's that one that they just had to refund everyone? Oh, my God. Cyberpunk 2077. Did you buy it?

What do you mean? No, I didn't. I wish I had because I wanted to play the fucked up version. Why did they have to refund it? Because it was so bad or something? There were so many glitches. Also, for some reason, you can customize your character's penis. Oh.

I saw that on Dana's Instagram. Make it smaller? She almost got her account deleted. You can if you wish. Great. You can go either way. It was really shocking to see it. I was like,

Dana, why is that necessary? Yeah. Wait, Dana, my cousin Dana? Dana Wickett. Oh, Dana Wickett. I'm always surprised

by who knows Dana, so I thought it might be. I know Dana and we are Instagram pals. Aww. And we have twin dogs. I was searching for a gift for my co-worker recently and I was saying to Cool Up, I have no idea what to get her. And Cool Up said, oh, I'll ask Dana.

And like they are great friends. And I had no idea. Oh, and Dana's also really good at gifts. Yeah, gifts and stuff like that. We have to take a break. Goodbye. Oh, and Dana's also really good at gifts and stuff like that. Yeah. We have to take a break. Goodbye. Oh, okay. And we're back.

And so speaking of being back. Oh, no. I didn't have anything. What about backs in general? Well, I had something I was going to say, So speaking of being back. Oh, no. I didn't have anything. What about backs in general? Well, I had something. Pussies and cracks? Oh, my God.

I had something I was going to say, which is that I just feel like the pandemic has taken away any positive fucking habit I ever had. Like what are your positive habits? Absolutely same. Like working out, being outside a lot. What is it about working out that the pandemic has made so difficult? Well, I typically go to class. And it's really necessary for me to go to a place and be around people who are doing it. So I'm motivated. So people can take pictures of your feet.

Yeah, I got to show them off. You work out barefoot. But I feel like I really liked using the machines. It's just I don't have any of this stuff. And then that went away. I feel like my phone addiction has skyrocketed. Yes. My eating is worse.

By the way, I got, you know, those alerts every week where they tell you how much screen time you've had? Oh my God, I turned that shit off. I got one the other day that I didn't think was possible. It said, this week you are on your phone for an average of 23 hours a day. What? I was like, what? You never sleep? I was like, that doesn't seem possible.

You're sleep scrolling. But the average, maybe there was like one day, you know, maybe it like. There was one day you were on it for 62 hours. But then maybe I thought maybe my computer and phone synced up. And now they're saying, well, you were on your computer and your phone that's so weird it knows that i mean yeah it's like when i'm not on my phone i'm on the computer i'm watching tv and if i'm watching tv i'm on my phone like it's just there it all goes together yeah yeah and it's impossible well but when i get those alerts i honestly i have said fuck you to them. Fuck you. I said, oh, fuck you.

They offended me before the pandemic. Siri, fuck you. I just let myself do whatever I want during this time, but I don't think it's good for my brain. I used to read a lot more. Yeah. I'm sort of looking at the new year as a reset for sure. Yeah. It's a good idea.

Maybe it'll just, just the feeling of starting a new calendar year will feel a little different. I've always said like January 2 is National Get Shit Done Day because you get so many emails of people going like, hey, what if we did, you know, because it's like everyone's putting everything off until after the new year. But yeah, I think so. I mean, yeah. I want to put everything off till like February. Yeah. Oh, that sounds good. I was doing really good working out four or five days a week, starting in January.

During the pandemic, all the way up to my surge. And then I was on my back for a month. And then ever since then, I've been like, it's just so hard when you take that much time off to get back mentally, you know? Yeah, it is. So I think, but the good news is, is once you do it the first day, you then are back mentally as long as you follow it up like the next day or whatever.

So, and then you're just like in it again. So there's hope for us all, everyone out there listening. Yeah. Yeah. I just can't wait to like be able to do everything. I know for me it was,

I went to the gym. There's a gym very close to my house. And then in the absence of that, I, for a while I was doing walks around the neighborhood. Yeah. I went to the gym. There's a gym very close to my house. And then in the absence of that, for a while, I was doing walks around the neighborhood. Yeah, I did that a lot. Or walks around the reservoir. And then it was just like I got tired of seeing this same shit every day. And wearing the mask.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was doing like power walks as my workout with like weights in my hands. Yeah. But like it got- Pumping your little arms. I really did. And I was like, I don't care how dumb I look. Like I just doing something.

Well, it's a 10 out of 10. And I, then I just was like, this isn't even enough. Like this doesn't really. And besides, we're not seeing anyone

for another three months. Like let's all work out starting in January because come March or April, whenever we all get the vaccine, we can see each other again. We're going to be fucking ripped. A lot of people I know seem to be getting it.

Not a lot, but I feel like I'm... Are getting the vaccine? I know. Already? I keep hearing of... My sister is. Like, okay, so everyone has somebody. But she's a nurse.

No, and they're all health workers. But I'm saying like... Well, that's the one common thread. No, but it feels like it's happening quickly. Right. Like, oh, my friend's mom is a doctor. She got it. And my friend's mom is a doctor. She got it. And my friend's wife is a hospice care worker.

But I went to the doctor yesterday and I was all ready for this because there's no information about when any of the regular people get it. Like no one's ever said there's just vague things of like, oh, down the road. So I was all set to say like, all right, so when are we getting this vaccine? And he cut me off at the knees even before then saying like, yeah, this looks good. This looks good. And obviously, you know, you're not getting the vaccine for a long time. So I was just like, fuck. A long time.

Yeah. I'm thinking summer. Do you think, I heard Dr. Strange got it. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? And you wouldn't give it to Wong. But he's a medical doctor. That's true. And Dr. Druid? Dr. Strange got it. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? He wouldn't give it to Wong. But he's a medical doctor. That's true.

And Dr. Druid? Dr. Druid. Do you think Dr. Druid is going to get it? The Beijing Dr. Druid. Who's Dr. Druid? He was one of the Avengers as well. But his name was Druid, even though he wore like a cloak and had all the Druid accoutrement. Shit.

Yeah. His last name happened to be Druid, just like Doctor Strange's last name is Strange. True, and he's a weird guy. He was a really, I mean, he wasn't that weird until he had his accident. How funny is that Doctor Doom's name is Victor Von Doom? But you know what was even worse was

when they did the reboot in the Ultimate Universe, they tried to fix it and called him Dr. Victor Von Dam, which is even worse because of... Jean-Claude. Jean-Claude Van Dam. Jean-Claude Van Dam. Lauren, you have nothing to say about these comic characters?

What do you think we're talking about? I don't... I think it has to do with Marvel. Have you ever read a comic book? Yeah. Which one? I've read some graphic novels, I would say.

What if she had a pristine copy of Action Comics No. 1? I read this one. A guy lifts a car over his head. By the way, our friend Alan Yang was on Millionaire. Yeah, I saw that question. And that was the question. And he was like, only 80% sure.

And I wrote to him saying, obviously, I was 100% sure. Mike was in a movie about that comic book that never got released. Really? What movie was that? It was called Action Number One. And it was about these guys stealing this comic. Oh. Didn't Nicolas Cage have it for a while?

Yeah. Nicolas Cage was part of the. He wasn't in the movie. He wasn't in the movie, but they were trying to rip him off. Yeah, there's a bee coming up. Hey, get out of here. Hey, bee. Hey. Hey, queen bee. Is it gone? Yeah, there's a bee coming up. Hey, get out of here. Hey, bee. Hey.

Hey, queen bee. Is it gone? Yeah, it's gone. Are you lying? I'm not lying. But anyway, so he... Do you want to ask me again if I was lying when I said I wasn't lying? Were you lying?

Yes. Nope. Okay. But anyway, yeah, I've read some comics, but I've read some... Oh, you know what was fun i might have mentioned this before but i went i took my nephew to a comic book store when he was visiting la and we he randomly picked out a comic book that was written by scott oh wow that's right i think you told me that yeah that was like a couple years ago oh yeah and i said hey if you want i could

give him a signed copy and you said i don't think he'd be into that he honestly he was like four or five right right i didn't know when you said your nephew, I don't think he'd be into that. He honestly, he was like four or five. Right, right. I didn't, when you said your nephew, I thought it was like a 12-year-old or whatever. Yeah, he didn't understand that anything was happening.

Yeah, but that's cool. He ate the comic book. But now he might want it. That was the Spider-Man Deadpool? Was that what it was? Yeah. Because it had a picture of both of them

and they're cool. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, Deadpool, he's very irreverent. He's a little too irreverent for me. My issue is essentially him renouncing his ways and going to church and atoning for his sins.

That's what I like to hear. Yes. I told you about my mom when she saw the movie Flight. What's Flight? Flight was a Denzel Washington movie where he's an alcoholic. I'm drunk right now. And he's an alcoholic, but a great pilot a great plane pilot and he like saves everyone on board in a crazy fucking yeah but they find out he was drunk

during it and so he goes to trial and all this and you gotta let him off the hook for that one and the very the very uh uh and he just keeps on backsliding and uh when he's supposed to go to court they lock him in a room without any alcohol. And he figures out how to get into the adjoining hotel room. And there's like a whole refrigerator full of alcohol and cut to the next day. Every bottle. He drank every bottle and he's drunk. Anyway, so at the very end, he goes to prison and he like gets his shit together.

And he becomes, you know he becomes a Bible minister. A Bible man. A Bible man in prison. So I thought my parents would like it. Is that a true story? I don't even know. Here's the thing. People should not be making movies about the past unless they're true stories.

It takes place in the past? Because I'm always fooled into thinking, oh, this must be a true story. Like The Queen's Gambit. Right. I thought it was a true story. I'm interested. Same thing with, what's her name? Apprentice. What was it? A novel based on Sapphire. Push. Push, but what is

her name in it? Precious. Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire, yes. Go the whole movie thinking it's a true story, because how can this many bad things happen to a fake person? Why would you make up so many horrible things to happen to someone? And you're like, I'm crying

during Precious because it's like this poor person that they based the thing on and then you find out it's all fake. It's like it's just a writer playing God. That movie, like I feel like I've told this, but I went to see that with my sister in law and we like first were getting to know this, but I went to see that with my sister-in-law. And we, like, first were getting to know each other.

And we went to see Precious by ourselves. And that movie was like a... Did you do the popcorn trick? That's so sick because I was going to say the part with Monique, like... Oh, yeah. So fucking gross. And so it's a weird movie to like get to know someone yeah because you're sitting there watching monique make her daughter yeah it's like a monique and mariah carey movie you think it's gonna be fun i never saw it yeah because people

told me about it and i was like you should watch it tonight so anyway so flight i i asked my parents i go hey did you like flight? Thinking it would be up their alley. And my mom's like, oh, that movie was terrible. I'm like, why? And she goes, he just kept doing all these terrible things. I go, but at the end, he like finds God and puts his life together. She goes, he couldn't do that in minute five? Yeah.

he couldn't do that in minute five. Yeah. She wanted to be a TikTok where he drank and then holds a Bible. It's a pretty funny TikTok. But I guess when you watch something and people are just making bad decisions, that is one thing about like watching the flight attendant, like just watching someone make the worst decisions is very frustrating as a viewer yes so i can understand when uncut gems and people were like that movie made me so anxious i'm like it's fake it's all fake i didn't like how people were like

i could i was so anxious watching i was like what's your perfect life that this movie made you anxious we all know it's adam sandler it's like it's a fucking movie? What's your perfect life that this movie made you anxious? We all know it's Adam Sandler. It's a movie. It's like he's right there up on the screen. I don't know. There was something about everyone saying that they couldn't handle it. Yeah.

And I was like, what are you talking about? I watched it. I thought it was, yeah, it's intense, you know? Yeah. But it's a movie. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, at any point, you can look slightly to the left or the right and see there's a

wall next to you. Just get on your phone for five minutes. You'll calm down. Movie going with Scott, Paul, and Lauren. This should be our review show. If a movie makes you happy or sad, you're stupid. It's fake. Just look at your phone.

No, happy and sad, I'm fine with. Just look at your phone. But everyone acting like they couldn't get through Unut gems because it was like so where did you watch it did you watch it at home yeah well there you go you think that you know what big screen on a big screen when you can't be on your phone these giants they're going through so many trials and tribulations he's trying to or cut off it the chest I just like that movie a lot But I didn't leave going Leave my couch

I couldn't calm down The whole time Here's pandemic tips Anytime you're done watching anything leave your couch It makes you feel like you went somewhere Exactly Every time you do anything leave Yes any task anytime you

anytime you enter a room say hi i'm back all right we have to take a break we'll be right back and we're back and we're better than ever and it's time for a three-tier And we're better than ever. And it's time for a three-ture, and that's better than ever. This was submitted to us by Angela Vivequa. Angela Vivequa? I hope I'm number one. Livewater? Livewater.

The angel of Livewater. The angel of Livewater. A Hallmark original i don't want to be an angel anymore it's too stressful i'm moving back to my hometown of live water no angel has ever drunk this live water and become a human being it's like splash essentially it's like splash essentially um this is job interview and angela i've been looking at lauren we both have sunglasses on and then i realized she's not looking at me but her head is angled to the point where it looks like she's looking at me so that i was just staring at her you

fucking weirdo yeah i never said otherwise i'm a weirdo with a perf you're a weirdo you're a perv you need to stop looking at me i'm a weirdo i'm're a perv. You need to stop looking at me. I'm a weirdo. I'm a perv. I like the look of people. I'm a people watcher. It's gross. This is called Job Interview. Okay. One player is the boss interviewing the other two players who are rivals for a job opening. The boss makes up the job and the qualifications and the interviewees improvise answers to the questions.

Okay. And I don't know who wins. The, the listener, obviously. The boss decides who gets the job. Okay, great.

So you're the boss, Lauren. Me? Okay. And Paul and I are the applicants. The rivals. Yes. So I'll,

I'll kind of get you into my office and then we'll discuss what the job is. Okay. Are you here for the job interview? I'm, yeah. Oh, are you, I guess they and then we'll discuss what the job is. Okay. Are you here for the job interview? I'm, yeah. Oh, me too. I guess they must be doing this one after the other. I hope they're not doing this at the exact same time. That would be so weird.

Anyway, good luck, man. Good luck to you too. Yeah. Chode and Bode. I'm Chode. Hi, Bode. Come on in. Which one?

Both of you. At the same time? Yes. So what's going to happen right now is that I'm going to aim to be both of you because I don't have much time. I actually have a very tight schedule because I have to go. Where are you going? This is none of your business, and that's a thing against you. Hey, you're the boss.

Thank you. But I wouldn't have to know where you're going if I get this job? You would not in this instance have to know where I'm going because you're not going to work here right now. Hey, you're the boss. Thank you so much. I like this guy. What's your name again? Bode.

I'm Chode. I remember that one. Okay, I got a couple questions to start off. And Chode, for one, can you- Two at the same time? Chode, get another ding. Chode, are you at the same time? Chode get another ding Chode are you aware? How many dings before I get the job? It's not

This is a ding based system Dings are negative. What? Am I getting any pro dings? You're getting dongs and they're working in your favor but usually I don't tell you about the dongs Chode wants dongs. Good policy Thank you. Thank you dong So Chode you're not getting dongs.

You're going to get dings because you're fucking annoying. So I'm going to ask a couple questions. Look, I don't like to be talked to like that from a boss. Do you like to get a paycheck every week? Yeah. Hey, dude. I mean, I want this job, but you're doing a bad job here.

Well, I mean, this is... I haven't even gotten my first question. Okay. The first question is as follows. Okay. So obviously you're both applying to I'm looking at both your resumes here and you're both applying. God, what are you doing? What are you saying?

It's pronounced resume. What is? Why are you the word that you said? Resume. You are. Okay. So you're both applying here to be shit scoopers for my toilet. Yes.

That's correct. I don't like to flush. I don't like my shit to be scooped out and put into a bucket. I read that ad in the paper. It made perfect sense to me. Then you want the bucket to be taken, and this would be a different person. You would hand the bucket to another person who would then take it and put it into a plant container. I thought I was applying for that job.

You didn't. Maybe you could hire both of us. You didn't. Because I would prefer the latter job. The first question is as follows. Let's say my poop wasn't exactly what you expected. Would you A? Oh, it's multiple choice.

This will be easy. Would you A? I guess C it's multiple choice phew this will be easy would you a i guess c on every multiple choice would you a yep tell your co-worker and you just said you would get c talk negatively about my body okay b it's not your body is what comes out of your body but go ahead b would you um just do with it what you're supposed to or c fill in the blank c definitely c okay so what's your answer i'd fill in the blank what do you mean what do you mean you're the one who said c fill in the blank you have to fill in the blank oh shit chode it's not going well i don't want want this job. I want the other job. Okay.

Why do you want the other job so bad? I love planters. I love being around them. I love being outdoors. I love being in nature. I love the smell of poop. And Bode, what do you want so bad?

I want to fulfill my potential as someone who can scoop shit out of a toilet. Okay. Charlie, why don't you step to the side for a second? I'm going to just ask Bode a question.

Okay, sure. Just right over here? Yeah, just a bit further. How far do you want? We're not to the door, but still look at us. Bode? Yes, sir. Ma'am?

Ma'am. Bode, how much do you want to be paid? A, $11 an hour. B, $2 an hour. B, $2 an hour. C, fill in the blank. I'd like to say C, fill in the blank. And I'd like to fill in the blank with whatever you think is fair. I think $2 is fair.

All right. And then hopefully, if you like the job that I do, maybe I can get a raise. Because to be fair, I only shit twice a day, Max. Of course. Okay. You're very normal. And you're not going to spend an hour scooping it. You're going to be paid hourly, but it's not going to be an hour.

Oh, so if I don't fill an hour, then I don't get paid the $2. Exactly. I see. Huh. Okay. Do you still want me over here? I don't want you anywhere. Hey, I'm back. It's Chode, baby. Huh. Okay. Do you still want me over here? I don't want you anywhere. You know.

Hey, I'm back. It's Chode, baby. Okay, so apparently Chode went to the vending machine and got all the snacks out. How'd you do that? I just tipped it over and shake, shake, shake. Shake those snack-ays. That's innovative. Shake those snack-ays.

Yeah. I know what I'm doing. And I could do the same with your buckets. I also went past a bakery one time and I smashed the window with a hammer and took all the cakes out if that's the kind of thing you think is good. You got the job. Thank you. Bode. Whoa.

She was looking at me. Whoa. I don't care who she was looking at. Her sunglasses. I can't even tell. My eyes. She's really cool. I don't want to show you my eyes, but you wouldn't have known who I was looking at. Come on, just show us. All right. Oh, God.

They're like tiny mouths. Farting mouths. This is like one time I saw a TV show. I think it was Jenny Jones. She had an afternoon talk show, and she had Sheila E on the show, and Sheila E was wearing sunglasses, and they were taking questions from the audience and someone said, could you lower your sunglasses so we could see your eyes? And she demurred many times and then the person would not let it go. And so she finally had to lower her sunglasses and her eyes looked very baggy

and tired. And I remember thinking, why wouldn't they just let her keep her sunglasses on? She obviously wanted to have the sunglasses on. If somebody does that for a reason. Especially, like, only ask once. Take no for an answer. Yeah, take the L. Hey, do you want to get out of here?

Hey, wait, what's going on? Bode, you're hired. Chode, you're fired. You know what? I think you can get better than this. I think we're going to start our own business. We're going to start our own shit supply business. Yeah, we both shit, and we both like to scoop shit, and we both like planners. What do we need you for? Wow, I gave you the idea. Yeah, we both shit and we both like to scoop shit and we both like planners. What do we need you for?

I gave you the idea. You and your weird shit. Well, you don't even know if they're weird. They do look like M&M's, but... That's weird. But that's also a familiar object. It's true. It's not like you're shitting out a shape that has never been seen on Earth before. This is a real conundrum.

Okay, we'll stay. But we're going to share the job. Okay, so that's $1 per hour each. How do we make it last to an hour, though? Wait, what happens if we don't make it last for an hour? It's five cents, you know, that kind of thing. Flat rate, five cents. So it's up to $1 an hour.

Well, how many cents are in a dollar? 60. How many seconds are in a minute? 60. So it's a penny a second an hour. Well, how many cents are in a dollar? 60. How many seconds are in a minute? 60. So it's a penny a second. Can we go back one? All right. So the end.

Wonderful. All right. Now, Scott, would you like to be the boss? Sure, I'll be the boss. I'm a little nervous. I'm a little nervous. I'm very confident. Oh, well, that's nice. This is actually my 15th interview this week.

Oh, it's my first ever. Hello. Never had a job. Oh, hello. Hello. I'm the person who's going to be interviewing you both. My name is Dr. Weird. Blessings to you on this morn. Thank you so much. The traditional greeting of my people. How did you know?

I researched you a bit before I came. The weirdos. What's up, doctor? Remember from the cartoons? Okay. Well, which one of you is Lingwika? Me. And which one of you is Barf? Wouldn't it be the other person? It's not me.

Oh, so Barf didn't make it? How many names do you have on there? 300? What's the next name? Can I just run down them until I get to yours? Or you could tell me. No, I'd prefer for you to tell me. I'd actually like to hear some of these.

I just want to make sure I'm on the list. I'm just glad I got right there at the top. Well, they're done by time. Are you really early? Well, is it really early or what time is your appointment? Two thirty. Two thirty. That's four hours away.

I just wanted to make sure that I was on time. Okay. Two thirty. You must be absolve men. Yep. Oh, okay. Great. I just wanted to make sure that I was on time. Okay, 2.30. You must be Abizalvman. Yep. Oh, okay, great. I'm Abizalvman. Abizalvman and Lingwika. Lingwika. At your service.

Here's what I'd like to do. I would love to interview you both at the same time. I can wait four hours. Okay. I can too. Okay. Cut to four hours later. Well, we're back. You guys ready? We've stared at each other cut to four hours later well we're back you guys ready we've stared at each other this entire four hours i appreciate you waiting for my uh appointment time i don't care i'm gonna get this job you're late already by the way i know so what do you think that's my style

all right well come on come on uh back here just to be fair lingwinka was here at his appointment that's true but he didn't want to be interviewed until four hours after his appointment, so that's... No, you wanted to interview us both at the same time, and absolve mode was early. Hoisted by my own petard. That's right. Come on back into Dr. Weird's office. What do you say?

That's still you, right? That's me, alright. Speaking in the first person, or third. Hey, why'd your Hawaii guy deflate? Oh, well uh it's a long story but uh i took him to hawaii with me and to revisit his hometown yeah just just show him his mother soil and uh common phrase really yeah you want to rub his face in it literally and unfortunately the jagged rocks, you know. Yeah.

Those jagged rocks on the beaches. Yeah. They killed him. They killed him. Anyway, this isn't my job interview. This is your job interview. That candy killed him. Guys, here's the deal.

I'm interviewing you to be the CEO of this company. Did I get the job? Yes. Wow. Now, interview both of us. Oh, okay. How many times do you think you could do the job the best way? Once.

And only once. Well, you know, what does that mean exactly? Well, there's a right way and a best way to do the job. Guys, the police are here and I think they're searching for me. Oh, this is awkward. Is this not really a job? No. Basically, I needed you to take over the company to be the patsy,

because I've been embezzling for the last 40 minutes. You probably should not have told me that part, because I'm just going to say it was you. You've been embezzling for 40 minutes? Yes, I loved it. I didn't even to say it was you. You've been embezzling for 40 minutes? Yes! I loved it! And you didn't turn it around. It was so fun! Well, look, I'm going to leave because I don't want to be a part of this and I didn't get the job and this is all a waste of my time.

I've locked all the doors. This is a problem. I just want to see how this plays out. So I'm going to stick around. That's the... Oh, you just locked the door from the inside. Yeah. Hey, Matt Lauer, let us out of here. There you go. Alright, just unlock it, Ben. Guys,

I miss you already. Our real selves are the characters. Good luck in jail. Hey, I don't need luck. Scene. Oh, boy. Alright, Paul. This is a great game. All right, Paul. This is a great game.

Now you're the boss. It's not bad. Welcome to the job application. I see you're both here. Oh, what are you imitating me? What a weird way of talking. That's you. I'm very old, you see. How old are you? I'm 70. And I don't have a lot of time. That's you. I'm very old, you see. How old are you?

I'm 70. And I don't have a lot of time left on this earth. That old? God. How do you think you're going to die? Are you sick? Oh, yes. I have a series of ailments that all compound one another.

Oh. I wanted to say that I'd like to get this job for many resins. Now, hold on. Your names. I'm seeing Trolley and Bebop. Is that correct? I'm Rocksteady, actually, not Bebop. I'm Trolley Bebop.

Oh, that's the confusion. Trolley Bebop and Rocksteady Bebop. Yes, we're brothers and sisters. We're brothers and sisters. Okay, now then. This job is very delicate. It is to, you have to, once I die, you have to then kill my wife so it can be a beautiful story where she died of a broken heart

just days after I died. How do you plan on dying? Well, now I plan on succumbing to my various illnesses all at the same time. How do you want your wife to die if I... Well, I want to make it look like she died of a broken heart. Okay. But I do

want you to cut her head off. Okay. Well, with what? With a butter knife. Oh. That'll take forever. Exactly. Can what? With a butter knife. Oh. That'll take forever. Exactly. Can we finish with a butter knife after using a sharper tool? How about this?

I'll let you start with a butter knife, switch over to a bread knife, go back to the butter knife. Could we kill her? Bread knife on the neck sounds like it would hurt. Could we inject her with something so she's dead and then take the butter knife because I feel like her squirming She's deathly afraid of needles.

Oh, okay. But not butter knives? Well, not not so far. What if I killed you and then you were just dead? Well, I mean I'm going to die anyway

so that's a waste of time. Yeah. Why go to jail for something that's going to happen anyway? Now, your qualifications. When we could just go to a funeral. Your qualifications. That was part of the game.

What are they? Have you killed anyone before? I've killed four deer with my arms. And I've killed two dogs and four frogs. And I've killed one woman and I've killed one hog and I've killed

one frog Pull back down to one frog. Let me ask you this. When you killed the woman Oh, I'm sorry. One cat and I've killed one bat and I've killed one cat. And I've killed one bat. And I've killed three rats. And let me say, you're killing that hat.

It looks great. You're a dynamite. And I've killed one mat. And I've killed one Charles. You keep going and I'm going to ask him a question. And I've killed. Have you ever killed a woman? I don't have a resume quite like that one

But I I think I've probably killed some people With like a cutting glance Or a sarcastic quip or something And I've killed one trainer And I've killed No I haven't killed anyone per se But I'd like to

I've always wanted to I can work with that. Yeah, I have an interest in it, certainly. What is it? Do you ever fear that you would be afraid to carry out the killing once you started it? And I've killed one mouse. I think it's the starting of it is the part that I've never been able to get over the hump. I think once I start, it's kind of like, well, I got to finish it now.

How do I know that you'll actually do the killing? I could sign something or promise you or do a hand, maybe we could do a special handshake. Let me think about that handshake and I'm going to check back in with Charlie Bebop. One doe and I've killed one. Charlie Bebop, I'm going to stop you there. What? When you killed the woman, what method did you use? How did it go?

I used a butter knife and a bread knife. Oh, wait a minute. And it went good. Okay. I got to say. She killed our mom, by the way. Oh, I forgot your brother's sister. Yeah.

She's in the lead so far. Well, but I think the thing that gives me the slight edge. Hey, would you make fun of our president that way? Which one? Joseph R. Biden? Joseph Robinette Biden. Robin Hood Biden. Joseph Robin Hood Biden.

Joseph Robin's egg Biden. Look, yeah, she's better at it than me. She tried to kill me once. Is that so, Charlie Bebop? But guess what? I escaped. Is that so, Charlie Bebop? It's all true.

Everything he ever utters. He can tell no lies, is that correct? And you always lie. And I killed one bald eagle. And I killed one vole. I'm very patriotic. This is a problem. And I killed one owl.

Love it or leave it, right, sir? And I killed... It is right. I like you more and more. Let me kill your wife, sir. All right, I tell you what. I'll wrap her in a flag. Will you bury her at sea next to a sour big lion?

Of course. Right on top. Oh, that's where America deserves to be. Yes. All right. I've made my decision. Oh, boy. I can't wait for this.

Is it me? Please stand at attention. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Please stand at attention Hut Hut I am ready to make my choice Yes sir In all my years of being alive

I never thought I'd be dead And not have anything going on afterwards But now that is the case Charlie Bebop What was your name again? not have anything going on afterwards but now that is the case Charlie Bebop What was your name again? Rocksteady Bebop I've called you both in

here because I've made a decision Yes I have decided to drink the immortality potion and live forever No But I already killed your wife You've passed my test drink the immortality potion, and live forever. No. And so now. But I already killed your wife.

You've passed my test. Yes. You get the keys to my wife factory. So she died first, and then what? You died of a broken heart? How many wives do you have in here? Oh, tons. Oh, my God.

The place is lousy with them. The end. The end. We did it. We did it. I'm proud of us. We did it. We did it. We did it. I'm proud of us. We did it. We did it.

We did it. Guys, that's going to do it for this episode of Threedom. But remember, you should listen to other ones. I don't know. What are we supposed to say? What are we supposed to say? We got an Instagram. We got an Instagram, ThreedomUSA on Instagram and Twitter.

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and only until then