Threedom - Threevisiting: "He's Cucking Your Dad"

Episode Date: June 30, 2026

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul, and Lauren discuss Bluey's house, Christmas stress, Lauren's Topics and play Pitch a Sitsong. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/shop Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. That's what our theme song sounds like if you're new here. And we shout along to it. We don't have to, but we do. We choose to. There's already shouting on the theme song, but we shout over it. Why do we do that, by the way? I don't know.

I can't ask these questions years into something. It gets our energy up, doesn't make me feel present. It centers us. I feel pumped. Because otherwise I'm thinking about whatever I want to think about. I think about Santa. Sam thing? Sam thing? I think about Santa Sam thing.

He's this guy in my neighborhood, weirdo. No one's really named Santa. No, I know. You would think such a popular guy, Santa Claus. And yet no one names their kid after this is my son Santa. Hey, Santa. He's like, honestly, he has a great reputation. Yeah.

He's never been to. No negative connotations. People name their children Jesus. Right. Yeah. So what's going on? Clause. Come on, people. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Threatom. Let's introduce ourselves.

Great idea, Scott. Oops. Spoiler. What about you to my right? Who are you? My name is Lauren Lapkis. And I'm sitting here with someone to my right. Yes. Who are you, though?

Oh, I'm an actor and I'm a comedian. And, you know, we've been doing this podcast for six years. I think this is our six season. Jesus Christ. That's a long time. And, yeah, I mean, do you want me to give my credits? Yeah, every single one. Start at the beginning.

High School plays. You could find me on IMDB, and you'll be able to learn all about it. And high school plays, I didn't get into any of them. I've talked about this on the show. Oh, that's right. By the way, this is part of three of them. It's talking about things we've talked about on the show before. It's an integral part of the conference.

All right. And who is that who just said that? Hi there. My name is Paul F. Tompkins. My home website is IMDB.com. It's your homepage when you go open your computer? I played the bar keep in Oliver Twist in my freshman year. Then I played Pawnee Bill and Andy Get Your Gun, my sophomore year.

And which one did the teacher kiss the student? Oh, that was South Pacific. Where I essayed the role of Luther Billis. And watched my Italian teacher kiss a contemporary of mine. That's so... She was a contemporary. Yes, she was in my class. And years later, I still think about it.

And I don't understand why that was allowed out. I'm sure she does too. You can't even say it was a different time. He was still a man and she was still a child. Yeah. Yeah. My name is Scott Ackerman and let's see. Carousel in the ninth grade.

I played the Starkeeper. I was Jigger. That's right. Who was the villainous person who got Billy Bigelow into a lot of trouble. That's right. And then he runs away. That's right. Never to be seen again.

Never winds up in heaven up there with Billy. Oridel. Yeah, that's true. Maybe he's just not. there. And the reason that the three of us started doing this podcast many years ago is we're all comedians. We all went on the Comedy Bang Bang Live tour back in what year was that even? 2016. We did every show together. We traveled around the country and to different countries. We went to Australia and Canada and England, although, Lauren, you didn't go to England.

I had had a nasal surgery on my deviated septum that was causing slug-like blood to leave my from my nostrils. Not enough blood is slug-like. It was just, you know, I was scared to get on a plane and have that start happening. It's a big deal. Yeah. So we all struck up a friendship and we decided to do a podcast together. You're saying we didn't become friends until the tour?

No, I think probably halfway through the tour. Wow. I think that's true. I think I think I'm not. No, we were already friends. That's why we did it. Of course. Of course.

Once we saw each other in our glasses. There's no turning back from that. I do believe the night two of the tour, everything got real. Why? Because back to you were in the middle of two shows in Boston and backstage, you just like. Oh, I did start downloading my life problems on to you, I think. You're like, look, this is going to be a boring tour unless we really get to know each other and be real with each other. Is I there?

Yeah, you're there. I don't remember this at all. I was going through a personal life change. Yes. Yes. Anyway, so things got real between us. They did. And we decided to do this show.

We stopped being polite. Yes. Things started. getting real. Yeah. And so what is this show, if you've never heard it before? It's just the three of us talking about stories from our life. Yeah, we share stories from the way past, the more recent past, and even things that are to come. We can see the future. Well, I'm a bit of a soothsayer, they say. Stop saying sooth. We are typically, we're appearing on the show as ourselves. We typically are in characters on other podcasts. Some people I know us from.

Lauren and I do many characters. Scott does a version of himself, I guess. The more annoying version of myself than even this show. There's some more annoying? Wow. Can you imagine? I had that calibration different. Yeah. I'm confused, honestly.

And so yeah, it's just, it's just silly. It's just silly. We have fun. And then at the end of the show, we're going to play what we call a three-cher, which don't tell anyone is actually a game. It is a game. And sometimes we play a game. Sometimes we're playing a game.

And a lot of times, Sarah, references you might not get. unless you listen back to all one million and two. We're going to tell all these stories again. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry for scratch. We're erasing the facts. We will tell all the stories again, but new injokes. We're not going to do any injokes from the previous six years. It's tough, but we got to do it.

We just did one, just so that's clear. Yeah, that's true. This is episode 182 for new listeners. What I like about that end joke is that never, we never even explained it on this show. That is purely an in joke from our lives. Yeah. No one will ever know. No.

Are you playing a game? That's the type of in-joke that we have that we'll never explain to you as a listener. And that's what's fun about friends. You don't need to understand it all to have a good time listening to the conversation. Does that sound good? I think it sounds great. So let's get into it. All right.

So we're back. You know, we've had a brief hiatus. We haven't done an episode since September with each other. Wow. Do you remember? That's long. I sort of remember the last episode we did in September? In September?

Yeah. It was the time. Body up? what bodya what are you doing I don't know he's just sing badia

why are you sing bodya to you guys I was just singing body a song body a to you of course body out of you oh body out of you body out of you that's where I went to college

this is the show turn my microphone off I thought you just want your headphones up you want your entire microphone off please disconnect me from the show unplug me from light September you know we've had a lot of

oh you have had a lot of Oh, you had a story that you want to tell me. I've been saving this. Now, this almost drove me bananas because you and I went to the bluey house. Yes, okay. So let's rewind. To say what this is. Rewind.

After the first of the year. Now, Lauren. This is Freedom Rewind. Lauren and I, Lauren and I have children. Yeah. Not together. Not together. That they know of.

We announced, though, on Lauren's topics, quite a few episodes back. we announced the fact that my wife and I had a child. Yeah. Which we'd been trying for for about a decade. Yes, you have a Lawrence topic. Yes, you have a Lawrence topic. It's time for Lauren's topic. It's one of our most cherished segments.

This is a topic where we only talk about whether I'm having a baby or someone else in the room. I am having a baby. Yeah. This spring, I like to leave it vague for the strangers of the world. And then you'll just see when it pops out. Yeah. Oh, really? We're going to see the video of that.

Yeah, I'm going to post that on my live. Has any baby ever popped out? I don't know, but my daughter does say baby's going to pop out. I will say my... And we're going to catch it. My friend, his wife was pregnant for the first time. And as far as he knows. He's these secrets you're afraid of.

And she said to him, oh, I feel like I'm having contractions. And he said, oh, okay, well, let's drive to the hospital. They, like, mozied to the car. Nothing really weird was happening. It was about a 20 minute drive. They drove 20 minutes. They arrived. They walked into the door.

She had the baby immediately. Wow. Just like came. Like in the lobby of the hospital? Like practically, yeah. She just went, oh, I think. And then they, they, she just like, whin. It was like a TV show where like, where you get cut off in the writing and you just, you don't keep talking.

Like, oh, I think. And then the baby comes out. I guess I can't finish my sentence. Like she was going to say, I think I'm having the baby. But it's like, you know how on shows where like they write it. where it's like, you're like, no, no, no, I'm trying to explain. And the person just talks over you so you don't get it out. And you're like, if you just kept talking, they would have to hear your explanation.

That would make sense. And then you, they would. It's the cheapest way, because the drama is essentially people keeping secrets from each other. And so it's the cheapest way when someone, when a character is like, hey, I want to tell you this thing. And then someone interrupts. I'm always frustrated.

Yeah. Because it's so cheap. Well, it's circle back at least. Yeah, exactly. One of the secrets they're keeping from each other and, like, eight enough. Well, there's nine of them. I don't know if you knew that. Eight is enough is not a drama. What would you classify it as? Isn't eight is enough? Oh, no, I'm thinking of just the ten of us. By the way, this is a big part of

freedom is Paul and I knowing shows from the 70s. That's right. And Lauren knowing shows from the 90s? I guess 80s, yeah, because we're not that far apart. We should meet in the 80s though. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, you'd think. Family matters, Urkel. Yeah, obviously. Did I do? Did I? Did I? It's funny because that is a, a, it's funny because that is a that's an area where I didn't watch family matters, but of course I knew what it was. It was back in three channel days. These were matters big hit, you know. Regarding this particular family.

Yes. And I felt like, well, that's not on my business. These are family matters. Leave me out of it. I'm not in their family. Yeah, they are family matters. Thank you. You gave me such a platform to say that.

So anyway, Lauren, I haven't had a chance to say to you. Congratulations. Oh, thanks. You did ignore me when we saw I tell them every time since this has happened. And Paul, have you said it? I don't know if I've actually said congratulations. I've expressed my excitement. Well, thanks.

And happiness for you. That's great. Why are you withholding with your congratulations? I think that's a sacred thing. And I don't think you should just like spread it around like water. So you don't think this deserves it. That's fine. It's on the line.

It's on the line. What do you consider to be congratulation worthy? I don't need it. Graduating from school. That's congratulations. Oh, you got me. Oh, no. Okay.

I did say to my condagulations. Okay, good. Okay. Commolulations to you as well. But so that's happening, by the way, in the middle of this, in the middle of our episode. So we'll just, you know, one week you're going to hear Lauren's had the baby and we're not going to mention it for a while. That's true because we'll be a banking the episodes ahead of time. Yeah.

Yeah. What if it happens during a recording like we get trapped in here, like on a sitcom? Oh, that would be really bad. Yeah. I think I wouldn't like that. Who would you prefer deliver the baby, me or Scott? Cool up. but no, what I'm imagining is there's an earthquake and all the exits and entrances are blocked.

Yeah. I'll just do it myself. Don't do it yourself. Just don't look at me. Not even in a mirror? What if I just held out my hands and I turn my head? That's fine. That's fine.

And we wait for it to pop out. Yeah. So we went to the Bluey house. So let's give a little backstory on this. So Bluey, if you're not watching Children's TV lately, Bluey isn't a show. Australian cartoon about a dog named Bluey. She's a sheep, what is it? She's a dog.

She's a dog. I don't know. I don't see, you know, breed. Yeah, so she's got, it's her mom, dad, sister. Very open-minded. And they have, it's a very cute show. It's a very good show. It actually is good for adults.

Adults love it. One of the rare ones that it's like. I have actually not heard that. Adults love it. Many people I know who do not have children enjoy Bluey. Yes. Wow. I actually think that some of it might go over kids' heads

a little bit. They do a lot of things to nod to adults, which is always very sweet. It's like there will often be like little storylines about the parents where you're like, oh, it's so touching that they're like, getting a divorce. Cool up cries at every single episode. I cry a lot watching the show. Meanwhile,

I sit there angry and stern. I'm not in touch with my emotions. A little trivia about Bluey. Really? There was a real Bluey. Really? Yes. Bluey 7 June, 1910 to 14 November 1939, was a female Australian cattle dog That's an old ass dog.

What? Yeah. 29 years old. Here's the thing. No, 1910. She held the Guinness World record. What doesn't make any sense. She held the Guinness World Record as the oldest dog to ever live.

We really teed you up for that. That's a really old dog. That doesn't mean he said. It can't be that long. She won the Guinness. You actually told me that the other day. That's right. And yet I didn't remember.

But this is a big part of the show. Is us not remembering what other people say. She was surpassed, well, me. She was surpassed by Bobby from Portugal in the same. from Portugal in 2023, who also recently passed away. Although there is a, I don't know, Fred Guinness knows this, but there's a lot of controversy whether that is. Who's Fred Guinness?

Never mind. That's a different show. But anyway, there's a lot of controversy as to whether that is a real thing. I heard that Bobby might not have been that old. So they lied. It's kind of a munchausen situation. Do you know what that means? Well, like, I do know that with that story with,

a young person had a dog that was, old by proxy. Lauren said that's with such delight. Because I've been really soaking up a lot of Gypsy Rose data recently. And she was led to believe that she was younger than she was. Right. So I just was kind of playing off of that. That her age, this dog's age was a mystery given the parents were saying, oh, she's old,

she's old. The whole type she was young. How does this fit in with the mysterious case? I'm to tell you, Grace. I have to catch up. There was an update on that that I haven't caught up on. Yeah, it's horrible, by the way. that whole situation is so dark yeah um i don't know what it is oh i don't want to explain it

it rhymes though so it sounds whimsical yeah you can google that if you care okay bluey very sweet and they had a pop-up house which i think is still a thing it's moving to chicago soon it's kind of going all over the place yeah it's going all over the u.s and maybe also because it felt like people from australia were there like guiding it yeah a couple of the people in charge seemed like oh i didn't catch that um but so it was basically an immersive experience where you go into Bluey's house, they bring the house from the cartoon to life and there's a kitchen

and a television room and playhouses and bedrooms and all this kind of stuff. And then when you walk in well first of all, when we walked in, they put you in the gift shop, which I was like, oh God, because it was, it was, everything was enticing. I couldn't believe we made it out of there. What I didn't realize is they don't, you don't end in the gift shop.

I thought that was a huge mistake because I expected to go back in there. I was kind of like, oh, we'll get to this at the end. Yes. And then we, it just plops you out into the street. Because you don't want to buy the stuff right when you're going to walk around and do that. I don't know. So whatever.

Yeah. So we never went back in to buy anything. But when you, so when we walked in, you said, I said, how was your Christmas? And you said, I actually have a story about that. And I said, great. And you're like, I'm not going to tell you right now. I want to tell you on the show. I was like, when are we doing the show?

Like, I don't know. And I was like, so I just don't get to hear a story now. And then that was it. That was it. Yeah. So you've been in suspense this whole time. But let's talk about Bluey. I want to.

very withholding. Just like you with your congratulations. Well, I've established why I am that way, but you used it as a means to control us. Yeah, I was under your thumb for that whole. Are you only doing this season of freedom

because you wanted to hear this story? I need to know what it is, but. And I'm only doing it because I need money. We went into blue his house. For what? To buy candy. Okay. There's some right there.

That's not my candy. Oh my God. I never touched the podcast candy. I said they have mambas. We're at Scott's house. They have mambas. it's not like someone put that. So Bluey.

Let's talk about the Bluey experience. I want to because you go in the house and they say, oh, Bluey and Bingo are playing hide and seek. You have to find them. Go in their house. And you're supposed to be there for 45 minutes or so. Like that's your time slot. And there is no sign of them. Okay.

No, there is a sign of them. Those little cartoons. Yeah, they keep popping up like in a cupboard in like screens and they'll be like, ha, And if you catch a glimpse of them, then they go away. To me, that didn't count because my child never saw that. No, your child was very upset because she wanted to find Bluey immediately. She was focused on the task. They said, you've got to find him.

And she likes hide and seek. She's like, let's go find them. And then she's like, where are they? And then she was having fun, but then she would go, we have to find them. Where are they? She's two and a half. It's a 45-minute thing, too. And they're not prepared to have Bluie come out to see you.

until the end of it. So she was getting a little frustrated. 45 minutes is a lot. I mean, how long until Bluey comes out? There's slides, 45 minutes. Solid, solid. That's too long for... I actually agree.

I felt that you should get to end it when you want to end it. I didn't think that was... That's set up. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Because I was like... She was getting bored at a certain point and she really just wanted to find them.

Everyone was on a 15 minute, though, rotation where they take people out after 45 minutes, and then every 15 minutes, a new group comes in. And then they reveal Blue and being in a private room. Yeah, where you take pictures

and stuff like that. Which was very cute. Yeah. The whole thing was, she had a great time and I felt like it was stressful a little bit. My Child Emerald was didn't, she,

she knows what Bluey is. She really loves the theme song and that's like she'll watch it maybe but not knowing what's happening, but she loves the theme song. Yeah. So I think she was just happy to be in a place where there were slides and there were like places to play

and stuff like that. They have like dance, and stuff like that. Like it's it certainly there's a lot going on. I stayed away from that. But I do think that, that Holly, why are you so ashamed of your dancing? I just was like, you're good. You know, it just felt COVID-y. Because I, I, you're like a ballerina. I'm a beautiful dancer. You're a prima ballerina. Yeah, but I, but I- turned you to a swan that time. You've done all the major roles before you're 21. Well, of course it. You have to. Um, but being pregnant in this tight space with a bunch of little germs

and then it was dancing and screaming. Yeah, I was like, I'm just going to move over here. Because then there were points where everyone was kind of corralled into one room and it was like you could just go to a different room and be alone. So it's like, that's great. So in any case, it was... What's wrong with that? It sounds, when you say everyone was corralled into this little room, it sounds very grim.

No, it was, it was, it was like they were blasting music and doing like crazy. It'd be better. Crazy dance contest. If you were five, perfect. It was a little overwhelming for the year. They were stacking, like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was. stacking like, you know, all these foam things into statues and stuff like and then knocking them over. It was like work. Yeah, it was just a ton of stuff. It was a little stressful to me. No, it's a lot like my construction job.

I definitely was like. I was like, I see that Monday through Friday. Yeah. I don't need to see. I was like, you put stack all these things up knock over. I worked for sure like when I was starting out. Right. Like I would be like this would be my. This is the pre-babysitting years. It would be part of. It would be part of that. Babysitting and then movie star. That's right. So inaccurate. But it well, it's not that inaccurate. I also was in commercials. And wouldn't still do them? Yeah, I still do from time to time.

When they pay well. Okay. But the activity of leading the kids through this, it would have been a side job I would have had for sure. Right, yeah. Because it seemed pretty fun and easy for as far as if you're a performer. And it's like, I bet it paid pretty decently. But at the end of it, at the end of it,

we go into a room and there's blueie and bingo, I think. And we all took a picture. Who was that? Who was that other big dog? Bluey I recognized. And there was a brown one. But we all took a picture with them. And was Holly excited at that point?

I think she was, but she was also really confused because they're big, they're huge. They're bigger than they should be. And they're human sized. She was looking at them kind of like, huh, but then she was excited. But in the picture, she's not smiling. Yes, in the picture, my child is also not smiling. Yeah. But then cut to two weeks later, she went to a child's birthday.

party the other day yesterday where there was a giant Elmo. And she's only been watching Sesame Street for one calendar week. And she blew her mind and she ran up and hugged Elmo. Unlike what she did with Bluey, she was a little reticent about Bluey. She just hugged Delmo and would not let him go. It's so cute. Yeah, very cute. So in any case, that teased us up for this story, but we have to take a break.

Wow. Just really quickly. Yeah. Do you think that she was more responsive to Elmo because, he seems less powerful than Bluey. Yeah, I think power dynamics were definitely a play. You know what it is. You know what it is.

You know what it is. More seems more in control of herself, right? Right. Yeah. And Elmo seems like a child. The Bluey that you meet is hard. Yes. Hard show.

Hard show. To the touch. Where I think Elmo is going to be. Oh, not like plushy. It's like a foam kind of hard. It's a big round. Maybe almost fashioned out of cardboard or. something. It was, it was. And then applied with paint. It, you know, it just wasn't squishy. It wasn't

huggy. Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile, Elmo is just like a rough. Yeah, exactly. Pure fluff. Okay, we have to take a break. When we come back, this exciting story of what happened to me on Christmas Eve. Wow. I really have no idea what it is. Yeah. You'll be blown away. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back with more freedom. Bye. Hey, I don't know about you because I'm not a creep. mind me own business. I'm not peeping through your windows. I'm not installing cameras on the grounds of your home.

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Yeah. What if you told the whole thing? You caught Santa Claus. You caught him kissing your mom. Yeah, and I tied him up and he's in that room over there. Oh, what the fuck? It's funny that that little rat in that story, in that song. Yeah.

It's saying, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, like, implying that it was the mommy's idea. Well, also, I think he's trying to say, like, Mommy was cheating on daddy. There's the other side of the equation is Santa Claus is cheating on Mrs. Claus. He's cucking, and he's cucking your dad. He's cooking your dad. He's cooking your dad. He's cooking your dad. Is that the title?

Okay, so this So we haven't seen each other Oh, by the way, the listeners, the episodes have titles Yes So we haven't seen each other as a group since September Wow And we're on tech... No, no, I'm sorry, we went to dinner

And we had a holiday party at your house That's right, we have the holiday party, so So we've seen each other a bunch And you're a line. Twice? Is a bunch to you? Twice is more than... Oh, here's a bunch of bananas, two bananas. Yeah, who can eat more than two bananas?

I'm sorry, don't you not see people A bunch usually? And two is a lot. What? This is a lot of times to see someone between then and then. Agreed, I think. Okay, so here's what I... Because I also saw you a bluey.

That's right. But I wasn't there. In between our house? Was I in the costume? That would be so weird. Can you fucking imagine if I took off the head and it was spong? I would feel... If the back smoke comes out.

I don't even know what my reaction would be. Hello, my friends. What a great. Oh man. What a great prank that way. I got to figure out how to do that to somebody. You need to do that now. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. We know so many people have kids now. Yeah. You would know someone in the group. So just do it whatever you can. And I'm sure you'll know somebody. Well, anytime there's a child's birthday party.

What? If there's ever a child's birthday party, just like. There ever is. Yeah. I mean, Holly's is probably coming up. I mean, in the summer. Sure. Yeah.

Technically coming up. Just come by as bluey. Christmas is coming up. Yeah. And Lauren will think that Mike hired him and Mike will think you hired him. Oh! It's like when Jesus, it's like when Joseph and Mary lost our Lord in the temple. That's right.

Yes. I always think about that. A classic. I thought it was with you. What happened on the Eve of Christmas? Okay. So Christmas Day, we were going to have a lot of... So we're just skipping right over that story.

Well, no, this is still Christmas Eve. Yes, I understand. I'm having fun. I understand. I'm not. It's tough. Sometimes we get contentious. Textbook freedom.

So on Christmas Day, we were supposed to have a lot of people over, a lot of family, a lot of friends. Like two? Yeah, a bunch. Two people. And so Kulap tends to go, I don't want to say overboard, but she does a lot when on these holidays. Thanks to the evening. Sure. Yeah.

And these are Goldie Han movies. She's a great host. She's a great host. She is indeed. She, she. She knows what the people want. She really enjoys it. She really enjoys it.

But she doesn't farm out a lot of this to other people or even like order food. And you guys have a live-in farmer. That's right. He's so bored. But it's worth it for us. You just have him out there in the Dell. Dude, you're getting a Dell is what we said to him when we hired him. And he was like, oh, it's perfect.

I heard he was wife. He said, I love that reference. Farmer wants a wife. Farmer runs a right. Farmer runs a right. Farmer wants Matt Rife. Farmer wants Matt Rife. Maybe that's the title.

That might be the title. That's going to attack the wrong crap. You know what? Good. They should be disappointed. So we go to sleep on the night before Christmas Eve. Ooh, twas the night before Christmas. Yes.

All through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Coolup is just made. And all through the house, not a creature was stirring even a mouse. Something like that. You know it by our. like that. Yeah, it's good. So the night before, Coolup has made a big, huge to-do list of what she has to do on Christmas Eve. And it's like to the every half hour of like, I need to put this in the oven at this point. Wow. This is why I don't cook. Yeah, yeah. It sounds so confusing.

Plus, I'm horrible on it. Plus, I have no desire. You really got a case. So we go to, we go to sleep. At four in the morning, Coolup wakes me up. And, says, I hear jingle bells. I think he's a roof. Close. She says, why is the room spinning? What's happening? Why is the room spinning? Oh, no. And I think she's having a dream.

Yeah. And so I'm like, it's okay, honey, it's okay. And she's like, no, no, the room is spinning. What's happening? And I'm like, oh, something actually is wrong. I wake up, we turn on the light. I'm like, what's, I ask her to describe what's happening. She's like, the entire room is spinning around me right now.

I like look up on the internet symptoms and vertigo comes up. And I'm like, this sounds like vertigo to me. Like you have an inner ear problem. Vertigo essentially is like, it's the same reason you get car sickness. you have in your inner ear, you have like a gyroscope, and if your eyes are not seeing what your ears are experiencing,

it's why you get sick on the Harry Potter ride or whatever. I don't. I do get sick on that. I went on that one time and I was like, this is the most nauseating ride. I ride it with my arms crossed. Oh, they have?

No, not, like the first week it was open. Every single person who went on it, threw up. Oh, my God. None. Okay, what's up? I'm in the picture just reading a magazine. You're just bored? Yeah.

That's awesome. I go on it every week. So she's... That's so lame of you? I think it's cool. So I look it up and I say, I think it's vertigo. I'm looking at the symptoms and I see one of the symptoms is, or one of the things that can happen with vertigo is having a stroke. Oh, God.

And I'm like, I think it's just vertigo. I think if you close your eyes and go back to sleep, you'll be better. So she goes back to sleep. And then at 7 in the morning, I wake up with a baby and I'm taking care of the baby. And about 9 in the morning, she comes downstairs and I say, how are you feeling? And she says, I think we should go to the urgent care. On Christmas.

Christmas Eve. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah. So I say, okay, I'm trying to figure out what we do with the baby. We call a Cool Up Sister who's able to come over. You know, that's really great. So we get into the car. I'm like, how are you right now?

She's like, it still is spinning. So I find an urgent care down the street. We go to it. We park. I lead her inside. I sit her down in the waiting room. I go up to the front desk. Sorry, at this point, what is she experiencing?

She's like kind of crying and has her eyes closed. Is it still like everything's spinning for us? Yes. so scary so i say i'm not scared i check in and i say hey i tell the symptoms and they say okay well are you a kaiser member and i say no and they go well you can't be here i swear to god the school system obviously it's it's not i mean everyone knows but it's just so many things are like this yeah so they say go to the er down the street and they show me a map and i say okay so i go back to cool up and i say hey we have to go to a different place that's all i say to her um she

goes, okay. And so I lead her back to the car. And then we find the ER, but they don't have parking. So I need to drop her off. Great for an ER. It's so insane. So I need to drop her off. So I say, here, honey, go inside. You know, this is the ER. Go inside. And sit down. I'll find parking and I'll be back. Parking is three blocks away. What? So I like- Do they have a lot that is full or they just don't have a dedicated space for people? No, the directions to the park. Like, there are signs that say parking this way and then they don't follow up and say which way you're supposed to turn after that. So I went, I made a right and it was a left to a closer lot. That's so annoying. So anyway, I run back in and I sit down with Kulup and she says,

what are we doing here? Oh my God. Jesus Christ. And I start to freak out. And I'm like, we're here for your vertigo, honey. And she's crying and I go, did you check in? And she goes, no. And so I like, I'm freaking out. And I'm flipping out thinking like, something's wrong.

Something's wrong because she doesn't know where she is. So I go to the front desk and I explain the situation thinking that they'll rush someone in. They're like, okay, we'll fill out these forms. This is my experience. I literally was bleeding out and sitting in the ER by myself and no one cared. It's crazy. Yeah. fucking insane. Nobody helps you.

So I'm like, can't we like, oh, by the way, I'm behind someone who's taking a million years. And I'm like trying to get the person's attention like, this is an emergency. But I guess everything is an emergency in the emergency. Yeah, but it's like, have some urgency. Yeah. So anyway, I fill it. I'm like, fuck. So I fill it out super quick.

And I give it back. And then he needs to make a call to Kaiser. They're like, did she ever come in when her address was such and such? Which would have been in literally 1999. Oh my God. I'm like maybe that was 25 years ago. You know, they call verify. Like, what does that even have to do with anything?

I know. They verify her identity and they go, okay, we verified her identity. Okay. And then they make it with her license. Yeah. Yeah. Then they make a call to the person. And thankfully, with urgency and the person comes right out.

Okay, good. Take her into the other room and start examining her and asking her questions. and they, one of the questions they asked, they say, how old are you, honey? And she says, um, 41? And I'm like, she's 43. And, gosh, it's so scary. And they're like, okay, we're going to, we're going to take you and get you checked out because

you're too young to be this confused about things. Oh, that's rude. If you're older, we'd give you some time. So they rush her into the emergency room. Team of doctors comes in, starts asking her questions. And the doctor kind of shuts everything down and just says, like, this is just vertigo. Like, we don't need to do the MRIs.

And he goes, this is just vertigo. I know you're worried that you're having a stroke. If you wouldn't know if you were having it, you wouldn't know that you'd be worried that you're having a stroke. You would just have a stroke and not know. it. Okay. That's interesting. Love that tip. Yeah. So you never can say I'm having a stroke and it's real.

Isn't there something about toast? That's all you're allowed. Because they, does it smell like toast? You can't say, I think that means. If not, you're not having a stroke. I do smell toast. I think about that, da, that, that, that. You don't know anything about what's happening to you. So he's shutting everything down and saying though, why were you so confused? And Kulup says, no, no, you don't understand. I wondered where we were

because I wondered why we left the other place. Okay, so she wasn't that confused. She goes, I know I was in the R. I just wondered why we left the previous place and why we were at this new place. And she just couldn't communicate because she was feeling so sick. And she was lying about her age.

Well, I say, she's like, I'm like, I'm like 41. Buy it. No, I say, well, what was the deal with the age? Two weeks prior, she and her best friends had decided. to start lying about their age. Oh my God.

Where they then went around every time they would see each other and surprise pop quiz each other of how old are you? What year were you born? Oh my God. What year did you graduate? Are you allowed to tell this story? I think so. So

you might have let a check before this goes of us. Yeah, this is involving an important ruse in her life. So so she was legitimately like, Yeah, not that she won't like it, but that it's blowing up her life. It's going to fuck up any future. She legitimately for the previous two weeks had constantly been asked, how old are you? And she had had to answer quickly, 41, 41.

That's so silly. So everything calmed down. They did take an MRI just to be sure. I was going to say you should still do that. Yeah, everything. I don't like when they're like, nah, nah, let's not look at this further. No, they just, with the speed and alacrity with which they were like trying to do it, everything slowed down.

Yeah. She's still like they gave her some something called anti-vert which is anti-vertigo pills and stuff and it's been getting better She's pretty spot-off. Do you have any lift? Do you want some? Do you have vertigo? I like pills in general. I'm like a dick. I'm addicted to anti-vert. I love feeling normal. I love vert. I love anti-vert. Let me take some vert first and then some anti-verter. I'm mid-vert right now. Oh man, I'm working so hard So yeah, that was and she was worried about all the the preparations and I was saying like

Do you think she was having like a panic? Not like a, I don't know what vertical can be a panic attack. It can be. But with the amount of stress of the thing she had to do. I asked her, are you particularly stressed? And in my head, I'm thinking like, yeah, it's Christmas Eve and she has all this stuff to do. And she was saying like, no, because it's like fun, but it's like you actually are thinking about 40 things. Yeah.

But also, you know, it can be like if you have like an inner ear cold or something like that, it can do it. It's actually way more common than I think people would think. Okay. Ask me, you're the doctor asking me if I'm particularly stressed. Are you particularly stressed? stressed always ask me Lauren are you particularly stressed no

motherfucker what if I always asked me that what if the doctor was like and are you interested if I'm particularly stressed nobody ever turns it back on me and I just wish someone would say how are you today what if every time you had to go into the doctor every time you went to the doctor

you had to do the same examination on the doctor out of courtesy Holly did it on her doctor actually no what did you So cute. She went to the doctor. And we were very prepared because she got like a doctor kit that she really likes and whatever. And so she was like kind of excited.

And then she brought her stethoscope to the doctor. And then the doctor, she said, told the doctor take a deep breath. And like, it was just very adorable. She didn't tell me to take a deep breath when she checked my heart. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She just had to take short chalibrates. She would not say it when she was doing it.

But she did have a special posture. She was standing with her hand on her hip sort of leaning towards. towards him. And then, yeah, at the doctor. She also loves to, if you say, how old are you? She says five and she's two and a half. She's like on her age, too. Yeah.

It caused a lot of complications. Pop quiz with other toddlers. Emmy went to the doctor the other day. Got shots, was fine with it. Like, didn't even flinch. I didn't know what was happening, I think. But handing her, putting her into the weight thing to get her weight, she freaked out. Was it cold?

No, I think it was just like us letting her go. Sorry, is this cool up? Yeah, this is a cool up. Yeah. After the MRI. They put her in the weight bowl. All right, we have to take a break. We'll be right back with a threacher.

Welcome back. Hey, everyone, we're back. It's still Threatom, and we are going to play a three-cher. That's right. People love when we do this, and we love doing it. We love it. And we can do it. And we can do it.

And we can do it. And we can do it. And we will. Yes. We can. And we're not forced to do this. do this. It's just that we can't. No one else is here. It's just the three of us. Yeah, there's, there aren't rifles pointed out of heads. We could change this whole last part right now,

and we're not. Yeah, this room is well lit and comfortable, and we have plenty of food and water. There aren't like laser dots on our temples or anything like that. This is a, this is an old favorite. Oh, we should play that. No. I love that game. Next episode. How about that? This is, this is called, well, here's the thing. There's two games that we play. They're very similar. One is called Pitch a series. Well, no. For the new listener, we play countless games. That's true. I did not

mean to imply that we only play two games and they're basically the same. I do want that to be clear because it sounded like that. And they might not know. Good catch, Lauren. It could be anything. You can submit a game to us if you have an idea. That's right. Right to us at Freedom USA at gmail.com.

Yeah, and let us know what three-true you want us to play. And you know what? If you ever want to leave us a voicemail, ask for some advice or something, you can call us at Hagg claims eight. Do you explain that after the show? Not after the show, but at the end of the show. After all,

after everything is done. After we've turned off the recording. When you said that, did you expect us to say at the same time? No. Okay. That is my delivery of it every single time. I want to give him his moment.

Let him shine. Yes. I always think, oh, I'm late. Thank you. Hag claims eight. Oh, I'm late. But I mean. That's the other, that's our extension.

Yeah. Hag claims eight extension. Oh, I'm late. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, we're going to play Switchit or Pitchit, which is one of the three shows that we play. And what this is is two of us play network executives. The parody of the Beatles, two of us.

You did not have to explain that. That's like one of the most earwarming ones. Is that what Weird Al does after every song? That was a parody of Fet. I hope so. I'm doing parodies of my own songs now. Yeah, you should just... Like, the wells run dry.

That was hacked. You should say hat. That was hat. Parity of fat. Parity of bad. It should be layers. I wear a hat, a hat on my head. You know it.

I think he should do that. What about bat? No. No? Because of newcomers? Batman? Because it's a bat. Because I'm bat.

I'm bat. I'm Batman. Okay. So two of us are network executives. playing network executives. We're not actually network. Don't send us your ideas for shows. We just got fired pretending we haven't been.

Don't get it twisted. And then a person comes in, or one of us could be a network executive and it's a team, which do you rather play? I think two of us are network executives. I think it's usually the way we do. And then the third person comes in. We tell them the title of an existing show. We've used, I think, family matters. We've talked about family matters.

We have. Yeah. Then the person, you're welcome to rewind and listen for yourself. We did talk about it. The person pitching the show has to switch the words in that show's title. Usually they'll do the opposite. So family would be like, enemy. Enemy and then matters would be indifference.

I think the opposite of family is friends and you guys said enemies. But say it's, say it's their choice. So say it's enemies indifference. And then they have to pitch a. sitcom or a television show to the two network executives with that title and then at the end they have to sing the theme song for that show righteous righteous explanation wow i love it all right so who wants to do one i want to be an executive i'll be an executive all right then i'll be the other thing that's left yes yes and what is my title yes we have to give them a title let's see uh your title is um blossom

Okay. No, I'm going to report you. Fine, go ahead. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'll report you back. I'll say you did something worse. You have nothing on me.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. What about these pictures? Oh, my God. How did you get those? I'm sorry, am I early? What? Oh, no.

You're late. You're late. We want you in on this. What do you think of these pictures? Stop showing you. So I posed with this. It's Elmo, but it was my boyfriend. This is not supposed to be.

You're dating Elmo? He's not really Elmo. It's a costume. Is this what this is going to be like? Oh, wait, this is not Elmo? Oh, my God. Oh, hi. Anyway, welcome.

Your Phil? Anyway, welcome. What's that? Your Phil? I sure am. Okay. My name's Deb. Hi, Deb.

It's nice to meet you. My name's Doob. Hi, Dub, nice to meet you. Sure. Can I be Philb just for the purposes of this meeting? Hey, if you want to legally change your name. If you legally change it in the next six months, I'll allow that you did that. I have the paperwork ready to go.

I just have to fill in the new name. Oh, okay. Do you need a witness to notarize it? Can I get a witness? I don't know. Well, a witness is not the same as a notary, dube. But you could be the witness. I could be the notary, Deb.

You have to be a registered notary dube. Which I am. Haven't you ever seen my little stamps? Okay. Ew. We don't have all the time in the world because we both have to report each other for different things. So I need to know what your pitch is. Oh, my God.

It's HR. Hi. Puff and stuff? Yeah. Hi, HR puff and stuff? Yeah, I want to report Deb. Can I talk to them? Yeah, here you go.

I went past the phone. Wait, why do they call you? Hey, why are you doing this? Because I'm in love with you. I'm trying to say it for so long. She's cheating on Elmo with HR Pop and stuff. I'm getting a text from somebody who's HR. I'm in the middle of a pitch.

I need to get this guy out of here. You'll never believe the boring person I'm on the phone with right now. I'll call you back. Interesting. I love you. Click. All right. Why do you say click when you hang up the phone?

You don't? Just so everyone in the room. Is it because it's your favorite movie? I do love how the remote kind of changes what is going on. Kind of, yeah. That's part of it. That was my one problem with that movie. It didn't change it enough.

It just kind of changed. It was like, yeah, pausing it for a second. Okay, can you please do your pitch? Can you please pitch your picture? We are looking for, we're giving away so many slots on TV. So much money to do this. We need just whatever bullshit you have. We don't really care.

It doesn't even have to be good. Just pitch it. Oh, no, that's what I mean. I suspected this was how things worked. Hello, sharks. What I have for you today is a situation comedy. How did he know we were sharks? And it's called...

My fin. Seed. Seed. Yes. And Seed is about the inner life of a seed in an apple. Oh, okay. Is this animated? Yes.

It's not animated. But it is in the style of a Pixar movie where we see the interior life of inanimate objects. This is a live action show. It's 90 minutes long. 90 minutes. That's an unusual time. It's the first 90 minute comedy. Wow. Well, movies.

I guess movies are 90 minutes. For a TV show, I meant. Okay. I'll give them it. No, so far, we have a 90 minute slot. We have about four hours that we have to fill it every night. This is perfect because I have many other ideas. Longer the better, honestly.

Wait, you have other ideas? Yeah, but let me get through this one first. Well, I kind of feel like we got it. Yeah, I get it. No, no, no. I get seed. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, there's more to it?

There's more to it. Does seed go to school? Seed does go to school with Seed's twin brother, Seed 2. Because there's two seeds in the apple. Oh, there are only two seeds in the apple. As far as I know. That's like if you had a twin named Phil 2. I do.

It's inspired by my life. Oh, really? So you are a twin. I think you should start with that. I am a twin and I wish I was an apple. Wow. Okay. Yeah, human life is too hard.

I wish I could just be an apple. Yeah. You're all in red. Yeah. You're wearing a big puffy coat that looks round. I have a long, thin hat. If you were an apple, you'd be dead by now. That's what the sign near my apartment says.

That's what I first started thinking. Yes, you're right. I wish I was an apple. Yeah. So seed and seed two, they go to school. They play together. They go on dates together, double dates with other seeds. Okay, not with each other.

But yes. Okay. Do they go out with twins? I've always thought it was a little common. complicated. They do. And I'll save you the trouble. Yes, they do pretend to be each other.

Oh, good. But the other twins also pretend to be each other, so they're dating their own girlfriends. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. That's the situation. Deb, you're exactly right.

It's crazy. And that's what makes this show different. It's crazy. Is that part of the actual show or is that off camera? All that happens. We haven't decided yet because a lot, a big chunk of the show will be off camera. Okay. Dub.

And the screen will just go dark. Can you just pause on your questions for a second? Because I want to know if there's a theme song. Oh my God. Of course there is. Because we only do shows with theme songs. It's kind of essential. We're trying to bring back the theme song.

A lot of people have skipped that part now. Yeah. I know. And I miss that. I miss that a theme song that would tell you everything that the show was about. Exactly. Or even just like, you know, visuals like Survivor used to just be, he sang the song originally i could tell i thought i thought he was lip singing to a recording no it's

his voice but um yeah we want to bring that up anytime could you give me just a little more that survived the face he always does this is it okay to do that i can't quite tell hey it's up to you you're the singer yeah i wrote it it's all jibberish oh even better um anyway what's your theme song. Can you want to hear this? It goes a little something like this. Okay. Times like these, it's almost like I thunk. I wish I came out of a big tree truck. I got to go around life with my best friend who looks just like me. Do do do to do to do to do. I'm an apple and I'm going to say that I'm not actually an apple. I'm just the seed. In my opinion,

everybody's got what they need. Apple seed. Apple seed. There's too much in this world that is green. Everybody has to get a long better than do. I'm an apple seed and how about you? Okay, so that was the extended version that we'd find on Spotify. No, that's the short version. Yeah. I have to fill 90 minutes, Deb. The song is a full 15 minutes long. Really? Yes. So it's longer than stairway to heaven. Oh, yeah. And is there anything on the screen during that? There is a picture of, of an apple and then... Just one picture of one apple?

One picture of one apple. Okay. Then that apple magically splits into, and then you see the two seeds in there. Then you zoom in on the seeds and they say, too close, too close. And then the camera zooms back out. So sorry, sorry. Then the apple closes again. Then you hear to off-screen voice say, I'm going to give her another try.

And you have to really listen close because the theme song is playing the whole time. Yeah. So the cameras start zooming in again. Why do you have to listen close? Well, because it's If you want to hear that, yeah. I guess you can turn the subtitles. How do you know you want to hear it if you never?

No, you can't turn the subtitles on. How do you know? This show will not have subtitles. So it doesn't have subtitles? No. I have a serious question. How do you know you want to hear it if you don't know that it's happening? No, you can hear something, but you can't decipher what it is unless you're listening

closely because the theme song is loud. I think you should have a disclaimer that says if you want to hear what the sort of subtle things are you need to turn it up or pay attention. Should it, should that come before the theme song? I think it should just be said in the middle, but loud. Okay. So how about if we added something in, I like this idea, Deb, and how about if we added something in the said, you may have missed some stuff, why don't you rewind? That's pretty good, yeah. You may have missed some stuff, why don't you rewind? Is that at the end or that's... No, no, no, it's right after Deb said the disclaimer would be. So am I going to say the disclaimer? Would you like to?

I'd love to. I'd love to have you do it. Can you sing a bit of the song and I'll just do the disclaimer over here? Absolutely. Everybody knows if you swallow it. If you want to hear the things that are happening beneath this, you need to turn it up really loudly or pay close attention. Everybody's going to see that you're nuts. That makes me want to grab the remote and just rewind. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. That makes the show last longer. How much am I going to get paid for that? I mean, you're the executive, so you determine. What do we have in the budget? I would say a million can go towards that. Oh, factor in your blackmail.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We can give you, like, a bunch of a Twitter. Wait, are you blackmailing us or we're blackmail? I could, if you like. Yeah, sure. Yeah, let me, here, here's some pictures of me. Thank you.

Oh, la la la. Oh, wait, those are me. Oh, okay. I mean, the Omo costume. You guys realize you have the exact, you have the exact same naked body. We try. We're always checking in with each other every morning to say like, hey, are your muscles a little bit bigger? Moles your stomach.

Everything. Yeah. It's wild. Everything is exactly the same. we get a tailor to come in and take our measurements. They're always exactly the same. Yeah, we're working on getting our heads to be the same. Yeah.

I cut my hair like his, obviously. Yeah. Yeah. And that's how we play, switch it and pitch it. And pitch a sit song. They're the same game, kind of. Kind of, although we'll play pitch of sit song another time. Sitzong can just do rounds of singing.

That's right, yes That's true Row, row your boat Gently down the stream In my opinion The son is your holy shrived No, is opinionation a word

No I loved it though Who would We all did Who were you doing in that Dr. John? Dr. John of course Yes

Yes before. Oh, who cares when you drop kick a jacket as you enter the door? No one there's. What? Sometimes. No one glares. No one glares?

Or cares? I don't know. I thought it was no one there. And no one's there. According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival. And we just might live the good life yet. Do do do do do do do do do do. Guys, I have huge news.

No one glared. That's what I said. Oh, okay. Oh, wait, and no one's spared. Did you say that too? I didn't say that. Okay. Wait, no one's spared from what?

The wrath of condo. But sometimes things get turned around and no one's spare. Oh, I said no one's there. Yeah. Dang. I think no one's there is a little nicer. That's heavy. I remember there was an episode of Mr. Belvedere where the older son lost his virginity.

That's hot. So they show it? Some dude who I never saw it anything. No, I know exactly what it looks like. He had the cool 80s haircut. He sort of, Wait, the Mr. T. Mooc. Sort of floppy.

Floppy blonde guy. The cool 80s haircut. He looks sort of like a Jamie Kennedy type of dude. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to go. Yeah, we all have to go.

We all have to go. This is it. But, you know, we wanted to tell you if you want to reach out to us. Again, you can reach out to us at Threatm U.S. What is it? 3DUSA and Gmail.com. Follow us on the socials, 3MUSA. And if you want to call us, it's Hague claims eight.

It's an easy way to remember it. Hague, then the word claims, and then the number eight. What do Hags want to do? Didn't we find out that that didn't actually work? Probably. No, that was HAA Lain Pooh. Oh, right. No, this one works fine.

You just dial into your phone, just hag, and then what do Hags want to do? They want to claim things, and how many of them, eight? Eight, always. Always eight. Classic Hags. Hags claims eight. You can call us, leave a message for us. You might be able to hear yourself on this show.

But for now, leave us alone. Yeah. We'll tell you when we want to hear from you. Thanks so much for listening to this first episode of our new season. And we love you. We love you. We love you so much. Bye.

Bye.