Threedom - Threevisiting: Hi I'm A Creepypasta

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

Threevisiting on the Tues: Lauren, Paul and Scott talk about whistling, call sheets for a friend group, and listen to voicemails.  Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Like an owlet. I actually did hear. Like what? An outlet? An outlet, yeah. I was actually going to say. You plug a plug into? Because you made a turkey noise.

What Medea plugs? Put in the outlet. Her things into it. That's where I'm from. Franny, my dog, had some issues last week. Oh, no. And I had to give her a bland diet. And I was making.

I thought you were going to say, I had to give her. Now, she loves Indian food. She loves Indian food. She loves it. But I had to calm it down, no spice. You had mild spice. She. Yeah, but it just won't chili pepper.

I had to make her some, like, boiled chicken and some, like, and some, like, ground turkey was an option. So I did that, and I'm telling you, the ground turkey, when I open up that pyrex, it couldn't smell more like a fart if it tried. It is the grossest. Ground turkey in general smells like a fart? I don't even. I don't know, because I've never made ground turkey. I don't, so I don't. You've never ground your own turkey?

Not, no, I haven't. You don't even have a grinder in your house? You're not even on Grindr? No. You're not sluising a bunch of birds? Yeah, I know. But anyway, it smells so fucking gross. Just, but I think...

Thanks for that update. Yeah, I wanted to say it. I just had to share that. I have an update as well. Okay. I can't whistle anymore. Anymore. What do you mean by such?

Here, I... Try this. Here, just do this. Just do this. I know what's on this. I was called upon to whistle in a voice recording. And when I went to do it, I could not make the sound of whistling. Did you get whistle shy?

This is like my bird trauma. Oh, yeah. That's the best I can do. But that's not good. It's not good. It's not good. But you used to be able to? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you think's changed? Do you need more wetness in your mouth? Oh. I don't know. I don't know what it is. my mouth does not feel dry. Well, let me put something in there to work. Ew!

That's how you treat my update? That's so foul. I come to you with an update about music I can make with my mouth. Just like Bismarkey. I was whistling the Brady Bunch theme for Holly and she was loving it. Really?

Yeah, she really liked that. Does she know? Like, did it make her laugh? What was her response? She was just so excited Then she was trying to whistle too Oh, that's precious Yes, we're like that

Wait Paul, can you hawk a look And get like really wet in there That is serious Just be like And then go Wait, I can't even do it now Because I have too much spit in my mouth Every once in a while

I'll get into a great groove in the shower Where I like, my whistling is really loud And it's echoing In the shower? Yeah, sometimes You never occurred to me to do such a thing After I saw West Hyde's story, for some reason, I think I was whistling cool, like, for half an hour. It just sounded so good.

That's a long time to whistle. Also, that's a long shower. I was like, this is professional great. Well, no, I took it longer because I was like, this whistling is too good. You stayed in the shower because you were enjoying your whistling so much. I was enjoying it so out. Sometimes when the acoustics are just so. And we're in a perpetual drop.

Look, this was after the big rainfall. Oh, sure. We had my shower. was collected from the rain and you had buckets all at your feet to collect to water your plants live in a rain barrel yeah um i have to issue a correction or update oh great yeah i was informed by a very kind listener and let me tell you just so you're a list if you're a listener you can be kind when you speak to us online sure and many of you are um every once in a while someone decides not to be most of our piss pigs are wonderful yeah we love our beautiful little guys

out there. Beautiful little guys. Someone told me that the food Instagram that I plugged in the last episode is one that I follow to learn about what I should do for health their options.

Oh no, they're racist. They're anti-vax and they're Yeah. There's a history. Oh, I think it's just mumps. Oh, okay. So I understand that one. Kind of up to you.

But no, I, they said that I probably wouldn't align with the values of this person and in truth, I don't. They also suggested a different food thing to follow. I'm not going to plug that one because I don't even know if that's a good one. Exactly. You have to vet

these and do some opo research. So, you know, all I was really getting out of that account was like, you know, don't buy Doritos, buy these chips if you want to have a healthy day or whatever. You know, whatever. Go ahead. Plug it. No, I'm not going to do that again. I've made the mistake. I mean, you

plug Doritos. Well, I love the stuff. Doritos has flawless politics. Look, and if we're going to get into it. The M&Ms. The M&Ms, they're obviously back. Look, look, look. Lauren, are you embarrassed?

I'm actually not because... Good. No regrets. No regrets. No M&M regrets. Yeah, I don't really... I don't care, and I did fall for their little trick. And we talked about this, Paul. We were both on TV, I say, with Ashley Ray, a fun TV podcast. We were talking about all the Super Bowl commercials. If you want to hear that, you should check it out. Yeah. All 300? I honestly think we touched on...

We talked about the Gutfeld one twice? 75% of them. There were three gutfelds. There were three? Well, three spots that I saw, I think. I only saw two. I only saw one and I... Maybe there was only two.

I don't know. But I saw one that was longer... Oh, you saw an extended cut of the Gutfeld ad? It had such a funny line in it about cultural appropriations. Oh, no, I've seen that one. The one about the night. That was the long one? Maybe, I don't know.

There was a short... There was definitely a short one where they're like, and Gutfeld, or what's the name? Gutfeld. Red Gutfeld. Commercial, uh, go. And he goes, hi, I'm great and then they cut it and there was none of the other stuff i was so confused that that wasn't a local commercial i know i thought that was local so i didn't like a furniture everything about it seemed

yeah yeah yeah um but anyways the m&ms are back um is this goes to the appropriation are you buying for a role in the next one please gutfeld i worked with you once you did i was on that that terrible show he did red eye oh he did red eye as well he yeah because he did he take over from Andy Levy or he was the original? No, I think, I think, uh, I think Andy Levy was the writer. I'm not sure. But Greg, Greg Gutfeld was the host. Okay.

And strangely enough, I was booked on with Gavin McKinnis. Ew. Creator of the Bradford boy. Politics aligning. There is a fun, fun clip out there of me on, on the show with these two. Enjoy it. Who boy. Well, it was, how did it feel to be the least funny person in the room?

It was so funny because my. I think my PR person just, like, sold it to me like, hey, there's the show that we book a lot of comedians on. It's on Fox. Is that okay? I was like, yeah, I don't care, like thinking it was Fox, Fox or whatever. This is how disgusting comedians are. Because they really will. It's like anything. It doesn't matter what it is. Please get me on TV. My quest for fame. A hole in my soul will be filled. Yes. Well, speaking of that, I can't say what it is yet, but I will be on a game. show again. Oh.

And I'm very excited. Wait, I like that. You're on the pyramid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh? You were on the pyramid? No, I mean, it's literally going to happen. My pyramid never aired.

I don't know. Maybe it's going to, I don't know when they air them or what's happening. But I don't think it ever aired. If they don't air, the winners don't get the money. That can't be true. That's true. Is that really true? Well, because I was winning so hard for my people.

I mean, they really better get the money. That's a clause in it. And I remember a friend of mine won. a game show and he won like $250,000 or something like that. And he was just praying it got on the air and that they didn't cancel the game. It was one of those nighttime game shows. He was like, God, because they don't get paid unless it actually airs. So do you think they have a plan, just game shows in general, to not air a batch of them?

I think if a show gets canceled, that's their protection in order to like save money, essentially. Like, well, if we got canceled, we're not going to pay out every single person. Oh, but I don't know if it's canceled. It's kind of funny That it's like Well I won I was like fuck you Nobody saw it

Yeah I mean I actually find that astounding Yeah it was something I never knew about Until like I said my friend won And then he was just like Yeah you don't get paid unless it airs

Did it air? It finally aired and he was like oh thank God But it was like one of these One of these game shows that was like During the millionaire craze Yeah Who wants to be a millionaire was doing so well Like a bunch of competitors

Popped up and it was one of these things Where it was like oh my God If it may get canceled, it might not. I don't remember the other shows of that era. I tried out for one. Like sort of quiz shows? Yeah. I tried out for one, but I don't remember what it was called.

It was on Fox, but I don't remember. I don't know. I went down and took the quiz and all that. Red Eye Jackpot? Yeah, Red Eye Jackpot. Gutfeld's big punch. Look, Godfeld, we love you. You're really funny.

Goodfeld, we love you. Have you ever watched that show? No. It's astonishing because the audience, he has an audience in studio they're not laughing every joke just like dies

Gutfeld we're not better than you though Godfeld we're not better than you no we are I don't even know what I have said it on the other podcast I'm saying it here I don't know what that show is and I thought the commercial was local and I'm just learning and I'm so and Gutfeld I'm learning about you

Godfeld and I'm gonna learn everything I can learn about you online and get to know you, you know, just per socially. Okay, here's, do you think this is funny? This joke I'm going to tell. Okay. My pronouns are go fuck slash yourself. You like that because of because everything's so woke.

Everything's woke. Roseanne's coming back. Thank God. And she announced it by saying my pronouns are kiss my ass. Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. Oh, no, wait, I've heard that 10 million times.

You could say kiss my ass said they want. wanted to kiss my ass said kiss my ass wanted to go to the bathroom how well it's kiss kiss slash my so kiss said my said I don't know I'm already lost so that my ass is the possessive or I the idea that anyone now would do one of those jokes because it is yeah it's but but because there's a there's a community of people out there who are really they'll love it every time bad every time it's good it really is true though it's like you can make the same joke endless variations on the same joke, and they will love it.

Yeah. The Scott Ackerman's story. It's your memoir. Godfeld, we love you. Godfeld, we love you. And I committed to learning all about you and I still will try. Yeah.

Gutfeld, you're the best. But that said, if Godfeld were to call us tomorrow, we're on a plane. Absolutely. We're on this show. To pay respect. It's in New York. We stand on the shoulders of Gutfeld.

I believe it's in New York, at least his last show was. Yeah. It's got that New York field. filmed underground. That's what it feels like. Yeah, like miles underground. In a missile silo. You have to climb down many, many layers of the ladder.

No, elevator. We filmed. We shot, no, you shut up underground. Oh, that's right. Oh, I was there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That was fun. It was fun. It was fun. Right by the airport. There was, what a great area. I wish I could have time a flight somewhere after work. That would have been amazing.

You should have. Every day. Every single day. You fly to Burbank. Yeah, you float Burbank to L-AX. You float to Burbank. You float to Burbank. You float a Burbank.

It only make a couple hundred dollars. It's cheaper than gas. You float a Burbank. Guys, what's going on with the planes these days? There's so many and they're going up and down. They're going down? Some are like going in a straight line. Yeah, I heard of that.

Some are completely full. Some are not. Yeah. It's crazy. Like, I'm not following the plane stuff. What's going on? They're going up or they're going down? Hey, Booty Judge.

I got a question for you. Booty judge. Booty judge. That, that, that. Booty judge. Hunt. When's the last plane ride that you took? You took one recently, didn't you?

Where did I go? Didn't you go to Chicago or something? I did. But what did it go anywhere sooner? Yeah, I went home for Christmas. That's what it was. Yeah. How was it being up there in the friendly skies?

Well, you know, all I saw was I saw white puffy clouds and I saw blue, blue, blue air. Blue air Yeah, yeah Look at all that air It was beautiful It was beautiful I have a couple trips coming up

That I'm excited about some actual girls trips Oh really? Yeah, in March and April You know assuming schedules all work out and everything Yeah Magic Mike A couple places show in Vegas I gotta see magic

How many girls I got to see them Dick swangin One will just be me and Arden And then another one is a birthday trip for my friend where I think there's, I don't know how many have committed to the trip, but there were like seven people invited. And this is a out-of-town trip. Yes.

Wow. Janie has a yearly girl's trip, which I think is very nice. Well, I heard about it on your podcast. And by the way, I also heard the shout out that I'm one of your listeners. And I was like standing there going, indeed I am. I thought her trip's idea sounded so nice. They go to Palm Springs every year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it just seemed like so nice to have that tradition. I felt that way about, because a bunch of us. went out of town for Rob Hubel's bachelor party a while ago before he got married, obviously. And it was so fun and there were like 30 of us in Ohio and just like swimming in the pool

and throwing balls at each other. At like a big house or were you? Throwing balls at each other. Testicles. You know, like trying to catch a ball while jumping in the pool. Oh, yeah, test. Sure, sure, sure.

You know, and there was a past. Everybody said, watch me, watch me. Daddy, watch me. Daddy, watch me. you're throwing pennies in for each other yeah testicles but I was like it sucks that you have to wait for a friend to get married and you can only do that like there's we should have a men you don't you don't have to do that why don't yeah we should have like a men's retreat every year or something like that yeah yeah not but not call it that yeah not with the same people not Rob no he's the only one no I call it that because that's the that's what my church calls it growing up, the men's retreat. The idea of a bunch of Christian Jews getting together

like, let's really talk about our faith guys. Sometimes I'm tempted outside of my marriage. Oh, wow. Yeah, what do you do about that? I looked at a woman's leg. I was thinking about where I went to summer camp every year at Forest Home in Redwoods, California.

Sounds like a cemetery. Squeeze me. Plus you, little on you. Thank you. A little sneezing over there. Just one, just had to let one out. Okay, okay. But there were cabins everywhere, except for when you were...

God, what ages was it? Oh, it was first through fifth grade or sixth grade. You slept out in the ground. No, in Teepees in what they called Indian Village. And the place is still around. I wonder if you can still do that, or is it, like Gutfeld said, cultural appropriations. I don't think it should be called TPs in the Indian. What did you call it?

It was called Indian Village. You can still call things tipies. Okay, but I mean, but I'm saying if they have still. Because they better be a teepee. But if they have teepees and nobody involved is an indigenous person, doesn't that seem like that is appropriation? Yes. Okay.

Like dressing up as a knight and chain mail. I'm saying, that's my culture. I'm saying do they care? Oh, indigenous people? No, no. The Christian summer camp, I'm sure they don't. No, they don't. No, no, no.

I, when I was a kid. Summer camps are very Native American themed all the time. That is true. When I was little, we had... We made, like, Native American, like, art and stuff while we were there. Yeah. When I was little, we went to... The YMCA had a program called Indian Guides and Indian Princesses.

And it would be dads and daughters... Dads and Sons is Indian Guides and Dads and Daughters was Indian Princesses. And, I mean, you know, of course, appropriation aside, really nice bonding with fathers and daughters. It was very sweet. We would go... So it would be, like, all these dads and all these daughters, and you go to, you know, go camping, or you go to like a, like, there was one time where you went to, like, we all stayed at a castle and there were all these bunk beds and it was weird. And then like there was like a princess who had pink colored things. Who even knows? Who even knows? There were just weird locations. There'd be little events. Welcome to my car. And it was really fun. And it was very sweet. And when I think back to that, I'm like, I'm very, like, touched that like my dad did that with both of us. It's very nice. Yeah. That is sweet. It's sweet. I think you loved you. I think you's so. I think you loved you. So what am I so afraid. Just the Indian princess.

And you're an Indian guide. So he was the guide. I don't know. Was he the captain? Would he be a princess? Wouldn't that be both times? That would be called? Because like the guide, dads and sons is called Indian guides.

That's just Indian guides. Yeah. The dads and daughters are called Indian princess. I feel like this was. So the kid is a guide or a princess. I guess. And the dad is just there. But I feel like this was also, Indian guides was also a thing at my church growing up.

as well it well what is the YMCA religious or no I don't know well let's see why youth M men C cooperation a I know you're going to say something worse amen oh amen it is religious yes young men cooperation amen yeah the summer camp I went to was called St. John Newman but I don't remember there being any religious aspect to it like I don't think we I don't there was any church service. I don't think there was like grace before meals or anything. It was just the name. Yeah, there was nothing religious with the, what, the activities, but I'm just wondering if the whole place was religious or not. But what was that, what was that fascination with why so many religious places had like, oh, let's make it Indian themed. I don't

know. I don't know. Like, we made dream catchers or things. I think that was a camping thing. I think that was a camping thing. Yeah. Yeah. They were like romanticizing the outdoors. Yeah. They could have made it like pioneers, but they were like, let's make it Indians because it's mystical. Yes. Good times. Also, it was a way to honor them. It was a way to honor the Native Americans.

Well, that's definitely what. Like Blackface was honoring some black people. I had somebody try to make that argument to me. What? Years ago, yes. Yes. Oh, my God. It's a tribute.

It was a tribute to black people. That's psychotic. Well, I mean, yeah. Don't go. I'm not going to be fair. I guess I can see. Why don't we talk about something dumber? Oh, here's something dumb.

I don't know if you've known. I thought you had something. No, I just meant like, you know, rather than, you know, debating appropriation. I have a new bag. We're not debating it. Discussing. I don't think anyone's four. No, we're not.

But what is your bag? I have this new messenger bag. Because I finally had to admit after having the, the, do you remember my old bag? It was a leather bag. Let's talk about that one. I didn't memorize your bags. No, of course you didn't memorize it. It was brown.

I could see if you saw it every week for a year. I think it might seem familiar. Your eyes are up here. Did it have a flap that went down? I recall you opening the flap for sure. And it was a brown leather. And I had that bag for, I want to say, 10, 15 years. And what happened?

I finally had to admit I hate that bag. Wow. Yes, finally. Good for you. But I liked the way it looked so much. so much. I didn't have the heart to tell you.

But honestly, you went a long time. I emptied it in the dark and then that's impressive. You did it for so, you used it for so long. I wanted it to work so bad.

You didn't like the functionality. I love the way look. I did not like the functionality. Well, let's look at this bag. It's a canvas messenger slash. It's much smaller. What do you call it? It's not messenger.

It's a, but it's not a cross body. It's a vertical. It's a vertical rectangle. So it's not. I guess you could call it a merce. I don't know. Is it,

do you keep your murkin in there? Yeah I have several I keep one of my glove box I have a red Merkin For St. Patrick's Day I said Merket Merkin

So let's look at this Where'd you find us Etsy I found it on Amazon.com Wow Okay Yeah Amazing

I went looking with Specific specifications Can you stand it up please Sure I want to look at it Here it goes That's a good Amazon find I mean it's a good bag

I mean it's Waxed cotton. Another $20 in Jeff Bezos's pocket. Do you think he still gets money when people buy shit on Amazon? Yeah, every day. Why wouldn't he? His bank is full? I feel like he's not part of the company anymore.

Is that not true? I think he ate. I haven't heard that. I don't want to go on record. But I think he is. What's going to happen? I'll go on deep background. You're going to go to court.

Say it to his face. I thought you weren't allowed there anymore. Well, let me look it up. It's a good bag. It's a good bag. call congratulations on your new purchase i hope it makes you feel good but do you know that feeling of like i want this thing to work so it happens with clothes all the time oh my god yeah but i'm getting you hold on to a thing you're like oh it looks so good but not on me there's stuff in this very room

that i'm like oh my god yeah can we see no when you when you when you let yourself get rid of every single you just go no no and i mean i threw away something yesterday that I was like, oh, thank God, I finally did it. Oh, my God. I looked at, I don't want to say it. Wait, can I say something? Can I tell you? Can I tell you?

She said she wanted to say something. I was starting to Google is Jeff Bezos still connected to Amazon. The first three things that come up when you type in is Jeff. Is Jeff the killer real? I don't know who Jeff the killer. Who is Jeff the killer? And I pray he's not real. Oh, my God.

Is Jeff Probst married? and is Jeff Dunham married? What? To one of his puppets. So what are the answers? On all of those. It says N slash A. Oh, my God.

And then I put it in just Jeff Bezos. And then the first thing comes up is, is Jeff Bezos a Jew? Jesus. I don't understand. What I wanted to say was I was doing a big purge. And I was getting rid of a lot of, like, things that we had for a big plastic things that she outgrew that I don't, that I never, like a gate that I never was able to use, like that kind of thing. Someone gave it to me. I'm like, okay, I was going to put it outside.

My neighbor has a baby. So they were like, oh, great. So they were taking, like, a bunch of the stuff that we were parting with that we didn't think we never need again. Yeah, but you don't need all my trash. By the way. I like your trash. Well, no, this is an easy way for. By the way, we're just getting rid of a lot of the zero.

through six months close or three to six months close see it happens so fast yeah well so it was great because I was like I was holding on to so many things thinking maybe I'll want it later and then just I finally admitted about a lot of these things I don't want it but then it was great because my neighbor was like oh we could use all this stuff so it was like it felt very purposeful like I was like great I don't need to have it anymore and you can use it right now and then do whatever you want and that's my point is we should only make one of everything everything yeah and we all pass it around like the community lab well as a tangent I just joined this like by purge cell group of like moms. And it's like giving away or selling for like five dollars like

kid stuff. And I'm like so excited about it. I want to do more of that instead of buying all this stuff new. But, um, I put outside this. I had this lamp. Like I had a set of lamps that I had kind of been keeping forever that I really didn't have a spot for. It was like a nice quality lamp, but it was getting kind of dirty. And I was kind of like, oh, whatever. Like I just put it. I was kind of just trying to go just stop holding on to everything. Let's just put it outside. Someone will come and take it. Because, you know, people are just going on the street. They'll take if it's good trash. And. My fucking neighbor took different neighbor, not these nice people.

No, this other guy took the lamp. My fucking neighbor. He told me he's a junk collector, okay? The lamp isn't junk. I actually kind of, well, I'll tell you. He and his son have this business. He says he's always feigning hardtacks. He was standing looking at my pile of stuff.

And he was kind of like, I collect junk. So does so and so and so. He's kind of mentioning people down the street. I don't know them, but he's like they also like to collect junk. So he's like, can I have this? Can I have this? He's kind of taking home. I'm like, I was like, have that, do whatever you want.

I don't care at all that he wanted to take this stuff. What I do care about is that he has left, he has piles of stuff in front of his house, and now my stuff is in his piles. And I look at it every day, and I'm so annoyed because I'm like, because you wanted to get rid of it. Well, I'm like, I wanted to, now I see that lamp every day. And I'm either like, give it back because now I'm like, I think I could make you work. Or just put it in, it's getting ruined by the elements.

Like I'm like, I don't understand. And then I had this. frame like of this art that we kind of took apart and then there was this frame and we were like Mike was going to break it up then he's like I'll just leave it this man has now taken that and is using it as a sort of gate that he has to get around every day but it's like not useful at all in that way it has huge holes no it was like an art piece a canvas but it had like it has a huge holes in it it wouldn't protect nothing from going in or out yeah and now that's there and I'm looking at that every day going like this is actually this is your nightmare because

I was trying to get rid of stuff. And now I'm like, this man is keeping it all and showing me every day. Do you think he's trying to recreate the inside of your home in his yard from the inside of the house? And he's walking around going, oh, I'm Lauren. It's actually really maddening. All right. We have to take a break. Okay.

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Upfront payment of $45 required equivalent to $15 a month. Limited time, new customer offer for first three months only, speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan, taxes and fees extra, see Mint Mobile for details. Well, hi, everybody. It's Julia Louis Dreyfus from the Wiser than Me podcast. And I'm not going to talk about food waste this time. I'm going to talk about food resources. All that uneaten food rotting in the landfill, it could be enriching our soil or feeding our chickens because it's still food. And the easiest and frankly, way coolest way to put all its nutrients to work is with the mill food recycler. It looks like an art house garbage can. You can just toss your scraps

in it like a garbage can, but it is definitely not a garbage can. I mean, it's true. I'm pretty obsessed with this thing. I even invested in this thing. But I'm not alone. Any mill owner just might corner you at a party and raps and eyes about how it's completely odorless and it's fully automated and how you can keep filling it for weeks. But the clincher is that you can depend on it for years. Mill is a serious machine. Think about a dishwasher, not a toaster. It's built by hand in North America and it's engineered by the guy who did your iPhone. But you have to kind of live with Mill to understand all the love. That's why they offer a risk-free trial.

Go to mill.com slash wiser for an exclusive offer. All right. We're back. And Jeff Bezos is the executive, he is the executive chairman now. He's HBCIC. He is no, exactly. He's no longer the president. With MBSLs?

Oh, boy. He's no longer the president. no longer the CEO. He is the executive chairman. What about the, I don't care about that. What about the previous three questions? Okay, let's find out if Jeff the killer is. I need to know who that is. And I need to know everything about Jeff the killer. Tell me now. Call me now. Did you watch that documentary? Oh, he's a creepy. He didn't go anywhere. Which one? The Cleo, Miss Cleo. Oh, no. Oh, that's disappointing. If anyone wants to hear the reveal and if you don't want to have, you could hit, you could hit four and 15 seconds if you don't want to hear the twist.

I guess of this thing. Starting. She's dead. Now. She's a lesbian. Who cares? Was that it? That was like a big twist at some point.

I went, I don't care. I never thought about her sexuality. I'm more intrigued about if she's scamming. It was like, it was just such a weird, like sort of like, and it was like this nice ending with her

having a girlfriend. I was like, so. Yeah. It was weird. It's like they got into this, they just had to do this documentary in a day. Yeah.

Like, oh, there's no story here. Oh, shit. Oh, she's got a hot girlfriend. Jeff the Killer is a fictional character in the online horror fiction subjean creepy pasta. He is depicted as a pale noseless man with long black hair and a joker-esque grin carved into a space.

Known for his pre-murder catchphrase, Go to Sleep. Mm-mm. You don't think so. I'm scared. Jeff the Killer Origin and History at Dictionary.com. What?

Thanks, Dictionary. Why is the dot com? Why is the dictionary getting involved in Jeff McIlliver? Leave the dictionary out of it. He's the definition of a killer. Here's another question. Where is Jeff the killer live? Is Jeff a serial killer?

I love him. I need to know everything about him now. It's me, Jeff. Is creepy pasta? Go to sleep. Is creepy pasta a children's world? How would I know? Meaning the people.

So maybe it's been Googled a ton because there's a lot of kids wondering if Jeff is real. It must be, right? Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is Jeff, somebody asked Quora, is Jeff the killer real and still alive? Can you imagine having Google as a child? I would have known everything about elephant penises.

Oh, wait, somebody answered, yes, Jeff the killer is real. And whether or not he is alive, I don't know. He was lasting in 2011. That being said, no one really knows if he is alive, but I think he still might be out there. Okay, that's just scary. It's scary. Good answer. Good answer.

God, I wonder, I wonder what game show you're going to be on. You'll have to wait and see. What game show could you be on? Wheel of Fortune, probably. Are you going to be, is it cake? Oh, I would love to do, is it cake? Check out this. Is this cake?

I'm not going to touch you. You won't. You won't trick me. You won't trick me. You will not trick me into touching you again. Are you going to watch the other before Sunrise movies? Yeah, but I want to do them with you. Oh, really?

Yeah. But we can do them like. Yeah, space it out. Yeah. I don't have time right now. Yeah. Not nine years, but maybe. Yeah.

Yeah, we should do it every nine years. So if you're talking about is Jeff Probst, you get married, then you get, is Jeff Proops sick? Sick. Well, like, what do you mean? I mean, we're all like. Today? Creeping towards death. Is that what they mean?

He's been married a couple times. Sorry. A couple times? He was married to Shelly Wright from 1996 to 2001. Didn't work out. This is pre-survivor. Well, Survivor started in 2000. Yeah.

Oh, so then he was like, I don't need you anymore, Shelley Wright. I'm famous now. Shelly wrong for me. And then he's now married to Lisa and Russell as of 2011. I'm so happy for him. We love you. We love you in Gutfeld. He's going on 12.

We love you and gut fill. And you know what else? I think I love Jeff the killer, too. Well, I'm attracted to him based on the description. I like that he smiles. I like that, too. I think that's nice. Plus, no nose.

It takes fewer muscles to have a smile carved on your face. Instead of a frown. That's right. No nose. He can't smell like your gut be a fart. Is Jeff Dunham married? He couldn't smell my ground turkey. Is Jeff Donner married?

He's also been married twice. You might be a redneck if you're married to Judd-Dunham. He was married to paid to Dunham. Different guy. But still true. He was married to Paige Dunham from 1994 to 2010. Good for him. He's been married to Audrey Murdick since 2012.

That's great. Awesome. And the picture of Jeff is with him and Ahmed the terrorist, the dead terrorist. That's great. I forgot about that. That's great. Look, I just have a picture by myself. Nope, get Ahmed in there.

Oh my God. I'm really happy for him. I'm going to find out if the killer is married. It'd be tough because he would constantly be going, honey, go to sleep. And he's like, ah, don't murder me. Trying to think of having a reality recap. Yeah. Well, a million dollar listing is really great this season.

I will throw that one out there. Oh, yeah. I switch my TV provider, so I no longer have my. Oh, let's talk about that. Not right now, but I'd let's know about that later. It doesn't say if he's married, but it does say he is an. adolescent serial killer and registered creepy pasta. So, he kills adolescents?

On the registration. He's a registered creepy pasta. So if you move into a neighborhood in your registered creepy pasta, do you have to go door to door and tell everyone? I am a creepy pasta. Also go to sleep. Have they ever gotten one of those? No, thank God.

He's an adolescent who is a serial killer. But shouldn't you be thanking God if you did get it? Because there are probably... I pretty much think everyone's a pervert and I try to stay away from them. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Yeah.

Jeff was disfigured after being set on fire while fighting a gang of bullies had lost his sanity he lost his sanity when he was set on fire The being set on fire It burned his sanity No fighting the bullies It made him lose his sanity

I'm trying to fight these guys Are they set me on fire? I'm going crazy over here That's honestly so stressful It is stressful Oh my God wait how was Did you go to the Galentine's pickleball game No I did not go

It looked fun I didn't go And why didn't you go? Well because I you know I was sort of like, I have a child, you know. What about that? Well, you know what? I actually don't know I think about pickleball. But then Jessica messaged me and she was like, why weren't you court side next time?

And then I said, you know what? Next time I would be court side. I feel like you're letting this friend group bully you. Yeah. I'm scared of them. You are. You've talked about how you admire them. I do admire them.

But I don't think you want their kind of tough love in your life. I'm scared. I'm scared and ready. Now they're making you be places. No, I mean, honestly. I felt honored that she said I should have been there. I felt like, you know, I'm not, I'm not main friend group here. I'm kind of like tertiary side.

You're a supporting character. I'm a supporting character in their lives 100%. Yeah, I'm like a sort of co-star. You're like the Gunther. I have two lines every 10 episodes. You're 28 on the call sheet. So you think Gunther's probably how, how much down was Gunther? I don't know.

Gunther would have been 12. Who's seven through 11 then? How early did he appear on the show? Pretty early, I think. Okay, so you think he's like number six, no, seven? He's six above Matt LeBlunk. He's number seven? I'd love to see.

Can we get our pause in a friend's call sheet? Were you ever on it? Here, let me look. Janie was a background. I saw the background on that show. I saw the clip. I love that. Yeah, yeah.

We went to, you know, James Michael Tyler, who played Gunther died. Yeah. I guess during quarantine. And we went to his memorial service at Hollywood Forever. and it was wonderful. That's nice. It was a real, it was like one of those, it was a real celebration. It was outdoors.

It was a beautiful day. Yeah. There was like music play. Like he said he wanted his, he knew he was going to die and he wanted his service to be a big party. And it really was. It was a one. And like, you know, this is a person I never met in my life. But to, I felt very privileged to witness the outpouring of love that was that was being, that was on display.

Do you think you'll get one? A funeral like that? I only think about it every day. If you ever died, I think... I don't know that you will. I think your funeral would be really fun. I think it would be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People laughing. A man selling ice cream. There, hold me to that. I'm going to have a man selling ice cream with my funeral. I'll help make sure that happens because I will die after you because I'm younger. That's right. And you're a woman. Yeah.

Here's what I have found. A Friends with Benefits call sheet I will look at that Number one Ryan Hansen What, who's that? He was in Veronica Mars No, but I mean

That's not the same movie I'm thinking of Ashton Coucher and No, I don't think this is a movie I think it's a TV show Oh, okay And then I would need my glasses So wait, we're just looking up call sheets Well I looked up Friends call sheet

No yeah, let me see Friends, here's we're going to do Friends Call Sheet Jennifer Aniston There we go Here's an X-Files call sheet Whistle it Where's the rat man on there?

I clicked on what I thought was The X-Files call sheet And here's what popped up They got you They got you They got you A Walt Disney 1930s horse He fucking got you

Fucking got me Aren't you glad that you do this show So you know what Rick rolling is I love it. I never would have known. So yeah, I just to bounce back, I do feel like I have, I'm a, I am a, that was not me. Oh, I got to take my pill. That's apparently now, because everything's going through my computer when we record, if I get a text, apparently that happens. Wait, but do not disturb.

Do you just touch the screen of that? Oh, I pressed mute. Oh, it looked like you were touched. I was like, that doesn't work that way, sweetheart. What? Hey, dear. I'm just going to mute you, poke. Did you find a friend call sheet?

I didn't. There's too much. The word friends is too general. Yeah. That's a note for that show. Yeah. I just put in friend's sheet. But I do think I'm 28th on the call sheet, if not lower, on the deep dive friends.

I think it's a great idea to make call sheets for every friend group you can think of. And then they should have, everything you invite people to. It should be their call. They should have a call sheet for all of their events. And then they tell a call time and wardrobe. Oh, my gosh. Then they have a stylist theme. They have the makeup and hair.

They have to call. I wouldn't be shocked if they had that for the Galantines Pickleball Tournament. They should. Safety orientation. I love the idea of a call sheet for a party. Yeah. That's actually kind of cute. If it was like a TV themed.

Then somebody's going to take it seriously, though. Like, why am I number 17? Yeah, right. Yeah, you can't get caught up in the numbers. I'm happy to be 28 or lower. Absolutely. I love when you're on a show, you guest on a show that's been on for a million years. and you're like, you're number of 502.

Yeah. On Orange's New Black, I was like number 41. There were so many sort of like. So many people. So many moving people. So fun. I've never been on a show. Wow.

How does that feel on your heart? That. Sarah Silverman program. Yes. I was on that twice. Two different characters. Mr. Show, you had a call sheet, I'm sure.

Sure. I bet we did. I didn't even know how to read them. Or they just told you to show up tomorrow and you'll be film a sketch. So much I had show was like. You were already there. Yeah. It was like, so you're in this.

So much of that show was us trying to figure out show business from people not giving us any clues. But that's honestly, that's how it is, I think, across the board. There's no one explaining anything and you just have to show up and hope you figure something out. That's life, baby. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I was thinking about. Tell us. I drove past a Jack in the Box and I was thinking about how you were talking about Jack in the box in that fry situation. That was.

Carl's Jr., but thank you so much for thinking of me. Oh, damn. I appreciate that I'm in your thoughts at all. Well, because it's going to sound like my brain is even more just centered on myself because I was thinking about how I forgot that I was in a Jack in the Box commercial and I was thinking, why didn't I ever think of that when you're talking about that? Well, it's because you were saying Carl's Jr. the entire time. Yeah, what did you, did you play Jack?

No, I didn't. I was, the premise of the commercial. The premise of the commercial. I didn't. Was Jack ever on set? He directed the commercial. What? He did.

Oh, because the good. The guy with the voice directed all the commercials. That's what a sweet dude. I remember Andy Kindler talking about that. That guy casting himself and he's like, I don't know. I just keep hearing this voice in my head. Specific voice. That's like the Jeopardy guy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeopardy producer. Yeah, I love how instantly that guy was shut down. Well, to replace Alex Trebek, the producer of the show finally cast himself. Oh, that was so crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was really funny. The premise of my commercial was that they were finally serving breakfast

all day and other people were going. Finally, that was a curse for me. I was in the drive-thru along with many other cars as we were experiencing going to our other fast food places and finding that they no longer serve breakfast. So I'm screaming and sobbing in my car because they don't serve breakfast all day. And you're a lunatic. And I'm insane. And then it was opera music playing over us in slow-mo while we all screamed and cried in the cars. And then they're like, don't worry, we have it all day. And how do you feel about it after? I feel great. You feel good? Yeah.

Worth while? Worth your time? It was absolutely worth my time. Yes. Yes. It was one step to quitting babysitting. So from babysitting to Jack at the Box commercial. We now have an intermediate step.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. What did you, what was your favorite Super Bowl commercial? My favorite one. God, Paul, do we decide on a favorite? I think I like the Will Ferrell one the most because I like, I like Will Ferrell. Yeah, that was the least objectionable one. I thought the Dunkin' Donuts one was funny.

I actually didn't see that one play. I have to watch that. No, I thought it was funny. You're not allowed to say he didn't think that. Can I tell you something about talking about talking about? Back in, I'm going to say, my late 20s, early 30s, when I was drinking all the time. I would get drunk. One pill makes you belong.

We all do. We all get it. My go-to when I was drunk was to get two breakfast sandwiches from Jack in the Box. And maybe if I was lucky, I wouldn't eat both of them that night. Maybe there'd be one in the morning. Yeah. That's a good trick. But as often as not, I would eat both of that that night.

Yeah. Yeah. I got drunk the other night and actually. Congratulations. And it was to the point where I was worried I was going to throw up in the Uber on the way home. Oh, no. And then I was, but I focused and I was fine. You were driving an Uber?

I was driving an Uber. I was driving. Yeah. And I got home and sort of... Let me see the back of your head. Why? What does it look like? I think you drove me in your Uber.

Back of my head. You passed me the ox. That's psychotic. That's psychotic. I, uh, sort of did that thing where I kind of like... Go to sleep. Stumbled around my house, making different decisions of like,

I'm going to eat these pretzels. Absolutely. Leave those here. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. Decision. And then. And, like, I actually went to bed with my makeup on, which I never do.

And you look so good the morning. I looked beautiful when I woke out. Does the Joker take his makeup off what he was in? I wonder. That's a good question. He seems to have nice skin under the makeup. I think he was getting really crackly. I honestly, other than the Heath Ledger version, I thought his face was naturally like that.

Yes, I thought so too. Oh, that's a-so, I thought so, too. Anyway, it was a fun time. I actually was, like, really had a great night. What, can you say what the occasion was? I went to a housewarming party. Fun. Yeah.

It was a fun house. Yeah. It was a fun house? It was fun. And it was a fun mix of people that I don't always see. So I had a lot of nice convoes. Nice. Very nice.

I like that for you. Did you hear any gossip? Let me think. Yeah. Okay. We have to take a break. Lauren's going to tell us a gossip. We'll be right back.

Tell us a gossip. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Fall, autumn, it's great. Sweater weather leaves crunching under your feet. Maybe a special fall-flavored latte. But fall also means the days are getting shorter and it's dark out more, which can be really hard for so many people. So this fall, BetterHelp wants you to reach out to someone special in your life.

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You fell out a short questionnaire that helps identify your needs and preferences, and BetterHelp matches you with a therapist. If you aren't happy with their match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time. That is part of the thing. It's part of the process. You try people. I did it, and then finally found the person that was right for me. This month, don't wait to reach out.

Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash freedom. That's B-E-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash freedom. Hello, I'm James Corden, and on my new show, This Life of Mine, I sit down each week with some of the most fascinating people on planet Earth. From Dr. Dre to Julianne Moore, to David Beckham, to Cynthia Arrivo, to Martin Scorsese, to Jeremy Renner, to Denzel Washington, to Kim Kardashian. We talk about the people, places, possessions, music and memories that made them who they are.

These are intimate conversations, full of stories that you've never heard before. This life of mine premieres October 21st, wherever you get your podcasts. Oh my God That was fun That happy hour snook up on me God, I love day drinking Okay, so we looked for Lauren's Jack in the Box commercial

And instead we found a video Where she's making fun of drunk driving God, I don't know That's an old web series So typing in Jack in the Box breakfast all day, you get a lot of people reviewing Jack in the Box menu. There's so many. There's so many. What could be the difference in any of the things that they're saying?

I really don't know. This commercial might be hard to find. I found the YouTube link. It is now unavailable. Really? Yeah. Dang. So sorry, no longer available because the YouTube account associated with.

with this video has been terminated. Oh, God. Execution style. With extreme prejudice. So sorry. Sorry, everyone. You can't see it,

but you know what? That's for the best. Shouldn't everything be online all the time? Agreed. You know what I mean? I think what are we doing? All be online all the time. I think everything should be deleted and we'll start over.

Okay. I think that seems better. Why do I move everything to porn hub? Yes. It's a hub. It's got a hub in the name. Yeah. We all love it.

it's the number one place Put everything up there Put that new Batgirl movie up there Put it all Is it time for a three cha? Oh my god it is Or a voicemail

What do you want to do? Oh, Let's do a voicemail Yeah I have my little snack here I'm gonna have a story If you would like to call us You can call us at

Hague Claims 8 Hmm All right So let's see How do I do this? Oh boy You did it before I know, but there, okay, here's the problem.

He put them all in one file. Okay. All right, I'm skipping to this one. All right, here we go. Hey, three, them, boys. I don't have a funny question. Okay, bye. No, that's good.

All right. I like it when it's not funny. Yeah. Hey, three, them boys. I don't have a funny question. I was just curious if any of you ever have, like, anxiety or if you've ever had, like, a panic attack on stage while performing. And if you have how you go about hiding it or how you deal with it,

yeah, I don't know. Just curious if you guys ever have to deal with that. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much. You know, it's hard when you're on stage and you start getting nervous because like your breathing gets really shallow and it's very difficult to do the

necessary thing because you're you're expected to talk like i'm talking about when you're doing stand-up yeah if suddenly you start getting like oh fuck i'm bombing and you start getting nervous it's very difficult to recover because your breathing is getting like more shallow and but you have you have to be talking yeah at the same time so the best thing you can do is put yourself in a mind state where you don't give a shit before yeah i i've never i don't think i've ever had a panic attack on stage or something. But I've definitely felt like anxious. I never I don't know. I feel like although I've bombed plenty, I don't know that it ever felt panicky in that way. It felt more like you just have to keep going. It just to me, you had good material. My, well, my material sucks. I did not

always. My, my memory of that feeling like from the earliest days when it was when I did not have the the skills that I have now was that it just felt bad. It felt like scary, like, oh, no, this is, it just felt humiliating. Yeah. Like, this is bad. And I have to keep, and I can't just leave. That's the thing. It's more just like it feels bad, but it's not, um, my, your brain's aware that it's bad.

You just can't stop because you have to keep going. Of course, I have a famous story. And you could hear it on laboring under delusions, um, one of my albums, um, about doing a New Year's Eve show where people threw ice at me. Wow. But I still did my time. Wow. And then realized later I probably could have left and no one would have said anything.

Well, the other part of, by the way, that was Carrie. The other part of her question was, have you ever had a panic attack? Yes. I don't think I ever have. I've had one or maybe two. I would know it, right? I can't say it. I wasn't during the show, was it?

I'm having it right now. You look great. I know. See? I can keep it. No, it was horrible. I don't want to speak about that. Okay, thanks for your question, Carrie.

Yay. Here's, this is Shannon, I think. Here we go. Hi, Scott, Paul and Lauren in no particular order. Oh, but we asked the order was noted. I was calling because I got into a big argument with my boyfriend because I was buying a gift certificate for someone from a restaurant, and he invited that person along to go get it.

What? And he did not see the problem in there, hence the argument. What? Hold on, I want to back. No, no, no. I forbid it. It's insane to think that if you're getting a gift for someone, the person the gift is for, maybe you shouldn't be there during the time of the gift getting.

Okay, love you. Bye. Yeah, he's totally wrong. Why would you invite that person? It seems weird. They can watch you buy the thing and then you hand it to them. Maybe that's their kink. Where are you kink shaming this guy?

I don't. I think she probably would have said if it was his kink. He wants to watch you buy this. It wants to cuck my gift. It does. But it also is a great TV show. Cuck my gift. I feel like for the person who gives the gift, it does sort of.

It cheapens it for them. Yeah. You know? It doesn't feel special. It feels like, first of all, that person had to do the errand of going to the place. Because why not just give me money? Yeah. If we're going to be here together.

Yeah. Why don't you just buy it for me? Here's my question. Why is this a fight? Like, why couldn't? I think because. Why can't you ask? Oh, I get why this.

This is a fight. No, why, if you ask and say, why do you want to do that and he can't explain it, then you have a communication problem where this person cannot communicate with you. Well, like, if you're like... You're saying what we have here is a failure. My question also was, did they go have food or no, they just went to the restaurant to buy the gift card and then they were going to go do something else together? Like, that's insane.

Like, you can't bring the person on the errand of their own gift. Also, you can say that's unacceptable to me and say like, oh, Oh, no, I wanted this to be a secret. So the person can come in the car as long as we keep it a secret. If that's why I'm going to the thing. I think a great way to avoid a fight is to say things like, that's unacceptable to me. Yeah. Yeah, that'll keep it real nice.

No, but I guess what I'm trying to say, Paul, is like, don't be afraid to say your own feelings about how you feel about something. I agree with that. And where your boundaries are. Well, it sounds like she did not have an issue with that. Right. They had a fight. Great. Yeah.

Anyway, drop him. Well, we settled that one. Um, here, this is Natalie. Okay. Hello. Hi. I love they're all ladies. Thank you.

Um, like two years ago, you promised to tell jury duty stories. No, we didn't. And then you didn't. Promised. So that hurts. Oh. But here's an opportunity to give us jury duty stories. Go.

Oh. How is it possible there are stories we haven't told already? Uh, if we didn't talk about jury, I, I, I must have missed an episode. I got jury duty. once when I was that I actually went to other times I deferred it

and they didn't call me back or you know what I did no one more recently I called in trying to go and then they just kept saying I wasn't needed until it ran out and then I wasn't needed like I actually was doing my due diligence

but I got jury duty when I was like 21 or something and I was in Chicago and I went and I remember I went and sat there and just like I had like my book and my snacks and then I found

filled out some forms. They never interviewed me and then I was sent home and that was the end. There you go. Yeah. How about you? I have gone twice.

One time I went and I got excused because they prefaced it by saying this is going to be a long trial. So you got to get your affairs in order. And it was during pilot season. This is back when I, yeah, you might die here.

That's how long it's going to be. your future grandchildren. By the way, you're all going to end up fucking each other. It was, this was back when I was a working actor and it was pilot season and I was like,

I had to write out a letter and say, this is the time of year where I try to find work. There's also the back in the days when there was a pilot season. Yeah. And I can't,

you know, if I don't get a, if I don't get a job within this time, I probably won't get a job. Right. And I was, I was mortified. I was like,

this judge is going to yell at me. You think you're better. Judges love to yell at me. And so I had to wait through, you know, selection or something. I don't know, not through selection,

but there was another address that the judge gave to everybody and then afterwards said that I was excused and I was so relieved. And then the second time I did it, I was chosen and I sat on a trial and it was a real,

bummer of a trial. Oh, I think we've, you and I at least have talked to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it lasted about a week and it ended, it ended in a hung jury and we were all dismissed. What? Any jury with you as a hung jury. Wow. Thank you.

I just remembered I had a court date years ago. I totally forgot. I think from one of my car accidents, but I'm trying to remember. And you never went? No, I went. It was like, I think I was in high school and I had to go. to court with my dad and then they like made me feel really bad and I was like so your dad took you to this native American thing and he took you to court yeah great dad yeah take better cart and I had the

judge had to like I talked to them about what I did and what happened and then they told me what I had to do because I had to go to drive driving school or traffic school yes yes yes and then did you go to comedy traffic school it was hilarious and I was I felt so ashamed and horrible and scared sure yeah it's terrifying yeah okay I was so terrified when I was I I know I've told the story before but I got arrested for smoking on the subway when I was like 19 years old and I was issued a court date and I didn't go yeah and then mail started coming to the house saying a bench warrant has been issued for your arrest and my mom is saying what is this and I'm like I don't know it's crazy did she not know you smoked is that why you wanted to keep it secret I think she know I smoked but I did not tell her that I was

arrested yeah and then um I tried to go one day. I think I tried to go on the day and I couldn't find the building. Yeah. And then... This is before Google. This is before Google and before I knew any fucking thing.

And I just, then I just didn't go. Like, I just didn't go. That's such a move. Yeah. And I got like a few more... I can't find it.

Forget it. I got a few more summonses. But that was like how I dealt with things was like just total shutdown. Yeah. I can't. This is too big for my... Too much for me to. Yeah.

I'm just not. I'm just not going to deal. Yeah. That happens with a lot of people. Hope it goes away and guess what? It did. Wow. Because I feel like I would have gone into some building and be like, can you help me?

But did it hang over your life for like eight years? Like where you constantly thought about it because I had a warrant. I think I thought about it for probably a year. And then nothing happened and it kind of went away. And I was like, this is such a, I think I also was assured by people like, they're not going to fucking. Right. Try to find you in a rescue. Yeah.

Yeah. I had a warrant for probably seven. years or something like that for like a speeding ticket or whatever. Where I, same thing. I couldn't find the court at, like, and it just, I ended up not going. Your ineptitude saved you both of the people. No, but my thing is, anytime I drove, I was. My competence of my cowardice.

They came through. Anytime I drove, I was so paranoid about it of, like, getting pulled over, them calling the warrant, then they impowed my car, they did in jail for years, for years and years and years and then finally I went in and dealt with it one And it was like the judge, I went before the judge. And it took me like a half hour. He basically like called me up and said, why didn't you deal with this? I said, I don't know.

And he said, okay, well, I'm going to reduce the thing. And you reduced it down to 100. I was like, I didn't have the money. He reduced it down to 100 bucks. It was like, all right, get out of here. It was like so simple. Wow. That I was like, why have I been under this like massive cloud for years and years

when I could have just taken care of it? Then you also hear shit like, you know, you go there and the cop won't show up and sort of dismissed or whatever. Oh, yeah. I think that happened in my thing. Yeah. The other thing I read is when no couples you're over and uses radar, you're supposed to say. And when was the last time that was calibrated, sir?

And they have to write it on the ticket. I don't know. Oh, no, I guess my cop had to show up because I had to go to driver. I love what people's advice is to be an asshole to the cop. Yeah. Oh, my God. And then what you should say to him is you pay his salary. Well, also, we should just say, don't talk to cops.

don't ever give them any, don't answer any of their questions. That's right. So my one jury duty story was, I had the same thing where I kept deferring because, like, I remember I was working on Sharkdale at the time. I'm like, literally the movie's opening. I can't do this.

And they're like, well, you have to do it at some point. I was like, yeah, but now? And they're like, no, you can defer. Okay, well, let's do it. But the last time I did it was in Burbank. And have I not told this story? But I don't know. Apparently, we haven't.

I got, there was a group of a hundred of us. And first of all, my friend. A hundred, Scott Ackermans? Yes. This is spooky. And the person on trial was me. Oh, no. Was Jeff the killer on the jury?

But, um, so there was, they got a hundred and they were looking for, I think they were looking for like, either 24, you know, because of 12 alternates or, that's right, or 16 or something like it. So my friend who was a judge. said, hey, when you're filling out the form of, like, all your information and it asks what you do for a living, write down every single thing you do, like, podcaster, you know, actor, like every single job or hobby you have, because then you look like an insane person. Hobby? Yeah. You said, you look like an insane person to the judge and they'll get rid of you,

right? Oh. So I did that. And then, That actually sounds logical to me. Yeah, because it sounds unhinged and like you make no money doing any of the things. But in these days of the side hustle, it's less ludicrous than it used to be. But so I did that, but it's, but it didn't, they didn't get rid of me. And so this is a two day thing. So the first day they passed out these like badges and the judge admonished everyone. He says, you are going to need these badges every single time you come in here.

And if you do not, this is the most important thing in your life. if you do not have this badge when you come in, you are going to be chewed out by me from the bench, right? So everyone like had to have these bags with curse words. Yeah. Like cut. Do you lose yours? I'm going to roast you to filth.

Jeff Ross style. It's going to be like a caricature artist on the boardwalk. So that was how we started. And then did you lose it? Well, let me get to this. I like to jump ahead. So we hear what the trial is. going to be about what it's what the type of thing it's going to cover and he starts interviewing

people numerically i was number 60 something right he starts with number one and he starts just interviewing people um saying like here's what the trial is going to cover will you have a problem being impartial and it was very interesting because people immediately like if they didn't want on the jury they would go like yeah i would have trouble being impartial and it was very interesting because the judge kept steering them into out of politeness they felt like they couldn't because he's like no you could be yeah he kept steering them into like going like yeah you're right i can do it i can do it and there was only one guy who was like absolutely not i cannot be impartial and he he interviewed him for 15 minutes going but if this happened surely you could

put aside those things nope i would never be able to do that i cannot be impartial in this jury and finally after 15 minutes of just excruciating things he goes all right you're free to go and it was like damn that guy actually like withstood 15 minutes of grilling yeah he did it yeah yeah yeah so uh i so i get by the way this is uh the day that uh i wrote that letter for you i don't know if you remember this with your old manager um i don't on my lunch break your old man your old manager called me to write an email on your behalf and well let's get into that later i only had a 45 minute lunch break. Oh, what a hero. I wrote an email for you. Um, but, um, so Kulap picks me up in her car, which is a pristine car has nothing, no trash in it or anything like that. Um, we, we get home.

She picks me up because we're going to a restaurant. We go to the restaurant. We go home. And then I'm looking to go to the next day. I'm looking for this badge and I can't find it. And I'm like, hey, Kulap, can you look in your car for the badge because I can't find this badge. She looks in it and goes, it's not here. I've looked everywhere for it. It's not here. And I go, I'm fucking in trouble. So I go the next day. And this judge, like, you have to have the badge to get into the room. And whoever doesn't have the badge doesn't get in the room. And so, like, I get put off to the side. And he just tears into me. And he's like, what did I tell you yesterday that you had to have this badge? What happened to it? I said, I'm just like mortified. Because the other thing is, another juror, like, recognized me. It was like, such a big fan. No. I'm being like shoot out in front of a fan.

And I'm like, I lost it, sir. Your honor. Whatever I call you. And he and he just like yells at me for a while. I'm just like sitting there taking it going fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. So they get all the people they need before they ever get up to 60, whatever. And so we're all let go at the end of the second day. Just having curiosity, I go to Cool Up's car.

It's sitting right there in the car. What? How did she miss? I don't know. Oh my God! That's insane. I did not see that coming at all. Oh my God.

Wow. Do you think the person who called and left this message was the one who saw you get chewed out and wants you to tell that story? You guys said, you promised a year ago that you would tell a story about jury duty. It was so emasculating. I'm a 40-whatever-year-old man being yelled at by another 40-year-old man for losing a piece of paper that's been laminated. That sucks. Oh, and then the other thing was, as I'm leaving, I see a little wall of celebrities who have done jury duty, and there's weird Al going, ah, that shouldn't be celebrated. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Ow. All right. Well, we're running out time for this episode. Who's your judge friend? Is it Judy? Yeah. All right. I peed on our leg once. Do you saw her it's raining? No, I told her it was pee. Okay. Thank God. Good. Don't make the mistake on me.

we have to go but look if you're still listening to this you're probably in for the long haul right yeah yeah yeah thank you for sticking it out this is our last episode and until next week oh yeah we should say until next week yeah um but this is this is our final episode until we come back next week yeah series finale of episodes that end now yes series finale of this week's episodes oh okay and um we love you for listening. If you would like to call us... By the way, if you ever listen to one of these episodes,

the last two minutes or so, Lauren's on her phone looking, catching up on emails while we talk. Look, let's get through these stats and let's get out of here. That's Lauren's cool down period. And you respect it. I need it badly. But...

Freedom USA. You'd like to call us. It is, of course, Hague claims 8, the number 8. Of course. And 3MUSA, gmail.com. If you want to send us a three-true idea, a little game we can play. We are 3DM USA on the socials. And if you'd like to listen to ad-free versions of this podcast, you can do so at Stitcher Premium or cbvvworld.com.

And until next time, remember, eat a peach. And shoot the breeze. And hang it up. Bye. You know, when you're just going about your busy day, then a voice asks you something like... Why do people have crushes? Or...

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