Threedom - Threevisiting: Hot Dog Chart

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss Lauren's Topics, Sesame Street and the Electric Slide before playing It's Not What It Looks Like. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail at HAGCLAIMS8.com. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Tired of not being able to get a hold of anyone when you have questions about your credit card? With 24-7 US-based live customer service from Discover, everyone has the option to talk to a real person. Limitations apply. See terms at discover.com slash credit card. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This year has gone by so quickly, right? Am I right? Person that I'm talking to who's listening to me right now, right? Well, right now is the perfect time, even though we're not halfway through the year necessarily, but it is the perfect time in my opinion, to reflect on everything that we've accomplished so far,

as well as all the things that we still want out of the year. Therapy can be so helpful in that reflecting process. A good therapist can help you step back and analyze properly celebrating your wins and processing the setbacks. Therapy can change lives everyone. We're huge fans of it here. We talk about it on this show.

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Freedom! And freedom to you! And a merry freedom to you! And there is freedom! What day is it? It's freedom day, Grandfather! It's Thursday, you. Oh, you there? What day is it? It's freedom day, grandfather. Again? Grandpa?

It's Thursday, my dear grandpa. Welcome back to Freedom, the show. Thank you. I'm Paul F. Tompkins. I'm Lauren Lapkus. And I'm the show, Freedom. You're not the show. The show came alive.

Hello, everyone. It's adapting. I'm in Scott's body. It's adapting. Deededeededeedeedeedeee What? Not even a parody of the hustle. It's adapting. That would be fun in a monster movie

where it's like an alien and then it learns how to do things that we do to defeat us. And it comes down and does the hustle. And it does the hustle and then the scientists are like, it's adapting. Doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot Why don't I wind it up? It does the hustle and it does the hustle and then the scientists are like it's adapting It's electric, okay, are you trying to say that? I mean, that's what I was parodying but I then sang the hustle. It's electric. It's electric It's electric Um... Doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot

doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot

doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot It has words? Who can explain it? It's electric. Boogie, woogie, woogie. What? I didn't know it had words. I've only seen people do it, I guess. I don't think I've ever been at a place where they've played the actual song. Oh my God, you've never been to a bar mitzvah? You've never been to a wedding? Wait, what was your example, Lauren?

Bar mitzvah. People dance it, but I don't think they dance it to the actual song. Oh, there was no music. Yeah, silently. They just went. That would no music. Yeah, silently. They just went... That would be chilling. A couple coughs. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. All right, everyone, now it's time for us to do the electric slide. Everyone be quiet. Shut the fuck up. Um, I don't...

We may have talked about this before. I don't know how to do it. I guess people learned it in gym class. I was always astonished at how people all knew before. I don't know how to do it. I guess people learned it in gym class. I was always astonished at how people all knew it when I would go to a wedding or something. Yeah, I don't know how to do it either. But we should learn how to do it, shouldn't we?

What do you mean we should learn? Of course we know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I do. Okay, well how did you learn it? School dances, bar mitzvahs, things like that. I mean, I went to many,

I think it was mostly a bar mitzvah situation because I went to a lot of bar and bat mitzvahs when I was in middle school. I did not know it was a bar mitzvah staple. Well, at least in my experience, there's like, you know, oftentimes a sort of bar mitzvah hype person who will teach the kids the dances and you do it all as a group.

Is that its own job? Like they're just hired for that? They might be. I once had a character that was based on this. Not that anyone cares, but so I've thought about this. You put nobody cares in character. But anyways, they, I think they do like party, you know, party pump up sort of thing and like go and you sure. Yeah. Have you ever been to a bar mitzvah? I never have party. Oh, that makes sense. That's true. You do have parties. I've been to one. My neighborhood was all I think there was like one Jewish family in my neighborhood.

Everybody was either Catholic or Protestant. And I went to Catholic school, so all my friends were Catholico. Yeah, I guess you both were kind of religious. I had a couple of Jewish friends, but I don't think I knew them in junior high. I think I got to know them in high school, so I wouldn't have gone to their bar mitzvah. I went to my cousins when I was like an adult, when I was 22 or something.

Did you... You might be too... I think you'd probably be too young to remember this, Lauren. And Scott, this might be on the edge for you, but there was a PSA... Edge me. ...that ran for years, for a little while, I guess, on... Maybe they ran it Saturday mornings when kids were watching cartoons.

I don't need to know the time. It was, well, you do, Scott, because it might help you put it in place and time, okay? Okay, all right. Oh! Lauren, is it just me? No, man, it's not just you. I'm almost out of...

I'm jumping in the pool. Look, Lauren's furious right now. I'm jumping in the pool. Look, Lauren's furious right now. I'm jumping in the pool too. It was a PSA to teach kids about racism very briefly. Or con. And quickly. It was con, it was saying, it's not good, don't do it. But it was a little, it was a white grandfather

and his white grandson in a fishing boat and they're fishing. And the little boy says, grandpa, what's a racist? And the grandpa- Look at the mirror. The grandpa, well- Look into the water. Don't spoil it.

The grandpa says, why do you ask? And he says, well, my black friend Tommy says that I'm a racist. And the grandpa pretty much says, well, if you call him your black friend, then that is racist. Oh, that's a good PSA. Yeah, but it's so funny that the grandpa is like,

yeah, you are one. I agree with your friends. I take his side. And you'll never change. This is, of course, this is my memories transcription of it. Do you know what I mean? Sure, yeah. Real life was probably more gentle.

I think you're thinking of the Simpsons, but yeah. And also, like, it's an interesting take, because I feel like usually it's the grandpa who's the one. Exactly! It'd be like my... Listen, I didn't fight in WW2 to have a bigot for a grandson, you piece of shit. You're no better than the Nazis.

My friend thinks you are a bigot, or You're a racist. Who? Your black friend? See, grandpa? See, grandpa? You're not supposed to say it like that. I've got some words for him. I was just watching this documentary. It's not, it was probably a TV special. Have you never said that word before? Well, because I don't think that it was one. I mean, it kind of was. It was sort of like a dateline, but not dateline. You know, just sort of a little special about Sesame Street.

50 years of Sesame Street. And I kept trying to watch it. Which years? Which 50? I think the first 50. And Mike kept being like, why do you want to watch this? It'd be weird if they skipped the first year and just did the last 50. Yeah, exactly. He just was like, I don't want to watch that. Every time I try to put it on, he's like, why are you trying to watch that? And I was like, I just think it might

be interesting. And then he just kept being like... Yes. Of course it would be. He was just really not interested in it. But I will say, I think there's an actual documentary about Sesame Street that probably is way more interesting than this. It wasn't that interesting. I think he was kind of right. Cause it was kind of just like- Was he predicting the future

or he was just not interested in it while it was happening? I think both. He didn't actually see any moment of it, but I- Oh. Well, when the commercial came on for it, I was like, I gotta record that. I gotta see that. And then he's like, why?

And I was like, I don't know. I want to see that. And I was like, I don't know. But- It's just some story. No, I know. There was something I was like, I don't know, I want to see that. And I don't know. But it's just some story. No, I know there was something I was gonna say. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. It's such a strange thing to question it.

It's been on for 50 years. It was a form, it was such a huge Groundbreaking. Formational thing in our child. And every, like how many generations of children? Like, why is that interesting? Why would anyone wanna see something like this? So there's a part though

that I thought was really interesting that they had, there was a scene that was cut from Sesame Street where they had spent a lot of money on this episode and trying to make this happen and had a lot of specialists come in to discuss this topic. And it was all about divorce. And it was Snuffleupagus, his little sister. Did he finally get divorced from Big Bird?

Yeah. They're friends. Snuffy's dad, who's like a big Snuffleupagus wearing a tie and sunglasses or something or glasses. And he's like, he takes the kids to their house and they're like, we're home. And then they're like, let's go inside. And he's like, no kids, I don't live here anymore. Oh the worst way to break a divorce.

No don't you, they already knew he's like don't you remember I don't live here anymore and then they said that the kids they tested it on some kids and they were all so confused and sad watching it. It sounds, the way you're saying it sounds confusing. Except for one kid who was like, mm-hmm. Well, they didn't show the whole thing with like how it was explained fully, but. It seems like there's a better way to deal with the topic of divorce than that particular execution

of like, hey kids, you're home. Well, no, she said stop. I think there was more to it. She just said there was more to it, come on. But I also think that it was relatable, because it's like if you're a little kid getting dropped off between homes, like that's probably confusing. And then you have this little girl's like being reminded like, no, I don't, I don't go inside there anymore.

And then these kids were so hurt by this, this video that they showed that they didn't air it. But then the people making it were really upset because they had put in so much time and effort and they're like, please air it, please air it. But then the people making it were really upset because they had put in so much time and effort and they were like, please air it, please air it. And they said no. Who was upset? The grips or?

The puppeteer, the muppeteers? Oh, the muppeteers. I think they're still called puppeteers, I believe. I feel like they're called something special. Paul rolled his eyes really hard and super hard. I'm sure you heard it. It was like a sound, but I just thought, oh my God, that show is so educational and so interesting and like to that's such an interesting episode to have. But now they're they're trying to me. Well, Mr. Rogers is talking about RFK's assassination. Yeah, he got into a lot of shit on his show.

Did he think it was a conspiracy? Yeah, it was all about conspiracies. Did you see that documentary about him? Mr. Rogers? Yeah, it was a good one. I have not been able to watch it yet because I know it's going to make me cry. Yeah, so how many years are you going to wait? And you have never done that. And I've never, I to watch it yet because I know it's going to make me cry. Yeah. So how many years are you going to wait?

And you have never done that. And I've never, I can't start now. But how many years? You need all that water in your body. It's most of my body is water. A lot of people don't know Paul lives in a desert. I live in a desert. He cannot afford to cry.

A desert. I can't afford to cry. I can't afford to cry. Cry. This is what it sounds like. When Paul cries. Wee, wee, wee. Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Wee, wee, wee. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Talking about Sesame Street, though, leads me to an interesting topic, which we have not discussed. Fingers crossed. On this show. Is this one of your topics?

Well, I think it should be part of Lauren's topic. Not Scott Ackerman's Streets on Parade. No. Where you just name every street you've ever been on. Come on, do it. Okay, there's Lexington. That's where you start. That was where I went to junior high.

Oh my God. That's weird. No, this is Lauren's topics time. All right, well I have a topic. Lauren has a topic and and she never talked about it on this show and I thought that maybe we should talk about it. Okay, we can address it finally once and for all. Well, look. Look.

Look. Here's the deal. We may have to cut this because it's too traumatic for kids. I'm very happy because I'm pregnant. Yay! Yay! From both of us! Yay! Oh, no!

Oh, God! No! Freedom baby! No! You are the father! But, for anyone out there who is wondering why we're on Zoom, that's a huge part of it, so. Yes.

Get off my ass! So we had to transition to Zoom, because first of all, we can only do one episode at a time and setting up the all the stuff. Yeah, we were doing two episodes at a time outside and then I found that after both times doing that, I was extremely exhausted. I had a headache all night long. All night long. Headache. So I requested that we move to Zoom and, you know, it's just been so great for me ever since. I was outvoted. I said, I don't care.

I'm not pregnant. So why should I have to do Zoom? But Scott outvoted me. So we are a democracy. No, I voted that you should get pregnant. Yes. And I'm trying, so. Please try. I'm trying, I'm injecting myself with so many things. Ah.

Well, Lauren, this is great, great news. We have known for a little while longer than the public. Yes. And we've danced around it in previous episodes. Oh my god. Like dancing around the raindrops with your pregnancy talk. We've come so close to talking about it.

We've edged right up to the... We've edged ourselves right up to the edge. And now this glorious release. Um... We can finally talk about it. Lauren, what's it like? It's so exciting. First of all, I'm so excited and happy for you, and I can't wait to meet little baby Lapkus.

Aww, Castle. That's not what I'm going to call her. I'm assuming it's a girl. It is a girl. It is a girl, wow. I don't know if we've talked about that. No we haven't. I haven't anyway.

I don't know if you're going to side chat with Scott. When you and Mike got married, did he like turn to the crowd and say, castle takes queen? Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. And then everyone applauded and was like, oh, you're so cool. That would be so disgusting.

I mean, Mike does love chess, but that's a bridge too far. He does love chess. Now, you don't have to, I'm not asking you to tell me, but do you have a name? We do have a name. It's actually been interesting because my mom... Crosse-sourced? Yeah. Nobody knows the name except me and Mike.

And my mom has been trying to guess it for a while, which I had to just go like, I will never say it, so we have to stop this. But she had a lot of interesting guesses My mom has been trying to guess it for a while, which I had to just go like, I will never say it, so we have to stop this. But she had a lot of interesting guesses to throw out there. What was the weirdest one? They weren't really weird.

They just weren't really names that I would probably pick. Like she said like Danielle, and I was like, no. Danielle? Like Danielle's a fine name. I'm just like, doesn't that seem random for me to name my baby Danielle? I don't know. Um, it was just a random.

She just was coming at me with like Bella Ella. Danielle Bella Bella Jella, Kella Lella. Until something sounds right. But we have said it accidentally in front of a couple of people, and then they didn't hear. It was like, oh. The perfect rhyme.

I know. My friend was over helping us move some furniture. Bill W. Who? Bill W. Oh, my friend Bill W. William Bill for short. Yeah, I get it.

And then we said put it in so and so, we said the name, put it in so and so's room. And then a minute later he goes, wait, did you just say it? And we were like, yeah. And he was like, oh my God, I didn't hear what it was. And it was a little bit. Ah.

And then Mike did it the other day, he said it in front of someone and I was like, you gotta watch that tongue, buddy. Ah. It's a secret. But that means you guys are saying it yourselves to each other so much that it's like, it's just second nature to say as if she's already here.

It's becoming a casual thing. I feel like I use it like half the time, but. That's very aborable. Yeah, it's also because I feel like you wanna get used to the idea of the name, make sure you like it when you say it out loud because it is such a commitment to name somebody. Do you have a backup name?

Just in case she comes out and you're like, you don't look like a Tanya. Slap Monster. No, I have no other ideas. So it's kind of this. Can I ask, is the name based on, like you thought that Danielle was so random because why would you do it?

It says to me that the name is based upon someone in your life previously. Well, that's so interesting because it's actually not. And so I think you're right that the name is about as random as Danielle. Oh, okay. Like it might as well be any name, but the name is not after anybody. Not something in your family, not something of a dear departed friend. There's a nod in the middle name.

A nod. Oh, middle name too. And you say the first and middle name the whole time, right? No, no, no, no, no. You say her full name. So this is great. I had a question that I've been meaning to ask you about this.

Yeah. Okay. How much would I have to ask you about this. Yeah. Okay, how much would I have to pay you for you to act like Big Sue for the first two years of your daughter's life? With the makeup and everything. So she thinks that's who you are for the first two years. God, that would be so fucked up. I can't imagine how disturbing that would be.

And then the moment I take off the makeup and I'm just me and she's like, wait. But take it seriously. Take it seriously. How much would you do it for? If you were really going to pay me, I would do it for $25 million. Would you really do it for $25 million?

No, I wouldn't do that. But if you were going to give me. I'm just questioning, what is your price to fuck up your child? I guess I would take a billion dollars, but I would feel really bad doing that. That's two years. I think it would be fun after a while. Kill it, bro. You'd be waiting for the, you know, it's not a gender reveal, it's like an identity reveal

party. Why aren't billionaires doing shit like this? Like going out and saying, I will give you half a billion dollars to do this fucked up thing. We're like how we just want to sell our birthdays. Like, why doesn't anyone want to buy my birthday? Instead, Elon Musk is out there digging tunnels to Mars and shit. Oh, killing it on SNL, of course. I will, I gotta be fair, he was terrific.

I didn't watch it. I saw one skit. I did laugh a few times. What do you want out of me? I don't know. I'm only human. Look, it's a month out at this point. Who cares? That's the hormones. Um... So you... Well, that's also funny, because people have thought

I was high multiple times since we've been recording. And I do think I'm laughing more. I think there's like some, I think I'm like laughing harder and more during this time. Yeah. How has it been for you this, like physically and mentally? And I guess emotionally and everything.

And spiritually. Oh my God. Psychologically. Physically, it's been pretty good. I'm just, you know, I'm very grateful to be in this position. So I feel like that's playing a huge role in my response to any physical ailments that I have. I really don't mind any of it. Um, so I, you know, I have the, I have aches and pains, my back hurts and can't sleep and whatever.

Your neck, your back, your pussy and your crack. My neck, back, my pussy and crack all hurt, but I don't care because I'm just so excited. So that's been nice. And I think most of it is just like wrapping my head around the fact that it's really happening. Like I think that's the part that I'm, you know, working on every day, but it's getting more and more real as time goes on. And I mean, by the time anyone's listening to this, it's very soon. It's imminent. But right now even feels like it's soon, so.

Yeah. Yeah. Is this some, did you, from like when you were a kid, did you want to be a mom? Have sex. Did you want to be have sex? Did you want to be have sex? Yes, I always wanted to be a mom.

So it feels like something that I just always wanted and I'm really excited. Why, can I ask, and this is not just about you, Yes, I always wanted to be a mom. So it feels like something that I've just always wanted and I'm really excited. Can I ask, and this is not just about you particularly, but I'm always interested when I hear people have wanted to be moms since they were kids, since they were little. What is it about being a mom that when you're so young and you're young, what is it about being a mom

that's like appealing? Yeah, it's interesting, because I feel like I'm, you know, I think people say like little girls imagine their wedding and stuff. I never like thought about anything like that. Castle takes queen. Like that never crossed my mind,

but I always assumed I would get married and assumed I would have a family. But I think so much of that is based on like, if you grow up feeling that way, it's a lot to do with your family life and your parents and like what you see emulated, you know, before you are what you want to emulate. And I, so I feel like I always kind of assumed that would all happen, but in my head,

I feel like being a mom just seems like I always want to be a caretaker and teach somebody and like have that relationship. And that's always been something that's important to me. I mean, even as being a little kid, it's like a sort of abstract idea, but like little babies, like baby dolls, you know? It's such a weird, it's like innate.

It's very strange. Yeah, I mean, Coolop, she, I don't think she wants to be a mom because she had the greatest relationship with her mom. Right. But maybe that's part of the inspiration to... She had to take care of her sisters growing up when they were really young. So I think she always was a caretaker when she was really young, you know what I mean?

So I think, so maybe that has something to do with it. That makes sense. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, I didn't have to take care of anyone, but I, why I wanted to, when I was younger, I just assumed I would have kids. I was because I was religious and I, it was just like the natural order, you know, and it was a long time. You would have like eight the same way that, that your parents had a bunch.

I think I, I think I thought I would have, I don't know that I ever fixed a number in my mind. I don't think, I think when I thought about it, I didn't imagine like a huge family like that. Yeah. I think I just thought like there would be a vague amount of children that I would have. Can I ask, did that coincide with you wanting to be in show business?

Or did it divert or diverge when you suddenly started thinking about show business? Was it like, oh, maybe I don't have the kids anymore or do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. But I don't know that I could, I don't know that I held both ideas in my mind at the same time, you know. You're a one-idea guy. He's got a one-track mind. One at a time. One at a time. I don't know that I held both ideas in my mind at the same time, you know. You're a one-I-two guy. He's got a one-track mind.

One at a time. I do everything one at a time. And stand-up comedy was the track he was on. This is your biopic or your E! True Hollywood Story. And then Mike is seeing a commercial and saying, why is that interesting? Why would anyone watch this? I think it was like I, because I, when I was a kid, I, of course I wanted to be in show business, but I don't, that's not, when you don't know anybody who is in show business,

it's not really real. It always feels like a dream. It doesn't feel like a goal, you know, it just feels like that would be great. And as you like, when you're a little kid, you, you picture yourself doing that. But then as you get older and you start thinking about the concept of having a job and having to take care of yourself and so on and so forth, I don't, I, it was not a real viable thing to me until I started doing it, until I started doing open mics.

And even that was like, because a friend invited me to do it. And I don't know if I ever really would have thought about it as like, Oh, that's, that's a thing that you can actually do for a living. Yeah. So, so, so you w at what point did you say, Oh, I'm, I, uh, the, the whole kid thing is not going to be something I do. Was that when you actually got married to the particular person I don't wanna give away her name

that you're married to? Mrs. Tompkins? It was before, like when we started, when we got serious and then you have to think about these things. I was waiting to see how he could possibly No, he found the second song. Make it happen. What song is that?

Jane's getting serious. Jane! That was, when I was doing open mics, there was a bar around the corner from our home club, me and my pals. The fudge bar. This place. Cause it was around the corner. This place. This is around the corner.

Oh no. This place called Molly's that we used to go to that had a video jukebox. Oh cool. That had maybe six songs and one of the songs and this guy the guy that used to manage the club, when he would come hang out with us, he would always put that song on Jane's getting serious, which featured some guy and there were guys in gorilla suits at some point. Um, and when the guys in the gorilla suits would come on, this guy that put the video on would say, there's my boys.

And then you would go, there's my boys. Yeah. And so you'd see these gorillas and you'd say, I'm not going to have kids. Cause I want to fuck them instead. Jamie and I got serious that we started talking about that and realized that. Put the bottom of the phone back. Why are you putting the screen up, grandpa?

Put the bottom of it. He's holding his screen up to the microphone. This is Janie's giving theory. Who is this? It is a little guy by the name of John Astley. John Astley, of course. Not Rick Astley. You got John rolled. Related?

Not related. Not related. I believe he's American, John Astley. That would suck to have that, you know, trying to make music at the same time as someone with the same last name. Everyone thinks you're their brother, you're bad. Like the same year, I feel like. Like 1988 or 85. Everyone.

They think that you shouldn't have done this. Well, like Sean Cassidy was related to- David Cassidy. David Cassidy, but I'm like, but no one, who cared more, who did he care more about, you know? Or was everyone into Sean Cassidy? He was a big deal at the time. Absolutely, well they both were.

I feel like David Cassidy was so much bigger because of the Partridge family. Yes. Sean was huge. He was on the Hardy Boys. Cause of the Do-Run-Run and he had number one hits and stuff. Okay, I sit corrected.

On my fat ass. Back to Lauren's pregnancy. I want to hear more about Paul's journey. Okay. Well, that was. Journey Smollett. I really was like, it was a difficult thing to figure out because you feel like you're not allowed. First of all, you feel like you're not allowed to say you don't want to have kids because

that, I don't know, that seems like a monstrous thing to say to some people. Um, and People really don't, especially, I don't know if it's different for men, but I have some female friends who don't want kids and people just don't believe them. They're like, you'll change your mind. I've heard that so many times, but what's funny is nobody says that to us. Nobody's ever said that to us. But also we got married. When we got married, we were, I was

40, I was 41 and Janie was, um, in her thirties, in her late thirties. And so it wasn't as- All this 41. Janie's in her late thirties. And so it wasn't as... Paul is 41. Janie's in her late thirties. This show is painful for Paul has to breathe through this whole entire episode. It was, I feel like that's easier to skirt past that question at that point because you're like, it's fine.

We know we can, we can't, we don't have to. It's like, it doesn't have to be a, it's not when you're like getting married at 24 and everyone's like, so when's the kid coming? Exactly, yes, of course, of course. But that's interesting. And so did Janie, I mean, you don't have to get into this if you don't want to, but did she know that already about herself that she didn't want to do that? No, we kind of, when we got together, we were both, we were both on the fence about it.

We were both on the fence about it. We were both on the fence about it. But knowing that, well, if we're going to do this, we'd have to make a decision about it very soon, you know? Um, and then we just never really, we just never really talked about it that much. And every once in a while it would come up and it would be like, do we want this? Meh, you know, and then we finally just like came out and said it like, no, this is not a thing that we want to do. Three, two, one.

Yeah. We want to do. But I think there must be some like real comfort in knowing that. Well, there is challenging that it's like the idea of just going like, I know that I don't want that is, but whichever decision you make, you always think about the other decision. And, you know, for me, it's like, for me, it's like, I really, I love kids. I don't know how good a dad I would be. I think that...

I disagree. Not that, I mean, who cares? But, you know, because I mean, do what you want to do in your life. But I think you would be a great dad. I think I would be very loving but I don't know a good granddad I think I'd be a great granddad. Can you just skip to that? I think well the way I feel now is like I have I have these young friends and I like feeling like the father of adult children Yeah, yeah, like I'm proud of you Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's kind of where my paternal love goes.

They'd have to get used to you yelling and cursing when things fall down around the house and stuff. But there is something about that. Actually, I just saw a Twitter thread yesterday from Jack Hay. They put something new on Twitter? Yeah, it was a new tweet. Wait, wait, wait, can we pause?

You guys, there's a bunch of new tweets coming every few minutes. Fire up the computers. Jack Hay posted about being, I love her, about being on Sister Sister. And she was like, when I was initially, you know, auditioning or offered the role or whatever it is, she was like, I didn't see myself as being a mother. I was like too young and sexy to be somebody's mom. So I don't want to take the role or whatever it is. She was like, I didn't see myself as being a mother. I was like too young and sexy to be somebody's mom. So I don't want to take the role. But then by taking the part, I started to understand

how amazing it feels to mentor young girls and to be somebody that can teach them and they can look up to them. And I think that's so cool. It's like, it's a interesting relationship to have, to be able to be like someone's older mentor and be able to be there for them And I like to be on a successful TV show and be a mentor to someone

Yeah, I mean you need amazing. I just have to assume on how many bang bang. Nobody got mentored by you And I by the way, I said successful TV Well, this is great. We have to take a break, but I want to dig even deeper on this. We dig in. Lauren, we have to take a break. This is a big pregnancy episode. When we come back, we'll talk about my vasectomy.

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Person that I'm talking to who's listening to me right now, right? Well, right now is the perfect time, even though we're not halfway through the year necessarily, but it is the perfect time, in my opinion, to reflect on everything that we've accomplished so far, as well as all the things that we still want out of the year. Therapy can be so helpful in that reflecting process. A good therapist can help you step back and analyze properly celebrating your wins and processing the setbacks. Therapy can change lives everyone. We're huge fans of it here. We talk about it on this show. We love it. We appreciate it. We sign other people up for it all the time. A lot of times I'm just sending therapists

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And we're back and Lauren, you are still pregnant. Nothing changed. Nothing changed in the break. During the break. Feeling good. I didn't move at all. Good. Oh, we were worried you were gonna move. I know.

Those were a low impact break. Yeah. So it's coming up. Your whole life is about to change. Although it has changed already, but now it's gonna change even further. Yes. And what do you think is going to, like, have you,

I had a friend who was about to have a baby who insisted that nothing in his life was gonna change. I don't believe that at all. You don't believe that I have this friend? I don't believe you have a friend. No, I don't believe that nothing will change. I believe everything will change. It's absurd!

Who would say that's demented? Of course, what are you fucking talking about? I wanna talk to this guy. But that's still, that's such a like chill attitude where like you think you're just gonna be able to like, too much. Just chill through it. And it's like, you can't.

Okay, so this person was gonna be in a show I was doing. And I was like, hey. The Music Man? The... It was a stage show. And I was like, hey, you know, we're premiering the week after you have the baby, because he announced he was having the baby.

And he was like, oh, it's fine. Attention, everyone! He was like, it's fine. I don't think anything's gonna change. And then the day after he had the baby, he called me up and was like, it's fine. I don't think anything's going to change. And then the day after he had the baby, he called me up and was like, uh, okay, so I got to drop out of that show. This is like crazier than I thought.

Yeah. Literally had never seen a baby. Like, how, like what? And like, I'm sure his wife or partner was like, you can't just leave me now. Yeah. So from that extreme of thinking, oh, nothing's going to change to like, totally planning out what your life is going to be like,

where are you in the process? I think I kind of fell in the middle. I'm very, I'm trying to take everything really day by day, which I think I've done really successfully during this time. I try not to get ahead of myself, but there's like been certain points where I felt like, okay, maybe I should get ahead of myself a little bit, like, cause you know, talking to other pregnant people, I feel like they would have more things figured out than I did or something. And I'm like, Oh, I don't know any, I don't know the answer to that

question. I guess I should look that up or these are previously pregnant people or people who are currently pregnant, like where. Kerpregs. I was, there's a makeup artist that I work with and she's pregnant and like, um, basically like a couple, just a couple of weeks ahead of me. And, um, we were working on something together and this other woman was like asking us like, Oh, where are you going to deliver and all this stuff? And I was like, at the time I had no idea. So like, there's moments like that where I feel like, oh, my day by

day sense is maybe not great for like, actually feeling less anxious. Like I think sometimes it helps me feel less anxious, but then sometimes it's nice to have a plan. So I'm getting to the point now where I'm like, planning more for like the things that are more imminent. But in terms of like my life changing, I'm just trying to take off from work. So we're trying, that's why we're trying to record these episodes in advance. And I'm doing that with newcomers and anything I can get done beforehand would be great. So then I can just feel like I can just be in the moment and see what happens.

But I don't know, I don't have any plans about like getting a nanny or doing anything. I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. It seems like a lot to figure out. Paul's pissed. Paul left. Paul is upset because he thought he was going to be the nanny.

I gotta close my door. I gotta close my door. And also I get scared of nannies because of Nanny McPhee. Oh no, she's ugly. She's ugly. A wart on the nose. Forget about it. She's the anti-Mary Poppins.

That's right, as we've discussed. But I think I'm getting into that mindset now of like wanting to have everything set and ready to go. And that's making me feel better. And I started taking some online classes. It's weird, I mean it's like COVID and everything. Parenting classes or classes? Yeah, labor and delivery. And then they also will cover-

Labor and the Tories. Yeah, they're also gonna cover- Labor and the Tories. Like basics and whatnot. Like what to expect when the baby's here. When you're expecting. Exactly, of course I'm reading that. Are you doing like breathing,

like Lamaze shit and all that kind of stuff? I don't really, I haven't gotten to that part of the videos yet. Have you listened to the Bill Cosby chunk on it? You know it's been a while since I listened to a Bill Cosby chunk. You gotta breathe! The Lamaze I think is kind of outdated, but I think there's still breathing techniques that they use that.

Now it's Lamans and it's faster. Lamars, actually for men. What's Lamar's? Lamar, he's this guy who taught guys how to breathe. Hi, I'm Lamar. Are you ready to learn how to breathe? First go, they go. There's all these things like hypnobirthing.

What if you breathed exactly like that by the way? All day, I don't think I just just my just my regular breathing that's what it sounds like all day Would anyone ever want to be around wait tell me about hypnobirthing No birthing I haven't fully explored it but I there's a friend of mine from high school who I was reconnecting with on Instagram a little bit because she's also do around the same Time as me and she's had a baby. So she was just giving me a lot of tips and info. And she was going on about hypnobirthing, which I need to really look

into. But this is part of the thing of my my taking it day by day is I'm like, I don't really want to look at all that right now. It feels kind of intense to like learn about all that right now. But then I'm like, I should learn about that. But I think it's about keeping your mentality really calm and like, um, focused and not, not getting anxious during the process. And so it's techniques to keep yourself like that. I would think that it would be like making you think you're a chicken and then you just, you think you're laying an egg.

Yeah. And it's easy peasy. Do you think chicken labor is hard? Me? Yeah. I don't know. No, I think it's probably really easy. It's a question for the room.

They squirt about every day. I don't think it's like a table. They just kind of go. You know what I think is weird though is like the shell forming inside the body. Yeah. You know what I think is weird though is like the shell forming inside the body Yeah But I mean that's another thing about Having a baby. That's crazy. It's just Well, I have like I have there's no show you're I have a bunch of apps that I follow every day to check in on

Yeah, tell me what's going on. Yeah Twitter It's just crazy to go like the baby's brain is getting more wrinkles to be able to have more thoughts. And I'm like, what? Every week they send you a new like, Hey, here's what's going on. Yes. And so there's always a new toe. Like yeah, well the baby's the baby's foot today, maybe his footprint is as big as a

Swedish fish today. Whoa. And they just tell you random shit. Like the other day day the fist was the size of a tater tot I was like Is it always just shit that makes you feel hungry Well that doesn't work for me anytime. I hear anyone talking about anything. I've wanted a hot dog for so long You can't have hot dogs No, they're full of garbage. Yeah, not only is it like rat meat anyway. Should no one have their favorite?

Kind of, that's what they're sort of saying. And maybe after you're pregnant too, don't eat them. But I was listening to Doughboys and they were talking about hot dogs. And I was like, oh my God, I need a hot dog. I'm so mad. I love hot dogs. I love hot dogs.

For something that I hardly ever have, I really do love them so much. I told you about how I was just staring at a hot dog chart once. That was a dick. With a big smile on my face. Oh, that was a dick? Oh, that's so funny. Why were you staring at a hot dog chart

with a big smile on your face? It was National Hot Dog Day, and someone tweeted a picture of 36 different hot dog styles from around the world a picture of like 36 different hot dogs styles from around the world and you're just like I was just like and we were in it was strangely enough we were in a doctor's office and I had a big smile on my face and pull ups like what are you looking at it was like hot dogs and she's like I'm rethinking everything whenever whenever Janey asked me what I'm looking at on my phone,

if I'm like smiling or laugh at something, it's always, she only ever asks when it is something that requires so much backstory and explanation. And I'm like, I, I gotcha. Oh my God. I know. I know. Years ago there was this movie. That's what Michael will be like, what are you looking at? Like if I have this sound on, he's like, what's that? I'm like, nobody, it's nothing. Like, he's like, who's that?

I'm like, nothing, it's never good. It's the internet, who gives a shit? You don't need to know. But then I tell him and he's like, I don't care. And then it's like, here we go, you know? Because of course. I think sometimes. Let's be straight all over again.

I think sometimes Coolop makes noises because she wants me to ask. So it'll be like a total like, ha ha ha ha, directed sort of at me. So I'll go, what are you looking at? And then she'll tell me. And I, at this point, I'm just like ignoring it. Ignored.

Ignored. And by the way, the ignored gibbets sold out. Finally, shoot charms, shoot charms. Shoot charms. I was really worried. Oh, I was so, I was just quivering in my boots. I hope they've restocked those shoe charms by now. Yeah, who knows at this point.

So do you think it'll be- Oh, I will say I love my shoe charms and I love my Crocs and they make my feet look really small. Oh, have your feet expanded in the- You got big fat feet now fatso? really small. Oh, have your feet expanded in the in the same big fat feet now fatso? Just ever so slightly, but, but my, you know, if you go to my Wiki feed,

I'm a size 10. I'm not ashamed. And they make my feet look like they're probably a size six. I mean, you know, from the top at least. And yours are like, they're a little platformy, right? Yeah, I love the platform. I love mine. Mine still haven't come in yet.

I have the old one. I'm still waiting on mine too. What, where'd you order them from? Amazon, but you know, I pressed click and then they were like, okay, they're coming in four weeks. Oh, that's a cancel. Aye, aye, aye.

So do you think this baby will have Benjamin Button disease? Like, is it gonna come out in old man? You know, I really hope not. Do we know that it's a disease? Maybe it's just more of a condition. It's an aspect. Or an advantage.

Sure. The Benjamin Button advantage. You know, that would not be ideal, I guess. Are you happy that it's a girl? I'm very happy that it's a girl. That's my dream. So, and Mrs. Lapkus is probably very excited. Very excited.

Yes. This is not the first grandchild. This is no, I have two nephews. So but they're the first girl. Yeah, so that'll be fun. And you know, girl stuff is so much more fun than boy stuff. Clothes, toys, everything.

Are your parents planning on coming out when, around the birth or? Yeah, that's the thing. This is like, I'm trying to figure out, and I don't know if you have. They're both gonna come out? Yeah. Their marriage is over.

I was so confused. We've just been waiting for this. Oh my God, that would be really interesting. This is our gender review. We're both gay! I would be so thrown by that. I can't even begin to tell you. I guess I'd be like, cool?

I don't know. But yeah, I'm planning to have them come out, but this is what I'm curious about. And you know, probably by the, but maybe by the time this comes out, I'll still be waiting for some advice. So if anyone out there has had a child, what are you as curious as the case of Benjamin Button? Yeah. Yeah.

I know. Can we make that an expression? Man, I'm as curious as the case of Benjamin Button. But it's a bit long. Regarding this matter. Inray. But I'm trying to decide how soon I want them to come out and how long I want them to stay because I really,

I mean, I like my parents. I like having them in my house. I'm not, it's not, we have an easy time. Talk to tall John about it. Did his come stay? No, yours is there. How'd they do? I got sick of them real quick. Someone else's parents would be the worst. stay? No, yours there. How they do?

Someone else's parents would be the worst. No matter who they are. That would be so weird. Your friends parents come to help you with your baby. Okay. No, their parents stayed a few doors down for me for a while. And so they rented a place. How many doors would you say? About three. But they rented a place to stay in. So yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause that's not my plan. My plan was to have them stay with me

because that's just kind of how we roll. That also happened. Yeah. You just talk to tall John and you'll get a good idea of like around when they got really sick. Around when? Yeah, cause I feel like there's a part of, you know, I've heard people say like,

you really want to soak up the time. And then other people are like, like, like without them, like just your with just your partner and your baby. And then the other people are like, no, you really want help. And I feel like I'm going to want help. And I don't know why I wouldn't take that offer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's so much to do in general that like the idea of someone

just doing the dishes and laundry and, you know, being there and give me advice is really nice. Yeah, that also seems very natural to me. You know what I mean? Like, it seems like it would be a very comforting presence to have somebody, you know, to have your parents who have been through this and they understand and you know what I mean? Yeah, I think so. What age do they go to boarding school for you?

The kids? Yeah, like two. I'd say like two or one. Ship them off, nine months a year. And you'll have a wet nurse, right? Oh my God, yeah. She's been getting her titties all ready. I mean, is that concept,

it is somebody who is capable of lactating that- It's that they never stop. They're always nursing, so their breasts never stop producing milk. That's fucking crazy. I found my kink. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. But I mean, I don't think that's a thing anymore, is it?

At least in America, I don't think it is. I mean, I don't know. Maybe for super celebrities. Oh, my God. Hiring a wet nurse seems like so extreme. Did Madonna have a wet nurse? I bet Madonna had a wet nurse. Yeah. If anyone if anyone, she never changed a diaper.

That's the dream. She didn't. Yeah. She and she and Eddie Murphy were both like, yeah, I've never done that. Why should I? When you're that rich, why would you? But that's so wrong. Because it's your precious baby. No would you? But that's so wrong. Because it's your precious baby. No one does, but it's your precious baby. You were trying to tell me how cute I would think my dog shits were!

Just thinking about him, they're so cute. That offends me that you would be a parent to never, ever change a diaper. It sends a weird message, I think. It's like, to whom? It didn't, wasn't this, I mean, To the child, for a while you were disgusting to me. They won't remember. But didn't Donald Trump say that he's never done that?

I feel like that was the thing. Yeah, of course. Oh, of course he did. I'm sure he like bragged about it. Yeah. So you're gonna change all the diapers. I'd like to do- You're going the other way.

50%. 50%, who's gonna do the other 50? Mike, I'm hoping to involve him in the process. What? What a cuck. He's gonna Tom the other 50 cuz Mike I'm hoping to what process what a cuck He's gonna he's gonna Tom Sawyer his way out of doing it Man this sure is fun changing these diapers. I love it he's never changed a diaper though, and I mean I as we know my career was babysitting before I became a movie star and I I've changed thousands of diapers.

Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of men, you know, you never really have the opportunity at Rebs. When my sister was young, but it's been so long that I don't remember anything about it. And probably diaper technology has totally changed from since then. I don't know. Since 1980. Unless you were safety pinning it with like a cloth or something.

I think I had to do pins at the time. Yeah. It is very different. Now it's like tape and chip. I remember when I was... Like tabs. Yeah. When I was young, I remember we had those safety pins with like the little ducks on

them or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, were they plastic or were they... No, they were metal pins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, were they plastic or were they point- No, they were metal pins. They were metal, yeah. And it must've been like only one company made pins

because everyone had the ones with the ducks on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like back when we were young, back when Paul and I were young, like people would corner the market on that type of thing. Now there's so much choice for every single thing that exists. But back then it was like,

one company would make it because they would have the factory that could put the parts together, you know? Like, I guess that still happens, like the sort of Kleenex effect where all tissues get called Kleenex or Xerox or whatever. But like, what does it happen with now? Like Roomba? I guess there's other robotic vacuums,

but it doesn't seem as, it doesn't seem as a prevalent anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I was just watching this as us last night catching up and I was a few episodes behind. This was us. This was them, but they, you know, they flash back and forth in time as I've explained and there was them, but they, uh, they, you know, they flash back and forward in time as I've explained. And there was like, there was like a whole, cause now a lot of the characters are having babies on the show.

And then they flash back to when their dad was alive and he was taking care of them as babies and all this stuff. Um, so they showed the diapers and, um, stuff in this, I guess it was the. Eight seventies eighties, they're supposed to be born 2000s. and stuff in the, I guess it was the eight, 70s, 80s, they're supposed to be born. 70s, no, it's probably 70s. And they have all this baby powder, which is now like basically illegal.

Like baby powder is like- Is that so? I didn't know that. Well, Johnson and Johnson had this whole thing where they were like sued for causing cancer with these products because you put them directly on your vagina and butt. This is like a couple years ago, right?

I kind of remember this. So I don't know if there must be powders that are fine, but in my mind, I'm like, you never do that. I think I was a baby powder baby. Sure, of course. Well, that's why you're so dense. Imagine how smart you could be. I know I shouldn't say this to a pregnant woman, but fuck you.

But there's so many things that change so much. Actually, I almost want to mention this last week, but I didn't want to bring up my pregnancy. I saw this thing on my app. That's all you talk about. God, I'm happy to never talk about it. You know what? I will say- No, I know, I know.

No, no, no. But I will say, I was like, it's kind of been great that we haven't brought it up because we, it's just not a topic. It's kind of great. Right. But, and I don't want to be the person who only talks about that. We're still in Lauren's topics, by the way.

Yeah, and this is fine. We haven't exited Lauren's topics. This is fine. But the app that I was looking at was like explaining how much has changed in pregnancy in like 30 years. And things are so crazy. It was not that long ago that like the maternity leave was like a new idea.

Like there's like just so many, there's so many things like that that have changed. Even just like with the style of cribs and crib bumpers. And when I was a baby, I almost died of SIDS, which is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Mm-hmm. Wait, how do you know what was the situation? I was saved.

Well, it's a, you know, it's a family lore story that is... Is it like a Rashomon where everyone has a different take on it? No, there's one take and it's my mom's. She tried to kill herself. I was a baby and obviously, and my brother was three, and we lived in an apartment building when my uncle lived in the apartment below us, and he was having a party.

So my parents went downstairs to the party and we were upstairs in the crib sleeping. And then my mom had a sudden feeling that my great grandmother was speaking to her and telling her to check on me. Wow. And she ran upstairs and I was not breathing and then I don't remember the end of the story. This is how all my stories go. But I should get the details. It all worked out. I don't remember if there was an ambulance or what happened or if I just started again

when she moved me or what happened. But but I had blankets and stuff, you know, because in that time that was not considered bad. Yeah. And now you're not supposed to have anything in the crib besides just the sheet on the thing. You can't have a bumper. You can't have any sort of cloth. Not even a Sophie?

No Sophie. Oh. Who would have been in the wrong Missy? I know. See, that would have changed history. Who would know? Literally, who would it have been, do you think? Literally. I actually... All? Literally, come on.

I actually, I actually. All judges side. Come on. Kind of no, but I'm not. Whoa! You know who was second choice. I know who was first choice. Oh, who turned it down?

They were busy with the project, but it was a celebrity. So you need third choice of who would it. Well, I guess, I guess I, well, but maybe they wouldn't have been busy if you know, all the world had changed. Oh, that's true. Yeah. If you weren't around. The butterfly effect of me not being here means that the show they were on might not have existed.

You know, it's just. Right. Oh my God. Will you tell us off Mike, who that person was? Okay. Have you ever worked on something and then been told after you got the job that you were the second or third choice? I don't know if I, I think I've known that,

but I don't know if I have like been told that directly. But I've also known, I've had it happen where I turned something down and then my friend takes it and I just never say a word. Absolutely you never say a word. But isn't that always kind of weird when you're like, oh wow, and then you like watch the thing and you're like, that's what I would have been doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I made a mistake and my career was over. Well, there's always that fear, like, oh man, I don't want to watch that thing because what if it's really amazing and I'm like pissed that I said no or whatever. I've gotten a few last minute offers or like, hey, would you like to do this job?

And I'm like, yeah, okay. And it starts tomorrow. And I'm like, well, I guess I wasn't the first choice. Oh yes, I've had that happen with this one specific thing that kept asking me to do it like the day before and I was getting offended. Like I was like, stop asking me the day before to do this thing.

Like it's just like, it feels like rude at that point. It doesn't feel like- I've had that too, yeah. I don't know. Cause you know it's someone always canceling and they go, well, she's around. It's like, it feels negative. Oh, now I remember this person. But not when I'm not when I'm conceiving of this.

Yeah. Scott, Scott. Yeah, I don't get offered anything. He's like on Minesweeper. We have to we have to take another break. We'll be right back with the future. Hold on a second, Scott. Nope. We have to take a break. We have to take a break.

We have to take a break, everybody. I'm Sam Smith and welcome to the pink house. I love being in the Pink House with you. Join me as I talk to my friends and some amazing queer icons about their idea of home, like Elliot Page, Jo Kim Booster and Gloria Estefan. Music was always my escape. It was my happy place. The Pink House from Lemonada Media is out now. Follow wherever you get your podcasts.

Are you a pop culture connoisseur with strong opinions? Join us on Pop Culture Debate Club, a new podcast from Lemmonada Media and the BBC. Each week, two pop culture experts battle it out to convince me, Aminatou So, that their opinion reigns supreme. What is the greatest sports movie of all time? Who made the most delicious on-screen meal? Tune in every Thursday to find out. Pop Culture Debate Club is out June 27th, wherever you get your podcasts from Lemonade

Media and the BBC. We're back and it's time for a threacher. of Media and the BBC. We're back and it's time for a three chair. Well, everybody, we are back and it's time for a three chair. I just wanted to say we are back and it is time for a three chair. This is the part of the show where we play a game. And it's a feature featuring the three of us or a feature, if you will. And that is the code word for game. All right.

This was submitted by Kristen Kelly, someone with two first names and she can't decide which one goes first. And it's called, It's Not What It Looks Like. Okay, and here's what happens. Two of us are, well, the three of us do a scene. One person walks in on the other two in the middle of a compromising or embarrassing situation.

And then the other two have to try to come up with a plausible excuse for what's happening. So I would say the person walking in should say, oh my God, you guys are doing this, this, and this, and then the other two come up with the excuse of why it's happening. How's that sound? Agree.

Okay, so who wants- It sounds fantastic. Why don't we launch into this? I like this. I think it sounds terrific. And I think we're all going to have a very good time. Good to me. This sounds good to me.

Why don't Lauren and I- This sounds good to me. Good to me. Why don't Lauren and I, we'll team up me. That's good to me. Why don't Lauren and I, we'll team up and then Paul, you come in on us. Okay, great. Marvel team up. Great. Yep, the Thing and Scott Arp. All right.

In Marvel team up, the Thing would always team up. I don't care. Okay. All right, just coming home, open up the door, expect to see normal things and... Stranger things! Oh my God. What are you two doing up on those library ladders?

And you've got swords in your hands. and you've got swords in your hands, you are naked from the waist up, and you are covered in chocolate pudding? Okay, look, Paul. Obviously this looks weird. Hey buddy, buddy, buddy, I can explain, buddy. It's not what it looks like. Well, I don't know. No, of course it's not what it looks like. Well, I don't know.

Of course it's not what it looks like. I mean, I don't know what it looks like to you. This looks crazy. I mean, it's obvious, but me and Ding Dong. What's up, Leif? We were, essentially we had heard like all these books that we were on the ladders for, right? We're selling them and we wanted it to sound good.

So we said they were going to be half off. So we're cutting all the books in half. We're cutting them in half. And so obviously we wanted to be sound good, so we said they were going to be half off, so we're cutting all the books in half. We're cutting it in half. And so obviously we wanted to be half off with our clothes so that we were like kind of on theme. Mirroring the books, you know, like, hey, these are half off. The pudding is sort of this thing where it's like, we want to make sure that we don't get any stains on any of the books so we can cover ourselves in pudding.

So we put all the stains on ourselves. Just so that we show that we wouldn't get it on anything. So they wouldn't be on the books. Yeah, exactly. And it makes us be extra careful on the books. Yeah, exactly. And it makes us be extra careful, you see? Yeah, but we're gonna make you a ton of money by selling all these books of yours. So aren't you happy about that?

I mean, that does sound good. So we're cool, right? Yep, let me just get my shirt off and I'll join you. Oh yeah! Oh no! Oh yeah! My favorite joke. All right, I think I get this. So I won join you. Oh yeah. Oh no. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. My favorite show. All right, I think I get this.

So I won that one. What? Let's go. That makes total sense. Okay, I'm gonna do it and you guys are going to be the team. Okay. Okay. Da da da da da.

Coming home. I'm just coming home right now. Unlocking my door, opening the door, walking through the house, then I go in coming home right now. Unlocking my door, opening the door, walking through the house. Then I go in the kitchen. Oh my God. Paul Scott. Hi. Hello. Ding dong.

We didn't expect you home, ding dong. Okay, wait, you guys. Open my dishwasher. Paul is straddling the door, sitting on it, which doesn't look like it's going to hold. Scott's got his head hanging out the window and his butt is stuck in the window. He's trying to get free and Winnie the Pooh. And then you guys have scattered granola all over the floor and you are both covered in piss? Now, this is not what it looks like. I can understand that you would take a look at this kind of situation

and be aghast at what it looks like, but it certainly is not that. Your home is very unsafe. And so what we were trying to do was figure out a sort of a security system that you could do every night. First, I was going to get in the dishwasher, you know, to be able to surprise a thief. Surprise, yeah, exactly. I would know if they were coming

because I would hear the crunch of the granola on the floor. Now, what I was doing was I was planning an escape route in case you surprised the burglar, but the burglar is not incapacitated. I was trying to get out this window here. Yes. And I found that I couldn't fit. So I was like, you know what? This needs another level so I can wriggle out of this window here. Yes. And I found that I couldn't fit. So I was like, you know what? This needs another level so I can wriggle out of this window.

So Paul, why don't you piss on me? Yes. And which he did. Because we didn't have, we didn't want to use up your butter. No, he was, he blushed. And then you're probably wondering why I pissed then on Paul and Paul explained that. Well, because, you know, it's like yawning.

It's contagious. If someone pisses on you, then you end up pissing on someone else. Yeah. No, I've had that happen for sure. Trickle down. Yeah. Literally.

Guys, that's so sweet and thoughtful of you. I'm really so grateful. The whole time we were doing, we're like, Lauren's gonna love this. They're gonna love this. And you don't mind that we broke into your place, right? No, I actually think that it looks like you figured out how a robber would do it.

So this is actually pretty good. We're good people. All right, get in the dishwasher. Me? Yeah, you have to wait until a burglar comes. Get in there! Get in the dishwasher! Get in there!

Boom! Good stuff. I won that one. Okay, good job, Lauren. You truly did. All right, you and Paul pair up. It won that one. Okay, good job Lauren. You truly did. All right, you and Paul pair up. It was close though. Okay.

Okay. Going to work, going to work. I'm not a jerk, I'm going to work. Change it up. Going up the elevator, all the way to the top floor, cause I'm the boss. Oh yeah. Getting out that elevator going to my corner office opening up that door ready for work. Oh, what's this? Paul and ding-dong. What's up players? What are you guys doing underneath my glass desk?

You've unplugged my computer, you've taken all of my plants and you've dumped them out onto the floor, you have opened up all of the windows, you have taken cranberries and you've arranged them in a big... what are these letters? I don't even know what this is spelling because you haven't quite finished it. What is all this? Scott, we can explain. Oh my God, I know what it looks like and it's not that. It is not what it looks like.

Oh my God, well, first of all, I mean- What do you think it looks like, by the way? Yeah, I don't know because I mean, these are such disparate things that, to be honest, I'm more startled that you broke into my office, which is the weirdest thing. Well, here's what happened. Wait till you hear.

Yes, exactly. So there's a totally logical explanation. So basically, we were really pissed at you and we decided to come in here and kind of just fuck shit up. So we broke all your plants. We put cranberries spelling. They're going to spell fuck you, Scott. I don't know how it was so hard to figure it out, but it says fuck you.

Oh, well, I see fuck you, Scott. I said, let's make it really cold cold here. We'll throw the windows open Lauren said let's throw his computer out the window. I just unplugged it To see if time could fly. Yeah. Yeah, that's what we were trying to do. Jesus Christ So wait, so you guys are just Pissed at me. Yeah, we were very angry. We hate you, and so we just were trying to ruin your shit, and it did seem to work. I thought we were gonna get away with it,

but you walked in just at the wrong time. Okay, well, I was... You know what it is? It's because you sing everything you do, and it's just because you're the boss, nobody can say anything about it. Seeing my friends pawl and ding dong, seeing my friends pawl and ding dong. Seeing my friends, pal and ding dong.

See? See? Well guys, I'm so glad. You still think we're your friends even though we just did all this stuff. My best friends, pal and ding dong. You're weird and deluded. And I don't know why you're the boss of this company. Gonna jump out this little window. Oh, here it goes.

Gonna jump out this little window. Oh my god. This worked great, Ding Dong. Wait, he just killed himself. Yeah! Isn't that what we wanted? Wait, are you having second thoughts about this? Well I do, I don't know if I... Oh, shit!

Damn it! What is this bird man? I had a rubber band around my waist! Or the virtual Ding Dongs. You had a rubber band around your waist? I certainly did. Oh my god. Ding Dong, my best friend! Oh, they are the best friend

Yeah, guys are fired Wait a second what for what idiot? I'm sorry. No, I won't do it. I won't do it. Yeah, that's right Let me kiss you We don't like you like that We don't like you like that. We don't like you like that. How do you like me? Like nothing. Okay, goodbye.

Now I don't feel bad about it. Oh shit. Rubber band again. Okay, I won that one. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. Ultimately, you did. That was fun. Thank you to Kristen Kelly Thank you, Kristen Kelly

Guys that's gonna be it for this episode Hey, this is a big one and I'm sure less funny than they're usually but what are you gonna do? But people like the drama this is a dramedy podcast and I don't think that people realize that. A thrill-omedy podcast, like arachnophobia. Anything can happen at any time. And it usually doesn't. We're going to come back next week. Don't you worry about that. Don't you worry about a thing.

Hey, idiots, we'll be back next week. Love ya. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye! Critics rave it's extraordinary, hits right in the heart and soul, and is a fantastical vision filled with heart. Experience Tuesday now playing in theaters nationwide. Get tickets now. What do weddings, Instagram, and toxic relationships all have in common? They take your money and you can't get it back.

16 grand somewhere in there. Gone. There's no legal solution for the fact that you married an asshole. Welcome to The Dough, I'm ex-Mayo. We're diving into the stories surrounding the moola baby. The good, the bad, and the unexpected. Yeah, we talking about it all. The Dough is out now, wherever you get your podcasts.