Threedom - Threevisiting: JonkupublicroomBA!

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

Threevisiting on the Tues: Lauren, Paul, and Scott discuss dentures, doctors, and September 5th before playing Rated Scenes. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/shop Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lemonado The name of the show that we're on Extended remix Three of your rapes Okay, I'm wrapping I'm rapping I'm rapping Hey wait a minute

What? I'm going to the box office Excuse me Yes sir, can I help you? I'd like the ticket price refunded please The whole ticket price? What's wrong? Wait, the price that we...

Wait, why you... Shouldn't you be on stage? See, we know. I get it. I get it. Okay, here's all your money. Here's all of my money. Thank you.

Now let me on that stage. Okay, come on up here, sir. Now wrap for us. Hey, everybody, it's time for some rap. Excuse me, I want my money back. You know what? You're right here. Okay.

And here's from for you. Oh, she's on her phone. Already. And I'm done. Hey, everyone, welcome to three to wear. To show her Lauren's on her phone. I vow to never pick it up again. I vow to never pick up the phone again.

I am not a phone user. I did not pick up that phone. Lauren was doing the JFK voice and the Bill Clinton thumb. And not a crook. They should combine every president into one and be a super president. That would be so much easier because we wouldn't have to vote. No, we would just go, this guy is every president combined, all 40. I'm every president.

Would it be all 45 of them? That's right. I don't consider the 46 to be. Biden? Biden? He's not a real president. Dark Brandon. Would every president combined be a very tall thing or like a big blob?

Would have to be tall like Lincoln? I picture like a big head. No, I mean, if it's all of them. It's mainly a head with like a... I mean like a giant like all this Godzilla-sized thing with like a body. comprised of all of their bodies. Yes. How different were their bodies?

You know, if you're really making it like a caricature, they're all basically the same arms, torso, legs. I think you have to be a regular president. Regular size. Honestly, I'm not. Regular size. Or legs. Well, my torso looks different because it has tits on it, haven't yet seen a female president.

And yeah, we are going to talk about that today. Well, I hope when there's a female president, we just talk about her tits. Well, you know, it's got to be a point of conversation because we've never discussed it with the men. Butter tits. Butter tits. Butter tits. Hey, butter tits. You're president.

Butter tits. She's stunning. She's perfect from head to toe. Her tits are disgusting. They are disgusting. She is the most attractive one to ever see it. Her tits are revolting. She's a butter tits.

I think you would have to be a regular size human with the qualities of every president. Oh, the quality. Stove pie pat. That's not a quality. That's something. They're going to say like integrity. Not able to tell a lie. Yeah, yeah.

Cherry tree acts. Wooden teeth. Wooden teeth. No, no. Let's talk about that. Let's make it down. Let's say you had to get all your teeth. Okay, in the Amish community,

they will preemptively remove all of your teeth and give you dead teeth. By the way, Lauren, this has been a long. Romishpringa. Are you going to go back or not? I'm thinking no, because I love meth. Five seasons of this show. I love meth. I'm not going back. You love meth too much. We don't have it there. Just take some meth back with you. Let me just say.

What about playing cards? Let me just say. We don't have mountain wood. The cows don't make that out of their pussies. That's true. Can't argue. Can't argue. Now I'm thinking about that kid who listens to this with his mom. Anyway. Okay, but I was going to say, in the Amish communities, they will, and I watched a video by Weird Al- Breaking Amish, the docu reality show. The docu-re-reality show. Where it was really great. It's a bunch of these teens that they're following, going on their room, shpringas, and so forth.

But they would preemptively remove their teeth sometimes so that they don't have to deal with dental care and give them dentures. I chop off my arms, so I don't have to like break one. Yeah. It is smart. That is this poor teen girl has. And thenners. No teeth.

Oh, let me get an introduction. Okay. You disgusting fuckwad. Who does this? One of the Amish people? It is an Amish thing. An Amish dentist? Look, they're not listening to this to correct me, so I can say it.

But they, why can't they have dental care? Because of drugs? It's... Novocaine? Expensive. Kids will get kicked. Novocate. But they like barn raising so much.

They're like, let's make everything wood. They like that so much. I really don't know. They take up, but the dentures. I don't think she ever said that they give them wooden teeth. Well, it came off. It's coming from there. But the dentures don't always fit perfectly and they have issues with their gums.

And they've, of course, that's going to be very painful. But then where do they get the dentures? Look, if you're our ex-Omish and you want to write in, call us at. I actually, yeah, at Claims 8.com. Yeah. Please. I would love you. If you're on your rum spring and you're listening to this.

Take one day off. So. It must be exhausting. There's got to be so. Even just putting on a jacket with all the hooks and eyes. He's a whole fake beard. Sometimes I think about dentures, though. You have to spend all the money of spirit gum.

When. When. When. So, like, in our culture, typically it's senior citizens who have dentures. Sure. When does that become the thing? Where you, like, do you transfer? Let's slip into some dentures.

When do you cross over? Like, do you then pull all your teeth and just do, I'm like, when does that? Because, like, my grandma had dentures, but I wasn't. aware of that. Right. And then they would just slip sometimes. I never saw them. No, no, no.

It was only when she was, like, near the end of her life that I was aware that she had dentures. But it was like I. Last thing she did was took them out through my event. Yeah. I just didn't really think about it. But I'm like, I'm sure many people who are in 90 have dentures. But like. My dad had dentures.

When did? So my question is, when do you go from regular teeth to be like, let's just call it and just go to dentures? Let's get them all. Let's get them all out. I don't know. And I imagine it's the amount of teeth that can be preserved because he did not, like, have a full set of dentures. It was like... They fit in between other teeth that already exist.

Yeah. Well, he, I think he had back teeth, but he didn't have any more front teeth. Because they got too weak or something. Yeah. Yeah. That's so sad. Because I think the teeth can, the infection can, whatever, can... This is why I don't believe in God is because...

like if there was a god, he would make teeth last forever. So why do we get rid of baby teeth and then suddenly we have adult teeth? It's like too confusing. I'm a little mad at you because I asked you to let me guess why you don't believe in God. I'm so sorry. Spoilers. And we've been saying for years. I felt like I was really close to. He was getting really close.

It was kind of 20 questions times a minute. Yeah. What did you narrow it down to? I narrowed it down to why do we have nightmares. That seems unfair. Can we just sleep? Can we have just like pleasant dreams? Yeah.

We always say sweet dreams. Yes. Right before bedtime to each other. And the platypus. Oh, yeah. The platypus is like, what's the point? It's a weird combo of things. But it's not.

It should be. What's the deal with ants? We don't need them. We don't. I think we do. No, we do. Humans don't. I know, but here's what everyone says.

Ants, bees, all this shit. They're always like, well, we need them because they kill the other thing. let's exterminate them all. And that way there's no need for something to kill the other thing. Well, I've long said we should be developing synthetic bugs. Yes.

That leave us alone. Yes. But they take care of everything they're supposed to do. You used to scream that on street corners. Yeah. It's like a big sign. Little tiny mechanical bugs that are like rumbas that clean up everything.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. We're saying different things. Oh, why? I'm saying replace the bugs that bother us with robot bugs. That's what I'm saying. But not to clean our homes.

No, not to clean. I'm saying they're like Roombas, but. Stop saying Roombas. They're like Roombas that clean up the other mechanical bugs that are bug, you know, the ones that they're like if ants kill whatever. They only kill their own. I don't want this all happening in my house. Sure you do.

No. There is an ecosystem. You're on a word. I want to sell you some bugs. Exactly. I want to see the ecosystem. What's it going to take to get some bugs in your house? Mechanical bugs that I sell you.

I already have all the bugs that live in my eyebrows. and eat whatever. Isn't that crazy that you have bugs all over your face right now? I don't respect that. You don't respect it. I don't respect that belief. They're there. You better respect my body on your face right now.

They're micromites. And anytime you like kiss another person, you're eating their bugs. That's right. So don't kiss anyone. Okay. Now you took science class from a seven-year-old. Is that right? I caught one.

I don't know. I'm about you're eating their bugs. When you eat the bugs in somebody's face so you get all the bugs that they have. If a girl puts their hand on your pee, then she gets pregnant. We should introduce ourselves.

It's 10 minutes into. Please allow me to introduce ourselves. My name is Paul F. Tompkins. My name is Lauren Lappkis. And my name is Scott Ackerman. This is Threatom. You know what it is. You love it.

Come on. Come on, guys. You know what this is. John Q Public. That's like a, it's like a. For God. so love the world he gave his only begotten son.

Yeah. That's from the Bible. Oh, that's John 360. I'm sorry. Is that just like a John Doe thing? No, John Doe is someone that is anonymous. What's John Q Public? Oh, the average person.

A term for, yeah, the people at large. Oh, okay. Joe Lunch Pale. It's actually, I don't think it's the average person. I think it's like a collection of John Q Public is everyone. Oh, the public. Yeah, the public. You think it's junk you public?

Junk you public. Junk you public. room bah Oh my god A demon beard Oh no Jump due public roomba You want to steal our soul

Public Roomba Then I pull your heart out of your chips God I wish You wish? Oh I don't want it anymore It hurts too much Too much love No I have a heart attack

No No I have a heart attack ongoing. Doctor, I have a heart attack. Oh, can I tell you about this doctor I went to? Sure.

Please. Oh, God, I'll tell you about something that happened to me. Oh, shit. I don't have one. Okay, you know how a year and a half ago, over a year now? A year and a half? A year and a half junkie public room, bah. He's creating his own language.

You know, you know, you're just saying, you're like Esperanto or something. It's crazy. Why won't you come to your? But since it's got a do, do, do. Reminds me of Seinfeld, of course. So a year and a half ago, I broke my foot playing pickleball. That was tough. Previously on Threatom.

That was tough. Previously on Theredom. Ow, ow, my foot. I was trying to play this little dumb game. Are we going to continue the pickleball game? No, I got to keep trying. Let me dig the don't. That got broke his foot.

We even, we went to the Hollywood Bowl when I had the broken foot and didn't know it. Oh, wow. Walking around on it. Walking uphill. Did you see Steve Martin? Yeah. Martin Short. Yeah.

So anyway, I broke my foot. I was in the walking boot during the entire... Too scary. No, I was in the walking boot and then I got it off right before the tour and I was in a brace for the entire tour. That's tough. Return of the walking boot. Yes. Return of the walking boot.

And then I was in physical therapy and stuff. Okay. Let's get physical. Physical. So I've had that. this issue with it the entire time where any time I point my toe as if I'm doing ballet. Doing ballet, exactly. And during the physical therapy.

Or when you're like trying to show cool up, oh, it's over there. Yes. Then I point with my foot. Or like basically. Because pointing with your hand is rude. Walking downstairs or climbing over something will trigger it. But I would feel the nerve on the top of my foot twinge. Oh.

And so for a year and a half, I've been going to this podiatrist. foot doctor and I've been saying, you know. Thanks for translating because I had no clue what a podiatrist was. This is the thing. He doesn't call himself a patiatress. I'm sure he doesn't. Rumba. He calls himself a junkie public rhubah.

He has devil horns. So I've been describing these symptoms and he would be like, well, it'll go away. Oh, that's good. It'll go away after time. And then he would prescribe me like this THC. When you're dead. Yeah. THC cream and stuff like this.

Come on. I would get. Futs get. My foot was so big. So it just has never gone away. So he said, okay, you know what? Let's go to this other doctor and get a nerve test. And I was like, okay.

And I scheduled it. Didn't think about it at all. I was just like, I'm going to this doctor. What is it? Oh, it's a nerve test. I get to the doctor. He's like, so do you know what's happening to this? day? I'm like, no. He goes, you didn't look up what you're going to be doing today. Oh, come on.

These motherfuckers, they tell us not to look anything up. I know. They do? Yes, doctors are always like, don't Google. Yeah, it'll freak you out. Disconnect your phone. Yeah. Unplug your modem. Touch grass. Yeah. He's like, you didn't, you didn't look it up. You don't know what you're, what's happening? I'm like, no, I'm starting to get really nervous. I'm like, no, what are we doing? He's like, well, we're doing a nerve test. he's like, okay, well, you know, reactions to this can be either very mild or you can be writhing around the floor in pain. So, you know, we'll see what happens with you. But basically, I'm going to be attaching these electrodes to your legs and foot.

And then I'm going to be sticking needles into your feet. Did he say writhing around the floor in pain? Something to that effect. That's what you picture at least. Yeah. I'm going to be sticking these needles into your feet. your foot in activating the nerves like their electric shocks

and I was like oh, okay and so I got this done. Can I see your credentials please? You didn't look up what I'm doing. It's called Crazy Pokedya. And I'm gonna poke you with his noodles roomba. Crazy Pokeda.

I'm gonna put your bag out of these noodles. So he put a bunch of noodles in my veins. I'm gonna poke you with these noodles. Put the noodles in my veins. That's a bunch of the pasta. stuff. So he started doing it and thankfully, I think because in physical therapy, one of the things they were doing to try to cure this was wrapping my leg up in this thing that would

give me electric shocks and you would turn it up as far as you could take it. Oh, so you could lose weight in your foot. Yeah, I'm sort of remembering I had when I had a planar fasciitis. Planet fasciitis noodles in the veins. When I had Plano Fesciitis, darling, you have no idea. Aschiitis, whatever. They did some electrode thing on my feet. Right.

That would be like something. So you would turn it. They would say this is going to be 15 minutes, turn it up as high as you can in order where you can still take it for 15 minutes, right? So I would turn it up as high as I could. So I think because of that, he's basically like sticking this needle in my thing and making my nerve go. Yeah.

Sticking a needle in your thing? Yeah. And that sounds painful. My needle thing. So is that, is that to see. Can you tell the difference? Is that to see? which nerve is being activated.

Yes. The pain you're feeling. Also, he's, he's, he's sticking a needle in it and, and hearing, like, the, the echoes in it and stuff like that. It would be like, eh. Like, literally he has a laughing. He's like, it's like, it's like connected to a computer with, like, these sign waves and stuff. And it's, it's, like, going. Ew.

Uh-huh. And so. That's your foot noise? Yeah. Ew. So he's trying to figure out which nerve is the problem, right? and so he does all this and he goes, all right, well, go back to your, I'll send the results.

You didn't ride the round. I was fine. I like literally just. Did he seem disappointed? It would make spazzy. Yeah, I think he was. Yeah, he wanted you to be like, oh God, Doc when hurts. It's so bad.

He's like, tough guy. Go back to your little house. Yeah. I presume you a little house for a little tough guy. So I was fine. I was just like, like, didn't make any noise and just was like, oh, this is, I mean, it's uncomfortable in the way of like. in the way of like weird that it's happening to you because you're you're having spasms.

But I was fine. So then I went back to my foot doctor and he's like, hmm, these results are inconclusive. Go back and get it redone. I hate that. What the fuck? Didn't that guy know that? I don't know. So I went back the other day and said, you know, I guess we got to redo it because he doesn't know.

So he had me redo it again. But then he's like, okay, I think we're going to test out what nerve it is. he goes you didn't drive here did you I'm like it's Santa Monica I'm sorry what yes I did he goes you're not driving back though right I'm like no one's giving me any instructions the fuck yes I drove

I drove here so he's like well what we're gonna do is we're gonna block your nerve so your driving foot is gonna be numb so I'm like what is this nonsense so I call my co-worker How does you know which foot is your driving foot Yeah you might be a good point You're a left foot and driver

Exactly like me Do they make cars for left footed drivers? You make cars? I do. Wow. Can I buy one? Do you want a left foot off? Just for the days where I get my nerve left foot.

You had this issue before with this foot where you couldn't drive. I drove the whole tour. Yeah, you weren't supposed to. Yeah, they said no. So your nerve says otherwise. Oh, you fucking got it. Because if you fucking let it rest. Right?

You're the architect of your own misery. Destruction. That's true. So I call my co-worker the baker and she takes an Uber to Santa Monica at four in the afternoon during rush hour. Because she's got to drive my car. I understand now. Yes. And he injects lydicane into my nerve.

Nice. And trying to see if that's the one. And he's like, well, just write to me tomorrow and tell me, you know, if it helped. Send me a postcard. There's a letter. It was like. And close $1. And by the way.

And I'll send you a sticker. By the way, by the time my coworker arrived, I was like, my foot feels fine. You didn't need to drive here and I could have driven home. Oh, great. I'm sure she loved to hear that. The good news is you should have really played out like, oh, my little foot. Oh, my fucking foot. The good news is that was the nerve because it felt great for, it felt great for about 15 hours.

And then the symptoms returned. And he's like, yeah, that's perfect. That's when it wore off. So we found the nerve. Now what? This guy sounds like he's fucking making it up as he goes along. But what happens next? Well, next is they're going to put steroids into it.

And then it may go away. And if not, then they block the nerve, which is like an operation. Oh, God. And so he goes, I go, he goes, can you just take it? Can you just survive with it? Or do you want to do this operation? I'm like, well, how involved is the operation? He goes, it's.

You didn't look it up? He goes, it's simple. Well, then I want to do it, bitch. But this is the... I don't like being talked to like this. This is so rude. But this is the other doctor. Remember the last operation I had?

Trying to remember. On your balls? Yes, the drain your balls. Yeah. Operation. See your bees. This guy's was like, it's a simple operation. It's outpatient.

He goes, we'll just numb you and snip and do it. And it wasn't. And it was horrible and I passed out and they got the smelling salts. And then I was out of it. Oh, yeah. I forgot all the details. Then I was out of it for a week. So this is what I'm afraid of.

They can do an operation that blocks the nerve. It's simple. Which is like a re- Cut your foot open. It's a reset of the nerve. It's simple for me. I was like, do they put you out? He goes, no.

It's just a simple operation. Well, then, yeah, sign me up. That's how I feel, but what if it's like this ball operation? Exactly. What if they go through your balls to get your foot? Oh, man. I hope so. What?

Oh, my God. Well, you wouldn't hear my story? Yeah. Oh, wait. We don't have time. Oh, that sucks. Let's take a break, but Lauren has a very. Very important story.

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that were getting confusing. Where do I go? Well, they were using different texts Anyways, they're like, your appointments at the same. Your appointments at that time. We didn't know which one was for which person. So it was like, I called this place. He just like wrote the word doctor.

Who go? Doctor two times. I'm not throwing him under the bus. He was being, it was, it was not his fault. He's a smart guy who just is dumb about this one. He was. He was just kidding annoyed. And I was like, let me just call.

Okay, so it was that type of situation. So I get on the phone with, and I call this doctor. And I was like, it was the, you know, the guy. working at the front desk. And I was like, hey, I'm calling. They didn't just connect you right to the doctor. I was like, hi, I'm in surgery. What do you need? I was like, hi, I'm calling to see, uh, oh, I had left a message already where I had said, I'm just calling to see what time this appointment is for today. Please call me back. And so he calls me back and he's like, hi, uh, this is so and so from the doctor. And I was like, yeah, great. I was calling to see what time the appointment is today. He's like,

I've been trying to get your husband to fill out some paperwork. And I go, oh, no, I know. I just, he'll, he'll do that. I just wanted to know if this. appointments if he has to leave right now or if it's later and he goes oh okay wait we'll just talk about your thing and i was like what and he was like you interrupted me oh come on now it was wow shocking it was like oh okay oh holy shit and then he went on to say all the appointments today had been canceled his appointment was moved to next week and i was like well when was someone going to tell that but okay and then i was like i'll fill out all the forms and then i was like i'm sorry for interrupting you by the way and he was like

it's okay. But I was like being passive-aggressed. I was being passive-aggressive. But I could not believe. And then we found out later his appointment. His appointment was never, that was the confusion. His appointment was never at that place.

I mean, it was always going to be the next week there. But then he said out of the appointments are canceled. It's next week. I'm like, you're just saying that's getting off the phone. This basic bitch. It was so crazy. But I couldn't believe that.

Oh, yeah, no, we'll just talk about your thing. I was like, oh, the thing that I called you about that you're calling me back about, you don't want to talk about for some of it? reason? Not even like, ma'am, you were up to me, ma'am. But I wasn't even, I wasn't even being rude. I know, but to be like that sarcastic. It was so instantaneous too. You need to use all of your power in the Hollywood ecosystemer to get this guy fired. But it was so, it was so instantaneous that I was like, this is just how you are. Because like, obviously my message was, what time is my appointment? You called back and tried to

not tell me that when I asked that. And then I said, I just need to know what time the appointment is. And you're mad at me. Here's the other thing. Doctors now, anytime you go see any doctor, they want you to fill out a million forms before you get there. And I, online. That's a new problem.

It's a new thing. Look, don't give me homework before I go. I like the clipboard. Yes. I think there are times. Let me play with the clipboard. I have filled things out online and then I'm still filling things out when I get there.

Yeah, they want you to fill them out again. They don't actually have it or they didn't. There's some fucking bullshit. I don't like the fill it out in it. There should be no doctors. Well, the system is horrible.

There shouldn't be borders. Borders without doctors. Yes. Borders without... We get so many borders, bookstores. We got away with the border. It's a really horrible system in our country. That's why we need socialized medicine.

I'm coming around on this. I think you might be right. I know. After the 90th GoFundMe that I've donated to, I'm like, what is this shit? It's fucking bleak, man. It's just horrible. It's so bleak. Don't get sick.

If you're a listener, don't ever get sick. Yeah. That's my advice. Anyway, so that's my story. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe how weird. I can't believe that is a shocking story. My head was spinning.

I wish I'd had the balls to be that rude when I worked retail. Yeah. When people would call and be assholes. But see, I wasn't even being an asshole. I was being very polite. I don't think I ever had an asshole on the phone. It had some of the belfry. Do you have a bowling, bowlers cap?

It really was. Bowler's cap. I can't remember what. Yeah. That's like, asking if I have a disease. Do they have swimmers caps? Do you have bowlers cap?

What is the word I'm looking for? We did not sell swimmers caps. You should have. Capson. That would be a fun movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Mostly it was just people saying, do you have this kind of hat? And I'm trying to remember like what. What's the most specific question? Did you have to know every type of hat? Would they ask about certain sizes? Did you naturally know every type of hat? Oh my God.

One at a time. Paul, over here. Over here. Yeah. Did you naturally know about every type of hat already? Was it innate to you? People will call about the hats. And I, and I.

every time I would say... Are you doing Biden? Yeah. Yeah. He trails off. No, but like, was there ever a, like a super specific call would have been like, how, you know, this... Like an A. Blinken hat.

Like shit like that. Right. People would ask for stuff like that. Do you have like a jester hat? And did you? And we did. Wow. But they were, but were they more like, it's for someone who likes to dress like a jester.

It's a, it's a leather jester. It's not for someone who doesn't want to dress like a jester. It's not for a costume. This is a lifestyle. I'm mostly nude. I have a question. This is going to be like a daily hat for him. It's not going to be like a, it needs to be durable. We did sell a lot of, we had like regular hats on the shelves and then we had costume hats on the walls.

Right. Hanging up on the walls that we got down by means of a long stick. And we also sold the classic plastic helmet with the beer can holders. Wow. Oh, that's all cool. We're sprawls. So it was like a, it was like a funny store. It had a whimsical side, but you could also get just a regular old hat there. I almost think they were doing too much.

Could you order? I beg to differ. You felt like it was just right. It was just right. If someone came in and said, like, do you have this specific hat and you didn't have it? Could you say like, we're going to get it, though, to you in four weeks? Or like, if you're like, if you're like, we'll order that specifically for you because we love to supply. I think it was just based on what they had always carried.

Hat. So if it was something. This is what we had. You couldn't like just name something and then we'd find it. Right. It was like if. It wasn't the internet. No.

It wasn't the internet. Sweetie, this was before the computer was. Yeah. I would tell people you want to get on an information super highway. Would, would you, would they give you free hats? We've never talked about this, Paul. This is a question that all of our listeners have had. We've talked about this.

store so much and never have I learned what types of hats we've never drilled down on any of the detail I've been dying for a deep dive on this store so let's do this I knew I knew someday you guys would we're coming coming around the courage to yeah we're coming around junkie public new room now no noodles in my veins noodles in my veins We would get a discount. How much? One hat for every 10 hats you bought? I really want...

The store was right by those monkeys. You know, what store do you think or what place do you think is the best for getting like a really good discount on the thing or like a free service if you work there? I guess anything involving food. I mean, when I worked at free food, Marie Callenders, you know, obviously. Restaurant Roundup. Yeah. I would go home with like three.

pies every night. That's great. And I thought that was every restaurant. Oh, that was special to that. And so then when I worked... So you were going to another restaurant and say, give me three pies. Get out of here. We're wearing a whiskey mask and hold of you going. No, but when I worked it like Baker Square then, they would throw away all the unused food in a dumpster that they would lock. Yes. So that unhoused people could not eat it. That's so gross. And I was always like, well, could I just take it home? They're like, no, because if you get sick from this, you can sue the restaurant. I was like, but, but, but Marie Callender's three pies. Baker Square French silk pie. So good. Yeah.

I like a French silk. I don't like a French silk. I don't like a pie. I don't eat it from a locked dumpster that I break into. I love a poisonous pie and a locked dumpster. I love the legal system. But this store, that hats in the Belfrey location where I worked. They had more than one.

Yeah. Oh, where they were. There was, there was one. Was one called Hats in the Belfry 2? No. Do you think they number all the like the J. Cruz? But you know how there's like. J.

crew number two, five. Was one a parody of Hats in the Belfry? You know what they do? Like that's in the Belfry? Yeah. That's in the Helfrey. There are places that say two. Yeah.

Okay, man. Like the, there's a bar, right? Isn't there a bar that has? And I wouldn't equate hats in the Belfrey to J. Crew with thousands of locations. Okay. They'd have thousands of locations in Philadelphia alone. Wow.

Was this purely Philadelphia? Philadelphia or would they No, no, no. I think they were also in Baltimore. They were on the East Coast. Water. Water. What do you do?

I don't know. I'm trying to say water like they do in water. Water. No, they do in Philadelphia. W-O-O-D-R. And in Baltimore, wouldn't be more water? I don't know. I don't like these places.

This is disgusting to me. So the location where I worked, this is before the other location happened in San Diego. inner city, which I think was the last one in Philly. I think it recently closed down. Oh, no. People keep up to date.

Recently. That was they lasted a long time. Yeah, they really did. So there's no hats in the Belfries any longer? In Philly, I believe there are enough. But here's what happened at this location. It went out of business. No.

Not enough hats. And the manager. Yeah, not enough hats. They ran out of hats. The demand was too alive. The manager at the time said, the store is closing. Here are your paycheck.

take whatever you want. Wow. Wow. And I took a bunch of crazy-ass hats. You would really benefit from this. And I did. But not every... Did everyone who worked their love hats?

No. Okay. I definitely loved hats more than anyone else. So how many hats did you take? I took like half a dozen hats. Did you take a jester hat? I did not take a jester hat. Half a dozen sounds like more than six.

It just feels like... Yeah, that he took 20 hats. Half a dozen, like just a phrase. I know. It's almost like when you say like, a quarter of a million. It's like, so what? It's a quarter of a lot of things. It's not a million. Why are you saying half a dozen? Just say a handful. Just say five. Just say six. No, just say five. Because you probably didn't take more than five. Why doesn't you just say the number that they actually took?

Yeah. Why are you lying to us? You're passing my test, which is wonderful. But then that store reopened and they didn't have a name. And they had to eat your hats back and you had to give them back. Paul, Paul. You got to come. We made a mistake. We need the beer. We need the beer cat hat. We need a choker hat. You just took six beer hands out because you bought a 12 back the previous day. And then I was mad that they didn't come with beer. Yeah.

I was like, oh, I thought the beer would just appear in. Half a dozen hats needs a dozen beers. This is not math. This is not math. Math is a mathie. I think it was a couple years later that they reopened. Noodles in my veins. And they did what?

Reopened. And then eventually closed down again. Well, as there. That's unfair. But when it reopened, it lasted. in a really long time. If a place reopens, it should not, it should not be legal to close. It's 2024 and people don't want hats.

Agreed. Yeah. That's the thing. No one wears hats anymore. Because our heads are warm from global warming. I don't think that is true. If you had to guess what year it is without knowing at all. Wait, let me cover my eyes.

Do you know what year? Okay. What year is it? Do you know what? A little bit in your head, it's like a different year. Do you know what I mean? No. Okay.

What do you mean? I guess like if I'm sort of, I'm like, 1776. I'm like it's loosely 2014. 17. But like it's actually 2024. 17. But I'm sort of like, you know, like how people are always like, if you want to feel old, 2000 was 24 years ago or whatever.

It's like there's a little bit of that where I'm like, I kind of feel like it's not that far ago. But it's, it is. I feel like. Well, Thomas Edison is closer to Urkel, the Urkel bot. Yeah. Then he was to the light bulb. That's right. That makes no sense.

No, Thomas Edison was. does. Albert Einstein was alive when Pearl Jam was a band. And Pearl Jam has been a band longer than Albert Einstein was even alive. Pearl Jam had a secretary in Einstein. Einstein and Pearl Jam is a woman. Yes. And the Pearl Jam was a woman the entire time.

You know what I always think is crazy. Eddie Vedder was a woman. I think I think Picasso's life is crazy. I mean, I don't think so. I thought he had a very normal boarding life. But what are the dates? He was an asshole. I feel like he was alive much later.

He made other people's lives interesting. Then I thought. Because didn't he die in the 90s? No, that's what always is interesting to me when you... He died of the premier... I'm sorry, he died in the 70s. Spikes like us.

He was born in 1881, he died in 1973. And I just feel like that's pretty recent. Did he ever go to Studio 54? Nikolai Tesla? He was in the audio. He was one of the first people to see the movie JFK. Yes. And he hated it.

He said too long. Too long. Goodbye. And then he died. Goodbye. You are the longest movie. Goodbye. I honestly, if I, I would love to be the presence of mine.

After Killers of the Flower Moon. When I'm dying to say. Come by. You are the longest movie. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Did you, do we all see that?

Killers of the Flower Moon? No. I did. I did. Yeah. I liked that Leonardo DiCaprio was playing a guy who was just fucking dumb. He had like a dumb face. And he had a bad teeth.

You had bad teeth? Bad teeth. Yeah. Bad teeth. He was Amish. If he had nice teeth, you would have been like, I was taking me out of the movie. Yeah, okay.

I'm constantly imagining the teeth back then. That happens all the time. Yeah. Also, he would have been too handsome where they'd be like, just go to, go to Hollywood, be a movie star. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't think he's that handsome anymore.

I feel like he. Isn't that weird? I mean, it's like, check my boner. He doesn't we'll see what I think. We're so used to him. Like as a, how old is he now? Is he like a middle-aged man? He's 50.

Yeah. He just looks... For 50? Let me look... For 50, it looks great. Wood bang. He's a very attractive man. But he doesn't look the same to me anymore.

But he also is always sort of uniquely handsome, I would say. But I also feel like he's one of those guys that looks... How old is. This is going to come back to haunt you when you host SNL and he's the musical guest. He's six feet? He's six feet. I didn't realize he was so tall. I feel like

this is a weird theory I guess Okay But I feel like people have Is this a segment Paul's weird theories? Yeah Okay good Paul's weird theories

Paul's weird theories Um when I saw Once upon a time in Hollywood And I And Brad Pitt in that movie I felt like

Oh this is the This is handsome This is the age That he's supposed to be Like this is when it all comes together. Like he looks... He's never not been extremely attractive.

He's been attractive, but he didn't... He has the depth of age. This is the most attractive he's ever going on. Check him out in Fight Club when he shirtless fighting. Yeah, Scott's... I've seen it. Thank you. I stand by my theory.

Okay. And I feel like for Leo, I think you passed that time. He's passed now. Hey, I like hearing men talk about other men's looks. I like... We don't get it enough. We don't get it enough. You like that.

We don't get this. You like us talking about men's bodies? Okay, not in that way. Talk to each other. Hey, Paul. I like your body. I like your body. I like the casing around your soul.

I like the contours of your frame. Wow. Wow. I'm enjoying this. It's fine because it's preferable to us talking about women's bodies on this show. It is preferable to me. I think we're allowed. this brings me to a question I was going to ask.

Women's bodies. On the previous episode, I didn't get to. But I don't know if it actually works both ways. But so, you know, a lot of times men will date younger women. Sure. And do you, and so it's hard to, I guess my way. I will say it's hard to date someone who's the exact same age as you. Why?

Because it's just hard to figure out that math. Well, I mean, they have to be born on the birthday that you have. Yeah. That is very hard. To date someone who is your exact same birthday? Oh, wait. That's hard. It's very difficult.

I just read this thing that Jay Leno, like, is attracted to people who are born on September 5th. Here something. My birthday, September 6. But. What the fucking talk about it? I had to find this little. Recent Jay Leno news. I read something where Jay Leno is attracted to people who were born on September 5th.

Okay. Listen, this is what it says. It's an interview. It's an interview. I don't, excuse me. I don't know what it's from. source made up.com Source X, Twitter X, whatever.

Jay Leno, I've lived with five women. I've lived with five women and every one of them was born on the same day. I can look at a woman and go September 5th. I don't know why that is. I don't look for a woman born on September 5th. I just wind up attracted to them. Mavis says, when we met, he asked when my birthday was and I said September 5th. He started laughing.

I remember it's so clearly. I said what? And he said, oh, nothing. And then Jay says, I remember I had Kathy. Cool her in. Yeah, what the fuck? That would, that would concern me. Why are you keeping this close for this?

Well, because you don't want to say everyone I date is September 5th. It just sounds. Yeah. But you have to say something. Yeah. You can just be like, I had nothing. Why are you laughing my birthday? Yeah.

No reason. Okay. It worked out. They've been together for five years. You are the longest. You're the weirdest date. Come on. I remember I had Kathy Guysway on the Tonight Show.

Of course, created Kathy comics. Of course. And I said, he said, and I said, I'm happily married. Don't take this wrong. I'm attracted to you. but in an odd way. He said this to her on the show? Are you born on or around September 5?

Oh, now it's a lot of around. And she said yes, September 5th. All right. I don't like any of this story. No, I'm September 6th. So for me, it just makes me wonder, would he be attracted to me in an odd way? Jay Leno, right?

Please go to hag claims 8.com. Leave us a voicemail. Would you bang Lauren? No, it's not that. He's a happily married man. Would he be attracted to me? Attracted to an odd way. Pass on banging Lauren?

Yes, I'm unavailable for such actions. But the. That's a great way to turn down sex. I'm unavailable for such actions. My question is, so like there will be times where a celebrity who is somebody I grew up liking. Here's what I bet happens. Any woman that he's attracted to comes on the show and he goes, I'm attracted to you. When were you born?

And it's always like April 12th or whatever. And he's like, no, but he set up, were you born on September 5th? So he probably says that to everyone and 99% go no. And he goes, well, I'm still attracted to you. Ew. Okay. My question is still coming. Okay.

Oh, my God. I know. It's been really a huge buildup. Okay. Disgusting. Okay. Disgusting. There are celebrities that I grew up like watching and things and admiring

or never. And then they'll marry someone who's my age where I'm like, so I could have married them. You know, it's that feeling of like. Like when you were 14? No. like they marry someone my age now. Right. So if you met them before that person.

If you would help off. I could have married them. Yes. I think we've talked about this about a specific person. You've thought that about. Oh, well, don't bring it up. Maybe not on this show, but yeah.

Okay, I'll have to ask you about that later. Al Gore. But then the question is, I don't know if it works the other way because it's kind of gross the other way. But like, you know, like, you mentioned married kid and Ashley and they married people who were older or one of them did. And then I'm like, oh, well, that happens. way too where it's like oh some like somebody but then I guess it's gross if I'm asking it

that way it's a you know what don't answer it if you're dating don't answer are you asking us to marry you no don't answer it do you know what here's a thing that I that I am realizing somebody asked me like about celebrity crushes and I have a there's a weird thing now where you know how mentally you have not aged in a certain way or emotionally whatever yeah I still feel 10 I see. You act like it. Fuck you. If I see an attractive, a current attractive actress in a movie.

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, she's very attractive. Then I'm like, oh. She'd find me disgusting. Yeah. I'm old and gross. I'm too old to be having a crush on this actress. Then if you saw that person marry someone who's your age, you'd go, maybe I'm not.

That's the thing. I feel bad for them. I think shoot your shot, Paul. All right. We have to take a break. Okay. And we're back, and it's three-cher time. It truly is, and this is a special time of year.

It's a special time during the episode. It's a special time of episode. And if you would like to send us a three-chreter to play, if three-chers-like a parlor game, and you can send it to us at FreedomUSA.g.gmail.com. Or, I mean, should we open it up to hagclaims8.com? No, no, no. Okay.

Don't leave a voicemail. Don't leave a voicemail. We don't need a game. We don't want to hear your rules. You have to type it out. So this is one we played before, and it was originally submitted by Kristen Kelly, and never submitted by anyone else,

which is nice. Wild, isn't it? You think someone would, like, listen to this show, hear a three-tcher that we played, and then submit it. I thought it would be like monkeys and typewriters. Yeah. And Shakespeare.

Who? Shakespeare originally was a monkey with a typewriter. That's honestly, that's what we've been trying to get down to. He was the one guy, the one monkey in the room who ended up. typing out Shakespeare's place. If you don't see that one monkey in the room, you're it.

Shakespeare was the one monkey in the room who ended up typing out Shakespeare place. Yeah, and that's why they called him Shakespeare. So because the plays were by Shakespeare? Who? Because the plays were by Shakespeare, so they're like, we're going to call you Shakespeare. You seem to be telling us your name is Shakespeare. You know what? Shakespeare's a name we don't hear off.

Shakespeare is a guy. Do you think Coco the gorilla enjoyed Shakespeare? Oh, I'd love to know more about that whole theory. Do you think anyone enjoy Shakespeare? Or do we just say we enjoy Shakespeare? That's a good question. I think there are some people who genuinely really do. But is it, it's sort of like when you remember, Paul, you probably have this experience.

I'm on the spot. When you go to the Sunset Five and watch an independent comedy and everyone would be laughing at the screen going, ha, ha, ha, ha, during any joke to prove how smart they were. Yeah, it's like the brothers, McMullen. All right, this was submitted by Kristen Kelly, and it's called rated scenes. What we're going to do is we're going to improvise a two-minute G-rated movie scene. Right. Might be PG.

It's G or PG. Then we're going to... What's the difference? You can say shit one time. No, it's G. So it's got to be very G. It's very clean. Okay. Then we're going to do the same scene again, PG-13.

Okay. Then we're going to do the same scene again as R. Yeah. And then we're going to do the same scene again as tripping. X. Triple X. It's a little strange. Okay.

What if we don't want to? Well, we're forced to. I am unavailable for such actions. I'm not available for such actions. All right. So ready? Here we go. Hey, Paul.

Hi, Scott. How are you? Ding dong. What's that plays? Ding dong. What's going on? I just was wondering if you all were interested in playing fetch with my dog. Oh, that's such a cute dog.

I love playing fetch with dogs. Yeah, she's a Dalmatian. I just got her from the fire station. They said she was too good to be a fire dog. Has she saved people? What does that mean, Ding. Yeah, what does that mean? She's just so sweet and loving, and she doesn't want to work that hard.

Oh, so she's lazy. I wouldn't put that way. What? I mean, too good? Whose words are these too good? Yours are the fire station? I guess I put the label too good. What did the firemen say?

That she didn't help out at the last fire. And was lazy? They didn't say lazy. It's hard to blame a dog for not helping out during a fire. Do you want to play fetch with my dog? Sure. You guys are my neighbors. I love your marriage.

I'm so happy about how nice you are to me all the time. This is a G-rated movie. Can we be married? And I would love for you to play with my dog in the yard. What are we fetching? Can I ask that? Oh, wait, is the dog throwing a thing and we're fetching it? You're going to throw you a thing?

a stick and my dog's gonna bring a pack. Does the dog know it's a game? Yeah, she's really, really smart. Okay, all right. So where do we get this stick? It's just off a tree? Have you ever, I'm sorry, have you never? Wait, every time you play fetch, you break off a branch, off a tree.

Can't you just find a stick on the ground? Yeah, now you're the weirdo. You weirdo. Oh, look, my mom's- Oh, I found a stick. My mom's calling me. I got to go. But I just threw the stick.

I didn't hear anything. Come on, Fido. Wait, but that sticks over there now. Wow. We really missed our chance. Or did we? I guess we have to get the stick ourselves. Should we do it as a team?

Sure. Okay. And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, eleven, twelve paces. There we go. Hey, one last thing. My mom offered. You scared me. Tick-dong.

What did you get back on here? Usually you ring the bell. My mom offered to share this pie with you. It was too good to share with my whole family. Too good or too late. too lazy. And that's it. All right.

A real G. Yeah. From a great movie. Yeah. It's such a good plot. PG-13 version. Some call it a perfect scene. Everything made sense.

It moved forward and it was logical. All right. And PG-13 and go. Shit. Fuck. Ding-dong. Oh, hey, ding-dong. What's that motherfucker.

I don't play yet. Oh, we already had her one fuck. I mean, what's the players? Ding dong, what's happening? What's going on? I was wondering if you wanted to play fetch with my dog. Oh, sure.

I love playing fetch with dogs. Shit, I don't know if I have time. Shit, you might be right. What do you mean you should have time? I'm going to do some drugs soon. Oh, you can still play with my dog if you're on drugs. I'm going to do implied drugs. Yeah.

And implied sex. I, look, and sex is implied. in this marriage between you two and I'm so... Can we see your butt? What? Just butt, just butt. Um, no. Is your body unavailable in such actions?

My potty is unavailable for such actions. All right. Where'd you get this dog? Well, the firehouse just let her go because she was too good. Shit. Shit. Is that the only difference? That's worth saying shit.

Oh, no, some gremlins are here. Oh, and she helped. She helped the... The firemen all day long every day and they just couldn't take it anymore. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Anyway, do you want to play fetch with her? I guess.

Yeah, I'd really like to. But hold on a second. Did the firemen say this or you said this shit? Well, this shit was kind of said by the fireman, but not in so many words. They said she left a few bodies behind in a fire. And she didn't help. So they had to let her go. All right.

well, where do, so we're going to fetch this or does the dog throw it? Yeah, just throw one of your guns through the yard and she'll go get it. I'll throw my gun. Yeah. All right,

here we go. Whack! Bang! Shit. Shit. She's getting it. Don't worry. She's not dead from that.

No. If that's what you might have been thinking. Carrying the gun in her mouth, but there's no violence. See, she's perfect. Wonderful. And that's it.

Okay, great. All right. And now we do it rated R. Rated R. This scene, Rated R. And go. Ding Dong and the Dalmatian, rated R. Hey, Paul.

Hey, Scott, what the fuck? What's going on? Ding, Dong. What's up, players? It's fucking ding on. Hey, ding dong, do you want to fuck? On screen? I hope I didn't interrupt you guys having sex with each other because you're married.

No, no, no. We're just fucking around. We can do it without being married. Yeah, we have a very. anal sex right up the ass we do both kinds of sodomy it's great we don't show it this is not rated triple X no I don't think

it has to be these days we have dicks but you can't see them speaking of dicks maybe once do you want to throw your dick for my dog to play fetch sure here we go whew let's all short tits oh where'd you get the dog

Oh, the fire station threw out the window. Those cock suckers? Yeah. They said she's a bad bitch who can't help at all. So I said I'll take her. I'm realizing the problem with this is we just curse more. Yeah. What else?

There's no difference. Oh, hey, my mom's here. Hi, boys. I begged you a pot. Oh, my mom, Mrs. Ding Dong. What's up, players? Can I make it look like I'm fucking the pot? That's what I want you to do.

Without seeing your penis, though. No, you won't see my erect penis, but you will see like a pie attached to my groin as if I'm having sex with it. Yeah. Okay. Let's do that. Okay. You got me straight, tributt. I'm going home.

Okay. No, we're going to kidnap you. Bye, Mrs. Ding dong. Oh, no, I'm staying. That's right. Dingtong's leaving. Now, fuck that pie. Ancy.

All right, triple X-Rex. Why are we doing triple X? No, we're not doing triple X. Yes, we are. Here we go. Egg go. You're stupid. Hey, fuck you.

Yeah, you are. Hi, Paul. Hi, we're fucking right now. Pie delivery. It's graphic. Hey, ding-dog. What's up, players? I've got a pie delivery.

Why don't you get in on this? I don't have any money. How am I going to pay for this? Here, so you pay. Suck my dogs, pee pee pee. Dogs. Okay. Now this is illegal.

Well, triple X. Triple X seems. Triple X does not cover BCality. Also, triple X is meaningless. It's just X. Triple X is like made up. And seed. Oh, the scene ends when you don't want to do the thing.

Well, thank you, Kristen Kelly. Suck my dog's pee-pee. Yeah, I just met out of a jar. Oh, okay. Wasn't anything the dogs who would know about. I'm sorry. It's a female dog. Oh, okay.

Just sucking piss with a straw. Oh, my God. Sugar Bids with a strong. Outside the chili dogs. All right, well, that's going to do it for this episode. But remember, you can hear our premium episodes, which we call three meme episodes. Fun. Those are every other week on Wednesdays, and those are exclusively at CBB World and also Apple Podcasts Premium.

Yeah. That's where we answer your voicemails. If you want to leave us a voicemail, head on over to hagclaims8.com. It's a great place to be. It's where all people hang out. Follow us on the socials at Freedom USA. At Instagram. If you want to write to us,

Freedom USA at Gmail. And of course, on Tuesdays, we do our three visiting on the twos, which is older episodes. We take them out from behind that paywall. You can hear them. So there's a lot of freedom for you guys. And it's going to be really great for you guys.

And I hope you guys love it so much. And it makes your whole day. You guys, we love you. We love you. Take care. You're very special. We're not in love with you because we're in love with each other. That's right.

Okay. Take care now. Bye. Okay. No, no, no. I want the last word. Goodbye, everyone. You are the longest movie. Goodbye.

Goodbye.