Threedom - Threevisiting: Lauren's Topics Presents: Scott's Topics

Episode Date: August 26, 2025

Threevisiting on the Tues: On the season 5 premiere of Threedom, Paul reads a scam email, Lauren gives Scott the floor during Lauren's Topics, and the gang plays Noah's Ark: Mythical Creature Edition! Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock the THREEMIUM archive on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Freedom Freedom is back You can pay the plan on you We're back Bitches We're back The trolls are back We're the bitch, we're the bitch

And the bitches back The trolls of freedom are back Oh my god You're to troll you And the edge lord shit posters of all time. We are doing it. We're little piggies for you. I'm disgusting.

We hate ourselves and we love you. I'm filled to the brim with self-loathing. I'm taking to the crib keeper. Oh, is that something he said? I hate myself. Self-loaming? Oh, my God. She's dealing with some sort of story involving loam.

Self-lowering into a great. What do you think he looked like before? I think he was handsome. I think he was bang. Crimkeeper is bent. I think he was very handsome. He was so, he had beautiful, fleshy cheeks. He had that long, stringy hair.

Oh, he had the hair. His face was covered with skin. Oh, the best skin. Did he have eyeballs? He had a nose. Wow. He doesn't have eyeballs. He actually, the Crickkeeper is beautiful blue eyes.

Well, absolutely. They're piercing. They're icy cold. Yeah, yeah. He had earrings. He had earrings hanging with his skeletons. Yeah, he had like big hoop ears. Yeah.

Oh, big hoopie earrings. Yeah. When you have gauges. He would take them off for a fight. You have gauges and you died as your skeleton of big holes. Yeah, of course. In your butt. Oh, well, yeah.

What? What? I can move you salad. Oh, my God. Is this the way the show's going to be? Oh, my God. But wait. I feel like it's like that.

Yeah. I heard that you got threatened over email. Hold on. Hold on. We got to introduce ourselves and say welcome back and shit. Oh, I guess so. Oh, my God. Hi.

How dare I. Hi. My name is Scott. Oh, nice to meet you. I'm Paul. Oh, my God. You're Paul? You don't look anything like what I imagined you to look like.

I could say the same thing about you, but I'd be lying. I imagined you like the Crip Keeper, but with skin. That's what he looks like. Well, thank you. But you don't look like that. Thank you. Oh, by the way, I'm Lauren. If you want to know who I am.

M.T.W. B.T.W. Indeed. This is Freedom. The show where three buddies. We tell stories about our life. Firmily jerk off. Well, okay.

Oh, speaking of jerky of jerky off. Physically. Paul, did you get an email? Well, I'm glad you brought that up, Scott. I'm so glad you used that into make a good segway. I'm so glad to use that into me a good segue. Da, da, da, da, yes. I got this, uh, I got this email.

It's not somebody that I know. Uh-oh. And it starts off very positive. Oh, good. And it takes a turn. Oh, no. Well, why don't you walk us through that? Okay.

Greetings. Positive. Exclamation mark. That sounds fun. Yeah, that sounds great, yeah. It's either Christmasy or foreign. Exclamation. Esclamation.

Or time traveler. True. Exclamation marks. Excuse me? They're the new period. Escalator marks? Well, I hear the new period. I hear the new period is no period.

But exclamation mark is like, if you don't have an exclamation mark, you sound like you're bored or... Sometimes I don't you hate... The new period is starving yourself to the point where you stop having a period. Right. Yes. But then I read an article today about how periods imply anger now to the younger generation. Yeah, it's hostile. The younger generation.

Younger than us? Because they're used to communicating through TikTok dances. And when they see a period, they think because it's a textbook? Yes, it's interesting. He thrust his fist against the posts. Oh, he still insists he sees the ghosts. Oh, my, I'm not familiar with the reference. That is a rhyme that you say if you are having trouble with a lisp.

Say again. He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts. He thrusts his fists against the ghosts. He thrusts his fists against the posts. the posts and still insists he sees the ghost. Oh, no, it doesn't work. Oh, why haven't I done a Lisp character? Why haven't you? Why haven't you?

That's a great question, I just asked. Thank you. You really should. Make fun of all those people. It's not making fun. It's just inhibiting, inhabiting, a box of someone. Inhibiting. Inhabiting. Someone unlike me. All right. A three-dimensional being. I got as far as greetings.

Then it takes a turn. Oh, really? After one word? Yeah. Okay. So it's pretty quick. I have to share bad news with you. Oh, no. Paul, is everything all right? Oh, boy, it's not. Okay.

Approximately a few months ago, I gained... Approximately. Somewhere in the range of a few months ago. Yeah, because it sort of feels like it was like five months ago, but I think it was more like a few. It was either... It was somewhere between a month ago and six months ago. Yeah. I gained access to your devices, which you used for Internet browsing.

True. Truly gained access. Wow. After that, I have started tracking your Internet. activities. After that. Well, that's on me. After that, I have started tracking your internet.

Can you slow down? Can you make sense? I need to be off book with this. After that, I've started tracking your internet activities. Wow, you did it. Okay. Can we just get a series? Sometimes when you don't look at it, it's actually easier.

Oh, God. That's what doing voiceover is like for people who don't know. Just get a series. It's like, yeah. You feel like you're, you're not a control of your own performance at all. I had it actually a situation recently where I was not in control of my performance to the point where I was like, I can't believe what's it. I was asked to squawk like a bird sort of unexpectedly. How did it sound?

Horrible. I could not figure out. No, no, I can't. Did you get to pick the bird? Do it? No, I can't. I actually have to work on this because it has to happen later. Let's hear what you have, though.

I can't. Like you had to leave. No, no. You can't. You didn't get it. Go home. I truly was like, I won't be shocked if I get fired because I couldn't think of how a bird sounds. a bird or were you playing a human who squawks like a bird?

Kind of one of that situation. Okay. But it wasn't mentioned. The answer is man. It wasn't mentioned. What? No, I can't do it right now because I want to hear it. Shut up!

If it makes you feel any better, I don't want to hear it. Thank you. Anyway, I was like, I couldn't make a sound that made any sense. I truly was like, I got to work on this later. I was like I can't, I got to hear what a bird sounds like. So what did you do? Did you walk through the park and listen to the chirpings of birds? I basically got in the car and wanted to commit harm against myself.

And then I got in the car. And then I forgot about it until now we have to go back and do it again. So it made you feel bad for roughly 60 seconds in the car. I made you feel bad for a few days. For a few days, really? Like just kind of repeating my head. Yeah, exactly. Here's the sequence of events.

Okay. Some time ago, I mean, I thought we established it was approximately a few months. But can I just say, I don't think. So far, I'm like, what's okay? So you browse on the internet. Yeah, you all do. We all. They've been tracking my activities.

Which is like that set up a little warning flag. But maybe you've gone to what, Expedia.com? Yeah, like booking.com. Are we sponsored by them? Hotels.com? What are some of our sponsors? Let's see. We don't have any.

This paper says it's about our cells. We are our own ad. Our ads are just about our show. Yeah. I would like to promote pills that cause. Be the ad you'd like to see in the world. Yeah. Some time ago I purchased access to email.

accounts from hackers. Purchased access to... Well, hold on a second. Nowadays, it is quite simple to buy it online. Oh, okay. That makes sense. I like that they just explained. You could do it too.

I have easily managed to log into your email account. Easily. And then they say my email account. Oh, my God. Well, they were emailing you. So I think they knew that part. Yeah. They should just send the password.

That would be actually scary. One week later, I have already installed... One week. So a few months ago, plus one week. week. Okay. Time is really adding up, but I'm lost. What are we in March?

I've already, what did you start doing the thing that he's talking? I've already installed the Cobalt Strike beacon on the operating system. Oh, no. Of all the devices you use to access your email. Cobalt strike. Stop the episode right now. You need to take care of this.

Columpt straight beacon is literally, they know everything. I know. I'll tell you what I did at the end. Okay. It was not hard at all since you were following a link from your inbox. I'm happy for him. I keep saying how not hard it was. It's like... It was unheard of all.

Why don't you say it was hard? Since you were following the links from your inbox emails, all ingenious is simple, and then an emoticon of a smile. Oh, that's nice. That's cute. Wait, say it again. All ingenious is simple. Emoticon, smile.

So it's like a catchphrase sort of thing. Wait, a period after the emoticon? Yeah. I don't think you have to do that. I don't know what the strunken white is on that, but... I do think when you say emoticon, we're putting ourselves back like at least 20 years. Yeah. Just saying, emoticom.

Yeah. What? Amoticon. Amoji. Oh, okay. We've moved on. Bitmoji. So we no longer can say emoticon.

We can't say it anymore. We don't say that anymore. I just think that the- offensive to them? The kids might be like, children are offended by them saying emoticon, like they're playing mind-sweeep. What do we care about what the children think about us? I don't.

Look, how young are you out there? How young are you? Yeah, that's a good question. How old am I? Yeah, we asked who our oldest listener was, right? I think we asked about youngest listeners, and we got a few that were. were like three and four, and they love us.

Well, that was on behalf of other people. Kids, if you're listening, go to school tomorrow. We can't, if a parent says, my three-year-old listens, we don't know that you, that's not true. But do they retain? Yes, they don't know what's going on. If they saw us on the street, could they point at us? The youngest listener who is able to process the podcast and compose an email. I want someone 12 years old to be our biggest fan.

Why? Because they can compose an email. Oh, to be our biggest fan. How young is too young to be emailing? It's like, if you're like 12 and you love our show, is it like when we were growing up and you're like, you're into something, I'm trying to think of like a reference that's like,

if I was like, if I was like 12 and I'm like obsessed with Howard Stern. I did watch Howard Stern, but you should have been doing that. Well, I know, but he had a show on E or he showed the big titty ladies. Guys, it gets worse. That was,

I was like, nobody, do what did it gets worse. This software provides me with access to all your devices controllers. Example, your microphone, video camera and keyboard. That's bad. Paul. Or he can start typing on it. That would be scary. That would be very scary.

It would be like very ghost writer. Did you watch that show? No. No, I was an adult by them. I would really hope that you didn't watch it. I have downloaded all your information data, photos, videos, documents, files, web browsing history to my servers. I have access to all your messengers, social networks, emails, chat history, and contact list. That's everything, Paul.

It's really violating. This person did not leave out a thing. Shit. Yeah, because he even got the keyboard. Do you say except safari? No. No, really? No.

He's like, or if you were in incognito mode, I don't know what you did. He didn't mention that. So I'm assuming, and I'm assuming it's a he. It's definitely a man. Women don't do stuff like this. My virus continuously refreshes the signatures. It is driver-based. Oh, it's driver-based.

And hence remains invisible. I know. You don't owe me an explanation for how easy it was, how you did it. I'll do this to him. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, if it's driving. Yeah, exactly. He's giving you all the clues.

Mr. Police, you gave me all the clues. Yeah. And hence remains invisible for antivirus software. Likewise, I guess by now you understand why I have stayed undetected until this letter. Ah, yeah, it does make sense. It's pretty obvious, yeah. Yeah. I know where this is going.

While gathering information about you, I have discovered that you are a big fan of adult websites. Paul, no! You love visiting porn websites and watching exciting videos. while enduring an enormous amount of pleasure. That sounds like it had for porn. Enjoy it. I love it too. You love enjoying it and having a lot of pleasure.

Oh, yeah. An enormous amount. That's the one reason to go. Sure. Sounds like it makes sense. Well, I have managed to record a number of your dirty scenes and montageed a few videos. You aren't in them. This is like a mock.

Hold on a second. So he's editing and cross-cutting? He's like, here's your triple chin. managed to record a number of your dirty scenes in Montchotch, a few videos, which show how you masturbate and reach orgasms. Oh, no. How do you do it, call it? My technique?

How you reach. I've always wondered. How you reach orgasms? Well, I reach orgasms by masturbating. Oh, okay. Yes. But how? I thought that was obvious.

From behind and under? I don't want anyone to know my technique. If you have doubts, and I did it first, I can make a few clicks of my mouse and all your videos will be shared with your friends, colleagues, and relatives. Oh, my God. Wasn't there a black? He didn't leave out a single group. I haven't received anything yet, though, Paul.

Well, because I think you probably paid off this. You think he gave him out. Oh, you don't skip ahead, Scott. You gave them money. Considering the specificity of the videos you like to watch, you perfectly know what I mean. You perfectly. It will cause a real catastrophe for you. Oh, my God.

What is it like? Draft porn. Reverse cowgirl? Reverse giraffe. I watch catastrophe and I jerk off. If anytime Rob Delaney takes a shirt off. It shows his butt. By the way, okay.

I think that's normal. I've been watching Catastrophe. Great show. I like you. Love Rob. Don't make a show and show me your butt. If you're a friend of mine, you know what I mean? If you're in charge of the show.

Yeah. You don't have to show it in your pants. There were a few times where on comedy band page where they're like, hey, so like in the script it says you show your butt. I'm like, oh yeah, cross that out. Yeah. If you did that, that would be horrible. I would hate it.

I would hate it. By the way, it's pronounced catastrophe, not catastrophe, as I thought. Oh. That's in the email? No, that's just a sidebar for me. So this guy knows what you do. I also have no issue at all with making them available for public access. No issue.

Exposed all data? No issue at all. He's fine with that. This guy has no morality. I thought he'd have some compunction. Yeah. He has no compunction with doing it. Jeez.

And that's like a period or exclamation point. You've got to have some of compunction. General data protection regulation, GDPR. Under the rules of the law. Did he write GDPR? Yeah. He did. I know that does seem like a thing that I would do.

General data and protection regulation, GDPR, colon, under the rules of the law, you face a heavy fine or arrest. I guess you don't want that to happen. I don't know why I face arrest. Because you hacked into my shit. I face arrest. No, I think he's trying to say the stuff he watches. Oh, because it's so disgusting and depraved. Because it's illegal.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And there's really only one thing that's illegal. Well, I got to say, what's that? Girl on Girl. Yeah. Gross. I got to say like that's when you go, okay, unless you're actually a pervert.

But you get that email and you go, oh, I'm fine. I didn't look at something that the government will arrest me for. I've gotten one of these that's a little more like general. I got one too. I wonder if I can find it. That's just a little. more like, hey, you know, I have videos of you doing this and I'll, unless you pay me money, then I'll, well, let, wait, you hear.

How could I find it? What would be the word? Wait, to hear the, yeah, put it in greetings. I'll put greetings. What do you hear this? Let's settle it this way. You transfer 6.8 Bitcoin to me. 6.8 bit, okay, how much are Bitcoin now?

They're like 50 grand or something? That's crazy. I don't know. I also don't know where the point comes in. You have to get Bitcoin. It's like you have to work 10 weeks on SNL or something as a guest writer. Just buy one. Don't bring those bits in here.

One Bitcoin. You transfer 6.8 Bitcoin to me, and once the transfer is received, I will delete all this dirty stuff right away. Yeah, right. After that, we will forget about each other. Oh, you'll also promise. So I'll forget about you and you'll forget about me. I don't think I'm never going to forget this. Or is that something he can do with a tool, like sort of like a movie thing.

Yeah, like a neuralizer, like a men in black? Yeah. Are you waving what Harry Potter one? I've never seen men in black so I didn't know what movie was and I didn't know what to call it. But I was doing, I was doing what you were saying. Like an eraser, like a big eraser. They erase your brain. He's like, you will forget about me and I will forget about you.

I don't think he forgets about you either. I know you don't forget about him. But if you forget about him, he might as well have forgotten about you because you don't know about him. Because anytime he spends some of that Bitcoin, he's going to go. This guy knows what he's doing. I'm sure he's doing this to so many people who masturbate. And I think he will forget about me, but I'll remember this. It'll be a scar on my brain anytime I masturbate from now on.

Well, that's true. You are going to worry that he's looking at you. He says, after that we forget about each other. I also promise to deactivate and delete all the harmful software from your device. vices, trust me, I keep my word. Oh, good, okay. So this guy sounds like, okay. He's sort of a gentleman scam.

I'm not sure. This is a fair deal. That is a fair deal. And the price is relatively low, considering that I have been checking on your profile and traffic for some time by now. He should promise to send pictures of himself doing the same jerk off stuff.

And that way it's like detentee. Mutually assured destruction. Yes. That would be good. I would love it if he did that. Um, if you don't know how to purchase and transfer a Bitcoin, you can use any modern search engine. Oh, oh, any modern one. Wait, how old are the search engines?

Not being and not ask Jeeves, baby. You got to get on Google. You imagine asking Jeeves that. Oh, I would never. I'd be mortified. Jeeves, how do I? Jeeves, how do I? This is a little embarrassing Jeeves, but I've been watched on my computer.

It was very easy, you see. We're using GDPR. You need to send that amount here Bitcoin wallet. B, C, 1, Q, 8, K, Y, Z, L, N, N, F, 4, A, 6, 5, K, 8. Everyone send your Bitcoin to this guy. P, G, Q, X, Z, G, 7, U, J, UX, J, J, P, W, K, K, K, K, B, C, K, K, B, C, 1, Q, B, 8, Focus.

Paula's expanding it so it can be bigger on his phone. It's, I mean, it's a long address. Well, it is, and that's because it's his wallet. And you really, it is very specific. All right. Here we go. Sorry, everybody. BC1Q8, K-Y-Z, L-N-N-F-4, A-6, 5, K-G-8, P-G-G-G-G-7, UX, J-J-J-J-J-P-W-Z-R-A-5.

The price is not. negotiable. How much is it? 6.8 Bitcoin? What is that equal? You have five days in order to make the payment from the moment you open this email. In US dollars. Do not try to find and destroy my virus, exclamation. Dude, that's $141,181 in 10 cents. It's a fair price and it's not negotiable. Could you get them down 10 cents? That's so much. I got one of those and they wanted me to send them $1,000. Yeah, he's lucky. Yeah. But this guy is he's he's hitting. He's not the people who are like really bad perverts Yeah, yeah. He's like you pay me off

with your fucking mortgage. I think it's by masturbation session. That's how he... So it does make sense. Because he only saw me do it like a thousand times. You saw you do it 141,000. Your guy needs like 141,000 people to respond and pay him. This guy only needs one.

That's true. He's kind of got to... It's better that way. Yeah. Better business plan. All your data is already uploaded to a remote server. Do not try to contact me. various security devices will not help you. Formatting a disk or destroying a device will not help either. Since your data, something is making it longer, but I can't put my finger on. By the way, edit these down.

If you're going to send these. Since your data. This is one of the most gripping things I've ever read. No, honestly, it is because it's crazy how he's really threatening you. Yes. You have no way of getting out of this. So what are you going to do? You're going to send money.

Formatting and disk or destroying a device will not help either since your data is already on a remote server. Yeah, I get it. this is an APT hacking group don't be mad at me everyone has their own work why don't you try getting a job at a store I have empathy for him fish got to swim and birds got to fly

yeah so what do you do what are you going to do? I will monitor your every move I'll let you know when it's over I'm not going to just keep looking at my phone I thought you were checking text at this point let's hear it

this is an APT I will monitor your every move until I get paid if you keep your end of the agreement the agreement you won't hear from me ever again. Everything will be done fairly. One more thing.

Oh, God. Don't get caught in similar kinds of situations anymore in the future. My advice, keep changing all your passwords frequently. My advice. How kind. Is there like a stage direction of evil laugh? No, I added that. Oh, I took a liberty.

That was artistic license. You put an emoticon of the devil. I sent him the 6.8 Bitcoin and 1.2 more Bitcoin. just as like a little... Yeah, buffer to be like... Hey, come on. You're like, I'll probably do it again. So it's just kind of...

That's good. That's the only way to take care of this kind of stuff. I have yet to hear back from him. He forgot about it. Or from anyone in the hacking group. No, I think you're good. I think it's all good. Because he was basically, once he gets the money, he'll never do it.

You think so? Yeah, I think so. This was this morning. Yeah, no, you're good, Paul. He hasn't even had time to respond. Yeah, he's out there. He's working right now. This is the beginning of the work.

That's true. It isn't his job. You'll hear from him at 5 p.m. Yeah, he'll... C-O-B? Yeah. At E-O-D. Okay, we have to take a break.

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while also thinking about how we can find a better way because we all deserve better. Uncared for Season 3 from Lemonada Media. Available August 6th, wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We're back. You know, it's time in the show for a very special time. Lauren, be quiet.

Okay. You know, it's time in the show for a very special segment. Yeah. Lauren, take it away. This is called Lauren's Topics. Now I have a lot

that I want to say today, baby. Okay. Of course, there's a show called Love is Blind, season three. Yeah, if you've never heard, that's reality recap. If you've never heard Freedom before,

Lauren, quite frequently has a little segment called Lauren's topics. And it's pretty much, how would you describe it? It's really interesting. It's really good. I think one thing that happens a lot

is that I sort of conflate my other segment, reality recap, with Lauren's topics and I will then throw out some sort of reality information like I just did and then we correct you on that. That was good information that's 90% of the time. Yeah, there's a new season of love is blind and it's great. But excuse me.

You're excused. So I have a topic today and my topic is that I'm in this moment sharing my segment and calling it Lauren's topics colon. What are you fucking talking about? Scott's topic. Scott's version? The Scott edition. What time and one time only? One time, wait, one time, oh, thank God.

Hold on, there's a parenthetical, there's a parenthetical, but we'll see if maybe he ends up having something else he wants to share in which point we will assess the situation. Okay. Wait, so I get to, okay. I get to use Lauren's topics. Yeah, this is your time to kind of just share anything really interesting that you want to talk about.

Really interesting? It has to be one of the most interesting. Caveat, emptor. You can't just, you know, tell me, you know, about your morning. routine or something. I need to hear. Well, actually, I went to physical therapy this morning for my foot. Okay, that is interesting. I'm proud of it. Actually, I do want to hear about your morning

routines. Oh, okay. Well, you heard mine. Which is? What was it? I got scammed for my masturbation. So he masturbated five times. You do that every day. And they got scammed. I'm just going to keep sending him as kind of Bitcoin. Yeah, you better. I think you have. Just one ever. Yeah, every time you jerk off. Sometimes in advance. Like, I'm going to drug off later. Well, here you go.

And our previous. You see a sexy movie. You're going to see so I'm going to be excited by this. I'm going to watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith on cable. Remember when people went to movies just to be horny? Yeah, I do. A few names pop to mind. So wait. Let's talk about your topics because I know you and not related to that.

Tell me a topic. But not unrelated to that. Well, sure. I mean, I guess life happens. Boy, is that the truth, man. Gump happens. Gump happens. What?

Those were Forest Gump t-shirts that came out. Because does Gump mean shit? Well, yeah, that was in the movie. It's shit happens is what he said. But then they wanted to market it, so they made it say Gump happen. Did you ever see this movie? I missed that time of the Forest Gump. Yeah.

A bunch, yeah. I've seen it probably five times. What? Yeah. That is five times too many. That one I worked at the video store, I remember seeing Forrest Gump. That was like an epic movie. No, see you and I.

I think our age difference there, I, like, thought it was great. Yeah. You were stupid. Yeah. Yes. But I feel like a big difference in ages is... Tom Hanks, come on, freedom. A thing you like...

I do think if I were your age at the time, I would have made fun of it. Yes. Yeah. But I think a generational thing is like younger people... I feel like people younger than me, if they liked a thing once, they like it forever. Totally. You don't think that's generationally that's not true, you're saying? Or just...

I think... I'm saying I look back at the thing. things that I liked when I was a kid. And I can say, oh, that sucks. I remember that be good. I remember when I watched a Scooby-Doo episode and I was like, wait a minute, this show's terrible. The cheapest fucking thing.

Yeah. But I loved it. Of course. I loved it. I feel like we had so much fun being like, run, forest, run. You know, that is fun. And we would do that on the playground. Of course.

I just think. Someone would pretend to have braces and then run out of them. Yeah. What made him run? What made him run? Was it football or? taunted or something? Oh, people were chasing him?

I think he was being taunted to shreds and he had to run. You just taunted? You cannot run. He might have gotten his ass kicked. I don't remember. Do you remember the movie Mafia exclamation mark?

Which was a sort of Zucker Brothers type? Yeah. In fact, one of the editors on Mr. Show was editing a three-minute trailer to that four weeks. And ain't that a kick in the head by Dean Martin kept playing over and over. and over and over next door to my office.

Oh, my God, that was a terrible time. Here's what I remember, and I associate this with Forrest Gump, because it was a parody of a Forrest Gump scene, of that scene, where I guess when he, Jay Moore's character is a little kid, he's a florist. He works at a flower shop. And so he's running, and there's a little girl that yells, run florist,

But she says it just like that. It's like, don't worry. Look, we can't have people missing this. Yeah. That's so brutal. Really, really, really enunciated. Yeah. You know what it is?

It's not funny. What? What? What? What? Here's what's up, though. We need to be talking about Scott. Scott, this is a real misuse of Scott's topic.

Is this the topic? Is the J. Moore movie mafia? I think you're using it for that. Yeah. I think you're just. Do you think he just wasted his topic on that? What's going on? Scott?

Do you think he just wasted this? I think he did. Is Jamor in Mafia? I got to look this. Yeah, he is. He is. Okay. He's the titular mafia.

So Mafia is a parody film of like Goodfellas and all this stuff, the godfather. But then, of course, they would throw in any fucking gag they could because they had to fill. Someone was like Flores for us. Yeah. We should write one of these movies. That sounds easy and thought. Maybe we already did. We should check our dust drawers and see if there's anything in there.

I did write a draft a scary movie three. who didn't after the fact you're like after the fact after the fact you don't blame it all on me

can I say I was wrong yeah so let's see I can't you know how you have so there's one of

you know we all have these these catchphrases that we bring back or some references over and over now there's one of yours that I've never gotten but I've always

it's not girls on film because everyone gets it No, I get that. But I've always accepted it as one day I'm really going to understand this. I bet I know what it is. So this is kind of like you settling scores. Okay. Which one is it?

Oh, wait. You want to guess? Yes. Okay. From a deli owner, that's a rave. No. But how does that go? Oh, it's true.

No, it's not a song. Lauren's talking about song things. Are you talking about song things? Oh, okay. You hear the syllables. Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. So do you, can you think of one that maybe I might be thinking of him?

Oh, my God. It's too hard. You have girls on film. You have baby come back. Well, that's brand new. You have Ghostbusters. You have it, though. We all have Ghostbusters.

We all have a lot of these. I learned I had Ghostbusters the other day from the doctor. Oh, in your gallbladder. Yeah, it was terrible. I have Ghostbusters of the gallbladder. G.B.G.G.B. Um, it's I know I know it's serious. G.

I know I know it's serious. From girlfriend in a coma by this. Yes. Now, I like the Smiths, but I actually didn't know that song. And it came into my Spotify. rotation. And then I was like, oh, I love this. And then I was like, what? And I finally was like, okay. And now I'm like, I need to know what would set that off. So I have to kind of like, Dada, Dada, Dada. I know, but I'm like one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. If anything in

that rhythm that falls in that rhythm. And it's very, it's a very specific thing. Because I'm like, I can't think of anything, you know. It's not necessarily a number of syllables, although it has to be that number of syllables. You hear it and you know. It has to be the emphasis of like the way you read a collection of words, if it scans. Yes. That, that, that, da, da, da, da. I can't wait for it to happen. That's, I know, because you could take over the I know part.

If it's just da, da, da, da, da, da, da, you would go, I know. That's true. You know what, Scott, you're right. I can't wait to hear one because. I can't wait to hear one. I know. I know. I know it's serious.

Right there. Oh, my God. I just did it. Okay, that's amazing. Well, I guess. Okay. So we have wasted Scott's topic. I think it's closed.

Ah, it's too bad. We do have to take a break. We don't have to take a break right now, just mentally and then come back and go, we should take a break. Let's take a mental break. Yeah, let's take a mental break. Or have mental break. Previously on Threatom.

Previously on Freedom. So, Scott, I hear that you have a topic you're going to want to introduce when we Scott Ockerman. Yeah, when we come back for a new season, And I want to have, can I use Lawrence topics to talk about something? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I'm going to see if the topics are full and what's going on.

Because I kind of, I have a running list of all the topics. And whether it's full or not? Yeah, so it kind of hits a level. So anyway, yeah, we'll check in it. Okay, in the next season. Yeah. And we're not going to forget about it, right? I won't forget about something stupid like the J. Moore movie Mafia or anything like that.

Why would we ever talk about that? Okay, great. You promise Pinky swear, guys. I'll Pinky swear. I've never even heard of that. I promised Pinky. Thank you, Pinky. You're welcome.

Okay, see you next season. Bidludu, Bidlittlidoo. Amazing. So that is what happened. So I guess I did say you could do it. And the topics are not full? It's not full.

And the mafia thing did happen. That was so weird. I feel like people. Yeah, that was weird that we were able to months ago talk about it. I think the flashback was important because. Flashback was important. I know. What did Wayne's world get away with just like there was a Bill and Ted already?

It's not the same It's very close Let's see the difference I'm not talking about that specific thing I'm talking about the whole The characters Oh yeah You know

You know what They're really different Well they're based on the archetypes That you see in the road movies One has blonde hair Yes that's what I'm talking about That's pretty much where the samenesses end Yeah

Okay Those aren't even samenesses One has black hair And one has blonde hair But they have a mirroring Oreo situation. They definitely have an Oreo situation.

Because Oreos are, you know, one color on one side and one color on the other side. The one half of the Oriole. One dark mirror of the other. It really is those like generic cookies that are like chocolate on one side of down the other. Hydrox. So good.

Yeah. I love garbage supermarket cookies. Oh my God. I love the 365 mismatched. Fuck yeah. What are those? That's what I'm talking about. But it's like basically the store brand version of chocolate

on one side of another vanilla cream in the middle. But it's got much bad. Okay, people are going to be mad because... Don't say cream in the middle. I get scambing it. Greetings. Greetings. I heard you think about cream in the middle?

Greetings. You listen to that print song? So people have been waiting with bated breath for, I don't know how many weeks we've been off the air, but so they need to know what is your topic? Yeah. All right. Well, okay. And it's surprising to me that people still haven't picked up on this or figured this

out yeah. Sure. If you're not on social media though. That's true. All right. So the one I guess the one topic that I want to talk about is that Jane Moore movie mafia. Have we talked about that? God. I was hoping it would be this. And so people on social media will have seen on your page that you do talk about this. All right. I had a baby. It's a boy. It's not but I had a baby. It's a a reference I like to make to a 100 collect commercial. Oh, who was in my? I don't know, but it was They called, we had a baby, it's a boy. Oh, they had the baby. Oh, because it was so quick.

You have a click call from, we had a baby, it's a boy. But you had a baby, it's a girl. Do you remember that? I tried to call Phoenix, but I called Fiji. It's like that that could not happen. Siri, call Fiji. Somebody picks up the phone and says, Akamana Fiside.

That's so great. Akamana Fiside? You know. I think that's what they say. Akamana Fiside. Yeah. They're like at some resort. Oh, Akamano Vizai.

This woman is trying to call miserable old. Phoenix, Arizona. And she gets this beautiful resort. And she's upset? Well, because of course it's a huge expense. I guess, but like, maybe they'll give her a free trip or something. And it's so exciting. She's so beautiful.

Oh, thank you. And did you share her name online or you're not sharing? Yes, Emerald. Oh, it's such a beautiful name. And, uh, yeah, the we, I mean, you know, I think, I think in a previous season we talked about that operation where they drained my balls. I recall, I think I accidentally made fun of you. Believe me, it cost me some Bitcoin.

So you go home, open your computer, say what is inspiring. I was listening back to the episode. Listening to the episode and you had to pay, just because I said balls? He has it on tape. He's recorded it. He recorded me listening to it. That's really a lot. Balls getting drained.

Okay, so He doesn't just get turned out by the idea of balls They gotta be drained or have some cream The word of drain Like the idea of draining balls Is so funny It would make a noise I want them to be shriveled up

A noise at the very end of Ew Mest it was It's all made it thine You're doing the Janet Jackson With your You have huge shoulder pads I just noticed

I wore shoulder pads the other night to be Lisa Rina for Halloween and I felt amazing. Yeah. Anyway, go on. Okay, so Kulap and I, we, she's talked about this on Ed DeCard if you want to get the long version. There is a long, nice explanation of backstory

and current story and over the last 10 years. Middle story, is that a thing? 10 years ago, 10 years ago next month was the first time that we were pregnant. Wow, 10 years ago. 10 years ago, this very next month. Well, that is wild. It's been 10 years.

10 years, yeah. Amazing that it's. What a journey. So it's been a long, been a long, been a long time. Lonely, lonely, lonely, lowly time. Yeah. But, and we went through a lot of like IVF stuff. We went through.

America's funny. Oh, no, sorry. Yeah. We watched a lot of that. Just to get in the mood. Yeah. But getting giggly makes you really want to. Went through a lot of it and giggly with it.

Get in giggly with it. Wait, getting giggly with it. Ha, man, ha, ha, ha. Oh, my God. Call Al. This is good shit. Wait, make the movie again. Um, Al.

Okay. You need to add in giggly with it. Make the movie again. Long story short, we had a lot of ups and downs where we had quite a few pregnancies that did not work out. Uh, we had to switch doctors and the doctor, our new doctor said that our old doctor performed a procedure. that they should not have done and it ruined our chances. Yeah.

I hate those. Yes. Anyway, gang. So we did, anyway, gang. We did another round of IVF. And, you know, the older you get,

the more diminishing returns there are, you know, like, because when we first started years and years ago, we would get 20, 50, 100. No, we would get a lot of eggs. A lot of eggs.

And they were wasting them. They were putting in like two at a time and three at a time and going like, oh, that didn't work. well, let's try. You have a lot of eggs. Right.

So by the end of this whole thing, when we finally went to the new doctor, we were, Coolup went through two rounds of IVF. It is no. I did that as well, and it is not easy. To a point where she was crying one day going, I don't know what's wrong with me. And I was calling the doctors and they're saying it's the, it's the hormones. And she's like, can I stop? And they're like, you can't unless you'll just have to start over.

So she's just going through major depression. Anyway, so we. hard. So I drained my balls. Am I going through you? You're just depressed, Paul. It's not the same. Let me stick you with this.

Can I start injecting with this? All right. This is going to cost me Bitcoin. The Bitcoins are adding. I'm going to start sending Bitcoin. We're doing so many shots, shots, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shots. Trigger shots. I'm just kidding.

Look, if you've gone through it, you know just how brutal it can be. Absolutely. Anyway, so at the end of like several more. rounds and me doing this operate. We both, she did a retrieval and I did this operation at the same time. We were in two separate rooms. She famously heard

them say, that's right. She famously heard them say, get the smelling salts because I was about to pass out. Get the smelling salts. I want to say that. And I was like, oh, now. Get the smelling salts. Yeah, because this is so boring. It's not boring at all. Anyway, so we finally were able to get

one. It's a little boring. We were just able to get one. No, this is where it gets interesting. Well, good They were able to get one Egg Egg thingy Well you made an embryo An embryo yes

And we and out of all the ones They test like maybe we had two And they tested and three were bad But we had one viable one Now they want you to have two Because it cannot work out But Kulap did not want to go through the IVF again Because I feel like she did it 10 to 15

It wreaks havoc on the bod Yes. So she's like, please, I don't want to do this again. So then we, our doctor said, okay, you need to do this via surrogate because of what happened, you are, you cannot have a baby, Gulop. So we then went through the process of getting a surrogate. And that was, and this was right. This was in 2020, no, 20, 2020, 2020. He can't stop saying 20. So 2021 because the vaccine had just come out. Uh-huh. So we had to zoom with all these surrogates and we actually got a surrogate who was like part of the deal was you have to get the COVID vaccine before we do this because we only have one. We don't want, you know, something happening. So we got one who was like, yeah, yeah, I'll get the COVID vaccine. And then for the next two months.

If they say it like that, that's a red flag. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I'll get the COVID vaccine short. How do you say that? COVID. I say COVID. So for the next two months while we were, you know, like settling everything and she was going through the doctor's stuff that we were paying for and all that kind of stuff. She kept like everyone's small going, what if I didn't get the COVID vaccine?

We were like, oh, no, you have to get the COVID vaccine. It's a rule. Yeah. And then finally, right as we were signing it, she's like, look, I'm going to be honest, I ain't getting this COVID vaccine. But you know what? That was such a blessing. because it worked out the way it was supposed to. It was great because whatever, that seemed like a bad situation.

And then we quite quickly got the woman who turned out to be our surrogate who was amazing. Yeah. And so. She gets COVID vaccine every morning. You ended up with somebody where you didn't have to wonder, you know, she was a communicative person. She was great. We really, really like her and her husband. And so this was her sixth baby, her third surrogacy.

Wow. It's so amazing. It's such an amazing thing to do. Yeah. And she, uh, it was really good. I mean, we, you know, uh, we got off tour, Paul and I got off tour. And, uh, I thought I had one month until because she said I'm giving birth on October 1st, probably, because I have in every other pregnancy. And that's kind of my fault because I kept reiterating that to Scott.

Yeah. That I was like, you have one month. Yeah. Um, yeah. I don't mean that she would give birth on October 1st. I meant that that. that many weeks and that many days. So she was like October 1st is the target date.

So we did that tour and I was kind of like, oh, okay, a month leeway, that'll be good. Literally the plane landed when we got back and the surrogate texted and said, my mucus plug just dropped, which I said, disgusting. Yeah, I hope so. And I sent her a thumbs down to TMI. Yuck, don't you want to deal with that? By the way, I've never heard that before in my life. My mucus plug just dropped. Well, why would you?

Yeah. What situation would you be involved? You hear that you would have heard that. You know what's interesting? On a first date? I'm doing something where I'm doing something I can't talk about, but it's mentioned. And it's like, I wonder if it's maybe, or will it be that thing of like, what's that thing where the Mandela effect or something? Oh, yeah.

Bear and Shane Bears. What's that? Mandela effect. That's the, that's the one of the prime examples of the Mandela effect. You think it is something, but it's not something and it never was. Yes. I think I'm thinking the wrong thing. There's a, what's the word for when you hear something and then you start saying it everywhere.

And it's like, oh, right. I forget what that's called, but I know what you mean. Yeah. But anyway, maybe you're, now that you've heard it, now you'll see it. Now you'll see everyone talking about it. That's weird. Okay, wait, but. So that happened on.

And that can mean. That happened on September 1st. That can mean it's coming very soon. It's coming very, very soon. Or it can mean not. It can mean not. What does it also mean? So basically there's a chunk of mucus.

It's a plug. It's like basically like it's, once it's released. You know how you stop up your toilet with your big nasty shit. Yes, go on. Okay. It's protected. I'm going to describe it wrong. Say those go down and you finally unplug your toilet.

Even if you describe it wrong. Can I hear yours instead? So mine's like, okay, if you take a big shit in the toilet and it goes in. Oh, no. I'm going to just look up the definition so we can just tell everyone. I thought you were going to fucking show me a picture of a mucus plug, which I did not want to see. The mucus plug is a thick piece of mucus that blocks the opening of your cervix during pregnancy. That is what I thought it was. It forms a seal

to prevent bacteria and infection from getting into your uterus and reaching your baby. Think of it as a barrier between your vagina and your uterus where your baby is. If I must. Yeah. So when I've heard my water has broken. Yes, that's a different thing. So the that is, that says it's kind of, that's like

My water never broke. Your water never broke. I'm so sorry. I still have it. Oh no. Yeah, I kept it. You're drinking it right now. So good. That's a lot of nutrients. So wait, when they say it What does that mean it drops? It comes out.

It comes out in the turrets in your underwear or toilet. No, no, no, no. Or if you're just making it around the house, your couch. But I'm sorry, women are very used to, like, various things coming out of the vagina. Don't I know it. And various things going in. Sure. Penny's.

So it's not that big of a deal at that point. Yeah. So it's, it's, it's she. You know. We, we. Men don't have to deal with this shit. I got home and learned this news. You're like, shit comes out of other things.

Okay, whatever. Got home and learned this news. And. And then it became a race of like, I was like, oh, I have a month to, like, record two months' worth of podcast. Which is, by the way, a lot. You have a lot of podcasts. So it became a race to, like, record everything. So we would like-

It was you versus that mucus plug. Yeah. Mewksug is gone. Sean and I would do several. Yeah, head-start. Several scary movies a day. Right. Anyway, so, so then it took another, like, basically two weeks later, two weeks later, she said,

we're three centimeters, I'm three centimeters. And she lives in Riverside, by the way, which Riverside is close, but if there's traffic, it's a two, it's just far enough where it's like a two hour, if there's really bad traffic, maybe a little bit longer, which would suck if like, it's like, hey, my water just broke, and then we miss the whole thing, right? Yeah, they're insane. So, so we were like, three centimeters, we could probably, like, we were, we were going to go in a week. Yeah.

And then Koolop's friend calls and goes, Koolop, you are going. tonight. Three centimeters becomes five centimeters becomes ten centimeters. You need to be there tonight. I have to say, I think Kulap's friend group is so fascinating because what I love about them

and I've really been like, I listen to the deep dive, listen to bitch. I feel like I have a lot a good sense and I listen to ad the cards. I have a good sense of like the friend group. And then being at the baby shower was another thing too witnessed it a little bit more, even though I know all these women and they're also funny. The way they communicate is so strong with each other.

I love it. Like, I love it. I think it's like so, I just, like, think I just love that kind of energy that they just are like, you have to go now. Yeah. No one really talks to me like that. And I wouldn't mind if they did. Yeah.

I would like to talk to. I'll start to it. You need to go now. Yeah. But I just like how they're, like, they'll be like, your hair was fucked up. And then like, oh, okay. And it's like, you need to fix it. Like, it's like, there's this way of like just like this honesty.

But it's like, with your best interest. Yeah. Yes. Yes. It's like, it's like you need to work a little harder on. Yeah, like Jessica and June will have the funniest conversations, like, I told you can't wear that color. Right. Like, it does not look good on you.

And it's like, oh, my God, I just love it. Yeah. So, it sounds pretty rude. So Klobsb's friend. They love each other. I know, I know. So Klof's friend said we had to go. So we were like, oh, okay.

So we got everything together. By the way, I had a go bag like at the ready ever since I got home. So it had what? Your porn collection, your comic book. My, my Bitcoin. All my bubblelets. My funco pops. I mean.

My phone. I got to line my Funko pops up for Emerald to see. I wanted to be the first thing that she sees on Earth. But I had a go bag and it had, it had like three days worth of stuff. And I was like, okay, I'll put maybe like two more days worth in there. Yeah. Because it's happening, I guess. Right.

Yeah. And you don't know how long you'll have to stay. Yeah. So, oh, no, but I had assumed it was a shorter time. No, that's what I mean. I mean, like it might be a couple more days than your thing. Yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, it might be five days or something like that.

We got to the hotel in Riverside. and it was two weeks that we were in Riverside. And we were... We had a good hotel? It was fine. It was good. I mean, it was nice. Like, we got to know everyone there.

We got our waitress in the mornings for breakfast because we got a free breakfast every morning was like... Got to take advantage of that. You're still here? Where is this place? Yeah. I got to go. I know.

We have to pay for the room. Breakfast time. That's where they get you. So every day we would go down to the front desk and go, can we extend by one night? And they'd be like, okay. Did you explain? No.

Never explained, although at one point, and then in another point, because our surrogate was also 45 minutes away from the hospital. And so then in a certain point, she goes to see her doctor and the doctor's like, looks at her and goes, and by the way, she's still three, she remains at three the entire two weeks. The doctor looks at her and goes like, wow, the head is like really close. That's so insane. Yeah, well, I mean, and the doctor goes, this is why people have babies on the freeway. All right, see you next time. And we were like... Good, good, good, good, go?

We were like, she has 45 minutes to get to the hospital. We're like, she has 45 minutes to get at the hospital. Come to the hotel with us, because the hotel's by the hospital. Uh-huh. So we then get her and her family to go to the hospital. To the hotel. Which is here at the hospital. Which is also a hospital.

That's where I said it. But so they're seeing us with this pregnant woman. I think maybe that's... Your hair's fucked up. Thank you. And you need to go. Thank you. It's like, Jesus Christ.

You know what it is? It's like, it's the kind of thing like I was at a party like a couple weeks ago. And in every picture, my bangs are like doing the weirdest. I'm like, can one person have fucking gone? Take you aside. Because there was wind and rain. Fixed the hair. No, take you aside and say you need to leave the party.

It was inside, but then we were outside and then my hair got fucked up. But I was like one person. If I was in that friend group, they would have fucking. can fix that. Yeah. And they would have looked at the camera and the picture and gone, oh, no, Lauren's hair's messed up. Let's fix that.

Delete. And then we can have a good picture. That's right. Yeah. That's right. Your friends are bad. That's what I'm saying. They think I'm too chill.

I want a little more. Yeah. You want. Maybe they're afraid of you. No, they're not. Are you sure? No. You're a little scary.

No, I'm fucking not. We have only been doing the show because you've frightened us into it. Yes. You're wearing gloves with spikes on them. Anyway, so two weeks, two weeks later, we're just going day by day, day by day. And her family's in the house. Oh, dear, her family is in the hotel. No, I said it.

She calls us in the morning, literally the two weeks on the two weeks after we got to this hotel. And she says, on the fortnight. I feel like, I feel like it's happening tonight. Or it's, I feel like it's going to happen today. I just had a restless night. I just had a restless night. Had a restless night. What is that?

I feel like chicken tonight. Yeah. Oh, okay. Chicken night. Yeah. Yeah, great commercial. Great commercial. Really good.

Everyone danced around. So we say, okay, let's go to the hospital. Great. It's happening. We go to the hospital. She gets checked out and they say, you're three and a half centimeters. They won't do anything until five, right? They're like, look.

Size queens. They go, look, we'll set. I mean, we can maybe induce you in a couple of weeks because this is her due date, this day. This is the due date. But they don't want to induce until like maybe 41 or 40. you know, 41 and a half, 42 weeks. I was 41 and a couple days when... Happy birthday.

And Holly came. Oh, you're talking about it. Like, Holly came into the world. Yes, I had to wait a full extra like eight days. Right. So they won't do anything. And everyone's kind of freaking out because we're like, we don't want to be in Riverside for another two weeks,

but we feel like we can't go home. By the way, I have only had five days worth of clothes. So we have been going to Target every other day and buying clothes. That's actually kind of fun. So we know every target in Riverside. A little laundromat Oh, you wouldn't go to the same one twice Like, no

They're back Like, why do they keep buying clothes every day? Why do they keep buying Marvel sweatshirts? You know, you can buy clothes a lot at a time Yeah You don't have to keep buying one outfit every day Yeah

So, so the doctor leaves the room And goes, yeah, we'll figure this out Let me go take care of the paperwork We'll be right back We're not allowed in So we're outside like getting all this information On the phone Makes me sick

The doctor comes back An hour later checks her and goes, oh, you're five now. Yeah. Okay, we'll stay and we'll, like, do it today and we'll break your water if we have to. We will get you to the highway and you can have this baby. Wow. So.

So, you know, there's other stuff I'll save for another episode, but, uh, but, uh, gross stuff. Really exciting. Yeah. I can't wait to hear the rest, honestly, but we can save it. We do have to take a break. We do. So we're going to be right back and we're going to play three trips. I love it.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm Hussein Minhage and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussein Mn Mnhazh doesn't know, to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy?

Parenting expert, Dr. Becky. How do you skip consequences without raising a psychopath? It's a good question. Listen to Hassam Minaj doesn't know from Lemonada Media, wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Can't it be Cuberts? We're here with Cuberts. We're here with Cuber.

Cuberd, how are you doing today? Really? And then what happened? Well, what did you say? And what did they say? And then you got up off the floor? And then you ran for Congress. Oh, no, they stole the election.

And then you were January 6th? What if Cuber was in there? Where did he was there? Oh, yeah, Cuberts should be the mascot of Q&O. That would be so cute. Cute. Cues everywhere. Sometimes, you know, when you think of something.

This is the official podcast of Q&O, by the way. We just decided. Hubert QAnon, just to see if anyone's come up with this. By the way, Paul, you're a baseball fan. You've been, the World Series ended a couple of weeks ago. Yes. And I'm very sorry. Or you're very happy.

Okay. For me. When you see something that's like the official credit bank financers of the major league baseball, why do they need one of these? The best is, there's an official CBD of individual teams. I got some email's like, we're proud to say this. the official CBD of the Dodgers. I'm like, okay.

Congrats, everyone. Stephanie was telling me that on certain days, when you bring kids to the baseball game, they can run around the field. Oh, yeah, we've done that. It's the best. Yeah, I pretend to be a kid. Do you have a lick a big lollipop?

Yeah, you have turned your hat sideways. Everyone arrests you at the end. Nora Nephew, uh, Nora Nephew, the last couple of years. I think we've spoken about it. It's so, it's so, it's so cute. It's a huge line around the stadium and it gets people, And it gets people depressed of like, oh, I don't want to wait.

I don't want to wait. But these kids are going like 20 at a time around the bases. And so it's really fast. And it's fun. Unlike many lines you've been in. Yeah, it's fun to do. This ain't your granddaddy's line. This is a line for like a Disneyland ride that has 500 seats.

Yeah. Why don't they do that on Disneyland? It's like get everyone into every ride. Just do it. It's like everyone comes into Disneyland. Every ride should be the cart or whatever you get into. Is the length of the entire ride. It should be 20 people across and 1,000 people back.

And then every single person comes into the park at the same time and they go and the person goes, okay, go into this ride. Everyone takes that ride. Then they go, okay, go into this ride. Almost. They all go over. Ammos. Almost. Okay, we have to play a three-chair.

We have to. We have to. Tractually obligated. Look, a lot of people don't like the three-chers, and guess what? We don't either. But we have to do it. Our new producer, Matt makes us, by the way. Matt is literally, he's pounding his fist into his hands.

He's doing the old. It's really threatening. I mean, there must have been a time when somebody did that for real, right? And it was actually threatening. It was, can you imagine? Because it was probably a kid, right? If a scary man was looking at me in a dark alley and started doing that, I'd be scared. You laugh at first.

Yes, be good. Oh, are you serious? Oh, are you out of your mom? And then I know, oh, you're going to mash my head. It originated with little kids, right? Yeah. Like the little rascals, it seems like. I say, yeah, like I know with your origins.

If you were in fucking school and then a bully was doing that at you, you'd be fucking terrified. Well, because it crossed the way and it's going to after school for. Yeah. Looking at you dead-eyed. I think this. The thread of pain. Gonna connect. Yeah.

This is why you teach. I'm going to punch you with the sand and I'm going to, I'm going to like put my, this behind your head. Yeah. To cradle it. This is why Lauren. We need to teach our children, and I'm glad we're relating on this show, find that the way that. Yeah. But we need to teach them not to be afraid of pain.

So they should experience every type of pain and see that it's not that big of a deal. It would be. Oh, guys draw one thing related to your topic. Yeah. Just before we go. There's this book called The Art of Waiting. I just wanted to recommend that book. If anyone was.

Like Restaurant Roundup? No, it's about like trying to have a baby. But if anyone out there would like to read that book if you want to, if you're interested. It's about waiting for a baby or wait. Any of this, yes. You know, yeah, if I think that connected with you, resonate with you. Resonet.

Thank you. I thought that book was really great. Okay. The Art of Waiting. Mm-hmm. What about Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance? I read it when I was 18. I read it too.

And you were like, retained nothing. I remember the dude like rode around on a motorcycle. Yeah. That's about it. And his dad taught him how to fix it or something. Oh, really? Yeah. I remember that.

I remember it was supposed to be like you were supposed to get something out of it. Well, I remember not reading it, but also realizing That's when I realized I didn't know how to spell maintenance And I really learned it Maintenance I remember a script I wrote that I spelled restaurant rest and then rant Or maybe restaurant restaurant or something like that restaurant I worked at many restaurants Restaurant I was 19 or something like that And someone made fun of me for how I spelled it

It was how I learned how to spell restaurant to this day Rest all rant It's fun of is one of the best ways to learn something Yeah your hair looks shitty I actually went to dry bar yesterday, so I have confidence that it's not horrible today. But a lot of times it does look like shit. You should go to wet bar because it looks like shit. What if you taught your children to act like they loved pain?

Like if a bully was to punch them. Like they were like a dominatrix or something. Yeah, where it's like they get sexually gratified by it. But it's like they're fucking, they're demented. Like if a bully. Like give me another one. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I love it. Honestly, that's a bully's worst nightmare. Teach your child to be like a fucking cycle. I love it. Well, that's for kindergarten, for kindergarten. Hit me again, blood running. Give me your psycho face. Give me your psycho face. You're a fucking monster.

You're a fucking insane person. No one will fuck with you. Yeah. That's what you're going to teach her. Yeah. Yeah. Are Holly and Emerald going to be friends? Do you think?

I think so because I think Emerald got a card from Holly. She did. I don't know if you knew that. Holly? I did know because she needed stamps. Dot com? Yeah, Holly sent Emerald to Halloween card. That would be wild.

If Holly walked up to you with a sealed envelope and said, Do we have stamps? It's like waving it around. You have the address and everything else figured out. I just don't have to stamp. All that's on the internet. Yeah. It's true.

But she was so happy for Emerald to have her first Halloween. Yes. She was a little flower. So cute. So cute. Holly was a butterfly. And then for her second outing, she was a Harry Potter character that we had this costume my mom had sent.

It was really cute. Which character? Hermione with a tool skirt, basically. Tools? What's a tool skirt? You know, like a balleria. But it's... Tool build?

What? Like a ballerina. Oh, oh. Oh, is that what that's a word? T-U-L-L-E. Oh. T-U-L-L-E. Tool.

Yeah. All right. Like a band. Yeah. I love tool. What if they spelled a T-U-L-E? They should. That would be sweet.

It would be a little I-R-R-Brand. Yeah. Let me check in with Maynard about that. What if they did softer versions of their existing songs? That's what they should waste their time doing. Cool up. That was her idea for the sloppy boys is that they, because we've been listening to the Rockabai Baby where it's like lollaby versions of Radiohead or Prince or David Bowie.

Oh, I need to get into that. Oh, yeah, they're all on Spotify. See, I don't know anything about it. I just listen to whatever I want, but I think this is good. She's like, the sloppy boys should put out an album where they do lollaby versions of their songs. What's it called? Rockabai Baby. Get it?

Rockabai Baby. Get it? Kulef says they're good because instead of just like listening to you know, the ABC song or whatever It's songs she likes and will sing along with. Well, that's what I really want because I'm... Okay, this is great.

I'm going to add this to my... Shoot that poison arrow through my heart. All right, let's play this three-cher. Hip, hip, hooray! I love that so much. It's so good. Yippee-I-u-I-Y! Yay! So, one of the best vocal adeline

I've ever heard. And then to have so weird. The balls. What is it? To keep it in. Yeah. Yeah.

And not be like, should I keep this in? The look of love, right? The look of love. Yeah, part one. Every live show he's doing that. Yeah, I saw him live and, by the way, I saw him live. He doesn't regret it.

E. I. I see him live and he was wearing a dinner jacket, right? And then the. Covered with dinner. The encore comes on. Slattered with spaghetti. He does look of love for the encore.

He leaves the stage. changes into a gold LaMay dinner jacket and comes out and does the look of love and does yippy eye, yippy I. I like when people do what we want. The idea of hip, hip, hooray at the end of that song and then he's like, all right, if I did that,

I might as well do this. Let's escalate it. It does feel like something you would just do when you're goofing around at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so good. Hip, hooray. It's so funny.

Is it a mistake that the editor left in? Don't you feel like sometimes you do things that are like really funny like that, but it's like not funny at all to you because you're just alone. But then you kind of go, wait, that was really weird.

I don't think they left in it. I think it was like he did it. I think he instantly was like, but leave that. This is really great. It's really making me laugh. He's like, that's fucking hilarious.

I want to do that for five million years. I'm going to do this every song. If he did every song like DJ Kelly going, another one. Another one. Then we would hate it. Yeah. But, okay.

No, it would be better. Oh, it would be better. Okay, I was willing to go either way on this. Time's a wasted. Okay. Take her in the fat boys.

Um, this is submitted by Rosalie M. Hello, Rosalie. Hi, Rosalie. Hello. She submitted a few, but we're going to play Noah's Ark. Mythical Creature Edition. All right. Lauren's going to play Noah once a Cuban.

If you can believe it. And, um... Bringing that glass ceiling. You're the... Women can do male characters. You heard it here first. And only. Yeah.

No one else will ever say it. Okay, you're like a bouncer on the arc and you're letting animals in. Okay. That was like a bounce house for a second. I thought it was a bouncer. Bouncing on my arc. Okay. It seems to me that you live your life.

Seems to me. So we're the multiple layered. We're the last two to arrive. I don't know if it was layered. Happening at the same time. Yeah. We're the last two. simultaneous.

We're the last two two to arrive. And you only have one spot. Cibolus. And you can only give it to one of us. And by the way, Cibol and I have to be mythical creatures. Yeah. Not of the same type.

Sorry. I was the mess and all that I've never understood. Syllibis. When Tom Hanks is like, Sibilins. He's doing the mic test. Yeah. Yeah, because you need to hear those.

But do you say that, does anyone say that word or that was like. Yeah. Because it's like the certain, like you need to hear if this sound is being. And I just was like, yeah, because I said it eight million to fucking times. And for some reason.

That stuck with me. One of the most popular catchphrases from SNL. That's not one of the most popular. People saying siblings, yes, it is. That's not one of the most popular catchphrases of S&L. That wouldn't be in the top 20. That wouldn't be. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger of SNL that year of that sketch.

Of that sketch. I actually say other phrases from that sketch, including actually don't remember what happens next. I have no idea. He runs around and tests the mics. I don't know what happens next. Then Aerosmiths. plays, right? Oh, that's right. I don't know. I'm telling you, I don't. It was a big deal.

Janie's got a gun. And Janie was like, no, I don't. That's a good Janie. I'm not like that at all. No, I don't, y'all. Well, I sort of decided to make it an impression as I was talking. I would do it better if I really focus. Just try again. No, don't. I don't want to hear this. She has a great accent. Let's do Paul. Oh. Was that him earning his Bitcoin? Oh, my Bitcoin.

I've heard the accepted impression of me. It's very strange when you hear that. The accepted impression. You know, I'm be curious to hear that. Yeah. Everybody who does it sounds the same. And I'm like, I guess that's what I sound. Well, it's only when you're yelling though.

That's a thing. You have a hard voice. They seize on a specific thing. Yeah, yeah. From your standard, too. Fucking do it. Yeah. I think it might be what you're doing right now.

I don't like this friend group. I know. I love this friend group. I meant I was starting to understand how. an impression could be done. Yeah. Sometimes I think there is no impression there and because you're like, that's just how he is. And then you're like, oh, if I really was an impressionist, I guess I'd really focus up and take

something and pull it and extrapolate and go from there. Okay. Okay. There's only one spot we have to convince you that we're the ones otherwise we're going to And I'm Noah and I'm really hurt for. And you know what? I'm going to say, why don't you assign to us what creatures we are. Okay.

By greeting us. Oh, okay. All right. opening the arc door oh I don't know that I want to go on I thought you're not no I thought no would be answering the door no I'll get it I'll get him I thought no it would be a bad you'll get it I'll get him so wait

is it the arc bouncer can I write Noah's coming can I write down just quickly your names and some information I see obviously I'm what you are so you're flup you are a manatee with an extra long penis and five legs and a narwhalian horn

and your name Gypsum. Gypsum. I see that you're an eel and you were sort of an eel what's it called centaur combo. Yes. So it's like a horse. So a combination of a centaur which is a combination already of a horse that's a man. A horse's body. That's right. A man's torso and an eel's head. That's right. It's a mess. All right. I'll get Noah.

Thanks. Just chill out here. What's your name? Are we going to, I mean, I'll see you on the ark. My name's Amber Tamlin. Amber Tamblin? No relation. To who? Anyone. I'm literally just, I just, I just, in a void, I'm a fairy.

I'll be right back. I'll be right back. Actually, I won't be back. No, I will be here. Oh, okay. So you won't see me again. It's going to anyone you want to say me now. Tell me.

Okay, Amber Tamplin. There's a lot of info for someone. I'm not going to see again. Let me, let me, can I ask you, What if I made it worth your wild, put in a good word for me with... How many Bitcoin? Six point eight. Oh, by the way, I saw you masturbate the other day.

Do you have any Bitcoin? I saw you masturbate two. Oh, shit. Let's trade Bitcoin. Why were we masturbating next to each other? This is inappropriate. And looking at each other while we did it. Oh, lo!

Noah! We're a team. Oh, hey, Noah. Two by two is what I typically do, but I only have room for one. Oh, weird. You did not plan this. flaw in the arc? It's a flaw in the arc.

It's not exactly a flaw in the ark. It's a little extra annex I have. I built in sort of as a window seat that I realize should be used by a animal of some sort. Okay. Well, that's cool. So you're giving up your window seat for one of us. We won't be able to use you to continue population unless we blend you with someone else or we. Well, I have this extra long penis.

I do see that. Yeah. So I'll be able to repopulate any kind of species. But you're a manateeaties. Just because of the length? You think that means that you can meet with anything and... No, I think that people will want to meet with me because they'll take a look at that and be like, oh, wow, that looks really good.

That's what I'm hoping. Do you want to fuck a man, a person? Sure. If you're into it, we can seal the deal right now. I can't get into this again. Do you have a wife, Noah? I do. No-et. She's cleaning right now.

There's always a lot of shit all over this boat. She's cleaning? Yeah. So typical gender stereotypes. Yep. The typical gender stereotype is that I have lots of animals that I propagate together on my boat and my wife cleans the shit that they excrete. I mean, you built the ark, so your work is done.

Well, that's what I like to say. But when we get in bed at the end of the day, it's all equal because I give her the old what have you. Well, if you'd like me to give her this. Well, okay, I'll take that in consideration. Nothing against my learned colleague here. But if you're looking to blend, take a look at me. I'm three things. Okay, so I'm looking at the top.

Now, I feel like you got the worst one on top. It is an eel's head. Here's what I like about it. And I'll tell you what. Okay. It's the lightest of all the possible heads that I could have had. Okay. So I'm not carrying a lot of weight up there.

It's not even proportional to your body. No, it's not like a gigantic eel head. It's like a regular eel head. Yeah. On top of a human. Top of a human neck. Yeah. And it's like tapered off.

And then you can. can see I'm ripped to shit. You have a great torso. Thank you. Thank you. I think my Bitcoin Threatener would be really right about me to see you today. Because I will talk about what I saw when I jerk off.

Yeah. And I also have a beautiful horse body. I love that about you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Can run real fast. Yes,

I think it's about what I can make out of you. Yes, I think it's about how the future of the animals sort of survive and change. But what I want to know is what do you bring to the table, talent-wise? Because we do a show one. a week on the yard. Well, I mean, it's 40 days and 40 nights, right?

I mean, so it's going to get boring unless you have. Exactly. So you have the whole week to prepare your talent. And so we'll do four talent shows. Four talent show. Give or take. And you'll have, you'll have a few days to repair. We'll do a talent show, a few days for a pair to do a talent show. Yeah.

And we're here 11 weeks. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Look, what are you? You're kind of annoying me because I... This is part of my talent. Allow me...

This is... You want your talent? Allow me to stamp it out on the floorboards here. Okay. So you do a little bit of a... Wow. That's me counting. I love that.

How many was that? Four. You know what's amazing about that? Yeah, you're right. You have hands and you could count on your fingers, but yet you chose to stand. That's exactly right. I can't, I don't really use my fingers because my head is so tiny up there. I can't really see that well.

And you have side eyes. And I do have side eyes. So it's hard for me to see what I'm counting to. Look, I got to say, this eel, his head is so small. He sleeps 23 hours of the day because his. brain is so small, he can't even stay awake. Only my head sleeps. But the rest of me is walking around like nuts.

So it's kind of like a headless horseman situation. Yeah. Like a Nicobod crane kind of thing. Headless horseman. Right. I'm a horseman. I've never realized that's a good point. What about the headless horse woman?

Well, I mean, he's a horse. When do we finally get one? But I'd love to hear about that. You know, can you make a horsewoman? I bet I could. Can you make a woman horse. What would you? Oh, yeah.

I can with this. Here's a, here's a, um, here's a, here's a, um, here's a, question for you this is a little bit of a test okay okay if i wanted you to make a horsewoman what would you have sex with uh so you want essentially like a centaur a horse i would you want a centaur lady right okay is that what you're saying do you have any horse women you don't but i would need a head of a woman the question is the question is mine i would i would no i would have sex with a horse first and then their daughter our daughter then it would would have sex with a man okay this is like okay so it's a few years it's a couple of generations of

how I would do it. Here's how I would do it. I'm already half person, half horse. Right. Or third person, third horse. Well, even more. Even more, honest. And then, thank you. I took that as a compliment. You know what? I wish you were my friend group.

I like it when you talk to me. I like you. I really, I don't want to be on this boat without you. I don't either. Could we get a trench coat? I think you're ugly. I don't know that. Here's how I make a trench coat snow. I do. Here's how I would make a horse one. I'm already, I got human, I got horse.

I put a bag over my head. Finally. I tie it real tight. None of that gets in there. It's so far up there. It's like you're ampute to early. I seal it off. Well, I mean, that's just for me.

But it also prevents any eel from getting in there. Eel's the smallest part. That's faster than your plan. I'm just worried you're going to have like a now for, like if he has sex with anything else that's not a horse, a man, or an eel, then suddenly you have a thing with four different things inside of it? This is just like... Then you have to build another arc.

And five arms or five legs. Yeah. Which is kind of disgusting. You kind of look like one of those, like one of Sid's toys from Toy Story. Yeah. I don't know what that is. Just, you know, you've been mushed together in a really nasty way. Can I be honest?

I didn't know either, but I just acted like I did. I felt like you would have known that. Me? Look, I'm all manatee. I'm all manatee. with legs. Okay, and so you're, I'm a pure blood. So you have the flippers and legs.

The legs actually make it so you're not, just so you know. They're not human legs. They're not right. They're not right. They look delicious. Oh, who's the racist now, Noah? I don't think that you belong on this boat. I don't think you belong on this boat, Noah.

Am I being kicked out of my own creation? You're being canceled from this arc. And, and, uh, this person, gypsum and and flupe are going to be driving this boat. Get off the arc, Noah. Get off the arc, Noah. Mr. Noah, get off this arc. And now you're taking both my spots. So one of he's going to lay in with my wife every night?

Yeah. One of us? Both of us, baby. The end. What a great three-cher. What a great three-ter. Thank you so much to Rosalie. We all one.

Guys, we have to go. Yeah, we really do. This is a fun episode. Fun app. Coming back to. Follow us on social media. we're at Freedom USA on both Instagram and Twitter

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