Threedom - Threevisiting: Legally Blob

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

Threevisiting on the Tues: Lauren, Paul and Scott discuss rideshare ratings, standing ovations, and play a new Threeture: The Titular Game. Get your very own "The Wearer Believes" t-shirt at podswag.com/threedom.  Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Paul, is there a right time for better health? I don't think so. That's what I thought, too. Okay, I'm glad we're on the same page with this. Yeah, there's just now, right? That's so true. Now is the time for better. Bestie?

Yeah, yes. Anyway, AG1 is the easiest and most impactful habit that you can implement this year. And you know what, Scott? Sustainable health is about consistency, not perfect. So you want to simplify your nutrition with AG1, multivitamin, pre-and-probiotic, superfoods, and antioxidants in one scoop. I hate oxidants. I'm going to do all that plus post-biotics. I'm going to invent those.

I'm just going to do biotics. Sure. Okay. AG1 is the opposite of complexity. 20 seconds, one scoop, eight ounces of water, you're done. Drink it first thing. Drink it last thing. Drink it before coffee.

Drink it after coffee. Drink it during coffee. I don't care. I don't care what you do. I don't care. I'd leave me out of all of your decisions. Oh, and the new next-gen formula? They've added more vitamins and minerals than ever clinically proven to fill common nutrient gaps.

Look, I've been drinking AG1 every single morning. I drink it every hour on the hour. What's your favorite flavor? White. Mine's berry. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good one. I love Barry, but honestly, I've enjoyed them all.

I'm already knocking out my 2026 nutrition goals in just one day because I've drank the whole year's supply in one day. Oh, I wouldn't do that. Listen, AG1 has over 50,000 verified five-star reviews and comes with a 90-day money-back guarantee. So go to drinkag1.com slash freedom to get their best offer. For a limited time only, get a free AG1 duffel bag and free AG1 welcome kit with your, do you think welcome. I'm going to put that inside the duffel bag. That's going to be awesome. Only while supplies last. That's drinkag1.com slash freedom. Drink ag1.com slash freedom. It's morning in New York.

Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin. And I'm Catherine Grady. And we have a new podcast. It's called Don't Listen to Us. Many of you have asked for our advice. Tell me. me. What is wrong with you people? Don't listen to us. Our take it or leave a device show every Wednesday, out now. A Lemonada Media Original.

I heard someone yelling fire. They said help fire. Hrouded theater. Yeah, we're in a movie theater. People hate that we do this, by the way. In a movie theater. Yes. While a movie's guy. Has anyone ever heard the movie? I always wonder that. No, we... Hey, Pisspakes, can you hear the movie

while we're doing this? We take it on a post. But if any Pispit can hear the movie that's playing in the background. If anyone can identify the movie that's playing. And if you can hear who's yelling at us to be quiet, let us know. Tell them to shut the fuck up. Yeah. Call them and tell them. Claim.

Then write their voice. Then text them at least. At least. At least. At least email. At the very least. An urgent email. At the very least, a letter by mail.

Snailmole. Snailmole. Snails. Man. Remember the first time you ever ate snails? Yeah. Do you think there's any postal worker whose last name is snail? Yeah, probably.

I hope so. That would be awesome. That would be so awesome to be like, Fred Snail. I deliver the mail. Yes, I've heard it all before. Yeah, yeah. But tell me again, please. But I'm so lonely.

I forgot everything you said. I would you ever work at the post office? Sometimes I think. Sometimes I think it could be a mail carrier. Yeah, I think you could be one of those annoying ladies at the counter. I could definitely be like really mean at the counter. No, I think I think working at the post office would be one thing that might be, maybe okay, but what is the crazy?

I sometimes do think about being a male carrier. Yeah. Well, there's something kind of nice about it. Yeah, because it's like dogs barking at you. It's like harkens back to an earlier time. I love dog barking. I do think about the dog though. Like having a bag of treats, so you get the dogs to shut the fuck up.

Doesn't it harken back to an earlier time? It harkens back to an earlier time. At what point does it go away? God, I don't know. Mail? Yeah. Not any time soon. Next, I think by June.

You think by June, Fred Snail is out of a job? That's stressful. You also, I would say male carrier. For Fred Snail. Male carriers, great calves. Yeah. Well, I'm already there. Oh, check these babies.

Stop, stop. I'm overwhelmed. Oh my God, one of my lift drivers in Portland was like, Oh, oh. Yeah, well, the Lyft CEO is stepping down on Monday, so this job's going to change a lot. And I'm like, is this all, any of this true? It didn't seem true at all. The Lyft CEO's stepping down, and so everything's going to be different.

Yeah, I don't know. Tell him to shut the fuck up and not talk to you anymore. What did you want to say about your nude calf? I got a new cat. I got a nude calf. I'm, I'm on Wiki feet today because I'm not wearing socks. Oh, my, are you on Wiki feet? I don't know.

I don't know. I'm on Wiki feet today because I'm not wearing socks. I'm going to post pictures of your feet in my stories right now. No. Wait a second. We were talking about things and it made me think of a thing to talk about. But now I can't think of the thing. You're not on there.

Fred Snail. I'm sorry to everyone. Caves. Lift. That's what I want to talk about. We, now Lauren and I discussed this with Brian Safi and Arden Marine. Oh, yeah.

On their podcast. Well, we discussed it. It's about Uber. About Uber. Yeah. Uber rating. Yeah. And mine is like they were.

So they were, so they were, so they were, Paul was on Brian and Arden's podcast. How do you use no autographs please? Which is a really hilarious podcast that I highly recommend. Um, they talked to the guest to the top.

Nice to you to do a solid for your friend. I am. They talked to the guests at the top and then they do improv with the guest and it's always like a bad date and the listener suggests bad dates lines. Things that were said on a bad date. Which is so crazy. Some of the things that are said are so funny. And it's great.

But, um, you guys were talking. I was dying because you guys were talking about your Uber. readings and then everyone's was lower than they expected it to be. How do you see them? I've never seen when you're on your account page. I think we should reveal it now. So I went and looked at mine and then I had to send my to them because we were all three of us were under 5.0, which is five is the best. Yeah, five stars. How do you see? Okay, I'm on. And then my and click account in the bottom right. Oh God. Mine is so mad. And so I had to brag because I was a perfect five. I was so jealous.

Mine's four point nine three. What do you do? Whoa. Four point nine. Is that bad? No, that's really good. No, it's great. Mine's 4.85. I just wonder what. Like, what the fuck? I tip these guys every time. I give them five stars every time.

No matter what. I always, I never don't give five stars. Never. The one thing that happened to me that I think probably dinged me down is I got an Uber to the Hollywood Bowl last year. And the guy got really mad because there was so much traffic. And he started taking it out on me. And he's like, I'm going to get off the freeway. I'm going to go the other way on the freeway.

I go, it's just as busy the other way. It's just going to waste time And he started getting very mad at me He might have given you a four stars at that point And that brought down your average Yeah But I mean I don't I don't I've never had

I can't remember having an incident Like maybe being On 43rd Street? I don't know what is it Incident on what? That's a song Who is it very Joel? Miracle on 34th Street

Not incident 57th Street Sorry Bruce Springsteen Oh Bruce Springsteen It's incident on 57th street That was like Was that his 8000th song he wrote It's so specific and random

sounding. Let's hear a little bit of... It's specific yet vague. Incidents. You've been around as long as I have. Things start to happen. Sometimes you have incidents. On 57th Street. I fell down in the street and everybody laughed at me.

Did you hear the needle zee-l-lid-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-le-old. Oh, he has this lepreon that plays with him sometimes on tour. Oh, yeah. But only on tour. So it's only on live track. This is the live track then. That's how you know. Because he brings them around on tour because it's kind of like a, he dances.

Hey, you know what I got with me today? Who is it? I think you know. The lepricons. Let's get him out of. Bring him out. Dance lepercon. Dance, dance, lepercon.

Is your Uber Eats rating the same as your regular? On Uber Eats, I'm a 10 point. Do you get rated? You get rated on Uber Eats? I have no idea. I don't think so. That would be funny. This guy's a real pig.

She ordered too much. He eats garbage. He has to weigh himself. What is this guy? A goat. And wanted to pay by the pound. Dida-de-de-da-de-de-de-de-de-d-d-de-d-d- Now Paul and Lauren are both on their phones.

And I'm left holding the bag. What are you guys texting each other? Yeah. We're talking about you. I thought how handsome you are. Oh my gosh. I said his calf was meatier than I expected. That's true.

we weren't saying I was handsome Wait wait you're saying how handsome I am One out of five One star You got dinged because you made us go into traffic Oh Ding ding But come on man

What am I what the fuck did I do? I don't know man I know you're just a regular guy Trying to hang out in someone's car It makes me so mad I'm sorry I'm really sorry No because does anyone look at it

Does the do Well because they see it When you get a driver It shows you their stars And so I assume they see your stars look at them. Yeah, I think they do. And then I've had people cancel on me,

but I assume it's because I'm too far away or something. I've had that too. I don't think it's because of your rating. If you had like a two. What if it was? That would be one. Yeah. Yeah, that would be insane.

4.83, forget it. What did you do last time? Probably farned. I value myself. Anyway, guys, if you're an Uber driver, give me my five fucking stars. Yeah, if you're listening right now and I hope that you are. I pray.

Because otherwise, why are we doing this? Yeah. If you're not listening right now? Damn. Don't even bother listening to it later if you're not listening right now. If you're not listening now, you might as well not listen at all. Yeah. Yeah.

Right? I think so. Yeah. Mike and I got on an Uber recently. I thought you're going to say fight. And we fought so hard in it. It was crazy. You did that on purpose, right?

No, we got in this Uber and the driver was listening to a podcast, which typically doesn't really happen. You don't typically get in a hear of a podcast. Remember how? light Uber drivers were when it first came out and it was always like, do you want some mince? Do you want to charge your phone? Yeah. Do you want to listen to your own music? I still get that sometimes. And now it's like, get in the fucking car. No, I still get that sometimes. Do you really? Yeah. Yeah. They say, get in the fucking car, idiot. Now, but I'm the one I say, I'm getting in the fucking car. That's why they gave us a little rating. His podcast was like,

it was almost like an NPR type thing. And maybe it was just NPR. I don't know, but it was like, and they didn't know if there were ghosts in there. Oh, God. But they didn't see one again. and they never saw ghosts again. Like, it was like just kind of saying. I would love for you to do a show just like that. Where it was only meant to be listened to in the middle of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where there's no context.

It's like a fall asleep podcast. Yeah. One time we heard, we got into an Uber and the guy was listening to conservative radio. That feels like you're trying to signal that you are. Exactly. Message received. And then did you argue with him and he gave you the bad rating? Yeah.

See, Paul? I said you're a mindless drone. Just listening to what the MSM tells you. Oh, Lauren. Oh, Lauren. What are we going to do with you? Let's take a trip together. Wow, where to?

Yeah, where should we go? Should we do a kiddie trip? What's that? Where all the kids come? Sure. Yeah, would you be okay? You'd have to dress as a kid. Well, you know, what's great for you is...

Like a big lollip? Can we just bring a big doll? I think the great thing for probably, you could do whatever you want. Yeah. And then we could. couldn't. So I'd just walk in and out as I please. Yeah, it would be kind of baddening.

You guys are just stuck in this house wherever it is. We could go to Santa Barbara. Whoa. Is that too far? But when we went to Hawaii, I like stayed in the house all day. No, Hawaii was great. That place was so relaxing. Oh, my God.

Let's go there. We should. I would love to be on a trip with the little kids. I would totally go to Hawaii again. I can't. I can't go to Hawaii with it. You could. I could.

Is that that that young? Yeah. It'd be a night. Probably easier now. It is easier because she can't get up and walk. She's just a dumb blob. No, finish. Dumb blonde.

No, but I traveled with college and she was like four months. The flight's not, you know, that part's not great, but you get there and then you get there. And you don't care. Yeah, yeah. I'm never going to go anywhere again. Okay. That's your problem. The fuck is wrong with you.

I don't know. Can't stay awake till 8.30 p.m. Your life's over. It's insane. It's not about. me anymore. It's just begun to go. That's true. And you should enjoy that. Yeah. And frankly, I should enjoy it? Isn't that nice? Frankly, it wasn't really that much about you to begin. I know. I think it's nice to have it be about someone else. It's a dream. To not be noticed.

Just to be not the focus for a little bit. Let me just. No one looking at you. Yeah. You can do whatever you want. It's like enough paparazzi. When the paparazzi comes when I'm with my family and I'm like, no, no, don't take pictures of me. Take pictures of her. Yeah. Basta, barraza. And baste, pass, take pictures of her. Put them in the paper, paparazzi. Hey, paparazzi, please. Hey, paparazzi. Hey, paparazzi.

I want to go back to Italy. So you want to go to Italy? I've never been. I'd like to go. I went right before the baby was born. It was so fun. I saw a picture the other day. It was so fun.

Was that your baby moon? It was. Technically it was. I mean, I would like to go. Did you and Mike have a baby moon? We did. We went to Palm Springs. Springs or I guess it was like, I don't know that it was exactly Palm Springs, but something over there and just had a Airbnb with like a pool and a hot tub and it was fun.

Two bits. Yeah, it was just fun. And we brought our cat and our dog and made it a whole thing. Because we were back. Yeah. Yeah. Do they chase each other all the time? Well, Scott.

No, they don't. I know. I know. My cat has since passed. I know, but did they. That was kind of her last hurrah. They did from time to time, but not. Really?

It was more kind of stuck to their own. Because dogs chase cats. Franie would try to chase the dogs. So simple. Bird chase worm. Let's not make it harder than you. And the amount of worms I'm doing well. You know what?

I would have a pet if it weren't for the worms. The worm are worms. You should just skip the whole deal and get a pet worm because they're hilarious. But a bird's going to chase it. Then I have to take care of the bird. You're right. Remember the time that I swallowed a fly And then it turned into a whole thing

I don't know why you swallowed that fly I hate that song or whatever that is What is that? What is that? Why do people sing? I don't know, but I always hated that growing up. Why do people sing? It's not even a rhyme.

Everyone sings the same song. There was a one who swallowed a fly or something. I heard it as perhaps he'll die. Maybe it's perhaps. And I heard it's a little more old woman I'm pulling it out of my ass right. That's how you can tell if you're an optimist or a pessimist. So say it again.

Say it. Don't sing it. Who swallowed a fly. I don't know why she's what. Say it. There was an old woman to swallow a fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. Perhaps she'll die.

Where the fuck? What are we talking about? Why is that a song for a kid? She swallowed a spider. Right? Like, go to get a job. That jiggled and wriggled and squiggled inside her. Nasty.

She swallowed the spider. Nasty. Why was he wriggling inside her? Nasty. Why was it jiggling? That's sick. You know my story where I drank out of a waterball in a live spy. got in my back.

That's, Deska, I think about it a lot. Yeah. I think about it a lot. Well, have I told you the story? Yes, sometimes I miss it. And I've told it before and I've said who it was,

I won't say again just because I, it's not my story, but it was really funny. My old improv team, we were like standing around in one of our kitchens. This was like 10 years ago. And someone said they could eat a Clementine hole without taking the peel off.

Have I told you this? I'm sure I am. And then he just plopped it in his mouth and we were like, oh my god and then he went he's like I'll have another one and he opened it was black inside so he hit the one he ate probably was too yeah we were all sick and did you share that that tweet on instagram that was like chair tweet instagram how come every time somebody has one of those little oranges they always make you have one too no I didn't share that but that's funny I love specific shit like that that's true that I never think about yeah yeah I wish someone

Do you really? Yeah. I'll bring two next time. Can I tell you something? You'll bring tuna? I'll bring tuna. That'd be great to open up some big cans of tuna right before we start. Oh, I love to open up some big cans of tuna.

I love big cans of tuna. I love big cans. Ooh, you know what I love right now? Big can of tuna. Oh, sloppy, sloppy. Push down on that lid, let all the tuna earl come up. The girl. The tuna earl.

I don't know that term. It's a way that some people pronounce oil. Oh, got it. I'm reading Holly a lot of old golden books from when I was a kid that I still have. You've been doing that too. And I was reading one today that I haven't seen that was very cute. It's called Grandma and Grandpa Smith. And it's about the city kids to go to visit their grandparents in the country.

But then they got so specific. And maybe this isn't specific. And maybe you'll say this is a very common baseball-related thing. Can't wait to see. But the thing that was said... Baseball related. I was like... I was like...

I was reading it and I was going... Wreck in the back. Hey, Jude. Nah, don't make it. Nah, no, no. No, no. No, no. Hey, jute.

So... It was this part where the grandma goes in the attic and she's like... Screaming. She's screaming and she's begging for her life. And she said, here's a poltergeist up here. She's like, oh, look, here's your dad's old baseball glove. You should play with it. So he used to oil it every day.

Now it's so stiff. And then she, and then later it's like, and then Sam oil, the Sam put a lot of neat's foot oil on the glove and it got all squishy, or whatever. I was like, that's what you want. Neat. You want to put your hand into a baseball glove and it feel like a pussy. Yeah.

Okay. You know what. But I. Was reading it going, I'm reading out loud for the first time. You know, I haven't read it. And then he put Neat's foot oil on it and it became soft. I'm like, what? I've never heard of that my love.

Okay. I mean, I know you oil your glove and everything. It's a book from the 80s. I read from the 80s. Yeah, it's mine from when I was a kid. I read a book. Neat's foot oil. Is it still in business?

Shepp's Neat's foot oil. They put a dash in it, but. Like foot dash oil? Neat's foot oil. Foot oil. It's a yellow oil rendered and purified from the. shin bones and feed of cattle. Ew!

Neat is the oil's name... In the oil's name comes from an old English word for cattle. Neat's foot oil. Huh. Where's the hyphen? They put Needs-foot oil, but it's actually... Needs-foot, separate word oil? Yeah.

Needs foot. Oh, okay. Needsfoot. So you were thinking it was foot oil. I was thinking it was some very specific type of thing. I didn't think it's a Needs foot. And oil from that. No, I didn't have any...

like that. I thought it was a term. You had no thoughts. No, none like that. None like that. None like that. You're just a blank. My, none like that. It wasn't blank. It just wasn't like what you're thinking.

When I read Needsfoot oil, I thought, it's some old thing that I just don't know what it is. Neat's foot's extinct. Yeah. We probably wouldn't use that today. We'd oil with avocado oil. That's why I can't buy a house these things. That's right.

My whole generation has to live in a studio. That's right. Because we can't stop eating avocados. Millennia. I read a book when I was. young. I think it was definitely Oh my God, you're bragging about this book again? Yeah, it was

it was A B something. The Bible? But it was Who did get that? ABC's. It was A, B, I, B, L, it was called A, A Bible. But it was Appable?

It was, uh, it was, uh, it was, uh, I just got my stand goal. I've been sitting here for fucking two hours. They're like, you're doing it. By the way, this is three to me after dark. You're usually laying down. so they think you sitting up as you standing. Yeah. That's grim.

So I read this book and maybe a listener can identify because I know neither of you can. Ow! That was really intense. I'm sorry. It was about a, it was about a, okay. He hit his knee on the table. I know I saw.

Well, they don't know that because they didn't see. But I know it. So I said it. I know. So I said it. It's real. It's real. So it was, it was, it's like about a 12 year old baby or a 10 year old who was on a baseball team.

Mm-hmm. A 12 year old baby on a baseball team. And a 12 year old baby. He's just been a baby for 12 years. He won't stop being a baby. But we're giving him baseballs. We're letting him have hobbies. I think he doesn't have a baseball glove or something.

And then he, then one of his teammates who just got a brand new beautiful glove and signed it with a marker, um, left it. somewhere and then he... What do you mean he signed it? This is a book here? He like put his name on it. Oh, yeah. This is a book you're reading?

This is a book I was reading? Who do I make this out to? Oh, me. Is this a 10-page book? With the views resignation. Me. So he he steals this, he steals this glove. No, thievery.

He shouldn't do that because of the sin. And then in order to disguise the fact that this other kid put his name fucking kidding me he puts he does like a pattern in marker of like like rectangle over the name and then circle and then rectangle circle rectangle circle all over and and then he takes it to practice the next day and he's like oh i got a new glove and everyone sees right through it as like yeah obviously miss but our friend is missing his glove and you're not telling me you just did the marker you know of this pattern over it and he was just guilty about it and guilty about i forget how it ends This is a book theory?

I'm truly like, what is this book? I think the name of it was, not you pretending you got a new glove. Not you again. It's giving liar. It's giving me liar vibes. Oh, we got to take a break. A new year.

Colder days. This is the moment your winter wardrobe really has to deliver. Oh, believe me. I've been talking to my clothes and telling them. This is crunch time, gang. Do they talk back ever? Uh, no. I'm normal. Oh, okay. Great. I thought you were normal. And you've just reassured me. Um, well, if you're craving a winter reset, start with pieces truly made to last season after season after season after season after season. Quince brings together premium materials, thoughtful design and enduring quality so you stay warm, look sharp, as Joe Jackson

told us to do. That's right. And feel your best all season long. Joe Jackson also admonished us. Remember his song, Feel Your Best All Season Long? Yes. Quince has everything you need. Men's Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Wool coats. Leather and suede outer weather that actually hold up to daily wear and still look good.

Yum, yum. Their outerwear, it's especially impressive. Think down jackets. Wool coats, Italian leather outerwear that keeps you warm when it's actually cold. I'm especially impressed. Each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. That's right.

I happen to love my Mongolian cashmere crue neck sweater from Quince. I wear it constantly, even to bed. I haven't taken it off since I received it. And that was... Yeah, I mentioned to talk to you about that. Oh, okay. Well, we'll have an off-mite conversation about that. Refresh your winter wardrobe with Quince.

Go to quince.com slash freedom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. Oh, Canada. Oh, Canada. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot-com slash freedom. Free shipping and 365-day returns. That's all year. Quids.com slash freedom.

Ouch. What happens, Scott? Well, now the holidays are over. The spending hangover is here. Oh, that's so true. I have a spending ice bag on my head. I don't know about you, but after all the gifts, the travel, the food,

the last thing I want to do is spend more money. I want people to give me money. I don't want to give them money. That would be great. Luckily, Mint Mobile is here to help you save on wireless this January with 50% off unlimited premium wireless. Whoa, Mint Mobile's end of year sale is still going on, but only until the end of the month. Cut out big wireless's bloated plans and unnecessary monthly charges with 50% off three, six, or 12 months of unlimited. Wow. I have saved so much money since I switched over to Mint Mobile.

and now I call people and I scam them out of money and they pay me money, which is really great. I do that all on my cell phone. Anyway, switching to total no-brainer, the service is still great. The data is just as fast. This January, quit overspending on wireless with 50% off unlimited premium wireless. Plan started $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Limited time offer, upfront payment of $45 for $3,000 for $6 month, or $100,000.

$180 for 12 month. Plan required equivalent to $15 a month. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy capable. Device required. Availability speed and coverage varies. See minmobile.com. Oh, my God.

Do you ever find yourself scrolling through headlines, especially health headlines, and just thinking that can't be true? Well, I certainly do. 25 brought us some ridiculous far-fetched health claims and some especially terrifying changes in public health. What's in store for us in 26? I'm Chelsea Clinton, and we're back with season two of my podcast. That Can't Be True. Follow along and catch up on season one wherever you get your podcasts. We're back.

Speaking of childhood books. Okay, tell me about either a kid or a book. Well, I'm going to, it's kind of about both. Oh, this is that allowed? Yeah. No, this is great. Yeah. This was a two book series that told the same story.

It's not really a series when it's two books. It's a book and it's sequel. No, it wasn't a sequel. Dumbass. Because it was the same story told from two different points of view. What? That's like the affair. It was a real.

Roshamah minus one. Did you guys watch The Affair? We did. I loved it. I thought it was really interesting. The last episode is fucking bonkers. Oh, where he dances to. Oh, my God.

I can't remember what happens at the end. He's an old man makeup. And he does the wedding dance, the flash mob wedding dance that he choreographed on her grave. Wait, he choreographed a flash mob wedding dance? You just made this up, right? No. No.

When he's young. While Fiona Apples sings, uh, the water boys that was my used to be like performing which she did a great

doing the full opening of that she did a great of the affair are we talking to the same thing yeah we are because she she's so confused

oh because she sings the opening titles yeah yeah it's a really fun one to act out when everyone's watching the show

yeah in the modern I would try to match it exactly when we watch the show listen if you are gonna watch the affair at some point

this is very spoiler heavy but skip ahead one minute so in the present day at his daughter's wedding. He's not allowed. He's not allowed or whatever, but he decides to choreograph this flashmoth dance. This isn't real. It is real. He decides to choreograph a flashmop dance to the water boys version. And then in the future, when the world is

covered in water, did they not watch this? In the future, when the world is covered in water, he finally goes to his wife's grave or something. And then by himself, He's in terrible old age makeup. Yeah. And he does, he does. Are we talking about the same show, Lauren? I honestly don't know.

I think I missed a full season. He does the flash mob dance on her grave. That's literally insane. And that's the end of the. It's nuts. I, the affair. Because I think they,

they find out who killed her. I liked, I didn't realize she was murdered. I, I'm sorry. What is going on? Moro Tienni gets murdered. I never,

no. To be fair, I never remember anything, but this sounds so insane. Ruth, what's your name? Yeah, she was murdered at the end of this. Because she don't want to be on the show anymore.

Yeah. Which I think is honestly, like, if you're going to, if you're going to say, hey, I don't want to be on this show anymore, you, the worst thing should happen to your character. Yeah. No flashback. I'm gone. I think I watched them all. I'll have to revisit this. That show, I had an experience with that show, which is one of those things where it's not the show's fault because I expected, I thought it was going to be something different than it was, which is I liked the idea of the.

story being told from two different points of view. That blew my mind when it first happens in the first episode. But then at the end when it's like there's been a murder or whatever and they're being questioned by the cops like, what the fuck is this? Oh, I loved it. Murder is. I loved it. It's why in a White Lotus it's so popular is because I think he wrote it and they were like put a murder. Well, because it keeps people hook because they want to see what's going to happen.

Yeah. But I don't care. Yeah. You don't like murders? Only murders in the building. Bye. I did it. We've been waiting.

We've been waiting for that moment. Oh, that's not. That's not. No, that's not the phrase that pays. It is very close to that. It's their phrase that pays. It's their phrase that pays, yes. If you watch only murders in the building.

Yes. So they said it in the first episode. And they pay a million dollars. Yes. To everyone who ever hears it. That's why they're very careful not to say it anymore. Yeah. But they say it.

They say it. And that episode's still up. Yeah. And you can watch it. You can watch it as many times you want. And they have to pay you a million dollars every time you him you hear it. Yeah.

Wait, you just hear it and suddenly you check. So there was two books. One was the bully of Barkham Street. Oh, I read this. And the other was a dog on Barkham Street. So a dog was being bullied? The dog was the boy.

What? His dog's perspective? So the first book is this kid gets a dog. And it's like this great story. But he also has a bully that's bullying him at school and everything. The second book, does he kill him? he murders him. And then the cops are questioning him.

No, dreaming by the fan of my death. The whole liberated. Why didn't she release that as a single? I don't know. I think it's not. It's 15 seconds. I know. She was ahead of her time.

I know. It feels way longer. That's a long one. It's pretty short. But it feels longer. How long does it feel to you? It feels like it's four and a half minutes. No.

That's way too long. My brain's messed up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody took a chunk out of it. Oh, yeah. Oh, this guy. But here's the thing.

I read, a bite. I take a bite out of your brain. I'm a gruff. The brain biter. The dog who commits crimes. So the first book, this nice kid, he gets this dog, blah, blah, blah. He's a mean bully. Are you supposed to read them in this order?

I think so. It makes more sense if you do. Because in the second book, when it's revealed, oh my God, it's from the bully. point of view and guess what his home life sucks and that's kind of what makes him a bully yes because bullies are bullied and that's why they're bullies

hurt people hurt people hurt people scared people scare people tall people tall people yeah ear people yeah ear people yeah it's all true pot people pod people pie pi piper pipe piper oh six bags full

how many can you fit in your mouth give it to me me or you are the one to be it. If I point at you and you say I am me, then I will say you are. It's such bullshit when people do this. Fakeouts? Oh my God.

Before reality TV, before American Idol. That was the original, like, Ryan Secret fake out. That was reality shows. Yeah. What did he do that was a fake out? He'd be like, and the person eliminated will be revealed after the break. Oh, yeah. Like that kind of shit.

He loved doing that. And people go, and now Kelly and is no longer with Ryan. It's now going to be Kelly and Mark, her husband. Mark Oswello? Yeah. I feel like this was her long, her plan to get paid twice for one show. It's like fucking shit. Would you, would you, and Gulop do a morning show together?

How early. It would be fucking. It's got to start. It starts at eight. What the, can you fucking imagine that show? 8. It starts at 8.15? Yeah, 8.30. What about 8.30?

It has to kind of be on the same. Johnny Carson style. I'll do it at 830. For how long? 15 years. No, for, wait. It's one episode, it's one episode 15 years long.

The episodes are two hours. Is that how long? No, I don't know. So 830 to 10.30? Maybe two hours. It better be. No, they're only one hour. Jesus.

Well, some of those good morning shows. The today shows. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'll do it. I'll do 8.30 a.m. for 20 minutes. All right. With who up?

Two days a week. What do we do with the remaining 10 minutes in the hour? Is it on YouTube? In the half hour. Play YouTube. No, it's on YouTube. No, play YouTube for the remaining 10 minutes. I think you guys should be on YouTube and you should make the show from home and it should

be uploaded Tuesdays and Thursdays and it's 20 minutes a lot. I don't think anyone would give a shit about listening. I remember. And you talk about current events that happened on Monday and Wednesday. Yeah. On Tuesday and Thursday. Thursday? The previous Monday and Wednesday. Okay.

Yeah. A week before. Yeah. It's old news. But I do think, I do. This morning. Like, Paul, you and Janie do your show together. It's true. Which I really enjoy it. I don't know if we could do it in the morning. Morning is a hold of a little.

Because you guys are, you have to be really clean. Morning is for sex. Afternoons are for sex. Nighttime is for podcasts. Nighttime is for podcast. Nighttime is for podcast to watch TV. Yeah. I remember watching Doctor Who On PBS

Dr. Why? Dr. How? Dr. What? Dr. Them? What? Dr. The what? What? Dr. Witt?

Dr. Who? What? Because the episodes were Less than a half hour. They would. That short back then? Yeah. Yeah.

Why? They're under a half hour. In and out. But the local PBS station, they'd like throw a music video on there at the end. Oh, yeah, that's great. And that'd be pretty cool. So you'd see like what?

It was pretty cool. A famous band or a local band? It would be, well, famous bands. And the first one they did was the who, eminence front. Oh, Doctor Who. Their greatest song. Was there ever a Doctor Who episode called Eminence Front? Yeah.

And what does Eminence? They forgot they did it already. What does Eminence Front mean? It's a put on. I know that. It's a put on I know that Well then I don't know why you're asking dear

Okay I guess you're right I guess it's just a put on CSI Put on And the theme song is Eminence Front Yes Eminence Front CSI CSI called it put on And it's all about crimes

It's all about It's all about like scams What do you mean? That song is by the who? Yeah Eminence Front yeah I thought it was by And I'm a piquot totally wrong Here's what I've always thought.

First of all, you already are totally wrong. You are wrong. Let's hear who he's thought. That is pre-established. I bet what I'm going to say makes no sense. And I'm going to try to figure out why I thought this later. I thought it was wham. Parliament Funkadelic.

It does sound like it could be a parliament funk. It is a lot higher than the who normally is. I'm not completely insane. No, just don't. I'm just wrong. Yeah. Yeah. And stupid.

Okay. Look, people come to my defense of I'm right. we want to hear from you if we say the phrase that pays or if you'd like to come in Lawrence defense if she's ever right she was right about that born identity yeah that's right I was I was apologies from both Paul and I yeah erata no there's no evidence of my thing being right at all yeah there's no version of any world where that's true make my fun but I did that would be a great parallel world though yeah it would be cool where like things that you think are is true.

Yeah, I would love to live in that world. Sliding doors. Shliding doors. When those sliding doors. A forester, shut my face. I never got to the world. You're not the man now. The world where I thought I was.

You're still still talking about. That's the sliding doors way. The idea was we were all talking at the same time. Yeah, I didn't have anything over here. We wanted to hear it, though. We all stopped talking. That's Lawrence. Want me to tell you?

Yeah. When no sliding doors, I knew that that path was not for me. Whatever, fuck it. Fuck it. What, you think Sean Pondry ever said fuck it? Fuck it. I'm sure he did.

Can I tell you a petty show business story involving me? Yeah. Years ago, a handful of years ago, did the London podcast festival. Love it. And I did two shows. I did a show with Super Ego and I did a show with Spontorko with me and Janet Varney and Tony Newsom. Eugene could not make it.

And the first night, Super Ego show was a lot of fun. We got a standing ovation. Whoa. For the people listening. These people are very generous. For the people listening, by the way, who don't know what a standing ovation is. How would you describe it? Well, it's like, you know an ovation.

Yeah. Yeah. Sure. We're smart. It's like dumb it down. Like usually the end of a show. Well, no, no, no. I'm trying.

I'm trying. I'm trying. Okay. At the end of the show, it's typical to give an ovation. Yeah. And everyone does that. That's usually with like palms slapping together. Yeah.

Sometimes the, the, where you put the fingerprints on the fingers. Yeah. And it's your own two hands. You don't typically slap other people's palms. No, no. It's always your own hands.

Yeah. You slap them together. So basically it's a sound of two hands clapping. Yeah. It's an ovation. Yeah. It's an ovation. Sometimes if people really liked it.

It's a put- to describe it. So you get a clear picture of what it is. I mean, you wouldn't be doing it if the show wasn't over. And there weren't people in the world. No, no, no, no. Have you ever been alone in a room and you just start doing this? Yes.

You have? I have been alone in a room and I just start clapping because I think I had a great thought. But that's not an ovation because an ovation is always at the end of something because they have the same root over ovation. Oh. Got it. So that's why it's very rude and it's bad luck in the theater to clap before. Oh, clap.

That's another word for it. You can't do that before the end of the show, even if you really like something. Although isn't every second the end of something, it's the end of that second. So you can clap in the time. Yeah, but it has to be the specific thing is over. You can't just clap again in the second. If you're getting a standing ovation, can you talk about more like what that might look like? This is, this is exactly.

For the layman. For the layman. Just kind of give us an idea of what that might look like. If we were to be in a room where one was happening. Yes. If you do, we see this. happening around you. You might get really stressed out if you didn't know what this was. Am I right, Scott? Well, this has happened to me a handful of times, maybe two, three, four,

five. Okay. And I was frightened to death. Much like the Barclam's true books. And you were in the audience or you were on stage? No, never on stage. Oh, okay. This has happened. No, always in the audience. Much like the Barkham books, I'll give you both perspectives. So I'll give you the performance perspective and the audience perspective. Okay. So because you've seen it both ways now. Yes. Very, very, very, there's very fine experiences on both sides. So, from the audience perspective, what you're seeing is the thing that you love. You're seeing this performance is over.

You're saying, I enjoyed this so much. I'd just say I need to go home and I walk out of the room. No, if you enjoyed something very much? Yeah. Oh, Scott,

no. Oh, Scott, honey, no. I need to go home. No, so you get really scared and you kind of cry, begging for someone to help you get into an Uber. Please someone take me home.

That's not everybody's experience. That's the experience is someone who can't stay awake until night. Yeah. So the audience The audience is they're applauding They're giving the ovation And then they're saying

I want them to really notice That I'm doing this And so if I stand up They will see how much I enjoyed it So all it takes is one person to stand up Then everyone else doesn't want that person To feel self-conscious So whether they liked it or not

They have to stand up Absolutely I mean there's plenty of times Where you're involved in one of those That you think Yes I wasn't really gonna stand I'd be happy to clap for hours

I thought it was good for how good it was. The first standing ovation was everyone was getting up to leave. And then it just felt so good to the performers. They're like, yeah, we did it. And then everyone's like, oh, actually I was. Yeah, the people were like standing up as they clapped like, okay, bye. And then everyone was like, were they actually heading for the exit?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. And the performers were like, this feels great. This feels great. Yeah, well, they were just gathering their process. Let's try to get one of these every night. That feels very dismissive to me. If you were to clap and stand and walk away.

Oh, that would hurt. Yeah, that would hurt. You see it happen. People want to get to their car first. They would feel pointed. Why don't we? I think basketball players are really hurting people leave before they even shoot the last basket. Oh my God.

The last basket. Because they're like, the last basket is always the best one. You have to stay to the last basket. If you don't want to see what happens, like you kind of have to know how close we got to losing and wing. Yeah. Why don't when you go see a play and you really love it, why can't you like everyone claps? Why can't you just go on stage and shake everyone's hand?

Yeah. You can. And why can't you go? Why can't you give them a hug? You can. People just don't do it. Yeah. And you're being nice.

These are, this is this one trick. This is like this theater performers don't want to. Your Instagram. This is like the, uh, your TikTok. The secret menu at in and out. Oh my God. Can I just say I'm not, and I know you actually had a point you were getting to. Not a point, but I was going to say more things.

Okay. I was thinking, I, uh, during this girl's trip weekend I was just on. Yeah. TikTok came up a lot. People were like, I saw on TikTok. I saw on TikTok. And I went, oh, that clock is making noises. I really feel like I need to get on TikTok because I feel like I'm missing out from, like

things they were learning. that were actually interesting. Like, I found it interesting. Exactly. And I was like, I should be on TikTok. And then on the, like, last night, people were, like, looking at how much screen time they had on TikTok. And then they all said, don't do it. TikTok specifically.

Because it's so addictive. Addictive. I find now, I think since I quit Twitter and I'm just on Instagram, that the more I scroll, the sooner it feels gross to me. Right. The soon, like, it happens so much faster than it used to. And even people, like, I don't follow a ton of people. So it's mostly people that I know who are, I know in real life.

And it's just like, what am I? I always have the feeling. What am I doing? I know. And I have that feeling so often. And I've talked about it so many times. And everyone's like, just fucking stop doing it then. But I'm like, it is addictive.

What great advice. I know. I'm just assuming they're saying that. Of course they are. But I'm like, you will see yourself and go, I'm wasting my time. But then sometimes I just go, what else am I doing? I guess I would like to read more books. By the way, doing horribly on my challenge.

No, I'm sorry. If I'm being totally honest, I'm on my sixth book. Oh, no. It's April 17th or something. And I have to read 18 more books before January. Before January? Can they be short? Yeah, I have to.

So some of them have to. Wait, are you counting the books you read, Holly? Yeah. Lauren. And I've only read six. Oh, no. You can get two pages in. I'm like so bored.

So from the performers' perspective, Yeah. It seems like, oh my God, they're mad and they're going to come in strangle me. Yeah. And then you see that they're still clapping and you think, okay, this is great. I like this. So here's what happened to you? So we got the standing ovation for Super Ego, which I thought was, look, I love playing with those guys.

I think we're funny. But this show didn't deserve a standing ovation. It was fine. It was no different than any of our other shows. Right. Which never got standing ovation. Sure. So you're like, why?

But maybe you're in another country. It's almost like, hey, thanks for getting on the place. They're applauding. So the next night, doing this show with Tony and Janet, and we had a great guest, we had a guest drop out, and then we had a last minute replacement in Starly Kine, who was one of my favorite interviews of that, of all of the spontaneation,

it was like a really interesting, very candid interview about our family. And then we did a sliding doors, like improv thing that ran through the whole, it was, you know, the whole thing. We're playing multiple characters and keeping the same. story going multiple categories keeping the store we're going to get we're going to get a standing well now you're banking on it and then we didn't and I was I was did it did it get booze or was it no people like it it was just normal applause people liked it oh man like you felt it was special I it was it was my hubris I felt it was special and I thought well surely these people recognize it's special

yeah and they did not feel the same way as I did and I bring it up to those guys to tony Janet. Remember when we didn't get a standing ovation? Yeah. I say it still bothers me. And they were like, we weren't expecting it because we weren't at that show.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You never expect a standing ovation. Imagine wanting a standing ovation for improv. I want one now.

Give it to me. Give it to me. Give it to me. No, that'd be wonderful. Yeah. We've gotten it for comedy bang bang, though,

which is very strange. They're just excited. What is the song that goes, Yee-hee-hee-hee. Wipe out. I think it's about a witch flying over the... No, it's Michael Jackson. Sorry.

Oh, thriller? No, it's the... The funk of 40,000 years. Is it off the wall? I don't know. Anyway. You know where he laughs at the beginning of here? No, I don't.

Stop saying it. I can't believe it's... We haven't mentioned Michael Jackson in such a long time. I thought we were doing great. I was at a vintage store and I saw It was a really great t-shirt however The big flaw was that I had Michael Jackson Drawing on it

But it was like a really good drawing You know it was like this is a good shirt So you liked it on an artistic level Yeah I was like no judgment about the guy I was like this is a good find in general Great artwork and then the slogan was I'm innocent And then the back said the wearer believes the shirt that should just be on the back

that should be on every t-shirt the wearer believes the shirt we should make a shirt I hold the derio the wear believes the shirt Freedom is the best podcast in the back says The wear believes the shirt

Let's do it The wear believes the shirt The wear The wear the shirt The wear believes the shirt The wear The wear believes the shirt The wear believes the shirt

The wear believes the shirt The wear believes the shirt The wearer believes the dirt The wearer believes the dirt The widow believes the shirt All right We need to take a break What the hell is wrong with us?

Hello I'm James Corden And on my new show this life of mine I sit down each week With some of the most fascinating people On planet Earth From Dr. Dre to Julianne Moore To David Beckham to Cynthia Arivo To Martin Scorsese

To Jeremy Renner To Denzel Washington To Kim Kardashian We talk about the people, places, possessions, music, and memories that made them who they are. These are intimate conversations full of stories that you've never heard before. This life of mine premieres October 21st, wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. We're back.

Lauren, do you ever want to say we're back? We're back, and we're ready to rumble. This time we're going to play a little thing called a Threecher. That's right. If you're not familiar, a creature is a thing that we play. Oh, wait, I'm not ready to rumble. Well, let's get ready to do that. What do you need? Your Rumble Pack?

Yeah. The Rumble Pack. Yeah. What does that mean to you? Video game thing. Yes. Yeah. But now, now controllers just have Rumble packs, right?

It's pretty great. I also have heard of Rumble pack being in your seat. That that was Rumble Seats. Rumble Sitskin. Rumble Sitskin. Rumble Seatskin. Rumble Seatskin was a little, yeah, exactly. I was going to say his butt had rumbles on it.

Not Ritches. No. Rumpels, not ridges. Rumples, not ridges. All right. You're so tasty. Can I just say... Yeah, yeah.

Say something before we do this. I do want to say really quickly. Yeah. Video game controllers are so good now. They're really good. Really? The subtleties of the vibrational shit, what they do, it's really good. It's really good.

I'm really happy for you because I feel like... That changes your quality of life. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine going back and living during the 70s again? I mean, it would be simpler because I bet if you, I bet if you went. went back now and you were in the 70s, you'd be like, okay, all of TV is garbage. So I'm never

going to watch it again, whereas I watched a lot of it during the 70s. I would probably watch WK, European Cincinnati. More of an 80 show, I guess. Yeah. I'd watch Sanford and Son. I watch good times. I would just watch all the same. You'd watch all the stuff again. All the stuff I already I feel like now having seen, I've forgotten it all. Now you'd be like, I've seen good TV. I'd definitely be bored enough to watch it all again. I don't think I was. You think I wouldn't want to see Maud get an abortion for the second time? Lady Godaville was a freedom. It was so crazy that episode, by the way,

it was 22 minutes. First two minutes are her deciding to get it. Then the next 20 are her getting it. Yeah. Wow. It was so crazy. Yeah, yeah. Really awesome.

And then she shoves it in her husband's face for the last 10 seconds. Where's the baby? I thought you went to bring it up from the hospital. What? It's only it's only in eight weeks. You've never looked to me like that before. Okay, this preacher. This is this creature. This is called the titular game.

And this is submitted by Luke Mindel. Did the lighting change in here? No. No. As it gets, it's a freedom after dark now. Oh, no. It's your brain tumor. Shut up.

All right. We name a movie or someone names a movie. Then we all improvise a scene, taking turns, doing lines in character, but not as characters from the movie. It's just a ran. random scene. Okay. It has to be totally made up,

have nothing to do with the movie. All the characters are from that movie? None of them are. So why do you say a movie? Well, I'll get to that. Okay. So we're creating new characters who are saying lines from movies.

No. So the scene must lead to one character saying the name of the movie with as much gravitas as you can. Okay. And if we all say it at the same time, bonus. Amazing. Okay, great.

So we just have to eventually end at the title of the, movie. Yeah. We don't have to say actual lines from the film. No. You just have to find a way to naturally say. Naturally get there.

Easy. I love it. This is going to be so easy. Watch this. So, Lauren, do you want to name the movie? Don't believe me? Just watch. Don't believe me.

My best shirt. The wearer believes a shirt. The name of the film is three men and a little lady. Okay. Hey, ding dong. What's up, please? Ding dong. I thought you were a ghosted first.

I am. But it's just that you're standing there. year cardboard cutout. Yeah, I know. Just like that movie, three men and a little lady? What's that? No grottas though.

That was too quick. That didn't work out. That was wrong. Also, the cutout was from three men and a baby, I believe. I don't even know. The ghost cut out? No.

The ghost, yeah, it's the story of the ghost on the set of three men and a baby. Supposedly when you watch three men and a baby, you can see a ghost in the movie. background and but it's actually just the cut out of the three of them. I think it was just Tedd-d-d-d-d-ton. For publicity for- it was just in the background like when they were shooting.

Yeah, in their apartment he had like a giant cut out of himself. It's like through it. There's a window and there's curtains on the window and you can see this. How's the window? Figure. Okay. What? Again, another callback too.

Let's do another one. Okay. My girl too. Scott. I was going to fucking say that. were. I swear to God. If you said it at the same time,

we would have won that scene. All right. Okay. Gentlemen, I want to just really talk for a quick second about, you know, the auto...

Sorry, I'm late. You should be sorry. The auto shop is having a lot of issues because you guys have not been fixing the cars. Did you see the restaurant across the street is on fire? Oh, no. Well, that's not really our problem.

I'm sorry to interrupt here, but... I'm told because I'm worried about this fire But I do want to talk about The car automobile You guys gotta see this fire It's crazy I mean I know you have your thing

Is everyone out safely? No, they're all burning Alive in my girl too She was there At the restaurant She owns it The owner was a woman You guys said you only want to own businesses

Across the street from each other At least we stay true to a word Why is this still going on? I don't know. What's the word? Let's try to extricate ourselves. Completed. Scenario.

Scenario. Successfully completed. Okay, Paul. You name a movie. Okay. Raiders of the Lost Ark. Raiders of the Lost Ark. Um, okay.

Hey, uh, thank you for coming. Uh, look, I know, I know it started raining. Every scene. Thank you so much. By the way, I have to sincerely thank you all for coming. No, no sweat. I mean, I mean, I know it's raining out. Yeah, but we're at work.

We come to work. I know, but I wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell you that God has been talking to me over the last few months. And that's why. Heaven God, that one? From heaven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. G. God.

G slash D. Mark, you never believe that it's really God. It's always God. Yeah. Why doesn't you talk to me? me. Because he only talks through him. Sorry, yeah.

And that's why I've been building this. I mean, this is why I don't believe it. He only talks to the one guy. I know. And he always says it's like through his big hat. Maybe there's a receiver in there somehow. Well, look. Your hat is two feet tall, by the way.

Yes, it's a tall hat. So it's in style right now. You know what? Two feet tall. It's not small. I want to push you against the wall. I'm opening. See you fucking try.

I'm opening a shop, by the way. Is that something I can bring up here? I guess. I mean, is this a safe space to bring up that we're opening shops? You're not going to trigger me or anything. Okay. Trigger warning.

I'm opening a shop. It's called Lost Ark. Hmm. I never want to talk about that again. Hey, we won't. We won't. You're not.

Aren't you worried about like how bad crime has been lately? I'm, I've been worried a little, but I'm still going to start my shop. I'm not going to base my shop. I don't want to talk. about your shop anymore. Okay.

I told you, never bring up your shop, Lost Ark, ever again. Hey, who are you to decide what shops we can and cannot talk about? Hey, sorry, I'm late to the... A new guy. Meeting I... William Shatner.

Shop across the street is being... It's being robbed. I don't want to talk about this. What? My shop's being robbed. Get out of here. Get out of here. My shop is across the street.

I don't care. Get out of here. Who are they doing this? The Raiders of the Lost Ark? Come on. Well, how did you think we were going to get there? You had a plan? Well, I was talking about my arc that I was building.

There's no one and all that shit. I didn't know. I was going to call you Judas. Judas. Call me Judas. Call me Ishmael. Another guy in a boat. Hey, call me Ishmael.

Why that? You're reading my book. All right. Lauren, you pick a movie. Okay. The movie is, have you picked one? Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry. Jesus Christ. The movie is called. The movie is called Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Whatever happened to Baby Jane. Thank you both for being here. Hey, let me just say,

no skin off my teeth. You know what I will say? You're welcome because I actually didn't want to be here on a Saturday. I actually have things that I wanted to be doing today. I'm your roommate, so I just have to go outside my room. And I'm your landlord, and I did not want to be here today. So you are very welcome. I'm here on a Saturday.

I do. appreciate both of you very much. You know, I'm at a time of my life where I'm well, I'm reminiscing. I'm thinking about the life I've lived and the people I've known. You owe me rent, by the way. I'm thinking about that too. But not as much.

I'm also thinking about that. Don't worry. I mean, I'm the one who pays you. I don't really care how it gets to me. I just want it in my wallet. I've only paid her half this month because you haven't paid your... What's been doing? You haven't paid your rent? I will pay you the rent. I promise. You must pay the rent.

I can't pay the rent. You must pay the rent. You must pay the rent. You must pay the rent. I can't pay the rent. You know, if bullshit wore a bra, you would be top-heavy. Guilty is charged. By the way, you are a little top-heavy.

You're a little bottom-heavy, too. You've gained 120 pounds. It's fatal. I'm dying. I'm dying of fatal weight. No. Yes. So when is the rent being paid? Well, it's going to be left to you and my will, and then my roommate, of course,

will pay you, landlord. But do I need another roommate? Do you want to live with me? Hmm, I have been wishing I could have that room. It overlooks the street so well. Please, please, please. It really does. There's so much traffic. I love to see the cars and smell the pollution. I have so little time left. Oh, it's like happening soon? It's happening soon.

Okay. Like, what's the ETA if you were to... What about your wife that you used to have? And that daughter of yours, did they leave you? Yeah, Mildred and... Whatever happened to baby Jane. Come on. You can't just...

It's got to come up naturally. But it's also supposed to be like a dramatic moment. Not a casual question. Every time you may... Like a casual My girl too was pretty dramatic Oh my god That was dramatic

That was dramatic I said it was She was dying in a fire Thank you All right Nomadland Thank you both for being here No thank you

I'm here under duress But thank you so much I've been dying to come here Well so I'm you both are getting your teeth clean today Thank you both for coming in For your regular checkup We decided to do a dual teeth clean. Well, you always do, right?

I mean, twins. Yeah. Twins. Can join twins. We're joined twins. We're joined at the cheek. Because there was that one time you had an appointment and you didn't want to deal with it and he wanted to get his done and whatever. But anyways, yes.

And he was, he didn't want to come. Yeah. He was, he was being a real baby about it. Yeah. And I said, you can't be unhappy at the dentist office. It's a no mad land. Wow. Wow.

Wow. I actually think that was good. See, I'm supportive. I thought that was good. I'm totally different game. No, no, but that is fun. All right, one more, one more. Okay, one more.

Paul, you get to pick your movie. Okay. Let's say. Larn's packing her things. Come on. I put sunglasses in a purse. But I know your whole M.O. Neither of them are mine.

I know your whole M.O. I love to leave. That's my favorite. You love to leave 10 minutes. before the episode's done. That's not true. I'm invested. Boogie nights.

Boogie nights. Hey, I don't want to thank you guys for coming because I don't appreciate you being here. Well, you're welcome anyway. I don't give a fuck what you think. I don't, I'm trying to sleep.

Why are you here? It's one of those boogie nights. Oh, geez. It's one of those. It's one of those. Booky nice. All right. I guess we're done.

And that's how you play that game. Thank you for submitting it. Thank you so much. Two Lukes in a row. Well, do you have anything you want to plug? Yeah, I'm at, first of all, the comedy bang, bang book just came out two days ago. So you got to get the book.

Buy it this week if you can. You got to get the book. And then I'm at the Chicago Humanities Festival this Saturday. Yeah. Being interviewed. By a human. By a human being. Fun.

It's a no robot festival. No robes. No AI. No chat. GPT. No droids. No Lexas. No series.

Yeah. No one named Alexa. Chappie? Uh-uh. Hey, Chappie. Go back to your fucking home planet. Hey, Chappie, sit this one out. Transformers?

It's not about you today. And don't try to come in as a truck transformers. You're still a robot. We won't be fine. We're going to have those. mirrors underneath your truck and if we see a robot dick. Won't get fooled again. So look. Eminence front.

I also have a plug. May 14th, Mother's Day. I'm just going to watch Succession. Varietopia with Paul F. Tompkins. And well, you're like, what? I'm not going to go see that show. Succession's on. Guess what, you piece of shit.

After the show, we're going to watch Succession as a family. We're going to have a great time. And hopefully a more functional family than the family is. Then the Roy's. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds great. So yeah,

Paul Leftonfitt.com slash live. Oh, I don't mind it. It's fun to be tickled. Okay. I'll tell you again. I don't know why people hate it so much. It's great.

Yeah. I don't really have a plug right now. I don't think. I mean, besides, I'm doing shows, you know, around and about. You should see what they are on my Instagram. And you've got shows that are online.

And my shows are online on Dynasty Typewriter.com. If you want to watch old shows. Lauren and I've done a bunch together. Check them out. We have our two-person shows that we've done. Honestly, if you want to see some weird insane shit from quarantine times. Oh, my God. Lauren and I did these shows over Zoom.

It was some very weird times were had. Really weird times. Really weird times. All right. Well, if you want to hear ad-free versions of the show, you can go to Stitcher Premium or CBBWorld.com. And if you would like to send us a three-cher like Luke did, why don't you write to 3MUSA at e-mail.com. you can also leave us a phone message, a voicemail. Some people call them at Hague claims 8.

And follow us on Instagram, 3DM USA. Yes. Yeah. All that stuff. And look for our shirt coming soon. And buy the comedy thing. The Redem is the greatest podcast. The wearer.

The wearer believes the shirt. Yes. Oh, we need that. We need that. We definitely need that. So look for that. Those should be out in the market in the next 48 hours. Today.

Yeah, exactly. Tight turn around. Yeah. Tight turned around on that. All right, we'll see ya. Bye. Bye. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads?

Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David DeCovny, the Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show

feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe. Make Life Suck Less with fewer ads with Lemonada Premium.