Threedom - Threevisiting: Minnie Is a Size Queen

Episode Date: March 4, 2025

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss Gen X mind hacks and unsolicited advice before playing Money Pweeze! Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, Georgia. Hi, David. What do you think the world needs more of? Well, the world always needs more podcasts. Didn't you used to have a podcast? Not only did I used to have a podcast, Georgia. It's coming back! David Tennant does a podcast with.

Season 3 is coming at ya! Okay, and who are your guests? Who are my guests? What about Russell T. Davis? What about Jamila Jamil? What about Stanley the Tooch Toochie? So it's really just you hanging out with your mates then? Yeah.

Come join me. David Tennant does a podcast with. Bye. Every week on Talk Easy with Sam Fragoso, I'm Sam Witherway, I invite an actor, author or filmmaker to come to the table and speak from the heart in ways you probably haven't heard them on the record before.

Some of my favorites are with Tom Hanks, Margaret Atwood, and Pedro Pascal. In recent weeks, I sat with Joaquin Phoenix, Mikey Madison, and Jesse Eisenberg, and only two of them gave me a panic attack. New episodes come out every Sunday morning, wherever you get your podcast. Freedom! Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I know why, from our singing? Or the fact that I said Zoomdom. By the way that I use my walk, Scott, did you say Zoomdom? I did say Zoomdom, I'm so not. You are a little rascal. Un mascalzone. I'm one of the original little rascals.

Wow. Yes, you're a thousand years old. Are any of them still alive? They're all dead, right? Oh, I hope Alfalfa is dead. You hope they're all dead? Yep. Do you know how he died? Alfalfa, Karl Schweitzer, I hope Alfalfa is dead. You hope they're all dead? Yep. Do you know how he died?

Alfalfa, Karl Schweitzer, do you know how he died? Did he eat his own hair? I was gonna say his hair speared into a wall and he couldn't get out. Yeah, and he was a skeleton. Oh wow. He's like the rhino from Spider-Man? The Phryno.

So what really happened? He's much like the Ph Prino from Spider-Man. He was stabbed to death. That's not funny. Over at gambling pit. It's kind of funny because it's out there. What year was it? He was 11.

I think it was in like the 50s or something. But that would be, he was 11. No, no, no, because those movies were made in like the 30s. Yeah, they were in the 30s, yeah. They're from the 30s? The going, going, going? They're from almost a hundred years ago. But, but, but, but I mean my 30s.

I honestly don't think I knew that. Yeah, they're ancient. I think I thought they were from the 50s. Are we coming up on the 100th anniversary of the Little Rascals, the centennial? Dying? Oh. Now is the time to celebrate them. How are we gonna celebrate this?

Now is the time. We here at Freedom want to celebrate the centennial of the Little Rascals. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna do a rewatch podcast. Oh no. Newcomers. No, it's a rewatch, we're all experts.

We practically were a part of it. And we will talk about every single episode, every movie and the new iterations and so on and such. I could not think of a more dreary thing to do. I can. Even when I was a kid, I didn't like them. I liked them, they didn't have a whole house or no. I liked the new one when they had Darla

and she was like, hmm. Everyone had a crush on Darla and she used her powers to manipulate them. This is why representation matters because Lauren likes Darla. That's right. There's something fucked up though about being a five year old that everyone thinks is the best

cutie little cutie pie. Like that must be confusing. It was, it was really difficult for me. Yeah. I didn't mind it. Welcome to freedom, by the way. Yeah, what do we got? Oh, you know what? I have a thing I wanted to bring to the table,

but I'll find it. Oh, you're bringing something to the table, like an appetizer? Oh, wait, is this new business? It's new business. I'm putting it in the minutes, yeah. Oh my God, the last time we had Lauren's topics, it was so momentous.

It was earth shaking. What happened? We announced that you are having a baby. That's not the last topic I've had. Was that the last Lauren's topics? That's the last Lauren's topics. It's certainly the one you talk about the most. Oh my God.

I'm sure I have more topics than that. You've brought up topics since then, but we've never had Lauren's topics since then. So this is very exciting. Yeah. But anyway, welcome to freedom. You want to introduce yourself? Yeah. My name is Zoom Scott.

Yes, welcome to freedom, Lauren. My name is Zoom Paul, I guess. My name is Zoom Lauren. I mean, that's just, look, we had to be on Zoom for personal technical difficulties and you just have to accept it. So- Lauren, if you could be speed racer for one day, where would you drive? Does he drive like really, really, really fast?

Yeah, Lauren. Wait, are you like, would you run errands? Is that what I want to know? I'd go to the good target at the Empire Center. What's the thing you can't do in your regular car that you could do if you had Speed Racer's car? I would drive to New York in one minute. Wow, that would be awesome.

Is his car that fast? Probably not. How about the Flash? Well, I mean, if he lived a minute away from New York, it would be. Oh my gosh, on the Oscars, everyone's talking about it, but I want to talk about it some more. When they showed the Flash entering the Speed Force.

Do you know how weird that was considering there was a lifetime achievement award handed out? We didn't see that, but we watched clips from movies randomly smattered over the years. I was like, what am I looking at? It was like a matrix clip. They, they, they didn't really announce what they were. They just like throw these clips up on the screen and they were

count down. They, they throw them up on the screen. They throwed them. They throwed them up on the screen. They trod them. They trod them up on the screen. Okay. I want to, I want to, I want to talk to you about this. This Twitter thread.

This is officially, this is officially Lauren's topics. This is, it's a Twitter thread. Lauren's topics. It's not, I don't know. I don't know that it's viral yet. Um, it's on its way. Let's make it so Picard.

It has a lot of likes, but it's not really killing it in the tweets and quotes. However, the number is rising. Picard's catchphrase about making Twitter threads viral. Yes. Okay, so. Mash that like and subscribe button. A person I follow who is part of Generation X,

which is your generation. Retweet for agree, quote for no. Dece Generation. is your generation. Retweet for agree, quote for no. Desegeneration! Rule! One generation! Next generation!

Pass the Ducci on the left hand side. Okay. The Ducci! That was on a soundtrack. Starring James Franco. Which soundtrack? Possibly Austin Powers, is that possible? Whatever it was, I listened to it a lot. It's possible.

Okay. I think I have those soundtracks and I don't believe it's on there. Google it. But you know what, I have to say, Laura, and I was very proud when you came in with the next line because I thought it would just be me and Paul doing stuff we know.

Meanwhile, Paul didn't know what we were talking about. I never do. Wow. Paul's guessing every single time he ever. I've been playing along. Paul actually is guessing, but he guesses 97% of the things right. Yeah.

Listen to me. Um, this is. Lauren, I want to talk over you. About Gen X. Okay. You are part of Gen X. Am I right? Who's.

I know I am. Who's Jennifer X. Uh, it's Jennifer Lopez's maiden name. This is a thread. Maiden name. After she, before she married George Lopez. So Rebecca Metz, who's somebody that I follow, who I've done many shows with at UCB, she, she sounded off on this as a Generation X member.

In the comments? Yeah. She sounded off on this as a Generation X member. In the comments? Yeah, she said, I too assumed this dude was full of shit, and he knew I would think that. This is quite good, actually, okay? So this is what he thinks about Generation X. This is a guy named Michael Gurdley at Gurdley. Generation X is weird.

These 42 to 57 year olds are so strange, it presents golden opportunities. Here are 10 mind hacks to use with Gen X. Oh. Mind hacks? Like hacking into our minds to control them? Is that what he said? Yeah. Don't mind hack me, bro. Before we start, I'll be generalizing. Not every Gen X will think this way. Generalizing X. Especially those Gen Xers born closer in age to either boomers, born 1946 to 64 or millennials, born 1981 to 96. But these tricks will work with most.

Let's go. These tricks, what the fuck? Gen X hates what you do, when you do this, but there's no law against it. One trick. One, motivate Gen X with two phrases. Do it your way and don't sweat the rules. Many Gen Xs grew up in divorced single parent homes

so they were forced to be self-reliant and unsupervised early on. They want independence to get it done their way. You don't relate to that one. No, never heard those phrases before. Is he just talking about people right now? Yeah. Okay, next one.

Send your GenX colleagues well-written emails. GenX grew up with email but before SMS or apps. Their teacher stressed correct writing too. Poor grammar drives GenX nuts. No. People older than me send the shortest, weirdest emails. Also, we've gotten, like, I understand that one, but we've gotten so used to that kind of communication that it's like, it's not a thing.

I can't imagine it's a thing anymore. My mom, when she texts me, does like abbreviations that I don't even know what they are. So does my mom. She just makes up abbreviations. Yeah, your mom. Oh, we're getting a late breaking, we're getting a late breaking interruption from Shevin.

What? Shevin has let us know that Pass the Ducci was on the Wedding Singer soundtrack. I did listen to that a lot. The Wedding Singer. Kevin, throw in the chat the soundtrack playlist of the Wedding Singer soundtrack. I did listen to that a lot. Wedding Singer. Kevin, throw in the chat the soundtrack playlist of the Wedding Singer. The soundtrack playlist?

Oh, the Wedding Singer. I was thinking of my best friend's wedding. I was thinking of the wedding planner. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was thinking the jazz singer. Here's Mindhack number three. Pass the duty on the left hand side. I love mind hacks.

Mind hack number three. Acknowledge GenX's emails quickly. They will love you. GenX wants to know who is responsible at all times. They grew up when institutions weren't to be trusted. What? Not my response. Wait, are all of these email based?

When institutions weren't to be trusted or were to be trusted? Weren response. Wait, are all of these email based? When institutions weren't to be trusted or were to be trusted. Weren't. Yeah. Yeah, that unique time. Mind hack number four. Wait, I'm trying to figure this one out though. Okay, so, so corporations are bullshit,

MTV is bullshit. Oh my God, I got an email right away. You like that. So yeah, I don't, how do I know who to trust? Someone who emails me back right away in another corporation. Yeah, I don't understand. By the way, I'm not Gen X.

Everyone likes being emailed back right away. No, I like it when the email sits for a bit because if they write me back right away, then I have to write back right away. Well, that's the thing. Yes, if I'm asking a question and I just need a definitive answer, I wanna get it right away.

But if it's an ongoing conversation, first of all, I will be so slow to either instigate or reply to the initial email. And then the shame builds up. And then- Same, I have someone sitting in my inbox for like weeks, weeks, weeks, and I'm like, oh Lord.

Let's flip that, Paul. No matter what you're doing, email someone back right away. Then they get shamed. Yes, they get shamed. Yeah, we wanna put the shame on them, not on you, Paul. Put the shame on Mame. I have not opened an email without saying I'm sorry

since I think 2002. Wow. Love that. It's the best. Mind hack number four. Focus with GenX on mission and results, not seniority, effort, or hours worked. You'll often hear GenX say,

if someone gets the job done in half the time, that's fine. What? I do say that a lot. Remember when we were just saying the other day, Paul, I was like, hey Paul, if someone gets the job done in half the time, that's fine. Yeah, and I was like,

you took the words right out of my mouth. I was about to say that to you. Why would someone not want that? I don't, because they want to argue about seniority. Okay, five. See, now this to me raises questions about other generations that I guess I didn't, I wasn't aware of that there's some generation

that's way into arguing about seniority. Well, like, boomers might want you to work all the hours to get the thing done. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are we giving boomers these Gen X mind hacks? Oh, no, no, no. We can't give boomers these. The mind hacks are going to the boomers and to the melons.

No, no, no, no. No, I don't want any boomers listening. Boomers, turn off this show. If there's any boomers listening to this and we've done a poll of our oldest audience members, you two better turn this off right now. We've done a good job of pruning the boomers from this show. Gotta prune the boom.

Okay, MindTag number five, allow GenX a balanced life. GenX grew up with workaholic boomer parents. Seeing that, GenX thinks work is part of life, but not why they live. So what? Okay. Well, my generation doesn't want to work is the, you know, stereotype. Is what Kim Kardashian would say.

Exactly, and she works hard. She works so hard. What, how is that a mind hack? Like allow them to have a balanced life. Who are you in this scenario? Yeah. This is a tip for me. So what I'm going to do with this is go,

I shouldn't always talk to them about work. I should talk to them about some other stuff. Are you talking about us? Yeah. Yeah. I also think that these mind hacks should be for Gen Z only. Okay, well here. Because they're more simpatico with us.

Mind hack number six, bond with Gen X as individuals, not as part of a tribe, millennials, or institution, boomers. Institutions from government to marriage showed they couldn't be trusted during Gen X's youth. Even though you trust them. Are you gonna kill me? You gotta understand that they don't.

Fine, there's too many. Here, I'll skip to the too long didn't read. Number seven, be direct. Number, there's too many. Here, I'll skip to the too long didn't read. Number seven, be direct. Number eight, acknowledge they exist. Number nine, expect pessimism. And number 10, expect work life separation. You know what, Lauren?

First of all, I think you have acknowledged that Scott and I exist and that's much appreciated. I try. Although we might be figments of your imagination. Yes, other people might not. I don't know, I've been worried about that, but I think you're real. Lauren, what if you found out that that show

we did the other night, you were the only person on stage? I would honestly believe that. It was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. But it was, in retrospect, or in watching it, I felt like it was really fun. Yes. Not that it wasn't fun in the moment. In retrospect it was fun. No I mean I'm saying in the moment it was very odd. We should describe what we did. We performed at Dynasty Typewriter Theatre with no audience again but we had the cameras

roving around the theatre following us to different locations. We did, all the scenes were just super weird because we were like in these weird, it was just a different, it was just different. It was just different. And I really liked it, it had a- Groundbreakers. It was a little yellow and different. And what we do is we shake up the systems

and we break the paradigms, which I think- It's very Gen X and it's very millennial. Yeah, it's a combo of the two generations. The normal places are not to be trusted, so I'm glad you didn't perform there. That's what I had to tell Lauren. It's hard because I consider it work to do a show with you, but I also consider it life, but it's kind of perfect for me

because I like a work life balance. And I want to thank you for allowing me to have both work and life. Yeah, I really am glad I was able to do that for you. Yeah, because that's what the show was. It was a job, but I was also alive. Yeah, it was really interesting though with the camera guys, because when I watched it back,

they were doing stuff that I didn't realize. Like there was a part, I don't know if you saw this part, like when we're in the- Oh, where they were flipping us off? Where they were sitting behind us. So it was like, it was the back of our heads. Yes. That was cool.

Yeah, I really liked it a lot. Yeah. I liked it a lot too. I want to do it again. It was French overs? our heads. That was cool. Yeah, I really liked it a lot. I liked it a lot too. I wanna do it again. It was French overs? Yeah. It was French overs. Scott, do you wanna be in it?

Yeah. There were dirty singers. He does? He wants to be in it, Paul. I knew he'd admit it. Yeah, he'd admit it. Oh wait, that wasn't an invite? You're just wondering if I...

No, it was a poll. It was a poll. You can be our special guest. We used a Gen X mind hack on you, stupid. Oh, damn it, you fucking boomer. There was a comment when I was watching it back, because they show, like on the live stream, when you watch it later,

you can see the comments that were floating in in real time. And there was one that said, I understand why Scott says no. I saw that. And I was like, sure to. And I said, I understand why Scott says no. I saw that. And I was like, And I said, eat my shit. Eat my asshole where the shit lives. Eat my asshole dry.

Do you think eat my shorts, the famous quote of Bart Simpson. Oh, was that a, that was like a censored version of eat my shit? Yes. Whoa, I never thought about that. I thought that was rude enough. I thought that was rude enough, eat my shorts.

What's don't have a cow supposed to be? Oh. What's what a Rue McCallahan? Rue McCallahan, what's don't have a cow? McCallahan. Don't have a cow, man. What is that? I mean, that's just great writing, you know?

I guess, you know, it's like the typical expression is, hey, don't have a baby about it. And then imagine if this person is so upset. Don't have a baby about it. And then imagine if this person is so upset. Don't have a baby about it? Well, that's why we were lied to them. Yeah. That's what we were hoping with you, Lauren, is that you wouldn't have a whole baby about this.

Well, I couldn't help it. Rawr. Do you know what, Lauren, and I hope this isn't weird to say, but I was hoping you would give birth to like a lamb baby like in the movie Lamb. Look, there was a chance that could happen. There's, I think one of the weirdest parts

about being pregnant is that you cannot fathom that there's an actual baby that's going to die. Well, it's because there should be little windows on the stomach. Yeah, and they don't have those. And I think we'll evolve and we'll get there where the stomach is clear so we can look in there and go like, oh, that's what you look like

before they come out. Yeah, absolutely. We have windows on the soul, you know what I mean? Yeah, like eyes, yeah, exactly. Eyes are what? Just the soul. Yeah. Yeah, what if there were just like some eyes

in your belly button? Chicken soup for the teenage, exactly. Did you read Chicken Soup for the Soul? No, I did not. I feel like. I had the teenage one. Someone gave it to me for some weird reason. I can't remember why.

You were bumming them out? Cause it was the nineties. Oh right. And they were an unimaginative person? Yeah. Every day in the nineties, someone who would give you chicken soup for the soul. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like that book, like there are certain books that just scream that time period and another one is, don't sweat the small stuff or something. What is that just scream that time period. And another one is Don't Sweat the Small Stuff or something. What is that one? Yeah. Yeah. And it's all small stuff.

Yeah, exactly. Spoiler. Bridges of Madison County. Yeah. Eat, Pray, Love. Is that what it says on the last page of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff? What to expect when you're expecting? Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and it's all small stuff?

The Joy of Sex. The Joy of Sex. I'm curious about. The Bible. Has anyone read The Joy of Sex? And if so, can you tell me all the spoilers? Our bodies, ourselves. Did you ever like look at one of those books when you were a kid?

My friend had a puberty book that we looked at. A puberty book. It was a puberty book. You put the puberty book. It was a puberty book. You put the puberty book onto my bookshelf. You put puberty into my book. I just remember one of the key things, it was all drawings that looked really 70s. Yes.

And one of the key pages that stands out in my memory was the one where it showed all these different women in their different colored pubes. Oh, nice. Oh, no! What were the, let's list the colors. There's flaxen. What does that mean?

There's flaxen and amber and red and green and silver and blue. Why? Did they think, were they trying to let you know, don't worry, it'll match. Well, because if you were in the locker room or something, then you're like, she's got red pubes, and then you're like, you know.

You couldn't make the connection that she had red hair? It's nice to know in advance. Oh, it's in case they dye their hair, and then you know secrets about them. It's a pubac. I mean, you know what, I don't know, it's just the only page I remember. Yeah, I already, you know what? I don't know, it's just the only page I remember. Hmm.

Yeah, I already told you about the book that my parents had. Yeah. Of like your pub collection? Yeah, it was a script book. Crested into a book, yeah. No, the one that was all about sex and that the hack that they gave to a woman who just got married and is about to have sex and has to have oral sex

for the first time is to imagine the penis as a little tiny version of the man. That's the worst advice I've ever heard in my life. We all know it's- That would make me laugh. We all know it's gonna be gross and that, you know, sucking on a penis is terrible. Imagine you're sucking your husband's whole body. You're like, what?

Imagine you're a giantess, and you have his life in your hands. You could swallow him whole and shit him out. That's so sick. It's really weird. Just the idea that, now of course, no one could ever enjoy this, it's impossible. And you're gonna have to do it, and I hate it.

It's one of the unpleasantnesses of life. I remember, I've told you guys before about the Book of Lists, which was a favorite book of mine when I was a kid, that was a big 80s book. What was it a list of, I can't remember. It was a collection of lists. It was just like all this esoteric. It wasn't just one long list?

No, it wasn't the Book of List. And it was, I tried actually, after we talked about it, this was like season one I wanna say of our show. I found hardcover copies online, I was gonna send them to you. And then they just never came, and I had to chase the people down for a refund. They're like, oh yeah, sorry, we didn't have those books.

I'm like, maybe you could have told me. It was like months and months. That is crazy. Yeah. And it was disappointing. It was disappointing. Where did you find them? The books? No, the people that you chased down. They were on my ceiling. Okay, so you're insane. I was about to fall asleep and I looked up and I got you. Give me my money for those books. I might have told you about this, but during the pandemic, which rage is on, I, um, I think it's over. It's completely over. I ordered this.

I saw this Instagram ad for this really big squishy seal, like the animal. And it was like, wait, I've seen this one. I've seen it. Like a stuffed, like a big stuffed seal. It's like a big squishy pillow. They show like a kid laying on it and it's so big. He looks so happy. And everyone loves it and everyone's squishing it and stuff.

And I was like, I need this. The whole family's gathered around. This is what's gonna make my pandemic feel better. Grandma puts on her glasses. Absolutely. So I ordered it and it took a long time. And then one day I got a package in the mail and it was a very tiny white plastic envelope.

I ripped open and it was the seal. And it was a piece of shit carnival toy that was like so small. It was nothing to do with the images that they put on mine. But did they just find the tiniest human and put them on the seal for the picture? I mean, it was a pure scam and I was pretty upset but it was also kind of hilarious.

Did you get money back from it or were you just like, I got got? No, it was like 20 bucks and it was like, it came from very far away and I was like, there's just no way I'm ever gonna track down this situation, so I just ate it. I wonder how many other people did this. I'm sure so many people, it was so funny. What if it was just you and they were like,

we got one! We got one, it's worth it. Burn the factory down. They shrunk one on accident, so they sent it to me. Well thank you, buyer beware, I'm glad I know not to order that seal. But then I've seen them on different sites and they're like real.

Yeah. So it was like somebody just used the picture in the other ad. Maybe you didn't order the right one. You should order another one. I should order it again and just see what happens. Keep ordering it. Oh my God.

One thing that's really funny is like Stephanie Allen always messes up the size of things that she's ordering. So they're either huge or really small. And it's just very funny. She'll like get an order in the mail and then it's like 10 times bigger than what she thought it was or very small. Anyway, that's the rest of it.

There are many, I love stories like that when you see people post them that they accidentally ordered doll furniture or whatever. I can't believe this office chair is such a good deal. And they will take a picture of it in the space in front of this desk. It's so good. The best one was Emily Heller had ordered a welcome mat that was supposed to look like, it was supposed to be AstroTurf. And when she got it, it was just printed

a picture of AstroTurf onto it. Fantastic, fantastic. Just garbage. Oh my God. This is why we don't trust institutions, Lauren. Yes, you're getting the whole thing. This is a mind hack for me. We had Columbia Records and Tape Club,

and that was a big... I did use that. Oh, did you really? Is it still around? It can't be. No, we ordered from that when we were kids, and I don't know whoever, I think it was a penny. I don't think anyone ever paid.

Like it was like, we got, unless we like put my parents' credit card in, we're... No, you never had to put a credit card in. Right, so how did that... They would just, they would send you bills through the mail. It was like they would try, they would send you bills through the mail. It was like they would try to- And then you just never paid them.

Yeah. But I feel like they would go through collection agencies or somehow, you know, but like using your address. I should ask my parents if they remember because I remember we got some CDs, we got CDs like a few times for a penny. Which ones? What were your favorites?

Well, the one I recall is Jurassic Park soundtrack and Little Mermaid soundtrack. I don't listen to soundtracks. Oh! So when you were a kid and you were listening to the Jurassic Park soundtrack and it was going, da, da, na, na, na, na, na, na, or whatever it goes. Bosty, dachy, bondy, left, left, left, left, left, left,

left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, East generation where you like, someday,

I'm gonna be in a movie with those fucking dinosaurs. Well, and that was, we did use to dance around the living room to that, not to put my brother on blast, but that um, that is, that's why I took him to the premiere though. Cause it was very fun. It was like very surreal. We were like walking in and it was like, so the music playing. I'm so awesome. Very exciting. Why is Janie calling me? It's cool. Janie's calling Paul. Deedee deedee deedee deedee dee. Janie's calling Paul. Hello? Put her on speaker. I want a divorce. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm recording Freedom right now. Well, I want it now. I can't divorce you now. I'm not kidding you. I'm so sorry, honey. Is there no sparking on the street? No sparking on the street? No sparking on the street, so I'm moving away.

Oh, hold on one second. Hold on one second. Fuck you. What was that? You said fuck you to me? Hey, Janie. I love you. Janie, who are you talking to?

I'm hopping on the motorcycle. Whee. I love you, I love you, man, Zookus. She was cracking up. I love Janie. I do too. Love that woman. I love you. I love you. I love you. Love Janie.

I do too. Love that woman. Lover. Lover to bits. To little tiny bits. Okay. Speaking of little tiny bits, we have to take some little tiny bits of commercials and listen to them now. Okay, I hope so.

Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens and just see. I mean, it's a grand experiment. We might have a little tiny bits and we might have just a little bloobly bloop. I don't trust institutions. But trust these ones because they're smart enough to advertise on this show. Na ga da. Na ga da.

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on your order and 365 day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash freedom to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash three. Are you angry at us? No, I love that they can return it for a whole year. Okay, it never happens. Ready to optimize your nutrition this year. Factor has chef made gourmet meals that make eating well easy. They're dietitian approved and ready to heat and eat in two minutes so you can feel right and feel great no matter what life throws at you. Factor arrives fresh and fully prepared, perfect for any active busy lifestyle with 40 options across eight dietary

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podcast again? Factor podcast. And we're back. I know I am. I'm also present. And guys, I went to the dermatologist today. Oh no skin graft. Yeah. It was, I was getting that face off surgery. Good.

Where they were going to take your face off. That's the very same. Yes. Who's face to switch with? Yeah. With, uh, who is that who sang I Dreamed a Dream on that one show? I dreamed a dream of that one.

Anne Hathaway? No, I wish. Oh my God, no, Susan Boyle. Oh, Susan Boyle and she was ugly, but she could sing. That was her whole thing. I'm so ugly. I am positive we've talked about this,

but how fucked up was that? That everyone's like. It was so fucked up. She walks out and everyone's like, yeah, right, she's gonna be able to sing. I can't wait to boo this old bag. And then she's saying, they're like, holy shit. Holy fucking shit.

I'm gonna kill myself. They purposely dressed her down and everything. They put her in like a brown sack. Yeah, they smeared mud on her face. They wheeled her out in a brown sack. Yeah. Yeah. They smeared mud on her face. They wheeled her out in a garbage can. Big disgrace. They're like two big guys, emptied out a garbage can. She came crashing out of it.

She was like, I was sleeping. Banana peels and lettuce were falling on her head. She came right from Nickelodeon where they slimed her. Oh, slimed her. And then the whole audience was like, Oh, it stinks in here. And she went, sorry, that's me love. Everyone's doing this, waving their hand in front of their nose, the entire time. I hope you can't see me stink lines.

Okay. So I went to the dermatologist. Suicid boy. What'd they tell you? So, uh, first of all, very, very odd. Did you get diagnosed as a butter face? Yep, I'm Asian butter face. No, it was almost the opposite, Paul, because.

I have five bad nudes. Oh! The opposite, they said you were so handsome. But your body sucks. Body face. Your body face. Hey're a body face. Hey, Dr. Body Face. Butter your butter body.

No, so I'm wearing a mask, but I'm in my underwear. Was it me undies as told by Coolop on her... As told by Coolop. As revealed by Coolop. As revealed by Coolop. But so the doctor walks in with someone else who's just kind of like hanging. Who's his girlfriend? And he's like. Hey sorry, we're about to go out to dinner.

Can I just see your ass crack? Can I eat your ass crack? I said see it, not cheat. See, she said to see. But can I eat your ass crack? I'm so sorry. Can I eat your ass crack dry as an appetizer? I said, see it. See it. She said, see it. Can I eat your ass crack? I'm so sorry. Can I eat your ass crack dry as an appetizer? Was always like, he's like, okay, you're here for mole check.

All right, great. He's like, can I pour a drink down your ass crack like an ice loosh? Hey, you have any Hollandaise sauce allergies, do you? Splat. Blarf. So he's like, okay, you're here for mole check. Okay, this looks good.

He punches you in the balls. Mole! Mole check! So he looks everything over. Okay, this looks good. He punches you in the balls. Mold! Say what? Mold check! So he looks everything over, he's like, this looks good, I just want to set the listener to ease, everything's fine. This looks good, this looks good, this looks good. He goes, okay, take off the mask.

By the way, he's like, so what do you do for a living? I'm like, a writer. I always say writer because it's easier than explaining podcasting or anything like that. And it doesn't sound like fancy, so people are usually bored. So like, he's like, oh, what do you do for a living? I'm like, oh, writer. So then he's like, okay, take off the mask. I take it off and he goes, so handsome.

No. And I'm like, I started laughing. I go, okay. And he goes, you, you should be in front of the camera. Was this a dream you had? I just was laughing. It was like so over the top, like he was lying or something. Was he wearing a mask? Yeah, I think so. I should have taken off his.

Scott, that was me. What? That was you all? Yes. I wanted to boost your self-esteem. He was wearing a Lone Ranger mask. Yeah, me too. I'm wearing one right now. Oh no. But who was the other person and what did they contribute?

I don't know. And then at one point there were three people in there and I'm just like standing in my underwear. What? And they're like, look at his face, look at his face. Ah. But it was really like, I was like, hey, this mole, I don't know if it's gotten bigger. I just like, I wanted to come in and he's like, no, it's fine.

I was like, so it's not a concern? He's like, well, we'll just take it off. I was like, what? Now? You know what I love when they just do that. He's like, here you go. Then they shot. Here you go, he you go. Yeah. Then they shot. Here you go.

He rips it off with his bare hands. They shot some stuff into it and then he just like, and then, so he's about to do it. I think he's trying to distract me from what he's about to do, which yeah, I see he has like a razor blade in his hand. Did he numb it? She's like a box cutter.

Yeah, it looked like, yeah. And so he's like. Will, please be sick. So he's like. Yeah, it looked like, yeah. And so he's like. Will, please be sick. So he's like. I love it. Hey, what do you think of Will Smith? What do you think of Will Smith? And he's like, what do you think of this slap?

I slapped your mole off. And I go like, I don't care. And he goes, well, I think it's good because think it's good because, because, you know, you shouldn't make fun of someone with a medical condition. I go, and that's why you should slap someone? He's like, yeah, it's good, right? I go, I don't care. Yeah, it's good, right?

I think I don't care is the only response in a situation like that. You can't get into it cause you could be there all day. Yeah. He goes, no, I think it's good. I think, I think he should have done that. I go, yeah, I don't really care. And he goes, okay, okay, you're done.

He thought it was good. What if you'd said, uh, what about first do no harm? Oh, the golden rule. So, so Will Smith, uh, defending someone with a medical condition, but he chooses to slap a man. What would Hippocrates say, doctor? I did get a good one in on him because he made, he made me wait an hour before seeing me in the waiting room.

And when he, when he heard I was a writer, he was like, Oh, are you going to write a movie about this? And I go, Oh yeah, the first hour is going to be me sitting in the waiting room. That's fucking awesome. And then he was like, Oh, well, let me validate that. Duh! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! That's fucking awesome. That is a solid burp. And then he was like,

oh, well let me validate your parking since I made you wait so long. Ha ha ha! Hey, thanks. They would have validated it before. Like they weren't going to. Why don't they just do that all the time? Why is it sometimes?

That's the thing about doctors, they make you wait so long, but the good news is we won't validate your parking. Yeah. When you go to any kind of medical place where they're like, yeah, we won't validate your parking. When you go to any kind of medical place where they're like, yeah, we don't validate parking, it's like, how can you live with yourselves? Why don't you just commit suicide right now?

Yeah, in front of me. Well, it's just like- Commit hot au cutie. Having to pay to park in a parking structure is already kind of stupid. The indignity. If it's connected to a building that is just for one person. This is the earth that we all own.

Yeah, let me park wherever I freaking please. Yeah, but do you know they park like kind of all over the place in Iceland? Really? That you can kind of, like you can't block the street, but you can kind of just like, you know, like sort of put your car half on the sidewalk or whatever. You can park at weird angles.

You know what I love? Yeah, it's funny when you see it. Weird angles, Jankovic? Weird angles, Jankovic. In like Finland or something, I think it's Finland, people just put their babies in the stroller outside the cafe or whatever. Like they just line them up

and the baby's in the stroller and you just go inside and you do your thing and then you come out and take the baby. Well, that's cool there. Wait, and a bunch of babies are sitting out there by themselves? And do they make friends with each other? I don't know, and I don't know necessarily

why you would really wanna do that, but I thought it was interesting how safe it is. I would love to come upon a line of babies and strollers out in front of a cafe. Yeah, and you have to imagine every once in a while one gets swiped. Oh, god damn. I hope they have like a guard.

Oh, taken. No, that's- I thought you meant like a credit card. Every cafe has one baby guard who's there. He's like the Buckingham Palace guard. But that guard is also a baby. Yeah, exactly. In a different stroller.

That one's red. But he is in charge. Yeah. Lauren, are people like, I mean, maybe you're not out there in these streets all that much, but like, do people give you unwanted advice ever when you're like bossing you around or stuff like that? Well, like, so I flew to Atlanta for work with Mike and Holly in November. And the second we got off the plane, an Atlantan woman spoke to us. Atlantan?

And was like, she was very sudden. She said, you got to put socks on that baby. It's code. It's code out here. And then we are like, oh, OK, we're about to or whatever. And then that was kind of like one of those, like the first time I'd ever been talked to, like you need to do this for the baby.

And then when we walked down to the baggage claim, Mike was just standing next to me and Holly. And then a man came up and was like, you're a great father. I was like, what's he doing? I thought he's not, but it's like ignoring me completely. It's like, we need more guys like you. And then like Mike was like, what's he doing? I thought he's not, but it's like ignoring me completely. It's like, we need more guys like you. And then like Mike was like, what? Oh, thanks, he came back and he's like,

no, you're a great father. You're here, you got the baby, you got all the baggage. This is a guy with daddy issues himself. Yeah. That's a classic thing though, right? It's like the dads that get too much credit. The dads talk to the dads, oh. Yeah, it is a classic thing. I to the moms. It is a classic thing.

I feel like I see it online a lot where it's like. There's a lot of Instagram things like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's like, like, dad gets praised for like doing one thing that like. Yeah. He's a super dad, because he played with his child.

Wow, he made dinner. Yeah. Exactly. What? But you know, it's great. He doesn't deserve it. It's great to get, everyone's great, it's just perfect. Look, everyone's great.

Everyone's great, people say what they want. It's fantastic, it's great. He doesn't deserve it. It's great to get, everyone's great, it's just perfect. Look, everyone's great. Everyone's great, people say what they want. It's fantastic, I love it. I would find it, you get it when you have dogs enough, like other dog owners going like, oh hey, you need to do this with your dog, you know. Really? I was not aware of that.

What would they say? You need to get your dog out of my house? Stuff like that? Who let these dogs out? It was mainly the Baja men who were really upset with us. Those guys were huge. But I remember one time we watched a television show, it was maybe like the Dog Whisperer or something like that,

where like one of these hosts was like, hey, you know, instead of constantly bending over and using your hands to like correct your dog or whatever, you can just use your feet and tap the dog with your feet. And like, if he's going, trying to go forward, just stick your foot out and block him and stuff like that. And so we were trying that one day and this couple like pulls over to the side of the road

and shouts out their window and goes, you shouldn't kick your dog. Oh my God. And then squeals away. And all you can think of to say in a situation like that is fuck you. Yeah, absolutely. But then you look like someone who kicks their dog.

Yeah, and screams fuck you and passing motorists. What if you had screamed, he likes it. He's a cock. We're actually following the training of Sir Caesar Milan. But you get that a lot when you're like, you know, dogs interact or whatever. You get like bossy dog owners going like, Oh no, you haven't trained your dog properly. Here's how, here's what you have to do. No, but I definitely know that people get a lot of unsolicited advice.

No, yeah, it's worth, it's worth it for a baby. No, it's worse for a baby is what I have to do. No, but I definitely know that people get a lot of unsolicited advice. No, yeah, it's worth it for a baby. No, it's worse for a baby is what I meant to say. Yeah, I haven't really had that, but you know, the other day I did take her on a long walk in Pasadena. Off a short pier. Mm-hmm, and I walked for a long way around, like just a very populated, you know, there's a lot

of restaurants, people sitting outside, all sorts of things. A man selling ice cream. Yeah. And everyone was smiling and waving at her and they were so happy to see her that I was like, this is great. Like I just like, I felt like everyone was

like, oh my God. And then I would turn around. New life. And they would, they would be like, oh my God. Oh, and then this woman was like, she's picture perfect. Like it was just like a nice little outfit. It was very cute. My doctor is there saying, take your mask down.

Like, you're so handsome. Yeah. I would have that reaction if I saw Holly. If I didn't know Holly and I saw her on the street. Well, and she looks very cute in a little stroller and she had a cute outfit on, a big bow on her head and she was just crushing it. Were you worried when you put the bow on her head

that someone would think she was a present and say, oh my God, thank you so much. And then took her. Yeah, a few people did try to open her. Does Minnie Mouse still have a bow? I don't know, she wears a jean jumpsuit now or something, I think, right? What did they change her to?

They changed her outfit and people were like up in arms. Now she wears a lab coat. She wears what the green Emin&M used to wear. Just boots. She's naked. She's nude with white boots. She's wearing a chocolate shell. She looks exactly like Mickey, right?

But they just wear different clothes? Is there any other difference? She has eyelashes. She has eyelashes, yeah. That's a crucial difference. And technically she has a vagina underneath everything. You could tell. But we never see it. But you could tell.

We never see Mickey's penis, for that matter. Yeah, you just know. Yeah, I mean, they fit together pretty well. She's kind of a size queen. They don't have kids. Oh, speaking of size queen. I know. Why don't they have?

That'd be kind of cute if they were little mice. I'm sure. Well, there's like baby Mickey, baby Minnie. Like those are the baby versions. In the next 100 years, let them have kids, please. Please little mice, I'm sure. Yeah, they should. Well, there's like baby Mickey, baby Minnie, like those are the baby versions. In the next 100 years, let them have kids, please. Please, please, please. Bring us an heir. In the next 120 years.

Bring us an heir. Speaking of size queen though, my sister-in-law. You know what? I told her that I was getting divorced. I'm fucking my sister-in-law. No, my sister-in-law, I was getting her a mattress and I sent getting her a mattress, and I sent her a website where she could pick the mattress,

and she writes back and says, "'Here's the link I want, size queen.'" And I was like, why are you calling me a size queen? I literally was reading it going, what the fuck are you saying? And then Cool Up CC'd on it it. I'm like, what joke is this? I don't understand And I finally read it and was like, oh she wants the size Queen of the mattress Here's the link size Queen I did not get it for so long. Did you tell her? Yeah, yeah.

I wrote back. I was like, I literally thought you were calling me a size queen. You have to call each other that forever from now on. Oh, wait a minute. Kevin, Kevin is Kevin sent us another link. Uh-oh. Oh, thanks. Size Queen.

The tree. Oh, it's just the three them games. Oh, Kevin. We thought this was like a link to some size queen thing. Some funny memes. A size queen forum. There must be size queen memes. Do you remember like when you first got online and you were looking at porn and you were

waiting for it to load? Waiting for the load? When you were waiting for like a picture of Heather Locklear to start appearing. Heather Locklear! We didn't have, we didn't, we had posters that you could buy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean that's a pretty great situation to have a poster of a hot babe on your wall and

you're just like every single night like there's my girlfriend. I mean if you were really serious you put it on the ceiling you know what I'm saying. Nice. Oh yeah! Take it off! That's so sick. Lauren, when you were, like would you try to look up naughty things

when you were a kid? How old were you when you had the internet in your life? I think I was like 10 when it first really started. And then like middle school was when we were really on AOL. Yeah. But I don't recall trying to look up things like that, but I do recall being in chat rooms where you would have conversations like that with people.

And that was always very exciting. Having a sleepover party and then you basically go online like just say crazy shit to strangers. It was very fun. But I mean, presumably most of the people were like, also kids doing that, but there's the gross reality that other people were not. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's sick. It is funny though to think of little kids all doing that to each other. Yeah, it's so funny. It's so weird. Let me smell your penis. Let me smell your penis? Yeah.

Well, you do ASL, you know ASL, like A slash ASL. American Sign Language. No, Age, Sex, Location, so you'd be like. Oh know ASL, like A slash. American Sign Language. No, age, sex, location. So you'd be like. Oh. You'd be like. 23. You'd be like 16F Florida.

And then just like let the party roll. Yeah. Let the party roll. Did you ever meet anyone for real? Or was it just always just crazy shit? No, but I did like, I told my mom like one day, I was like, I made a friend online and we're gonna be pen pals and we gave you

and we gave you our address. My mom was like, no. But nothing happened with that, thank God. But I definitely had friends who did equally. Like I had friends, not like people who I'm friends with now who we've talked about this stuff and they've told me that they met up with people in real life, like dangerous kind of things that happen. Where like your parents wouldn't know

and like you'd go meet up with someone. It's like so scary. No good. Did you have internet friendships that carried on for a long time? Like people that you never met? Yeah, there were a couple people, that's really funny. I don't think about it much, but there were a couple

of people that I didn't ever know who they were. But it's like someone that I met in a chat room or something, and then we'd talk all the time. And then it's just like, you feel like you get to know them pretty well. And then there were certain people from school where you wouldn't really talk in person, but you would talk online because it was like you were more like chat buddies. And then in real life, like either you were too nervous or there was like weird chemistry or like whatever,

but it was like, but you're really good online. Like maybe they were a soche. Yeah, a soche. Was it like a secret kind of relationship or was it? No, it was more just like, this doesn't translate to here. Like I don't know why, it's a school. In the metaverse, we are great friends. Yeah, yeah.

Oh man, I can't wait to be there. But it was always fun with those people, when you'd be like, get online, and be like chatting with someone, and we'd just spend our whole lives online. Right after school, get online and instantly, see who signs on, and then we got bullied online. All sorts of shit went down.

I mean, the three of us have a text chain, which is sort of like this. You bully me on it. Yeah, and I feel more comfortable talking to you there than you. Scott, you're the biggest bully on that text chain, and you really on it. Yeah, and I feel more comfortable talking to you there than you. Scott, you're the biggest bully on that text chain. What? And you really know it.

You're so mean. You're mean. This is how mean I am. Hey, when should we record again? I know, it's so shitty of you. But you're not describing the little gift sticker that you attached, which was a middle finger. Oh, that's true.

Should we take a break and come play a three-cher? I think we, I don't know. I've really been weighing this decision. attached, which was a middle finger. Oh, that's true. Should we take a break and come play a three-chair? I think we, I don't know. I'm, I've really been weighing this decision. Yeah. I, I was talking to my pastor about this, this morning and saying, I knew, I knew this moment was going to come up. It was going to come.

I was like, what should I do? And he told me to pray on it. And what God told me, I think, was that we should take a break and then come back and play a three-chart. Okay, so that actually, like God spoke through you. I mean, it's not like I didn't hear a voice or anything, but I- You just feel it. That's the feeling that I have after praying on it.

Yeah. Okay. I mean, I pray all night. I disagree, but I'm outvoted at this point, so. Well, should have talked to your pastor. I put up a poll on Twitter begging people to tell us whether we should ever take a break. Please, I'm begging you. No one will respond to this poll.

No votes, no votes. No votes? So I just have to go with what you guys say. So I'm just gonna go with, let's take a break. Yeah, right. Okay. Thanks God. All right, God, we'll take your break. All right, God.

We'll be right back. Hi, I'm Emily Deschanel. And I'm Karla Gallo. And we're here to bring you Boneheads. The official Bones rewatch podcast. 16 years ago, we met on the set of the TV show Bones and have been friends ever since. I played Dr. Temperance Brennan and I played Daisy Wick. We're starting from the top and working our way through all 246 episodes.

This show lasted a very long time. Very long. Tune in every Wednesday to laugh with us, to cry with us, to cringe with us and hear all our juicy behind-the-scenes stories. Boneheads from Lemonada Media is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. ... Want a sneak preview of hot new audiobooks? Then check out Your Next Listen, a new podcast from Lemonada Media and Simon & Schuster Audio.

We've got everything, the hottest new thrillers, bestselling celebrity memoirs, and swoony romances. And these aren't tiny clips either. There are entire chapters you can listen to. Your Next Listen is out November 11th, wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back and it's time for a Three-Chir. Lauren, pretend we're not back. And these... Oh no, we're not back? I haven't agreed to be back and I'm actually texting your pastor to ask if it's okay.

Yeah, I'm not back. I never said that I would come back. Who's that? Who's that? This is a different guy. This is a tall. What are you looking at? I'm a grownup. I was wondering. Are we taking calls? How much underwear do you have in your house?

One pair? I don't know. What joke is that? You just go, uh? Just like, I don't know what kids, like there's a certain age where kids don't have a grasp on what constitutes like a crank call. Yeah, just not meaning what you're saying constitutes. And it's just like getting somebody to say a thing

that you think is naughty. Yeah. All right, what's the game, Scott? All right, well this is- Please tell us. People submit these somewhere, I don't know where, but- FreedomUSA at gmail.com. Okay, sure, whatever you say, Paul. Hey, don't humor me.

Whatever you say. Well, whatever you say, Paul, go with a boomer. Whatever you say, boomer. Whatever you say, Gen-Xer. This is called, by the way, this is submitted by Ben. Okay. We don't have a last name. And the two of us need look no more.

We both found what we were searching for. Yeah, wait, who sings that? Michael Jackson, our old buddy. It's about Ben? It's about a rat. It's about a rat. Name Ben. Excuse me? It's from the movie Willard,

which is all about Crispin Glover being friends with rats. No, but it's from the original Willard. No. Yes. Michael Jackson was singing in the future. One time I was near Crispin. I forgot about that. Can I tell this story? No, but it's from the original Willard. No. Yes. Michael Jackson was singing in the future. One time I was near Crispin. Have I told this story? No, what? I don't know, tell it.

Crispin. And then we'll tell you. Crispin. Glover? It all sounded wrong when I was listening to it. Crispin. Crispus Abbot, the first person killed in the Revolutionary War. I have a deja vu actually.

You're having deja vu about Crispin Glover? Yeah, because I was trying to say Crispin and I was like Crispin, Crispin Glover. Who's got the Crispin? And it sounded wrong and I just felt like that happened before and maybe this has all happened before. But I witnessed him talk about a money issue on the phone. I miss you.

I was sitting in like a room waiting to do an interview with Mario Lopez. Wait, he was interviewing you or you were interviewing him? He was interviewing me. Oh, that's so cool. Who would interview Mario Lopez? So how's interviewing going?

I would ask him about Stay By The Bell. How do you like standing in the room? I was sitting in a room waiting to go do it and then Crispin was pacing outside the room talking about some money trouble. Not money trouble but like a problem that was. I feel like you've talked about this very recently. I do think that, not recently, but okay someone will. That's why you have deja vu I think because I remember, if I remember it it would have been relatively recently.

I need you to take money out of checking and put it in savings. If Crispin Glover's name comes up I'm mentioning that story, that's just my only story about him but he's so good and back to the future. He's so good. And he's so good on Letterman. I'm strong, I can kick. Yeah. On Letterman?

He was wearing a wig, yeah. There was a famous Letterman clip where he was being weird on purpose, and he kicked in the air and it was very close to Dave's head, and then he was banned from the show for a while. He basically, Letterman just like stood up and walked away, and then when you came back, he wasn't there anymore. And Chris McClubber took over the show.

And it was his show for about seven years or something? It was wild. They still call it Late Night with David Letterman. But with Chris McClubber. Yes. Okay, this is called Money Please, Money Please. And we're gonna have to get our phones out and text each other because-

Oh, fuck, I love these. One of us is a parent who is short on cash and can only give one of their two children their allowance this month. The other two are gonna try to convince the parent to give them the money by explaining what they plan to spend their allowance on. However, what they want to purchase will be decided by the other player. So the more absurd, the better. Players make their pitch to

the parent and whatever child the parent decides to give their money to wins. Okay. What is that again? Jaws. I opened my phone and I fell into it. So did I. Yeah. Literally I'm spiraling into this. I don't know what you said. I had unread texts and guess what? I read them.

Let me do it in layman's terms. Thank you. Please. I've been laid. We're going to take turns being the parent. Say I'm the parent right now. Okay. You're the parent.

I can only afford to give one of you your allowance this week. That's not good. I'm broke as fuck. We're the children. Yeah, you're the children. You guys are going to petition me and say what you want to use the allowance for. Great.

This is a lot like King Lear. Okay. So I have to. The very Shakespearean. Who assigns, we assign each other the thing that we want? Yes. So like you have to assign each other a stupid thing, but then you each have to passionately defend

why you want this thing. And then I'll decide who I give the money to based on the merits of your argument. Because this is a meritocracy. This is a meritocracy, yes. I will not be basing this on your gender or your race. Now you guys are reading your texts. No, I'm texting him.

No, I'm texting him, I'm trying to think of a thing. I know. Oh man, Janie's texted a lot on our other thread. She's really upheld me. Is this what you fell into? Did it. Great. Paul's done it. Paul's locked in.

Me now. Lauren has texted me and now she's texting someone else. I've got it. Okay. All right. All right. Children. Children. Daddy. Children.

Daddy, daddy, we love you daddy. Daddy, we love you daddy. Daddy, I love you the most daddy. Do you love me children? I love you the most daddy. Daddy, I love you daddy. I love you the most daddy. Daddy, we love you the most daddy.

I love you daddy.. I love you the most, daddy. I love you, daddy. I need to know the lengths and boundaries of your love, children. I need the allowance for me, daddy. Daddy, I need the allowance. I love you to the north, south, east and west, daddy. What? Those are all the directions. I have bad news.

I love you to the who, what, where, why and how. The reporter's questions. Yes, daddy. Daddy, why, and how. The reporter's questions. Yes, Dutty. Dutty, wait, what is the problem? Dutty, wait, what is the problem? Dutty. I got laid off of work, as you know. You got laid?

I got laid, yeah. Would have been great if I had stopped there. What's up, Dutty? Off at work. No, Dutty, no, Dutty, no, Dutty. I got laid off at work, children. No, at the factory factory? At the factory factory.

We make so many factories. How many factories did you make before the layoff, Daddy? No one wants factories anymore. I made 300,000 factories. But no one wants to work, Daddy. No one wants to work. Kim Kardashian's right. People need to work harder and just work, bitch.

Thank you. Daddy, work. You gotta work, bitch. Daddy, Daddy. Daddy, so wait, what does this mean for us, daddy? Yes, what about our allowance, daddy? Now I could split, I have only enough money for one allowance. I could split that in twain and give you each half an allowance.

Unacceptable, daddy. Unacceptable, daddy. That's okay, because my thing is too expensive. My thing is too expensive as well. I'm going to give you, one of you, your allowance, but I need to know. It's me, daddy. It's me, daddy. Give it to me, daddy.

But I really got to know, are you going to go my way? Let it go, daddy. Yes. What do you think of his blended family with Jason Momoa, first of all? Beautiful daddy. It's beautiful, daddy. I need something very big, daddy.

OK, you, the small one. It is a very important thing for me. What do you need? A hard pretzel subscription. Hard pretzel subscription? What, okay, tell me what you need this for. Every month I will receive a hard pretzel. How hard?

And it will be from a different region. How hard? Very hard, sourdough hard. That hard? From a different region. How hard? Very hard, sourdough hard. That hard? But sometimes not sourdough because it's only one month. So how many pretzels do you receive per month? Every month I get one. Just one per, and how big?

Very, very small. Like a rolled gold pretzel almost? Like a rolled gold pretzel daddy, please. And how much is this? It's so hard it breaks my teeth. Why do you want broken teeth child? Daddy, a year's subscription is my allowance for one month. Well, that's a good value.

One year for one month? That it's very tempting. And why I've never seen you eat a pretzel. Why do you want to eat pretzels? Shut the fuck up! I'm talking to her. But is she saying that it's one year of her allowance for one month of pretzels?

No, the opposite, you wicked child. I spent one month of the allowance and get a whole year because each pretzel is so small and hard and they're being sent by little mice. It's a mouse company, daddy. No daddy, no daddy. Wait, so it's a mouse company, not a pretzel is so small and hard, and they're being sent by little mice. It's a mouse company, daddy. No daddy, no daddy. Wait, so it's a mouse company, not a pretzel company. They collect pretzels in their little mouse hole

and they send them out monthly. Daddy, give me. Okay, so wait, is it a technology company? Is there an app? Elon Musk is the star. The star. The star. No daddy, no.

Show business terms for CEO. Daddy, no! He's above the line? Daddy, give me the fucking money! Okay, you, you, you. The big one. Daddy, daddy, I need the allowance. I need the allowance so I can buy a school bell.

What do you need? A school bell? Yes daddy, a school bell. A school bell, what do you mean? Like the kind that says when you're late or when you're? Yes, Daddy, then I can control the classes. I can decide what happens, Daddy. I need it, Daddy, please, Daddy. Man was not meant to play God.

Daddy, I'm not a man, I'm a boy. Nobody, there's nothing in the playbook that says a boy can't play God. They're boat rules for children and God. Please, Daddy, please, Daddy. What would you do with this? No, Daddy, no, he doesn't need this. What would you do with this?

Daddy, I would make it so that the classes were all one minute long, Daddy. And the school day would be over by 8.30. That's very tempting for you, perhaps, but I would have to babysit you the rest of the day. No, Daddy, no you wouldn't because we would just hang out in the school until the regular time the school ends, but we could do whatever we want, Daddy. What do you want to do instead of learn?

I want to stand on the desk and do a poem, Daddy. Which poem? Please, Daddy, please, Daddy. Walt Whitman. Oh, Captain, my Captain, Daddy, please, Daddy, please. I sing the body electric, Daddy. You would do those dirty limericks I've been hearing you recite.

Please Daddy, there was once a man from Nantucket, Daddy. I wouldn't do it in school. But Daddy, what happens next, Daddy? Daddy, I need the allowance, Daddy, for the power. I need the power. You need it for power, and you need it to break your teeth? And then I'm gonna make teeth jewelry and sell it on Etsy. Oh, this sounds like a good business plan.

And I'll make my allowance back. Oh, with interest? 7.9% financing? No, not that good. What about the VIG? The VIG? The juice, juice. Daddy, just tell me who gets the money.

Daddy, once I have the school bell. You're a very patient child. I'm very tired, Daddy. Daddy, once I have the school bell, I can make the principal see how the teachers are not working all that long, and then he will try to buy the bell back for me, and I'll make a lot of money, Daddy. My pretzels will be so hard that I'm like... You think the principal will buy the bell from you, child?

Yes, the principal will buy the bell, and I will mark it up like nobody's business, daddy. What if the principal buys his own bell, child? He can't do it, daddy. There can only be one bell, daddy. There's only one bell in all of the city? Yes, daddy. The school bell, daddy. Are you buying this bell from the school? Yes, daddy. Why did they put it on sale?

Because they can't turn down the money from the allowance, daddy. It did they put it on sale? Because they can't turn down the money from the allowance, daddy. It's too much for them. Daddy, tell us again how much our allowance is. It's $0.35. A minute? Per second. Lasting for one second.

A year? Yes, child. Daddy, for one second. You... A year? Yes, child. Daddy, please, daddy. Daddy, give, give, give. Daddy, give. Daddy, give, give, give. Daddy, give to me. Who wins, daddy?

Who, daddy? Who do you love more? This is not a who do you love more contest, child. Daddy, if you don't come winner, I will literally kill you. But daddy, you are George Thorogood. Please daddy, who do you love? This is very difficult because you don't seem to understand what's going on,

and you're threatening me with violence. We're but children, daddy. I'm going to kill you with my knife. Can I have some of the pretzels? Stab. Oh, go! I am slain! You've done it!

Parentheses dies. Oh no, he died so fast. Quick, open his pockets! Oh, look how much money and then the moth comes out. No, he has no money! He doesn't even have 35 cents to rub together. Daddy, daddy, he was a liar. He didn't have a job at all. He's a lying scumbag.

He's a lying piece of shit. Bury him, put him in the tub, let him bleed out. Set him on fire. And we did it. Ah, fun stuff. What a blast. I think it's okay that there was no decision in the end. I think so too, I think it was great

that your character passed, and I think that was really interesting. Passed, he passed away. He passed. That's what causes. I loved you both equally, I couldn't decide. So sweet. Life imitates art, art imitates life.

You guys, I have to tell you, I'm so tired that I have to go eat dinner. It's nine o'clock and I'm starving. Lauren, I don't blame you. It's nine o'clock on a Tuesday. I'm tired of hearing your whining. Wow. I'm kidding around.

Until next week when we'll hear your whining some more. That'll be great. This was a blast and a half and I hope everyone goes and follows us on Instagram and Twitter at FreedomUSA and you can, oh, you know what you can also do is go get our show that we did. Fuck yourself. If you wanna watch it, the Video Vault on Dynasty Typewriter. That's right, oh, you know what you can also do is go get our show that we did if you want to watch it at the Video Vault on Dynasty Typewriter. That's right. Lauren and I did a show for an empty

theater, roving cameras following us around. It was a lot of fun and it's up there now, dynastytypewriter.com. Scott, of course, we love him and when he's not there, we miss him. Yep. And if you want to hear ad-free versions of, Yeah. Yeah, go ahead over to Stitcher Premium or cbbworld.com. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And leave us a voicemail or something. Oh yeah, leave us a voicemail.

We're gonna right now record the voicemail outgoing message. Yeah, so you'll hear it. So you'll hear it, yeah. So you'll hear it. We'll post about it, just follow. You'll hear it. All right post about it. Just follow. You'll hear it. All right, we'll see you later.

Bye, sweeties. What are you holding up? The book of lists. Oh, the book of lists, there it is. It's blurring it. It's blurring it like it says, fuck you. It's blurring my foreground. Oh my God.

It's blurring my foreground, there we go. The book of lists. The book of lists, there it is. I love it. 35 countries. I'm gonna track down copies for you guys. Okay. I hook up my crook. By tonight. Shit.

All right. Bye. Bye. This message is sponsored by Kologard. Let's talk about colon cancer screening. I know a lot of you might hear that and instantly think about the drama of a colonoscopy. Taking time off work, drinking loads of prep liquid, undergoing an invasive procedure, fun stuff like that. But what if I told you it doesn't have to be that way? What if I told you there's a way to skip all of that drama with the Cologuard test?

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and certain hereditary syndromes, or a personal or family history of colorectal cancer. The Cologuard test is not a replacement for colonoscopy in high-risk patients. Cologuard test performance in ages 45 to 49 is estimated based on a large clinical study of patients 50 and older. False positives and false negatives can occur. Cologuard is available by prescription only. Hi, everyone. and older. False positives and false negatives can occur. Color Guard is available by prescription only. Hi everyone, Gloria Riviera here and we are back for another season of No One Is Coming to Save Us, a podcast about America's child care crisis. This season we're delving deep into five critical

issues facing our country through the lens of child care, poverty, mental health, housing, climate change, and the public school system. By exploring these connections, we aim to highlight that child care is not an isolated issue, but one that influences all facets of American life. Season 4 of No One is Coming to Save Us is out now wherever you get your podcasts.