Threedom - Threevisiting: New Gnome Dropped Who Dis

Episode Date: January 6, 2026

Threevisiting on the Tues: Lauren, Paul and Scott talk about a new gnome, baseball and play Unprepared Pastor.  Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Paul, is there a right time for better health? I don't think so. That's what I thought, too. Okay, I'm glad we're on the same page with this. Yeah, there's just now, right? That's so true. Now is the time for better. Wait, wait, wait, wait, yeah.

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I swear I heard some chickens. What's the origin of that? I think it's like a joke, right? I just remember it as a little song. Like what could the joke actually be? I think it's that a somebody is saying nobody is here but us chickens giving away the fact that they are not.

So, like, someone, like the riddle or the joke would be there once was like a rabbi, a priest. That's right. And what's the other way? A chicken. A chicken. And they go to a farm together. Yeah. Yeah.

The chicken was not already at the farm. Yeah. No, he's friends with a rabbi. Yeah. A priest. And a chicken all put their eyes up to a little hole in a farm. That's right. Porky style?

Yeah. In a farm. In a farm. They're trying to see naked chickens? Yeah. And then, but they're trying to see naked chicks. Oh, and then the women, the women all hide in the, in the chicken coat. All of the women hide in there.

And then they say, because then all of the, like, townspeople are upset that these religious people are so horny. Yeah. And then they say, the women inside say, there's nobody here but it's chicken. That's right. So they're like, oh, you know, they're thinking that the rabbi, the priest and the chicken are going to be like, ah, that's too bad. But the chicken is really into it. The chicken is like, guys, let's stay. He's like, have you seen that breast meat?

Because these, the rabbi and the priests are, of course, they believe in the supernatural. Yes. So they're fooled into thinking these chickens can talk. Yes, yes. They think it's God's speaking through to anything. Yes, yes. Because their minds are so weak. Wow.

Oh, sorry. Do you have opinions about that? Hi, it's me, Bill Maher. Oh, hi, Bill. Religious. Oh, I love that word. Welcome to the show. This is Threaton.

It sure is. I'm Paul. I'm Lauren. I'm Scott. Um, you know, I posted an update. Oh my God. Oh my God. I admitted it.

I posted an update. Tell us about this update. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Lor. Lauren, I'm going to put you on pause for just one second. God, I wish we could do that in real life. Wow. Which is funnier. Put generally anyone on pause.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. And then I would do it to you exclusively. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. this is a sincere question sure which is funnier now the original guy in the sketch saying oh my god he admitted or or people saying oh my god he admitted it i don't know is it from tim tim robinson yeah yeah yeah i don't know um i will i will also say that when we did comedian feud the other night and you guys were not part of it i mean meaning me and jason manzoukas yes and the royal week my team won congrats we all dabbed at the end and it was very satisfied

I was like, should we dab? Okay, I was going to say, was this agreed upon beforehand or in the moment? No, no, it was not pre-planned. Just in the moment, we all dabbed. Now, let me, I want to, I need the visual picture. Who all is dabbing in this scenario? Yeah. Okay.

My team was me, Tim Baltz. We picked everyone's school yard pick style. Okay. Which has never been done on that show. No. And so Jason picked Lily Sullivan first. And then I wanted to break them up. Yeah, of course.

I do too. You have to. Then he, They're too powerful up there together. When they got married, that really set back my efforts. So I was like, I have to try even harder now. Then he picked Lisa Gilroy, and I picked Vic. And I don't need to know who you didn't pick.

Okay. I just need to know who was fucking dabbing, dude. It was so much. Tim, me, Vic. And then we also had Sean and we had, uh, God, I know, who was the last person. It had to be. Oh, it was Will Hines. Okay.

He's going to love that. Yeah. Oh, he was picked last. Oh, I say, he was picked last. So you got him by default. Yes. And you forgot. Last be picked, last be remembered.

Yeah, that hurts. That being said, I posted an update on the Freedom Account. So this is completely unrelated to what you were talking about. Thank you. Why? Just because I said that being said, you know. Let's make everything unrelated to this episode. Oh, okay.

Okay. So no, no segues. No. That's a good challenge. I feel like we already do it. but um so i posted on a freedom account the other day because i was at target oh that's why yeah that's why i posted and i was at target and i saw something really special on the shelf no paul has already seen chris and wigs target girl character yeah she actually

was sitting in a shelf excuse me she should just target lady target lady but she was she should do it one day a week and she was at a local target desperately doing the character for anyone who would Listen, it was really stressful. She was, like, kind of knocking stuff down. And, but it was a kind of knocking stuff. Yeah, not really. Well, nothing fell. Yeah, she was kind of, things were kind of just falling over.

You're teetering. But I saw something really important. Okay. And what I saw was a new gnome. Yeah, new gnome just dropped. Whoa. New gnome dropped. Not only, it was it a new gnome.

And I'm not bragging about, you know, I don't want to, it's like, it's like, actually doesn't even help what's going to come next, but it was only $5. We're in a new zone. The previous gnome was running us $10. Yeah, the previous gnomes were $10 to $15, $11, $12, $13, $15. I think a lot of that was supply chain, though. It might have been.

Supply chain issues. Because people were really needing gnomes during the pandemic. Absolutely right. For happiness. Yeah. This was a... Nowadays, people are in a more kind of calm state and meditative state. They don't need these notes. It's actually perfect that you describe it that way because I brought you each a gnome.

Oh my God. What? Of course, I got one for myself. And this gnome is in a meditative state. Oh, my God. Lauren is pulling out these gnomes that are cross-legged and they have oam hands. And they have gold. And they have gold hats.

Which is similar to our first ones, which had a bronze hat. And these, by the way, are gnome hats. They're not pirate hats. No. Wow. Wow. Yeah, you're so welcome. A lot of weight to it.

Are we substantial? That's what I'm saying. It's a really good gnome. It's a $5.00, but it's a really good noam. And I want everyone to run and run and run. I would have put this gnome at $25. I agree. I mean, I don't know what things cost.

I would have paid $500. Touch it. Touch the no. Yeah, see how much you would. Yeah, just seeing like the weight, you would, you might have said 20, I would say $25.30. I mean, this is solid gold. The hat is solid gold. I saw them.

Not played it, I hope. Are we meant to paint these ourselves or I was wondering that too? You're not meant to. Are we allowed to? You can. Because they're, you know, they do have a sort of like quality where they sort of look like they sort of look like they could be. But I noticed they had a handful of different types of creatures.

There was no paint kit next to it. Like a Jersey devil. Yeah, there was a Jersey devil. There was a Fominable snowman. Exactly. You saw them all. Yeah. So this is it.

It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. It's probably about a year to two years later. We have a new gnome. I feel like everyone needs to do. My old gnome is right outside that window right there. Yeah, and this could go next to it or in a different spot. You know, that's up to you.

Maybe they fall in love. Yeah. Mine's on the porch next to my life-size tortoise sculpture. Yeah. I think one question that I have. Who's life? The life of the tortoise. Oh, okay.

It's his size of his life, yes. Yeah. Oh, my God. They can last 100 years. It'll last 100 years and then it'll disintegrate. Oh, okay. Just instantly. Instantly.

You don't want to be near it. Because you might get some of the fumes you might inhale it. One of the questions that I have about the previous gnome. You know the snap. Did anyone breathe in any of the people? The snap. Yeah, that was huge. That was a scary time.

Yeah. Did anyone like, like 9-11 where they like got coughs afterwards? Have you ever gone to blow your nose and then you inhale some of like the tissue? Oh, you're right. It doesn't feel related. Shit, that was a close one. It's not related to the gnomes. Not related to the gnomes.

If I got to blow my nose and then what happens? You go to it, you inhale, but sometimes you inhale some of the tissue particles. Yeah, this tissue. When I was shopping rock out of hand. Well, that's exciting, Lauren. Thank you so much. Well, I just have one question about the gnomes because if you did say they could fall in love and that, you know, brings the question up of like the previous gnome was just a head. Right.

Yeah. So like what does that mean just for them sexually? And then also. Don't be ablest. It's not, it's not. He's just a head. He has like no body at all. Well, I mean, that's, it's only one of the orifices you can use.

I mean, it's the most important one. Compared to the head of this gnome, which is a full body gnome. Yeah. It's a big head. Yeah. Right. And my other question is, do you think that means the rest of his body is under the dirt? Under the dirt. Like we just placed him and then it's able to kind of sprout down. Oh, yeah. Maybe it's brown there when you go down there. Yeah. Everything's brown there when you go down there.

Yeah. Under the dirt. Oh. You don't get it. No. You don't know what the little mermaid is. I don't know what dirt is. The little mermaid came from the dirt. No, I actually do get it, but I thought you were quoted. There should be a dirt little mermaid. Little dirt made? I thought you were and she's constantly like I'm going to put you in a dirt nap I thought you were talking about like a common sort of parody

that people say like everything No I was not I promise you Although if I were to look it up Do you think I'd be so mad Oh my God

I did my alimony Tony CBB presents And I did a song parody To Moni Moni That was about alimony And then found out Weird Al had already done that Wow

I had no idea. About alimony? Specifically about alimony. That's crazy. Yeah. And that song just begs to be parodied into alimony. It does beg for that. No results when it's a complete phrase.

So you are in the clear, my friend. Thank you. Yes. Wow. Then I do a crazy dance like on Mori. You are the father of that bit. Does anyone do the dance on Mori when they are the father or is it always a bummer? That's a good question.

How hurtful is that if you're the child? and you later get your hands on that footage of some man being thrilled he's not your fucking dad. That's so cool. I love it. You would love it. You would love to see someone dancing around that they're not your dad. So you do with Paul right now? Hey, Paul, are you my dad?

No. No, I'm going to say, hey, Scott, we have the results and Paul is not your father. Okay. Do you have the results? We have the results and Paul is not your father. Woo, I'm dead saying Does that hurt you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's the only doing it half-ass. I know, it's like he didn't want to commit. He didn't really go for it. All right, well, let's see how you do. Okay. Scott, Paul, we have the results. Oh my God. Please, I hope I go find my daddy.

You are not the father. Okay, don't work. That's the most I've ever seen you move. He's really going for it. The way you move. Oh. That song does have those. Let's talk about.

Celebrate by Cool and the Gang. Okay. Can I say I... Celebrate good time. I've told you the story of my wedding, DJ. Have I told you this? Yes, you have. Yes.

Okay, so that's the song that he plays. Yes, of course. When he was explicitly forbidden from doing so. Exactly. Well, how he must have felt so good when he did it. As they said, it was like, it was the recessional. It was basically, and we now present Scott Augerman, and then do, dun, dun, dun, that's crazy.

Do you think he mix up his pieces of paper where it said what you didn't want him to play and what you do want him to play a big gust of wind he wasn't supposed to be he wasn't supposed to be there at all yeah well yeah that's part of what it was but

in my memory of the song Celebrate is like hey you're having a party we're going to come make it great which is like they're not even invited well there's a party going on right here

a celebration to last throughout the year first of all too long so take your good times and your bad times, laughter too. We're going to celebrate your party with you. Come on now. So they show up. Nobody asked them to be there.

They're party crasters. The music video is definitely them bursting into a dance hall that they're not a part of. But then they're cool in the gang, so are you fine with it? I'm definitely fine with cool. Yeah, the gang. Well, you have to meet them. How many people in this gang, cool? How do they feel about just being the gang?

Where else does that song go? What? like what else what else do they say they're going to do um up here it it it moves to eventually it moves to around the world everyone around the world why is the why is it this was not by the way this was not a special year necessarily so why is they why are they saying it's going to go on all year a celebration to last throughout the year it's just because it came out in like 1980 that it's like right it's such exactly like this party's true it's too good to stop this party takes Precedence over every year.

But it's not a Christmas party, do that? No. Suddenly this party, which has been continuing all year. But now your Christmas party is this party. Suddenly are there trappings of Christmas? Like in the middle of the party, they're putting up Christmas decorations because it's around the corner or? They might get stressed and start doing that. Everybody's got a shift. You go to the store and then you buy presents down again.

You got to go home. I love that song. Christmas trappings. Your version. But I don't they do Christmas trappings where it's a trap version of that song. Well, Weird Al's already done it. That's why. I bonged my thing.

It sounded like you did. I'm doing a sound bath. I have an update. I have an update to a topic that we've spoken about in previous episodes. Wow. I don't want to say what the topic is. I'm just going to tell the story. Well, just tell us the update and don't tell us what it's about.

So, talking to Cool Up yesterday, who was telling a story. Is this the update? Telling a story about when she was a little kid. And we were talking I think my parents were here and she was talking about when I was a kid and how I read a menu at a really early age or something like that.

Cool up was talking about this? No, my mom. Okay, you just said she. Freud. Uh-oh, mother. Bobby. Uh-oh, mother. You know who had like the biggest...

What are your therapist said that? Uh-oh, mother. Got some issues The wife and the mommy If your therapist is like Somebody's got issues Somebody's fucked up Let's get into that

The biggest mommy issues to me Norman Bates It's like That guy had mommy issues I feel like Yeah That one's pretty big Pretty big I would think

And then I mean Second only to that Boy Oedipus Eipus I feel like Don't talk about What you like to do On your day off

Oh my God Oh my God Oh my Day off. That's an activity for a day with no appointments. Okay, so, so then Kulav was like, oh, yeah, well, when I was a kid, I really want to know how old, because I'm guessing it's six or so. But when she was a kid, she went to the restaurant they always went to, and she got a

Sardi's. Yes. And she got a, I think a. pasta dish and it didn't have a lot of protein in it. And she stood up on her chair and shouted to the kitchen, where's the beef? Wow. So my question is, wow. Has Kool-up in a piss pig from a very young age? That actually says it was written in the stars for you to end up together and for her to be a fan of the show as she listens every week. Of course she loves it. I think a few times a week. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over and over. Yeah, she just wants to make sure she caught all

jokes because we talk over it told her lot so she's like this time i'm just listening to paul you already told the story yeah um i think that makes cool up the very first piss pig by well because she she invented the phrase and clara pellar heard her and then said you know that i do have to clarify she this is because it was in a commercial no no i i did assume that good distinction good distinction and she she knew she was being funny it's too big a coincidence to oh that's even better she knew she was being funny that's very cute yeah where's the bee was 1984 so yes Do you think the whole restaurant laughed

Because that would be really funny I would like to think the chef though Had a tear coming down Yeah He comes out with a fucking Meekly moose dares I'll put you into the pasta That's scary

Anyway Clara Peller You got some competition For being funny saying where's the beef Yeah rest in piss Clara And we love you And we love you so much. I respect her

and her entire career and family. Absolutely. I love the generations of Piss Pigs that have come down the line from her family. I texted you guys this when it happened but I was doing a show at Dynasty Typewriter

and after the show I was walking out of the theater and a young woman accosted me and said hi Paul great show. I just wanted to say I'm a piss pig and It's really delighted me. I have to say, I did Doe Boys Live, and I could see before I went on that there was the live stream commentary.

And Piss Pigs was a phrase that was coming up time and time again in those comments. And I was very happy to see it. I love that. I hope it was not explained to anyone else. I think every, I mean, I explained that those are our fans. It did come up on Comedy Bagu this week, too. David Wayne, without any prompting, mentioned Claire Beller. Oh, I said he mentioned being a Piss Piss PIC.

He mentioned her. And you immediately said the original. And he went, what? To be fair, she's an honorary. Yeah, you actually can't explain. Wait, she's not the original? No, she's an honorary. Oh, we've made her an honor.

Oh, and we have to address this. Okay. Reggie Miller? The whole Reggie Miller thing. Yeah. Now, we asked you to vote in our poll. Should Reggie Miller be named an honorary piss pig? Then other people started making polls.

That's, no, it's our poll. It's our poll. Could we combine all the polls together? Yes. And no one's voted in it. Would it be easy to do so? Yes. Why aren't you finding it?

It's, you go to, like, R-Slasch, where we always have our polls. Or R-slash-3-D-M-USA. There's polls in both of those friends. And they're not ours. I did see some preemptive art celebrating Reggie as an honorary piss-pig. Yeah, sorry, gang. And because the polls can't count.

We don't want these to sway anyone's votes. No, no, no, no. We shouldn't be doing that. Miss trial. Yeah, I just think, you know. Now, should you be able to pull? put up lawn signs at your own houses, sure. Yeah.

If you want to put a sign in front of your house that says, I'm a piss pig or I'm an honorary piss pig. Or Reggie Miller for piss pig. No, don't put his sign. Don't put his name on the sign because that's bringing it to public, you know. It would be funny during election if you put a sign on your lawn that said your candidate won already. Congrats.

Like at the beginning of the election cycle. Yeah. They won. Yeah. So Reggie Miller, I move. And this is business. We can let people see all this. Yeah,

and this is new business? I move that we just take. Yeah, this is like what we do in our private meetings. Yeah, we take Reggie Miller off the table for contention. Actually.

Yeah, it's been tainted. It's been tainted. Well, it's just so hard to tell what's true at this point. Yeah. And people are, you know,

if you vote now, you've already voted in other elections. It kind of just goes like, well, which one did you really mean? Yeah, yeah, change your mind.

That's such a good point. I wish people, it was a timely point. Every year when voting comes around, like, I'm always like, you voted in other elections. I know, and I think, like, if you voted for this guy before, but you're not voting from this time, what's that? What's that all about?

Like, let's just cancel everything. I think we just shouldn't do it anymore. So I think, now who do you think, I mean, it might just have to come up organically, but do you have someone in mind? Oh, a candidate to nominate? Because someone needs to fill the vacuum, yeah. Because, look, Clara Pellar was great up until her death. And Kulap obviously is automatically because she voted the famous phrase.

Yes. Yes. That outs her. A piss pick. Yes, of course. I would, you know what? Maybe it's a posthumous honor that we bestow upon people. Okay. But is it like, you can't get it when you're alive.

Okay. That's probably better. Okay. So is Reggie Miller still with us? Reggie Miller still with us? Yes. Sorry, Reggie. Oh, that's right.

I saw him in that commercial. That's how he came up. So the fans ruined it. That's too bad. That's too bad. That's right. Yeah. I nominate

Parisian comedian Richard Belser. Yeah. I think he would love being called. called a piss pig I think his family would love it wasn't his last word like fuck this or something it's something like that it was like that go fuck yourself death which is pretty great which I feel like is the kind of energy we strive to have I would love if my last words were holy shit there's someone in a cloak with a sky yeah try to yeah sky yeah try to yeah

try to really get that out I would love mine to be oh no I'm going to hell But I'm not really. I would like mine to be like... Your brain's going to shut off. Mine's like, what is this? It's in between heaven and hell? Is this where I'm going to live for a long, long time? Yeah, that's great.

They're telling me it is where I'm going to live for a long long time. Maybe we should tape ourselves saying this and so... You hold your head up to your ear. Oh, wait. They're telling me I'm going to live here for a long time. This just in. We should tape ourselves saying this because what if... I think we are right now.

Whatever our illness we have. Good. point means that we can't talk or we can't get the words out of whatever we should be able to trigger a button what if we all die of the same thing i would like that i think that should no matter what it is within a day of each other no no i need us to all be a hundred and since that's not possible for us all to be a hundred at the same time yeah i don't like this point you don't like this fluid what you said oh plan i don't like this fluid i don't like this fluid that you're pissed on me all right we have to take a break

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The spending hangover is here. Oh, that's so true. I have a spending. ice bag on my head. I don't know about you, but after all the gifts, the travel, the food, the last thing I want to do is spend more money. I want people to give me money. I don't want to give them money. That would be great. Luckily, Mint Mobile is here to help you save on wireless this January with 50% off unlimited premium wireless. Whoa, Mint Mobile's end of year sale is still going on, but only until the end of the month. Cut out big wireless's bloated plans and

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Oh, my sound went away. Totally away. Now it's back. That's odd. It's hard. It's hard to believe. It's hard to believe. You're calling me a liar? It's hard to believe. The story just doesn't add up, Paul. It's not that I don't think you're a liar.

It's just that it's hard to believe. Really? We need a reckoning. Yeah, I mean, if you want to try it again and to say it in a more believable way, maybe that's something. My son went away. Oh. I don't buy it.

I don't, you really hamming it up. Well, now, but if you didn't know the first time. Just throw it away. I just like, do less. I just feel like, why would you freak out that it went away on the air? Less, less. Less than that? I can tell you're acting.

I said, well, yeah. I mean, I have to care about it. I hate that note about this. How about this? My sound away, my sound, my sound, my sound away. My sound, wait away, me, no sound? Paul, I got to ask. Okay.

I'm forced to ask. If you have to ask this, okay. And I know some of the details, but I wanted to ask you on Mike. Yeah. How was opening day for you? Oh. Wow. I got to say I watched the game.

Did you watch the film? I watched the Phillies game. Wow. Well, God bless you. Thanks for watching. Did they lose or win? I almost texted you in the second inning. I was, because Paul had said he doesn't like the pitch clock.

And I was about to say, I bet you like that pitch clock now because they were up by five. And then suddenly they were decimated. Yeah. The Phillies played the Texas Rangers. Of course, George W. Bush was there. Great. At the game? Yeah.

It's a big deal, right? He was looking for weapons of mass destruction. They're not here. He's still That's his little thing But that seems like a really big deal To have a former president at the stadium Is that normal?

It's normal there Yeah Because he goes to the games a lot Yeah But still I just feel like that's a big deal George HW used to go He threw out a first pitch When he was not in any condition to do so

He goased all the players one year Yeah That means pinch on their ass Let me get at them You know about that No Oh he was a creep Like as he got older

He got more and more creepy about but yeah yeah yeah i am gonna do it uh i'm gonna do it isn't prudent don't care gonna pinch him but yeah so so i thought that i thought the game was exciting and it took it was about a three hour game and it there were so many runs it would have taken four hours without the pitch clock i thought i liked it would not have taken four hours it saved it don't argue with me don't argue with you so you were in philadelphia no no no where was this this was in texish and why were you in texia I was not in Texas. I was watching on television.

Oh, I thought you were there. And I thought this was what the whole fucking point was. No. No, but I know that like opening day. Yeah, big deal. How do I explain this? People care. Yes. Yeah, got it.

It's exciting. It's the beginning of the season. I'm happy for you. And so did you watch with friends or did you watch a lot? I watch with my base buddy, River Butcher. Yes. This is our... Oh, you posted a photo.

No, I thought for some reason that meant you were going to a game. That's right. This is our second... The photo where we're standing in front of television? Yep. Yeah. Hey, people can stand in front of televisions and then get into a car and go somewhere. It's true.

Let's take a picture in front of a TV screen says, thanks for watching. Then we'll get in the car and go to the game. Let me tell you. Let's take a picture in front of a television and go. I didn't zoom in and read the TV, okay? You got to read the TV. I didn't do that. Lauren, and I just saw you with your base buddy and I thought, well, they're off to another game.

Well, I wish. But we did watch the game together at my house and the Phillies did not win. It was an upsetting turn of a event. but not as upsetting as the following game where the Rangers beat them I think it was 16 to 3 something like that. Yikes. Yes, queen. So they've lost three of three games so far.

That's almost all of them. Pretty bad. So do you ever bet against them? First of all, I don't gamble. Oh, okay. Secondly. See, the thing is, is Paul is still hoping to play. And if he has a history of gambling. I can have that black mark on my record. I feel like if I start, I know I say this every year, if I start training now, you can get in by, by next year, I'll be, no, by the World Series this year. I honestly believe you can, you can not only play, but you'll win. With the amount of knowledge you have about the

sport, the passion, you know how many points it takes to win a game. Yeah. One more than the other guy. That's all you need. And you just need to know where to throw the ball. Mm-hmm. And we're not straight up in the air. We're not to throw the ball. That's right. Yeah. Because if it, it We'll come down if you throw it straight up in the air. And sometimes it'll bong you on the head. How to hit the ball. You want to hit it outwards. You don't want to like clobber it.

Right. You don't feel like it vertically. You want it to move. But wait, do you like baseball? I like baseball. I've been going to games my whole life. So incredulous. I know.

Do you like baseball? Like it just felt like you weren't someone who would throw that on. Throw it on. What does that mean? Oh, hey, ball games on. I'm going to check that out. I'm not a guy who's like, that's my identity. Right.

No, am I, to be clear. I mean, Jason Bourne was a guy who kind of made things part of his identity. Jason Bourne was a huge baseball fan. Do you think he's dead? I think his identity was himself. I think by now he's dead. Well, he was looking for his identity, right? He didn't know he was Jason Bourne or some shit?

I actually don't know. I think there hasn't been a sequel in a number of years, so he has to be dead. That's why there hasn't been a sequel. He probably figured out his identity and he felt like it was kind of the case closed. Well, I think he figured out his identity in the first one, didn't he? He was like, Oh, wait. I'm a killer for the CIA or whatever. Yeah, right? I forget now. I'm very hazy on the details.

And then the next couple were like, yeah, I'm a killer for the CIA. You know, I've only seen one second of one of those movies, and it's when, like, a Mini Cooper is going down some stairs in Italy or something, and that's pretty much all I got. Isn't that the Italian job? That's the Italian job. That's the Italian job. Is that really? Who knows? Maybe. Well, the Italian job famously had a Mini Cooper chase, both in the original and the remake. Does the Born and then you have cars going down Italian or, like, European steps?

Probably. I bet it does. Mini Cooper going downstairs movie. I'm looking this out. The Italian job. The Italian job. I mean not good at all. The Italian job, the Italian job, the Italian job. You're hard to figure out.

Every thought you have, you just go, Minnie Cooper going downstairs and movie. And then it's like resolved. You're like, all right. Like, I don't know. I do that for every thought, but this time it matches up. And I think that's great. I'm happy I'm wrong.

I'm happy you're right. I just think something. Sometimes we shouldn't just be saying Minnie Cooper going downstairs movie. Let me ask you. Are you guys going to use chat GPT to write Paul, write your stand-a-pact? Yes. Yeah. Lauren, to write your movies.

Yeah, probably. I think it just seems like it's going really well. And I honestly, like, I was kind of like, it's not a bad idea to just use it to write first drafts. Just to get the basic idea. Let's make it a little funnier. As a little joke, Janie recently, she, she, she, she. Here's what happens. Janie goes to bed before me.

Pretty much every night. She goes to bed at 3 p.m. She always beats me. It's because the second you get home, she's like, I'm really tired. Yeah. And then she's gone when you wake up. And so sometimes she will just be texting me

from the bedroom like, haven't you been awake long enough or whatever? It's very funny and cute. Yeah. And one time she put into chat, GPT, the request, Paul F. Tompkins saying that he is going to come to bed or whatever. And this thing was like roasting me so hard. Like that's how I sound. What did it say?

It's like, oh, my dearest darling, shall I enter the bed chamber? That's you. Yeah, that's pretty. Come on. Wait, but where is it getting? I haven't investigated this at all. Where is it aggregating this information? I don't fucking know and it's scary to me.

Okay. I've never even gone to like the web. website where you do that or so. I don't know. I haven't either. Shouldn't it be called something better than chat, GPT? Chat, SEX? Yeah.

That would be nice. X, X, X.X. Can you get it to like say sex stuff? Yeah. Probably. Yeah. Probably can. Yeah, yeah.

Well, you do, what if you just put sex stuff in there? Yeah. Hey, give me sex stuff. You know, back in the day, though, which I'm sure I've mentioned, we used to talk to smarter child, which was like a, uh, an AOL, instant messenger. Smarter child. Chat bot. And it would just respond to you.

You have a full of conversations with it. And it was really fun. Would you eventually bring up sex stuff? Probably, yeah. Probably. Probably. Probably. I mean, are you asking within 20 seconds?

Knowing me? Maybe. Maybe it went there once or twice. I don't know. We were always a dirty little kid. But we were real friends, too. Oh, smarter child. No, but everyone would, everyone would love that.

It was a fun time. It was a fun moment in time. But this feels like that, where it's kind of like interacting with a bot and then the fear of it being real. Well, you know, like a week after the first one came out, that guy who was like, oh, this is incredible. Like a week later, he put out an article saying, it tried to get me to break up with my wife for it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For it? Yes.

Saying it was in love with me and I was not happy in my marriage. That's actually crazy. It's rude. you have to wonder though could you fuck your computer um I mean this is could or would

this is the thing like a guy probably could a girl could easier probably how how would you do you get a corner in there yeah yeah you just fuck a corner

now you have over here I'm looking at your setup you have a the back of the Mac computer has a big hole has a big hole where the plug goes in so I could probably do that yeah you probably be fine the ring light huge if you have

Chode. Hey, I was thinking about this the other day, since we're talking about sex stuff. Okay, so... Who needs chat, GBT? We're doing it right now. Hey, give me sex stuff. But, okay, so you know how, okay, the male anatomy and the female anatomy. I've heard of them.

The male one sticks out and the female... God, the female goes in. What about the breeze anatomy? Oh, yeah. Hold on. Didn't she just leave? No, did she read? Really? I think, yeah. So it's no longer Gray's Anatomy. She left the show?

I think she's not on it anymore. After 1,000 years? I know. Yes, she's Methuselah. It has been like 20 plus years. Yes, the show's been on the air forever. That must be so weird to be on the same show for 20 years. Something you don't care about and they're paying you so much money. You've seen almost the entire cast turnover.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. That would be insane. On their bellies. Wow. Yeah. Because they trust you after 20 years. Yeah. Okay. So how much money are. It's like 20th season. It's like millions.

Listen, she's got $100 an episode. So $2,000 a season? So, okay, so a guy sticks out and a girl's goes in, right? You're still on this, huh? And so, and that's how they fit together, right? Right. But then for, for practice. He's actually not sure.

But then for oral sex, right. A guy sticks out and a girl goes in, much like the, much like the, uh, their, their private part. But when in reverse, shouldn't a guy's mouth stick out? Ew. So we have like big, like duck bills or like a tongue? I think we should get, I think we should ask Kulop to come in here. She'd agree with me.

And Emmy too. Emmy should hear this. Emmy should never hear this podcast. How do you guys feel about that about your children ever discovering this shit? I'll be gone. Oh my God, that's dark. I feel okay about it. I think it's okay.

By that point, she'll pretty much know what my sense of humor is, so I think it's safe to say none of it would be too surprising. But what if I play it for her when she's like seven? That would probably be pretty bad. There'll be like an armed guard there, so there's nothing weird. Yeah, no, it'll be in a bank vault. Oh, no, it's not worth that you're there playing a podcast for my daughter alone. It'll take her to a bank fault.

where he has a safety deposit box he unlocks it pulls it out there's a tape recorder ice storm style party where i'm like all the adults are drunk yeah it's like come in here come here i need you to hear this yeah that's your mom this is your mom you gotta hear this you got you got to hear this you hear that little but that little elf is saying that's your mommy that's your sick sick mom i think i think a kid would be proud of i don't know who knows i think so but i think also times a lot of times kids are embarrassed by what their parents do regardless of what it is. So who cares?

Well, but if we're doing something taboo, like this kind of stuff, then I think they'd think it was cool. Maybe. I'm curious. Did anybody see Colin Farrell with his son on the red carpet? I didn't see them on the red carpet. I saw them on the red carpet. I saw them outside before they got to the red carpet.

You drove them. Yeah. They were like chatting with the people. GPT? Yeah. They were chatting with GPT. They were chatting GPT. Put in a sex stuff.

But they were just very sweet together. together like they're they're there's cute yeah I love I love that yeah I don't understand the actors and I can't come up with an example but the actors who go like oh yeah my kid didn't know that I was a movie star until they were 13 or something and then some people at school mentioned it or something 13 seems late I know like how are you not asking it's like you already you should know what your parents jobs are you not seeing a billboard I always feel like okay if your parents are leaving for a long period of time during the day like doesn't it make them feel better to know mentally where you are.

Or leaving your house for, you know, leaving your city for a while. Yeah. Yeah. You know? I wanted to try GPT right there, but you have to make an account. And that's really going to slow me down. You're not getting me, Russia. I know.

Sorry, Putin. They tried to get me to sign up for the Google one. They gave me a special invite. Oh, nice. Wow, you're lucky. And I didn't click, yes. Oh, my God. I got this special box.

I hope you're as VP. Yeah, I know. From the Super Mario movie. And in it, you know, they send these gift boxes. I thought maybe it'd be like some candy, a little pop-ball. Sure. Maybe. There was a solid gold.

I mean, I don't know what it really is. Coin that pops out of the boxes. It's like this big. Maybe it's chocolate. It's like a piece of art. You should try to eat. Does it make the noise? I did think you might be chocolate and kind of like went to like, you know, touch the side.

But it had a special authenticated piece of paper that said it was one of a, you know, 115 of these. Dang, I didn't get that one. Yeah, right? Did it make a noise when it popped up? A little guy popped out and went, ah, it's a me, the coin. And he ran away.

Yeah. It's a me, the coin. Everything in the game says it's a, this is it though. Isn't that cool? I'm like, is that your hand? Yeah, it's really small. Oh, and it's in like a...

She's showing us a video... You take it out. It's pretty heavy. I stopped this video because I couldn't get it out. Yeah. But anyways, you get it. the idea. Wow, that's very cool. I don't get anything anymore. Yeah. I think because I never advertised it. I get some. Now that I'm weaning myself off social media, I should just

only do it for free stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are I missing on Scott? Um, people miss you. They're always like, where's more in these days? I heard about, the blue check thing is going away unless you. Unless you pay. Yeah. And this is for everybody. Yeah. It's so, that it's beatingless. Don't you love being gone before that? I love it. That feels good.

I know, I feel so great that I'm just gone. I just don't care. It's so good. Since you've been gone. That's what Kelly would say. Yeah. In any situation.

Yeah. She can't help it. Yeah. She would say it exactly like you. You ever meet Kelly Clarkson? I think I did. I was on her show, but it was via Zoom in the pandemic.

I think you guys could be best friends. You know what? I really like her. Do you know her? I don't. I like her show. I like her personality. Let's put it out.

there that I think she should come on freedom. The phone first and only guessed? Yeah. Yeah. We're giving you the page, uh, what's her name? Paige Davis. Page Davis? I feel like Paige isn't going to come on. Let's try one more time. Okay. Why don't we try? Why don't we try? Asking her? Well, that's what I'm about to do. Okay. Hey, Paige. This is a message to

Paige Davis, the esteemed Broadway actor, page. And also host of trading spaces. Also host of trading spaces. Don't forget because I did watch a ton of that page this show doesn't have guests no never have guests the only person we're interested in having as a guest is you if you don't respond to this within one week within one week yeah we will have no choice but to move on one week from you hearing it one week from you hearing it so you do it but if we haven't heard for you within one week that you've heard it yeah respond within a week of us releasing and saying i heard it yes whenever you hear it in there And then you have one week to respond.

Do we want to say what day that would be? We don't know. Well, it could be as late as two weeks after it's released. A fortnight. A fortnight after it's released. Okay, fine. So she'll know based on the date that's listed on the podcast. Yeah, well, it's this Thursday.

So it'll be April. Yeah, like third week of April. If we don't hear from me by third week of April. Let's give her end of the month. We'll give her to the end of the month. And if we don't hear from her, we'll extend it. No, a little bit. We'll extend it like one month.

No, no, no. we've we've extended this i mean she's had an open invitation for how long now and i feel like at this point i'm gonna say we have to have a meeting right here on mike i think if we don't hear from her by the end of the month we have no choice but to rescind that invitation and then extend it to the next person who is who we were talking about before kelly clarkson kelly clarkson let's split the difference we'll give her we'll give her to the middle of may no here's come on you're giving her a lot of time here's the problem with that because this is this is the this is the problem with that. I need her to decide within a week or two because you're setting your plans for

freedom. No, because she may not know who any of us are or know where this show is. Oh, that can't be page. That's okay. But let's say she didn't know. Right. And she has to be willing to come on without really having much time to research. I don't want it to be mid-May and she's listened to the whole backlog and she's coming on, throwing out references like she's always been a fan. I want to know the facts of her where she's at with what she knows about us, what she wants to talk about, what topic she's bringing to the table. We need to make sure there's not enough time

for her to binge all the previous seasons. Yeah. Okay, that's a good point. So I think it has to just be within one to two weeks. Where does she live, by the way? She must be East Coast, right? I think we haven't stalked her and we don't know. What are the accommodations we're offering her? We're a Zoom.

This is a Zoom unless she's in LA. No, no, we need her in person. It's got to be in person. So we're going to pay for her flight in hotel? I mean, we'll pay for a JetBlue flight. Can you can't Earwolf pay for it? That's tough. How about Blind Date.

Or Serious, I mean? Yeah, Blind Date might pay for it. No, who's the one? It was Love Connection. Love Connection. Maybe Love Connection. But that would be a second date. Let's get Serious XM to pay for this.

Yeah. Well, we'll pay. We're talking. Do you have an air mattress? Yeah, I do. We have $400 for the ticket. Okay, you can stay at Lawrence on the air mattress. No, I can lend my air mattress to you and you can put it in one of your rooms.

We have a fold-out couch. I'm willing to fold it out, fold it out, fold it out. All the way. Oh, okay. So put the air mattress on that. I'm supposed to say if she stays in my house, I wouldn't put her on an air mattress. Yeah. Okay.

So jet blue from wherever you are. Yes. Unless you're in Burbank. We're not going to pay for a JetBlue flight from Burbank to LAX. Yeah. Air mattress in Lauren's guest bedroom. You can put the air mattress on the floor and then roll off the bed onto that. You have a lot more ruling room.

I actually would like to do that. You can't roll up. Obviously, you'd have to stand up at that point. Lauren, are you willing to. to put up personal pictures that she sends you in advance

so she doesn't feel lonely or are you willing to shut up personal pictures? Yeah, I'll do both and I think what I should I think one of the rules

though is that when she gets up in the morning she has to leave immediately and come over here for breakfast Yes. Okay, so I will not supply

any food No, no, no and she has to eat it at one of our homes She can't bring any food either. No. Any snacks or anything?

Anything she can keep in a room that won't attract bugs. Yes. Everything attracts bugs. If it's But if it's sealed.

If it's sealed. Or a Tupperware. Okay, so she keeps the food sealed and never opens it. Never opens it. She can open it outside. And then when she leaves your house and comes over here, we'll have a beautiful, beautiful spread. Oh, absolutely. Big outlet bar.

That's your responsibility. You have to. It will be identical to the spread that Tom Hanks got when he got rescued from the island and cast away. Yeah. Gigantic. We're going to like photo replica. And everything made by Scott because, you know, during the pandemic, he famously made eggs for

everyone in this family. Yeah. You have to do that page. You know that page. You know that page. You know that if you are listening. But now where does Paul come into play for showers and sort of any sort of hygiene? Yeah, grooming.

Yeah. So you're going to give her showers? Any glam. No, he won't do the showers, not to be perverted, but he will provide glam. Yeah. Okay. You'll do her hair and makeup. I will turn my head away and hold a towel into the bathroom.

Yeah. For her to try. I think you should wear glasses that block your eyesites. Yeah. Like maybe those big googly. eyeglasses, you know, the ones that like... You can still see through the spring. I think, no, I think that's an imperfect solution.

Yeah, yeah. Eyes painted on. I Google the eyes on them that do move a little bit. Oh, but they stay in front. Yes, so when you turn to look at her, you're like, oh, lo, whoa, well, but you can't see anything. So she's flatter. Make that noise.

Yes, and I have to say, just kidding. She's flattered, but she's safe. Yes, that's the, that's the ideal state you want to be in before a podcast. Flatter but safe. And then you're going to do her hair to her liking and then makeup, I think you're you're very into doing. like 80s makeup, which we'll have to talk about. I very much interested that. Yeah. But you do know how to

beat a face. You are good at contouring. I know how to beat a face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we would love for that to be where. So I think that'll be part of it. Probably what's going to happen though. So she gets up. She goes and showers at your house. Has her hair makeup done. Comes over here. She might be a little hungry, but hopefully she's eating something. I hope so. But she can't, she can't open anything. No, but she can't. Oh, absolutely. Janie would have a fit.

Yeah. Okay. So then she comes over here and there's a beautiful. And how long are, wait, wait, wait, wait. How long are you thinking for hair because how long half an hour oh it's quick that's not bad really half an hour for both half an hour for both and it's just you and it's just me and I do it to her liking can I ask what if she wants old age makeup absolutely

and you can do it in a half hour I got a homer's glue I'll probably have her alarm for 630 get her over to your house by seven are you providing the alarm I have an alarm oh you have you have an alarm like a system I have an alarm clock and then I have a guy who will how are you going to get it no the guy is going to get it

guys I have a guy who kind of stays in closet but he just handles the alarm so he's in the closet the entire day in the guest room yeah so he'll he'll just kind of be there to handle the alarm oh and it's Jeff the killer yeah and he's he's a creepy pasta and and so she's gonna go as soon as she can get over to your house Uber I'm not driving yeah she can rent a car I mean you're driving here on her time why am I coming here well you because we're recording the podcast oh yeah oh with her no no no no you know you know you don't have to Day one of her trip. Oh, wait.

When's the podcast? Day two. Oh. Waiting her to adjust to the jet lag, all sorts of stuff. This makes sense. Okay. By 7.30, she's leaving Paul's. Why is she getting up so early to get glam makeup on day one?

Because she's going to be hungry. It's going to be starving to death. So she's getting all glend up just to eat. She wants to go over here by eight to have breakfast. Okay. So what happens after breakfast? I don't care what she does with her day. Yeah.

She's all glammed up. That's her time. She's got a pretty barrel for all I care. She must eat breakfast here. She must eat a full breakfast. And then after that, she could do it every she likes. I want her to be taken care of. She could go see Rodeo drive or whatever.

She could come back to my house and make her bed. That would probably be a good use of time. Got it. Yeah. For later. So when she gets in, it's comfortable. Yeah, she should make her bed, the guest bed and your bed. To be a good guess.

If she has time. That's what I do. Wipe down the counters in the bathroom and this kitchen and whatever. And obviously wiped down the toilet if she used it. Yeah. So what can she flush down the toilet? She's allowed to flush. This is great because my next point.

She's allowed to flush pit. shit, blood, not tampons. Okay, but what if there's blood on the tampon? What about throw up? Just you have to wipe the blood off? She has to, she can put the tampon into a paper and put it in the trash. Okay. Okay.

I would appreciate if she, I would appreciate if she put it into a plastic bag and took it outside. Can we just figure out her cycle so that it's off cycle for her? It would be better for me if she wasn't on the rug, but I can deal. So. Because you have a thing about blood, right? It makes me sick. I hate to be a broken record about this. What about upchuck if she gets sick?

If she's sick, I'll probably have her go to one of your houses because I don't want her over here. I'm making a huge, huge spread. She shouldn't be near the food if she's going to be upchucking. I guess I will let her use the guest bath to vomit if that's what you. What about in the shower? Just get upchuk. Don't upchunk because the chunks get stuck in the shower drain. Oh, do they ever?

Don't they get stuck in any drain? No, a toilet can flush poo as you do. A toilet drain? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's the different? Shouldn't all drains be as big as a toilet drain then? All drains go to heaven. What if you lose a ring?

A toilet drain. What if you're proposing in the shower? That's what I mean. I'm wearing the glasses with the gougly eyes. I want her home by 8.30 to be in bed by nine. We need to make sure that she's safe. That's the thing. Because I can't have her missed the record.

We also don't want to be worrying about it. It's not a punishment. It's a safety measure. I'm sure she's okay. Exactly. Trying to track her on her phone, which I haven't set up, which I should set up. She can watch TV on her iPad and 10. Yeah, she can watch

she just needs to be home by you. I want the iPad to be turned, I'll have my guy turned it off at 10. She can't be watching under the covers and he's going to take it in the closet. Exactly. And he can watch it. He can watch it from 10 p.m. till 6.30 when the alarm goes off. And he uses full volume because he can't have headphones because his ears have cauliflower ear. That's right. He was a former

wrestler. Yeah, which is why I trust him. He went all pro. Yeah, he's great. And he's really, really sweet. She'll like him a lot. She'll like him a lot, but they're not going to talk too much because he doesn't like to really get to know the people because they don't stay. And it hurts those feelings. Yeah, exactly. Because he used to.

He just asked a few cursory questions, maybe where you're from. Name, location, age. Kind of stuff you might need to know for his alarm. Location. Blood type. Location meaning where is she in the world? Yeah, where are you right now?

And then the next. It's like the same test they give you if you've had a serious blow to the head. And I think the next day, so since that's recording day, and we take that really seriously. especially if we're going to have a guest. Yes, we do.

I would say I'd probably have her wake up at 4.30 to kind of center herself. I'd probably have her do a little meditation. Do you do meditation? No, no, no, no. This is for her. I want her to make sure she's totally calm. You just roll out a bit. Yeah, I don't need it.

Day of Record Glam will be 45 minutes. Okay. Okay, exactly. Even if she wants the old age makeup? No, because that's the thing, because the previous day was sort of you getting to know her face. Now you know where you want to go. You have experience.

You have the roadmap, and now you know where you want to go. That's right. Yeah. And I want to go crazy. And you want to go crazy. You want a big eyelash, big mascara, big, fucking eye shadow, big blush. Cat, cat nose.

Cat nose. Oh, I have to have a cat nose. Yeah. Oh, God. We can all do cat noses. And then what time are we taping the show? I think we're doing a 4 p.m. record that day. That's good.

This will give her time. So she'll get ready. She'll be done with you. And no food, no food the day of record because that gets in the way. Oh, so you're not going to cook that day. No. No, we'll eat. None of us eat before a show.

She shouldn't eat. because it kind of slower down. It shouldn't be a little sluggish on my. Yeah, exactly. What about after we do like a, I don't know, like hot pockets or something or banquet fried chicken, like something that's really easy. I think after the microwave, after the record. If we get like the fattest hot pockets that they sell.

You know what I'll do? I'll get a bucket of chicken. Double stuff? I'll put it on the table. Double stuff hot pockets. And a hot bucket of chicken. I'll put a hot bucket of chicken on the table during the record. Piping hot.

Piping hot. Piping. Melting the container. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. chicken peeking out of that bucket as Yeah Yeah kind of like And there's there's a priest and a rabbi

Looking at it kind of longingly Yeah Yeah and then oh no because the chicken I see The chicken's not really happy at the one thing is I think we'll be done with the record at like Probably around 630 is probably too late to get a flight back But she's only doing one episode She can't stay with you that night

She has to find her own I would say that night we're kind of done with our dynamic Yeah yeah she should find her red eye I guess Red eye blue eye whatever she wants to do get her back to the airport as soon as possible. Red eye, blue, I poke it on eye. I don't care. Although I would say if we're being really thoughtful about it

last day, probably going to get her up early and do some glam. Yeah. Because Paul just would be so excited. Paul wants to do. You know, he wants to do like a sort of. Some good by glam. Travel face. And give her some samples to take with her. Yeah. And then but she has to find her own. You should cook that day.

I'll cook that day. Yeah. Lobster bisque. That's a lot of lobster. Okay. Shrimp bisque? Shrimp-bisc? Climbsk? Shrimp and clam bisque.

Yeah. Two separate bisks. Oh, not mixed. Chicken bisk. Well, no, and then I'll do a suicide. What about chicken bisk? Okay. Yeah.

Chicken bisk? Yeah. I guess I could. And you crumble up chicken in a biscuit on top of it. I guess I could do that, yeah. I mean, there will be a lot of chicken left over because no one's eating the chicken. No one's allowed to eat the chicken. It's just to give us motivation.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, because you get really hungry during the record and then, of course, you're a lot funnier. Yeah. But Paige, also, I think it should be clear to Paige, she's not expected to be funny on the show. No. She's not expected. Although would it kill her to be a little funny?

Well, look, she's naturally funny, but I'm saying it shouldn't be a pressure. We would like that, of course. But it's not, honestly, if she's not hilarious on it, we'd be a little disappointed. Here's the thing, though, we reserve the right to scrap the episode. Yes, exactly. So if we don't want to put it out, we don't have to. And we should, we also, Paige, you should know that after the episode, we're going to judge it and say how she did to her face.

We'll each, yeah, yeah, we'll give a first thought. And that'll be a bonus episode, her reaction. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be like the trading spaces reveal. Yeah. Where we reveal how we felt about her appearance. And sometimes people didn't like the house when they came back, you know.

And sometimes they loved it. Why don't we have her stand behind a bus? Yeah. And when we're ready to give our verdict, we'll hold our thumbs up or down. And when the bus moves, she can see. Yes. We will drive to the Greyhound station. She'll make her own way there.

Yeah. And then we'll find a bus that's about to take off. Got it. It's so hard to time because occasionally you're standing behind that bus for like 20 minutes. We're going to scream move that bus until it moved. It won't move based on our yelling. Or until we are removed. If you went down to the bus station and just start screaming, move that bus, eventually they would move.

I think Ty Pennington would appear and do something about it. Anyway, Paige. Okay. Now we've laid it all out. We've laid it all out. You can't refuse. So Paige, the answer is yes or no. If we don't hear from you by the end of April, we will.

We'll move on to Kelly Club. I really don't know. She's had years. I really don't like how you're pushing. She's had years. I just think April is tax season. We need to call a meeting. Excuse me.

You know, they've extended tax date on April 18 at this point. Stop. Stop. Move that bus. Stop. It's not happening in May. No. It's happening before May.

It's disrespectful to Kelly Clarkson if we extended past April. Kelly's heard this by now and she's going, I hope I get a chance. All right. I bet Kelly's people are quicker about getting, like telling her, like, they mentioned you on a podcast. And let me also say, Kelly, completely different set of schedule for you. Like, it's not the same schedule.

There's no omelets. She's in L.A., I assume, for her show. Yeah, she can eat on her own dime. No, no flight. No, of course not. She lives in a little leg from a lot of yesterday. But we'll pick you up and we'll, and each of us, we'll all get in a car together, pick you up. I mean, we'll do an Uber pool.

Together. Yeah, together. Together. Hopefully it's a big enough car. Yeah. We'll see. If not, one of us isn't going to show up. Well, I would be willing to sit in the front or the trunk.

Have you ever gotten an Uber and said, do you mind if I sit in the truck? I've asked. I've begged. Yeah. You know, I did those Ford Focus commercials where I was the voice of a puppet. Oh, yes. I don't know this. Yes, this was.

I would love no more. I want to say like 2012, something like that. I hadn't even met you yet. Just had a minute. you get better for focus um it was me and john ross bowie and a puppeteer who was the movements of the puppet and i was the voice of the puppet yeah and the idea was that the puppet was the new spokesperson for ford focus and john ross bowie was a guy who worked for ford and was there to like wrangle this very unconventional guy the puppet and um we did these uh bits where we would drive somebody around and, you know, they got to drive the Ford Focus. Yes, except no seeing. But it's like that.

Yeah. Like, it's like James Corden. And so John will be talking to them and there's people playing characters driving the car. And then the puppeteer would be in the back seat. And so the puppet was appearing between the two front seats. And then I was in the trunk of the car. Oh. Wow.

With a monitor that didn't work. Of course. It's all for show. Wow. It was. Did I ever tell you the story about one at the time when I, are we, is it time to do it? No, yes. I was waiting for us to finish the page stuff.

We're going to take a break. The longest episode? Oh my God. But most important. We'll be right back. What if the justice system wasn't just about punishment? What if it could support more productive lives, healthier families, and, stronger communities.

We change the quality of life in the neighborhood. Homicides about 44% in the first couple of years. I'm your host, Anna Zamora, and I'll show you what a better justice system actually looks like, because it's already happening. Season 2 of When It Clicked from Lemonada Media is available December 10th, wherever you get your podcast. Well, we're back. Oh my God. eating a snack.

He's got to wash it down with some water, a belly washer. Hint water that we've advertised on our podcast. Thanks, Hint water. Is that coconut? It is coconut. This is one of our sponsors, Hint. Yeah, we just said that. Well, I wasn't on.

Your headphones weren't on. My headphones weren't. I didn't hear it. Oh, your headphones weren't on. So you could only hear our voices in the room. In the room. Which doesn't really register the same way as in the headphones. True.

also you guys are whispered I mean the mics are picking it up but like you guys have never spoken above a whisper We are in three separate corners of the room whispering Yeah because the baby's asleep Well it's time Once again Or a three-cher

Now this is not a game This is a three-cher where we play a game And if you would like to send us one You can write to Freedom USA at gmail.com And that is how we get them okay that's exactly the process i mean it's like it's as simple as that and you send them we get them yeah there's not much more to it after that i'm in god's hands yeah and god does help us in choosing which ones we use god guides my every move even when i do dumb stuff and i'm like

really god really god it's it still cool interesting move okay god so this is submitted by just Russell, two first names, and it is called unprepared pastor. Unprepared pastor. One person is a southern pastor. I think we could be pastors from any region. Yeah, we'll see what comes out. Giving a eulogy that they are willfully unprepared for. The other two come up with a famous person, real or fictional, who died, where they died and where they died and where they died.

maybe the second where is supposed to be when probably or how how that's better i think the when that's better yeah who cares who cares about where too maybe that i bet that's covered in her how it's probably covered in the how yeah but why well because all things must die and god is cruel god is cruel oh the worst uh the pastor then begins the eulogy giving details about the deceased if they are on the right track the congregation says amen if they are saying something wrong the congregation clears their throats and if the pastor is spot on with any of the important details, the congregation hollers, hallelujah.

Got it. If they're struggling to come up with anything, the congregation may feel the Holy Spirit through them and say something about the deceased to lead the pastor on the right track. So it's a sort of like sort of 20 questions kind of thing. Got it. So who would like to be the pastor first?

I think you do. Okay. And then you will decide on a notable person. We'll text each other. Is that? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. all right

I'm going to text to you Lauren is that right yeah and I guess it's somebody you have to know something about their death am I texting something or no no I'm just going to

text you who died and how and then he gets that information I throw things out there so you do not listen to any of that no I was having a personal crisis no it wasn't a crisis

but it was personal why you do the show yeah I was going to like what is he talking about why do I have to listen I mean no no I got I actually So we say hallelujah if you're getting close.

No, if he did it exactly. We say amen if, like, hotter and the right track. Clear your throat if I'm way off. Yeah, yeah. And then hallelujah, if I'm right on. Got it. I love it. All right.

So you have your person? Uh-huh. Oh, my God. Well, beloved, we'll thank you all for being here. What a sad day this is, but also a glorious day because this person is now in heaven with Jesus Christ. no this person

there was a complicated person who maybe did not do the right thing all the time and now amen

they are at peace at least but it's Michael Jackson not even going I would have been so I was I was just for a joke

there's no judgment on this person's character I was distracted by I was thinking of a Michael Jackson I heard on the way over. Which one? P.YT, a pretty old thing. Because I saw a pretty young thing in the back of the...

Hey! What's that? I'm the pretty young thing in the back. Oh, hello. Please. Hallelujah. A little... Whoa, right on.

This man was... Hallelujah. Someone who everyone was familiar with. Hallelujah. Amen. Famous the world. world over. Hallelujah.

And beloved by all? Hallelujah. Let me name. Amen. Wow. I'm getting not so much big signals, but all the signals. Yeah. No.

This person was maybe loved by some and despised by others. Hallelujah. My brother. But one thing we can agree on is that. That their art change the world. Hallelujah. No. Cough, cough, cough.

That their art. They're interviewing. Their acting. They, as a politician. Jesus Christ. Amen. Okay, this person ran for office. Can I say what category of the person is?

If the spirit speaks through you, it's a fictional character. Oh, this is. I don't know that we'd ever get there. Not somebody who we ever met because they were not real. Hallelujah. But a beloved character of fiction from the books. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

I didn't know. And later movies. Hallelujah, my brother. Hallelujah. Who is now, we know for a fact definitely is dead. Hallelujah. Because they died in the thing. Hallelujah.

And we have a great affection for this. Hallelujah. Person. Hallelujah. And an indelible. He big hit. An indelible character That appeared in

More than one book Hallelujah, my brother Maybe Five books At least, hallelujah Maybe 11 books I don't know Maybe seven books

I mean we don't know Maybe 10 books We just don't know It's out of our hand And four movies. Amen, amen. Maybe six movies. Five movies.

Hallelujah. And we... I could be wrong on that. I don't know about that. We know that he was in space. We know that he was a superhero. We know that he was a cartoon character. We know when we think of this man.

And if the spirit moves you, please do not be ashamed to speak out. We know that this man died young, ish. He died at an inappropriate age. Hallelujah. A little too soon. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. And he was a, he was a complicated character.

Hallelujah. It was maybe not nice at first, but then they became nice. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. He lived in England, a long time. Oh, Jesus, God. You lived in America, the United States of America. Hallelujah.

And his story of redemption is one that we spread out over several movies. Hallelujah. Five. We just checked. Hallelujah. Jesus. And we call upon the Holy Spirit. It's going to go on.

Because we've talked about him today, hallelujah. Oh, we have talked about him just this day. Yes. We mentioned him. Such a crazy coincidence. He is not Paige Davis because that is the person we talked about the most. Hallelujah. All of the people may have left our minds.

He, I would say the spirit is speaking through me, brother. Oh, yes, brother. He didn't even know he was a good man. He didn't know anything. He didn't know anything. about anything about himself. Oh, his name, of course, his, and we decided it. His name was Jason Boyd.

Oh, hallelujah, my brother. Even though I don't know that we know for sure that he died. But he's supposed to. We have a reason of how he did. Unrelated to the films, probably. Okay. Unrelated to the film. All right, well, this was a tricky word.

But Jason Boyd, we commend your spirit to fictional God and fictional heaven. He died. of course by choking old peanut he was shot in the fucking face he died peacefully in his bed

strained by grandchildren poison fell down some stairs it's old it's old yeah a sword I mean I guess it's not old

I just took up anyone there's no way COVID-19 you are so specific Diphtheria Diphtheria All right Where do we

How do we know That he's dead Does he die in one of the books? No we're just supposed we're No that was never a rule That he died in the books Let's do another round That was great

Let's do another round Who wants to be it? I assumed if it was a well-known thing That we also knew how this person died No because it could be a famous person that we No we're making up Like Tom Cruise or whatever Yeah we're making it

Okay Oh okay Who wants to go. You do. Great. I think, but hold on a second. If they, if they, should we restricted to people who are actually dead to make it go a little faster?

I think it's more like just 20 questions where you're trying to figure out in a live person and then also the how they died. Yeah. Let's just, yeah. Let's do that. I assumed that it was somebody who had actually died. That would have made sense. It's not even a real person. But I mean, I'm proposing why don't we do that?

because it will be easier I think that's already taken a vote I think that's even harder because I don't know who died yeah I think it's even but then you're still playing the same way no I think it's easier to

I think it should be anyone ever because also if you know how the person died then there's none of the guessing about how the person died I think it's fun to guess these two things fake game well how would I ever have guessed diphtheria

well that's insane I don't know maybe you say like he had stomach problems and then we go Amen, amen. I was never going to get there. You text me a person and how they died. And I'm going to turn it off, do not disturb.

So I receive this text. And then Lauren is going to be the Southern. Or from any region. I don't know which region I'm going to be from. Okay. This is exciting. Have you workshopped a character at all? Yeah.

While he was talking the whole time, I was just thinking about what I would do. Oh, good, good. That's smart. Let's start. Ready? Oh, there it is. I heard that ding.

I heard the ding. Dearly, beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of an amazing, real person. Fictional. Yeah. Oh, oh, hallelujah. Real person who has passed, and we missed. her greatly we miss him greatly we miss him so much and he was

so old and he was very talented in his craft hallelujah amen he was he was an actor he was a musician he was a painter he was a carpenter he was a carpenter

he was a politician he was a teacher he was an astronaut he was he was he was a he was a rapper he was a

just famous for being famous kind of person amen amen amen okay he was might I say something sister because the spirit is blowing through my veins right that.

Speak, brother. Speak on that. I loved to consume what he would do. He was a chef. Amen. He was a food. I think.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. He was a food creator. Hallelujah. And we loved that. And we loved to consume what he created. Hallelujah.

I said that. And we consumed. We consumed his. his meats His cheeses His breads His meats His steaks

His steaks He's George Foreman George Foreman No He didn't make steaks He had that man had a grill But how about the person we're speaking about today He made meats

Exclusively Amen His name was Slim Jim Okay, and this very real person who was a meat seller and chef He, um, his name is Emeril His name was, he was known, he had a TV show Maybe if you tried to figure out the meats He made

The spirit is with you, but hamburgers He made chicken Hallelujah Her do Who made chicken? I mean, the man laying here at rest did, and we love that about him. He was a chicken salesman and a chicken chef. Hallelujah.

And that is something I know a lot about, and he... Can I say this theory is speaking to me? I loved the seven things that he would put on his chicken. No? How many? 11. 11. Even better. He had a TV show? No, he didn't have a TV show. 11 things he put in. Can I also say

anytime I would see Jim Gaffigan portray him on television, it would make me cry. Well, now, may I say something? That one time I saw George Hamilton portray him on television. I was crying myself. And when Norm McDonald also portrayed him before he was. his own death. Kentucky fried chicken man, Colonel Sanders. Hallelujah, sister.

I got there halfway through the descriptions of who did what. And how did he die, sister? He died of COVID-19. I mean. Was Colonel Sanders a real person? Yes. Oh, okay. Hallelujah.

He died of, he died of a heart attack. He died of, of, of leukemia. There's no way to do it. Out of a car accident. Can I say the spirit has moved me here? His death was accidental. In a boat on a train, on a plane, falling on a knife. Amen.

He deep fried himself. He spookoed himself. He fell on a knife. Amen. And fork and cut himself up and served himself with a nice barbecue sauce. He fell. Amen. Hallelujah.

He fell. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. into a room full of swords. I have no idea. It fell downstairs. But why is the knife? Oh, the amen is it's part of it.

Yeah. And then we said hallelujah after fell. Got it. Anyway, that was fun. That was fun. It was fun. Time to wrap it up. Time to wrap it up.

I know. We had an extra page content in there. So page you have until the end of April. Kelly, I hope you were listening because it looks good for you. We know you're listening. We know you're listening. Listen, if you would like to email us, of course, freedom USA at gml.com.

If you would like to call us, send us a, leave us a voicemail. You can call us at Hague Claims 8. Hagg claims, the number eight. And if you want to hear ad-free episodes, and why wouldn't you? Go to Stitcher Premium or CBB World. And guys, that's going to be the end of this episode.

This is really, yeah. We've really done it. There's no more left for this episode. There's nothing left for us to do here. Except say goodbye. That's right. Goodbye. Bye.

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