Threedom - Threevisiting: One Haha

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss road rage, garden gnomes and stovepipe hats before playing Half Life. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail]. Leave us a voicemail at HAGCLAIMS8.com. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Welcome to it. My name is Lauren Lapkus. My name is Paul F. Tompkins. Y'all know me.

Still the same OG. Oh, God. P.U. That sucks. OG? P.U. That sucked. I'm Scott Ackerman.

Hello. That freaking sucked. This freaking sucks. That freaking sucked. Who's got a topic? Who's got a topic? I got a topic. Who's got a topic?

Who's got a topic? Who's got a topic? Who's got a topic? Who's got a topic? Who's got a topic? Who's got a topic? This freaking sucks. That freaking sucks. Who's got a topic? Who's got a topic? I got a topic. I got a topic. Oh, you got a topic? I want to bring this up.

Oh, okay. Oh shit, okay. Now we're recording on Zoom. We're recording on Zoom. Now I'm not, I've not looked at Instagram. Cool Up has mentioned something to me that you're commenting on posts or something. I don't know. I don or something, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So we're recording on Zoom because of the heat. We were in my backyard for many of these episodes throughout this pandemic. All but one. All but one.

I received my first noise complaint from a neighbor the other day. And was it, wait, was it the neighbors that play the music so loud? No, it was not them. They play the music way loud. They are my- What did you do?

During an episode, we've heard them playing their music super loud. Yes, we have. Listen to this. I was aghast. I was by the pool. I was swimming and I turned on the music. This is a Sunday at noon.

A Sunday at noon to receive a noise complaint from a neighbor? When my children sleep. I have never, never heard the like. And he peered over the fence and he whistled at me, an obnoxious whistle. And he was like, hey, you want to turn that music down? And I was, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe it. What a dick.

I could not believe what I was seeing. That is outrageous. And so I think my face betrayed just how dumbstruck I was at what was happening. And he was like, did you hear me? Can you imagine on a Sunday? Who is this bro? And what is his age and deal?

I wanna know what the dynamic- What's his social security number? I wanna know what the status is here. What's his mother's maiden name? What is his, for its pet's name? Now to be fair, this was maybe the third day in the row that we had music on and we're swimming, but still, on a Sunday?

The weekend? I just think if it's the middle of the day- We're trying to listen to a song called I Hate My Neighbor. If it's the middle of the day on a Sunday, it's like, who gives a shit? There's not much you can do. I mean- And like I say, our other neighbors- I. I mean, I don't want you not to have fun.

That they're right next door to as well. Blast. Blast it. Blast. The house that's blasting when we record it is pretty far away. Yeah, they're directly next door to them, but I'm even further.

But this guy was like really into it. So I haven't, this is my first noise complaint I've received in years and years and years. How old is he? I want some details. He's probably, I'm guessing between three and 89. Wow. And that's a guess? That's a guess. Okay. So I'm not.

So he could be two, he could be nine. My question is more, is he around your age? Uh, probably not. He could be 90. My question is more is he around your age? Probably not. He's probably younger. It's just very fucking Balls, it's both scream. It's very aggressive. It's bold to peek over a fence to whistle at some whistle It's someone and then to do it aggressively Yeah, and then rat the old wolf whistle and then rather than say could you turn that down to say, you want to turn that down? Yeah. Like he's your dad or something. Yeah. No, I don't fuck off.

And then when I did it and I still hadn't given him a verbal yes, he was like, did you hear me? And I said, yes. Okay. Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. That really bothers me. I remember there was one time. I'm sorry,. That really bothers me. I remember there was one time. What have you just, I'm sorry Laura, what have you just sunk under the water? The cat's hill.

Well you just slowly dropped out. I do have to say I'm talking to the gardener tomorrow and up go the trees because this cannot happen again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No you do need some trees. We're planting. Starting tomorrow. You need some trees.

You need some trees. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I remember my first apartment in LA, I was hammering into the wall to hang up a fucking little piece of art. Trying to have some tiny comfort in my miserable existence. Exactly. And I think I feel like I probably hit the hammer four times. And immediately heard, do, do, do, like banging back from the other side.

And then I did it again, because I wasn't done, and he did it again. And then I looked through the peephole and he had opened his door to like, and our, I mean, yeah, our walls connected and our doors were next to each other. I was so scared.

Oh yeah. You don't know, yeah. And was this at noon on a Sunday? And it was the middle of the day. I'm like, I'm sorry, someone can't. Well, I don't know if it was a Sunday, but he certainly wasn't working from home. Let's be clear.

I was like, it was like, you have to allow people to make a dot of noise before you get mad. Like I had barely done anything. Give them a dot. Yeah, exactly. In an apartment building, you're gonna hear shit. I mean, like I don't remember ever complaining. That's the thing.

If you, you always buy whatever place you buy or you rent whatever place you rent and you have to take into account like, okay, well there's gonna be, I happen to live next door to people. I'm gonna hear some stuff sometimes. We live in a society. Have I ever told this story? Oh, that's what that's sound. People write that to me. I'm going to hear some stuff sometimes. You know, we live in a society. The joke. Yes. Thank you, Joker. Oh, that's what that's.

You can write that to me. I don't know what that is. Thank you, society. I got. Oh, wait, I have a story. Oh, OK. Thank you. I was in I was in New York. I was performing at the Bell House. After the show, someone gave me some

fan art and it was a portrait of myself, like paint. Like it was, it was, you know, on a canvas. And it's like a little, a little painting. And so I was staying at... The type that Lauren would put up on a wall. I might. Yeah, a little tiny piece of art. I might hammer it up into the wall. I was staying at my friend John Hodgman's, he has an office that has a sofa bed.

So I was staying there and I was coming home very late and I was for sure drunk. I'd had drinks after the show and it's New York. So it's like, I'm getting in at like three you know, three, four AM, something like that. Sure. All still legal and above board. Yes. And I think this will be funny. I will. I will hang this painting in John's office and rather than like take an existing thing down from the wall

and put this in its place, I found a hammer and a nail. Because he had a lot of stuff that he had yet to hang on the walls. And so he had like the hanging tools out. Right. I was like, this will be funny. And so I bang, bang, bang. Because of the hammer. H bang. Goes with the hammer. Hammer the snail into the wall.

Then there is a response bang, bang, bang from the person that I had very definitely woken up in the middle of the night who was on the other side of the wall. And I felt bad about that at the time. And then the next day I felt bad that I put a hole in Jonk's wall. And did you hang it up? Yeah, of course I did. And did he like it? I think he was very good-natured about it and he thought it was funny.

He conceded that it was funny. He never betrayed that he was upset that I fucking put a hole in his wall. Oof. I think that's okay. It was a good spot though. He can hang something there very easily. At one point. You should keep it.

So what are the worst like neighbors with adjoining walls that you've ever had? I can remember one. I was living with a girlfriend and she unfortunately gave this older woman who lived underneath us her phone number, which is a big mistake. Cause the old lady very nicely was like, Oh, Hey, what's your phone number in case I ever need to get ahold of you to like, you know, borrow something. Yeah. And it turned into a, like, if we ever were just talking at 10 30 at night, we would get a call and she'd be like, what are you guys doing up there? Are you vampires?

Oh my God, you gotta block that ass. Are you vampires? This is before caller ID, we had no idea who it was. Oh, yeah. So there's that, but then I was in a condo with Coolop and I had it. You were in a conga line with Coolop? I was in a conga line.

Is that what you had? Da da da da da da. Zap zap zap zap zap zap. Christmas find out who's gay. Doo doo doo doo doo. Condo with cool. A boo boo boo boo boo boo. A bee bee bee bee bee bee.

And we had an upstairs neighbor. Ba ba ba ba ba ba. Are you Billy Crystal's jazz character? A boo boo boo boo boo boo. I knew that you could. I knew that you could. We had an upstairs neighbor who was like 80, and it was a dream because she had to turn her TV up

so loud to hear it, but I don't give a shit because then I'm like, oh, I can turn on my TV. I can turn on my music, whatever. And she could never hear anything we were doing. It was great. I can say, I hate you old lady. At the top of my lungs. Well, I was thinking about,

I mean, I definitely had a lot of bad neighbors and I'm sure I told the story of when I fought with my neighbor about the trash can. Yes. Um, that was pretty intense, but did you get a trading card from him too? Or it was a woman. Oh, someone with a trash can was a woman. There was egg on my face.

And, um, but I did, I was just remembering this story from, and I don't know if I've ever told you this when I was living in Chicago in an apartment, I had two rights, and it was a third floor apartment. Walk up. Yeah, walk up. And we always were coming and going. And so we left our apartment door unlocked all the time. There were two doors to get into the building, and then we would just leave our door open because we always were, there were people coming and

going, people coming over, whatever. And there was only one other apartment on the floor. So it felt like no real risk. And one day I was not there, but my friend, my one roommate had a guy friend who was visiting and he was sleeping in her room in the bed. She was at work and my other friend was, um, not home. I think it was just that guy was just there, but we left the door unlocked and that's not, that's, we all did that. So whatever he, people broke into the apartment building, walked right into our apartment and took my roommate's laptop and mine was right next to it. They didn't take mine. Uh, I think they were running out out by then. And then they, the guy woke up and he like heard them and he was like kind of yelling,

but he was like a really small guy. Like there was a kind of, no, you know, it was just like a crazy sort of moment and not, he was going to do something. And then he chased after them a little bit, but they ran back down. They ran through the whole apartment down the back stairs and ran away. And then that night they came back later. Whoa, cause it was a mocked or? Yeah, they tried again. So we were scared. These people are stupid.

We were scared after that happened. So we had a bunch of friends over and we were all sitting and then they started jostling the back door. And then two guys ran out after them and tried to get them. And they just got to the backyard. two guys ran out after them and tried to get them and, um, they just got to the backyard, but they also stole our, um, barbecue gas tank or whatever. And we're sitting on the front stoop with it,

like just waiting for their ride and someone had seen that. It's crazy. Wow. I had people, uh, well, I think I told you about when someone stole like 500 DVDs out of my condo. And- No, I don't think so. Oh yeah, I just, I was gone for- Did you live in a blockbuster? Why did you have 500 DVDs? How many do you have now?

I don't know. But I live- Thousands. Thousands? The same condo. I'm curious. I don't know. I haven't-

Thousands. I don't know. You haven't been back to that condo when you stole your DVDs. Estimate the number. Estimate. Two. You have two? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't know. Made in Manhattan. So I was gone for one hour getting lunch, and when I walked-

Why are you mad that I'm asking you this? Because I just don't know. I don't, I mean, I don't- I literally don't know. I couldn't even estimate. Okay, fine, fine. 500? I don't know. Okay, so you replaced all 500.

Sure. I would just keep it at 500. Okay. So I was gone for one hour. And when I walked back into my place, I sat down with my lunch that I had gotten. And I looked at, at the time, like my entertainment system had shelving around it and that's where they all were. And I looked there and they were empty.

And I was like, what? Oh my God. What happened? And so Coolop, I told Coolop about it cause she came home and she went to my neighbor, the crazy one who I think I mentioned who had half of her brain removed who would just walk into my place sometimes and go,

hi, where are you? Half my brain is gone. Do you want to get ice cream? Have you seen it? Hi Lauren. And so Coolop goes to her place and says, hey, someone stole like 500 DVDs out of our place. And the woman says, well, they're not at my place.

Do you want to look in here? They're not here. You can look if you want. Oh. So we think it's her. But I don't even. It remains an open case. Oh. So we think it's her. It remains an open case. I don't even think she would ever even sell them or whatever. We went to Amoeba and said, if anyone brings these in, you know, they're, they're hot.

But, um, I think she just threw them away because she's not part of his one red shoe. He had a, he had a brain injury, a brain injury that had a brain injury. A brain injury. A brain injury. A brain injury. And he would walk around downtown Evanston. What is the word for singing, you know, talking about something like, I want to say, the word's not espowing. What is the word? Espousing?

Yeah, is that what I mean? Yeah. Well, keep going and let's see. Talking shit. Talking about how people need to wear a helmet Yeah. Is that what I mean? Yeah. Well, keep going and let's see. Talking shit. Talking about how people need to wear a helmet when they ride their bike because he had this accident. He had a helmet that he would wear when he would just walk around and he would come up

to me and my friends and I always would go shopping when I was in like fifth grade to get baby babies with my two friends and he would say three musketeers. He would yelled us from down the street, three musketeers, three musketeers that he'd start and we'd go like, Oh no. And like, we have to talk to this guy. And then he would come up to us and be like, were you carrying swords? Yeah. And we had our stupid feathers in our caps and he would always, he would always go on and on about how you have to wear a helmet, but you could never get away. And we were like 10.

So you didn't really know how to, you know, and he would just tell you that you have to wear a helmet because he, and he would tell his whole accident, everything that happened. But it's kind of the only thing he said. And he would just walk around and tell people about that. Oh, that's sad. That's very sad, but he probably helped a lot of people. I mean, I never forgot it. Helmet awareness probably was not, you know, that widespread back then.

Right. And I didn't want to wear one because I thought it wasn't cool. Yeah. I mean, that's the problem. Do you know, I didn't like wearing a bike. I did not like wearing a bike helmet for the longest time. I still don't like it, but I didn't wear a bike helmet for the longest time until and I may have told you this before, until I still don't like it, but I didn't wear a bike helmet for the longest time until, and I may have told you this before, until Janie and I's relationship got serious. And then I realized, Oh, someone else cares.

To protect your head. Yeah. If my head is cracked open on the sidewalk, and then I started wearing a helmet. I, I never, I, and I never looked back after that. I always wear a helmet. What is, can you tell the story about you driving, not driving, riding your bike on the sidewalk, was it? Do you remember the story?

I think about it sometimes. Yes. Yes. I think I know the one you're talking about. I was riding my bike near, I think I was on my way to UCB or something. I feel like it was near Gelson's. I imagine it in front of Gelson's. No, it's before I got to Gelson's.

Okay. But it is on that same street. I was riding on Franklin and I was riding past the Sohardman building. Lauren's moved back from the microphone. Like she will not be recognized. She wants to absorb my... I'm not interrupting.

I'm not interrupting. She's just in awe of this story. Like, Paul on a bike. I gotta sit back for this one. I'm just letting it be told. Very briefly. For once in my goddamn life. Do you think the Musketeers, do you think they were bummed out by their dumb hats or

do you think they were proud of them? The actual people? Yes. I think they were proud of them. That actual people? Yes. I think they were proud of them. That seems like it was a pretty cool fashion thing. They were probably in fashion at the time, so it was like, check these out. And it was very eye-catching, and it was elaborate.

Big dumb ass feather in them. Yes, exactly. And they're super memorable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We remember them to this day. It's like Scott's leather cap. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh! Maybe I'll bring back the musketeer hat. It is weird when things that would be never come back into fashion. Like platform shoes did for room. Yeah, like everything 90s is back. But like, what about 1890s? Yes. Oh, wait. Oh, so I'm riding my bike and I.

I all of a sudden, this. Person. Jump steps out in front of me from an apartment building with their dog, who is not on a leash. And I skid like I slam on my brakes and I skid and I keep going. And this person yells at me, it's illegal to ride your bike on the sidewalk. And I fucking stopped and turned around and I said,

it's illegal to have your dog off the leash. Nice. And then she said, oh wait, are you Paul Of Tonkin? Oh my God. And I said, oh wait, are you Paul F. Tongue? Oh my god. And I said yes. And she said, I'm a big fan. And I said, well, thank you very much. Oh my god.

It's so embarrassing. Oh my god. It was great because we were both wrong. That's so crazy. The other day when we were, well, I guess it was a few weeks ago, we were recording at Scott's and then I drove home and this guy, I was going to turn left, no, I was going to turn left and there was a green arrow left and it took me one second to hit the gas, like one second. You know what I mean?

Like I was like. As they say in New York minute. And the guy behind me was like, nah, and then I immediately gave him the finger because I have reflexes, you know? Yeah. And then I was like, damn it. Because I have reflexes.

Because I'm a human being. Because I'm fast. I mean, it's just like, I'm going, you fucking asshole. Like, oh my God. And like I turn and then he's on my ass and then he, he's coming up behind me and I'm like, oh shit. And then he pulls up next to me at the stoplight and, and there's plenty of room for him to go forward, but he stops next to my car and he stared at me.

He was in a big truck and he, he just was, I didn't, I didn't even glance at him. He was in a big truck and he just was, I didn't even glance at him. He was in the pickup truck, not a truck truck. I just stared straight ahead kind of like smiling. It's the best. It's the best thing you could do. I mean, and he's staring at me. He's staring at me. And then he eventually drove off and then I just had to kind of like hide behind other cars until he was like really far away. And then I kept going. But because I was like, at a certain point,

I might get, you know, my ass beat. Yeah. We once, when I worked at the Los Angeles Times selling telemarketing, selling the paper over the phone. What's it gonna say? Selling telemarketing seems a little bit... When I was at the Times, I was working on the gangs in the sheriff's department. I was at the Times, I was working on the gangs in the sheriff's department.

I was 17. I was still in high school. So my friend- Oh, so it was a very good year? We would all drive to my friend's house and then he would drive to the LA Times because it was a half hour away. Hold on. What'd you say? I couldn't hear you.

We were at Carpool, in other words. Much like the recent Carpool Karaoke series, which has delighted America and beyond. Did you know James Corden? Did you know who James Corden was before the Late Show? Yeah. What's your question? Okay.

Did you know who he was before he was? Yeah, I did from the TV show, Gavin and Stacey, which I highly recommend. Into the woods. I thought it was really exciting. I didn't know who he was and I was like, oh, how cool they kind of picked someone I don't know who they are.

But I guess he was famous. But it wasn't cool. Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess just cause I didn't know who he was didn't mean he was famous. But it wasn't cool. Well, I guess just because I didn't know who he was didn't mean he was like, you know, an up and comer. Right. It's nice to personalize like that. Oh, it's cool. They pick someone that I don't know who it is. So we used to carpool to the L.A.

Times and my friend was driving. My friend. This is my friend who wanted the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Oh, wow. That guy is still your friend at this. This was wanted the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Wow. Oh, that guy, he's still your friend at this point. This was before the Rocky Horror. He was so obsessed with that. It was honestly rude. So it was his turn to drive that day.

So we get into his car and he cuts someone off and the guy beeps really loud. And he flips him off out the window. The guy follows us for a half an hour all the way to the Los Angeles Times and then like pulls into the parking lot where we work and gets out and confronts my friend. And my friend backed off so hard.

He's like, oh no, no, no, I was taking out a cigarette and just, it was a cigarette that you saw. These are flesh colored cigarettes. They're very special imported. He's like, Oh no, no, I was merely and then did it work out a cigarette. And the guy's like, Oh yeah, well you better watch yourself pal. And then drove, drove away. I mean, this is the thing. I feel like I throw the finger out pretty, pretty readily, but I, I know it's

bad. So I really, I don't want to do it. It's just so, some people are so fucking annoying. And there's people who do really dangerous things, but then you're like, they can get more dangerous. No, I've had like guns pulled on me and shit while driving and, oh yeah, yeah. Really, what? Yeah.

Like a dude just, I remember I was downtown and I cut off like- I can't believe all the fucking restaurant stories we had to sit through. Just to get to the gun stories? Cause that is part of my like, my freak out daydream after I do it is, oh, they're gonna pull up next to me and put a gun up.

Yeah, yeah, that's happened to me, where a guy like just tapped on the window with a gun and like showed it and I was like, I just like ran through the red light and got out of there. Jesus, like this was an attempted carjacking No, well, no, it was someone that I cut off in traffic or whatever and they were trying to say and they wanted to jack your car He's wanted to show you he has a gun has a gun and could you know, like don't do anything or whatever

But yeah, don't ever come again. There's fucking crazy people out there So you gotta keep it cool on the road and And it's hard to, cause I haven't, I've barely driven in a whole year, but five minutes on the road, I was like going, fuck you. Screaming at people. Yeah. But I mean, for the most part, I think I, I used to have way worse road rage.

And I feel like now I'm, I'll just kind of casually flip people off. But beyond that, I like take it pretty slow and like let people in and like, I'm not, I really don't drive recklessly. I think that's the problem with road rage is like you're, you are so polite and you let people in and to see someone who's not polite, it enrages you.

It does, therapist. I do. I had a guy once. Can I be your therapist? I really do want to tell you a lot of secrets. Like how much do you pay your therapist right now? Because I'll do it for half. I'm not going to say how much I pay because I feel like people are going,

nuts and son, you can't get therapy for free. It's not working. You're getting ripped off. You're nuts. I once had a guy, I was coming up to a yellow light and it felt on the line to me and I didn't want to like accelerate to go through it. So you stopped. So I stopped, like right.

And you know. You can't be mad at someone for that. Like we probably could have both made it through this yellow if we both sped up. But you're being safe. But I was like, well, I'm not gonna, you know, I'm not in a rush, you know. So as I slowed down, it turned red.

And then the guy behind me, the guy behind me like threw up his hands in like a, why? Like I was being ridiculous. And so I just did it back to him in the car, like mocking him like, ooh. Oh no. I don't know.

I don't know what he did. But he didn't do it, then I don't know. I don't know what he'd do. But he didn't do it. Then I didn't look. I didn't, I, because I- You can't ever look again. I looked, I assessed, I felt like I assessed the situation. I'm like, no, this guy's like me.

He's not gonna do anything. Yeah. Two pussies throwing up their hands. Two pussies throwing up their hands. Do you know that intersection on, on Griffith Park? I know every intersection in Los Angeles. Go. Okay. Yeah. Me too. Could you live in an apartment on Griffith Park right before the five Griffith Park?

And I'm going to look it up. Riverside. Not before Riverside before you get to Riverside. But I'm going to look it up right now. Um, but, uh, it's, uh, uh, uh, it's Griffith park Boulevard and, uh, Los Feliz. Okay. So there's a red light that it says no turn on red light, no right turn on red light. And it's one of the only ones in Los Angeles. And so much church bells going off.

Yeah. I have a church. I have a church. And this guy comes over on a fence on a Sunday. Um, that is my, I have a wind chime outside my office door. Oh, I love a wind chime. Wonderful. I love a wind chime as well.

That's replacing the bird sounds from my backyard. Your wind chime. Right? Wind chimes, you know, it's a specific thing. You got to get just the right one. You got to love winds and you got to love chimes. It's very true. I got, I got, this is like a, uh, it's a sort of nautical one.

So it's like a ship's bell sound kind of. I like it. Um, yeah, I really, it's very, I get why, like as I'm getting older, it's very tempting to buy a bunch of shit like that for your house. And I get how it happens now. There's a house in your neighborhood where people have like just plants and shit

all over the place. I understand it now. And the temptation is you have to resist. You must resist. Yeah. Edit. Edit you have to resist. You must resist. Yeah. Edit. Edit, you must edit? You must edit.

I'm actually on a hunt for some good garden gnomes. Hunt. So, okay, so I'm at this red light and I'm with Coolop and my friend. I also want to get into what constitutes a good garden gnome, but go ahead. You're at the red light. I only have found one so far.

And we're at the, we're the first, how do you say this? We're the first- Indigenous people. Yes, we are the first indigenous people. No, we're the first people at this light. So there's no one in front of us. You're indigenous to the light. Yes.

So, but it's big giant sign that says, no turn on red. No turn on red. Guy behind us starts laying on his horn trying to get us to go. And we are pointing at the sign. We're like reaching out our fingers and pointing at the sign. Guy's still laying on it.

Finally, he gets out and comes over and goes, hey, motherfucker, you better get the fuck out of my way. We're like, we can't turn, it's illegal. He's like, you better get the fuck out of my way cause I have a gun and I'm gonna shoot you dead right's like, you better get the fuck out of my way. Cause I have a gun and I'm going to shoot you dead right now. If you don't get the fuck out of my way. And his girlfriend is there and we're like, well, we'll do it. Shoot him.

No, at one point she goes, yeah, piece of shit. That's crazy. Were you really scared? So we just like, my friend just terrified, pulled over to the right a little bit. And the guy just like screeched around him and went through the red light. And what you could have done anyway, if you wanted to. Yeah. What do you mean? I mean, yeah, we had this happen recently where there was this, um, it's like a weird

turn. It's a weird light. We're like, she blew a bubble. She was wearing like a crop top too. And Yeah, piece of shit. And she blew a bubble. She was wearing like a crop top too and she was kind of overweight. I assumed. And it was just like. Ha ha ha ha ha. There's this light where it's like the oncoming traffic

has a red. On traffic. Even though the oncoming traffic from the other side, it's like, you know, just a two-way thing. Basically, from my side, it's green and from their side, it's red. And I don't, I can't tell that. Is it Hollywood and, uh, no. Okay.

But, but so my point is that I, I'm going to turn left on my green or Mike and I are going to turn left and we pull into the intersection and this woman is good trying to turn as well But she doesn't do anything and we're going go Go Shit and then I have a gun and then like minutes, you know or seconds into it we realized Oh, no, she has a red light cuz she's going And we were just screaming at her to go. We actually had the right of way and it was just. Did you say sorry or anything?

We were like, I did. I hate when if I'm making a left turn somewhere and I'm in I'm in I'm the lead car, right? Yeah. And you're in pole position. That's what I'm in pole position. And if I can see something that's coming up and I stop for it, like if there's another car coming up.

Exactly. And then the fucking person behind me is like, go, go! And it's like, do you, why would I just stop? Why would I go and then just stop for no reason in the middle of fucking street? I've definitely had it where I've been like, I've gotten mad that the person's not going

and then I realized there's like a little old lady crossing the street. Yeah. Yes, a little old lady who is crossing fucking street. I've definitely had it where I've been like, I've gotten mad that the person's not going. And then I realized there's like a little old lady crossing the street. Yeah. Little old lady who is crossing the street. Little lady. Cream that person. Run them over. Go. I have to shit. It's why we all have to cool it out there on the road because it's like, we're all trying our best.

Words of wisdom, Scotty. We all got to cool it out there on the road. And when you think about it, like, yes, I used to be really mad on the road when I was getting to a job that would, if I was ever clocking in late, they would, you know, like fire me or whatever. Or fire you.

Doc my pay, whatever. But now really, who gives a shit if we're ever late to anywhere we ever go to? You know, like what percentage of people out there on the road are really needs are late who need to get there. Or even, I feel like in LA it's like, yeah, everyone's late but you just accept that.

But you know what I mean? We're like 60 seconds is going to make the difference. I know, I know. I mean, you know, everyone's late to everything out here. Let's get into the gnomes. Oh yeah, okay. So- Wait, should we take, let's take a break and we'll get into the gnomes. Oh yeah, okay. Wait, should we take, let's take a break and we'll get into the gnomes.

Oh, teaser. Yes, come back for Gnome Talk. Lauren's Gnome Talk. You won't wanna stop listening. We'll be right back. Tired of not being able to get ahold of anyone when you have questions about your credit card? Well, with 24 seven US based live customer service from discover,

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This year has gone by so quickly, right? Am I right? Person that I'm talking to who's listening to me right now, right? Well, right now is the perfect time, even though we're not halfway through the year necessarily, but it is the perfect time, in my opinion, to reflect on everything that we've accomplished so far, as well as all the things that we still want out of the year. Therapy can be so helpful in that reflecting process.

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash 3DEM. Hey everyone, here's a hot tip for your summer reading list. If you loved Crazy Rich Asians, you're in for a treat. Kevin Kwan is back with his latest novel, Lies and Weddings. Lies and Weddings brings us to a decadent Hawaiian wedding where a forbidden love affair erupts vulcanically. It's the perfect summer beach read, hilarious, entertaining, and impossible to put down. It's like Crazy Rich Asians meets the White Lotus.

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So don't wait, grab your copy of Lies and Weddings wherever you buy books. And we're back. of Lies and Weddings wherever you buy books. And we're back. So gnome talk. So I'm on the hunt for some. I wanted to get a gnome. I'd like to have a few gnomes, OK? Sure. Ideally, as we as I've mentioned multiple times, I thought Trolls World tour was like the funniest movie

I would like this is become I Would like to have a couple gnomes that are not I know that's not what a troll is But I don't want you know close to get okay. Yeah, I also thought the gnomes trailer was pretty funny Okay, what about Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, was that another one? Yeah, it was I thought that was funny too. Okay, so I know me if I know if I know y'all know me still the same old T So I might not hunt for not gnomes, but you know It's really hard to find because there's a lot of very quote-unquote funny gnomes out there where they're doing that's gilding

quote-unquote funny gnomes out there where they're doing that's gilding the lily exactly there and they're really over the top I mean there's like a gnome on a cell phone a gnome on a surfboard then there's a gnome like mooning you and it's like yes a gnome would do that if they were real I mean they were real they do it all the time but it is funny but do I want to see it every day no no so you need a tarp for this Every other day. I got one gnome so far. I'm taking it slow. I don't want to just buy whatever I see now How big is this gnome? This one is small. It's oh, it's little but it's only a head little for a gnome, but big for a penis

It's wait, it's only a head? It's probably seven inches tall judging by a seven inch dick. And it's, um, it is- I know my seven inch dicks. That's exactly the length of that. So you know, it's not like a Smurfs or three apples high. A gnome head is a seven inch dick long. It's like, it's exactly an inches. It's just, you have, it's all like a smurfs or three apples high. A gnome head is a seven inch dick long. It's like, it's exactly an inches.

It's just, you have to say dick. So, um, the, it's from target and, uh, it was only $10 and the, a lot of gnomes are overpriced, which I want to say a lot of gnomes are coming in at 30 to $60. And I'm just going, it's, it's a gnome. I don't know how I feel about this. What do you think Paul? Why is it just a head? Is that why it's only $10?

It's an aesthetic design. Yeah, it didn't spring for the body. So- Do you have a saw here? It's a white ceramic gnome face and it's like all white with like a beard. And then it has a bronze cone hat that is really 90% of it and I think it's very funny. Now that's funny because it's just charming.

It's charming. Oh here I'll try to find you a picture. I want to see a picture. Yeah. Yeah I want to see a picture of this gnome before I decide if it's funny. Okay. Target gnome. Hold on, we're halfway there. Got it right now. Target gnome. Now that was an exciting movie. Will Smith. Oh, and you can't see his face.

Will Patton. It's really a nose and a beard and a hat. Wait a minute, is it even a humanoid face? It's not even painted or anything. It looks like a little hamster or something with a hat on. Wait a minute, is it even a humanoid face? It's not even painted or anything. It looks like a little hamster or something with a hat on. Do you know what a gnome is? Oops.

Maybe smaller? Good. Look, send this to Paul because he's got to put it up on the 3dumby Instagram. It's a man's nose. Does it have eyes? No, that's what's funny. What is funny? I don't understand that. Okay, Lauren, you got ripped off and you're too proud to admit it. Does it have eyes? No, that's what's funny. What is funny?

You got ripped off and you're too proud to admit it. It's literally seven inches long Now I like the fact that you're so diluted that you like it I like it You're really fucking matters. I like it because I Like it because it's like you don't really know what it is and then if you look a little closer you see. Yeah, I don't. I still don't. Oh my fucking. I mean, yeah, that's a weird one.

Why are you so mad? I mean, I like that you're not just getting regular old gnomes and putting them out on your lawn like a weirdo, but. I is, I would say this is representational. It's more abstract. When you, yes, it's more abstract. It's abstract, and that's what I find humorous about it. And I do. Humorous though.

Because it's, it is funny, it is. Scott, you're not fucking cracking up at this? Come on. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna put a poll. Don't be cool for once. I dare you to text us to our text chain of other people and see if anyone clicks on it and says, ha ha.

No one's gonna click it. It's that ha ha just from me linking to it. Well, that's what I mean is like a lot of times on this text chain, people will send pictures and everyone go, ha ha, that's funny or a headline or something like that. If anyone says ha ha. You want me to send it to them right now?

Yeah, you say it's so funny just from looking at it. Lauren, you maintain this is hilarious. I'd like to see how normal people react. If it gets one ha ha and you can't tell Mike to do it. Then we'll say it's funny. But if more likely than not, people will do the question mark. Oh, this is exciting.

People will do the question mark. This is exciting. People will do the question mark. I mean, I'm embarrassed. I just texted it. Okay, she's done it. She's done it. We'll see by the end of the show, we'll see if anyone, oh, wait, did you do it, Paul? I didn't do it.

Paul did it. Oh no, this is... Hey, you just ruined the expression. Oh, man. I'll remove my ha ha. Okay, remove your ha ha, thank you. Okay, so the ha ha's gone. We'll see if any of the. I'll remove my ha ha. Okay, remove your ha ha, thank you. Okay, so the ha ha's gone. We'll see if any of the other people

comply with a ha ha. And we'll be tracking this throughout. Yeah, we'll do a ha ha tracker. Lauren has said, react honestly. React honestly. And then she's saying, she's trying to ruin this. She says, this is a freedom test. Enough qualifiers.

But I just wanna see if it receives a ha ha. But see, I could be against it. They don't know where I stand. True, that's true. I think we're gonna get a lot of people just saying like, why, what is it now? Instead of just a true, just like, how would people react to it?

No one would write anything to that because it's not- Because it's not funny! But it's not funny in that way It's funny in a way where you if you picture it in your yard, you can go But now how is it displayed in your yard you just sit it on the grass Well, that's what I'm gonna I'm not sure you we've received something from Janie. Okay, Janie says my reaction is just ew. That's not what I'm looking for. Okay, we got some more. Oh, Lauren just says LOL.

It looks like three different things all lewd. It is seven inches. She's very dirty, my wife. Okay. Again, maybe that's funny. I mean, that's not why I liked it. It sort of looks like an upside down vanilla ice cream cone with a chocolate or a caramel sort of.

I wanna put it kind of, I wanna blend it into some foliage. Okay. It's not a main piece. It's a sort of, It's a side piece. You're looking around and you come across it and it's like, oh, there's a sort of, you're looking around and you come across it and it's like, oh, there's a gnome.

I'm gonna get some more traditional gnomes as well. But I- What drew you to gnomes? Oh, other than Trolls World Tour. I want some funny lawn stuff. I think it's fun. You wanna have a lawn but still laugh. I want magical.

I want magical. Not funny necessarily, but I want the feeling of- Whimsical. Whimsy. Yes. Ah. Do you- Fun and whimsy. Do you want other people to see this or is this just for you? No, it's just, it's for me.

I mean, if someone comes over and they look around, sure. Look around. I'm happy. You know, I like, you know what I like- When people come over, do they normally look around? Yeah, you know what I like? Little do you look them over, do they normally look around? Yeah, you know what I like? Little fairy houses when people build those into the trees, when they put like a door on a tree and- Oh yeah.

Lauren, do you remember the viral fairy? Oh, the viral fairy house. That touched my heart. I love that so much, and I would like to have one of those on a tree. Like I would like to build a little thing like that. I think that's so cute. It was adorable.

Did Pippi Longstocking have a tree, like a hiding space in a tree? What am I thinking? Oh, I know. Shit, weird hair. Pippi Longstocking is coming into your world. What? I don't want that.

That's what it is. I feel like there was a book I read as a kid with a female protagonist who had a secret hiding place in the knot of a tree. Although am I thinking of To Kill a Mockingbird now? I think that's what you're thinking of. Okay. I once did Pippi Longstocking braids

with a hanger in the back of my head. That makes sense. What, what I was saying or what she was saying? Because we were talking at the same time. Yeah, it was great. I could tune out completely. I put a hanger through my hair and I made wired braids.

Yes, that's the way to do it. And Scott, what did you say? I feel like Pippi Longstocking had a thing with a tree, but I don't know what it was. Like a secret headquarters in a tree. There also, by the way, there was a book series I read about kids investigating crimes and they had a secret lair underneath a junkyard

with a secret hideout that fascinated me. And I tried to replicate it once when my dad dug up a tree in our front yard and we did a secret fort underneath in the big hole in the ground with like a plank of wood and put dirt over it and then surprised people who would come by by jumping out of it. So I've always, if you know what those books are

please let the Freedom USA Instagram know. Can I've always, if you know what those books are, please let, uh, the freedom USA Instagram. No. Can I ask something? Hmm. Yeah. What is the way that I didn't give my permission? Yes. Thank you. What is something you guys have bought recently? And it doesn't have to be as polarizing as my fucking canopy groceries. Uh, yeah, this is an episode of add to cart slash groceries. But Scott, are you think you'll ever go on add to cart? I've never been invited.

Probably not. So what have you bought? Well, I'm iPad. You've been given for free. Don't count. Yeah, I know. Let's see. I pre-ordered a Prince's't count. Yeah, I know. Let's see. I pre-ordered Prince's new record.

Um, new record. I gonna need more info on how that came about. His, his new record or have you heard some news about Prince recently that we haven't heard he, he shelved an album. Prince recently that we haven't heard? He shelved an album and so, you know, his... And somebody else said, we can make money off of this. Yeah. Well, the heirs to his estate... This thing he didn't want out there.

No, there's discussion about this. He apparently knew when he died, all of this stuff would come out and he's fine with it. And then other people think, well, no, he didn't want any of it to come out. But his estate feels that he wanted all of this to come out. And so they're, they're putting it out, but but has he put this in writing anywhere? No, he had no will. He had no, that's a big problem. That's why we all can lay claim to anything of his. Yes. That's why we get all of his records for free now. How did you have no? Hi, Franny.

By the way, Jessica says, Jessica's weighed in. She says, I don't mind it. Thank you. But she doesn't think it's funny. That's what we're testing. So far, no one has said ha ha. I'm not worried. So Prince. They're putting out this unreleased record,

but the reason I pre-ordered it is because if you buy the super deluxe version, it includes a Blu-ray or a DVD, I'm not sure, of Paul and I went to see him from those shows, not the specific show that Paul and I were at, but that series, he did 21 nights here in LA. And this was one I did not see in person, so I...

Who was the special guest the night we were there? Was it, I mean, normally it was like Sheila E. or The Time or sometimes Gwen Stefani. No, but I feel like there was always like an extraneous celebrity who would show up and get on stage for two seconds. And just dance during the, yeah. Sometimes it was Gwen Stefani, sometimes it was,

I don't remember. I think Kim Kardashian was there one time. Yeah, yeah. She couldn't dance and then everybody got, everyone's just like. Everyone's just like, whatever, yeah. But it's like everyone would make her into a demean. Who are you to not dance for this?

Didn't he say like, get the fuck off my stage if you're not gonna dance or something like that too? I think something like that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I love that. I bet she can't dance, or the people will make fun of her. I think that if she ever were to even stand up, that ass would just pull her down to the ground. Oh my God. Okay. So Janie said, like I said,

it looks like three different things to me with a crying laughing emoji, which could imply she finds it funny. No, she finds herself funny. Can you, okay, let's weigh in and say Janie, why are you laughing? What does this emoji mean? Um, I can't believe Prince didn't have a will. She says that rolled in pubic hairs first and now she's laughing at her own joke.

Now I gotta return it. Jessica. Yeah, because Jessica said it looks like an ice cream cone that fell on the ground to me. And then Janie added her filth. Tim just says upside down cream cone check. And is that funny? Cream cone!

Hey, you guys want to go out for cream cones? Should I ask, do any of you find it funny? You're tainting the experiment. Janie says because it looks like a vibrator. She says it's... So technically she is laughing because she thinks it looks like a vibrator. She says it's... So technically she is laughing because she thinks it looks like a vibrator. So does that count? That does.

I think it's funny. Is she laughing because she thinks it looks like a vibrator or she's laughing because... She pointed out that it looks like a vibrator. Yes. I think she's laughing at her own observation. I don't think she's laughing at the thing itself. I don't think it's funny that it looks like a vibrator. I agree.

I think it's tragic. I can't wait she's laughing at the thing itself. I don't think it's funny that it looks like a vibrator. I agree I think it's tragic. I Can't wait to display this I'm getting Get 10 it'll look like bowling pins Tall John says I've expelled similar items That's that's about right. Yeah, that's yeah, that's the tenor of his texts. Nora, just ignoring it. Ignore her. Do you think she still has a phone? I don't know.

We've been on this text thread for literal years now, and there's one person that just never ever chimes in. And it's got to be annoying because it's a lot of texts. Oh yeah, sometimes I will wake up and there will be a hundred texts. I silence that chain, but I check it. But I check it. Can you silence a chain? This is groundbreaking. You put the chain on the under stir.

And then you check when I always check it. And it just does it for one particular chain? Yeah. Holy shit. Swipe over on that shit. OK, this is wow. This is amazing. I gave Franny a haircut and everyone thinks it looks holy shit. Swipe over on that shit. Okay. This is, wow, this is amazing. I gave Franny a haircut and everyone thinks it looks like shit. What is she supposed to look like? I mean, it's, she's a dog. I think she looks good.

Thanks. Hi Franny. Hi Franny. Franny's got a haircut. My dog groomer was, I called them a month ago and I said, can I make an appointment for dog a month ago and I said, can I make an appointment for dog grooming? And then they said, our next availability is in May. And then I said, I'll go somewhere else. Of course I didn't find anywhere else, but I did meet, I found like a bunch of reviews for horrible places that were like,

once a million, once our reviews were like, that people post a picture of their dog and it was like so fucked up looking that you're like, how the fuck did this happen? I have to, where did you, I wanna see this so bad. I'll send you the place. Please. And then I Googled,

cause I was like, what about like Petco? I can't just walk into a Petco and do it. And then I Googled that. And the first thing that came up was about dogs that had died at the Petco after getting groomed. Oh no. What? Or like PetSmart Pet dogs that had died at the Petco after getting groomed. Oh no! What?!

Or like PetSmart Petco. I think it was Petco. After getting groomed and then they died? It was like, why did those eight dogs die after getting groomed at Petco or whatever? What?! Well, not going there. By the way, they're sponsoring us this week, so we want to- You can bleep out, bleep out, pep, bleep out, pep, bep, bep, bep, bep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep, pep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, bleep out, UCB. Tom Lennon and Matt Myra, I think, put

it together. Somebody else who did not perform, but helped put it together. It was, there was some gym in LA that had just hundreds of one star reviews. And this place, like you read the reviews, this place sounds disgusting. And we do it. We did a show. It was like an hour long show where people one by one got up and did dramatic readings of these one star reviews. It was a really funny show. Wow. I got a watch. Oh no, you did it already. I thought you were in it. Wow reason. I don't think so. I did the night of 140 tweets or whatever.

That's maybe what you're thinking of. It wasn't, but thanks. Oh no, I mean, when you think of me being out of it. No, I appreciate it. Oh, okay. If you're imagining me on stage, it was probably that night of 140 tweets. I'm imagining you and you're wearing a suit of armor,

but with a football helmet. I'm like uncomfortable in my chair. Why? Get up, dance around. What's up with your butt? I have a dog in my lap. David Bowie taught me it was cool to be uncomfortable in your chair.

Really? Yeah. RIP. What did you buy recently? Oh no, you talked about your gnome. How about you, Paul? That's All right babe. What did you buy recently? Oh no, you talked about your gnome. How about you Paul? That's why I asked. I don't fucking know.

Oh, you know what? Where is it? Is it in here? Yeah, I'll show you. Paul just did like a double take where he's like, I don't know. And then saw it and went boing. I remember.

Oh, I bought that. And now he's getting up and walking away. Probably to retrieve the item. Lead him. Are you talking to me or are you talking to your dog? Getting up and walking away. Probably to retrieve the item. Lay down. Are you talking to me or are you talking to your dog? I bought this hat. Whoa! You didn't already have that? I did not already have that.

It looks like a Civil War hat? It is. It's from the Union Navy. It's a replica of a reproduction of a Union Navy hat that I came across, you know, like it just got stuck in my feed somehow, right? And this is from the Instagram ad? No, it's not from an Instagram ad. It was I was shopping for something else.

And then this popped up some other kind of hat or whatever. And then for some reason, I got very paranoid that it was a Confederate hat. Right. That it was on the wrong side. Because I saw I saw an officer's hat that had the same insignia and I was like, Oh shit, what the fuck did I do? Right. And so I look, I was like in bed scrolling and searching and trying to find like, and then I finally, like the fortune.

In bed. And then I finally was able to confirm that it was the correct side. Oh thank god. Yeah, you stamped it out. That's lucky. Paul, do you think the stovepipe will ever come back? I hope so. I'd wear one. I saw a young man smoking out of a...

What kind of pipe is this? Where it's like, like a Mearsham pipe, like a Sherlock Holmes deal. Yeah. I guess I'm talking about the hat style. And I was like, oh, do you, I'm talking about the hat style, the Abraham Lincoln, the tall, tall top hat. What did you call it? Stove pipe. That's what it's called. Because it looks like a, uh, you know, the old fashioned stove that had the pipe.

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. And it's like, can you imagine like the first person wearing one of those hats and you're like, this looks good. And then you get out in the world and somebody's like, Hey, it's like you weren't a stovepipe on your head. You're like, you got to think though that like a Brooklyn hipster must have tried it once. And then someone's like, look at Abraham Lincoln over here.

Oh my God. Don't you think? You know, I had one and I wore it, the last time I remember wearing it was to Jimmy Pardo's Pardcastathon when he was doing it at what? Stovepipe party. Stovepipe party? Jimmy Pardo Stovepipe party? It's very hard to say.

And so I wore it, cause it was around Christmas time. And so I wore this, you know, sort of Dickensian Christmas outfit to do the show. Oh yeah, I remember this. And then I never saw it again. And I don't know what happened to it. And my sneaking suspicion is- You sat on it and became a normal hat? Yeah, became normal. And I've been looking right at it. And my sneaking suspicion is you sat on it and became a normal hat.

Yeah, became normal. I mean, right at it. Flat pancake, black hat. I think I ate it. I think it was syrup on it. And I was like, this thing is burnt, but it's still good. We had we we had after not. No, we've been here for a bit. So we had a bunch of shit that just accumulated in the garage and we finally broke down and called

1-800-GOT-JUNK to just haul the shit away. And I think that that hat got taken away. Don't you hate when something just goes missing? Like I am missing. My sunglasses are missing, they're prescription, I can't find them. I'm missing two of my favorite pairs of sunglasses. And I had them on a trip.

And then I packed all my stuff and came home. And I'm like, where the fuck are they? I have all my sunglasses, all of them that I've ever had. Oh, OK. Well, I hate when I don't get over that stuff for years. I feel like when something goes missing, I'm like, I think about that hat all the time. It was a really good hat.

Do you know when I called 1-800-JUNK probably three years ago, they recognized- They asked if they could haul you away? They recognized me over the phone and I was so glad that I was being nice over the phone to people. I'm glad I'm being nice. You were in a nice phase. No, it's happened like five times where the people,

like I'm being super nice on the phone and people go, wait, is this the Scott Aukerman? And I'm like, oh good, I'm being nice. Ah ha ha ha. And now what is the situation in which you're mean? Well, you know, if you're ever talking to a customer service place and you're frustrated, like I remember there was a bank that wouldn't let me-

Rob it. Rob it. I was just like, come on, I have a gun right here. This is Scott Ackerman. All right. Let's take a break. Hey everybody. It's Paul. I don't know if I've told you this about me, but I'm tired all the time.

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And five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase at drinkag1.com slash freedom. That's drinkag1, the number one, dot com slash freedom. Check it out. Are you a pop culture connoisseur with strong opinions? Join us on Pop Culture Debate Club, a new podcast from Lemonada Media and the BBC. Each week, two pop culture experts battle it out to convince me, Aminatou So, that their opinion reigns supreme. What is the greatest sports movie of all time?

Who made the most delicious on-screen meal? Tune in every Thursday to find out. Pop Culture Debate Club is out June 27th, wherever you get your podcasts, from Lemonada Media and the BBC. All right, and we're back and it's time for a three-cher. And this is one we played before because all the ones you've been sending us are no good. But this is called Half-Life. And this is where we are going to improvise a scene

for two minutes. And then we will improvise the same scene for one minute. Then we'll improvise the same scene for 30 seconds. Then we'll improvise the same scene for one minute, then we'll improvise the same scene for 30 seconds, then we'll improvise the same scene for 15 seconds, and then eight seconds, then four, then two, then one, and we'll see how it goes, all right? So, you guys ready? Yes.

I have the timer. Yeah, man. Scott, are you ready? I'm ready, yeah, you know I'm ready. I'm always ready, I was born ready. Here we go, this is the two minute scene, here we go. And start. Welcome to my shop.

I'm so glad to have- Thanks, Ding Dong. Ding Dong, what's up, Blaze? I'm so glad to have some customers in here because I just got a new selection of wind chimes and gnomes. Do you have a wind chime that is a gnome or a gnome that is a wind chime? I actually have one of each. It's right over here on the shelf.

You can go look at that. Well, good, because this is a robbery. Oh no! Oh! But I don't want money. I just want all gnomes that are wind chimes. And I don't want any wind chimes that are gnomes. Thank God, because I have thousands of dollars in my pocket. And I have thousands in this cash register. Yeah, now I'm starting to change my mind. No, no, you said what you said. You said, ah, I'm a gentleman thief. I gotta stick to my word. Okay, so you want gnomes that are Winchems? Why are you in a tuxedo, by the way?

I'm a gentleman thief. What don't you get? Okay, I'm sorry. Gnomes that are Winchems, but not Winchems that are gnomes. I want gnomes to shut up, you little pit squeak. I don't have any gnomes. I'm sick. Ow!

You had that coming. Look, I just wandered into the store. I don't have any gnomes. I'm sick. Ow! You had that coming. Look, I just wandered into the store. I don't have any gnomes. I don't have any wind chimes. Can I go? No, I'd rather you didn't. You can't go until the crime is complete. Now, give me- I promise I won't call the cops.

Yeah, no kidding, cause I'm gonna shoot you. Now, give me- Do you really wanna be guilty of murder? I gotta see this. I kinda do wanna be guilty of murder. It's on my bucket list. Oh, really? What else to be guilty of murder? I gotta see this. I kind of do want to be guilty of murder. It's on my bucket list. Oh really? I dare you to shoot me.

I dare you to shoot me. I want to go to the top of the Grand Canyon and look down at the bottom. I want to fly in a plane. You've never flown on a plane? How did you get here? We're on a deserted island. I took a boat, stupid. Yeah I said I gotta get to that deserted island wind chime store that also sells gnomes. You took a boat stupid Yeah, I said I got to get to that deserted island wind chime store that also sells gnomes you took a boat here

Yeah, did someone else drive it or did you drive it? I drove it. I'm a boat driver and a gentleman thief Two minutes never felt so long I think we realized this the last time we played this game Now give me those gnomes that are wind chimes and no wind chimes that are gnomes. That's the time. Oh, we did it We did it. Good night. All right. Can we remember all of that? Sure, we can. All right. Here we go. This is the one minute version. Here we go and start Hello and welcome to my shop. I'm so happy to have some customers here.

I have a huge collection of wind chimes and gnomes. Please take a look. Thanks, Ding Dong. Ding Dong, what's up, please? So this is- Do you have any gnomes that are wind chimes or wind chimes that are gnomes? I do, I have both.

They're right over here on this shelf. Well, this is a robbery. Oh no. Oh no, oh no. Yes. What do you want? I don't want money. I'm just going to rob you of all your win gnomes that are win chimes. I do not want win chimes that are gnomes. Thank God, because I have thousands of dollars in my pocket.

I have thousands in the cash register. Now I'm thinking about money. No, you said though, you said. I did state that and I am a gentleman thief. Yeah. Is that why you're wearing that tuxedo? They're on the shelf. How did you get here by the way, to this deserted island?

I took a boat that I steered myself because I'm a boat steerer. Interesting. Well, two minutes never felt so long. It's not two minutes, it's supposed to be one minute. We said that in the last scene! It is. Now give me those. Okay, done.

All right, that was the one minute version. Can we do it in 30 seconds? Yeah, I think so. Can we do it? Can we do it? Here we go and go. Welcome to my shop. This is where I sell gnomes and wind chimes. Thanks Ding Dong.

What's up, players? Yeah. Do you have any wind chimes that are gnomes and gnomes that are wind chimes? I have both. They're right on the shelf over here. Well, this is a robbery. Oh, no. That's right. Give me all your gnomes that are wind chimes and no wind chimes that are gnomes. Oh, thank God. Because I have thousands of dollars in my pocket. And I have thousands of the cash register. How'd you get to this deserted island? Now I want that money, but I'm a gentleman thief.

I steered a boat here. You steered a boat. Oh, two minutes never felt so long. I see a boat here. You steered a boat. Oh two minutes never felt so long Not two minutes. It's one minute All right 15 seconds Here we go And start welcome to my shop. This is where I sell gnomes and wind chimes What's up place? What's I was 18? Give me everything. I'm a robber

Took a boat. Oh my! How did you get to my island? I ain't so much money! How did you get to this deserted island? You're wearing a tuxedo! Took a boat. Oh my God, two minutes never felt so long. I'm gonna shoot you. It's actually 15 seconds. And done. All right, and now we go to seven seconds. The Luke Perry special, here we go, and go. Welcome to my shop, it's where I sell no-money chance.

Hey, D-Dong! No, what's up, players? Robbery, gimme. Oh no, thousands of doing no stuff plays robbery We go to three seconds here we go and start gimme Alright and now one second here we go and ding dong, Jaxito forever! All right. We did it.

We did it, fun. We sure did, we sure did. All right, guys. That was a blast and a half. A blast and a half. Thanks so much for listening. Remember to get our gibets. Love y'all so much.

Follow us at threetomusa. Freedom gibets in the store. You gotta get them. And you can send us threetures, threedomusa at gmail.com. Yeah. I would say a helpful guide for Three Chairs is, no games that end with, and whoever is the funniest wins. And also games that can be played with just audio.

Yeah. You don't have to make up a game. If you can think of car games, things like that, you know. And games that make me look good. Yeah, you don't have to make up a game. If you can think of car games, things like that, you know. And games that make me look good. Yeah, good luck. But thanks so much for listening. We'll be back next week. Don't you worry about little old us.

Don't cry. Don't you worry about a thing. All right. Bye. We'll see you. Bye. Bye. All right, bye. All right, we'll see ya.

Bye. Bye. What do weddings, Instagram, and toxic relationships all have in common? They take your money and you can't get it back. Sixteen grand somewhere in there. Gone. There's no legal solution for the fact that you married an asshole. Welcome to The Dough. I'm X-Maya.

We're diving into the stories surrounding the moola baby. The good, the bad, and the unexpected. Yeah, we talking about it all. The Dough is out now wherever you get your podcasts.