Threedom - Threevisiting: Proud Mother of Two Dumbass Kids

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

Threevisiting on the Tues: Scott, Paul & Lauren discuss King Richard and scatting before playing Gift Master.  Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Listen ad-free and unlock bi-weekly THREEMIUMS on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, is this an okay time? It's your girl Dylan Mulvaney and I am inviting you to my weekly cocktail party and my brand new podcast, The Dylan Hour, brought to you by Lemonada Media. Life is stressful and there is so much darkness in the world, I think we could all use a little bit of trans joy. So join me every week as I interview some of my favorite A-list celebrity friends and gurus and of course the dolls while we sip and spill the scalding hot tea. So put your worries aside and join me at the

Dylan hour. You can listen on Apple, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. Love ya! Freedom! Freedom! Oh no! Freedom! Was I? I feel like I was... A little premature...singulation? What?! What about when our consciousnesses are uploaded to the premature singulation? Oh my god. That would be so wonderful. We want to deal with these bodies and all. Zadzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzidzid So it's like the it's like the white pages. Yeah, it's just like the yellow pages where it's by job What if they do it by height order? Oh My god Not next to me no, no, he's a different guy wait who did the uh-uh-uh

Fuck Oh, fuck. It was. Mugsy Bo. No, it's not Mugsy Bo. I can't find his name. I can't find his name. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, We could do. Come over to my house and do that. Didn't you guys just get so excited when they made these water bottle caps slim? So slim. When they made a slim line water bottle cap. Do you know how to save the earth? I remember a guy that I knew who was not a standup comedian. Okay. But who watched. Lie, lie.

No, it's the truth. Red herring. His name was Red Herring. Oh. And he was watching a standup show that I was on. He said, I noticed you guys all would like, you take the cap off the water bottle, and then you put it back on.

You would have to keep unscrewing it to take a sip of water. And it's like, why did you do that? It's so silly. And I remember at the time, like, immediately feeling like, oh, yeah, that is silly. And then I realized, because if you knock the fucking bottle over.

If you knock it over, if dust or whatever gets inside of it. Termites. Uh huh. It could have a whole lot of bad stuff could move in. Yeah. A snail. And it's also something to do with your hands. A super long snake.

Exactly. Which you need to do so you don't smoke. Yes. While you're doing stand up. Andrew Dice Clay. He didn't have a water bottle. Oh! He would do that around the head.

Hickory dickory cock. A mouse ran up my clock. You know what we can say though? Hey Andrew, why don't you swap these? It was a great character. It was. It was a good character. And it was so special.

It was special and I think that the satire was incisive. He made a lot of good points. Well when you take nursery rhymes and you throw cock into them, it's like, things are getting weird up in here. Jack and Jill went up a cock! Gah! To get you feel a cock! What if he had just done him like a normal person without the character?

Wouldn't have been as popular, right? It'd be more interesting. Hickory dickory dock. A mouse ran up my cock. That's funnier. Mouse ran up my cock. Samantha's funnier. Mouse ran up my cock. Samantha. Diggery, diggery dog.

Mouse ran up his cock and it was long and hard. That's a great impression of Samantha. You know I read a great interview with her. Yeah I read it too. It was very fair. Why I wonder, did I read it? Was it in Jazz? Was it in Jazz?

I sent it to you? Was it in Jazz Scat Monthly? It was in Jazz Scat Monthly. But she said that the Samantha voice was a voice that sort of developed over time. Yeah, cause if you watch her. She really talks like this. Well, no, if you watch her in Police Academy or.

You know, I've seen her in other things, but I've never retained email. Cause she's just kind of a normal person in those, where she's like, hey! The mannequin didn't talk like that. All cops are bastards. I'm going to have to check it out. I watched her a bit on How I Met Your Father.

Oh good. Oh, how's that? It was cute. And she's really, it's just fun to see her because we missed her in And Just Like That. I loved And Just Like That. Think about How I Met Your Father. I got really suckered into the How I Met Your Mother. I didn't realize it would take 10 years to find out.

It's like if someone were to come up to you and go, I'm going to tell you a story. It's going to take 10 years. You'd go, no, thank you. And you'd walk away. That's a really long time. So I'm just worried about this one. OK, so like if you put all those intros and outros together,

right, and then in the middle you fill in, the amount of time it would just take you to tell the story, just to tell the story, the plot of the episode. He's doing it in such detail. How much time, it's excruciating detail. Down to really specific conversations. Here's what they were wearing. Here's what they said, here's where they walked in. Here's how many people were in the bar.

Here are the guest stars. I wonder how much time the story would do. The story would actually take, well, okay, say it was 10 seasons of 22 episodes. That's 220 episodes of just 22 minutes. An episode, 22 times 22. Hold on, I'm gonna do it. Oh my God, this is like a Jim Carrey movie.

Yeah. The devil's number. It's 4,840 minutes, which is 80 hours. Wow. But that's with the story, with the story being told in excruciating detail. Eight hours a day would take 10 days. Yeah. But I'm saying if you just, if you just gave the plot summary.

Yeah. So here, let me try to do it. These are spoilers for how I met your mother. Okay. Which you've memorized all the episodes. Yes. So I used to live in New York. Yeah, right.

Fuck. You don't even believe that? Well, what, the kids have to do something. Oh no, here goes dad with another story. Hey, hey kids, sit out here for a second. Okay, I used to live in New York. And by the way, I'm gonna tell you how I met your mother. Oh, okay.

Do we know who she is? We didn't ask, but. You know your mother, right? I don't know. I do. Lady who dropped you off. You don't know mom? Oh, okay. Oh yeah, because you're divorced. That's a spoiler, yeah. Do they get divorced? But you know your mother right I do Yeah, did they get divorced no she's dead as far This is us the most recent episode how did this yeah, I don't want to hear this good I know it was the most it just had a musical sting at the beginning that was like

how this musical scene was like. Yeah, I don't wanna hear this because I haven't seen it. No, but it was the most, it just had a musical sting at the beginning that was like. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. I swear, we were like, I'm loving it. I'm loving it, interesting.

That's weird. Yeah, I know. My favorite music is the music from Grey's Anatomy when something funny is happening. Bloop bloop bloop. Yes. Bloop bloop bloop. Wonderful.

By the way, this is us getting sadder and sadder as we wrap up the sixth season. Oh. I cried my eyes out at that Miguel episode, who's with me? By the way, my mom just sent me a text, Quirkle was the game. Okay. Thank you, mom. Is she rapping now?

I was gonna say, and Sharon is my name. Quirkle was the game that they gave me. Okay, so this is how I met your mother. I used to hang out with a bunch of people in New York. Whatever your mom's name is. Linda, Linda. Whatever my name is. What was the game that they gave me? Linda. Okay, so this is how I met your mother. I used to hang out with a bunch of people in New York. They were my best friends. And one day this- What were their names and how did they dress?

Ah, fuck. What were they wearing one day? One was- What was everything they said? One was Willow, one was the naked guy- One was Willow! From that one movie. Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

And of course, Neil Patrick Harris. Barney H, yes. Yes, and then was there anyone else? No. Christina Aguilotti. But no, no, not yet. But then, then this, then I met this lady and I was like really into her.

And. And that was mom? No, because. And that was mom. I started dating her and I tried to date her for a while and it just never worked out. 10 days later. She ended up, anyway, she's dead now. Oh no, the woman who just dropped me off? Yeah.

Oh my God, you got a ghost that dropped you off? No, no, she just died. Yeah, it was 10 years ago. Yeah, she was a ghost. No, 10 years ago when this story started. No, she was alive. Oh. She died of old age.

I thought you were being sarcastic that that story was taking so long. Come on, DJ Pauly. Come on, Pauly. Hi, Pauly, wanna crack her? Paul, he want to crack her. My name's Pauly F. Tompkins. What?

Is anyone's Pauly F. Tompkins? I want to crack Anna. This conversation, how did it get here? How did we get here? That's what I may ask myself. I don't even know what that was supposed to be. How did I get here? When the day is over I don't even know what that was supposed to be. You couldn't get through it. How did I get here?

When the day is over. When the day is over. This is not good. Yes it is. This is good stuff. This is the best episode yet. I love it. Who cares?

Ba da ba ba ba. Ba da ba ba ba. Ba da ba ba ba. This is us. Is Brian Cox no longer the spokesperson? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I'm loving it. Uh-huh.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-ba-ba. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Man, I love that Roy Orbison was able to pull that out

in the middle of songs. What a weird guy. What a weird guy, okay. I don't wanna know anything about him except for a weird guy. What a weird guy. I don't really know anything about him except for a pretty one. What if I told you about this guy? Okay, my friend Roy's coming over.

He's kind of a weirdo. Is he only wears sunglasses even if it's night? He only wears sunglasses, he's got incredible. Was that something he did or was that just from a video? No, he was a sunglasses guy. Sunglasses guy all the time. He's incredibly pale like a vampire. Were eyes weird?

Were eyes weird? Well, his whole face is weird. Were eyes weird? Were eyes weird? Well, his whole face is weird. Were eyes weird? Were eyes weird? Why is weird? I gotta Google what he looks like. Okay, he's incredibly pale like a vampire. He only wears black.

He sings these incredibly gorgeous melodies, but then he decides to do a cat sound in the middle of it. Don't forget about his haircut. Oh, yes. Which is just kind of a bowl cut sort of like a rich little from the 80s hairdo. Yes, definitely like a King Richard kind of, or who am I thinking, Prince Valiant.

That's who I'm thinking. Prince Valiant, yes. King Richard is that movie? But with a part. About a real guy. No, that's called King Richard because of the real King Richard. You'd fucking dump shit.

I've never seen it, I don't know. They're just calling this guy King Richard. I thought he was a good guy. What is the confusion? They call him that because he's good? I don't know. I said King Richard. I've never seen it.

And she's like, oh, like the, like who? Because he said not King Richard, then I was like, oh, like the, like Wilkins. Cause you said not King Richard, then I was like, oh, cause you're thinking of the Will Smith movie. What? I felt like I understood what you were saying. Do you mean Little Richard?

I think you were saying King Richard wasn't a real guy. I'm saying he was a real guy. The movie is based on the real guy. No, the real King Richard. Who's that? From back in the day. Like a king? Yeah.

Now is the winter of our discontent. Made glorious summer by the sun. My kingdom for one horse. You skipped a hit. Wow, that was really good. I wasn't even done with the winter of discontent. I'm sorry, complete that. Made glorious summer by the sun of York.

This, of course, is King Richard III. King Richard as in King Richard yeah Yeah, the guy I mean we're good adaptation. Yeah, I'm a Kellen one Oh, I guess I want to they called him King Richard based on the king You mean Elvis no I Just mean what well his name was really was a go Okay, this is all this is by the way this is did call him King Richard I just mean what? Well his name was Richard. He was like a horrible. By the way, this is.

Who did call him King Richard? This is pretty tough. No one calls him that in the movie, but they're just saying like, okay, this dude's name is Richard and he's sort of the king of his family in a way. That's what I understood it to mean. It's a title implying like,

yeah, you know the real King Richard. This guy's King, like King Richard. But what did the real King Richard do? Was he bad? Well, he was not great. He's a hunchback. There was a few of them. Richard the Third was, he had many physical issues. He had, what is it called? Cy-

Sciatica? Cyphosis. What's, we don't say hunchback anymore. Cyphosis. I never do. You just did. I didn't, he did. It's, I'm pretty sure it's a... Psycho... killer?

Kyphosis! Kyphosis with a K. Kyphosis. K-Y. Like the jelly! From Kentucky. Like the famous Kentucky jelly! We put it on our little penises! What about the other... how many King Richards were there?

At least three. There's at least three. How many King Richards were there? There's at least three because he was King Richard the third. Oh, thank you. How many King Richards? How man? Okay, I wrote how man King Richards.

How man King Richards? She'll know what you're talking about. You can type anything in. How Man King Richards. She'll know what you're talking about. You know, you can type everything in. How she'll know. She'll know. Instead, I accidentally clicked on the prompt, which is how many Richards are in the world? That's so many.

What, how many? 2,832,702 people in the US with the first name Richards. Statistically. Do our names, do our names. Okay, how many Paul F Tompkins no what? Come on how many Paul is I mean Paulie? DJ Paulie DJ Paulie how many?

Is Paul a popular name well, I'll tell you Paul's popularity is varied in the United States The 1990 census shows it ranked the 13th most common male name however Social Security Administration data shows popularity in the top 20 until 1968 How come I can't just get a number like Richard's? Declining use until its 2015 ranked of 200 Can I just say when I talked about bananas you were like who, who listens to this? Now we're reading literally Google. Yeah, by the way, 336,113,658 people in the United States of America named Paul and if everyone in the US.

Wait, stop. 336 million? Oh no, that's just everyone in the US. Oh, of all the people in the US, how many are named Paul? 12. Sorry, 1,597,131. Half as many Richards. Wow.

Half as many Richards. How many Lawrence? Let's hear it. Half as many Richards. Oh, it's going to be half as many Pauls in there. Here's my problem. What are the popular names now? Madison.

Still? No, I don't know. I mean, yeah, there's a lot, there's gonna be a lot of adults named. I hear Olivia. Olivia. I hear Olivia is the most popular in the world right now. Oh, sure. Bella. Isabella.

They're going to these old fashioned names. Yeah. I hear Olivia's, my mom mentioned that when I saw her recently. What's that Julia Roberts name? Phineas and Hazel? Yeah. But Phineas. Phineas. Phineas and Hazel? Yeah, but Phineas.

Phineas. Phineas is the name of Billy Eilish's brother who's incredibly talented, good looking and wonderful. Well, you've got me there, girlfriend. Let me tell you something. Lauren is ranked as the 346th most popular given name in the United States with an estimated population of 191,378. Hey, that's pretty low. That's low as hell. popular given name in the United States with an estimated population of

191,378. Hey, that's pretty low. That's low as hell. I feel like I know a lot of Laurens. I interact with Laurens at all times. I got a phone call from Lauren today. I'm on a text started with Lauren right now. Whoa. The other night my first time meeting Lauren Ashley Smith. Yes. After just a communicating with her online. And how exciting was it when it got onto the final? We weren't gonna win and then it got into the final. Guys guys guys guys how many Scots are in the world? 50 million! What? In the world? How come you get the world and we just got the US? Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Hey that hurts my feelings. That hurts my feelings.

That gave my feelings herpes. You have herpes, ha ha ha. You have herpes, ha ha ha. That's not something to laugh at. That's not the name, Scott. It's not the name, Scott, it's Scottish people. You're dumb. Try two T's, dumbass.

Hey, I did. I'm not Google. Try these two T's dumbass. Hey, I did. I'm not Google. Try these two T's. I'm going to Google try two Try two T's dumbass. And we'll see what comes up. Stop, there's going to be a picture of you. Proud mother

Proud mother of two dumbass kids, funny mom, sarcastic women, t-shirt. It's an ad. Let's get those shirts. Okay. You know what? Let's make them and sell them. Proud mother of two dumbass kids.

I bet that's not copywritten. The proud mother of two dumbass kids. And then it'll say three of them underneath. Yeah, absolutely. Proud mother of two dumbass kids. Make the title of this episode, Proud Mother of Two Dumbass Kids, please. That's great, I love that.

It's a beautiful thing. We got new t-shirts coming, hey, call us on our phone line about these t-shirts. That's a good t-shirt. Tell us if you like them. Okay, we got some good t-shirts. The phone line, of course, is, ha ha la input.

La input. Ha ha la input. Ha ha la input. Donk a donk a donk a donk a donk a donk. All right. Ha ha la input. What were you doing? I was doing, input ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha input ha ha la input ha ha la input ha ha la input Alright we have to take a break. We'll be right back. Why? We have to!

Hey, today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Oh awesome. No, no, I know what you're thinking. Yeah, the little nuts that squirrels. Yes, because you love squirrels so much and you eat like them. No. What is Acorns? I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna start with a question. Okay. Was there a moment in your life when you didn't feel in control of your money? Yeah of course. Have you ever felt too intimidated or like you didn't know enough about investing to get started? I still don't know anything. Oh, I got good news for you

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you purchase, Bambas donates another comfy pair to someone facing homelessness. Bambas donates to someone facing homelessness? That's right. It feels good to buy Bambas because it feels like we're giving back in a way, you know? And you know that someone out there is gonna be matching you with whatever socks you buy. Well, I have to say, you know, it's it's been made very clear to me that millennials with our ankle socks were out. OK, we need to have crew socks. I have changed all my socks over to crew socks. I've upgraded my sock game. I wear socks that go all the way up to my panty line. OK, the crew socks from Bombas.

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Well, the body and the mind are important. Work out as well as getting therapy, work out your mind, do pushups of the mind with therapy. Your wellbeing is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash freedom to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash freedom. Dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink-dink- little browns. Did you make chunky little browns? No. Please do it at least once. Please. I will never. You gotta come up with something

that no other family uses so that. It should be called pupe. Pup. Pup. Did you make some chunky little browns? No, I wanna bark. Did you make some pup? Did you have a pupie?

Did you go pupie in the potty? Pupu in the potty. Do, boo a bark. Did you make some pupe? Did you have a pupey? Did you go pupey in the potty? Poopoo in the potty. Doop, boop, boop. That's where it belongs, right? It doesn't belong in the floor. My dog pooped and peed on the floor today. I was like, no. No.

She's furious with you. One or the other. She's just like, come on, I know. It's because she doesn't want Mike to be in the house. When it rains, it pours. She's upset about something. I took her out this morning, I thought she pooed and peed. She's upset about something. But sometimes I don this morning, I thought she pooed and peed. She's upset about something.

But sometimes I don't really pay attention. Upset about something. Piss and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Boy. Yeah. Anyway, it's-

Would life be better if we didn't have to do that? Probably, right? Poop? Yeah. Yeah. I'd say- Considerably. I think it'd be fantastic, especially if it had a balance.

Yeah, I think it'd be fantastic. I think you should be able to, and I know we've talked- What if Samantha just talked about pooping and peeing instead of sex? It's like Jeff Goldblum. Oh, honey. I had a massive bowel movement. If I didn't have to poo, oh, that'd be beautiful, honey.

Oh, yeah. Looks like he could probably poo out of that butt of his. What? I'm just, she's seeing like a hot guy's butt. You're Samantha, I'm still doing Jeff. Yeah, I'm doing Samantha. I'm doing Jeff. Okay, who should I do?

Christopher Walken, that's a great- Hey, did you go poop? Look at that butt over there. I bet that could go poop with vengeance. Well, I mean- This is not good. I can't. This is bad.

It's just as gross as her talking about a penis jizzing all the time. She doesn't do that. What did she talk about? That penis jizzed on my on my penis jizzed all the time. All the time. Oh, last night was great. His penis jizzed all the time. What do you mean? How is your when I said it was amazing, his penis jizzed all the time. What do you mean? It was amazing.

His penis jizzed all the time. Sweetie, it was a fire hydrant in the summer in New York City. Hold on. You've never had sex, Samantha. You're lying to us. That penis jizzed all the time. He's still going as far as I know. I left him and pick him up.

That was the day we realized she'd been lying to us for 20 years. And I couldn't help but wonder. And I could. And that's and just like that, we beat the shit out of her. For season two. Oh, I want to get on it. Bobby leaves on it. There's room for comedian. And just like that, we beat the shit out of her. I can't wait for season two. Oh boy. I wanna get on it.

Bobby Lee's on it. There's room for comedians. Is he still on? Does she keep him as a cohost of the podcast? Yeah, the whole season, he gets married at the end of the season. Why don't you be whatever the other person of the podcast who's terrible that everyone hates.

Shadia? Yeah, why don't you be that person? Why don't I be that person? Yeah, just like- Why don't you be that person? I guess that would be good. It would like, hey, I went to the hair stylist That's like the ultimate parent advice like why don't you be the star of that show instead of the person? I know I told you that that when John Stewart retired my mom texted me and said there's an opening

You know what James Corden honestly how nice to have a mom that thought you had a shot at that job No, I hate to break it to her rather than a lady on her deathbed asking me What am I gonna do with the rest of my life? She did say when I started yesterday by the way, she was like so how you do podcasts? How many do you do? I was like, oh like three a week and then she's like I somehow and by the way She doesn't know what anything is. So she's like I somehow got on a comedy bang bang Thread of something and I'm like, I somehow got on a comedy bang bang thread of something. And I'm like, I'm sorry. She goes, I know.

Oh, look at that. I know. Oh, I know you're sorry because it was bad. Ah, fun stuff. Parents, they just don't understand. But that's what happens. It's very true. When bodies start slapping.

It's very true. They become your parents. Yeah. And you come what happens. It's very true. When bodies start slapping. It's very true. They become your parents. Yeah. And yeah, they drop you off. And that's how I met your mother. Whoa. Holy moly. Yeah, see?

How do you like it? Oh, I never thought about it. You told me how you met my mother. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I just took it for granted. Those were his kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just took it for granted those raised kids He tells everyone how he met their mother Just two minutes ago in the grocery line. Yeah, but he makes each story last ten years This is like the hero with a thousand faces it's one of the stories in every culture. That's little snappy duty this guy holds my My earbuds together. Oh, how lovely isn't it fun? You have such little things that are all nice Lauren Thank you for noticing. Yeah, I bow to you never have anything disposable. I'd say I try not to yeah

I try not to it's nice. you have a lot of leatherwood. Yeah, a lot of permanence in all of your objects. I got a permanent today. Uh-huh, your hair's a big one. You can probably smell it. I can. My mom used to get her hair permed. Her sister would do it.

They would do each other's hair, because they lived next door to each other. Oh, that's nice. So they would lean out the window and do, into next door? Oh yeah, they were forbidden to enter each other's homes. Yeah. But she, I remember the smell of the home permanence basket was ghastly. and do into. Oh yeah, they were forbidden to enter each other's homes. But she, I remember the smell of the home permanent.

It was ghastly. I got a perm once when I did Oklahoma because his name is Curly and they were like, well, because I have naturally wavy hair. So I was like, well, I could just not wash it or whatever. But they're like, let's get a perm in there. I could just be a pig. My pubes are curly. What if I just cut a hole in my pants? Show everyone this is what they're referring to. Obviously I'm not gonna show my penis,

but I would make it so you can see my pubes. It's just a so fine style window into my. It's curly. I would have like a denim sock on my penis itself. It's curly, it was jizzing all night. Oh, Oklahoma. His curly. Oh, Oklahoma.

I know what that all stands for. I saw his curly. Orgasmo. Orgasmo. Orgasmo-homa. Orgasmo-homa. Orgasmo-homa ding dong. Samantha, you are just saying Jimmers now.

What's up, players? My name's Samantha. Do do do do. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Samantha, you are just saying Jimmerish now. My name is Samantha. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. What was the actual scouting?

Was it? Do you do it? Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do da doo. Let me find it. In the article though, that she said, Carrie said she wouldn't have her back on the show if she wanted to be back on. She was like, well, don't worry, it's not a problem.

I don't want to do it. Yeah. I thought harsh, harsh. Harsh, yeah, how hard is it just to like go like, hey, here's a bunch of lines and you have to say it with this person you hate. Just let go. Yeah, let go like, God. But she didn't want to be on it anyway, so who cares? But I liked her attitude in the article. Just let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.

But she didn't want to be on it anyway, so who cares? But I liked her attitude in the article. I thought she was really, she sounded really confident and knowledgeable about sex. Secure and she knew all about how Jesus all did. And sonnets. And he plays the upright bass. He plays the upright bass.

I know it's fun to do these things and you're rich and you can. But should you? That guy studied for years to play that bass. So did she. Skip a dab, a dab, a dab, a dab. It's what it sounds like to her. You know, he sort of feels me. That was scary to me. Yeah, I thought something was going on.

I almost called the police when I saw that. I called them and asked them to take it on my laptop. Hey, guys, come pick up my laptop. I can't have Wi-Fi. Just give me dial-up. I called them and asked them to take away my laptop. Hey guys, come pick up my laptop. I can't have wifi. Just give me dial up. Take away my wifi and my scoobity boo. Take away my laptop and my phone too.

A holla-ba-loo and a scoobity poo. And she doesn't count me bing-bing. Los Angeles police, may I help you? I'm a scatter. I beg your pardon, Ben? I'm a skinny Scotty Scooty and a pootity pa. Ma'am, please, we don't take kindly to jokes here. When's our dog went to Harlem aloo?

A doggy went poopy and a doo-dee-doo. Prank call? Yeah. You know what it sounds like? Who? It sounds like Kim Katral. Do-ba-da-ba-doo. From Mannequin?

Yeah, big trouble in old China. Hey, why didn't you do Mannequin? Yeah. Big trouble in little China. Hey, why didn't you do Mannequin 3? Here, I'll put her on speaker. Hey, why did you do Mannequin 3, lady? When a mannequin came to life one day, he didn't know what he would do that day. When then he saw a dog that day, the dog was all around that day. Tickity-toot, tickity-toot. Hey, Police Academy is the greatest movie about what we do. I want to hats off to you. I want to salute you. Yes, we find it respectful and true to life.

All come to our bastards. What? Oh, that I heard. The Thin Blue Line? You're trying to defund us? Why don't you come and get me over here? My upright base is going to block your rear view mirror. What?

Hullabaloo. If we arrest her, her upright base is gonna block our rear view mirror. We can't do it. No, it's unsafe at any speed. Oh God, she found out that one trick. What's hullabaloo mean? I don't know.

It's like an old fashioned word. Yeah, it's like a party, right? Like a woo, a big hullabaloo, a big cause of stir. Oh, you're still there. Oh, hi. A hullabaloo is a time when you see that everything goes keeping down. Did I say you naked in Porky's?

Was that you? You saw me naked on Sex and the City 1,000 times, you could see my titty. What a titty. There we go. Yeah, we got there. Yes. The natural ending.

Absolutely. Obsolute shrek. Shrek. Absolutely shrek. Get in my belly. Shrek was a real big. Don Shrek was originally Chris Farley. That's right, it was. Isn't that sad that he's dead?

Of course it is. It's sad when anybody dies. And yes, I mean anybody, even bad people. I wish it never happened to anyone. I wish everyone was still alive that ever lived. The world was so full and clogged. I wish we were shoulder to shoulder. With boulder holders.

Eh. You know, it's always about ta-tas with you. Well, they're nice. You're obsessed with ta-tas. Ta-ta. Tee-bee-ta-ba-do-be-ta-ba-dee-dee-dee-ta. Ta-tas for now. Tee-bee-ta-da-da-do-dee-dee-dee.

A-skee-ba-da-ba-loo-ba-doo-ba-hee-ba-da-how. A-bee-bee-bee-boop-ba-ba-ba-bow. If you had to scat with a jazz band at your Everitopia, would you do it? I would, whatever I could do to not do it, I would do that. What if you were like begging the person like, please, I have a family. I would pull out anything. My daughter. I have kids who don't want to see this on the internet. Get on the stage and scat.

Who is doing this? Diba da ba dooba da ba, diba da boo. Be ba da bee, or dooba da doo. You know what? I never heard him scat. I only saw him be a wonderful actor. I've only seen him act. And of course, I listened to him be Hong Kong Fooey,

number one super guy. He should be named actor Crothers because he was better at that than Scadding. Actor Crothers. You scoff at that? What do you want your first name to be? Hmm. Podcast Ackerman?

Hmm, Ackerman? Hmm, Ackerman, thank you. Hum Ackerman. Hum, Hum Ackerman. I want my first name to be Huma. Huma. Huma Tompkins. Like Abdeen?

Huma Tompkins, who? Oh, nevermind. I just think those two syllables sound good together. Huma Tompkins. Huma Tompkins, Huma Tompkins. Huma Tompkins. It's a military chant? Yeah.

I like that. Hura. I mean, isn't being in the military hard enough without having to do chants? You know what I mean? Like having a rhyme while you're out there like going, I don't know what I've been told. And then you're like, okay, bold, cold, fold, gold.

Pretty good. I don't know what I've been told. You also have to hope that you all come up with the same rhyme or it's gonna be a mess. Ice cream trucks are always cold. I'm rude, bold. That's good. Yeah, and that's what it'd be like.

But I think you would know that. Ice cream cokes are always cold. Ice cream trucks are always cold. But you feel it'd be like. But I think you would know that. Ice cream cokes are always cold? Ice cream trucks are always cold. But you feel like that's just anecdotal, you don't feel like you know that for sure? Source? Source? Link?

My life? I never went inside one, I guess. There was this ice cream truck that used to come to the beach when I was little, and it was so exciting and fun to wander up to and get some Laffy Taffy's and a Chick Witch. If you could own one, would you? No. Why?

Why would I want one? Cause they bring joy to everyone? No, if I was rich enough to have one, I'd hire one and then have it come by once a year. Why don't you just do the wrong Missy too? Alrighty. Let's do it. Let's bang it out.

When we are at- Samantha. Let's bang it out. When we are at- Samantha. Let's bang it out. You never had sex. Let's bang it out and bang it in. We rubbed on each other all night long. We rubbed and he jizzed all night. When we were at Tim and Lily's wedding, at one point during their vows,

ice cream truck went by and thank God it was playing music buck dancer and not Turkey in the Straw. What's music buck dancer? Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Meanwhile, the other trucks are do do do do do do do do. What is Turkey in the Straw? What the fuck? I was trying to do Turkey in the Straw, I couldn't lock in. You were doing chicken in the back pack picking out dough. Yeah, I was. Doodly-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo- That's what I didn't fucking know. I just think so. I'm on the big dog.

Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, Lillie, L I enjoyed that. That was cute. I really enjoyed that. They're having fun on that show now. I didn't know Elmo had more than one speed.

Emotion. Yeah. For sure, he gets frustrated. Now we know. It's relatable. It's relatable content. Kids get frustrated too, because they feel like you just don't understand.

You got to hear how Elmo can be like you, and then you can understand how it is. I like when Elmo is in a rage, and he's slamming doors, and he's throwing shit. And he's getting in people's faces. shit. He's getting people's faces. Yeah. He's pointing his finger in their chest. And he's like, I'm not touching you.

That's pretty good. Does Holly get frustrated at things? You tell she gets frustrated. Um, yeah. This usually starts to go, cry. You're smiling when you describe it. usually starts to go, meh. And cry. And cry. And cry. You're smiling when you describe it. Because it's over so quickly, you could just quickly

turn her attention to something else. Because they just move, they move on to something else. Yeah. Change the focus, but yeah, yeah. If anyone has tips on how to make a baby stay still while you change their diaper, I'd be interested. I, you know, I'm a babysitter, lots of experience. Yes, of course.

But it's a wasn't an everyday situation. And I'm finding myself, when the time changed to diaper, I'm getting a little stressed. I'm going, okay, I'm gonna have to hold her down. And if anyone has tips on how to stay engaged during that sixth take. As soon as you take my pants off, you also want that. I say, stay engaged during the sixth take.

Yeah, you know, like. When we filmed the movie together, is that what you're talking about? Well, I mean, you have babysitting stuff and you have movie stuff. Oh, I thought you were saying, and because of the sixth take, we really lost Lauren every time.

No. You were always engaged. I was like, very. Five take Lapkus, don't go any higher. That's where she stops, Pauly. That's where she stops. Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, Lauren's doing a little dance, and we're also singing Turkey in the Straw. Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, Friends! I like that. That's what we should call this show. So, Take Away Freedom?

Yeah. And it's called Among Three Friends. Among! Three! Do do do, do do do do. Friends! Do do do. What if we did Get Played style rebranding

where we just called it Among Three Friends? And people were like, this is horrible. I don't want any of that nonsense. That sucks. I'm mad that you guys aren't unhappy! But we pretended like we were actually doing it for an episode. What if we just take their old format and do that?

Yeah, what's a terrible video game that you've played? Isn't it the same format? You love them all. I love them, I can't, don't make me choose. Isn't it the same format, just a new name? No, it is not. No, I didn't realize. It is not always playing terrible games.

They talk about good stuff now. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, just like us we talk about good stuff We talk about bad stuff hee-hee Do you know what last episode no Michael J Wow, we really got through one hour without bringing up I feel like well we're taping this the way, on the Day of the Tony nominations and MJ got a lot of them. The Day of Atonement, what?

Yeah. For his jukebox musical? Yes. That seems wrong. Yes indeedy. It does seem wrong, doesn't it? It does seem wrong and gross. Well also I'm like, he's not with us, no offense.

No, he's up there with God. So I'm just saying, you get nominated he's definitely in heaven. optimistically. He's doing a moonwalk with a little harp on his head I Opened my phone and it's Kim control on Instagram. Oh my oh my god. What's she up to hear me? She's modeling What's she modeling? She looks great in a white pantsuit

Wibbly white peddly suit She just talked like that all the time and Sarah Sarah Jessica is like is like, look, let me be frank why we don't want her on stage. We let her type out that she doesn't like being on the show anymore, but in fact, if you heard her speak, she sounds like a lunatic. She just scats all the time.

You say something to her, she scats it back at you. We have to feed her her lines phonetically. Do da do da dee da do. Oh, the do da day. Does that count scatting? No. Do da do da dee da doo. All the do da day. The day. Does that count, Scotty? No. All the do da day.

All the do da day. Dee da do da dee da da. All the do da day. Day. You didn't think I was gonna go high, and I went high. You did. You didn't think I was gonna go low,

and I go high. Low. See? Slow. Low. High. You did? You go low and I go hi! Hello! See? Slow! Low! Hi! Middle!

Okay. Middle! Let's take a break. What if I told you the most important part of your spring cleaning routine is your sock drawer? I would probably go jump in the river because I was so frightened. You dare say this to me, the King of Spain? Yeah, it's time to ditch any mismatched, tired pairs and refresh your collection

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Shop data plans at mintmobile.com slash freedom. That's mintmobile.com slash freedom. Paul, take it. Shop data plans at Mintmobile.com slash threedom that's Mintmobile.com slash threedom Paul take it. Upfront payment for $45 for three month to five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mintmobile for details. And we're back. We are back. And you know what? It's time for a three-true. And that means before we do that segment, we do this segment, which is decide if we're

going to do KPS three-true. Will we do KPS three-true? Here's my feeling on it. Yeah. I really don't want to. I mean, that's all I need to hear. But hold on a second. Let me say this in fairness, in fairness, I want to, but I don't think we can.

Because last week, he sent us a tweet to it. He sent us, and we gave him some pretty clear feedback. Yes, because he said something about, then they win the big prize. But he didn't say what the big prize was. We were like, what is that big prize? We sent pretty clear feedback, and we have not heard back from him. No. And it's like, he could email us.

He could call us on our number. And we gave out that number. Now did we tape both of these episodes back to back? Who knows? I mean, no one knows for sure. No one knows for sure. But KP, science couldn't even tell us. Very sorry to say we cannot do your feature this week. Because now we have to do a different one. Yeah. Yeah.

But luckily, that's the other reason we can't do it is we have to do the other one. Oh yeah, well also we were not going to do it and we're going do a different one. Yeah. Yeah. But luckily- That's the other reason we can't do it, is we have to do the other one. Oh yeah, well also we were not gonna do it, and we're gonna do this one. We just wanted to do this one. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why we did all that talking just now. Yeah.

To justify it. So that's better. So okay, this game brought in by Paul, it's a actual game, it's tangible, it's physical. Yes. You can touch it as long as- It's our second physical game. You're corporeal. Yeah. Yourself, I mean. You're a ghost, you wouldn't be able to move it. I'm holding this up, I'm physical. It's a game. It's a second physical game. You can touch it as long as you're corporeal.

Yeah. You're a ghost. I'm holding this up. You're not able to move it. I'm alive, you can see this. I'm touching this. How is that ghost making that thing float? No, come on, you can see me.

I'm gonna verify that I can see Pauly. How is that ghost making that thing float? Pauly effy tompy. That ghost is telekinesis. That's the weird thing. How's that ghost doing that? Yeah. So this game is a physical form of a game played on a podcast called I Said No Gifts

hosted by the great Bridger Weininger. Are we stealing his thing? No, he sells this shit so I bought this. He didn't even fucking give it to me. This essentially is an ad. This motherfucker. This is an ad I paid's unpaid. This is a motherfucker. This is an ad I paid for? Yeah.

That I'm doing? Yeah, exactly. Stop listening to this show. Anyway, here's the rules. The game is called Gift Master. You want to take turns? Yes. Okay.

These are the rules of the game, and if you don't follow them correctly, your social event could be ruined and you will likely lose friends or damage family bonds. No. He's kidding about that. One. Don't pick up the phone. Put it in the box. He's only calling because he's drunk and alone. To begin, remove the two decks of cards

labeled gifts and gifties. Which I've done. Set them in the middle of everyone. Set them in the middle. Two. Now everyone must reveal the worst gift they ever received. Then the group determines who receives the worst gift of all. That person is now the first gracious host. the worst gift they ever received. Then the group determines who received the worst gift of all.

That person is now the first gracious host. The other players are now disrespectful guests. We'll skip that part. I don't wanna blow up someone's spot about a terrible- Yeah, we don't have to do that. The gracious host deals five cards from the gift pile to each disrespectful guest, including themselves. No, okay, so who wants to be the host?

I'll be the host. Paul be the host. So Paul, please- We rely host. So Paul, please. We rely on you. Paul, please. Please give five cards from the gift pile to each of us, including you. Please, Paul, do that.

And while you're doing that, I'll keep going. I only have three. I only have four. Okay, now I have five. What a baby. What a baby. This baby was shitting and pissing all night. Okay, so then once everyone has their cards, the gracious host selects the top card from

the gifty pile and turns it over. The disrespectful guests have 30 seconds to decide which of their gifts should go to the gifty. Everyone puts their cards face down in a pile. After each disrespectful guest has put down their gift card, the gracious host should now flip them over one by one. Each disrespectful guest must now explain why they would give that gift to that gifty.

Once each argument has been made, the gracious host will decide which gift is most appropriate and that gifty card will go to the winner of the round. The person to the right of the gracious host is now the host. Repeat this process until all the cards are gone or someone has left screaming, I just can't play games with you guys anymore.

Tell you who has the most gifted cards and show them the respect they deserve. They're now the gift master. Okay, great. So we have five cards of gifts and the person we will have to give one to is Angela. Angela Merkel. Angela Merkel. Oh, the Merkel.

Angela. the Merkel. Angela. The Merkel. The Merkelator. Oh, you're doing that guy. I was doing the, maybe doing the wheeze at first and then it just slipped into making copies. I know you can't chime in on this. Making copies on my Xerox machine.

Okay. All right. So I know what I'm doing. Okay, I'm putting my coffees on my Xerox machine. Okay. All right, so I know what I'm doing. Okay, I'm putting that in there. Okay, so now Paul is the only one to have not chosen a gift from his gift cards for Angela Merkel. Now what happens, the gracious host, that's you, Paul. Yes.

You turn them all over and then you decide who's his best. Would you just pick your own? Yeah, right? You have to make the case. You have to make the case. Yeah, yeah. All right, so we're looking at... I chose...

Electric meat slicer, a brush with death, and sleeping bag for Angela Merkel. Yeah, I chose a brush with death because she's obviously from Germany and they're really fucked in the head. Wow. And they're really, you know, they're really fucked in the head. And they're depressing people. And so I thought that, and plus she's just got a whole thing going on where she's just so stern. Now this is a gift. Yeah.

Okay. Well, it's on the card. I didn't pick it. You literally did. You gave it to me. You had five cards to choose from. And you smelt it. I did, and it smells great. Okay had five cards to choose from. You had five cards to choose from. And you smelt it. I did.

And it smells great. What was... Okay, I chose the electric meat slicer because I thought she's German and she wants the meats. You said that like it was a thing. But it's not a thing. I chose the sleeping bag because I think she has retired or will soon retire because she's been chancellor for a long time right and she'll probably want to do she has now time to do fun leisure activities like go camping I love it let's get to next celebrity please all right wait so no one okay

oh no Paul has to pick who wins um he's gonna pick himself me yeah yeah okay great but then now I'm just gonna pick himself. Me, yeah. Yeah, okay, great. But then now I'm the disrespectful, I mean, I'm the host. Okay. And they move along each time. But we're all just gonna pick each other? No, I'm not gonna just do that. He's like that. I honestly, I do think mine is the best.

I think your argument was weird and dumb. The fans will know that I was the best. The celebrity is Connie Chung. Uh-oh. Everyone move as quickly as you can. Got it. All right. Okay, Scott said a loose ponytail.

Because you know, she had such a tight hair style the entire time she was on television, you know what I mean? So I'd really like to see her just kinda like shake it out and take it out, but then you know, it's obviously can't go wild, so she just puts a real loose pony tail on it. What was the hairstyle you imagined that she had?

Just very tightly pulled back. That's not true. That's not true. What was it, more of a the Prince of Aliens? It was a bob. Closer to that. She had a bob for all of her life. What I'm talking about is she's grown it out now. Yeah. Sure. And she's just kind of like, she's letting it be free.

And Maury's there going like, I want to be the father of a baby with you. I want to be the father. I chose a moisturizing routine that gets results. I thought, you know, she's getting older and women on TV and not want to look their best. And this is just a thoughtful gift that I would say- I hope you're a woman on TV if not want to look their best. And this is just a thoughtful gift that I would say.

I hope you're a woman on TV if you're out there. Oh my God, I hope everyone listening is a woman on TV. But if you're not, you still want to look your best. But I would just say, you know, this isn't, I think you look beautiful, but I thought you'd enjoy this set of creams. And then Paul picked. Paul picked singing lessons.

And why is that? Well, when she concluded her show, which I don't remember what the name of it was, she famously, the news. No, she had her own show that was not the news. Not necessarily the news. With a little carrot. She went out on the last episode singing a sort of torch song

by a grand piano, she's wearing a gown, doing like this slinky number and she can't sing. So to slam her you would give her singing lessons. It's not to slam her. Remember your last episode? It's like wouldn't you like to be able to sing? Your final episode which was obviously hard enough for you that you were being canceled. I'm gonna bring that up by saying you need singing lessons as well.

Well I guess, I mean it shows that I pay more attention than to not know what her hairstyle was for the entire time she's been on television. Okay, I think I win this one. I'm sure. You know what, I agree. All right, now I'm the host, and what happens? Look at me, look at me. Pick one.

I'm the host now. Put that away. I'm the captain now. No, gift D card, yes, there you go. Okay, Jeremy Renner. Oh boy. Anyone have an app? Do we keep adding two more to our pack?

Do we always have five? I don't think so, otherwise this never ends, right? Yeah. I'm just wondering if that's how you're supposed to. No, I think part of it is you run, well, I don't know, I could be wrong. The print is too small to read. I think, hold on, wait, where'd that lesson go?

Scott, what's been going on? I'm trying to fill the time. Hi everyone. We're repeating this process until all the cards are gone. Okay so I think we're going to take two more. It's fine just take two more and you can choose from. Put it back. I have to give it to Jerry Werner. Huge woman person. Put it back. It's too bad. I have to give it to Jeremy Renner. I have to give it to Jeremy Renner. I have to give it to Jeremy Renner. You gotta put it back. He needs it.

Give it to him in person. Can I just tell you what? I'll put it back, but can I tell you what it is? Okay. It's a total kitchen renovation. I know he likes to flip houses. Okay, I'm just giving him that. Worth it.

Okay. Worth it. Worth it. Pick one of your remaining three for Jeremy Renner. Here's mine. Okay, Paul, you picked a hot glue gun. Yes. Because he likes to flip houses?

Yes, and I think he should glue his mouth shut and not sing anymore. Oh, you should give him those singing lessons. Lauren, you chose chips and a medium fountain drink. I just think he wants a nice lunch, but he provides the sandwich. I chose the Avatar official movie soundtrack because he looks a lot like the guy who was in Avatar

and he should have been in Avatar. That's right. You know what? I feel like Scott won. All right, yeah, I picked myself anyway. Okay, let's just keep going until we have none, okay? Go fast. None. Okay. None.

None. Keep going until we have none. None. Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney Weaver. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, tasteful patio furniture. Why is that? Oh, first thing in the morning? Because I think it's nice. Okay, I bet she has a nice like backyard area for entertaining. Scott! How dare you? What? How dare you? I think her butt is nice. If I had a glove I would slap you across the face. Yeah. What did you pick Lord? I chose illegal fireworks because I think it's not every day that she's buying fireworks for $5 on the side of a highway.

And I think she should have a little fun like us regular folk. True. Okay. And I picked a glass coffin because she was in one at the pretty much at the end of Aliens and the beginning of Alien 3. And so I think she'd enjoy the experience of sleeping in that again because she was asleep for hundreds of years. Right.

In one. Okay. So she's used to it. Let's vote, who do you think wins? Me. Okay, great. You know, I'm going to be the odd man out on this because I'm last, so it's not gonna be a tie. One less game, David Copperfield.

Okay, Lauren, you gotta be honest. I know exactly what to get him. Oh, I know exactly what to get David Copperfield. I'm gonna be honest. Okay, I know exactly what to get him. Oh, I know exactly what to get David Copperfield. I'm gonna be honest. Okay, I know exactly what to get him too, my one card. Yep, we have one card remaining. Okay, who said mysterious rash? I picked mysterious rash because David Copperfield,

who as we all know is a magician, could suddenly have this rash and then show it to Claudia Schiffer and be like, I'm gonna make this disappear. That's really good. And then he pointed at his penis and said, I'm gonna make this disappear. And then he pointed his penis and say, I'm gonna make this disappear into your ass. Ass?

Okay, who's, I gave him a word of the day calendar because I think magicians are too stuck on abracadabra. You can be saying anything. How about impenel? Okay, printer ink? I gave him printer ink because he has to print up instructions for all the people that help him accomplish his illusions.

And he has to post them backstage so everybody knows, do this first, do that first, do that first, turn the mirror around. Yeah, exactly. All that shit. I give it to Scott. What? Wow! How many do you have?

We both have two and you have one. Yeah, so it's a tie? So it's a tie between Paul and I. Do we do one tie? You'll be the judge and we have one. Yeah, so it's a tie? So it's a tie between Paul and I. Do we do one tie? You'll be the judge and we get five, we get five gifts. I'm going to pick a person from this so I can see. I'm gonna, okay.

I'm taking out total kitchen renovation, so I have five. Okay, and you're picking the person and you'll be the judge. Okay, got it. You're picking the person and you'll be the judge. This is so exciting. The person is Timothée Chalamet. The staircase. Timothée Chalamet. Oh, man, I have some good ones here. What do I do? What do I do?

Wow. OK, did not get that. Yeah. OK, Scott chose their face on Mount Rushmore. Please tell me about that answer, Scott. Okay, so obviously we all know Mount Rushmore is lopsided because Abe Lincoln's got that big ass beard and it's dragging Mount Rushmore down with the weight of its gravity. So Timothy, he's got the crazy hair going up to the sky,

suddenly balance. Love it. And Paul, you picked a delicious peach. That's right, because remember in that movie when his boyfriend fucked a peach? Yeah, I do remember that. I kinda remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That movie was horny. And then he eat the peach. Yeah. So he will like a regular peach that does not have man stuff. Just disappear into that peach. I'm going to give it to Paul. That's too perfect.

It's too perfect. Yes, Paul wins. And that is more or less how you play Gift Master. Thank you, Bridger. Wow, that was fun. Great game, everyone. Well, please call ha ha la input. And tell us what you thought.

And we won't listen. OK. We do have to figure out what is the phone number for. Here's what we want you to do on that. I don't fucking, I don't have to do anything. I mean, you know. Give us like, read us codes for like gift cards that you bought and we can type it online.

I love that, yes. Obviously don't mistake this for your mother's phone number. Don't mistake it for 911. My mom's number is ha ha la in puni. In puni. So don't mix it up with important numbers in your life. Don't get it twisted. La la la ooh la la ooh la la.

We need a song for that. La la la ooh la la ooh la la. We need a song for the number. Well also. Ha ha la input. Do do do do. If you have a song. Ha ha la input. If you have a song for our number

Give it a go but also the reason we have a number is because we want people to make up songs for the number Call us and let us know if you would buy we will disconnect it the t-shirt that we were talking about as well We just proud mother of two dumbass children and then underneath in small letters freedom. What about our faces? Really good shirt. What about our faces? So it's just confusing because there's three faces What about our faces? That's a really good shirt. What about our faces so it's just confusing because there's three faces. Yep.

Absolutely. Proud mother of two. But then when people think that we, Scott and I, are the dumbass children because Lauren is a lady. No. I don't care what they think. I'm not your mom. She's a lady.

Well, I know that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's a lady. Talking about. I'm not your mother. I want to be the father. We did it again and the show is over. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

We love you. KP, better luck next week. Hey everybody. That includes me. Thanks for listening to this week's episode. If you want more of me, Paul and Lauren, and I know you do, you should join us over on Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. That's what it is.

Where subscribers get exclusive access to our 3Mium episodes. In each 3Mium episode, we take your calls and listen to your voicemails and we answer them. You can send your emails to freedomusa.gmail.com, send your voicemail to hadclaims8.com and listen to your questions. Be answered by your pretzel gang on Lemonada Premium. Subscribe to Lemonada Premium today

by clicking on our podcast logo on the Apple Podcast app and then clicking the subscribe button. Who's this guy? I don't know, but I like him. Sir, sir, could you please? I think he's a little crab. Hey, Paul. Sorry about that.

Who was that guy? Someone took your place for a minute. Yeah. That little crab. And we liked him better. Why did that crab do that? Hey there, I'm Chris Guillebeau. I'm an author of books including Time Anxiety

and The $100 Startup. And I'm also the host of Side hustle school, a daily podcast that's been running for more than 2,900 days and counting with real stories of people creating new sources of income without going into debt and without quitting their job. Each episode is short, actionable, and designed to get you started today, whether you have an idea or you're just looking for inspiration. So if you're ready to create financial freedom and build something for yourself, or even if you're just curious, hit follow or subscribe wherever you

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