Threedom - Threevisiting: Roid Rage

Episode Date: September 16, 2025

Threevisiting on the Tues: Lauren, Paul and Scott talk about hemorrhoids, having nice dreams, immersive theater and play Hitting the Posts. Send Threetures and emails to [e-mail] us a voicemail asking us a question at hagclaims8.comFollow us on Instagram @ThreedomUSA.Unlock every episode of THREEDOM and THREEMIUM, ad-free, on cbbworld.comGrab some new Threedom merch at cbbworld.com/merchSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with. And remember to use promo code Freedom at checkout to save 20% on your first order. I'll see you in your dreams. Hey, it's me, Steve Burns, and I'm so glad you're here

because you and I go way back. right yeah and uh look at us now like we're all grown up we've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown up stuff and there's special guests like jamie lee curtis and bill nye but for the most part it's about you mean it's always been about you from lemonada media alive with steve burns is coming september 17th wherever you get your podcasts or you can watch every episode on youtube murder did you hear that I said freedom. Did you say murder?

I said freedom. I think somebody said murder. Oh my God. Did you hear that? What? I heard somebody screaming for help. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Somebody laughed maniacically. And someone said, I'm dead. And someone said I call 911. Interesting. All the clues are there. Mr. Police. And the lights on, Matt. We're going to solve this murder.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to Threatom. They turn the lights on. Turn the lights on. You know, when the lights go out. If they were all. very casual about the lights not being on their light. Oh, I turn the lights. By the way,

someone turned those lights on. We're going to do an episode. We've really been enjoying this. I don't know why you turn the lights up, but that was weird timing. I love the part in what shit, why am I blinging on the name? Juggle Cruz. Albert Brooks's first film, real life. Yes. So nervous. Where the guy giving the, he's in someone's house and he's giving a presentation and he goes, lights.

And Albert Brooks, he's in Albert Brooks's house. He goes, you can just ask me to turn. Off the light like you can't just say lights. There's not a guy on the lights. Just ask me to turn off the lights. I think I want to have an Albert Brooks marathon someday. Yeah. That's a good idea. Like make him run a marathon. I'll watch one of them. Yeah. Watch one. Hey, fatty. And call him around. Yeah. That's what you would do. Uh, oh, Scott. Turn that on its head. You've been dragged to filth. Can I just say we received Christmas cards from 2021. We just opened May. today that we got there's so much mail here and thank you so much to everyone who sent us stuff but we there were Christmas cards from last year that's how long it's been since we've been here that were expired can you imagine we ate them all these M&Ms I feel bad my diarrhea hurts not my anus my diarrhea my anus my anus don't say your anus my anus hurts my anus hurts because of the diarrhea flowing through it actually burning through it

Speaking of embarrassing things, as we were last week. Yeah, did you think of the new one? I'm embarrassed to tell you I'm currently having active diarrhea. I can't go in the pool. When I was, again, when I was in my early 20s, probably it might have been 19, something like that. Purple heart. Living downtown.

I had a purple heart. How could you see it? I subscribe to a service that would take pictures of my heart instead of And this is pre- Instagram pre-selfies What was fun was I never knew when the picture was being taken They should make x-ray selfies

They should They should You should, who wouldn't love that? Your phone should be able to take an x-ray of you So you don't have to go downtown into the office Your phone should give you more cancer than it already does So I woke up one day

In my squall of little apartment And I got myself a gun And I had an excuse I had an excruciating pain in my rectum. Oh, no. And I was like, what is going on? Excruciating like you couldn't stand. Paul, that's where you get frowned.

I couldn't do anything. It was, it was very scary. That's what your sex machine fucks you in. And I like felt around there and I was like, Paul, do you have a sex machine? I am a sex machine. Oh, right. I wish you guys were read my t-shirts.

Uh-huh. Oh, I see that now. I make, thank you. I make them myself. I'm like, you know, I'm starting. doing before Trudea Friedlander was making those hats. Wow. He made his own ass?

Does he still make them? He must still. He must still. I didn't realize he made them. I thought he just had them. No, he made them. There was a, I was why he just found them in his house. It was a running joke with me and a friend of mine.

Which came first? Whenever his name came up. He had them in his stand-up, I believe. Yes. So they've always been a part of him. And it was always mentioned anytime anyone talked about him that he made the hats himself. Right. And so it was a running joke with me and a friend of mine, anytime his name came up to say,

you know, he makes his own hats. Do you think he has enough money where he can pay someone to make the hats? Oh, he loves doing it. But I want to make his hats for a nominal fee. How much do you want? You want to be like his apprentice? Yeah. Until you can make your own ass.

You want to make a reality show called The Apprentice where you make Jonah. They're not doing the apprentice anymore, so why not? It's right there. This is the new apprentice. If the title is right there. If you have the thing. What if it went all the way? Paul pushed the mic away from his.

And it went all the way around, hit me in the head and then came back to you. Bunk, bong, bonk. I wouldn't love to eat you guys in bed. You know what I didn't get, and I'm sad? I didn't get a McDonald's Happy Meal Halloween bucket. What are those? They brought back the nostalgic buckets from my childhood. What are those?

They're happy meal buckets. What are those? Fuck you. It's what Happy Meals coming. A couple trick-or-treaters this year had them. Yeah. And they're pretty small. Well, I don't need to be big, sweetie.

Were they small compared to the trick-or-treater? It's a decoration for under the Halloween tree. Okay, honey, that's fine for you. I'm going to separate these two. Okay. Oh, my back-up. Any interest in me continuing to do with my story? Yes.

So I thought, oh, no, my rectum is like distended or something. Oh, I thought this was the Halloween story. I forgot that you were talking about your burning rectum. Because I thought you were still talking about the kids who showed up with the Halloween. No, that's, that's the, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, done. I know, but I just was like, how does this apply? I thought, oh, no, my rectum. But don't let us get off topic. It was not that long ago. I know, but it's still threw me. So, of course, what I did first was call my mommy and say, Mommy, what do you do

when you're poopy shirt? I think my rectum is distended. She was like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm going to send your father down to take you to the hospital. Down where were you? I was living downtown at the time. I think my rectum is distended. Yes. Very good. Okay. Thank you. Do you understand. proud of myself. Those two words. So do you understand the words that are coming on my mouth? Do you understand the pain

that's coming on my butt? So my dad shows up, takes me in the hospital. Did he look at it? Or were you like, this is a private thing? No, I'm going to look at it. Why would you look at it?

He assessed the situation. You're already calling mom and dad. What if like he came over and said, all right, let me get to, let me see. You pulled down your pants. You just farted in his face. And you're like, got you to drive. 30 minutes.

It would have been a pretty good prank. Would have been a pretty good prank. Solid. So I go to the house. hospital. I go, you know, to the emergency room and I'm taken to a little, um, you know, gurney or whatever. Don't spoil it. Okay. So the doctor says, um, okay, I have to ask you some questions. I don't know if you want your father to be present. And I said, no, anything you can say to me, you can say that. I said, yeah, that's fine. And my dad was like, oh, wait outside. So my dad was

afraid to find out I was gay. So the doctor asked me all, you know, like, did you put anything in there? Do you have anal sex, you know, all this stuff? And I'm like, no, no, no. Do you want to? Right now. That was later. I found his card up there.

So he examines me and it turned out I had hemorrhoids. Oh, chiboo, chibah, chibu. Horrible. Yeah. But a relief that I did not have some weird cancer. You just had to put a little crem. I had to put a little creme. I go back and I asked my roommate.

hey will you go fill this prescription for me shove it up my ass get me this stuff you said this to your dad we're just roommates no I said this is my roommate can you fill this can you get this stuff why why did you didn't want to do it I could barely I fucking oh you couldn't walk oh sorry they didn't just go away after the doctor's sick I thought maybe you like no it was kids

it made him feel bad it was bad it was really bad it was really bad it was bad so my roommate um goes and gets the stuff you had Royd rage I had Sorry I flipped you off You are on steroids Guess again, motherfucker So I had to get It was a prescription for suppositories

And like preparation age or whatever And so he came back and the suppositories were called anusol. Yeah. And when he came back, he tossed it to him. He said, there you go. There's your anusol. And I was like, it's anusole.

It may as well be anusole. Well, of course that's what it is. Of course that's what it is. Yeah. But I've seen the commercials. It's not pronounced it anusol. Anusole. Anusole.

Like urinus. Anus hole. It's anus hole. And then. So which part was embarrassing? Telling you and enduring this? So you wanted to have an embarrassing moment now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I could tell you later. See if you recognize yourself in the story. I was talking to these two asshole friends of mine. He made me feel like shit. It kept interrupting my story about having it. had bumps in it or whatever the fuck. One guy I thought I told trick or treaters that my rectum was to spend.

Why is the table who's shaking? I don't know. Oh, Scott's leg is leading against it and he's shaking with laughter like Santa Claus himself. Both a jelly and whatnot. Things of this nature. Good old Santa Claus. He's good old Santa Claus. He's coming soon. He's doing it. He's headed

around the corner. Yeah. Coming soon. Do you think Emerald's on the nice list? Emeralds? Well, Bam. Do you think Emeralds? is on the nice list. I can't tell you how many times this has happened where someone goes,

what is her name? And I say emerald and someone goes, Emerald. No, Emerald is such a good name. Okay. I love it. When I first saw it. So is Emerald.

Okay, but it's not to be confused with. But when I first saw it on the invitation to the baby shower, I was like so excited. I love the name. I was hype. I was hype. I was lit.

I was lit. Do you wish that it was your name? I don't because I don't think it would go well with my last name. Although it would go-go-go-go-cassel. We'll go-go-go-go-go. Emerald Castle? I'd be like I'm in. Oh, my God.

It's too much. Although, what if his name was, the goldfish store? What if his name was City? Mike City. That'd be cool. That'd be cool, right? His name was a cool name. It would be cool.

What of the castle is a cool name? It is cool. I love that. I love the name. What are the big precious gem name? So you got Ruby, Ruby, we got Emerald. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, so ho. Oh, um, opal.

Opal is one. Pearl is one. Diamond. And silk. Sapphire. Yeah. Sapphire. The novel.

Push. By. Um, by your hemorrhoid. Push. I feel like every, every, every gem is basically. Yeah. What are other gems? That's not one.

Topaz. Topaz. What's that one? Amber. Amber. Amber. That's more of a name than a gem. A gem.

many ways. It's an alert. Yeah. Yeah. Did you guys get the flash flood alert? I did. Yes. It was fun. And it was incorrect. The rain was incorrect. They did not mean to send to us. Oh, really? But the rain was going coming down in sheets when I got that. Yes. But it said do not travel anywhere. It was like to people in LA. It was like flash flood warning. If you do not get out of your cars, do not travel anywhere and I was looking at this going you're telling L.A. I mean, you're telling L.A. All of Los Angeles is just supposed to like pull over or whatever

and it was only meant for like a little tiny pocket elsewhere, not L.A. And I was like, are they trying to suppress the boat? Because it happened on voting day. Oh. It made me think that Rick Caruso had his hand on the levers of politics itself. Well, as it was happening, it was storming

and we decided to have a little movie time with Holly and we put on Oliver and Company, which is a cute movie. from the 80s. With Billy Joel's songs. And Billy Joel's voice. And Billy Joel's butt. He's got a dog butt in real life, famously. It was really cute.

She really liked it. What kind of dog is? Is he Oliver in the movie? No, Oliver's a cat, played by Joey Lawrence. Wow, I did not see that coming. The studio was a dog. The premise is that there's this little cat in the litter, and he falls into a pack of dogs in the city. This is the company.

Yeah. And then a rich little girl. like Professor and Marianne, you know, just being the rest. Every dog takes the cat in and then he gets stolen and ends up being the whole thing where all the dogs have to give him back and the little girl and they're riding on the top of a bridge. It was really stressful, but. Isn't it based on Oliver?

Probably. Oliver Twist. Oh, and they're like the pickpockets. All of her twist. All of her twist. That's that nipple fetish porn. All of her twist. Oh, man.

People are really going to like this. I used to, we... I had everyone put together that it was. When I worked at the video store, we of course had a porn section. That was famously not like hidden behind a curtain or anything like that. But you had to guard it, right? It was just an aisle. I had to guard it because those perves would come in there.

Are you too perverted? They would just look at the covers and go. But I used to like, I used to like to look at the titles. It is based on Al Halver Twist. Great. The one I remember the most clearly that I thought was, In the sense that he was a cat. Yeah.

Everything else is different. People don't realize that Oliver Jones is a cat. Yeah. I know. Well, he didn't say it because. He's like. And people don't realize Dickens was a cat. That's the thing.

Every once in a while there's a few meows in there. Why should he have to say that? Why should he have to say that? He doesn't have to say that. The title I liked the most was A Rear and Pleasant Danger. Wow. They don't do the funny titles anymore. danger from what I remember no really they just they call it like uh doctor who a porn parody

or do they just call it like fisting for hours is that a fistful of dollars no I just mean it's not it just it just describes what it is fisting for hours is it F-O-R or the number four Fisting four Fisting colon four hours and it's three hours in your colon Oh gosh Oh gosh Gosh guys You know Christmas is right around the car Santa he's still up to it

What yeah so what's the date Don't you pay any mind Honey What's the date? Christmas is coming and The goose is getting fat Please put a penny For the old man's hat

No obviously this is December 8th Clearly When this is being released The day after a day they'll live in infant We have some fun Christmas plans coming up but we'll save what you gonna do save it with you what you're gonna do when he comes for you what if santa's new song what if yeah santa santa what you gonna do what if santa i want you to be like a santa cop uniform it's like blue with like the hat c a b we all agree santa does great stuff he

does great one of the greats what and we love everything he does yes yeah and his whole the only price he asks of us is occasionally some milk and cookies but what if he kidnapped one child every year. I know. First of all. Would we still be like he's great and let him do it? I feel it depends what he does

with the child. If they become like, have a fabulous life at the North Pole? Can you separate the art from the artist? But also, Santa doesn't ask for the milk and cookies.

He asks for us to be good. But he... And we give him the milk and cookies because we are good. It's implied that he wants the milk and cookies. Of course he wants them and you can still get your presents

without giving the milk and cookies. I can't wait for Holly to have Christmas this year because she's going to start to have an idea that's going on. Oh, That's exciting.

That's very exciting. She liked the Halloween tree. Oh, yeah? Yeah. She was very delighted by it. You showed me the video of her watching the rain, which is so sweet. She loved the rain. Yeah.

She can stand the rain. And she wanted to go out into it. And so I had, once it stopped, she crawled right outside and just sat in a puddle. Honestly, same. I know. So she's sitting on toilets. She's crawling in puddles. She doesn't care what she sits on.

I love it. Yeah. She's getting dirty like a. boy yeah i'm gonna say that to her make it very clear you're dirty like a boy she's like what's a boy let's start there yeah has she ever seen another child yes well she just got hand-front mouth from some of them last week actually which is a nice little disease that it's a it's so weird i only feel like i'm aware of that in the last few years as being a thing that humans can get yeah i always thought it was an animal thing yeah i didn't know anything about rsv until

I was two weeks ago. Who's and mouth. I know. What's what? RSV. It's like a little, little. It's a virus that little kids can get.

Does the V stand for virus? Probably. What is RS response so? They end up in the hospital oftentimes. Roberto. Salamanca. Breathing things. They can't breathe.

Yeah, it's like, it's going around. I don't need, you don't need me to tell you. It's bad. It's worse than COVID. And there's no vaccine.

Worse than COVID. COVID's the worst thing that ever happened. I mean, it's worse in the sense of more people have it now. Oh, thank God. I thought you were. I thought you were disin COVID.

It's, damning the faint rates. There's more of that than COVID right now? Yeah. That's interesting, actually. Yeah, fun. I'm less scared of COVID right now. My sister is a nurse. Yeah.

A virus. Which is so great. And she says, yeah, you really got to watch out for the RSV because that's where everyone has it at the hospitals now. They're overrun. But how is that happening is what I'm, how is everyone getting RSV? Is it like a cold? It's like a kissing chain. Okay.

Ooh. Well, the fun thing with hand, foot, and mouth is that it's spread through saliva. And when I told you, Holly, threw up on me three times. Yes. That was definitely that. And then you betrayed our lord. Yeah. All right, we have to take a break.

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Say it reggae Was that movie successful? No It wasn't right No Kind of eat shit Weird Well it came out in the middle

I mean people weren't going It came out during COVID Yeah That's right We ran out of theater And saw That's right Casey Wilson and I

That's right Did a co co-headlining screening we both headlined you co-presented Casey really wanted to talk beforehand but she

she thought here in LA I don't know whether you could do it elsewhere you could rent an AMC theater for a private screening for up to 50 people

I would imagine you could do it anywhere no I think it was other places to they had in Chicago and I mean it was not expensive it was like $700 for my friend to do it was essentially like 20 bucks a person

if you had enough people to go but Casey kind of thought that it was more like a private screening thing where she would be given an opportunity to speak beforehand. I was like... Nothing to do with? No, it just like starts at the normal time

just like going to the movies like the AMC promos. And was everybody in there people from that party? Because I feel like there was like one couple that had nothing to do with us. Right. And...

No, no, they were... No, those were like Casey's... Okay, okay, good. That I didn't even know, yeah. Good, good, good. Yeah, yeah. But it was fun. It was fun.

It was really fun. It was like a thing. It's one of those things. Lauren. It's one of those things. I, I, I,

it's one of those things when it happened, I was like, oh, I have to remember this is a thing you can do because this is really fun and then instantly

never did it again. Oh, for sure. I went to see Deer Oven Hanson. My friend got this screening or whatever. And that was fun, but because you could kind of yell

and talk. You suck. You have a rowdy screening. Exactly. I love a rowdy screening. I love it. I was yelling some swearing. at some point, and then there was a child.

We did that for Jackass 4. Who brought a child? It doesn't matter, and they were fine with it. We did it for Jackass 4, and was it, was it Janie who had never seen any of the movies before and had no idea what she was in for? She had the vaguest idea of what Jackass was. They get hit the nuts occasionally. No, there's a lot of cock.

There's so many penises in it. Janie did in. No. I love it. There was a lot of stuff she could not look at because it was so stomach turning. A man's penis is. disgusting to her. She's never seen the new one. Wow. You just do like a sort of what? Sneaks up behind her. We're in the dark all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

In the house. Someone turned on the lights. There's a murder. You have blackout curtains. There can be murders happening all the time. We have no idea. You never are seen just in case your penis comes out. No, no. We have flashlights that we hold up to our faces. Uh-huh. And a tiny flashlight for your penis. No, you don't have that. But I don't put batteries in that because she can't see. Yes. That's what I mean. You hold the flashlight off up to it. Yeah. Oh, the flashlight coming out from it. Ouch. To make it look bigger. But she can't see it. She can't see it.

She can't feel it. No, we've never met. Oh. We live in the same house. That makes it easier. Yeah. Our wedding was weird. Weird stuff.

How many roommates fall in love? What a beautiful question. I wonder what the percentages. How many roommates fall in love? Because we've all had roommates. By the way, we have not returned to our roommate. We haven't. But the problem is it.

No, that's right. I don't know where we left off. I forgot about that. Shit, we were going to recount all of our roommates we've ever had. We cannot go back to it unless we know where we left off. And some roommates, I don't want to talk about. I feel like... I don't talk about all of them.

I remember where I left off, I think. But in any case, everyone who's had a roommate, what percentage... Hands up. What percentage of them fall in love? We can see you right now. Like they don't, even if they know each other beforehand, whatever, how many roommates fall in love? I would say maybe 0.5%? Oh, I think it's 50%.

Wow. I think it's like 89% fall in love. What's left? 11% are falling in love. By the way, reality recap, yeah. Yeah. Now the distinction on The Bachelor is... I'm falling for you.

I'm falling for you. I'm falling in love with you. I am in love with you. Which is like, no. Back in the day, you just said... You can't say. Say, if you say I'm falling in love with you, that means I'm in love with you. It's bizarre, yeah.

I'm almost there. It's so crazy. I'm so close to being in love with you. I can tell that I'm about to be in love with you. It's like, what do you mean? Probably this time next week. Yeah. Although, then again, to have gradients on this stuff, it's like, why does it have to be just a

dichotomy of, I'm not in love with you? I am in love with you. Did you see that reality recap? Yeah, Gabby and the guy she picked have broken out. No. Just a mere couple months after. So you're saying I have a chance. Yeah, Gabby Wendy.

What show is that from? Bachelor. Bachelorette. Which guy did she pick? I forget everything about the previous season, the moment it's done. Eric, I think he was Eric. She's like Eric. Now, so there's The Bachelor, which is.

I like her, but she's got a lot of vocal fry. No, I think she's great, but she's like, Eric. I love Eric. I think I'm falling. I really think I'm falling for Eric. That was actually really good. She's 100 years old. Yeah.

She sounds like it, but she's had a hard luck. I feel like I'm falling for Eric. By the way, the guy on Bachelor in Paradise. My mother. Girl, I think that you and I are in love with each other. Sweetie Pye, I haven't watched an episode this. That was a gift I gave myself. Well, I have to say, I have to say, Shep is doing stand-up comedy now.

These are good impressions. You've been watching Bip? What's Bip? Bachelor in Paradise. Oh, no, you're just making a reference. Who Shep? The Shep is from Southern Triang. Oh, he's doing stand-up?

Where? He did a couple gigs in New York, where, of course, he just tells stories about Carnegie Hall. show. Yeah, he opened at Carnegie Hall. That's the thing, man. Like, I just want to try this out. That's the thing, though. No, he did a small room in New York and it sounded like... Every room is small in New York. It's like, have you seen apartments there? What about Seinfeld? He lives in a nice big space. That's true. That's a good point. Oh, he's rich.

But you only see part of it. What if Seinfeld was... We don't go to Jerry's room. We don't go into Jerry's room. We don't go into Jerry's room. Do we never go into Jerry's room? No, I think you were in there like a couple episodes. Really? Yeah. like a wake up with a woman type situation I don't think I have a memory of... And then this woman's got a weird thing that he can't get past.

Yeah, of course, like a schnaz. What if he was said in his garage though with all of his cars? Hey. Paul, you're bad. I'm naughty and I've never said otherwise. He's bad. He's bad. I know it. I know.

Speaking of, I've finally watched the Weird Al movie. Oh, I'm waiting to watch it. It's so funny. You're very good at Paul. I saw the spoiler that you're going to. Gallagher. It's true. I play the comedian Galaher. It looked really funny. It was

the picture you posted. Thank you. It was, I was very grateful to be a part of it. And I finally watched the whole movie and man, I really laughed all the way through it. Yeah, it's really funny. I'm excited to watch it. It's really funny. A lot of great performances in it. I think our parents are watching.

Yeah. He can do it all. Yeah. Act and other stuff, I guess. I'm curious to watch you do this. I actually can't. I can't really imagine. and re-back. Don't you ever come back. I can't only imagine I'm doing this role,

so I'm very excited to see it. He's great in it. And I will tell you when I was on that set, him in that costume and the wig and the mustache, it was never not funny. Like, every time I looked at it,

it was funny to me. Yeah. And then, like, just standing there, but then when he was saying stuff, it got even funnier. And how long have you known Al? I mean, around the same time as God.

You met him at the same time? I think 10 years, maybe? Well, now it's, I mean, we've... We're longer? 14. Let's say 14. Yeah. At this point, let's say 14.

Wow. I kind of wish, I know he's more handsome now, but I kind of wish he'd go back to that old look. It's so iconic. What if he did it for a year? Just a year. That's all we're asking, Al. One year of your life.

Suck that hair back into my head. Squirt that hair back out of my lip. Put those glasses back on. Oh, yeah. I forgot he doesn't have a mustache. Yeah. It's the mustache and he straightens his hair. think.

Now? Yeah. Because it's naturally, no, he's straight. I believe it's... He probably styles it differently. It's longer, so it's more weighed down.

He maybe uses a product. Maybe he used to permit or something. No, it is still curly. But all we're asking, Al, this is all we're hair. I don't imagine that Al wakes up every morning and runs a straightener through his hair. You don't think he wakes up every morning?

Just even that is weird, that you don't think he wakes up every morning. I do think he does. You think I was just awake all the time? I don't think he could constantly wake or rolling out of bed, sleep, and continuing his... You think he's sleepwalking through his whole life. I just could someone just give him a shake. He's going to wake up one day.

That's very dangerous. I made a movie. Is it dangerous to wake a sleepwalker? Or is that just a myth? I think it's a myth. Let's ask. Mike Barbiglia. Because nobody ever says...

Mike even sitting here this whole time. Nobody ever says what happens if you wake them. Mike McPigil. They just say it's very dangerous, just in TV shows and movies and shit. Yeah, no, they do. Do I tell you about when I don't? They do? No, they'll punch you.

You get violent Did I tell you about when I was in In winter camp Why did you go to winter camp? What the fuck? Your parents didn't even want you to be home for Christmas I had to go to summer camp and winter Winter camp was in January

I've never heard of winter camp Why weren't you in school dearie Because it was a weekend Summer camp was a week You went to camp on the weekend once Yeah That's my story The end

Okay, what? There was a guy who was a, I guess a sleepwalker who got up out of, we had bunk beds in the cabin. He got out of his cabin and he started arguing with his dad in the corner to the corner. His dad wasn't there. And he and we all didn't know what to do and we're like, do we wake him up? Do we do we comfort him? Do we wake him up?

And we just let him have this argument going. No, no, no, you don't know what you're saying. You don't know what you're saying. Yeah. Wow, that's really embarrassing. He's still having the argument. We never woke him up. Oh, my God, he's still at that camp.

They tore that camp down. He still just Blair witching it. He's just aged and he's just standing there. And his pajamas are too small. The other night I had a dream where I've been having very pleasant dreams lately and I don't know why. And I will wake up at 4.30 a.m. every day and have an hour of pure anxiety about things that I have to do.

Then I go back to sleep. But my dreams are extremely nice. Having a nice dream is like so amazing. It really is. Cheech and Chong. It's such a little treat. Nice dream. But I had a dream where I was with a friend of mine.

I can't remember who it was now. But they had like this cute little dog. And I was in the dream and I was like, oh my God, your dog is I love this dog. And like give him a kiss. He loves little kisses. And so I was kissing the dog on the top of the head. See, that's a bad dream for me. And I fucking ate your pillow.

I woke myself up making kissing sounds. And suddenly you're like, who are you cheating? I thought for sure that was going to wake Janie up. Because I've done that before where I've I've gone from saying something in the dream to saying it out loud. And then it wakes her up. But she didn't wake up for this. I had. Hey, okay.

No, I mean like something I do is like, Zimbi, Zimbi, Zibi, Zibi, Zimbi. I had two nights ago I had a nightmare and I woke inside mer what inside mer inside where inside yeah that's what I said um I woke myself up from it like going no no and I could tell like I had woken up I'd woken up cool up or whatever and I like rolled over but she didn't say anything she didn't like comfort me or anything so I was like oh maybe I didn't wake her up the next morning she says, yeah, you started making really scary noises to the extent that I thought you were messing with me.

Oh, wow. Oh, so she was like kind of mad. Had I just gone to sleep? She's like, no, I was awake for another two hours after you went to sleep. I was like, why two hours into sleep would I start fucking with you by going, I mean, it's a perfect setup. Wait, what was the sound you were doing? I think it was just like

Stop it, stop it No Are you messing with me? But like to think so poorly of me To think that Oh no, I'm not concerned He's fucking with me Yeah

What the hell is? Devil mask much That's a good point Yeah Once bitten every time shy I never used it on her Never forget You did take her to

Mexico A haunted house or something And she hated it. Well, I didn't take her because she made me take her home. Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know.

And she would have hated it because it was one of those haunted houses where you had to crawl. No. It was so weird. Oh, no. They dug under the, into the dirt and made a tunnel under the dirt that you had to crawl through. I was like, oh, my God. That's fucking ridiculous. And she had to go through that and not wanting to do it at all.

That's hell. No, I took her home over. Have college kids yell at you? Forget it. Well, there's a place called delusion. It's like a. Get your master. and then yell at me.

Graw! Do you say it's haunted clay? Haunted play. Oh, okay. That makes more sense. Oh, the haunted play, yeah. It's very scary. I went one year,

but I actually get too scared. I don't think I really want to... How scared is too scared? Like, we're during it, I'm going like, ah, and I'm like, if they choose me for this next thing, I'm really going to hate it. Like, what do they choose people for? Like, so basically they, what they do is they take like an empty mansion in L.A.,

like an old house, and they do a different one every year. And it's empty, you say? Well, like, nobody lives there. But there's, furniture and mice with props and set and then there's like a story so it's like they you walk up and then like

an actor will come up and be like oh wow you have to help me it was a dark and serving night you have to help me there's something happening and blah blah blah so I heard for this year what they did was that they they were like oh the monster is coming or the giant did you go to it Matt okay like someone's coming too scared the monster's coming everyone needs to play dead in the back of this truck

guys the monster's coming everyone needs to play like dead in the back of this truck bed then they drive you as you're laying they drive you somewhere yeah to like them where the the second location the home yeah are you touching bodies with strangers probably and then like but all my friends like this kind of stuff and I think it's really well they're perves okay well anyway I sounded really scary to me I'd be this is the part where they actually do kill you yeah so they take you to this place and then does the monster come or they're like he's running 50 minutes like guys go through the house and like you know there's a story that they're telling you of like oh come this way

you have to do this thing and this task has to be accomplished and you have to work together, like do something. Oh, I'm out. Or then you have to get into this. Yeah, I'm a solo guy. The year that I went, there was like a giant table that you crawl under, like, as if you're small. And then these big legs walked by.

And it was like really creepy. That sounds cool. It was memorable and it was cool. But I, there's parts where like someone gets chosen to go into a room with someone and then something happens in there. And you don't know. And you get separated from your group. And I was like, I do not want that.

I like to huddle with everyone. Yeah. I get too scared. Yeah. To be pulled away from the group is scary. And then you're kind of like acting with them because they're kind of like, I don't know, maybe it's weird as an actor. Well, that's the,

but like you know they're an actor and they're going like, come in here. That's the thing. You're not getting paid to act. So it's like, if it were me, I would be like, I'm sorry, but my name is Scott Ackerman. This is fake. You're all fake. Give me money if you want me to. No, but I think I'm, I feel confused about what my role is.

Like, am I supposed to go in there and be like really doing it up? Or am I supposed to be acting like how are. Yeah, you need direction. Yeah. It needs, it's also. And a second take once in a while. I love that. It should be, it shouldn't be a one-on-one thing.

I don't know, but I'm sure people. No, people who aren't performers, yes, they probably like it. No, and also my performer friends like it. Well, they're weird. Okay. Or, what about your friends who are thinking about performing, but they only have living room balls? I don't think I have one friend like that. I think either simply don't do it or they do it.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. You have friends who don't have any friend who doesn't do it who's sort of like flirting with it? Thinking about getting into the business. Some fellow middle-aged people who are like, I'm going to try acting. Why not? Hey, look, there's a lot of stories like that.

Of course they could, but it's just, I think you've been doing it too long to meet people. It's hard. I met some people. You know what I mean? You've met all the people you're ever going to meet, dude. I met some people the other night. I was so fucking bored.

I'm just like, why am I doing this? I don't want to meet any more people. I'm done. It's a lot when you start. Yeah, because I wonder you're, you know, you've had more of that than I have. So you get to a point where you're just like, I don't want to start over. I don't want to keep starting over. Speaking of Jerry Seinfeld, that's why he got married.

You said like I kept hating, repeating first date talk. Yeah. It's just marry one of them. Weird fucking God. We got to take a break. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser

Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David DeCoveny, the Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do, and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe. Make Life Suck Less With Fewer Ads With Lemonada Premium

We're back It's three-cher time And you know you love it You know you love it You know you're begging us for it Like little piss pigs You're piss pigs and Hey piss pigs guess what

It's time for a three-chre Hey piss pigs we're back I'm sorry that that's the collective name for our fans But You guys voted and you got And it's just you have the qualities of piss pigs. You're more like piss pigs than you aren't. So that's what you're called.

Yeah. We love our fans, a little piss pigs. Hi, Scott, I'm Paul. I'm fellow piss pig here. Okay, we're going to play a three-cher that we've played many times. It's a favorite of ours, and hopefully of yours too. It's called hitting the posts. And this is where we play songs from our phones.

And the challenge is to do the perfect DJ. thing of gabbing over the the musical part of the song before the lyrics start i wonder vocals and i know i know it's like rude to be talking over someone yeah which is why we never do it that's right stop before the voice yeah never talk over we never talk over each other we never will stop before the voice me too but do you think there was ever a dj before this became customary who just talked over the lyrics and was just like yeah hey shut up back there anyway i'm who was the first DJ to decide, I could talk over this part. Yeah, exactly.

Because normally on the radio was like, you start a song? Yeah. And it's like, oh, I should shut the fuck up. Like, yeah, he was uncomfortable with silence. Yeah. And he's like, nobody's talking. Anyway, so it takes too long to get to the vocals. All right, so who, I have the dongle.

So who's, I'm going to play. So who's going to talk? Is it clockwise or counterclockwise? I'll do it. Okay. You ready? Lauren volunteers is tribute, Hunger Games. Here we go.

And it's the weekend, folks. and you know what that means. It's time to party. Get your red solo cups and your ping pong balls and go over to your best gal's house and start slam dunk in them beers. Call me in the morning and slap my ass and call me... And call me.

Oh, no, we'll never know. Sally. What song was that? I was Velvet Crush with Speedway. VC with SP. Oh, uh-oh. Tight-dong. Go around the other way.

Go around the other way. go around the other tight dongle tight dongle oh honey oh honey you don't even oh no this thing I love fucking

that's Claudia that's Claudia Claudio Claudio okay wait hold now hold now wait are you ready hi

is it me yeah I'm gonna start over it is you are you ready mm-hmm oh boy oh boy

didn't realize it did that well that's what happens with body I'll do another one on the one. Why? Because it's fun. But that's how it... Okay, fine, that's fine. That was his turn.

No, that's not fun for me. Okay. Okay. Oh boy, you know what's going to happen now. My boss is going to fire me for saying shit. We know that song. It's a great song. It has to be a song you don't know?

No, no, it's just easier if you know the song. Of course, yeah. That's why he knew to. stop. Yeah. That's why I knew stop. Give me that dongle. Quite quickly.

Give me that dongle. Give me that don't go. It was so it goes by Nick Lowe and the previous song was My Life is Right by Big Star. Okay. Ready? Hey, folks. This is Scotty the body. D's nuts.

And I want to let everyone know that every time I drink a carbonated beverage, I float about two feet above the ground. and I'm doing it right now. Somebody grab my ankles because I'm about to fly so high. That wouldn't fake me out. That was Bruce Springsteen

with Thunder Road live at Wembley. Wembley? He played Wembley? That's so fucking cool. Play Wembley. Everybody knew his songs. That's so fucking fun. Even though they've never,

even though they have old Jersey there. Wow. Do they have old jersey there? They have old jersey there. Oh, wow. Speaking of old Jersey, how's Kevin Smith doing? Oh, you fucking got him! All right, ready, Lauren?

I am. Here we go. College starts today, everyone. All across the USA kids are moving into their dorms and saying bye-bye to mommy and daddy. Well, get ready because it's time to learn everything you're going to need to know to function as a human being in society. We've got philosophy. We've got history. this is still the backup singers

we've got music we've got English now please bring your textbooks and be ready bring your textbooks and be ready and be ready I should learn how to sum up my sentences before that was Barbara Lewis with Ask the Lonely No can't go that way remember

Can't go that way Okay Can't go that way Ding dong Shamong Let's see now I'm like, what song, don't you know? All right, here we go.

Ready and. Hey, folks, that CO2 alarm has been going off in the studio, but it is Labor Day weekend and I want to bring you this music for as long as I have breath in my body, which shouldn't be too much longer.

So, turn your radio all the way up and call an ambulance and send it over here just in case. I love each and every one of you more than I love my children, whose name I cannot recall I think one of them's Jeremy That's the word

That's the word Sounded so backupy What song is that? That's Rill Rill by Sleighbells Slaybells ring Are you listening We're listening In the lanes

I've got to move that dongle over, Lauren A beautiful side How dare you! She just threw it at me It's almost time for Christmas music. Should we do a Christmas round? I don't have any Christmas music in my lying around. I have a lot.

I have a sound effects. You don't have, you know, my entire library. You don't have a Spotify, you know, what do you call it? Subscription. You can search any song you want in the whole world? You don't have a Spotify. I'm just saying, I thought we were playing songs from our phone phone, not our Spotify. My Spotify is my phone.

What? My Spotify is my phone. I keep my songs in my Spotify. because that's where I listen to my music. Is that weird? No, I think it's normal. All right. Scott, are you ready?

Yep. Hey, everyone, I was thinking about, do I make glasses or not? Let me give you an example. I'm going to read this sign that's over on the wall over here. It says, jimangi do be la boviki. Okay, that's what I'm reading. But someone told me it says gentleman's room.

Okay, maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't. How am I supposed to know? Also, I was really hoping it was all instrumental. It seemed like it was going to be. That was the action news theme from WIPBI TV and Philadelphia.

Oh, wow. And you listen to that for pleasure. No, I got it because I wanted to play it. I wanted to come on to it when I did raised by TV in Philadelphia. Yes. And people fucking loved it. They did.

I came on to it. That's right. People cheer and I sang it. Everyone sang with me. Oh, I remember this. I mean, it wasn't there. No, you weren't. But you told me about it.

I told you in detail about it. Yeah. Sorry, you're making fun of me. All right, Lauren, ready? Here we go. I've got to give a big happy birthday to my boss. Jared, he is turning 15. And yes, it does bother me that he's so much younger than me and he's my boss.

But what can you do? Yes, I don't worry at this station for 42 years. And a 15-year-old is my boss. Oh, the electric prunes. All right. You got to love the EPs. You got to. The executive producers of that album.

Who made all the money. Okay, you ready, Paul? Yeah. I don't know what this is. I want to press play. Everybody's got to feel good when they put on a new pair of socks. That's why the Salvation Army is cleaning all of the socks and sending them to you as if they are brand new. Because they want you to have that feeling, but they don't want you to know that someone had the socks

on before you. I shouldn't be telling you this. It should be private, but there you go. Now you know the rest of the story. And you can go to the Salvation Army. Around the clock, they're open 24 hours this month. What is that? I don't know. That was for you holiday remix by Lehi. I just went to a holiday thing. Where is that playing from? Oh, that's my phone. I hit play by accident. Was that an iHop commercial? Yeah. It's kind of like the folksy kind of music that's like, hell, you go down to IHop and get the $3.99 special.

Okay. You ready, Scott? Oh, yeah. Here we go. Hey, everyone. Have you heard of this new thing called sex? I guess it's where you take your private part and you rub it against someone else's private part. I don't know.

It felt good to me when I did it for the first time the other day. So I wanted to let you know about it Give me a call Let me know if you've heard of this thing And if you have any requests Until then Here's Harmonica Joe With

This is my first lesson And someone is taping it On The twos And the threes And the fours We skip the fives Come back around

Down the sixes Seven o'clock We take a big long break Because we're very hungry And we eat a big buffet meal. We go to hometown buffet. We get the chicken and the pizza, which is not something you normally get at any other restaurant, but when you see it on one of those buffets, you just can't help yourself because the flavor profiles are too good. Too good to refuse is what I say.

And why would you refuse it? I mean, you're paying for it. And they throw away most of the food when you're done. So why not eat all you want when you're at that buffet? It's really a business model that cannot fail make a whole bunch of stuff a bunch of people come to get it they pay you hey hey you've got a call her

oh yeah call her too hello hey Scott I just wanted to say I'm a big fan oh thank you so much I was wondering if you could play a song for my wife she just died oh yeah how is she going to hear it though oh hey good point goodbye

wow what getting a phone call That was like, rang? That was so perfect. Wow, that was good. That, of course, was an instrumental. Thank you. And you knew it was.

And I knew it was. I was so hilarious. I can't believe we haven't done that before. Have we not? I don't think we have. And it feels like we all should be doing it. It was about time. It was about time.

Well, there you go. That's how you play hitting the posts. And that was fucking fun as always. It was like that. Because I'm hearing that buzzing in my rear. And I would love to not hear it. There we go. How's that, dear?

That is wonderful. Guys, another fun episode. Really happy to be here with you all and to be recording the silliness. And there's a sincere thought out of me. So do with that what you will. And we're not going to see each other for another two years at this point, right? So let's make the most of this. That's right.

We've recorded the next couple seasons. Yeah, in advance of this episode. Yes. Yeah. They're really good. I mean, they're crazy. They're so good. I can't wait to hear them.

But, yeah, we will not be seeing each other in person for another couple of years. I can't believe it's almost 2023. Yeah, I know. Did you ever think you'd be alive? Yes. Before you were alive, I mean. Oh, yeah. Lauren, you have to understand when I was a kid, this is, I couldn't even imagine a year like this.

I thought 2000 was going to be. His 2023 is just silver. I thought, I, yeah. Everything is silver. Yeah. And it's not. I like how in THX-113 and everybody just shaves their head all the time. I know.

It takes up a lot of time. It takes up a lot of time. Are we going to wrap it up? Yeah, it's done. So Freedom USA on Instagram and Twitter, 3MUSA, gmail.com. If you want to suggest a threacher to us, you can call us.

We haven't listened to any voicemails yet, but we have them. Ha ha ha la impu. If you want to only call us if you want to tell us how great we are. That should be part of it, for sure. No, I think only calls if you have an interesting question for us to talk about.

Yeah. But you can include that we're great. Sure, but okay. Just get out of the way real quick. Just say, hi, you guys. I love you to death. You're the best in the world. And here's my interesting question.

Yeah, and phrase it however you want. Yeah, but word for word. And don't make the questions like backhanded. Like, why aren't you better at, you know what? Like little weird insults. Oh, yeah. Would be more about a convo starter. Yeah.

If you were good looking, what's the first thing you would do? Things like that. All right. Right, everybody. But here's a good question. Thank you. The first thing I would do. Yeah.

If you want to hear ad-free versions of the show, you can go to Stitcher or to CBBWorld.com. And guys. Oh, shit. I don't even remember what we call it anymore. Three visiting on the twos. Three visiting on the twos. Where we're re-releasing our older episodes on Tuesdays. And they're just as fresh as a daisy.

They are. Indeed. So this Tuesday will be. releasing episode four, I think. I think so. Which, you know, in the Star Wars universe is a new hope. That's right. And best one, we are retitling

episodes one through nine, according to the Star Wars. And after that, 10 is through, you know, what we have now is what we think the episode should be called in Star Wars. Putting it all together. Star Wars 10, putting it all together. Star Wars 11. Oops, where are my keys

to the Millennium Falcon? Star Wars 12. Aha! Are there locks on any of the spaceships in the Star Wars universe? I don't think so. You never say it. They just open and shut. It's like you should at least have like a key that...

The controls are almost all exactly the same. I know. Yeah. Everyone knows how to fly everything. Yeah. Although they're always looking for a pilot. Sounds great. But then anyone who gets...

Exactly. Anyone who gets into one of these things, it's like they go, oh, yeah. That's a really good point. We need a pilot. We all have spaceships, but I don't know how to drive one. All right, that's enough. Goodbye. We love you.

Bye. Our health care system is broken in so many ways. We have a health care system that's supposed to be taking care of. people that is making it literally more difficult for people to put food on the table. So this season, we'll dive into the challenges headfirst, while also thinking about how we can find a better way, because we all deserve better. Uncared for Season 3 from Lemonada Media, available August 6, wherever you get your podcasts.